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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

14

What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Sea Monster

Congratulations, and surprise! What an exciting time. There's a lot going on in there! Here are a few tips to guide you through the next nine months, as your body starts to go through some big changes.

Drink plenty of water. Have at least 80-100 glasses of water a day. This might sound like a lot. It is. You may also find it helpful to gargle with salt water.

Start a name list. Here are some fun suggestions to get you started: Lana, Finn, Scylla, Aspidochelone, Cirein-cròin, Leviathan.

Think about when—and how—you’ll announce your pregnancy. Do you want to tell people you’re expecting a sea monster? Talk it over with your partner.

Jot down those crazy pregnancy dreams! Some of them might seem unusual, or even apocalyptic. But this is totally normal. For instance, maybe you’re having lots of dreams about the sea, sea monsters, tentacles, trembling, teeth. Dreams about the sea often represent unconscious thoughts or desires, and dreams about sea monsters can mean that “you feel or fear a particular problem is closing in on you in real life." Parenting can be stressful, so try to relax while you still can. It helps to laugh!

Eat for two (hundred). Be aware of what you’re eating. Healthy choices like fish, vegetables and any sort of flesh are ideal. Expect rapid weight gain. Be sure to supplement with a gallon of fish oil per day for optimal brain development.

Finding out gender: Do you *really* want to know?

Keep track of movements. Fluttering, twitching, rolling, punching, kicking, gripping, suctioning, lashing…

Prepare older children. If you have older children who are not sea monsters, you might want to gently explain that Mommy is expecting a “sea monster” and not a “baby," and that sea monsters don’t have “faces” or “hands," and that “it” won’t be “cute."  Also, it might help to get them involved by giving them a job, like picking out the sea monster’s “coming home" "outfit."

Assemble baby gear and prepare for the big day. Bottles, diapers, blankets, nets. Actually, no, sea monsters can fend for themselves, so you won’t need to buy anything. Just say goodbye and fling it into the sea. Run!

 

Image via Wikimedia Commons.

Natalie Eve Garrett is an artist, writer, and mother of two wonderful sea monsters. Prints of her art are for sale here.


14 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

the Hairpin is BACK BABY. This is fucking brilliant and weird and made me laugh so hard in my office!
Parenting can be stressful, so try to relax while you still can. It helps to laugh!

Fluttering, twitching, rolling, punching, kicking, gripping, suctioning, lashing…

Just say goodbye and fling it into the sea. Run!

PERFECTION.

eringobragh

@iceberg more more more of this! huzzah!

Ophelia

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. "fling it into the sea. Run!" AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

PrimordialToothpaste

This was wonderful!

frigwiggin

Ah, progeny. Such a blessing, such a horrible, horrible sea-witch curse.

Apocalypstick

@frigwiggin But it's all worth it when you look into those enormous, enormous, mill-wheel eyes and feel the warm glow of knowing you're a safe distance away.

LilRedCorvette

I love everything about this.

bvb
bvb

Kids are really afraid of this thing. - David Contarino

[sic]

@bvb That's an unusually insightful spambot.

Canard

YES. Yes. Yes.

supernintendochalmers

I'm going to need to see some yogurt sea monster ghosts.

Neve Garrett

@supernintendochalmers Duly noted.

melmuu

While I love this piece, I'm worried about readers being misinformed. There is a Safe Sea Monster Surrender law in California and Washington, which has not made it to other states at this juncture. If your sea monster is younger than 14 years of age you can fling it into the sea and run with no legal repercussions, but only in the above mentioned states and only at designated Safe Sea Monster Surrender docks. A woman recently drove from Nebraska to surrender her 13-year-old sea monster into the SF Bay, and everyone here is just ashamed and saddened at her callousness and the sea monster is out there living with a rowdy, morally dubious gang of surrogate sea lion parents and more than likely facing untreated attachment/identity issues.

lucy snowe

I'm in love! :)

And I'm picturing the sea monster having the voice of the giant monster in Maria Bamford's imaginary sitcom. " No, you can't wear my Capri pants, monster! You'll stretch them out."

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