The Secret Diary of David Duchovny

March 11, 2013 

I am David Duchovny. You can call me Di-Di. Today I ate some Styrofoam peanuts and floated around in the heated pool of my luxury mansion. Then I watched Moesha on DVD. Later I plan on throwing a handful of special marbles into the ozone layer. Each marble has a tiny alien brain inside of it. They will know what to do.

April 26, 2013

I’m watching the X-Files. A dog is biting people in the face! You could not catch this dog with your bare hands.

UPDATE: A man just tried to catch the dog with his bare hands and the dog ate his hands.

May 9, 2013

I am watching the X-Files. Scully was blinded by a voo-doo man from the Appalachians! Mulder (me) rescued her just in time.

May 10, 2013 

My name is sometimes Mulder. That’s pretty close to Murder!

July 2, 2013

Today, Di-Di would like to give you some advice. You will be happy to receive this advice because you look up to me as a hero and a champion.

1. Wait for the Great Blindness that is prophesied for 2014. Stand in your front yard. Dance like nobody’s watching.

2. Appreciate what you have, even if you have syphilis. I have had syphilis 14 times and was able to overcome it each time with the power of positive thinking. Some people think I still have syphilis but they are wrong. “You have syphilis!” they say. I just laugh and laugh. Then I have them assassinated by my friend Wally Swain, who lives under my house. Wally Swain is a duck and he does not fuck around.

3. This last thing is not a secret to success but a self-portrait I thought you could print out and put on your refrigerator:

August 17, 2013

Today is a very exciting day for Di-Di. I have decided to become a famous novelist, like Leon Tolstoy or Jodi Picoult. My book will cost $29.99 and it will be sold at Borders and maybe Wal-Mart. You will not be able to buy my novel at a used book store because no one will ever give it away. I am still deciding on a title but I have narrowed it down to the following:

  1. DAVID DUCHOVNY’S BOOK OF FACTS AND STORIES
  2. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN SYPHILIS
  3. I SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND NOW MY BACK HURTS
  4. IS IT JUST ME OR ARE PUPPIES REALLY CUTE??
  5. HANOVER, CT DOES NOT HAVE A HARDEE’S
  6. BLIND MAN IN A BLINDFOLD
  7. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE
  8. DO YOU HAVE SOME PANTS I COULD BORROW UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE?
  9. THERE ARE ALOT OF GREG WHITES IN THE TELEPHONE DIRECTORY (AND ONE OF THEM COMMITTED A MURDER!)
  10. THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

September 8, 2013

Here is a very sad story about Di-Di that will make you cry and say “No, stop, too blue!”

I ate my brother in the womb. It was an accident. I didn’t know he was my brother, I thought he was just another baby.

R.I.P. CECIL DUCHOVNY 11/7/59 – 3/1/60

October 12, 2013

I’m watching the X-Files. People are dying! It’s the swamp monster that eating them.

Rachel Farrell is a writer in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Ninth Letter, and Pank. She’s on Twitter @rachelfarrell.

Comments

Show Comments

From Our Sponsors