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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

8

The Secret Diary of David Duchovny

March 11, 2013 

I am David Duchovny. You can call me Di-Di. Today I ate some Styrofoam peanuts and floated around in the heated pool of my luxury mansion. Then I watched Moesha on DVD. Later I plan on throwing a handful of special marbles into the ozone layer. Each marble has a tiny alien brain inside of it. They will know what to do.

April 26, 2013

I’m watching the X-Files. A dog is biting people in the face! You could not catch this dog with your bare hands.

UPDATE: A man just tried to catch the dog with his bare hands and the dog ate his hands.

May 9, 2013

I am watching the X-Files. Scully was blinded by a voo-doo man from the Appalachians! Mulder (me) rescued her just in time.

May 10, 2013 

My name is sometimes Mulder. That’s pretty close to Murder!

July 2, 2013

Today, Di-Di would like to give you some advice. You will be happy to receive this advice because you look up to me as a hero and a champion.

1. Wait for the Great Blindness that is prophesied for 2014. Stand in your front yard. Dance like nobody’s watching.

2. Appreciate what you have, even if you have syphilis. I have had syphilis 14 times and was able to overcome it each time with the power of positive thinking. Some people think I still have syphilis but they are wrong. “You have syphilis!” they say. I just laugh and laugh. Then I have them assassinated by my friend Wally Swain, who lives under my house. Wally Swain is a duck and he does not fuck around.

3. This last thing is not a secret to success but a self-portrait I thought you could print out and put on your refrigerator:

August 17, 2013

Today is a very exciting day for Di-Di. I have decided to become a famous novelist, like Leon Tolstoy or Jodi Picoult. My book will cost $29.99 and it will be sold at Borders and maybe Wal-Mart. You will not be able to buy my novel at a used book store because no one will ever give it away. I am still deciding on a title but I have narrowed it down to the following:

  1. DAVID DUCHOVNY’S BOOK OF FACTS AND STORIES
  2. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN SYPHILIS
  3. I SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND NOW MY BACK HURTS
  4. IS IT JUST ME OR ARE PUPPIES REALLY CUTE??
  5. HANOVER, CT DOES NOT HAVE A HARDEE’S
  6. BLIND MAN IN A BLINDFOLD
  7. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE
  8. DO YOU HAVE SOME PANTS I COULD BORROW UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE?
  9. THERE ARE ALOT OF GREG WHITES IN THE TELEPHONE DIRECTORY (AND ONE OF THEM COMMITTED A MURDER!)
  10. THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

September 8, 2013

Here is a very sad story about Di-Di that will make you cry and say “No, stop, too blue!”

I ate my brother in the womb. It was an accident. I didn’t know he was my brother, I thought he was just another baby.

R.I.P. CECIL DUCHOVNY 11/7/59 – 3/1/60

October 12, 2013

I’m watching the X-Files. People are dying! It’s the swamp monster that eating them.

Rachel Farrell is a writer in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Her work has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Ninth Letter, and Pank. She's on Twitter @rachelfarrell.



8 Comments / Post A Comment

lawsome30

This just made my day. I'll be in my bunk if you need me.

mattewmc

I actually like this@t

Jasa Seo

Jasa SEO You are very creative in stringing words and sentences

Lady Humungus

CECIL DUCHOVNY, omg.

This whole thing was the best.

sulpicius subuculus

i'm so confused by that picture. it's like rpatz and david duchovny had a severely malnourished baby?

bessmarvin

This is the best thing I have ever read.

Ben Rist@facebook

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vp091

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