Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Susan Miller's Guide to October: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Celebrity astrologist Susan Miller's October report is delayed, and her often eerily accurate website is down, and this is something of a reason to panic, according to a friend I trust on the matter: October, Susan Miller has been warning Twitter for months, will be hell. For everyone. Mercury is in retrograde after October 21, we're told, but really no time this month is safe for anyone. The warnings, gathered from her tweets the past few months:

• "Cosmic storms" are raging the first week of October. You essentially should not do anything even remotely important until after October 7. (This includes significant haircuts, though trims are fine.)

• Definitely do not sign anything until after October 7.

• Actually, do not sign anything from October 21 to November 10, when Mercury is in retrograde. To review: You can sign things between October 7 and October 21. You are also encouraged to not sign anything on October 18 (eclipse).

• ATTN Leos: Do not purchase computers this month. Do not purchase designer clothes this month. Probably safest to not purchase much this month, generally.

• If you absolutely must do something important this month, let it be on Columbus Day weekend (October 11-15), which is our only potential oasis for the next 30 days. Be warned, however, that the pocket may actually only span from October 10-14. Or, wait: October 11-12.

• "Possible problem in Syria October 19."

• It has begun.

36 Comments / Post A Comment


Who can live their life being that pessimistic? I'm totally over Susan Miller's ominous forecasts.

lasso tabasco

I may or may not have dyed my hair last week because Susan Miller said not to do things to your appearance in October... I am weirdly superstitious about dumb stuff and it is annoying.


@lasso tabasco Good thing I got my hair cut yesterday and not today?


Oh god. I'm making my assistant sign everything on my behalf this whole month. SORRY FOR YOUR LUCK [name redacted] I'LL GET YOU A REALLY GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

Miss Maszkerádi

Good thing astrology is complete fucking bullshit.


@Miss Maszkerádi But it's fun! So fun!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Miss Maszkerádi Generally, I agree with you. But there's just something about fruitlessly shaking one's fists at the stars when you've had a bad day - "Damn you, stars! Fucking Mercury."

Miss Maszkerádi

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Oh I could not possibly agree more! I love blaming my random life fuckups on Mercury, I am just a cranky pants today (more than usual? heaven help us)

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Miss Maszkerádi Nah, I liked your comment. It reminded me of Gail from Rookie Blue, and I like her.


Good thing I'm getting my tattoo on the 14th, then?


I'm supposed to have my second kid during the retrograde period. For someone like me who is like 55% interested in astrology, is this something that i should bear in mind?

Tragically Ludicrous

@KJZ It is entirely possible that your child will be a griffin, if I understand astrology.

Tragically Ludicrous

So what happens if you do sign like, a birthday card or something? Will it explode? That would be kind of cool.


@Tragically Ludicrous As my birthday is smack in the middle of that retrograde, the answer to this question is relevant to my ego.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Tragically Ludicrous I'm into the idea of signing everything during that time period with the names of my sworn enemies. Maybe their hair will be extra bad that day or something. "Happy Birthday, Love, Nicolas Cage." Bwahahaha


@Tragically Ludicrous ; Just write "Happy Birthday [x]! This message will self-destruct" and tell Chief Quimby to take cover.


Everyone even a tiny bit into Astrology: you MUST watch 12 Signs of Love. It's on Netflix. No excuses.


@wee_ramekin OH NOOOOOOOOOO I ruined everything.


This is a non-stretched version of the last picture:


@wee_ramekin So much hotness. So many feelings.


@adorable-eggplant i added this to my queue because of your comment. just started watching it and it's sooo goood. all the ingredients of a perfect k-drama. my addiction is back full-force.


@mochi Get ready for a roller coaster of feeeeelings!! And sexy, sexy men.

Rishe G@twitter

My devotion to Susan Miller was my guilty secret, can't believe all you Pinners are on there too. Granted, lately she's been completely off, because my finances don't just get stormy on the days she says - they're ALWAYS stormy. I'm still hanging out for that windfall, though...


@Rishe G@twitter I read her forecasts at the END of the month and I found her creepily accurate in the past ("a loved one will be in the hospital" the month my mom has surgery, "possible water problems in your house" and the plumbing goes haywire, "back up your hard drive" the month my laptop went kaput, "take care of your health" when I started eating better and exercising more). But she's been off for me more recently too.


Even though I love/hate Susan Miller's earnestness and pessimism, reading a new forecast each month is a ritual I look forward to. But I infinitely prefer Rob Brezsny.. I prefer my "horoscopes" to be meditations or riddles, and I always seem to find them timely and relevant to something particular going on at that moment. This week's is especially poignant.

Queen Elisatits

Student teaching starts on the 14th. Awesome.

Briony Fields

Oh shit, I booked a flight today! So is my plane just going to crash, or will it catch fire first and then crash?


@Briony Fields I'm flying out tomorrow for a work trip. I'm more worried that my beltless pants will fall off at security and TSA will impound my laptop.


Her website is ALWAYS down on the first of the month, because homegirl is a terrible procrastinator. So that is not so much a reason to panic!


Susan Miller has never ever been right about my sign, Taurus. Free Will astrology, however? Always ... well if not accurate, at least more fun to read.


Oh, goodie. I'm in the job market and have been sending out resumes. Maybe this is a sign to just...stay on unemployment until December?

fondue with cheddar

@shart_attack I an unemployed as well, and I was planning on staying that way until January (when the ACA kicks in and I can afford to get treatment for my depression). Now I have another reason.


@mochi Get ready for a roller coaster of feeeeelings!! And sexy, sexy men.

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