1. He's naked, eating like six different clementines on our bed with a bottle of Grey Goose in one hand and a spliff in the other hand and it's only Wednesday, Drake. Wednesday.
2. This is the 13th mention of his ascent to musical and pop cultural relevance in the past 45 minutes and we're supposed to be paying attention to this film strip because there's a quiz next week.
3. He's literally unfurling a bulletproof condom on his penis as we're trying to have a normal conversation with him.
4. He's poisoned the watering hole.
5. He keeps offering to let us move into his compound when all we're trying to do is ask him to please step to the right of the escalator if he wishes to ride it rather than walk down it.
6. He keeps pointing at random sundries in the bodega and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at stray cats and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at flowering window boxes and saying, "Guess whose it is?", or at thin air when a Bon Iver song is playing and saying, "Guess whose it is?", and so on. Forever.
7. You're his physician, and he keeps calling you to say that his erection is setting off metal detectors, and you know that's simply not so.
8. He has unzipped his Drake suit and revealed, to the horror of all bystanders at the Food Bazaar supermarket, that underneath he is simply a stack of seven clucking hens, their downy white feathers stained with blood, their eyes gray with imminent death.
Lauren Rodrigue is a copywriter in New York. She has a blog called Lauren Spends Money.