1. The Bicycle
Strap yourself to a bed with a large wooden frame. Invite a priest to summon the demon out of you. Don’t let the priest get close enough to your nightstand to see what you’ve been reading lately. As the demon pushes itself through your body, engage your core. Feel your core warming the part of your body that is still connected to your soul. Your face will turn white as you feel your soul fighting for survival—that means it’s working! Hoist up both legs perpendicular to your pale and rapidly-diminishing body. Scissor legs slowly above your body as though you are kicking away from an eternity of burning and gnashing of teeth.
Ask a priest to beat the devil out of you with a wooden plank. Embrace the burn.
3. The Devil’s Chair
All you need for this exorcism are a few regular household items—a chair (yoga ball is an acceptable substitute), a rag, and an angered demonic spirit that can help you levitate so your feet no longer touch the ground. Sit in a chair as through it’s Thanksgiving and you are reaching for more rolls. Shoulders back, arms out. As the demonic spirit lifts the chair into the air (caution: watch for ceiling), lift legs repeatedly with a slight bend in the knees. Press ankles together. Use rag to wipe drool.
4. The Stairs
This exorcism will also help tighten your hamstrings and buttocks, but not if you levitate. So, harness your inner demon as you crab walk down one full flight. Proceed to a crab run, engaging the core while hurling yourself downwards. At the bottom, crack all bones back into place. Twist neck.
Did you know that laughing engages the core and builds abdominal strength? It's a classic Satanic workout trick. As he overpowers your will to survive in this life form, you’ll find yourself both saying and laughing at all of his jokes. Latin is the language of silly, man! You should be on Ellen! Lick me, lick me! Ave Satani! Veritas diaboli manet in aeternum! Muahahahahahahahahahaha. *gargles*
Previously: 5 Ways to Engage Your Core
Lindsay Schrupp is a curly-haired writer from Yolo County, California. She currently lives in Seattle.