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Friday, October 18, 2013

18

Film Programming for the Bedroom

Winter is coming, which means that streaming and/or snuggling season is upon us, which means that you too can use movie nights to get laid. Here, a short list of films to watch and cinematically-appropriate sex pairings, offered in reverse chronological order, so you can enjoy film sex like a fine wine that gets kinkier with age.

Holy Motors (2012): Gremlin noises, costume changes, lots of biting.

Shame (2011): Masturbation, desperation, fenestration sex.

Fish Tank (2009): It is not my fault that Netflix carries all of Michael Fassbender's guilt-sex oeuvre. The evening's accoutrements: Cockney accents, dancing in track suits, underage drunk sex you will most definitely regret.

The Piano Teacher (2001): Michael Haneke's most fuckable film, which means almost nothing. But pair this with a generous dollop of spanking, self-hatred and bathroom foreplay. Class it up with Schubert's late piano sonatas.

Crash (Cronenberg's 1996 sexcapade, never that other one): James Spader at the height of creepyhot, Holly Hunter at the apex of quirkyhot, both hot for bloody car crashes. Stock up on '90s satin lingerie and bandaids.

Fear (1996): Takes you all the way back to middle school where a dream date looked like getting fingered on a roller coaster by someone mentally unstable with a six-pack.

To Die For (1995): Nicole Kidman and a young, mulleted Joaquin Phoenix star in Gus Van Sant's dark dramedy. Prepare to dance in your panties in the rain and seduce troubled teens into killing your husband.

Wild At Heart (1990): Baby-faced Laura Dern in black lace leggings, leather bralets and a badass perm (eat your heart out, American Apparel). Nicolas Cage doing his own “Western Kabuki”-styled Elvis in a snakeskin jacket bragging about his belief in personal freedom. Lovemaking should include: Thunderbird convertibles, Southern accents, and lots of fire, the quintessential element of any David Lynch production.

Last Tango In Paris (1972): Brando, butter, anal, natch.

Gate of Flesh (1964)Rouse your local gang of territorial prostitutes in post-WWII Japan. Break out the technicolor lingerie and the corporeal abuse; forbid falling in love.

Zoë Pollock gave her first handjob during a screening of Rocketman and the irony of that seminal moment is not lost on her. As she is trying to keep her love life afloat while living with her in-laws, she would appreciate some cinematic suggestions in the comments. 

18 Comments / Post A Comment

chevyvan

Fish Tank...the couch scene. AAAAHHH so so wrong and yet Fassie is so so hot!!

va-jj

Tis the season for vagina dentata! TEETH (2007)!

null

This is awesome. I'd also suggest Ang Lee's Lust, Caution.

squeee

@null upvoooote, sexy vintage political intrigue with an NC-17 rating

bluebears

My husband and I decided to watch Last Tango in Paris on a whim one night. We had to turn it off after like 30 minutes. It wasn't that it was not at all sexy, although it was NOT, it was just so ridiculously cheesy and terrible! Lots of like easy listening sax music montages. It seriously felt like a made for tv movie from the 70s-80s with sex.

trembles

Wild at Heart is the only movie I lovelovelovelove and cannot seem to force anyone else to love. My 10th grade English teacher recommended it, though he focused more on Marietta covering her face in lipstick in his description and less on the Most Perfect Willem Dafoe Scene.

Lucienne

@trembles Did I ever tell you that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality and my belief in personal freedom?

Love you, Wild at Heart.

Lucienne

If you stop Weekend (the British one) before the (romantic and beautiful) ending, you can just think of it as really sexy?

evil_echidna

I actually read somewhere that summer rather than winter is the season to be getting it on, 'cause in winter all anyone wants to do is sleep. Anyway, unsubstantiated party-pooping claims aside...

There's this really hot scene between Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron in The Astronaut's Wife, which is probably a terrible film because I can't remember anything else about it (actually, just checked it on Rotten Tomatoes, and yep, a crapola 16%) but I *do* remember Depp's dirty-talk to Theron in that scene got me all hot and bothered. So there's that, if rude words are your thing. And if not, hello: it's DEPP AND THERON.

Professor Zero

Things I miss about youth include handjobs and fingering. (Also, Wild at Heart.)

mise en place

Am I the only one who is really disturbed by the butter scene in Last Tango in Paris? I can't find it sexy at all. I mean, even Maria Schneider was upset after that scene - which wasn't even in the original screenplay.

CaddyFdot

@mise en place Yeah, that looked nonconsensual to me. I've not seen the whole movie, so perhaps I'm missing context, but she did not look willing or happy at all.

ArlenKenas00

My last pay check was $9500 working 12 hours a week online. My sisters friend has been averaging 15k for months now and she works about 20 hours a week. I can't believe how easy it was once I tried it out. This is what I do, www.Best96.com

Dika

It wasn't that it was not at all sexy, although it was NOT, it was just so ridiculously cheesy and terrible! Lots of like easy listening sax music montages. Formula Ms. Excel

flapcacks

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Slp6jdu2DA
Sounds kinky, is kinda tbh, but is like a erotic murder revenge wuxia flick all in one.

nonoEF

The Pillow Book with a young repeatedly naked Ewan Macgregor

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