Previously: Couples Therapy
Sara Lautman draws funnies and illustrations.
art, comics, teachers, coping, sara lautman, foggy memories, getting yelled at, retaliation
This is spot on for me. Except I have to keep it in check even if I am alone, because if not my poor dog skulks away like it's her fault I'm mad (it is never her fault, she is perfect and precious) and then I feel like an asshole.
Ugh, I'm feeling that indignation/guilt feeling right now just thinking about it. Also, when I read the gross film part, I read it as seeing a gross film of being yelled at all day too - like, in my head, just seeing it happening over and over. Yuck!
"Everyone else heard the directions." Ugh, that brings back some bad memories. I was constantly getting yelled at by teachers for not listening to directions, but for really small or imagined infractions - like not writing my name on the top of the workbook page. It was just so NOT necessary to yell about that. My mind still boggles as to how an adult could get so angry at a child for something so minor.
Oh, and I feel the same self-conscious about yelling at other people, even when I'm actually angry. Like it's all a performance and I'm hoping I'm convincing the other person of my authentic anger.
Having just enjoyed a fun afternoon yesterday of being screamed at by my mother-in-law, I can so relate to almost ALL of this, as I am experiencing it right now. The only part I can't relate to is not being able to yell myself, because I DEFINITELY can let loose. If I'd drawn this, I would have also added a panel where you feel humiliated and wonder if everybody else in the world is been thinking of you as a shitty human being.
But yeah, feeling that mix of intense indignation and guilt? Totally there with you right now. :/
I heard a lot of yelling when I was a kid, and this was always my reaction-- mostly shame and guilt, mixed with indignation. I still dread the feeling of being in trouble for screwing up, at my job or in a friendship or romantic relationship. I'm extremely conscious of not being a yelling parent, but I have to admit, I've lost it with my three year old a few times. This makes me both very sympathetic to my overworked and underappreciated parents and very guilty over not always processing my own frustration in a healthiest way. This piece is such a good reminder to take a breath and have empathy for the object of your yelling.
This is timely, as I just had the functional equivalent experience (in terms of my physical response) this morning. Being in trouble - or even feeling like you're about to be in trouble - is a horrible feeling for me.
ugh anxiety attacks are pretty wretched.
I'm in a profession where I get yelled at a lot, not by my employer or coworkers, but by the public. It's been interesting to see how I've changed, from taking it really personally at the beginning to learning how to use proper perspective and compartmentalization and letting it roll off my back. It still raises my hackles, but I'm getting better at not letting it hurt my feelings. But yes, the idea of a filmy residue coating you after getting yelled at is so accurate.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose It took me MONTHS at a job like that to be able to move on with the work day and not resent the person who yelled at me. I'm really glad to have that skill now, though.
@Amphora Adapt or (emotionally) die.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose My best technique for dealing with the yelling public is to hang up quietly if they are berating me for something that I didn't do/can't change. Or wading through it if there is something I can help with and then cussing them out as soon as I hang up. 9 years in and I still hang on to it for at least an hour, replaying, rewording, shaking, it depends on the call.
After some time has passed, I do have some favorites though.
There was one person who called and got voice mail and managed to change the outgoing message for everyone in the whole system to a horrible rant.
I'm a chef and I was yelled at as a kid. Does it ever end?
I am lucky in that my parents NEVER yelled at me when I was little, but it puts me at a slight disadvantage because I do NOT know how to handle being yelled at AT ALL now that I'm an adult. I just burst into tears!
My boss sounds like she's yelling just when she's talking sometimes, so when I do screw up I have to tell myself that she's not actually meaning to yell at me - that's just how she sounds. It doesn't always work, and sometimes we end up with me in tears and her looking completely confused.
We're a big yelling family, with lots of gesticulation and hyperbole. It's never seemed particularly personal. It's like we all roar for a bit and then you know where everybody stands. The quiet passive aggressive stuff has always been harder for me to handle, or finding out someone has had a problem with me for a long time and never said anything.
@cordovan sofa Yeah, I feel you. Passive aggressiveness and subtle anger really confuse me and put me on edge.
I think when it goes both ways (everyone in the family yells it out, both parents and kids) and it's equal, it's just a style of communicating. But when it goes only one way (with parents, teachers, other authority figures not allowing "back talk"), I can see how it could be really damaging. Because then you're just trapped there, being yelled at/abused.
@Passion Fruit Agreed. I think of it like how there is a lot of variation in the idea of what is "normal" personal space. There's not a right answer to how far away from somebody you should stand, but there's definitely a way to use it to make someone else feel terrible, and "this is just how I do things" isn't a valid defense. I find yelling useful and not across-the-board horrible, but to be a moral person I am obligated to stop yelling and apologize if somebody is crying instead of yelling back.
@cordovan sofa YES, I had a really hard time adjusting to the midwest. I'd cheerfully yell at friends about unimportant stuff and they'd be upset about it?? And then I'd mildly annoy them and they'd stop talking to me for an hour and it would FREAK ME OUT and I thought the FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER, basically it was all just a huge miscommunication all the time.
That said: shouting in a professional context is super uncool and I lose a huge amount of respect for people who can't keep it together when they're supposed to be working. Especially folks who yell at their subordinates — that tips right on over into abusive.
Saying "cockfuck" all the time now.
Oh, man. This is amazing.
For me, it's the slowly building anger over the next few hours (days, weeks?) and coming up with all sorts of awesome retorts in my head that I couldn't come up with at the time. That's the worst!
@stroopwafel And they are almost always good one liners that stops the person in their tracks.
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