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What’s the Worst Song to Have Sex To?

The A.V. Club‘s reader Q&A is asking the important questions this week. “Yakety Sax” is suggested right up front, and I think that’s about right: it would be impossible to exude the proper amount of copulins while listening to something so wacky. Also, certain strains of Dad Rock pose a real problem: “Old Time Rock & Roll,” “Cat’s in the Cradle,” no way. National anthems and hymns would be difficult, oompah-type tuba parade tunes would be so bad, and Kidz Bop, nearly impossible. One writer’s vision:

Sonia Saraiya: The correct answer to this question is “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic,” sung by a Southern Baptist congregation for the special July 4th services that are being held twice this evening (7:30pm and 9pm, tapioca pudding for dessert!). The choir is dressed in red robes for the occasion and has learned hand-clapping choreography. The members have a special harmony devised for the line, “Let the Hero born of woman crush the serpent with his heel,” but they all come back to the main melody for a staggering crescendo in “With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me.” The reanimated ghost of John Brown floats overhead, reciting the words to Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God.” You begin to weep profusely. Your partner begins to weep profusely. The thousand-strong congregation is also weeping profusely. “Be jubilant, my feet!” you all cry out together. You will never fuck again.

Or, what happens if the song is too sexy? From another entry:

Easily the worst was the time “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails came on a random shuffle during a random, uh, horizontal shuffle. It’s just so goddamn on-the-nose. The lyrics might as well be, “Hey hey, we’re having sex now / Doop-da-doo, let’s do all the sex stuff, sex-wise.”

I’m still thinking Yakety Sax. You?



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