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Friday, September 20, 2013

74

What's the Worst Song to Have Sex To?

The A.V. Club's reader Q&A is asking the important questions this week. "Yakety Sax" is suggested right up front, and I think that's about right: it would be impossible to exude the proper amount of copulins while listening to something so wacky. Also, certain strains of Dad Rock pose a real problem: "Old Time Rock & Roll," "Cat's in the Cradle," no way. National anthems and hymns would be difficult, oompah-type tuba parade tunes would be so bad, and Kidz Bop, nearly impossible. One writer's vision:

Sonia Saraiya: The correct answer to this question is “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic,” sung by a Southern Baptist congregation for the special July 4th services that are being held twice this evening (7:30pm and 9pm, tapioca pudding for dessert!). The choir is dressed in red robes for the occasion and has learned hand-clapping choreography. The members have a special harmony devised for the line, “Let the Hero born of woman crush the serpent with his heel,” but they all come back to the main melody for a staggering crescendo in “With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me.” The reanimated ghost of John Brown floats overhead, reciting the words to Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God.” You begin to weep profusely. Your partner begins to weep profusely. The thousand-strong congregation is also weeping profusely. “Be jubilant, my feet!” you all cry out together. You will never fuck again.

Or, what happens if the song is too sexy? From another entry:

Easily the worst was the time “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails came on a random shuffle during a random, uh, horizontal shuffle. It’s just so goddamn on-the-nose. The lyrics might as well be, “Hey hey, we’re having sex now / Doop-da-doo, let’s do all the sex stuff, sex-wise.”

I'm still thinking Yakety Sax. You?

[AVClub]

74 Comments / Post A Comment

noodge

man, when I was in high school and Closer came out, I wanted to have ALL THE SEX to that song. I mean, yeah it's blatant, but the beat is totally made for sexy sex.

j-i-a

@noodge oh yeah. i mean, yeah. i saw NIN at lolla this summer and when closer came on the whole field just started reverberating with sex vibes. buttttt i could see it being kind of awkward in certain sex circumstances

garli

@noodge Agree. I've done some testing and it works out great.

Lily Rowan

@j-i-a Yeah, I feel like ideally it's the song you hear standing up/with clothes on that makes you go off to Do It.

Jennifer Culp

@Lily Rowan Or the song that makes you Do It standing up with clothes still on.

Tafadhali

@noodge My brother thought I needed to listen to "cooler music" when he was 12 and so for my 15th birthday he gave me a CD which -- nestled between "Drops of Jupiter," "Stacy's Mom", and like three War songs -- included "Closer" by NIN.

Needless to say that song will never be sexy to me ever.

(It was definitely the best song on the mix, though.)

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Jennifer Culp

What? How?

Great, now I feel like I'm back to being 12, pretending to have a clue what the older kids are talking about...

stavros

This is the Red Bull version of this song because its just so fucking fast!!! OMG YESSS!!!@m

noodge

on the flip side, I had "crackity jones" by the Pixies come on once when I was getting it owwwnnnn, and it completely killed the mood. The beat and guitars are TOO frenzied, and it was just... bad.

Jennifer Culp

@noodge Oooooooh, yikes, that would be bad. Or Tony's Theme!

nic'kalmus@twitter

@Jennifer Culp "THIS IS A SONG ABOUT A SUPERHERO NAMED TONY!"
"Oh? Tell me more!"

stuffisthings

@noodge better than "Gouge Away" tho

noodge

@stuffisthings hm, i don't know - I always thought Gouge Away was so intense on a gut level, which is almost sexy to me? that's seems like an "angry make up sex" song to me.

Jennifer Culp

@noodge @stuffisthings Hahaha, I've been going back and forth with myself over get-it-or-not-get-it-to-Gouge-Away since posting on this thread earlier. Gigantic would work aces if it, uh, didn't put too much pressure on a partner.

ba-na-nas

@noodge Cactus is good. If you're creepy.

emilies

When I was in college, a group of my friends that were also roommates made a "worst sex songs" CD. Then they had a bet to see who could get the farthest with it playing and not laughing/saying anything. Someone did eventually score a home run.

j-i-a

@emilies that sounds like the best game

Jen@twitter

I don't know, sex during "Yakety Sax" would be nothing short of hilarious. Sex is supposed to be fun, right? We're allowed to laugh?

does it need saying

@Jen@twitter Laughing sex is some of the most memorable sex I've ever had. I fully recommend it. Role playing Beavis & Butthead during sex was about the funniest shit ever (at the time).

leonstj

I have tried, oh so many times, in my life to incorporate any Barry White or Marvin Gaye. At one point in college I refused to take Marvin's greatest hits off my turntable, my bedroom was always one button away from "Let's Get It On".

Nobody would ever bang it out to Marvin. "My First, My Last, My Everything" was even more terrible. I know I've found the love of my life when I can find someone who can simultaneously laugh & be turned on by the most ridiculous overly cliche sexy songs ever.

I feel like D4L's "Laffy Taffy" may be a new jam on this list, as well as Ying Yang Twins "Wait".

j-i-a

@leonstj one of my friends was having sex once and that ying yang twins song came on and he realized he was thrusting to the exact rhythm and it was game over

lora.bee

@leonstj I feel like Love Serenade would be the best Barry song for the intimate times... What Am I Gonna Do With You is my fav, and might sound like it would be a good bedroom song, but it's just too darn upbeat.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@leonstj The thing with making Marvin Gaye work is doooooooon't do the greatest hits. You cannot do it to Let's Get It On or else everybody's going to end up howling with laughter. Put on the I Want You or Here My Dear albums and it'll go very smoothly.

planforamiracle

@leonstj I believe Al Green trumps both Barry White and Marvin Gaye.. just a little smoother.

The Wub

Crocodile Rock.

j-i-a

@The Wub hahaha omg

newyorkette

"Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel. Just... think about it.

leonstj

@newyorkette I love billy joel, but so much of it is problematic. I'm picturing doin' it to "Leningrad" right now and lol'ing at my conference call.

noodge

@newyorkette that is hilarious. for me it's about beats, and that beat is so... silly and boppy and imagining someone sexing to it is the best.

lora.bee

@newyorkette I am picturing having the whole Stranger album on now and actually crying with laughter.

I KNOOOOW THAT EEEEVERYBODY HAAAS A DREEEAAM

Lily Rowan

"Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder. Great song, opens with a baby crying. Yeah, no.

planforamiracle

@Lily Rowan haha yeah, any song with sound effects definitely kills the mood. but a baby crying is probably the worst possibility.

leonstj

Anything off Weezer Blue. I mean, I love that album and all, but it's so damned earnest, and reminds me of being a 13 year old playing dungeons and dragons with a kiss poster in my garage. Not sexy.

limnupon

I have a fine selection of polka, just for the occasion of sex-ruining. Not really, but it seemed to work wonders on the loud dude I shared a wall with in college. I recommend the "Too Fat Polka". Come to think of it, Weird Al would be just awful, spectacularly awful. Also, any John Philip Sousa.

Tafadhali

@limnupon I feel like "what Weird Al song did you immediately imagine having hilarious/terrible sex to upon reading this comment?" probably functions as some sort of personality test.

My head immediately went to "La-la-la-lasagna!"

redridinghoodrat

Things were getting sensual and "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt came on and I put my head up like a deer in the forest waiting for the danger to pass, but he was completely unaware that there was a problem. We never made out again.

That said, Disneyland's Mainstreet Electric Light Parade might be an experience that leaves one ... changed.

Sarah Markel@facebook

Velvet Underground's White Light/White Heat was really weird. Lou Reed does not make the sexy vibes.

Cristina Galie@facebook

I lost my virginity to "Call Me Maybe" in the background, where do I claim my prize?

large__marge

Not a song, but the ads for Progressive and LensCrafters that come on Spotify in the middle of the R&B mix you were just getting into.

blueberry mary

One time, I was having some "alone time" with the radio on in the background, and Bette Midler's "From A Distance" came on.

I can't finish with her shouting "GOD IS WATCHING US!" at me.

swirrlygrrl

@blueberry mary Biggest and most office innapropriate "HA!" ever while reading that.

Emby

I don't know about songs, but I can tell you that the worst television show to have on in the background while you lose your virginity is the PBS series Arthur.

Tammy Pajamas

@Emby Also not a song, but Naked Lunch is a pretty weird thing to have sex to as well.

stuffisthings

@Emby I'd say Law and Order: SVU is also pretty bad to have on when things get hot 'n' heavy.

Emby

@stuffisthings I guess, but Stabler does it for my ladyfriend, so, you know. I'm able to keep the cognitive dissidence at bay.

Alli525

@Emby My best friend from high school and I were watching Meet Joe Black for the first time, probably junior year or so, and it had just gotten to the steamy scenes when we heard my mom coming upstairs, so we dove for the remote and switched it to the first channel we could punch in... which happened to be PBS... and Arthur was on. Our catchphrase for anything absurd or awkward for several years afterward was "Heyyyyyy it's Arthur."

SmartCookie

From a friend (I swear!): Come What May from the Moulin Rouge soundrack. With a one night stand. Who liked to sing.

Jennifer Culp

@SmartCookie Hold up a sec--was this one night stand singing the song DURING the sexin'? That's a whole 'nother level.

lora.bee

@SmartCookie I am laughing so hard I can't breathe

stuffisthings

A lot of gospel music is actually pretty OK if you imagine the lyrics are directed at a sexy lady and not at Jesus.

stuffisthings

(unfortunately my wife is in a [Catholic] gospel choir so I don't think I'll be testing my theory in this lifetime)

leonstj

@stuffisthings - that's the exact opposite of what my parents told me to do with ac/dc songs.

TheMnemosyne

My vote is for Cotton-Eyed Joe by Rednex.

Jennifer Culp

@TheMnemosyne OH MY GOOOOOD, or Rocky Top (I live in east Tennessee)

leonstj

@Jennifer Culp Maybe it's because i'm a northerner & have virtually no mental associations of bluegrass, but i kind of like the idea of literal rolls in the hay soundtracked to bluegrass.

lora.bee

Pretty much anything Green Day. I speak from experience.

Amphora

@lora.bee "Kung Fu Fighting," also from experience.

nic'kalmus@twitter

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

Watts Up?

Probably anything by Toby Keith. Or Sammy Kershaw.

Maybe a mashup of "Red Solo Cup" and "Queen of my Double-wide Trailer" would be the Absolute Worst Sex Song Ever.

Das Rad

Butterfly Kisses. Definitely Butterfly Kisses.

lucy snowe

There was a time I might have proffered Scott Joplin's piano rags. I was making jokes along those lines once when I saw my friend had a CD collection. He took it as a challenge.

And you know, it was actually rather lovely.

hands_down

I was with a dude once who had a mixtape playing, and "Lady in Red" came on. I pretty much dried up.

Queen Elisatits

this song came up on pandora one time, at a very...opportune moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AREppyQf5uw
I totally got the giggles.

Danzig!

I'm trying to find that clip from 30 Rock of Jack trying to defuse sexual tension by playing John Philip Sousa marches but I can't :(

ba-na-nas

One time, a roomie burned me a cd which is "hey ya" by outkast 28 times in a row. I think that counts. It was fab for washing the dishes, though.

swirrlygrrl

@ba-na-nas I clean the bathroom to "Call Me Maybe." So much fun to scrub to!

Tafadhali

Well my worst sex ever was definitely when Nite Owl and Silk Spectre II got it on to Leonard Cohen's version of "Hallelujah" in Watchmen, and I was just watching that.

silverscreen

@Tafadhali Still incredibly scarred by that scene! SHUDDER

Danzig!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIbcqgXh5-4

Danzig!

@Danzig! Wait a second, this isn't the best sex song thread :(

cupcakecore

Speaking for myself, Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin to fuck to.

katzenklavier

@cupcakecore Disagree, if it's not going well you can just picture Method Man and problem solved.

Ames

One time "The Seed" by The Roots shuffled on and we both started laughing so hard we had to stop everything. It was kind of a good bonding moment though, in a weird way?

Also I lost my virginity to "Run" by Snow Patrol which is a very lovely song but is so earnest and CW Teen Drama that I get embarrassed thinking about it.

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