Monday, September 16, 2013


Sexing Up My Childhood Bedroom

My boyfriend is coming into town tonight so I read an article called “5 Ways to Sex Up Your Bedroom.” I wish it was called “5 Ways to Sex Up Your Childhood Bedroom in Your Parents House Because You Still Live at Home You Loser” but we can’t always get what we want. Here are the tips I have learned.

Sheets with an undulating wavy water pattern stimulate our watery, emotional nature.

First things first: Bed Bath & Beyond. “Excuse me, do you have any undulating wavy patterned sheets?” “Undulating?” the Bed Bath Man asked, “Undulating,” I said. He showed me some blue sheets, and some sheets with zig-zags. “Like this?” he asked. “No, smoother lines. More wavy. Something that stimulates our watery, emotional nature. This one looks more like a schizophrenic nature,” I said. I was starting to get frustrated. Why was this so hard? I eventually gave up and decided I’d just use my regular sheets, but mist them a little before my boyfriend got there, possibly with a spray bottle.

Clean and unclutter your bedroom. By doing this, the possibilities are endless for decorating and accessorizing your room to make it a sexier haven.

I guess I was supposed to unclutter so that I could accessorize. That sounded about right. So I threw all my clothes into the trash and decorated the room with Precious Moments figurines, mostly depicting the birth of Jesus, and also soccer tournaments. What says “sexy haven” like a small big-eyed baby wedding? Then I hung some flowy scarves around, to remind him of sex.

The allure of the bedroom happens with the color you choose for the walls. Visit your paint store and ask for suggestions.

So I did. “Excuse me, do you have any sexy paint colors? I’m trying to make my bedroom alluring.” “What types of colors are you looking for?” asked the Sherwin Williams Man. Why was everyone making my day so hard? Why couldn’t anyone just help me out? I wasn’t asking for much. He showed me one color called Latin Zest, but it wasn’t right. “Should we Google it?” he asked. He was so useless. We ended up Googling “sexy paint” on the store computer, and the first thing that came up was Black Satin. “I’ll take it,” I said. 

Choose wall hangings or pictures that are sensual and/or soothing; no photos of your kids or your mom and dad staring at you!

I went home and painted my room Black Satin, occasionally misting my bed sheets while waiting for each coat to dry. Luckily I don’t have kids, and I don’t like my parents, so there were no photos anywhere. The closest thing was one of my childhood dog, Snoopers, who has since died. I didn’t want to freak out my boyfriend and remind him of things I love, so I cracked the glass of the picture, and then, to be safe, lit it on fire and then flushed it down the toilet. I put up pictures of sexy stuff, like close-ups of vaginas I printed out from Google Images, and some of insects doing it in the air. I thought those were not only sensual, but also informative and science-related. So he’d know I’m smart.

For some, opening the window and letting fresh air into the room is all that's needed to set the stage for intimacy.

The article didn’t say anything about this advice being weather-permitting, so I opened all the windows. On the bright side, the paint fumes were able to escape, but on the dark side, all the rain got in. Or was that a good thing? Water will remind him of my watery, emotional nature! This is perfect. But really, really cold. I’ll keep my sweat suit and rain jacket on tonight. But in a sexy, watery way.

Obviously, the sound of soft and sultry music in the bedroom is a no-brainer for stimulating sensual, erotic emotions. But don't overlook some of the old-time, surefire seductors like classical Debussy and PacoBell's Canon.

I’m not even that smart (well, smart enough to know how insects do it), but I know it’s not Paco Bell who has a Canon. More likely he has a 5 Paco Crunch Supremes for 5.99 deal. Either way, this article was right. Solid gold. Pachelbel’s Canon is a classic wedding song, reminding men about sexy stuff like commitment and dying together. I wanted to take it a step further, so I downloaded the classic Wedding March on iTunes. They have about 280 versions of it, so I downloaded them all, so they could last all night. Sexy sex sex.

Gently trickling water fountains and tinkling chimes encourage serenity, relaxation and love.

Enough with the water already! Just kidding, this sounds like sage advice. I’ll leave the sink running just a little.

Remember, music to your partner's ears can also be your own voice saying "I love you."

We haven’t said it yet, but I think tonight is the night. In the blackness of my black satin room, while the wedding march plays and we canoodle in my wet bed, I’ll whisper in his ear. Forever. Or wait, is it saying to sing it? It says it should sound like music. Yeah, I’ll sing it.

And a sloping bowl of fresh, sexy 'A' foods: apples, apricots, almonds, avocados, even a bowl of artichoke spinach dip with pita chips — all aphrodisiacs.

He’s almost here, but luckily I have just enough time to make some cheesy artichoke dip to put next to the bed for when we pause our love-making. Ew, just kidding, I would never call it that. Unless he wanted me to. “Hand me a Dorito dipped in artichokey goop,” I’ll sing-whisper in his ear, between the “I love you’s. Maybe he’ll drip some across my chest and have to lick it off. I don’t know. I want it to be spontaneous obviously, so we’ll just have to see. Tonight’s the night. Fingers crossed, sheets undulating, bedroom wet in all the right places.

Previously: Welcome Home

Emma Barrie has also written for the New York Times and This Recording. 

Photo via Jason Lam/flickr

52 Comments / Post A Comment


I don't know, I think "PacoBell's Canon" tells us all we need to know about this article.

Also, I loved I put up pictures of sexy stuff, like close-ups of vaginas I printed out from Google Images, and some of insects doing it in the air. I thought those were not only sensual, but also informative and science-related. So he’d know I’m smart.

Not least because often if I accidentally get a bunch of Google Image results of vaginas, they're eerily reminiscent of 9th Grade Sex Ed, aka Don't Do It Or You Get THESE Horrifying Diseases.


thats how you know its good@m

vine fruit

Wait. Is this about a real article? Did someone actually write the words "PacoBell's Canon" unironically?


@vine fruit If you're not into PacoBell, the article also suggests some "easy listening, ethereal Ambient, Atmospheres or other New Age music, the smooth jazz trumpet of Chris Botti, and other 70's classics like Boz Scaggs, Earth, Wind & Fire and the scorching saxophone of Argentinian Gato Barbieri." SCORCHING. All I can think of is Jon Hamm's "Sergio" busting into the room while I'm trying to eat my artichoke dip.

Lily Rowan

@bevrockin I really wish I could somehow insert those horns at the beginning of EWF's "September" right here.


@Lily Rowan I can hear them! God, they're sexy!


@j-i-a And these pieces are "seductors." I keep staring at that word.



vine fruit

@j-i-a What can I say, my bedroom is super sexy adult times place.


@vine fruit PacoBell????? D:


@vine fruit oh my god i have really screwed myself over by not having an all-pokemon bedroom as a way to weed out the faint-of-heart D

vine fruit

@j-i-a It's okay, just get a C3PO body pillow and when you do that come-hither thing where you sit down and pat the bed next to you, casually pull the sheet back to reveal the human-cyborg relations expert beneath. Works similarly and saves money!


@vine fruit hahahaha

Casanova Frankenstein

@j-i-a I have pokemon cards and topless pin-up girls hanging up over my bed, and every single boy who has ever come into my room has noticed the pokemon before the boobs.


@j-i-a also how can the Greeks (the implication seems to be ancient, right?) have called chocolate "food of the gods" if chocolate is native to South America?? this is insane.


K. Peace out, Hairpin.

Faintly Macabre

@Emma Carmichael To be fair, you did forget to put a NSFW tag on this. That photo of the spinach dip...whoa.


@Faintly Macabre I need to get better at NSFW restraint: last week's article about dickholes, I swear this is what happened in my head, "Ahaha, I cannot read that at work.... oh wait, there are comments, I'll just click on those... ok well, I'm here now, so..."


@mggdvs Wow, your comment history is GREAT.

A. Louise

The alt tag on that sexy spinach artichoke dip has me on my knees

(in laughter, of course)


@A. Louise Because it's true.


@A. Louise so thick, so wet and cheesy

RK Fire

@j-i-a I like my lovers like I like my spinach artichoke dip?


@RK Fire we're getting super close to a discussion of my least favorite word that starts with an "s" and ends with an "a"


@RK Fire and i'm ready for it

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@j-i-a Soda? Sofa? Salsa? (These are honestly the only words fitting your description I can think of right now.)


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Samosa? Santa? I really want to know now.


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

You guys. It's smegma.

Sorry Jia. I had to!


@wee_ramekin Augh no I take it back


@wee_ramekin NAILED IT


This made me laugh and laugh a lot.

lasso tabasco

@missupright samesies. There are tears in my eyes.


@missupright Yeah, this is pretty fantastic.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I really think there is an opportunity for multi-tasking here: why not hide blobs of the artichoke dip IN the sheets, so not only will they be wet and could look undulating, but he'll also be reminded of your resourcefulness, a la, "Hungry after all that love-making? Well, just look under your armpit! There are chips in the pillowcases. WINK"


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Mind = Blown


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Eee gads, that's gross/entrancing.


Mr. QuadrophonicSound and I lived in his childhood bedroom for two years while we did some long-term housesitting for his parents. I didn't have any trouble with family photos killing the mood, but I did ask that we take down the pastel portrait of Jesus carrying/hugging/smelling the hair of a small child that was close to the bed.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

I would comment, but I have to go to the bathroom real bad all of a sudden

Faintly Macabre

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict How to sexily make your man wet the bed.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

K, done now. More action than I thought. I guess you could call me "PacoBell's Cannon," know what I'm sayin'?!


I’ll keep my sweat suit and rain jacket on tonight. But in a sexy, watery way.

Full Gorton's fisherman or nothing.




@TheLetterL Gorton's fisherman should be included on the fuckyeahcraggydudes Tumblr, if it ever comes to pass. Fishy Hot!


I am having the worst craving for Doritos and hot cheesy spinach dip now.


If I had the energy, I would like every single comment on this post. Also, the alt text.


This made me laugh and laugh a lot.

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