My boyfriend is coming into town tonight so I read an article called “5 Ways to Sex Up Your Bedroom.” I wish it was called “5 Ways to Sex Up Your Childhood Bedroom in Your Parents House Because You Still Live at Home You Loser” but we can’t always get what we want. Here are the tips I have learned.
Sheets with an undulating wavy water pattern stimulate our watery, emotional nature.
First things first: Bed Bath & Beyond. “Excuse me, do you have any undulating wavy patterned sheets?” “Undulating?” the Bed Bath Man asked, “Undulating,” I said. He showed me some blue sheets, and some sheets with zig-zags. “Like this?” he asked. “No, smoother lines. More wavy. Something that stimulates our watery, emotional nature. This one looks more like a schizophrenic nature,” I said. I was starting to get frustrated. Why was this so hard? I eventually gave up and decided I’d just use my regular sheets, but mist them a little before my boyfriend got there, possibly with a spray bottle.
Clean and unclutter your bedroom. By doing this, the possibilities are endless for decorating and accessorizing your room to make it a sexier haven.
I guess I was supposed to unclutter so that I could accessorize. That sounded about right. So I threw all my clothes into the trash and decorated the room with Precious Moments figurines, mostly depicting the birth of Jesus, and also soccer tournaments. What says “sexy haven” like a small big-eyed baby wedding? Then I hung some flowy scarves around, to remind him of sex.
The allure of the bedroom happens with the color you choose for the walls. Visit your paint store and ask for suggestions.
So I did. “Excuse me, do you have any sexy paint colors? I’m trying to make my bedroom alluring.” “What types of colors are you looking for?” asked the Sherwin Williams Man. Why was everyone making my day so hard? Why couldn’t anyone just help me out? I wasn’t asking for much. He showed me one color called Latin Zest, but it wasn’t right. “Should we Google it?” he asked. He was so useless. We ended up Googling “sexy paint” on the store computer, and the first thing that came up was Black Satin. “I’ll take it,” I said.
Choose wall hangings or pictures that are sensual and/or soothing; no photos of your kids or your mom and dad staring at you!
I went home and painted my room Black Satin, occasionally misting my bed sheets while waiting for each coat to dry. Luckily I don’t have kids, and I don’t like my parents, so there were no photos anywhere. The closest thing was one of my childhood dog, Snoopers, who has since died. I didn’t want to freak out my boyfriend and remind him of things I love, so I cracked the glass of the picture, and then, to be safe, lit it on fire and then flushed it down the toilet. I put up pictures of sexy stuff, like close-ups of vaginas I printed out from Google Images, and some of insects doing it in the air. I thought those were not only sensual, but also informative and science-related. So he’d know I’m smart.
For some, opening the window and letting fresh air into the room is all that's needed to set the stage for intimacy.
The article didn’t say anything about this advice being weather-permitting, so I opened all the windows. On the bright side, the paint fumes were able to escape, but on the dark side, all the rain got in. Or was that a good thing? Water will remind him of my watery, emotional nature! This is perfect. But really, really cold. I’ll keep my sweat suit and rain jacket on tonight. But in a sexy, watery way.
Obviously, the sound of soft and sultry music in the bedroom is a no-brainer for stimulating sensual, erotic emotions. But don't overlook some of the old-time, surefire seductors like classical Debussy and PacoBell's Canon.
I’m not even that smart (well, smart enough to know how insects do it), but I know it’s not Paco Bell who has a Canon. More likely he has a 5 Paco Crunch Supremes for 5.99 deal. Either way, this article was right. Solid gold. Pachelbel’s Canon is a classic wedding song, reminding men about sexy stuff like commitment and dying together. I wanted to take it a step further, so I downloaded the classic Wedding March on iTunes. They have about 280 versions of it, so I downloaded them all, so they could last all night. Sexy sex sex.
Gently trickling water fountains and tinkling chimes encourage serenity, relaxation and love.
Enough with the water already! Just kidding, this sounds like sage advice. I’ll leave the sink running just a little.
Remember, music to your partner's ears can also be your own voice saying "I love you."
We haven’t said it yet, but I think tonight is the night. In the blackness of my black satin room, while the wedding march plays and we canoodle in my wet bed, I’ll whisper in his ear. Forever. Or wait, is it saying to sing it? It says it should sound like music. Yeah, I’ll sing it.
And a sloping bowl of fresh, sexy 'A' foods: apples, apricots, almonds, avocados, even a bowl of artichoke spinach dip with pita chips — all aphrodisiacs.
He’s almost here, but luckily I have just enough time to make some cheesy artichoke dip to put next to the bed for when we pause our love-making. Ew, just kidding, I would never call it that. Unless he wanted me to. “Hand me a Dorito dipped in artichokey goop,” I’ll sing-whisper in his ear, between the “I love you’s. Maybe he’ll drip some across my chest and have to lick it off. I don’t know. I want it to be spontaneous obviously, so we’ll just have to see. Tonight’s the night. Fingers crossed, sheets undulating, bedroom wet in all the right places.
Photo via Jason Lam/flickr