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One Weird Trick to Control Your Boyfriend’s Mind (the Trick Is Pouring Juice in His Dickhole)

Want to hear a secret? It’s a good one. Some might call it epic.

You know how, as women, we are constantly being reminded to enhance our appearance and increase our sex appeal so men will be attracted to us? How millions of straight women spend billions of dollars on clothes and beauty products to peacock around for some guy burping at the bar? How long has it been since you’ve really thought about how much time we spend waxing, manicuring, preening, primping, sometimes resorting to surgery, and wearing undergarments that treat our buttcheeks like teeth with corn stuck in them?

If you’re doing this to entrance the menfolk, will you believe me when I say you’re completely wasting your time? We already possess the key to attraction, and the door is located in the hoo-ha.

The vagina is a sorceress concocting magical potions; the hormones our pleasure box produces have a power that is being tragically overlooked. I recently watched “The Science of Sex Appeal,” a documentary explaining the influence that copulins—vaginally secreted hormones—have on men. Here I learned about one fascinating experiment, in which scientists created synthetic copulins for men to inhale.

Yes, really. Isn’t it nice to think that science took the time to both fabricate and administer cooch scent through a gas mask into the faces of male guinea pigs? I think it’s pretty nice. For one brief moment, balance was achieved in this universe.

So: while inhaling the fragrance of a woman’s front bottom, the male subjects were shown photographs of women with varying degrees of conventional beauty and asked to rate their attractiveness. The findings were remarkable. While huffing even the synthetic scent of clam dish, men were unable to discern or rank women’s beauty.

In other words, everyone’s sexy when a man’s wafting on twat.

How is it possible that this study wasn’t widely released, its results instantly becoming common knowledge among women? If ball sweat had these powers, men would not only be harnessing it and using it regularly, but also mass-producing it to yield high profit margins. It’s obviously high time I manufacture a fragrance called “L’eau de Snatch.” Smell like muff and you’ll be sure to attract men, should that be your goal.

And, it gets better. Not only does this particular scent enhance the perception of our beauty, copulins have actual mind control effects on the male brain. When a man is exposed to a woman’s copulins over time, she is eventually able to:

1) Change, remove, or insert memories
2) Tell the male what he sees, hears, feels, smells, tastes
3) Insert subconscious thoughts that will surface as male “ideas” or behavior later
4) Plant trigger words or actions that can cause thoughts, actions, or sensations in the male at later dates (days, weeks, even months)

Any man still reading this may be saying to himself, “What the F? Nothing is capable of turning me into that much of a zombie.” Women, you may be saying to yourself, “How might I go about doing this?”

Here’s how. The process is called “coupling.” A man has to be inside you, but not thrusting. You lie together like puzzle pieces, and:

While the penile duct is being opened, the vaginal walls begin secreting a much thicker fluid, thicker even than the fluid holding the penis in place. The fluid is chemically attracted to semen. In short, the fluid enters the penis, follows the semen down the shaft and directly into the gonads. This process can take as long as fifteen minutes, and requires that the vagina produce up to and exceeding 100 milliliters (a little less than half a cup) of this fluid in order to completely fill the penile shaft and gonads. This is over twenty times as much fluid as is ejaculated by the male during sexual intercourse.

Feel free to visualize this process. You’re welcome for the lovely picture of half a cup of fluid flowing down a guy’s pee-hole and nesting in his balls.

Perhaps you are thinking, “How do I get a guy to hang out inside me while also resisting the instinct to thrust back and forth?” Good question. You have two options.

The first is to be honest. Tell him what you are doing, make him a willing participant, and then go feed that unicorn.

The second is to be discreet and distracting. It takes time for your nectar to stream into him, so the fastest and most effective position is lady on top. My advice is to have sex but then don’t get off of him. Play it cool. Talk about upcoming global warfare, ask him to explain the rules of a sport you hate, or simply pretend to fall asleep because he was “that good.” [Ed. note: The Hairpin does not necessarily endorse the act of pouring vaginal secretion down someone’s urethra to control their mind without their prior knowledge.]

After 15 minutes, the copulins have been released like a pack of wild dogs. They travel from his balls up to his hypothalamus. He is now fully susceptible.

Once a hypothalamus is flooded with copulins, the male brain is just sitting on idle, with only the bare minimum of thought process. In this state, the male is probably not thinking of anything at all, but any input from the female will become the male’s singular focus.

The implications are pretty wild. Under the influence, you can suggest acts for him to perform. I recommend staying within reach of his moral compass, but from there, the sky’s the limit. Testimonials are remarkable. Copulin-infused men not only comply with the requests of their women, but also do so happily. Men and women alike attest that “coupling” has genuinely improved their relationships.

While it’s fantastic on a micro level that men can became better partners, I can’t help but think of the bigger picture. Imagine if we get the wives, girlfriends and mistresses of male members of Congress to couple their way into some much-needed legislation getting passed in this country?

Are you ready to change the world?

 

Toni Nagy is a writer for Huffington Post, Salon, Alternet, Elephant Journal, Yoga Dork, Be You Yoga, and more. She has a blog where she chronicles her adventures with her 3-year old daughter.  Toni also writes many text messages, and responds to most emails.  

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