Improving My Woman Cave

To the NFL Team Shop:

It is Game Day in the Woman Cave.

To prepare for Game Day I am here in my Woman Cave, mixing onion dip in my Cleveland Browns Snack Time Glass Bowl. Eventually I will serve the onion dip in the WinCraft Cleveland Browns Snack Helmet, but for now it just needs some salt, so here I have the Cleveland Browns Gameday Ceramic Salt & Pepper Shakers. (Appropriate, as it is Game Day today.) I’m wearing my Cleveland Browns Brown Team Chef Hat and Apron Set, and I am looking for an opportunity today to use my brand new Cleveland Browns Silver Team Logo Pro Toaster—not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns ProToast Elite Toaster, which is an older model that I quite frankly have no use for anymore. With the Cleveland Browns Silver Team Logo Pro Toaster and the Cleveland Browns Logo Sandwich & Waffle Grill, this Woman Cave is doing just fine on the carbohydrate intake, thank you very much.

I’m taking breaks from the onion dip to write to you in my Cleveland Browns Deluxe Hardcover Notebook, using my Cleveland Browns 8-Pack Twist Crayons. I only ever use the brown and orange Cleveland Browns Twist Crayons, obviously, because of the Cleveland Browns team colors, and when I am not using them at all I store them in the Cleveland Browns Black Wooden Desktop Organizer, which, as you surely are aware, is a must-have for any respectable Woman Cave. I don’t know if I’m alone here but it seems to me that if the Cleveland Browns 8-Pack Twist Crayons came in only brown and orange ink, more Woman Caves would find a use for them.

But there are other things to discuss.

The Woman Cave is not like the Man Cave, and it is not like the Fan Cave. Let us be clear here: This is no Man Cave. This is no Fan Cave. This is the Woman Cave. If it were a Man Cave there would be a Cleveland Browns Man Cave Banner hanging over there, on the wall. And if it were a Fan Cave there would be a WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11” x 17” Fan Cave Wood Sign hanging over there. There is no WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11” x 17” Woman Cave Wood Sign just yet. You may recall that I have written to the NFL Team Shop on 13 separate occasions, every time using my Cleveland Browns Deluxe Hardcover Notebook and the brown and orange Cleveland Browns Twist Crayons, but I have not yet heard back about either the production efforts going into the WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11” x 17” Woman Cave Wood Sign or the Cleveland Browns Woman Cave Banner. Let us mark this as the 14th letter requesting an update on the production of those two items.

I have also written on seven separate occasions about the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder. You may recall that I am very pleased with the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder. It is an excellent product. I have them here in the Woman Cave as a way to underscore the fact that this is a Cleveland Browns cave with a decidedly feminine touch. You may remember I personally have bought 12 of the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders so that together they could function like a real wine rack—a home remedy that I’m sure you would agree should not really be necessary. But one Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder is not really enough, I’ve learned; 12 Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders are really much more adequate. If ever you offer the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder in a bundle-of-12 package, I would request a prorated price on my 12 separate Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it, which hopefully will be after this letter, which marks my eighth inquiry into the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders Makeshift Rack (copyright pending).

When serving wine in the Woman Cave I use the Cleveland Browns 2-Piece Wine Set, of which I own four sets (eight glasses), and I request that guests to the Woman Cave use a coaster from either the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Neoprene Coaster Set, the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Round Neoprene Coaster Set, the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Sublimated Logo Neoprene Coaster Set, or the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Boasters Stainless Steel Coaster Set. (We all know which is best.) For a brief period I also owned the Cleveland Browns 2-Pack Enhanced High-Definition Executive Glass Set, but as you know I returned them in haste one night when I realized that they were in fact more suitable for a Man Cave than for a Woman Cave. I’m sure you would agree.

(You may also recall that I do own the Cleveland Browns Spatula & Bottle Opener but not the Cleveland Browns Sportula, as the pun in the latter suggests a jocularity not entirely in line with the Woman Cave aesthetic. I might ask, again, why it was deemed necessary to change the perfectly Woman Cave suitable word “Spatula” to “Sportula” in this case, but that is certainly not the point of this letter.)

On the shelf behind the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders Makeshift Rack (copyright pending) I keep the gnomes. On the left is the Cleveland Browns NFL Garden Gnome, which is just a regular Cleveland Browns gnome; next to him is the Cleveland Browns Camouflage Gnome (a Cleveland Browns gnome wearing camouflage); next to him is the Cleveland Browns Long John Gnome (a Cleveland Browns gnome wearing Long Johns); next to him is the Cleveland Browns Mad Hatter Gnome and also the Cleveland Browns Team Mascot Gnome, both of which have a distinguishing feature I have not quite figured out yet; next to them is the Cleveland Browns Gnome Sitting on a Logo, which is really the most interesting gnome of the bunch, because the Cleveland Browns gnome is actually sitting on an entirely separate Cleveland Browns logo. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the NFL Team Shop on its Cleveland Browns Gnome series, which is decidedly perfect and complete, even if some of the distinguishing features are not immediately clear.

The walls here are accented by 18 sets of the Cleveland Browns Team Logo Bunting, one Cleveland Browns Windsock, and one Cleveland Browns 10” Geo Wind Spinner. There is no wind in the Woman Cave, but both the Windsock and the 10” Geo Wind Spinner go with this particular Woman Cave’s theme, if you see what I’m getting at.

In Woman Cave renovations completed just about a year ago and thoroughly documented in my sixth letter to the NFL Team Shop, I removed the track lighting and installed instead only Cleveland Browns lighting throughout the Woman Cave. For example I have here the Cleveland Browns Orange LED Desk Lamp, the Cleveland Browns Art-Glass Table Lamp, and the Cleveland Browns Tiffany Table Lamp, which is even more spectacular than you probably can remember. For more romantic evenings I can use the Northwest Cleveland Browns 2-Pack Flameless Candles, a concept that frankly still boggles the mind. Kudos. I have also recently added the Cleveland Browns Flashing Let’s Go Light, which is like a stoplight that flashes “Let’s – Go – Cleveland Browns” and also the Cleveland Browns Solar-Powered Projection Rock, which I must admit seems rather like an extravagant novelty item, a solar-powered projection light shaped like a rock. I never.

But I digress. The reason I am writing this time around, NFL Team Shop, is that I am frankly confused by the newest addition to my Woman Cave. A week ago I ordered the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet from the Cleveland Browns Team Shop for my Woman Cave, and it arrived today, quite promptly. The issue is that the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet is pink, a color that is decidedly unfit for my Cleveland Browns Woman Cave. I am enclosing it here and expect a full refund posthaste—unless, of course, the NFL Team Shop is now offering the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet in a brown and orange colorway, which, I’m sure you would agree, would be far more appropriate for my Woman Cave.

Happy Game Day, and, as always, thanks for your time.

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