Friday, September 20, 2013


Improving My Woman Cave

To the NFL Team Shop:

It is Game Day in the Woman Cave.

To prepare for Game Day I am here in my Woman Cave, mixing onion dip in my Cleveland Browns Snack Time Glass Bowl. Eventually I will serve the onion dip in the WinCraft Cleveland Browns Snack Helmet, but for now it just needs some salt, so here I have the Cleveland Browns Gameday Ceramic Salt & Pepper Shakers. (Appropriate, as it is Game Day today.) I’m wearing my Cleveland Browns Brown Team Chef Hat and Apron Set, and I am looking for an opportunity today to use my brand new Cleveland Browns Silver Team Logo Pro Toaster—not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns ProToast Elite Toaster, which is an older model that I quite frankly have no use for anymore. With the Cleveland Browns Silver Team Logo Pro Toaster and the Cleveland Browns Logo Sandwich & Waffle Grill, this Woman Cave is doing just fine on the carbohydrate intake, thank you very much.

I’m taking breaks from the onion dip to write to you in my Cleveland Browns Deluxe Hardcover Notebook, using my Cleveland Browns 8-Pack Twist Crayons. I only ever use the brown and orange Cleveland Browns Twist Crayons, obviously, because of the Cleveland Browns team colors, and when I am not using them at all I store them in the Cleveland Browns Black Wooden Desktop Organizer, which, as you surely are aware, is a must-have for any respectable Woman Cave. I don't know if I'm alone here but it seems to me that if the Cleveland Browns 8-Pack Twist Crayons came in only brown and orange ink, more Woman Caves would find a use for them.

But there are other things to discuss.

The Woman Cave is not like the Man Cave, and it is not like the Fan Cave. Let us be clear here: This is no Man Cave. This is no Fan Cave. This is the Woman Cave. If it were a Man Cave there would be a Cleveland Browns Man Cave Banner hanging over there, on the wall. And if it were a Fan Cave there would be a WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11'' x 17'' Fan Cave Wood Sign hanging over there. There is no WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11” x 17” Woman Cave Wood Sign just yet. You may recall that I have written to the NFL Team Shop on 13 separate occasions, every time using my Cleveland Browns Deluxe Hardcover Notebook and the brown and orange Cleveland Browns Twist Crayons, but I have not yet heard back about either the production efforts going into the WinCraft Cleveland Browns 11” x 17” Woman Cave Wood Sign or the Cleveland Browns Woman Cave Banner. Let us mark this as the 14th letter requesting an update on the production of those two items.

I have also written on seven separate occasions about the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder. You may recall that I am very pleased with the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder. It is an excellent product. I have them here in the Woman Cave as a way to underscore the fact that this is a Cleveland Browns cave with a decidedly feminine touch. You may remember I personally have bought 12 of the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders so that together they could function like a real wine rack—a home remedy that I'm sure you would agree should not really be necessary. But one Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder is not really enough, I’ve learned; 12 Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders are really much more adequate. If ever you offer the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder in a bundle-of-12 package, I would request a prorated price on my 12 separate Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it, which hopefully will be after this letter, which marks my eighth inquiry into the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders Makeshift Rack (copyright pending).

When serving wine in the Woman Cave I use the Cleveland Browns 2-Piece Wine Set, of which I own four sets (eight glasses), and I request that guests to the Woman Cave use a coaster from either the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Neoprene Coaster Set, the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Round Neoprene Coaster Set, the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Sublimated Logo Neoprene Coaster Set, or the Cleveland Browns 4-Pack Boasters Stainless Steel Coaster Set. (We all know which is best.) For a brief period I also owned the Cleveland Browns 2-Pack Enhanced High-Definition Executive Glass Set, but as you know I returned them in haste one night when I realized that they were in fact more suitable for a Man Cave than for a Woman Cave. I'm sure you would agree.

(You may also recall that I do own the Cleveland Browns Spatula & Bottle Opener but not the Cleveland Browns Sportula, as the pun in the latter suggests a jocularity not entirely in line with the Woman Cave aesthetic. I might ask, again, why it was deemed necessary to change the perfectly Woman Cave suitable word "Spatula" to "Sportula" in this case, but that is certainly not the point of this letter.)

On the shelf behind the Cleveland Browns High Heel Shoe Bottle Holders Makeshift Rack (copyright pending) I keep the gnomes. On the left is the Cleveland Browns NFL Garden Gnome, which is just a regular Cleveland Browns gnome; next to him is the Cleveland Browns Camouflage Gnome (a Cleveland Browns gnome wearing camouflage); next to him is the Cleveland Browns Long John Gnome (a Cleveland Browns gnome wearing Long Johns); next to him is the Cleveland Browns Mad Hatter Gnome and also the Cleveland Browns Team Mascot Gnome, both of which have a distinguishing feature I have not quite figured out yet; next to them is the Cleveland Browns Gnome Sitting on a Logo, which is really the most interesting gnome of the bunch, because the Cleveland Browns gnome is actually sitting on an entirely separate Cleveland Browns logo. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the NFL Team Shop on its Cleveland Browns Gnome series, which is decidedly perfect and complete, even if some of the distinguishing features are not immediately clear.

The walls here are accented by 18 sets of the Cleveland Browns Team Logo Bunting, one Cleveland Browns Windsock, and one Cleveland Browns 10'' Geo Wind Spinner. There is no wind in the Woman Cave, but both the Windsock and the 10” Geo Wind Spinner go with this particular Woman Cave’s theme, if you see what I’m getting at.

In Woman Cave renovations completed just about a year ago and thoroughly documented in my sixth letter to the NFL Team Shop, I removed the track lighting and installed instead only Cleveland Browns lighting throughout the Woman Cave. For example I have here the Cleveland Browns Orange LED Desk Lamp, the Cleveland Browns Art-Glass Table Lamp, and the Cleveland Browns Tiffany Table Lamp, which is even more spectacular than you probably can remember. For more romantic evenings I can use the Northwest Cleveland Browns 2-Pack Flameless Candles, a concept that frankly still boggles the mind. Kudos. I have also recently added the Cleveland Browns Flashing Let's Go Light, which is like a stoplight that flashes “Let’s – Go – Cleveland Browns" and also the Cleveland Browns Solar-Powered Projection Rock, which I must admit seems rather like an extravagant novelty item, a solar-powered projection light shaped like a rock. I never.

But I digress. The reason I am writing this time around, NFL Team Shop, is that I am frankly confused by the newest addition to my Woman Cave. A week ago I ordered the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet from the Cleveland Browns Team Shop for my Woman Cave, and it arrived today, quite promptly. The issue is that the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet is pink, a color that is decidedly unfit for my Cleveland Browns Woman Cave. I am enclosing it here and expect a full refund posthaste—unless, of course, the NFL Team Shop is now offering the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet in a brown and orange colorway, which, I'm sure you would agree, would be far more appropriate for my Woman Cave.

Happy Game Day, and, as always, thanks for your time.

47 Comments / Post A Comment


Game day! I have given up watching football because I cannot deal with the thought of watching people accruing repetitive head traumas and thinking about all the loss of cognitive functions and risk of depression, etc.

HOWEVER, I have not given up my love of game day related snacks and dips. Feel free to share dip and snack recipes! I'll start: Jam Cinnamon rolls (ready to bake cinnamon rolls with jam rolled in before baking).

RK Fire

@adorable-eggplant Bacon-wrapped jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese!! (The name pretty much lays out the recipe for you.)


@RK Fire Yes, but I need tips because here are the problems I have had trying to make those:

The jalapeno is practically raw. The bacon is over-crisped, but the jalapeno is still almost raw.

How do I get properly crisped bacon and a roasted pepper? Alchemy?

RK Fire

@adorable-eggplant Hmm.. I haven't had that problem. However, I do usually bake them on top of a cooling rack so the bottoms are lying flat against the bottom of the tray. I'm not sure if that helps though. Also, as appropriate, I'll cut the pieces of bacon in half in order not to overwhelm (I know, I know) the jalapeno. Are you using one whole slice/pepper half?

On a side note, my biggest problem with these is that I'm slowly learning how to choose jalapeno peppers that won't burn my face off, and have played around with different peppers over time.


@RK Fire Baking you say? I have only ever tried this on an outdoor grill... that may be the problem.

RK Fire

@adorable-eggplant Ohhhh yes, then I could see that becoming a problem! If you're grilling them, maybe put them on the cooler side of the grill (if you do the two heat thingy that I've only seen on chow.com and have never done) or cook them in aluminium packets to more evenly distribute the heat. I've only baked them.

Princess Slaya

@adorable-eggplant This this so much this. I am so sad about it too, because I really like American Footballlll

As for snacks. I'm lazy. I like Cheeze-its and red wine. Together.


@Princess Slaya I knooooow. I tried watching Rugby, but couldn't get over the field goal placement. And basketball is nice, but too fast-paced for proper snacking/lounging/nap taking.

Cheez-its, yesssss.

RK Fire

@adorable-eggplant Where are you that you can watch rugby regularly? Also, as a former rugger/rugby girlfriend, I kind of feel like rugby is fast paced enough that you can't really nap either. Snacking is definitely doable, but I can snack in any situation. I'm very talented like that.


@RK Fire When I had cable there was a station. ESPN 1,000,000,000 or something like that. Maybe there was a cup going on or something. I don't know, I couldn't really hack it.

I need leisurely breaks for reheating my queso. It's a snack imperative for me.

ETA: I have been strongly considering getting a hotplate for just this reason though, so maybe that would open up a whole new world of sport possibilities.

RK Fire

@adorable-eggplant lololololol I love how much thought you put into your snacking logistics!


absolutely brilliant!@m


I do not have a Buffalo Bills Woman Cave room, just the Buffalo Bills Woman Cave that sits happily in my Buffalo Bills Zubaz.


I'll be over for the third quarter aka The Pedicure Quartertm.


@laurel Wait, but can we talk about how this is actually awesome: http://www.covergirl.com/collections/nfl-collection

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@frozenfresa@twitter It is actually awesome, because if you can't find the right shade and you accidentally end up with another team's colour and you can't return the bottle because can you even do that with an open bottle of nail polish, then having the colours ready for you is a huge time saver.

Not unlike a 12-pack of the high heel wine bottle holders. (Do they make those in home AND away?)


@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) You know what would be cute? Getting the home and away sets and matching white/red wine bottles with the home/away shoe pairs.


@adorable-eggplant @Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)



I'm just glad women's shirts come in actual team colors at all, considering just how much exists out there in pink cursivey crap with sports team names on them.

Anna Weber@facebook

@Scandyhoovian There is an interesting NFL gear commercial that I saw multiple times during the game last night. It is a little girly but mostly not. I liked it: http://www.baltimoreravens.com/videos/videos/Harbaugh-Gives-Speech-For-NFL-Womens-Apparel-/59476657-1332-4ebe-804d-3c0584e53b73


@Scandyhoovian How can you tell I'm a woman if I'm not wearing pink??


@Anna Weber@facebook I saw that commercial a few times, too! The first time I kind of stared at the TV mouth agape, and the second time I asked my mother "Are they saying... can women like football, too?" She and I are tired of borrowing jerseys from the rest of the family.

RK Fire

@Anna Weber@facebook I've seen that a lot too, and I find it really weird because they're just women walking around without much purpose. Admittedly they look badass, but it's.. weird. Although knowing John Harbaugh (aka the sane Harbaugh) is the voice in the speech helps.

Go Ravens.


@RK Fire I do like that the women in the ad are doing things that aren't stereotypically ladyish -- I mean, you have some, like the lady with the baby, but then there's also a skateboarder and stuff. I appreciate that. More I appreciate sports apparel in appropriate colors in sizes that won't make me look like I bought a poncho in my team colors.

RK Fire

@Scandyhoovian Ahh, yeah, it is a mix, but I guess I saw it as more normative (woman with baby, everyone with makeup) than not. Then again, it's the NFL, so I guess I should be glad we're being acknowledged at all.

Btw, though, as I have not been a lifelong fan and only got into football 8 years ago--I thought women's cut jerseys have been around for awhile now, e.g. at least the past five years? I'm in the middle of trying to get one now for myself from a friend. Anyway, that's the other reason why I was a little perplexed by the relatively new commercial.


@RK Fire The NFL has never really marketed to women, but they've been making a major effort in the past three three years --see the new maternity wear line, the new plus size women line, and product placement (like the Ravens fashion photoshoot in the October Cosmo!). This article has more details: http://www.forbes.com/sites/bridgetbrennan/2013/09/04/nfl-raises-its-game-with-women-consumers/

PS Go Ravens!

RK Fire

@frozenfresa@twitter That's really helpful context! thanks. :D


@RK Fire YES, the sane Harbaugh. The only good thing about Jim joining the 49ers is that he makes John so much more tolerable in comparison.

Plus, I have to add: Jim, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, you are not a codfish.


@gigglefest I just buy the men's jerseys. I am generally afraid to buy "women's cut" t-shirts and the like because I am afraid they will be too small. But I am a baseball fan (I think baseball jerseys are not quite so tent-like) and definitely NOT petite.


The only thing awesomer than going out with a woman who likes the same team as you is going out with a woman who likes your rival team.

If I ever find a lady who loves the Red Sox, the Pacers & Heat, and the Dallas Cowboys, I am going to marry her in like, two seconds.

(While wearing an eli jersey under my tuxedo she will not know about until after the wedding!)

EDIT TO ADD: Sorry I feel like an ass for just reducing women to whether or not it is sexy that they like sports. Obviously whether or not I find it attractive is irrelevant, and it is awesome talking to any human being about sports.

RK Fire

@leonstj One of my favorite couples in the world is a Pittsburgh/Cleveland couple (all sports) living in Baltimore. I totally understand what you mean.


@leonstj See, I'm not sure I agree. I can't decide if I'd rather you just not like the sport (in which case there is the potential for conversion or I can just go alone) or if I'd rather you root for the wrong team (the Red Sox or the Braves), in which case you like the sport, but there's that whole sworn emnity thing. But at least there is the potential for amusing bets.


@Blushingflwr I dunno, I'm not a sports fan but I could see the appeal -- sort of like dating a Republican, except with no actual real-world consequences for their wrong beliefs & opinions.


@stuffisthings yeah I was just coming to comment that this is exactly what it is for me.

It all started in college, when my first great relationship was with a woman I shared philosophy classes with. We agreed about the 'big stuff' of life - the role of gov't in peoples bodies, music and ethnic food preferences, when to keep making out on the couch and when to take it to the bedroom.

But we would fight like cats and dogs over the stupidest little points of philosophy, and it was magical. I just really love arguing, like for the fun of argument, but I'm also super-duper non-confrontational when it comes to anything important. Like, I have my religious beliefs, but I feel like a total asshole challenging what somebody else believes about the unknowable or whether or not there is a hereafter.

But arguing over whether Fenway or the good pre-current yankees stadium is the greatest place in baseball? Endless ribbing about how Eli as beat Tom Brady twice in the superbowl, and is therefore CLEARLY a better quarterback? I love it.


@Blushingflwr Riiiight, but I would never, EVER date a Duke fan. It's against everything I stand for. Some rivalries are insurmountable!


@Alli525 Whenever I try to understand Sports Passion I just think back to the time I was sharing a (pre-streaming) Netflix account with my friend who preferred CSI to Law & Order.


The issue is that the Riddell NFL Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Mini Speed Helmet is pink, a color that is decidedly unfit for my Cleveland Browns Woman Cave.

YESSSSS. This whole post knocked me out but the last paragraph was just too much. I'm converting our guestroom into a Niner's Nation Women's Cave. Do you think I could get Colin Kaepernick wallpaper?

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@muddgirl I wonder if you can get a bunch of custom FatHeads made.


When I first saw the picture, I thought it was a tiny little football-themed cornucopia.

Count Chocula

@Blushingflwr Yeah... I've never seen a wine holder/rack with that weird cone shape before! Clearly because I don't have a Woman Cave. :-(

Count Chocula

@Blushingflwr ETA: Holy crap, I just realized it's supposed to be a shoe... :-/

RK Fire

@Blushingflwr FILLED WITH WINE


@RK Fire Yeah, first I didn't even see the football helmet, and I thought this was going to be a post about the beauty of wine-drinking, and thus the little cornucopia filled with wine (which I think I need to find a way to do for Thanksgiving)

Hello Dolly

You're going to need all that wine if you're rooting for the Browns, and I say this as a life-long Browns fan.

A. Louise

@Hello Dolly I came here to say pretty much this, and that the reason you're decking your woman cave out in all Browns gear is because it was all 85% off now that their season is in the tank, right?

I don't care much for sports, but the amount of moaning and intense belaboring for yet another wasted season from the majority of the office I work in makes me feel like I'm as miserable as a true Browns fan. (Also, they keep kicking me out of my parking lot so they can sell my spot for $25 for weekday games. C'MON NOW)


I swear, I always miss the sports-related posts.

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