Well, that was a pleasantly short week! I wonder what happens if I pull this—
BBs, why are you crying this week?
The usual reasons - hitting/being hit, toast cut/uncut/sandwiched/non-sandwiched, juice, car windows open/not open, parents helping/not helping.
In other news:
In an attempt to avoid trouble with the good Christian ladies of the daycare, I have been attempting to retrain The Quiet One from saying "Oh my God", into saying "O.M.G.", but she'll only say "Oh. My. Gee!"
The Diva was complaining about the windows being open in the car making it too windy, so I jokingly asked "Is the wind blowing your face off?" Unfortunately, this sent her into a panic spiral - clutching her face, sobbing and screaming "My face! My faaaaace!"
@iceberg This is the funniest thing I've read all week. I don't know how I'd comfort the poor child while laughing hysterically.
@iceberg ahhh, I love this. there was a little boy in this internet video a few months ago who said "OH EM GOD!!!!" which is also adorable. I love how they hear/interpret/say things...
@iceberg When I was in confirmation they tried to tell us that saying "oh my gosh" was the same as saying "oh my god," because we still knew what we were trying to say. Because GOD knew what we were thinking of saying.
Maybe this is why saying "Jesus Christ" to unbelieveably annoying things is so satisfying to me today.
@iceberg Hahahaha "My face! My faaaaace!" Sounds like something an aging starlet would say. I can see why she's the Diva!
@iceberg my faaaaaaaaaaace
@supernintendochalmers FLAMES! FLAMES on the side of my FACE!!!
@iceberg Nuthin but a Oh My Gee thang
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) bahahahahhahaaaaaa
@districter YES. I'm 28 and only started saying the magic JC words in blasphemous ways a couple years ago. It has been liberating!
@districter My First Day school teacher wouldn't let his kids say "jeeze"! I guess if you're going to take a hard line against blasphemy, you have to.
@iceberg I made the mistake of using sarcasm with my then 8-year-old once and only once - I don't remember what I said but it went over like a lead balloon.
@districter My super-duper-Catholic friend will not say "jiminy cricket" because it has the same initials as Jesus Christ.
@Away Laughing Is this why you are always laughing?
This week is great, we needed a contract employee to help with a nightmare project at work. The first few interviews were nightmare fuel (one guy walked out in the middle and one guy said "my last job was cool, I guess").
So I contacted the Office of Career Services where I got my MS and asked if they had an recent grads who were in the area that would be a good fit and they sent me this kid (he looks 11, but I'm not telling him that) and he's super eager and smart and already working hard and he was like THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING A COOL ALUM. I'm glad to get this dude his first out of school job.
Hooray - that's great!
We interviewed several people to fill a contract position at my office and let me just say I feel your pain with regards to weirdos and nightmare interviews.
(There were all sorts of interesting people. One especially noteworthy woman leaned over and started picking lint off my shirt while I was interviewing her.)
I'm planning a mid-career switch of quitting my job and going to become a teacher. Is this insane? Has anyone done this? Are there any teachers here who (mostly) love their jobs?
@dtowngirl No advice, but I will mention that every teacher I truly loved in school had done something else before becoming a teacher. Good luck!!
My friend's dad did this! I think he was a programmer or something, but now he's a high school math teacher! He seems happy with the switch, although I didn't know him on the "before" side of the equation.
@dtowngirl My boyfriend is a teacher and he loves his job. Yes kids can be a headache (apparently his elementary school had a 'runner' on the first day where a kid bolted and ended up a mile down the road), but he loves doing what he loves all day (music). Also, I mean vacation! hello. Err, i mean shaping the young minds of tomorrow!
@dtowngirl A dear friend of mine did this a couple years ago. he was not prepared for the insanely long hours (lecture prep, grading, semi-mandatory being in charge of various student clubs, etc.) and the necessity of getting a summer job to pay the bills. YMMV of course, but things to think about...
@dtowngirl I knew an attorney who quit law to teach public school so he could be useful to society. He was a good person. However, he was also naive. He failed to ask even one question of the former teachers in our circle. He spent a year getting licensed and another year teaching. Then he went back to being an attorney. He was unprepared for the realities of classroom work. He had no idea how little autonomy he would have as a state (Texas) employee, nor how the crime rate for neighborhood children, for example, was going to be considered his fault, his to correct, just because he was their teacher. Do your homework before you commit! Talk to actual teachers, particularly former teachers.
@everyone Thanks guys--I really appreciate the input.
@dtowngirl I know a few people who have done this. One was an investment banker, even! They are all much happier now, if a tad less flush with cash, but the happiness is definitely what matters more. Everyone I know that has done it has gone the Master of Arts in Teaching route and done a 12 or 15 month program.
@dtowngirl I think this would be an awesome thing to do if you have tried teaching and know you enjoy it. If you've never taught before, though, I think it would be a good idea to get some experience and see if it's for you. I'm sure other people have better ideas on how to do that, but maybe teach English abroad for a year? Or volunteer for an after-school program?
@dtowngirl hi! I am an apprentice teacher of sorts, and my mentor is a career changer who went from 17 years in business/finance journalism to education. he's super passionate and loves his job, claims to be less stressed and more happy after switching (but this is in a non-public school, which makes quite a difference). I think career changers can bring a new and different energy to the classroom, and certainly some interesting life experience.
@supernintendochalmers agreed. volunteering in a school is a great way to test-drive, and often very appreciated.
(I am a former teacher, I am starting my 6th year not teaching, my first year not directly education-adjacent, after 2 years of teaching and 1 year of student teaching, and 40K of debt--which I am still paying off. I don't regret it at all, but it's not a decision to make lightly.)
I'm definitely seconding all the try-before-you-buy remarks. Make sure to volunteer in a school that is your target type of school to teach in (parochial, public, charter, private, religious, nonsectarian, non-profit, for-profit, high-income, low-income, urban, rural, middle, elementary, etc.), during the a school day, or if you have a flexible schedule during the week, sub occasionally (if the districts around you are currently accepting subs). I did a lot of education work outside the classroom before going into teaching and made my decision based on that. I might not have made the same decisions (or I might have made the same decisions for better reasons) that I did regarding my early career.
Other things to keep in mind:
--Kids are real people, too. You'd be working with 30 people (minimum) and their parents. They all have their own motivations for doing what they're doing, their own needs, and their own personalities. Sometimes this is awesome (they have amazing insights you would never think of, tell hilarious jokes, suddenly GET IT after half a year of struggling) and sometimes, really really frustrating (they decide to smoke pot before class, not do their homework, not learn something when you spent three hours making the lesson perfect, complain because you won't let them make out in the back of the room).
Teaching isn't poverty tourism or some kind of magic soul balm. It's your job to help them learn, not their job to make you a better person.
--Teaching can be incredibly rewarding, but it also involves very long hours outside of work. Usually the hours listed for a position are the maximum, what your contract states is your absolute bare minimum. won't be able to get your job done between 7:30 and 3 unless you are a) incredibly efficient and possibly also a time traveler, b) do the absolute bare minimum--you'd have just enough time to photocopy something, teach, eat half a lunch, and pee during your contractual hours, c) a master teacher who has done this for decades, or d) paid part time, but really full time. You will also be standing for most of the day, so wear comfortable shoes and remember to finish your lunch after school lets out.
--Your teaching program matters. I chose the right one for me, and I am forever grateful for everything I learned. Shop around. Choose the right school and right terminal degree for you, whether that's a credential, MA, or M.Ed. (FWIW, the research skills and general content knowledge I got from my MA program has served me incredibly well outside the classroom, as well as in).
And a couple of the practical pieces that no one ever wants to mention, for fear of seeming shallow and cheapening the profession ("what? teaching is a profession, not a calling?!"):
--Depending on where you are, teacher salaries may be great and professional-level, or they may suck. This might be set at a state level, a district level, or a school level, depending on where you are. Some districts pay a LOT, but that doesn't mean you'll get a job with that district! Check around and make sure you can live on the lower end of the lower end of this spectrum at a reasonable level. While salaries go up with time and further education, you could experience a rough couple years.
--While the economy is turning around slllowwwlllyyy, a lot of districts are still hard-hit by a half-decade or more of deep budget cuts. You may see 35+ students per class and fewer resources available to you in terms of administrators, support staff, classroom supplies, emotional reserves, ongoing professional development, and salary and benefits. (And out-of-work parents may have impacted PTA funding, too.)
--Schools are hard-hit by budget cuts, and teaching is not a slam-dunk way of finding a job. If you can teach in a high-need area--high poverty/high turnover schools, or math and science--you'll be more likely to find a position. You may also find yourself as an hourly, low-wage paraprofessional for a couple years before finding a classroom position, or on a temporary contract/jobshare. Charter school careers may be more promising at this point, but they bring their own set of challenges. Make sure that the school is well-funded at the outset of the school year, that the administration has vision for the direction of the school, that there is some kind of safety net for the school in terms of district support (all charters are issued through districts, states, or counties), network support, or parental support, and that you believe in their business model.
--Your retirement benefits may get ...complicated. In some (many? all?) states, you make retirement payments to the state system instead of paying into social security, and you won't get some or all of the social security benefits you would with a normal job. Also people will yell at you even though you pay in each month out of your salary instead of social security, because you're suckling at the teat of government.
Luckily, you have a couple months before applications to teaching programs are due! You have a lot of time to volunteer and research before making a decision. Teaching makes many people incredibly happy, and it might be the right fit for you.
@aardvark This is great information--thank you for sharing.
It is gloriously autumnal in DC today, and should be for most of the weekend. Hooray fall!
@Emby I am jealous of your glorious fall weather, but I will take consolation in the fact that, after a long, cold, foggy "summer", our real "summer" has finally arrived and this weekend promises to be lovely and sunny and warmish.
@Emby Very autumnal in NYC today too - it will be my first winter living in The North and I am VERY excited.
Yay, open thread! And [relatively] early! This is very exciting, although I don't really have anything to be open about.
I worked out this morning which, yay!, but I forgot how doing that before work makes me need Second Breakfast, for which I was not equipped. I can escape for lunch soon, though, but I now need to decide if today is: Burrito Day or Magic Falafel Day. On the one hand, Magic Falafel Day is only once every OTHER week so I'll have to wait 2 weeks to have Magic Falafel but on the other hand I AM RAVENOUS and all I can think about right now is meat. Though the downside to burrito lunch is the struggle to stay awake at my desk for the rest of the afternoon.
Also, after a whopping 2.5 weeks I'm ready for a break from OKC. Yay.
@Jinxie I eat Second Breakfast pretty much every day. I think it's my favorite meal.
@Jinxie I missread this as "makes me need Scotland Breakfast" and I was so excited to know what this kind of breakfast this was and I knew it had to be magical because you needed it and also because it had to do with Scotland
There are magical breakfasts that exist in my mind...
@Tracy I would imagine it's a full English breakfast but with, like, oats involved somehow? And maybe pan-fried haggis? All of which sounds pretty tasty, actually.
@Jinxie ditto on the OKC burnout. Mostly burnout from the repeat-terrible-messagers. Dude, you don't get to give me a guilt trip for simply not responding to your message. I do not owe you anything and I promise you wouldn't prefer a "NOPE" reply. And that's not an argument I'm willing to have. Does this make me cruel and heartless?
@bananalise Oh, the guilt trippers. I'm always tempted to send them this video . But I don't because I'm only moderately cruel and heartless, not completely.
@Jinxie ahhh did we ever get a follow up on the intense texter (intexter?) story? Am I making things up?
@bananalise Usually I just don't respond at all to those guys who are clearly just messaging anyone who presents herself as female, but lately I've found myself more and more tempted to reply to those dudes with some variation on, "LOL whatever"
@PennyCentury God, I WISH you were making it up. Follow up is here. My favorite ("favorite") part is the rando texts I got from him two days later that don't reference the fact that we met or anything we talked about.
And in case anyone wanted an update on what I chose for lunch (I know you were all waiting on tenterhooks), I opted for Burrito. It was delicious, I have no regrets, but I am so full and content and I can't BELIEVE I still have to be at work for 3.5 more hours. I hope this OT picks up because I feel like chatting and not working.
@Jinxie I was definitely in suspense. I opted for giant frozen custard! ...After the smug self-satisfaction of eating a beet salad (brought from home! made from my CSA contents!)wore off and starvation set in. So I think we all win, although I also have so much work time left...
@bananalise Mmmmmmm frozen custard. I don't think there's anywhere I can get that particular treat around here BUT soft serve options abound! Maybe I should get some on my way home.
@bananalise I have found that when I send the "no, thank you" message, they don't just take it and walk away, they argue with me about why I should go out with them.
@Jinxie Aw, my link to my Textie Dude update disappeared when I made an edit. Anyway, it's in last week's FoT. Long story short: We met, it wasn't terrible, but was terribly awkward. He kept his baseball cap on all during brunch(!) and was all stammery nervous and drank 2 drinks hella fast. Super uncomfortable, I bolted as soon as possible, though when we parted he was all, "It was great to meet you, I would love to see you again" and all mopey looking. Two days later he texts me with "How was your weekend?/Hope you're having an amazing day btw!" which...nice? but odd as no acknowledgment that we'd ever met in person. Weird!
@Blushingflwr No, you're definitely right, and that's why I don't actually respond, but I'm just in a shit-stiring/over-it mood lately and occasionally wonder what would happen if, when I get a 1st contact message reading "You are really interesting. My respect. Can we hang out?", I replied "Fucking seriously, dude? At least pretend like you want to get to know me a little, maybe?"
My old kitty is sick and I live 5000 miles away from her now (she lives with my mom). She's 18 and has pancreatitis, so I think my mom is going to go with the cheaper of two treatments, but it's a reminder that she won't be around much longer. Wish I could just give her a hug and a kiss. Pets are the worst/best :(
@Hot Doom I'm so sorry to hear that. I am sure it is hard to be away. Hugs to your kitty, your mom and you.
@Hot Doom Hugs.
@Hot Doom - I'm so sorry. Old animals are heartbreakers.
I'm having a pretty terrible week at work so tell me all about the lovely things that are happening to you guys?
I have 9 million social engagements this weekend and I really just want to say no to all of them and sit in my apartment in some fuzzy robot pants, because it's finally cold enough to wear them.
Also, is it too early to be wearing boots? I already broke into the flannel and tights, boots are the last frontier.
@A. Louise I wore ankle boots yesterday! (With tights, no less.) My town is very rainy right now, though.
Aw, I'm sorry your week's been bad. I got a new bike, so that's a very lovely thing! It's the first time I've had a brand-new bike in a looooong time, and it's so much easier to ride than my old broken bike, and I want to go everywhere on it. Zzzzzoooooom!
@frigwiggin Also, It's going to be 99 here today, so it's still too warm for me to wear boots, at least. :(
@A. Louise I want fuzzy robot pajamas!
@A. Louise I wear boots pretty much year-round, so nope - definitely not too early for boots!
@A. Louise I've been having a terrible week as well but you've reminded me it's almost cool enough for me to try out my boots with my new red skinny jeans so things are looking up!
@A. Louise Perfect time for boots! After Labor Day my city went full on fall and is all rainy and grey, and I'm loving it (for now). Just really glad I have an excuse to swaddle my whole body in cloud-soft clothing (I am a recent convert to maxi skirts) and wear a big ass scarf again. That also means that I keep subconsciously playing with said big ass scarf and occasionally end up with it wrapped entirely around my head and face, but luckily my office has no real standards of professional conduct.
@A. Louise I live in Texas where it's still 100 degrees, and I wore boots the other day. A few people gave me some weird looks but I just owned it. I love boots, and it should be fall already, and I am just pretending it's not a sauna outside while drinking my pumpkin spice lattes.
@coolallison And I hear the gyms in Texas have saunas! WTF? When all of the great outdoors is a sauna? Think cool thoughts. Sending some your way.
@Rose Camelia That's correct! And they are great! It's like being a lizard who needs/thrives on heat: but it's better than outdoors heat somehow. More intense? Concentrated? Expected? I don't know.
@A. Louise I wore ankle boots yesterday, too! I was on my way to Boston, where it's starting to get chilly. But I failed to calculate for spending most of the day in Philly and NYC, and so was wearing about 3 more layers than everyone around me.
@Laughable Walrus stories from our gchat log coming up on open thread= <3
@A. Louise I ordered a sapphire for my engagement ring! My boyfriend is going to pick the setting, eventually. It feels weird to buy my own gem, but the circumstances were right for me. The lab that makes them is stopping their sapphire production to focus on other stuff, so there were only a few left. It should come on Monday or Tuesday!
@coolallison I wear my boots year round, too, and I'm a Texas girl as well.
@adorable-eggplant For me, it's b/c I'm in the sauna in my towel, and sweating is fine b/c I'm about to take a shower. When I'm outside, dressed, I don't want to sweat all my makeup off or have frizzy hair when I have the rest of the day to work.
@RebeccaKW I like how the whole purpose is to sit there quietly or maybe gossip if I'm in the mood. No pressure to Get Things Done (tm).
@discombobulated congratulations! That sounds amazing.
@discombobulated I also bought a sapphire for my engagement ring this weekend! High five!
Can we talk about Forty Days of Dating?
@themegnapkin YES PLEASE. **SPOILER ALERT**
I guess I knew they wouldn't end up together, but I still wanted them to! I don't know why!
@fallopian princess but Tim is such a jerk!! And he's so mean to her - when they don't remember something the same way, he gets angry that she won't *admit that she's lying* !!? And he tells her she's forgetful and irresponsible *for forgetting a sweatshirt*?
And: "Unfortunately, this is not the same for him. While we’ve been having a great two days here, Tim finds moments to slip in negative remarks. He said I’d be more attractive to him if I would gain more weight and have more curves. He said that he was bothered by how accommodating I am to him and his desires. He said I should pay more attention to my grooming. He said that it’s annoying that I don’t eat enough. He said it’s disgusting that my nail polish is chipping off. While I understand objectively where these comments are coming from, it still really hurts." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So many feelings!!
@themegnapkin yes, let's. perhaps we can start with why on earth anyone was rooting for these two to end up together??? aside from the "they deserve each other" aspect, they are extremely incompatible!
@fallopian princess I used to root for them as a couple, but towards the end I was just like "RUN FREE, JESSICA, RUN FREEEEE." Tim is kind of a juicebox.
@themegnapkin oh god, THIS. "While I understand objectively where these comments are coming from" WHAAAA?!
@themegnapkin ugh, "don't be so accomodating but please pay attention to all these things that I think are wrong with you."
also, "YOU'RE NOT FAT" was one of the 40 Things I Like About You in the napkin booklet he made her at the end *shudder*
@zamboni sincere question: why were you initially rooting for them? to me they never seemed a good fit at all -- I mean, that was well-established from the beginning what with their opposite relationship problems. is it just because that's the narrative we're used to seeing play out/cheering for? the unlikely romance that defies the odds and works out?
@themegnapkin I was going to say that I definitely think Jess could do better, Tim was a goon for sure. He reminds me of one of my close guy friends who is a serial dater; he says he wants commitment, but then dismisses great women based on what I perceive to be really trivial matters.
@give cheese some pants I was rooting for them because they seemed to have fun together. I wasn't particularly fond of either of them at the start of the series, so I thought they kinda deserved each other. Oh, and perhaps my affinity for rom coms.
@fallopian princess Ugh, yes, all of his behaviors make me squirm and want to cry on Jessica's behalf. Still think it was an interesting project, though.
@give cheese some pants I'd like to think that those kinds of relationship patterns can be changed if people work at it (I mean, that was also part of the idea) and they seemed like they had enough in common and enough genuine enthusiasm for each other that they might have been able to have a happy and functional relationship. But it instead became pretty much a morass of sadness.
Essentially, unlike you, I didn't think they were irredeemably incompatible at the beginning, which would have made me react differently.
@fallopian princess Yes to the rom com conditioning. I knew they wouldn't/shouldn't end up together but I'm still sort of sad.
@zamboni When that thing got to "YOU'RE NOT FAT" I did a serious double-take here in my office.
I think in some ways the experiment was doomed to fail with how intense the parameters were--I mean, weekly couples therapy? Being required to see each other daily? A weekend trip after a month? That's way more, way faster than most "normal" couples. I'm totally unsurprised it didn't work out.
Also Tim seems like a juicebox. When she wanted to quit halfway through and he got all hurt and convinced her to keep it going, then at the end he says "I'm in love with you but we can't be together"? What is that? Argh!!
@zamboni ah okay, that makes sense. maybe I'm just being a hector projector over here (ha, MAYBE), but to me Tim never really seemed that into Jess herself (romantically, at least) but more intrigued by the idea of the project overall, which is why I saw the whole thing as doomed from the start.
ETA: It seems weirdly dishonest to leave out the fact that I found them both pretty insufferable, which certainly also colored my opinion of the whole thing!
@themegnapkin Registered only to say that, on her behalf, I've been rooting for them not to end up together. I almost feared they would! He seemed like a juicebox to me since the beginning. She deserves much better.
@give cheese some pants "to me Tim never really seemed that into Jess herself (romantically, at least)" - I agree, although at the beginning I thought he might be more open-minded to more, the way she was.
Also: "You're not fat" and "You're not girlie"!!! I strongly dislike this dude.
@give cheese some pants I found them both pretty insufferable too, to be honest. But Jess at least seemed more genuine about her feelings than Tim, so in the end I couldn't help but root for her a little.
I mean, demanding that she get a sweater, then bitching that she doesn't stand up for herself? Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!
@themegnapkin I don't understand the end! "I just can’t believe it’s over. I feel so close to her. I know now that I’m in love with her. I love her, yet I know there’s nothing else I can do." WTF TIM. He seems like a serious jerk. But she also seems pretty insecure? It would have been surprising to me if it worked.
Also I was really into reading it but it seemed like, overly self-aware? They are such archetypes/stereotypes of the woman who desperately wants a relationship and the man who can't be in a relationship. Plus they signed with a talent agency and it might turn into a movie.. ahahaaa I'd hate-watch it, I think. It's like a more messed up 500 Days of Summer!
@themegnapkin I was horrified when I read Day 38 and thought they might end up together. Was like, 'ohhhhh nooooooooo!' But--they didn't, so good! Tim is a JERK. Jessica herself doesn't seem like someone I would necessarily want to be friends with or date myself, but at least she was, you know, nice?
@themegnapkin Tim seems to me like the kind of guy who made "He's Just Not That Into You" a thing. It's not even that he's just not that into her (thought he never really seemed to be on board), it's more that he's going to date around until something clicks in his head and he has a real relationship, and then he and everyone around him are going to attribute it to his overwhelming love of this perfect lady when in fact it's that he finally got over his own shit somehow.
@give cheese some pants thank you, thank you. this almost became mild hate reading for me at some point. and then i felt bad for judgy-judging two strangers who are probably perfectly decent people, and certainly no more flawed than i am, but for some reason coming across as... basically, it devolved into a lot of "wwhhyyyy is this still going on?!" for me.
@themegnapkin That's exactly what's going to happen! I thought they would end up together simply from hanging out so much, but I changed my mind when I saw their MBTI (I'm obsessed with Myers Briggs). I then saw that Tim was wayyy too bossy for Jess, and Jess really did not like conflict. I cringed every time he got mad -- it was so uncomfortable how they detailed him yelling at her.
Anyway, I got the feeling they'd find better people soon, but were (are?) too immature at the moment. Both of them seemed bad at enjoying being single...
@themegnapkin ughhhh yes. I was rooting for them because rom com conditioning, but it became a hate read. their dynamic reminded me of some similar mistakes that I've made or watched people make, except much more extreme. so I would just read and CRINGE and wish that I could pry Jessie's eyes open.
I don't think they are necessarily shitty people (ok, maybe Tim is shitty people) but when you read something like this as an observer, it's easy to see how ridiculous they were being the whole time, while they were/are seemingly blind to how incompatible they are.
@themegnapkin Argh I am late to this party but just wanted to add: I KNEW Tim was a juicebox because he always included the receipts for their bar tabs in his posts, which is the most juicebox-y, rich-kids-of-instagram thing to do ever.
Also, I am not surprised they are turning this into a publicity stunt.
Hey, pinners! Anybody interested in doing another Hairpin CD Swap?
If you are, all you gotta do is email me at figwiggin[at]gmail (no R in my email address) with these three things:
1) name/username/mailing address
2) whether or not you can ship internationally
3) info about your musical likes/dislikes
Do that, and I'll set you up with a swap partner! Perhaps people could make mixes with autumnal, cool-weather music, such as would be pleasant to enjoy with cocoa on a misty fall evening? (Or, alternately, springy, warm-weather music for those of you on the other side of the equator?)
@frigwiggin Oooh, me! I will e-mail you.
@frigwiggin I want to say yes, but then I remember what a terrible pen pal I was (like, sooo terrible that I never even sent the first letter? Although whoever my pen pal was must've also been terrible)
@fabel I never wrote my pen pal either. But I also never got a letter. Maybe we were each other's!
@fabel @paper bag princess
Aw, you guys can do it! Give it another shot! (I know for me, personally, I have an easier time making and shipping off a mix CD versus sitting down to write a letter. Sorry, friends who I've owed letters for months...*coughDanzigcough*)
@frigwiggin Can I request a mix theme for them to make me?
@paper bag princess haha maybe! It would be like The Gift of the Magi (er, sort of? Not really? First analogy I could think of)
@frigwiggin, oh, fine. I'll email you!
@meetapossum Sure, go right ahead!
@frigwiggin You rang?
@frigwiggin Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (emailed)
@meetapossum OMG I would love it if my person requested a theme!! This was super fun last time around (although my person awesomely sent me 2 separate mixes and I still owe her a second one. It's coming, @vexosaurus!)
@PomoFrannyGlass Maybe you will get me! I gave two options, though I'm secretly hoping the person will make both. We (used to) do a mix challenge at work that was a lot of fun. We would vote on the theme for the month and then share them. We did "Economic Despair," "Songs About Death," and "Election Songs." Also, this tells you how long it was since we did a mix, ha.
@frigwiggin I want to! I'm a super lurker, but a great pen pal. Emailed
Can we talk about fibroids? Have you got them, how do they affect you, etc. I found out I have one and it's kinda bumming me out even though apparently it's not really a big deal.
Yes, let me talk to you about my fibroids. I found out about my fibroids at a routine well-woman exam. My (Planned Parenthood!) nurse practitioner was palpating my abdomen and went, "Huh," all thoughtful. She said my uterus seemed enlarged, and she wanted me to get that checked out ASAP. I managed to get an appointment for an ultrasound the same day. A few days later my NP called with the results. They couldn't tell exactly what it was, but suspected fibroids. The mass (as they called it) measured approximately the size of a 4-week pregnancy at the time.
My NP advised me to follow-up with a "real" gynecologist, as PP was unable to handle this situation with me. Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with a doctor who came highly recommended by a friend. He sent me for an MRI, the results of which were also inconclusive. He said I had two options: (1) keep an eye on it with check-ups every three months to monitor for growth (and take it out if it got bigger); or (2) schedule surgery to remove it since it was already, in his words, "quite large." I went with option 2. And it's a good thing I did, because a couple of months later when I had my surgery it had grown to the size of a 20+ week pregnancy, and none of my pants fit anymore.
My doctor was a bit surprised to hear that I really didn't have any symptoms (other than the growing belly size). Sure I had some cramps or bleeding here and there, but it didn't seem anything out of the ordinary compared to the lady problems of many of the ladies in my life.
Anyway, it's a year later and I'm doing fine. I have a picture (I asked my surgeon to snap a photo in the operating room, and he obliged) of my fibroid, and it was HUGE. I also have a c-section scar, because it was too large to remove laparoscopically. I was lucky that when they opened me up they found that the fibroid mass was outside of my uterus, not inside or in the wall of it, so they didn't have to cut into my uterus at all.
I guess my best advice to you is to try find a doctor that is really good. Mine was great, from the very first stages of talking about my options through the post-surgery follow up appointments. He literally wheeled me into the operating room, and held my hand until I was knocked out. And then he was the very first person I saw afterwards in the recovery room, smiling and telling me they got it all out, I was fine, there was no cancer (that had been a slight concern going in). Seriously, he was such a great doctor I get emotional even talking about it.
Also, if anyone is interested in seeing my fibroid picture, let me know! I've shown it to everyone who is willing to see it - so gory!
ETA: I totally freaked the fuck out when I found out about mine. Don't let anyone tell you it's not a big deal - there's a mass growing in you that doesn't belong and might cause other problems. It's okay to be upset about it. But, of course, it also depends on how big it is, how fast it's growing, and if it is causing you discomfort.
@VerityStandingStill I would love to see it? (I also love to harass people with my gross medical pictures). Need an email? lindsay dot coony @gmail. Thanks!
@garli Sent! The hand holding it is my doctor, who is very tall and has big man hands.
@VerityStandingStill I love it. I recommend everyone who likes this kind of stuff to look.
@VerityStandingStill Whaaaaat, that's a giant fibroid! Heavens! I'm glad your surgery was successful, I tried some light googling and a lot of stuff said that surgery can result in hysterectomies, etc.
I have painful, heavy periods but no other symptoms (and like you, I just assumed they were normal?) Apparently it's quite small. The doctor brushed it off, said it's common and nothing can be done about it. Buuut, she's not my primary care physician and for a number of reasons, I'm going to have a whole lotta ultrasounds over the next three months, so they are going to monitor it anyway.
Seriously, a 20+ week pregnancy? I am IMPRESSED with your fibroid growing skills! Thanks for your reply, it's nice to hear other stories and such.
@Briony Fields Yeah, I am not kidding when I say my pants didn't fit anymore. But on the plus side, I made myself buy a bunch of skirts and dresses for comfort after the surgery. I used to be a pants-only kind of gal. Now skirts and dresses are all I wear!
@VerityStandingStill Well, I'm glad your fibroid helped you expand your sartorial horizons!
@Briony Fields I have fibroids! I was on vacation in December, wearing a bikini, and thought my stomach looked a bit weird. Like I couldn't suck it in all the way (my midsection has never been my problem area, weight-wise). But I thought, "eh, I've been drinking a lot of beer and eating stuff I wouldn't normally eat, and...I'm nearly 40". Then I started having bladder issues, and then I looked pregnant. I was found to have a 10cm and a 4cm fibroid.
My first gynecologist told me my only option was an open abdominal hysterectomy. (FUCK. NO.) I got a second opinion, and of my top three options given by the new doctor, an abdominal hysterectomy wasn't one of them. I ended up getting UAE (uterine artery embolization) in April -- totally non-invasive, but not the best choice if you're trying to preserve fertility. So happy I did it.
@Briony Fields I have fibroids! I had no idea until I was getting an ultrasound for some turned-out-to-be-harmless and unrelated bleeding at 8 weeks pregnant. At their peak during my pregnancy (they usually grow during pregnancy), the larger of the two was something like 12x10x3 cm. They also may have made me look a little larger and farther along than I was, though it also could have been that I had a slightly largish baby and an anterior placenta, and that people seem to think that the average sixth-month pregnancy look is as big as it gets and that anyone any bigger is expecting twins or one of those newsworthy 14-lb babies. One fibroid was over the cervix but obligingly scooted off as my uterus grew.
The first OB I saw took one look, freaked out, and said I would have problems with both vaginal delivery AND a c-section and that both might be impossible, and I'd be at elevated risk for hysterectomy during delivery, and that was IF I actually carried to term and did not miscarry, and that there would probably be intrauterine growth restriction. She also said that the fibroid should have made me infertile and I never should have been able to get pregnant. She refused to believe that we conceived on our first try without help, or that I'd never experienced any symptoms. Most of my frantic googlings backed her up, only offset a little by a few studies or specialists' pages that said all that was bullsh!t. But none of what she predicted came to pass (and it's all outdated info anyway by about 30 years, though she's not particularly old).
My next OB made it clear that he thought she was a flaming moron. He said that the vast majority of fibroid pregnancies have no problems at all (maybe painful degeneration but that didn't happen), and fibroids rarely affect the delivery (they can cause extra hemorrhaging but that didn't happen either). Also, apparently fibroids are more common among women of Jewish and African ancestry, but some huge percentage of women overall actually have them. My baby was large and most definitely NOT premature too.
I was freaked out at my six-week postpartum checkup because I still looked vaguely pregnant and was afraid it was the fibroids and they'd ruin all my future job interviews that I haven't even gotten yet but I didn't want them removed because it might impact fertility and I want MOAR BABIEZ, but the OB laughed and said it was waaay early to worry about it, and sure enough my stomach flattened suddenly last week and now I can wear about 2/3 of my pre-pregnancy pants.
But yeah--they made my pregnancy way too interesting. It wasn't even the fibroids themselves, but what the internet and incompetent medical professionals would say about them. I guess they're probably shrinking now, but it'll be another few months before my appointment with a specialist.
Hi Hairpin! I miss you. I'm on vacation in Colorado, currently wasting time on the internet while my friend is at work. I got to meet Danzig! the other day. He's going to be in NYC from the 8th to the 12th if any NYC Pinners are interested in a mini Pinup?
@meetapossum I would do a mini-pinup! I didn't make it to the last one.
@meetapossum I just ate a peach from Colorado and it was amazing in all its peachy glory. Well done, CO.
Guys I have BEAUTY QUESTIONS if any of you are wise made-up ladies.
1. Does it make a difference if I wash my face with warm or cold water? I like how cold water feels but my 18-year-old brother tells me you can't clean your pores that way? (!!)
2. Are there any eyeliners that stay put that aren't $30? I'm ready to make the jump from the like $6 drugstore one I have but sephoras are so priceyyyy. And I am poor.
3.is BB cream just tinted moisturizer with spf or is there another, magical ingredient that makes it BB cream??
INQUIRING MINDS MUST KNOW
@supernovice Warm water opens your pores or some shit? I'm lost on the other two, though :(
@supernovice 1. Most of what I've read says to use warm (not hot) water. So that's what I use, but my skin is not great, so maybe just keep on trucking with your cold water if you like how yours looks!
2. I use the Stila Smudge Stick on Eyeliner Days (i.e. I have a meeting with someone who needs to think I'm older than I am). It's $20, but I got mine free with some eyeshadow one time. I think it's worth the investment (I'm also not coordinated enough for liquid eyeliner). But also, do you use an eye primer? Because that helps a lot with keeping all price points of eye makeup where it's supposed to be. The Sephora Collection one is pretty cheap and it lasts over a year.
3. I don't think BB cream is magical, but I use it anyway because I like the extra coverage over a regular tinted moisturizer, and I do think it helps my skin over time (although that could just be the placebo effect or its cosmetic equivalent). I now actually like the similarly priced CC creams better because they feel a little easier to blend into my skin. I think it's true (as below!) that you have to shell out for the expensive ones or they're pretty much just moisturizer. I like the Smashbox one best.
@Supernovice Warm water opens your pores and cold water closes them, so use warm for befor/during cleaning and cold for after, if you like the feeling.
Also, BB creams are supposed to help with other things (like, they cover more and they should help better your skin long-term) not just moisturizer, but most cheap ones feel exactly like tinted m. Apparently you have to pay a lot to see what everyone is talking about. I have the Revlon one and it is glorified tinted moisturizer, nothing else.
1) I know warm water is supposed to help open your pores, which would hypothetically get them cleaner? That being said, as a decade long dermatologist patient (not that that means much) my doc has never specified a specific temperature of water, just to be patting my face dry as opposed to rubbing it. (I always rub it. I'm a terrible patient.)
If you like the cold but are worried about getting a deep clean, I'd try a swipe of astringent after you wash - it's extra cold and tingly, too. Just watch for drying out your face too much!
2) THIS EYELINER is my favorite thing ever. I bought it for college graduation, knowing I'd be a bit teary, and have never looked back. It's kind of an odd texture when it dries, it's almost like a rubbery finish, but comes off if you gently rub or with makeup remover. But it's really easy to apply, lasts until you actively take it off and has a nice, even color and can be applied in layers, which sometimes is tough with eyeliner. So great. Usually it's $8-9 at Ulta or Target. I think it comes in brown, too?
3.) Not 100 percent sure if it is or not, but I really like my BB cream and it's texture? I think it depends what kind you get, but I think it stands for "Beauty Balm" - it's less of a cakey primer and more like a tinted moisturizer, so it's good for a base for your foundation if you're going all out on the makeup front, or a lighter, breathable day wear. I like Clinique's, but it could just be that they make a shade that's pale enough to actually suit my normal face color and not be insta-bronzer.
@supernovice @Mariajoseh Maybe you should try the Korean BB creams--they're roughly as expensive as the drugstore ones, and they're much better than even the high-end american ones I've tried. I got this sample set and discovered that the pink one is the best for my (very light olive) skin. I highly recommend that anyone who wants to try BB creams do the same.
1) I like cold water in the morning and warmish in the evening - the cold wakes me up, otherwise I'm a zombie.
2) Try Milani Liquid Pencil Eyeliner. It's like... $5 and STAYS PUT ALL DAY even on my oily eyelids. It takes a bit to dry, but you can smudge it or keep it in a sharp line and it looks like liquid liner (which I am terrible at). Since I'm kind of oily, I use a sample of a Laura Mercier primer that I've had forever, and then set it with a tiny tiny bit of powder.
3) I also like my BB cream! I used tinted moisturizer for a long time, and the BB cream is like a halfway place between that and full on foundation, and feels nicer going on. I use Dr. Jart Water Fuse, which is medium pricey ($30ish) but a tube lasts me about 6 months.
@A. Louise ooh I like clinique (I have their green-tinted moisturizer thing to make my sometimes reddish complexion more... Green?).
And 8-9 dolla eyeliner recommendation, greattt. I'm in Canada so I'll see if it exists here.
@bocadelperro I bought some amazing make-up for basically no money when I was in Asia last year. I wish now that I'd picked up on the BB cream thing! It was just taking off here.
@supernovice 1. Warm water is supposed to open your pores and cold water closes them?
2. I just buy too many lipsticks at Sephora and get free samples of nice mascara. Worth it! I find that if I wear mascara + contacts everyday my eyes get irritated, so I have gotten used to not wearing it.
3. BB creams seem to 'wear off' after a few hours? Maybe I just touch my face too much.
@supernovice My go-to for preventing eyeliner smudge is primer. I currently use this Nars one: http://www.narscosmetics.com/complexion/primers/~/smudge-proof-eyeshadow-base and I hear good things about the Urban Decay version. It stops even my cheap eyeliner (read: that's all my eyeliner) from smudging.
@bocadelperro yeah, i've read about them, but I live in Mexico and we don't have Amazon yet, so it would be too much of a hassle for makeup.
@supernovice 2) Eyeko is my favorite liquid liner.
@supernovice Can I jump on this?
Guys, I've never done anything with my eyebrows. I'm halfie, so I definitely have the bushy but not total Kahlo thing going on. Anyway, in an effort to grow out of a pumpkin and into a professional (or something) I've been thinking about doing something to them? Shaping? Threading? Plucking? Any tips? I just don't know if its appropros to show up at a threading place and be like, uh, go. Tips??
2) Even though I've spent all summer not giving a fig (including going to the public pool) I wanna go back to a trimmed up bikini area, but am not into shaving right now (nasty ingrown experience, booo / no patience). Is Nair going to scald off my ladybits skin? THANKS.
@supernovice Decades of skin trouble, here. Dozens of dermatologists. Lots of personal research. Washing your face is possible only for the surface, no matter what you do with temperature. Yes, warmth opens pores, but that's a visibility issue, only, and a slight one at that. Getting pores clear is the work of chemistry. You want a BHA for that, BUT it has to be in the proper pH range (between 3 and 4, I think - look it up, though) to be effective. And what marketing department actually labels pH levels? No one I know of. (Know of any? Tell me!) I check http://www.paulaschoice.com/beautypedia/ for pH on products. Bottom line on wash temp: as long as you don't irritate your skin you can use the temp that feels good that day.
@supernovice My favorite "stay put" eyeliner is Maybelline's gel liner. It is maybe $7-$10. It is sweatproof, waterproof, almost-anything proof. (I have taken showers with on without a smudge.) Comes off easily with lotion or makeup remover.
@PennyCentury please do!
I would also like to know what to do with my eyebrows. Mine are very light so i've kind of just never bothered but I feel like maybe i should?
And Nair isn't too scald-y for my sensitive skin, as long as I'm very cognizant about how long I leave it on. Shaving irritates my skin way more.
@PennyCentury Go to a professional, they'll be much easier to maintain if someone else shapes them first. Don't be afraid to take pictures like you would for a haircut because everyone's vision of natural/arched/etc isn't the same.
The sensitive skin/bikini line nair works for me without burning but I still get ingrowns. Less than shaving but it's not ideal.
BB cream gives more coverage, IMO. A beauty addict I know says it's "better for your skin" but she never told me why exactly, so I think maybe it's sort of like an old wives' tale, like how my grandmother tells me not to drink anything cold but never tells me why.
Eyeliner: Is Urban Decay still having an online sale? My order just came in, so I haven't tried it yet but I paid like $6 for an eyeliner. I also bought a liquid liner from e.l.f for like $3? However, I am terrible at applying stuff, so I can't tell you if it's really good or not.
@SmartCookie thanks! My cheap attitude just says tweeze, but I have no idea what I'm doing. And yeah, @supernovice, I just feel like maybe I "should"? Like, its holding me back from being taken seriously? Oh god. Beauty. But thank you for the depilatory advice. The internet was the worst.
@supernovice I love the Eyeko eyeliners! I got mine from a Birchbox but I think they're like $18 normally.
@supernovice I use the Smashbox BB cream and I love it. I feel like you can kind of get a little or a lot of coverage depending on how much you slather on. Anyway, I feel like it looks really natural and doesn't get greasy the way foundation does.
I need more coverage than a tinted moisturizer can provide.
I also use a primer (Monistat chafing gel = same ingredients as Smashbox primer!)
If I were you, I'd go to Sephora, or wherever and tell them you want to try out a BB cream and they'll either put it on your face or give you samples or both.
@PennyCentury Haha yes exactly. Like I'll only be a REAL WOMAN if I start maintaining my eyebrows.
@Mariajoseh Ooof. Well, for what it's worth, I also like the Clinique one but it's about twice as expensive as the Skin 79 one.
@PennyCentury I use a mustache trimmer for downstairs depilation. It leaves a tiiiiny millimeter of hair behind, but that means it never interacts with your skin, so there's no chance or irritation or ingrowns. It's not completely smooth and clean, but I kept delaying shaving for weeks because I was afraid of the consequences, so the millimeter of hair is a better outcome than just never grooming for me!
@Homestar Runner This seems genius! Also YEAH what is it with the delay? (Oh right its because shaving is an enormous pain) I get super stoked to keep my undercut in shape but bikini area? Hell no.
Ugh, this week. This month! I miss you all so much. I am too busy and important at work and it is severely cutting into my internetting. A part of me died when I realized I missed 100 Years of Anny of Green Gables.
Related, level 265 might be the end of my love affair with Candy Crush.
@lobsterhug What!? Level 265? I have been stuck on level 65 for literally 2.5 months. I will never succeed.
@honey cowl I only finally passed level 65 because I bought one of those lollipop hammers. I had been stuck for over a month and had gotten to the "one jelly left" point so many times that I just decided to fork over the dough.
@honey cowl Dude. I am Sisyphus, and Level 65 is my boulder.
@MrsTeacherFace This is disheartening. I had hoped to avoid this stage.
@honey cowl glad I'm not alone in the level 65 valley of doom.
I'm heading to a job interview in Irvine, California next week! I feel like my chances are pretty good, but I'm trying not to get too excited about both having a job and moving somewhere warm from Toronto. I actually don't mind the winters here much, but it would be nice to be able to just up and go for a day-long bike ride whenever I feel like it without obsessively checking the weather.
So, people who live there or have lived there, what's it like?
@thiscallsforsoap Good luck!!!
@thiscallsforsoap Irvine's a really nice town, but it is and is completely surrounded by suburbs. I have friends in the area who bike a lot, and it's gorgeous, but you're definitely going to need a car to get around. It's also pretty wealthy (lots of fancy cars with USC bumper stickers), so depending on your salary you might end up living in a different Orange County suburb.
All of the stereotypes about LA traffic apply to Orange County - Irvine is near the 5 and 405 interstates and getting around can sometimes be headache inducing. You'll be pretty far from Los Angeles, if you want to be near a big city, to be honest. I still love the area, though.
@thiscallsforsoap Irvine is very Orange County. I think Mike Dang is from there? Or at least he went to UCI. It's very suburb-ey. Lots of gated communities with quaint engineered shopping plazas filled with higher end chains.
They filmed part of Planet of the Apes on the UC Irvine campus. If that helps. It's a pleasant livable place that is great for raising a family (as they always tell you), but the whole town was urban-planned and built from scratch in the 1970s and it is very suburban. You can't walk anywhere -- the sidewalks keep disappearing into gutters edging multi-lane highways. Nice Persian grocery stores, though.
@thiscallsforsoap Irvine is perfectly nice and safe but definitely a bit blah. Luckily it is super close to Santa Ana (great downtown area) and Orange (great everything). Worth checking out if things go well and you're looking to move. Good luck!
@thiscallsforsoap I lived there while I was in school, though mostly in on-campus housing. And that was 7 years ago at this point, so things in Irvine may be more hip now as the University grows in size and moves up in rankings.
Irvine is the definition of suburbia: clean, safe, master-planned, beige, beige, beige. Surrounding cities like Costa Mesa, Orange, Laguna Beach, Santa Ana, heck even Newport, have a lot more to offer. Irvine is a great city for biking however, and there are many city and nature bike trails. There are also a lot of nearby hiking trails and of course, beaches.
Let me know if you'd like more info!
Thanks for the replies everyone! I'm single and not particularly suburban by inclination, so maybe living in Irvine itself might not be for me, but it's good to know there are different types of towns around. I'll be there almost all week so I should have time to check it out fairly well. Oh, and the job I'm interviewing for is at UCI so maybe the campus area might be a bit different? Anyway, I'll post up my impressions on the next FOT if anyone cares to check them out!
@thiscallsforsoap Nah, campus area is the same. :)
Good luck with your interview!
So I managed to pull some obscure tendon in my foot falling down the stairs and now have to wear an aircast boot! My brand new PCP (super hot, btw! Can't wait till we start talking thyroid issues) didn't really say how long I should wear it, but I have a consult with a podiatrist in three weeks. Anyone have any rad boot stories? Taking the bus has already been interesting.
@snowlate heheh my best friend, at age 20, out at da clubbb in a mini-skirt and sparkles and hair did and everything with a robo-boot because of a broken foot. DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF
@snowlate I went climbing in my boot. (It should be noted that I was 15 and dumb at the time.) I did two summers in a row in a boot (again, 15/16 and DUMB, two stress fractures in a row because I didn;t know when to STOP RUNNING ALREADY). Two sweaty, sweaty summers.
@snowlate the summer I wore a boot all my coworkers started calling me Frankenstein. But I got one of those rad knee-scooters to keep up.
@snowlate Yeah, I have a great story about an airboot. I sprained my ankle, got put in an airboot for six weeks, got out of it, still couldn't walk right, went to physical therapy, got more MRIs, changed doctors, got a cortisone shot, tried ice baths twice a day for a month, tried NSAIDs for a month, got a new MRI, did more physical therapy, got a new doctor, got a new corisone shot, got a NEW doctor, and finally maybe got a real diagnosis from my fourth consult and now need surgery, a YEAR after my ankle "sprain." Um. (So, what tendon did you tear?)
SECRET WALL DRAWER
still maintaining on my vitamin D regimen! still (relatively) sane(r)!!! I've even started my fall semester and haven't flipped out on anyone yet!
Ran into a little snag with balancing my Magnesium, which apparently gets used/depleted with D supplementation. Started to feel foggy, dizzy, stoned? That's a hard one to supplement, since oral supplements make most people's guts turn to water. But eating magnesium rich foods (HELLO DARK CHOCOLATE, MEET MY MOUTH) seems to have done the ticket.
Anyone else working out some nutritional stuff?
@noodge Oooh, my doctor told me I needed to start taking a Vitamin D supplement, though I haven't yet... but if it means I'll have to up my dark chocolate intake, perhaps I should get on this.
@noodge I know a woman who just had a stroke and the only risk factor in question is potentially excessive vitamin D intake. Her blood tests are not yet complete. I trust you to use moderation. Wishing you good health!
We got a cat! Her name is Edith and she is named after Edith Wharton not Edith Zimmerman. And she's the best cat there ever was on the planet.
@honey cowl Congratulations! Edith is a great cat name. (And person name.)
@honey cowl Except for space cats, right? ;)
Congratulations on your new kitty!
@honey cowl a cat!!!!
Hey guys! I rarely post but I'm always lurking dirty (tryna catch me lurking dirty)
Anyway I wanted to ask about body image... I don't come from the same country as most of you and so its not (no offense) as big of a thing to be skinny here. But I have this weird thing where I am so happy with my body usually. I'm fine when I gain weight and fine when I lose weight, and I barely notice the difference (I mostly rely on my clothes to tell me). But in the last two years I have gained weight and suddenly everyone needs to tell me that I'm so big (with gestures!) (in a culture where this is not socially unacceptable). And only AFTER I get these comments do I feel super shitty about myself and my body. And then it takes a while to recalibrate myself and of course once I do, I run into someone who hasn't seen me in a year or so and is all... wow you're big now! And I'm back where I was fighting so hard to get out of. And I don't know what to do? I can't just tell them to stfu because this is totally socially acceptable here (and even in professional situations)... So its on me to get over this. This was just a long rambling comment but thoughts/comments on any workable solutions are super welcome! Thanks!
@dru I dont' think there's anything wrong with saying to someone "Wow, what you just said makes me pretty uncomfortable. It's generally rude to discuss someone's [weight, skin tone, grey hairs, acne] so can we talk about something else?" That may be a bit bold for some people but honestly, THEY'RE COMMENTING ON YOUR WEIGHT COME ON!!! if they dont' like someone saying something like that to them they should watch what they say!
@dru I think if you can't tell them to stfu you can at least give them a snarky response: "Yes, and?" "I hadn't noticed." "Huh." That feeling afterwords sucks and I have no useful advice other than to be kind to yourself.
@dru I had an eating disorder for a bunch of years that I finally kicked in 2009. Recently, I went through a really nasty breakup and subsisted on nothing but whiskey and the accompanying maraschino cherries for...oh, about five days. Then I ran into an old friend (we're in the US) who said "oh, wow! You look great! You look skinny!" My point is: never forget that no one really knows what is going on in your head and with your body, and their opinions are just opinions and don't matter. Oh, you think I look great when recently heartbroken and spiraling into disordered eating habits? Super. That opinion is insane, and doesn't matter at all. They think you look big? Fuck 'em. (And I am totes okay on the food front now, in case you are wondering.)
@noodge hey thanks so much for your response! I really appreciate it. The thing is that I've tried this once and it worked. But I felt the only reason I was able to get away with it is that it was someone my organisation was paying for business and so basically I was in a "powerful" position. If it was one of my bosses, or when it was one of my colleagues, or when it's an old family friend or slight acquaintance who I've only met met a couple of times, I'd be the rude one for saying that! It's messed up but I'm not going to change the cultural norms by myself... I guess what I'm looking for is how can I get myself to look past this *internally* if that makes sense?
@Roxanne Rholes hey! first of all, I am so glad you are doing good with your food issues now :). and you're right, NO ONE but you knows what's going on with you and it would be SO good if no one would comment unsolicited on your body, but if they somehow CAN'T help themselves then you're right - fuck 'em!!
@SmartCookie haha totally gonna try this next time!
I hear ya, and I think I've only been able to do this sort of thing relatively recently. For me, I had to realize that in every relationship, each individual MUST be the broker of their boundaries, and in this role it's important to believe that you are at least equally in a "position of power" as the other individual. You've already convinced yourself of this once, in a professional environment. For lots of people that is a very challenging place to feel powerful, so you've got the chutzpah to do this!!! The positive effects of shifting your perception in your interpersonal relationships and having more comfortable boundaries will be huge, HUGE.
@dru I don't know if this would work for you, but as some one who's never been skinny, but always been athletic I generally always feel great about what my body can do more than how it looks. The only time it didn't work for me was recovering from a nasty injury when all I could do was sit around on the couch and not raise my heart rate, but that shouldn't come up very often in your life.
@noodge haha not to sound cheesy but *epiphany*! you are right, I can totally do this :)
@garli I haven't even been athletic at all but I recently started running and you're right, it really shifts your perspective of your body (even as someone who was generally happy with myself)!
Thanks so much the both of you :)
CHICAGO: Let's go to a cat show!
Remember back in March when we were talking about cat shows?
There is one coming up for the weekend of October 12 & 13! Who wants to go? Which day suits better?
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I think I agreed to this under the influence of bourbon and fried things, but it is penciled* in my calendar now. BOOM.
*with a Hello Kitty pencil, no less.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll You should definitely go! Back when I made jewelry, I had a stand at a cat show for a weekend. Not all of the breeders let you pet the cats, but sometimes you can sneak in a little pet when they're not looking at the cat.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll FUCK I can't go I will be away but also you should know that this is the same weekend as the huge Hyde Park book sale.
@simone eastbro Done and done. [I even have books to donate to the latter, thanks to Edith's The Gloss post about purging your house.]
Aaah, too bad! :(
FYI, I was thinking of Saturday afternoon. C. and I can probably give some people a ride!
Also, if anyone is coming to the Hideout Block Party, drop me a line: rockandrollkendoll at gmail!
@simone eastbro Wait, what book sale? The Sem's member sale? The library book sale? Or is there something new?
@wallsdonotfall I believe @simone eastbro is referring to the magical, annual, used book sale at whatever the name is of Treasure Island plaza.
One year I found a lot of beautiful postwar travel guides. Last year I scored amazing vintage cookbooks including "Teen Cuisine" (1969), with groovy Peter Max illustrations.
The stuff that comes out of Hyde Park attics is amazing.
So I posted in a previous Open Thread about how my boyfriend's clutter is driving me crazy, and he agreed to relinquish one of the spare bedrooms so I could have a space of my own to make neat and fonduey. Only I wasn't sure if it was going to happen.
Well, the other night he finished clearing all his stuff out, with the exception of one small china-type cabinet that and will be switched with something downstairs once both pieces are empty. I HAVE MY OWN ROOM! I've got a big bookshelf, a small lady-recliner (as opposed to the bulky La-Z-Boy style), and three large bump-out windows, so it will be a kickass place for reading.
I've got some boxes to go through, but I know there's a lot that I can throw away. I may use the room for storage to some extent, but I think I may be able to eliminate all the boxes and just keep stuff in the furniture. (No closet, unfortunately).
I can't wait to work on it this weekend!
@fondue with cheddar That sounds dreamy. We can't afford much space in my city but I have fantasies of having my own "office."
@fondue with cheddar Ahhh that sounds so wonderful! I have the same exact issue with my boyfriend and I'm honestly terrified to move in with him for that very reason. Glad you were able to figure out a solution.
@fondue with cheddar that sounds so nice! Those bump out windows sound amazing.
I'd love to have a room like that, and for now I have part of a closet as my crafting area, and I took paper boxes and covered them in contact paper I got on clearance at TJ maxx - it helps snazz up the stack of boxes a little bit. That might work for cute storage? You could also hang a curtain across one wall and hide the extra stuff behind there as a kind of closet. Fun!
@fondue with cheddar Yay! Enjoy your new room!
@fondue with cheddar Yay small recliners! I'm just curious what you are classifying as a lady recliner? We have this one in our house, and its really nice because its not over stuffed ugly but its still a recliner which is nice.
@fondue with cheddar I love that you have a space to cozy up for reading. (Especially near a window, jealous!)
@fondue with cheddar My husband and I recently decided to give up the never-used guest room, and now we each have our own office in the house. It's excessive and so "DINK"-y, but I love it. I can go in there and do whatever I want on the computer and watch whatever I want on the tv or nap on the floor... I can't believe I wasted all those years on a guest room.
@panther I'm sorry your boyfriend is the same way. One thing that worries me is that I don't know how much longer we'll be living here, and if we move to a smaller place I'll lose this room, which might be harder than never having it in the first place.
@A. Louise I like your contact paper idea. In my last place I did the curtain thing, which worked great. This room is small though, so I should come up with a different solution if I can't eliminate the boxes.
@Biketastrophy Ooh, that looks really nice, and comfy, too! No, this one is old. I had a picture of it on my phone (my mom just gave it to me when she moved) but I just deleted it. It's more like a reclining version of this, only it's not that cool of a color. Basically what I mean by lady-recliner is that it's small and actually fits me. The big ones swallow me up and my knees are never in the right place.
@fondue with cheddar Hooray for having your own space!! Awesome!
@fondue with cheddar Oh yeah I've sat in one of those, its very similar to that Ikea one in size.
@fondue with cheddar
If you guys do move in the future, you can do the reverse and have the rest of the apartment be clean and nice except for one room which is your boyfriend's and which he can clutter up to high heaven. I'm the clutterer in my relationship, and that's what we do -- I have a study which is a safety valve for my clutter needs (because I really don't feel at home if I can't just drop things onto the couch when I come home occasionally, and I like to remember to pursue things by leaving them out where they are visible sometimes). But the rest of the apartment in uncluttered, neat, has empty spaces to rest the eye, and we keep it that way for my husband's sake. It might be a lot easier to implement after a move, too, because you don't have to alter a status quo -- you just insist on starting out that way in the new space.
@harebell That's what I had when I was with my ex husband! He had the basement as his "man-cave," and while I sort of resented him for having his own space when I didn't have mine, I didn't want to hang out in the (dirty, unfinished) basement either.
I have to leave things visible if I need to act on them, too! I've always used the bedroom as the general place of clutter because it's the one room guests don't see and I spend the least amount of time in it. They say that's not really good for sleeping, though.
and is anyone else having problems with the site not sending them notifications when someone has replied to their comment?
@noodge I think folks have been having trouble with that for a couple weeks now--last week Jia (I think) said that they were working on trying to get it fixed!
@frigwiggin thanks! i must have missed that post.
@noodge Yes, that's been going on for a few weeks now.
I'm going to San Francisco really soon! Does anyone have any suggestions for things to do? We'll be staying in the Mission without a car.
@supernintendochalmers It was so foggy and drizzly when I went, but I was still super glad I went to the Land's End trail. I can only imagine how cool it would be if you could say, see the Golden Gate Bridge.
@supernintendochalmers DO I EVER. For starters, eat everything. And go to Bi-Rite Creamery, since you'll be in that 'hood anyway. If you want to front like a local, get some snacks and a can or two of beer and spend some time people watching in Delores Park, if the weather's nice.
@districter Land's End is beautiful, in any weather! Especially fog, which is good, because it's nearly always foggy out there. Plus, at the trail's end (or, uh, beginning, depending on where you start) there's the Legion of Honor which is a small, though nice, museum. And if you're in that part of town anyway, it's worth it to stop at the Cliff House for a cocktail (if only for the view).
@supernintendochalmers It's going to be clear that I know nothing about San Fransisco, so take this with a grain of salt, buuuut: I went to Mission Chinese while in New York and it was quite affordable and reasonably tasty, and they have a branch (outlet?) in San Fransisco, which I assume is in the Mission, soooo I'd recommend that.
Also, all the San Fransiscans I know (~2) talk about ice cream a lot, so I think that's a thing.
@adorable-eggplant Ha, I live in New York and I actually wondered about Mission Chinese myself!
@supernintendochalmers It was good! But not great (I'm a curmudgeon tho). There was a lot of schmaltz stuff, but it definitely need more heat [spiciness, not warmth] in my opinion.
ETA: the drinks were tasty.
@supernintendochalmers I just got back from San Francisco! I only spent one morning in the Mission but I absolutely second/third/fourth the Bi-Rite Creamery rec. Totally worth the long line. The Women's Building murals were jaw-dropping (also Clarion Alley - didn't make it down to Balmy).
Also: walking through Crissy Field to the Golden Gate Bridge; Macondray Lane, if you're in the area; City Lights bookstore; Ferry Building for the farmer's market on Saturday (lots of samples!); Tropisueño has great Mexican food and drinks. And the bus system was really easy to use once I got the hang of it, fwiw.
@supernintendochalmers I can confirm that Mission Chinese (and it's in the Mission/on Mission St.) is fantastic! But there is so damn much good food here that if you don't feel like waiting (it can be a looooong wait when you're hungry) just skip it and try something else. Mission Cheese is great (if you eat cheese). Locanda is tasty AND they do these awesome cocktail flights, like a flight of negronis or old fashioneds. There's a tapas place on 16th near Valencia that is great and cheapish. And and oh man there is just so much! What kind of things/food are you into? Maybe I can make some more specific recs.
@Jinxie Ooh, that all sounds great! I'm really excited about the Mexican food, so if you have any recs there, that'd be great. Also maybe sushi?
Is this a good place to talk about how yesterday's story about pulling out just made me miss sex and the last person with whom I had it? What about how it made me a little horny and a lot... what's the right word?... biodetermined? I don't think i'm immature about sex (I'm in my 30's), but as I've hit my peak babymaking years, I've been having a hard time separating the concepts of pleasure and reproduction, even just in conversation. Is it strange to not be able to discuss these things in a levelheaded way, even if I am the very definition of pregnancy ambivalence, i.e. not really seeking one out (and shouldn't be for various personal and financial reasons).
@ColdFinger same same same same same
(i wish i had anything more than that to add)
@bananalise oh! i missed this. hugs to you. i have no answers, unfortunately. i guess don't call that ex anyway? (i am bad at taking my own advice :(
I ended up having to take my dog in over the holiday weekend to be put to sleep. It was very difficult, but it was quite clear that it was time and I am happy that our vet was available and I didn't have to take her to an emergency hospital. We spent a lovely final morning as a family and then I took her in (my husband was too distraught). I was with her at the very end and I will never forget it - it was so fast, but felt like a million years and I am struggling with the guilt as I worry her last moments were spent in fear because she so despised the vet's office. I am moving through that and am trying to focus on what a wonderful life she had. Everyone always says when a dog dies, "You gave her such a great life,", but really, she gave me so much more than I could ever have given her. I miss my best friend.
@cabber I'm so sorry. I have been there and it's heartbreaking. Sarah Silverman lost her dog this week, too, and the obituary she wrote is beautiful: http://www.whosay.com/status/sarahsilverman/720768
@cabber I am so sorry for your loss. It is admirable that you had the strength to make the decision, and I am sure as much as she hated the vet's office that she was glad that you were there with her.
@cabber Oh I am so, so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you were able to have a good final morning together as a family though, and that you have many happy memories of life shared with your best buddy. Sending lots of warm internet hugs your way.
@cabber She was lucky to have you as her person, and it sounds like you were really lucky to have her, too. Sending hugs your way.
@cabber I had to do this too, with the family dog, when I was in high school. My mom and I went together. The way I try to think of it is not that she spent her last moments in the vet's office (in our case in the hospital) but that she was curled up with you and that to her was probably pretty great.
(Whoops off to cry now)
I accidentally applied to a very scary job yesterday. I uploaded everything and meant to *save* it for a day but instead I *submit*ted it. Oopsie. But it was done and it's fine but I feel very shy that I applied because it's way a big deal.
@milominderbender What's the job?
Also, your user pic is extremely appropriate here.
@fondue with cheddar It's an assistant dean position at my law school alma mater. I'm not conventionally qualified in that I've never done this exact job before but I have done all the things that the job requires and I think I made my case well. But then I also sent all my materials to professors that I know and inviting them to get coffee cause I think that's how you're supposed to do this stuff. Eek!
@milominderbender Wow, good luck! Knowing people is a plus, that's for sure.
@milominderbender Good luck! That is a really exciting prospect.
So I was in my chiropractor's office yesterday listening to the piped-in music, and they played this song by John Mayer about daughters. I don't know if it's new or not but I hadn't heard it before, and it's just terrible. I mean, the basic idea of being good to your daughters is all well and good, but his reasons for doing so are so sexist and gross. (lyrics)
@fondue with cheddar It is not new and it is one of the many reasons why I hate John Mayer.
@Jenn@twitter I wasn't familiar enough with him to hate him before, but I am (and do) now. Ew.
@fondue with cheddar MY PEOPLE
@fondue with cheddar they switched the lobby music in my workplace and now it's either the "John Mayer" radio station or the "Dave Matthews Band" radio station and my earbuds are going to explode.
(Apologies to those that like this kind of music, but hearing Your Body is a Wonderland and Crash into Me no less than 5 times a day is enough to drive the sanest of bros crazy in my book.)
@fondue with cheddar He's now living in Montana, and his newest album cover is set here. I know he's trying to look like a cowboy, but he looks more like a homeless wizard. I hate him so so much.
@fondue with cheddar Oh my God, that's really bad. I can't stand John Mayer. His lyrics are just horrible (not even from a sexist standpoint, just poor writing). People always talk about what a talented musician he is but really?! How can he be such a talented musician when his songs suck?
@supernintendochalmers @all My sister loves John Mayer like more than she loves a lot of other things that exist on earth. I think it's because she firmly believes that his songs do not suck, but they do, right?
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose "homeless wizard" is probably the only thing all day that has made me laugh
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) They do suck. Really, really painfully obnoxious.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I firmly believe that Jack White > John Mayer (by, like, a ton), but I still have to say that when I saw Jack White in my local Trader Joe's, the idea of "whoa, what crazy wizard is that" came to mind, and well before I realized who he was. (Also, Jack White is much, much taller than I would have thought.)
Thank you all for your WONDERFUL advice last week (I am the stereotypical crazy ex-girlfriend!) - It helped so much I can't even tell you. You are wise, generous, kind people!
As of 2:36 today, I have officially not talked to my ex for an entire week! IT HAS TO GET EASIER RIGHT yay omg so hard #killme
@bessmarvin Woo hoo! That is SO great! Just think, if you could make it a whole week, you can make it another day. Then another. Then another. Trust me - it is still so hard I am sure, but it WILL begin to feel better soon.
@bessmarvin Yay! It gets easier! You're doing great! Exclamation points!
@bessmarvin Yayyayyay! You are doing great!
@bessmarvin At 30 days, you get a present from yourself: cake, shoes, new book, day trip to a nice park. Pick something, write it down, anticipate enjoying it and never speak to that ex again! :)
@bessmarvin I think I got this idea from a Captain Awkward post from back in the day: get yourself a calendar (like, an actual paper one) and a pack of gold star stickers, and put a star on each day you don't contact Ex. (Then at the end, give yourself a treat, like eggplant said.) It sounds super cheesy but there is something really nice and comforting and cheering about seeing the gold stars.
You are doing great and you are going to continue to do great! I promise it will get easier and you are kicking ass right now as is.
@bessmarvin I didn't comment on your post but I remember it -- just wanted to say it must be hard and you are awesome!
@Jinxie Girl, NO! You got that idea from the HAIRPIN! Shooooooooot.
@bessmarvin YES now keep at it. :)
This was a crazy week of composed of an interview, a rejection from a professional fellowship I wanted, unnecessary ponderings of past failures, and efforts to line up other job opportunities. The interview I had this morning went reasonably well, considering that while I'm open to the job, I'm not particularly crazy about the position. They have at least four other candidate to interview, so it's not as though I feel like I'm stringing them along,a nd I am interested in leaving my current position. I applied not expecting a call back, so.. yeah. Later on today I got feedback regarding my unsuccessful fellowship application, and now I'm still feeling a strange, anxious mix of emotions.
Also, it seems that as I've gotten older, I'm moving away from using alcoholic drinks as a way of dealing with emotionally draining situations, but I suspect it's for all the wrong reasons, e.g. fear of gaining weight.
So I'm winning today? But hey, there is a delightful fall feeling to the air in the mid-Atlantic US!
@RK Fire good luck with the jobs!
@iceberg Thanks! As you know, I keep on oscillating between hope and overly dramatic self-deprecation, so the support is much appreciated. :)
@RK Fire Good luck with the jobs! Also, it seems like everyone's having a crazy week this week.
I think I'm moving in the exact opposite direction you are moving in with regards to alcohol and emotions. As I get older, I find that my solution for FEELS is uh, g&ts. Whoops.
@celeec4@twitter I really want to be/am a Body Positive Feminist, so I feel really guilty for admitting that I don't want to drink my feelings partly because of the stupid fucking calories.
That being said, a gin & tonic sounds really fucking good. I was thinking mostly of beer at the time, and how it makes me feel sleepy and bloated but gin and tonics don't do that at all! More g&ts in the future.
We missed you Edith!
Hey Guys! For anyone else who wants to play NFL Pick Em! (all you do is pick winners each week, even if you don't know much football, it's still a good time!)
The Password is Pinners1
I know if you sign up now you missed last night's game, but then again, some of us who may or may not have actually created this league may have forgotten to pick last's night's game (/points at self) so hey, it's only one game!
I just found out I'm going to have to testify in a (family) court hearing for one of my patients/clients. Is this as terrifying as it sounds???
Also got encouraging feedback from two professors I emailed about PhD application stuff, so yay!
@ellochka It's scary but all you have to do is tell the truth and be careful to answer the questions that are asked. It's not your job to get things "right," just be honest. Ask the lawyer if you feel like you want them to do a practice run, that's part of preparing a witness and s/he should be willing to do it.
@ellochka Congrats on the PhD stuff!
I testify pretty frequently for my job (child welfare-related) and I still get nervous, but it's not terrifying. Be prepared. Facts are friendly and only answer the question that is asked. Attorneys will ask follow-up questions as necessary, so let them take the lead. Good luck! Remember - you know your role with your patient/client better than anyone, so remain confident in that!
@both Thanks, guys. I'm mainly concerned with looking/sounding like a child on the stand and the possibility of crossing the line into violating my patient's confidentiality, even though she is waiving it.
@ellochka It's her lawyer's job to object if a question violates confidentiality. If the lawyer doesn't object, you pretty much have to answer every question that's asked. So that's one less thing to worry about.
@milominderbender Thanks! That actually makes me feel a ton better. Now, to find a way to look like A Competent Professional...
@ellochka before you answer any questions from opposing counsel, make sure you pause a beat or two to make sure your patient's attorney has time to object to the question if (s)he needs to. Once you answer, you've answered (even if it is stricken from the record everyone still heard you say it).
I'm sure you'll be told this at the court, but make sure you answer questions verbally, instead of shaking your head or nodding it-- the court reporter has to record your answer. Try to avoid saying things like, "uh-huh" in response to questions too, because they can be ambiguous in the transcript (although the lawyer should confirm the meaning of your answer anyway). Like @milominderbender mentioned, the attorney should be more than willing (and may even request) to give you some coaching too, especially since you've never done this before.
SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS ALL OF THE SPORTSSSSS
Hey guys! The Nationals...just, whatever at this point, although they have an easy schedule coming up and the Reds have a hard one so, maybe they can catch up???....
I love tennis so fucking hard man, but wow, Andy and Roger out in straight sets? I'm super excited for the Li Na/Serena match, should be good times.
Peyton Manning has his arm back. Ahem.
Big game for US Men's soccer tonight. I'm nervous.
GUYS WHAT ARE YOU TEAMS DOING TO DESTROY YOU/MAKE YOU LOVE THEM
@katiemcgillicuddy Ravens lost and Orioles won, so I'm at.. neutral? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL
Seriously, this was probably the Ravens' hardest game of the season AND the Os desperately need to win all of the games in September, forever, so I guess I'm cruising along, feeling okay about the world.
@RK Fire It is so, so hard to go into Denver and win in week 1, if only because these guys are just getting is true game form, and they have the altitude to deal with, so. Gooo OOOOOO'ssss!
@katiemcgillicuddy FOOTBALL. Football on Sunday. I can't wait to drink beers and eat pizza and watch dudes throw a ball around with my friends.
@katiemcgillicuddy I know! I'm actually pretty okay with the loss, even though it sucks--we have a whole season to look forward to! Our defense is young and still getting to know each other! Unfortunately my facebook feed has a lot of despair on it and my preferred places on the internet for sports has a lot of "ha HA! I told you so, foolish Ravens fans!" all over it.
@katiemcgillicuddy I really really wanted to watch Graceland so I missed almost all of Peyton, and I feel bad about it.
What happened to hockey and why is it giving us such awful jerseys? Jonathan Toews looks sad and it's all your fault, bad Canada jersey. FAKE LACES WHY
Fellow Footy Hooligans: activate!!! Can we talk WC2014 Qualis right now? Can we talk about the fact that Miro Klose just tied Gerd Müller's scoring record (hooooooraaayy!!)? Can we talk about GERMANY, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER WITH YOUR BACK LINE!!!!????
and that I'm oddly excited for the US/Costa Rica match?...
Oh, and also: I foolishly played Dickson in fantasy this week due to NFL.com's projections of his performance AS WELL AS my own hopes for his performance and they were all DASHED.
@katiemcgillicuddy My alma mater is playing the school I work for. If we loose my coworkers will be SO MEAN. For weeks. I'm kind of dreading football this week...
@katiemcgillicuddy I know with the Nationals! It has been a summer of sad. But maybe, just maybe, they will come back (and no matter what, I'm definitely going to a home game again in September just so I can eat the Hard Times veggie nachos again).
Both the Storm and the Sounders have sort of sneakily become very good.
They both started off really rough and but the last few weeks it's become apparent that they aren't struggling any more, they both solidly in the playoffs, they're both teams that can beat you. It's weird how two or three games can retroactively change the narrative.
Also fuck the USMNT, all it ever does is wreck havoc on the the Sounders' line up.
@DoMark God, they just, and I KNEW this would happen as soon as everyone started picking them to win it all, curse you forever, Sports Illustrated, curse you forever. Also, YES PLEASE to some Hard Times veggie nachos.
@katiemcgillicuddy That Denver defensive player casually flipping the ball out of his hand before getting into the end zone after picking off Flacco was maybe the funniest/best thing I've ever seen. What a maroon.
@katiemcgillicuddy Jose Bautista shut down for the season oh good another year of completely meaningless August-through-September baseball with an outfield full of "Who?" (OK, I know who they all are, but still.) Now cheering for the Pirates because I still love not-very-good-at-baseball Travis Snider 4eva.
I WATCHED A HOCKEY GAME ON TV LAST NIGHT THOUGH (Hawks vs Leafs rookie tournament) and am beginning my fantasy league prep (this year, John Tavares, you will finally be mine!).
@RK Fire Yeah, that was disappointing. But! Flacco loves his TEs and Dickson got like 5 looks last night, so that's promising. Plus Jacoby Jones is presumably out?
@knockout He got five looks but most of them bounced out of his hands WHYYYYYYY
[I honestly am unsure whether or not that's Dickson's fault or Flacco's fault, blah blah blah, throwing at numbers.]
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That was ridiculous, a moron indeed.
@zamboni Yeah, the Pirates are a great story, I'm pulling for them as well. The Bautista thing is probably smart.
Weeeeeeeeeeee, hockey, can.not.wait.
@SmartCookie Ugh, co-workers, I hope your team kicks ass.
@meetapossum Football and beer and watching dudes throw a football around forever!
Oh, and one more reminder about the Hairpin NFL Pick Em Thunderdome in case anyone else wants to join!
password is Pinners1
@katiemcgillicuddy As I've previously noted in your threads, I'm a Red Sox fan, so this week has been fricking AMAZING. But also I always feel sad when baseball ends. Will this be the year I decide to care about football? I am not sure I can do that with Brady being injured and Tebow being...Tebow. Open to being talked into it though!
@PomoFrannyGlass Ah, but my friend, Tebow was cut. Do not let him stamp out your potential football fandom. You should play Pick Em with us, it'll make the season more way more fun, trust me! (The link is right above your comment)
@katiemcgillicuddy I am a Cards fan so I am not allowed to root for the Pirates until we are out of the playoffs (which will be pretty early on the way our starting pitching is going.
I am totally in on Pick em. My strategy for coping with another miserable Jets season is finding plenty of NFL distractions.
@katiemcgillicuddy Allthough I'll be a Niners fan till I die, I have been a big fan of Peyton since he was at Tennessee, and I was super-excited for the game last night. Alas, I was feeling awful and migrane-y so I went to bed at halftime. Imagine my surprise when I looked up the score this morning. To make it worse, my DVR went bonkers last night, so I have had to make do with the highlights on NBC's website. Waaah.
Also, thanks for the link to the Pick Em. Super-excited.
@bocadelperro Yes, Pick Em! I'm glad we got it going again this year, hopefully we've got a few more who are going to join. Yeah, hoooo boy, Peyton's arm looks...more Peyton-y than last year, and who doesn't love the man responsible for this:
@katiemcgillicuddy hahaha I love that SNL skit. My all-time favorite Peyton bit is this one. Besides being (IMO) the best QB since Marino, the man has pretty awesome comic timing. I can't even fault him for taking every endorsement that comes his way, because I find him so entertaining.
After last year, I was pretty sure it was time for him to hang it up, but I'm happy to watch him kick ass for as long as he's still got it. So long as he's not playing the Niners.
@katiemcgillicuddy OMG I haven't seen that skit in ages... the noise when he hits those kids with a football is HILARIOUS.
Btw, just so everyone knows, I've spent part of today with "Football on your phone" stuck in my head. I still like PFM at the end of the day, even though he scored a "touchdown's worth of touchdowns" (thank you, Baltimore City Paper) on my beloved Ravens.
Dammit 'Hawks, I love you but taking a knee for 2 and a half fucking minutes is a serious chump move.
1. I still haven't heard back from the position I did a third interview for last week. I'm hoping things are just busy because of university classes starting up again. (Eep!)
2. I had a different interview yesterday, which, yay! It feels good to know sending out endless tailored cover letters isn't quite the purgatory I previously thought it was.
3. I get to reunite with several college friends this weekend after a year in Indonesia and participate in lots of tailgating. College football in Michigan really makes it feel like fall. GO BLUE!!!!
4. I started this job board for young people interested in jobs related to activism or South Asia. (There really isn't a single go-to location for all the South Asian American advocacy orgs.) It has taken off! Yay. Makes me smile.
@nina! That tumblr is AWESOMESAUCE!! Good for you. :D (I used to work at one of those organizations that is hiring so this is giving me all of the warm fuzzies.)
@nina! Ahh you took a wistful fantasy of mine and made it REAL! Thank you! I'll be checking that all the time.
I'm a little up upset that my husband doesn't care about coming to any of my ultrasounds with me. He said he'll come to the gender reveal, but he seems to be worried about forming any kind of emotional attachment before we are out of the "danger zone" (I'm 9 weeks pregnant) and also maybe doesn't care about the pregnancy so much as he does the actual baby, who won't arrive until April. Be excited with me! We wanted this together! We have been together 6 1/2 years and have always talked about wanting to have children. This baby was totally planned and on purpose, but now he seems kind of "enh".
Now he's also worried that he's going to have trouble bonding with the baby at all, which... seems a little early to be worried about that since it's the size of an olive now; why create problems before they're problems? But he's concerned that he's not going to love the baby as much as he should and then the baby will have daddy issues forever.
I just can't even.
@MrsTeacherFace Have you had the opportunity for a serious sit-down to talk about how his actions are upsetting to you? (Because it seems like he is making it all about him, rather than about all of you, you know?)
That sounds tough. Major hugs.
@MrsTeacherFace I had a coworker who told everyone about his wife's pregnancy at 7 weeks and then had to un-tell everyone when she miscarried a week later. Maybe your husband is just trying to protect his heart at this stage?
But I agree that it might be helpful to really bluntly sort of lay it out how his apparent disinterest is affecting you.
@MrsTeacherFace Maybe you can think about it this way: You are GROWING A PERSON! With your BODY! And will be for the next seven-ish months, while your husband gets relegated to being the bringer of ice cream and holder of hands (which: arguably the better end of the deal, but way less badass). Maybe worrying, ridiculously and vocally, is, for him, a (silly, slightly fucked up) way for him to feel more involved in the process.
And you should feel free to tell him to get his shit together and come to your ultrasounds.
@iceberg Oh no, I've told him. We had a conversation about it on Wednesday, which is when he laid out the "bonding" fear. He knows I'm concerned, but it isn't really changing his behavior. He also will snarkily scoff at some of my pregnancy symptoms like I'm making them up. "I'm tired too - I just worked out!" Dude, that is not the same as being in my first trimester of growing a human being.
Usually he's a pretty thoughtful guy, but he's never really been around a pregnant lady or babies before, and none of our friends have kids, so I don't know if this is a lack of experience or if he is just being a big ole douchenozzle.
@MrsTeacherFace Oh gosh I have so many feelings about this, because it sounds exactly like what Mr. Cube and I went through. Give him the benefit of the doubt until after you're out of the "danger zone" (even though you'll want to strangle him sometimes - hello, hormones! And genuine feelings on top of hormones!). But also maybe make it clear that you need him to be excited, at least a little.
Also, he may indeed have a bit of trouble feeling as bonded with the baby at first. BUT (And it's a wonderfully big and glorious but), that will pass. He'll figure out that dads have some weird connection to kids that moms don't, and vice-versa. You'll both bond in your own way, and you'll both have freak-out moments that somehow the baby won't think you're awesome. It will. Honest.
And finally, YAY!!! I am willing to be excited with you! H
@MrsTeacherFace "He also will snarkily scoff at some of my pregnancy symptoms like I'm making them up."
girl i could tell you things that would make the Pintsariat want to set Mr Iceberg on FIRE. fuckin' dudes. sorry, I wish I had helpful advice on that score!!!!
@RubeksCube @iceberg I'm glad to hear it's not just him. Hopefully he will become more involved/understanding with the pregnancy, and I'm sure he will love the baby once (s)he is here (even if he's not sure!). In the meantime, I will let him live.
@MrsTeacherFace Were you like, "ever think about how if this fetus miscarries it will be inside my frickin body, which will be devastating, but is also coupled with the fact that I cannot, as the carrier of this being, decide to 'distance' myself, so maybe you should get over it and at the very least, support ME your WIFE."
But maybe I am the worst person and will be an even worse pregnant person.
@MrsTeacherFace He's worried he won't be able to bond with the baby, so he's avoiding becoming invested? Interesting approach! That seems like he's setting up a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe he could find it in himself to be less jerky about the appointments if you framed it more as him being there to support you, rather than anything about the baby?
@MrsTeacherFace I was going to bring up this on FOT on my own, but it seems to fit here. (I think. Sorry if I'm hijacking your question a bit.) I'm having the opposite problem, at 11 weeks pregnant. My fiancee/baby daddy is so, so excited, doting on me every second he can. It is I that's feeling disconnected. I've been in a slump the last couple of weeks where I just feel so...blah. This was a planned pregnancy, we'd been talking about it since we met practically, and I feel like I should be a glowing orb of happiness. Instead I've been super depressed lately, probably in part related to the weird body changes I'm going through. And due to a combination of factors, I think I have an unusually high fear of something not going right in the next 7 months, so I feel like I'm counting chickens before I hatch if I get excited. (Not helping anything was a miscommunication with Baby Daddy - he told his boss/only work friend about this right at 8 weeks, I'd thought I'd told him not to tell anyone, he misunderstood, but then he lied about not having told him and I caught it by looking at his phone. I'm still pissed about that one, even if he has otherwise been totally 110% awesome, and relations between us have been a bit strained.) Anyway, I want to be happy, and instead find myself sad/scared/etc. I'm sure the fact that I have a pretty terrible relationship with my own mother doesn't help. I'm terrified this won't change before baby arrives, and I have zero friends in real life that have been pregnant (they are of the intentionally child-free variety), so not having anyone to talk to doesn't help either...and the only support groups I can find around my cow town are for parents, not pregnant people who should be overjoyed. Gah.
I wish I had something more to contribute in regards to your husband. I just think this whole pregnancy thing, planned or not, is actually as hard as everyone says it is. Someone tell me this is worth it, because all I ever seem to read or hear these days is how much kids cost and how we'll never have a life again. (But don't you still have a life? Just with more people in it?)
ETA: Sorry this is so long, I also feel 10x better just getting it out of me. Whew.
@mrsnurse honey, everything is going to be okay! You're totally normal. I was suuuuper freaked out in the beginning that something was going to be wrong with the BBs, and I think every preggo lady goes through that at least a little. and your relationship ith your children won't be like your relationship ith your mom, because you know what you want to avoid. You'll fuck up sometimes and there will be non-perfect moments but you'll love this baby, you wanted this baby and you've planned for this baby!
Even as hard as having triplet toddlers is, i would never ACTUALLY run off to Costa Rica, because I couldn't do that to them. Your kid will aggravate the shit out of you sometimes, but just avoid shaking it or throwing it out the window and you'll be fine.
@mrsnurse and also, some advice: ACCEPT HELP. accept any and all help anyone is willing to give you. people don't offer if they don't want to help, people love holding babies they can hand back when they get bored, and it is OKAY to have help (it has taken me 2.5 years to realize this!!! whyyyyyyy)
@iceberg Yeah, I have a hard time accepting help and have always been pretty independent...I think that will have to change for the sake of my sanity. I am also feeling like a horrible person because I am way more distressed than I should be because I already have some stretchmarks on my boobs, and I know more lay (lie?) ahead. (I'm embarrassed to say tears may have been shed over them...I know how superficial that must sound, I feel gross writing it, but in full disclosure of The Things That I'm Depressed About, that's on the list.) I feel like my body is ruined which is stupid because a) I haven't worn a bikini for 5 years anyway and b) baby daddy is all excited about watching me grow a baby, stretchmarks and bloat and all. It's like I'm going through puberty all over again, except this time none of my friends are doing it with me. Anyway, thank you for the kind and reassuring words. I'm kinda desperate for them right now.
PS I'm this distressed and there is only one little bean sprouting in my womb...I can't imagine triplets, and I applaud your patience etc that you must have!!
@mrsnurse Oh girl, I was so sad about my boobs, I feel you on that one. Don't feel like a bad person! It is really hard to accept change in our bodies, when they are so much a part of our identity! I had really really great boobs and now they're tiny AND droopy and gross and I hate them but mostly I just chuck on a Wonderbra and try not to think too much about what I will never get back. I still have a nice ass, so there's that ;)
ALso, we don't truly know how hard things are until they happen to us! I must admit I sometimes fantasize about how much easier it would be to have one, but I went from zero to three - going from zero to one is still a HUGE adjustment and upheaval in your life. Just because three might be harder doesn't make one easier than it is.
@iceberg Oh thank goodness someone else was at least a little sad. My boobs used to be my favorite part of my body, they're already no longer, and I wasn't expecting that to happen so fast. Ugh, I'm sorry I'm so whiny today...maybe if my boobs ever stop hurting that will help. Another theory I came up with last night was that even if I never had kids and kept my perky pretty boobs for awhile longer (which I hope is a ridiculous thought once I have kids, that I'd trade my body for them)...well, I went through nursing school and saw this firsthand, no matter your life, gravity will win eventually. Plus maybe I'll get an ass out of the deal since I've had none to speak of yet in my life.
Really, really though, thank you SO much for the kind words. I've really been feeling shitty about everything, which then I feel more shitty for because I'm supposed to be glowing and radiant and I'm not, and then...well, it's a vicious cycle. Thank you.
I'm right there with you sister!! Almost 15 weeks.
My husband was making jokes about how he was going to be at the bar while I was in labor, and how he was going to "check in" when the "thing" could walk and talk and throw things, and other things that basically stated his disinterest. He jokingly stated that I wanted to have a baby so I can get more sleep.
We planned and tried and took drugs and the works.
I basically freaked the fuck out on him for seemingly no reason and all of this came tumbling out of my hormonal mouth.
He FINALLY shared that he was afraid to get excited. Partially because he was afraid of my miscarrying and not knowing how to deal with that emotionally and also be able to deal with helping me emotionally at the same time. He also has a super mentally unstable mother who enjoys sending herself further into manic states by getting excited. It generally ends up in her being involuntarily committed. So, he's afraid of getting excited about things because "excited"="completely fucked up" in his world.
Sometimes he's the best. Sometimes I want to punch him in his stupid mouth.
I also think that the dudes kind of can get lost in other stuff and go a few minutes forgetting that you're pregnant. Whereas for you it's kind of an all consuming deal. I hear from most people that it gets better when you are as big as a house and then shit gets real.
He's out of town now and out with our drunken bafoon friends (which are awesome). I had a melt-down about how hard it is to not be able to live my regular life and how everything changed for me immediately and he still gets to do the regular stuff. He got offended and was like "At least your not omitting the three major American food groups from your diet (he's gone gluten, dairy and meat free) and getting up at dawn to go to the gym every day so you can see your kid grow up". I explained how he can take a break from that when it gets too hard and, unfortunately while I am "growing your fucking spawn" I can't take a break. He still didn't really seem to get it this morning. He is now feeling really badly for not understanding and being more patient and kind and the what-not and texting me lots of lovey stuff.
This was long and useless....
ummm...I hope it gets better!! I can give absolutely zero guarantees as to whether or not that might be true.
ETA: @mrsnurse I really really loved the "like going through puberty" only without any friends comment. I mention it down thread, but I am having a really hard time with the isolation too. That was the perfect metaphor.
Ugh I really need to tell this story and I feel like I should do something but am not really sure what to do.
So there is this amazing lake I go swim at, it is my bliss. I swim there all the time. It's pretty small and usually there are lots of people there, but now it's getting to be fall and I didn't get there until later (6:30 pm) last night and I pulled into the parking lot and there were other cars there, and one man.
He was creeping around this red car, which I thought was his, but I couldn't understand why he was standing at it, I thought maybe he is waiting for someone else.
So I get out and he looks at me and I swear he pulls out his penis and starts peeing, at me, but we are like 15 feet apart and I can't bring myself to look at him directly because I am embarrassed, so I can't say I am 100% about it, but I did like 5 takes and it looked like it every take.
So I would have left except there were three other cars there so I thought it would be safe to swim and I passed him (without looking) and went into the water and there was another woman swimming and we started talking and it was pleasant and he didn't come and I kind of forgot about him. But than after about 25 minutes he did come to the water and swam right for me and started asking me all these questions (like when was I born, where did I live, which I did not give answers to) and talking about the lake and he was so weird and at one point he said, "this is such a nice safe lake, you don't have to worry about being raped here or anything, looking me directly in the eyes".
So it was me, him, the lady I was talking to and one other snorkeler (a lady, who I think the red car actually belonged to and he was creeping it).
The snorkeler had left and me and the lady had exchanged meaningful looks after he said "raped" and we exited the lake together and walked to our cars together and I am just very bothered by what happened.
I don't trust my judgement, was he a creep? Do guys say that to strange women, what if he wasn't peeing? Should I report him? Ugh, I just feel really violated, even though he didn't violate me and I feel bad for thinking he's such a creep when he didn't do anything really....also I wasn't mean to him and didn't tell him to go away even though I wanted him to. What should I have said? Do I report it to someone? What if he is actually bad and hurts someone?
@Tracy Report. It can't hurt for the cops to have that information. Maybe they already have a few reports, but they need some details. Really, information is the bread and butter of getting these kinds of things solved.
@Tracy You were right that is so weird. People do not say that. I am so glad you left and that someone else was there.
@Tracy Oh my god I am so sorry that happened to you. UGHH. definitely HE WAS A HUGE CREEP. I would report him to whoever might be responsible for the lake - parks department or something? Private owner? And maybe make a non-emergency call to the police. That is dreadful. I think I would have had a similar response to you - I don't know what I would have said, because even if I'd thought of a great comeback, I would have been afraid to say it. Like maybe saying it would have threatened my own safety. Please don't beat yourself up for not standing up to him or anything.
Really glad you and the other woman are ok. Sending hugs.
@Tracy Totally a creep. I'm glad you're okay. Is this lake on private or public property? Is it in a public park? Either way, please do report it, but if it's in a park or something similar, please report to the appropriate ranger too!
He clearly knew he was making uncomfortable and made that comment to make you more uncomfortable! What a dick.
@Tracy It would probably be a good idea to the mention it to the local police so that they can be aware of the issue. It might not be a problem, but it certainly sounds like a potential problem in the works.
@Tracy HUGE creep, giant neon red flag.
@Tracy Report him. Sometimes (usually?) these guys are repeat offenders. And I'm always in favor of trusting your gut on matters of creepiness. There are plenty of ways to violate a person without touching them, this guy came into a space you thought was safe and made you feel less safe.
@Tracy "I feel bad for thinking he's such a creep when he didn't do anything really"
This just isn't correct - even on the most charitable reading, he whipped out his penis and started peeing in close proximity to you, and then asked intrusive questions and deliberately made you uncomfortable. Report it, definitely!!
@Tracy Definitely, definitely a creep. Report him! Regardless of whether he was peeing or doing something *else*, he could have been charged for public indecency (at the minimum). And his approaching you in the lake and asking you all of those questions/talking about rape is definitely something to be wary about. It can't hurt to just get this on the radar of the local police.
@Tracy Absolutely a creep. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Glad you're safe.
I agree you should let the police know - just call the non-emergency number or stop by the station sometime that won't be busy (weekend afternoon, maybe?).
Also, I don't say this in a blamey way at all, because women get a lot of cultural messages that reinforce our lack of trust in our own judgment and make us feel like we should be nice to strange creepy men, but I think you should also get a copy of The Gift of Fear. It's really important to learn how to trust yourself in these kinds of situations - something I still struggle with too.
@TheJacqueline What if I am wrong about the peeing, what if he is just socially awkward, what if the police are hostile or laugh at me? Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else? Did everyone report it?
@SmartCookie And often repeat offenders already have a criminal trespass warning, so giving the cops a heads up and description of the behaviors can be really, really helpful.
@Tracy Like Mira said, culturally speaking we as women are often taught to ignore our instincts about creepy people. It's totally normal to have these doubts, but it does seem like in this situation the potential benefits of reporting the incident outweigh the potential downsides.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It would absolutely have freaked me the hell out.
@Tracy In most places it's illegal to have your dick out in public no matter what you're doing with it, so I wouldn't worry too much about the peeing thing.
I mean, if you report it to the cops and they laugh at you, well, you've done all you could, you know? I don't think they will, though. Maybe you could try to get in touch with the other lady who was at the lake with you, if you know how to find her. She could back up your story and/or give moral support. Or she might not want to be involved, which would be okay too.
When I was in high school I was studying for a chemistry exam at the public library with my friend, and there was a guy in the stacks masturbating at us. We were so embarrassed we never told anyone about it, but I wish we had. So there's my (not very helpful) story about creepy men.
@Tracy I had a guy come up and say really vile sexually explicit things to me one time when I was outside my house. I went to the police station and told them, and the desk cop sorta just looked at me and said "oh that's not a crime so we can't do anything" (i guess he didn't make any direct threats) but I felt better for having done it anyway. then the time I actually got flashed, the cop who came to my house took it VERY seriously and the police looked for him. So I vote report it for sure. If a guy matching the description you give turns up in another crime...
@Tracy What do you mean, wrong about the peeing - do you think he might not have been doing anything?
Nothing like this has ever happened to me, but a few years ago in the park a block away from where I live, there was a series of incidents of a man exposing himself, and he later tried to attack a woman as she ran by. She got away, but still. There was another incident of a guy chasing women runners in the early morning in his truck (he was eventually caught with rope or a stocking, something that he could use to tie someone up) I think he had a history of exposing himself, too.
I don't know what it's like where you live, but when the exposures happened near me, the police told my neighborhood association so we could be on the look out, and at least in the case of the truck driver, I'm pretty sure it had a role in getting him caught. Your telling the police doesn't mean he's going to be charged with anything, but it could be really valuable in preventing something serious from happening.
@Everyone okay I reported it and the police were really nice and I feel 100% better and also I am going to read that fear book and thank you to everyone who gave me the confidence to do something!
PS: Also I didn't realized how scared I was and still am until I started talking about it to the officer and I felt all these emotions...
@Tracy something (albeit very toned down compared to this) similar happened at work to me this week, and my HR department has been very defensive about my feelings on the subject, which is frustrating, but I'm glad I expressed them and reported them. Never feel sorry for the feelings you have - they are right and valid and your first line of protection for yourself. The other woman also found it creepy - an instant response like that should be taken seriously.
I'd report it - if the worst thing that happens is that the cops ask this guy a few questions, and nothing comes of it because it turns out it really was nothing, I think that's ok. If he's a genuinely good guy and was having a weird morning, a few answers for the cops - if they question him at all - would resolve the situation and may make him think twice about approaching people like that. If it's more than that, you may have helped yourself or someone else out in the future.
@Tracy YAY!!! I am so proud on your behalf! I am glad the cops were professional. It's totally their job to take care of that kind of stuff, but people's ability to do their job well varies, so I'm glad you ran into someone competent and receptive. Yay!
@Tracy I'm so glad you did and that it was a good experience with the police!
Sorry you had to deal with that, though, it is absolutely a creepy and violating experience and it's really normal to have lots of feelings come to the surface afterward. I hope you can still enjoy your spot at the lake.
@Tracy Adding to the chorus. Report it. [EDIT: Yay, you did, and it was good!]
Even if it was ONLY the uncomfortable conversation, he was behaving like a creep. If you feel weirded out or unsafe, it's not your job to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Say you did tell him to go away, let him know that he was being creepy, or otherwise "were mean" to him. Best/Worst case scenario, an otherwise nice guy gets momentarily embarrassed and learns that he was acting like a creeper. That is No Big Deal.
@Tracy report it. I once had a creeper van pull over and scream some super foul garbage at me. I did nothing, and saw the van surrounded by cops a few days later. So I went and told a cop standing off to the side what had happened to me earlier, and his strongly encouraged me make a report the next time something like that happened. Helps set a pattern of behaviour.
@Tracy I'm glad you reported it! Just reading your account of what happened made me really uncomfortable.
@Tracy No one can say for sure whether he's dangerous but we can all say for 100% certain that he is DEFINITELY A GODDAMN CREEP. Listen to your creep sensing heart. :)
@Tracy I'm so glad you reported it! He sounds like a huge, huge creep. Also, if he does do something really bad around there in the future, the police will have detailed information on someone to look for/question.
@Tracy I am so glad. Also, I just want to chime in to say that he DID "actually" do something. He exposed himself and indirectly threatened you. Honestly, I'm still worried about other women swimming at that lake in the late evening. I don't know where you live, but a lot of neighborhoods have sort of newsy websites (even in urban environments), and I might be inclined to try to get them to post a warning. Anyway, you are ABSOLUTELY right in acting on your instincts. And I'm sorry if he's ruined your haven, even if temporarily.
@Tracy Last year a man exposed himself across the street from me in a very similar way - I thought he was peeing at first. He ran away as soon as he realized I saw him and was on the phone (with 911), but a little while later I saw someone that I thought was him and called the police back. They actually stopped the public bus he had gotten on, pulled him off, and thanked me for following up on it because it is extremely important to establish a pattern of behavior, and similar incidents had happened uncomfortably often in that area without ever identifying the person. I actually had major guilt at that point because the guy turned out to be mentally disabled, but I later realized that it's not my decision to make what should be done about his behavior, regardless of his mental capacity/actual intentions. Glad you reported it!
I'm not sure if this was a bad idea or not, but it's too late so I guess there is no point in dwelling on it. But still. I have complained on here many-a-time about being micromanaged and not ever knowing when I can leave work and having to miss things in my life outside of here because of it all. And instead of taking charge, I just dwell in the anger and had decided I'd just quit. But... I just submitted an annual self-evaluation, and in it, I kind of addressed these issues but made it sound like things I needed to work on. Things like, "take on more responsibility and be able to work more independently" and "improve my communication skills when it comes to my work/life balance". I'm not sure if she'll think this is passive-aggressive, but it was kind of my last-ditch effort so I can at least say I tried? Being a grown-up is hard.
Hey, guys! I posted two weeks ago, nervous about a date and needing to reframe my mental script into something more positive. It totally worked (the suggestion of exercising was implemented by a dash to the train that left an hour earlier than planned!) and he was cute and adorable and I had a fabulous time. Thank you, guys, because I think your collective sanity and wisdom helped a great deal.
Now we've been texting for two weeks because he's been out of town and it's been progressively less fun - I like him so much in person and so very little over text! We're going out on Sunday and I am trying to cling to the sheer amount of fun I had last time and stay positive. It's not going well, but maybe I can make this work. Just gotta keep rewriting the mental script.
@sydwi If it makes you feel better - the guy I am dating now sometimes annoys me over text, but I think it's because we have different texting styles. On the phone, or in person, he's wonderful!
Texting is so different than hanging out in person; just keep remembering that and enjoy Sunday!!
@sydwi Ugh, girl, I feel you. My ex was amazing at texting like seriously I get tears in my eyes thinking about what a beautiful text-poet he was. And this new guy I am dating sometimes says "tots" instead of "totes" or "totally" and doesn't get my text jokes and I don't know why it is so important to me but gahhh I just want romantic charming texts ok. But maybe it doesn't matter? In the scheme of things? And I am being crazy? But I know just how you feel! As long as it's good hanging out in person hopefully the texting won't ruin it.
@bessmarvin Aww, I think 'tots' is cute. Like a little tater-tot of agreement.
@sydwi Yeah, ahh, I've stopped seeing guys before because of their texting style. Petty? maybe. But I dun want 2 c thiz ;) ugh
That totally does help, a lot. We do have very different texting styles (his appears to be pretending that we are already dating and checking in 3-4 times a day, to which my response is, "We have met twice, I am not your little anything and why do you contact me more than my boundary-issued mother does???") But he is delightfully nerdy and sweet and not at all clingy in real life, so who knows? As long as our styles match up in person (and he understands that I'm going to ignore 75% of his texts?), maybe we're cool?
Thanks, guys. Checking in here is keeping me sane!
@sydwi I once dated a guy for far too long on the strength of his texting when he was actually kind of a jerk in person? People are not their texts.
@sydwi Ugh, I went on one date with a guy from OKC, and for about a week before the date, he texted me multiple times a day. How was I doing? This is what he was doing! I was so cute! I had to force myself to reply politely. And then he tried to call me and I almost had a panic attack.
@Faintly Macabre Ugh! I get that. That's exactly my response, too. (Down to the near panic attack at trying to call me.)
Eh, my husband irritates me by text sometimes! Might not be a total deal breaking event. I'd stick with your gut from your first real life meeting.
Hi Hairpin! I asked for San Francisco recommendations a month or two ago in an Open Thread and got some great responses - so I wanted to say thanks! I just got back on Sunday and had an absolute blast. You sure have a great city/surrounding area (Point Reyesssss oh man). :)
Oh also the weirdest thing happened to me today. I've been rather adamant about never wanting kids, and today I was looking on facebook and saw a picture of a baby that I don't know, and had this feeling of "I could have one of those" and then the rest of my brain was like "SHUT IT DOWN"... but is this how it all starts?
@coolallison I do this on like a weekly basis. I'll see a cute baby or hear about my nieces doing something cute and I'm like "Yeah, babies, that's a thing for me," but then I go to a restaruant and there's a crying baby or I decide to just eat frozen yogurt for dinner or I want to sleep until noon on a Sunday it cures me.
@coolallison ugh yes I have never wanted kids but as I proceed into my mid-twenties I keep catching myself making faces at toddlers (I'm not into babies, yet) and taking "that would be a great place to raise kids" into my career plan. Scary.
@coolallison I worry about this a lot. I really don't want kids, but I also really like kids (when they're not being obnoxious) and often smile at babies and toddlers. Sometimes I'll see a particularly cute kid or touching parent/child interaction and start imagining myself with my own little kids and have to think, "NO! NO BABIES! DOGS!"
@coolallison It helps me to separate the distinct issues. I enjoy children. I avoid parenthood. I support people who are parents. Parenthood is just not for me.
@supernovice I made faces at a toddler for like half an hour at a baseball game last weekend! It was the best.
@coolallison that's how it started for me in my early thirties. Here I am now with a beautiful little one-year-old walking around.
And I couldn't *fathom* having a drooling, crying, feral baby before.
@coolallison Dude. I was so anti-baby until I was, like, 31. And then -- BOOM. And it starts exactly as you describe.
My boyfriend and I leave in a few days for San Juan annnnnd the weather forecast looks AWFUL for the time we're there. Hopefully the rain doesn't last the whole day, every day. =[
Sobriety Update: Five months as of Wednesday. I'm noticing subtle differences in my body and my mind, as in, I can remember words and conversations and board trains of thought for days at a time. It still sucks not being able to be drunk with my friends (especially at weddings) but I'm stubborn about it now.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Five months! That's awesome!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Congrats! That is a major big deal and you should be proud of yourself!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose congratulations!
What are the changes in your body? Because I think the prospect of those could convince me to cut out wine.
@themegnapkin Well, for one, I'm sleeping better and harder. Sleep means more when there's no booze involved, apparently. I've dropped about 15 pounds, and am finding that my skin is looking better. My eyes don't look at tired, and my eating habits have changed dramatically (no more late night fried things to "soak up the booze").
Hi the Hairpin! I was not here for a long time but I guess I'm back now. Long, slow days at work + the Pin (and/or the Toast + website of current obsession) = best way to avoid falling asleep on the keyboard. Yay.
Myb ex changed his locks. I still have stuff there (stupid, and my fault). What does he think I'm going to do, steal his shitty bong?
He also tracked me down to tell me he still really loves me and hes worried about me because I'm at the bar all the time. Oh word? I'm here all the time? Maybe is it because I don't really have a place to live and playing cards/pool/darts/shuffleboard with my friends is a welcome distraction?
@Brunhilde Ahhhhhh. Hang in there, dude. A bar with friends is the only place anyone should be while in the throes of a breakup. I hope you're killing it at the bar games.
@PomoFrannyGlass I won at darts last night but lost Cards Against Humanity. Getting much better at pool!
@Brunhilde ME TOO. don't have a place to live, because of a breakup. Solidarity.
@elissa_what? Being homeless is so fucking expensive! I'm staying with a friend but she just lost her dog, beloved grandpa, and dad in a span of three months, so I'm helping as much as I can but it's hard to be there a lot be Use I don't want to unpack my baggage on her.
Also, I REALLY hate being an introvert. My mental image of myself is a socially graceful extrovert but actually I'm super socially avoidant boo :(
@rimy Maybe you could subtly tweak the image: like socially graceful (because of a web of mystery and intrigue) intovert.
Introverts get a bum wrap, but we are awesome in our own way, in my (introverted) opinion.
@rimy Fellow introvert. I hate the way the extrovert is held up as the ideal like it's something all introverts should strive for. I highly recommend reading Quiet: the Power of Introverts which talks about that as well as gives some tips on being a socially graceful introvert!
@adorable-eggplant I am all about the mystery and intrigue but I wish I could be a little more accessible, since I would find someone who tried to be elusive and vague fairly annoying.
I'm not exactly socially awkward but I'm not good at jokey banter. I wish I was. I'm better at intense, personal discussions and sincerity. Yuck!
@rimy Keep in mind it is a continuum (says person who wrote her dissertation on personality traits)! Sooooooo few people are entirely one or the other, so the Myers-Briggs style label of one of the other is totally misleading. I'm a touch on the "extrovert" side of the scale, but there are definitely weekends that I hole up in my apartment and only talk to my dog or boyfriend. So I'm betting that sometimes you ARE a socially graceful extrovert!
@SmartCookie Yes, equally annoying as ignoring the continuum is assuming that being on one side of it is better than the other. People are getting closer to what those words actually mean (we're at least not conflating introversion and shyness anymore), but there are plenty of outgoing, socially astute people who would be called "introverts" out there. It's just about where you get your energy. It doesn't mean you are incapable of interacting with other humans appropriately!
@rimy I found out an outgoing friend is actually an introvert. I've known her a long time and was shocked. She says she decided long ago to start imitating people she admired. "Outgoing" began as an act, pretending to be someone she was not. After a few years, she says, it became more a part of herself than an act. Any Pinners tried this? Thoughts?
@HeyThatsMyBike That is a good point. I can be extremely extroverted on occasion! Can you change your place on the continuum, or is your balance of introversion/extroversion basically nailed down for life?
I guess what really bothers me, more than generally being slow to warm up and sort of reticent, is when someone's like "hey wanna be friends", I *want* to say yes, but instead I flake out and more or less run screaming (in my head) away from them... forever. Unless they are really persistent, which who would expect them to be, really.
How can I change, why am I so scared of being close to people?
Is it because I'm a Scorpio?????! (joking!)
@rimy Girlllll! You gotta read Quiet by Susan Cain. It is about introverts, their (our) place in a culture that values extrovertedness, and how to maximize your talents in your relationship and at work. READ IT. You will be nodding your head so hard it will fall off your neck.
@SmartCookie Jinx. Shoulda read what you said before I started preachin'.
@Rose Camelia I did that all through high school. It made me miserable. I became much happier when I embraced my true nature. YMMV of course
@Rose Camelia That is EXACTLY what I've done as part of developing my "teacherly persona." I am both a hard-core introvert (i.e., people are exhausting) AND pretty anxious about social interaction (in general), which was just not cutting in the classroom. I basically decided to pretend to be the kind of person who is super comfortable talking in front of audiences, totally upbeat and outgoing, enthusiastic about making small talk to find out how my students spent the weekend, etc. (I mean, I DO care about how they spent their weekend, but standing around awkwardly making small talk, with anyone, sounds pretty horrifying to me.) It was hard at first, but by now it's basically like slipping into a totally familiar acting role. And it works, too. I've gotten a lot of comments on course evals about my enthusiasm, positive attitude, etc., and about how the fact that I always seem so happy to be there makes them happy to be there, too.
@rimy Personality is pretty consistent over the lifetime (well, once you get through those adolescent years, where you move around a bit more). You can move a bit in either direction, but it's unlikely that you'd move dramatically.
That said, do you feel like you are bothered by this because you feel like you SHOULD be warming up faster, or because you actually want to?
I have a coworker who is on a nudge on the introvert side of the spectrum, and she's like the most outgoing person I've ever met, and I don't think she ever had to force herself to be that way. But, we have a lot of human interaction in the job we do, and so she says she expends all of her extroversion energy allotment at work and then feels like she has to stare at a wall most of the rest of her waking time because she is wiped out. It is all about a balance for many people!
Has anyone else been a bridesmaid in a wedding they don't really support? I know not doing it will end the friendship and the bride has lost a lot of friends for this guy so I want to be there for her but I also want to shake her!
@SmartCookie Oh, yes. AWKWARD. Is there any way out of it without directly mentioning him? Like invoking scheduling or time problems, or costs? Will she end the friendship only if you pull out because of him, or will she just flip out if you don't want to be a bridesmaid for any reason?
I was MOH for a friend who was CLEARLY making a huge mistake. It was difficult because she was obviously a bit confused, but I knew she was going to do it no matter what. Anytime she mentioned her doubts, I just told her to please not be afraid to call it off and that she didn't have to marry him, wedding plans be damned. I do wonder how she would've reacted if I'd flat out told her it was a mistake, but it's too late for that. Anyway, they divorced 2 years later.
@SmartCookie yup! they're divorced now. in between those two events, she defriended me on facebook. she would not have listened to me at the time anyway.
@SmartCookie YES! And she knew I didn't like him but asked me to be the MOH anyway, so I did. They were divorced 6 months later, and she told me at that point "it turns out, no one liked him! I wish someone would have told me!" So I think she was just "in love" and only heard what she wanted. So you can be a friend to her now, and if/when it ends, you can be a friend to her at that point as well. :/
@SmartCookie Yes. Twice! One is now divorced (and they got divorced very very quickly, which was tough for her but really just great news in the long run because he was the fucking worst), and the other has been married less than a year and they are - by her account - doing just fine.
My unsolicited advice? Grin and bear it. You're right, she's going to need friends to either shake her and/or be there for her when it falls apart. If she's lost friends for this guy already, she knows what people think of him and you're not telling her anything new by chiming in, so you're very unlikely to change her mind.
Totally one of those "understand you can't always stop people from making their own mistakes" things - which sucks and is hard, but is also an adulthood thing.
@SmartCookie I have kind of done this (it all turned out ok, but he isn't a bad guy--I was just skeptical of my friend's commitment to him, and I was wrong, happily), and also I am divorced and have heard a lot of "oh yeah, um, he was fine but we never really understood what you saw in him?"
My policy is, once there's a ring involved (and often before, depending on the vehemence of the friend) you just shut up and ride that train as far as it goes. I've never wondered why no one stopped me from marrying my mistake, because I probably would not have listened (my mom did try, gently, and I didn't hear it). Although I like @Briony Fields' advice, too, because once I'd been married for a little while I was DESPERATE for someone to give me permission to leave (spoiler, that someone had to be me).
@all Thank you all! I've been pretty knotted up about this so it's extremely comforting to hear from folks who have been there. We've been close friends for over a decade and I gently voiced my concerns early on in the relationship so I need to just grin and bear it. And really the only time I'll have to see the groom is at the wedding, right?!
@SmartCookie I don't know if notifications are working these days, but UPDATE to my earlier post here. Friend #2 mentioned above has filed for divorce. They got married last NYE. So yes, be there for your friend, and while you certainly don't want to sit there and hope that she gets divorced, you can be prepared for the possibility and be ready with the support she'll need if that's what ends up happening.
Also, guys, be proud that when she told me I didn't say "OH THANK GOD YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM BECAUSE HE IS MAYBE A SOCIOPATH AND IS AT THE VERY LEAST KIND OF EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AND SUPER RACIST AND ALSO HE MADE A RAPE JOKE DURING HIS REHEARSAL DINNER SPEECH I MEAN WHAT?!?!?!" and instead said "Oh, [name], I'm so sorry. What do you need? What can I do?"
I have less than 3 hours left at work but still Do Not Want to be here. Ugh. Can I vent a little bit?
I haven't slept well in like two weeks and I need a vacation. I know that we just had a 3-day weekend, but my Labour Day weekend was kind of not great at all and I need a vacation. I'd also like to get a new job, but I think the one I have is the only one in the world that I'm qualified for. I don't think I have skills, other than my language skills and stuff, so I feel like I'm in the exact same place I was in when I finished school. (Being tired almost all the time doesn't help.)
I also feel like I'm super selfish for wanting a better job, since my current one annoys me and doesn't pay me enough, because if I want to move out of my parents' house I want to be able to "live comfortably." And I probably sound spoiled for wanting that.
And on top of all that, my dad was in the hospital this morning, and it's just a reminder that he's getting older, and that doctors suck. It turns out that his terrible back pain was caused by a lumbar sprain, which is the first time in a long time that a doctor actually diagnoses him with something both correctly and on time. And it sounds like the kind of thing that takes a while to heal, so he's still going to be in pain for a few weeks, I'm guessing, and no one wants to see their dad in that state.
tl;dr my life is disappointing except for tomorrow, when I will give my cat smoked salmon for her birthday.
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Not spoiled! (not that there's anything wrong with that) [haha, I couldn't help myself] Wanting those things is perfectly normally, although it's fine to recognize that having the things you do have is nice also.
Sorry to hear about your dad. That is really tough.
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)
I'm sorry about your dad! That sucks and I'm sorry he has to go through that. My boyfriend's dad has been in and out of the hospital and it makes me feel complex things about life.
Mostly I just want to commiserate, because it's not wrong to want to live comfortably! And your cat and I have the same birthday, so that's something. :D
@frigwiggin I just checked again and it turns out that her birthday (not a "birth"day, just an adoption anniversary) is actually today, but since we adopted her on the Saturday, I just usually associate it with Saturday.
But happy birthday to you!
How is it EVEN POSSIBLE that I have four hours left at work?
@ellochka FOT and texting my east cost friends are the only things I don't like about living on this side of the country. (Also NFL starting at 5:30? Outrage)
@professionalmess I'm on the east coast! I just work odd hours, and Saturdays :(
My nephew turned 5 this week and I almost can't believe it. It seems ages ago when he was born and so much has happened in the last five years, but at the same time, it feels like no time at all. But it must be! I can have conversations with the kid! He's in kindergarten!
Is this what kids do? Give you concrete proof of time passing?
@daisicles Yes. A person I new as a tiny kid now drives a car. I shall wear my trousers rolled.
@daisicles Yeah. My small niece is going into kindergarten. This is absurd and must not be allowed.
@daisicles Yup, and it's terrifying. My best friend's MUCH younger brother graduated from high school this summer. I told him I was proud of him, but that he should be aware that it was completely unacceptable for him to be aging like that.
@daisicles Yeah, a kid I knew as an 10 year old in my final year of college is now in HER final year in college. Aggghhhhh.
Also? I work in a library so when I join new members I have to ask for their birthdates. I cannot tell you how many times I am shocked and saddened that the young man I find so fetching and who seems just about my age is actually 12-15 years younger.
@daisicles In a word: yes.
@daisicles I run into children that I babysat since birth in the bar in my hometown now.
@daisicles MY nephew is old enough to DRIVE, vote, drink (in Australia) and legally have sex. BUT HE DOESN'T DO THAT LAST ONE I'M SURE.
I am sad and hungry. Sad because I have half of the work-day left and hungry because I ate my lunch along with my breakfast this morning and therefore have had no lunch. Also it's so NICE AND SUNNY OUT WHY MUST I HAVE MEETINGS.
@JanieS ITS SO NICE OUT and I'm the only on left in my department, but I share a cube wall with the nosy HR assistant and if I left early she'd notice and I'd get reprimanded :-(
I am also hungry and would rather be eating chips and drinking campari and soda and sitting outside.
Where are my Vancouver Pinners? I am visiting my aunt in Vancouver from the 21st to the 29th of September and I'm super excited! I would love to hang out with you and/or get some suggestions for cool stuff to do. My aunt lives in the Kitsilano area and her husband works at UBC. They are both awesome and I miss them since they moved out west.
@discombobulated yay Vancouver! I don't live there right now, but I grew up (and am still) nearby.
Consider exploring Main St., especially if you like cute places to eat and drink coffee and look at people. Lots of cool little stores, too.
Stanley Park and the seawall, obvs.
Kits (and West 4th) are really lovely, too! And your Aunt will definitely tell you to go to Granville Island. Do - it's cute and charming and the market is amazing.
Vancouver is beautiful! We're rainy out here right now but hopefully it's a tiny bit nicer when you visit.
@supernovice I was worried about the rain, but my aunt says September is still dry season, barely. Stanley Park was definitely in my plans, but the others weren't. Thanks for the suggestions - I can't wait to visit!
@discombobulated I live in Kits!! What kinds of things do you like to do?
I second Main Street, and Commercial Drive. You can walk the seawall to Granville Island, it's beautiful. There are some awesome bars on Broadway in Kits! Let's go!
@lora.bee Really?! I'm totally up for bars on Broadway! Or walking along the seawall! Want to shoot me an email? I'm rose.michelle.r[at]gmail.
@discombobulated I'm also in Vancouver! Meet up?
@lora.bee Vancouver pinup?
Vancouver Pinup!! Are you guys in the google group? @discombubulated I will email you, @lanocciola if you want to join in, let me know & I will add you!
you guysss I'm getting my hair cut tonight. I needed a haircut like.. a month ago (pixie!) and between moving and visiting my boyfriend's grandma, it got away from me and now I kind of just want my barber to clipper it on the longest setting, so it's short-short all over but not QUITE a buzz. I've done the short buzz and also full on bald before but now I'm in a more conservative work environ and I'm not sure they'd be thrilled about that that.
This ended up being ramble-y but mostly it was supposed to be about how I love getting my hair cut.
@Madeline Shoes Haircuts! I need one (and actually do want to get a buzz again) but it probably won't happen until next week. Don't haircuts feel SO GOOD? Such relief.
@frigwiggin I just got home and feel so breezy on my neck! Ahhhhh.......
TMI help, plz!
I just got my very first yeast infection. Yayy. It started off with some discomfort after an overly-sexy long weekend with a man with some stubble, so I thought it was just a bit abraded. Then morphed into textbook YI symptoms by Wednesday night (with no other symptoms). Past two days, I've been using the clove of garlic at night, swipe of yogurt, keeping things dry, little bit of coconut oil, eating yogurt/taking probiotics, etc. Symptoms decreasing dramatically but definitely still there.
I'm terrified of creating a drug-resistant strain of super yeast and don't love the idea of noxious chemicals on my delicate bits, but if it's necessary to do so once it's a full infection I obviously want to get on it quickly. So. Do I need to buy some cream? Can I tough it out with at-home remedies?
@frumious bandersnatch You are confusing fungus with bacteria. You need to kill that stuff with something strong. Get some monistat or call your doc and see if they'll give you a Rx for diflucan before they close this afternoon.
I'm a garlic girl too, but sometimes that doesn't cut it.
@frumious bandersnatch At home remedies never do it for me, unfortunately (if they do it for you, I am jealous). I'm a big fan of the pill you can have prescribed instead of the applicator and goo, but if you don't have insurance/good insurance and can't get your trip to a minute clinic or whatever covered to get a pill rx, the goo certainly works.
You are very unlikely to create a drug-resistant strain of super yeast if you let it go another day or two to see if your home remedies are clearing it up, though. It doesn't operate like a bacterial infection. I (Mega TMI) get a few a year and because they are a semi-regular plague on my life I sometimes don't get around to dealing with treating them for a few days, because it is like a chore (like leaving your dry cleaning by the door for 3 days instead of taking it with you the first time). You'll know if it is starting to get worse.
Also - pro-tip - any time I have to go on antibiotics for anything(not often), I also have them prescribe me a YI pill since about 50% of the time, I will get one while on antibiotics. The other 50% of the time, I keep them for when I get one whatever other way I get one.
BEING A WOMAN IS THE BEST.
@chevyvan Combo trying to kill the fungus and amp up the good bacteria! (And reading horrifying things on the internet about how many women are suffering from yeast infections that don't respond to treatment now, likely due to over/misuse of OTC creams.) But ooohhhkaaayyyyy.
@HeyThatsMyBike I don't think I realized how much I didn't want to hear this until now haha. I'm sorry to hear it's a regular affliction for you.
I will call my doctor! Even though I don't want to just the feeling of grownupnish will be a plus.
@frumious bandersnatch Yeah, not fun, though mine tend to be very mild, which I guess is better than it could be!
@frumious bandersnatch This happened for me over New Year's (first time yeast infection, etc. etc.) & I tried the garlic thing too (which resulted in having my boyfriend fish it out for me later as I kneeled on all fours on the bed FUN) but then resorted to Monistat. It worked, but was deeply uncomfortable?
@fabel lolol sorry that sounds uncomfortable but haa
I called my doctor and my symptoms are so textbook they're calling in a prescription for diflucan and it was incredibly easy. Thanks everybody!
@frumious bandersnatch Diflucan is the best! Also, you may wish to spend an evening ironing your underpants - the dryer isn't hot enough to kill yeast, and you can reinfect yourself sometimes, so go ahead and iron the crotches of your underwear. It'll be fun!
Also if you feel a YI coming on in the future, a little spritz of watered down white vinegar will sometimes head it off. And don't eat anything sugary for a couple days, because yeast loves sugar.
HOLY GOD IT'S FRUIT TIME
Which is when my coworker in a silent office eats an apple or plum or banana or ALL THREE and somehow manages to incorporate every gross sound possible. I posted a screed about this last week but it is HAPPENING AGAIN AND HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT LIKE IMAGINE EATING A BANANA WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN WITHOUT USING YOUR TEETH JUST YOUR TONGUE AND THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH and also it is inexplicably juicy and HOW do you even MAKE an apple SOUND like that I mean is it made of STYROFOAM?
Fruit time is the worst time of day/life
@bananalise Why did my coworker decide to bring the world's largest apple in to work today, and then not quite finish it, put it aside for five minutes, and then crunch away at it again? whyyyyyyyy
@bananalise ugh you need some noise-cancelling headphones. that's how i deal with the Constant Sniffler (sucking his boogers in instead of blowing his nose). Well until I screwed up the courage to finally say: stop it, that's gross. And he did!
@bananalise Just the truth, and all of it.
@bananalise @mochi, you are so right about the noise cancelling headphones. Sadly I'm at the front desk so I can't do that. I'm left with no other choice than to type really loudly. Just clacking away here.
I started playing Dragon Age again but now I'm at the Deep Roads and I remember why it took me a year to finish it the first time.
@angelan The Deep Roads put me off the Dragon Age series entirely.
@lavender gooms It's a slightly depressing compliment to say of a game "The last quarter is really really good!"
I started a blog for pictures of my dog this week. So I'm That Girl now.
@adorable-eggplant - It's dogneedsadventure.com. It is very much brand new and I don't know what I'm doing but I succeeded in getting some photos of him up there so I'm happy. Now, to actually admit to my friends that it exists (since the point was to stop flooding my instagram with him but that is only worth doing if the people who really love him still know where to get all the photos of him)
OMG, my most-not-favorite coworker just did an entire all-staff video conference from her bed.
@milominderbender An avatar has never been more appropriate.
@milominderbender What? Tell us more!
@Briony Fields There she was, face smushed up on a pillow. Laughing while her kid crawled around making faces at us. It feels mean-spirited (but won't stop me) to add that now I know why all of her work product has major mistakes even though she "worked really hard" on it.
@milominderbender this just made my day. MADE MY DAY. Who video conferences any amount of coworkers FROM BED?! Amazing.
Why am I tired all the time? Is it just a being an adult thing, or a medical thing? I'm not falling asleep at my desk or anything, but at end of the day, all I want to do is go home and curl up in bed. My job is not all that demanding either.
@Urwelt If it's not a being an adult thing, I have it too. If I accomplish anything that's not laying around watching Netflix after work it's a miracle day.
@Urwelt There are a number of possible medical reasons, most of them really simple/benign.
Maybe you're not getting enough sleep/sleeping well. Maybe you're not getting enough of a particular vitamin/nutrient. Maybe you're not eating the right diet for your body. Maybe you need more exercise or fresh air or daylight. Maybe you need more (or less) social time. Maybe you have mild depression. Mix things up and see what happens (not that it's easy to find the energy to "mix things up" if you are tired all the time). Are you tired on the weekends?
@professionalmess I don't know how other people manage to do things like socialize multiple times a week, go to the gym, and cook dinner nightly. Much less have families! Is it coffee?
@Urwelt If you're insured, it's worth it to get a checkup and mention the fatigue at the beginning. You might want to have your thyroid checked out, and some vitamin levels.
@ellochka Vitamin levels, yes. I've had problems on and off with low iron for a few years now, and fatigue is one of the symptoms, so you might be tired because of something similar.
@Urwelt I second getting a checkup with blood work done. Iron, and B12 are common reasons and relatively easy to fix. Sometimes exercising can actually give you more energy, so of you have a particularly sentendary lifestyle maybe try to get some workouts in?
I know I am Tardy for the Party, but I am getting an IUD in a week and a half - tell me your stories! It will be Mirena and I am not looking forward to spotting all the time, but I am looking forward to not having to take a pill every day for the next five years.
@Beaker I have a paraguard and I love it. Yes, my cramps are a little worse at times, but advil takes care of them. I never have to worry about my birth control, and it is great. My period is normally pretty regular but sometimes something throws it off cycle and I never worry that I might be pregnant.
Having it inserted wasn't the most comfortable thing I've ever experienced, but it wasn't unbearable or anything (and I didn't get any drugs or numbing agents or anything). It was certainly better than the migraines and morning sickness I had when I was briefly on the pill.
IUDs are The Best.
@Beaker Sure! I got a Mirena about 6 months ago. It took three doctors to put it in, over the course of two appointments, which was not fun. Apparently I have a "tilted cervical canal". The pain during insertion was unpleasant like a very bad menstrual cramp, but not unbearable. I was able to go to work afterwards, though I wish I had had a hot pad. I took a couple of OTC pain killers, but next I would probably ask my doctor if she were willing to prescribe something. Can't hurt right? I will also be warning them to aim for the left.
Then I spotted for the next three months, which kind of sucked. I also had some very slight cramping and at the beginning, breast tenderness. The spotting ranged from only showing up when I wiped, to being slightly too much for a pantyliner but not enough for most tampons (I ended up buying a box of all light tampons on Amazon). Eventually it tapered off, and then I had one (or two?) periods. They were pretty light, but lasted longer than usual. I have my fingers crossed that I'm period-free from here on out! If I uh, dig around, I notice that my discharge is slightly pinkish, but I don't think it's showing up in my underwear. Then again, everything I own is stained from those three months of unpredictable spotting, so who knows.
Overall I'm very happy. This is my first BC, but I knew I would never remember to take a pill. I don't think I've been having any side effects since the spotting stopped, but I'm not always the most observant about my body. And most importantly: no babies.
@Beaker I love my Mirena. Insertion wasn't super fun and I had some cramping and nausea for a few hours after but by evening I was mostly fine. I had about a month of light spotting, a year of light periods and now I'm period-free! I'm also feminine hygiene product-free, did I take my pill today?-free, pre-menstrual migraine-free, and pregnancy scare-free!
Mirena here. I took a shot of vodka in tupperware with me to my insertion (medicinal! for nerves!). The insertion was like a cramp, but not painful. I had spotting for about 4-5 months afterwards. My strings are at a length where they sort of curl up and out of the way and aren't noticeable unless I'm trying to feel them.
TMI alert: I seem to often have a very low level yeast infection. Like no uncomfortable symptoms, but still something is not quite balanced. I tried probiotics and eating yogurt, which helps a little. Anyone else experience this? Anything actually help? I read about it in the IUD insertion article (here or Jezebel), and the author mentioned something similar to this.
@Beaker I have had a paragard for two and a half years now. I rarely think about it. I remain pregnancy-free. it is great.
the actual insertion was... interesting. it's such a strange place to feel that sharp pain, I've never felt anything like it before or since. I think I took an aleve maybe, which didn't help much. mine sort of reminded me of getting a piercing, in that the fear of the pain was the worst part, while the actual pain lasted for max 2 seconds and then I was like, "wait, it's over?" gyno was like, "yes. that was it, it's in." it was so brief and so worth it -- I plan to keep mine in for the full decade.
@Urwelt Oh God, that sounds not fun. Glad they got it in though!
@upupandaway Hah, I love your "medicinal" vodka. My doctor said they could give me a TRANQUILIZER beforehand if I needed it. What am I, a horse? I am sure I will be fine.
Thanks everyone! I'm not excited for this spotting business, but seeing as my current oral birth control is spotting anyway, it's not like it's going to get worse.
@Beaker I've had a paragard for about 2 years now. I had a failed insertion - my period came early and was over by the time I got to my appt. My cervix wouldn't budge and it was kind of painful. She gave me misoprostol to take before my next visit, and that worked like a charm. It didn't even hurt that much. There was cramping afterwords for sure. And cramps were a little crazier after that for about a year. I also got a few very painful pelvic infections in that first year. I can't say for sure they were caused by the IUD, but that's never happened before and it wasn't STI-related. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long time. It's been smooth sailing for a year now, and no unplanned pregnancies!
Oh! By the way! Remember when we talked about cotton candy grapes?
Well, I found some at the store last night and obviously had to buy them. Verdict: surprisingly cotton candy-y. You can't eat a ton at once because after a while they just kind of taste like regular grapes. But the first few you eat definitely taste like cotton candy. Everyone I give one to says "holy crap."
Definitely not something I will be buying regularly, but a nice novelty snack for today.
@KeLynn They were doing a sample at the grocery store and I did a blind (ambush) test on my boyfriend who was able to correctly identify them as cotton candy flavored, but also weird.
@KeLynn I just bought some of these! I ... Really like them, but they taste nothing like cotton candy to me. My husband says I'm crazy and that they taste exactly like cotton candy so I don't know. Is this like a cilantro thing? Do I lack the cotton candy grape gene?
@TheBelleWitch Whoa! That blows my mind!
Dear fellow 'Pinners, wish me luck in not throttling family this weekend. I'm taking my vacation super late this summer, I guess. But I'm flying home to hang out with family and go see Depeche Mode next week with a friend. This is all awesome, except for the thing where my family constantly tries to set me up with guys. Constantly.
Still, going to try and ignore/forget about being a miserable failure at grad school/all my failed experiments for a few days. I AM SO EXCITED. NO WORK. DAYS AT A TIME. *throws confetti*
ETA: Also, seriously, how do I get my (well-meaning) family to stop trying to set me up with guys? So many levels of do not want.
@celeec4@twitter Good luck! I have my 24-hour family limit, where the first 24-hours is fine, but after that I am annoyed at everyone all the time. So hang in there!
Also, I saw Depeche Mode a few years ago and IT WAS AWESOME. Those guys have really mastered the art of the live performance. Have fun!
@coolallison Its kind of nice knowing I'm not the only one with family time limits! I feel like such a jerk, like, ilu family, but I swear I will gnaw off my own wrists like an animal escaping a bear trap if I'm around you for more than x hours. XD
Oh man, I've been looking forwards to the Depeche Mode concert all year. Can't wait to see what craziness is being projected this tour around.
@celeec4@twitter Family fatigue is totally a thing! My technique is to have an escape plan (or several if you're home for a week!). Things like some "work" that needs done, a slight headache you need to sleep off, even just going to the grocery store by yourself. I think the only way to get your family to stop trying to set you up with guys is to tell them point blank. The tough part is if they keep doing it you need to reinforce that it's not okay and/or walk away from the conversation. Enforcing boundaries is hard!
@celeec4@twitter "Yes, he does sound nice. What's his number? How's your job/scrapbooking/therapy going?" Of course, you will never call him, but maybe they'll shut up about him if you let them think you will. Or "Why do you ask?" when personal questions arise. The key is to end with a question, so they do more of the talking. Go somewhere else in your head while they rattle on. I actually write questions in preparation for family visits. I hope I'm not the only one.
@celeec4@twitter I'm not very good at enforcing boundaries with family, but I am pretty good at coming up with excuses that accomplish the same thing, in the short run. Can you tell them that you're not interested in meeting any of the guys because you're not interested in a long-distance relationship (I mean, you live flying-distance away!)? "He sounds swell, but I have a rule about only dating guys at my university. Oh, well!"
@SmartCookie Escape plans are hard to enact sans car, but there are some excellent suggestions I'll try.
@Rose Camelia You're not the only one, I try to come up with ideas for avoidance well in advance.
@Dr. Witchbaby Yeah, I've tried telling this stuff to my family? Doesn't stop them. It's been a crummy week, and this may just all devolve into me having a hissy fit at them. So, whoo, fun!
ADVICE?? I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost a decade (I'm 30). I don't know how to date as an adult. I want to meet people with no expectations about how it will develop, because I'm not sure about starting a new relationship. I also don't want to be an asshole and lead people on. What's the best way to do this?
Can people talk about what is different dating in your 30s from dating in your early 20s?
@upupandaway The instant a date did something I don't want to reciprocate, I began a version of The Talk: I like you, hope to have more time with you, but cannot increase our current level of intimacy right now. How do you feel about that?
@upupandaway OH HI COME SIT BY ME! (warning: all my advice comes in the form of relating my own experiences. I hope they are helpful?) I got divorced at 31 from someone I'd been with since I was 22 (and had first met at 17). It's been 2 years and I've had some emotional entanglements and consistent casual type things but nothing I would comfortably call a relationship. And I feel okay about that--I've had a lot of baggage to unpack.
I haven't met anyone who seems to have had serious expectations of me/the relationship, and I think that is in part because I haven't had those. I think you can get a good sense of what people expect (and let them know what you want etc) in indirect ways. Like little comments and asides and how people talk about their friends and siblings in relationships. My rebound (who I met on OKC) was ideal: weekly dinner/sleepovers and light texting with a total commitmentphobe who dropped hints that he was such ALL the time (these would have been serious red flags for anyone looking for a relationship, and were an obvious defense mechanism on his part. Because I had my own set of defense mechanisms, we felt very comfortable with each other). This went on for 6 months, which I think is too long for arrangements like that, but overall it was exactly what I needed.
Since then things have been more complicated and more disappointing, but it's taken me a while to figure out where my own feelings are at, so it's cool. As for meeting people with no expectations: OKC is a good way to go, and HowAboutWe depending on where you live. For not leading them on, just monitor your signals. The last person I dated was really kind and open and generous, alluded to future plans, remarked on our chemistry, and asked a lot of really direct, emotional, serious, big-life type questions--and then emailed me after 2 months to tell me that he was actually on the rebound and couldn't handle anything "deeper" even though I hadn't been pushing for anything, and wanted to quit before things stagnated. That was confusing! So if you know you don't want a relationship, I would try to avoid those kinds of conversations, and if things just organically go there, be upfront about the fact that you're on the rebound and not ready for more (as @Rose Camelia has wisely suggested).
Seriously though I could talk about this all day long. The thrilling/terrifying mental shift of thinking you're going to be with someone and then being on your own, the bizarroness of dating in one's 30s...this is pretty much my everything, all day, every day.
@PomoFrannyGlass: Thanks for your honest story! I'm feeling all these feels. It is a huge shift to think of myself as a single person, although I feel so relieved about making the decision to separate.
I didn't do it at 30, but I did it at a world weary and exhausted 25ish and was seriously just interviewing candidates for the perfect most best husband ever.
I got pretty good at sizing people up and deciding that they were just not right for me. I also was a lot better at being ok with telling people that things just weren't working out for me.
IDK about other folks, but I fell into the trap of trying to "make it work" because relationships are work, right? The guys were super amazing, awesome guys with basically nothing wrong with them. Except that they just weren't it.
Soooo...the benefit of dating as a grown up, for me, was being way more comfortable with explaining my feelings and not being so self-important that I assumed that my disinterest would cause them some kind of mortal wound.
@Harriet Welch, Can you tell me how your new strategy (telling people right away if it isn't a good match?) has worked out for you?
I totally get the "work" part, which is why my last relationship lasted so long. I was totally committed to making it work, but I had a hard time changing myself to be the person they wanted me to be.
@upupandaway yup, thinking of yourself as a single person is such a weird shift.
It worked out really well actually. I didn't have a single person freak out at me or try to convince me otherwise (I think hat is what I was always afraid of...IDK).
Anecdotally, I had a bunch of AMAZING dates with this guy who was just super and he was great and we were great and we had a great time and we loved each other's friends blah blah blah. Eventually, some other things transpired (not bad, just tedious to explain and irrelevant) that made it clear that he wasn't going to work out with me. We talked about it like regular grown-up people. Went through a couple of weeks of awkwardly trying to figure out how to be friends when we really wanted to do each other and fall in love.
Now were are really wonderful friends. I met my husband almost as soon as we were all set in our friendship and now we do a regular happy hour with our partner's and he came to my wedding and we just get to love each other and experience each other's amazingness without having to make something work that just wasn't going to work.
So yeah, it's worked out REALLY well. I always think that it would have taken me a lot longer to meet my husband (/not met him at all), if I had wasted time trying to force a relationship with this other legitimately awesome dude.
@upupandaway Hello, boat-mate! Dating sounds scary and exhausting. And I kind of like being single and not having to play mommy-girlfriend anymore. but...I miss having an instant-buddy to accompany me to concerts / bars / restaurant openings. Or laugh at stupid things that only we found funny. bleh.
...I'm still so confused as to what's going on with the Hairpin and all the unexplained changes, but I loved that Into the Gloss post - it was hilarious and ridiculous and weird and true, and I've missed Edith's writing here.
@nyikint I squealed a little inside when I saw that pop up today!
Oh hey hey! I finally completed enough hours and collected enough eligibility Pokemons to schedule my cosmetology state boards! They are in less than two weeks. I am definitely stressed, but it'll be fine. I hope.
@frenz.lo Congrats!! You will nail it. :)
I am a loyal lurker and infrequent commenter on these open threads, but I'm wondering if anybody in this community has advice for recent grads that they wish they had at this stage? Or any commiseration? I'm getting so sad during the back-to-school time, I don't have a job in my field yet and am living with my mom in a town where I know literally no one my age. I loved school and had great friends (who all went to grad school so no commiseration there), and feel so lost and stuck in the "real world". I'm so lucky that I have good nannying jobs here and get along well with my mom, and she allows me to live at home, but I have no idea how to make myself feel better during this limbo period where I keep applying and applying and applying for jobs and never getting responses. I also kind of feel like school was the best time of my life and it's all downhill from here? How do I move on?
AGH anyway any sad postgrads or people with wise advice out there?
@CRINDY I lived at home for 8 months after graduation. It was fun in retrospect; I watched a lot of game shows with my mom and learned things about her that I didn't know before. Just try to enjoy it, and remember that you have the rest of your life to build your self-sufficiency. Things will change and pick up for you. And school's great, but life in general is great, if you make it so. You'll be fine!
@CRINDY I don't know about wisdom, but I definitely had some angst after graduation when I took a couple of years to figure out what the hell to do with myself (and with my expensive undergrad education). I worked, I traveled, I bartended, I worked some more, and I definitely started to worry that I had squandered something. Like I'd closed some doors. Like I'd limited my options. As it turned out, of course, I hadn't, and I ended up going back to school (law) and after more twists and turns (corporate law! death penalty work!), I'm somewhere really quite good now.
I guess the main point here is that: Dude. You're adrift after graduating? So is everyone else. You'll be just fine.
Thank you both so much--I am totally in the middle of that mild angst and it's hard to keep perspective about staying in the moment and enjoying this weird time with the promise that things will probably shake out okay. I really appreciate the wisdom, thank you.
@CRINDY Aw, man, it can be really really rough. Totally echoing @skeedaddle + @elissa_what in that its pretty normal to take some time. Living at home can be totally isolating (hello bottles of 2 buck chuck in my highschool bedroom whee!) but what honestly helped me was getting some routines in. I got way into cycling and baking bread and generally recipes.
What field did you graduate in? (2008 English major here HA HA HA) It might get to any job is better than none, so pump your friends or anyone for some info. I bolted for a farm three months into my malaise and managed to snag one when I got back (fuckin' startups admin), moved to the city, lah dee dah. But five years later I'm doing a mildly related grad degree and thinking that many many things have changed since age 22. It is not all downhill from here. It will get better. OH and please don't jump straight into graduate school. I think.
@CRINDY As long as you have ways to pass the time other than just applying for jobs, you'll be okay.
Also: finding really great jobs is all about who you know. Don't be shy to tell a lot of people about your job search. Mention it in passing, even. You never know who'll be able to hook you up with an interview.
@CRINDY Totally not Friday anymore, but just wanted to say that I'm in the same boat. just graduated in June, moved back home, applying and applying and trying to keep adrift and not get too overwhelmed/anxious by lack of job/money/friends around. all the commiseration!
Short weeks make tiny people the.fucking.worst.
I have not needed a Friday so bad in a looooong time.
Which brings me to happy hour. I have also not needed a happy hour so bad in a loooong time.
Reason #459234093492 why being pregnant is kind of crappy. The isolation of not being able to participate in all of my favorite activities (which seem to occur late at night, in smoky environments and involve being drunk or being around drunk people) is very emotionally draining. I tried to meet other pregnant ladies, or ladies with small kids on the internet. I figured I met my husband online, I could make a friend, right?
Turns out, they are fucking awful. They don't like when I say "suck it", look down their noses when I lament about the lack of whiskey in my life...no fun.
Those people who say that they love being pregnant? I kind of secretly think that they were already the kind of people that left parties at 9pm and were generally sticks-in-the-mud. At least that's what I tell myself to assuage the guilt brought on by kind of hating being pregnant.
@Harriet Welch When I get pregnant, Imma need people like you. I know I will hate it all.
@Harriet Welch Oh yes please, I want a beer so bad. My partner works at a brewery, which means he comes home smelling like beer every night. It didn't bother me at first, 11 weeks in, it's getting to me. Also I tried to do the same thing meeting pregnant people online. I stalked my "birth club" on The Bump, and those people are horrible...Or maybe I am just bitter that I am not just loving being pregnant the way everyone else seems to. Anyway, only, like, 25 more weeks to go for you right? "Only" 29 for me! Yaaaay pregnancy....
@skeedaddle- hit me up. I'll probably be pregnant again then and still hate it!
I caved today. I said fuck it, I'm pretending that I'm not a member of an overly litigious and puritanical society. I floated down the river and I had one can of cheap shitty beer in the four hours that I had.
IT WAS GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weirdly, it was also very satisfying. I only wanted one, nursing it was great. Made me feel like my normal drink all day (at the springs, not all the time) self and I didn't have to pickle my baby to do it.
ALL pregnancy boards suck. I do the babyandbump one and there is one other mom who is a few weeks ahead of me and we are weirdly appreciative of each other's weirdness. Offbeat Families is a good read, but not the same as an active forum.
Having Edith back here has reminded me how much I miss her. Eeeeeeeeeeediiiiiiiiiiith!
Yesterday was one of those painfully gorgeous almost-fall days, do I decided to take my baby to the park and practice breastfeeding in public (a problem for me so far, what with small hands, large unmanageable boobs, large unmanageable baby, lack of nursing tops, lots of self-consciousness, etc.). We went to a secluded picnic area with hardly any people, and it was going awesomely aside from some odd looks from occasional passersby until this large group of hipsters decided to play a loud lawn game next to us that made him cry, so we went for a less populated area (there was hardly anyone in the entire park anyway).
We were picking up where we left off and then he peed, which to him is UNACCEPTABLE, so I changed his diaper but he kept howling the way he always does for a few minutes after the horror of a pee-filled diaper. As I was struggling with the diaper paraphernalia and was already a bit stressed out by the lawn game/howling/occasional funny looks even though going TOPLESS is legal here, let alone nursing, these old ladies seriously popped up out of nowhere. One of them started stroking him on the chest as he shrieked. First I hadn't had time to leap over the stroller and kick her in the nuts as I had always planned I'd do if someone touched him without asking, and THEN I froze, which is worse. She informed me that he needed changing (which he didn't--he was just doing his "I had a wet diaper for about 30 seconds, and it was AWFUL I tell you--AWFUL" cry, which usually lasts up to five minutes. So I was very frosty to her and she went away.
But frost is no substitute for properly defending your children against the touch of well-intentioned strangers! I'm disgusted with myself. Does anybody have any suggestions for overcoming this sort of thing? I live in a large, multicultural city of busybodies with varying degrees of personal space and need to grow a spine and a force field, stat.
I mean... maybe it isn't so bad if they only stroke his chest?
It seems like this lady was irritating for being officious and ignorantly bossy more than anything else, no?
If people are being polite and kind and end up patting the baby without asking first because of different cultural standards about closeness, it seems like it would be sad to shame them, or order them away angrily. Maybe the attitude/atmosphere is the thing to focus on here, not touching per se? Especially since your baby will soon be at an age where he's the one touching other people and entering their space bubbles, which babies are very bad about and do all the time?
But if people really do something you don't like, you're totally within your rights to calmly say, "Please don't do that. Stop that right now, please." Saying that calmly, not offering any explanation, and just being silent after you've made your statement works extremely well, and it's also great for making you feel powerful, not powerless -- which seems like a lot of the problem.
Break ups are the worst. Or this one is. And it feels even worse when he and "our" friends are at a cabin and I'm drinking alone in my apartment on a sunny day.
@lanocciola FUCK THAT GUY. Signed, drinking Alone at a Bar Watching college football.
The atmosphere is tense here in the commentsbbom
This is late, but I can't get something out of my head and I would like to just put it here to purge it from my thoughts. Sorry for the novel.
I got offered a job that will put me on a faster track to promotion a few weeks ago which is AWESOME! This job will be really great and exciting and I was super happy to get it. It’s not something that I have a lot of experience with, but with proper guidance, I usually excel in those situations. I will have a new boss, and while my current job is ok, I’m bored and excited for the new position. The decision to offer me the position was made by my bosses' boss without my new manager’s input. At some point, after the director and Current Boss* told New Boss* that someone from my team was coming over, Current Boss and New Boss were talking and New Boss said something like “Oh, Coworker* would be really good.” And Current Boss said “Hey, wait a minute. You don’t get to choose who you get, and CinnamonSwirls is really good and you will enjoy working with her.” And New Boss was like “Oh, right, it’s CinnamonSwirls, I forgot.”
I have a sort of self-inflicted rivalry going on with Coworker. She’s very nice, but I have more experience than she does and she’s in a slightly more senior position (not unheard of, I know). Basically, I’m jealous. I wouldn’t care if she were as good at her job as everyone seems to think, but she isn’t. I’m currently at the lowest level on my team (due to moving and changing jobs too much) and Current Boss tends to make all these random remarks like “Oh, that task isn’t that important, that’s what our level 9 does.” I’m the level 9. It’s basically a huge brush off about the importance of my job… which isn’t even true. I do so much work that is both necessary and valuable. I never really cared that I was the low totem pole until he started making these remarks and it’s really cut into my confidence for doing my job.
The only reason that I know that New Boss said all this is because Current Boss has a habit of not really thinking when he says things. He told me this because he wanted me to know what he said about me (being good at my job and stuff), but I don’t think he even thought of the effect that New Boss’s words would have on me. And I’m currently struggling. I don’t know New Boss that well and I’m worried that I will let the knowledge of this affect how well we work together. I’m also nervous that this will mean that her expectations will be low and she won’t make it so that I can be promoted faster or that she won’t give me as much support as I need while I make the transition, basically setting me up to fail.
*I’m terrible at coming up with fake names.
@CinnamonSwirls I totally understand why you'd be concerned, but here's something to keep in mind: the interaction between the two bosses basically just went:
NB: It will be cool to work with Coworker
CB: No, you're working with CS, and you'll like that a lot.
NB: Oh, right, I forgot.
To an outside observer who doesn't have her perceptions colored by a rivalry, it sounds like New Boss isn't disappointed to be working with you; she just expected to be working with someone else whom she's familiar with and thinks well of. You're moving to a team where it sounds like there actually aren't a lot of preconceived notions about you, away from the boss who demeans your position. So now you have the opportunity to come out of the gates completely kicking ass and making a good name for yourself. This could be really cool! Good luck!
Oh my god you guys, emotions and hormones are clearly on high because watching "Pocahontas" on tv is definitely making it rain alllll on my face. Gah.
@Hot Doom OK, the film is flawed, BUT THE SOUNDTRACK. The score is amazing goddamnit.
Guys, am I an asshole for wishing my roommate would stop using my stuff? Like shampoo and razors and stuff. Yesterday we were talking while she was getting ready to go out, and she walked out of the bathroom holding my deodorant in her hand, and I was like, REALLY? I feel like the world's most selfish persnickety asshole ever but it really really bothers me. I know I should just talk to her but she doesn't handle confrontation very well so I'm afraid she'll just shut down. Ugh! Should I just get over it?
@Oliver St. John Mollusc What?! Shampoo is one thing, and that's bad enough, but razors and deodorant are very, VERY personal items. EW.
I would ask her not to use your personal items (it doesn't have to be a big deal, just shrug and say "I'm weird about my hygiene, so please don't do that" even though it's totally NOT weird -- who wants to share underarm bacteria?), and hide a stash from her that you take in and out of the bathroom. She might shut down, but she also lacks boundaries.
@Oliver St. John Mollusc Uh, no, that is EXTREMELY NOT CHILL roommate behaviour that can snowball into even less chill roommate behaviour w/r/t using and taking your stuff, unless you've told her she can borrow your toiletries, which you haven't. (The deodorant and razors thing is blowing my mind a little bit!!) She's already making you uncomfortable so don't be too concerned if she 'shuts down' during a conversation--she's already prioritizing her comfort over yours (or she's just totally clueless, which also happens) and there's no real conversation to be had. It is more a statement, from you, that goes something like this, perhaps the next time you notice her with your stuff, or when you guys are both around at the same time: "Hey, I've noticed that you've been using my stuff in the bathroom. *you may have a fun opportunity to point here* I wish you would have asked me first, because I'm actually not okay with you using my toiletries. Please get your own."
@Secret person It will be OK! I feel like dreams are a mixture of random shit popping up and some inexpressible subconscious stuff that just takes awhile to work it's way out of your system. I'd suggest a) listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell and feeling legitimately blue b) letting yourself grieve without judging whether it's pitiful or not, because the process of letting go of possibilities is hard no matter what the other circumstances, and then most importantly c) trusting it will pass.
I used to have dreams about an ex (who I dated at about 18 for a grand total of about three months, so it was kind of strange how fixated I was) and it lasted until I met him several years down the road and was like, hmmmm, you are still a cool person, but nothing like the sensitive demi-god that's been showing up in my dreams.... huh. The versions of people that appear in dreams are nothing like their non-dream counter parts. For me, it had something to do with the fact that we'd broken up abruptly so my brain wanted to make sense of that and then he was also such a blank canvas to me later.
What might help is to find someone more innocuous to fixate on, like a coworker or movie star or the barista at your coffee shop. Developing a fantasy crush might give your brain someone to project on who doesn't make your waking self feel so weird (not that I know how to orchestrate a crush: that might be tricky in its own right).
Anyway, it will be all over! But I can't say when. :/
@adorable-eggplant Thank you so much for your reply, and I'm sorry I abruptly deleted my comment. I suddenly remembered that I have a very specific handle that I use for almost every site I comment on and for my blog so I didn't want that to pop up when you searched my name :/
Not that anyone's obsessively googling me! I'm not that self-centered, I was just feeling very exposed for a second. Again thank you for the advice, I'll remembered it :)
Thanks for the informative writing.
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'Pinners!! Is anyone still around? I have a work/boss question, if anyone has advice...
This is somewhat horrible news!!!
It is admirable that you had the strength to make the decision, and I am sure as much as she hated the vet's office that she was glad that you were there with her.
Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic!bulk sms
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