A few tears
Go to the closest Safeway, maybe the one down on Willowdale Ave., buy up about thirty or forty pound cakes from the bakery section. Wink at the baker, call her "ma'am." Stop at the local post office, ask Jerry the mailman how the kids are doing. Tell him you've been meaning to get to Nate's soccer games, but just been so damn busy! You know how it is, Jerry. Package up each pound cake individually, throw in one chain from your neck to each box, for good measure. Mark individually with "delicate" and "handle with care." Smile, feel accomplished, breathe deeply. Mail all to Taylor Swift.