Friday, September 20, 2013


8 Headlines That Sound Like Upworthy, But Are Simply Attempts To Express My Withering Contempt For That Collective of Neo-Liberal Douchebags

Watch These Astonished Cattle Ranchers React When A Brave Vegetarian Tells Them That Cows Are Animals And Not Just Plants That Shit A Lot And Can Also Walk


You Are Going To Think These Poor Kids Playing Soccer In The Dirt Are Amazing. We Dare You Not To Cry When You Realize They Don’t Have Feet


What This Vietnamese Nail Salon Worker Says To The White Woman Who Told Her “Uh, The Detailing On My Flower Sucks” Will Make You Realize Working In A Nail Salon Could Be Awesome

What Inspiring Line From A Classic French Novel Was Beautifully Tattooed On The Flank Of This Newborn Baby?


They Told Her That She Wasn’t Good Enough. They Were Right. If You Get To 5:34 Without Quitting Ballet And Purchasing A Hot Yoga Studio In Petaluma, You’re An Idiot


A Grown Man Gets Teary-Eyed Watching A Doe And A Fawn Standing On His Lawn At Dusk. The Way He Uncovers The Truth About What He Sees Will Change How You Look At Weirdly Shaped Tree Stumps Forever


Infographic: 30 Percent Of Our Dads' Balls Have This Totally Solvable Problem


This Guy Seems Super Annoying. Then He Gets Even More Annoying. Then You Start To Think He’s Really Awesome. Then You Realize That Your First Assessment Of Him Was Correct. What Happens At 1:49 Will... OK. The Guy Poops His Pants. Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You


Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl. She lives in Nevada City, CA.

42 Comments / Post A Comment

Chris G.

Too. Perfect. I refuse to click on Upworthy links because the teasers are so overblown. Besides, I'd much rather be outraged over, say, Food Network reruns.



Carmen Maria Machado@twitter



Story #2

I didn't actually shout, "Thank fucking God" when I read the headline, because I work in an office with children in it, but I promise you the impulse was there. I knew it couldn't just be me.

a runner in the garden

Hate-clicking "disagree" on the pop-up, every time


Upworthy roadblocks are the "do you have a minute for the environment" street fundraisers of the internet world.


I always close those screens without answering ON PRINCIPLE. But I would genuinely like someone to explain what those "surveys" accomplish! Is it just to give you a nice smug glow at agreeing with a statement that only serial puppy murderers would disagree with? Or are they counting our clicks for some nefarious purpose?


I thought this was a bit on the mean side, but also one time I drunkenly emailed Upworthy that the popups were disrespectful of their viewers and driving people away, so.

Okay the last one is amazing, I hadn't read them all before I started commenting. I bristled at "Douchebags", but then, yeah, yup, these are on the nose.

max bread



@max bread But...I...didn't? I started having ideas, then I had more ideas, so I continued to type them, and I didn't feel like rewriting the first part, since it was still true. I'm not sure this warrants internet yelling.


@highfivesforall I love that drunk you felt the need to email them directly about it (I have almost done that with CVS and the local transit authority).


@max bread Ppl here do that all. the. time. Sometimes competitively. Not saying it's not a weird and somewhat unfortunate internet byproduct, but it seems to be the norm, not cause to trot out all caps.


@WorldofSass Oh my, this is great. mekong delta tours

Hot Doom

I would love to punch Upworthy in the headlines, much like I want to punch Buzzfeed headlines that read things like "THESE 30 GIFS OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S GAY PUPPY CHOIR DANCING AT A BAR MITZVAH ARE AMAZING".


Oh my, this is great.


Joke's on you, Petaluma already has a hot yoga studio!

...it's called Yoga Hell and its logo has a cartoon devil. Top that.


Cant.Stand.Upworthy. Awesome article =)


Upworthy is basically the over-enthusiastic intern at a Washington NGO in website form.


As far as I've ever seen it, "neo-liberal" refers to an economic philosophy characterized by strong support for the free market, deregulation, and privatization. I think you mean just regular liberal douchebags? (p.s. sorry to be that guy)


@Ramonita No. no. I was thinking that just now. And I know what you mean. I mean, you are right. so that's why i know what you mean. :) I guess...they think they are liberal but really all they care about is making money..so i think the use of the word is almost poetic...is that reasonable? feel free to say no.

Better to Eat You With

@sarpmiller It's not really used much in the US, but is actually closer to the way we use NeoCon. They don't generally think they're liberal except that no one should ever interfere in any way with free markets, and those markets should dominate all other political and cultural policies and movements. Neo-Liberalism doesn't have much of anything to do with social causes, and definitely isn't a socially liberal label.

Lisa Frank

@Ramonita Neoliberal in the 2013 colloquial sense has evolved past the economic policies of Friedman and Hayek. It's more about a mindset that some (many?) American twenty and thirty-somethings have that entails believing free-market capitalism can be used for social good and ignoring the inherent inequalities of a capitalist class system. There's definitely a neo-colonial component to it too (see: voluntouring.) I would argue that it's different from neoconservative thinking which, calls for maintaining US hegemony through military force, while neoliberalism calls for upholding US hegemony through free-market trade (and by ignoring/ denying that it is doing so.)


@Better to Eat You With I probably would not choose the word again and I totally appreciate your feedback. you were both very nice and not know it all -y. I did think about it - I still sort of like how at the end of the day i do think that all the people who started this site care about is the free market (despite pretensions to the contrary) and so that's what i meant. maybe i should have said something like secretly neoliberal? anyway. Thanks.


@Lisa Frank That makes a ton of sense and is a good way to describe all these social phenomena, which I'd just been lumping into the nebulous category of "annoying things my otherwise well-meaning liberal friends believe in." (I'd also add Teach for America to that as well).


@sarpmiller Actually now I'm on board with @lisa frank's argument that the word fits here.


@Ramonita she really did make a convincing argument but you had good points. Wow we had such a sane conversation about language and no one was snotty or mean. We should be in congress.


@Lisa Frank @ramonita this pretty much says it all, from their we're hiring page...The old media had tons of problems, but one thing they had right was a noble mission to inform the public and draw attention to the things that really matter in our society. Here at Upworthy, we're building a media company that's completely native to the digital/mobile/social moment of the early 21st century without losing sight of that higher mission.

It's going really well so far, but the road ahead is long, and we need the smartest, most passionate, most driven, and most curious people we can find in order to tackle the massive challenges ahead.


Right?? Right. Sometimes, to amuse myself, I read them as if they were sexts and they get a lot funnier. "What If Congress Saw What It Really Feels Like To Be Us?"

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

YES! I love reading good news but like, most of it is "Watch these kids get bullied, and then bully their bullies back!" Or "Here's something uplifting that Conservatives will hate!" and like, while I may not agree with political conservatives, how is basically putting down someone else's views considered good? It's like they're Fox News on opposite day.


@Lisa Frank oh that is verrryyyyy interesting. Yes that's what I mean!

Lisa Frank

@sarpmiller I think the confusion between "liberal" and "neo-liberal" is from the fact that almost none of the people who have this worldview would call themselves "neo-liberal" and so it's a label that's been affixed to them by political theorists. It's also a world-view that is so prevalent in American culture that people who wouldn't even describe themselves as "political" nevertheless espouse these views. Also because "liberal" in the US means left while in Europe it means center-right.

(Also, thanks for writing this article! My friends think I'm a Marxist revolutionary when I talk about this stuff.)

up cubed

@Lisa Frank Yea, I think they refer to themselves as Libertarian, relating to liberty and liberal economics.


This is perfect.


I laughed audibly at this. Well done!

Andrei Iordache@facebook

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This is the best thing ever. Upworthy annoys me even more than Buzzfeed, which at least has no pretensions that it's making the world a better place. And what's so frustrating is that some/a lot of the content that Upworthy posts is actually good and worth watching...but the way that they present it is so manipulative and self-congratulatory that it stokes the reactionary fire in my otherwise progressive little heart and I refuse to click.


ajwiększej trwałości w sieci, w roz trening i diety różnieniu od chudych, bezpłatnych indeksów albo linków na podstronach for internetowych. Linki umieszczone w wartościowych indeksach, osaczone kongruentnym dieta na mase wpisem, potrafią przez długie fruwa wpływać na kondycje linkowanej paginy, zapewniając jej duża kondycje oraz mir w w dieta na mase yszukiwarce. Przylega natomiast pamiętać o kilku naczelnych dogmatach, które mogą sprawnie podnieść


wartość polskiej roboty oraz znacząco wpłynąć na rezultaty pozycjonowania.Jakie to dewizie? Najwyższa z nich jest użycie z szczególnych tekstów przy dodawaniu opisów polskiej paginy do rozk malowanie ścian warszawa ładu strony. W diametralnym wypadku wartość takich bliźniaczych wpisów będzie bliska zeru - im więcej wykapanych wpisów, tym dogorywajże. Na pewno sfinansuje się s dekoracje-tarnawski.pl malujesz ściany warszawa prawunek unikalnych wpisów, można wykorzystać z służb niepodległych freelancerów albo paginy internetowych, które pośredniczą w owego typu transakcjach. Nie przystaje również bujać z ilością linków w opisie katalogowanej

JapeMethe Jgj@facebook

I would love to punch Upworthy in the headlines, much like I want to punch Buzzfeed headlines that read things like "THESE 30 GIFS OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S GAY PUPPY CHOIR DANCING AT A BAR MITZVAH ARE AMAZING". obat kanker serviks

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