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Thursday, August 8, 2013

22

Soap Is the Devil

According to this Dove commercial, soap is your skin's worst enemy. But that's just the beginning.  

Soap is stripping your skin of its essential nutrients.

Soap is drying you out.

Soap is making you scaly.

Soap is rubbing off your outermost epidermis layer.

Soap is irritating your innermost epidermis layer.

Soap is eliminating all your dewy beauty.

Soap is bringing out your wrinkles.

Soap is giving you a rash.

Soap is scratching you like sandpaper.

Soap is scratching you like a cat.

Soap is scratching you like your younger sister.

Soap is turning you into a hag.

Soap isn’t returning your texts.

Soap is leaving the AC on while you’re at work.

Soap is slurping its coffee loudly.

Soap will only go to vegan restaurants.

Soap erased your unwatched Dateline from the DVR.

Soap "forgot" to return your favorite shirt.

Soap is wearing your perfume. You think.

Soap copied your hairstyle, and then blamed it on the stylist.

Soap is draining all the charge from your phone.

Soap is sneaking into your room and rearranging your drawers.

Soap logged into your email and sent all your drafts.

Soap is licking your toothbrush after you use it.

Soap told your boss that you lied on your resume.

Soap snipped off a piece of your hair while you were sleeping.

Soap released bed bugs into your apartment.

Soap left your boyfriend an anonymous note, written in blood, that said, "Your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else."

Soap replaced your glasses’ lenses with a weaker prescription

Soap replaced your birth control pills with small, white candy.

Soap is putting needles in your cereal.

Soap is making you break out.

 

Previously: More Logo Friend Scenarios

Emma Rosenblum hates body wash, and will only use soap. 



22 Comments / Post A Comment

trembles

I have no idea how I feel about soap. Bar soap is literally the only thing I use to clean my body, and while I wouldn't consider my skin "dewy" it rarely breaks out anymore so. I feel guilty and confused every time I read some sort of makeup/hygeine/upkeep anything because gosh everything costs so much money and what order do you put it on your face and what does dewy skin even feel like!

Statham

@trembles I use ProActiv on my face, but only because I have a bunch my sister didn't use. It works, but it's expensive. When I run out, I'm going to need to find some cheap alternative. Otherwise, I use goatsmilk soap. It's pretty moisturizing for soap, and it's made by a local company. (Plus, it's cheaper for me than a store brand like Dove.) Wins all around.

Citizen Christy

@trembles Body washes never do anything for me other than make me smell like warm vanilla sugar, or so the packaging tells me. Also I'm a really sweaty person in general (get in line, boys) so even though I use anti-acne whatever on my face and neck and shoulders, it's still going to hang out there. I don't wear makeup, not from a sense of superiority, but from laziness. I am not Dove's target market, probably.

ohmy

@trembles Cetaphil is the only thing that stops my armpits from smelling terrible and it also stops me from breaking out, so I refuse to feel guilty about my soap usage.

Legs McKimbo

@trembles Can we talk about the fact that in the UK, ProActiv is a cholesterol-reducing low fat butter alternative? I am guessing what where you are, it is not. Please tell me I should put margarine on my face (because I don't seem to be able to eat a sandwich without doing that so it would definitely save some time).

I've just realised I only post on here to tell people something is British. Normally they already know. Sorry everyone.

Dirty Hands

@Legs McKimbo "I've just realised I only post on here to tell people something is British." Keep on being your sweet, bad self.

amitygardens@twitter

@Legs McKimbo I live in England and didn't know that. Strange. Although yes you could put it on your face. I don't know why anyone thinks that margarine is good sandwich condiment. So gross.

Statham

@Legs McKimbo Hahahahahahaha. Nah, it's a three step face cleansing process. There's Step 1, where I rub something on my face and it takes off dead skin cells. Step 2, the toner, and Step 3, which I put on and leave.

I think they have a whole line of other junk, but I don't use it.

Sophia Jacob

Unrelated but I remember reading an equally terrifying post on here about a guy whose mother used to scrub him clean that this reminded me of; I can't, for the life of me, find it now. @me

mattewmc

Regular soap strips away nutrients from your skin, but Dove is made from 1/4 moisturizing cream, so it leaves your skin feeling smooth and healthy. @t

yeah-elle

What IS soap, exactly? We just don't know.

I keep wondering if I've been brainwashed by the cosmetics/beauty industry into only feeling "clean" when using body-wash...because soap tends to feel like it's leaving a film on my skin. Even you, Dove!

On my face I use Cetaphil, which is great. I'm wondering if I should try one of their soaps for my body, too. I don't break out, but I do have weird excessively-dry spots, sometimes. Red and scaly, like eczema, except not itchy? It doesn't look like anything I've googled, and I'm figuring if I go see a dermatologist, they'll tell me to put steroids on it, which I don't want to do. Is soap the culprit??

Really, I've pretty much given up on understanding what my skin or body does most of the time. Most of my friends have taken the same approach. Bodies! Skin! They do weird, occasionally gross things! We all assume it's usually under the umbrella of normal weirdness rather than attempting to achieve unreal smooth-skin perfection.

commanderbanana

@yeah-elle Could be a reaction to perfume or something in the body wash - most, even ones that aren't overtly perfume-y, have fragrance in them. I don't have sensitive skin but there are one or two washes I've used that give me the same thing.
Or you could also not be rinsing it all off - I get that behind my ears sometimes when I'm lazy about getting all the shampoo off.
Sexy, I know.

Sea Ermine

@yeah-elle so I have really sensitive skin and I used to have exzema and the dermatologist I went to told.me to use Eucerin PH5 bodywash (if you're in the US you'll have to buy it on Amazon, for some reason it isnt sold there) and Neutrogena Norwegian formula hand lotion, for when it's really dry (its also great for feet). This is the only thing that my sensitive skin will handle (plus alcohol free witch hazel for my face)

Statham

@yeah-elle I used Eucerin cream when I had a spot of eczema. I also get really dry skin (especially in the winter), and using organic soap with a goat's milk base helped me immensely.

garli

I want bar soap with a devil lady on it.

fondue with cheddar

@garli I don't think she's on it—I think she's IN it! Like she's the prize inside when all the soap gets used up.

likethestore

Soap is the devil though! Well, not real soap, but detergents like sodium laureth sulfate (they make things like shampoo bubbly). I have eczema on my hands and work with kids, so I wash my hands a million times a day. Switching to an SLS-free hand soap helped a lot.

morwydd

I stopped having problems with soap when I started getting rid of sulfates, quit working in food service, and started using lotion. It's the little things, apparently.

Nutmeg

okay okay BUT can I tell you about the exfoliating gloves I bought the other day? I am pretty sure they remove a layer of skin because I feel so tingly afterwards. They are literally my favorite part of showering, and I wish they were the only part of showering but unfortunately I still have hair and a face

fondue with cheddar

@Nutmeg I use exfoliating gloves all the time and have done so for years. They feel so good, and whenever I forget to pack them for a trip I feel gross and unclean and sad showering without them.

I've recently started using baking soda to cleanse regularly (I still use soap on my pits and underpants areas), and while it doesn't have the same tingly feeling it does exfoliate and makes my skin unbelievably soft, like I'm 8 years old again.

Upsidedown Topanga

Oh man, if soap is sending all my drafts, that is truly horrifying. Excuse me, I have to go delete some things so I can sleep tonight.

lisa na

I have no idea how I feel about soap. Bar soap is literally the only thing I use to clean my body, and while I wouldn't consider my skin "dewy" it rarely breaks out anymore so. I feel guilty and confused every time I read some sort Thong cau cong nghet tai Da Nang of makeup/hygeine/upkeep anything because gosh everything costs so much money and what order do you put it on your face and what does dewy skin even feel like!

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