Previously: The Marriage Pie
Ann Friedman is protective of her Wheat Thins.
ann friedman, pie charts, wedding season, spinsterhood
50% no one salting up my game
25% embarrassing DVR contents
25% clean bathtub safe for bathing in
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25% Would like a cleaner house but feel very self concious when people see me cleaning.
@Onymous I only vacuum if no one is home. I'm kind of aggressive about it, smacking the vacuum into walls and furniture. Don't judge me!
100% No one to tut-tut me for drinking on weeknights
@Helvetica Haha. I am married, and my husband and I both still feel this way. When couples post gushy things about each other on facebook or get all PDA-y around other people, my husband and I give each other a mutual eye roll.
Crackers...or cereal. Every single time we go grocery shopping, I ask my husband if I should grab a box of cereal for him. He always says, "Nah, I never really eat cereal. No use getting one just for me." And then at least 3 times a week, I emerge from the bedroom after getting ready for work and see him eating my goddamn cereal. In a giant bowl.
@olivebee So true. My husband loves to point out huge bowls in the store, and say "I'd totally eat cereal out of that". THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVE THEM. He also eats the most disgusting combinations of food. I don't know if that's an English thing or what. It's just icky.
@olivebee Substitute "yogurt" for "cereal," and you've got my husband. He says he doesn't eat it, but then I catch him with my Trader Joe's European-style. Surreptitious Yogurt Eater - SYE.
@olivebee I've got a lot of allergies and weird food things, so there is always food in the house that I can't or won't eat. So when my boyfriend eats something that I can eat when he's still got his own stuff it infuriates me.
For instance, pretty much all the beverages I like are the ones that are bad for you, with the exception of iced tea. So the only drinks I usually have in the house are bottles of tea that I bring to work (one for breakfast, one for lunch) or water. I will buy soda on rare occasions, because I love it even though it's bad for me. I don't like water unless I'm really thirsty, otherwise I really want something with flavor. But he always has lemonade, coffee, and various water-flavoring type stuff, and usually beer in the house. So when he asks me, "Can I have one of your teas?" It's all I can do to not fly into a rage. I know he likes it too, so I feel bad when I say no, but IT'S ALL I'VE GOT.
Seeing as how my future intended just tut-tutted at me for eating a small bowl of cereal an hour and a half before dinner, spinsterhood is looking pretty good just now.
On an opposing note to crackers:
25% Crunchy peanut butter. Fuck you I'm the only one in this house that eats peanut butter, when ever I buy creamy to avoid a debate it just fucking sits in the pantry for 6 months untouched mocking me.
@Onymous What a monster, creamy should be outlawed except for occasional use in cooking or baking as needed.
@mustelid Nah, crunchy's still pretty good in baking. Smitten kitchen's peanut butter cookies are like voodoo food, I swear.
50% All the closet space is mine.
50% No one stealing the blankets.
I guess I just don't like to share.
100% Dislike being around other human beings 24/7.
This pie truly understands me.
100% having to squelch my eye roll at someone else's differing opinion.
@Rosebudddd -That should be "not having"...
100% commitment to seriously girly decorating ideals would probably be opposed by man.
@angelan Yeah, they don't love bedspreads covered in flowers, weirdly. My apartment would be so much prettier if I lived alone.
@angelan Word. My husband does not understand decorative pillows on the bed that are not used for sleeping.
@angelan YES! my 1-bedroom spinster pad is a tastefully girly, peaceful, cozy, crafty, lady paradise. Just last night I sewed a table runner with giant cabbages printed on it.
@angelan I forsook purchasing a third (fourth?) set of bird-themed dishware since I am going to consolidate households w/ my SO.
... and in my defense, I was putting birds (and horses) on things WAY before the hipsterati started it.
Speaking at least from periods when my husband is traveling:
Uninhibited belching, farting.
@TheBourneApproximation My collage-making, frosting-eating, and Buffy-watching goes up approximately 100% when Mr. Citizen is out of town.
@TheBourneApproximation When my husband isn't around the amount of ESPN goes down in the house by about 2000% but otherwise he seems to be fond of my belchy-farty Mass Effect addicted Buffy-loving self, so I would say my spinster-self would be just about the same, just with more room in the bed and less Sportscenter.
@Scandyhoovian Same here. He is going out of town with his dad in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. All the bed and all the television will be mine.
50% Dislike being around other humans most of the time
10% No one is around to judge my eating habits
15% Embarrassing netflix queue
25% Not having to deal with someone else finishing the goddamn milk
@Coal Tar Epoxy - Yeah! What is up with the G-D milk! Two out of my 3 ex-husbands were milk addicts.
Plus, I am so over having to take care of anyone who did not come out of my vagina.
@Trilby Seriously, what is with that. All of my exes claimed to not really like milk and yet when I go to make tea it's disappeared. And the empty carton is still in the fridge. No more, I say.
@Coal Tar Epoxy WHY DO PEOPLE PUT EMPTY THINGS BACK AMONGST THE FULL THINGS AND NOT IN THE RECYCLING GOOD LORD. It just taunts you with the hope of its non-existent contents.
@Apocalypstick oh God, I recently moved into a place with 3 dudes, and I was helping one of their friends go through the fridge so he could cook one of said dudes breakfast, and there was an entire carton of eggs FULL OF THE SHELLS FROM THE ALREADY CONSUMED EGGS, and no remaining eggs. WHAT.
@zamboni THE HELL?
@zamboni My (girl) housemate does exactly the same thing!! When I asked her why she put the empty shells back in she said she didn't know why(?!)
I don't mind though because we have separate eggs.
This reminds me of Barbara Pym's book, "Excellent Women."
But mostly? I like having quiet mornings to myself.
10% Can fully commit to embarrassing workout DVDs without having to turn the volume way down and slam the laptop shut at any noise that sounds like a footstep.
@Where Pies Go When They Die My housemate knocked on my door while I was doing a twerk workout video in my leggings and sports bra the other day. When I finally answered all flushed with a hastily thrown on sweatshirt, I'm pretty sure she thought I'd been masturbating instead...and I'm more ok with that interpretation.
@Laughable Walrus Tell me where this video is, I must have it!!!
@Laughable Walrus IS IT CALLED TWERKOUT?
@OhMarie COSIGNED. I never, ever work out but I just might if I can twerk while i do!
@OhMarie brb, e-mailing all twerk workout video makers with this genius new marketing slogan!! Seriously, I have no idea why that's not what everyone's calling it.
I was caught twerkouting to this video by Keaira LaShae. She's got a lot of fun dance workout videos - I know for a fact I don't look nearly as good doing them as she does (walruses aren't meant to move like that) but it's still SO FUN.
SERIOUSLY DUDE GET YOUR OWN CRACKERS
40% total control over all where-are-we-going-to-live decisions
30% total control over all home decor decisions
20% lack of anxiety over friends/relatives' opinions of partner
10% THAT WHOLE GODDAMNED PINT OF GELATO IS ALWAYS MINE
@Linette seriously, stop eating my fucking pistachio gelato! it was like 8 dollars and you DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE IT. jesus.
This weekend my boyfriend ignored me and played candy crush while I masturbated beside him. Is this a Bad Sign?
@RNL It's a testament to the power of Candy Crush. Its evil, evil power.
@RNL Honestly, that sounds like a good setup to me. That, and when Monica and Chandler agreed to "call it even," is pretty much how I envision my ideal marriage.
50% kind of tired of living with another person's variable moods
20% having the bed to myself and the cats
30% spend my time on the internet if I damn well feel like it
20% Never having to explain or justify the moments when it is suddenly important that the throw pillows are arranged in an aesthetically pleasing way.
20% Random musical interludes unsullied by audience critique.
20% Violent sleep habits
20% Single TV
20% No fear over the possibility of stomach flu.
Bonus round: No one asks anything of me before coffee.
@TheLetterL No fear over the possibility of stomach flu? Do you mean "no fear over the possibility of pregnancy when it's really just stomach flu"? Because getting a really brutal stomach flu and not having a single person I could ask to take care of me was the reason I stopped loving being single and started wanting a long-term relationship. (I'm not proud of that.)
@Quinn A@twitter Hmmm, that is also a bonus, but I am an avowed "Just leave me alone to die" type of sick person, and the idea of sharing quarters while in GI distress (particularly if multiple parties are affected) gets a big NOPE.
@TheLetterL I have three roommates and worry frequently about what would happen if two of us had the stomach flu at once. We only have one bathroom! Never mind if we only had one bed.
@angelinha I hate to tell you of the solution, but I will: get a bucket. An emergency bucket.
100% No one to question my decisions. Ever.
And I was just about to sit here and feel sorry for myself because yet another acquaintance has gotten engaged.
Thanks for reminding me why spinsterhood is the life for me.
@victorian rose AGREE 100%. (Speaking as someone freshly out of an on-again-off-again tough end to a love relationship.)
50% being able to leave the house without someone asking me where I'm going/ 50% being able to come home without having to acknowledge and greet anyone.
100% being by myself in my own space is the greatest forever and always amen
@frumious bandersnatch This! I don't live alone right now and I daydream of being able to come home and find everything right exactly where I left it.
@daisicles ARGH THIS. I have NO IDEA where so many of my things are, it isn't funny.
50% no shame in hitting snooze for half an hour
50% no sports ever except USWNT
@polka dots vs stripes I shamelessly do this anyway, cohabitant or no. I have a very tolerant man.
@polka dots vs stripes I read during all other sports on TV, but when USWNT comes on, I grab my USA team scarf and turn into the saltiest, loudest, complaining-est, sometimes-crying-est fan.
30% not dealing with someone else's sleeping habits/copping shit for mine
30% not dealing with in-laws
30% can live in den of filth
10% ...don't have to masturbate surreptitiously
Anyone else suddenly want to become a spinster?
This has magically good timing because the guy I like is currently in the process of rejecting meeeeee, wahhhhh, wait, never mind, I can be a spinster now!
100% Not everything in my apartment would be neutral colors.
Don't get me wrong, I love neutrals, but currently my fiancé is driving me up the wall because he wants everything in our new apartment to be brown. I am drowning in brown. Browning. I just want some color, people!
@Llllauren Oh my GOD the neutral colours! Tan and brown and cream everything! I just want a bedspread with some colour! I have been rebelling by buying insanely coloured kitchen utensils at every turn.
@This is my new username Man, the bedspread was our biggest sticking point, too. I wanted a nice sage green bedspread (with some brown, mind you), and he would not agree to that, even though green is his favorite color, too! And finally, after I relented and we got a charcoal grey bedspread, he wants brown sheets!!!! I am at a loss. As Zapp Brannigan would say, "What drives a man neutral?"
I did win a very small victory yesterday when we went to buy towels; half of them are sage and half of them are brown. And I've been picking out all of the supplies for our future cat-baby, so pretty much all of them are really fun colors.
@Llllauren Word. My husband cannot handle any wall colors other than white, off-white or cream. Also, the living room furniture is in the exact same configuration as the day we moved in - 10 years ago. I would move it myself just to mix things up a bit but it is all so darned heavy...
@all THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. I seriously just had a weird but very intense freakout over the (purely theoretical, since I am a spinster for the foreseeable future) prospect of moving in with someone who insisted on decorating in neutrals. I actually think it would be a deal breaker.
100% can be as frivolous and inefficient with my dishwasher-loading technique as I wish.
@Chareth Cutestory This is relevant to my interests. I just got scolded about my technique and it really pushed me to an edge I'm afraid to explore.
The torment of co-existence weighed against the horror of social non-being.
Um...i guess you guys all give waaaaay more of a shit about what your beloveds think about the way you live than i do because frankly, if i want to ignore the alarm i do and he can take his tut-tuting to the kitchen where he can eat as much gross cereal as he likes and whine miserably to himself about my crunchy peanut butter. maybe that is just the ambivalence born of a long and vaguely tiresome relationship: we can both still dish the shit but neither of us bother to cop it, which sounds kind of sad but also kind of how it ought to be. his shit is his shit and my shit is my shit and we can choose to enjoy the bits we agree on and ignore the rest.that is all.
@Nelipot 100%. As to decorating decisions, I pay for everything so I buy exactly what I like, no consultation required.
100% glamorous ideas conflating spinsterhood, lesbianism, and witchcraft. (Also yarn)
+30% The house stays clean and neat (and my style prevails)
+30% All the food and drink just for me
+10% Reading for 10 hours straight without regret
+50% No fights over splitting chores or bills fairly
+20% The bed to myself (and my little dog too)
-30% no help with chores
-10% no one to walk the dog when I work late
50% dating is the worst
45% having an awesome support system of family and friends
5% best friend calls me a "beautiful spinster" like Leslie and Ann from Parks and Rec
10% All of the things are mine and I know where they are
10% All of the food is mine and it never disappears unless I eat it
10% I can masturbate any time I want
20% Casual sex
20% Sleeping through the night
I am very lucky to live with a dude who shares a similar aesthetic, so we pretty much always agree on decorating. I fully recognize and appreciate how rare this is.
100% not enough room on the bed between me, the cat, and my laptop
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