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Monday, July 15, 2013

37

Hypothetical Lady Serial Killers for the Modern Age

Nearly 85 percent of real-life serial killers and practically 100 percent of cinematic serial killers are male.  In the interest of male/female equality in all aspects of life, the author proposes the below names and modi operandi for female serial killers. 

The Vocal Fryer: the last thing you hear is, "Oh, for surrrrrre."

Horse Girl: leaves glitter pen drawings of horses at all her crimes.

The Leaning In Poisoner: poses all her victims with elbows on the table, decisively engaged.

There's No Fucking Way You're 5'10": named after what she carved into the body of her first victim, a heavy user of OKCupid.

40-Year-Old Actress: the only victim known to survive an attack, aspiring actress Ms. Melyssa MacIntire (@MElyssa, included at the victim’s request), described the perpetrator as, “I don’t know, I barely remember her, she was in that big movie a SUPER long time ago, like 2002.”

The Pickup Artist Artist: legal experts consider a presidential pardon likely, although the mutilations of her victims are too ghastly for description.

Woman Laughing Alone With Salad: witnesses report seeing one near several missing persons, all of whom were last seen eating burritos. Wanted for questioning.

Maniac Pixie Dream Girl: not as into Neutral Milk Hotel as much as she's into committing murders at hotels.

The Executioner of Privilege: is she the avenging angel of sidelined minority feminists or a self-loathing Smith alumna from King of Prussia, Penn.? FBI profilers are dumbfounded.

 

Jessie Guy-Ryan is a novice comedian in Boston spending her days working in education and her nights being "hilarious" for her husband and two cats. She won't murder anyone who follows her on Twitter.

37 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

Dirt Nap Mommy: Victims from various walks of life are seemingly unconnected until it is realized that at some point or another, they all caused interrupted the naptime of her triplet toddlers.

Pardoned by reason of temporary insanity brought on by sleep deprivation.

(ETA: I liked this! especially the Horse Girl one)

dj pomegranate

@iceberg No jury in the world would convict her.

Lily Rowan

Jessssssieeeee!!!

antarcticastartshere

@Lily Rowan Hmmmmmmm? :D

Lily Rowan

@antarcticastartshere Also, King of Prussia is one of my favorite town names! Right after Bala Cynwyd, and probably above Havre de Grace, MD.

Audley

@Lily Rowan I have a relative who lives in Havre de Grace, so I learned how they say it at a young enough age that it sounds perfectly normal to me.

Lily Rowan

@Audley I think I would enjoy the sounds regardless of the spelling.

cuminafterall

Aaahhh I had a conference call this morning with the Vocal Fryer!! Usually I don't notice vocal fry, but she ended every sentence with a super-creaky utterance (if pressed to assign a word to it, I'd say it was "so," but it sounded more like "suuuuhhh" where the "uuuuhhh" was 100% creak).

Probs

As a guy who was told by an actual medical doctor that he was 5'10", and later by an actual medical doctor that he wasn't, every shadow in the night seems to take on a sinister shape...

Judith Slutler

@Probs just change your height to Probs 5'10", that should cover it.

Probs

@Judith Slutler Genius! Really, I'm just glad I haven't activated my OKCupid account yet, due to the fedora and black Reeboks I ordered getting lost in the mail.

Emby

@Probs I got laser-measured at a science museum, and it said I was exactly 5'11'' and three-quarters of an inch. I will continue to tell people I am 6'0'', but with a quarter-inch of shame.

iceberg

@Emby Just gel your hair up a little.

leonstj

@Emby - I went to the doctor for the first time since I was 17 a couple weeks ago. (I'm in my early 30s now).

I have been saying I was 6'0" my entire adult life cuz I felt like it was probably right. I was so terrified when getting measured that they would say "5'11" or something. When they said "Six Foot", I just breathed such a sigh of relief.

Then they started sliding the weights across the scale.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

My only friend currently online dating is, I'd guess, 5'4" and won't lie about it. So everyone assumes he's really, like, a garden gnome sans hat.

It's hard out there!

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll At least he's honest. DUDE, IF YOU LIE, EVERYONE CAN TELL. It's not like "Catholicism and kinda serious about it" or "Capricorn and it's fun to think about."

amitygardens@twitter

@Probs The weight thing is the worst. They just keep pushing it, and it's echoing with a loud screech in your head. You keep praying that they silently judging you, but they totally are.

LacunaKale

The tweeter-Posts endless keyword driven clues about her next victim, and vines her murder kit. However, due to RT related distraction, only ever succeeds in mangling.

Judith Slutler

@LacunaKale The Spammer - Her story might seem unbelievable, but she and her friends all found their victims on SériälKíllérCönnéct.com. Why not give it a try?

Judith Slutler

@Judith Slutler Also, The Joke Repeater: Eventually, the FBI realized she was tracking down long-time commenters on her favorite website and poisoning their cocktails at meetups, so they wouldn't notice how she kept making multiple spammer jokes over a period of months...

aloes12

Haha i wonder where you get these statistics. In my opinion there are more women serial killers than man. Just look on the other site

formergr

I love "There's No Fucking Way You're 5'10"--it is so true.

theotherginger

@formergr fave part of the whole article.

Tuna Surprise

@theotherginger
I'm volunteering to be the 5'10" killer. My calling card will be the platforms nailed to the bottom of his feet that reflect the difference between his actual height and 5'10".

Emby

@formergr If we're being honest, I also don't like doing outdoorsy stuff, exploring the city, of spending a chill night in. And frankly, the most private thing I'm willing to admit isn't that I'm here on OK Cupid. It's that I know exactly what happened to Jason's Lunchable in 3rd grade. I think in the back of his mind, Jason knows it, too. I can admit that—here, now that we're being honest.

Lily Rowan

@Emby BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE WIRE???

antarcticastartshere

The accompanying photo + caption is better than I ever dared to dream.

Sgt. Grumbles

YIKES. As a Smithie from King of Prussia, this felt oddly personal. And ominous.

Hot Doom

@Sgt. Grumbles haha, as a Smithie, not from King of Prussia, I like to think I have one hand in the execution of privilege pot, and one hand out.

ETA: Meaning...once I take my hand out of the pot, I may open a can of feminist whoop-ass OR, I will kill, serially. With one hand.

Sgt. Grumbles

@Hot Doom Hah! Girl, the only thing we serially murder is gender norms.

Bebe

MYOB Monster - Targets people who ask women intrusive questions about their marital and/or reproductive statuses. Uses entire rolls of duct tape over victims' mouths.

RubeksCube

@Bebe Any idea how someone could go about hiring the MYOB Monster? Asking for a friend...

meeyawl

@RubeksCube buddy of mine at work got asked if she was pregnant last week. I have a feeling she would have turned into the MYOB Monster had I not placated her with a coffee and muffin.

RubeksCube

@meeyawl I could have used coffee and a muffin (Or 3. Or duct tape. Either way.) when my mother-in-law started asking when we would be having our next kid (I just gave birth 2 months ago), and that if we only had the one, she would be "sad".

Roxanne Rholes

Jessie Jessie Jessie!

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