It's Friday. It's Rosé weather. It's Clueless's 18th birthday. DO THE MATH.
How was your week?
clueless, open thread, rip brittany, what math
@lasso tabasco Yes! I've always wanted to be first... what's everyone doing this weekend?
@lasso tabasco Hiding from the burning daystar, eating ice cream.
@lasso tabasco Visiting my family! Swimming in a lake! Sitting in terrible inevitable traffic on the way home on Sunday.
@lasso tabasco driving around in my car with no AC! Making broccoli salad! Watching Orange is the New Black!
Pitchfork Music Festival! Though sadly Saturday only...
Any other 'Pinners coming?
Going to Paris for the final stage of the Tour de France. So excited I can't see straight!
@Tuna Surprise AFLAME WITH JEALOUSY.
@lasso tabasco Hanging with a friend tonight to drink wine, watch Poirot, and (most importantly) playing with friend's new KITTEN. Tomorrow is Errand Day and then Sunday I toddle off to the airport and get on a plane to Georgia, where I will be visiting with family and trying not to die in the heat. (This is only my 2nd visiting during the summer since I moved to SF 11 years ago. I'm a little afraid of the heat, but it's been cold and foggy enough here lately that I'm maybe ready to be warm.)
@lasso tabasco Editing nonstop in my air-conditioned, sub-loft-bed-located, Christmas-light-illuminated grotto! It's a freelance assignment, which is exciting... only thing is, I'm also working full time in an office!
Seriously, I have to edit like 150 pages of this YA book by Monday or I'll kick myself.
@tuna surprise Of all the awesome weekends, that is the awesomest. I have done that once, and it is a great day out; everyone seemed so happy and relaxed.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Bergy Bits, why are you crying this week?
[at the aquarium] I don't want the shark to get me! Relatedly, I have no concept of foot-thick plexiglass.
I, your son, want ponytails in my hair like my sisters. And I won't hear any of your excuses about my hair being too short. That's just laziness talking.
IN OTHER NEWS
About 3:30am. The Quiet One wails from the bedroom. One fixed blanket and one hug later, she's all good. I stumble back to bed. Ten minutes later, more wails. "Mummeeeeee!" I stagger back to the children's bedroom. My darling daughter stops wailing and smiles up at me, parts her Cupid's bow lips and says "Fart!"
I guess she couldn't wait til morning to tell me about it.
ASK A BERGY BIT
@TheclaAndTheSeals asked: "How do you adjust your attitude when your situation is not immediately changeable and your bad attitude is only hurting yourself?
So maybe for kids: When you're grumpy all the time, how do you stop that?"
Bergy Bits Answer:
The Clown: [making angry finger guns] "Hnnnnggggghhh!" (angry grunting) followed by peals of laughter from all three Bergy Bits.
Iceberg Interpretation: I think what the Clown was trying to say here, and this is advice that I myself have needed, is that it's okay to express your anger, but remember not to take yourself too seriously, and try to find the joy and humor in everyday life as well.
@Whatwhat? asked: "dear Bergy Bits,although I generally enjoy my job and find my tasks interesting and feel like I keep learning and developing a lot every day, I have so many issues at work that are stressing me out (such as my 16-hour day today), and also I'm in a long distance relationship and would like to live in the same country as my boyfriend and am considering moving, but this might mean I would have to settle with any job there at first, which doesnt seem too bad especially considering my stress-level at work at the moment, but I always do this I always run away from my problems and start over and I dont want this to be my coping mechanism for everything, you know? "
I first attempted to ask the Quiet One -"Quiet One, can I ask you a question?" at which she shouted "No questions!" and made a dismissive hand gesture. I attempted the question again several days later, when the BBs were somewhat mollified and distracted, eating tubs of mogurt - "Mummy's friend Whatwhat: Job? Or boyfriend?"
The Clown said "Boyfriend!" and The Quiet One said "Job!" but then she immediately changed her answer to "Boyfriend!". The Diva abstained from voting.
Iceberg Interpretation: I guess the Bergy Bits believe in true "uvv". They are firm believers in proclaiming their love and demanding "huggakiss", certainly. Perhaps you are running away from your job problems (I wouldn't know anything about that *coughcough*), but also you are running towards your boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better, I got a retail job within 2 weeks of moving to the US from Australia, and a proper job in my industry about a month after that.
(@upupandaway - I didn't see your questions until last night but will put them to the BBs over the weekend!)
@iceberg Fart! Haha, I love your kids. :)
@iceberg Also, I would love to see Ask a Bergy Bit as a regular column.
@iceberg So a couple of times you've mentioned that your little dude has a great desire to wear what his sisters wear and do what they do (Fancies, ponytails) and I was curious how you've been responding to that! Not like, fake curious with secret attitude, but actually curious, because it's a thing I think about a lot re: Maybe Babies.
@turnipgreens I actually wrote a Thing, but it remains to be determined if/where it's going to be seen on this here internet.
@iceberg I love your kids, but I think I love your interpretation of their grunting and laughter even more. The Bergy Bits are correct: I need to stop taking myself so seriously.
This is much more useful than therapy.
@iceberg I hope you find a good spot for it! I would love to see it.
@iceberg Ask a Bergy Bit is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Please keep doing it! Your kids are hilarious!
@iceberg Hey now. A simple piece of plexiglass between you and billions of gallons of shark-infested waters is legit terrifying.
@iceberg I love how Blergy Bits, Why Are You Crying? has evolved into a regular FOT feature.
@iceberg Love this so much! You and the BBs are the highlight of the FOT every week! I love how they seem to see you as a (much loved) lower-level employee. "I won't hear any of your excuses. That's just laziness talking."
So true to life for most of the toddlers I've known!
@iceberg ooooh I missed the open thread last week(boyfriend visiting, been...busy ;)) and just remembered that I had asked a question - and the bergies came through! Any decisions are postponed until mr. whatwhat finishes his degree in the fall, I will keep you updated and keep this piece of bergy wisdom in mind :)
So I got in a twitter fight with Roseanne, about her being a racist and transphobic shithead, and that was weird. What a world, ya know?
ANN ARBOR PINUP TONIGHT YALL, I MAY HAVE TO BRING MY BABY TO THE BAR, APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR BEING THAT GUY.
@hallelujah I makes me so sad to see how not-cool Roseanne is these days. She used to be SO awesome. What happened to her?
@hallelujah That will just make the pinup easy to spot!
@hallelujah ANN ARBOR PINUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP (aka, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I say you bring him extra early and meet me for pre-bar ice cream cones.
@hallelujah Oh man I'm moving to Ann Arbor in a week and a half (!!), hopefully there will be another one soon!
@VDRE Aw, bummer! Look on the bright side: maybe at the next one we won't all* be sweaty melt-monsters.
*In fairness, it could just be me.
Been on a writing kick lately! I'm thinking of submitting to the Hairpin soon, actually. I expect to get rejected, but boy oh boy have I enjoyed writing lately.
I also met with the writer of the Peggy Paula story posted last week. Ugh, you guys I love writing. Share your writing with me so I can devour it with my dying eyes!
@mystique oooh show us some of yours!
all i have written recently is this long thing about diners in young avengers, i.e. it's way niche: http://alwaysalreadyangry.tumblr.com/post/55127788051/young-avengers-7
@tambourine AAAAAAH I have a lot of feelings about this and am linking my friend who is a Jersey diner aficionado AND a Young Avengers fan.
@mystique I can't wait to see what you have planned! I am pecking away at fanfiction, as ever, because that is the life I have chosen.
@mystique Yay writing!! I've been writing a lot more, too, although the majority so far is some prolific journaling and some poetry/fiction. Pecking away at blog-related things, though, so hopefully that picks up again.
@mystique I reviewed her book and I googled my review the other day when the Hairpin posted that story, and she apparently liked it and keeps quoting part of it! Exciting. I have also been on a writing kick and basically wrote a whole (super short board) book in the last two weeks, inspired by my hilarious nephew. Yay! Also, sorry other children's book I've been working on for four years and have still not finished (mostly because I'm trying to illustrate it too).
@anachronistique yay! haha i'm glad you like it. i have so many feelings about young avengers. and diners.
@mystique Ooh what will you submit!
On other notes, if you don't get a reply when you submit, should we just count it as a rejection?
At what age do pigtails start to look ridiculous on a woman? It's been really hot lately, and I find pigtails more comfortable than a ponytail. I know I shouldn't worry about what people think of me, but I don't want to look like one of those aging ladies who's trying to be young.
@fondue with cheddar As long as they're secured low at the nape of the neck, I think you'll be okay.
@fondue with cheddar When you don't have laugh lines? I generally think if you're dressed semi-casualness, it always has a perky elegance to it.
@fondue with cheddar I'm 31 and I wear pigtails a lot during the summer. No shame!
@fondue with cheddar I feel like I've seen many middle-aged-and-older women with pigtails (low, sometimes braided, sometimes not) and have never seen it look like they were trying too hard.
@fondue with cheddar When I had long hair (which I am desperately trying to grow back after a dalliance with short hair), I kept the pigtails low & they looked good (and were also less headache-y than higher ones.)
@fondue with cheddar Depends on how you're wearing them. I feel like two french-braided pigtails is different than two high pigtails on the side of your head (ala an Olsen twin in the 90s).
Sometimes I braid two pigtails and then tie them in a knot at the back of my head and pin them in place. It looks fancier than it is.
@fondue with cheddar I mean, Willie Nelson is rocking them into his 80s, so...
@fondue with cheddar Now that I'm growing my hair out I have firm plans to wear braided pigtails till the day I die. I mean, maybe don't pair them with a pleated miniskirt, and I think you're good to go.
@blueberry mary Yeah, I wear them low, just behind my earlobes. I wore high pigtails when I was five. ;)
@mystique Semi-casual is dressed up for me. T-shirt, jeans, and sandals is my wardrobe most days.
@fondue with cheddar For me, this is okay, but only with baseball caps or knit caps.
@QuiteAmiable I'm 39, which means I'm middle aged I guess?
@lookuplookup Fortunately for me, my hair slips out of ponytails (or any hairstyle, for that matter) really easily, so I never get ponytail headaches.
@blushingflower Willie Nelson can do no wrong. :) I don't think I'd braid them, though. They'd feel too solid and thumpy against my shoulders. But when I make the pigtails while my hair is wet they make cute curls!
@Judith Slutler I am also a big fan of braided pig tails! But I am young enough that my opinion might not matter.
@fondue with cheddar See, my hair is naturally curly (in a somewhat unruly way) so I find that braids work better than ponytails if I want to look like I can groom myself. But my normal hairstyle is "use hairtie to throw hair in messy bun/knot thing on head; take down, play with hair; repeat". But if I'm biking or going to yoga I do braided pigtails (more comfy for laying on the floor) and if I'm swimming I do one or two braids for ease of manuevering them into my swim cap.
@fondue with cheddar This is the reason I cut all of my hair off this summer for the first time. Pixie for life! (or until I change my mind again.)
@fondue with cheddar - Any age you want. They are especially useful for something like yoga, where they keep your hair back, but don't cause issues when you need to roll along your head. Or, maybe it's just me.
I feel like I might be a little confused about the difference between "braids" and "pigtails." To me "braided pigtails" would denote either:
a)hair pulled into two low pigtails, one on either side, using a hair elastic, then these pigtails are braided, and a second hair elastic at the end of the braid (four hair elastics in total)
b) two high, on-the-top-of-your-head-a-la-Baby-Spice pigtails, then these are braided and fastened with another hair elastic (again, four hair elastics in total)
If your hair is in two braids, one on either side, and the only place there is a hair elastic is the very ends of the braids, those would be "braids" and not at all "pigtails" to me. Yes/no? I wear braids a lot.
@Ellie Yeah, my definitions are the same as yours. Pigtails: loose, not braided. Braids: braided, tied only at the ends. Braided pigtails; tied at or near the scalp, then braided, then tied again at the ends.
@blushingflower Pigtails and ponytails are the only hairstyles I wear, and even then I hardly ever do. My hair slips out of everything, so the only way ponytails, pigtails, or braids will work for me is if I do it when my hair is wet. I put my hair in pigtails yesterday after it was dry and I constantly had to tighten them.
@fondue with cheddar : Don't know. Don't care. Pigtails are an elemental part of my pixie cut growth-and-chop cycle, so I will probably be wearing The World's Teeniest Pigtails until I croak.
As an wrinkly apple old lady with fuschia streaks in her grey hair, natch.
@OxfordComma You're going to be one cool old lady. :)
@fondue with cheddar : Aw, thanks!
it is like a MILLION degrees in london what is that about. it's disgusting and nowhere has aircon and i don't think i've ever sweated so much
also my doctor told me that for a MONTH i can't eat anything spicy, oily or acidic, and i have to have blood tests and shit to see if i have IBS or... something else? i don't know. what can i even eat now? help me!
anyway so yes, raze this week to the ground. i am glad it's done. going to listen to some spanish pop and try and work out if red wine is safe for me to drink.
@tambourine Red wine seems wrong for hot weather. You should be drinking a Pimms or something like that.
Are you coming to the London pinup next Friday? Hyde Park - princess Diana fountain. Bring you undercover booze. All welcome!
@tambourine Not if you have bad redwine and pour cola into it and drink over ice. The kalimoxto summer of 2010 was a pretty good (?) one.
@Tuna Surprise Love to join...what time and how will I find you? A fellow melting Londoner X
Hairpin! A little bit ago, someone commented on an Ask Polly more or less as follows: "You can explain all this to a stranger on the internet but not to the person you're married to?" I would love to hear from 'pinners how they've managed to say things to the one person who needed to hear them who was also the person it was hardest to tell them to.
@turnipgreens Early on, my husband and I had a lot of trouble dealing with an issue, and one morning he was like "Hey, I am going to make us both some tea, and then I think we should sit on the couch and talk about this issue. Is that okay?" We had tea and sat next to each other and talked it out, and it was the most grown-up and low-stakes way we have ever dealt with a problem. I recommend it!
@SarahP Having had terrible conflict-resolution discussions/near-shouting-matches in restaurant booths, I can attest to the power of sitting BESIDE someone when you're having A Serious Talk. Just being physically beside them, instead of opposite them, reinforces the idea the you're in this together, on the same team, and whatnot, instead of against them.
This is sort of a tangent but I think it makes a big difference!
@planforamiracle That is such a good point and I don't think it's a tangent at all. Some of our hardest/most important conversations we've actually had while driving, which not only lets you do the sitting-beside thing but made pauses feel less excruciating.
@SarahP You are, of course, totally right.
@planforamiracle Similarly, holding hands while you talk things out can help a lot. It makes the emotional connection a physical one.
@planforamiracle : YES. The Husband and I have had our most effective disagreements and resolutions while walking side by side. It keeps the tension out of the house, and walking somehow makes your body more relaxed.
Do any of you pay for your own health insurance not through you work, but as an individual? My work doesn't offer it, and I'm totally lost in terms of where to start looking. Any advice?
@blueberry mary My ex-bf was able to get a catastrophic care plan through Blue Cross Blue Shield for about $100 or so a month. Better than nothing, I suppose
@blueberry mary Yep. I don't know if I was as efficient as I could have been, but I tried to think of as many insurance providers in my area (CA) as possible—Anthem, Aetna, Cigna, Kaiser, etc. Then I looked through their plans, and tried to do as much talking over the phone as possible. It really depends on what coverage you think you'll need, and your own emergency budget. I was totally clueless going in, so using healthinsurance.org's glossary was a lifesaver—I finally figured out the difference between a deductible and coinsurance. I think.
@blueberry mary Not an authority at all here, but a couple of ideas:
Ask people you know who DO get theirs through work, AND like their plan, what company their employer uses. Then see what those companies' plans and rates and policies are like. Most large insurers have online calculators where you can type in some demographic stuff and get a very VERY rough idea of what kind of coverage you'd get for how much, but you would probably want them to send you a folder of info on their various plans to see what everything covers (you can also request this online). You probably don't need me to suggest that you read EXTRA carefully anything that has to do with your particular body situation (what do they define as a "pre-existing condition", for example). Also, check which doctors -- primary care and any specialists you might want -- in your area take those plans (you can just call their office or clinic and ask -- the receptionist will be able to tell you).
If you do any freelancing, independent contracting or independent creative work, sometimes there are group rates you can get through a freelancer's union or similar organization. Has anyone else on the thread done this and if so, what was your experience?
@blueberry mary I used this site: http://www.ehealthinsurance.com/ to find a high deductible plan for myself. It was...surprisingly easy. I settled on one that is about $70 a month through HealthNet--has a $5K deductible, but I'm in general good health, so I really only need it if I get hit by a car or get diagnosed with cancer or something.
@turnipgreens I'd very much like to know the answer to that freelancer's union question. Anyone out there doing that?
@blueberry mary freelancersunion.org does exist, and it looks like they have an affiliated for-profit insurance company, but I have no data on how good it is and it looks like it's not available everywhere. Maybe worth clicking around on while you're trying to also get information from actual people?
Obamacare is probably going to change all of this in a few months, though no one is sure how!
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I've tried to figure that out but all of this is Greek to me. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST DO THIS FOR ME
@all this thread is relevant to my interests lately, thank you guys for all the information! I know I wasn't the one to ask for it, but still.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Should I wait until Obamacare kicks in to start my insurance? Does ANYONE know how this is going to affect us?
This Times article probably gives as good of an explanation as anything: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/17/health/health-plan-cost-for-new-yorkers-set-to-fall-50.html
The big question is whether, with the postponement of the employer mandate, it's going to be possible to implement the remaining parts of Obamacare work. The Times article may be a little optimistic.
@blueberry mary: Are you in the US? Starting in Jan of 2014, the individual market is going to change A LOT. State-based exchanges are going to launch, many of which already have introductory websites.
@upupandaway I'm in NYC. I'm just trying to find out what is the best deal financially while still having some decent benefits. I don't go to the doctor very often, and I don't have any preexisting conditions, so I'd rather not pay a large chunk of my income to something I'm not going to use. I looked into the Freelancer's Union insurance, and their lowest PPO is $345/mo, with a $3,500 deductible. And the co-pays are $35/$55. Why should I pay for insurance when I can go to an Urgent Care if I need to and pay $150 flat?
@blueberry mary I needed to find my own dental insurance, and I looked to see if my alumni organizations had deals with companies. Check out your alma mater, if that's possible, or any professional organizations you belong to.
@blueberry mary Open enrollment for Obamacare begins on October 1. When that starts, you'll be able to fill out a simple application to see if you qualify for premium subsidies (which are paid directly to the health plan you choose, lowering what you'll pay out-of-pocket) or Medicaid coverage. You may also qualify for financial help for paying copays. You'll have a menu of plans to choose from, and coverage will begin on January 1, 2014. For more information about Obamacare in New York, you can check out: http://www.healthbenefitexchange.ny.gov/
Until then, you can go to Healthcare.gov to find and compare available plans (and to see if you qualify for any public assistance).
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll While the employer mandate was postponed for a year, the premium subsidies and Exchanges to help people shop and compare plans will still be available starting on October 1, when open enrollment for Obamacare begins. Also, all those great consumer protections we've been hearing about (no more pre-existing exclusions, no more paying more just because you're a woman) are still going to effect for coverage in 2014.
Because the employer mandate has been delayed for a year, @blueberry mary 's employer doesn't have to pay a fine for not providing health insurance (if @blueberry mary got subsidies to help her afford insurance).
@blueberry mary I am not in NY and this is all going to vary from state to state, but starting on October 1*, you will be able to shop for insurance policies online through your state's "exchange" which is just a fancy way of saying website-that-will-allow-you-to-compare-insurance-policies. (It's supposed to be like Priceline or something.) Unlike the shit show shell game that individual plans are right now, where companies purposefully mess with you by shifting costs from deductible to co-pay to co-insurance to premiums and making it impossible to compare, ALL plans on the marketplace are going to be categorized as platinum, gold, silver, or bronze. Bronze plans are designed to cover 60% of your costs (w/ higher co-pays and deductibles to make up for lower premiums) all the way up through silver to gold to platinum (higher premiums, lower out of pocket costs, should cover 90%). All plans will have to provide "minimum essential coverage," meaning that they provide all ten of the essential health benefits in the law (ambulatory services, ER coverage, inpatient hospital, maternity/labor/newborn care, mental health/substance abuse, Rx, rehab, lab tests, preventive care, and pediatric care.)
In addition to being able to compare and contrast the plans' costs, the exchanges will screen you to see if you are eligible for help paying for them. The help comes in three flavors: Medicaid, premium assistance, and cost-sharing assistance. If your income is under 200% of the federal poverty limit, or $1800ish/mo, you get Medicaid and you will have comprehensive insurance for very little out of pocket cash. If you are between 200-250% of FPL, you get help with your co-pays and deductibles and premiums, but still have to buy a private policy b/c your income is too high for Medicaid. If you are between 200-400% of FPL, you get premium assistance. All of this is based on an estimate of your 2014 taxable earnings.
It's complicated but every state is getting grant money to contract out to non-profits, churches, etc. etc. to train in-person assisters who will sit with you and take you through this process if you want. I am going to bet that there is not enough funding to hire enough people, especially in NYC or other big cities, though.
*Coverage will begin Jan. 1, 2014, so if you wait for Obamacare, you will not have insurance until 5.5 months from now
@charmcity Sorry for the novel!!!
@charmcity hahaha, we're navigators.
@charmcity No, thanks a bunch! Informativeeeeeee
@AMc Hahaha but sadly this is part of my job...sigh
@ElaineBenes I also used ehealthinsurance.com when I was buying gap coverage and it was super easy. Keep in mind that most long-term/ non gap plans don't take effect for a month after you purchase them. I have no idea what the implications of Obamacare are but I sure hope it makes things easier!
@blueberry mary Try going to an insurance agent. Prior to having to get my own insurance this last time, I didn't even know that was a thing, but it is. And they're free! (get paid by insurance companies, so I guess keep that in mind.) I was getting excluded all the time for a pre-existing condition and mine found a way to get me a decent plan!
I've been waiting for this all day because I need to anonymously vent to strangers. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding that is coming up in 3 weeks. This has been THE MOST frustrating experience. She cannot make up her mind about ANYTHING. I understand that planning a wedding is stressful, but really? We're three weeks out. I only know where the wedding will be held. That's really it.
@QuiteAmiable oy. That sounds so frustrating; it is so hard being in that position, where you know someone is stressed and you want/need to ask them things that will probably make them more stressed. Because it's making you stressed not to know the answers. Good luck.
@QuiteAmiable Oof, sorry to hear that. I'm going to be a bridesmaid for a lady who is wonderful on all accounts but the bridesmaid's dress she chose does not come in a size large enough for me to wear. Time to find a miracle tailor!
@QuiteAmiable Ugh and ooof. Here's hoping she hits the stage of "It doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be over, no one else cares that much anyway" soon. Any chance you or someone in the bridal party can help speed up that particular epiphany?
@klemay I'm a bridesmaid in a month's time, and my dress is ugly and $$$ (like, 500 $$$). That's all I've got right now. Oh, and her shower and bachelorette also cost me major $$$, cause she's got no one else to do this stuff for her, and she was not outwardly particularly grateful.
I love her to bits but I hate hate hate bride her right now.
@RNL Uggggggh. Hang in there.
Thanks everyone. I spoke with the Bride this weekend and got the details. I'm such a planner and she is not. I found out I'll have to take off work the Friday before the wedding... which I hate that I found out three weeks before. I hope my boss lets me off!
@QuiteAmiable : *guh* I coordinated a wedding for a bride AND groom who were like that. It took so. much. effort for me to not poke them in the eyes and yell for them to just MAKE A DECISION ALREADY.
...Then I met the groom's family, and it allllll made sense.
I'mma just post this again from last week:
Cibo Matto, three new songs, a new album is coming out, they are perfect
@Onymous I saw them... jeez, almost two years ago in Boston, and it was rad as hell, and I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS PROMISED NEW ALBUM.
@Onymous When I was 19 (this was about sixteen years ago now), I went down to Cambridge to see Cibo Matto with some friends, but when we got to the door it was sold out. So the only friend of ours with a ticket went in, opened up the back door for us, and we sneaked in. Also my friend Shannon (male) gave Sean Lennon a t-shirt he made with a collage on it of Yoko Ono and text that said "Yoko Ono Saved My Life" and asked him to give it to her. Sean was very nice! Oh, also it was a great show, obviously.
A Real GChat Conversation I Just Had With My Friend Who We Will Just Call Emily For Now:
me: emily emily emily emily emily
make it be five
Emily: but roxanne, the fot is here!
@Roxanne Rholes Hooray for FOT!
I like two kinds of rose: Vrac (I buy this at Sea Grapes in the Village) and Petite Pachon (from Frankly Wines on West Broadway)!
I am getting actually competent at bike riding, you guys! It helps that I mostly practice on a 3.5 mile ride home very late at night on deserted streets.
But Sunday I have to do 7 miles and it will be daylight and I'm kind of terrified, both of my lack of skills and of how sweaty I will be when I get to work.
@Lucienne Although I think I will have to ask someone else to pay my internet bill this month. I am so poor. So so poor.
@Lucienne YOU WILL BE FINE! Way to go on the bike learning. You rule. Let me know if you need sweatball bike commuting tips.
@Judith Slutler I dooooo. Mostly I'm worried about sun exposure, though. (I mean, sunscreen - yes. Obviously.)
@Lucienne Yeah, sunscreen! Also wear a tanktop, bring deodorant, and if you are me then definitely just wash your face and apply makeup in the work bathroom once you get there.
@Judith Slutler I think I might also just not wear a bra. I am small-breasted enough that it won't effect my comfort very much. I'll try tonight when it will be dark and no one will see me put it back on if I need to. :p
@Lucienne I am so gross when I get into work in the morning. SO GROSS. Agreed on the tank top, deodorant plan. I bring the face-wipe-thingies, too (some masquerade as make-up removers...). I'm also lucky in that I can go stand in the cold room and get my body back to a normal temperature before I have to interact with too many other people...
...but, YAY, BIKING! :D Good luck on Sunday – you can do it!!
@iwearaFEZnow I have never worked in a restaurant without a walk-in fridge, but I swear to god there isn't one at this place! Otherwise I would totally just do that. I think I might go early (my room faces east so I wake up with the sun anyway) and hang out in a coffee shop until my shift starts.
Boston Pinners! The clothing swap I proposed could be either the 28th OR could be during the weekend August 10-11. Any really strong preferences? I'm trying to save us a million "reply all" emails.
Also I will be giving away an ENTIRELY-SEQUIN-COVERED DRESS that is freaking amazing and should probably be worn while singing something sultry in a lounge but I guess if you end up with it it's up to you how you wear it.
@SarahP YOUR DRESSES ARE ALL AMAZING APPARENTLY
@SarahP Also I will try my hardest to make either swap, but the 28th is better for me. And I have a HUGE bag of stuff to swap!
@Roxanne Rholes Hmmmm, since I loved all of the clothes of yours that I tried on, I am leaning towards the 28th to try to make sure you can attend ;)
@SarahP Omg! I have been trying to organize one of my own for MONTHS. 28th! I have heels and jeans that fit weird and other things that aren't cool enough for Buffalo Exchange.
@SarahP I seem to be in the minority here, but August 10-11 is better for me! My mom is visiting on the 28th and she's super duper cool, but I'm not sure clothing swaps are her jam.
@SarahP the 10-11th is better for me as well because I think I may be going out of town this weekend but I'm not positive yet!
Relatedly, your dress would bring my entirely sequin covered dress collection to TWO so I definitely will try to make it.
The clothing swap will be August 10th! I sent an email to the group; if you're not on the list you can still find it in the Boston Hairpin Google Group.
You don't understand, this is an Alaïa.
@Lucienne An uh-whatta?
@Lucienne An ah-whutta?
@chevyvan @TheclaAndTheSeals It's like a totally important designer!
@Lucienne And I will TOTALLY shoot you in the head!
my ex bf got engaged and i have a raging hangover. happy friday!! oh and i watched clueless while painting my nails the other day. they only thing differentiating me from my 13 yr old self was the large glass of wine in front of me. IT WAS AWESOME.
I am back from a week long work trip that would have been great if it was not boring as hell & if I didn't drop my phone and promptly transform the touch screen into a spiderweb of glass (ughhhh $200 for a replacement phone WHY.) BUT ANYWAY, 20 Feet From Stardom opens up in my theater this weekend and I'm so going to see that & I get to leave work soon & am going to go home and dive back into The Lost City of Z, which is surprisingly captivating (though I keep getting grossed out by the descriptions of Amazonian insects burrowing into everyone's skin.)
@lookuplookup yes to "Twenty Feet From Stardom." That's on my list, too.
The power has gone out twice at work today. Going home in 13 minutes. Purposefully not doing anything important so work can't be destroyed.
@frigwiggin Our company is doing energy curtailment today, which means I'm sitting in the dark all day. But I guess that's better than losing my work.
Guysssss I have to leave work a little early to meet the plumber at home and while that SHOULD be awesome, I'm actually a little bummed I'll miss so much Open Threading!
Does anyone have suggestions of where to find a maxi skirt for a 5'2 person such as myself? Not the long heavy sarong-y ones, but the pastel-y, ethereal ones I seem to see everyone floating about in lately.
@lora.bee I'm 5'4 and Target + tailor is the only thing that works for me.
@lora.bee I'm a few inches taller but I have several from Old Navy that work just fine. Also -- JJill has some longer skirts in petite lengths. Last year they had some nice colors/patterns but I have made myself stop looking at maxi skirts before I become The Lady With All of the Maxi Skirts, so I can't say what they did this year.
@lora.bee could be pricey, but anthro usually has fantastic petite sizing for stuff like that.
I'll be attending the American Sociological Association annual meeting in NYC in a few weeks for work! Any soc 'Pinners going? I like getting to attend cool meetings and hang out in the big city on my company's dime.
@Emby Oh hey there, sociologist. I was supposed to go but my department sucks and is not giving me travel money (I'm technically staff, not faculty, and not in a soc department). I was going to just pay for it myself b/c my paper got accepted to a good session, but it was adding up to be way way too much. Would rather go on a real vacation! Have fun, tho.
De-Lurking for a minute to ask for some good vibes: I'm about to head to a job interview for what's basically my dream job, and I am freaking out! LIFE IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS.
@baumer eeeee! I'm sending so much positive energy your way. You're gonna rock it.
@baumer Good luck!!!
@baumer GOOD LUCK!!!! Sending millions of good vibes!
@baumer GOOD LUCK! You know everything you need to ace this interview and this job!
@baumer Fingers crossed for you! Knock it out of the park.
@baumer good viiiiibes!
@baumer good vibes heading your way!! You got this :)
@baumer I vibe well in your general direction!
@baumer Good luck!! And treat yourself afterwards, no matter what happens.
Thanks, everybody! It went really well! (I think?) Anyway, now for all of the beers and pizzas!
I spent $137 on TWO bras this week. TWO. Not even fancy ones. I mean, I aimed for cute-and-functional, but still. Just stupid fucking over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. Ugghhhhh.
@yeah-elle Bras are important! Where did you get them?
@yeah-elle Uggghhhh, this is why I only "treat myself" to one bra a year. What I wouldn't give to be able to wear a cheap ass bralette instead of the expensive, industrial strength bras of steel I have to buy. (This is the part where I beg people to tell me where you can find cute and affordable-ish bras in stupid sizes!)
@yeah-elle I spent $30 on one at Nordstrom Rack this week, and it seemed so great but after wearing it all day it is now definitely a little too small and smushes in weird places. If I had magic powers I would make trying-on bras that are exactly the same as been-wearing-it-all-day bras.
@yeah-elle If your bras are in hard to find sizes or just generally expensive brands (like Panache, Freya, Curvy Kate, etc.) I highly recommend brastop.co.uk (they ship internationally for decent prices) which is like a bra outlet, as well as the sales at bravissimo and retailers like that. YOu can get $70 for like $30 if you wait for the sales (and the return policy is great).
@Sea Ermine - or eBay! Not as grody as it sounds, just like for things that are NWT/New with Tags. I have eBay email me every morning with new listings of bras in my size.
@yeah-elle Don't feel bad! Please! For me? Stranger on the internet? I have large breasts (understatement) for my medium sized rib cage (36 F when last checked). For years I went and bought box bras since they were all that would fit. So I had ugly ass granny bras for a long time, while all my friends had cute bras with little bows and nice colors.
I got so pissed at how many stores didn't carry my size so I started hunting around for a good bra place and found Nordstrom to be the holy land for bras. I go every 2/3 years, get a glass of wine at the cafe, get carefully measured by the head of the lingerie department, and plop down AT LEAST $80 per bra. I get pink ones and frilly ones and black lacey-come-fuck me bras. Since I don't pay more then $15 at thrift stores for all my other clothes I consider this the best thing I can do for myself. A well fitted high-end bra has eliminated my back pain, the constant bounciness, and I feel sooo sexy. For my large breasted sisters I insist that bras are a good investment and you should never feel guilty for paying good money for better bras.
I get mine at Nordstrom because they carry brands (Wacoal, Natori) that make my size (32DDD...although I am wondering if maybe I should try a 30F next time??? Oof. That's a headache [backache?] for another time.) although now I am considering if maybe next time I should try one of those websites! The only reason I am wary is because I really do like to try things on myself first...cause, you know, even when a bra technically fits, sometimes you just don't like the way it feels, or it gives you cone boobs, or it's weirdly high-cut, or something.
So, word, ladies. I am all for throwing down on a good, well-fitted bra that looks good and feels good. But ughhhhh it's just rage-inducing that I can't just pick up a frilly fun bra at Target for $20.
@yeah-elle I wound up ordering, like, 11 million bras from Bare Necessities, which is another online bra store but they are U.S. based. And then I tried them all on at home and had plenty of time to decide which ones I liked and didn't like. Return shipping was only 6 or 7 dollars because bras don't really weigh very much. It took them a few weeks to process my return, but I just used the label that came with my order and dropped it off at the post office and it was really easy. So if you are in a position where you can let some $$$s hang out on your credit card for a bit, it's a reasonable strategy.
True & Co apparently has this thing where you pick out some bras and then they pick out some bras based on what you tell them about size and fit, and then you decide which ones you want to keep. I haven't tried it but obviously they are anticipating lots of returns. And they let you try on five bras at a time with a $45 deposit, which is easier on the credit card. Less variety the last time I checked, though. But reasonably broad size range?
@Beaks I didn't know about either of these services! Definitely going to look into them more...
@yeah-elle yeah girl. yeah. I feel you. My bras are *investments*. If you want to go bra-shopping in the Bay Area some time, let me know - I don't have friends with the same support struggles as my own and it's not as much fun with a member of the IBTC.
@stonefruit word! it can be a mini pin-up bra-up! i definitely think it could even be a fun experience if one went with a commiserating lady. however, now that i threw down for these two new ones, it'll probably be at least another 6 months before i get up the nerve to venture into the lingerie department again, haha.
@yeah-elle tooootally. I don't need new bras yet either - like, I only get bras when I am noticeably at the end of the shelf-lives of the current ones - but I will check back in an FOT before I go next time!
@yeah-elle : 28H/28FF here! What is your ribcage measurement? That's your proper band size, and it should be snug, but not tight. I saw marked improvement when I went with a smaller band--my tits were supported for the first time in their poor, saggy, Salvador Dali-ed lives.
@OxfordComma Ugh, yes, I'm thinking I should definitely switch to 30--my ribcage measures 29", and my bust at its fullest point measures about 37", give or take. I tried on a 30DDD bra and the band was great but the cups were too small, and I couldn't find any 30F/FF/G (SO CONFUSING) options at all...I'm thinking of maybe going online to a place with a good return policy, and buying a 30F/FF/G in a bra I already like/own in 32DDD and seeing how it goes.
My breasts are amazingly somewhat perky for their size for now...I am waiting for the mighty(ish) to fall. But goddamn, just that 30/32 change made a difference. I could literally feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders, oof.
@yeah-elle : Right? It was a revelation when I was told that your boobs are actually supported by the BAND, not the straps.
Vancouver 'pinners and friends of Vancouver!
I will be in your city at the beginning of August and I was wondering if anyone would want to share their favorite restaurants, activities, places to visit and things not to do? We only have a couple of days to spend, and it's my first time to Vancouver. Also helpful: I'm a vegetarian. The rest of my traveling party are not. Anything you can suggest down that path would be wonderful. Thank you!
@secret_targaryen @secret_targaryen Go to the Naam, it is a delicious veggie restaurant on 4th & MacDonald. Get the miso fries, you will NOT regret it!! There is another place called Heirloom on Granville, that's supposed to be good, and Acorn on Main.
If you want to just go for drinks, I love Six Acres in Gastown, and there are plenty of places on Main Street. Guilt & Co is also fun in Gastown, they have board games! Colony in Kitsilano is also good if you are in that part of town. Go to St Augustine's if you want a huuuge selection of beer!
I love to check out Kits Beach and then walk down 4th street checking out the shopping and eats! Sophie's on 4th has awesome brunch. The Eatery on Broadway in Kits has crazy sushi.
If you are there on the 9th, East Van Soul Club is always fun for dancing at the Biltmore.
@secret_targaryen If you like Shakespeare you might want to check out Bard on the Beach! I think it can get a bit pricey to go in the evening, but afternoon shows aren't too bad.
@secret_targaryen to ad to the above, Gastown at night is full of places to hang out from Chill Winston's to the Irish Heather. Granville St. South of Georgia, is the main clubbing district. Other things to do would be the grouse grind, walk the seawall (start at Denman and Davie), Granville island etc. depending where you're staying catch the Canada line out to Richmond and check out the hotpot, or bus the see to sky out to Squamish. But honestly the best is just to walk the streets of Vancouver, Main St. Commercial, Robson, Denman, Davie, West Broadway. Each one has it's own distinctive vibe.
@secret_targaryen There is ridiculously good vegetarian food everywhere. The Parker on Union St has beautiful gourmet veggie/vegan food, and it's on the cutest strip of shops/markets.
The Naam is a good suggestion and it's also 24 hours. It's in Kits and so handy to access after a day at the beach.
If you live in a place without good Japanese food, get it in Vancouver; it's the best place on earth for sushi. Octopus Garden by Kits beach is my favourite but probably whatever neighbourhood you are in will have a stellar spot.
You can rent bikes by the Seawall; it's nice to bike around and that way you can access Third Beach, aka the best hipster watching in Canada and also an extremely nice beach to swim at. Then you can see all of Stanley Park too, which is wonderful. If you're traveling with kids, the Vancouver Aquarium is fantastic.
For amazing cocktails: Pourhouse, The Union, the Keefer (all walkable from Gastown), Cascade for amazing polenta fries along with four-star cocktails on Main St. If you're traveling with craft beer nerds, hit up Alibi Room for the best beer selection.
For shopping-- Gastown if you like fancy boutiques and are not afraid to feel broke and unhip, Main St south of Broadway for cute vintage, Joe Fresh if you are not from Canada and would like to marvel at the affordability.
Do not do the Grouse Grind unless you are a fitness nut; it's basically walking up a giant outdoor staircase. If you want to do something exercise-y, go to False Creek and rent a kayak. Kayaking = way fun.
@secret_targaryen Oh also Granville Island, duh— amazing market but very busy.
@secret_targaryen There should be a Vancouver pinup!
You will seriously never have better coffee or sushi than in Vancouver. I envy you.
@no bricks & everybody If you can, go see Hamlet at Bard - I was at the opening and it is STELLAR. By far the best show I have seen there. (I used to work there, and wasn't a huuuge fan of all of the shows. But this one is AWESOME!)
The mud run I'm going to be in is next weekend! I am nervous and excited all at once! Any tips? It's a 5K. I already plan to hydrate well, get knee-high socks, and maybe some of those little jellies for runners to tuck into my bra.
@Heat Signature Okay, I'm seriously not a runner at all, but I did one of these last year with my sister. Other than the obvious don't-be-too-emotionally-attached-to-anything-you're-wearing kind of tips, I guess... just be prepared to have fun with it? There's really a sense of community there; it doesn't exactly feel like a "race" in the sense that it's more collaborative than competitive. Also, maybe wear a funny hat or something. My sister and I dressed as Waldo and Odlaw, and it was fucking delightful.
@farowl Oh, our team name is "Fifty Shades of Dirty" and we're wearing ties in additon to our running gear. I do think it'll be a lot of fun, but having never done one and just generally being adverse to sports (but I'm working on it) it's a bit nerve-wracking.
@Heat Signature Mud Runs are super fun! I walked a HUGE chuck of my first one, and unless you're in the super front of your heat, there will be a ton of waiting because there's usually a pile-up at various obstacles! You'll be really hungry afterwards though!
@Heat Signature : Have an amazing time! I did the Zombie 5K last October--walked a lot of it, when I wasn't sprinting from the undead hordes or vaulting over obstacles.
I can highly recommend duct-taping your shoes, just over the arches, and *definitely* duct-tape the time you are give--it's usually worn on your shoelaces, and they are super easy to lose in the mud unless they are taped.
I have gotten to go home from work a few times this week, which rules! The extra free time let me do the following things: I went to a beach in town with my friends, and also saw Shakespeare in the park, and also went on a maybe-date (which I would rather be a friend date) in which my friend picked me up on his motorcycle and we drove to a public pool nearby for swimming & lounging. This week has kicked my summer ennui BIG TIME.
I'm extra giddy because I'm leaving in a few hours to fly out to the Rockies for family visiting and a 5 day hiking trip with my mom.
Happy summer everyone!
You guys, I am having bad depression relapse times. I just don't know what to do because classes just got out, I have a ton more work to turn in, and I haven't done a thing this week. Like I am slowly crawling out of the hole, I ran some errands today, but I also feel like shit and accomplished nothing all week. I need to go to the doctor but that realization hit me 6PM today and I am supposed to be going to my boyfriend's town on Sunday.
Probably what I should do is just tell him I am going to have to see my doctor on Monday and I'll come Monday afternoon. This sucks. I haven't seen my therapist since Spring and I tapered down my meds and everything. GAH WHY
@Judith Slutler Why? Because depression loves to feed itself, like an ouroboros of suckiness.
@Judith Slutler I know I say this often around here and I know depression fog probably makes it sound so annoying and useless, but meditating (even just for 10-15 minutes, first thing in the morning) has really really really helped me with my depression and anxiety over the past few months (I have been unmedicated for a few years and talk to my therapist on the phone 2x a month). Also physical activity of any kind, even just walking around.
@Judith Slutler UGH I am so sorry.
This is just an encouragement to go to the doctor, like you said, even though depressed-brain may be telling you all the dumb, untrue shit that depressed-brains so often like to say.
@Judith Slutler Major hugs, if you want em lady. Depression blows, and it always seems to come back at the worst times for me. Definitely take care of yourself and see your doc, if your heart/head is telling you it's important. I always tell myself, hey, I'd make the time to go back to the doc if my *insert any other ailment* was acting up, wouldn't I?
@PomoFrannyGlass Nah you're right. It's good that I lived in my neighborhood during my 6 months of doing nothing besides being depressed, I have a mini-routine from that time and I can just be like "Hey remember when it was an accomplishment to get a soda from the cafe and go sit in the park? Looks like it's time to do that!"
However it annoys me to be back at this point. I know even "back at this point" is an illusion because I've come really far, but it feels like absolute shit to be knocked back on my heels like this.
@Judith Slutler I so hear you on the "back at this point" thing. Just know that it happens to all of us.
@Judith Slutler I feel you, honey. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of the house, I know at some point during this ordeal that probably seemed beyond impossible. It always helped me to take immense, totally ridiculous pride in getting up and doing some tiny chore like emptying the dishwasher... You gotta be your own cheering section sometimes because only you know how tremendous it truly is to do something besides lying around hating yourself. Ugh, fuck depression. Right in its stupid ear.
@Judith Slutler I'm so sorry you're going through this :( Would like to second RoxxieRae on giving yourself due credit for getting errands done. Depression brain loves to tell you "oh that's nothing really, look at all this shit you DIDN'T do you worthless loser," but the fact is that tackling anything on your to-do list when it is a challenge to get out of bed is a real accomplishment. This Internet stranger is proud of you :)
@Judith Slutler Oh girl. I'm sorry you're in that place! Having to juggle work, relationship needs and medical needs = no fun. Thinking good thoughts for you and wishing you strength.
@Judith Slutler hey there, sounds like you're able to see what's happening to you, and that pure strength. I admire you for reaching out! I'm sorry I don't know how to embed links but please google Ted talks Jane McGonigal and choose, the game that can give you 10 extra years of life. Related: her website, SuperBetter.com. These things helped me! Much more than the drugs ever did. YMMV, obvs, and I'm not advocating changing one's meds, etc. You know the usual precautions. We are with you.
So last Friday, I had a job interview for a job I really wanted--not really my field, but at a place I already loved, doing work that seemed fun, and with BENEFITS. I was one of only three people they interviewed. The lady interviewing me kept saying how nice my resume was and that I seemed very nice, but worrying that because it's not my field, I wouldn't stay long. I explained in depth why the job actually did interest me for the long-term, blah blah blah. At the very least, it seemed like she would look for a place for me in one of their other areas if they didn't hire me for the position I was interviewing for.
I didn't count on getting the job, but I have heard absolutely nothing, zip. And I don't have an email address for them or personal line for her, so I couldn't follow up.
Also, I'm slowly turning into an overheated slug thanks to the weather here. Waaaaaaahh.
@Faintly Macabre: My office is currently hiring a new employee, and it took about a week for us to interview everyone, plus we had to go through official channels, etc., before we could give an offer, so I don't think that one week is long enough for the silence to be a sign. Did you send thank you emails reiterating your interest? Do so if you haven't yet; hopefully you can sleuth out the contact info online, and then you'd have a way to follow up next week. Good luck! It sounds like an exciting opportunity, so I'll send good vibes into the universe for you. :)
@mysterygirl Thank you for the advice and good vibes! I'm usually very good about emailing, but I only have their anonymized Craigslist address and the general one from their website. I should have asked for email addresses from the people I talked to there (one encouraged me to call if I had questions, but that's not so good for following up) or just emailed the Craigslist address again.
They interviewed me one day and the only other two the next day, and said I should hear something by the end of this week. Since the ad is still up, I kind of wonder if they brought in a few more people after all. Even some update would be nice, you know? I'll probably call on Monday to at least let them know that I would appreciate them keeping me in mind for other departments.
So, I got a follow-up e-mail about a week ago to a job I applied to more than a month ago asking for some writing samples. I assume that means I made it to the second round of the process. But holy LORD is the process taking a long time. My impatience is driving me insane. Add the fact that my girlfriend is also applying to jobs and already got an interview—in a totally different city and part of the country from the one that I really want—and I'm going nuts.
@Emby I know the feeling! The interview process for the job I have right now took a month, and I waited a while to get contacted by them in the first place. Good luck to you, and I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead.
@Citizen Christy Thanks :)
@Emby You are not alone. I applied for a job mid-May, had two (2) phone screens and two (2) in-person panel interviews spread out over June and into very early July and I am still waiting to hear back. I contacted the HR rep earlier this week and she told me they are finishing up the last round of interviews this coming week and will update me with a decision then. This will make the whole process a little over two months long!
Employers are really taking the whole "hire slowly" thing to heart these days - and it is soooo anxiety producing. Good luck to you...
Hi Hairpin! This week has been great for me - The Newsroom came back on Sunday, I worked all at my new retail job, which I absolutely LOVE (yay for making money), and I got the day off yesterday which was great because it was my birthday! My dad took me out to dinner at Little Goat (if you're in Chicago, it's highly recommended) and just spent the day relaxing and trying not to over heat. And my mom and little sister are coming to visit the city next week; I'm really excited to see them.
Speaking of Chicago, when are we going to have another pinup? I've missed the last few due to work but would love to get together with you all soon!
Hi there! @Valancy and I had been thinking about this (okay she had ideas and I was offering moral support). She suggested Thursday July 25 in Wicker Park for a picnic and Jurassic Park (being shown by the parks department).
The movie starts at dusk, which should be around 8:30 that day. I'm guessing the movie will start closer to 9 when it's a little darker- if anyone has been to a movie in the park and has further details, please let us know!
@Valancy will be in the park from 7 onward to grab us a spot. Feel free to show up anytime. More details will be forthcoming about how to spot the Pinners.
To keep it simple, it's bring your own picnic, but @Valancy will be bringing a pile of popcorn to share, and I'll come up with something!
Here's the Google Groups post, to keep up:
@Aspiriationally Natalie Glad your week is going so well! Like Rock and Roll Ken Doll said: Pinup on July 25th! Please come!
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Your moral support was much appreciated! My inner middle-schooler/jerkbrain has been rather vocal about this whole thing: "Why are you planning this? No one is even going to cooooome." So knowing at least one other person thought it was a good idea was very helpful!
@Valancy @Rock and Roll Ken Doll I will be there! Now I just need to figure out what food to bring...
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll YESSSS! I totally had this moment today of going "I think Rock and Roll Ken Doll was trying to make some plans last week on the thread and I'm not on the thread early this week noooo" so hooray 'Pin-Up. Bonus points for the movie choice, as of course, Jurassic Park is also full of ladies.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll A Chicago 'Pin-Up might make the rest of this month meaningful to me...
...I'm hopping on to this thread to eavesdrop on all the updates!
@Aspiriationally Natalie Also replying to follow updates.
I hardly ever comment, but I love reading everyone who does. Can I still come?
@BethroTull Yes, of course! I just stopped lurking a little while ago when I moved to Chicago (and finally decided on a commenter name.) I'm looking forward to meeting more Pinners!
Hey so, I am still planning on this, I made a quinoa salad!
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll This is definitely still happening. Updates: I'll be there from 7 onward with a big white sheet to save us a zone. If anyone else has another outdoor blanket, feel free to bring it along. I've got short dark hair and I'll pop in tomorrow with a description of my outfit to make it easier to find me! I'm looking forward to the quinoa salad!
I hope you're all still planning on coming! Feel free to email me at valancy(dot)hairpin(at)gmail(dot)com if you have questions.
@Valancy Update: wearing a black skirt and a bright teal tank top and maybe a grey cardigan sweater if it's chilly!
@Aspiriationally Natalie For everyone that doesn't look at the Google Group: I'll be there around 7:30, wearing glasses & a burgundy cardigan and carrying a tub of dark chocolate brownies. Can't wait to see everyone!
Oh great, everyone else knows what she's wearing. I don't know what I'll be wearing, except it sure as hell won't be this tie anymore.
Blrghh. Good week of new job, bad week of relationship silliness. Questions that I'm sure most people have asked at one point or another: 1. Can you meet a romantic interest and settle down too young? 2. Is preference for (non)monogamy a make-or-break deal, or can people work through it? 3. How do I forget about this Other Person who has recently come back into my life, who I am fond of but maybe would never date and goddaaamn we have the best sex ever? Can I make him go away, please (even though I kind of don't want to)?
(also these things sound ridiculous written down.)
(Also also my old account decided to for some reason not work anymore [it was Elizabeth Grey, I think] so now I have a new one.)
@farowl Married person here who, you can see from up-FOT, is not perfect at it.
Is it possible that your questions are actually all the same question? Is the question "Do I want to (try to) stay with this person?" Because the answer to your questions 1 and 2 are both "it depends on the people, what is the nature of the people" and there are a few different answers to your third question but they all kind of depend on your personal answers to questions 1 and 2 (and possibly your answer to my proposed question).
@farowl re: settling down, you gotta figure out if it's about that person or about the concept of "settling down." Like, are you talking marriage and babies or just playing house? I've shared an apartment or two with a boyfriend or two and it's been good times, but none of them were a permanent deal (splitting the bills and the chores? dick on call? yes, please)... Marriage and babies, on the other hand...
re: the non-monogamy thing, eeeeeeeee... In my experience, the best anyone can ever do with that is PRETEND to be ok while repressing ALL THE FEELINGS.
As for the fellow with the good sex, it turns out that they DO go away... when you completely ignore them and don't think about them because you're so in luuuurrrrrrve with your current. And if you don't want him to go away, maybe you should still be focused on the types of good times that are generally easier for a single lady to have? P.S., it is really ok to end a relationship because you want to have good times that are more conducive to single life.
If you feel ashamed or secretive or regretful about stuff, it's worth examining and taking measures to resolve.... that shit will eat you alive.
@farowl - Non-monogamy is totally doable. Many people do it wrong, which is why it can blow up. The people that do it right? They get by under the radar, and no one even knows. You probably already know people doing it successfully, they just don't advertise the fact.
@empathicalist I should have clarified- it is DEFINITELY do-able, but if one person is already uncomfortable, that can make it really sticky and weird and sad.
Throwing a surprise birthday party for Mr. Citizen tonight. Really hope it goes off without a hitch, or at most five hitches. It is the hottest hot it has ever been outside, but that's OK because I get to go to my favorite pub tonight (Stag's Head in Manhattan--go there!) and then celebrate the 30th anniversary of my husband's birth!
I recently decided to start watching Veronica Mars because I read so much about the up-coming movie and really wanted to know what all the fuss is about. And ohmy, I do love it so! I don't know if it's 'so 2007' to talk about a show which ended six years ago but I just have so many feelings. The intrigue! The snark! The epic love! The heart and soul in every word!
So, yeah, I'll just be in my corner, crushing over Kristen Bell who is everything. Everything.
@Helvetica I watched it for the first time a couple of years ago on Netflix, and no joke, I called in sick to work the next day because the end of season 1 was SO EXCITING i literally could not wait to finish it. It's SO GOOD!
@Helvetica IT IS THE BEST!!! I write fiction for the youths and I learned a ton about pacing and plot arc from the first season (plus the Television Without Pity recaps). It's also my go-to rewatch after breakups.
@Helvetica Ahahahahaha, that is one of the best GIFs I've ever seen! His hair was truly a character unto itself. Amazing.
And yes, KB/VM is absolutely everything.
@PomoFrannyGlass The AV Club had good recaps too, IIRC. I watched VM for the first time a year or so ago, and loved it! Although by the end it got a little hairy - but I loved the characters so much I couldn't NOT watch.
@paper bag princess I'm 2,5 seasons in and I have to say, as someone who watches crime shows on a regular basis and can almost always tell whodunnit, I had no idea for either season 1 or season 2. And I was just blown away both times because it was so good and surprised me and yet made sense in the end.
@Helvetica Oh god, VERONICA MARS. I rewatch the whole thing through maybe every other year? Veronica is everything. I also have a massively soft spot for Weevil.
@yeah-elle And Wallace? Such a good friend, I mean, really, one of the greatest.
(See also: Mac)
@iwearaFEZnow Mac and Wallace are great friends, I love them to bits. Also, I unashamedly watch it for Logan and Veronica's bloodshed-lives ruined-epic relationship because they really bring it. And heavens, the spoilers I've seen about the up-coming movie are really making me anxious.
@iwearaFEZnow YES. Also, I just saw the snippet of a preview and Percy Daggs III has grown up just fine. JUST FINE.
Plus, Tina Majorino looks amazing with that haircut!
Anyone else listening to Welcome to Night Vale? I'm just getting into it after seeing a a ton of fan art on tumblr. It's a Lovecraftian, borderline-absurdist, "community radio show" podcast about a community where things like glowing clouds that dump small animals from the sky are normal. Also featured: dog parks we are not to speak of or look at, congregations of hooded figures, and the beautiful and perfect Carlos (I'm only about 6 episodes in but trust that most of the fan art I have seen is of Cecil and Carlos, and it's intensely adorable even with my limited knowledge of the two men.)
I was skeptical after the pilot but I couldn't sleep last night and listened to a bunch. When Cecil began to question his very existence and had to call an intern into the studio in order to ascertain if he was alone in the universe I pretty much became devoted.
@breccia I just starting listening to it yesterday because I've seen so much of it from Tumblr (and I'm pretty sure all those Tumblrs are Pinners)! I've heard the first two episodes and I giggle all the time.
@breccia I just downloaded the first few, but I haven't yet had a chance to listen. I'll be flying on Sunday, they might make good airplane listening.
@breccia Aaah yes, Night Vale makes me so happy that I had to stop listening to it because I didn't want to catch up. I'm perfectly sensible.
I actually did a gushing rec post on my tumblr last week, and I love that the NV fandom is on tumblr because it didn't take long for it to be my most reblogged/liked post. I love the love for the absurdity.
@breccia Seriously, I have no idea how this suddenly blew up in like the past month. But I'm about... a little less than halfway through, and I enjoy it tremendously. I just have problems listening to narratives. But it's great.
Also, if you like the music from the weather, someone kindly wrote up a list of all the songs.
But yes! I like it a lot, even though I'm a giant wuss about horror, because... it's really a comedy.
@anachronistique I think it's absolutely perfect that it blew up on tumblr (and i'm sure elsewhere) out of the blue.
now i'm waiting for it to get dark so i can go sit alone and listen to more episodes.
NYC Pinners! Don't forget there is a Beachup tomorrow at Rockaway beach. Come die of heat exhaustion with me!
There is also a mini pinup tonight, at 6:30 at LIC Bar. I'm heading after work so I'll probably be there early, around 6pm. Hope to see you all there.
Help I am getting married in about two months and I still don't know what I'm going to wear.
Relevant info: outdoors, low-key/minimalist/simple, fifteen guests, prefer bright saturated colors, especially green or blue or purple, although not totally opposed to white, around a size 4 petite. Please suggest pretty dresses that I can at least ogle? I'm capable of and interested in making something myself, so fabric suggestions are welcome too.
@dephlogisticated BHLDN's bridesmaids dresses are pretty delightful! I totally would have considered them but they don't make my size. I'm getting married in two months also, & I'm wearing a long sapphire wrap dress meant for bridesmaids. So much cheaper!
@Emby that dress is everything
@allofthewine I don't know, it's missing bacon.
@Emby Extra points if the groom dresses like the Hamburglar?
@RK Fire Bacon Fascinator. Done.
@RK Fire bacon bouquet!!
@dephlogisticated My sister is wearing this Anthropologie dress to be my maid of honor in a couple weeks, and I luuurrve it: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dress-occasion/26861146.jsp
@dephlogisticated Ann Taylor has lots of bright color dresses in petite sizes, and depending on your budget has lots of event type dresses in proper materials like silk that might be up your alley.
Also, going to Nordstroms/ other store with good salespeople and telling them what you told us should get you thrown into a dressing room with all the dresses you'd ever want to try on ever if that's a route you're interested in.
@dephlogisticated : First--panic not! You are going to be just fine. I can highly recommend BHLDN (Anthro's bridal site)--particularly their bridesmaids' dresses for stunning gowns in quality fabrics and beautiful colors.
Have you considered looking for prom dresses? They are sometimes exactly the same as the Standard White Dress, but in amazeballs colors, and waaaaay cheaper.
Also, offbeatbride.com is your jam for all things non-traditional wedding related. Some of the best commentariat (outside of the 'Pin, of course) on the interwebs.
Pinners, I need help with some boy trouble. I feel ill-equipped to handle it since I'm married and have been out of circulation for over 5 years.
I've been going to Trader Joe's every Monday morning for the last few months. Like literally, roll out of bed, pull back my hair, throw on the clothes that are one step up from PJs and go to the store because it's not crowded first thing during the week.
In the time that I've been going, I've gotten to know one of the employees. He's very friendly, seems like a cool person and never fails to greet me with a "Hey, beautiful." I chalked this up to him just being nice because when I see him I'm an unwashed chubby lady in leggings.
On Monday this week, we chatted about movies while he worked the tasting station. When I was in line to check out, he came up and gave me his number with a note to get in touch if I wanted to go to a movie sometime.
I have lots of mixed up feelings about this. I'm super flattered, a little embarrassed, guilty for not letting him know I was married, regretful that this kind of thing didn't happen when I was single.
This kind of thing has never happened to me before so I'm not sure if I'm just being vain by thinking he's into me. I'm not sure if this is an invitation to be friends or something more?
@lobsterhug Those last two words, minus the question mark.
@Emby Right. Ok. So, my plan is to mention my husband the next time I talk to him. Good plan?
@lobsterhug I understand all those mixed up feelings; seems reasonable! And yes, he wants something more.
ETA: And yes, tell him you are so flattered, but you are married. Good plan!
@lobsterhug I agree with Passion Fruit. I totally understand the flattery feeling. Happens to everyone. But yes, definitely mention that you're married next time. It might be a little awkward. But in the long run, it's the less awkward option.
@lobsterhug You could do it like that or you could do it more directly, like, "I'm so flattered that you want to get to know me better, but it can't be in a romantic way, because I'm married."
More awkward for sure! But also more direct and communicative, and kind of acknowledges some of the reactions you are having without putting any pressure on anybody about it.
@lobsterhug I'm not married but not single, and a nearly identical scenario actually happened to me pretty recently - a guy at work who was on a temp contract and he and I would often chat about movies while I washed my oatmeal bowl at the sink his desk was near. When his contract ended we exchanged email addresses to go to a movie together or something; he asked me if I was single in a casual joking way, and I replied that I wasn't but would still love to go to the movies sometime. Since then I've gone to the movies with him and friends of his and had an absolutely fantastic time (I didn't bring my boyfriend or anything). If you enjoy chatting with him and would like to go to the movies and chat further, I think it's fine to do that, I would just also mention that you're not single in a casual and friendly way.
@all This is great advice. Thanks! I am terrible at human interaction.
And tipsy googling reveals that he is married! Crisis averted.
My best friend from college is coming to visit this weekend! We're going to get drunk and brunch tomorrow. I took the day off today and was amazingly productive despite the heat. Now I'm just drinking wine and hanging out with the cat waiting until 7. My internet is being a turd and I can't like any of your comments (FUCK YOU TIME WARNER).
Also, I bought my ticket to visit Colorado in September!
I'm watching Deep Space Nine while I work from home and it's making this past week feel a little less awful.
Awful because my husband's health insurance is trying to tell me that my gallbladder removal was due to "preexisting conditions" and they don't want to pay for it, so fighting that is nice and fun. Except how it's really not. ALSO the cost of that insurance just went through the roof since his employer was covering 100% of it and now they've decided due to costs that they'll only cover their actual employee so all spouses have to pay out of pocket... so I'm having to research some self-insurance alternatives until I can enroll with my employer (open enrollment is at the end of the year). Fun fun fun.
Sob sob sob.
In other news, I'm seeing The Heat tomorrow with my mom, sister, and future SIL @heckyes (look at my little brother, making good life choices!), and then we'll be eating delicious food together. I always like delicious food.
@Scandyhoovian That is completely ridiculous. If you haven't already, I would check with your HR department about whether getting kicked off the insurance you were previously on counts as a "life event", which would mean you could enroll outside of the open enrollment period. It counted for me when I got kicked off my parent's insurance when I turned 26, so maybe it could count for you? Worth a shot anyway.
I will never understand how the insurance companies managed to con the American people into accepting that a 'pre-existing condition' was a good reason not to let them buy insurance. I mean, blah blah free market, capitalism is the best, etc. But for real, that should be a crime.
@Scandyhoovian yes to what @highfivesforall suggested about "life event".
@highfivesforall @victorian rose Well, I wasn't *kicked off,* I'm still on the plan -- the trouble is that when I was getting covered previously by my husband's employer, we are now responsible for the cost of my part out of pocket. It's his employer, not the insurance company that's messing with it. And I already looked to see if "cost of insurance" was a life event on my own company's plan and it is not :(
I honestly can't understand how "pre-existing conditions" has ever been a legally condoned thing to bar people from insurance with. It's so immoral that it just... ugh. Gross. GROSS.
A few weeks ago I made some peanut butter m&m cookies and made sure the last batch was in the oven right about the time pseudo-boyfriend would be arriving, the idea being that 1) I would impress him with cookies and 2) He would want to stay longer because my apartment would smell like cookies. And then I realized I was using a dating tip I learned from Clueless in sixth grade.
(But you guys, it worked though!)
@PowerAnimal Aww, honey! You baked!
@PowerAnimal Hell yeah it worked! I would marry someone who made me peanut butter m&m cookies, probably.
@PomoFrannyGlass I mean he was impressed and it made him stay, but he's still just a pseudo-boyfriend, so.
I went to my college orientation yesterday. Ugh. Any tips on not feeling like a loser at university? As someone who never made friends my own age I am way out of my comfort zone when it comes to socializing- I ended up having lunch with one of the mothers there and really enjoyed her company, but I want to hang out with people my own age without feeling lame/unwanted, ya know?
@Palmetto Everyone feels lame/unwanted/needy when you first get to college. This will sound so trite that you'll be like "yeah yeah whatever", but take classes you're interested in, join clubs, and get involved. When you share interests with people, you have an immediate bond. Also, find someone (on your hall? in your dorm?) to go to meals with. Even if yall don't stay friends, buddying up with someone in the first weeks makes a huge difference to feeling at home.
@Palmetto Everyone else is worried about making friends too! If you're too nervous to approach people, try looking as friendly and approachable as possible and people will come talk to you. Like, wear a cool t-shirt or carry something interesting that people can ask you about as a conversation starter. Or if you see someone else wearing a cool shirt, go ask them about it! The good part is that if you have an awkward encounter with someone, everyone is meeting so many people that they probably won't remember one awkward moment.
@Palmetto I don't know if this is at all applicable to you, but one of the things I regret was going home so much. I lived an hour away. Most of my friends were still there or within comfortable distance. I left almost every weekend that Fall. I don't know which came first - the finding it hard to make friends or going home.
Also, ditto to joining groups.
@allofthewine Join clubs!!!! Especially one's that have a social aspect to them, so you can actually meet people in the club. For me, joining my schools hispanic student groups was sooooo helpful in meeting people. Also, take a wide variety of classes at the beginning, especially if your major is small, that way if you don't like the people in your main course of study you have opportunities to meet people outside of it (also, the best kinds of friends can be one's that have very different interests than you do).
The other thing to remember is to keep your grades up in case you need to transfer. I don't mean to scare you with this (you'll be fine and wont need to transfer) but when I found out my school was a horrible fit (socially and academically) I reacted by doing poorly in class which sort of trapped me there. My situation was a weird one though, and I doubt it will happen to you.
@Sea Ermine That's such an overlooked point. I looked into transferring a couple months in and I really wish I would've gone ahead with it. Before I got too bogged down with sadness and apathy.
@pajamaralls Oooh and related to this, if you are at all in any way feeling down or frustrated by your situation see a therapist as fast as you can. Usually you can see them for free through student health (you may need to try a few to find a good one, which is why it's best to start early. Maybe even before you start having issues just to chat). The 99.99% of the reason my grades crashed and I couldn't transfer was because I was super depressed about my situation. I think a good therapist would have helped me to avoid all of these issues before I started (that, and the 'pin wasn't around then so I had no internet friends to keep me company).
@Palmetto Also! Don't forget you don't have to limit your friend hunt to campus. Try joining groups in the surrounding town (even if you do meet people through school this is a good idea, especially if you end up staying in town for a few years after college). Or through work! Work study is usually the best deal for this but really any off campus job is a great way to meet people (and if you can hold onto it all 4 years it's a great way to have something paying to hold onto after you graduate). If the town is small see if there is a nearby city you can take a bus into, for both work and fun on the weekends.
ETA: Omg also PINUPS!!!! See if there is one in your city through the google groups. If not email me (seaermine at gmail dot com) once you've got more settled into the town and you can host one and I'll put it in the roundup. Since you're underage (I'm assuming) a restaurant that serves alcohol is the best bet, so those over 21 can get their drink on and you don't have to worry about being carded and can just chill with the appetizers. OH MY GOSH or a cafe even better. Pinups are the best solution to any social issues (or as a super fun addition to a bustling social life).
@pajamaralls I went to college at what ended up being some sort of secret commuter school full of groups of people who'd been friends since kindergarten and weren't too keen on letting anybody else in. I went home every. single. weekend. the entire time I was there because it didn't seem to make a difference if I was on campus or not, I still didn't have any friends.
But Palmetto, that was some sort of freaky mutant college, so the advice about not going home every weekend is generally quite sound. I didn't start out attending freaky mutant college and I have very fond memories of weekends in the dorm at my first college.
@Sea Ermine Are you me? Did you fail the same math class twice?
@Palmetto In addition to the other fine advice: don't panic if it doesn't all fall into place right away. You may see people the first week walking arm-in-arm as if they have been BFFs for life. They are probably as insecure as you are and just found someone to be their barnacle buddy. I didn't really find people I solidly clicked with until... November, I think. But then everything fell into place and I met one of my best friends and we still talk almost every day, ten years later.
@all thanks so much for the advice everyone! I'm definitely getting a part time job once I get settled in, and will look into clubs (and Pinups :) ) I hope once I actually start classes I'll be too busy to catastrophize and assume everyone else has already found their place.
@Palmetto I'm late to this but orientation for me was the WORST. THE WORST. Weirdly humiliating and maybe the most anxious day or two of my life. I wasn't the best at making friends in college but I definitely did fine, and none of actual college was like orientation.
After attending my best friend's grandfather's funeral and dealing with the aftermath of my brother's bombshell that he is leaving his wife of 19 years due to a 3 month long affair, I want to crawl under a rock. Instead, I'll just can beans and pickle peppers. Yes, pecks of pickled peppers...
@TheMissus I'm sorry to hear about your troubles! I recently bought some spicy pickles made locally and they are a balm for the soul. Vlasic used to make "mexicana" pickles with chili pepper but I haven't been able to find a good name-brand spicy pickle for awhile. I love them, pickles.
Netflix is now 2 out of 3 for original programming. House of Cards was GREAT, Hemlock Grove was SHIT, and now Orange Is The New Black is GREAT. Three episodes in, and I know I'll be devouring more this weekend.
@bevrockin SO INTO Orange is the New Black.
@bevrockin I just finished OITNB yesterday. How adorable is Bennett? How TERRIBLE is Laura Prepon in it, I mean really?
@blueberry mary Bennett is very sweet, but I don't know how he's going to fare (DON'T TELL ME). I am just loving how they are telling the stories of the inmates via flashbacks. I think it's a good way to flesh it out and not focus too much on Piper.
@bevrockin Ditto, got up to episode three last night before I had to force myself to bed... I LOVE IT. How fucking cool is it to see so many women on a show? OLDER LADIES! FAT LADIES! LADIES OF COLOR! TRANS LADIES! LESBIAN LADIES! It's fucking great.
@bevrockin I marathoned House of Cards and then OITNB immediately after. Can't wait for second seasons. And the finale of Orange! *not spoiling*
@Briar Holy fuck the finale! Ugh, as soon as it was over I was like "nooo, I need more. Mooooooore!!!" *wails of anguish*
Which is really funny, since I wasn't really into the show when I started, but now I am super hooked, and where is my fiiiiix?!
@blueberry mary What I finish watching and go to bed dreaming of Laura Prepon being my lesbian drug running mentor lover. Every night.
@RoxxieRae : I was the post PA on that show!
(Consequently, I cannot view it with any semblance of fairness, since I heard the dialogue every day, ad nauseum, as my desk was in the editors' corners. UGH.)
Fun fact about Laverne Cox (Sophia)? Her twin brother plays the part of Sophia prior to transitioning.
I was so, so impressed that we actually cast a transgender woman for the part of a *gasp* transgender woman.
Also, those actresses are lovely people in person--which is always grand.
@OxfordComma I was wondering how they filmed that!
I recently decided to break up with a friend because she doesn't consider herself a feminist. Am I being crazy? She is/was a good friend. And to not be too nuts I've just decided to slowly phase her out [not call as much, tell her I'm busy, etc] but I have a feeling she's going to confront me about it one of these days.
I don't hate her, I just want to not be as close to a lady who doesn't want consider being a feminist an important issue.
@Ladies Who Punch Is it just the label of "feminist" that she rejects, or does she actually hold antifeminist beliefs? I have friends who don't call themselves a feminist but have similar beliefs as me, and I'm ok with it. But if she's anti-choice or doesn't believe she should be paid equally to a man, I feel like those are totally legit defriending reasons.
@Ladies Who Punch I think it is totally reasonable to decide you don't want to spend a lot of time with/energy on a friend who doesn't share your core values.
@Ladies Who Punch As with a romantic breakup, any reason you want to friend-break up is a good enough reason.
If her approach to the world is eroding your respect for her, then why stay friends?
@Ladies Who Punch If you still otherwise enjoy each other's company, can you do a scale back instead of a total phase out?
@Ladies Who Punch Seconding what @paper bag princess said.
@paper bag princess When I was like "wtf?!? You don't think women should be treated equally?" she just responded that she thought that was just common sense. While I agree that feminism ought to be common sense, the fact that she doesn't see that there are still things that need fighting for [77 cents for every dollar] troubles me.
@blushingflower & @turnipgreens Thanks for that. I feel bad though & that's what bothers me I think the most. The guilt. The Jewish Guilt.
@TheLetterL I think it will have to be a scale back. I helped her get a job at the company my husband works for some months ago. I couldn't stop seeing her all together if I wanted to. Another thing that bugs me about her is I don't feel like she ever thanked me for getting her out of the job she hated. She was hating working retail & I helped her for more than a year to find a new job. And I don't mean just a "hey thanks for that" but actual actions. I know how much she is making & a nice dinner isn't going to hurt her.
@Ladies Who Punch Don't feel bad - from what you've expressed, if she doesn't think these things are worth fighting for (or still need to be fought for), then yeah, your core values are different and it's okay for that to be a deal breaker for you (it is for me).
@Ladies Who Punch Blerg, I support your defriending / scaling back. Life's too short.
@Ladies Who Punch I broke up with my best friend about nine months ago, and I know how touch/weird/awkward it is to try to phase out a friendship. We were best friends from the end of high school to the beginning of senior year of college, and it was tough. My problems with her stemmed mainly from her religion (Southern Baptist). She wouldn't call herself a feminist (and she wasn't), was vehemently pro-life, and she thought I was ultimately going to hell (I'm queer), even though she liked my personality.
I stopped replying to her texts/calls, stopped texting/calling her, and then eventually deleted her off of Facebook. Last I heard, she was bitterly complaining to anyone who would listen about not being in my wedding (I was her maid of honor, and I'm eloping next winter).
Breaking up with her was the best decision I ever made.
@Llllauren Ugh, I'm sorry. Any "best friend" who legit thinks you're going to hell is no friend at all.
-I've started lifting on my own at the local Y because I can't afford crossfit anymore. I've started doing Wendler 5/3/1, and I'm a bit nervous about going up by 5lbs each cycle for my bench and shoulder presses, but other than that, lifting for only an hour instead of two hours is going really well. I also get a little uncomfortable being the only woman clanging a barbell on the floor. (only deadlifts, obvs) Are there any Pinners who've done this programming? Did you play around with your increments for the presses?
-My husband started his new job this week! He's been under or unemployed for the past year and a half, but this i the first job where he feels like there's a strong likelihood that they'll pick him AND that he'll enjoy staying at. It's pretty exciting for both of us, although it means that we are now readjusting our division of chores at home.
-It's hot as balls out.
-Is anyone else missing their Hairpin email notifications?
@RK Fire Have you checked your Spam folder/inbox? That's where mine were going for a while until I told gmail what's what.
@klemay I have not, and I'm embarrassed to admit it. :( It's so bizarre though, since normally gmail happily sends it to my Updates tab. WTF, gmail? I swear it just started doing this this week.
@RK Fire I'm lifting with the Texas Method right now, which is kicking my butt, but we topped out on Starting Strength and are still seeing slow gains with this routine. My husband and I have a squat rack at home and lift here with a friend three days a week. I'm very glad to be out of the "only lady in the weights area" gym full of staring.
We'll probably move to the Wendler program once we've gotten all we can out of this one. I'd love to hear how it works for you!
@RK Fire Mine have disappeared too this week, and they are not in my spam!!
@MrsTeacherFace Lucky! My husband and I live in an apt or otherwise we would have probably gotten a squat rack by now. Some friends of ours are thinking about creating a barbell club/co-op dealie in the mid-future (two years) so in the meantime we're all trying to figure out places to lift. They can still afford to go to the crossfit where I met all of them though, but we just can't swing it any more, even though the equipment and coaching is present.
I think Wendler works out really well when you're in a normal gym with only one squat rack. ^^; It can be as short or as long as you want it to be, which I really appreciate. The idea is that you're focusing on four main lifts: shoulder press, bench press, deadlift, and squat. The original plan (and what I'm doing right now) is lifting four times a week, focusing on one of those lifts per session. That way I don't need to fight for and sit in the only squat rack the entire time, and I can be in and out in an hour, as opposed to the 2+ hours I normally did (three times a week) when I was doing oly or SS or anything else.
It seems like most people on the internet have gotten antsy about only focusing on one major a lift per session, so there are all these variations with assistance exercises and whatnot. Other main keys seem to be a focus on going for max reps at a set weight, with the idea that over time you'll PR in your 5RM, thus meaning gains in your 1RM.
I was actually looking at Texas Method, but was really concerned about the logistics of trying to do it at the Y! This is my first week though, and I can definitely update as I go. I'm also on fitocracy too, if you use that.
@lora.bee Mine were in my spam, but I still don't understand why they were moved there after years of receiving email notifications properly.
@RK Fire I have really liked the Texas Method and have yet to reach failure, but it's pretty exhausting. We do three different lifts per day, three days a week, and on our 5x5 day (Monday) my husband and I often crash at 9pm. It doesn't help that I'm also trying to cut calories and lose weight, but so far that hasn't kept me from making my lifts. I don't think you would have a problem doing it at the Y; we do fine with a squat rack, olympic bar, weights, and a bench. What's your concern?
@MrsTeacherFace I'm concerned about monopolizing the squat rack since it's the only one and every time I've been in there, there's usually at least one other person is using it, or just finished using it. I suppose I can always work in with said person, but person is usually a dude who is significantly taller than me. Maybe it's because I'm used to working out at a place with 8 squat racks and a place where I'm friends with everyone, but I'm realizing that I'm a little shy now when it comes to sharing the only squat rack in the weight room.
Of course, there are four benches. o_O
@RK Fire Ugh, yeah, that could be annoying for other lifters on your 5x5 day. If you ever did want to try it, you could always be on the lookout for the day most people don't lift (usually Friday?) and do your 5x5 set then.
Also, does anyone have any tips for getting quick part time work (or any work). I think I've posted about this before but my boyfriend has been unemployed for 7 months now and despite applying to many many jobs the he's had 0 responses (well, there was one form rejection email but that's it).
He alternates (one day on, one day off) between applying to jobs he's qualified for and he would like and jobs that are just random filler stuff and temp work, but right now I think it would be good for him to focus on the filler stuff just so he can at least get something to fill in the gap on his resume. The problem is all of his work history is in admin work and farm labor and we live in NYC so the farm labor is a no go (and also he has a lot of back and knee problems from years of that anyway) and admin jobs are one of the many types of jobs that pass over his applications. He's signed up with 4 different temp agencies that he keeps in touch in regularly (all agencies that I had great experiences with last year) and hears nothing from them.
If anyone knows of any part time work that's pretty easy to get/requires no experience that would be so awesome. He has a BA in chem and has a background in admin work and would like to end up doing something for a university or non profit, but right now anything would be great. The one requirement is that it has to be paid work. I know that volunteer work would be the best thing right now both because it's easy to get and because non-profit jobs like to see it but he doesn't have to buy metrocards for a job that wont pay him.
Also if anyone here has any leads for entry level office work, I promise you he'd be perfect for it (he's a fast learner, is amazing with excel, and has great references for previous office jobs and work study experience).
@Sea Ermine Also, I apologize if my post was kind of spammy, I'm just getting kind of desperate (as is he). Plus, I figure other pinners are probably in a similar position and maybe the answers could help them too.
@Sea Ermine: He should register now with governmental websites, since they can take a long time to process. Also, maybe tell lots of people you know IRL about job seeking? Networking never hurts (much). Otherwise, it seems like he's doing the right things. Re: farm labor, maybe try fancy grocery stores or CSAs? They might like someone who knows a lot about food.
@upupandaway What do you mean by governmental websites? Like usajobs? Or some sort of job search thing.
Grocery stores seems like a great idea! His farm work was in transporting bales of hay to different farms (for their horses), so not much food stuff but he loves food and grocery stores seem like they'd be flexible with what kind of experience they want, as long as you're reliable. Thanks!!
@Sea Ermine I know nothing about job hunting in NYC so this may or may not be helpful but something that really helped my recent months long job search go from no responses to actually getting interviews was reading Ask A Manager. http://www.askamanager.org/
She really helped me see the process from the point of view of the hiring manager.
Good luck to your boyfriend! It's hard out there right now and frustrating to be doing all that applying and hearing nothing back!
@Sea Ermine Too late to edit but it was meant to say "can't afford to buy metrocards for a job that wont pay him" not "doesn't have to".
@Valancy I'm obsessed with her!!! She made a huge difference in my job search last year (to the point where I may have printed out some of her articles and combined them with the cover letters I wrote after reading her stuff and presented it to my boyfriend in a packet). I will encourage him to go back on there and see if he can get more tips.
Haha yeah it is frustrating. I don't understand why it's so hard for hiring managers to just send out a quick "sorry you didn't get it" so that at least people know their application was received.
Might be a stretch if he's never taught before but I just stumbled upon this. Couldn't hurt to apply, right? http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/edu/3945032681.html
@Sea Ermine Have you tried Craigslist "Gigs" section? It's not for full-time work, more like, "Hey, we need somebody to enter data into these spreadsheets for the next 10 days. $10/hour." Or, "Hey, I need help weeding my garden. Can pay $8/hour at 10 hours, tops."
You have to wade through a lot of junk, but something to think about...
1) I am super pleased with the increasing number of posts about race issues (Trayvon Martin, The Things They Carried). Thanks VERY MUCH for that.
2) Please, please, please bring back the "Ask A..." series. We miss it!
@Passion Fruit Yes to both of these!!!
@Passion Fruit I know this was Jane Marie's thing, but I reallllllly miss the Beauty Qs too. :(
@Passion Fruit I have so many beauty questions :( And it seems like the Sephora workers here in Canada aren't as well trained as the American ones...
@klemay me too! We need a new Hairpin beauty person.
@Judith Slutler Agreed. *whispers* I haven't even moisturized today. Save me from myself, Hairpin
@Passion Fruit YES I miss the Ask As.
@Passion Fruit and if they don't want to do "Ask As.." I'm really down with there being a forum for us to hate on Dear Prudence's advice. I need someone to discuss the crazy with!
but also: I feel like the website is starting to aim really aggressively towards twenty-somethings, whereas before it had that slant a bit but also had voices from other age groups. Only aiming to twenty-somethings is pretty boring -- it makes me less and less likely to click through and read things. It would be really nice to have more of a conscious mix!
@beanie I am happy to report I wrote to her a couple of years ago and told her her columns were pandering. She wrote me back some mash about audience interests. I found her to be tone deaf.
Interesting, I haven't noticed the 20-something slant, probably because I am still in my 20's, but I believe you. What articles do you miss? Or what articles do you think spoke to a wider age range?
OH! Another contributor I miss A BUNCH is Carolita. Homegirl, where are you? Where are your drawings and stories? I will haunt every FOT until your return!
Finally, for some reason, the website wasn't letting me log in with my Twitter account.
Is anyone else playing Shin Megami Tensei IV? Have been rabidly playing it this week. I think my town in Animal Crossing is suffering for it. Oops. Only so many hours in a day.
@celeec4@twitter I have exactly this same problem. (Good thing my town has the anti-weed ordinance enacted.) It is so much goddamn fun and a lot more intuitive than I thought it was going to be. Thank you for talking me into getting into this series!
@camanda Ditto the anti-weeds ordinance! Still, I had a villager walk up to me and be all, hey ladybro, I haven't talked to you in X days, I just assumed we were fighting. orz
I'm super-relieved that you are enjoying SMTIV. It's not for everyone, and anecdotal evidence seems to be that someone either loves it, or hates it with a passion.
Think it helps a lot that uh...as brutal as the tutorial beginning is, the game is very clear about how the mechanics work. (Like, kudos if you didn't accidentally wipe out your party at least once while wandering around unprepared, I did a few times).
@celeec4@twitter Rowan calls me "ladybro"! I love that!
I have to admit I totally turned the difficulty down as soon as it gave me the option. The third tutorial quest was kicking my ass so hard that I think I gave up like 40 Play Coins bringing myself back to life, in the span of half an hour. I don't care, I'd rather be able to get through it, and even with the lowered difficulty there are still a lot of moments where I'm like OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE. Which is half the fun of any game with a battle system, obviously.
I know a lot of people took a chance on it because of the $30 Club Nintendo promotion with FE13, which is a bit worrying because it's so niche I'm afraid people are going to get turned off too early and never give it a proper chance. At the same time I hope a lot of people are pleasantly surprised. I'd really like to see SMTxFE get a North American release and this thing selling well would go a long way toward that. The reviews I've seen are really pretty positive, lots of 8s to 9.5s.
@celeec4@twitter I only have a DS at this point and just got Animal Crossing Wild World for $10 at a yard sale and I cannot. stop. playing. It's gotten to a 20 minute binges at lunch, avoiding coworkers so I can play type of addiction.
I'm thinking about breaking into my "saving for a TV" money to buy a 3DS XL and New Leaf just so I can be up to date and actually visit towns that people didn't finish 5 years ago.
(That being said, anyone out there play ACWW and want to swap friend codes? I haven't sorted out the whole wi-fi thing yet but I would if I had someplace to actually visit.)
@camanda So long as you are having fun! Really don't get people who are elitist little shits about difficulty levels and stuff. Games are supposed to be fun. It definitely helps a lot that I've played a pretty decent number of other spinoff games, since the demon selections overlap, I don't have to play the process of elimination game for which demon's weak to what, too much.
SMTIV is a game where I worry for it a little, because it is such a different beast than a lot of what's current in the market right now. Feel like I've seen a lot of, whoa- this isn't Persona, reactions, and that makes me sad because it really is a great game on its own and different merits.
@A. Louise Get a 3DS XL, never notice your TV again. For realsies. XD Pretty sure I haven't turned on my TV in weeks by this point.
@celeec4@twitter Right? Exactly. Same deal with people who think a game's length and graphics are the only things that factor into its quality, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.
@A. Louise DO IT DO IT DO IT. Get a 3DS, that is. New Leaf is a ton of fun and there are a lot of other great games out for the system already, plus all the ones due to come out within the next year. Join us!
@camanda It's like they don't want their friends to enjoy new things that might otherwise be strange and frightening. Which...is baffling.
Honestly? I think that system limitations forces developers to try and convey their story/mechanics in a cleaner way. Can't begin to count the number of menus and extraneous details I gave up on reading in PS3 games because everything was a prettified and nigh-unreadable without getting up from the couch and kneeling in front of my TV.
@celeec4@twitter I agree. Fire Emblem's a perfect example of this -- Intelligent Systems has always made do with the limitations the technology set for them, and the games have great stories, great characters, bitchin' music, and graphics/artwork that have actually aged pretty well (Holy War's portraits are terrible and the "cutscene" after Chapter 5 totally undercuts the drama of the situation, but the maps are beautiful and Thracia 776 manages to improve on everything else despite being on the same system). And when the game is objectively a visual masterpiece, they don't sacrifice everything else in the name of it, viz. Radiant Dawn.
And re: the length of the games, I don't mind a long game; I don't always have time for one, but I'm not morally opposed to them. I just hate that that's such a trend that it's forced developers to unnecessarily pad games out. I've put 230 hours into Awakening at this point, but that's mostly bonus content, and grinding that I felt like doing but that was hardly required, making it slightly less tedious. That's fine. 230 hours to get through the main campaign of any game would be completely absurd, and that's a difference it seems like a lot of people don't get. It's related to game difficulty for me, since I actually like to finish a story before I lose interest, and a hard game isn't necessarily a good game, or hard in a good way.
Ah, my rambling got out of control, sorry! I just beat The Sacred Stones so I kind of have Feels right now about this sort of thing.
@camanda Ooooh, eff Radiant Dawn, I ragequit that game so many times with the stupid-long battles. Do not have time for that shit. Maybe once I get the monies together/find a laptop that suits my work/life needs I'll play Holy War and Thracia 776 in uh...my nonexistent spare time. orz
Agreed to all points on the game length thing. I think that it matters less the length of game, as does what they do with the length. Like, the Ace Attorney games? Short little games (relatively speaking, when we're talking about my usual tastes in game selection), but oh man do I love every moment and choice in presentation.
Never apologize for the rambling. Love having someone to chat with about my favorite niche-est of games. (whyyyyy are all the rest of my gamer friends guys with FPSs? Whyyyyy.)
@celeec4@twitter Aw, I love Radiant Dawn! But if you thought its battles were stupid long, avoid Holy War. There are only 12 chapters but some of the maps take 4-5 hours to get through. Not even kidding. It's a ton of fun but that would be why I'm only on the second chapter.
Exactly! This is what I mean with The Sacred Stones -- it's such a good story and the characters are awesome, and having two routes to play through plus the postgame content improves its replayability. But everyone's like, "That game sucks, it's too short and easy," and I'm like, "But that's not the point!" Also, Ephraim's route on Difficult? It's no Hector Hard Mode, but it's hardly a walk in the park, either.
Ditto! Except I wish I had gamer friends. Forever alone. At least there is always the Internet, for better and for worse.
@camanda Radiant Dawn is a game I like and dislike in equal measures. I enjoy the story and the little asides, but seriously did not have the time for how long the battles were. Also, I think I accidentally FUBARed some of my growths, so if I want to finish the last chapter, would probably need to restart entire game. orz
Don't get the hater-ade for The Sacred Stones, the characters are cute and it doesn't punish you unduly for RNG destruction of your characters.
Hahaha, I got into FE via The Blazing Sword, and tiny noob me was SO massively unprepared for the spike in difficulty that was Hector Hard Mode.
(Also, I hate that I have to justify my hate for FPSs? Can't we just accept that I find them boring? Why do I have to bring up the nuclear option of, no- seriously I will be nauseated and vomit all over your couch?)
Anyone in Baltimore want to work for Charm City Cakes? http://www.charmcitycakes.com/news/2013/Jul/19/general-manager-charm-city-cakes
@raised amongst catalogs Yes, but only if Duff isn't there. Everyone else I love.
Crafty, handy, and otherwise creative pinners- tell me about your current projects! And any tips for making yourself actually finish projects that have been 98% done for months?
@SmartCookie Promise someone (or someones) that you'll bring them something you've made.
@bevrockin I had a whole bunch of sewing projects that were just silly (hemming things, taking things in, etc) and I just sat and said "Today I'm going to sew, but I can't sew anything new/fun until I finish all this...stuff." and lo and behold, they're all done.
Otherwise I am working on making summertime tunics but all the fabric I bought online is super sheer. And I'm debating what to do with some pretty linen-blends I picked up a couple weeks ago. Maybe an a-line skirt, because I need another pencil skirt like I need a hole in my head?? I'd like to make a blousey-shirty-thing out of it but I'm not sure it's really the right fabric for that. I'll report back....in 3 months when I actually finish it.
@bevrockin My project for this weekend is finishing the curtains I promised my sister when she moved. In April! Also the dress I'm sending her as a surprise. All I have to do is hem the curtains and finish the armholes.
@SmartCookie Well, get at it, girl! Your sister is going to be HEARTBROKEN if you don't hurry and finish.
@SmartCookie Mine are all house-related... I just turned part of one wall into a chalkboard wall. It's 98% finished, as it is missing a pretty gold frame I intend to paint. I'm stuck on choosing a cool design. It's really fun, though, to have something temporary on which to make art. Next project is spray painting the roller blinds i bought for my living room... I have no advice for finishing, lol... i suck at that part.
@SmartCookie another question for you crafty people...how did you get started with the craftiness? I so want to sew, but don't even know where to start! Internet searching? Sewing classes?
@SmartCookie Both! I took a one-off class (made a weird sized bag thingy) and now I watch videos, read tutorials, etc. When I don't know what a term or method is I just google that too. I'd look into a class in order to get the basics down, but there's a wealth of knowledge on the internet that I've been able to take advantage of!
@polka dots vs stripes Ok, another stupid question...where do you find such classes? I've been looking in my town (albeit it's a small one), and even in the "Craft Center" they hold classes for everything except sewing, it appears.
@mrsnurse Do you have a local Joann's or other fabric store? Is there a big city nearby that might have independent fabric stores? If you REALLY wanted to get into it, some community colleges have classes too, although I would assume those are more time consuming/expensive.
Where-ish in world (is Carmen Sandiego) are you - maybe other Pinners can help?
@polka dots vs stripes Oooh fabric stores, didn't think of that. I'm near Sacramento CA so I'm sure there are some there. Thank you!!
@mrsnurse Try out stores in SF/Berkeley, if you're in that direction! Otherwise I think the Joann's in Arden-Arcade has some classes.
@mrsnurse If your Joann's doesn't have anything that fits your needs I would check out if you have a local sewing machine shop that might have classes. Otherwise, local parks and rec depts and libraries often have classes. Or do you know any old ladies? They often have crafty skills they'd like to pass on.
@SmartCookie I'm also looking into getting more craftsy, I want to do something when I'm watching tv. Is crocheting easier than knitting? Is starting a scarf going to be a Thing that hangs over me when I never finish?
@SmartCookie The dress is done! (I highly recommend the Washi Dress pattern.) One curtain is done! I should be able to finish tomorrow night.
@Briar Basic knitting and crocheting are both pretty easy. Maybe watch a youtube tutorial for both and see which makes more sense to you. And with both you can spend a half an hour or half a day on a scarf depending on what yarn and needle/hook size you choose. Go big for your first scarf! Almost instant gratification!
I started Paleo again two days ago. I did it very successfully last year (and ended up dropping about 70 lbs, although have gained some back, of course, after stopping), so to increase my incentive, my BFF and I have signed a contract saying that we'll both stick to the lifestyle, and after an agreed upon 3 cheats for the year, if either of us go past that, we're required to give $250 to a charity of our choice.
Smart? Suicide? CAN I DO THIS?!
@blueberry mary - Holy moly! 3 cheats a YEAR? You are a badass!
@blueberry mary YOU CAN DO IT!
I do paleo as well but am not nearly as committed as you will be. I do think that three cheats a year is really harsh on yourself, but so is paying $250. So quick question to consider (and one I need to consider more): what are your barriers to eating paleo? What makes you want to break the diet? Is there anything you can do to overcome those things?
I mean my biggest weakness are Really Crunchy Things. I'm not even kidding. So my go to is plantain chips. ^^;
@blueberry mary what counts as a cheat? I think many paleo practitioners aim to follow the diet strictly 80-90% of the time, so 3 cheats a year sounds draconian.
@RK Fire We've got a couple exceptions (including certain cheeses, any and all salad dressings, some alcohol including wine, cider and tequila, and diet sodas), so I think it'll be doable and I know how to do it and was successful at it. This is just a ploy to get me to stick to it and finish what I started.
I miss living near a Trader Joe's. It helped soooo much when I did it last time.
@blueberry mary Aha! Yeah, those exceptions will definitely make it easier. You can definitely do it. :D
I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been looking, applying and interviewing since August and I really started to think I had nothing to offer ANYONE. In the midst of my celebration and jittery excitement about doing something new and meeting a bunch of new people, I want to tell everyone who is frustrated or discouraged that you WILL get a job and it will even be one you like, with people who are awesome. Keep your chins up, all.
@raised amongst catalogs congrats!!!
@polka dots vs stripes Thank you!
@raised amongst catalogs Congrats!
@pajamaralls Thank you thank you thank you!
@raised amongst catalogs CONGRATULATIONS!!!
@RK Fire I LOVE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE.
@raised amongst catalogs YEAH you did! Hooray for you!
@raised amongst catalogs Congratulations!! You give me hope and the House gif makes me happy.
@Faintly Macabre AAAAAH, I just read your story of interviewing upthread. What a rotten feeling it is, just not knowing but wanting something so badly. I'll be thinking of you and I hoping you get the job. You deserve good things!
@raised amongst catalogs AHHHH!! All of the Congratulations to you!! Well done!! :D
@raised amongst catalogs I am SO happy for you!!! Thank you for the kind words amidst your so-well-deserved joy. Your success gives me hope.
@raised amongst catalogs Ahhhhhh.... just what I needed to hear right now. Congratulations!
@raised amongst catalogs Congratulations! That Lucy gif is just perfect :)
@raised amongst catalogs : YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, crafty ladies. I have a cut crystal vase from my mother that I would like to display in my home, but I would not like to put flowers in it. Any ideas? Since it's cut crystal anything of visual interest needs to sit above the top of the vase, so stacking ornaments/pinecones/etc, while nice, doesn't really work.
What should I look for at Michael's/Joann's/etc??
@polka dots vs stripes - feathers? dry reeds? (OK I don't know what they're called, but they're basically sticks that I see in vases at ikea) colored bits of glass? seashells?
@polka dots vs stripes My first thought was decorative reeds as well, but I don't know how good that would look with cut crystal. You might just leave it empty, and group it with some other cut crystal.
@polka dots vs stripes pussywillow.
@polka dots vs stripes Branches? I have a vase full of pussywillow branches but I know that's totally not everyone's thing. Cut crystal is so pretty on it's own I'd be tempted to leave it empty and find a way to back light it or drop one of those fake candles inside.
@bevrockin Ah, the day I own more than one piece of cut crystal is very, very far off. Feathers are an interesting idea....I wonder if there's something I can add to the reeds to sort of build up their volume? Hm.
@RoxxieRae Ahhh I had some song in kindergarten about pussywillow I think? I dk ever since then I've had an affinity for it. I might have to check that out.
@polka dots vs stripes If you're not opposed to a little greenery, and depending on the size of the vase, you could put a little container in the top and get a small plant to live in it. I'm imagining something with tendrils that will fall down the side of the vase and contrast the crystal with a little organic color.
@polka dots vs stripes I just think they look so elegant and design-y. I'm probably a hundred years out of date on that feeling, but whatevs.
@polka dots vs stripes Peacock feathers? Or maybe really nice looking fake flowers?
@Valancy Greenery would be nice! I just don't want to a) participate in the flower industry and b) worry about changing gross water all the time and c) spending the money on flowers regularly.
I wonder if instead of something that needs water, though, putting succulents on top like that?? Hm...
@polka dots vs stripes : Buy your flowers wholesale if you can? Grocery stores and their ilk seriously mark up their prices.
An air plant or peacock feathers could look aaaamazing!
I just wanted to report that this week I had my second appointment with a therapist, which seems to be going well so far, AND made myself an appointment with a primary care doctor whose receptionist was quite friendly and did not make weird assumptions about why I wanted an appointment, insist on having an answer for why I wanted an appointment, and then berate me for having the wrong reasons. (Crazy, right?) I am so glad I got over the fear. It's (obviously) not a magic fix for everything that's wrong in my life, but just knowing that I am doing SOMETHING to help myself instead of sitting at home slowly drowning in a pool of self-loathing and failure is already helping me feel a bit better.
...Not that I will necessarily need this, but how does one "break up" with a therapist kindly and effectively? That was one of my biggest barriers to trying to set up an appointment with someone, the fear that I would choose "wrong" and then not know how to get out of it. It has happened to me once before and it did not go well. The lady was NOT happy that I wanted to quit; she told me that my impressions of the aspects of her treatment style that were making me unhappy were "wrong," tried to get me on the hook financially for future appointments I did not want, and basically tried to bully me into staying in treatment with her. It was....slightly scarring.
@Lurkasaurus UMM she sounds like the worst. A therapist should be able to hear "I don't think this is working for me" and not freak out. You don't have to give any other reason.
@Lurkasaurus Look sometimes therapists ARE BULLSHIT. It happens and I have my own scars from it. Just know that it isn't about you and that person had no right to do that to you.
I found it really helped me to make a report to the medical board, even though I doubt anything came of it.
@Lurkasaurus Oh, I am SO sorry that happened to you.
If you would just like to flat-out avoid the conflict the next time, this is what worked for me a couple of different occasions (and still works with my current therapist when I don't want to make a new appointment at the end of the current one because I don't know when I'll be able to pay for a new one).
"I'm actually going to be going out of town for a couple of weeks on business, and I know I'm going to be slammed when I get back catching up with people. Can I call you and set up a new appointment when things have settled down? I'm worried I'll forget to cancel/forget I had an appointment in the midst of all the madness."
And then just never call that awful woman again. Avoidance! Sometimes it is useful!
@Lurkasaurus That's awful. You should be able to tell the therapist it's not working out/don't have a connection/whatever and they should've stopped bugging you there. When I left my last therapist, I just didn't schedule any more appointments and then told the scheduling people I wanted a different therapist. Well, actually, I talked to a really cool nurse who recommended someone to me. But yeah, if that ever happens again (I doubt it) just keep saying it didn't work out until crappyshittynogood therapist stops. Or leave.
@Lurkasaurus I'm with Judith Slutter- report that person to a medical board. You were abused. Also, well done on getting away from that. You rule!
Y'all, this is so dumb, but I've a loose opal for like 2 years that came out of my mom's ring, & months and months ago she asked if she could get it back so she could fix it. I had NO IDEA WHERE IT WAS & have been avoiding looking through all my stuff because I was terrified that I'd thrown it away since it was in a little folded up envelope (<--SMART MOVE). I'm going back home for a visit tonight, & she specifically asked me AGAIN to bring it, so I spent 4 hours tearing apart everything I own and I FOUND IT! It has been stressing me out for months, & it's over. Also, why do I do this to myself? I could have done this months ago. Ugh.
@one cow. *I've HAD a loose opal.
@one cow. hahahaa this qualifies as VICTORY!
@one cow. Congratulations on finding it! The frustration of "this inanimate object can *not* have walked away on its own, what did I do with it?" is a feeling that makes me want to punch something or cry. The added pressure of mom guilt might have broken me!
So this is weird but I trust you all more than I trust craigslist and I see so many posts lately about people looking for work and so it feels uncomfortable to sit on this opportunity. Is anyone in the LA area looking for a bit of work? It's simple data entry and it pays and you can do it from home (but you have to come to pick up surveys from me over the next few weeks). It's especially good for someone who is interested in education and/or criminal justice work and in keeping with our organization's values, someone who hasn't had a lot of opportunities in the past would be preferred. You can reach me at cateacherfocusgroup(at)gmail(dot)com
This probably sounds weirder, but I have a good friend in LA who might need the work. I can mention it to her, and see what she says, if that sounds ok to you. I promise that she's intelligent, reliable and has a sociological degree.
@geek_tragedy I think that would be swell. It's only one project right now but if I found someone good, then there might be more to come.
@milominderbender I also have a friend who might be interested!
Sorry about the delay, I'm not even sure you'll get this, but I passed on your information to my friend, who seems interested. She'll be getting in touch with you shortly!
Candy Crush vent thread, anyone? I'll start. Fuck you, level 70.
@RK Fire Yeah, level 65. I am very close to giving up on this game, although I'm still playing every day at this point.
@RK Fire 125 has been the bane of my existence for three weeks and counting
@MrsTeacherFace Level 65 was hard, but what drove me nuts was the last quest to unlock the next episode after level 65.... that was my bete noire of my candy crush saga week.
@RK Fire I have been on level 70 all week and it is IMPOSSIBLE.
One time I came within ONE JELLY of winning but I refuse to pay for any of the extra moves shit so I still lost. :(
@paper bag princess The way I try to approach a level is by focusing on a given strategy, "kill all of the caged candy," "focus on horizontal eliminations" but I can't figure it out for this level! I think it's to make as many striped candies as possible to kill the jelly in the annex, but it's so hard to do with such limited space.
@RK Fire So far what I've been trying is getting horizontal striped candies to take out both rows of chocolate BEFORE breaking the cages. But sometimes it takes me a really long time to get horizontal striped ones in the correct places.
@RK Fire I'm on 97 and I Just. Can't. Do it.
@RK Fire I've been stuck on 76 for a couple of days now and - though I know I say this about every level I get stuck on - it is THE WORST and I'm sure I'll be on this level until the day I die.
But at least there's no chocolates in this level.
@RK Fire I JUST finally beat 65 after weeks and weeks of suffering. I'm sure the next annoying-for-everyone level will get me in time, but I'm just glad to have that crap over with. I was getting so sick of it.
BFF texted me yesterday to inform me she had to get a tooth pulled because she hasn't been to the dentist in ten years. Go to the dentist, people!
So this is me and my disproportionately bad luck. Back in February I bought my sister a watch as a birthday gift. She loved it and wore it all the time. Well, last week at work, she took it off and set it on the counter, the one time she didn't put it in her bag, and someone stole it. It wasn't expensive but that's hardly the point, which is: people are assholes. I felt bad for her so I said I'd look at work and see if we had another one. I looked yesterday, and we did, and it's marked down $10 cheaper. So, that's lucky, right? I knew I was going to get karma-reamed for that, though. So of course today I go out after work to run errands and I get in the car and the goddamn thing won't start, a month after I paid $400 to put a new starter in it. /sobs WHY ME. My coworker's retirement party is next Sunday and now I don't know if I can afford to go because it'll probably cost me two paychecks to fix whatever the fuck this is. Nice things, I cannot have them. Sigh.
Vent over. I'm off all weekend, so there's that. Work's been stupid stressful and I'm exhausted all the time, hence being quiet here. Hope it's a good weekend! Stay cool, folks in hot places; it's been brutal here in New England.
@camanda :\ Sorry to hear, yeah this is not a good week for anyone, really. Feel like everyone is having a crummy week.
Apparently I'm a walking EMP generator or something this week. Everything around me keeps running into issues. Except for my 3DS. Nintendium for the win. Yeah, I need to scrape up the money to buy a new laptop. Yaay?
@celeec4@twitter Ugh, that is the worst. Money is fun, especially when you don't have any. Sigh.
@camanda I say you can have nice things. To hell with these circumstances. Did the shop that put your starter in offer any kind of customer protections? Can you ask them to do a courtesy inspection?
@Myrtle Oh, yeah, they did. They're good about that. Thankfully I don't think I have to take it back, at least not for that. My dad looked at it and tightened/cleaned the battery connections and it started right up. I took it for a drive and made three or four stops and didn't have any problems. So at least it's not a starter issue, though I wonder why the battery connections keep getting loose -- the shop tightened them for me when I brought it in for the starter.
Also, CLUELESS! <3 <3 <3 About 1/4 of my inside jokes with my sisters are from Clueless. I quote it literally every day. Favorites include:
"Di, Would you call me selfish?" "No, not to your face." "Reeeallllyyyy??"
Hey y'all, you may remember that I rent my garments most bitterly for several months over turning an experience I had with an old lying friend into a coherent narrative. Well I did it! And it's up on The Toast, if you're interested - http://the-toast.net/2013/07/19/the-fabulist/
DENVER let's hang out c'monnn
@Danzig! This is super last minute but if you want to do another pinup for July email me this weekend and I will put it in the roundup that I'm sending Emma (better late than never?).
@Sea Ermine It's always last minute, isn't it? ;) But yes! September 2nd or 3rd? Meetapossum will be here so we should definitely have an official shindig.
@Sea Ermine When are you sending the round up? We're having one in Chicago next week and I'd love to get it in the round up if it's going to go up before July 25th. Thanks!
@Danzig! Let's stick with the Pin for this because my interwebs is being especially wonky with the Toast. (Ah, the tragedies with two colliding internet worlds!) I think the 3rd might be better because people may have Labor Day plans on Monday.
@meetapossum Oh damn I was looking at the wrong calendar! What about the 6th/7th? Then it's weekend drink time.
@Danzig! The 6th would be better for me because my flight out on Sunday is at 7am (hahahaha :( )
@Danzig! I'm back from much adventuring on the 3rd and could be persuaded to come enjoy myself by the weekend!
@Danzig! I'm so late to this thread but what the hell, I want to register my interest in an early September pin-up anyway. Also, I had my baby, you all! (thus my inability to post on the FOT in a timely manner). She's great and I am sleep-deprived, so pretty standard newborn stuff.
@Danzig! Wow, congratulations are in order!! Wonderful news.
@Danzig! hahaha yes I am always late with these, I'm new at this! Anyhow would the 6th be ok? And do you have a bar and time I can put you down for? I want to get it out today, because I just realized the CHicago pinup is tomorrow.
@Sea Ermine Sure, might as well go with the Denver Beer Company again, given their spaciousness.
@Danzig! Ah! So I just realized that your pinup is in September, so I'll wait for the September roundup to do that (the one I'm doing now is for August and late July). But it's good that everything is settled in advance. Email me if you have any changes to the date/time/place.
@Sea Ermine I will :) Thanks SE!
After nine months of looking, I finally put a bid in on a house and it got accepted today! It's my first house, and I've wanted it so badly for so long, and all I can think is that this is a heat induced mirage because it's too awesome to be real.
Any advice for a first time home buyer trying to navigate her way to settlement? The mortgage people and their jargon scare me (f-u, "points.")
@proudsquarepeg You shouldn't be paying points unless you have under 20% to put down. Otherwise get another quote from another lender.
Also ask your mortgage person to lock in your rate for more days then you expect your escrow to last because something always happens.
@proudsquarepeg When we bought a house we really cobbled together a lot of resources to do so. I had credit but my SO paid cash for everything, so didn't. Some instinct told us to set up a second mortgage source in case the first one fell though. It did, we rolled into the second scenario, and got the house. Good luck!
@garli @Myrtle Thank you for the good vibes! Also @garli, that is serious good advice, you are awesome.
I feel like I need a running cheat sheet for real estate jargon just so I can follow a conversation. So overwhelmed. (Happy with the decision, but overwhelmed.)
So, JIA - does the anniversary of Clueless mean we should be expecting a Conversation with Virgin Who Can't Drive?
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That's way harsh, Tai
Trying to get pregnant. Anyone who used the NuvaRing have any advice?
Two different gynos told me that I would start ovulating right after taking the ring out, no waiting period like there usually is with the birth control pill. However, I've used the ovulation pee stick tester these last three months since we started trying, and it's given me a negative result every time. Are these tests reliable? Are they lying to me? Why am I not ovulating! I've been on birth control for the last decade, so this is not a thing I've ever tested before now. I'm 29... am I too old? Broken?
@MrsTeacherFace I don't know about trying to get pregnant, but when I went off Nuvaring after being on it for 6 years, it took several months before my period stabilized. It was wild and wacky for a while there.
@halftime_orange My period has been regular, but much more heavy and painful, which is what it was like before I was on birth control. I miss you NuvaRing!
Here's a question for the Pintariat:
My wife and I and our newborn are looking to move to United States . We shouldn't have an issue with Green cards(thanks Jay Treaty), however we do want to settle down in the right place. We've been looking around (New York has almost magnetic allure but what about Durham, Atlanta,Chicago Billings or Tuscon?)
What say's the Pin?
@AW@twitter What field would you like to work in? What kind of city would you like to live in? What are your requirements? Cost of living considerations?
@AW@twitter Whoa, those are such wildly different cities that it's hard to know how to make a referral! What are you looking for in a city? What's your budget?
@AW@twitter See the thing, is we do have that flexibility initially. I work as an CFA, and she's a personal trainer. We come from Vancouver, Ca where everything is more expensive than just about anywhere in the US. (I think we're the most unafordable city in the world 3 years running)
We're looking for a place to build a life really. Good schools, good cultural life, also a place where there is a lot of good young energy, and where the economy isn't based on selling houses to overseas buyers.
@AW@twitter I'd recommend the hell out of Portland and/or Seattle. The residential areas (as opposed to the downtown areas) of both have lots of good schools, great homes, and a pretty cheap cost of living for a city, and you still get all the fun city stuff like theatre and music.
@AW@twitter I recently left Vancouver, good luck to you! Leaving was really the right choice for me, and I hope you find what you are looking for :)
@AW@twitter If you are coming from Canada I don't know that I would recommend anywhere in the South (Atlanta, Dallas, etc.) because of the weather (hot! humid!) and Conservatives.
@MrsTeacherFace My wife is like "GIVE ME ALL OF THE SUN" (it comes from the phenomena of "Junuary") California? Nevada? South Florida?
@AW@twitter Portland is awesome and pretty close to Vancouver. I lived in Atlanta for three years and love and miss it. Cost of living is pretty good, public transportation sucks, the neighborhoods within the city are awesome and vibrant and diverse, great food, lots of culture. It lives within (and separate from) a sea of hardcore backward conservatives, so you have to decide if you want to be in, like, a happy bubble of progressives and good vibes and all that or if you're okay with a cool city in a whack state.
@AW@twitter SAN FRAN. Similar budget and both of you will find jobs in a snap.
@AW@twitter I second the SF recommendation. I'm also Canadian and moved here (San Francisco) via Raleigh/Durham. Durham definitely has some cool stuff going on, and definite character, but it's not a city in the sense we usually mean when we think of city life. If the hustle and bustle feeling is important to you, I'd think about heading elsewhere.
I also have lots of family in Tucson and honestly, when I've been there to visit them it's always...um, left much to be desired, culturally. Unless you really like malls? They do have yummy Mexican food though.
Apologies to anyone from these places—this is just based on my own experience. I'm sure they can be great too!
@AW@twitter If "All of the Sun" is a requirement, then Denver. Definitely Denver. All of the sun, less of the heat. San Francisco has no sun.
Tuscon is sort of eh. If you're looking for desert cities, Albequrque, NM is supposed to be cool. Flagstaff AZ is also nice (smaller), but not as insanely hot as the rest of the state.
Minneapolis is excellent, but less sunny.
@AW@twitter I would say Denver! I'm a Chicagoan, which I love, but our school system is messed up & our weather is so dumb (except for September-December). If I ever relocate, especially with a family, I feel like it'd be Colorado. I have a few friends who have recently moved there from Chicago and LOVE it. Especially the topography. Also, no offense to FL 'pinners, I would advise against Florida.
oh dear, I would definitely advise against Florida or Tucson. Florida especially: breaking/broken society, economy, lack of culture, + more culture shock than you can imagine.
L.A. is pretty cool. Or possible Albequerque, or San Antonio, or Austin, or Santa Cruz. San Juan, in Puerto Rico! Honolulu! Or Atlanta (though it's pretty cementy/a car city). Basically a million options other than Florida. Yikes.
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I didn't want to fall for the New York trap, (though it exerts a strange magnetic attraction.)
Job-seeking advice: I have a second interview on Monday morning for a job at a place I've been trying to get into for a long time (like... 2 years. It's a dream company that's really hard to even get an interview with). I've only been at my current job for about 7 months, and I work with a friend (who was the one who helped me get my current job in the first place - we've known each other for a few years). I wasn't looking for a new job, but my mentor/former boss saw the posting and passed it my way and now I've made it past an HR interview, a skills assessment, and a test project. I haven't told anyone except my boyfriend and parents that I'm interviewing (because I'm super afraid of jinxing myself), but I'm wondering if I should tell my friend that I had the interview - IF (BIIIIG IF) I get the job, it will put her in a really shitty place, work-wise - she'll have to take over my responsibilities and there's a big event coming up that I'm supposed to be running.
Not only would I feel bad for her work-wise, but I KNOW she'll have her feelings hurt if take a new job and blindside her. I also don't want to put my current job in jeopardy if it comes out that I've been interviewing but I don't get the new one.
Should I tell my friend/coworker? Am I over thinking this (probably)? UGH HELPPPP
@Madeline Shoes My advice is, do not tell her now. I don't know when the right time is, but I am nearly 100% certain it is not now. The job is still a possibility, not a sure thing; I'd wait until then to let her know, at the absolute earliest.
@Madeline Shoes Don't tell your friend until you're sure one way or the other. In my experience, you simply cannot worry about what will be left in your wake if you quit a job. She will be in a bad place...for a little while. That will suck for her. But if she's your friend, she'll understand. She might be mad for a little while, but ultimately she'll be OK with it.
@Madeline Shoes Definitely don't tell her yet! You're still interviewing, so there's no guarantee you'll get it -- and if she does get upset and then you don't get the new job, things will be awkward. If she's a good friend then she will be happy for you and want you to be happy, and if she's a good coworker then she will figure out how to make it work without you. If she's neither, then you don't need her negativity in your life!
Seriously though, people leave jobs all the time and it makes other peoples' lives harder, but that's just part of what having a job is and it's why most people give a few weeks' notice and work with their managers to make transition plans. If the big event is really that important, if you get the job maybe you can negotiate a later start time for a longer transition. But this is all theoretical until you HAVE the job, which you don't yet!
@Madeline Shoes : If you do get the job, do everything you can to make that transition as easy as possible on your friend; find out what actions you can take that will directly ease her workload. This may help ease her frustration.
I've been flying back and forth between Boston and the Kansas City area for work (office moved, I chose not to) for the past month and right now I am at KCI ready to go the fuck home and stay there! This also means I am out of a job now, so Boston 'Pinners! Wanna hire me?.
@shart_attack I don't have a job opening, but what do you do?
I really just wanted to say, man, that's an annoying route. They keep cutting direct flights! But I noticed the KC airport has improved marginally. And also, the floor mosaics! (Note: I am from KC and have lived in Boston for five years.)
Ok I need my uterus to caaaaalm the f down because I'm finally having my birthday get together tonight. A few weeks late because I put everyone's schedules before my own desires. And the current mr. rose will be basically meeting everyone I know for the first time.
Hey ladies--I'm a regular commenter here but I didn't feel comfortable posting this under my regular name where people know me, so welcome to my alias!
Okay - so here's what's going on. My best friend has turned into a self centered asshole. She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and then got a fancy job where's she's making a lot of money and it's been a gradual decline to doing things like posting pictures of herself out getting drinks when we have plans, then lying about it and saying she "forgot" (she seems to forget a lot, very conviniently when she gets a better offer) about our plans and saying the pictures are old (they aren't--mutual friends are posting the same pics). Never so much as a sorry for being inconsiderate of my time and flaking. When we hang out the conversation is always about her: how busy her job is, what she bought, a quick "how are you...oh wait, let me tell you about ME!" And once I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she invited me to come over and look at all the expensive stuff she had bought while she backed for a European vacation (I'm out of work at the moment and on a very tight budget). I'm making her sound awful but she can be an extremely generous friend at time and has been very kind to me in the past. But now that I'm married she treats me like I have some sort of married people cooties and dumps me to hang out with her single, rich friends - then posts all over instagram and twitter about it with stuff like "besties!". Everyone is her freakin' bestie lately. I haven't spoken with her in a month because I have some personal stuff going on (guess how much she's reached out to me to ask how I'm doing during this rough patch?) and I'm trying to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is her. I know why she's being so conscious about being show-offy and constantly tweeting about how much fun everything is and how her life is better than yours - I know she's been sad since the breakup and feeling insecure (she told me she very much wants to be in a relationship and worries it will never happen) but it's been over a year of getting dumped on, I'm so emotionally drained! She comes across as such a humblebraggy asshole online and it wears me down. Do I dump this friendship, give it some cooling off time in hopes that she'll eventually stop acting like a self centered asshole, or tell her why I'm not speaking to her?
@twokidsinatrenchcoat I think a cooling off period? It sounds like your paths are diverging, and it could be temporary or permanent, but it's probably too early to tell. I get the sense from your post that when the two of you have had plans recently, you are the one making them? Stop asking her for a while and see if she ever asks you to hang out. She might miss you and want to make things better between you two, or she might not, but either way you can't spend all your time waiting around for her.
@twokidsinatrenchcoat While I agree with @paper bag princess and a cooling off period might work, have you thought about a (kind) come to Jesus moment? Sometimes people get asshole-y and need to constantly talk about their lives because, well, deep down they're not happy with it, and by being all omg look at me, look at my besties and our drinks, they can validate their choices and their feelings?
But you know your friend better than we do. If you don't think talking to her would help, I think distancing yourself isn't a bad idea. Especially if you have personal stuff going on, you have to be kind to you and the people you have in your life have to be too.
YOU GUYS! My friends and I are going to Dubrovnik, Croatia for vacation at the end of the month and we just found out that Games of Thrones will be filming on location there the ENTIRE TIME!!!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!!!!
@lasso tabasco !!!!
Get a picture with whoever you think is the hottest on the show! Or all of them!
@lasso tabasco Please go to a croatian lighthouse! You can even rent the entire lighthouse plus its island as your own private retreat. I am insanely fascinated by this.
@lasso tabasco OMIGOD I just checked and they're filming till the end of Sept -- I'll be there in Sept! Wooooo!
Originally, I was going to ask advice about the following situation, but as the days have passed, I've realized there isn't a lot to say beyond "try to take care of yourself, see a counselor, and try to find joy in things, anyway." But hopefully you kind-hearted 'Pinners will allow me (looooong-time reader and lurker) to vent a little and seek comfort from the internet?
I'll start with the disclaimer that I know many many people have things far worse than me, and I feel guilty for complaining at all. (Also an apology, for try as I will to keep this for being long and meandering, it surely will be anyway.)
But I've been feeling ever-more despairing about my life, and am currently in the sort of depression that isn't letting me feel like there is any hope for me in the future. The particular situation I was going to ask advice on is that there is a guy I was weirdly sort of involved with two years ago. We got into weird email arguments about the nature of friendship and romantic relationships, and he acted like he liked me, but kept denying it, and the whole thing was extremely confusing and demoralizing to me. I eventually cut off contact, but in the past year, we were able to get along again, and I ended up proposing to him that we try to be actual friends again, as almost all our friends are moving away. He shot this down really cruelly and disproportionately, but I couldn't cut him off entirely this time, as we were both in a wedding coming up, but I figured when I got past that, everything would be fine.
But now he is horning in on every group activity with all my friends that are moving away (and these are almost entirely friends to whom I am FAR closer than he is.) And because they are all moving soon, sometimes these group things are the only time I get with them. But his presence is like a poison to me; it takes at least 48 hours to get the despair out of my system. So I have to choose between avoiding him and keeping my sanity, but hating myself for the weakness, or getting these last opportunities with my great friends (who have been the only thing helping me keep my sanity these past 3-5 years).
But I've also realized that I am focusing most of my misery and dissatisfaction with life on him (all these friends leaving, misery in spending most of life single, as my libido and loneliness increase by the day, the normal soul-crushing effect of grad school and the despair of ever getting a job). So that isn't healthy or right, but I just feel so out of control with it right now. And I feel terrible that this lack of control means I am constantly crying to my friends, though they are being very good to me. When I can concentrate on it, my academic work helps a little, but my spirits are too depressed to feel up to working on my dissertation, and my other pertinent task is reading the sort of medieval literature when men and women are literally dying of unrequited love all over the place.
Well, I do feel much better writing this out, which tells me that I ought to journal more. And I have made a counseling appointment. And in the process of writing this novel (seriously, sorry 'Pinners, and thanks to anyone who made it through!), one of my friends did make contact with me. I had been in the sort of funk of "no one is answering my emails/texts", so even one person really helps.
But I do appreciate any advice, or condolence, or heck, even a "Yeah, you are making much too big a deal about this" sort of comment. Thank you all.
@Valancy Stirling life isn't the olympics, if it's being rough on you, you're allowed to feel that, without comparing it to everyone else. there will always be someone having a worse time of it, that doesn't invalidate your own feelings.
that said, good for you for seeing a counselor, and reaching out to your friends. i think you need to stop seeing this dude, and while i know your friends are probably busy, especially if they are getting ready to move, it's good if you can get some one-on-one time with them. maybe offer to keep them company while they pack, etc? propose 30 minute tea breaks? i also recommend preparing yourself for life after they have move - it's tricky when your support system is suddenly less accessible. maybe put yourself in situations where you'll be able to meet new people?
@Valancy Stirling (We're Pin Name Twins!) I am sorry you are feeling miserable and this guy is not helping. I can offer you little advice on that front, as my relationship skills are, um, beginner level. But I do think it's important to recognize that your feelings are valid and that cutting off as much contact as possible might be good, if you think it will help you feel better. Can you enlist the help of your friends who you want to spend time with? I.E. "Friends, I am not able to be around Dude right now because of our painful history. However, I want to hang out with all of you before you leave. Can we plan something that is just us?" Or maybe you can arrange for some smaller events with just a few people. Check out Captain Awkward; she has better scripts for these sorts of conversations than I do.
I'm glad you've made a counseling appointment and I hope you feel better soon. Mean dudes, loneliness, grad school, and job searching can all add up to a lot! Internet hugs to you.
a) That dude sounds like a jerk. And it is totally reasonable, imo, to be upset that your last times with friends are being poisoned with his presence. I think karenb has a good take on trying to find alternate time to see them, even if it's just helping them pack.
b) If you're having trouble with your diss and you have a good relationship with your advisor, please talk with them sooner rather than later if it gets worse. They may be able to provide support or resources beyond a counseling appointment - which I'm really glad to hear you've scheduled.
c) Your feelings are valid, and just because other people have it harder doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad.
d) Hugs if you want 'em. This stuff is hard, and it's even worse when it feels like your support system is vanishing.
@Valancy Stirling It's good that you've booked time with a counselor. Definitely get one-on-one time with your friends if it's at all possible. Do they know your history with this guy, and how his presence sabotages your nights out with them? If they don't know, you should really tell them. They will want to spare you pain and will either set up individual time with you away from him or exclude the dude at least some of the time, which is their right (and yours to ask).
And really, don't beat yourself up, really. The feelings you have are both legitimate and something you don't deserve to be subjected to.
@Valancy Stirling ohhh the scourge of the guy who can't deal with his own feelings, so he mindfucks you and tries to pretend they never existed. Legit wound up in a hospital over one of these (well, him and a multitude of other things all going wrong at once), so please don't feel like you are making too much out of something minor/don't have "real" problems. I know how confusing and painful it can be. As others above me have said, you have every right to want the opportunity to see/say goodbye to your friends without requiring 48 hours of recovery from interacting with this asshole. If your friends are aware of your history with this dude, they should understand, and if they can't exclude him from group gatherings would hopefully at least be amenable to getting together with you one on one. I'm glad you made a counseling appointment that can hopefully help you deal with all the other stuff that is feeling "out of control," and that a friend reached out and contacted you! I know that can really help pick me up when I'm feeling down. Take care and all my best wishes moving forward :)
i am currently on hold with my doctor's office, as they did not call in the renewal for my BC prescription as they said they would, bah. "continue to hold for assistance" is getting very irritating. sorry boyfriend, no potential-baby-making for us!
so thanks, hairpin, for keeping me entertained for the past 30 minutes i have been on hold!
I made another account just to post this, because I am just dying to say it somewhere, but not really ready to not be anonymous yet...A, my boyfriend proposed last night. It was a modest, lovely proposal at our house, I'm embarrassed about how much I love the ring, and just so thrilled by the outpouring of love and support I've received from my family and friends about it. So, awesome. (And yet not, because I want to elope, my dad wants to walk me down the aisle.) B, I'm pregnant. This wasn't accidental by our part, I just didn't think it'd happen the first month. I haven't even told him that the test I took this morning was positive, and am overwhelmed by the knowledge that there are still so many things that can go wrong (unfortunately I know the stats on miscarriages), as well as the thought of how I will a) temporarily hide this from the people that want to celebrate my engagement with alcohol and b) avoid having people think this is the reason he proposed and c) when do I announce this to anyone and d) aghhhghgh e) etc f) etc g) etc. Overwhelmed. (And yes I will tell my partner I'm pregnant, but I'm waiting until I can tell him in person tonight.)
So in the span of 12 hours, I became engaged and found out I'm pregnant. What a fucking awesome two days this has been.
Ok. Had to say this to someone, even if only just the internet people.
@somanyfeelings AHHHH THIS IS SO EXCITING! Internet hugs and warm fuzzies to you!
@somanyfeelings That's amazing! It sounds like a very intense and wonderful day!
Maybe the coincidental timing of both these happy events might lead people to the misconception that the pregnancy is the reason for the proposal - but I bet you can explain to people you really care about that you had mutually been planning to have a kid and then were proposed to and they will understand, and the people you're not so close to, it doesn't matter what they think.
Also, I was born in exactly the same way! My parents decided to have a kid and then they decided to get married. Both were on purpose but my mom getting pregnant with me just happened to occur first.
@somanyfeelings super congrats! and who cares what people think!?!?!? celebrate !
@megeliza and everyone - Thank you!!! I'm not really sure why I care what others think...I think it's mostly out of concern for what his parents - very Catholic - are going to think of the situation. But oh well, it's time for celebrating! And now for a very first world problem...Seriously, how do I handle my friends and family suggesting we celebrate with my favorite drink - beer? What a fantastic problem I have. <3 Oh man I am overwhelmed.
@somanyfeelings THAT IS AMAZING AND CONGRATULATIONS.
Suggestion on the drinking part: maybe you can just wet your lips with a sip of something and then forget about/conveniently spill/throw the rest of the drink in a potted plant? Usually the only time anyone watches is for that first sip. Good luck!
@somanyfeelings my best friend also had to hide her pregnancy behind beer... her husband either brought her a bottle filled with water or sipped and poured some out. if no one knows, they won't be paying as much attention as you think
I snapped on a couple of well-intentioned students and need to figure out how to handle this situation next time it happens. For context, i've been hyper-conscious of male/female dynamics in public spaces and street harassment and where to draw the line between profiling and accurately assessing threats.
I work at a community college and look fairly young. I was walking around outside and a couple young male students said "you're hot" as I walked by. I turned around and snapped "come on, man, why would you say that" and they were baffled and said "no, we said HOT." At this point I kind of lost the courage of my convictions and stammered out something like "I'm just minding my own business, why can't I just be in a public space" and said something about taking Feminism 101. They asked if it would be better if they said "you're pretty" and I said something like "it's hard to move through life constantly being evaluated as a sexual object." This write-up makes it sound much more articulate than I actually was!
The guys seemed pretty open to suggestion, like they asked if Feminism 101 was actually a class on campus. I feel terrible that I had a receptive audience for an educational moment and blew it. I'm sure I came off as insane in what was an irritating-but-not-clearly-threatening moment. I wish I'd had the ability to think though the "is it better to say you're pretty" moment and explain that yes, that would feel less like they were evaluating me for bangability, but still just say hi, you know?
Basically, I am embarrassed and chagrined that I started a feminism fight that I couldn't finish. Any tips for how to use teachable moments without seeming insane?
I certainly understand that many women would just roll their eyes and move on. That's what I usually do too, and I know sometimes you just don't have the time, patience, or sense of safety to deal with it. I guess I'm just wondering how you approach these situations when you do feel like you can have an effect. How do you summarize "you are complicit in rape culture" to a couple kids walking by on a sunny day?
@Homestar Runner I don't think that sounds like you handled it very badly much less "blew it." Maybe it was nonideal but most things in life are. It's clear that you caused those guys to think about the way they speak to women about their appearances and that they will be much more thoughtful about what they say the next time the opportunity arises.
@Homestar Runner OH NO.
That sounds really rough. I think you did the right thing, though, and even if the first try was kind of stumbly, you will do better next time, and these guys were receptive, which is really great.
Maybe practice a bit in the mirror for the next time something like this happens? And then deep breath, rational argument time? And give yourself an out just in case the next group of guys are assholes. A nice firm way to remove yourself from a conversation you cannot possibly win.
I think it is very smart to make these arguments when and where you can. I will say that when you're upset may not be the best time? Maybe? Because then it feels accusatory, and few people on earth are receptive to that. But I've definitely had A Talk with a guy who hit on me every time I walked by him, and I was finally like, look, here's the deal. I'm sure you're trying to pay me a compliment, right? And he said yeah, of course. And I said, okay, then I think I should tell you that what you're doing is not actually complimentary, and let me explain why.
It can help to start out with, "I know your intentions are good, but YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG." That way at least they know you're not just yelling at them for funsies. You're assuming these are good people who want to do the right thing and aren't doing it because, and only because, they are unaware of what the right thing is.
You did good, you did so good. Do not be discouraged! Do it again!
@Homestar Runner It sounds like you did great! You said SOMETHING, and that's great. Your job is to be a woman, not to be the final word on all feminist fights ever. You did great.
@Homestar Runner I think you're fine. What you said actually sounds like a good response! And, your job in life is to go around living your life like a BAMF, not educate miscellaneous dudes about how to respect your right to do the former.
@Homestar Runner You did fine. Don't worry. It is tough to deal with the level of entitlement that's inherent in:
1. Hey you're hot
2. Why are you mad, it's a compliment?!
3. Would you please give us some feedback on our thoughtless comments on your body? How can we improve this experience for the random women we comment on in the future? Do you have an alternative wording that would be more acceptable to you (and all other women, since all y'all are all the same)?
Basically you went above and beyond the call of duty and you are awesome.
Late to the thread, because I've been hiding out at my parents all day, alternating between crying, swimming, or both. Had to break up with boyfriend of 4.5 years this morning. He was cheating on me. Not like, oops one night stand cheating. "I love you, [former pet name for me]" cheating.
I always knew it would end, but I didn't think it would end like this. I feel like Switch in the Matrix.
@Girl Named Jack Ugh I'm so sorry. Be good to yourself.
@polka dots vs stripes Thanks. This is really hard.
@Girl Named Jack Oh I'm so sorry.
@Girl Named Jack Dang, girl, I'm so sorry. That SUCKS. He did a selfish, mean thing. It reflects his immaturity and self-centeredness. I am hoping for peace, healing, happiness and fun for you. If you want it to be, this will be an exciting time of growth for you. (Sorry for sounding like a fortune cookie.)
Ok baby-having 'Pinners! I need a bit of advice.
My good friend had a baby... oh, almost a month ago. She and I are/were very close, and I lived in the same house as her and her husband for over a year. Things got a bit tense between me and her husband (long story, he kissed me, she doesn't know) and it hurt our friendship as I started spending LOTS of time out of the house and away from the two of them, and had this huge awful secret from her. It is actually kind of terrible, but has stabilized. I mean, they have a baby, live elsewhere, and I have focused on our individual friendship without her husband.
Anyway, she called me right away to ask me to come over and spend time with her, which I did. She told me she was going to ask me to spend the night the first time her husband went on an overnight call.
I haven't heard from her at all, in several weeks. She didn't ask me to spend the night. I have called twice, with no answer.
I guess my question is: Is this just new baby stuff? Or is it friendship stuff? I don't want to make it about me or us when it isn't, but I feel concerned in a way. I know her husband wants me at arm's distance and I guess I'm worried he has sabotaged our friendship somehow.
PS: I also got in a bit of trouble for posting a picture of me with her baby on FB. I took it down when they asked, but I wonder if that has something to do with it. Her husband was the one who noticed and made a hoopla. I dunno. I just feel worried.
@RNL I have no real advice, as I have no baby, but I know that a lot of people act veeeery odd the first couple months (not to be offensive to people who have babies who act the same! I've just had that experience), Theres a lot of emotions running wild so I would try hard not to take it personally.
Has her husband had an overnight call yet? Why did you get in trouble for posting a pic with the baby-had they not posted any yet? Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I understand that anxious feeling when you think your friend is upset with you so I know that sucks and wanted to send some reassurance.
@RNL I would say new baby stuff. Newborns only sleep a few hours at stretch and when they wake up, they need attention stat. So probably in amongst the chaos that is their life, people, friendships etc... Have just dropped right off. See what happens in few weeks as they get the hang of it.
HELP. how do i get this guy to date me! here is our VERY general situation (for some reason i'm terrified that he could somehow find this comment and would be upset that i was telling the internet about him):
a. we both openly like each other
b. we are both sexually attracted to each other
c. we hang out almost every day
d. he's like 10 years older than me UGH
like, i absolutely understand that for him, d. is a bigger deal than it is for me. but how do i make d. not matterrrrr :(
@fuck fuck fuck Will he not date you? Like, he's said that?
@RNL he's said some things like, "not right now," etc. i have been given the idea that the age difference is the main problem--he clearly likes me enough to spend a lot of time alone with me, and we flirt a lot, but it hasn't gone further than that.
@fuck fuck fuck I dunno, I'd ask him out or lay it on the line. If he says no, he means no, and the age difference may be just an excuse.
Like Captain Awkward says (or as I paraphrase Captain Awkward), when someone says they don't want to date you, you have to believe them.
Sorry! That's not what you wanted. You sound amazing and very dateable.
@RNL honestly i've thought that several times, and i've never tried to push him into anything; it's just a confusing situation because it's pretty much like we ARE dating, just without all the touching, which is what makes me think it's not an excuse. as in, if we actually had sex then he'd really be a pervert, or so he believes, so we have to keep it mostly-platonic.
@fuck fuck fuck
How long have you guys been like this? I'm thinking that if it's a relatively recent thing, give it more time and let it develop. If it's been going on for a while, then enjoy the flirtation (if you can), but it sounds like he's cool with the relationship being frustrating for you and flattering for him. I'm sure he likes to spend all this time with you, but if you're not getting what you need, hanging around won't help you get it. But don't worry! You ARE awesome, and you will find it elsewhere. Onwards and upwards, girl.
@Passion Fruit it's been a couple of months. i'm also moving for a definite but extended length of time, which i consistently forget is probably a huge factor.
the way i've been looking at it is this: as long as the relationship continues to make me happy more than 90% of the time, i'll let it be the way it is. if it really starts eating at me, i'll cut it off (i'm GREAT at that).
@fuck fuck fuck I think that sounds like a perfect cutoff! 90/10 rule for relationshapes.
hi hairpin! nice to meet ya. I am new to commenting, here with a call for tips/stories/advice on living alone.
I'm moving into my own place tomorrow. it will be the first time I have ever lived alone (I'm 22 and moving to NYC -- I know, yawn). I'm worried that I'm going to devolve into a hermit slob and/or get robbed and/or develop a roach infestation I will have to deal with by myself. I'm pretty introverted and I like alone time -- I like my singing and my stupid jokes probably more than anyone else does -- but I tend to stay inside for long stretches of time if I don't have solid plans with other humans to motivate me to leave, especially when I'm feeling blue, and then I slowly go stir crazy without realizing it because I actually do need air and human interaction to feel normal.
also I will be working a full time job while going to grad school, and I don't know many people in the neighborhood so my friends will be harder to access, and it is a relatively new city to me. my current manfriend lives an hour away by subway and will also be in grad school so I'm not exactly counting on that to get me out of the house.
that said, I am really excited to have my own space; I have dreamed of it for years and am thrilled that I found a reasonably priced place in this insanely expensive city. I also think it'll be a good growth experience for me -- I feel like it's time for me to be more independent, to prove to myself I can do it.
tips on living alone while being a social creature? favorite things/stories/memories about living alone? ways to get out of the house regularly when you often feel lazy and lame? will I make grad school friends? how do I make neighborhood friends (harlem anyone?) pre-emptive safety or pest control tips? please reassure me that I will be okay? all of the above welcome.
and happy Friday ya'll.
@baby crow I LOVE LOVE living alone. I'm 26 and I've lived alone since my sophomore year of college - about 7 years. I get lonely sometimes, but 90% of the time it's amazing. I can keep my own schedule, watch whatever I want on TV (amaaaazing). I'm not in NYC, but I live downtown in a mid-sized city and I think that helps a lot. When I feel bored or lonely and no one I know is around, I'll take a book to a bar or a restaurant and have one beer or an app, or I'll go to a park. I've met lots of people just by going out by myself with a book!
I don't know if this is cool in New York, but I made a point to get to know the other people in my building - they're all young (mid-twenties), so it's been a nice transition from dorm life to real life.
Enjoy it while it lasts - my boyfriend is moving in with me in three weeks and I'm worried it will be a tough adjustment since I'm so used to being here by myself!
also: if you have time for it/your apartment allows, get a pet! I swear having my cat has been a life-saver when I'm feeling alone.
also also: if you get really desperate and lonely, hit me up on here - my little brother lives in Manhattan and is moving to Harlem in the fall and he's got an awesome group of friends!
@Madeline Shoes thank you thank you thank you! I feel better already. my building seems to have a communal black cat, who will hopefully be my friend in times of need. and I'll keep your brother in mind!
Congratulations on taking such a major step in your journey! And welcome to NYC :)
I live alone here, and I like it a lot as I am very introverted and have too much anxiety to deal with roommates. My only problem through the years has been finding affordable housing since I am very low-income. But it sounds like you found a place that suits you, so that's great! One tip I would give you, which was hard for me to come to terms with, is that it's okay to say, y'know what, this place isn't working for me. After I moved into my first apartment and invested money and time and energy into making it a home, I was too stubborn to admit to myself that it really wasn't a great fit (due to landlord/neighbors/money/mice). When I finally allowed myself to let go of that place, I went on craigslist and found a new place that was much, much better for me. And you know what? I'm still keeping my eyes open for something better.
I can't think of any other advice right now but I think you will be A-Okay here! Come to the next Pinup!
@baby crow You will make friends in grad school! (I have!) And probably also at work. And that will help with the Simon Amstell problem ("Here's what happens when you live alone and you don't make plans. You wake up . . . and it just gets darker." some days that's what you want though).
Living by yourself is great. It's scary at first, but great. :)
@baby crow Seriously, I am sitting here in my underoos in my nice and quiet place, with nobody else's dishes in my sink and nobody else hungover/sleeping/watching an annoying movie, and it is, plain and simple, glorious.
To switch up a quote from that Bible of Disney movies, the Lion King: *Mufasa voice* "Everything the light touches....is YOUR kingdom."
@lora.bee underoos. I forgot to mention the joys of hanging out in your underwear without having to worry about a roommate coming home!
@lora.bee @Lucienne @amuletum thank you guys for your replies! great advice, and I'm feeling more happy than nervous after my first night in my(!) new place. here's to underoos.
It's been quite a week. I finally got fed up enough with my long-term anxiety and depression to go to a doctor and ask for medication, which he prescribed for me. I've been taking 10mg of Lexapro for three days, now.
I have mixed feelings on this. I'm really sick of being miserable, and I'm finally in a headspace where I feel like getting treatment is kind of a bad-ass thing to do, instead of a cowardly cop-out and also something I don't deserve. I'm hopeful that the meds will help me, and also trying not to get too excited since I know it can take a while to find the right drug and dosage.
I am massively disappointed, however, that the doctor told me that I cannot drink while I'm on antidepressants. Saying this makes me feel like I may have a problem, but drinking is a part of my life that I'm not ready to give up. Homebrewing (and drinking the results!) is a hobby that my husband and I both enjoy. Also, I've recently started sending out my resume to breweries--I've never known what I wanted to do professionally, and so held a series of crappy labor/service jobs, and I was very hopeful that working in a brewery could be a real grown-up career and an alternative to working for my current somewhat abusive boss (which is probably contributing to my depression). I may have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life (or live with depression--blergh, I've had quite enough of that). How am I supposed to get a brewery job if I can't drink?! (Okay, calm down there, Matilda, you haven't even gotten an interview yet.)
On the plus side, I haven't had any terrible side effects yet. It makes me a little sleepy and very thirsty, but nothing I can't handle.
I'm interested in hearing your experiences with antidepressants/antianxiety medication, if you're willing to share.
@Matilda D'Ephemera I was on Lexapro for years and never really got a warning about drinking. I think I remember hearing that MAOs don't interact well with alcohol necessarily, but I think with an SSRI you are fine. So long as alcohol isn't something that is a problem for you, I think you're fine to drink while being on Lexapro. I didn't really drink at all when I started taking it, but did begin drinking maybe up to 15 drinks a week while I was on it. (Not really 2 per day, maybe three or four nights with three or four drinks and other nights with none.)
You do deserve to be on medication that can help you to feel better. It's trick at first, and it also may take a while for you to feel any difference. When I went on it, I was exhausted after being depressed for years (I think seven) without any type of treatment, so I was just grateful to finally be on a medication. 10 mg of Lexapro is a pretty moderate dosage and medication. I was worried about not feeling like myself more than anything, but I definitely *did* feel like the same me, except not as much of a depressed mess.
I really think you should give it a shot. I wouldn't worry too much about the potential of being on an antidepressant for the rest of your life; it can feel overwhelming or like those feelings won't eventually change, but it's better to focus on getting better now. Your dr should help you manage your dosage/need for medication as you progress but stressing about the long-term won't help.
@Matilda D'Ephemera Bullshit. I drink on Lexapro all the time. But maybe it's a you-specific situation, in which case I'm very sorry for you. Drinking is wonderful. Patience, I guess? Try dance. Gets you naturally high.
And I've been on lexapro about a year, it works well for me after playing with the dosage. I'm on 10 mg. It keeps me calm and far less depressed/anxious. Side effects should go away soon for you. If they don't, you should tell your doctor. Soon meaning up to three to four weeks.
Let me know if you ever want to talk! We are all here for you.
@Matilda D'Ephemera I was on Wellbutrin for a while and drank and life went on, which was way different from how life went pre-Wellbutrin. They probably say no drinking because there are sometimes serious side effects like suicidal ideation etc. that could be worsened with a depressant like alcohol. You will know if this happens. It will be obvious to you. It doesn't mean you can't taste beer or enjoy it casually
@Matilda D'Ephemera Yo! I was on Lexapro for ages and then citalopram for even longer - it's the same basic drug, according to my insurance company. I did get really cranky when 10 mg did nothing, but 20mg did the trick. Citalopram did give me wicked dry mouth at first, but that tapered off, and I remember Lexapro messing with my sleep schedule so I had to take it at the right time. But generally... I mean, they didn't make me stop feeling, but they did make me feel less like I was drowning.
I drank while taking them; I've never been a HEAVY drinker, but I didn't notice it having any massive effects. Depending on your doctor they may just note that it's a possibility of bad combinations as allofthewine notes (depressant + stuff messing with your brain chemistry = possible bad times) or they may have more specific reasons given your medical history.
Also, if you do ever decide to go off, SSRI withdrawal is a real thing. I went off mine this spring (for various reasons) and had a couple of weeks of random vertigo attacks. That suuuuuuuucked.
But overall I had a really good experience with Lexapro and I really hope this is the help you need to feel better. <3
@Matilda D'Ephemera Agreeing with the above - you don't have to not drink at all, but if you find that Lexapro makes you sleepy after you take it, you might not wanna operate any heavy machinery. I'm guessing you don't have any obvious interactions like blood thinners. Anyway, congratulations on taking charge of things! Brain chemistry is NOT personality. I have EXTENSIVE experience with long-term anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication, I take both now and it's done wonders for being able to function in daily life, but it might take a few months to find a drug and dosage that works (taper on, taper off, taper on, etc.). Be patient!
@Matilda D'Ephemera I take Lexapro and my Dr didn't say anything about drinking, although the pamphlet that came with the drugs said you shouldn't drink while on medication for depression. I don't know about your specific situation, but I think it's general advice not to mix alcohol with antidepressants because it can negate the effects of the antidepressants, and the results can't be predicted on an individual basis. I drink moderately on Lexapro and I believe alcohol makes me sleepier than before (I am always sleepier than before), but I have not noticed any other effects combining them.
As for other side effects with Lexapro, most of them wore of after a month or so, but I still get night sweats sometimes, and I have more dreams. Or I just remember more of my dreams. Both are manageable. As mentioned I also feel generally more sleepy and physically lethargic, which is not so great, but my brain is sharp at least.
In my experience, the important thing about antidepressants is they give you the headspace to examine your underlying stressors and make changes there - it's not a cop-out! I saw a therapist as part of my treatment, which was invaluable for working on what the causes for my anxiety and depression were. Good luck and don't worry if it takes some time and patience for things to get better for you :)
@Matilda D'Ephemera This is really good info to have. Thanks, everyone.
The reasons my doctor gave me for not drinking were "alcohol is a depressant, so it'll cancel out the antidepressant" and because alcohol and SSRIs "both cross the blood-brain barrier." (?) I don't have any other health problems or take any other medications. I kind of got the impression that as a medical professional, he felt he couldn't tell me to go ahead and drink, it'll be fine. He was also kind of condescending ("why would a young girl like you be depressed?" I'm a grown-ass woman and I'm depressed because my brain is a jerk, ugh) which, rightly or not, makes me feel better about taking or leaving his advice. My plan is to wait a few weeks to get used to the Lexapro, then try having a beer and see how I feel.
Thanks again to everyone who replied. It really helps to know I'm not alone.
@Matilda D'Ephemera I was also told "drink moderately" on citalopram. "Alcohol is a depressant" is what I asked my doctor about, and she explained to me that "depressant" in terms of drugs simply means "not a stimulant", i.e. alcohol makes you drowsy instead of hyping you up. So according to her, it's a misconception that depressant drugs -> depression. I'm a little surprised to hear about a doctor conflating the two.
Good call on waiting during the adjustment period though, it can be uhhh... interesting. And if your doctor keeps being condenscending, think about switching docs. IMHO it's just not a good sign if you already find yourself mistrusting his advice and having to weigh it against his kinda crappy bedside manner.
Congrats on caring for yourself and being proactive! That's something to be really proud of!
@Matilda D'Ephemera good luck and change docs! I'm on anti-anxiety meds and my life is so much better for it.
@Matilda D'Ephemera - yeah, I would respect a doctor who said "I want to see how this is affecting your liver, please don't drink for 6 months so that we can do Science" or "don't drink during the adjustment phase because you don't want to mix too many mood-altering substances when you aren't familiar with their effects" but "don't drink ever" seems unreasonable when there's not a clear interaction warning.
@Matilda D'Ephemera : I would highly, highly recommend holding off on booze entirely for at least six to eight weeks--most anti-depressants take that long to level in your system, and it would be good to get a baseline for how you are responding to the medication without interference from alcohol.
Also, a daily one or two sentence mood journal can be an effective way of tracking whether or not the medication is working.
And seriously, congratulations on getting help--lady, I so hope this is the start of life getting better for you.
Thanks to everybody who wrote kind things in response to my announcing the birth of my baby (who is sleeping in my lap right now) and complaining about the feeding situation, and I'm sorry I didn't reply! Right after I wrote, he went on this week-long cluster feed bender (12+ hours at a time--but hey, at least I know it's not a milk scarcity issue anymore)and I didn't have two hands free to type until NOW. La Leche League kind of bummed me out when I asked about the day-long and often night-long cluster feeding, since I was sort of going out of my mind, by saying it was normal and it's only a problem if I choose to perceive it as such, and that I messed things up with an induction and epidural and said that that was the likely reason I had any problems breastfeeding (by the way I loved my induction and ESPECIALLY my epidural and I do not believe them). They also told me I should be co-sleeping (something we're terrified to do) and insisted that "traditional cultures" do it (but they couldn't say which ones).
Fortunately, I went to a breastfeeding clinic today, and the really kind public health nurse observed us for a while and said gently that the baby is using my boob as a pacifier and not a food source for at least 10 out of those 12 hours of feeding marathon, and that we have to get him to stop, even if he cries. This was a great relief, because I LIKE peeing and eating and sleeping and taking a shower and occasionally having two hands free to type on the internets. So we started this new regime tonight and when he started crying and shrieking after an hour and a half of boob-feeding, I managed to hit upon a good sequence of distraction via folk music, which goes like this: 1.) Balkan. 2.) Throat singing. 3.) Sephardic. (Grab his attention, mesmerize and confuse him, and then soothe him with ballads.) And he's gone two out of the past four hours without nursing! I can imagine having a life again....
@siniichulok Good for you on not letting LLL shame you any. I work with babies in a hospital setting, and breast-feeding is WORK. All caps, bold, underlined, in red: WORK. It's a friggin' full time job and a sacrifice, and props to you for figuring it out and troubleshooting when it got draining.
And listen to the kind public health nurse, she knows what's up. Go you!
@siniichulok My mom was like a career LLL leader for many years of her life, including years where I was growing up, and can I tell you, that b is crazy! (She is a wonderful person, just wants to help, etc, but also, bananas. Ba-nay-nays. Loopty-doo. Sometimes challenging!) Take whatever's helpful from those people, but they are not the boss of you (as you have clearly already learned.)
@siniichulok Can we talk about how I do very similar things to soothe fractious babies? Like, I sang to my little niecelet (LR's daughter - my frosh from Seattle if you remember her?) in Hebrew and Bulgarian and it put her right to sleep. Whatever works.
Also, as a not-yet-mom, I probably shouldn't say this, but ... sometimes those LLL folks can be, shall we say, a bit much. Good for you not letting them mess with your head.
Hey SF Pinners! I know we just had a pinup but the Exploratorium is hosting Thursday Night "Adult Nights" and how cool is that?!? Would anyone want to come with me next week or week after? http://www.exploratorium.edu/visit/calendar/after-dark
@'riel Woah, I mean August. They changed the dates.
@'riel Oooh pinups! I missed the last one due to the sickness from hell so I've been hoping for another one.
I was supposed to go to one of those with a friend a few months ago but was under the impression that it was Fancy, and I am decidedly not-Fancy. I'd be down if I can wear flat shoes and find a Thursday where I don't open at work the next morning though!
@'riel I'd be interested! I am moving to San Francisco next week and looking forward to meeting some 'pinners!
@'riel I've never been to the nights at the Exploratorium, but I've been to the Academy of Science nights a few times and it's a BLAST. You get to see all the stuff AND there's no kids AND you can drink booze! I get the impression that the Exploratorium is similar (And if it IS similar, I think it's really not that fancy. I mean, it's San Francisco - except for Legit Fancy Shit like the Black and White ball, most places get a mix of fancy and not fancy. The whole Jeans and a Hoody-Wearing Millionaire thing was invented here, after all.)
Anyway, I'm game for checking it out, though not next week since I'm out of town. Are you in the Facebook group? Post something there, too, if you are! We're "San Francisco Hairpinners" for anyone looking to join.
@in_parenthesis Yay! Welcome to SF! Always happy to have more 'Pinners out here.
@Jinxie Thank you so much! I just joined the Facebook group, thanks for the heads up about that. Hope to see you soon at a pin-up!
You're all virgins who can't drive.
@TATABox Way harsh, Tai.
In case it wasn't clear, that was an invitation to trade clueless quotes!!
@TATABox Nice pins!
@TATABox Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover; it gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.
For those of you who have been SO interested in my IUD probs, I just wanted to say that I went to a different doc in my practice, who got it out without surgery, and also without appreciable pain and suffering. I am really glad I double checked that surgery was not my only option/annoyed that it was kind of initially presented to me like it was.
@frenz.lo I'm really glad to hear that! Although boo to the first doctor.
First time commenter to say: if you are in San Diego please be my friend! Just moved here and don't know anyone at all. Anyone interested in a pinup?
Hey guys, so I am newly single. I had to move back to my hometown with my parents short term due to the whole sharing an apartment with my ex-boyfriend thing. Since I know no one here, I decided to sign up for a dating site. It's SO WEIRD...Everyone is messaging me and chatting, and all I want to do is go to some cool restaurants or see a concert with someone?? But I am also afraid of meeting super weirdos in person? Does anyone have some dating site advice-how to I make it work for me/how to avoid serial killers?
@Nanuary Going on dates is, on average, better than not going on dates. You can chat for weeks and then meet for coffee and realize in the first ten minutes that this is a thing that is not going to work. Also, dates are usually more fun than sitting at home typing on your computer anyways. And you can be the one to suggest the dates! That's totally fine!
From a safety standpoint, meet in public, tell someone where you're going/ when you'll be back if it makes you feel better, and probably everything will be fine. And if you meet a weirdo, probably you'll wind up with a good story, which is a life asset.
@Nanuary I have no experience with online dating specifically, but I have developed friendships online that have translated well into real life. I recently attended the wedding of a couple I met playing World of Warcraft, and I was one of five guests they had met through the game. There are probably some weirdos/unsavory types on the dating site, as there are in real life, but I'd bet the majority of them are reasonable people.
I'd echo Beaks for safety--meet in a public place, tell someone where you're going--but I'd try not to worry too much about the fact that you met them online. It's not that unusual a thing anymore, and the internet doesn't necessarily have a higher percentage of unsafe people than the general population.
I wish you luck!
Late question for the Pintariate. Locker rooms that also have changing stalls: where do you change? I'm used to just changing in the locker room, because why schlep my stuff to a tiny closet, and also, isn't that what locker rooms are for? The pool I've been at recently seems very pro-changing room, so now I'm worried I'm being an ass for changing in the locker room. Thoughts?
Hm, I'd say to do whatever you feel comfortable with as long as you aren't making other people uncomfortable? When I used to be homeless, I sometimes showered in a university locker room area that didn't have doors because I guess most swimmers just rinse off while wearing their bathing suits. A couple of times some swimmers walked by and I was super embarrassed but you know what? It's just a body, right? We all have one! I think as long as you don't jiggle your privates in anyone's face, they should be mature about it and go about their own business.
How was your week?
It's hard to answer!
Just trying on my new avatar. Goodbye to the enormous but invasive Giant African Land Snail and hello to the Stovepipe Sponge.
@plumb-bob Aw, it's adorable!
So, my roommate got home at 5am and proceeded to take nitrous oxide from loud little cans and listen to music and talk with his gf til 7am, even after I asked them to keep it down at 6 and could still hear them through earplugs. So, I assume they'll be asleep for most of the day, so it's totally cool if I slam all the doors in the house as loudly as possible and play obnoxious music right? I mean, being vindictive about loss of sleep on one's only day off deserves getting treated like a dingleberry, RIGHT???
@Hot Doom THEY DON'T CALL ME HOT DOOM FOR NUTHIN.
@Hot Doom I'd throw in a little vacuuming, too. Might as well get the house clean while you're getting your sweet revenge.
I put this on The Toast too.
I think it's time for me to Lean In. I recently got a raise and when my boss is out on maternity leave (any day now), I'll be in a leadership role on the team. So, I'm going to read Lean In and hopefully stop feeling like I'm going to puke every time I think about having weekly meetings with VP.
Any other Pinners have experience with professional development? Tell me how you rocked it.
Hey, 'pinners, I could use some advice...
So, I've been seeing a guy for a few months...earlier this week, out of the blue, he dumped me. He and I have discussed how we've both cut and run in the past, when things start getting real (I met some important people in his life this week, which may have something to do with the timing?). I'm also good friends with his brother, who warned me about this tendency.
During the breakup conversation, he was really sweaty and upset, and flat-out said he thought he was maybe just falling back into his old habits. Maybe this is just my wanting to believe it, but I felt like the undertone was, "Don't let me leave."
I was very outwardly calm, and said, "You need to do what you think is best for you."
But now I'm wondering, did I give up too easily? Or am I wisely distancing myself from someone with some baggage? Part of me just thinks, "He's just not that into you, cut your losses and move on" (breaking up: no clearer sign of that, right?!), but I also recognize I've always split at the first sign of trouble.
Guide me, 'pinners, please!
ugh, he sounds really immature, unfortunately. It also sounds like you're already partway out. If you *had* talked him down from breaking up this time, wouldn't he just have another crisis and want to break up another time soon? It sounds like a recipe for drama and an unsatisfying relationship. So he's given you walking papers -- now you can go find someone that you gel with even better than with him!
@Regina Phalange Um yeah, I'd say let him walk. I have zero tolerance for that kinda narcissistic drama, because the script goes something like, "I'm leaving! No... wait, maybe I'm leaving. Beg me to stay. Tell me how much you neeeeeeeeed me. OK, I'm not leaving... yet." Times a million for as often as you're willing to pet his ego and coax him back.
It doesn't sound like he's just not that into you, it sounds like he's just not that into himself and needs a lot of external affirmation and a doormat. I'd run, gurl.
@Regina Phalange I'm sorry that happened to you! Adding all that extra emotional stuff sounds awful. My gut feeling is that you should start preparing for him to show up again. Put your action plan together.
@adorable-eggplant @Myrtle @harebell Thanks, y'all - some much-needed perspective.
I was talking to a friend about this relationship today, and she mentioned how often over the past few months I've put myself down, or indicated that I felt as though he could do better than me. So while I think @adorable-eggplant is on point about the external affirmation, he's not the only one....so maybe we both need to take a breath and work on that.
Hello! A few weeks ago I asked for advice on whether it would be better for me to stop socialising with a guy friend I really like because he has a girlfriend and doesn't like me back. It was making me sad. I thought I was over it but then I'd get sad. So I have stopped, and I feel better for it. I can recommend it. We do still email with funny work stuff, but not hanging out is helping.
@MissJudgeMental this is a mighty effort, setting boundaries like this when you cross paths through work. Well done!
'Pinners, how bad is this, I've no perspective: met back up with a fellow through a FB page of our hometown (neither of us live there anymore.) He didn't know I'd had a crush on him back in school. He says he's now single and we have an uncanny amount of things in common now, I especially love that we're both artists. He says he's going to write me an awesome email to wake up to, but what I find on his page is he's driving to see this woman and they're going to spend some time together alone, even though she's married with kids. He signs it, love. He swears they're just good friends, and help each other out when she wants to get away from her kids (?) (!), but she's all over him in the pics like a little wife. Unfortunately, the shock to me was great and who knows what I said while we were on the phone as I blacked out from booze. I did tell him to keep me out of his relationship with her, knowing me,doubtless commented on her being some ignorant white trash, and then came the darkness of a call that went on for another hour after that. I hate that I turned my anger onto myself with the booze, and won't do that again. Interested in anything you have to say, thanks!
@Myrtle Ohhh, Myrtle. If it were me, I'd cut off contact with him. You don't need that kind of yucky drama in your life. If you feel bad, apologise and then cut him off. Also, are you ok? With the blackout drinking? It sounds rough. Do you need to talk to someone? It sounds like you might have been having a rough trot if this got so upsetting so fast. Good luck, hope you are feeling better soon.
Yep, I'd advocate for reducing contact, too. I'm sorry your feelings are (understandably) hurt. It's better to look for something less complicated and/or give him space to make things less complicated of his own volition.
@MissJudgeMental Thanks for this kind reply! No, I'd been in an accident and had to have a bunch of surgeries, seems to leave one kind of weakened mentally. Thought I was in better shape than that... You are right that my reaction was too severe. I'm disappointed in myself.
@Passion Fruit Yeah, giving him space, I think you are right. Thank you for writing me back, dear heart.
@Myrtle That sounds like a really horrendous run of things happening in your life. Be kind to yourself - don't be harsh on yourself. Reacting uncharacteristically after repeated stressors is so natural. Feel better soon. Internet hugs.
@MissJudgeMental Thank you for these kind words! And a great point, that this was in a series. I didn't think about that, I just thought I'd failed... Thank you, Miss!
Sooo my birthday was last week, and my boyfriend's gift to me is a trip to Puerto Rico! I'm so so so excited I just want to dance every time I think about it!
In other news, my sleeping cat just farted next to me. Adorable.
Things that have happened this past week.
- I saw the Cerne Abbas giant. It was beautiful.
- I had my first two driving lessons. I have another on Monday, god, I wish I had more opportunity to pratice between lessons.
- I am experimenting with colour in my clothing, and am actually wearing dresses. This is now a thing, and I don't hate it.
- Seriously working out a game plan to lose those pesky final 20lbs...
- Fraud in my bank account! ARGH. But sorted out strangely quickly, which is a relief.
- FINALLY STARTED READING GAME OF THRONES. NOT REGRETTING IT. Also finished American Gods (Neil Gaiman). No regrets there, either.
- In other book news, I am going for a reading/q+a sesh that Margaret Atwood is doing at the end of August. EXCITEMENT.
- And... I am going for a pixie crop in about 2 weeks time. First time ever. Also very exciting. Only one person seems to think this is a good idea, but now is the perfect time to do it, if ever. And if I hate it, it's hair, it'll grow back. Plus, wigs.
And there is lots of sun. This is good, my first proper summer for about 7 years. Jolly good.
Blarg. I need a place to comment dump stuff, since my first impulse would be to write this on Facebook and that would be a terrible plan that no one wants to hear about.
I checked my ex's facebook profile for the first time today since the beginning of the year. I haven't seen him since just around then, and plan to never see him again. At the end of last year I found out that he'd betrayed my trust and lied about serious issues to myself and to our friends and I dumped him.
He'd commented on the wall of a mutual friend this last week, and FB stalking became an itch that needed scratching. Wisdom says, just don't look. But. I did. And so far, he is fucking winning at 2013.
He's had a new girlfriend for most of this year and it seems like she's making him very happy. All of his photos/trips/etc show him very happy. I'm still single, my job situation remains unstable, and I've lost touch with friends who he seems to be very much in touch with.
I know my life is my responsibility and his life is his, but he did incredibly shit things and his life is good and he is happy. and mine kind of sucks. so, blarg.
@goblin market Blargh!!! That sucks! I've been there, I got super jealous and wondered why him and why not me? However, I blocked his feed and we do keep in touch by the very occasional text. Today, I found out his luck had changed for the worse, poor fella. The moral: One day, he might become a carny. True story.
@MissJudgeMental had to control a snerk at my desk here imagining my ex as a carny. you've just made monday infinitely better (and your advice is very sound)
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I checked my ex's facebook profile for the first time today since the beginning of the year. I haven't seen him since just around then, and plan to never see him again. At the end of last year I found out that he'd betrayed my trust and lied about serious issues to myself and to our friends and I dumped him.
Blarg. I need a place to comment dump stuff, since my first impulse would be to write this on Facebook and that would be a terrible plan that no one wants to hear about.
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