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Monday, July 22, 2013

117

Goosebumps for Grown-Ups

The Egg Harvest

Seriously, Has Anyone Seen My Checkbook?

The Armpit Lump

Dad Is Calling at 3 O'Clock in the Morning

I Left My ID at Home and My Flight Leaves in Half an Hour

Attack of the Ingrown Hairs

I Have a Caulking Gun and I AM Afraid to Use It, Now That You Ask

Return of the Fruitflies

Stay Out of the Basement, Because We Can't Afford a New Washing Machine Right Now

Hunger-Induced Insomnia

My Tax Preparer Is a Fucking Wizard

Put Down that Speculum

Holly Richmond is afraid of most things, but especially drowning in an upside-down kayak. Sometimes she tweets.

117 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

oh my GOD these are genius. they all made me laugh except the last one, which made me do Fear Kegels™.

Scandyhoovian

Put Down That Speculum, or alternately, You May Feel A Little Pinch.

dj pomegranate

@Scandyhoovian Curling your toes might help! *

*Actual words spoken to me by OB-GYN during exam.

Emby

Fruitflies. Nemeses!

MmeLibrarian

@Emby I've been locked in battle with those little bastards for a week now. We are to the pouring boiling water down all the drains stage of the fight. I think I'm winning.

Tragically Ludicrous

@MmeLibrarian We've got a few now, I'm trying the cider-and-dish-soap thing. It worked last time (years ago on another continent) so hopefully it will do the same now?

Emby

@MmeLibrarian I fought a truly epic war with those assholes last summer. One night, enough was enough, and I spent ~4 hours camped out in my kitchen swatting/clapping as many as I could find, and spraying flying ones with cleaning products. I must have killed hundreds by my lonesome. In the end, that turned the tide and soon after they were gone. I stood tall as MacArthur that day.

Emby

@Tragically Ludicrous My fruitflies were hilariously unfazed by that approach. They responded only to brute force.

BoozinSusan

@Tragically Ludicrous Yeah we do white vinegar and dish soap, and it seems to work.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Leaving out a little sweet wine overnight is a great way to drown them. I don't know that it would deal with a serious infestation, or really even with a small one, but waking up to some drowned flies is somewhat gratifying.

QuadrophonicSound

@Tragically Ludicrous My old roommate and I did balsamic vinegar and a drop of dish soap (and some water) in a jar. I think we might have put a funnel (point down) on top, too? Anyway, worked like a CHARM.

Dirty Hands

@Emby Went home this weekend and MY PARENTS FORGOT TO WASH THE BLENDER AND IT IS FULL OF FRUIT FLY LARVAE barf barf barf barf barf.

peculiarity

I Forgot To Buy Tampons, Oh Crap

That Tupperware Container Has Sprouted Hairs

One of the Cats Puked but I Can't Tell Which One

I Just Arrived For A Week-Long Work Conference in San Francisco but Forgot My Anti-Depressant

Why Is My Bedroom Carpet Wet?

iceberg

@peculiarity I Thought You Brought The Diaper Bag

peculiarity

@peculiarity My Period Is Late!!!!

Sis Needs to Borrow How Much?

The Repo Man Strikes in the Night

When the Cashier No Longer Cards You for Buying Wine...

MmeLibrarian

Mom & Her Smartphone

rekabeka

@MmeLibrarian Truth - except in my case it would be "Mother-in-Law and Her iPad, and Her Cable, and Her Forgetting Yet Again Where She Packed That Coupon for the All You Can Eat Buffet."

Amphora

@MmeLibrarian Samsung's "Basic Mode" is a LIFESAVER.

Scandyhoovian

@MmeLibrarian Mom on the Facebook

chevyvan

@MmeLibrarian This is my life now. I'm supposed to research how to tell the GPS how to avoid the freeway.

penultimate toothpaste squeeze

The Perpetually Empty Refrigerator

but seriously, the fruit flies win

lookuplookup

I lived Return of the Fruitflies this morning when I came back into the office after a week-long work trip only to find out that (surprise! except, not really!) no one had emptied our office compost bin in god knows how long.

Re: Put Down that Speculum, my boyfriend manages the budget for a health-related thing & just found out what a speculum is because someone put in a PO request to buy some and he had to google it. How do you even get that far in life (and spend the last several years working in the health field) and not know what a speculum is?!

QuiteAmiable

The Abscessed Tooth

puncturedbicycle

@QuiteAmiable The Bill for Your Root Canal
25% of Root Canals are Unsuccessful aka The Bill for your Extraction

feartie

Is that a bedbug coming out of our new Craigslist furniture?

Missed the subway on platform heatstroke

Health Insurance!

Looking up hyperdontia on the internet because idiocy.

It's just the house settling, it's just the house settling,

The casual acquaintance's wedding

annejumps@twitter

@feartie I saw the warning right there, I know what hyperdontia is, and yet I still Googled

Scandyhoovian

@annejumps@twitter WHY DID I GOOGLE IT

Scandyhoovian

@Scandyhoovian because idiocy, you idiot

polka dots vs stripes

@feartie I usually have a strong stomach for googling, but OH GOD WHY.

Anyone else who thinks they can handle it: YOU CAN'T. STEP AWAY FROM THE GOOGLE.

hurts

@feartie damn you, damn me, damn everything I'm done here

hurts

@hurts Also I WISH it WAS 6:10 I'm on GMT +1 and it's 11:15 pm and I just came on here to check it before bed I am aaaaaall kinds of dumb

lora.bee

@feartie Can someone please tell me what it is in the least scary terms, because I really want to know but am afraid to google!!

you're a kitty!

@annejumps@twitter seconded CURIOSITY WHY

you're a kitty!

@lora.bee it's.... it's too many teeth.

too many

amitygardens@twitter

@feartie Too many teeth in your mouth. You are not supposed to have that many. Just...why? Who thought that was a good idea?

Jocasta Carr

PUT THAT SPECULUM DOWN RIGHT NOW. OR AT LEAST WARM IT UP A LITTLE FIRST. ALSO STOP TELLING ME TO RELAX, DAMMIT, YOU'RE PUSHING SHARP METAL INTO ME HOW IS THAT RELAXING???

polka dots vs stripes

@Jocasta Carr I won't lie, my college's health center has plastic light up ones (like, the light shined through the clear plastic of the speculum?) and it was awesome. Not all that relaxing, but it helped at least a little.

olivebee

Absolutely brilliant.

Also:

My Husband is Going Out of Town (And He's the One Who Cooks)
Oh No, Did We Forget to Pay the Electric Bill?
The Mole Came Back Pre-cancerous
The Tub Sprung a Leak (and We Own Now)
My Car was Stolen! (Oh Wait, I Parked it on the Other Block This Time)
Every Time the Phone Rings, an Elderly Relative Has Died

Kikimora

@olivebee Holy shit, the only one of those that hasn't happened to me in the past two years is the tub! Probably only because we still rent.

dj pomegranate

HOW much did you say the co-pay was?

empathicalist

@dj pomegranate - How can that not be covered?

polka dots vs stripes

@dj pomegranate

Uninsured woman at the pharmacy pays less than you; why is health insurance a thing again?

large__marge

I Pooped in a Thrift-Store Bathroom and the Sink Isn't Working, or, Nightmares Are Most Influenced by Real-Life Events

lora.bee

@large__marge The Coffee Poos.

large__marge

@lora.bee I Need a Bathroom NOW but I Also Need to Find a Good Place to Hide Away these Coach Sandals I'm Going to Get a Great Deal On

irrrriiiissshmeeeeexi

"Never say Brazilian"
"Night of the missing receipts: how much did I spend last night, seriously?"
the sequel to that book would be "Beware!the hangover! you're too old to recover."
"The curse of the period. but don't worry you're not pregnant this month."
"Another parking ticket."
"Attack of the aunts! they're going to want to help plan your wedding!"

RoxxieRae

@irishmexi AHAHAHAHAHAHA Yes. My cold-sweat inducing titles include:

Did I Take $20 out of EVERY ATM IN SAN FRANCISCO LAST NIGHT?

and, the chilling sequel...

I Have $120 and it is the 12th and I Get Paid on the 31st.

Amphora

Your Parents Want To Talk About Their Will

Amphora

@Amphora Crime And Rent Prices Are Up This Year

polka dots vs stripes

@Amphora You Received Your Father's DNR In The Mail With No Warning

Miss Maszkerádi

@Amphora MINE HAVE STARTED DOING THIS IT IS THE ACTUAL WORST

.abbey

Your Lease Is Up Soon And You've Not Found A New Place

So, You Forgot To Bring Tampons: First Date

So, You Forgot To Bring Tampons 2: Very Busy Day At Work

Your Ex Is Coming To This Party Tonight

A. Louise

@.abbey All of these, especially the first and last one. (I always have no less than 5 tampons on me at any time because my goosebumps horror story is just PERIOD in general)

polka dots vs stripes

@A. Louise I have an IUD and I still carry tampons everywhere because....you never know!

Linette

Was I the only person who was genuinely scared by Goosebumps books? They actually made my stomach hurt. Tell me I'm not alone here.

penultimate toothpaste squeeze

@Linette Not alone! I couldn't even read the "not scary" one about the girl who played basketball.

smidge

@Linette too scary, did not read

Devushka

@Linette I tried reading one once, and I had to skip to the end and then bury the book somewhere in a closet.

dj pomegranate

@Linette Right there with you. Guaranteed nightmares. Too scary, did not read, would not recommend.

Lisa Frank

I'm Drowning in Student Loans, and I Can't Find a Job in my Field.

When are You Giving Me Grandchildren?

I Want You to be My Bridesmaid!

dj pomegranate

@Lisa Frank I thought we would just DIY alllllll the wedding decorations!

RNL
RNL

Let's Go Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

It's Not Really 'Seafoam'

amitygardens@twitter

@Lisa Frank Don't Touch That Huge Pimple

Buffy Summers

Eating While Home Alone and Other Chocking Hazards
Metro Escalators Give Me Vertigo
Everywhere Fun Is Too Loud
Margarita Heartburn

.abbey

@Buffy Summers no but everywhere fun IS too loud

smidge

oh man this weekend I really did leave my ID at a restaurant and didn't realize it until the morning of my flight (it turned out okay but uuuuggghhhh)

OxfordComma

*nods*

Truth.

lora.bee

Those Photos Of You From Five Years Ago At the Bar Will Never Leave Facebook

lora.bee

@lora.bee Actually, just Facebook.

That's it.

OxfordComma

Also:

Majoring in the Arts: Forever Underemployed

The Boss from Hell

How Many Children Did You Say You Want?

itiresias

Attack of the Ingrown Hairs on a recent vacation was so violent it actually made my boyfriend ask how I'd feel about changing my pube-scaping routine.

itiresias

@itiresias "your vagina looks angry"

amitygardens@twitter

@itiresias Oh no. This is why I have a full bush. Shaving my underarms is enough. Goddamn ingrown hairs.

lora.bee

"Do You Do Anal?": A Choose Your Own Adventure in Online Dating!

up cubed

@lora.bee: Do you want blue cheese on that steak?

Kulojam

@upupandaway *actually spits out water laughing for first time in life; is unfortunately stil at work*

like a rabid squirrel

The House Centipede that Got Away

(No really where is it?)

wallsdonotfall

@like a rabid squirrel The answer to this in my house is usually "cats" but then I found a mostly-intact centipede corpse in a hairball the other day.

or Elsa!

@like a rabid squirrel ACK, THE HORROR. The Fella and I have a deal if/when* I don't overcome my phobia quickly enough to smash a centipede before it squirms away: he goes into the room, I leave the room (and don't peek), he makes bug-smashy sounds for a plausible length of time, then comes out and tells me he got it... and I never, ever ask if he's lying. It works out pretty great**.

*Oh, fine: we all know it's mostly "when."

**I have persuaded myself that "he deals w/ centipedes, I deal w/ the cable company" is a fair division of dreaded tasks.

amitygardens@twitter

@like a rabid squirrel The spider is dead, but it's friends are coming to get me

Dances With Nerds

Happen to be living the armpit lump one as of last night! Adulthood is the worst.

RNL
RNL

@Dances With Nerds I'm sorry! Good luck!

QuadrophonicSound

I'm living "Return of the Plumber: The Water Heater That Will Not Stay Fixed" right now.

Also, "Don't Look That Tupperware/It Came From The Back Of The Fridge."

lora.bee

@QuadrophonicSound "It Came From the Back Of The Fridge" would be a TERRIFYING horror movie title.

Megasus

Just get the kind of kayak that you sit on top of rather than inside of. (This exists my family used to have two).

This is basically my Goosebumps book: "Why do my bones hurt today, I'm only 27."

angelinha

Something Just Snapped Under the Hood of Your Car

angelinha

The Food I Am Eating Is Not Hard Enough to Warrant That Crunch, a/k/a A Piece of My Filling Just Fell Out

Queen Elisatits

Are You Two Engaged Yet?

A. Louise

@Queen Elisatits OH MY GOD ALL OF MY HORRORS AHHHH

OxfordComma

@Queen Elisatits : And its sequels:

Don't You Think it's Time to Move On?

You're Not Getting Any Younger

RNL
RNL

Let's Look at a Slideshow of My Wedding Pictures

RNL
RNL

My Dad's Fiancee Is Having a Lingerie Bridal Shower and I Have to Go

hurts

I Typed A Long Comment I Thought Was Pretty Funny And It Disappeared
Your Friend's New Boyfriend is a Men's Rights Activist
Your Friend Has Married That Boyfriend

amitygardens@twitter

@hurts That is a spiral of doom right there.

Salsify

Worrying About Being Stressed: Circle of Doom
The Week The College Students Returned To Campus
A Waking Nightmare: Everyone But You is Happy and Successful
OkCupid

lavender gooms

Ugh, I got the 3 AM (Actually 1:45) Call From Dad.

In less awful news, my other adult Goosebumps are So Many Bugs in the Kitchen, Dad Vs The Web Browser Toolbars, and What Food Will We Suddenly Refuse To Eat Today? A Story About Cats.

frenz.lo

Anyone Whatsoever Has Left Me a Voicemail

squishycat

I Though You Said Your Mother Spoke English, And Other Tales of Awkwardness
Text From Boss at 10 pm

hurts

@squishycat TEXT FROM BOSS!! TEXT FROM BOSSS!!!

TheLetterL

These are all perfect. You are all perfect.

Hot Doom

Chin Whiskers: The Reaping

Life; or How I became over-educated and under-employed

OxfordComma

@Hot Doom : AHAHAHAHAHHA *sob* AHAHahahahaha

Hot Doom

Your Sallie Mae Monthly Invoice is Ready to View

pajamaralls

@Hot Doom Sallie Mae has been sending me invoices to inform me that I don't owe them money (right now). It's...oddly comforting.

puncturedbicycle

Welcome to Existential Angst
The Night of the Moral Compromise
Tea Party Mom

RNL
RNL

Last Minute Change of Plans: Your Boyfriend's Ex is Coming on This Overnight Sailing Trip And You Forgot To Get a Wax

Slapfight

The Retirement Age is 75
Questioning Life Choices With A Bottle Of Riesling
I'm Stable Enough To Keep It, I Guess
Dreams Die When You Stop Getting Adult Acne

eringobragh

@puncturedbiycle ugh i have an impending Tea Party Mother in Law, which is infinitely worse. She X-d out Obama's face on my nephew's "Learn the Presidents" placemats...

puncturedbicycle

@eringobragh Omg. I'm so sorry! But it is a little like an illness with these people, so maybe feel sorry for her - ? (That thing with the placemats is wrong - and I'm a huge Obama supporter - but as a futile protest it is also making me laugh.)

Bert Macklin, FBI

Why Can I Never Remember My Anti-Depressants When I Go Anywhere?
My Mom and All the Aunts Left Voicemails - Who's Dead?!
Grandpa Gets an eReader

OxfordComma

Also:

Why Don't You Just Retire, Boss?

(No, seiously, you're older than dinosaurs. Please retire.)

OxfordComma

Animal, Vegetable, Mineral: Can't I Just Eat Cheez-its?

The Attack of the 30-Year-Old Knees

All of Your Co-Workers are Fetuses

The 12-Hour Emergency Room Wait

WebMd: The Terror

Miss Maszkerádi

A few weeks ago I was just wasting time wandering around town with a friend, phone on silent, when I pulled it out to check the time. I'm horrified to see three missed calls and a voicemail from my dad, who NEVER calls me. He'll text, or wait till my mom inevitably calls and pass on a message that way. Obviously, someone has just died. So I'm punching buttons and turning pale and in a cold sweat, until I start listening to the voicemail and.....rustling silence. That's when I remember my dad has just been forced to adopt smartphone technology at work.
So yeah, I got scared shitless by repeated butt calls.

nill lee

@MmeLibrarian This is my life now. I'm supposed to research how to tell the GPS how to avoid the freeway.

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