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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

857

A Very American Open Thread

Have a wonderful few days. We'll see you back here first thing Monday.

Photo via chuckthewriter/flickr.

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open thread



857 Comments / Post A Comment

Girl Named Jack

Aww! Starting out the OT with good ol' Smallbany.

Girl Named Jack

@Girl Named Jack Oh, good God, did I comment first, with a lame joke about Albany, no less? Eeep! {runs and hides}

Biketastrophy

@Girl Named Jack Its okay, while Lark Street is nice, and everyone loves seeing the egg from a distance, its Albany, the capitol that no one thinks is relevant due to the shadow cast by the southern end of the state.

magnowlia

@Biketastrophy all the Albany love.

xxAnniexx

@Girl Named Jack Albanyyyyyy!

flimflannery

@Girl Named Jack That convention center is where I took the bar, so seeing it in fireworks makes me happy. (also I kind of love it because its trying so hard to be The Future)

Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse

@Girl Named Jack Albanyyyy <3

thisisunclear

@xxAnniexx ALBANY!!!!! I'm so late to this but always in love with mah hometown.

thisisunclear

@Girl Named Jack Don't hide! This is the perfect day to Have a Party, Albany!

XZDHSHERU

@Girl Named Jack
Hey~`My Life is so lonely .How about you? I need a man who can love me back , Recently, I join a serious black white dating site on__ MixêdMàtching. ℂoм___ I just want to find my true love. This is the best place for looking for interracial dating, relationship,love or marriage. Specialize in bringing together singles who want to date different races. .)If you are single, try a try.
XB

deepomega

Time to saddle up the ol' eagle and soar off into the sunset.

Drawn7979

@deepomega
Yep!

Linette

I would like some props for the longest relationship of my adult life.

We just celebrated our six month anniversary. (I KNOW, it's not that long, but it is sort of a coup for me.) We've been friends for six years, involved for one and a half, and officially together since January. We're living together, we're both wanting it to work long-term, and I've honestly never been so happy in my life.

I'm one of those people who expected to be comfortably single for her entire life. This relationship and the amount of joy it's brought me are something of a revelation. Please tell me all your stories about thinking you wanted to be one way and finding out you were happy another way. Unexpectedly happy single, unexpectedly happy together not married, unexpectedly happy divorced, unexpectedly happy married, whatever your groove. I want to know.

garli

@Linette I thought I would be happily single for life. When I met my husband I thought he was a one night stand turned summer fling. Being married/living with him/ everything is great.

I also thought I wanted to be an ivory tower academic and it turns out I'm way happier in industry with set hours and better benefits.

smidge

@Linette Always been attracted to scruffy hipsters, fell in love with and married a clean cut athletic guy who works at a bank, he's absolutely the best and I still get excited and fluttery when he walks in the door.

hallelujah

@Linette Got pregnant by a dude I was with less than a year and pretty lukewarm on. He took off within a week. Five months later, he came back, made it through every obstacle I threw up, and now we're married and he's the best dad on the entire planet. If you told me that's how it was going to end at the beginning, I would have punched you in the face & demanded $100 for saying something so ridiculous.

supernintendochalmers

@Linette Yay! I think there's something that happens when you are finally okay being alone that allows you to find healthier and better partners.

Quinn A@twitter

@Linette I'm not really happy in an unexpected way - I kind of always wanted to get married, and I didn't meet my fiancee until a few years after I accepted that there was a very good chance that my life partner would not be male - but I am happy for your unexpected happiness! And am also enjoying the particular pleasure of the longest relationship of my adult life.

amitygardens@twitter

@Linette I managed to find the cutest ginger who loves me and takes care of me like no other. Wasn't expecting to find that perfect someone for me, but I did and am so happy. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

iceberg

@Linette This one's a bit silly, but: I've always been a cat person, never had a dog until Mr. Iceberg and I got a shelter puppy, and apart from dealing with all the poop (which cats handle themselves), it's been really lovely - she's always loving and super excited to see us and be with us.

SmartCookie

@Linette I'm unexpectedly happy and single. I'm finally completely out from under my crazy overbearing parents (late 20's. yup.) and despite their premonitions I'm handling it. I have an apartment I like, my car is paid off, I'm in the process of getting a raise and it generally feels really really good to stand on my own 2 feet.

frenz.lo

@Linette I met my now-husband when we were both pretty young. He was 22, and I was a few months short of 25. We were both kind of ne'erdowells at the time, and I never thought he and I would end up dating, let alone married, but so far, so good. 3 years married next week.

ach_so

@Linette My aunt was divorced about 10 years ago from a man she had been married to for 13 years. He left very abruptly, and it was (obviously) very hurtful & tough. Soon after the divorce, though, she decided she was going to have a great attitude about it. She gamely dated for a few years before meeting her current boyfriend, who is wonderful. They have plans to get married in the far-off future (& have been together for 5 years now) & are very happy.

mochi

@Linette This is a brilliant idea for a thread.

mrsnurse

@Linette Props to you! I thought I would be happily single forever. At the time I met my current partner, I was two-timing a couple of dudes I didn't really care about, then I went out with my partner to see if I could manage dating three guys at once. Instead I dumped both of the other dudes, moved in with my new man, and, after spending the majority of my 20's proclaiming I would never have children, we are officially not using birth control/letting nature take it's course. Agggh! Totally not how I'd thought my life might turn out, and never happier.

And in my work life, I thought I'd be some career oriented work lady achieving something high and mighty. I guess I never figured that out, and instead find myself a school nurse. I thought I hated kids, then one summer I couldn't get any other job so I took one at a weight loss camp for teenagers (seriously), and found out I love it. So basically, the way my life is turning out is a total surprise to me, and I love it. Congrats to you too.

cminor

@Linette I always thought that being with someone monogamously would leave nagging doubts in my mind just naturally about other men. However, I met my boyfriend almost 3 months ago to the day, and I've never had such an instant connection with anyone. I was happily dating a few other people at the time and almost as soon as I met my boyfriend I didn't want to spend time with anyone else. We've both examined our feelings to make sure they're not infatuation, and though it has only been three months, I don't doubt my choice. It's a new and safe feeling.

clover

@Linette

Congrats about your relationship! My story is not romantic, but I always thought I wanted to move far far away from my hometown, then I ended up staying and discovering lots of cool things about it that I never appreciated before. Now I can't really see myself moving anywhere else :)

Scandyhoovian

@Linette I was alone and happy being that way from the end of high school all the way until I was about 27, which I liked a lot -- I had a few false starts along the way but nobody really pinged my radar enough to make me want to give up my life of doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without anyone else getting in my way. But then around 27 I started feeling kind of miserable about it, so I started dating. The first guy was such an awful horrible person that I thought, "Maybe I'm better alone," and almost retreated into my shell of spinsterhood. And then along came a good friend of mine, who introduced me to a good friend of his, and we were so well-suited to each other that I never looked back. We've been together for 3 years and married for just over 6 months, and it's awesome. I don't miss spinsterhood even a little.

carolinaclay

i love this <3@y

Biketastrophy

2pm on a Wednesday! Nice.

It basically is my 4pm on Friday, so this works perfect.

lora.bee

Can Canadians hang out here too? Particularly very tired, slightly hungover, can't-focus-because-it's-the-last-day-before-her-vacation Canadians?

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@lora.bee As a somewhat tired Canadian who just happens to have tomorrow off, I say yes. Happy belated Canada Day! I got stuck in a crowd that couldn't go anywhere for half an hour because of Harper's motorcade. I think I saw his hand waving at crowds and crowds of people who probably didn't vote for him. CANADA!

lora.bee

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Happy belated Canada Day to YOU! I spent Canada Day on my couch in front of the fan because it was so stinkin' hot in Vancouver. Not complaining. My day was just one long nap.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@lora.bee I'm half-Canadian, so I'll half-hang on this thread!

This is my new username

@lora.bee Haha, this is exactly how I spent my Canada Day too! Happy Belated Canada Day fellow Canadians!

lora.bee

@Canadians Guyyyyyss, I just put hot sauce all over my Noodle Box for god knows what reason, and IT BURNS

eleventyone

@lora.bee I live in America where no one knew it was Canada Day :(
I get tomorrow off though so I think my fellow Canadian buddies and I will try to make up for it!

redheaded&crazy

@eleventyone oh if I were in america, I'd be making damn sure everybody knows it's canada day. like maybe I'd do something mardi gras style except with red and white beads only, you get them for doing nice things, I don't know, I'm making this up as I go.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazy i realize my canada gras event is about a billion less times fun and exciting sounding. there's drinking involved too! and poutine.

I Want To Go To There

@redheaded&crazy i actually spent my canada day in america ( :/ ????) AND IT WASN'T THAT BAD

martinipie

WHOA I was not expecting this.

ANYway: how do yall deal with weird jealousy/totally batty feelings that are definitely rooted in Deeper Issues but are being set off by Current Things? Current recipe is alternating sweaty yoga class evenings with bourbon evenings but idk.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@martinipie ummm I don't usually deal with them very well. Usually with food or crying or (my new panacea) watching Veep.

sophia_h

@martinipie When I have irrational feelings I don't like but which I can't seem to reason away, I kind of split my brain into two. One person has to act like a normal, civilized human adult and be happy for the person or not get into a fight or whatever it is you need to do to act correctly, but the other half gets to experience the shitty feelings while acknowledging they're irrational, or not really about the current situation, or whatever. So it's not "be nice to the person to their face and rage behind their backs," but "do the best you can to think about the situation rationally, but still leave space for yourself to be pissed or hurt or whatever in private until you can come to peace with the situation." So, sweaty yoga and bourbon seems like a good idea for a while, until you can reconcile both halves.

martinipie

@sophia_h That is really good advice and definitely how I should frame my bizarre feelings going forth.

iceberg

@sophia_h wow this is actually hugely relevant, thank you!

fabel

@sophia_h I do this too, but I don't think I ever reconcile both halves? Or, sometimes I do, but when I don't---it leads to even MORE irrational feelings of, "which thing should I be feeling? Which half is the right one?" (even if I've started off knowing which one was the irrational one) So... :-\

Linette

@martinipie In some situations, you can explain your irrationality to the person it affects. Like, "I really want to feel this way for you because that is what you deserve, but I am actually feeling this way because of my own stuff, and feeling guilty about it, so I just want to say sorry if that accidentally gets in the way of me showing you the support you deserve."

Adjust according to situation, and sometimes it doesn't work because the person is not the kind of person you can talk to directly, but it does work well with people you are close to.

sophia_h

@iceberg and martinpie I mean, I'm not always the best at it, but I've just learned that trying to force yourself to feel like you "should" really doesn't work, so you have to let part of yourself have that toddler tantrum. It does really help if you have someone (partner, mom, therapist, best friend) who you can rant at with all the ugly feelings, knowing you're trying to get over them.

SmartCookie

@sophia_h I thought I was the only one who did this! When I'm feeling extra weird a let the 2 halves debate on paper. Something about writing it out really helps. Just maybe hide the notebook really well!

lemonadefish

@martinipie I am dealing with my intense anger toward Kate Middleton for having a (sure to be) adorable prince[ss] on my former due date by crying and eating too much chocolate. (The fact that I live on another continent and will never ever run into her socially helps me avoid assault.) Probably not very helpful, so, you know, keep up with the yoga and bourbon.

phlox lombardi

@martinipie Get out of my head, OK?!

sophia_h

@lemonadefish *hugs* all my anxieties and irrational feelings lately have been pregnancy-related, they are the worst. Personally I have been super jealous of her for getting to have round the clock medical care from people who are probably not allowed to tell her she's being irrationally anxious.

martinipie

@phlox lombardi Girl/boy/whichever you prefer, I just wanna get out of my head too :(

Queen of Pickles

@martinipie I alternate sweaty yoga evenings and G&T evenings. Hello, friend.

sophia_h

Is anyone watching Wimbledon? This Murray v Verdasco match is never gonna end.

sophia_h

@sophia_h I lied, Murray is magic.

lobsterhug

Did you see The Heat?!?! Wasn't it fantastic? It's all the misandry. I adored it.

I also had the surreal experience of paying $4.50 for a 20 oz medium soda at the theater. It was like going back in time.

hallelujah

@lobsterhug DID YOU SAY MISANDRY?? *puts on cape, flies to movie theater*

angelinha

@lobsterhug Is that expensive or cheap?

Dirty Hands

@lobsterhug Ooh I loooooved it. A bit too much swearing for my taste and a couple of the gristlier scenes keep flashing through my mind just as I try to go to sleep, but perhaps the rest of y'all aren't six like me.

lobsterhug

@angelinha The price is typical but I'm used to getting a medium twice that size for the same price.

Helvetica

But what will everyone in Europe do!? There's so much week left!

Linette

@Helvetica You are already winning the gif war in the Open Thread today.

[sic]

@Helvetica THIS IS US RIGHT NOW!!

(and yes, it's actually raining where I am).

Helvetica

@[sic] It's cloudless here but raining in my heart.

[sic]

@Helvetica But we'll show them! On that...secret...pan-European holiday. That we all celebrate. Secretly. *shifty look*

Hot Doom

@Helvetica I'm going to wear red, white and blue tomorrow, because I'm a jerk, and no one here will notice anyway, and maybe have a cheeky bbq and a beer. Or, I might do nothing. We'll see.
But, but...no hairpin :(

Bittersweet

@Helvetica The head of my company's European office is visiting the States this week. We are throwing him an old-fashioned, in-your-face 4th of July barbecue tomorrow at my boss's house. If nothing else, he gets an extra holiday out of it (and the chance to get totally wasted).

Helvetica

@Hot Doom Hahaa, I actually am wearing a red shirt and blue jeans - and my skin is more white than a normal colour - but not on purpose. Now, though, I can imagine I am being in 4th of July mood!

harebell

@Helvetica
Ha, I had totally forgotten about the fourth until I saw this thread.

No fireworks today, but the running of the bulls is happening on the 6th so there will be fireworks every day for a week really soon.

Oy vey, I am ambivalently looking forward to the running of the bulls and also going to my first bullfight on the 8th. Going because I am visiting in-laws for a month and that's what you do here, not because I am a bullfighting enthusiast at heart or anything. Pure chance. If anybody gone before and has tips or a great cheat-sheet of the details of a corrida, I am all ears. Otherwise just reading my Hemingway dutifully and getting prepared as a blonde extranjera to be a good sport when lots of people throw champagne and scraps of food at me during the pauses in action and call me a "guiri." (As one family friend said about the food-throwing, "don't worry, it's not like it hurts!" ... just before suggesting that we consume a certain vey 1980s substance during the corrida to make it even more intense... so I am taking her advice with a grain of salt).

Hot Doom

@Helvetica England appears to be giving it the old college try:

ohbladi

@harebell I went to a bullfight in Madrid a few years ago with some Spanish friends. From everything I had ever heard and read, it seemed like it would be a barbaric, vestigial event that had no place in the modern world. After going, I have to say that (for me) it was indeed a barbaric, vestigial event that has no place in the modern world. I went when my brother was visiting because I felt the need to see something in person before making 100 judgments about it. It was pretty cool when we arrived- it felt so old school, classic Spain, with ladies and their handkerchiefs and the ceremony of it all. There were royals in the audience and it you could imagine the whole Sun Also Rises kind of thing. But when the actual stabbing started, I felt so sick. You should know that there are 6 bulls, not just one, and if the bullfighter misses or doesn't jab the bull 'correctly' you are basically paying to watch an injured bull try to keep going. Al final I can't really say that I'm glad that I went because I most certainly didn't enjoy myself, but I feel like it was an interesting (though painful) experience that opened my mind? I don't know. Despite the fact that I just compared it to watching murder for sport I think it’s important to see if you live in Spain? One of my Spanish friends told me that they eat every bit of the bulls after killing them and that that meat is coveted but…yeah.

harebell

@ohbladi

okay, thanks for the warning. I'll be seeing it in Pamplona during the festival, so it will probably be even more atavistic than your Madrid experience -- the spectators will be much less formal -- people have been drinking since the running of the bulls at 8am or even the night before, and pour wine and champagne on each other (especially foreigners) and are generally saturnalian. I don't really have a choice given the family situation about going once in my life -- this is where my husband is from, even though we don't live here -- so we'll see how it goes. He did make sure several times that I know we can leave after the first bull if it's too much, so that's good.

For me I guess, we do live in a society where we kill animals all the time but usually hide it, so there is something ethical about bringing it out in view for once. But then, the corrida is not about procuring food even if the bull is eaten, it's obviously about turning the bull's death into a heroic spectacle, so there the ethics flip back again. I don't know -- and don't really want to prejudge it before getting a first-hand experience.

megeliza

i have a crush. and i think he's interested. i curled my hair today and i'm going to see him tonight (at a group event).

i feel like i'm 14 years old.

liverwortlaura

@megeliza don't forget your lipgloss! and good luck!

fabel

@megeliza I miss this feeling. Enjoy it!

megeliza

@liverwortlaura ahhh lipgloss. thanks for the reminder :)

lora.bee

@megeliza BUT BE CAREFUL OF YOUR HAIR STICKING TO IT

megeliza

@lora.bee that would be a disaster. seriously. i feel like i'm 14. i can't decide if its concerning or AWESOME. i'm going to convince myself its the latter

frumious bandersnatch

@megeliza CRUSHES ARE GREAT

ETA the feeling of a teenage crush + the sexual experience to have a better idea of what you want and the confidence to communicate it? YES PLZ. Plus, I think enjoying the spark of a crush and delineating it from long-term emotions--it can be as much about you enjoying the feeling of liking someone short term as it is about them, and THAT'S OK if you embrace it!--is a really healthy thing once in a while. And then if it does turn into something more, that's another thing to celebrate!

LaLoba

Alright, I've been foolish before and I've failed to listen to advice and I've taken steps backward. A year of my life won't come back. BUT NOW. NOW. The abuser is gone, and I won't let him back in the house this time. OUT. GONE. NEVER AGAIN.

A grapefruit spoon dug out my guts. There is nothing but a paper whisper holding my bones up; they remember they are supposed to stand, so they do. There's nothing left inside right now, but there is room to start over.

And I started taking Kung fu.

martinipie

@LaLoba here to give you a fistpound and wish you luck on the roads ahead of you

Biketastrophy

@LaLoba BONUS now you can quote Keanu Reeves to everyone.

Or I guess NEGATIVE they might quote it at you.

"I know Kung Fu"

LaLoba

@martinipie THANKS IT'S GONNA BE SO COOL.

iceberg

@LaLoba Oh, all of the congratulations and envy and awe of your braveness!

frenz.lo

@LaLoba Hey, sis, sometimes you have to take a couple of tries to get a bad habit out of your life. Congratulations!

packedsuitcase

@LaLoba Congratulations on this! And Kung fu is a solid choice.

theotherginger

@LaLoba you are a beautiful writer. keep at the kung fu and it is bound to work out, one way or the other.

Madeline Shoes

@LaLoba Congratulations - and speaking from experience, Kung Fu is a GREAT thing to start! My boyfriend started studying 8 years ago in the middle of crippling depression (like, he couldn't work or socialize and could barely leave the house). Between the physical commitment and the emotional support of his teachers and classmates, it totally saved his life. You can do it! Sometimes it drives me crazy that he's so committed to his school, but then I remember that he wouldn't be the person he is without it (and he's an awesome person).

royaljunk

Is anyone else devastated that TCM isn't showing 1776 until the middle of the night this year?

SIT DOWN JOHN
FOR GOD'S SAKE, JOHN, SIT DOWN

liverwortlaura

@royaljunk we're waiting for the scratch, scratch, scratch!

meetapossum

@royaljunk Someone OOOOOOOOOOPEENNN up a WINDOW.

smidge

@royaljunk SSAAAAAAAAALT PETEEEEEEEER

Faintly Macabre

@royaljunk I started singing that yesterday because I live in Philadelphia and I couldn't open up a window becaus there are too many flies and it is hot as hell.

blushingflower

@royaljunk Not everyone is from Boston, John.

meetapossum

@Faintly Macabre 1776: Still relevant!

Bittersweet

@royaljunk et al: I love you all so much.

Love, the lady who, when she returns home to Logan Airport, sings to herself, "Who flies a plane...back to Boston? Laden with people and baaaags"

Bittersweet

@Bittersweet Also, my husband is a violinist so every now and then when he's practicing I break into "HE PLAAYS THE VIOLIIIN..."

anachronistique

@royaljunk Um, I OWN THAT SHIT ON DVD because IT'S THE GREATEST. Everybody come over to my place.

queenofbithynia

NO, WHAT, what if we have to be back at work on Friday even though literally all the work due on Friday is already done and we were counting on commenting on the Hairpin all day long? what about that?

Biketastrophy

@queenofbithynia Then you call in sick due to "heat exposure" from July 4th festivites?

Moonshine Mona Lisa

@queenofbithynia Yes! I was happy to see the open thread today, but part of me was thinking, "Crap! How am I going to occupy myself on Friday?"

garli

@Moonshine Mona Lisa You come back to this open thread with everyone else?

Linette

@queenofbithynia Yeah, I think this open thread is probably going to continue until the weekend hits. I will certainly be refreshing it all damn day myself.

empathicalist

@queenofbithynia - Naps in the bathroom, what else?

professionalmess

@queenofbithynia Everyone who has to work Friday just promise to come back, because I might be the only one in my whole building coming in.

PennyCentury

@professionalmess yo I'll be here although I gotta say I'm super excited to be at the OT during my tedious paid-work day as opposed to my tedious unpaid work day! little victories!

Briony Fields

@Linette Excellent idea, I'm going to flood this thread with comments until Friday, damnit.

SmartCookie

@Briony Fields Done. They can make me come to work but they can't make me actually do any work.

discombobulated

@queenofbithynia Yeah, this is me. I'm hoping The Toast will have an open thread on Friday.

anachronistique

@queenofbithynia For reasons beyond my comprehension my office closed early today and is closing early Friday, instead of just giving us all Friday off. Dangit.

Lily Rowan

@queenofbithynia We're about half here... So far this morning, it's been all chatting and donuts.

At least it's air-conditioned! The one plus of being in the office.

iceberg

@Lily Rowan hey there's a few of us here at the bottom of the Open Thread! :) ps bring doughnuts

A. Louise

I'm so sad I can't dig up a 4th of July photo of me when I was younger, but can I send in a picture of me at my current age STILL wearing red, white and blue themed outfits on the 4th?

Tell me other people still do this!

meetapossum

@A. Louise Do people NOT do that?

iceberg

@A. Louise I definitely did this for a 4th of July event our first year in America, wearing red white & blue & feeling slyly smug for being so adorable, and then turned up and fucking everyone was wearing stars & stripes & eagles and shit. So bummed.

A. Louise

@meetapossum Thank GOD.

Also, do people still buy the Old Navy American Flag shirts for their whole family and wear them all together? I think I had a spaghetti strap one circa like 2001 and I felt so mature and special that I got to wear the fancy spaghetti strap one instead of the frumpy t-shirt kind. And I was always outwardly embarrassed by our group t-shirts but inwardly I kinda liked it, and now I miss it.

lookuplookup

@A. Louise My go to 4th of July outfit this summer is a pair of red shorts and a navy blue top patterned with white seashells and gold trim (see here). Of course it's unseasonably cool and rainy in Cleveland lately, meaning that I'm probably going to be blowing off the huge "4th of July" street party that I'm supposed to go to tonight, so...

meetapossum

@A. Louise I totally thought about buying something from ON this year, but then decided against it. I've got a red, white, and blue skirt or a red and white skirt that I wear with a blue shirt. It's the only time you can really get away with wearing those colors without it seeming like "AMERICA FUCK YEAH" all the time.

discombobulated

@A. Louise we were encouraged to wear red, white and blue at work today, so I'm wearing my Communist Party Threadless shirt and jeans. #doingitwrong

hallelujah

@A. Louise American flag printed short shorts here! Thank your Forever 21 (uncommon phrases)!

Jinxie

@iceberg Yeah, sorry. That's definitely a thing a lot of us do on the 4th, especially so in your part of the country. America, fuck yeah and all that.

jamielee

@A. Louise I do this! I am doing this right now! I am wearing skinny jeans, a red top and a blue-and-white seersucker blazer. PLUS I got my nails done at lunchtime and I picked a red with little shimmers, because why not really commit.

RK Fire

@discombobulated I don't know you, but I love you for doing this.

OhMarie

@A. Louise You should see my fingernails right now! They look insane!!

I also have a too-small flag t shirt that makes me look like a sausage but I wear it anyways because Festivity.

Inkling

@OhMarie
Sausages are very American!

hallelujah

So the roof of my venue caved in, and the wedding's in six weeks! Pro tip: 80 year old UAW halls not the most reliable structures. If I gotta do the whole thing in a park naked I will, though, as long as there's fireworks.

Related: Baby Lu, why are you crying this week? A: Because you missed an ear with that sunscreen and now it itches, also I'm an infant and you take me to fireworks displays constantly.

martinipie

@hallelujah *very softly* is this the real life

On a more serious note, I am so sorry!

lemonadefish

@hallelujah Oh my! Just throw some twinkle lights around, and get married in the rubble?

pajamaralls

@lemonadefish I'm almost positive that such a thing exists on Pinterest.

oh! valencia

@lemonadefish like they did on Friends!

meetapossum

Yay! This week is my favorite, guys. My birthday is July 8th so July 4th weekend is usually full of birthday funtimes. Saturday I'm having a pool party/BBQ at my friend's place (the Oasis of Astoria!).

My second date with the dude went well, but I am still sort of confused based on his actions. Dudes: Why can't I ever understand you?

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@meetapossum You have the same birthday as my mom! I don't know why I find this so exciting. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Also, I think that is just the way dudes are.

lasso tabasco

@meetapossum know who is super duper good at decoding confusing Guy Actions?

Pinners!

meetapossum

@lasso tabasco Ha! True! I was going to cut and paste what I wrote to my friend, but I left work early and now I'm home and don't have it. Fortunately that friend my Eternal Rock of Reason, so the basic advice is: Stop overthinking, meetapossum, and just do what you want. Which basically I need to tell myself all the time anyway.

@Rookie Thanks! Happy birthday to your mom! It's a good day :)

meetapossum

@lasso tabasco Part of it, at least, seems to texts not being a huge form of communication with him, possibly, but it is with me. Like, hey dude, acknowledge this hilarious picture of exotic birds they are apparently selling at the used furniture market on my block!

But then, obviously, logically: You have been on two dates. Chill the fuck out, me.

iceberg

Oh guys, I was not prepared for this.

To be totally honest, I've probably been doing more crying than the Bergy Bits this week.

I've sort of hinted at this before, but I have a problem with anger (and frustration and lack of patience), particularly when it comes to my kids, and it has gotten to the point where my husband is pretty much done with me. I'm not good at reading their cues and warding off tantrums, not as good as he is, and not as patient as he is with them. I've been unhappy and angry and nasty for so long, and it's dragged him down with me.

I had terrible (officially undiagnosed) post-natal depression that went untreated and grew into something much worse, but lately I've been optimistic; I've finally started to feel like the thing that was broken is healing, but I still don't really know how to be calm and manage the kids when they're screaming, hitting, and/or running away, and it kills me, because (a) they are mostly so, so good, and they want to be good, and (b) I want/need to raise them to be good, decent people, so I have to figure out how to control my own emotions so I can teach them how to do it.

Ahh this isn't really a question but I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Love you all.

liverwortlaura

@iceberg all the hugs, mama

hallelujah

@iceberg Kids are hard and you're wonderful, even if you're struggling right now. Hugs & kisses & all the cocktails, girl.

Linette

@iceberg I just want to remind you that you are being incredibly brave right now.

The difference, I've found, between people whose flaws cause damage to those they care about and the people whose flaws stay pretty contained is that the former blame everyone else for their flaws. You make me angry. You are not doing that. You know what belongs to you and you want it to be different, you want to change, and that means you will succeed.

It's so much easier to hide. It's easier to pretend that it's everyone else's problem, and that you don't need to change anything, and that anyone who says otherwise is being mean to you. It's easy, but it's also cowardly. And I just want to remind you that while it is hard to change, it is also brave. You are so brave. And your kids are so lucky to have a mother like you.

laurel

@iceberg I'm one of those terrible judgey childless women but even I don't see how someone with three simultaneous toddlers wouldn't have a problem with patience and anger and frustration at least some of the time. Not even I would roll my eyes at you if you just stood there counting to ten/pretending not to know them while your babies melted down in the grocery store.

iceberg

@Linette I was like that, with my husband, until pretty recently. I'm just a bit afraid that it's too late and I don't really know how to change even though I want to.

A. Louise

@iceberg my mom is a black-belt master of controlling her emotions and staying calm, and now that I'm a sort-of adult I really wish I had seen more of her frustration or just expressions of her emotions when things didn't go right or we were driving her nuts as little kids. I think it would have made me feel a lot less pressure to be 100% absolutely perfect and in control at all times, and not know how to handle it when things weren't. (Since they never are.)

I have a tough time talking to her about my faults or things in my life that she might not be 100% behind because she always seemed so infallible to me as a kid and even now, and I feel like I can't open up to her as fully because she is such a stoic person. It makes me embarrassed and guilty to have emotional reactions to things because she has everything SO well handled on the surface.

I love my mom, she is such a role model to me because she's been so strong in the face of a lot of really bad things - but I think being human and teaching your children that having bad feelings happens in real life to everyone at some point - and how you recover from them and explain them and handle them is a very important thing to be a great mom too.

You're doing great and one day those kids are going to grow up and realize how fucking hard it is to raise one kid, much less three at the same time, and be in total awe of their badass mom.

iceberg

@laurel I swear to GOD if one more person says "You must have your hands full, HEH HEH" (NB, only EVER said while all of them are somehow miraculously behaving), I will throw a child at them.

laurel

@iceberg Not to be all advice-givey, but the point you're at, where you've identified a problem but aren't sure how to go about fixing it, is the point where a therapist can be most effective. A short, goal-focused course of cognitive behavioral therapy or similar could give you tools for managing your reactions.

It can also show your partner that one is serious about addressing your responsibilities to the relationship.

ETA: At least you have a deep supply of child-ammunition!

Do strangers ever do anything helpful when multiples are having a cow in a public place? After reading about the Bergies here I now want to be an ally for parents of multiples.

supernintendochalmers

@iceberg I'm sorry that you're having a bad week. It will get better. It's incredibly brave of you to admit your faults and the fact that you want to work on yourself makes you more self-aware and thoughtful than most. I don't know shit about parenting but I know we're all in awe that you're raising three toddlers at once and still have such a great sense of humor about it here every week. Hugs. <3

Linette

@iceberg Ugh. I want to say that I doubt it's too late (because I do) but I don't want to undermine that you feel this way. I get why you would feel that way! But having been the person who was so angry about others in my life not acknowledging their stuff for years, and in several instances flat-out walking away, I was positively thrilled to welcome all of those people back into my life when they were ready to acknowledge their shit and to apologize for not acknowledging it for so long.

As for the not knowing how to change - wanting is a big part of it. Noticing what you're doing and why you're doing it, and trying to make different choices. If you involve your husband in that, you could probably get the twofer of getting both of you teamed up against this thing, and showing him that you really are trying to change in concrete ways. I tend to ask my partner and close friends to remind me when I'm slipping into old habits - 'Hey, just so you know, you're doing that thing again, maybe you want to take a break?'

If you need more support, please, please talk to a professional. You are under so much stress, it is completely understandable if this is not something you have the energy to tackle alone, or even alone + husband. You're overtired and you're probably not able to think as clearly as you used to be able to, and these completely physical limitations are probably undermining your sense of capability, because you used to be able to control yourself, so why not now?

Why not now because you're exhausted. None of us are as good at any of the things we do when we're exhausted. Give yourself a break. Get the support you need. And remember that it really is a big deal to be trying. It doesn't feel like it. It seems too small. But trust me, it is The Big Thing that makes all the difference. Everything follows from here.

You're the best, babe. I know it's hokey, but I believe in you. You can do this. And I believe you will.

iceberg

@all thanks you guys. I'm so glad I finally spilled my guts, tbh it feels a bit like lying when I just write about the funny lovable things the BBs do, even though it's all true as well.

iceberg

@laurel re strangers helping - short of stopping imminent disasters like one walking into traffic I think for me personally it would feel even more embarrassing to be offered help - I don't need someone else to remind me that I'm not coping... I don't know! I don't really mind the hands full comments, they're absolutely true after all. It's just sort of funny that they only ever happen when the BBs aren't being difficult.

Linette

@iceberg Just wanted to add that now I feel like an idiot because while I was writing that, @laurel and @supernintendochalmers said two of the paragraphs for me, and I have clearly not properly assimilated into the Pin Borg, which evolved to avoid such overlap.

turnipgreens

@iceberg I second everything Linette said above. Trying to make a change in how you deal with the world would be so, so hard even if you were at your best, but it's being at our worst that gets us to the point where we realize we have to make the change.

Your love for them and for your husband (and theirs for you) IS real, the funny things they do are real, all of that. It's just that this thing, learning to be someone who feels anger AND knows how to direct it so that it doesn't hurt people (also, remember that YOU are people -- directing it at yourself counts!) is more urgent right now, and way more painful, and you ARE so brave to recognize that in yourself and take steps to learn how to handle it.

I hope you can find (and afford) a pro to work with, if you haven't already -- it was painful too, but it helped me and I still use the stuff I learned.

And I also wanted to say that I know a couple of people right now who have one toddler apiece, just one, around the BBs' age, and they are weary and angry and frustrated and sometimes very, very sharp and intolerant and unfair. This isn't to say, "It's fine to be unkind!" but rather to acknowledge the difficulty of being a parent. It's a hard job that you can't quit. The times that you can get the love to be on top are victories. The times that you can make enough of a pause in your head to make your reactions purposeful are victories. You have all my good wishes.

RNL
RNL

@iceberg Oh, I've read your comments and material for so long, and admired you so much, and this is going to sound awful, but I was almost relieved when I read the above. Because I think you are amazing, and as someone who feels flawed (and alone in being flawed) ALL THE DAMN TIME, I felt 1) so much empathy for what you wrote and 2) relief in the solidarity of being flawed with all humans.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I think any person would be. Big gigantic huge props to you, for everything you are (funny, smart, amazing). Every mother is flawed - I wouldn't worry too much about your kids, because you care and are trying. They fuck you up, your mom and dad, Philip Larkin said it and it's true. Good luck with your husband. What a challenge you face every day.

Angry Panda

@iceberg Just wanted to say I always enjoy reading your comments here, not only for the adorable Bergy Bits' stories, but because you are always so thoughtful and kind to everyone, especially if they're going through a tough time (including me). I am sorry to hear you've been having a rough time, hugs!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@iceberg Hugs. And while I'm terrible at advice and such, can I just say that it's really awesome of you to acknowledge these feelings and be able to talk about them? That's a really big first step to take if you're hoping to turn things around. We're here for you.

iceberg

@RNL I think the fact that so many of us here are open about struggling is what kind of made it ok for me to finally say it myself, so I know exactly where you're coming from.

@Angry Panda thank you! that is really lovely to hear. if anything has helped me it's been this community.

packedsuitcase

@iceberg Oh, bergy! (Yeah, we're at nickname level now.) There is nothing I can say that the wise, wise posters before me have not covered, but you are getting a ton of love and Jedi hugs from me.

RK Fire

@iceberg Hugs. Everyone else has covered advice, but I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you! I'm really glad you feel comfortable enough here to get these feelings off of your chest, particularly since I'm sure they're very hard to admit, whether to yourself or in writing or out loud.

StandardTuber

@iceberg As a fellow parent of a toddler (just a single) I will say that we've been there and come back. The looks at each other like "Are you for real with what you just did?" and the waving-off of the other when they try to step in.
Afterwards, we'd have conversations (HEATED!!!) about what happened, and we'd actively listen to each other and, this was really key, we'd agree on a plan for the future. So that way, when the kid would hit next time we'd know how to react and what to expect from each other.
It's a long phase of figuring out how to get your kid to express him/herself without using hands (feet, teeth...). I think it comes in waves.

Just want to say that the conversations and plan-making helps us, but perhaps you've been there/done that.

Also, I found this message board to be helpful (caveat is the location-specific recommendations).

You are not alooooooone!

blushingflower

@iceberg Babies/toddlers are hard. Three must be at least quadruply hard. They don't know how to use their words, they can't be reasoned with, they keep you up, they make messes, etc, etc. Children may be a blessing, but they can also be a terrible strain on a marriage and a person.
I know that with triplets you probably don't have a lot of time or money, but I would say that if you can get to therapy at all, it would probably help you, your marriage, and your kids. If therapy's not an option, there may be some books that will help you at your local library. You are not alone, and you don't have to do this alone.

Faintly Macabre

@iceberg I don't have enough life experience to say much (which is probably good!), but here are my few thoughts:

-My mom has a pretty major temper (as does her mom). Nothing abusive, but frequently irrational and sometimes a bit scary. I have inherited some of this temper, but I'm much less type-A than she is, so I have a slower fuse. It caused some problems between us when I was growing up, as I was a shouty teenager myself. Now that I'm sort of an adult, we have a 98% wonderful relationship and I have so much admiration for her as a person. Even as a kid, when we weren't fighting, I knew how much she loved me and I thought she was a great mother. She is flawed, but I would probably be even more hopeless about measuring up to her as a person if I never saw her be angry.

-As everyone else said, you have three little kids! I have seen people who I knew loved and wanted their children come near meltdowns dealing with one.

Obviously, I don't mean that you shouldn't get help, especially if you and your husband feel that you need it. But you shouldn't feel like you are a bad mother (or person!) or ruining your kids. This is hard, and you are human.

theotherginger

@blushingflower Bergy, you are great. You are brave for saying this. We here who are less emotionally astute simply root for you.

PatatasBravas

@iceberg Just as an anecdote that might make you feel better? My mom had four of us (no multiples) and she was a sharp, bitey lady often when we were small, though she loved us all loads. But we were kids, and kids can be aggravating, and my dad worked a 40-70 hour week, and even though we were mostly good I am sure we were also exhausting. And so she was a snappy, sharp person to us sometimes, and I suspect she had fierce facial expressions directed towards my dad pretttty frequently, especially after we went to bed.

but

We were all happy on the whole, and we're all four of us clean and fine and hale and hearty, and my parents are still together. I love both my parents, and while I can remember my mom hissing at us to calm down and you will regret this misbehavior, Full Name! and one or two spankings when we were realllly bad, those aren't the first memories that come to mind of my childhood! They aren't even the eleventh or sixteenth. She was 75% a great mom and 25% a great lady who was overworked and cranky. We get on well today.

So it is possible, just saying, for you to experience a wide spectrum of human emotion, and to let your kids and your partner catch some flak as you do, and for everyone to be okay.

Seek the help you want and rant when you want, and know that the Pin is rallying for you!

PatatasBravas

Oh and if you wanted to set up a Paypal so that we can crowdsource a two-week kid-less trip to an Irish B&B or something, I would contribute that that and I would try to find a way to fedex you the bottle of your choice.

Whatnot

@iceberg Everyone in this thread has done a bang-up job, and I don't really have anything additionally useful to add, but I just wanted to tell you that I am a mom to one toddler approximately the same age as your three, and I have taken so much encouragement from your posts and comments about them, the positives and the negatives. I never really wanted kids, never really liked them much, and yet wanted to be an awesome parent to mine. I struggle as she grows to deal with the more challenging times; each time I accidentally raise my voice when she's acting up or having a fit, I beat myself up for hours about it, wishing I could have remained the calm in-control mother who I wanted to be. I don't know where I was going with this other than to offer internet empathy and encouragement.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@PatatasBravas Yes to this! Bergy, we can most definitely do something like this. If you want a vacation with or without the kids or maybe just something that'll give you a bit more time to yourself, I would also be willing to contribute a little bit.

It might not be much, but we all want to see you feeling a little better and absolutely do not mind doing whatever we can to get you there.

laurel

@iceberg I know this is obvious, but it occurs to me that you are a first-time parent and the mother of three at the same time. Statistically, almost no one else in the world has that going on.

Sister Administrator

@iceberg To be fair to you, from here they sound really fucking annoying.

plumb-bob

@iceberg Sorry you are struggling. I wanted to tell you that still remember one of your comments from a while ago about teaching the Bergy Bits about emotions. I thought that was really lovely, and demonstrated great mothering. My Mum never did that sort of thing with me (she had a kind of 'set and forget' parenting style) and I'm now in my late-thirties still learning to name my emotions :)

SeaMoney

@iceberg I wish I had something to add that was really useful. I have spent some time working one on one as an Educational assistant with a very needy, and angry elementary student. So I am imagining that having rotating tantrums can feel as overwhelming and draining as one very angry constantly yelling human.

I quickly used up all of my skills and all of my Love and Logic parenting / camp training. (And then felt like a giant failure!)

And I guess I just want to articulate to you that I understand the feeling of standing in front of a screaming child day after day trying to figure out how to calm them down / make it stop and just feeling like a sink with an open drain. It is ok!

Bittersweet

@iceberg Big internet hugs for you! Sending you lots of energy and patience, and strength and understanding so you and your husband can work things out. xxxooo

iceberg

@all You guys are the best! Oh, I love you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. For what it's worth, we actually had an okay night tonight not perfect but better than some previous nights, and I do feel more positive than I did this afternoon.
I don't think I feel good about accepting money, but if anyone wants to email with me I am iceberg dot hairpin at g mail dot com - I WILL send BB photos. That's right y'all, I will bribe you with cuteness.

PatatasBravas

@iceberg I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable in mentioning vacation crowdsourcing! I no longer have siblings in college to send care packages, so I need to find another outlet...

planforamiracle

@iceberg I am saving this thread! I'm not a parent nor am I in a relationship, but I have struggled with these same temper issues in other areas of my life. I have nothing to add but hope to comfort you by saying you're not alone!

MilesofMountains

@iceberg I don't know if I have any useful advice, but I hope my anecdata is somewhat comforting. I grew up with a parent with serious anger issues. There were four of us kids (although no multiples which probably made it easier) and money was often tight and so there was a lot of stress on both my parents. What I think the most important thing my dad did to mitigate his temper was that he worked really hard to channel it away from people. He never got physical with any of us, and didn't often yell at us, but it wasn't uncommon for him to swear a blue streak at inanimate objects or like, yell at the universe at large. And while it was a little upsetting at the time, I think it having so obviously little to do with any of us is the reason why none of it stuck to us. Until I started writing this comment, I had mostly forgotten it, although actually I think it must have happened pretty much daily. So, really, if I have any advice, I'd say don't worry as much about becoming a 100% patient, Zen-minded person, just try and channel it towards swearing at cardboard boxes and work on the patience in between.

honey cowl

@iceberg Bergie I have no more eloquent advice to offer, nor would I be in a position to give it, but damn it if I'm not going to email you right now begging for BBs pictures. #love

iceberg

@PatatasBravas not uncomfortable, please don't feel bad! haha if you want you can send me/the BBs a care package though ;) actually the story about your family was immensely helpful and encouraging. I feel like I am working really hard and the fact that I want to change has to count for something.

@MilesofMountains thank you it absolutely is! I remember my dad swearing super hard at things and my mum closing her eyes, gritting her teeth and counting to ten, so maybe I need to give those a try!

@honey cowl and you shall have them!

iceberg

@iceberg A quick but heartfelt thanks to all of you who commented and especially the sweet ladies who took the time to send me an email - your kind words and good wishes helped more than I can say. The weekend had its ups & downs but I feel on the whole things are looking up!

Verity

@iceberg Like @laurel, I think it all sounds so hard, and am really impressed that you're doing it at all - anyone with triplets is completely entitled to be stressed and short-tempered, because multiple toddlers (and even single toddlers) are exhausting. I'm sorry things have been so difficult, but as other people have said, the things you post really impress me. You sound like a really good mother - you care about doing it well, and that's so important. (And, god, I would have NO CLUE how to deal with screaming/hitting toddlers, so you have all my sympathy there.)

I'm glad things are feeling a bit better. All the best - I hope things improve for you. *hugs*

iceberg

@Verity thank you my dear!

Oh, squiggles

@iceberg I'm so late to the table on this, but I couldn't help wanting to add my name to the internet strangers who are sending you mental support.

And this is just my opinion, so worth about as much as I charge to give it, but I don't know that it's such a bad thing to have a parent get angry sometimes. People get angry, and then they calm down, and forgive, and maybe it's okay to learn about that happening? Sometimes I don't think I deal well with people being angry at me, and maybe that's because my dad took his anger too far, and let it become abusive, but maybe showing anger with restraint is a normal part of learning to interact with other humans?

And I don't know if this is comforting or not, but I read an article by an economist, and it basically said that by looking at the numbers, in the end, kids just turn out to who they were always going to be, and parents don't really need to turn themselves inside out over trying to raise perfect people, because it's sort of predetermined? Which I find comforting because perfection is hard to live up to, for being a parent or being a kid.

Hello Dolly

I am going to Pittsburgh this weekend to see The Jill & Julia Show, which is Jill Sobule & Julia Sweeney performing together. It'll be like a trip back in time to the 1990s! We're also going to the Andy Warhol Museum. Any recommendations on places to eat in Pittsburgh?

districter

@Hello Dolly I was just up there to visit my brother, so I was near the Pitt/Carnegie Mellon campuses. We went to BrilloBox, some place my mom wanted to try which was basically a bar but they had good food. I had tacos (tempeh) and fries - great fries.

iwannabekate

@Hello Dolly My parents moved there a year ago, and it's SO MUCH more fun than I expected! Awesome food too, check these out if you can:

Point Brugge Cafe - Belgian food (and amaaaaazing mussels!)
Spoon - A more upscale place with awesome goat cheese cornbread muffin things
Soba Lounge - Asian fusion with cheap delicious cocktails
Pamela's - BEST pancakes! There are a couple locations.
Toast - My favorite place there! Great food with an upscale but casual atmosphere

Hope you have fun!

SmartCookie

@Hello Dolly Twins! I'm going to the Jill and Julia show this weekend too! But not in Pittsburgh. And the Andy Warhol Museum is great so you're basically going to have the best weekend.

phlox lombardi

@Hello Dolly Second the Toast! recommendation. I actually worked there briefly a few years ago! And I agree that Pamela's is the best. Get the strawberry hotcakes. OMG so good.

La Gourmandine in Lawrenceville has excellent pastries.

Salt of the Earth is fun, hip and inventive.

Also, check out the Strip District while you're there if you're into food. Enrico's Biscotti Company, the Pennsylvania Macaroni Co., Mon Aimee Chocolat...so many great food places.

Oh, and if you're going to the Warhol and want another museum to check out, try the Mattress Factory. It's an awesome museum dedicated to installation art.

Khrushchev

@Hello Dolly Oh God this made me miss Pittsburgh SO MUCH (I moved last summer). But yes, seconding Pamela's TIMES A MILLION. There's also Quiet Storm on Penn Ave. that is delicious vegan & vegetarian food, and Casbah is good if you're looking for something fancy. And Mercurio's Gelato on Walnut Street! Augh!

PLEASE EAT ALL THIS FOOD SO I CAN LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU.

Also: do not go to Primanti Bros. This is just a personal opinion, but they are terrible.

iwannabekate

@Khrushchev Agree so hard on Primanti's! WHY does everyone insist that it's a Pittsburgh must-try? Dirty space + not very good sandwich = ???

ach_so

@Hello Dolly Pittsburgh! Go to Pamela's for breakfast, and Round Corner Cantina & Remedy (both in Lawrenceville) for drinks. I also really like Thai Gourmet in Bloomfield. I feel like I can't recommend any fancy/cool restos because I haven't lived there in a few years!

Kikimora

@Hello Dolly YAY! Lots of yelling, because I fucking love Pittsburgh. Seconding Point Brugge, or it's Highland Park iteration, Park Brugge. Fabulous poutine for us deprived Americans. (Also, the Smiling Banana Leaf is right up the street from the later. Pretty great Thai food.) I haven't been there yet, but family members have been raving about Legume in Oakland.

@Khrushchev @iwannabekate YES YES YES. I try not to be too hard on friends who are always wanting to go there, but I want to shake them and yell that there are wayyy better places not to be missed!

@all Has anyone tried Meat and Potatoes? I've really been wanting to go there just on account of the name. And what about Lidia's for the Sunday brunch? Anyone been to it? I've heard it's an awesome spread.

Khrushchev

@rosinator OMG ROUND CORNER YES PLEASE DRINK THEIR DARK & STORMYS AND THEN MAIL ONE TO ME.

meowmischen

@Hello Dolly Ok I don't know why everyone is hating on Primanti's and loving Pamela's. Pamela's hotcakes are basically butter in flat form and therefore awesome, but Primanti's is also awesome in an equally trashy way. Don't be scared of the sandwich. Split one if you find yourself near one of the city locations.
Other foods... Smoke in Homestead is the best. A little expensive but so worth it (ETA: expensive for tacos, not by any other definition). Mercurio's has expanded beyond gelato and has great brick-oven pizza and salads now. All of the other suggestions above can be trusted (except for hating Primanti's, seriously).

@Kikimora Went to Meat and Potatoes for New Year's Eve. The food was good, the service was not good even accounting for the special event... overall not worth it. Try during Restaurant Week in August if you're not sure about it, they usually have a decent prix fixe deal. I have some friends that like it, but if I'm spending that much I'd rather go to Habitat or Salt and get awesome service.
I went to Lidia's a long time ago and I remember being totally overwhelmed by the brunch selection, but I did enjoy it. Definitely don't go there hungover, that may have been our problem that day.

Kikimora

@metatronmeow Ooh thanks for the info. I am definitely looking forward to restaurant week!

A. Louise

@Khrushchev I think I would move to Pittsburgh soley for the beautiful triangle that is Round Corner, Arsenal Cider House and Church Brew Works. HAPPY FOREVER

frigwiggin

I feel like I've been throwing all my work down a well lately. Just writing these documents and printing them out and then throwing them down a well. A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT WOULD BE NICE. Huff puff grumblemumble.

Who wants to complain about work with me?!

lookuplookup

@frigwiggin Oh man, I have spent the last three days in a series of "Discovery Meetings" for an upcoming software implementation and have never longed for the weekend more. I feel grateful to be employed (and to be working in a relatively cool place), but have been feeling like a hamster on a treadmill for the last few months, just running frantically and never getting anywhere and getting no rewards (unless you count the so small it's almost a joke "cost of living" raise that I just got).

yeah-elle

@frigwiggin Don't I always want to complain about work? It's the pits. A good chunk of my duties at one of my jobs involves writing copy for things that no one will ever read. NO ONE. But I have to write them and submit them off into the ether for them to rot on some godforsaken website that actually gets maybe 1 visit a month, and I suspect that visit is the office checking that the copy got poured in correctly.

martinipie

@frigwiggin MY FEET HURT EVEN THO I WEAR CLOGS AND PEOPLE ARE WEIRD THEY SAY AND DO THINGS I WOULD NEVER THINK TO SAY AND DO AND MEN ARE CREEPY ALL THE TIME AND I AM UNDERPAID there done i really do love my jobs!

garli

@lookuplookup Software implementation is the worst thing. I'm so sorry.

Onymous

@frigwiggin I had Tuesday off. My next day off is Tuesday.
I bike 7 miles to and from work in the Texas summer.

Smallison

@frigwiggin I have been a contractor at my company for two years, and now the stupid place is declaring bankruptcy. I'm never getting a job, and I don't have skills/experience/opportunities to go elsewhere. Grump grump grump.

RebeccaKW

@frigwiggin My job itself isn't bad. But there are one or two (or 5) co-workers that just seeing them in the hallway almost ruin my day.

discombobulated

@frigwiggin My job is boring as shit and I am fucking tired of listening to my coworkers bonding over their struggles to eat more vegetables.

zamboni

@frigwiggin Have side gig doing social media promo stuff. Am somehow very good at it, event I promote is consistently huge now. Guy I work for says his "summer budget" is lower because "business slows down" (uh the event doesn't) and is reducing my pay from $200/month to $50 (he was already stiffing me on a bunch of other stuff). Informed him this is my last month.

lookuplookup

@garli Right? Like I'm so glad we just spent literally 8 hours talking about data conversion even though we all know that never goes well anyway and our data mapping is going to be fucked and the whole thing will be terrible. Don't mind me, I'm just quietly dying over here!

blushingflower

@frigwiggin I am the lowest-ranking person on my team, officially, but I keep getting assigned work that is above my paygrade and helping people do their jobs. And my job description is basically "other duties as assigned", and that's fine. But when I am being asked to do the same work as someone two paygrades above me, that is not fine. I'm happy to do the work, I just want to be compensated appropriately.

eleventyone

@discombobulated Not liking your job complaints, but your description legitimately made me lol.

zamboni

@zamboni Oh and now it turns out that during my last month, where I make $150 less, he wants a 20 tweets/week minimum. I want to use you as a human punching bag, but some dreams don't come true, bud.

Li'l Sebastian

@frigwiggin Oooh, I know that feeling. I just finished a job where I spent about 2 weeks (at half time) writing a closing and exit report with a bunch of recommendations that I sent to my superiors, and NO ONE has responded to even acknowledge that they got it. Since one of my critiques was, "I feel under-supervised and like if I didn't do my work, no one would notice," I sure hope they read it.

lookuplookup

I just found out that I have to go to a week long work conference in San Francisco in a week and a half and I'm quasi-fretting about it for lots of reasons that I won't go into here BUT does anyone have experience taking notes/typing on a tablet (iPad or otherwise)? I have a laptop, but I don't know that it's light/comfortable enough to be dragging from one seminar to another in a high-traffic, little elbow room conference environment. Is a tablet enough of a functional typing tool to make the purchase worth it?

I'm also taking suggestions on a stylish day bag or carry on that I can throw a few days worth of clothes in and carry comfortably through an airport.

districter

@lookuplookup My boyfriend has a cover for his ipad that is also a keyboard, so the backside is a protective cover, then the other side is the board with a slit that perches up your iPad like a screen. Maybe something like that would help? I hate typing on my iPad

sophia_h

@lookuplookup It very much depends on how skilled you are with the onscreen keyboard right now -- it took me several months to get really proficient on mine, but I also use it as my primary computer. I'd suggest picking up a Bluetooth keyboard if you don't want to bring your laptop.

enic

@lookuplookup Check out Everlane's affordable options? I don't own them but have been lusting after the tote and/or weekend bag...

lookuplookup

@enic Oh my god, those weekender bags are perfect!!! I love the mustard & brick ones.

@districter @sophie_h Thanks for the suggestions. I don't have a lot of experience with typing on non-iPhone touch screen keyboards. I'll probably be looking into an auxiliary keyboard option. I hate that "auxiliary keyboard options" are things I think about now. I just want to be thinking about auxiliary drinking options.

Laughable Walrus

@lookuplookup On the non-type spectrum, I took all my notes my senior year of college on my iPad, using a pen stylus and Penultimate. It's especially helpful if you need to draw a lot of diagrams, or if there are presentation materials you can download ahead of time - I forget which app I use, but there are ones that will let you directly write on/annotate PDFs and Office documents.

Good luck! I hope your conference goes well!

empathicalist

@Laughable Walrus - iAnnotate really is the best for the annotation app, but it's kind of expensive. Worth it, though. After trying out pretty much all of the top rated styli, turns out one of the cheapest was the best, the "amPen".

honey cowl

@lookuplookup Ooooh! I don't have an ipad so nothing there but I love the Weekender bag! Do not have one because $ but soon.

Too lazy to link: https://www.everlane.com/collections/weekender-shop-mens

honey cowl

@honey cowl Haha WHAT if I had read this whole thing I would realize somebody way cooler than me already said that. SHAME.

yeah-elle

I may be working Friday night and all weekend, BUT I HAVE THURSDAY OFF, YEAHHHHhhhhhh gonna sit in the park gonna drink some milk tea with boba gonna eat a veggie dog gonna wear some sunscreen gonna get a little drunk gonna watch some bad tv, yeahhhh.

garli

You guys, I own a house. We just got the keys last weekend. So many rooms need to be painted (ok, 3) and things need to be done and holy shit I think my weekends for the term of the mortgage (30 years) will be spent working on it but also yay?

SmartCookie

@garli Congrats! Enjoy picking out paint colors!

lemonadefish

@garli Yay! Me too! Painting!

olivebee

@garli Congrats!! I just bought my first place, too, and moved in last week. I'm so excited just being there that my husband and I are like, "we'll get to that painting, etc. sometime in the future...."

garli

@olivebee @SmartCookie @lemonadefish It's all so terrifying AND exciting, right? I'd love to just be excited to be there, but my husband is not at all lazy and thinks we should get stuff done. (I think it would be fine to sit on the porch and drink wine for a few weeks)

lemonadefish

@garli So terrifying!! Also exciting! We have 3.5 days in which to paint before large things begin moving themselves in (that's how it works, right? The furnitures just wander down the street?) and we are going to paint so hard! And then we'll spend the next 30 years sitting around enjoying wine.

garli

@lemonadefish In my head I'm in a lounge chair with an icy beverage while my husband lifts heavy objects unassisted and puts things in the proper place. I don't see where this plan could fail.

iheartoxytocin

studying for the Bar is the WORST THING EVER, but at least I occasionally get to hang out with a new(ish) cute boy.

sophia_h

@iheartoxytocin the bar is the worst, but this guide from a guy I went to school with is the best.

professionalmess

@iheartoxytocin You can do it! Learn all the things. Also, are you secretly my friend who is also studying the bar and hanging out with a newish boy? (Sidenote: Why didn't I meet any cute boys during the bar?)

iheartoxytocin

@professionalmess PERHAPS. And this boy is someone I went to school with but never actually got to know very well, which is why he's only newish and not new.

fabel

I'm feeling super nostalgic today/this week, & I don't know why? Summer holidays are usually NOT my "nostalgia" holidays (I save that for wintertime!) But I'm doing things like asking old friends about songs we used to listen to that I forgot, & peering back through people's Facebook photos (including my own). The result is a mixture of sadness & amusement, but I don't think the amusement is enough to balance out the sadness. Does anyone else feel like they can never reminisce in a healthy way? Is that the question I want to ask? UGH, MOODS

panther

I need recommendations for podcasts! I've been listening to the Longform podcast and it's seriously been life-changing, at least as far as my commute is concerned...any other good ones?

liverwortlaura

@panther I really like working to Snap Judgment, which to me feels like a cross between the Moth and TAL

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@panther Lately I've really gotten into Professor Blastoff and Selected Shorts.

fondue with cheddar

@panther My faves are Radiolab, 99% Invisible, and Wiretap.

empathicalist

@panther - Geek's Guide to the Galaxy, Gweek, The Nerdist, Stuff Mom Never Told You, Stuff You Missed in History Class.

I've been loving the "Boys of Summer" mini-series on Stuff Mom Never Told You. It celebrates 4 men whose work made a significant impact on the lives of women. Did you know the inventor of oral contraception was a devout Catholic?

Briony Fields

@panther Oh oh, read last week's open thread! I posted the same thing and got so many amazing recommendations, check it out!

queequeging

@panther How Was Your Week is my favorite podcast!

panther

@Briony Fields Ooh, I don't know how I missed that! Thanks for the heads up!

pajamaralls

@panther I missed FOT when this was discussed, but I saw that several people suggested How Did This Get Made? It is high on my list. The most recent one was Howard the Duck, live, with Kristen Schaal.

The Dead Authors Podcast is also really, great.

fondue with cheddar

@pajamaralls How the heck DID Howard the Duck get made. Yeesh.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@queequeging A huge yes to How Was Your Week. Also, Throwing Shade if you like to laugh til it hurts.

pajamaralls

@fondue with cheddar I've never seen it, but just from listening - Yeesh is the nicest thing you can say. It seems the comic books may have been better - I've heard they were supposed to be existential and satirical and then none of that transferred to the film.

fondue with cheddar

@pajamaralls I've heard that too. I feel bad for the people who were fans of the comic.

theotherginger

@fondue with cheddar love for Snap, wait wait don't tell me, tapestry (CBC), also feminist mormon housewives has great great podcasts that are an honest view of the mormon world by current and former mormons mostly for mormons, but also fascinating for non-mormons.

Laughable Walrus

@theotherginger Some of my favorites have already been mentioned, but I'm a big fan of Sex Nerd Sandra and The Savage Lovecast because who am I kidding, sex and the way people interact with/around it is fascinating.

Comedy podcasts are some of my favorites! Put Your Hands Together is a fun stand-up comedy podcast. It's a weekly live show, with a bunch of short sets by up-and-coming comedians. I'm also big into You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes - it's basically WTF with Marc Maron (long interviews with comedians) but I like Pete's interviewing/conversational style better. OH, and The Bugle is hilarious - it's in the same kind of satirical news show genre as The Daily Show (John Oliver hosts it with Andy Zaltzman), with a lot more bullshit thrown in.

Oh, and if you like game shows, NPR's new(er) one, Ask Me Another, is fun, as is Good Job, Brain!

honey cowl

Corollary to podcasts: has anyone else been totally unable to listen to Radiolab after the whole racism/sexism "scandal" (scare quotes because public radio is less than scandalous)? I used to love it but now I just listen to Robert & wonder what he's not telling me & what they're leaving out of the story & how he's treating this interviewee & then I have to stop. :(((

fondue with cheddar

@honey cowl Wow, I know nothing about this! What happened?

anachronistique

@panther My entire group of friends started listening to Welcome to Night Vale and it's amazing - one of them described it as like Prairie Home Companion for a Lovecraftian town. It's humor but with lots of undertones of weird shit.

Queen of Pickles

@panther WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE.

"The City Council announces the opening of a new dog park at the corner of Earl and Sommerset, near the Ralph's. They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. It is possible that you will see hooded figures in the dog park. DO NOT APPROACH THEM. DO NOT APPROACH THE DOG PARK. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the dog park, and, especially, do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures. The dog park will not harm you."

and

"Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? Probably world government. Not a good area for play that day. Are they blue? That's the sheriff's secret police. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? No one knows what those helicopters are, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your home and lock the doors until a sheriff's secret policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams."

Again: "Welcome to Night Vale".

mystique

I gotta say, it all around sucks when someone doesn't care about you as much as you care about them. Sorry to sound vague and FB status-y. I can't wait until I'm older and find such behavior so unacceptable that I don't start caring about people like this. But unfortunately I do care, and I can't believe this person won't be in my life after I've been very open with him and him with me.

At least I do have really good, caring friends otherwise.

iceberg

@mystique " it all around sucks when someone doesn't care about you as much as you care about them. " this is VERY heartbreakingly true.

ach_so

@mystique Yes, it's awful. Sorry, babe.

frigwiggin

@mystique I hear that. I've been feeling pretty ignored by a lot of friends lately, even when I make an effort to reach out, and it's like, okay, I want to be friends with you but you apparently don't want to be friends with me? Or at least you're not willing to put the least little effort forth towards maintaining our friendship? Blah.

Lurkasaurus

@mystique Dealing with the same thing these days/my entire life. Apparently I am not good at friends. It is pretty much the worst feeling and I am so sorry you're feeling it too.

TATABox

@frigwiggin I feel this so harrrd. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that sees friendship as something that needs to be maintained; it has to be watered, just like your plants. Basically, both of my best friends have turned into pod people now that they've found the "love(s) of their life."

Blue skies

@TATABox oh my goodness I'm several days late on this one... but I am in this same place! If I am the only one reaching out, that's not a friendship! Being my friend does involve hanging out with me. And I have the "surrounded by couples" feeling too - it's like I can't get a night in between all the "date nights."

Blue skies

@TATABox by "night in" I mean I can't get people to hang out with me in between all the hanging out they do only in couples. It hasn't been this bad since the holidays (when it's more understandable to always-single me) but it's summer, and I kinda thought summer was about patios and friends and carefree-ness. Hrmph.

TATABox

@Blue skies Ugh, I feel you. The worst is when they reach that point where they're a "we" instead of individuals. I'll ask my friend if she wants to hang out and its, "Well, [boyfriend] wanted to see this movie.." and it's just like, are you not separate individuals with different thoughts and desires and interests? Bleeeghh.

Blue skies

@TATABox I know what you mean, ahh so strange. The one in question for me right now doesn't usually do the "we," but he is going to be there whenever we make plans. Like it's a "let's" conversation and on her end she means herself, BF, and often BF's (single, male) roommate. On my end, I mean just me. Unless she specifically says he can't go, which is basically never.

I am also starting to wonder if he isn't a bit too clingy, which has been an issue in the past with these two - she was trying to help him develop his own interests/friends, and he found a full-time job and that really helped, but I'm wondering. And they're going to be moving in together in Sept, so I'm hoping that goes well, but I know it won't improve the situation we're talking about! :/

yeah-elle

I am so late on this, but who wants to talk about Top of the Lake? I watched it a little bit ago but recently a few of my friends watched it too and I want to talk about it!

Mostly I was amazed at how well it pinned down the feeling of being a woman in a society that hates you? That seems so vague. Um, I'm not even talking about the more extreme violence and assault and shitty things, but just the little little things like her male colleagues laughing at the namecards she made for the meeting, or when Robin is going through town, towards the bar, trying to find someone who will fucking let her do her job and there are those two police men walking down the middle of the road laughing and chatting like no biggie, and then you see her face and it's like ughhh Elisabeth Moss, YOUR FACE, it does such mysterious and wonderful things.

Lucienne

@yeah-elle Right?! It took me a while, but I decided I liked Top of the Lake a lot and want to read all the academic articles that will surely be written about it in the future.

hallelujah

@yeah-elle I LOVED IT. Oh god I loved it. It was just so bleak and terrible, but enthralling, and I LOOOOOVED the Johno + Robin lovestory (& I usually hate lovestories!) The end was a little overwrought I think, but still: LOVED IT.

Jinxie

@yeah-elle I should probably stay out of this convo since I've only just finished the third episode, but yeah! It's a great/weird show, so far. I'll have to find you guys in a future FOT once I've watched the whole thing, since I already have Thoughts and Feelings about it.

Lucienne

And if you liked Top of the Lake, I recommend The Fall. Also on Netflix! Also women-driven.

Tracy

@yeah-elle I really liked it too! I liked it for the reasons you listed and also because things GJ said to other characters still resonate in my head, specifically when she asks Robin's mom "are you dying?" and Robin's mom says "yes" and is sort of ashamed and GJ responds, "that's ok, that's totally natural, your body knows what to do". I love reciting the phrase in my head that it's ok and my body knows what to do. This might sound grotesque, but it gave me relief to hear a person give another person permission to just be in the act of dying and for that to be enough(as opposed to having to fight the act of dying).

I wish there really was a lady ranch in Paradise that you could go when you needed a time out.

pajamaralls

@yeah-elle I really want to watch it. I'm such a fan of Elisabeth Moss and I keep hearing nothing but great things about it, especially on the Hairpin.

I should probably pay Netflix sometime soon.

ach_so

@yeah-elle I loved Top of the Lake, but I really wish there hadn't been that twist at the end. I mean, I know it was necessary to solve the mystery of the pregnancy, but... I think I mostly didn't like it because it was like, ugh, what more can we throw onto the women & children in this community? Also, from a plot point of view, it was unnecessary. The episode & series had come to a good close right before Robin found out about the dude, and that should have been the end.

Beautifully shot & very well acted.

yeah-elle

SPOILERS AHEAD ABOUT THE ENDING

SPOILERS I SAID!

I was wondering about all of your thoughts on the end reveal of Al's terribleness. I agree with @hallelujah above that it was overwrought, but I was speaking with a friend and she thought it meant that Al or one of his gross buddies was probably the father of Tui's baby and he was lying about the DNA results to cover his ass. I was surprised she thought that, because I didn't think that was true, necessarily, or even really implied? Like, it was a possibility, but Matt was also seriously fucked up, was probably going to kill the baby (to stop the DNA test from happening?), and the whole thing with Mark & Luke seeing him in Tui's room. And then my friend said, but Matt couldn't get and erection without chemicals and "advance warning." But I thought that just added a more sinister layer to it. Like, that rapes are not always "crimes of passion" like Al implies, but sometimes they are completely meticulously planned out in advance by total scumbags, like in the case of Robin's rapists. And I appreciated the idea of there being this extended sense of menace and hostility, that in the end, it doesn't really matter if we know who the father of Tui's baby was, because it could have been one of any number of horrible men.

frenz.lo

@yeah-elle I want to talk about Top of the Lake! Me! Oh my God! The monologue about the chimp! I died. So many perfect details in that show. So much killing of my heart. I am so glad they rewarded me by making a character that I hated actually villainous.
I am so glad that by and large, hideous things that happened were not remotely titillating.
I am so glad Tui didn't randomly turn into an ideal mother, but stayed a kid who acted like a kid would.
I want GJ to be in the corner, denouncing things forever.

hallelujah

@yeah-elle Ooooo that's interesting! ALSO MORE SPOILERS: I took the ending as saying that Al framed Matt, and it definitely was him or one of his buddies. So Matt was innocent! Despite being a monster. IDK now!

LaLoba

@yeah-elle I haven't finished watching it yet because it is too intense! I agree with your points!

Also - Robin throwing that dart was the most gratifying action I have ever seen on a screen.

Lucienne

@yeah-elle and @hallelujah I also took the ending to indicate that Al/someone in Al's crowd was responsible, much as it pained me to be creeped out by David Wenham (Faramiiir). That Matt was the father never made sense to me - it was difficult for me to read the character as a child rapist. But I think the big point in the end was the ambiguity and uncertainty.

yeah-elle

@Lucienne Yeah, this is true. It's more likely, I think, that Al or one of his cohort was probably the father, but I liked that the ambiguity meant it really didn't matter. And Matt was totally not redeemed, either way. The guy was an unhinged piece of shit.

As for him not reading as a child rapist, I'm not so sure. Not in the cold, calculating way of Al's group, for sure, but Matt definitely had some weird, inappropriate shit going on regarding his daughter. For some reason, her bedroom really creeped me out. Lots of locked-in-the-highest-room-of-the-tower symbolism, and all that pink, frilly stuff for a girl who seemed pretty uninterested in pink, frilly stuff.

And David Wenham was so good. Right from the beginning, he did such a good job of portraying that kind of creep who is largely subtle in his creepiness and is therefore hard to fend off, the ones that pretend to be "on your side" but are so not. I found him so sweet and lovely as Faramir that this role gave me total mental whiplash.

The worst worst worst was when my uneasiness about Robin passing out at Al's house bloomed into total horror when it was pretty heavily implied that he did actually drug her, and having no way of knowing what really happened that night. Like, she didn't pass out after drinking most of a bottle of vodka! She could still drive to Paradise. There's no way a few glasses of wine did her in. Ughhhhhhh clawing all my skin off.

mochi

@yeah-elle I watched it last month while my back was thrown out and I was house-bound. Sooo good. And Holly Hunter is amazing and hilarious in it.
I don't have much to add other than I totally agree. The everyday garden-variety misogyny she encounters is so frustrating and familiar. I haven't really seen much of Jane Campion's other stuff but I hope she directs more tv programs after this.

Lucienne

@yeah-elle The other things is that Tui said something like "I don't even know how it got in there," which makes me think not Matt. (Also, Matt seemed super upset at the idea that he might be responsible, and not in a saving-face way? IDK.)

Although I agree - plenty of unnverving stuff left over re: Matt. But there's also something about Matt that makes him semi-sympathetic. And definitely compelling.

Good job, cast of Top of the Lake.

spoondisaster

@yeah-elle Can we also talk about how stunning the scenery was? I mean when Robin and Johno go looking for Tui and row across the lake in their boats, it's insane. And Elisabeth Moss' character is just-- she does it so well and manages to convey the strength of her character but also her vulnerabilities (specifically regarding the men that raped her as well as all the other men in the town who don't treat her with respect). Also the fact that I marathoned it in a weekend. I'm moving on to Hemlock Grove now, which was recommended by Netflix.

crane your neck

@yeah-elle Yeah, I agree the end felt overwrought. But it was important to show that there wasn't just one person responsible--like Robin's pregnancy, more than one man is implicated in Tui's abuse. The entire community is guilty for allowing this to persist (anyone who was tied to Al or Matt in particular).

Can we talk about the guy/rapist who didn't remember how he knew Robin? He seemed like he might be mentally ill, but the story didn't follow him long enough for us to find out.

liverwortlaura

had to work all weekend last week, so felt super fatigued going into this week, but now tomorrow's off, so my body/mind thinks it's Friday, and basically I feel like a hot mess. Juneberries are ON so I'm baking pies and otherwise avoiding my normally peaceful local beach, because it's sure to be a shit show. Chicago neighborhood fireworks: no thank you

Brunhilde

I'm bummed that I don't get to go home for the 4th of July and get drunk with my sister and best friend and float down the river and watch the demolition derby and the fireworks and the arm wrestling tournament and drink beer in the park and on the street with everyone else in town. I'll be here in Seattle, where EVERY FUCKING THING is closed.

SarcasticFringehead

@Brunhilde Are you in the FB group? I don't remember if we've met or not. If yes, are you coming to drinks tonight? And also, one of the group members invited everybody to her 4th of July party tomorrow, and she throws some pretty sweet parties and everyone's super-nice.

Lucienne

I think/hope (the alternatives are too sad to contemplate, and yet I am unable to stop myself contemplating them) that my cat scratched open a bug bite on her cheek.

Lucienne

@Lucienne Well, I had a second sentence and now I can't remember what it was.

RNL
RNL

@Lucienne Is your cat ok?

olivebee

@Lucienne I hope your cat is ok!

Lucienne

She seems okay. A little subdued from when I cleaned it off earlier today (you know what cats are like). Hopefully it will scab over. I think it only causes her discomfort when she rests on that side of her head.

jazzloon

Boyfriend and I are travelling to see both of our families over the July 4th weekend. From Wednesday to Sunday, we'll be going New York to Boston, Boston to New Haven, New Haven to New York.

We're doing all of this by train/bus. What do you suggest we do/eat/bring to entertain ourselves? Thinking chips, sandwiches, a bottle of wine and an iPad movie for the NYC to Bos trip (on the morning of the 4th, so it's bound to take 1.5 years). UNO and eyemasks are also coming with. Anything I'm missing?

apples and oranges

@jazzloon Crosswords!! Or Sudoku. If you like that kinda thing. I have a crossword book used exclusively for traveling, it has served me well.

pimentinha

@jazzloon For long trips I like to load up a ton of podcasts too. I always get super behind, so I'll marathon The Bugle and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me whenever I go home (long plane ride) or take the overnight bus somewhere.

jenjenboben

@jazzloon Mad Libs? They can be kind of fun if you have good memories of doing them when you were young.

theotherginger

@jenjenboben definitely the podcasts. Podcasts. Calming music - whatever that is for you. Reading - if you can. And sleeping, if in any way possible.

Oh, squiggles

What food/booze pairs best with the feeling that you live in a world that constantly requires you to prove your value in a concrete, proof on paper, kind of way, and you constantly come up short? Which is basically a wordy version of saying I constantly feel worthless, like a waste of space/resources, completely useless, and generally awful.

iceberg

@Absurd Bird hmm. the fanciest cheese you can afford, because you really are worth it?

fondue with cheddar

@Absurd Bird You are so worth it, you should change your name to Preferred Bird! Seriously though, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. Of course, this is coming from someone who feels the same way most of the time, but it's often easier to address a problem when it's someone else's.

You will not be surprised to learn that I agree with @iceberg about the fancy cheeses.

Hot Doom

@Absurd Bird And a really lovely, rich red wine/delicious cocktail/nice craft beer (take your pick or do all three) and a big, fat cupcake, because you deserve lovely things.

laurel

@iceberg Paired with a >$20 bottle of Sauvignon Blanc or a better-than-average prosecco/cava. And a kiwi. Followed by chocolate cake.

Or whatever @Absurd Bird's version of that is.

lemonadefish

@Absurd Bird Definitely fancy cheese. And maybe a bit of sparkling wine, because it's fancy, and so are you!

Onymous

@Absurd Bird
Tawny Port and Stilton.

Take a glass of the port and reduce it down to a syrup.

buy a pear, peel it cut a cup out of the top, stuff stilton down into the pear. Poach in simple syrup and the drizzle the port over it.

now eat with a glass of port on the side.

jazzloon

@Absurd Bird a decadent cupcake and reality television/wedding blogs/pictures of babies and puppies, both consumed without guilt. also, to rebel, i often like to fart-while-walking-in-public. fuck the system.

fondue with cheddar

@jazzloon Farting while walking is one of the best things. And if you're moving amongst others it's harder for them to pin it on you!

phlox lombardi

@Absurd Bird Champagne, if you can afford to splurge a bit. Guy Larmandier Blanc de Blancs is one of my favorites. Delamotte is great, too. Order some sushi. Don't share.

Onymous

@Onymous
Also if you don't have a prefered reasonably priced tawny port (because honestly who does?): Whiskers Blake Tawny Port. It's like 15 bucks a bottle, easy to find and damn solid.

laurel

@Onymous Whoa.

SmartCookie

@Absurd Bird And make sure whichever drink you prefer you drink it from fancy glassware. It makes all the difference.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Absurd Bird Wellbutrin.

cminor

@Absurd Bird I want to know what comfort food I can eat for this exact problem when a significant portion of my worthlessness is also tied to how broke I am and how I can do nothing about it right now. (In school full time for the next month, not long enough to get a job before I move back to my internship in a different city.)

Hot Doom

@cminor Maybe some homemade bean dip & chips, or a giant quesadilla? Or a grilled cheese? Hmm, most of my preferred comfort foods involve cheese.

fondue with cheddar

@cminor Chili and Fritos Scoops, preferably with shredded cheddar. You don't even need a spoon!

dtowngirl

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with aggressive, alpha-male-type bosses who like to yell at you no matter what you do? (Get a new job, I know, I'm working on it). I was trying to just be matter-of-fact, but then my boss told my colleague that I'm too "blunt" and I need to "respect that he's the boss." So, I have no idea what the best solution is. I just want to be able to do my work with minimal hassle. Any ideas?

fondue with cheddar

@dtowngirl "I value your criticism, but please don't yell at me." ?

enic

@dtowngirl No ideas, but I'm right there with you. And also working on the new job thing. I'm sorry, it sucks, and it definitely drains you even if you try to pretend it doesn't.

enic

@fondue with cheddar This would not work with my boss, especially if he just said those things to my coworker :( :( The best solution I've found is just being really cheery and smiley and acting like I don't realize he's upset, but that's... probably not a very healthy technique? It's killing my soul, at least.

adorable-eggplant

@dtowngirl Go ahead and be blunt. Alpha jerks deserve some push back. So let's pretend his name is Larry, and I'd go with something like the following exchange:

Larry: YELLELL ABOUT SOME MINOR THIIIING!!!
You: Yeah, I hear you, Larry. This glitch is really chapping my ass too. Give me ten; I'll handle it and get back to you. (after that, just repeat 'I read you loud and clear... loud and clear... loud and clear' until he runs out of steam and walks away)

I respect bosses who are courteous, well-organized, and more than willing to shoulder the blame when necessary. The rest of them are bums that get no respect from me, beyond my baseline of politeness that I extend to absolutely everybody. This guy doesn't deserve any special deference.

adorable-eggplant

@enic Oh the soul crushing things we do to make that paper.

lemonadefish

@dtowngirl I go with yelling back. Sometimes I verge dangerously near personal attack (I don't know what your wife said to you to make you so angry!) I don't necessarily recommend it, but if you are stuck with a bully, sometimes that's all they understand... (side note: I need a new job...)

fondue with cheddar

@enic Ugh, that's so horrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm not very good at dealing with such situations so I honestly don't have any useful advice. @adorable-eggplant's advice sounds great, though!

Captain Awkward is a great advice resource on dealing with difficult people. They provide scripts and are really awesome. I'd be surprised if there wasn't something on there related to your situation, but if there isn't you could always write in a question.

Briony Fields

@dtowngirl Fire?

districter

@dtowngirl I just tried to look at it as training, like athletes having people yell in their face until who cares, like "I can handle this egomaniacal a-hole yelling at me for no reason I CAN DO ANYTHING." And now I start a new job next week! So it will happen, but in the meantime you can build up this awesome resistance to a-holes and start worrying less and less that you will cry in front of him because you will realize he is an idiot and just roll your eyes in your mind everytime he talks to you (ok maybe the crying part was just me).

iceberg

@districter and your next boss will seem like an absolute angel.

fondue with cheddar

@districter It's not just you. I'm the same way. It sucks, doesn't it?

dtowngirl

@adorable-eggplant I will probably continue being blunt (because that's just how I roll). I've been trying the "I'm unflappable" tactic--like, if he's yelling about something, I show as little emotion as possible and be like, 'yeah, that sucks, I'll go fix it.'

But, inside, I just get so pissed off! My male coworker is also extremely blunt. But guess what, he's a guy, so that's okay! Men can be blunt! My boss is a crazy sexist (this is not the only example of sexism--I have about one million examples).

TheRisottoRacket

@dtowngirl Welcome to my life in restaurant business.

Maybe just talk to him about how it's hard to take the criticism constructively or respect him when he yells.

adorable-eggplant

@dtowngirl UGH the worst! I had a brush with a guy who was sooooooo condescending to every woman in the office, as if we weren't going to notice the little 'there there dear' tone. People actively dropped off projects that he joined, which is a small victory? Sexists (anyone with any ingrained prejudice, really) are terrible, and it sucks when they end up in positions of authority. But lean in and rise up over that ass.

ETA: Do let yourself be angry sometimes. Also, find a vent buddy/lateral mentor (maybe not even in your field) so you can roll your eyes at this guy over drinks/the Dolly Parton movie 9 to 5 (highly recommended).

supernintendochalmers

@dtowngirl If I were in that situation, and I knew I was leaving, I'd just yes him to death and show zero emotion so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of getting to me. But I understand that that's not the right choice for everyone. If he's going to get mad no matter what then there's no way to "fix" it.

Beaks

@dtowngirl It doesn't seem like you can fix anything for him, so unflappable is probably the way to go. I've not dealt with overt-yelling type sexism, but for the more implied, "there there dear" stuff I've found being obnoxiously competent and matching their (more implicit/ less overt) aggression toe to toe works sort of okay.

Maybe take up a violent hobby as an anger outlet? Kickboxing or judo or something. Taking up a physically agressive, male dominated hobby actually taught me a lot about the body language side of dealing with male-dominated industries. And I had a lot of fun/ got in shape. Need to get back into the dojo...

harebell

@dtowngirl
Wow. I thought sexism might be the case from the yelling + comment to your coworker combo. It's a classic pairing.

I think you are completely right to continue being blunt. Blunt + no raising your own voice whatsoever + never saying anything that you would not be okay having quoted back at you later. I.e. nothing that is not overtly cooperative/work-related. It takes a lot of poise, but it will be satisfying because you will be the more professional & competent person and others around you will see it.

If it goes on long enough, he'll probably even get to a point where he respects you, i.e. there are "those women" and then there is "downtowngirl" and you are a sort of token exception. That sucks too, but at least it is a little more livable than the previous situation. But to get basic respect from him, I do think you have to continue to push back and continue to stand firm in your conversations. You could also request him to stop yelling, e.g. "Of course I'll do x. Hey, your voice is raised, no need to do that, okay. [smile]. I'm getting to work on it now." I.e. smiling after very direct comments to bring them into the register of "friendliness," and continuing to react to him in a normal business framework *even if* he leaves that -- he shouldn't be able to get you out of that mode/tone.

I used to use this technique for sexual harassment all the time (i.e. pretending obliviousness and just cueing the other person over and over again to return to a normal business framework), and it works better than anything else I've ever tried. I think of it as a kind of sumo wrestling -- no way you are going to get me to react in a way that moves this out of the realm of professional work-hours responses! Getting no reaction from you makes it less interesting for them, plus they can save face which is important since he's your boss (ugh). And you regain a little control of the situation yourself. Sorry that this is happening.

seaview

@dtowngirl I too have a ... problematic... boss. I got some really great advice from someone. When he is unreasonable, hypocritical, hyper-critical (etc etc), try to change your reaction from anger to curiosity. From "how dare you bastard" to "that's interesting". Its kind of working for me, and makes me feel like the superior person instead of the besieged one. Plus I enjoy feeling that bit of condescension towards someone who earns approx 4 times my salary.

magnowlia

THE ABOVE PICTURE IS MY HOMETOWN ALBANY, NY.

As you were.

fondue with cheddar

CAMPING! :)

I've had a really rough winter and spring, and am really looking forward to Lake George island camping next week! I went last year and it was great, and this year will be even better because my boyfriend and I will be alone (not totally alone, but no friends on our island, only strangers) and now we have a telescope! I've been going through a bout of depression, and this will definitely help, even if it only lasts a short while (though 6 days isn't that short). It's so beautiful up there.

Anybody have any recommendations on good biodegradable soap that can be used for both dishes and body? Unscented is preferred.

Happy 4th, fellow Americans!

PennyCentury

@fondue with cheddar is Dr. Bronners biodegradable? I have definitely used this for dishes and body at the farm I worked on. I know the one is pretty eucalyptus-y, but I think they have unscented, no?

fondue with cheddar

@PennyCentury Hm, I don't know...I'll check it out if they've got unscented. How about hair? My hair gets oily so washing it is a necessity, but it's also very fine so it doesn't like all soaps.

PennyCentury

@fondue with cheddar I've totally used it on hair, and I used to use it when I had long super thick coarse hair. It's both very potent and not super sudsy though, so even though I know it definitely cleaned mine (I could feel it in my scalp)- it can be kinda harsh, so I don't know how it would deal with treatments/etc?

fondue with cheddar

@PennyCentury Good to know. I don't have any treatments, my hair is totally no-maintenance. The ends are a bit dry because I need a trim, but other than that it's pretty healthy (and I will probably get it cut before I go so I have less to deal with). But I have bangs, so just putting it in a ponytail isn't really an option. Thanks so much for your input!

panther

@PennyCentury Dr. Bronner's IS biodegradable! I have used it for lake baths with great success.

fondue with cheddar

@panther Awesome. My boyfriend has one of those shower bottle things, but I would much rather take a lake bath. I've never done it but I decided that that's what I would like to do this time. I'll just have to keep my swimsuit on (or at least be stealthy about it).

Sister Administrator

@fondue with cheddar @panther Oh my goodness you guys, please never put soap in the lake!

fondue with cheddar

@Sister Administrator But isn't that the whole point of these kinds of soaps, that they're safe for the environment? The kind I bought is biodegradable, low-suds, and pH neutral.

stuffisthings

My wife didn't get her paid internship! But she doesn't seem TOO upset about it so I guess that's OK.

Now, time to help her sign up at temp agencies...

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@stuffisthings That sucks, but I'm glad she's taking it well!

packedsuitcase

Whoooooosaaaaa.

So my uterus has been singing a rather rousing rendition of "Put me in, Coach!" ever since my friend had her twins. Dudefriend has been laughing about it, telling me how adorable it is, and telling me how sweet it is that I love them so much. (I used to be pretty firmly anti-baby, and almost broke up with my ex over him wanting kids and me not wanting them in a million years.) So last night we were talking and he said, "You really want kids, don't you?" and I said, "Yeah, and don't even pretend like you don't."

"Nope, not pretending. I definitely want them, just in a few more years."

Hearing him say he wanted kids? Not helping shut my ute up. Dammit.

iceberg

@packedsuitcase Pin, meet Condom!

JUST KIDDING MR. SUITCASE. Well, maybe go read that article about how you've got longer than you think, and also definitely offer to babysit the twins (or even just hang out with them for the length of a nap or a shower because trust me).

packedsuitcase

@iceberg Bahahahahaha. First we'd have to go through the IUD removal stage and the live-in-the-same-timezone stage, but it's a thought. ;)

We're both still fairly young and have the same kind of ideal mental timeline for this, so that's good. And it's honestly not that long when you factor in grad school, getting engaged, getting married, and then starting to try for a baby. But baby toes! Give me all the squishable, nomable, adorable baby toes!

(And yes, I have made it clear that there is a standing babysitting offer should she ever just want to shower. Or nap. Or nap with her husband, because sometimes you just need your person.)

olivebee

@packedsuitcase Oh my god, you know when you go your whole life thinking something because you thought it once and it stuck? Like this happens with song lyrics a lot? And then someone reveals the truth and you are like WHOA? Well, I always thought Put Me In Coach was about sitting in coach on an airplane until JUST NOW. Like "put me in coach because I'm not a snob who only demands first class." Nevermind how the rest of the lyrics clearly state how it's about baseball - my brain just happened to ignore that little fact for 20some years.

packedsuitcase

@olivebee YES! Okay, not only do I completely know that feeling, The Bloggess has done a post about it lately and it's amazing. Clicky clicky

WinteronMars

@packedsuitcase I totally posted a few weeks ago in a FOT about this same feeling! As a (1 month! eek!) soon to be medical student and generally "responsible" career minded lady I totally get where you're coming from! Baby toes, pudgy thighs, little gurgles, and that so sweet little rolly-polly belly makes my breasts ache and my heart jump. I'm gonna say- it's hard sometimes but for me the best distraction has been to do things that I wouldn't get to do while pregnant or with young kids. Like go to medical school and get shit faced at a fancy restaurant and travel to far away places.

Also..uh... I have a box with baby things I am slowly adding cute outfits/toys too. Yeah. There's that too! But you're not alone! (I totally thought I was since most of my friends dreams now involve transmembrane protein pumps, which are awesome!)

apples and oranges

Started a new job last week (hooray!) but my new workstation is giving me PAINS (not hooray!) My shoulder/neck are kinda sore and just this afternoon the feeling has crept up into my ear/cheek/jaw. OMG WHAT DO I DO AM I DYING (I have refused to google anything because I know this is what it will say). This has all resulted in my being at many unprofessional looking poses at my desk, luckily it's a holiday week and no one is here.

empathicalist

@kangerine - Use this calculator to try and get your workstation setup for your size.

adorable-eggplant

@kangerine Your chair is the wrong height! Put your hands on your desk and your elbows should make an L. Also, a foot rest might help. And desk arm stretches.

ETA: http://www.yogajournal.com/officeyoga/ Desk yoga!

apples and oranges

@adorable-eggplant @adorable-eggplant @empathicalist
AH thank you! I'm a shortie so I guess everything is just too tall for me. And I have been doing some desk stretches but thank you for the office yoga link!

sophia_h

@kangerine tell your boss or HR -- they do have to help you be healthy at your desk, and can probably buy more ergonomically correct stuff if you need it.

adorable-eggplant

@sophia_h Like a seat booster and a foot rest.

lookuplookup

@kangerine My work station is basically cobbled together from old garbage -- I need a different chair and a foot rest and a whole new life (also a new neck, back, etc.) I'm glad you posted about this, maybe it will motivate me to FINALLY talk to my boss and our HR person about it.

empathicalist

@kangerine - Also, don't forget your feet! If you can't sit with your feet totally flat on the floor, get a box/book/footstand. The drag on your hips and back is really bad.

paper bag princess

My boss's wife is about to take me clothes shopping to help me pick out work clothes. In the middle of the day. That means I am basically being paid to go to H&M. (I have to actually purchase the clothes myself, but still.) Yay! Best job ever!

olivebee

@paper bag princess You have an extremely unusual boss! Do you work somewhere with a strict dress code?

paper bag princess

@olivebee Haha, no! Well sometimes, maybe. It's a consulting firm and if we have clients who are important or formal I'll have to dress up a little. There's a trip coming up to a more conservative area that I need nicer clothes for. I think the boss's wife just likes fashion! He also told one of the other consultants that today I was "very busy" and thus could not work on their project, instead of just changing the shopping trip.

I think I won the Job Lottery.

pimentinha

Good afternoon, Pinners! I have two questions today:
1. Does anyone have experience with mold allergies and maybe what OTC allergy medications are effective when you live in a really humid place (thus, negating the possibility of removing all mold from your home)? Eeeeurgh...

2. Now that Lizzie Bennet and Strip Search are over (both of which I found out about via the Hairpin), there is a smallish hole in my heart where regularly-updated short series used to be. Any web series recs?

Happy Fourth y'all! Go forth, drink some dranks, commune with some bald eagles, and be merry!

sophia_h

@pimentinha Had horrible mold allergies all last winter because we live in a crappy apartment. It can actually become a serious health problem! We combated it with the combo of a dehumidifier and, most importantly, an air purifier. I slept with it running and then would take it into the living room in the evenings and it helped a lot.

pimentinha

@sophia_h Thanks for the suggestions! I'm trying to track down a dehumidifier but they're a lot less common here in Brazil where I live, so I'll probably end up paying out the nose when I find one. At this point, though, it will be so worth it, ridiculous price and everything. Will add air purifier to the list of things to look for!

lemonadefish

@pimentinha If the mold is somewhere you can get to, hydrogen peroxide does a great job of killing it. (It can bleach some things, so be kind of careful, but I've had good luck dumping it on moldy window sills, etc.)

lemonadefish

I just bought a fire station! We take possession Friday, then immediate go to the river for a three day party, and come back and spend all next week painting. You guys! A fire station! You should all come visit.

iceberg

@lemonadefish but did it come with firemen? *expectant leer*

ellochka

@lemonadefish My parents almost did this before I was born! I am still maybe a little mad that they didn't.

Congratulations!!!

Briony Fields

@lemonadefish Congrats! And uh, please explain? How/why does one buy a fire station? Please tell me you're going to move in there and sleep upstairs and slide down the fire pole for breakfast every day. Please.

hallelujah

@lemonadefish Seriously I don't care if you live in Antarctica, if I'm invited to party in a firehouse BY GOLLY I'M ON MY WAY.

(so where do you live)

lemonadefish

@iceberg Well, they weren't included, but I'm pretty sure I can kidnap some. I'll just be all - oh, I think I have a fire! Wont' someone come put out my fire? And then I'll just keep them.

lemonadefish

@Briony Fields This one hasn't been used for fire fighting for about 30 years. I am absolutely going to sleep upstairs, and there is a pole (well, actually, two poles. yeah.) but I'm kind of scared of sliding down it! Anyone have any tips on overcoming fear of poles? (heh heh heh)

lemonadefish

@hallelujah Come on over! (I live in Arkansas. Sorry.)

panther

@lemonadefish I grew up in a former fire station turned into a house and it was so totally awesome! Aside from the fact that they'd taken the poles out.

lookuplookup

@lemonadefish Oh my god, you are living my dream!!! Well, one of my dreams. I also dream about living in an old schoolhouse. Or maybe just a nicely furnished hole in the ground On the Banks of Plum Creek.

Lucienne

@lemonadefish I think your kidnapped firemen will help you with that.

lemonadefish

@panther I am glad to hear it! I expect it to be awesome, but it's good to know that other people's experiences support my hypothesis.

Hot Doom

@lemonadefish This is SO COOL! I would love love love to live in a converted structure, such as a fire station or a church. Was it just up for sale on the regular house market, and has it already been converted for full-time domestic living (sorry, I know nothing about life in a fire station)? Any extra permits involved? I ask because I want to doooo this. Congratulations!!

P.S. do try to invite some firefighters over and then steal them. Do it for your country, do it for us.

lemonadefish

@Hot Doom This one was indeed on the regular house market (early morning bleary-eyed Zillow browsing FTW!). We will be the third residential owners of this fire station. The first owners had to get it re-zoned (homeowner's insurance requires that your home is zoned residential) (this process can take 6-8 weeks here, but really only involves filing some paperwork and showing up for a meeting. It can be more complicated other places.) but we didn't have to do anything except plunk down a pile of money. It's in fairly original condition - the kitchen was added (or possible changed out from a fireman kitchen to a regular person kitchen? I'm not entirely clear on that part.) and a couple of closets were built, but otherwise, it's a fine old fire station.

We actually looked as a couple of structures that were listed commercially (an old old grocery store, and a print shop), but they had not been converted, and my husband was (perhaps rightly) scared of the work involved. My actual dream is to live in a thread factory haunted by the mournful ghosts of child workers who were fatally tangled in the thread workings. I would have portraits done of all of them. I think those would mostly be on the east coast though...

Briony Fields

Really America, four days off? FINE! Enjoy your stinkin' barbecues and fireworks or whatever. I'm going to sulk over here in my Europe corner.

I do have a long weekend though, because for the next two months evvvvvery weekend is a long weekend, thank you summer hours! I worked myself down to the bone all winter for this. WORTH IT.

One dumb from today: I lost my bus pass. Wah! Now I have to shell out €80 for a new one. *tears*

meetapossum

@Briony Fields

blushingflower

@Briony Fields Well, we don't get any vacation days and we have longer workweeks and crazy private health insurance, so try not to be too jealous.

iceberg

@meetapossum oh god the tear this is perfect.

districter

@Briony Fields OK I am an American and I have to work friday, BUT the publican transportation in my city lets you register your bus pass's serial number so if you lose it they will cancel the card and send you a new one. So I have you there. AMERICA.

Briony Fields

@blushingflower Oh man touché, but because I am a foreigner and a freelancer I also have none of those things and have to pay my own insurance. I am crying in sync with that eagle right now.

Briony Fields

@districter I have some kind of serial number on mine as well because I have a subscription and got my entire year's worth of tickets at once. Buuuuut my name isn't on it and therefore it is considered 'transferable' which means I can't prove that I didn't just sell it and am now trying to get another one for free.
America 1, me -10,000.

Bittersweet

@blushingflower ...and we don't have Bank Holidays every other Monday. Not that I'm jealous of my UK colleagues or anything...

ellochka

GRUMPYFACE.

I have four days off starting tomorrow, so OF COURSE Boyfriend and I are getting sick. Of course we are. And much as I adore Boyfriend, he is the WORST at being minorly sick. Huuuuuuuuuuuge baby.

zamboni

@ellochka Oh no, does he get Man Colds?

ellochka

@zamboni YUP.

Briony Fields

ALSO to all of you who recommended podcasts to me last week, thank you for my new addiction. I've listened to three of the recommended podcasts so far, and I have loved 100% of what I have heard! Judge John Hodgman had me at "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god, or whatever?"

Buffy Summers

Are the "Ask A ____" being phased out? Because please no. I love them a lot and miss them.

Unrelated... I've been wearing less makeup and am really loving it. It's been cool to sort of challenge myself on my own assertion that I need makeup to feel "on" or something/don't look "right" without it. Slightly embarrassing to admit all this because I know it shouldn't feel like a big deal.. but whatever. :)

jazzloon

@Buffy Summers i have started to do the same thing; it's more of "not giving a fuck" and realizing that I am not obligated to impress anyone, not even my boyfriend, on a daily basis. i relish it. good for you!

A. Louise

@Buffy Summers it's a big deal! I went to work without eyeliner on last week and felt so badass about it that I've done it several times since then.

And then I had a guy at work tell me I had a nice complexion and it felt totally awesome.

paper bag princess

@Buffy Summers I also really really really miss the Ask A _____ posts and I hope they will continue!

packedsuitcase

@Buffy Summers I'm doing this, too! I went from serious full-face make up every day to concealer, tinted moisturizer, an eensy bit of blush, mascara, and a tiny bit of brow powder. Which, okay, sounds like a lot, but compared to my routine before? This ain't nuthin'.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@paper bag princess Thirded! Ask A ___ are great. I want to see them stick around, even if the ___ will be new people to replace the old ones!

Mae
Mae

@Buffy Summers I, too, have been easing off the make-up for the past few years and it is totally great. The only thing I still feel slightly weird about not wearing is mascara, because I still have baggage about having very pale strawberry blond eyelashes, but I'm getting there.

zamboni

@Mae I think pale eyelashes are pretty darn cool. In certain light they look like spun sugar.

Quinn A@twitter

@Buffy Summers I don't know. I was worried about that in the last open thread, and then we got an Ask a Queer Chick column a few days later so I stopped worrying. A Lady and A Dude and A Married Dude can all be good, but I need A Queer Chick.

theotherginger

@Quinn A@twitter that's because AQC is the best

PennyCentury

My oldest friend got to come visit me so briefly last night (it involved delicious sopes and hibiscus beer!). The last time I went to see her in LA she was coming off of some awful breakups and so I gave her a set of arbitrary rules of things she had to avoid in romantic entanglements. She turned that around on me last night and gave me my three, which are:

1) No flakes (can't cancel an hour before a date etc)
2) No one in any big transitory periods (these include open relationships, moving across the country, starting doctoral programs)
3) No journeying (i.e. they have to live in a five mile radius of me and be willing to come to my hood.

So I wondered if anyone else has ever made arbitrary rules because I'd like to switch mine up, ha! Also, seeing as I can't even drag myself back to official internet dating, I have a feeling this is just going to hermit-me-up more, but who knows??

apples and oranges

@PennyCentury After being involved in theater during high school and college, I have firmly settled on the rule No Actors.

jazzloon

@PennyCentury From Living Single, my favorite underrated TV show:
"One: no actors, no models. Two: no butt, no date. And most importantly no man who’s so in love with a basketball that he can’t even attend your law school graduation. Then, the minute your career takes off, he dumps you so fast it leaves your head spinning like a top!"

PennyCentury

@kangerine ooh that's good. I was trying to come up with things like, "Is way too into improv as a hobby/never going to be a career" thing but I just in general avoid those folks. :\ (SORRY IMPROV FANS).

PennyCentury

@jazzloon YES. I want things more tangible-- I gave her that (no alkies, no thick rimmed glasses wearers who don't really need glasses, no one who really, really likes indie rock-- not that there is anything wrong with any of those qualities, they were just qualities she needed to not be around for a while.)

ach_so

@PennyCentury I don't waste any time on dudes who might be socially conservative.

zamboni

@jazzloon NO BUTT, NO DATE <3 <3 <3

Whatnot

@PennyCentury Yes! This was my one rule: 1) No Engineers.

I'm celebrating my twelfth anniversary with my engineer husband next week.

PennyCentury

@Whatnot as the daughter of an engineer, I salute you! AND THERE ARE SO MANY JOKES.

I could get back on the "okay, poets are cool" train but I'm still keeping "I'm in a band" as a HELL NO.

blushingflower

is there ar thread where we can talk about hating fireworks? Because, ladies, I am not A Fan. I can watch them on TV, but I really hate the noise they make, and really, REALLY hate feeling them in my sternum. Also, the amateurs who set them off at all hours of the night whenever they feel like really drive me crazy.

adorable-eggplant

@blushingflower One time I had to hide under a table because of fireworks, and everyone laughed until a flaming piece of cardboard fell from the sky. Soooo yup. But I do love sparklers: can't lie.

Lurkasaurus

@blushingflower Nooooope. So much nopetopus to fireworks. Firework season in my neighborhood lasts from May-September. I am past the point where I think they are gunshots and reflexively duck (to the uproarious laughter of the BF), but EVERY NIGHT until ridiculous hours the intermittent bang noises wake us up, scare our cats, and generally disrupt our lives. So sick of the lack of basic respect for other people living their lives that the people who do this display.

PatatasBravas

yisssssssss my people

Our neighbors are way into the fireworks, and I live in constant fear that one of their children is going to lose a finger.

ellochka

Also, GUYS. Boyfriend told his parents of his ring-shopping and intent to marry the shit out of me, and they are trying not only to dictate what my ring will look like/how much it costs (FAR MORE THAN I WOULD BE OK WITH), but they have also ALREADY started trying to hijack the wedding.

WE ARE NOT TECHNICALLY ENGAGED YET. This is going to be terrible, isn't it.

blushingflower

@ellochka If I could make gifs, I would make one of the Nopetupus but instead of "nope nope nope" it would say "elope elope elope"

adorable-eggplant

@ellochka Oh man. Oh man.

iceberg

@blushingflower Elopetopus!

lemonadefish

@ellochka ELOPE NOW WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE!

adorable-eggplant

@ellochka Also, maybe this is a crazy idea, but what if you "paid the deposits" already on a venue that only holds X number (whatever you're comfortable with) of people and then just use the same strategy for all other decisions, like, "Oh future parent in-laws, that's a lovely taffeta monstrosity that you want me to wear but this dress was a hand-me-down from a close friend who would be CRUSHED if I didn't wear it." And repeat as needed.

olivebee

@ellochka Oh man. I [politely] said "no, that's not really the style I was going for" or "no, that's not necessary to have - we're trying to keep it simple" to my MIL so many times during wedding planning that she began acting very hurt and sad all the time. So, if you don't elope and want to have a wedding, make your fiance say all the nos. She'll forgive him more easily.

ETA: I also like adorable-eggplant's idea!

turnipgreens

@ellochka Now is the time to create a united front. OUR wedding, OUR plan, OUR budget. Unless the two of you, personally (couple-ly?), dream of doing a wedding thing that will cost more than you can pay for yourselves and you NEED their money help, draw the line right now, figure out a script and stick to it. "This is the kind of celebration we want. [Describe celebration.] We'll be so happy to have you guys there with us! All we want you to do is show up."

Or follow the elopetupus to City Hall!

ellochka

@all Elopement is starting to look like a serious possibility. But we had/have this dream-idea of the ZOO and our families and close friends and something nice and small and fun, and I'm having a hard time letting it go.

BUT ALSO I should not be having a hard time with anything, because AGAIN, we are NOT ENGAGED YET.

They already came at us with an offer: they pay for half of everything, plus all "their" guests and Boyfriend's and my friends. I am drowning in this and it shouldn't have even started yet.

iceberg

@olivebee Yeah one piece of advice the Dear Prudence always gives is that people in married couples each deal with their own parents, and that always seemed to make sense to me.

bevrockin

@ellochka Yeah, elope. Go somewhere far away, and act like it's a vacation. Then, get married there. It's all about you two.

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I just tried doing a google search to see if I did, in fact, coin the word "nopetopus," (which was probably independently conceived by thousands of people all over the place like everything else) and then I noticed that there is a nopetopus.com. DO NOT GO TO NOPETOPUS.COM, EVER.

lemonadefish

@ellochka Elope and then have a casual reception at the zoo.

smidge

@ellochka I hear courthouse weddings cost like $10.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@ellochka a) Congratulations! b) Pull a Jim and Pam - elope, sort of, but also have the kind of wedding that will make other people happy even though at that point you won't care because you already got married and it was fabulous.

ellochka

@lemonadefish If this is a possibility, I'm doing it.

adorable-eggplant

@ellochka I'm sure the zoo has a people limit and it's tiny! Also, I looked at a zoo venue and was charmed. So hey, navigating how to mutually enforce your boundaries with the in-laws will be a thing you have to do over time as a couple anyway. Why not have an event to establish the ground rules?

lemonadefish

@ellochka It absolutely is. (I mean, I can't speak for your particular zoo, but surely they all allow parties of some kind.) I've been to several, and it's fun! The wedding part is boring anyway - people just want cake and dancing! There may still be some in-law pushiness, but if it's not really a wedding, people tend to relax a bit...

pimentinha

@ellochka I had the equivalent of a courthouse wedding. We paid the fee for the marriage license, showed up with two friends, had no family present--and neither of us have any regrets! We both love our families dearly but it was way easier to just do the deed on a random day. We're planning on having a party sometime in the future when we have more money and patience to round up everybody from two countries and try to get them together in the same place. That stuff is stressful, and you two have every right to side step it; you are the ones getting married, so do things on your terms.

ellochka

@lemonadefish I'm sure this is a good compromise, but I still resent them for making me make these choices (and other reasons!), especially right now, which is ridiculous. They also don't think I'm good enough for their son, and our mutually shared desire for a chill wedding and my lack of desire to have a $10k ring is probably further proof that I am insufficient.

We really WANT to have a wedding. A ceremony and everything, with the people who matter to us. In a low-key, not a billion dollars way. And not with our parents', I don't know, former co workers.

garli

@pimentinha I did something very similar and had no follow up party and no regrets. My mom is still bitter but she was a big part of the reason I didn't want a wedding so...

RK Fire

@fondue with cheddar Is your reaction to nopetopus.com similar to the movement of a nopetopus?

fondue with cheddar

@RK Fire Yes, but with more screaming.

milominderbender

@fondue with cheddar Is it "nope to pus"? Cause I can see how that could go wrong.

Beaks

@ellochka Zoos sometimes do packages. Which is code for "limited options." Which can actually be awesome, especially when you are dealing with people whose ideal options look nothing like yours...

We did a full-service venue package thingy, and it was actually the most chill/ laid back option we could have chosen.

Eloping is great, but if having people there to witness your ceremony is important to you, you should make that happen, because it is totally awesome to have them there supporting you when you make those promises. All the feels.

loren smith

@ellochka This happened to me with my MIL - sympathies! Her attitude towards our wedding irreparably damaged our relationship. The only thing that work was united front: "our wedding", "our planning", "our future together". Eventually she came to terms with it, and things are okay now, but I'll never be able to look at her the same way.

jenjenboben

@ellochka You don't have to elope if you don't want to. Being firm about what you want and sticking with it is really good practice for the future. Don't let go of your dream wedding (the zoo sounds so sweet and fun!) because you want to avoid conflict. The conflict will be there anyway.

Also, speaking as someone with difficult in-laws, pay really close attention now to how your guy handles stuff like this because this is unlikely to be the only major hassle they throw your way. Being able to be on the same page as far as how to handle this kind of thing is really important.

harebell

@ellochka
oh, man. This is probably a crucial time to set boundaries. So if you don't like their ring/dress/whatever suggestions, I would say so in a way that is polite and kind but firm and does NOT hide behind any excuses.

If they were the type to not overstep boundaries generally, it would be fine to fudge by devolving responsibility on circumstances, e.g. "the dress has sentimental value, the deposits just so happen to be already paid, how sad". But if they are prone to overstep boundaries, it is much better to kindly say now, "this is the wedding ring I am going to be wearing every day/these are our family finances, and we want to spend x amount on y ring". So that they start understanding now that you are not their dependent children but independent adults who love them but have to live their own lives.

MY mother-in-law, while being very sweet, just went out and bought my husband flowers that she wants *him* to give to *me*, so this is a problem I have plenty of sympathy for!

@jenjenboben is really right with this: "You don't have to elope if you don't want to. Being firm about what you want and sticking with it is really good practice for the future. Don't let go of your dream wedding (the zoo sounds so sweet and fun!) because you want to avoid conflict. The conflict will be there anyway."

Madeline Shoes

@fondue with cheddar I DID NOT HEED YOUR WARNING. OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

cminor

@Madeline Shoes I REEEAAALLLLY want to look. But I must resist!

fondue with cheddar

@Madeline Shoes I WARNED YOU IN ALL CAPS! You have no one to blame but yourself. Now you can never unsee it! :(

@cminor You really should resist. Really.

lasso tabasco

GUYS, I fell over in front my entire company at our barbeque yesterday and the only thing that hurts worse than my pride is my second toe, from which the nail was pried back and now hurts like anything. What do I do about this? Wrap it, not wrap it? Do I need to get antibiotics from the doctor (I can see little asphalt bits under my nail)? HELP!

lemonadefish

@lasso tabasco Maybe soak it in some salty water, and then put ointment on it? I wouldn't go to the doctor unless it gets red and pink and yellow and infected looking...

ellochka

@lasso tabasco I second the soaking in salty water idea. And try to keep it elevated if it's swollen (easier said than done, obviously).

sophia_h

So after the shower two weeks ago and a few more purchases Monday, we pretty much have all the required baby things except a couple of odds and ends, and I keep going into the office to look over the pile all gloatingly, and I kind of want to get the crib set up and his things put away in drawers and the carseat in the car...

...except I also sort of don't for two reasons. We technically have 3.5 more weeks, and since we're doing a modified co-sleep and squeezing things around the edges of our fairly small apartment, I'm trying to hold off on the inconvenience of the coming rearrangement as long as possible, though of course I have anxieties about delivering 3 weeks early and that damn IKEA crib not being assembled yet and having nowhere to put him when he comes home. But also, I've been so anxious this entire pregnancy I've held off on doing lots of things that would make it seem "real" (like, uh, telling people I didn't see regularly until I was 7 months) out of this completely irrational and superstitious fear that something bad would instantly follow. And it seems like putting all his things where they go is on that list as well (I hasten to add that prenatal care and not drinking and other important stuff was NOT on the avoid list). I know it's dumb, but I have this idea of getting everything opened and in place and then having to gather it all back up again and return it, unlikely as that is.

TL;DR, everything about being pregnant is hard, especially if you're an anxiety ball like me.

lemonadefish

@sophia_h Plenty of cultures have pretty strict practices of not setting up baby things until there is an actual baby. I think many Jews don't even bring any baby things into the house until the baby is born. So you're not being weird! You do have to have the carseat in to get home from the hospital, but otherwise it will all wait.

sophia_h

@lemonadefish Thanks, I know it's normal elsewhere -- I just keep seeing pictures of adorable nurseries (which we don't plan on having for a year or so anyhow) and feeling unorganized. Plus annoyed with myself for being superstitious, but two miscarriages last year unfortunately made it very difficult to just react normally.

iceberg

@lemonadefish A friend of mine in high school was Orthodox Jewish and I'm pretty sure (hazy memory, so please forgive inaccuracy) they called her nephew "the baby" until he was like 2 years old for similar reasons.

harebell

@sophia_h
By the way, my parents had my brother far away from home due to an issue with the quality of hospitals near them, and they totally made make-shift cribs for him on the drive back in hotels by taking a drawer out of the hotel dressers and padding the bottom with a baby blanket. My brother was just fine! It will also be totally okay if you don't have the crib set up when the baby arrives. You'll find a perfectly nice way to create a good place for the baby to sleep. The baby can even sleep on your/your husband's chest in the beginning! It will be fine.

nowwhat

So I got a new job (yay!) and now am planning a cross-country move. This is on balance a good thing, however my stuff is currently stored in three places, each at least a state apart from one another, and I am like a deer in the headlights when it comes to planning the logistics of getting it all consolidated and sent to an apartment that I haven't even found yet. Does anyone want to share any cautionary tales, or tales of success with doing something like this?

I am also having a lot of feels about Big Life Changes happening at a head-spinning clip... oof.

panther

@nowwhat I successfully moved cross-country with my boyfriend with no place to stay lined up when we arrived - we camped in a nearby campground until we found an apartment and it was actually quite nice! That said, it was summer, and we didn't have any furniture or anything that required a moving van...so maybe that's not too helpful? Good luck, it sounds exciting!

professionalmess

@nowwhat Not nearly as complex (my stuff was in 3 places but in the same state), but I moved mostly across the country a few months ago to an apartment I had never seen in a city I'd never been to, and drove for 3 days with my parents and not only did no one get murdered, my apartment turned out to be fine and my neighbor helpped carry up the couch which was impossibly heavy and it's mostly going alright. Good luck!

lalaura

@nowwhat This company is awesome: http://www.upack.com/

And get rid of EVERYTHING you don't adore.

bevrockin

I did a patriotic manicure! Red, white, blue, sparkly, a star or two. Can you see it?
http://instagram.com/p/bTuoU3qzFX/

fondue with cheddar

@bevrockin I SEE IT AND IT IS GLORIOUS

bevrockin

@fondue with cheddar Thanks! I cut them all down pretty short recently, so I couldn't do anything more elaborate than my nail beds would currently allow.

iceberg

@bevrockin ahaha that's GREAT! love the middle nail!

Lucienne

@bevrockin LOOK AT YOUR FINGERS.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

My friend has an awesome condo and there's another condo in his huilding for sale but I realized that I can't afford it :( I have a decent amount of money saved up, but it's not enough for both a down payment AND furniture (both of which I would need, obviously.) I think I just need to mope about this for a while and continue trying to cut corners so I can put more money into savings so it can collect interest. (And, in the meantime, figure out when I can visit him and take advantage of his pool.)

On the plus side, I get to see one of my best friends every day this week, after having barely seen each other for months! We're going to a bunch of concerts that all happened to be this week. I really needed some friend time, and this is like Super Fun Everything Lots of Friend Time time. Yay! Have a great rest of the week, everyone!

allofthecrafts

Does anybody else have to scroll past the yogurt ghost posts because they are too grossed out by yogurt/the idea of it spilled on something? No? Just me? I'll just sit over here.

jazzloon

@allofthecrafts I love yogurt, but the ghost posts totally gross me out for some inexplicable reason. You're not alone.

Girl Named Jack

@allofthecrafts The relief I feel at knowing I'm not the only one who does this is palpable.

adorable-eggplant

@allofthecrafts I can't deal with soggy paper. So I feel you on being inexplicably grossed out sometimes.

New Commenter Name

@allofthecrafts
Yes! It totally grosses me out because I don't like yogurt and I also don't like food smeared on countertops.
Today I clicked through to the comments to see if anyone felt the same way as me, but everyone there seems to love it. To each her own!
(but glad to see kindred spirits here!)

Briony Fields

@allofthecrafts YES! It's so amazingly done and it blows my mind that someone can create something so beautiful from yoghurt. Buuuut I can only look at it long enough to admire the detail and then I start to gag.

kristenpdx

@allofthecrafts
Yes! It's gross! In meatspace, I hate even being around other people who are eating yogurt.

allofthecrafts

@kristenpdx SAME. When my roommate eats yogurt I can't be anywhere near enough that I might smell it. Ugh ugh ugh. I don't know what it is about it, but it grosses me ouuuuut. Which is sad, because everyone is like IT'S THE BEST FOOD FOR YOU, EVER.

dtowngirl

@allofthecrafts It grosses me out because when I was in college, I had a class in a room with long tables. Somebody spilled some brand of pink yogurt, and it somehow stayed on the table for the entire semester! It never got cleaned up, and, more disturbingly, it never rotted.

New Commenter Name

@kristenpdx Yes because it smells really bad.

Lu2
Lu2

@allofthecrafts Yes! I absolutely do scroll past them, quickly. Vite! They're gross to me, too. And I also don't like yogurt and never have, which is a separate issue. Further: food smeared is always gross, no matter the artistry with which it's done (which I do appreciate in this case--it's like painting, but I can't look at it; it's YOGURT).

Quinn A@twitter

@allofthecrafts Yes! I hate yogurt, and I hate the look of the posts. I mean, I assume they're well done from what little I see while frantically scrolling away, but they make me a little ill.

I would never say this in the comments to the post, because I don't want to hurt Natalie's feelings, but I definitely agree with you.

plumb-bob

@allofthecrafts Yes. They're very well done, but I just want to wipe the counter top clean.

mochi

@allofthecrafts I hate them. When a yogurt post appears I feel like gagging and I have to rapidly scroll down the page. But lots of people seem to enjoy it so more power to them.

Hot Doom

@allofthecrafts Yesss, it's gross. I just want to wipe the countertop down with bleach and then wash my hands. It sort of reminds me of when little kids eat with their hands and then touch you and other things and everything is left with this sort of sticky, smelly residue.

frenz.lo

Hey, guess how much it's going to cost out of pocket to get my IUD out? $1280! That's so many $bucks. I got the IUD in the first place to save money on birth control. With prices like these, I coulda stayed on Nuvaring.

jazzloon

@frenz.lo Oh no! Are you still going to get it?

sarah girl

@frenz.lo Ahh oh no! Maybe just take it out yourself? (Don't do this.)

Sea Ermine

@frenz.lo With prices like that would it be cheaper to go to Canada and get it done there?

lemonadefish

@frenz.lo :( Can you shop around at all? My gyn just did it during a normal pap smear, and it didn't cost any extra.

sarah girl

@frenz.lo In retrospect I'm sorry, my comment was way too flippant! I'm sure if you need it removed it's for a damn good reason (or it's reached the end of its efficacy period), and that's so frustrating that what is a really simple (and needed) procedure is so expensive.

jazzloon

@frenz.lo oops, misread. Have you tried PP? Do they do that?

empathicalist

@frenz.lo - Yeah, my insurance covered the insertion, but having it removed after complications/side effects was ~$800, because it was a "surgical procedure". wtf ever.

frenz.lo

@sarah girl Oh, the idea of tweezers and some gumption has crossed my mind, for sure. Usually, your vag mechanic can just reach in there and pull, and you're good to go. In my case, my NP and another doc tried a variety of ways to get the thing out, and they can't. My cervix decided to freestyle a little bit, so grew some tissue over the strings. (It's still in there, they had to gravely send me to ultrasound to check.) It's a dilemma, because the only reason I want it out is because I want a stupid baby, so I could wait and see if my cervix starts being cool again, but probably not, right?

frenz.lo

@Sea Ermine Damn, maybe! Or with travel expenses/passport/time off work, I might break even. But in Canada!

kristenpdx

@frenz.lo
I'm sure this is a serious issue, but "My cervix decided to freestyle" made me genuinely laugh!

iceberg

@frenz.lo stupid creative cervixes! Mine is "twisty" which means the ol' pap smear speculum (already the worst thing ever) really fucking hurts because It' can't go in straight.

Good luck on the procreating though :)

jazzloon

An Unexpected Good Thing that Happened to Me This Week: I did some freelance bar reviews for a website in JANUARY. Was supposed to receive 20 bucks per review. Talked to an intern, found out they never paid (they owed HER over $1000), wrote it off.

This week: I found myself facing $160 dollars in my checking acct, and $150 due in loans! TWO-FOR-ONE-GOOD-THING-SPECIAL: the smaller loan is quarterly (? didn't know that existed), so I don't have anything due until August. Then, I got my payment from said website! I am still a little in the hole (I am not broke, I am just crazy about not touching my savings) due to travelling costs for the 4th, but I will only have to borrow $30 dollars or so from my savings, which I always replenish (+ some) out of guilt. So my boyfriend and I went to dinner at GANSO, a dope ass ramen joint in Brooklyn (NYC pinners, we've discussed this!). SO GOOD.

Now, you tell me about your Unexpectedly Good Thing that Happened This Week. Or talk about your love of ramen. Either or.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@jazzloon I came very close to taking myself out for ramen on Friday night, until I found out that I could try and get standby tickets for a comedy show (Aziz Ansari, trying out new material, for an admission price of $10!!) So I skipped dinner, saw Aziz Ansari, grabbed some super unhealthy McDonald's on the way out, went to a free Feist concert as planned, and the whole evening cost me as much as the ramen would've, so that worked out pretty well!

(Though I do need to get some ramen in me the next time the weather calls for it.)

Two-for-one good thing special: The next day, I found out that Metric would be playing (for free) about two hours away during a Canada Day concert! (There is no ramen connection to this story.)

PennyCentury

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) !!!! I am so jealous. I swear, Emily Haines is one of the best performers I have ever seen in my life.

jazzloon

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Aziz is more or less equal to great ramen. Incredibly jealous. Put myself on the standby list and never heard back :( you're one of the lucky ones.

ellochka

Unexpectedly good thing: Got my first paychecks from work earlier than expected!

Ramen love thing: I LOVE RAMEN. Maybe I'll go to Jin Ramen this weekend. Or somewhere in Chinatown. I'm getting a cold---ramen will totally be good for me, right? YUP.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@jazzloon @PennyCentury I was extremely lucky to get to see both shows! (Standing by the entrance of the comedy club, looking forlorn, also helped.)

EdgyLatinist

I have a middle-school style crush on this dude who doesn't even properly live in my city yet, and he said he was going to be in town "at the end of the month" two weeks ago, and that we should "catch up," but I haven't heard from him since. Which is sort of fine if it's an actual rejection, because I'm actually pretty cool with being single, but if it's not I want to hang out with him, but I don't feel like it's an awesome idea to pester him. Ugh, I just needed to whine anonymously on the internet about this.

singed

This is a second account I created because I need to ask for advice but also I use my normal username a lot of places and I want this to be anonymous because it has to do with porn.

Ok so, earlier in the week I was helping my boyfriend with something on his computer, and when I went to look something up I accidentally right clicked the browser (he had two browsers minimized on the bottom of the page) up popped his search history which was all porn (it was IE which he never uses so I'm guessing that's his porn browser). I quickly closed it and went along with whatever I was helping with.

I was planning not to say anything, since I knew he wouldn't want me seeing that (he's private about these things) but also I have HUGELY guilty conscience, even for little white lies or lying by omission stuff so the next day I told him that I saw it, and let him know that I would never intentionally poke through his search history, that it was an accident.

Since then things have been super weird. I tried to talk about it when I first told him about it (because I could tell he was acting weird/was upset) but he wouldn't talk about it at all. I know he has trouble talking about stuff (especially anything private or that has to do with feelings) but with this he really shut down. And so I was like OK whatever, maybe he's just embarrassed and he'll get over it. But he's still being super super awkward.

It's been about a week now, and I noticed he wasn't really touching me that much or cuddling with me and so I tried to bring it up (I'm a very cuddly person/need lots of touching) and he said that he still doesn't feel quite comfortable around me after "what happened".

Based on some stuff he said when we first tried to talk about it, I think he's just super ashamed of what kind of porn he watches, and feels uncomfortable with me because now I now about it. And he wont talk with me about it at all. And I have no idea how to deal with it because he's being super awkward around me and it makes me sad and I have no idea how to fix it because he wont talk about it. And I don't even know how to guess at how to fix it because it wasn't weird porn (it was fairly kinky stuff, and it wasn't stuff I was aware he was into, but it wasn't like, dead babies or anything gross and it was all from websites that I've read are women friendly/respectful of their performers) and I'm not someone who is ever ashamed about porn or sexual stuff. I've always known he was way less open than me about these things but I never expected he was ashamed about anything (although now I know he is very ashamed of some things).

And so now I'm in the position where I don't really understand what he's going through, he wont talk to me about what he's going through, and I feel bad that he's ashamed of himself, and he's acting weird and strange about me and he isn't touching me and I can tell he's uncomfortable but I can't do anything about it and also putting up with it makes me said. He said all I need to do is act normal around him and then he'll get over it but it's hard to be normal around him when he isn't being normal around me. And now I'm not really sure what to do.

fondue with cheddar

@singed Hm...sometimes people look at fetish porn where the fetish is a turn-on but it's not something you actually want to do, ever. For instance, some people get turned on by fictional incest porn but would never actually want to have sexual relations with anyone in their family.

On the other hand, it could be something he's legitimately into, and he either thinks you aren't or was afraid to bring it up for fear that you would disapprove or be grossed out.

Or maybe, for him, porn is a very secret, personal thing and he just doesn't want to share it with anyone. Like, if you are very secretive about pooping and one time your partner came in the bathroom while you were pooping, someone might have a hard time dealing with that fact.

Of course, your response should be different depending on which situation it is, and there's really no way of knowing without talking to him. This is tough. Maybe you could write him a letter if he's having trouble facing you? If you tell him that you recognize that it may not be something he really wants to try, but if it is you love him anyway and are not turned off by it, maybe that will ease his worries. Also, if it's something he wants to try, let him know whether or not you would be willing to do so?

jazzloon

@singed Yesterday, I was trying to help my boyfriend with something on his computer. With him looking over my shoulder, I searched "a" for "adobe reader. "Anal teenagers" was the first thing to come up. I just ignored it.

I think you need to make clear that you DON'T CARE what type of porn he watches/if he watches porn (if this is the case). Do you watch porn? Perhaps it would help if you tell him what type you watch. You're dating and maybe it's long-term/you guys are living together/it doesn't really matter because you're DATING and therefore committed to each other: the things that you two should be embarrassed about in front of each other should be very, very low. Obviously, that will take some time, but perhaps this-- embarrassment-- should be the conversation you should be having with your boyfriend, instead of the porn specifically. If you two are in it for the long haul, then there are going to be weird, embarrassing things that creep up-- farting, porn, explaining to your boyfriend that you have "vaginitis" and him wanting to know ALL ABOUT IT because he "cares about yr health" and you're like "shut up shut up you won't get anything from it lets just pretend it never happened-- and you two need to figure out how to deal with them. Maybe don't start with porn. Start with farting, or pimples, or something small that embarrasses you. Bring it up to him. He will probably say, "I don't care when you have a pimple. I still think you are beautiful and like you as a person and don't want to stop putting my penis in you due to a blocked pore." Now, you have to explain to him that him watching porn is the exact same way. It changes nothing. You still like him. But you have to be true to your word, and continue to treat him in the same exact way (which it sounds like you're doing!). Maybe he will talk to you about it. Maybe he will just drop it and go back to normal. Just go with your gut.

/sorry unorganized but i hope it makes some form of sense!

blushingflower

@singed Honestly, there is a part of me that is saying "do you want to be with someone who communicates this way?"

If it were my partner, I would probably say "As soon as I realized what I was looking at, I closed the browser, but I am totally cool with you looking at porn, I don't have a problem with it, and I don't have a problem with whatever kind of porn you are looking at as long as all the participants are consenting adults. This is the last I'm going to say about it unless you want to talk about it."

packedsuitcase

@singed Oh man, I wish I had good advice for you. The only thing I've ever found that works for me when I have to have awkward conversations is they're SO much easier when it's not a Big Talk where we have to sit down and face each other. I do a lot better if I can talk at something, or feel like I'm hiding. So I tend to have those conversations while doing something else (cleaning, cooking, something where eye contact is optional) because it's more comfortable for me. Maybe that would help? Also, approaching it like it's not a big deal is probably important, too. I mean, honestly, it isn't! He likes kinky porn, that's more normal than he thinks, you know?

packedsuitcase

@blushingflower Yeah, I deleted the part of my post that said that, but that part of me is definitely there. I guess it just depends how common this reaction is and if it's tied to some kind of deep shame/embarassment or if he just generally doesn't believe emotions need to be talked about.

sophia_h

@singed My husband is reeeeally weird about the porn he watches. I've gotten him to tell me it's pretty much all "lesbian" ("I just want to look at hot naked women!"), but he gets awkward and won't tell me anymore. So I'm guessing all your guy wants to do is just not talk about it ever again, and eventually (a few weeks?) things will be normal. If not, though, it seems like the convo needs to happen again.

hallelujah

@jazzloon oh god I'm so sorry but I just laughed so hard at "anal teenagers" I am 12 and I will see myself out of this empathetic and wonderful thread.

ach_so

@singed @blushingflower Yep I agree. Do you really want to be with someone who handles awkward topics (and, I mean, it's porn for crying out loud! It shouldn't be a huge deal) this way? He's withdrawn from you just because you saw his browser history?! Red flag, if you ask me. Sorry.

fondue with cheddar

@packedsuitcase In the car is nice because you can both look ahead and not have to make eye contact, but you can still reach over and touch the other person for comfort if need be.

supernintendochalmers

@jazzloon This is a really good point. It's not really about the porn, it's about being able to talk through uncomfortable moments.

RNL
RNL

@singed Eeek! The communication is a problem, for sure. If it were me, and I'm not sure I'm saying anything the wise people above haven't already said, I would force a conversation like this:

"I now know you watch porn. In my view, you watching porn and what kind of porn you watch is none of my business. People's interior sexual lives are their own, and truly, I will never make you talk about that porn if you don't want to, and I will not even think about it much.

What IS my business is that you aren't touching me and talking to me. I love you. I need us to deal with THAT situation. You have two choices: 1) start cuddling with me and make me feel good and not awkward; or 2) talk to me about what is going on for you in this respect. The second option does not have to include discussion your porn habits, but it does have to include discussion of how we communicate and how you feel about me.

If you need some time to gather your thoughts, that's fine, but I need you to commit to discussing this with me by (X time). Sometimes I find writing things down in an email in advance is helpful. You can do that if you want to, and I will read it with an open mind and heart, and then we'll talk about it."

fondue with cheddar

@RNL PERFECT advice.

fondue with cheddar

@jazzloon In my boyfriend's google or address bar I started typing and "boob goddess" came up. He was mildly embarrassed, which I tease him about because it's so cute that he's shy about his very PG "porn." (He's ok with the teasing, btw). I'm the one who likes more hardcore stuff, including stuff I would never do. He just likes pictures of me or ladies who look like me, which is sweet. But if he liked hardcore porn that would be okay too!

jazzloon

@fondue with cheddar from what I've seen, my boyfriend's porn preferences are very vanilla. Blonde/ultra-"American" looking girls. Playboy bunnies. Was mildly disappointed!

packedsuitcase

@jazzloon Oh, I thought I was the only one that had that happen! I found my ex's porn at one point and it was just pictures of airbrushed blonde girls with big boobs. I teased him a little about how vanilla it is, but it was funny.

Dudefriend says he doesn't watch porn. I'm a little skeptical, but whatever. His inner life is his (though it'd be an interesting glimpse into his brain).

sophia_h

@fondue with cheddar Yes, mine is the same way, he basically just wants...more of me? Whereas I've been involved in fandom for 15 years reading and writing tons of erotica about people who are definitely not him. I used to feel guilty, but now I've just decided to feel lucky.

Lurkasaurus

@fondue with cheddar @sophia_h My BF is like this too! At first I was like...really, I promise, I'm not gonna get all crazy jealous about it, you don't have to lie or hide things from me because you think every woman wants to be told that she's the only woman in the world for you, baby! But it's been years and apparently he really is just that way. (For the record, I am...NOT. But he doesn't seem to mind.)

SarcasticFringehead

You guys we just hired a new marketing director and she doesn't use the Oxford comma. Usually I'm pretty live-and-let-live on that whole debate, but we're working together and I'll write something and she'll tell me to take the comma out and it's a little bit giving me hives.

olivebee

@SarcasticFringehead Hahaha our head marketing person who writes all of our company's blog posts and newsletters doesn't use the Oxford comma (which gives me hives), and he has me proofread/edit everything before it goes live, so I always sneak the Oxford commas back into his articles.

laurel

@SarcasticFringehead So, sorry about the whole comma business. Does your company have a style manual? If not, maybe it's time?

Oh, and just the other day I learned what a sarcastic fringehead is! O.o

fondue with cheddar

@SarcasticFringehead ARGH I'm a graphic designer and people make me talk out Oxford commas ALL THE TIME. It makes me batty. See also: improper capitalization and quotes for emphasis.

What IS a sarcastic fringehead?

ellochka

@SarcasticFringehead Oxford commas are so important to me. This would drive me slowly insane.

laurel

@fondue with cheddar You know that dinosaur from Jurassic Park that flares out that huge collar of skin when it gets all bitey? A sarcastic fringehead is a fish that does that.

SarcasticFringehead

@fondue with cheddar It's this fish. Not that I'm particularly into fish, but I figured I'm often sarcastic and have short hair, so it works. I guess that's what happens when you're thinking about your new commenter name while watching Planet Earth.

And I really try not to care about the comma, but the more I see it the more it bothers me. She's a copywriter, so I'm guessing she's using AP style, which means even if we set up a style guide it will still be WRONG.

RNL
RNL

@SarcasticFringehead I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT THEIR WRITING TO BE CONFUSING.

Use Oxford commas please. They are useful, helpful, and correct.

fondue with cheddar

@SarcasticFringehead THAT IS FANTASTIC.

@RNL Exactly! If you include the comma there is no confusion, uncertainty, or ambiguity. It's also got that comma-when-you-pause-in-speech thing going, so it feels right, too!

frumious bandersnatch

@SarcasticFringehead Write a secret style guide and then point to it. "Oh, actually just stumbled upon this - it's our company culture. And also yr WRONG."

Whatnot

@RNL Yes, exactly! All the discussion and justification for leaving out the comma and editorials about how the language should be allowed to change and prescriptivists are just control freaks and whatnot always only makes me think this: a sentence (or phrase) is never MORE confusing with the comma in place. Sometimes it is indeed MORE confusing to leave it out. The math is simple; why leave it out?

SarcasticFringehead

@Whatnot The only rationale I've heard for leaving them out was to save characters in something called a "newspaper," where apparently articles had a limited amount of space. Since that's not what we're writing, I see no reason, rationale, or justification for not including them.

Lu2
Lu2

@SarcasticFringehead Does anyone but me say "serial comma" anymore, or is everyone now wedded to "Oxford comma"? Commas figured heavily in the early part of my editorial career, and I only rarely heard "Oxford comma" before the last 5 years. Now it's everywhere.

TATABox

@SarcasticFringehead I am staunchly for the Oxford comma, and on top of that I HATE the American rule that punctuation at the end of a quote has to go inside the quotation marks. When I see a question mark that isn't part of the quote go inside the quotation marks I just rage. Anyone else? Also, fans of weird animals, google "red-lipped batfish." You're welcome.

jenjenboben

@TATABox I'm with you on punctuation in quotation marks. It is often needlessly confusing, like your example of the question mark when the quote is not a question.

Moonshine Mona Lisa

@Lu2 We've had "serial comma" in the style guide for my current and previous job. So it's still a thing, or at least my thing.

iceberg

@TATABox Oh my GOD I hate that so much. Especially because I didn't grow up here so it's kind of new to me - I just thought everyone was doing it wrong.

fondue with cheddar

@TATABox I'm really behind on this thread as it's been a busy few days, but I didn't realize there was such a rule! It just doesn't make sense when the punctuation doesn't match the original quote. Fuck that stupid rule. The whole point of punctuation is to eliminate confusion, not create it!

SarcasticFringehead

@fondue with cheddar So, technically, in American English, punctuation goes inside the quotation marks if it doesn't change the meaning of the quote - basically, commas and periods go inside no matter what, while question marks, exclamation points, semicolons (for some reason), etc. go inside if they're part of the quote and outside if they're not.

So:
She said, "I'd like you to pick up some Qream while you're at the store."
Did she just say, "I'm moving into a tiny house"?
She told him, "I just got a text from a ghost on my phone!"

The British way looks wrong to me, but I'd be willing to suffer through it for the sake of clarity.

fondue with cheddar

@SarcasticFringehead Oh, that's good. I'm glad the right way isn't the way that feels wrong.

olivebee

I was very bummed out for no apparent reason last week, so my husband, unbeknownst to me, was planning something for this [long] weekend to make me feel better. And so he is taking me to a farm way outside of Chicago that has a giant petting zoo so that I can pet all the goats and pigs to my heart's desire. I am a little concerned about being the only person there squealing and giggling with delight who is past the age of losing teeth and wearing OshKoshBigosh. But....animals!

RK Fire

@olivebee OMG, that is just delightful. I hope you both have a great time. :D

packedsuitcase

@olivebee That is so damn sweet.

frenz.lo

@olivebee I find your interests to be utterly charming, for real.

This is my new username

@olivebee If it makes you feel better tat sounds amazing and I am jealous! I always want to pet ALL the THINGs! So petting zoos are the greatest.

adorable-eggplant

@olivebee Do they have OshKoshBigosh in adult sizes?? (just checked, and the answer is sadly no. }:-| And they have the perfect romper! If only I were toddler sized.

p.s. that's so sweet! I hope there are baby goats that look like this

olivebee

Thanks! When he told me last night, he said, "I honestly never see you glow with as much pure, unadulterated joy as when you encounter animals. You should get a job as a show host on Animal Planet."

Why did he have to plant this unattainable dream in my head?!

ETA: It's so nice to know that I'm not the only oddball out there who is all "YAY GOATS TO PET!"

Jinxie

@adorable-eggplant OMG baby goats are the best. THE BEST. One of my fondest memories is the time me and an ex-dude took a trip down the coast and stopped at a goat cheese farm to get some cheese, only to discover that it was a) kid season and b) all the kids were in a big pen with their guard llama, Bart, and guests could go hang out with the kids for as long as they wanted. I spent an hour covered in adorable, attention-seeking baby goats who kept trying to eat my hair.

adorable-eggplant

@Jinxie In elementary school, my bff's parents had a goat farm, and she had her birthday party and goats were born and it was so coooool! Oh the hair nibbles!

@olivebee What about a local animal rescue? Like Animal Planet minus all those pesky cameras. :)

olivebee

@adorable-eggplant I have been volunteering at a local animal shelter for 7 years, and I love it (of course), but getting to work full time with animals would be like HOLY COWWWW (no pun intended).

adorable-eggplant

@olivebee Yeah, the place I volunteer with posts full-time opportunities and sometimes I day dream, but then I see the salary figures and they are TINY. So it's more a what I would do if I were independently wealthy day dream (so many of those).

packedsuitcase

@adorable-eggplant That's my dad's retirement job plan.

wallsdonotfall

@olivebee If this place turns out to have baby goats, PLEASE share where it is!

Hot Doom

You guys, I was just eating dinner (2 pulled chicken sandwiches) and after finishing one, I was getting ready to pound the next one and the fucking top bun has gone missing. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BUN???? I have checked in the trash, under the couch, under pillows, in my pockets, alll around the kitchen, and the bathroom, just in case. I wawnt mah samwich and the powers that be/ghost in the flat has boggarted my gluttony, for chrissakes.

laurel

@Hot Doom This is the best internet comment. Also, do you have pets?

Hot Doom

@laurel Nope, no animals, just my flatmate and husband. I need Robert Stack on the line because I've got an unsolved mystery here.

laurel

@Hot Doom Have you checked your phone for texts from Ghost?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Hot Doom You are the best. I wish you luck on your bun search.

SarcasticFringehead

@Hot Doom I want to make very clear that I did not thumbs-up your comment because I am pro-sandwich-blocking, but because I want to offer you support in this dark time and hope that you either solve the mystery or enjoy the sandwich even in its compromised state.

hallelujah

@Hot Doom Between this and anal teenagers I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW.

Hot Doom

I mean, it sort of worked out in the end because the unexpected pause and exercise of getting up and down and crouching to look under things between sandwiches sort of made me less frenzied to eat the 2nd one (oh, but I did. With some lettuce for a lid, because I'm no goof-up), but maybe Ghost is just fucking with me, and I'll get a smug text message about it tomorrow around breakfast time.

@hallelujah haha an anal teenager would not have let this happen!

angelinha

@Hot Doom WHAT?! Are your flatmate and husband home? Is there aaaany way you ate it without noticing? Is it still in the package? How can this be??

Hot Doom

@angelinha haha, my flatmate tried to convince me that I ate it without realising, but no! I had one lovely sandwich, and defs would have noticed if I had double-bunned. IT WAS ON MY PLATE AND THEN IT WASN'T. Last night, I went to bed thinking, shit, what if my life is turning Paranormal Activity and I find it in the attic? What if I wake up and it's on my pillow next to me?

angelinha

@Hot Doom It is comforting to hear that you woke up and that didn't happen!

Madeline Shoes

@Hot Doom This just made me laugh out loud so hard.

ach_so

Oh my god it is so EFFING HUMID and my air conditioner just cannot cool down my studio. I am SO over it & not happy that this is going to be the status quo for two more months.
:(

lobsterhug

DSW tried to tell me today that wedge sneakers are the hot new trend. I find this a contradiction in terms.

nowwhat

@lobsterhug Ugh wedge sneakers! They make me think the Mean Girls thing of, "Stop trying to make [wedge sneakers] happen! It's not going to happen!"

olivebee

@lobsterhug They were the new trend for girls in my 4th grade class - we all had these platform/wedge black Candies sneakers*. So you know it's hot when 10-year-olds from 1997 are all over it.

*Seen here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/91062287/90s-candies-platform-sneakers

lobsterhug

@olivebee "These shoes are to[sic] cool for damn school." Truer words.

iceberg

@lobsterhug I have these wedge sneakers.

Every time I wear them I'm like, "these things are fucking stupid, but also cool, and I look about a foot taller *shrugs*"

Hot Doom

@iceberg Those are way cute! I haven't bought a pair yet, because I am pretty sure I would have the same thought process as you, but I guess that means I should buy them.

cminor

@Hot Doom God I want a pair so badly! But they're too trendy and I can't justify the expense, and I hate cheap shoes. I'd prefer nothing over cheap shoes.

SockHopBop

Just wanted to send a big thank you to all the lovely 'Pinners who gave me job interview advice in last week's open thread. You were all so helpful--AND I made it to the next round! I'm 100 percent sure that your advice helped make a difference.

sophia_h

And oh! I totally forgot that in the next few weeks my sister is coming to visit...with her new 40 year old boyfriend. She's almost 27 (I'm going on 32), and he looks younger than 40, but that actually doesn't make things better because he's never been married, just got out of a relationship, and seems to be living life like he's still in his 20s, though he has a decent job. My sister is in grad school and, well, reasonably mature, but she still doesn't have a driver's license and kind of makes things work in life by cadging/trading favors (eg, she's couch-surfing with various people this visit because she doesn't get along with my mom, and I know I'll get hit up for rides/couch space), so I'm not sure that a guy who's still pretty unsettled at age 40 isn't the worst of both worlds.

Obviously I will say nothing, and it's her life, but I think this is going to be weird.

Edit: I forgot to say she can't stay at my dad's bc of the boyfriend (they're traditional like that, and also, hello total stranger), and she did hint she wanted to stay with us, and I was like "uh, baby on the way, no?"

frenz.lo

@sophia_h My one friend is this 40 year old dude who is still macking on 25 year olds, and I am like, "Ha ha ha, gross! Oh, it didn't work out? WEIRD." For him, he's a pretty stable guy, and it isn't so much that he's hounding after young p, (or so he claims,) but that he likes doing things like going out to shows, and everyone his own age is either already paired up, or is looking for someone to share their interests in NPR and gardening.

sophia_h

@frenz.lo I suspect that's this guy's deal, since he's a geek, and I have a very sweet guy friend who's 40 and never been married, so it doesn't make him a monster or anything. It's just my SISTER, you know?

This is my new username

Ahhh, you mean no Hairpin for TWO weekdays? Nooooooooooo! Darn Americans!

Kidding! Enjoy your long weekend!

Briony Fields

@This is my new username Right? I'm happy they all get a long weekend but....what are the rest of us supposed to do on the internet? *sob*

polka dots vs stripes

@Briony Fields There's some of us who get the worst of all worlds, no long weekend AND nothing new on the internet! *first world cries*

laurel

Ladies, why isn't there a movie about the Night Witches yet?

lobsterhug

@laurel What are Night Witches? That sounds like something for me.

lobsterhug

@laurel THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO BE MADE!!!

laurel

@lobsterhug It looks like there was a movie made in the USSR in the '80s--the trailer looks kind of great in a low budget/rah rah the motherland Soviet kind of way--but I'd like to see a Whedonesque full studio production.

Hot Doom

@laurel that's so hot. If not a movie, then definitely an all-women synth group

laurel

@Hot Doom OMGYES. Kind of like Kraftwerk only all girls and with giant projections of Soviet propaganda posters behind them. /drools.

Oh, look, there's a graphic novel. Do the see inside click through to see a few pages of the art.

Hot Doom

@laurel Love it! The band fantasy is even more real now. And Squad Mutt!

laurel

@Hot Doom I see our bandmates and us in big boots and leggings, cropped shearling jackets, leather helmets and goggles, standing all astride. I call keytar.

Squad Mutt! /wags tail

Hot Doom

@laurel Yes! MOOG ME!

laurel

@Hot Doom Or

Passion Fruit

I moved to a new city and got a new job in a new specialty to be close to my boyfriend. We broke up two weeks ago because he didn't want to get married. HA HA HA HA; joke's on me. I feel like an idiot. Any sympathetic words, 'Pinners? And any advice on how to move onwards and forwards, posthaste?

adorable-eggplant

@Passion Fruit Wash that dude right out of your hair! (I always get a goodbye dude haircut and/or radical change in color so that's also an option)

ETA: Also, hugs!

Briony Fields

@Passion Fruit Oh. NO. You poor thing, I want to hug you.

Let's find some positive to focus on. How is the city and the job? How long have you been there? Was it a good change, or did you give up a lot to move? How is your social support in this new city?

olivebee

@Passion Fruit I'm sorry! Hugs to you, and I hope you spend this holiday weekend with a fun friend doing fun things.

Passion Fruit

Thanks guys. Every bit of support and each internet hug helps.

@Briony Fields The city: Way better in most respects; just not very ethnically diverse. But overall, a plus move.

The work: Just OK. The co-workers are fairly difficult, the pay is lower than my previous city, and I'm on my feet for an exhausting amount of time. The company is going through a lot of layoffs, so I feel very insecure in my position as a newbie. So I guess that's a wash.

Social support: I've been going out every evening (when I don't have work the next day; I work 12 hour shifts and it's too exhausting) with mutual friends of ours, some childhood friends of mine, and I've been talking to my best friends and family on the phone a lot.

How do people make new friends in new cities? How do you stop the constant conversation you have in your head with your former partner? How do you know when it's really and truly over? How do you have hope that something else, something better will come along when you thought this was the best thing, realistically?

jazzloon

@Passion Fruit Jam to an ultimate break-up/boost of confidence playlist. "Ridin' Solo" and "Pretty Girl Rock" come to mind. Also, it's ok to cry.

Briony Fields

@Passion Fruit Ok, now we have a bit more info. How are the job prospects? If you're not happy in your current job, do you think it would be relatively easy to find something less stressful and better paying?

As for the rest of it, here's another hug. It's only been two weeks, right? After my last break up, I sobbed every day for like, 3 months. That feeling of "this was the best thing, nothing better will happen" is totally normal, and also really horrible. Sorry! I think very little heals that other than time. Just don't rush yourself back into the dating game, you will resent it. Eventually the feeling will return naturally. For what it's worth, six months after breaking up with the man I thought I would marry and was absolutely best for me, I met the *real* version of that and we are happily together. It was wretched at first though, that feeling that you will never love again is strong and, ugh.

As for new friends, if it's a big city you might want to try couchsurfing? A lot of people use it more or less as a social meetup site, you don't have to actually host OR surf but create a profile and people living in the same city have a lot of meetups and parties and stuff. I've met lots of people that way.

Passion Fruit

@Briony Fields Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely try couch surfing. And, may I ask, how did you meet your new partner?

I hate that getting over breakups takes time. It's like, "I don't want to spend any more time on this! It already took so much!" Ugh. I just hate the whole process of grieving a relationship. It sucks.

polka dots vs stripes

@Passion Fruit One thing you might try, which would kill two birds with one stone, is find a young-persons professional group. Whether you want to just meet young professionals in any field or find one specific to your field, you should look around and see what's available. I did this when I started out in a new city and I made professional connections (through the older mentors in the program I picked) and friends (through the younger mentees...although they're in my field as well, so future professional connections!)

I moved to a new city and got a new job in a new specialty for a guy, and while we're still together, I (still sometimes) had overwhelming "What would I do" thoughts - so I feel for you and I'm rooting for you.

If you're willing to tell us what city you're in, I'm sure 'pinners would be happy to make suggestions or have ideas!

frumious bandersnatch

@Passion Fruit I also hate that "ok I know this takes time but I am OVER IT can't I just fast forward?" But something that helps me a little when I'm just annoyed with that fact to think about this study I read once about how experiencing some sort of personal tragedy (like a tough breakup) tends to make you better at coping with future personal tragedies (up until a certain point if your life is all tragedy all the time, especially if you're a young person. Bummer/honest caveat). But for most people, it really is practice at being sad and getting over it! So it's not just this pointless grieving you have to go through, it's building your emotional maturity muscles for the future.

That being said, shit sux, sry. Read this breakup guide, which is over-the-top and superficial but great: http://www.imboycrazy.com/2009/09/tuesday-is-a-new-day/

Passion Fruit

@frumious bandersnatch "MASTURBATE TOO MUCH! FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR CAREER TAKING OFF, YOU’RE DREAMS COMING TRUE, OR JUST YOUR DREAM DUDE IN GENERAL!" I love it. Thanks for the link! And it's good to know that this is practice sad. Like, I am practicing how to be sad and take care of myself. Can I give myself an expiration date on how long I'm going to feel sad? Because the thought of it going on and on for months fills me with dread.

But, OMG, I really thought we were going to have babies together. I am so embarrassed to say it, but I thought we were. Like an idiot. We'd always swap cute kid stories and talk about kids all the time... God dammit.

frumious bandersnatch

@Passion Fruit So this is maybe a totally arbitrary date and it obviously varies from person to person and depends on how serious it was (maybe-babies is serious!), but I like to think/have observed in myself and my friends that three months is a pretty good short-term hurdle. It's a season! Not that you'll be over it after that, but you know you can handle a season of more intense pain and it's long enough that after that you can look forward to less-frequent/less-intense pain. You'll be sad for a long time, no sugar-coating. But three months of wallowing while simultaneously aggressively taking care of yourself and taking steps to be happier (this is important, because that ALSO feels like an exhausting thing you can't necessarily continue indefinitely)... that's doable.

Briony Fields

@Passion Fruit Yeah, that sucks big time. I hated wasting time grieving for someone who broke my heart, but there was nothing else to do. Also awful: missing someone who treated you terribly. Logical you knows it's best that it's over, emotional you just wants him to caaaaaaaall. Worst!

I met my new partner when I enrolled in a continuing education type of course, and he was in it. It took a few months before I warmed up to him because I started the course only 2 months post break-up and was still feeling horrible. But then I developed a tiny crush, and it made everything SO MUCH BETTER to know that I was capable of meeting and liking people still. Then it turned out he was crushing on me too, and voila!

Passion Fruit

@frumious bandersnatch This sounds perfect. PERFECT. It will be my three month project.

I just feel whiny and guilty for feeling mopey, sad and weepy about it. I am just so bummed, man. So, so disappointed. I don't feel crazy sad, which is good, I think it indicates that I have both feet under me and firmly planted on the ground, so to speak. But I just feel achey inside all the time. Ugh.

But three months! I can handle three months. I'll be referencing this thread often. Thanks. <3

Passion Fruit

@Briony Fields What a cute story! I'm happy for you guys. :) What made this relationship/this person the "real" version of your dream partner? Do you feel like your last relationship benefited you and helped prepare you for this one? I don't often feel that way, I'm like "THEY ALL SUCKED, THEN THEY WERE DONE," but I'm wondering if I should change my perspective a little bit.

frumious bandersnatch

@Passion Fruit And sometimes you'll be crazy sad too, and that's ok! Treat yourself like you would a good friend: supportive of the healing process and recognizing it takes time and things are complicated, but not tolerating *too* much indulgent self-pity/lack of getting out in the world.

angelinha

@Passion Fruit Remember, too, that 3 months/1 season of sadness doesn't mean that you have to be sad every minute of those 3 months. (You can be if you want!) I remember feeling very overwhelmed at the beginning of a breakup, like, 3 months?? I cannot fathom being this sad for that long. Looking back I realize that I still got to have happy days/moments in there that kept it from being totally overwhelming. You will be OK :)

Briony Fields

@Passion Fruit Whoops, never replied to this. Better late than never!

My previous relationship did help me in a lot of ways, mostly because it was such a lesson in what I DIDN'T want. I was able to tweak my expectations/desire in a partner. Also, this is my own personal thing, but it was also the catalyst in getting me into therapy and trying to figure out why I hadn't been able to have a functional relationship. That was the most helpful part. My partner has very little in common with my ex, but he is the "real" version of the old one in that he is *actually* supportive and kind and loving, you know?

polka dots vs stripes

I feel like I am so late to all the Hairpin parties because The Old Reader just updates whenever it feels like and not when any of my websites have new posts. I like TOR because it looked enough like Google Reader (feedly was too visual), but this is starting to get ridiculous.

Any other suggestions I can try out....while I sit at work on Friday? (anyone else's employer only giving them Thursday off? ugh)

meetapossum

@polka dots vs stripes OMG. We are in the same boat. I hated Feedly and like the way TOR is set up, but it's slow as hell.

Quinn A@twitter

@polka dots vs stripes Do you have Twitter? The Hairpin Twitter feed updates pretty much the minute the 'Pin does. It's not the same, of course, but at least if you've got Twitter open you'll get the Hairpin posts immediately.

polka dots vs stripes

@Quinn A@twitter I do, but I follow a lot of news sites and I don't check it regularly enough on my phone to catch everything during the day (work blocks it). It's not just The Hairpin, unfortunately, although that feed is one of the worst for some reason; it's just about everything.

Briony Fields

So, a few weeks ago I reached into a pocket in my backpack and ended up with a handful of condoms. Condoms! I was surprised, because I have been in a monogamous relationship for some years now and we just keep condoms at home, I never carry them anymore.

Then today, I reached into another pocket and, condoms! Again! Like, five more condoms! They can't be leftover from previous bedhopping days, because my relationship is older than my backpack. I've never lent it to anyone, and I cleaned it out entirely a few months ago...where are these mystery condoms coming from? Is there such thing as a condom fairy?

SarcasticFringehead

@Briony Fields I feel like between this and @Hot Doom's sandwich, we're being haunted by some really weird ghosts right now.

Briony Fields

@SarcasticFringehead A ghost who got laid and needed a snack afterwards, clearly.

olivebee

@Briony Fields Is your SO (or someone else?) playing a prank on you? I prefer the ghost theory, though.

RK Fire

@olivebee

Ghost: wooooooo.... remember kids, safe sex! wooooooooo...

Hot Doom

@Briony Fields hahaha this is the weirdest. I have to hand it to them, our fairy/ghost friends are both whimsical and practical.

SarcasticFringehead

@Briony Fields Well, I like that idea better than a ghost who is passive-aggresively trying to say something about carbs and safe sex.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Briony Fields Oh my god, condom fairy would be SO CLUTCH. Why isn't there a condom fairy?

Briony Fields

@SarcasticFringehead "Put down the bread, put on some lipstick and go have some fun, girl! Boo."

angelinha

@Briony Fields "My relationship is older than my backpack." Love it! And spooky :)

angelinha

@Briony Fields Here is one theory that may/may not apply to you - where do you bring your backpack/are you in school? Is there someone in your program who has a crush on you, and wants to break up you and your partner by hoping that your partner will find the condoms and think that you are taking them with you to have sex with someone who is not him, and break up with you, so then that person can be with you instead?

Briony Fields

@angelinha I am laughing at how devious this is! I don't go to school, I bring my backpack to work but it's rarely out of my sight. But who knows, maybe a coworker is trying to sabotage my relationship? I should leave a note for my secret admirer where the condoms were....ask him/her to meet me behind the office for a rendez-vous and see if anyone shows up.

SeaMoney

I am preparing to move to College Station, Texas to attend Texas A&M for a PhD in Oceanography. I am wondering if there are any College Station 'Pinners? I am excited about going to school again and starting my research and science! I have only ever lived in Boston and Portland OR.

I am starting to stress about logistics like buying a bed and moving all of my stuff but I also am a little worried about the change in culture?

Passion Fruit

@SeaMoney Oooohhhh, girl. I don't mean to give you the heebie jeebies preemptively, but Boston/Portland --> College Station? There's going to be some mighty culture shock going on. I don't know, I've only visited, I never went to school there, but A&M seems to be Texas' conservative state school.

I guess embrace the culture shock and don't worry about the moving details. Those always get sorted out with help from our good friend Craig(slist) and his Swedish partner, IKEA. (Unf, this joke is quite a reach, but you get it.) Since you're there for a PhD, I'm sure you'll meet other people from all over the country, who've also lived in more diverse cities.

And finally, oceanography?! Dang. Tell me about your studies, I am so curious.

adorable-eggplant

@Passion Fruit Visit Austin often! And remember the mantra "Blueberry in the tomato soup." Also, enjoy the good things: cheap beer, barbeque, and trips to Houston (which is a baller city that I've only recently come to appreciate as much as I do now).

ETA: And Houston is the most diverse metropolitan area in the nation! Squeaking past New York in 2010 http://kinder.rice.edu/uploadedFiles/Urban_Research_Center/Media/Houston%20Region%20Grows%20More%20Ethnically%20Diverse%202-13.pdf (according to this study from Rice university... grain of salt?)

ETAA: But they do point out how segregated it is, so maybe there's not too much bias? (although dang! It's got a better dissimilarity score than Boston and New York as far: http://www.businessinsider.com/most-segregated-cities-census-maps-2013-4?op=1 [runs from least to greatest for suspense reasons?])

adorable-eggplant

@SeaMoney Sorry, demography is my secret passion. Basically, hit up Houston for all your big city needs.

Passion Fruit

@adorable-eggplant Tell me more about Houston! I'd love to plan a trip there.

SeaMoney

@adorable-eggplant I actually visited Houston when I went on a prospective student visit to Rice, and it did seem like a place I could have lived. (The group I would have worked with there ended up not having money to take me on, alas! At least I got a free trip to Houston out of the deal.) I am actually sort of worried about the cheap beer situation because I am an aspiring Portland beer snob!

@Passion Fruit My undergraduate degree is in Earth Sciences. I am going to begin studying the geochemistry of the sediment on the bottom of the ocean. We like to think about things like past ocean circulation patterns, and past climates.

Mel_not_Missy

@SeaMoney I went to A&M for grad school 2008-2010! I'm from Tennessee, so I was familiar with the conservative Southern aspect, but I got my bachelor's at a small women's college in New England and lived in Germany and DC for a few years before grad school, so there was still some culture shock for me. Also, Texas is WEIRD.

However, I had a great experience! Being a grad student at A&M is also quite different from being an undergrad there. It's easier to pick and choose what parts of the Aggie experience you're interested in. I'm super liberal and feminist, but got on fine with most people. Plus, you're going to be so damn busy with studying (and cursing that the library isn't open longer hours).

For logistics, there's a crappy mall and a Target and Walmart. I'm sure there's more, but I didn't have a car, so I relied on my parents and my roommate for help setting up my apartment. I bought my mattress from a store in College Station, and most of my other furniture from Ikea in Houston.

I'd be happy to talk to you by email if you have questions!

mooseketeer

@SeaMoney hey that's what I got my PhD in! but from UC Santa Barbara. I think you'll be fine, make friends with grad students and try to get out of town as much as possible.

smidge

You guys! Egypt! What the heck is going on in Egypt??

meetapossum

@smidge Do you have Tumblr? Fursa Sa'ida is a Pinner living in Egypt and her updates have been really enlightening for me. (I can't remember her Pin name!)

lalaura

@smidge This article is great:
http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2013/07/2013729734119335.html

cminor

@smidge The Vlogbrother Hank Green posted a video today with a very good description.

I'd watch it, it helped me a lot.

meetapossum

Oh, actually, I have a for real serious question! My cousin texted me last week to let me know our youngest girl cousin is pregnant. I am...not happy about this, even though it's obviously none of my business. However, she is notoriously irresponsible and really bad at keeping in touch with us (and then whines that we never include her). She works at Trader Joe's and just moved in with the father (before she got pregnant), and they've only been together maaaaybe 6 months? She's 24.

Obviously I love her and I will love the baby when it comes, but I am having such a HARD TIME not feeling really judge-y about this. (Also, full disclosure: She's had an abortion before and told the cousins about it. I have also had an abortion but did not tell my cousins. So I am just sort of confused why she's taking this path.) Guh, how can I best be supportive without coming off as too judgmental?

polka dots vs stripes

@meetapossum I am in a similar situation, actually, although my cousin 22, her husband is 20 (!!), they got married immediately after they met at boot camp, oy vey.

It helps that I am not particularly close to this cousin, but I think the easiest thing to do is support your cousin like any other friend or family member you'd be excited for. Feeling judgy and acting judgy are two different things. Bury your feelings and put on a smile when you need to, and then go get a drink with a friend and complain all you want over beers after the shower, christening, after you buy a gift, what have you.

I, personally, would be supportive without being over the top (practical yet in-my-budget gift, probablyyy no offers to babysit, generally limited interaction, etc), but your family dynamics may vary.

flimflannery

@meetapossum Feel judgy! Get it all out there and then get over it. And then do whatever cousin baby crap you have to do (including attending the shower/buying a gift).

RK Fire

Guys, despite the Hairpin article about Candy Crush Saga, I downloaded it anyway and I'm just a little addicted. Not enough to pay for anything, but I have finished through Episode 3 and now I need to defeat little side quests to unlock more. In the meantime I'm trying to get three stars on everything and I just discovered the Wonder of Double Sprinkled Donut Power.

!!!

Briony Fields

@RK Fire I had to look up that post earlier this week because I was stuck on a horrible level and I needed to commiserate. Sure enough...it was level 29. Although I find the 5 game limit a blessing rather than a curse.

RK Fire

@Briony Fields As do I! It forces me to get up and do something productive, like put away my laundry.

pajamaralls

@RK Fire Someone on my Facebook has apparently spent $40 on Candy Crush to which someone replied "Forty real dollars?!"

discombobulated

@RK Fire I discovered Candy Crush Saga this week too! I'm at the same place as you -- finished level 35, playing quests to get to the next thing. How annoying.

meetapossum

@pajamaralls That's forty BEER dollars!

seaview

@RK Fire I am cursing the Hairpin for introducing me to this. And even worse, for telling me how to cheat my turning the time on my phone forward. Now I am playing level 70something 3 days in the future. Compulsively.

Lurkasaurus

This week marks a year of unemployment for me. I...I am having such a hard time with this. A large part of it is my fault for not really knowing where to go after my tiny company in an almost-nonexistent field closed down, but a large part of it is not, because my experience and passions don't really seem to fit ANY job that's out there. I apply anyway, but based on what my recruiter friends tell me about what matters to them I am probably not even getting through the initial screenings. I haven't had an interview in months. My friend group and boyfriend, who are pretty much all some flavor of software engineer/tech, instantly found work after school and are drowning in unwanted job opportunities that they enjoy joking about. They're sympathetic, but they cannot even begin to understand what this is like for me. And I am sick of feeling like a worse and worse failure, in their eyes and my own, as the months drag on. I feel so stuck, and so ashamed, and so, so alone.

Is there anyone else out there who's been here? How did you keep up hope and keep going? How did you eventually get out of it? If you're still in it, would you like to have a beer and a sob with me?

jazzloon

@Lurkasaurus I can't offer you any advice, but I am so, so sorry. Please keep your head up. Many internet hugs to you.

Passion Fruit

@jazzloon I also don't have any advice, but I went through a five month period of unemployment and almost lost my fucking mind. I totally sympathize. You're not a failure though, this is an incredibly tough job market and even "filler" jobs aren't readily available anymore. (And god help me, if only I had known to go into computers. Oh well.)

Hot Doom

@Lurkasaurus I don't really have much advice to offer, other than what you've probably already been doing, which I imagine involves lots of searching for jobs, and lots of applications. I was unemployed for about 7 months, and I finally got a job in a customer service position, which is pretty far from what I got my MA in. Prior to getting this job (which I am pretty happy with for the moment, if only as a paid break from doing soul-crushing applications in my glutted field of choice), I was searching job boards for my area, and trying to stay in touch with people where I had interned in case any jobs came up. It is so hard, and so lonely. I am really sorry you are going through this, but you *can* make it out. You had a job before, you are employable, you can do it again.

What sort of jobs are you applying for? I mean, are they sort of in your area, or is it anything that will get you a paycheck for now? Have you been in contact with people from your old job? Have they found positions, and if so, where? Can they keep an eye out for you, or can you keep in touch with them, either for networking, or for commiseration? Is there anything you can be doing while you look for a job, such as volunteering (I know, it doesn't pay the bills, and free labor is shit, but it does work as a space-filler) or work at a conference in your field where you get to meet lots of people in similar or peripheral fields to yours? I haven't done it yet, but one thing I have been considering is starting a blog that covers my particular interests and strengths in my field of study (and where I'd like to work) and sharing it with my alumnae network and facebook.

The other thing you may have already thought about is if you really want to stay in your field or if you would be happy doing something a little different (but perhaps still related). Think hard about what your strengths are, what you're good at, from the mundane (communicates effectively, verbally and written, experienced with excel, really good at team work) to your specialty, and think about how you can apply those skills to other areas you may have overlooked for jobs. Ask your friends, partner, former colleagues about this too, because sometimes other people can point out what you don't notice.

For me, one of the biggest things to boost my morale was to feel needed for something, even if it was just a once a month volunteering gig at a place where I'd like to be employed. I still haven't gotten a job there, but I at least feel connected and like I have some worth, even if it's just a free day of mine to help with something.

I hope some of this helps, or at least as a reminder that you're not alone. It is scary and demoralizing sometimes, but you are not worthless, and you will find something eventually. Major internet hugs to you!

ETA: HA, and I said I didn't have much to say. Apologies for length! :3

Lurkasaurus

@Passion Fruit Yeah, I wanted to help people instead of polishing up Instafacetweet for Cats to get acquihired. Fuck me, right? -.- A lot of tech people are doing important, valuable things, and I try so hard not to become bitter and jaded, but I could rant for YEARS about Silicon Valley's values/priorities and the fucked-upness thereof.

Passion Fruit

@Lurkasaurus Good god, yes. It seems like they sell entertainment, first and foremost. And I'm like, that's nice. I love a good tweet every now and then. But is it as needed, as say, hands-on healthcare? And then I start internally ranting about nursing and how it's highly skilled work that is seriously underpaid/undervalued because, surprise, it's predominantly made up of women! Ugh. I can't even begin.

Lurkasaurus

@Hot Doom Oh goodness, thank you so much for this. I couldn't even face all the things I should or could be doing, and now I have a list of them. Depression and anxiety are major, major barriers for me that I need to address, but seriously, just having a roadmap of specific things I know I can work on is SO helpful. Saving this :)

Mae
Mae

@Passion Fruit This reminds me of an article I read saying that most recently lauded tech innovations are remarkably adept at solving the problems of the affluent, urban 20 somethings who work in tech.*

*BARF

Passion Fruit

@Mae Ha. Every time I read about some new app, I'm like, "Yay, if technology has advanced this far, this must mean everyone finally has access to clean drinking wat-- wait. Nope. Nope. This app just means there's another app."

Lurkasaurus

@Mae I know, right?! The tunnel-vision is astounding.

Hot Doom

@Lurkasaurus Dude, this is what FOT is for!

Like you say, having a roadmap with specific things to think about can be helpful, and addressing them one at a time can be satisfying and can keep things from getting overwhelming. I also had problems with anxiety and depression, from my hormones acting up and, obviously, the issues that come with unemployment. Personally, I got a pill that helped with panic attacks and got my hormones adjusted, which helped a lot. That's neither here nor there, but I'd agree, the sooner you can address the depression, the better!

In the mean time, have people look at your resume, use the same stupid buzz words in your personal statement that the job posting uses, etc. Also, in case you haven't already, comb through your city council's website for jobs. I was surprised at the kind of positions that are available through city and local gov't sites and that's how I found my current position, which involves working and talking with children and adults, which is something I enjoy and probably wouldn't have done a lot of in my main field of study. Another thought for finding a community in your field is looking for an old-fashioned web message board or listserve to subscribe to for jobs, or general discussion in your field (also good for finding out about those conferences/networking events/call for publications).

SO, again, apologies for length, but do keep us updated with the ups and downs of the search! You can do it!

Bambi

@Lurkasaurus I was unemployed for 18 months and had 0 interviews the entire time until my now job called me up, so I totally 100% understand where you are at.

My advice - you have to do something to add to your resume, so volunteer. See if there are any unpaid internships you can. Also, and this really helped me, take a look at your last job and see what you liked about it. Take the industry you were in out of the equation and boil it down to a skill set. You liked meeting new people, analyzing data, doing something creative, etc. And then, once you have your list, start your job search with your list, rather than with your skill set. Write your resume and cover letters to highlight those features that you were really good at and want to feature in your new job.

You aren't a failure. The market is really tough. But you will find a job, perhaps in a completely new field (like me).

Also, network, network, network. Get on LinkedIn. See if anyone in your network knows someone at one of the places you want to apply and see if they'll introduce you to their friend there. If you want to do something slightly different, reach out to someone doing that job and ask them to go to lunch with you to discuss what they do. It's really hard to do, but it works.

Hang in there! It's a tough world, especially if you don't have a job, but you will find one. You will.

pajamaralls

I've known for a bit that one of my best friends was moving halfway across the country, but I'm still bummed. Mostly because they've lived a few hours away from me since we graduated and I've been job-less and car-less all this time. So we've seen each other a handful of times.

Despite my overwhelming happiness for them/pride in them for going to grad school, I can't help but be sad because going from seeing someone all the damn time to maybe 6 times over the course of two years sucks.

Buh. I needed to vent.

PennyCentury

@pajamaralls I'm sorry, dude. My bff/brother/roommate did this last summer and it sort of killed my summer. That totally sucks and don't beat yourself up for feeling resentful or pouty or all of the feelings. It is really hard.

On the other hand I'm probably going to get a phone date with him tonight, which is always a highlight! best of luck to you!

pajamaralls

@PennyCentury Thanks.

I hope your phone date kicked ass!

Faintly Macabre

So my dog has been very lazy and mopey lately, I think from a mixture of heat and old age. I tried to give him a baby carrot, which he usually loves, but he turned his snout away. I left it by him and went out of the room for a few minutes. When I came back, he was taking a nap on top of the carrot.

eleventyone

@Faintly Macabre My dog has been like this too! What is up with them? We gave ours a bath,wrapped him in a towel like a burrito, and put him down for a few minutes. Came back and he was sleeping, burrito fully intact.

angelinha

@Faintly Macabre I have thought my cat escaped multiple times this summer, when really she's just been curled up in a corner asleep or splayed out somewhere trying to cool down. Hot weather is tough for animals!

Chel

My boss's boss just asked me if I have a problem working with gay people. I don't (I am gay but not out at work) so of course I said no, no problem. It turns out there is a potential client who is gay and my boss, who is usually the client contact person in our department, does have a problem. I knew he was super conservative and religious and its more visibility for me, but it’s really pissing me off. Fortunately I’m off until Tuesday so maybe by then I will not want to throw heavy books at his head.

Passion Fruit

@Chel Whoa dude, that IS AWFUL. Shit. Blatant discrimination right there. Is this a new job? Make a note of it, for real.

adorable-eggplant

@Chel UGH. That guy is despicable.

polka dots vs stripes

@Chel GAHHHH I am always shocked that there are people out there who are not okay with gay people. That is awful awful awful.

olivebee

@Chel That is horrible. Your boss is a shitty person, and I hope you end up having a great client relationship with that potential client.

garli

@Chel Oh that is so very gross. I'm sorry you have to work with that bs.

Chel

@Passion Fruit No, it’s not a new job, I’ve actually been here over five years. He has been here longer but hasn’t been the department head for all of that time. I knew he was very politically conservative, we work in finance so that’s not unusual, but I’ve mostly trained him out of trying to talk about politics with me and trained myself to ignore him when he’s talking to others. He’s usually a very nice person but he just occasionally makes remarks that cause me to pause and think – wow, you’re an asshole.

I think that he is acting out in response to the world generally becoming more progressive than he would like by being more outspoken (gay jokes and racist comments) and doesn’t realize that it’s going to affect him professionally. He doesn’t seem to have aspirations beyond where he is and it doesn’t occur to him that management might not agree with his views or might care more about the bottom line than about catering to him. This is the first time it has directly affected his job and I don’t see his boss tolerating for long it we have to shuffle a lot of processes around because he can’t be trusted not to alienate clients.

I think I only have a year or so left here before it is time to move on, so I can handle it in the meantime. I was actually planning on coming out since Phoenix has added orientation to the city non-discrimination laws. I’m due for my annual review next month, so I think I will wait until that’s done and come out just to make him uncomfortable. I’m feeling a bit vindictive. But not enough to jeopardize my review even though he wouldn’t be able to justify anything.

Passion Fruit

@Chel Wow. He sounds like a real piece of work.

FWIW, I support all acts of office vengeance that don't jeopardize your safety, financially or emotionally.

supernintendochalmers

@Chel I'm sorry that you have to deal with this douche. This is why protected class laws are so important. I think it's great, though, that your company is smart enough to view a discriminatory employee as a liability.

theotherginger

@Chel this sounds like a really bad situation, but you seem to be quite smart about it. internet hugs/stiff drinks until after your review.

katiemcgillicuddy

SPORTSSSSSSS (and other things)

Fuck, super early FOT!

It has been...a long week. So I will be quick, and delight in any responses I get:

(For anyone who was keeping score, my brother is still safe and is somehow not in jail- also he is still very upset over Fed's 2nd round loss, he spent today rooting against Andy Murray. Any time someone other than Roger wins he gets upset, because, he's a jackass, but anyway. He's been sober for about 5 days. So, hey, that's a start.)

Dwight Howard, I would never sign you. Good luck, Houston (so it seems, anyway).

Finally, people are starting to shut up about "The Patriot Way". Seems like the Pats knew Aaron Hernandez was real trouble and didn't care. The Patriot Way. (This is a shot at sports in general, not just a shot at you Pats fans, I just get sick of hearing shit like that, when we all know it's bullshit.)

Bryce Harper hit a homer in his first at-bat back because, HE IS AWESOME, YEAH HE IS.

Discuss.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@katiemcgillicuddy when will people just realize that most NFL players have done bad things and that our appreciation for them usually can't go anywhere past the field?

I have no idea what to think about this Dwight Howard free agency. Or about Vincent Lecavalier's ever-so-short free agency (coupled with his making of so much money.)
Or did Kevin Garnett really get traded?

Oh and happy birthday, Teemu Selanne!!

zamboni

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEEMU *"Forever Young" plays*

@katiemcgillicuddy Bryce Harper: not fucking around!!
Brad Stevens left Butler to coach the Celtics! Holy shit! <3 U Brad Stevens.

katiemcgillicuddy

@zamboni The Brad Stevens hiring! So awesome, I think it's a great move. Well played, Ainge, well played indeed.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) The Howard shit, I get wanting him talent-wise, but man, he is so indecisive. Show a little loyalty, dude, you only have so long in this league. I'd never want that around my team.

Bittersweet

@katiemcgillicuddy Is it good? I know nothing about this Stevens guy, and it's making me a little anxious, especially coming on top of the end of 34 and 5. *sniff*

katiemcgillicuddy

@Bittersweet Yes! For my money? Best college coach out there. I think this will work out for you guys really well!

redheaded&crazy

@katiemcgillicuddy wait! sports! what I want to say about sports is ... this whole NHL trading drafting free agenting thing is stressing me OUT!

I don't want any of my favourite players to go to other teams or be relegated to backup goalie, and since my favourites are not really contingent on any particular skill set other than how cute their foreheads are when they get interviewed (dionnnnnn) um, I foresee my whole future life going badly from here on out.

zamboni

@Bittersweet He is a really great coach. No idea if it will translate at the NBA level, but if it works out, the Celtics will look like the only team smart enough to get there first.

@redheaded&crazy You'll always have the postgame/morning skate/etc interviews on team NHL.com sites (hahahahahahaha Dion though). (I actually hate his face a lot, but they would be very stupid to trade him.)

redheaded&crazy

@zamboni oh I know! I think my neanderthal boyfriend is safe, thankfully. I have more embarrassing favourites that I shall keep to myself but if they trade gardiner for somebody less adorable I WILL CUT SOMEBODY.

redheaded&crazy

@zamboni DO YOU SEE! DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS. okay I actually have no love for grabovski. hopefully this means bozak is staying! Yeah just gonna occupy this sports thread all day, don't mind me.

zamboni

@redheaded&crazy They definitely shouldn't trade Gardiner either except as part of some crazy blockbuster deal but this Grabbo thing is actually the fucking worst. :( These kinds of constant clown shoes decisions are why I feel good about forswearing the blue and white. Also I know he has nice hair but Tyler Bozak is super useless and the Leafs should let someone else overpay him. But their management is stupid beyond all imagining, so don't worry, you will get all the Bozie you can handle!

redheaded&crazy

@zamboni ugh comments like this which imply I'm stupid are like, why I should never get involved in sports convos. FERGET IT.

zamboni

@redheaded&crazy "since my favourites are not really contingent on any particular skill set other than how cute their foreheads are when they get interviewed" <-- I saw that as an admission you were pretty impulsive about who your favourite players were! In the manner of giving your fucks elsewhere, and knowing it, which is absolutely different than being stupid.
Anyway, sorry to make you feel unwelcome. You are for sure way smarter than Dave Nonis.

frumious bandersnatch

Being a Better Version of Me Check-In

Well shit's all crazy because this is a WOT instead of a FOT and so we haven't had a whole week and I chose the worst time to start this and ugh. But I'll put it up anyway. (Telling internet strangers - surprisingly motivating!)

Longterm, I basically want to be living healthily and keeping my room in a state where I'm fine with having spontaneous visitors. Using this space as a place to list specific projects to complete and steps to form habits, bit by bit. There are some mental health reasons as well as general self-improvement desires.

My goals last week were to:
-sweatin' exercise twice, deep stretch/yoga once [CHECK]
-go to bed by 11:30 every night [NOPE]
-read for pleasure at least an hour [NOT YET, BUT WILL]
-spend 3 hours tidying [UGGHHH, yes I will do this Friday]

So I'm really happy with the exercising, even if other things sort of fell off.

Next week:
-keep on keeping on with the exercise
-seriously get on the regular sleep schedule (bed by 11:30, up by 7:30 or whenever my body wakes up)
-finish my room art project! (this will take a while)

What do YOU want to do? How'd you do this week so far?

Four day weekend <3<3 time for socializing, introverting, AND chore-ing I'm so thrilled.

adorable-eggplant

@frumious bandersnatch MIDWEEK CHECK! The pin keeps you on your toes. ;) Congrats on doing that yoga stretch!

Also, as a really messy person who wants to mend her ways, may I recommend the 15/20 method, where in you do some task for 15 minutes and then take a 20 minute break (the official version might have less break, but eff that) and then do another 15 minutes. Also! I do well with very specific tasks that are manageable in scope: empty waste basket, pick up every article of clothing on the floor and put it in the washing machine, throw out junk in this drawer (this can get bogged down by the 'what is junk?' conundrum, but I can usually push through). Good luck!!

ETA: the breaks can be combined with pleasure reading or a simple yoga stretch (child's pose to get more energy to tackle the 'what is junk?' conundrum, for example).

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@adorable-eggplant I don't remember what my goals were exactly but I'll check on that and be back to report on how I did. (I think one of my goals was "don't skip the gym" which I did, but I got in a good bit of walking on Sunday and Monday and a whole lotta dancing yesterday, so that counts for something, right?

And with next week's goals, too!

SmartCookie

@frumious bandersnatch Have you checked out Unfuck Your Habitat? It's great for cleaning. The gist is no marathons, always unfuck your mornings the night before, and do 20 minutes of cleaning with a 10 minute break.

My last week goals:
No caffeine- major fail
Eat breakfast- check
Screens off at 10- check

I love love love the screens off at 10 rule. I've been sleeping so much better, highly recommended. I'm out of town for most of next week so I'm just going to keep on keeping on. If anyone has tips for getting rid of caffeine I would love to hear them.

frumious bandersnatch

@SmartCookie and @adorable eggplant HA it's pretty incredible how sharp you pinners are. Being tidier and keeping my habitat unfucked is definitely the thing I feel most psychic exhaustion about. (Room tidy. I'm good at keeping kitchen/common areas clean-ish.) I've seen Unfuck Your Habitat, but keep thinking "god I really just need to do a big clean and reorganize before I start on the maintenance!" Which is self-defeating, ugh. Ok ok I'll stop pretending it's not a big deal that is scaring me.

Re: caffeine. I've never dealt with kicking a serious addiction, but when I've relied on coffee too much I've switched to tea to replace the ritual, focused on how much I love not being dependent and having it as an indulgence or last result, and made a strict "no heavily caffeinated drink for two weeks" rule. But obviously that doesn't help if you need help adhering to that rule. (It would go along with "ok I can make the time to sleep really well for just two weeks" and prioritizing that, which helps.)

Good job though, SmartCookie! Those sound like great improvements.

zamboni

@frumious bandersnatch Yo, I don't have my goals sorted out well enough to do this yet, but I was happy to see you start doing this last week and hope to join in soon! Good for you in this half-week! And man, that "keeping my room in a state where I'm fine with having spontaneous visitors" goal is hitting a little bit close to home.

frumious bandersnatch

@zamboni Yeahhh I've realized some of my introversion is, if I'm being honest, feeling like I shouldn't hang out with people until things are a little more sorted and not wanting anyone to come over so begging out entirely. Being by myself is great! But it's better when it's actual productive time enjoying my environment, not moping with clothes on the floor.

Part of the reason I'm doing this was the whole "all my goals sorted out" was too tough, so I figured bullet points as the spirit moved me would be better haha

zamboni

@frumious bandersnatch I feel that. I'm just at the "change everything because it all sucks!" stage so still need to break it down into Small Things I Can Actually Do. Plus I may be travelling all next week so not a great time to change any routine stuff or start exercising, etc.

ach_so

@frumious bandersnatch Last week you reminded me that I needed to tidy my apartment, which I did over the weekend. I also wanted to choose books over the internet more often, which I did, but that will be an ongoing goal for the summer.

For the next week, I want to run a few times despite the heat, and eat better, including no dairy.

missupright

@frumious bandersnatch I'm getting in on this thread to try and be better at 1. Tidier flat 2. No caffeine 3. No screens after 10. 4. Cooking every night. When I do them, they make my life a thousand times better. I WILL I CAN I WILL.

lobsterhug

@frumious bandersnatch I saw this last week at work but forgot to go back and comment once I got home.

1. Follow better eating plan - I'm doing this about 80-90%. I make breakfast, bring my lunch to work, but dinners have been kind of all over the place
2. Move more - I moved to a new apartment and have opportunities for more walking as part of my commute. I could add more walking, but I'm getting in more than before so yay!
3. Unfuck the habitat - I've been taking this in stages because of the move. I make the bed everyday, which is a huge help mentally. I just bought a new dresser so I have to do laundry and load it up with clothes. I also have a sink full of dishes that can't go in the dishwasher. And a dishwasher of clean dishes that need to be put away. I found that cleaning while I wait for dinner to cook helps immensely. It's just a matter of putting down Candy Crush or my book.

Goals for next week: Follow eating plan 100%, get the clothes situation sorted, do the dishes every day.

MissJudgeMental

@frumious bandersnatch yay you! I mostly went to bed earlier, my clothes are mostly on my floor, though, but, I still feel great. Next week, clothes off floor, stay chilled (I'm the boss at the moment so it's exciting but an effort).

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@MissJudgeMental Okay I went back and checked my goals:

-Exercise (does dancing at concerts count? Because an hour or more of dancing should count)
-Actually feel like doing things - I guess this counts as waking up every morning excited for the out-of-the-ordinary fun stuff I had to do
-Be honest with someone: I unloaded a bunch of stuff on my best friend (in a good way!) and it felt good to have someone to talk to.

This week:
-Cleaning.
-Watch my spending!

discombobulated

July 4th will be a Big-Ass Food Project holiday for me and my boyfriend. This time: pulled pork! We bought some wood chips and a shoulder roast and I made a rub that will hopefully be delicious. So excited. His parents are coming over; mine are out of the country, but that's okay; they're vegetarians and couldn't eat it anyway.

Also: blueberry cobbler from scratch, German potato salad, and grilled corn on the cob.

What festive food is everyone making/looking forward to?@discombobulated Burgers! Also, maybe a cake shaped like a hamburger.

adorable-eggplant

@discombobulated Burgers! Also, maybe a cake shaped like a hamburger.

discombobulated

@adorable-eggplant Yay, burgers! You know what's really fun? Learning to flip burgers dexterously on a grill. I know almost anyone can do it, but I'm just getting the hang of the motions and I feel so cool when I get it right.

(Your comment accidentally ended up as part of mine when I edited, and now I can't edit it back out. Sorry!)

adorable-eggplant

@discombobulated Yes, it's like the pancake flip of the outdoors!

Lurkasaurus

@discombobulated Buffalo burgers! Also, MMM yes grilled corn that ish is amazing. Hadn't formalized that as part of the BBQ yet but now I won't forget it.

stonefruit

@discombobulated Raspberry jam! Second year in a row of making it on July 4th, so I think I'm calling that a tradition.

Clara Morena

Tomorrow, I am volunteering for an event at my work and I BETTER not hear this phrase from my coworkers
"OH Clara you look beautiful , I didn't even recognize you."

Dirty Hands

@ clara morena What makes you unrecognizable today?

Clara Morena

@Dirty Hands To give you context, I usually work wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Then what made me "unrecognizable" was that I was wearing a nice skirt and heels and I curled me hair.

4and20blkbirds

So frustrated with the bureaucracy of my job. I'm in a seasonal position. I still get vacation and sick time - but I only accrue that time if I work 40 hours every week in the calendar month. I didn't know this until today. The day off I took for my doctor's appointment means I don't get any leave time accrual for June, when I could've just switched my days off for that week. My supervisor didn't know either and she feels bad about it, which I appreciate, but it doesn't really help me. And now if something comes up and I need to take a day off in July, I have no leave time available so that day off would prevent me from accruing time again. It all feels really unfair.

harebell

@4and20blkbirds

Argh, that seems arbitrary and not particularly fair.

plumb-bob

Got one side of my head clippered this week - it looks awesome :)

Dirty Hands

@plumb-bob Woot woot!

planforamiracle

@plumb-bob yayyyy! I did it pretty recently too and am very happy with my decision.

plumb-bob

@planforamiracle I was inspired to do it after my friend had hers clippered, but now I feel like we can never be in the same room with our matching haircuts. Fortunately she lives in another country :)

Kikimora

WHOA I forgot there would be an open thread! Woo!

I may need a little advice here, though. Mr. Kikimora's sister, husband, and two kids are staying with us next week for one night. She is normally super scheduled and has a strict itinerary, so I was kinda shocked to only hear of their plans a week or so ago. They didn't ask, either. That is all we've heard, too. I am freaking out. I have been very under the weather with a big health flare up, and the man has been writing, writing, and writing for grad school. Our apt is looking ROUGH. The sister is seriously, seriously judgey. Not to mention that it is not child safe, and I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of a toddler sleeping in any given room that has breakable stuff in it. We also do not have another bed or bedding for other people. I'm not giving up my bed either. I need good, quality sleep to function with my health. I could go on, but the gist of it is that I know it's one night but I'm uncomfortable...what do I do?

laurel

@Kikimora Send her a list of local hotels and tell her now is not a good time--because health reasons and grad school--for house guests, but you'd like to meet them for dinner?

Lucienne

@Kikimora If that doesn't work, buy and/or borrow an air mattress. Target has cheap but surprisingly nice cotton bedding.

Jinxie

@Kikimora This seems like a time for pseudo-honesty: "We'd love to have y'all, but we really haven't got anywhere in our small home to put you up. I can recommend this or that hotel, though, and I'd love to get together for dinner!"

Kikimora

@all Thanks to all of you for responding. We got them to bring an air mattress. I think I've worked myself up to the point where if she makes comments about the state of our place..maybe..I don't care? If it's an issue for her, it's not for me?

Matilda D'Ephemera

Happy long weekend to those who have one; sympathies to those who have to work.

This is my second Hairpin comment ever, but I've been a lurker here for years. You folks seriously impress me daily with your wit, compassion, and insight. Can I hang out with you pls?

adorable-eggplant

@Matilda D'Ephemera Welcome! I love your name!

Jinxie

@Matilda D'Ephemera Ahoy-hoy!

loren smith

I am 99% sure that my hubs and I can book a very unexpected trip to Mexico in October for a week and I am so exciteddddd. I was pretty sure we wouldn't be able to swing a proper vacation until we got to Portugal next spring.

camanda

Ah, open thread! I should have expected this! I had things to say and I have forgotten all of them. Bah.

I'm off for four straight days, though, so that's pretty great. Tomorrow I'm watching Independence Day again, and I have the Mitsuki Oosawa manga of Genealogy of the Holy War to read. Other than that my weekend is completely open, and if it turns out I spend all of it napping, I can deal with that.

Hopefully I do not do that, though -- I want to get out of the house Friday morning, hit the shore and spend a few hours down there taking pictures and reading before all the tourists show up. #localproblems I need to find something light to read, though. The copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich that I just got from Amazon for two bucks probably isn't going to cut it.

Palmetto

chanterelle mushrooms! all. over. the. place. All that crap weather wasn't for nothin' I guess. Most are golden, but a few are the color of those hot cheetos. If you've had a ton of rain and live near a wooded area, keep your eyes peeled!

Jinxie

@Palmetto SO JEALOUS. :(

Judith Slutler

Ugh, an aquaintance of mine just basically posted creepshots on facebook - girls laying in the sun, girls from behind, etc. Uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhh. Should I bother calling him out or just defriend? And... I honestly don't even know what I'd say to him. I'm not so good at feminism or arguments while typing in German :/

Briony Fields

@Judith Slutler Yikes, tough one. Maybe try a tongue and cheek comment and see how he responds before straight up defriending? Then his attention has been drawn to the issue and if you end up defriending him, he'll know why which maaaaay make him think about the issue more. I mean, in an ideal world.

I'm also not great at arguing in German, but maybe something like "Das ist ein bisschen Objektivierung, oder?" It's a bit lighthearted maybe? And perhaps he will sheepishly admit it and you guys can talk about it more? I dunno. Dumb that it happened in the first place. :(

Hot Doom

@Judith Slutler Ugh, that is a tough one! I've been in a similar situation, except it was with my half-sister (who was raised separately from me, in a Spanish-speaking country) and she was putting up horribly racist shit on her fb wall. I was a bit wine-drunk, so I called my spanish-speaking friend and asked her to translate my thoughts. My sister was like 'haaaaaaaa! it's only a joke!'. I mean...obviously, she and I aren't that close, especially considering we don't even share the same language, but COME ON. I wish you could just send an anonymous complaint to FB and they'd be like "PARTY FOUL" to the person doing the perpetrating, and make them take it down.

RNL
RNL

@Judith Slutler I would comment for sure. What do you have to lose? If it's a firestorm, just defriend. My comment would probably be like "wow, did you take those and post them without those women knowing? Creepy!" You don't have to diatribe about feminism. You can just straightforward call him out and shame him for his gross behavior.

ETA: If he gets defensive, either don't engage, or be like "Say what you will, doesn't make you not a creep."

Judith Slutler

@RNL I just wrote "I'm sure the people in those pictures are just totally enthused that you secretly took their picture and put it on the Internet." SO THERE.

RNL
RNL

@Judith Slutler How did it go?

meowmischen

@Judith Slutler I'm very late to this, but you can report the pictures or the whole album if you want to do that. Hover over the top right corner of the post until an arrow or an X shows up (depending how you're seeing it), click Report Story or Spam, and fill out the appropriate option for "this is creepy".

Hot Doom

Have any UK or continental 'Pinners been watching French series, The Returned, on Channel 4 (or Les Revenants, in France)? Because I am way into it, and I need to discuss it with someone, stat!

seaview

@Hot Doom SSSSSSSSSSSShhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just started, only watched the first episode so far, but loved it. Especially the music! Mogwai!

Hot Doom

@seaview Yes! I love the music! I've been getting the opening theme stuck in my head, and it's all so beautifully shot.

missupright

@Hot Doom Have heard so much goodness about this that I'm going to start it this weekend. I will discuss everything next Open Thread! x

Faintly Macabre

@Hot Doom I really wanted to watch it when I was in France, but I never had access to Canal+ (France's sort of HBO) or fast internet. I will start watching it if I can find an upload!

missupright

I have a job! A job working with people I love, doing something I love, PAID. But..it is in a sort of cool office, and I am..not very cool. And my clothes are all old. Which leads me to-

WHAT DO I WEAR TO WORK EVERY DAY IN JULY THAT IS FASHIONABLE-ISH/CHEAP/COMFORTABLE?

What do you wear to work? Talk to me about work outfits that are a bit professional, and not too stressful.

theotherginger

@missupright go to the hippest coffee shop you can stand, stare at what people are wearing, compare this in your mind to your new workplace, and then pick out one or two elements you actually like. I think that clean and pressed goes a long way, and if you get it thrifted, even if it's not the same style as your coworkers, it will be cheap, it will be a fun adventure (I love thrifting), and, side effect, it will probably make you cool.
ETA: Dresses and flats and cardis is a look I've seen many ladies rock these days. Dresses from H and M, or similar.

lemonadefish

@missupright I wear a lot of dresses from Target to work. The ponte knit collection is my go-to. With little flats, or loafers, or sometimes ankle boots (though not necessarily for summer). Also you can keep wearing your old pants / skirts, and get a couple cute seasonal cheap-ass tops from Old Navy, Forever 21, etc. Just try them on to make sure they fit, and don't show too much cleavage, because you never know with those cheap-ass clothes... TJ Maxx / Marshalls can also be a great place to go for cheaper work clothes, in much better quality, but sometimes it's hard to find things. Are you friendly enough with any of your coworkers to propose a shopping spree? If they wear cool things, they could help you find cool things. Oh, and nicer departments stores (Dillard's, whatever) often have crazy clearance racks - like 90% off! Then you can get some fancy things for Old Navy prices, and that is a glorious shopping achievement.
Or thrifting of course, if you have the patience, but if you don't already know what to wear, the thrift store will not help, because most of the things are there because they aren't cool any more.

loren smith

@missupright Can you wear nice jeans? My go to work outfit for a sort of cool, sort of laid back software company is tidy jeans (in whatever wash) and a pretty shirt - a nice blouse, a crisp tee shirt, a loose silk shell. For nice bargain jeans, I like the Uniqlo high waist tapered slim jeans, and thrift stores can have really pretty tops. Add a blazer or cardi and some flats and you're good to go. can you poke around some websites or fancy boutiques to see what styles and cuts you can see yourself feeling comfy in?

Linette

@missupright I straight up bought an entire summer wardrobe at Target because all my stuff's in storage and I can't seem to locate the summery stuff. It involved three cute sundresses, a pair of jean shorts, and a handful of tank tops for about $130 total. All of the dresses are cute enough to wear to work events and were approximately $25 apiece. I recommend this path.

Depending on where you are, I second thrift stores/consignment shops. You can often get good fashionable work pants at places like Goodwill for $10 if you have time to sift through the racks. Consignment shops can be pricier, but if you work at the sort of place where people are likely to notice the brands you're wearing, that's where your money will stretch most for quality stuff.

Faintly Macabre

@missupright I do not go to work at the moment, but as a dress addict, I second TJ Maxx if you're near one. They have a lot of BCBG dresses for $40 or less (and not just the weird jerseyish ones--more professional/structured ones, too) and Calvin Klein for around $50. I've gotten some nice dresses there on clearance for $20. Banana Republic has good sales, too, and sometimes has 40% off sale stuff. A lot of their stuff is too mature/professional for me, but they have a lot of simple, well-made skirts/tops/dresses. Ann Taylor Loft varies in niceness from season to season, but most of their clothes are work-appropriate and their clearance prices are often ridiculously cheap ($10 for a sundress, $4 for a shirt).

Lily Rowan

@missupright I realize a lot of other people have already said dresses, but the awesome thing about dresses is, you just have to make one decision! There's no "outfit," just the dress. (I mean, some people accessorize, but you don't have to.) Big yes to Target/H&M/Marshall's/Goodwill.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Lily Rowan I'm not sure how much you have to dress up at work, but yes to dresses! I wear lots of cotton/jersey dresses. If they tie at the waist or if you can add a belt, it'll make them look more fitted and less like just any sundress (if you're worried about that.)

I also like what I call "short-pants": bermuda-length shorts in fabrics and styles like you'd see for regular work pants. I wear them with whatever top I have lying around that day, but I think they'd work well with a silky shell top and a great necklace!

lobsterhug

Blerg, I'm at work all day and then I have to be at an event all evening.

Madeline Shoes

I got a call at 4:45 yesterday that I've got a prelim HR interview Wednesday for a job at a place I've been trying to get in for YEARS!!!! I just started a new job 6 months ago, but saw the opening and applied on a whim (even though I'm not REALLY looking for another new job) AND THEY CALLED ME!!! I am SO EXCITED and I need to be less excited by the time my interview rolls around.

Briony Fields

@Madeline Shoes Good luck!

honey cowl

I missed the fact that this existed yesterday! Boooo

iceberg

@honey cowl yo I'm here today! :)

drewmarta101

I wanna deal with that! :D

MissJudgeMental

I feel like it would be nice to have a companion. I seem to habitually get involved with moody pessimistic guys who aren't apparently so at first - any tips for spotting lovely people who I can bounce my enthusiasm off?

RNL
RNL

@MissJudgeMental Check out their friends! I think friends (including type, number, and quality) say a lot about a person. If you want an enthusiastic happy companion you may want to look for someone who is active in a larger group of friends.

MissJudgeMental

@RNL Oooh! Thanks @RNL that is awesome advice!

Briony Fields

YOU GUYS. I got my bus pass back! I posted upthread about losing my monthly pass and having to shell out €80 for a new one. Well, today I called the lost and found, and somebody had turned it in! I live in a poor, crime-ridden neighbourhood so I was nine thousand percent sure it was lost to me forever. But no!

And the icing on the cake is that I was able to get a full refund on the ticket I bought to replace it! Normally they refund you part, based on how much of the month has gone by, but this dude was feeling friendly I guess, and he refunded me the full price.

I'm so happy. I wish I knew who found my bus pass so I could hug them!

SarahP

BOSTONIANS. Did anyone else get all weepy at the fireworks last night? My husband and I watched part of the Pops show at a bar and I totally teared up when Dick Donohue conducted.

ALSO if anyone wants plans tonight, we live within walking distance of the Waltham fireworks and plan to have people over for drinks/hanging out before and after. Come on out!

Bittersweet

@SarahP YES. I teared up at "No One is Alone" and then again when Donohue was conducting. And then my daughter and I watched the fireworks and then went outside and watched lightning bugs and some local fireworks through the trees. Magic.

We'd come over to Waltham tonight but it's SO HOT and we're hiding in the basement.

iceberg

Y'all lets Open Thread it up, where my Canadians and fellow working/otherwise available Murricans at?

Briony Fields

@iceberg holla! I'm about to leave in a few minutes, but we can rock this open thread for a bit. How was your Amurrica day? I totally wore red white and blue yesterday by accident.

iceberg

@Briony Fields I got *all* the Bergy Bits into fucking ADORABLE red white & blue outfits (a miracle unto itself) and then utterly failed to catch any of them on camera.

anachronistique

@iceberg At work! Already wishing it was time to go home.

lobsterhug

@anachronistique Same here. Though, I am glad for the free a/c.

iceberg

@anachronistique Here, a little taste of the BBs Dictionary for you:
Pastagetti-spaghetti
Mogurt-yoghurt
Color-Froot Loop (because they're like Cheerios but with color)
Mazins/Tanas- raisins/sultanas (sultana is the Aussie word -confusingly, we have a different smaller dried grape thing that is called a raisin)

LilRedCorvette

@iceberg Oh thank goodness--I was afraid I would have to suffer an entire day of work with No Internet*

*Where "Internet" is "Perpetually-refreshing stimulus that is undoubtedly doing permanent and irreparable damage to my attention span"

SarahP

@iceberg MOGURT! I am stealing this, I don't care if I sound like a 2 year old.

I THOUGHT I was the only person in the office today, but then I found one of our summer interns sitting in the dark by himself.

Moonshine Mona Lisa

@iceberg I've worked for about an hour, and I think that's all the productivity they're going to get out of me today.

The good news about the Open Thread starting on Wednesday is that we don't have to wait 'til this afternoon! Woohoo!

anachronistique

@iceberg COLORS! Adorable.

@lobsterhug I thought our AC was broken again but they just turned it off yesterday so the whole building felt like an oven. It's better now. (I can't believe you had to work yesterday, though! THE HELL?)

iceberg

@SarahP They call Publix "mogurt-shops" because that's where we go to buy yoghurt (our regular supermarket, "Kroger-shops", doesn't have the same nice kind of yoghurt).

Lily Rowan

@iceberg "Working" is definitely overstating it, but I am at the office!

SmartCookie

@iceberg I'm at work as well. Booooo. But I did take a few hours this morning to become a resident of the state I've lived in for 5 years as opposed to the one I grew up in and haven't technically lived in for 11 years. I'm blanking on what all I need to update: I've got my bank, credit card, and insurance. What am I missing?

iceberg

@SmartCookie Driver's license? Voter registration?
Also now I want cookies.

lobsterhug

@anachronistique Oh the joys of being considered frontline staff. I had to work my regular hours this week plus a member event yesterday evening. I do get three days off at the end of it at least.

stonefruit

@iceberg My agency is most definitely Open For Business, alas, so here I am. And I come in early on Fridays so I've been here for an hour. Good lord this day can't end fast enough.

iceberg

@stonefruit Ugh I KNOW. I'm just hoping I'll be let off early due to the fact that barely anyone else came in and my job kinda depends on other people giving me things to do.

iceberg

@iceberg YOU GUYS that awkward moment when one of the writers uses a word incorrectly and I, the graphic designer, have to decide whether to embarrass them on an individual level by telling them, or letting them embarrass our publication by pretending I didn't see it and letting it go to press.

RNL
RNL

@iceberg Canadian checking in! This Friday morning is almost laughably terrible - I'm hungover from a great/boozy dinner party I threw last night, things are a bit rocky with my lovely BF, I CAN'T FIND MY MAKEUP BAG (oh horror what if it's gone forever can I claim it on my insurance thanks Jane Marie that thing is going to cost me like $300 to replace), I left my phone in my bf's car, and I got pooped on by a giant bird! Or at least a bird with giant poops.

And now I have to hide my hangover (WITH NO MAKEUP) and pretend to be a responsible lawyer. Blergh. Let's just open thread all day. I'll put my serious face on and type up a storm.

iceberg

@RNL Oh nooooo! I also forgot makeup today because triplets, but I'm hoping that coupled with my cough will also contribute towards getting to skip out early.

anachronistique

@iceberg Welp, after complaining about being there and how stuffy the building was, the campus police came by and told us the AC was broken again and sent us all home. So now I'm back at home and I grabbed some groceries and am sitting in front of my own window unit. BLISS.

I hope everybody gets out early and doesn't pass out from heat exhaustion!

stonefruit

@iceberg Well, I'm just skipping makeup today because - wait for it - I slept an extra half hour, which meant no time for a shower. In my head it feels weird/silly to put on makeup when you're not particularly clean underneath. I'm absolutely taking a nap tonight when I get home.

Also it is foggy and in the mid-50s here today. I am a happy camper. Welcome back, KarlTheFog, but thanks for staying away last night and letting us see a beautiful fireworks show!

SmartCookie

@RNL I actually am wearing makeup today for my driver's licence photo. But I tried a new conditioner this morning and my hair looks way worse than before I washed it. It smells hella good though!

@iceberg I would tell the person. They'll be embarrassed either way but at least you can be kind and minimize it.

iceberg

@stonefruit Oh my story is similar; the Diva woke me up at 5:45am and demanded "Mama carry!" and then "Mama sit!" until she fell back asleep at like 6:20am, and then I schlepped off and whoops woke up at 8:10 instead of 7:15 like I needed to, to be on time today. So I ate their rejected scraps of "Tella Toast" (toast with Nutella) for breakfast, and utterly forgot makeup. Also found a miniature train in my handbag on the way to work.

iceberg

@SmartCookie yes I think you're right, I went ahead & messaged them.

iceberg

@iceberg also, a BBs story for y'all!
Our house, around 8pm last night; BBs in PJs, getting ready for bed, we discover that we have almost no bread. This happened:
me: "All right my darlings, Mummy is going to get some bread."
quick on the uptake son: "Kroger-shops! Mama, I come Kroger-shops!"
chorus of 3: "I come! I come Kroger-shops!" [all start scrambling towards the door]
(quick-thinking Daddy): "No, Mummy's going to school!"
chorus of 3, hastily: "Bye Mama! Bye Mama!"

missupright

@iceberg It took me years to realise that the reason my parents went to the dentist at odd hours and at no notice was because they were going to do things that would be more easier without four small girls tagging along.

iceberg

@missupright BAHAHAHAHA! perfect!

missupright

@missupright "More easier"? "More easier"?! Pffft, I'm a tit.

RNL
RNL

@iceberg UPDATE: my makeup bag is and was on my dresser. Damn you hangover.

somuchsugar

I'm here too! So bored today. I just want to say how much Hairpin gets me through the week! Any good podcast suggestions? xoxo

lobsterhug

@somuchsugar If you like movies, check out the Reel Conversation. Full disclosure, the guy who does it is a friend of my husband.

somuchsugar

Tell me something exciting about your day 'Pinners!!! My exciting thing is I finished a really hard web development project at work wherein I embarrassed myself a couple times, because I didn't know what was going on, because the project manager is an ass! But It looks like it is on me even though it's not my fault! happy Friday.

theotherginger

@somuchsugar I went to crossfit. And it was easier than it has ever been. I am becoming strong!

SarahP

@somuchsugar Once I came into work from the heat/humidity, my hair became AMAZING. I don't want to go back outside because it looks so awesome.

RNL
RNL

@somuchsugar I get to meet a dear friend's week-old baby today! OMG!

somuchsugar

@SarahP You lucky lady, my office feels humid today! I think they turned off the air since there are only a few people in :(

Matilda D'Ephemera

@somuchsugar I got to go to my favorite dance class today, which I almost never get to do because I'm usually at work! And the amazing teacher helped me discover where my leg needs to be to do an arabesque (not where I've been putting it for the last 20 years or so)!

Bittersweet

@somuchsugar I went to the gym and watched the end of the epic Djokovic-del Potro Wimbledon match while I was killing it on the treadmill. Now rooting for Murray in the final!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@somuchsugar I found a T-shirt that I'd had my eye on last year, today on sale for $10!

LilRedCorvette

So. Lately, I've been making an effort to Be More Social (30% Ann Tyler-style "This is your life; lean into it"; 70% the fact that I'm no longer crippled by depression/fearful of relapsing into a crippling depression. Less fearful, anyway). But...it's tiring. And it feels like work. And it's expensive!

Intellectually, I know that I don't want "Working on My Night Cheese" to be the theme song of my twenties (MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS YOUTH), but, ugh, I wish this was easier/that I wanted it more.

RNL
RNL

@LilRedCorvette Good for you! It's hard but it'll get easier. But it may also get more expensive. God damn you friends.

wallsdonotfall

@LilRedCorvette Word. I'm having the same desire-for-friendliness/quickly-tiring dynamic. What kind of activities are you doing? I really want a low-key weekly or monthly family dinner night to become a thing in my life.

ach_so

@LilRedCorvette I'm in a similar place-- trying to be social because I don't have a lot of friends here, and also trying to ward off the cycle of sitting alone at home -> feeling down -> not going out cause I feel down -> sitting on couch. My current strategy, because it *is* exhausting and expensive, is do social things & try to be more lax about money during the week, then Saturday & Sunday are penny-pinching time and also "me time" if I feel like it.

LilRedCorvette

@wallsdonotfall Most recently I (THE CLICHE) joined a kickball league (briefly forgetting that I hate team sports. And people). I have a small cohort of local friends, but attempts to get in with friends-of have been eh--I'm actually finding it easier to start fresh with strangers than suffer through little friend setups?

@rosinator That's very wise--I'm kind of finding that I like to have a vast swath of weekend to putz/errand/nap, but making plans after work isn't as stressful.

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wallsdonotfall

Hey! I don't know how many people will be reading down here, but has anyone gone from being mostly an indoorsy person to more outdoorsy? I've always loved camping and hiking, but living in a city and not being able to drive means I haven't done any of those since college. I've found some Meetups where people carpool, though, so it might be possible to start backpacking or bouldering. How did you get through the scary beginner stages of learning to climb or whatever? How much time & money do you spend on it?

polka dots vs stripes

@wallsdonotfall Hi! I'm slowly doing the same thing (although I have a car, which has made it easier). My thing is camping/backpacking, and I've started by spending money on personnel items that, honestly, gross me out to share or borrow - so for me that meant, a sleeping bag was priority number one. My first trip is in October, so since June I'm budgeting some money every month to pick up something I'm uncomfortable with borrowing. So far I have a sleeping bag/pad and some new outdoor pants and socks. I'm not sure what's next on my list, but I'm going to REI this weekend so I'm sure I'll pick something up.

I figured out what I wanted to spend money on by talking to people who do backpacking and camping regularly and finding out what supplies I'd need, and then give myself enough time to find things on sale, on craigslist, etc before I dived into camping. My plan is to spend no more than $200/month (either on one big thing or several smaller things) and I'd like to camp at least once a quarter to make investing in this stuff worthwhile.

TL;DR version: start with the basics, borrow stuff as you go, spend as much time and money as you think makes it worthwhile

LilRedCorvette

@wallsdonotfall This is a topic near and dear to my heart! I went from being a self-identified indoor kitty to doing a 45-day backcountry hike last summer. These days "having a job" precludes anything that adventurous, but I rock climb outside a couple times a month and have an REI membership, so...

Climbing and hiking will swallow as much money (and time!) as you're willing to throw at them, although I'd recommend that you start out with intro-level (aka cheap) gear, and upgrade as you get more involved in the sport. I don't boulder, so I can't offer you any specifics, but it's less expensive than...any other type of climbing: you don't need a rack, rope, or even a harness; you probably won't need to buy your own crash pad or chalk if you're going out with other people.

Do you have access to a climbing gym? If there's a decent one (dedicated gym; not a wall at an exercise center), that's probably a good place to get comfortable with some basic skills, and meet people to go outside with. Trusting your instincts is important; trusting the people you're with is important, and so is coming in with some knowledge so you can evaluate risk factors on your own (I know people who I would never, ever trust to belay me. They're very nice! But not so nice that I'd rather put myself in danger than hurt their feelings).

wallsdonotfall

@LilRedCorvette @polka dots vs stripes Ah, yay, thank you! Yeah, with money it's really hard to resist buying everything at once even though I know I a) can't afford it and b) can't rush out into the field right now anyhow. Pacing is good.

(I have a sleeping bag, but my tent was left behind the last time I went on a trip. I should probably get a pad as well as a tent, and probably a real backpack instead of my high school bag--but then the questions of weight, price, etc. quickly become overwhelming.)

Chicago apparently has a single dedicated climbing gym. It might not be great for total beginners, but a day pass is only $10 so I should go check it out. We don't really have rocks around here? so I'm not sure how else to practice. It would be easier if I knew people already who have these hobbies, but maybe the gym & meetups will introduce me to people who know what they're doing and how to really get into them.

LilRedCorvette

@wallsdonotfall @wallsdonotfall CHICAGO! If the gym offers classes, that's a great way to meet people to climb (and probably hike!) with.

packedsuitcase

@wallsdonotfall The gym is the best place! They'll also usually have boards where you can post a note saying you're looking for a climbing buddy. I've gone to a few meet ups in my town to find more climbers. And in general, once you meet one or two, you'll end up with a crowd of people you can climb with. But I think a beginners class is a great way to start. Oh! I also started making friends with the people that worked at the gym and putting the word out that I was looking for climbing partners, and they hooked me up with a few people.

Also, check out Steep&Cheap, REI Outlet, etc. for deals on gear - I got my harness for about $30, and my shoes were a gift but they ran my friend around $40.

kristenpdx

Happy Friday, fellow worker bees. I spent much of my holiday feeling lonely and angsty. My recent ex-boyfriend, whom I still love but haven't seen since the breakup, texted to see if we could meet up near the fireworks downtown. The timing didn't work out, but with all the texting, it was the most I had talked to him since I broke off the relationship. I'm anxious because I know we want to see each other, but I don't know how the actual *seeing each other* will go. I miss him painfully. Let it be said that I had good reasons for ending the relationship, but we were extremely close and talked about getting married and having a family. So, yeah, with the angst.

iceberg

@kristenpdx How "recent " are we talking? I feel like if you initiated the breakup, and still believe in the reasons, and (regardless of remaining feelings) don't want to get back together, the kindest thing you can do for him is to not have any contact until the feelings are no longer confusing and you don't miss each other.

kristenpdx

@iceberg
That is a good point. It has been a month. I know we're getting ourselves into treacherous waters, but during the breakup conversation we did say that we wanted to try being friends of some sort. We're meeting for coffee tomorrow.

It's gotten harder, as time passes, to be without him in my life. Or maybe I've just gotten more sad about it as I've started to process the situation.

iceberg

@kristenpdx oh nooooo a month is not even close to long enough girl. how long were you together? it sounded very serious. give it wayyyyy more time, until you can look at him without regret or guilt, and he can look at you without wounded puppy eyes. Like don't even think about each other for like 6 months.

kristenpdx

@iceberg
That idea sounds completely awful. :-( We were together seven months and it was serious.

kristenpdx

@kristenpdx
But ... we agreed to one month, minimum, and we'll talk about it.

iceberg

@kristenpdx I guess it depends on whether you want to get over it & move on, or see if the reasons you broke up can be resolved so you can get back together. Honey, how old are you? Seven months does not sound like a long time, but then again Mr Iceberg and I were discussing baby names by month 3, so who am I to judge?

kristenpdx

@iceberg
I'm 30 years old. Seven months doesn't sound long to most people, but it was a great success for me because I have a long history of being super-anxious and bailing on relationships too early.

SmartCookie

@kristenpdx I'm with iceberg on this one. One month is not enough time to get rid of ghost weddings and babies. Is there anything good that can come of meeting when you're in "treacherous water?" There's no shame in canceling or postponing. At the very least try to plans with a friend immediately after so that you can keep the initial reunion short and you can't go home and wallow if it doesn't go as hoped.

meowmischen

@kristenpdx Me too, except I still live with the ex until the end of the month. I recommend it because it reinforces the good reasons we had to break up, except I don't recommend it because it sucks.

kristenpdx

@kristenpdx
Thanks, everybody. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I'll call to cancel, and that will give us a chance to chat a bit on the phone. I don't know.

Passion Fruit

@kristenpdx Oh my god, as a fellow human who recently broke up with someone serious, I must know, what happened, woman, what happened?? Did you meet up with him? Was is angsty? Lovely? Bittersweet?

And iceberg, I'll put your bit of advice in my back pocket. I know it will be useful to read and reread when I have my regularly scheduled, on-time-like-a-Tokyo-train meltdown at my 1 month post-breakup mark. (UGH.)

kristenpdx

@Passion Fruit

I'm so sorry. Breakups can be so very painful. I ended things with my man because I determined that he was lacking a certain dependability and ability to self-motivate. I couldn't wait any longer for him to grow up. He said he was ready to settle down with me, but I think he needs to get his life together a bit.

But we were best friends and we still love each other a lot. I met him for coffee yesterday and it was actually great. I really missed having him in my life.

RNL
RNL

Aaaannny West Coast Canadians holding on to the bitter end?

Can anyone relate to that awful feeling when you look at your beloved and feel disconnected from them? Not quite falling out of love, but feeling like all of a sudden you are walking out of step when you have been spontaneously marching in unison for a long time?

And if so, what do you do to get it back? How do you sync up again?

somuchsugar

@RNL I have been married 13 years and it happens... We go on a nice big vacation together just the two of us at least once a year.... it helps. Also just a weekend trip for the two of you, a romantic getaway, even if just for a night?

stonefruit

@RNL West Coast USA-an here, can I play too? Except I don't have anything about your other thing, except that I'm sorry to hear it's happening.

Puppy in a cup

@somuchsugar How do you do it? How do you know? I literally had this conversation with friends tonight: How do we know if the discontent we feel after 3-5 years in a non-married relationship is run-of-the-mill relationship, "how it will always be" feelings, or if it is, NO, STOP, You still have time to change it and find something better!! HOW DO YOU KNOW! (Or is the question answer enough?)

RNL
RNL

@Puppy in a cup right? And I have so much bullshit inside me (read: intimacy issues) and when I feel negative or confused feelings in my relationship, I can't trust myself that they aren't just my own demons howling. I just feel so torn up inside right now. I love my boyfriend so much but I'm just full of dread and anger and confusion and I don't know what is real and what is ephemeral.

I'm pretty sure the question can't be enough, for me, because I never don't have the question.

Puppy in a cup

@RNL Ugh, that is a rough place to be. I'm sorry you're going through it. My fallback has always been to give it time. This quote from the tao te ching has also always helped me, in myriad situations:
"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?"

In the meantime, hugs from an internet stranger!

mangosara

@RNL Ah this is so relevant for me as well... especially difficult for me because I'm really young (in the grand scheme of relationship things). Not to say that I have any advice to offer, but rather... yep, I'm struggling with that too. Don't want to end up much further down the line feeling like I missed out, but it's so difficult to even consider the possibility of going in a different direction when you know you could very well just be confused.

packedsuitcase

Today is not my day. I am having MAJOR anxiety about my upcoming move/career change. So here is a GIF of a kitten.

MissJudgeMental

@packedsuitcase good luck! Come back and tell us if you need Internet hugs. Internet hug being sent right now.

Bittersweet

@packedsuitcase I know it's anxiety-inducing, but you will be AWESOME in your new job/city. Think of it as an exciting new chapter...and maybe less scary than getting snuck up on by a lizard?

amuletum

@packedsuitcase

according to your username, you are all ready to go :)

lots of luck and please reach out to us if you need any support!

packedsuitcase

@amuletum Thanks, everybody!

the little c

If anyone is still reading this thread...

NYC pinners, I'd love for someone to accompany me to any of the free concerts in Hudson River Park this month. I'm going to see Sallie Ford and the Sound Outside next Thursday. Anyone game? Details be here: http://riverrocksnyc.com/

amuletum

@the little c

replying very late as well, but I think I can meet up with you any day except for the 11th. Do you have an email or someplace where I can contact you privately to sort out the details?

the little c

@amuletum

You can email me at theeellsee at gmail!

Puppy in a cup

The FOT is over, and I haven't posted in a while. BUT. I must know: Are there attractive, kind, good, men that will love a girl who like to snack at night, in bed, post-cocktails? (Says the Puppy in a Cup with a large bag of trader joes roasted cashews by her bed...) IS THERE ANYONE?? Do such men exist??

lobsterhug

@Puppy in a cup I have an ex who was into post-coital cookies in milk, so I am sure there is a cashews-in-bed lover out there for you.

Hot Doom

@Puppy in a cup
Totally. Mine likes to swig red wine and the chocolate covered toffee popcorn from TJ's. They do exist! Put some snacks by your bed and see what happens post-shag.

RNL
RNL

@Puppy in a cup definitely, no doubt. Even if they don't share your proclivities. My bf laughed so hard the other night when I returned from a post-coital bathroom trip and offered one of my handful of dried figs. "Only RNL", he said affectionately, "would bring dried figs to bed at midnight".

He's wrong, obviously, but he does love me.

Puppy in a cup

@RNL This warms my heart, you have no idea! It *should* be lovable & endearing, shouldn't it.

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Scandyhoovian

I'm thinking the OT is over now, considering the last 4 comments on it are spam crap, but it's Monday and I'm feeling really low, because I did the stupid thing and I stepped on the scale, and realized I have gained back 35 pounds of the 100 I worked so hard to lose last year, and it's entirely my own fault in that I stopped really going to the gym regularly and have not been giving much thought to what I'm eating and how often I'm eating crap. It's just falling back into old patterns, and I had done so well to NOT, you know?

Anyway, today is Day One of getting back into the better habits and going back to the gym. I refuse to let this funk beat me.

SarcasticFringehead

@Scandyhoovian Scales are a terrible invention and we should destroy them all. But also: you did it once, you can definitely do it again! Good luck!

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