Quantcast

Monday, June 17, 2013

95

Will You Invite Last-Timers to Your Wedding?

Slate is currently running a wedding series, and David Plotz's column takes on the "last-timers"—the dear, genuine friends who were once profoundly important parts of your life but who are, by the time of your wedding, already drifting harmlessly and naturally away. Apparently wedding websites encourage you to cut these people off at the pass and save yourself $200 per close-college-friend-whose-adult-life-now-diverges-wildly-from-your-own, but Plotz disagrees:

What better way to end a friendship than with joy? What better than to have your final memory of each other be of your best, happiest wedding selves?

I am getting vertigo just thinking about this.

95 Comments / Post A Comment

Jaya

I get his point, but how awkward would that be if your friend then assumed the invitation was you reaching out to rekindle the friendship, and you're still in the "adult-life-now-diverges-wildly" camp?

j-i-a

@Jaya I find this whole idea to be just really hard to get a handle on, especially because it's like an "ok everyone do your thing and who cares" type of issue, but I think he talks about it pretty well - you can't know who you're going to stay friends with 4Ever, and maybe it doesn't matter at all, and maybe it's cool to just get back together and party for a bit and maybe you'll rekindle and maybe you won't and maybe time just marches on merciless and unceasing

*faints*

Judith Slutler

@j-i-a Yeah isn't his whole point that you can't know who will stay your friend or not? I'm all for figuring out a low cost per attendee so that I'd be able to throw a bitchin party, without thinking too much about how many fancy appetizers my friends are gonna eat or whatever.

hallelujah

@j-i-a I am planning a wedding right now, and I can't go anywhere near this without a paper bag to breathe in. UGH WEDDINGS.

Drawn7979

@Jaya
some people are, hehe.

fondue with cheddar

@Judith Slutler If your friendship has been on a downward trajectory, your marriage is likely to hasten it. At least that's how it's been in my experience.

iceberg

@Jaya off-topic but I commented on your new website and it's not showing up! did I mess up, or do you have (invisible) comment moderation

OhMarie

@j-i-a I actually have a college friend who we were kind of ebbing with at the time of our wedding, so we didn't invite him. Then we kind of rekindled and now we're really close and I kind of regret it.

Jaya

@iceberg Oh no! Still working stuff out, so let me check and I'll let you know!

Jaya

@j-i-a Yeah, I guess that's the strange thing. How are you ever to know they are a "last-timer"? Also yeah, currently planning a wedding so I'm with @hallelujah on the hyperventilating thing.

fipkiyet

My roomate's mother earned $19329 last week. she is making an income on the computer and moved in a $321200 home ======wep6.com=====

The Lady of Shalott

So I suppose now we can add Slate to the list of websites of "Weddings, Children, and Everything Women Do: Whatever You're Doing, You're Doing It Wrong."

enic

@The Lady of Shalott Oh yeah, I always think Slate is going to be not-crazy, but it's secretly really awful!! For example, there was a whole article where a woman complained about the women wearing thongs in her hot yoga class (it basically assumed that the only reason you would wear a thong was to look attractive to the opposite sex). Ugh.

stuffisthings

@The Lady of Shalott "Give yourself to the Page Views. It is the only way you can save your friends."

Judith Slutler

@enic Slate has a weird trend of publishing people's individual pet peeves as if they were headline news / major cultural trends.

Also they LITERALLY have a food blog series entitled "You're Doing It Wrong." Just saying.

smidge

@The Lady of Shalott I got sidetracked by the article Patton Oswalt wrote on Thievery, Heckling, and Rape Jokes, and that was pretty good?

iceberg

@smidge just read that this morning, I really liked it.

FloraPosteHaste

@The Lady of Shalott that food blog pisses me off every. single. time. i see the title.

fondue with cheddar

I don't like it. I had last-timers at my wedding, and I have been a last-timer at friends' weddings. I felt guilty about the former, and after the latter I regretted having spent all that money on a gift for a friendship that was dead.

Slutface

If we've grown apart or lost touch, I'd rather you not invite me. I would assume the only reason you did was to get $100 out of me as a wedding gift.

enic

@Slutface Nobody ever invites you for the gift. Generally, each guest costs way more than whatever you're getting off the registry.

Slutface

@enic Anyone I've ever known that has planned a wedding has talked about how much money they're getting from X amount of people. Maybe I just know shittier people than you do.

enic

@Slutface I'm sorry, that does sound shitty. And also like bad business sense?

fondue with cheddar

@Slutface Most of my friends didn't give more than what their attendance cost me, and my wedding was on the cheaper side. I suppose someone might invite you for the gift if you've gained a reputation for being a generous giver (and the couple to be wed are assholes).

TheLetterL

@Slutface This! I suppose there's a part of me that understands the gesture of gathering together all the people who have made you who you are, but for the vast majority of former friends, a larger, cynical part of me would be like "Really?"

And how much time can you possibly spend with the last-timers at a wedding, anyway?

shantasybaby

@TheLetterL Well, the whole point of the letter is that you don't know they're "last timers" until you realize that you haven't seen them (or wanted to see them) since your wedding. In my case, one of my childhood best friends (we were close through most of our early 20's) and bridesmaids turned out to be a last timer. I was so touched by her being so helpful at my wedding and I spent alot of the time crying and telling her I'm sorry we don't keep in touch better. But then after the wedding I realized it was kind of a last hurrah, we don't really talk now (beyond facebook likes and comments) and haven't seen each other since. I don't know what it was about the wedding but it put kind of a final flourish on our frienship as it was clear we'd been growing apart for years.

shannanigans

@enic Unless each guest costs ~your parents~ more than the gift. It's like selling the books your parents bought you for college courses for cold, hard, beer money.

Hello Dolly

Does this really apply as much, though? Doesn't Facebook help alleviate the "and that was the last time I ever saw so and so?" Granted, not everyone is on Facebook, but with the internet and email, it seems a little bit easier to keep in touch. Maybe? I was in a friend's wedding party, she has since gotten divorced and now lives on the other side of the country, but I know where she is and what she's doing with her life via Facebook. Are we as close as we were back in college? No. Is she still a part of my life? Kind of.

Slutface

@Spicy Bubbles Yeah,but Facebook was made for walking away from friendships without having to actually say it. You can check up on a person (or stalk them as I do), like their status or their pictures without actually having to interact with them. On the surface you're still friends, but in reality, if Facebook didn't exist, you wouldn't bother.

cuminafterall

@Spicy Bubbles I was just thinking about this-- how social media keeps friendships from dying-- they're just in this weird suspended animation. You get some details from each other's lives (depending on how big on sharing you are), and there's always the potential for that "Hey, how you been? Let's get coffee" message to rekindle the relationship.

stuffisthings

@Spicy Bubbles Oh yeah. Between college, grad school, and many years of Living Internationally I have a lot of good friends I rarely talk to, but we still hang out when they're in town or whatever. Also we only had two friends are our wedding and they more than paid their way with gifts, so there's no weird mercenary feelings either. I think this is a Good Thing?

gfrancie

@Slutface This is such a true thing. I'm happy to hear about things going on in the lives of people I used to see all of the time, but FB kind of allows me to avoid having to do the awkward coffee date. Life/geography happened but I can still give the impression of civility or something.

I Want To Go To There

@Spicy Bubbles I have a lot of friends who live overseas/across provincial lines, who I facebook message and text at least once a week, and skype ~once a month? Now I don't know if they were in the same city as I that we would hang out more than once a week, due to my work level, in addition to my natural anti-social nature? I don't know if this is a really really bad thing or just a bad thing... I think it's just how I have come to interact with the people I want to interact with who I am not friends with due to commitments (University/Work/Etc.)

tl/dr; i'm terrible?

squishycat

@I Want To Go To There I am super terrible actually keeping in contact with people, but I still consider a lot of my friends who I don't really talk to to be friends because when we *do* end up in the same place, or do start talking again, things are still good. It's just that I'm terrible at keeping things up in the interim with most people. (Also a lot of my friends live on the other side of the country, and a lot of my boyfriend's friends live across the country and then across the *ocean*, so we both have a pretty similar perspective on "friends that we don't actually talk to much but who are still totally friends".)

enic

@squishycat yes, i feel you on this. i don't facebook/text/skype any of these people either, i'm pretty terrible about this and friends with a lot of people who hate gchat and/or the phone? but they're also great at being wonderful friends in person, and we all know that if there were any crisis we could call each other up and also, like, fly out to rescue each other if necessary, even though we can go MONTHS and MONTHS with zero contact. They would certainly be invited to my wedding! And even if we went years and years without talking due to life circumstances, I would still consider them super-close and influential friends in my big life picture.

other people i gchat with all the time because they also have lame office jobs, but i don't actually consider them that close friends and would feel way less inclined to invite to my wedding.

Quinn A@twitter

My fiancee and I deliberately picked a venue that restricts us to 30 guests. I am definitely not in his camp.

Also, I kind of suspect that when you're drifting apart, the guest is probably less his or her "best, happiest wedding self" and more "person who is bored at the ceremony, drinks a lot at the reception, and resents the expense of attending the wedding of this person they don't really care about so much anymore". *

*I have maybe read one too many bitter article about weddings! They have maybe made me really concerned about whether or not people actually want to come to mine or secretly resent the hell out of me!

Linette

@Quinn A@twitter I read that second sentence and had a complete breakdown of BUT QUINN'S MARRYING A LADY RIGHT I SWEAR I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU and then realized it is, of course, a typo.

Excuse me, I'm going to go be an idiot over here now.

Quinn A@twitter

@Linette :D I am! I was actually responding to a line that is no longer in the post, where Jia said that she thought she was in Plotz' camp.

Linette

@Quinn A@twitter Oh, that actually makes more sense. I thought you meant to type "this" camp, but of course, it was a dude who wrote this article. Of course it was.

squishycat

@Quinn A@twitter I do not understand the proliferation of "resentful articles about weddings". If you resent it just don't fucking go! Augh!

Quinn A@twitter

@squishycat Right?! Like weddings aren't stressful enough without people stomping all over the joy.

antipretty

I was a last-timer at my friend's wedding in September. I only knew my friend (the groom) and his bride; our friendship started fading after they started dating, but I was really glad to be invited to watch them start their married life together. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception and I really was happy to see them so happy together.

It did feel more than a little bittersweet because I knew it was unofficially the end of our friendship. But his wife is a cool lady and they're so well-suited for each other that I feel like...he's in good hands now?

Extra complication; we dated for a while, but it was long over by the time they met. I tried to go incognito as his "friend, whose friends [groom] dated", but everyone at my table identified me on sight as Groom's exgirlfriend.

All in all, I viewed it as the closing of our book together. Sad but beautiful and happy at the same time. I'm friends with Mrs. Groom on FB so I can still keep tabs on them, and he'll always have a special place in my heart as my friend.

Beaker

I am going to the wedding of a high school friend this summer, who I have seen only once a year (maximum) in the past 6 years since graduation, and I think the last time I talked to her on the phone was 4 years ago. Apparently it will be a big wedding, and she's the first of our high school friends to get married so it's also like a high school reunion of friends. It should be fun, but we definitely are not all that close.

That being said, we're having a pseudo-bachelorette party for her this week and she wants to bring her fiancé to dinner which A) isn't that not the point? and B) HE IS SO BORING, OH MY GOODNESS. I wish her all the best and she really loves him (and he loves her) but good lord, he is boring. And his coming along definitely means I won't be bringing her any funny penis-shaped things because he would be NOT AMUSED.

Apocalypstick

@Beaker Is it that he's too boring to have a bachelor party of his own?

Beaker

@Apocalypstick Well, it's more that they're visiting her family for the week and he doesn't know anyone in the area... It's turning into a dinner situation rather than a party, but I'm guessing it would still be inappropriate to cook penis-shaped pasta. But maybe I can bring a penis pasta side salad and not tell people and see if they notice, because I have a weird sense of humor like that.

Apocalypstick

@Beaker Do the side salad, that's freaking hilarious.

happy go lucky scamp

@Beaker oh my god I know a couple that would totally do that, but it's more that they never spend any time apart.
Do the side salad, deliciously inappropriate.

anachronistique

I am definitely the last-timer friend who doesn't like the new spouse. (In my defense, this dude thinks it's okay to use "r*tard" in casual conversation all the time. No, I don't know why she married him.)

fondue with cheddar

@anachronistique Ugh, I'm sorry your friend picked such an awful dude.

RubeksCube

This does not adequately cover the following scenario: Your wedding happens closely following college/grad school, and you are close friends, so you make said friend part of the wedding party. Following the festivities, you never hear from them again, aside from the occasional "like" on Facebook. Did not plan on the wedding being the friendship-ender.

RubeksCube

@RubeksCube And then, to twist the knife, you are not invited to anything surrounding said friend's nuptials, even after seeing them in person and expressing interest in rekindling the friendship. What I'm saying here is Can a girl get an explanation? The answer is apparently a no. Sigh. Weddings are confusing.

Better to Eat You With

@RubeksCube None of my three bridesmaids, including my only sister, are still in my life. I understand why in each case, but it casts a shadow on some of the photos, for sure.

RubeksCube

@Better to Eat You With Yeah, I guess that's my real issue. I would like a nice neat bow to tie up loose ends, and life is pretty stingy with its ribbon. :) The upside is that I still have all the memories of pre-wedding/actual wedding friendship to keep me happy.

lululemming

@RubeksCube Um, were you a nice bride? Truly. I ask because I was recently in the same situation, but I was the MOH. I plan on doing the exact same thing as your friend did: quietly disappearing and throwing the occasional "like" bone on Facebook. Reason: the bride was nasty and entitled, and the wedding really highlighted that. I don't like her enough anymore to bother explaining it to her. Sad that 20 years of friendship is lost, but nothing brings out the evil in a person like that person thinking the world should come to its knees because they want to participate in a ritualized public validation of their love relationship.

SuperGogo

@RubeksCube Your wedding happened shortly after college; it's natural that college friends drift apart as they go their separate ways. I'm not married, but ALL the photos of me with my closest friends from the time involve people who are no longer in my life. Hell, photos from just a few years ago are the same, since I live in a big city and friends move away fairly often. Your wedding was a snapshot of your life at that point. It had weight for you, of course, but it doesn't have the power in and of itself to stop friendships from changing.

RubeksCube

@lululemming Oh gosh, that's awful! No, I think I was a nice bride. I didn't ask anything of my MOH or other bridesmaid, other than they get their dresses made themselves. I took care of the rest (accommodations, etc) myself, and tried to make sure they had a good time and weren't stressed (I was, but I genuinely wanted them not to be!). I think my worst fear is being horrible and not realizing it, so I hope I over-compensated? Oh dear god what if I was awful???

lululemming

@RubeksCube Sounds like you were okay-- what I learned from the experience is everyone has a different expectation of "proper" wedding behaviour and what "common sense" dictates. Perhaps your friend is just doing her own thing because it seems like common sense to her. I dunno. Thanks for being a nice bride. I guess if you can figure out a way to ask her without it being at all accusatory, I would go ahead and do it. Good luck!

ThatWench

@RubeksCube @lulu
Were you also the first in your college/grad school circle to get married? My first-out-of-school wedding did have a somewhat obnoxious bride who alienated a lot of friends... but also, some of us (myself included) didn't know what we were getting into with the "bridesmaid" thing. There's a lot I don't like about modern weddings (because I'm a grouch like that), and I didn't realize before-hand that all of these things would upset me by themselves, even before any bride-drama.

RubeksCube

@ThatWench That's actually a really good point I hadn't considered before. Being a bridesmaid can suck even under the best circumstances. Maybe that had something to do with it.
And yes, I was one of the first to get married in that circle, so that's probably a factor, too.

flimflannery

Eh, I'm confused. Because when you actually go to a wedding (and are not in the party) you're hanging out with people you know (like friends or family). I've never really hung out with the bride/groom at a wedding, beyond a "thank you for being here" because they were busy with all the traditional wedding stuff.

TheRisottoRacket

@flimflannery I'm going to a college roommates wedding this summer and we're not super close anymore. We catch up every once in a while, but no biggie as is life. HOWEVER we are both still super best friends with the rest of our little friend group from college so I'm definitely going and not worried about us not being so close anymore because I'm just going to chill with our friends anyway.

flimflannery

@TheRisottoRacket Yeah, I guess that's what I mean! I don't get it being a send off to friendship because there's really no social interaction with the bride or groom on the day itself if you're just a party-goer, you know? But it does make sense to invite groups of people so they can hang out at your wedding.

Citizen Christy

I didn't invite last-timers, though I was still in college, so the friends who fall into that category now were by and large still around. Mr. Citizen has quite a large extended family, so we were full up by the time we got around to people we may or may not invite, depending on lack of closeness. Our fourth anniversary's this week, and at this point I feel we invited a good group of people and don't regret what the guest list look like. NO REGRETS 2013 YO (I'm cool.)

RoxxieRae

Is it an asshole suggestion that we as a society agree to stop spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a party that just stresses everyone out?

planforamiracle

@RoxxieRae Not an asshole suggestion, but maybe overkill. There's an article in Slate's same series on weddings about how the reported "average" cost of weddings is highly inflated/miscalculated/misleading. I agree that there are lots of over-the-top expensive weddings, and that people get very stressed about weddings, but I think what we see in the media exaggerates the stress and expense.

Or, maybe I'm just lucky that the weddings I've been to have been relaxed, modest-budget celebrations of love and commitment.

RoxxieRae

@planforamiracle I'm with you on the idea that media has inflated this, but my experience with brides has mostly been that whether it costs $1500 or $15k or $150k, it turns everyone involved into a giant stressball. Being in a wedding party is a job I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy, much less a close friend. I just wish more people would celebrate their love and committment with a BYOB barbecue and then use their money on something that is actually smart and good...

LOL maybe you're just lucky you're not a grouch like me... I've had fun at weddings for sure, but it always seems like such a crazy expenditure of time, energy and cash. It's bewildering.

planforamiracle

@RoxxieRae Haha exactly! It's true that no matter what you spend, just the act of bringing together parents, friends, and far-flung family members is stressful. My parents hosted a big family reunion last summer and despite the fact that every attending family contributed lots of food, drink, etc, they were both stressing about it for months.

I'm not a grouch about weddings, but I've only been to 3 as an adult, so maybe it's just still the novelty ;)

RoxxieRae

@planforamiracle You know, you're right, getting that many people together is for sure a giant production that makes people need to lie down. :) I think part of my beef also has to do with the industry itself, which seems to be linking arms and skipping with fashion magazines down the "HEY LADIES SPEND ALL THIS MONEY OR YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND DID WE MENTION YOU'RE FAT" highway.

bowtiesarecool

@planforamiracle Yeah, we're a little under two months out and even though we kept the budget super low, and the guest list small, and stripped out all of the wedding-specific stuff (aside from cake, because I like eating cake), and tried to be the Most Low Key Wedding Ever (tying the knot in a local restaurant), it is still a huge stressball! And more expensive than I would like! It just takes a lot of money to feed and water a big group of family members who can eat their body weight in lasagna. And it turns out that extended family always has its own drama (what do you mean, we can't seat those two aunts together? they hate each other? since when?), and people are just TERRIBLE at committing to attend/not attend stuff, whether it's a wedding or the Christmas white elephant exchange.

My general conclusion is that big family parties are fun, and it can be someone else's turn to plan the next one. It's a bit disingenuous to say that it's all because of WEDDINGS(tm) or bridezillas.

Scandyhoovian

I think the article's more about "we didn't expect these guys to be last-timers," not so much "we knew this was ending and invited them anyway." At my own wedding the budget and venue were both small, so friends with whom the friendship seemed to be on the way out or on the rocks were not invited. But the event was just six months ago, so if I had last-timers there in the "who knew that would be the end" sense, it's probably a little soon to tell.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Scandyhoovian Yeah, that was what I got from the article, too.

gfrancie

@Scandyhoovian And sometimes it is a surprise to see who keeps in touch and who doesn't. I think of when I got married and the girlfriends I invited. I ended up becoming much more close with someone who wasn't that close with at the time. Where as there are some I just don't talk to anymore. Some of it came down to life & changing values -that one is always the weirdest. I think of a couple of friends from my late teens/early twenties and how much we had in common. (a lot of the same values) And somewhere along the way there was this shift. They embraced politics, opinions, ideas that were soooooo different from ones they had prior to marriage. Yeah people change, but the way people can change, can be very odd. (It is a weird weird day when someone you once knew in an entirely different context is telling you that Obama is the anti-Christ, and you see on FB, that they like Fox News.)

tealily

Here's a question. A lot of my friends married earlier in life that me. That means I went to a flurry of weddings for dear, dear friends right after college. Since then, I moved around a few times, and have finally settled down far from home with a man I love, and a wedding is on the horizon. I don't see these friends very often at all anymore. First it was the fact that they married and had kids and I was the single, traveling girl. Now it's the distance. While I don't consider them close friends anymore, they were my childhood/ young adulthood friends. I shared this part of their life with them... is it wrong to ask them to share this part of my life with me?

Does this have to be a symbol of a dying or dead friendship? Can't it just be a recognition that we are Important People to each other and always will be, regardless of what happens in our lives?

Alternatively, do I HAVE to invite them? If I was invited to your wedding, am I expected to reciprocate a decade or more later?

iceberg

@tealily in MY opinion I would expect/not expect an invitiation based only on the relationship at the time of the wedding - I wouldn't be hurt if someone I wasn't close with didn't invite me, but it's not like I'd be offended to receive an invitation I hadn't expected.

packedsuitcase

@tealily Well - I'm in a wedding where I haven't seen the bride in 6 years, we barely spoke for 3 and really only reconnected when I congratulated her on her engagement. But we were very important to each other in high school and college, and we still considered ourselves close - just not the kind of close where you have to talk all the time. I honestly can't picture my own eventual wedding without her in it, so here we are. It's actually brought us closer together and I'm so thrilled to be involved and spend this time in our lives "together" (she's in Oregon, I'm currently in NC about to move to Scotland). So I say yes. If you invite them, do it because there was something beautiful about who you guys were together and you want that to be a part of this celebration.

sevanetta

@tealily I worry about this. When I was invited to various friends' weddings, it has always been as the single girl. Everyone now has two or three kids. I don't want to have a childfree wedding... but man, inviting my friend, her partner, her three kids, if I invite 4 or 5 old friends, that swells the guest list by 16-20 people. And I have a large extended family, but half of them are estranged from my parents, and my partner has a small family and just a couple of good friends who aren't married and don't have kids... And then I think, ok I won't invite my old friend, and then I think, HOW CAN I NOT INVITE MY OLD FRIEND? She may not be able to come, she may not be inclined (most of these are 1000 k's away), but I want to invite her. And what about more recent friends who you were close to two years ago and at the time they WOULD have been your bridesmaid but there's been an awkward falling out between other mutual friends and you don't really talk? I know 'just invite who you are talking to' but my life is so, so much more complicated than that.

tealily

@sevanetta Exactly! I mean, I want it to be a big party with all my favorites at it! Like, a one night only 'Tealily, This Is Your Life.' And probably the only time my various people from all my various places might meet. Which, somehow, seems important.

And speaking of bridesmaids... do I choose the people I would have chosen if I married at 22, or the people I would choose now? Don't want to hurt any feelings, but I also know from years of experience, nobody really wants to be a bridesmaid (although I'm planning to be low key about it. No matching dresses and whatnots.) I mean... are my childhood friends just sitting there, waiting for the call? I don't know!!!

sevanetta

@tealily I'm going to solve that problem by not having bridesmaids. Great idea to not do matching dresses, that causes a lot of the stress. My best friend counselled me yesterday to go with who's important now. Everything I've read suggests you can't avoid upsetting people anyway so may as well get used to it? Argh we are both people pleasers who hyperventilate at the thought of this, aren't we?

tealily

@sevanetta You are absolutely right. I know my fella wants a best man, at least, so I think I'm going to need to have at least a maid/matron of honor. I don't have a current best girl friend though. I think the dude and I will just have to pow wow about this and maybe choose a few friends regardless of gender to stand up for us both.

Good luck!

Stevie

@tealily I am in the same boat! I was a bridesmaid in two weddings shortly after college, but now I'm planning my wedding ten years later, and I don't keep in touch with these girls at all. They were great college friends but our lives have diverged wildly. I see their kid pictures on FB but don't have any interaction with them. We're also trying to keep a small guest list -- so do I invite them or not? I'm leaning towards not, but it is lingering in my mind...

sevanetta

@tealily good luck to you too - all my stuff is hypothetical as yet so I have time to think about it. I sympathise with that thought. I didn't have a best friend for a long time, and I don't have any sisters... Now I have a sister in law and a best friend, but I also have other good friends. If that's your case then having a few people will probably work better. Also I love the idea of having mixed gender bridespeople and groomspeople! that might be your best solution :)

itiresias

I am put off by the paragraph about how his wife lost contact with a friend he didn't care for once she had "taken her side (mine)".

taco doomsday

I'm worried that I'm a last timer and I don't know it. A longtime friend is getting married next week and I thought that I'd be invited but I was not. It seems that all of our mutual friends from our olde timey "group" have been invited. There have been a lot of posts about it popping up on my facebook feed, and on a couple of occasions friends have texted things like "I'll be in town at so-and-so's wedding!", "Do you want to drive to so-and-so's wedding with me?" like they think I'm invited. At one point a mutual friend told me that I was on the invite list, but like I said I'm not. I'm trying not to be a big baby and I want to be a classy adult about things but urgh!

taco doomsday

I'm worried that I'm a last timer and I don't know it. A longtime friend is getting married next week and I thought that I'd be invited but I was not. It seems that all of our mutual friends from our olde timey "group" have been invited. There have been a lot of posts about it popping up on my facebook feed, and on a couple of occasions friends have texted things like "I'll be in town at so-and-so's wedding!", "Do you want to drive to so-and-so's wedding with me?" like they think I'm invited. At one point a mutual friend told me that I was on the invite list, but like I said I'm not. I'm trying not to be a big baby and I want to be a classy adult about things but urgh!

antipretty

@taco doomsday have you mentioned to people that you're not invited? I thought I wasn't invited to my friend's bridal shower after everyone kept talking about getting their invitations and the bride talked to me really enthusiastically about choosing her dress. Sometimes you have to just let it be awkward for 5 minutes and ask "so...when is [the wedding], again?" and let it come out if you're actually invited or not. Especially if you and the to-be-married-friend haven't had any falling out.

In my case, the invitation had literally got lost in the mail, and the shower hostess re-sent my invitation. So yeah, have those 5 awkward minutes and then you'll know for sure either way. Good luck.

in_parenthesis

@taco doomsday I agree with @antipretty. misunderstandings and break downs in communication happen. i know two couples who had small batches of their invitations never make it to the intended recipients (us mail is imperfect afterall!) if other friends seem to think you were invited and there has been no big fight, it seems worth it to try and bring it up. Good luck!

pinniped

If someone asks you to be in their wedding, are you socially obligated to reciprocate? I've recently been asked to be in a few weddings by old friends, which was really sweet considering we don't see each other much anymore. I'd love to have them be in my wedding (whenever that may be) if I could, but I have so many family members and multiple "best" friends I would feel obligated to ask, and I know the whole thing would turn into a clusterf*ck of hurt feelings, so now I almost don't want to have a wedding party at all...

Girl Named Jack

@pennylaner I think it's ok. Of the three ladies in my wedding party, I only was "in" one of their weddings, and I harbored not an iota of ill will. It is way more enjoyable to be a guest than a member of the wedding party, at least from my perspective. Remember, for a non-zero number of women, being in a wedding is a huge chore. If you can figure out who among your group of potentials feels that way, you will be doing them a huge favor by NOT asking.

discombobulated

I like the general philosophy of keeping the cost-per-guest low so that you can err on the side of inviting people, because some of them will be last-timers but others will be friendships that will last well into adulthood, and those aren't easy to come by. That's what I'm taking away from this.

It's much better than that shitty piece about how you should invite your parents' friends that you don't even really like.

sophia_h

Omg do not invite people to your wedding you don't really have a current relationship with. Neither of you really wants to spend the money, and if they come you will probably spend 4.7 minutes with them total and if they don't come they will still be on the etiquette hook for a gift, which is annoying. I mean, maybe if you're inviting everyone else in a certain social circle and they'll be pointedly left out, but otherwise, wedding invites are a pretty good time to look at who's actually in your life and invite them to party with you.

I had 35 people at my wedding and that was actually too many -- I guilt-invited my dad's side who I'm not really close with, because otherwise it would've just been my grandma from that side, and it felt kind of awkward and they didn't really mingle with anyone. I did not invite them to my baby shower next weekend (nine years later, and my grandma is gone now), and in fact I'm sorry I invited some of the people I did, trying to fill out the numbers a little, because I've had a couple declines with "but I'll send a gift!" and now I feel guilty, since I wasn't trying to create an obligation, just have a social event. Lesson learned: even if it's 3 people, invite people to your big life events who are in your life right now.

ifsolitude

I was a last-timer maid of honor, and I feel really weird about it. The bride asked me way early (maybe 2 years pre-wedding?) and...I don't know. She had pretty high expectations (mostly involving planning things like the shower, bachelorette party way ahead of time) that I just was too disorganized/immature to fulfill. And I didn't really like her fiance or the rest of her bridal party, and she didn't really like my boyfriend. By the time of the wedding, I was just...tired. The day of the ceremony, I had a terrible cold, and coughed all the way through, in spite of having cough drops IN MY MOUTH. Then I showed up late to the gift opening--ugh, 2005 me, what was wrong with you? Afterwards, I didn't call her, and she didn't call me. We're FB friends, but nothing more.

Ugh, this depresses me even thinking about it again...

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I think this is going to be me.

I have a pair of friends who are getting married this year. I used to work with the groom, and quickly became close with the bride because she and I would talk to each other a lot when everyone from work would hang out together (which was a lot.) The bride doesn't really have many of her own friends in town, and she gets along with her fiancé's friends and their SOs, but there's a bit of a language barrier there that makes her uncomfortable. (She and I don't have that language barrier.)

I was one of the first people she called when they got engaged. I used to house-sit for them. Now, I barely see her or hear from her, and she didn't even bother to tell me when they had set a date for the wedding. It wasn't supposed to happen for a few more years, and she had wanted to get married in her hometown, then all of a sudden last summer she's surprised when I told her I had no idea they were getting married here and in 2013.

So, basically, I'm not in the wedding and I don't even know when it is. But I helped them collect bottles of wine to use at the reception, which I'm supposedly invited to, and I fully plan on drinking from as many of those bottles as I can.

(ETA: tl;dr I'm selfish and I don't know how to choose friends)

hoo:ha

I just made my guestlist for my wedding in the UK, (I'm a yank, he's a brit) and I thought it was going to be excruciating, but it turned out to be very easy BECAUSE the distance factor means that a lot of the people who I feel obligated to invite won't be able to make it due to finances, so then I am free to invite more of my current, but less historical friends. It's pretty harsh though, that some of the guests have to shell out 1200 bucks for airfare and some just have to hop on a quick train to Cambridge, so I convinced my fiance that we should rent a big house for all the American bridemaids and us to stay in. We're calling it the wedding bunker. I am so excited.

vinylance

Thank you for the link, I will do it like you said for my wedding, I hope to be a memorable toast!

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account