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Friday, June 7, 2013

166

This Wedding Season, Say Yes to Strangers: What I Learned From My Craigslist Date

This past month we learned about a pair of viral Craigslist ads that some nice young men had (successfully) used to find wedding dates. This was old news to me.

In 2008, I was named a bridesmaid against my will, and I prepared to suffer through all the standard requirements that come with the duty. Usually, you simply grin and bear these life necessities, but when the bride vehemently insisted that we all have dates despite the fact that several of us were single, I decided to respond to her myopia with outright insolence, with the support of and in the shared name of my bridal party cohorts.

On July 8, 2008, I posted the following ad to Craigslist:

“seeking awful date for awful wedding (w4m)”

i’m a bridesmaid in a terrible wedding. i need a date to ruin it with, preferably one that is either ridiculously unkempt or too hot to be able to enjoy with a straight face. i’ll buy you however many shots you might need to make it through this endeavor. you send me 25 words or less on why it should be you and a picture. 

I got 57 responses. Two were potentially IRL dateable. Some were clever. Most did not follow the directions. Many fit the prototype for exactly what terrifies people about online dating. There was one offer of “inappropriate groping on the dance floor.” There was an invite to meet at a library to see if we could have fun together, “not sexually speaking.” There were minimal obscenities.

I have a very Dudley-Moore-in-Arthur approach to comedy: I appreciate the idea of a joke as much as the execution. And while I was tempted to let the whole thing end there, I’d unfortunately built some accountability into my prank. I compiled all the responses in a dossier, emailed it to friends and coworkers, and gave them each five votes. I promised to take the winner as my date. Some examples:

i specialize in single desperate girls and open bars. one question, do they have malt liquor or should i bring my own?
I love free food. I am possibly in theory, old enough to be your father, so that would always leave a nice impression
I'm awful I think. no one wants to date me. Im not sure what it is ,but hmm. If I'm not your awful that you had in mind. I can act. Sounds like fun. Free booze doesn't hurt.
dont believe in marriages, dont believe in faithfulness or religion for that matter. ever had tuaca? great shot, i'll have a few with whatevers coldest.
it all depends on how strange you want the date..... im including my pic of me in midevil gear...

I consider it a credit to my friends that they didn’t saddle me with a LARPing wizard. Instead, they had the foresight to think about what would work outside of an email thread, and they didn’t go the mean route (for me or the espoused). Or they just voted for the only guy to follow the rules and include a picture of a butt.

Neither one to shirk nor pre-plan, I did follow through, inviting winning contestant Nick two days before the wedding. He said yes, and I returned to my scrambled haze of bachelorette partying and rehearsal dining giving no consideration to what would happen when I met this stranger on The Big Day.

But then it was upon us. I had day-of bridal duties, so Nick was getting himself to the wedding, which was held on an island on a beautiful summer day. He’d missed a couple sell-out ferries and arrived late. All I knew for certain about Nick was that he was 20 years old and would be wearing a tie, which didn’t give me a lot to go off of—but when I made for the bar after faux-grinning through wedding party photos, something told me that I'd find my date in the middle of the swarm of people at the back of the party. I figured our cover was already blown, that everyone knew I’d brought some freak kid and was a huge wedding-ruining dickhead.

And then I saw Nick. That’s when I fell on the ground laughing.

The day before, you see, I’d gotten locked into a multi-hour stretch with the bride and she kept asking me about my mysterious date. I couldn’t tell her I had scoured the Internet for The Boy Least Likely to Succeed, so I had to make up a mysterious back-story. I’d been at a music festival a few days before, and met a guy in one of the bands, so I just sort of borrowed skeleton details from his life. Which, uh, didn’t totally work with what Nick was working with...

Nick: You told her I was the drummer from The Airborne Toxic Event.

Lindsey: Oh, hi, Nick! Basically, yes. I thought I was being generous in giving you a cool cover. I had spent all morning telling people about my drummer date. But suddenly, there you were. And you had one arm.

Nick: That’s not entirely accurate.

Lindsey: OK, you weren’t Def Leppard one-armed. But you had one arm in a sling and at the time it was very much non-functioning. I had to cut your meat at dinner. Perhaps now is a good time for you to explain how you found my ad in the days before such things went viral.

Nick: I had recently been shot. With a shotgun. At close range. But that is a story for another day. [Update: Or for today, it turns out.] I was out of the hospital but I wasn’t back in school, or working yet. I was significantly drugged and my days were comprised of waking up in the afternoon, watching ESPN, napping, watching more sports, and then watching primetime television. So I’d developed a habit of cruising Craigslist. There’s a lot of bullshit on Craigslist. But then I saw your ad, which was like this holy grail of posts.

Lindsey: In short, you were drug-addled and on bed rest. That is what prompted you, like so many of my beaus, to solicit a date with me. So there we stood. Well—there you stood; I was on the ground laughing. I think I said, “Hi honey. How’s your arm?” And I promptly made up a story about how you’d hurt it stage diving.

Nick: That was just the first wall you had me run into at full speed that night.

Lindsey: I have no idea what you are talking about, “Mike.” A week and a half before the wedding or picking you from amongst my many suitors the bride had requested the names of our dates to print name cards. It was apparently crucial. There were multiple emails, two calls in a row, and many texts about it. So I called up one of the other bridesmaids, freaking out: “I NEED A NAME.”

She was sitting in her living room with her cat. There was a long pause. And then she goes, “Mike Itten.”

Nick: You made me a one-armed drum-playing cat.

Lindsey: So I did. In my defense, both covers worked perfectly fine in a vacuum, even if neither worked at all with who you turned out to be. Oops.

The problem with you being named Nick instead of Mike was that the bride was a Ph.D. candidate, and the groom worked at the university for an undergraduate service project. They’d invited nearly a dozen undergrads to their wedding. A dozen undergrads who all knew “undergrad Nick” not “rock’n’roll drummer Mike Itten.” And Mike definitely didn’t know them. Not once he’d been introduced to our dinner table as Mike, sitting in front of his name card that said Mike. I remember a pretty silly case of mistaken identity when a bunch of kids came up to our wedding party table and wanted to know how some guy named Nick knew the bride and groom.

Nick: Saved by a drunken speech by the father of the bride.

Lindsey: Thank god for drunken fathers. I remember we’d played with a lot of ideas in advance—should we break up on the dance floor? should we get gross in public?—but once you were there, the absurdity of the situation itself was more than enough fun for us.

Nick: I remember the bride did try to be polite and get to know me, and I didn’t really have any direction from you on how to play my part—swooning, boorish? That felt a little high-wire.

Lindsey: I remember that happening. And I remember just kind of throwing my hands up and saying, fuck it. I'd thrown a stranger into such a weirdly intimate yet bizarre exercise for a group of people, and I'd backed us into a sideshow of corners, so we had plenty to work with.

Nick: It was fun. And it was good foxhole bonding.

Lindsey: That’s exactly what it was. It was totally goal-oriented from a shared angle. Friends or family can be fun at weddings, but sometimes, if you're in the trenches, you just want a professional. Not someone who’s going to immerse themselves in the interpersonal politics or have independent needs.

Wait, I think I just accidentally advocated for call girls.

Nick: You did. That is kind of what it was. But the transaction wasn’t money- or sex-based; it was adventure-based. Purely hoodlum. And that’s the whole spirit behind the trend, right? Just looking for someone who is detached from all the otherwise stressful elements and can therefore commit to having fun?

Lindsey: Totally. I wonder how it would have ended for us had we either embraced the wedding whole cloth or admitted our con. But I’m glad we did what we did.

Nick: We made our mark on the scene, left them wanting more, then got the hell out of Dodge.

Lindsey: Indeed. I had concert tickets. And Joe Strummer taught us that if we stay, the trouble could be double. So I invited you to a show, and you accepted. That’s when I knew you were a keeper.

Nick: Likewise. But you were easy to hitch my wagon to—I was underage and you were willing to sneak me into bars to see free concerts. My first bar, in fact! Thanks for that first, and for the lesson.

Lindsey: Thanks for saying yes.

Nick: Can’t have an adventure without saying yes.

Lindsey: We have said yes so many times since then. For the reader’s benefit: we never dated, but you did meet your girlfriend through me.

Nick: By saying yes to another one of your insane ideas. They usually work out, somehow.

Lindsey: Thanks. Improv demands a clever and willing partner, though. So: this wedding season, what should guests do?

Nick: Say yes to strangers. But only if there’s an open bar.

 

 

Related: A Brief Addendum to Our Craigslist Wedding Story

Lindsey Grad and Nick Hassell live in Seattle, where they still regularly attend parties they don't belong at, literally or just metaphysically. 



166 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

wait wait wait i could get dates when i was 20 by going on craigslist and promising to wear booty shorts?!?! i do that for nothing now!

SarahP

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I was actually pretty certain that the third highlighted response was you.

iceberg

@SarahP nah too many capital letters ;)

Linette

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood It's not too late! You could probably still do this, even in your current dotage.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@SarahP 'Free booze doesn't hurt.' is me in all situations

@Linette IM WASHED UP. im not likely to make anyone uncomfortable by sheer proximity anymore ;(

antarcticastartshere

a LARPing wizard who can't spell "medieval" is probably a LARPing wizard who doesn't actually get invited to LARP that often.

par_parenthese

@antarcticastartshere Ha! You beat me to it! Like, bro, I'm down with LARPing wizards but I am not down with people who can't spell the time period they're LARPing.

pallasathena

@antarcticastartshere Maybe he wasn't a LARPing wizard at all, but just a guy wearing some halfway evil costume? Like... half a dalmatian fur coat? A dalmatian vest? I can't think of any evil costumes except for Cruella De Vil's, I guess.

fondue with cheddar

@antarcticastartshere I chose to read "midevil gear" as "m'devil gear" (like m'lady) which would maybe be a Satanesque butler suit.

Summer Somewhere

@antarcticastartshere Hey man, "medieval" is hard to spell! Give the kid a break. He didn't know he was going to get published on the internet. On the other hand, the person who did know she was getting published seems to believe that wizards wear armor, which is fucking laughable. /nerd rage

fondue with cheddar

@Summer I missed that part! I suppose if he cast ironskin...

Elsajeni

@Summer Somewhere He just said "gear"! Wizards have gear!

fondue with cheddar

@Elsajeni A staff in the hand and a familiar in the pocket!

antarcticastartshere

@Summer Somewhere @Elsajeni @fondue with cheddar guys, guys, we already determined this kid does not know how to spell "medieval" why would he be knowledgeable about the correct accoutrements of a wizard? He cannot even look this information up on the internet, there are no search results for "midevil wizardry."

fondue with cheddar

@antarcticastartshere Maybe he's just chaotic neutral?

Summer Somewhere

@antarcticastartshere You write as if LARPing requires any actual historical knowledge or mastery of written language.

Elsajeni

@fondue with cheddar Wand of magic missile, so he doesn't have to waste spell slots on it.

queenofbithynia

MIKE ITTEN

I would date any of those five runner-up examples for real, except, perhaps, the wizard. can't get that kind of quality on okcupid. at least, I can't.

"I'm awful I think"

how can four small words be so seductive

Emby

@queenofbithynia Well that's pick-up artist ammo if I've ever seen it.

queenofbithynia

@Emby no way, pick-up artists are the ones who say they think you're awful. that has no effect on me. I just like misery is all.

edit: oh no, perhaps it is I who am the pickup artist

allendaniel

So happy right now.@a

par_parenthese

I... omg... I just... this is amazing. AMAZING. I want to kiss both of you, lingeringly, right on your crazy adventure-having faces.

par_parenthese

I seriously cannot get over how great this is. I love it forever.

Lucienne

@par_parenthese I agree, and also I would like to hear more about their adventures.

par_parenthese

@Lucienne ME TOO HEY EMMA THIS NEEDS TO BE A SERIES LIKE WHOA.

Lucienne

@par_parenthese MAYBE THEY CAN BE THE NEW A LADY/A DUDE

Lucienne

@Lucienne Maybe I only think this because I'm an introvert but get bored easily. And would never write to an advice column.

Linette

@par_parenthese I may or may not be planning a lot of craigslist ads to do crazy things and meet all my new best friends now.

dj pomegranate

@Linette What if we all do that AND THEN WE ALL FIND EACH OTHER ON CRAIGSLIST? It would be perfect.

Escapade Dunfree

@par_parenthese Like the piña colada song, but not awful!

Miss Maszkerádi

Oh my god this is so fantastic.
I WANT AN ADVENTURE!! Is Craigslist really the place to find an adventure?! I've always figured that even looking at Craigslist for anything will inevitably end with my bloody corpse in a suitcase in a back alley in Jersey, but maybe it's actually full of goofy adorable characters living indie comedy plot lines....

Lily Rowan

@Miss Maszkerádi That's the thing about adventures -- you don't know which you're going to get ahead of time!

wallsdonotfall

@Miss Maszkerádi I have had many adventures through Craigslist, usually starting with "I want to go do X but no one will go with me!" MOST of them led to delightful casual sex but NONE of them started out looking for that, so it's very good for fulfilling occasional whims with zero expectations or commitment. (And since you'll probably get a few dick pics even if you just want to go mini-golfing with your elderly aunts, you get to be as capricious and judgmental as you want.)

amelia!

@Miss Maszkerádi I have friends who met on Craigslist! They're married and they just had their first baby! I imagine they might be the minority, but still, it's possible...

antarcticastartshere

MIKE ITTEN THIS IS GREAT.

antarcticastartshere

@antarcticastartshere WHY ISN'T THIS POST TAGGED MIKE ITTEN.

Emma Carmichael

@antarcticastartshere ON IT

packedsuitcase

@Emma Carmichael So happy this is now tagged as MIKE ITTEN and MIKE FUCKING ITTEN

stonefruit

Nick: I had recently been shot. With a shotgun. At close range. But that is a story for another day.

Oh no, Nick/Mike. No, no, no. That is a story for right this minute.

antarcticastartshere

@stonefruit I vote if NickMike doesn't appear in the comments to tell this story in the next ten minutes we tell this story FOR HIM.

stonefruit

@antarcticastartshere IN. Just spitballing, but I think Cheney might have been involved.

Nick Mikail@twitter

@stonefruit You are officially the 14th person to make a Cheney joke about my shooting.

antarcticastartshere

@Nick Mikail@twitter NICK TELL THE STORY.

MashaNigel

@stonefruit They're holding back on some of the details so they can still surprise us when the movie comes out. Right?
Please let this become a movie.

iceberg

@MashaNigel Kristen Wiig, obviously, and... hmm. I don't know enough younger dudes to cast Mike Itten.

par_parenthese

@iceberg HOOOOOOOTTTTT NEVIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLE

stuffisthings

Glad that the need to log in prevented me from making the Cheney joke first.

I really dodged a bullet there.

iceberg

@iceberg Ooh Donald Glover? Maybe not young enough.

par_parenthese

@stuffisthings HEYOOO

Lucienne

@iceberg He still looks about fifteen, and he gives good side-eye...

stonefruit

@Nick Mikail@twitter YES. I have always wanted to be the 14th person to make a joke!

A. Louise

@par_parenthese I wish I could like this twice, my god, you are brilliant

packedsuitcase

@Nick Mikail@twitter NickMike is here and this makes everything wonderful.

antarcticastartshere

@packedsuitcase NickMike tell the storrrryyyyyyyy I don't CARE that you could write it and submit it somewhere for money, tell it in the comments of this lady website RIGHT NOWWWWW.

iceberg

@Nick Mikail@twitter we love youuuu tell us the story!!!

Amphora

@Nick Mikail@twitter My question is, why did you end up with a pseudonym in the first place? She knew your real name from the first email!

Then again Mike Itten is a perfect name.

dj pomegranate

@iceberg Just gonna comment here so I'm notified when MikeNike replies with his story. We're all waiting, NickMike.

aphrabean

@dj pomegranate LIKEWISE.

Heat Signature

@Nick Mikail@twitter TELL THE STORY! TELL THE STORY! TELL THE STORY! I'm chanting, but it doesn't really translate into this comment.

Linette

@dj pomegranate Seconded. Must know! Must not forget to check later! Must do actual work today and cannot be refreshing this page every two seconds.

Guys, who are we kidding, I am totally refreshing this page every two seconds even though I'm getting a notification. NickMiiiiike tell us tell us tell us!

paper bag princess

@Nick Mikail@twitter I also want the story!!!! pleeeease!!

steponitvelma

@stonefruit Also just thread hopping for the story notification.

Nick Mikail@twitter

@Amphora I don't think Lindsey had picked me as eligible bachelor #12 yet. I was selected 2 days before the wedding, the seating chart (with name cards) was probably not put together with that level of recklessness.

iceberg

@stonefruit http://thehairpin.com/2013/06/a-brief-addendum-to-the-craigslist-wedding-story y'all EMMA DELIVERS

stonefruit

@iceberg EMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA!

What a lovely and well-timed treat for my lunch break!

hallelujah

While I absolutely advocate putting harmless absurdity into the universe whenever possible, and Mike Itten is delightful, I am confused by something: why would you agree to be a bridesmaid for someone you at least kind of despise, enough so to use their wedding as an experimental internet performance art piece? Or am I being too sensitive?

iceberg

@hallelujah I'm guessing family obligation.

antarcticastartshere

@hallelujah it is the law of large weddings that at least one bridesmaid hates the bride.

hallelujah

@antarcticastartshere D: I've never been in a wedding and have only been to one, so I'm a little out of my depth here, but that's terrible! Although, generally, so is the wedding-industrial complex so it makes sense.

par_parenthese

@hallelujah My thought was also family politics -- she's the groom's sister/cousin or something and gets pity-asked/obligation-asked to be in the wedding and can't refuse. Happened to me.

C_Webb

@antarcticastartshere Please to use this sentence as the beginning for your (next?) novel.

Noelle O'Donnell

@hallelujah Yess, the only big wedding I've ever been to consisted of several girls who were supposedly close friends of the bride, but then proceeded to talk major shit about her in the bathroom and were embarrassingly drunk/high from start to finish. It was a lot like the movie, "Bachelorette".

MilesofMountains

@hallelujah If a bride got bridezilla enough to demand that I find a man to date just to improve the photos/balance genders or whatever the reasoning is, I'd do some passive-aggressive protesting no matter how much I loved her. I don't know if I'd be as balls-out bold as Lindsey, but I like her style.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@hallelujah One of my friends had a falling out with her bridesmaid in the year between asking her to be in the wedding party and the wedding itself. The falling out was unrelated to the wedding, and one of those situations where things are tense, but the friendship's not definitively over. Neither wanted to make the statement of asking/choosing to dropping out of the wedding.

So I could see a scenario like that where it starts off happily, then things unravel, and then indignities like being forced to bring a date despite being single push the bridesmaid over the edge into Craiglist performance art.

Amphora

@hallelujah Maybe they were friends until the chick decided to up and plan a huge wedding in the middle of a PhD? Recipe for disaster right there!

hallelujah

@MilesofMountains Oh yeah, that's inexcusable. The bride was clearly a monster, but it sounds like she was before the wedding, which is why I was a little confused as to why she'd agree to be a bridesmaid in the first place. I get the family obligations though, especially an in-law.

packedsuitcase

@TheclaAndTheSeals I was drinking a soda and then I reached "Craigslist performance art" and that's when I had to decide between choking and cleaning cherry Coke off of my work laptop.

Harriet Welch

@hallelujah Eh, I can see this with old childhood friends, high school best friends etc. My BFF from high school appointed herself Maid of Honor for my wedding. I am ridiculously close with her family even though I don't really jive with her anymore. Her not being in my wedding would have been a gigantic explodey kind of deal and I wasn't ready to handle it.
It is probably just that she used to be closer with the bride, they grew apart, but there was some lingering weird obligation to do stuff like that.

supernintendochalmers

@hallelujah Yeah... I don't know. This seemed a little mean to me. I get family obligations and complaining about bridesmaid duties, but setting out to ruin the wedding is like... just don't go, then. But in the end they weren't really disruptive, so I guess it's not a big deal.

katzenklavier

@hallelujah Ehh, sometimes weddings are a really annoying scene even if you like the people involved. I think she writer was mostly kidding about wanting to ruin it! She was just amusing herself and making fun of the policy that you have to have a date... Plus weddings have a weird high emotion/energy vibe that makes everything funnier.

RebeccaKW

@MilesofMountains I agree. I don't know that I would have gone to Craigslist; I might've just bought either a huge stuffed bear, put a tie on him, and wagged him around as my date or possibly had an imaginary date. And told the bride 'you never said the date had to be a real human person.'

Also, I think if she really wanted to 'ruin' the wedding, she'd totally have picked the LARPing wizard, instead of a nice guy with a fake name and backstory.

Summer Somewhere

@RebeccaKW Yeah, how sad for her to have to be seen in public with a nerd. Everyone knows nerds ruin everything. Can't take us anywhere.

ThatWench

@Summer Somewhere: Thanks for helping keep up the defense of us nerds around here. :)

@all: I can see winding up at wedding day with a strong desire to be passive-aggressive about all the "supposed to"s that get assigned to wedding party. I think there's a fairly common story in: "agree to be a bridesmaid without realizing how controlling this bride would be; demands start to come in one at a time; by the time the wedding is upon you, the dress is bought & altered, other sunk costs, etc; at no time has the resentment of one demand at a time simmered over into full-fledged confrontation; and then the day is less than a week away, and it's just easier to get it over with."

This particular "rebellion" seems like the most-awesome way to do it; in the case of the wedding in my life, this was mostly just expressed through terrible nail polish (awesome) and at least one bridesmaid vowing to never speak to the couple again after the wedding (much less awesome).

Quinn A@twitter

I loved this! I love that they still hang out. I love that they called him "Mike Itten". And now I want something like this to happen at my wedding, though I am unwilling to force dates on my single loved ones to make it happen, because wtf.

dj pomegranate

@Quinn A@twitter Seriously, the bride was asking for hijinks by forcing dates. wtf.

queenofbithynia

@Quinn A@twitter how to make it happen at your own wedding: raise the bar for this business and find the groom on craigslist the weekend before the ceremony. Tell none of your guests.

dj pomegranate

@queenofbithynia Bonus points for telling select people on each side (bride's side, groom's side) a different "how we met" story.

Quinn A@twitter

@queenofbithynia Ha! Were I not already pretty committed to marrying this lady (thousands of dollars worth of commitment oh my God)...

dj pomegranate

@Quinn A@twitter It's not too late! You can still inject Craigslist hijinks into your nuptials. Perhaps you can find an officiant on CL? Bartender? All the bridesmaids? Lots of options here.

RNL
RNL

@Quinn A@twitter Every single person at your wedding must bring a stranger craigslist date, and wear a nametag that says "shame".

Harriet Welch

@dj pomegranate All of the bridesmaids!!!!! YES! That would be the best.

karenb

@dj pomegranate there's an urban!toronto legend of someone crowdsourcing a ragtag band for their city hall wedding. "do you play an intrument? are you available at date/time? come play at our wedding!" which i think is amazing.

RebeccaKW

@dj pomegranate I love all the bridesmaids being CL-based. I thought maybe the reception entertainment. You could probably find lots of great options-a man making balloon animals for 3 hours straight. A monologue performance.

dj pomegranate

@karenb This is amazing. Why didn't I do that at my city hall wedding?

@RebeccaKW Not making this up, I make balloon animals. Anyone getting married and want some entertainment? I can do city hall!

brb posting on CraigsList

RebeccaKW

@dj pomegranate I think that would be great. First of all, balloon animals. Second, all your guests will be wondering if it's going to be a sad band or a terrible dj, and then out comes the balloon animal guy. Unforgettable wedding.

                      O

This is awesome, but the sucker romantic in me wished y'all had ended up together. I'm about to go hit up craigslist and try to find a wedding to go to with a stranger.

C_Webb

@drydenlane Pretty sure that in the movie version they will.

allofthewine

@drydenlane it's a perfect meet-cute.

City_Dater

@C_Webb

I think this movie already exists! Maybe without the Craigslist wrinkle, but I feel sure I saw it one afternoon, on the sofa nursing a cold. Unless it was a fever dream constructed after falling asleep in front of the Lifetime Movie channel.

Heat Signature

@C_Webb And then in the movie version, the ACTUAL Airborne Toxic Event will play at their wedding reception!

C_Webb

@City_Dater You made a Frankenstein's Monster movie out of all the other movies!

smidge

@City_Dater I think it's real and has Debra Messing in it.

flimflannery

@City_Dater Yes! She hires an escort to go to her sister's wedding! (Dermot Mulrooney/Dylan McDermot whatever).

whimsy

@drydenlane Yup, It's called "The Wedding Date" if I remember correctly.... and Dermot Mulruney (Sp??) is the guy....

C.SanDiego

@whimsy I quote this movie ALL OF THE TIME, and no one ever gets it.

When they're at the bar, and Debra's sister is hammered, and she falls into her and slurs "you're my half sister but I whole love you!"

My half sister is not at all impressed by it.

smidge

@C.SanDiego I am whole impressed by it.

lindseygrad

@smidge and it's great.

LilRedCorvette

"If I'm not your awful that you had in mind, I can act"

Perfection.

HereKitty

@LilRedCorvette You take him, I'll take the malt liquor dude, and then at least if they're ax murderers, we'll die a horrible death together.

JessicaLovejoy

I wish I lived in a platonic sitcom tooooooooo :(

packedsuitcase

I want to hang out with both of you so badly right now, it's not even funny.

Noelle O'Donnell

I would take all of those Cragislist potentials and rotate them out for big events: work party, family reunion, wedding, etc.
especially Mr. i'm awful i think. Why that's so appealing I don't know.

whizz_dumb

I'm no lawyer, but I think there's some pretty damning evidence of "Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor" going on here. But I'm also not a cop. So carry on.

Miss Maszkerádi

@whizz_dumb er, 20 isn't a minor?

whizz_dumb

@Miss Maszkerádi "Contributing to Underage Drinking"? Where are we, Seattle? If I were sitting at that table, I'd head-first dive across it and swat the wine glass out his hand just before he took a sip. Them's the rules.

Miss Maszkerádi

@whizz_dumb oh, right, i forgot that in this country we think that a person is mature enough to go to war at 18 but heaven forbid anyone have a glass of wine before 21.
A law that stupid deserves to be broken. I'm not advocating alcohol consumption by actual minors, or irresponsible boozing by anyone, but once you're a legal adult in every other situation, you should be allowed adult beverages. I broke the 21-law (first drink at 18) so did everyone else I know, and we're all fine.

dj pomegranate

@Miss Maszkerádi I have always been an upright, law-abiding citizen and I remember when I first realized that you could smoke, die for your country, lose everything at the slot machine, and get married at 18...but you couldn't buy a glass of wine. I was mid-teens and recall this fondly as my very first inkling that "wait...sometimes laws...don't make sense...?!?!"

flimflannery

@whizz_dumb And in Washington State, your body is a container! So he could be a Minor In Possesion were that awful liquor to pass his lips!! ~gasp~!

whizz_dumb

@Miss Maszkerádi My responsible boozing is another's irresponsible boozing. The best advice to younger ones is "don't get caught".

iceberg

@whizz_dumb My Aussie nephew won't come to visit me until he turns 21 because obviously.

whizz_dumb

@iceberg Yeah those are some people who can and do drink. This coming from someone who exemplifies the drunk Irish stereotype.

MilesofMountains

@iceberg When my Aussie cousin came to visit us her dad bought her a fake ID so she could still drink. So, you know, options!

Das Rad

See, this is why things are "based" on a true story or "inspired" by a true story: because you two are supposed to end up in love at the end. I totally would have forgiven you both if you decided to Mike Daisey this story for our benefit.

Amphora

@Das Rad I love that Mike Daisey is a verb now. We can't James Frey things any more?

lindseygrad

@Das Rad nicky is a math major and I'm autistic. we can't make up stories. life is stranger than fiction if you do it right.

TheRisottoRacket

Is this the post where we talk about wedding dates? Because I have a question!

Mira

@TheRisottoRacket GO FOR IT

(I have no qualifications on this topic)

hallelujah

@TheRisottoRacket DO IT. I'm planning my wedding right now & I want to make my pals' date situations the least stressful they can be!

TheRisottoRacket

One of my good friends is getting married in August in Kansas City, MO. I live in Chicago. I'm in a solid serious relationship with someone. I'd love for him to come but tickets and hotel prices are a lot higher than I initially assumed they would be I told my bf that he didn't have to come if he didn't feel comfortable paying $500+ for the weekend so he's declined so far. I'm hoping ticket prices will go down but... Is it weird if I don't bring him? I'm fine with it, but everyone else I've talked to has been appalled that he wouldn't automatically come with me. Am I being a pushover?

Guess this is more of a relationship question, whoops!

Mira

@TheRisottoRacket I...hope not? I've been to plenty of weddings alone because my partner of 7+ years works all the time. Some weddings have been super fun by myself, others have not. (To be fair, that's often true with a significant other there anyway.) If you're genuinely fine with it, then it doesn't make much sense to ask him to pay that much just to alleviate other people's concerns. In my opinion, anyway. Some people wouldn't be okay with it, but it sounds like you are, so I think it's best not to worry about it.

C.SanDiego

@TheRisottoRacket

I would say that at $500+ for the weekend it's solidly okay for him to decline, particularly since it's the wedding of a good friend and, ostensibly, you'll know everyone there. If he were also close with your friend I would maybe think differently, but no, I don't think you're being a pushover.

Lurkasaurus

@TheRisottoRacket hey, I actually recently attended a friend's wedding in KC unaccompanied by my longtime SO due to too-high flight prices! Everyone was a little disappointed they didn't get to meet him and I spent some time rocking the third/fifth wheel status, but there was zero judgment (and who? would even do that? I'm sorry but "appalled"??? Who are these people and where is the $500+ they are going to loan you to appease them?) and I had a perfectly grand time. You'll be fine :)

par_parenthese

@TheRisottoRacket I am not even a little appalled. Who on earth just has a SPARE five hundred bucks lying around?

stinapag

@TheRisottoRacket in April, I went to a wedding in Mexico without my husband, in part because of cost and in part because he had school and work. No one blinked an eye. I stayed with two girlfriends and had a blast. He was really glad I had a good time. He even remotely djed, by putting the three playlists together for the wedding, and he technically djed two gigs at the same time that night.

ThatWench

@TheRisottoRacket The partner and I have come to an understanding where we don't always even go to each other's various coworker-social things. As in, we're each much happier with the other staying home to play video games. So, yes: if he doesn't want to spend half a grand and a whole weekend on uncomfortable plane rides and fancy attire and lots and lots of strangers, I totally sympathize. And it sounds like you do, too, so everyone else can keep their opinions to themselves..

frenz.lo

I am so utterly charmed by every aspect of this story, but what I want to know is, did you ever let the bride know, and was she SO MAD?

Nick Mikail@twitter

@frenz.lo Only if she read's The Hairpin!

Janesy

I love this story so hard, and you need to write a screenplay of it IMMEDIATELY. I used to write screenplays for many years until a major tech meltdown killed my writing spirit, but this...this makes me want to scurry home and jam out 100 pages RIGHT NOW.

lora.bee

Craigslist!! This is not quite the same, but my friend got a roommate from Craigslist and he turned out to be one of the greatest people I will ever know and is basically our German brother.

C.SanDiego

@lora.bee I found roommates on Craigslist with whom I lived for 4 years and who remain very dear friends.

Yay Craigslist!

Emma Peel

I sort of love that you didn't ever date, actually! Because realistically, the odds of you guys staying together forever'n'ever after a blind meet-cute are pretty slim, but now you have an enduring friendship, and that is maybe just as awesome an outcome.

lindseygrad

@Emma Peel maybe next we will tell the story of losing touch and then reuniting. it involves the classiest case of the bartender delivering a drink bought from a stranger in history.

Emma Peel

@lindseygrad YES PLEASE!!!

omgkitties

@lindseygrad there are so many stories! A saga! (Seconding the 'yes please!'.)

vunder

Are you still friends with the bride? Is she as awful as she sounds?

honey cowl

Oh my god you guys are the best & I live in your city can we be friends?!

lindseygrad

@honey cowl maybe. name three bars you like and your spirit animal and nicky and i will consider it.

Daisy Razor

You told her I was the drummer from The Airborne Toxic Event.

That was the moment this tipped over into magic territory for me. My "Mike Itten" I was silently howling. You guys made a rainy Friday much brighter.

yrouttasight

The bride REQUIRED the bridesmaid to have dates? The cost per head at my wedding is enough for me to secretly hope some of my friends dump their significant others.

bowtiesarecool

@yrouttasight Oh, thank God I'm not the only one doing this. I'm quietly hoping for all kinds of unforeseen scheduling conflicts to come up between now and the big (RSVP) day. I like you friends-n-family folks, but maybe not all at the same time when I am trying not to violate fire code.

yrouttasight

@bowtiesarecool I'm trying so desperately to keep the guest count under control, but there are definitely people I have invited that are purely obligatory (a couple of cousins who I'm not close with who I actually think are kind of awful but would start WWIII in my family if I didn't invite them AND their spouses). I'm kind of hoping that since I've made a "no kids" policy that will interfere with some of the attendance.

bowtiesarecool

@yrouttasight Guest lists have this weird way of metastasizing. It is the worst. We're inviting kids but having a late evening wedding, so maybe it'll have the same effect. Or not. Maybe it'll be a fiasco! TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING NOW, OH GOD.

yrouttasight

@yrouttasight You're going to have a great time, and get married to the person that you love. Everything is going to be fine, I promise :)

sheistolerable

As a nice person who just got married, can I just say that this is ONLY OK if the marrying folks are being this unreasonable? Please don't bring randos to the weddings of nice people for lulz.

Mira

@sheistolerable Just out of curiosity, if you get a "+1", don't you get to make that 1 anyone you want? I don't really get what's wrong with bringing a stranger (reasonably well-behaved, inoffensive, etc.) to someone's wedding.

whizz_dumb

@Mira How do you know they are reasonably well-behaved, inoffensive, after 2 drinks if they're a stranger? Otherwise, $. Plus, if more single people go to weddings alone, then we can first-time meet at weddings and have a legit romantic beginning to a relationship--however long it lasts. There's a good chance hotel rooms are already booked, you know?

Heike

Wonderful, hilarious article.
MIKE FUCKING ITTEN

HildaSat04

If you think Judith`s story is impressive,, a month-ago my uncles best friend got paid $4372 sitting there a fifteen hour week from there apartment and they're friend's sister`s neighbour was doing this for 10-months and recieved a check for over $4372 parttime at there mac. apply the tips on this site.. Bow6.com

296248062@twitter

This one is good. keep up the good work!.. sbothai

nogara_sky

It's a shame we can't hold more of our leaders truly accountable for the results, intended and unintended, that thibcbetey produce. But then we'd have to bring back the guillotine.

marynela

I know what you mean, it is quite simple to do it especially if you must give a groom's father speech here! We will see!

Normy B

That's a great idea for a wedding!

Jonas Ruess

This text is priceless. Where can I find out more? Real Racing 3 Hack

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