Previously: The Yeezus Pie
Ann Friedman is her own +1.
marriage, ann friedman, pie charts, SCOTUS
50% for the tax benefits.
50% for the health insurance.
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So jealous of the kitchenware.
@supernintendochalmers my knee-jerk negative reaction to the idea of getting married gets so much weaker when I think of the kitchen appliances that might be involved...
@supernintendochalmers The kitchenware is really the only convincing slice of pie for me. But then I remember it would be cheaper to just buy all the Le Creuset of my dreams than to pay for an actual wedding.
@Beatrix Kiddo GOOD POINT
50% opportunity to have an inappropriate first-dance song.
50% opportunity to get a KitchenAid mixer.
@maybe partying will help GIRRRRRRRL CRAIGLIST.
I got a professional series kitchenaid for 200. It. Is. My. Bay. Bee.
@maybe partying will help Ditto to Craigslist. I got my vintage 1950's cast iron Kitchenaid for $5. In case you think I missed a zero, $5, ain't no zeros.
@maybe partying will help They go on sale every year circa winter holidays, too.
Best gift I ever bought for me.
@maybe partying will help 100% for the KitchenAid mixer and all other awesome cooking supplies.
ps- after reading all the comments I am extremely pleased that I am in such a large club of "getting married for the stand mixer"
however if we are being real, I would probably stock a wedding registry with, like, the most tricked-out Super Soakers and a 3DS instead of Useful Grown Person's Items.
@maybe partying will help My badass grandma got me a KitchenAid when I moved into my first apartment by myself. Because she may have been born in the '20s, but she knows I don't need no man to cook for.
My mom gave me a KitchenAid for Christmas last year; I think it was a "your sisters were legally allowed to get married and then showered with gifts and you haven't gotten any presents for loving and living with the same person for seven years, so here is something they never had to pay for due to heteronormativity and it's only fair you didn't have to either" kind of gift. I love it; it's cobalt blue.
@maybe partying will help They also go on sale during Black Friday, that's how my cousin got hers.
@maybe partying will help A wedding I'm going to this summer has a PS4 on their registry and some DVD box sets, amongst the usual kitchen stuff.
@maybe partying will help Mine is cobalt, too! It was a birthday present from my parents. That was the birthday my mom casually mentioned that it was okay if I was gay, and that even though most of my family wouldn't understand she would still love me. I'm not gay...
@SmartCookie Oh my god, this is so funny. I'm not laughing at you; it is just funny. Maybe cobalt blue mixers are what parents give their kids now when they think their kids are gay? Mine already knew I am gay, but at least you reaped the rewards before correcting her...
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Well they can't give a toaster, you get that from the Gay Council.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose - Oh man, my mom has bought me cobalt blue kitchenaid stuff and several times told me "You know, we'd all be okay with it if you were gay." (I'm not.) This might be a 'a thing'.
@Apocalypstick Yeah; they decided a fruit basket was a little too on the nose.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose In retrospect I shouldn't have told her so soon. I bet I could have milked it for at least the ice cream attachment, maybe the pasta one too!
@SmartCookie You still have a shot! "Oh man, mom, it is sooo hard to find the right PERSON. If I ever THIS PERSON, I sure hope I've got homemade ice cream or pasta to offer THEM..." etc. Work it.
@maybe partying will help
When I got married I had never really cooked and didn't see how regular cooking could require a stand mixer so I just registered for a nice hand mixer.
I regret it daily now that I have actually learned to cook.
@leon s My unindicted co-conspirator and I are gay, out to everyone, and no one has ever bought us a KitchenAid mixer. We had to buy our own. We got a nice set of china from the 1940s though when we bought the apartment we live in now (service for 16! napkin rings, gravy boat, butter dish, and etc.) so there's that. My mother-in-law is the best.
100% Tricked out married-people kitchens.
I am only going to register at William Sonoma. Everyone else can give to charity but at least one of my guest needs to donate to my (currently nonexistent) le cruset collection.
@DullHypothesis This only helps people with in striking distance of Texas but the major grocery chain here, H.E.B. has a full range of enamaled cast iron in bright ass colors for like 1/10 la creuset prices. I am absolutely buying all of it before I leave.
@DullHypothesis When I got married, Mr. Citizen and I received a gorgeous Potter Barn punch bowl and ladle from some friends of my parents'. It's in storage, but just knowing it exists makes me feel a lil' squishy inside.
@DullHypothesis Yup, at least 50% Le Creuset lust over here.
@DullHypothesis I heard this story that Le Creuset will replace any f'ed item, part of a lifetime guarantee, and some people trawl for really damaged pots and pans, send them in, and have built whole sets this way.
Tricked-out married people kitchens + only way conservative Italian family will be actually cool with you moving in with a dude
@cosmia Yeah, mine was like 70% "the only way we can sleep in the same room when we visit my parents."
As a married person, I am please to learn that none of you were paying very much attention to my kitchen!
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I concur, but am also sad not to have received all of this awesome kitchenware. Where is my stand mixer?!
@does it need saying
Or food processor! C. is strongly hinting that the pre-marriage combo blender/food processor is INADEQUATE for her MASSIVE FOOD PROCESSING NEEDS. So, I'm on on the lookout for the biggest good one I can get. Hints?
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll You know the best thing about the food processor I received as a wedding gift? Its packaging included a French translation, which referred to it as a "robot culinaire".
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Every said it upstream, but Craigslist. Or, if money is not the issue, and it's just knowing what the hell to purchase, my chef boo swears by our Cuisinart massive processor. Or, or, or, if money REALLY isn't an issue get a VitaMix, there is one on our wedding registry and he checks everyday to see if someone's bought it. (No one has :( This makes him so very sad. :( )
@Elsajeni my mom's ancient food processor is a robot coupe from before they started labeling them as cuisinarts in the states.
50% new kitchenware
50% new towels and other
25% KitchenAid Stand Mixer
25% Entering into joint custody over husband's bad ass television
50% Having someone there to put clothes on you and drive you to the ER when you slip in the shower and dislocate your shoulder.
@Kateness 100% entering into joint custody of husband's Kitchen Aid stand mixer
And cake! Don't forget cake.
My parents, when I was growing up, were like: don't get married until you're 30. In fact, you don't have to get married at all. But if you do, please elope. And send your mother some cake.
@LiterarySara Just read that link. Holy cow, wedding cake-related deaths! This sounds like a remarkable way to go.
@LiterarySara The cake was the best part of my wedding. It was amazing. Actually, it was the best part of my marriage.
@crane your neck Remarkable? yes! Desirable? . . . well, remember that the deadly cakes would have been dark fruitcakes.
*trying to avoid the word "bittersweet"*
@LiterarySara You rang?
@Bittersweet Really? I didn't say it three times into a mirror. . . .
@LiterarySara C'mon now, I'm Bittersweet, not the Candyman.
20% Always having someone there to wake up and force me out of bed when the alarm goes off.
@penultimate toothpaste squeeze Aww!
My cat has been meow-screaming when we sleep in, too. So ya know, marry a cat.
@supernintendochalmers I married like five cats yesterday once the SCOTUS said I could, so I shouldn't miss a day of work this year!
@penultimate toothpaste squeeze
Maaaan, I have the exact opposite thing happen! Whenever my alarm goes off at 6:50, my husband rolls over and snuggles with me, and the cat comes and sits on my arm. NOW IS NOT CUDDLE TIME.
@penultimate toothpaste squeeze I am so much better at getting up and out of bed when I sleep with my sweetie. I sleep more deeply/soundly alone, but waking up next to him is The Best.
@blushingflower That's because I wake you up with the kiss alarm :)
25% kitchenaid mixer, 25% having a party with all our friends, 25% love or something whatever, and 25% INSANE AMOUNTS OF GOLD INDIAN JEWELRY FROM MY GRANDMA
@Jaya oh dude, my boyfriend's white/German boss married into an Indian family and she was NOT prepared for the level of gold jewelry she'd be required to own / wear
@Jaya i'm with you, girl. bedazzled brides!!!
50% the alt-text
25% picking a perfect first-dance song
@Judith Slutler I had the perfect first-dance song...which my dad cut in on halfway through because he was too impatient to wait for the father-daughter dance.
(Love ya, Dad.)
We didn't register for anything because we moved across the country w/ a Uhaul trailer immediately after our honeymoon. Even though I really like kitchen stuff, I never really think about how I missed out on an opportunity to get a bunch of stuff. And then I see a chart like this and it all comes crashing down on me: I could have gotten a stand mixer.
@ms. alex I eloped (in town? does it still count) and also did not register, but I still think slowly adding together the kitchen collection of my dreams > having a wedding.
@garli Yessss! Not to mention that ading things piece by piece means they actually get a lot of use when they're new because they're the one exciting new thing. If I got a lot of new things at once, I'd probably stick most of them in a cupboard and not end up using them at all.
If I'd known beforehand, it would have been for the towels, but mine was 50% need a piece of paper to prove our love/commitment, 50% easily spellable last name.
25% Fancy hairdo and dress
25% my mom will stop thinking i'm a slut
25% chance to make my friends wear extreme/regrettable dresses of my choosing (i'll buy)
25% watching my grandparents dance to 90s hip hop
25% permanent travel partner
75% love and affection for one another
10% new kitchen things
5% he's gonna do my taxes for the rest of ever
edit: ok I also love my lime green stand mixer so that can be like 9 of the 10% I allotted for new kitchen things
@Scandyhoovian Stand mixers come in lime green!?
I actually told my friend at his wedding (after he told me the story of how I apparently used my birthday karma to troll the fuck out of him and his now-wife with my wedding gifts) that I kind of wanted to get married just so people would buy me the kind of bed linens they had on their registry, the kind my boyfriend will never let me buy because they are too expensive for something the cat will probably destroy. (I mean, he's not *wrong*, but I WANT THEM.)
Also I want to get married because I would like my grandmother to see one of her grandchildren get married, and I'm the oldest and closest to marriage and she's not in very good shape. :/ But I can't marry my boyfriend until I've finished school because suddenly I'll have money and won't be able to pay for school with grants anymore (but would not have enough money to comfortably pay tuition out of pocket).
@squishycat Oo, what were the trollish gifts? (If you don't mind).
@Apocalypstick The gifts themselves were not trollish, just the manner of their arrival.
Apparently, during all the week-before-the-wedding last-minute stuff and gift cataloging, a box arrived at my friend's place. It was a very ordinary box from Macy's, the kind you need two arms to carry because of width but not weight. Inside this box was another box, square, about 5x5. Inside the box, carefully, lovingly cradled in tissue paper to protect it from damage, was... a single, solitary dish towel.
(Everything else arrived a day or so later, but this arrived on my birthday, and it couldn't have been more perfect if I had planned it.)
(Also, I went to go tell my boyfriend this story, and we were standing with the friend of the couple who had officiated the wedding, and as I start to speak, he turns and exclaims, "Oh my god, you're the dish towel people!!" It's nice to be famous.)
95% wanting to publicly declare love for/devotion to most amazing man in the world
5% that bolt of raw silk hand-sewn with seed pearls at the dressmaker's
30% love and mushy feelings, ew, gross
25% getting the wedding done and over with, even though you do enjoy the thought of bringing together people and family you like
25% finally having a pretext for your families to meet that wouldn't make your older relatives uncomfortable
10% slightly smug feelings when people gawk at your handsome husband and/or when they're momentarily assume you're not together for whatever reason
5% getting dressed up in a pretty and fancy dress with pretty makeup and pretty and fancy hair because this is your only chance as you skipped out on senior prom
[I was going to include a "25% full time access to significant other's video games" but we lived together for awhile before getting married, so that was always around.]
@RK Fire Man, I really math'ed incorrectly. I got an extra 5% in there left to assign! Okay, 5% reason to take an extended trip with my significant other in a faraway place.
I haven't taken it yet after 1.5 years of marriage, but damnit, we will!
@RK Fire haha I get the smug with my bf too... a lot of my friends react to him / his photo with '[gasp] he's so good looking!' and the subtext is always 'man, sevanetta is punching above her weight there', but I don't care because (a) firmly convinced of my own good looks regardless (b) love love love my handsome man. yay!
75% opportunity to aggressively/obnoxiously NOT CHANGE MY MOTHERFUCKIN NAME
Oh, dude, I'm the reverse. Getting married is my excuse to trade my annoying last name for his excellent one.
@hallelujah My chart is very similar, except substitute taxes for his dental benefits. Wayy better than mine.
@hallelujah ME TOO. Oh man, lately I have been kind of SO HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW I'M NOT CHANGING MY NAME at people, and I know it's obnoxious, but I'm just so excited to get married and not change my name!
@Linette I was teased so much about it as a kid, I used to think people would not love me because of my weird last name. Now it feels like I've earned this goddamn name, and HELL no I'm not changing it when I get married.
The guy at the courthouse didn't tell us about this whole kitchen deal, where do we apply? Does "tricked out" mean more than three square feet?
(Fun fact: dude who married us is head of the Domestic Violence Division!)
@stuffisthings That's......sort of......hilarious in an extremely-inappropriate-humor sort of way. (*clandestine snickering.*)
@Miss Maszkerádi "congratulations, and I never want to see you two again."
@Judith Slutler No shit he actually said that
@stuffisthings I have heard that judges do the marriages kind of voluntarily, but also that they all love it.
@theotherginger Yeah he seemed really into it and made lots of jokes. I could see how, doing that job, you might want to see the happy side of marriage too.
I've basically decided to throw myself a huge 30th birthday party next year because I don't really think I'll ever get married. Setting up a registry would probably be a jerk move, though.
@anachronistique marry yourself like Jane Lynch on Glee
@anachronistique I would find it really badass if a friend who was single created a registry for a milestone birthday like that.
@elissa_what? Seconded! Not at all jerklike. "Hey, I'm 30, help me be an adult with adult things like Kitchenaids and matching dishes!" I say go for it.
@anachronistique I'm also turning 30 next year and it is also my plan to throw a stupidly expensive 30th birthday party, because I'm not sure I'll ever get married.
@anachronistique We have a good friend who is a permanent bachelor. His (awesome, Dorchester-born) mom threw him a huge party when he finished his PhD 11 years ago because, as she told me, "I'm not holding my breath for a wedding."
@anachronistique I feel like that's what amazon wishlists are for.
95% the tricked-out kitchen
5% having an excuse to get a ridiculously fluffy dress
After I threatened to go make a wedding registry for myself and my cat so that I could convince people to buy me all the expensive kitchen goods I can't afford, my mother promised to get me a stand mixer for my 30th birthday. I'll be 30 in 16 months and I'm holding her to it. I may just have to buy a nice dress for the occasion too...though probably not a ridiculously fluffy one.
@daisicles When I entered my last year of grad school I told my mom I wanted a stand mixer for graduation. I held her to it, although allowed her to wait until the Thanksgiving after so she could buy it on sale. I strongly support you!!
30% health insurance
30% balance, because my first marriage was so bad
10% usaa membership
Waah, I can't get married until my boyfriend's youngest son turns 18 because the child support is ridiculous as it is, and if we're married they'll recalculate it based upon our combined incomes. But fortunately that's only two years away.
@fondue with cheddar I FORGOT ALL ABOUT BEING ABLE TO SHARE MY USAA MEMBERSHIP. So technically that's in my boyfriend's pie, not mine, but seriously.
@cheerybeggar USAA and the health insurance are both in my boyfriend's pie technically, but still. It's mutually beneficial for me to share it with him. His dad is a veteran and we keep trying to get him to join but have had no success.
@fondue with cheddar I love USAA so. much.
@fondue with cheddar In case you don't know, you can still get checking/savings accounts through USAA even if you don't have a veteran relative! You just can't do the insurance and such.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose ME TOO. It boggles my mind how anyone could be eligible and choose not to join. My dude's jaw dropped when I told him how low my car insurance was.
@sarah girl I did know that, but that doesn't really help him because he really wants it for the insurance. BUT I recently found a loophole! Because we live together, I was able to add him onto MY car insurance! :)
@fondue with cheddar I have a problem where my boyfriend loves his hometown credit union, and I love USAA, and I think we'll probably just have separate finances forever because we won't give up our banks.
But his car insurance is State Farm, F that.
@polka dots vs stripes I closed my USAA bank account because my employer didn't offer direct deposit and they wouldn't allow me to make deposits by smartphone because my credit score was too low. I would have had to mail my paycheck and wait several days for it to clear, which was just okay. Buuuuuut now my credit score is better so maybe I should try again! Also, I have direct deposit now so I don't have checks to deposit very often anymore.
@fondue with cheddar you can also deposit at any ups sore now too & it's instant! I don't get DD for awhile at my new job & that's what I've been doing. Working out ok so far.
@polka dots vs stripes You can?! I don't think that was an option when I had my old account. How long does it take to post? That's still not as convenient as depositing at a BofA ATM, but I'd much rather have a trustworthy organization hang onto my money (and lend it to veterans!)
@fondue with cheddar I've done it maybe half a dozen times so far, and it's always posted immediately! The only problem is that once the UPS guy heard me wrong and put it in savings instead of checking, but I realized it as soon as I got home and moved it.
@polka dots vs stripes That's awesome. As long as there are UPS store near my home and work, there's no reason for me not to make the switch. Thanks for answering my question!
@fondue with cheddar Yeah I'm sorry that was so delayed, I was out of town and didn't check my email. I think it's a relatively new option; when I realized I couldn't get direct deposit for awhile (but obviously still need to pay rent!) I went on a frenzied search on their website for the fastest deposit methods and found it.
@polka dots vs stripes I'm not good about my emails over the weekend even when I'm in town, so no worries. :)
Do they also have a feature where you can send a check through the web? My bank lets me write a check on the web, and they mail a paper check to the payee. I only write one check a month so it seems silly to have a checkbook.
@fondue with cheddar You know, I don't know - I still use a checkbook or online transfer to my parents/bf. They do say you can send anyone money with a cell phone number or email, though ("https://www.usaa.com/inet/pages/bank_checking_main?wa_ref=pub_global_products_bank_checking"?
@polka dots vs stripes Yeah, I saw that, and I don't know if it's the right thing. My ex had an account with ING, and they have the same feature but it's a wire transfer. The check I have to write every month is rent for my boyfriend's business, and I don't think the landlord would be into that. Maybe I'll just call them up and ask them.
50% Our families will take our relationship more seriously
30% Legal and financial benefits
10% Cool but unnecessary kitchen upgrades
10% Want a cake from Cake Wrecks' Sunday Sweets tag
100% Cake. No doubt about it.
@sumbitcomment Now I want some cake.
100% I just found someone I like being married to.
Sorry for the lack of irony -- but that's just how it happened.
@prefer not to say How'd you find them?
@angelinha Internet dating. After five years of excruciating and unrewarding experiences with internet dating. It was kind of miraculous.
Clearly the fastest way to destroy the institution of marriage is to just start giving away kitchenaid stand mixers.
20% kitchen appliances/towels
20% ridiculous dress/makeup
30% having someone around to do/help with annoying single person chores* such as: getting fitted sheet onto pillowtop mattress, turning said mattress, dusting, putting the vacuum away, remembering to pay bills, etc.
*Not that non-single people don't have these chores, it's just that these are the ones I find to be particularly onerous to do on my own.
100% pissing off Antonin Scalia
@charmcity That just may be the best reason. :D
@fondue with cheddar get rid of your scalias, america. they are revolting.
@charmcity I wish we could! He is The Worst.
@fondue with cheddar haha I am American, too! He is [one of] our national shame[s].
@fondue with cheddar
But that cat is The Best!
@charmcity et al: Can we make it a twofer and get rid of Alito too? He is turning into Scalia Redux, Only Even More Assholish.
@Bittersweet Isn't he, though? Yes, let's send them both on a one-way mission to Mars. For science and the betterment of humankind!
70% dancing, because indians really like dancing. all night!
20% getting blinged out!
10% making cool invitations, because there aren't many opportunities to geek over typography and shit and actually mail it to people!
Pro Tip: If you spend your single twenty years just asking your mom (who forever regrets that you never took Home Ec and worries that you'll never properly know your way around a kitchen the way she did) for 2-3 fancy kitchen items every year for Christmas/birthdays, you get the slow burn version of a registry. No marital bliss necessary!
@Killer Kitties This is how I've stocked my kitchen.
That and prowling my parents' basement for things they never use.
@Killer Kitties No pesky argument about who keeps them in the divorce!
@SarahP My boyfriend is an expert basement-prowler. He ended up with three small Le Creuset pots and his late grandmother's Kitchen Aid. We can never break up because he'll take all the cool kitchen stuff -- but I will throw down for our All-Clad pans.
@Killer Kitties Me too! But now that my kitchen is sufficiently fancy my mom is pestering me to pick out a china pattern which seems... different somehow?
Is that 15% measured on the Balling scale?
I bought myself a stand mixer a few years ago, which I guess is why I'm not married yet? Shrug.
@grobel If you buy yourself a fondue pot, you're really in trouble.
100% throwing what amounts to a cross between a theatrical production and a costume party.
(I know it's a pain in the ass and I just don't care, I want one masquerade ball in my life and this seems to be the only societally acceptable way to get people to participate in one.)
@Linette I think this would be such a fun wedding. Might be a nice change of pace for your friends, too.
@Linette A+++ reason. I would way rather spend my energy figuring out a cool masquerade ball outfit than puzzling out what "black tie casual" or some other nonsense means.
@anachronistique RIGHT? Masquerade balls are better than weddings in all the ways.
The dress code: do your utmost to outshine the bride with the most fantastic outfit imaginable.
The ceremony: 30 seconds of talking followed by a full-scale musical number into which all the guests will be inexorably drawn.
The games: tricking anyone into thinking you are someone else is a mark of honor to be rewarded with infinite champagne.
@Linette Are you sure you're not actually trying to reenact the masquerade scene from Labyrinth? (No judgement implied. That would be RAD.)
95% Excuse to hire an 80s cover band.
5% Potential to convince (non-existant) fiance to change both our last names to "Spectacular".
I feel like the percentages would change if this were not completely abstract-- with regards to a specific person I'm sure there'd be a few token points towards "Totally in love with so-and-so's face." But in the abstract sense, 100% register for gifts. That is the kind of tradition my mercenary little soul can get behind.
50% He can join my AWESOME credit union
40% Shamelessly banning that Sliidddeee to the left! Sliiiiiiiideeee to the right! song, and playing THE BEST WEDDING PLAYLIST EVER
10% So after the ceremony, my Dad can ask if he can change into a sweater cause this gal durn suitcoat is too constricting.
OH YEAH that boyfriend guy! Well, he's the whole reason anyway..
75% Tricked out married-people kitchens.
20% Love to party.
5% Still kind of scared of the dark.
@steponitvelma Also I had my very own single-gal stand mixer for a while, but it was lost in a terrible moving experience.
@steponitvelma 100% still scared of the dark. LADYFRIEND, PROTECT ME FROM THE MONSTERS.
10% Already getting baby formula samples in the mail
15% Elopement sounded romantic
30% Potential for Canadian citizenship
45% Sweet, sweet health insurance
What's the acceptable percentage for 'trolling all my social networks with smug updates'? (My married pals haven't done this, but by God I would.)
@Bette: Sparkles for Everyone hehe that would be 5% for me too. My married friends have definitely done the smug updates thing so I figure it will be par for the course. muahaha
@Bette: Sparkles for Everyone in fact, i am worse than that, because I wouldn't just do smug updates, i would be tempted to write a satirical series which made me look like a bridezilla but was me taking the piss and secretly cackling away...
@sevanetta Yes! That would be performance art to put Abramovic to shame.
I already have a stand mixer. Fuck getting married.
Ah, this was wonderful, as always. zdjęcia na porcelanie ,fotoceramika warszawa
Already dreading the # of times my mother will reference match.com, "meeting someone," or future children over our upcoming long weekend at the beach: 75%
Still need to "win" last divorce: 20%
Would like to live in home with more than one room: 5%
@supernintendochalmers my knee-jerk negative reaction to the idea of getting married gets so much ba bau thang thu 5 nen bietweaker when I think of the kitchen appliances that might be involved...
Bus Schedule From Dalat To Mui Ne
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