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Thursday, June 6, 2013

196

The Craving: One Woman's Salty Confession


Maybe the spring weather eroded my self-discipline. Or maybe the festive red-and-yellow umbrellas tipped the scales the day I was overcome by a sudden, inescapable craving for a dirty water hot dog. Heading up 3rd at about 48th Street, I clutched my husband by the wrist and pointed at the hot dog cart. "Come on, let's get one!"

Surprised by my uncharacteristic impetuousness, Allan pushed out his lower lip in an expression of consideration. We sidled over to the cart. I was mesmerized by its decor—colorful photos depicting an array of hot dog-topping combinations. I could see I was in for a radical break from my salad-and-grilled fish habit. Allan raised two fingers in answer to the vendor's raised eyebrows. The vendor plucked two dripping franks from the depth of his cart and deposited them into a pair of buns cupped in his other palm.

Then the vendor turned to me. "Mustard, ketchup?"

"A little ketchup. And mustard too, please."

"Onions, sauerkraut?"

"A tiny bit of both, please."

"Relish?"

I shook my head. Negotiations concluded, the vendor swaddled the two hot dogs in foil, and my husband handed over $4.

Allan and I slipped past the pedestrians and perched together on the edge of a brick planter. The foil wrapper warmed my hand, a foretaste of the exquisite pleasure of the meal itself. I carefully peeled it back to reveal a culinary masterpiece.

Banishing thoughts of food-born illness and jiggly thighs, I took my first tentative nibble. The sponginess of the bun offset the ever-so-subtle snap of the casing. I chewed thoughtfully, contemplating whether my "kosher hot dog" promised a more healthful alternative to other pushcart varieties.

The meat itself was salty and slightly spicy. I took another bite. And then another. The taste was sublime. You did an hour on the elliptical machine this morning, I reassured myself.

Something primal within me had been awakened. Suddenly, I didn't care what animal parts I was consuming or whether nitrates cause cancer. My jeans felt tight, but, frankly, I didn't give a damn.

"Almost ready?" Allan asked.

Reluctantly, I eased the last inch of meat from the bun. I spread open the remaining soggy dough, vainly hoping to discover an overlooked morsel of meat. It was empty. I felt wistful, and a little dirty.

I played cool, though. "Delicious!" I declared brightly. Allan didn’t notice when I held my fingernails to my nostrils and inhaled the pungent perfume of mustard. But even as I rose to go, casually brushing crumbs from my pants, I couldn't escape the undeniable conclusion. I was a woman possessed.

Walking beside my husband up 3rd Street, I was consumed by a single thought. The next hot dog cart, a Sambrosa stand came into view as we turned the corner on 52nd. "I want another," I hissed.

Allan snickered, not bothering to break stride.

"Allan, I'm serious. I want another."

Allan shot me a surprised look, but hearing the urgency in my voice, he shrugged and pulled $2 from his pocket.

"You're not going to have one?" Allan's self-control deepened the dismay I felt over my dietary lapse. But my craving had obliterated my restraint, and I devoured hot dog number two as if it was the first. Except I skipped the bun this time.

To tell the truth, what happened next is a blur. After polishing off my second dog, I recall glancing at my reflection in a plate glass window to see if my derrière had grown noticeably since I'd last checked. Maybe we stopped at Carnegie Hall to inquire about tickets. Maybe we took in a play or a couple of art galleries. The only thing I remember clearly now was an overpowering desire for another hot dog.

It was early evening when my husband finally suggested we get dinner. By that point, we'd made our way down near the East Village.

Allan recognized the name of an Italian restaurant across the street—a friend had recommended we try it.

“The pizza's supposed to be great,” he said.

Images of sausage toppings floated before my eyes. Savory. Italian. Sausage.

Grasping to retain a shred of dignity, I tried to act nonchalant when the waitress came to take our orders. "On the spaghetti with sausage, um, is it like crumbled up sausage as flavor in the sauce? Or is it, um, like, a sausage on the spaghetti?"

The waitress looked confused.

“I mean, is there a sausage on the spaghetti,” I gestured, forming the shape of a weighty loaf with my hands, “or only just a few ground bits cooked in with the sauce?”

“It’s in the sauce,” the waitress replied. “And I think maybe a few slices on top.”

“Because I want lots of sausage,” I said. I felt desperate.

“I’m sure there’s lots of sausage,” said Allan, striking a placating tone.

“You can always order more if there’s not enough.”

“I’d like the spaghetti with a side order of sausage,” I said, too loudly. “Please.”

When the waitress walked away, Allan looked at me in astonishment. "Wow, you're really on a sausage kick," he marveled.

My gluttony appalled me. But I perked up when the waitress returned and placed a heaping bowl of spaghetti drowning in meat sauce and a side plate of sausage before me. I resolved to double cardio workouts come Monday.

But when the weekend ended, a return to a normal routine eluded me. I felt off. Oddly out of sync. It’s the switch to Daylight Saving Time, I reasoned. I counted and recounted the days on my calendar. A test at my doctor’s confirmed I was pregnant.

***
On a recent afternoon, I sat with my daughter on a bench in Central Park. While she enjoyed her lunch, I told her again this story of her embryonic beginnings. Jacqueline held out her ketchup-sodden hot dog, offering me a bite. Ordinarily, I’d opt for a green salad. But you know how it is. Every now and then, a woman gets an urge.

 

Previously: My Brother, My Mother, and a Call Girl

Photo via benjibot/flickr.

Mara Cohen Marks relishes true stories. She lives with gusto in Los Angeles with her husband and daughter.



196 Comments / Post A Comment

mayonegg

So what you're saying is that I am perpetually pregnant?

stuffisthings

@mayonegg Me too I guess. Which is unusual considering that I'm a dude who is not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CinnamonSwirls

This just made me have the biggest craving for a Chicago hot dog... I can't get sport peppers here! Why did you do this to me???

Otherwise, this was great.

nic'kalmus@twitter

@CinnamonSwirls I gagged a little when she said yes to ketchup.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@nic'kalmus@twitter Me too, ketchup does not belong on a hot dog. At least, not on any that are en route to my mouth.

CinnamonSwirls

@nic'kalmus@twitter @Oliver St. John Mollusc

agreed

angermonkey

@CinnamonSwirls @nic'kalmus@twitter @Oliver St. John Mollusc
Motion passes.

Li'l Sebastian

@angermonkey OBJECTION ketchup is delicious on everything

hotdog

@CinnamonSwirls YOU EAT THINGS THE WAY I DON'T LIKE THEM, SO IT IS WRONG. I think the ketchup thing is my least favorite part of living in Chicago, and I have to hear about it whenever hot dogs are brought up.

fondue with cheddar

@Li'l Sebastian NOOOOO only fries and tater tots.

iceberg

@Li'l Sebastian The Bergy Bits agree, and respectfully submit that ketchup is also delicious on its own, by the handful.

Emby

Usually, the urge for a wiener comes before getting pregnant.

(Might as well be me that says it first.)

allendaniel

This is without a doubt the best song@a

antarcticastartshere

HOT DOGS EVERY DAY 'TIL I DIE.*

*literally, of cardiac arrest.

ATF@twitter

This may have just tipped me in favor of going to the baseball game tonight. Because: hot dogs.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@ATF@twitter WHY did you have to put that idea in my head?? I signed up for a color theory class tonight like some kind of chump, and now all I can think about is going to the ball game by my own damn self and drinking beer and eating ALL THE HOT DOGS.

Hiroine Protagonist

Women eating with only a passing thought of the horror of being fat? scandalous!

queenofbithynia

@Hiroine Protagonist

Banishing thoughts of food-born illness and jiggly thighs

You did an hour on the elliptical machine this morning, I reassured myself.

I recall glancing at my reflection in a plate glass window to see if my derrière had grown noticeably since I'd last checked.

My jeans felt tight, but, frankly, I didn't give a damn

I resolved to double cardio workouts come Monday.

I guess...I mean... a joke is a joke, and a humorous personal essay is a humorous personal essay, and one woman's thoughts and feelings are one woman's thoughts and feelings. but I feel like I am waiting for a punch line that is going to be a long long time coming. as with Cathy comics in newspapers of yore, reading this makes me feel like a golden retriever trying to use the telephone or something.

(Sorry, dog, I know it's ringing, but you're not the one the call is for. No, it's really not for you.)

angermonkey

@Hiroine Protagonist Yeah, I'll be over here enjoying the hell out of a Chicago dog with the other happy fatties. Or, rather, normal people who love delicious things and don't see food as a thing to be carefully purchased with cardio.

Mae
Mae

@Hiroine Protagonist Yeah, this struck me as something you might see in a more traditional women's mag. "Guys, this one time I ate TWO hot dogs! I'm so bad!"

Radio_LJ

@queenofbithynia Yea this made me really uncomfortable. I mean I totally get the weiner/sausage metaphor and how food=sex etc etc. But the repeated references to the horror of getting fat from one hot dog (really? Your jeans were tight after eating ONE hot dog??) made me feel really icky. The entire essay seems filled with fat-phobia. I'm really surprised to read this on the 'pin.

iceberg

@Mae "But don't worry, turns out I was pregnant so it's OKAY."

Um they cost two dollars I could eat 3 easily without any guilt at all.

Heat Signature

@queenofbithynia And then the reveal, which is that she was pregnant, subtly suggesting that it was "okay" for her to crave "bad" food since she was hormonal, or whatever. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

Jocasta Carr

@queenofbithynia And framing it as a "confession"? Like she's seeking absolution for having done something wicked? You don't need our permission or anyone else's to eat two hot dogs and some sausage and not feel bad about it!

mabellegueule

@Hiroine Protagonist
This comment thread right here is why I love the hairpin.

I do understand that it is a personal essay. I guess I just couldn't relate to the food judginess.

Little_Lakes

@queenofbithynia Yeah, so sad about the undertone of this essay. (And yes - personal essay! - as so many others have noted.)

On the bright-side, happy to see it read as kind of retro-grade and depressing to so many of us and we could call it out for what it really is.

I know this all must be difficult for the author to read, but I have noticed this happens here and on other sites rather often. Would love to see the author dialog back about it and see what she has to say. I think the only way to end this line of thinking is to keep the conversation going. Would help people who are still stuck in this way of thinking overcome it, I feel.

whizz_dumb

@mabellegueule Me too, and I saw this threads' collective sentiment coming a mile away.

sophia_h

@Hiroine Protagonist I stopped reading at "my jeans felt tight," just because I couldn't really see where it was going that wouldn't be annoying. And I say this as a pregnant mostly-vegetarian who did suddenly want some salami recently.

Little_Lakes

@Little_Lakes Fascinating! Just realized this is the same woman who wrote the, "My Mother, My Brother, and a Call Girl" essay. Hmmmmm.... Are these 'genuine' personal essays? The seem somewhat designed to provoke/irritate knowing the reader base of the 'Pin.

Am I alone in being annoyed by this/feeling trolled a bit by this? Yes, I realize that a 'difference of opinion/attitude' does not a trolling make, but neither of these essays held any new thoughts or ideas - the just seem to underscore the attitude of the culture at large. Blerghh!

Hot Doom

@Heat Signature Yeah, I was so with it until the pregnancy vindicated her from those "primal" cravings of hot dogs at the end. You wanna see a primal freakshow? Come to my house for a bbq, I'll show ya a freakshow. No pregnancy either.

thebestjasmine

@mabellegueule But she was a GLUTTON for asking for sausage with her spaghetti, don't you understand???

up cubed

@Hiroine Protagonist As it got more uncomfortable, I started hoping it was written my melis. There could be a paragraph missing where she goes home and [does something sinister to her mister, and/or hotdog=penis joke] then she reveals she's pregnant. Plausible?
Edited: somehow my comment lost the melis-twist part. Retry.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Hiroine Protagonist Also, I feel kind of sad that this lady is telling her daughter that food cravings that involve anything other than grilled fish or salad are only OK if you're pregnant.

whizz_dumb

@Little_Lakes Are we the ball of yarn at a paw of the cat that is this Hairpin contributor?

Little_Lakes

@whizz_dumb I'm beginning to think so! (Edit: Or, I guess I should say, "I'm sure feeling that way!")

I wonder what the next topics will be?

How I learned to love the Brazilian.
Why I don't mind that my husband makes more money than I do, even though we have the same job.
My sister, her therapist, and the perfect love affair. (Why this controversial pairing sometimes works out!)

Edited 65 times for clarity and HTML failures.

Judith Slutler

@Hiroine Protagonist I just liked every comment on this thread.

Way to reassure us that you usually go for the salad at the end of the essay, author! So we wouldn't think that you regularly give in to your perverse urges for a MOTHERFUCKING HOT DOG AAAA

whizz_dumb

@Little_Lakes I might write a fake confessional about a rich white dude who used to say he was a feminist just to get laid all the time (this implausible premise might raise some doubts) but now he considers himself a "post-feminist" and is devoted to his perfectly subservient wife.

TheLetterL

@upupandaway I feel like in a melis piece, the twist would involve lycanthropy.

Did not like this piece, but the Pintariat is already on task with the response.

katiemcgillicuddy

I just ate 2 goddamn hotdogs in honor of this thread, and you better believe the night is still young. They had yellow mustard and ketchup on them and they were glorious. The dollop of mustard/ketchup mix I spilled on the counter? I dipped the last bit of the 2nd hotdog in it.

Nutellaface

@thebestjasmine I regularly order sides of the delicious motherfucking chicken sausage at my favorite brunch place. Smoked salmon eggs benedict please! Oh, that doesn't come with sausage? TOSS ONE IN THERE FOR ME NEXT TO THE GIANT HEAP OF POTATOES.

Daisy Razor

@katiemcgillicuddy This thread is both giving me life and making me crave a hot dog like whoa.

LilRedCorvette

@Hiroine Protagonist [and associated downthread]

I feel about as disappointed by this thread as everyone in it felt by the essay. Criticizing and ostracizing women who talk about the effort they make to lose or maintain their weight is just as shitty as criticizing women for putting on weight or eating unhealthily: Mara's descriptions differ in content, not category, from the comments detailing exactly how many hot dogs everyone gleefully eats. Would your preference be that people who are conscious of how tight their jeans are feeling and typically try to avoid three portions of processed meats in an afternoon stay off of this site?

If your feeling is that the premise--woman has unusual cravings, pregnancy and motherhood affect but do not eradicate her previous identity--is dull, then perhaps that's the point that should have been articulated.

stonefruit

@LilRedCorvette "Criticizing and ostracizing women who talk about the effort they make to lose or maintain their weight is just as shitty as criticizing women for putting on weight or eating unhealthily"

No, it is not. Or rather, right now, when women who publicize their efforts to lose or maintain their weight are valorized and women who put on weight or eat unhealthily are shamed and blamed for all manner of societal ills, it is not.

And YMMV, but I wouldn't recommend holding your breath until the day those two positions are flipped, because it sure doesn't seem to be coming soon.

queenofbithynia

@LilRedCorvette "Criticizing and ostracizing women who talk about the effort they make to lose or maintain their weight is just as shitty as criticizing women for putting on weight or eating unhealthily"

How exactly? Since I am way into imprecise rhetoric myself I would settle for a notion of how it's remotely similar in any way. also, how you can ostracize someone by speaking directly to them is also of some interest to me.

This was not an essay about the effort it takes to maintain or lose weight, incidentally (or not) -- it was an essay about hey I had an unnatural appetite, with the reassuring payoff that there was an unimpeachable explanation for it, liberally spiced with weight talk one-liners so ostentatiously wink-wink nudge-nudge that I wondered and am still wondering if it was a deliberate pastiche aiming for an effect I am too unsophisticated to perceive.

but anyway: We're well past the stage of confusing people by claiming that criticizing a thing is morally identical to criticizing any other thing, right? I criticize weight talk as it appears in popular women's mags and as artfully mimicked here because it's tedious, sexist in impact when not sexist in aim, insulting, and part of an ongoing homogenizing discourse that I take personally insofar as it functions as a direct assault on the parts of my brain I like the best.

If it's not clear what I mean by weight talk as shorthand, its essential feature is that nothing is justified and nothing is argued; everything is assumed: every thesis statement is carefully couched as a mere restatement and reminder of what every woman knows. It is as airtight as its practitioners can make it; the whole machine functions so that you can't get a grasp on a loose edge to ask "why" to any of it (why are you looking at your ass after you eat, why are you talking about "cardio" all of a sudden, why are we meant to understand this instinctively.) The trick is, if you will, to keep the reader or listener from seeing how the sausage is made.

Weight talk thus deserves speedy dismissal in a way that mere nonjudgmental self-reportage doesn't. I can read a billion books and essays both serious and lighthearted about self-care and self-loathing and body obsession, and I can do so with compassion and interest. I sometimes like to read about weird dietary regimens and exercise plans, if I am really bored, or want to be. whimsical pregnancy anecdotes, too, I don't go in for so much, but they are fine things in their way I guess. I bet the same is true of everybody else who so disappointed you. So I really don't think anyone is straight up going after women with differing interests for daring to be different. That is really not the issue.

katiemcgillicuddy

@stonefruit Yeah, the problem isn't "women who talk about the effort they make to lose or maintain their weight" it's the shaming of women who don't. The shaming of women who talk about maintaining health but don't focus much on weight and appearance.

@LilRedCorvette I do, to some degree, understand what you're saying (and maybe my hotdog comment was a little snarky, I will concede that, I was at once angry and trying to be funny, and I really did spill ketchup/mustard all over the counter) but the underlying attitude of this piece really was problematic. The side-eye her husband gave her? No. Didn't like it. Shit, I eat a lot of grilled fish and salad, I work hard to keep myself in shape, and that's good! I'm happy about that. I do it to be healthy and yes, I do it to look good (gotta land a husband, amirite, ladies?!?!). But! I know sure as shit I have worked really, really hard not to shame myself for doing things like eating hotdogs/sausage and drinking pickle juice (sue me IT'S DELICIOUS) now and then. For me (and yes I get that this is a personal essay, doesn't mean I/we can't be irritated by parts of it) that kind of "ha ha, I better not get fat! (oh my god, I'm so fucking fat)" attitude, led to disordered eating, depression, etc., etc., the list goes on. The insidiousness of this piece (and not that it was intentional) wasn't "ugh, why do I suddenly feel this craving to eat stuff that isn't so great for me, I want to be healthy" which, yes, might mean "in a certain physical shape" but rather, "oh man, I am such a glutton/do my jeans feel tight/is my ass fat? Because, holy shit, how dare I want to eat two hotdogs?!" Can't get behind that.

area@twitter

I would kill a man dead for a Maine red snapper right now. With a toasted split-top bun.

Aunt Ada Doom

@area@twitter Nooooooo! As a transplant I am frankly terrified by the red snappers, and therefore disappointed when I want a dog and then learn they're red.

Don't even start on the folded-over bread thing. Don't.

Vicky

If craving a hot dog is wrong, well, then I'm wrong all the goddamn time.

smidge

I loved this.

cinnamonskin

If you lived in New Orleans, you'd be home by now.

Say three Hail Marys, five Saint Andouille, and go forth to sin some more.

likethestore

That is not the craving I thought it would be when I read the title in my twitter feed.

Emby

Hey Chicagoans...

meetapossum

@Emby Ketchup 4eva.

Emby

@meetapossum I actually think the best hot dog topping of them all is Chicagoans' indignant rage. And a little celery salt.

CinnamonSwirls

@Emby dislike

haha. Is that writing?

rangiferina

@Emby the hot dog is practically a vehicle for ketchup as far as I'm concerned. haters to the left, etc.

stuffisthings

@Emby What Piss Christ is to the Pope, that picture is to hot dog aficionados. Just sayin'/

meetapossum

@CinnamonSwirls "Suck it, mustard-lovers."

stuffisthings

(I'm not even from Chicago, I just share their disdain for ketchup.)

Emby

@stuffisthings I once had someone argue to me, in all seriousness, that in Chicago, they would be justified punching someone in the face for ordering a hot dog with ketchup, because it's a deliberate provocation and akin to "fighting words." Sometimes those aficionados take it a teensy bit too seriously.

CinnamonSwirls

@Emby Yeah, that's going a bit too far. I would think of other punishments (the sound of my retching/bitching/glorification of mustard in all its forms)

whizz_dumb

@Emby That's just a little exaggeration joke, but the hot dog in that picture might as well be thrown directly in the trash with all that ketchup on it. You are allowed to have ketchup on dogs until your 13th birthday in Chicagoland, this gives your tastebuds plenty of time to mature to the proper hahtdahg toppings. I was guilty as a kid, then I entered the mustard era of life, never to look back.

Amphora

@whizz_dumb One of the Rutgers campus events a couple years ago was a Chicago Hot Dog Day where there were free hot dogs for everyone (I immediately got SO EXCITED AND HOMESICK) and an assortment of Authentic toppings, but they STILL HAD KETCHUP ON THE TABLE. Gene and Jude are rolling in their graves (actually they might still be alive, I dunno)

Lu2
Lu2

@Emby As a non-native Chicagoan (25 years resident), I've never understood what people hope to accomplish by constantly reminding others that real Chicagoans hate and forbid ketchup on hot dogs. Your reference to the "deliberate provocation" explains a bit more about what's going on with them folk.

I always liked both ketchup and mustard, and I could never relate to all that weird stuff they pile on there.

CinnamonSwirls

@Lu2 I think that I just like this debate so much because I'm on the "home team" side (and I love mustard). In Pittsburgh, I've been on the receiving end of people's wrath because I don't like Pamela's (shitty diner here) or see the full allure of Primanti's.

Lu2
Lu2

@CinnamonSwirls I love mustard, too. When I eat pretzels with mustard (Philly soft or grocery-store crunchy), the pretzel is mostly a vehicle for the mustard. Yummmm. What sort of changeling am I?

piekin

@stuffisthings Totally disgree with your stance on ketchup, but I will give you all the thumbs up for a Piss Christ reference.

@CinnamonSwirls EWWW GURL YOU DID NOT JUST CALL PAMELA'S A SHITTY DINER.

CinnamonSwirls

@piekin I wish I could love it, but I always leave that place feeling so much worse than when I walked in (no matter how hungover).

anachronistique

@meetapossum MY PEOPLE.

(I have never been to Chicago, I don't give a solitary fuck what they think goes on a hot dog there, GIMME KETCHUP.)

EpWs

@Lu2 There's a hot dog vendor here that does hot dogs on pretzel buns. AMAZING.
And yes, all the mustard please.

iceberg

INJUSTICE alert: The Home Depot was giving away FREE hot dogs on the weekend and Mr. Iceberg forbade me from getting one because the BBs would want some (we're trying to keep them vegetarian until they're old enough to choose).

I pouted SO HARD.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@iceberg If my ladyfriend forbade me from eating a hot dog - a free one at that - we'd have bigger problems than just potentially influencing a child's dietary choices, problems like inadvertently teaching children a whole new vocabulary of "adult" words.

Bittersweet

@iceberg I'm smiling at the thought of trying to keep my munchkin, who has stuffed her face with bacon and sausage since she could eat solid food, on a vegetarian diet. I'm not smiling at your husband's torturing of you! I'd pout too (and probably run back and grab one on the sly later).

iceberg

also, pregnancy craving thread?
Baby carrots and Philly cream cheese. The "baby" part of the carrots was crucial, and it's not a combination I've ever eaten before.

CinnamonSwirls

@iceberg Oh I love baby carrots and cottage cheese. I dip them into it like pretzels. Though I also do this with Doritos sometimes

ETA: I've never been pregnant but I wanted to contribute. I imagine/hope my craving will be ice cream.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@CinnamonSwirls I've never been pregnant either but that was my mom's craving when she was pregnant with me! Specifically Bluebell's mocha chip variety (if there are any other Texans in the house).

CinnamonSwirls

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Mine too! But not that type of ice cream probably. Though now I want that AND hot dogs.

sophia_h

@iceberg I wish I had good ones, but since my heartburn and digestive issues have insanely curtailed my diet all the things I've craved have basically been the handful of "junky" things I can still eat -- Skittles, icees, fruit snacks, a soy-caramel ice cream. I haven't had pizza in four months and I would kill someone for dark chocolate or sharp white cheddar or paneer curry, but I think those are less pregnancy cravings and more "holy god I miss dairy and spicy things and garlic."

Daisy Razor

@iceberg Hot Pockets.

...I don't even know.

Dirty Hands

@iceberg Haven't been pregnant but I eat sliced carrots dipped in sour cream alllll the tiiiiime. Delicious.

TheBelleWitch

@iceberg Nothing, I'm so boring. But I enjoy foisting my standard bad-taste cravings off on my future offspring. "Oh the BABY wants funfetti cupcakes with icing straight out of a can, obviously if it were up to me it'd be gourmet buttercream and something classy like caramel-peanut butter sea salt."

Hellcat

@Dirty Hands I made some spinach dip last night and if you think I didn't put a whole spoon's worth of sour cream into my mouth, you'd be dead wrong. And none of that fat-free shit either because that's just wrong.

siniichulok

@iceberg I've been obsessed this entire pregnancy with anything spicy and any kind of fruit. These days (the last ones? Maybe?) I can't stop thinking about charred red meat (like hamburgers) and carbs. Tonight I ate as much chocolate as I could within the confines of the GD diet (for slightly impaired glucose tolerance only) because something in me (the baby?) REEALLY wanted it in this odd and primal way that wasn't even really about the taste.
I would think labor was near but I haven't had any of the signs, and the baby is just playing in there right now and stretching my stomach as far as it will go from side to side for fun, with no apparent interest in the exit.

iceberg

@TheBelleWitch I definitely claimed that the BBs wanted cheeseburgers several times, and fried chicken at least once. Yeah I fed them meat indirectly before they were born, I would never have been able to make the protein requirements otherwise. I did eat shit-tons of milk, eggs and cheese though.

Danzig!

@iceberg for my mom it was rare steak and peaches. At the same time.

El Grande Fluffio

@siniichulok I knew this writer was going to tell us she was pregnant at the end, because of the primal business. For me, that's how it feels. I've always loved to eat. But since getting pregnant, I LOOOOOOVE to eat. The chewing, the tasting, the planning of breakfast while trying to fall asleep. And just yesterday I was near a park where there is a guy who has a little hut out of which he sells Viennese treats (mozartkugeln) and HOT DOGS that are the closest things to NYC hot dogs I can find and I didn't buy one and now I'm sad but heading to the grocery store to find some hot dogs and it's 9 am and I'm not even ashamed.

cinnamonskin

@iceberg English muffins and 90's movies. And not going to yoga.

lemonadefish

@iceberg
curried everything, and lemons, and friend chicken (I am vegetarian, so it took some convincing before Mr. Lemonade would bring it to me the first time) (have decided miscarriage was either the result of too much fried chicken, or not enough, but how can you tell?)

MmeLibrarian

@iceberg Lost 15 pounds in my first trimester. Was only able to have Ovaltine for breakfast for months. Later, however, spread cheese on whole wheat crackers, tex-mex foods involving black beans, peanut butter, toast toast toast, and, right at the end, banana bread. All of the time.

Bittersweet

@iceberg For the first four months, I craved not feeling nauseated all the time, and being able to eat something more than rice cakes and Saltines. Once that past I craved fresh berries (a pint at a time), and vanilla ice cream with Whole Foods dark chocolate sauce.

iceberg

@MmeLibrarian @Bittersweet

ladies i feel you, I wasn't able to eat ramen for like a YEAR after a morning sickness Incident. there was a point where I was just eating saltines and drinking water. then after that I had to eat All The Food All The Time because triplets.

siniichulok

@El Grande Fluffio Nor should you be! Eating while pregnant is so much fun, isn't it? (That is, if you're fortunate enough not to have morning sickness, which I didn't.)I mean, it's always fun, but I feel like I can taste all the undertones of fruit so much better than I did before--like playing on a grand piano instead of an upright or something. And now it's interesting fruit season (like various berries and honey grapes--HONEY GRAPES OMG) so I'm very happy about that. Mozartkugeln sound divine!

El Grande Fluffio

@siniichulok It really is. (Nice simile btw) And being fruit season, just got two little boxes of tiny strawberries from Holland and had them for breakfast with nectarines, blackberries, blueberries and yogurt and was thinking about making an Eaton mess. Yum. What is a honey grape?

Elleander Morning

@iceberg peanut butter and bananas. Boy is now allergic to peanut butter. Also, buffalo wings, to which he is NOT allergic.

Jocasta Carr

I enjoyed this piece, but the tone of "oh, a woman wanting to eat something that isn't salad or grilled fish, how transgressive and gluttonous!" is rubbing me the wrong way. I'm not saying it's bad or wrong to eat healthy most of the time or to put a lot of time and effort into diet and exercise; just a bit depressing to read about a person not even being able to eat a hot dog without having to look at her behind and make sure it's not expanding.

This is really an issue I have with the broader culture vs. Mara's personal experiences; I'm not at all judging her feelings or choices about food. But I'm tired of food having all these moral connotations for women (mostly) - you eat something fatty/unhealthy, you're being bad and you must atone by exercising more or eating salads for a week. We should be able to talk about eating hot dogs or whatever we please without having to qualify or excuse it as an sudden urge we "normally" wouldn't give into.

Buffy Summers

@Jocasta Carr I felt the same- enjoyed the writing, but maybe not the point of it all. I expected a resolution of, like, owning the craving or something- I guess not entirely sure what I expected- but was disappointed that it was explained away by pregnancy.

ETA: On my way to have a hot dog covered in chili :)

Jocasta Carr

@Buffy Summers Right, and there was this tacit assumption that we, her mostly female readers, would share her feelings about food and fat - this idea that eating something unhealthy is bad and, like angermonkey said upthread, ought to be "purchased" with exercise and self-denial at all other times. We get enough of that everywhere else; I don't entirely like seeing it here.

Enjoy that hot dog, it sounds delicious!

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Buffy Summers I felt exactly the same way! I was all set to scroll down and talk about my own weird food cravings and how fucking AWESOME I feel after satisfying them, and then I was like "...oh, never mind, I'm not pregnant. No justifiable cravings for me!"

Mira

@Oliver St. John Mollusc yeah, satisfying a food craving is one of the greatest feelings!

Also, if you're honestly thaaaaaat worried about getting "fat," well, I'm not going to judge because the culture etc., you know? But maybe you also don't need to be perpetuating it. And one meal isn't really going to do it by itself, anyway, jeez.

Here is my food craving story: One time I really wanted a giant plate of "Mexican" enchiladas, so I dragged my girlfriend out for cheese-smothered deliciousness with rice and beans and chips and salsa and plantains and margaritas and it was so good and then I thought "Wow, I really want some cherry pie now" so although I was already super full - like, kind of bad-feeling full - I rolled up to the diner and got some cherry pie. A la mode. And coffee. I did not think about my thighs at all. And I was not pregnant and it was GREAT. The end.

Anyone else?

iceberg

@Mira Ah now this is a story I can get behind. I'm not a big chocolate eater but every few months I have a craving for white chocolate and I buy the biggest block I can find and eat it until it is all gone and it feels so good.

It's just like, your brain/body suddenly decides I MUST HAVE IT and it feels really good to just follow that urge and not worry about it, I guess it might be a bit harder if you had said urges more often like daily or something, but yeah, that's how I feel. The occasional blowout is a source of joy, not sadness and shame!

Lu2
Lu2

@Mira When I was in college, I went out with my immediate family and my aunt for a sumptuous, multi-course Moroccan meal. The four of us sat around and ate communally of various platters of rich and steaming tagines and whatnot. Then we walked out and down the street, and after a few minutes, my aunt said that she thought she might also like a slice of pizza. She may even have had two. And there may have been ice cream afterward, too. No apologies, just pleasure.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Mira My gf and I were staying at a nice hotel in Seattle and suddenly, at like 10 p.m., we decided we needed some chocolate. So we went down to the restaurant at the base of the hotel and ordered two sundaes, made of local chocolate ice cream, warm chocolate sauce, fresh-made whipped cream, brownies and crumbled Oreos. Then we took then up to our room and ate them while watching TV in a giant king-size bed. NO REGRETS.

iceberg

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Yummmmmm!

Every couple of months or so, Mr Iceberg and I get a dozen Krispy Kremes - assorted, not your boring old original glazed. MOST of the time there are a couple left over the next night.

Tracy

@Jocasta Carr I love this idea!! Here's mine, last week I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends and I decided I didn't want to order one entree, I wanted to order All Of The Sides that the restaurant served instead (~10), and when I did everyone got all silent and the waitress joked that, "I must be very hungry" and I laughed and said I wasn't, I was ordering what I wanted to eat. And then All The Sides came and I ate exactly as much as I wanted and I was very content.

does it need saying

@Buffy Summers "I expected a resolution of, like, owning the craving or something- I guess not entirely sure what I expected- but was disappointed that it was explained away by pregnancy." This is what I was expecting/saddened by. I wasn't sure until I read your wording exactly where I had been hoping it would go, so thanks.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Jocasta Carr Yay! I'm glad other people have non-pregnancy cravings too. Mine are generally hot/salty/sour oriented and occur at bedtime. They are most easily satiated by eating about half a jar of giardinera salad in one sitting (in bed), but regular old dill pickle chips will do the trick too.

Funyens

It has onions...one of your five a day...and ketchup counts too right?

stonefruit

So if 2 hotdogs in one day means pregnancy, what does 7 hotdogs in one day mean? Hypothetically, of course.

(I eat hotdogs once a year, during Pesach, and by G-d I eat as many as I possibly can.)

stonefruit

@stonefruit And, follow-up question, suppose there were gigantic spoonfuls of sauerkraut and a mayonnaise-horseradish dipping sauce accompanying all 7? (Not mustard, because K4P mustard is an abomination.)

I assume this means triplets, @iceberg pls send help.

stuffisthings

@stonefruit Septuplets.

ETA: Damn, joke preempted.

iceberg

@stonefruit not pregnant, just AWESOME.

Lisa Frank

@stonefruit But, but what do you eat them on? Matzoh or with a knife and fork? So many questions!

stonefruit

@Lisa Frank on a plate, with a knife and fork. Or with my hands (although fork for the sauerkraut). <-- I am ashamed but honest. I've never seen the hotdog-and-matzah thing work.

charmcity

I read the ending quickly and initially thought that the hot dog had impregnated her! Half-hot dog baby! But then I re-read it and was like, oh it's less weird and makes me feel kind of bad for liking hot dogs without the "excuse" of being pregnant. Meh.

all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy

I've been eating processed meat products regularly for 5+ years now. But I'm still not pregnant! Should I see a fertility specialist?

lora.bee

Life is short, eat a hot dog.

I mean, you do you, you eat your hemp seed kale salad, or your McDonalds, or WHATEVER, but at the end of the day, I seriously doubt that I will be lying on my deathbed one day thinking "Thank GOD I didn't eat that cupcake at Michelle's birthday party in 2009." Life and food are about so much more than waistlines.

lora.bee

@lora.bee I get that this isn't quite the point of the piece, but... "My gluttony appalled me." No. There is more to life than a "salad-and-grilled fish habit". Unless you ONLY LOVE salad and grilled fish, you shouldn't feel bad about eating a hot dog when you are craving one! End rant.

stuffisthings

I've been feeling guilty all day for having a sausage egg and cheese breakfast sandwich AND french fries at a lunch. As a white man in a suit & tie, and therefore clearly part of the patriarchy, I think I've accidentally oppressed myself.

stuffisthings

No but seriously ladies, as long as your hot dog is ketchup-free please eat as many as you like. I thought Tina Fey already broke down this barrier years ago...

royaljunk

@stuffisthings I eat as many hotdogs as I want, always smothered in ketchup because I find mustard disgusting, call the police.

CinnamonSwirls

@royaljunk 0118 999 881 99 9119 7253

meaux

@CinnamonSwirls. You are the best for invoking this help number!

RNL
RNL

I Daydream of Jiggly Thighs.

Hot Doom

@RNL Word. I'd like to be known as "Her Royal Thighness".

par_parenthese

@RNL Thiiiiiiiiiighs. I about ran my car off the road staring at some Jogging Man-Thigh (Me, today: "Huh, I did not know they made running shorts with slits up the sides that went quiiiiiite... that... hi-... *drools*")

My thighs are awesome. Seriously. They are both crazy strong AND jiggly. I love them. I want to give them a hug.

meetapossum

@par_parenthese Ditto! Of all the body issues I have, my legs don't even factor in. My legs are big and strong and jiggly and awesome.

Daisy Razor

My god, just eat the goddamn hot dog and stop blaming your zygote for it. HORMONES LADIES, AMIRITE?

Sorry, my NP tried to shame me into not eating bacon when I was pregnant and I was all, "My body, my choice, lady." So this struck a nerve.

par_parenthese

@Daisy Razor Not eating BACON? Fuuuuuuck thaaaaaaat.

Daisy Razor

@par_parenthese Well, I'll be fair: she actually just said, "I avoid nitrates as much as I can." But it was in a very anti-bacon tone of voice.

Meanwhile, my husband was behind her mouthing "But. Bacon. Baaaaaaaacon."

par_parenthese

@Daisy Razor I just cannot get worked up about nitrates. It's not like I'm eating processed meat every day, man. (Although the non-nitrate bacon just tastes better to me? Totally would eat the other kind but it... like... hurts my tongue or something?)

Bittersweet

@Daisy Razor and par: Somewhere, my bacon-obsessed daughter is crying without knowing why. And my eyes are getting a little shiny too.

AuntAgatha

:(

AuntAgatha

@AuntAgatha (That is what my face looks like right now.)

frigwiggin

@AuntAgatha Same. Maybe a little >:(

meaux

@AuntAgatha. I feel like this essay is on the wrong site. Ugh, take that tired old foodshame elsewhere.

Valley Girl

@meaux This was a lovely piece, excluding the food and fat shaming. I bit my tongue and clicked away yesterday but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one bothered by it.

smidge

@Valley Girl Thank you! I said I liked it, then I felt bad for liking it, but I think everyone was right to point out the food-shaming.

HereComesTheMetricSystem

So it was a metaphor all along? Or some kind of extended dream sequence? Hotdog-induced fugue state?

It did leave me craving a hotdog, so this essay seems to be like "Pontypool" but with sausages?

February Revolution

This comment thread makes me crave a hotdog for the first time in... ever. Anyone have a recommendation for a passable veggie hotdog, or is the pleasure mostly from the nitrates and mystery meat parts?

kickupdust

@February Revolution I don't know what passable means but I'll give it a go! If you want something super trashy, like the regular-old mystery meat weiners, go for Yves or Tofurkey has them now! If you want something a leetle classier (more like a sausage/kielbasa-type thing) Tofurkey is good again, and also Field Roast brand. good luck and godspeed.

(I often eat the trashy ones raw, on a plate, with ketchup. yumyumyum.)

(p.s. disclaimer for being Canadian, so not sure what brands you have wherever you are!)

mustelid

@February Revolution For grilling and something that is slightly closer to a trashy hot dog, I'll recommend Smart Dogs -- they have jumbo ones, too!

The Field Roast ones are my favorite but I find them to be dry and unappetizing when grilled. Boiled, however? Amazing!

aphrabean

@mustelid I enjoy a Smart Dog with lots of sauerkraut & mustard - it's very reminiscent of the nitrate/whatever dogs! So tasty.

cathrene@twitter

If you think Dale`s story is something..., five weaks-ago my son basically also made $7545 sitting there a sixteen hour week from there house and they're neighbor's mom`s neighbour done this for 7-months and earnt over $7545 part time from a laptop. applie the instructions on this address...

http://goo.gl/60dRU

Hellcat

The other day, all I wanted was a big old Jersey-style Taylor ham and cheese (no egg!) and damn right I went I got that salty, greasy masterpiece. And next time, I'ma tell that bagel man to double it!

Nutellaface

I WANT A PINK'S TURKEY DOG BUT I CAN'T EAT WHEAT ANYMORE AND WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT WITHOUT A BUN.

Daisy Razor

@Nutellaface Oh, honey. I feel you. I can eat wheat, but my daughter can't, so none comes in our house, so my hot dog craving is also for naught.

*gluten-intolerant fistbump*

Nutellaface

@Nutellaface Udi's makes an okay gluten-free bun, but it's not the same as when you get it at a hot dog place and it's all grilled and toasty. Ugh drooling everywhere.

itiresias

@Nutellaface I feel you, homegirl, but try to just embrace the meat and get extra toppings. I was a vegetarian before I had to go gluten free (so obviously I dropped that shit) and I've developed my own rabid cravings for hamburger meat with cheese/hot dogs with pep's and on's.

Also, be careful! There's usually gluten in mustard. I say this because I only learned it recently.

Nutellaface

@itiresias I shall try to cultivate a love for bun-less meat (hee hee).

susier

Loved it!!!
xoxo,
S

Diana

1) Reading this at 5:30 before going home to the Mission District means Y'ALL BETTER BELIEVE IT'S STREET DOG TIME. Bacon wrapped hot dog topped with grilled onions, grilled peppers, mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise with jalapenos on top? I'LL TAKE TWELVE.

2) I read this while listening to the women in my office complain about the fucking asinine juice fast they're all doing together and how they're so hungry and how they hate that they have to wait until Saturday to eat and of all the reasons the patriarchy makes me mad the fact that women can't enjoy their goddamned lunch breaks is the cruelest of all. How do they even get through the workday? What are they looking forward to?

2) Last year not one but two separate people asked if I was pregnant based solely on the amount of sauerkraut and whole grain mustard I was consuming. One of those people was a pregnant woman. I wasn't. I just really, really love sauerkraut and whole grain mustard.

Diana

@Diana

I'd just like to say that reading this article made me change my dinner plans to hot dogs and beer at Rosamunde's on 24th. Give my thanks to the author. Life is better this way.

par_parenthese

@Diana Because sauerkraut and whole grain mustard are probably the greatest things ever like ever ever.

iceberg

@Diana BACON-WRAPPED oh my god i don't even care about all the fucking nitrates.

par_parenthese

@Diana Also I am one frillion percent having hot dogs with grilled onions and sauerkraut and grain mustard for dinner tomorrow night. THANK YOU.

itiresias

@Diana I HATE JUICE FASTS SO MUCH. THEY ARE SO BAD FOR YOU AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE. end rage, for now.

stonefruit

@Diana Well hello, neighbor! Just walking by those carts late at night makes me feel like there is good in the world.

hoo:ha

Oh, so Bridget Jones is writing for the Hairpin now. How nice.

LaLoba

Me and my sister were camping in a rainy rainforest where the logs were so damp we had a very hard time keeping up an effective fire. We wanted our hot dogs so bad, however, that we burned all of our trash to cook them.

(Trash was not a lot or poison toxic or anything...)

hallelujah

Read this so late, but I LOVE YOU ALL, YOU DELIGHTFUL PIN CREATURES. So many perfect, perfect comments. I got a free donut this morning and was about to give it away, but I'm gonna eat it my goddamn self now.

LilRedCorvette

@queenofbithynia @katiemcgillicuddy @stonefruit Sorry, I wasn't able to reply directly to your comments (clearly the HAL-style being that runs The Hairpin's comment section disagrees with my point too).

There's a difference between criticizing institutions that police bodies and behaviors, and criticizing individuals. The article's valence would have been different if Mara had said "I make a point of eating locally sourced, cruelty free meat"/"I glanced at my reflection to see whether the vengeful ghost of a factory-farmed pig now hovered over my shoulder," but because it was a personal essay, I'm opting to assume that she's depicting her craving/consumption as she experienced it.

I can appreciate the impulse to say "these reactions and this narrative are destructive, and shouldn't be shared" or "there are lots of places where this attitude toward food and weight are already presented and glorified, and I don't want this to be one of them." I wouldn't want every article on The Hairpin to sound like this one, but I don't want it to be a hot dog eating echo chamber (wait, that sounds delicious. Maybe I do want The Hairpin to be a hot dog eating echo chamber), either.

The backlash against cultural pressure to have an "acceptable" (ie thin) body seems to have been a lot more successful in casting women who diet in a negative light than it has in changing attitudes about the value of non-slender bodies (interviews with impossibly slender actors who claim to eat "everything, guess I'm just naturally lean!"; novels that show us their protagonists are relatable underdogs by describing them as TOO thin). I'd like to have women make individual choices about how they want to exercise, eat, look, and how they view the three as interacting. I think saying "I eat salads and go to spin class because being slender is a priority for me" and "I eat what I want because that's best for my emotional AND physical health" and "Fuck you for asking the question, you fascist pig" are all equally valid.

Ostracizing may not have been the most precise word, but I used it because of comments framing this essay as being specifically "Not-Hairpin," and because of the repeated suggestion that the author might be an invention designed to provoke, and not, you know, a person who normally eats salads.

C_Webb

@LilRedCorvette I think it has to do with what is sometimes-accurate, sometimes-not reading of personal-choice-as-external judgment that seems to be exclusive to women in a disturbing way. So, while I think this woman should eat in whatever way makes her feel happy and healthy, I also know as I read her essay that I would never want to share a meal with her, because I'm afraid she's be silently critiquing every bite I ate the way she clearly does for herself (and, gulp, perhaps her kid). I could be wrong about this, but it's the same discussion surrounding stay at home moms or breastfeeding: "I do it because I want to and I can" vs. "I do it because I want to and I can AND YOU SHOULD, TOO." Maybe I'm imagining that second part of the sentence, but I think we imagine it even if it's not there because, for such a long time, it WAS.

fabel

@LilRedCorvette This is not simply about a woman dieting, though? Like, I think someone commented above, that our response to this post is judgy of healthy lifestyle or something---but, to me, all of this guilt & shame over eating 2 hot dogs and (wanting some extra sausage at a restaurant) speaks to deeper issues with food. She is, or least it's written as she is, a bit obsessive (reading something into the waitress's reaction, for example) but it's being portrayed as normal & relateable?

Not to diagnose or anything, or draw lines between normal/abnormal behavior, but I think that's why the commenters are reacting in a "why is this on Hairpin?" (which is a body-positive place)

TheLetterL

@LilRedCorvette I'm not going to rehash what others are saying, but I did want to put in my two cents about this piece being the author "depicting her craving/consumption as she experienced it."

To me, the avalanche of details filled with anxiety and disgust sound less like factual reporting and more like they are supposed to bolster the anecdote into something that entertains or resonates with the reader: "You feel this, too! This is why you should care!"

If not, and the author actually checked out her butt to see if two hot dogs had made it noticeably larger, I will eat my hat.

This isn't to criticize embellishing details to try to draw your readers in -- it's what happens! But why choose to use body disgust as a Universal Access Point? People already understand desperate food cravings and feeling weird in your own body. Build off that. Were you actually possessed by a nitrate loving demon named REYEM RACSO?...did everything turn into hot dogs, cartoon style?...did you scan your husbands face for a crumb or blob of leftover ketchup and wonder if you could lick it away surreptitiously?... maybe you momentarily considered what it would take to knock the vendor over and run off with the cart?...will your child's first Halloween costume be a hot dog?

LilRedCorvette

@TheLetterL Surely we can all put our differences aside to agree on MORE BABIES IN HOT DOG COSTUMES

iceberg

@TheLetterL "why choose to use body disgust as a Universal Access Point?" yeah, I just could not relate to the way the author was sooooo disgusted and ashamed with herself and I felt like she repeatedly expected me to.

Mae
Mae

@iceberg Yeah, this is exactly how body hatred gets perpetuated. Sharing personal experiences is great, but body disgust and shame about EATING FOOD should not be normalized as something all us gals can relate to, haha. Nope nope nope.

C_Webb

Since so many Pinners have already covered my concerns about the food = fat thing, was anyone else sort of bothered by the author having to ask her husband for two dollars? Twice? Without including any explanation along the lines of "I forgot my wallet" or "I had no cash on me?"

Mira

@C_Webb A little. But I never carry cash so in situations like this, I'm always bumming a few dollars off my partner, to the point that I wouldn't even think to mention it anymore, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on that one. His behavior bothered me more because he rushed her along and "snickered" when she wanted another!

C_Webb

@Mira Yeah, I think it was a combination of those things. I never have cash either (there are no branches of my bank near my house), but even after five years AND marriage I still feel silly asking my ACKHUSBAND for cash in public -- not because we care between ourselves, but because I worry that it looks like he's giving me my allowance or something ("Here honey. Go buy yourself something bourbony.")

Mira

@C_Webb "Don't spend it all in one place, little lady!"

Killerpants

@C_Webb "Bourbony." Hahahah, brilliant. I'll take two somethings bourbony.

I wouldn't say it bothered me, but I very much noticed that too and was like "wait, why does she need to keep getting money from him? did she forget her wallet? run out of cash? that happens. maybe they have separate finances and she bought him dinner last night and he's buying lunch today. i dunno. if i were writing i'd be paranoid that people would think that i have to get all my money for purchases from my partner if i mentioned it twice, so i'd probably make some disclaimer about the circumstances, which could potentially distract from the story at hand. so i'm not a great judge here probably." And then she was making all the comments about earning food with cardio and whatnot and then the pregnancy reveal justification, and i realized i just didn't care about the piece to begin with.

A. Louise

Related to a lot of ^^ thread: Has anyone seen and/or been offended by the new Skinnygirl commercials, specifically the whole campaign's message of "Drink Like A Lady?"

Youtube link
It's stuff like that that pisses me off, and why I did not enjoy this essay. The slogan isn't giving the message of "Drink this - it's got less calories!" Or "Drink this - they are convenient and have fake sugar in them which apparently people like and if you're into that sort of thing, we think you will like our product!"

It's "Drink this - BECAUSE you are a woman," which they so badly-tongue-in-cheek try to make funny with the 1950's stereotype telling the perfect, diet driven, manicured women what not to do, but are really just reinforcing.

For a second I looked down at my glass of bourbon after I saw that ad, a rare treat from my favorite bottle I brought back from Kentucky, and felt a little guilty. Then I told Hulu to go fuck itself and pounded the rest of the glass. It was delicious.

Fancy Pony

@A. Louise YES, thank you. I can't stand those commercials. I have to mute them or change the channel every time (old school TV watcher here). I kind of wonder if I'd feel any differently about them if I didn't know the brand and already have icky feelings about it (ex. Bethenny Frankel dressing her baby daughter in a Skinny Girl onesie).

angermonkey

@A. Louise Yeah, BUY THIS - BECAUSE you are a woman!" is a pretty deep well advertising goes to for... almost everything even vaguely lady related. Booze especially.

If someone out there isn't writing a thoughtful essay on booze consumption and gender stereotypes, they should be. I'll never forget ordering a bourbon neat at a bar and having the guy next to me say "wow... now I feel like a total pussy." This was last year. Apparently ladies don't drink bourbon. Or something. STICK TO YOUR APPLETINIS, LADY BOOZEHOUNDS!

Bittersweet

@A. Louise I unknowingly started drinking a Skinnygirl margarita at a barbecue a few weeks ago. It tasted like Chemicals and Despair, so I steathily poured it out in the bushes and got myself a big gin and (non-diet) tonic instead.

A. Louise

@angermonkey on my gentleman friend's and my second date, we went to a bar and each had a Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale and a glass of bourbon, neat. At the end of the night the waitress handed him the bill (side note, but I think I could write an essay on handing over the bill to the guy, even after I've handed the waitress my card to begin with) and turned to him and said, "A girl who drinks bourbon is definitely a keeper." At which point he blushed profusely which was pretty stinkin cute and he's a classy fella, but c'mon!

All that feminism aside, now I'm craving a double on the rocks with my lunch, please.

A. Louise

@Bittersweet Skinnygirl's new slogan: "Chemicals and Despair"

Also I'm more gratified in my angst as a total boozehound who will drink just about anything that it was bad enough to be thrown in the bushes.

does it need saying

@A. Louise I am so much more likely to tip extra to servers who simply lay the bill between us on the table, as to those who hand him the bill right off the bat.

anachronistique

@angermonkey I think there was an article like this in Bust fairly recently, though I don't know how deeply thoughtful it was.

fondue with cheddar

Commenting is broken but this is in reply to @katiemcgillicuddy, who said upthread, "The dollop of mustard/ketchup mix I spilled on the counter? I dipped the last bit of the 2nd hotdog in it."

@katiemcgillicuddy WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE A KETCHUP/MUSTARD GHOST?

Meredithrw

You nailed it! What would have been considered normal happenstance in years gone by is almost unethical by today's self imposed standards. A beautiful tale of unexpected cravings, giving in, and the magic that follows.

skyslang

Anyone else think this was supposed to be satire ... but was too subtle to be understood as thus? If this was written for Glamour I wouldn't question it, but here it seems deliberately provoking.
Reminds me a lot of that essay about the stripper girl crush.

Miss Maszkerádi

Everyone already expressed my general "FFS woman two hot dogs will not damn you to eternal hellfire" reaction, but the bit at the end reminded me of my favorite family legend: the night before I was born, my parents had homemade pizza - then however many months later, at a picnic, baby-me took my first unassisted steps in order to steal more homemade pizza off my dad's plate when he wasn't looking.
I am Pizza Incarnate.

angermonkey

@Miss Maszkerádi You are the Pizza Child foretold in the legends! ALL HAIL PIZZA CHILD!

Brunhilde

Totally just ate a hot dog for lunch. And now my jeans are so tight! lolololol *puke*. I know it's all been said upthread but... really?

dotcommie

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

drink 2 coke zeros and eat 3 salads--NO CHEESE OR CROUTONS--as penance for your sins

AuntieCornbread

This reads like a PSA about eating disorders.

kileysmith52

just before I saw the receipt of $4480, I be certain ...that...my brothers friend was actualy making money in their spare time from there computar.. there friends cousin started doing this less than thirteen months and just repaid the morgage on there house and purchased a great new Audi Quattro. this is where I went, Bow6.com

commanderbanana

Jesus Christ. I did an hour on the elliptical, so it's okay for me to put into my disgusting fatty food-needing body? Why can't I just subsist on chaff and air??
The writer does realize that we need food to metabolize to create energy to keep on living, right? I hope she doesn't pass her shitty attitude on to her daughter. "Four laps around the sandbox before you can have a string cheese, chunky!"

cansocprof

Man I hate everything about this article. What a sad sad life to restrict one's food intake so much -- to have no pleasure in excessive eating on occasion and to have no variety in one's diet -- all so that one can be thin. What precisely is the magic of being thin? Does it really make one's life so much better and so much more special that one must only eat a diet of salad and fish and worry continuously about the seeming horror of gaining weight? It's clearly not about the health benefits for the author, but about achieving a state of physical minimalism that will produce some mystical, unspecified benefits that we as readers are all supposed to understand and support. I for one refuse to participate in this narrative.

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