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Monday, June 3, 2013

57

“Last Night I Drempt of Leo”: DiCaprio’s Oeuvre, Reviewed by a 15-Year-Old

When I was 15 years old I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio. I watched his movies repeatedly and methodically, captivated by The Basketball Diaries, a “kaleidoscopic free fall into the harrowing world of drug addiction,” and Marvin’s Room, in which Leo played a mentally disturbed rebel who kept pet flies on leashes of his own hair. I still long for that lanky youth who captured our hearts as Romeo and made us squirm with his less conventional (but somehow still sexy) roles—an old-school, pre-Gatsby Leo—but I will never long for him again the way I did in my teen diaries. Sic'd throughout.

May 11, 1996: Saturday, 11:35 a.m.

Last night/this morning at my party, J and I watched The Basketball Diaries, which was a horribly depressing, yet wonderful movie. In it, a basketball player (maybe 15 years old) gets into drugs, is kicked off the team, kicked out of school and his house, and almost dies.

One of the saddest scenes was when his old friend finds him almost dead in the snow and takes him home. The friend will not allow Jim drugs, so Jim goes insane that night. He screams, cries, begs, swears, foams at the mouth, and in the morning when the spell has passed, his friend goes to work and Jim escapes. He goes out with another friend who kills a man who sold false dope.

So now Jim is afraid and depressed and desperate and goes back to his mother’s house to beg for money. This was the most heart-wrenching part of the movie because he is almost insane and screams at her and sobs, and his own mother won’t let him come into the house. She calls the police on him and says that “a man with a knife” is trying to break in. She said “a man” and not “my son” because it would hurt too much to name this drooling, swearing, sick person at her door–the little boy she once held who called her “mommy.”

I have to stop getting so involved in things I read or see because now I feel as though I have a hangover and lost my only son.

Damn. I shouldn’t feel like that. It’s my birthday.

November 2, 1996: Saturday, 10:05 p.m.

I think Shakespeare was a cruel, cruel old man who created Romeo and Juliet to torture girls like me. I had been waiting for months to see the new movie which came out on Friday. Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes were Romeo and Juliet. I cried through the last half and I’m crying right now.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a Romeo. I’m still crying. There is no guy that beautiful who will come and declare me his love the moment he sees me. There is no guy that beautiful who would die for me. I don’t think there is a guy that gorgeous who will ever kiss me. I hate William Shakespeare.

November 3, 1996: Sunday, 8:27 p.m.

Today I was in an awful mood. I cried sporadically (alone) and blamed my mood on tiredness when my parents bugged me. But the truth is: I’m obsessed with Romeo and Juliet.

I keep rethinking scenes from the movie like when they first meet. Romeo is looking into a huge fish tank from one side when his eyes meet Juliet’s through a coral reef. Romeo follows her head with his—nose pressed against the glass. It is so totally believable that they had fallen in love. I’m miserable.

Romeo cares about a girl so much that he takes his own life. That was a high point of the movie. Just as he is giving his death speech, Juliet’s hand twitches. Her eyes open. Romeo, unaware with sorrow, downs the poison as her hand reaches his cheek. Romeo, feeling her touch, looks terror-stricken at Juliet. That moment when he looked down at her—I knew that William Shakespeare had made a great mistake by not adding that one crossing of life and death to his play.

November 29, 1996: Friday, 8:33 p.m.

For some odd reason, the kind of guys I end up thinking about constantly are those who one could picture: windblown hair, untucked shirt, smiling or unsmiling, half hidden in the smog, something dangerous and untamed—that is what draws me to the rebel—that thought that I want to be the one to tame the beast, to train the dog to listen only to me. Melodramatic, yes. But it is who HE is at the moment—standing half in the fog of my mind.

Leonardo DiCaprio is known as the “Next James Dean.” I don’t really know much about James Dean, but the picture I get is a guy in a black leather jacket, sitting on the hood of a car, a cigarette between his lips. In Romeo and Juliet, Romeo was positioned much the same way—only he was sitting on the beach in some other kind of shirt.

Ok, Ok, bear with me now—so he wasn’t wearing the jacket or sitting on the big car, but it was the same rebellious look—the cigarette dangling, the hair hanging into his eyes…what I’m trying to say here is that the kind of guy who interests me is the one who appears so cool that no one could penetrate that gorgeous exterior…except for me.

March 22, 1997: Saturday, 8:30 p.m.

The Beatles sang “All you need is love.” That’s true. But it doesn’t mean you’re going to get it from anyone.

Jessica and I had our Leonardo DiCaprio-Tom Cruise-Scott Wolf-a-Thon last night. We went to see Marvin’s Room at the theater. Leonardo DiCaprio was in it (the movie, I mean). We then came home to watch White Squall (Scott Wolf) and This Boy’s Life (Leonardo DiCaprio).

I think that I am in love with him. Leonardo DiCaprio is the hottest guy on earth... but this really has nothing to do with him.

I go to school every day, come home in the afternoon and do my homework, possibly go to karate (when I’m not too exhausted from weekend ski competitions), then go to bed. Then I start an exact replica of the entire monotonous day again. And again, and again.

I fell asleep in History the other day. We were watching a filmstrip from the ’60s. It was 2 ft x 2 ft, and Mr. M kept stopping it to talk. I was sleeping and actually had a dream.

I hate history class. I think Mr. M has been teaching for 100 years and is stuck in a pretty deep rut. We all despise him.

All of my teachers are idiots who can only come up with one reason we should listen to them: “If you learn this, it will simplify your life.”

Well, maybe I don’t want a simple life. I don’t want to be a geometry teacher (God forbid I disrespect Pythagoras). I can’t stand this any longer. I wish I had a boyfriend. That’s been my motto since 1992 when I started this journal.

I’m a lonely shell. So I watch Leonardo DiCaprio movies and tell myself that there is someone like him out there for me somewhere. I don’t know if I believe it, though.

April 6, 1997: Sunday, 4:11 a.m.

Today I watched a movie called Little Nikita with River Phoenix. Actually, I watched it because it had River Phoenix. It made me very sad, though, because he died of a drug overdose a few years ago. I kept seeing him as a drug-addict (which he was) and it was awful.

I had never seen a River Phoenix movie (though I saw him play young Indiana Jones in the first five minutes of that movie). He was supposedly an idol because of his acting and his looks, and Leonardo DiCaprio has been referred to as being much like him.

He is supposedly considered for movies in which River Phoenix was meant to star. So I compared the two. Actually, it seems that from what I have seen, they both have similar looks and characters. I wonder if Leonardo meant to copy River’s style of acting because it is much the same, except that in Little Nikita, he was not an all-out demented person such as Leonardo plays constantly.

River seems, from what I’ve seen, to be more of a free-spirited person (more fun). But that’s probably because he was high most of the time.

I wonder, if River Phoenix had not died, would Leonardo DiCaprio have become so big? I doubt it. I think that River’s death adds to Leonardo’s career because he has the same blond hair and blue eyes and acting ability in the same general genre. I wonder if River Phoenix was still alive, would he have played Romeo? I wonder, as well, what other movies he was in, because I wouldn’t mind watching them.

I think I need a boyfriend. I am getting too caught up in fake boys. River Phoenix is dead—but here I am feeling extremely sad because he was very nice looking and very talented and should not be a rotting skeleton in the dirt right now.

April 12, 1997: Saturday, 8:31 p.m.

Last night we watched Romeo and Juliet, as it came out of video Tuesday. I cried in all the same places. I felt the quickening of my heart as Leonardo DiCaprio filled the screen. He looked at Juliet the same way I remembered—I still want him to look at me that way.

It’s the idea of Romeo and Leonardo DiCaprio that saddens me the most. I know that Leonardo is only acting. That he really goes to the bathroom like everyone else, buys groceries, went to school... the Romeo in the movie was so intense and focused his entire life on Juliet, as she did Romeo. That is what tears me apart. In real life, love is divided. One person does not make another the sole purpose of living. They have jobs, families, chores, school, hobbies... but in this movie, Romeo and Juliet have nothing but each other, which makes it entirely believable and understandable that they would kill themselves when they lost one another. That is what I want.

I want a movie Romeo who has no other obsession but me. I want to be free of all other ropes but him. I want to meet him in the courtyard and kiss him until midnight without worrying about getting up early for school the next day. I want intense romance! Or any romance!

April 17, 1997: Thursday, 11:28 p.m.

Last night I drempt of Leonardo DiCrapio (as Dad so crudely calls my love).

I drempt that I had to fill a math requirement in high school and to do so, I was put in Brenna’s 6th-grade math class. To make this more interesting in my dream, I placed Leonardo DiCaprio in this math class as well. He was 16 and sort of time-reversed. I was my own age, but he was back seven years in time. So far, he’d only done a few episodes of “Growing Pains.”

Anyway, he sat all the way on the other side of the classroom—me seated on the far right. My teacher was a carbon copy of Mrs. B (who is my geometry teacher right now) except 100 times more dull. I managed to get my seat changed to directly behind him and I stared at the back of his head during class. Then, the dream took an odd, fantastic turn.

My mother (I think it was her) was driving Leonardo and me to a nonexistent beach behind the high school. I suppose that in my dream, I was still partially enrolled in the school, but Leo had been kicked out. Therefore, when he suggested taking a walk along the beach, I got nervous and asked if we should. Mom encouraged us and drove away.

There was a stone wall enclosing the ocean. The beach was an extremely narrow strip of sand because it was high tide. The rest is rather complicated.

Lara Ehrlich is a writer and editor in Boston. You can follower her on twitter @LaraEhrlich and read more of her angsty teen journals here.

57 Comments / Post A Comment

fabel

I love this, all of this, so much. Oh god, my diaries from the past have almost the exact same super dramatic, sort-of-intellectual-but-not-yet-fully-developed-analytical-skill tone-thing & it's ridiculous. What is up with teenager, right? Ahhh

meetapossum

@fabel Christ, right? I get embarrassed for myself when I read my old journals.

Bittersweet

@meetapossum Embarrassed, but also sort of oddly motherly toward my teenage self. I was so naive, and so nakedly emotional. I just want to pat myself on the shoulder and tell myself it'll all be OK.

Hollye

This is so amazing! Pretty sure my old journals had the exact same tone.

My journal loves, in order:
1997-99 Leo. "No one will ever love me the way Jack loved Rose."
1999-2001 Joshua Jackson. "No one will ever love me the way Pacey loves Joey."
2000-2002 Han Solo. "No one will ever love me the way Han loves Leia."

lora.bee

This is amazing.

Can the Hairpin do a call for submissions from our teen diaries and do one big post of them? Maybe even scans of pages? Or just excerpts. I love this stuff.

Bittersweet

@lora.bee Yes, please! I love this stuff too, and have 5 years of material from the Dark Ages (AKA late 80s-early 90s).

PomoFrannyGlass

@lora.bee There's a reading series in Brooklyn where people read their old diaries. It's awesome:
https://twitter.com/CringeNY

bessmarvin

LEOOOOOOOO

bessmarvin

@bessmarvin One time when I was 9 or something (whatever year Titanic came out) my cat scratched my face (still have the scar to this day) and I told everyone that it was because Leo came in my window and gave me a rose, and a thorn cut me. At least one person believed me, maybe two!

TheBelleWitch

@bessmarvin hahahahaha. LEO!!

bessmarvin

When I was 15 I had a livejournal, which is deleted but people can still find it, right?? I'm never going to be able to become president! 15 year olds should never be able to write anything that anyone can see -- they should just live on an island with each other and cry and write angsty poetry and then move back to the real world when they've decided to be less embarrassing people.

causedbycomma

@bessmarvin I feel that way about the blog I had when I was 27...

Lariope

@bessmarvin I am still an embarrassing person, sadly.

mannequinhands

@causedbycomma I look at tweets I tweeted last year and become painfully embarrassed. I'm 33.

MmeLibrarian

This was familiar. Painfully, painfully familiar.

Excuse me, I have to go burn some stuff now.

bessmarvin

@MmeLibrarian When I was 22 I took all of my old journals to my mom's office and shredded everything. Lots of people walked by and I just pretended that I was shredding legal documents for fun but THEY HAD TO KNOW because how couldn't they see the tear-stained pages of bad poetry and crumpled printouts of David Duchovny? I only regret doing this a little because you know, what if I died in a dramatic way or was framed for murder and they published excerpts from them on the news or something?

Amphora

@bessmarvin Oh man, those crumpled printouts encapsulate such a specific time in digital/print media history, too. Mine were all of Brad Pitt and they're still in a folder with all my high school notebooks covered in song lyrics.

smidge

@Amphora I forgot about the crumpled printouts. Oof.

muralgirl

Wow, I think I might have actually been channeling my thoughts to you when I was 15 so that you could write them in your journal. This is so eerily familiar, especially the part where I was pretty sure I was actually in love with him, and I was calculating how I might happen to meet him, but also convinced no one would ever tragically love me the way I deserved.

Lara Ehrlich@twitter

@muralgirl This is quite possible! Scary how we were all thinking/writing/feeling the EXACT same thing. Did you guys also think that if you could only meet him, he would be SURE to fall desperately in love with you?

lalaland

@muralgirl @Lara Ehrlich@twitter I've had a few celeb crushes, but Leo was the strongest. To this day, I still remember his bday (11/11/74).

Other people's bdays I remember offhand: mom, dad, sister, grandpa, boyfriend, two best friends.

frigwiggin

The rest is rather complicated.

I'm going to use this to classily gloss over anything I don't want to discuss from here on out.

lasso tabasco

"half hidden in the smog"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

pollypeachum

See, this is why I'm glad I never kept a diary with great regularity when I was younger (I have many mostly empty books that all feature false starts, and even those are pretty damn painful to read)...

Amphora

@pollypeachum You gotta admire the perseverance, though. My sister still has all her diaries starting from the age of ten and while they're full of embarrassing stuff, she's gonna have such an easier time writing her memoir than me.

TheBelleWitch

@pollypeachum Same here! I ~lived internationally~ for awhile in my teen years, and I do have some journal entries from that time that I am glad I have ... but most of them are basically bitching about how much my little brother annoyed me rather than, you know, taking in this once-in-a-lifetime experience. I think that's what's in them, anyway. Fifteen years later, I can't really bear to look at them.

Sophia.

AHHHHHH. SO PERFECT. unrequited love is epic. I think the thing that unites us all as 'pinners are the diaries of our youth. although, my diaries now aren't that different...

rosaline

@Sophia. "I'm a lonely shell"...

KeLynn

About once a year, I start a diary, only to give up a few weeks later. I am, however, afraid that if I ever stick with it, when I look back in 20 years my 27 year old self will seem just as painful as my 13 year old self seems to me now.

Statham

Oh man. This is so great. It reminds me of all the writing I did as a teenager that I'd like to pretend I didn't do. It sits in a bin tucked away, and every now and then I take it out and roll my eyes at it.

On another note, my niece (who is 14), recently posted a picture of Young Leo on instagram for her "Mancrush Monday". Cracks me up.

Li'l Sebastian

I had to stop reading this several times and go read a different thing because it was just TOO REAL.

Amphora

@Li'l Sebastian "Sporadically"!!!

Lumpy Space Princess

@Li'l Sebastian three cheers for your username!

Lily Rowan

@Li'l Sebastian Best gif!!

Li'l Sebastian

@Amphora: OPPORTUNITY MISSED (to use the word sporadically; an opportunity that should never be missed)

@Lumpy Space Princess: Aw thanks!

@Lily Rowan:
someone liked my gif!

muddgirl

I wasn't obsessed with Leo DiCaprio, but otherwise this is pretty much my journal. I think I wrote this exact line: "There is no guy that beautiful who will come and declare me his love the moment he sees me. There is no guy that beautiful who would die for me. I don’t think there is a guy that gorgeous who will ever kiss me." The seemingly-neverending tragedy of being a teenager.

Statham

@muddgirl I'm pretty sure that's my most recent facebook status.

Khrushchev

I've been keeping a diary for fifteen years, and it starts on the day I saw "Titanic." Pretty sure an early entry includes the sentence, "I'm not obsessed with it, I'm obsessed with HIM."

Just sayin'. This speaks to me.

City_Dater

I love this.

I am eternally grateful to Leo and co. for making it sooo insanely easy to get teenage girls excited about Shakespeare. I was teaching an advanced acting class for teens the year R&J came out, and NOT ONE GIRL gave me a hard time about Shakespeare monologues. Of course, they all wanted to work on "little stars" but it was still great to see them into it instead of freaked out.

hellonheels

This definitely hits home.

Relatedly, can I interest anyone in some Backstreet Boys fan fiction circa 1997?

Statham

@hellonheels HIGH FIVE.

BuffyBot

@hellonheels Berry Delicious Nick Carter Stories was my jam (I did not mean to create a berry/jam pun there - it was just my go to fan fiction site).

vine fruit

Lara, I want to give you and your fifteen year old self a million bazillion hugs, is that okay y/n

Lara Ehrlich@twitter

@vine fruit Yes, indeed! :-)

Hot Doom

oh man, I cringe to think what I wrote in my multiple journals between the ages of 8 and 22. I'm pretty sure I talked some smack about my friend who was *in love* with Leo, because, obviously, I had made the more soulful, mature choice by putting all my eggs in the Jared Leto basket. One time, my friend and I thought it would be interesting to see what it would be like to kiss Leo/Jared so we each got magazines with full-size pictures of them and then made out with the photos of our respective soulmates. The pages were kind of crinkly by the end. Oh god, why am I writing this on the internet? Hairpin, stop becoming my grown-up journal. This is so creepy. I am so creepy! aaahhhhhhgghghhhh ::throws 12 year old self away::

Lara Ehrlich@twitter

@Hot Doom Ha! Love this so much. Not sure I was ever smart enough to kiss the photo (I totally should have!), but my best friend and I pretend-phone-called our crushes, playing out the worst- and best-case scenario conversations.

Hot Doom

@Lara Ehrlich@twitter haha! I love the role-playing. This is important to development! I think? Kids are just...great.

Oh, squiggles

I can't imagine being brave enough to publicly publish what I wrote about as a teenager. I'm in awe of you!

Also, it's kind of funny to be in the generation of girls who crushed on Leo, because he acted in some movies with some rather odd themes for young teenage girls to be watching and rewatching... Basketball Diaries, Marvin's Room, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, Total Eclipse (did anyone besides me see this? It had a partial nude scene, and also was CRAZY to my teenage self)

no bricks

My parents wouldn't let me watch Titanic when it came out. As a current Leo fan I can only imagine what my journals would have looked like if they had.

Verity

That moment when he looked down at her—I knew that William Shakespeare had made a great mistake by not adding that one crossing of life and death to his play.

Ahahahahaha, amazing.

Faintly Macabre

I love this.

"River Phoenix is dead—but here I am feeling extremely sad because he was very nice looking and very talented and should not be a rotting skeleton in the dirt right now." That's how I still feel about Jeff Buckley, which seems a propos.

I kept a Xanga for almost all of high school and wrote nearly every day. I keep meaning to transfer it onto my computer for when the site finally disappears, but I can't stand reading old entries for more than about five minutes at a time.

anachronistique

Laughing and wincing in recognition. This is AMAZING.

I didn't keep a paper journal but my blog (I had a blog at 15, commence everybody older than me feeling ancient) had a lot of fangirl attempts at Japanese. Oy. I did, however, learn to code tables for the site, so.

Noelle O'Donnell

I was 7 or 8 when I was in the throes of my LDC obsession and spent the next 5-6 years soaking up as much information about him as I could. One of those tactics involved joining his fan club, my favorite perk was how they sent you "An Unauthorized Biography of Leonardo DiCaprio" which deeply concerned me, but not enough to not read it.

The secondhand embarrassment I feel for my young self is unbearable sometimes.

cinnamonskin

wonderful of you to have the cojones to share this. Thanks.

Dandyliongirl

I am crylaughing at how much I identify with some of this. (I managed to be just young enough to have a huge crush on Leo and then transfer that crush to Orlando Bloom when Lord of the Rings came out. I am so embarrassed by my younger self).

Kim@twitter

This is so great. I swear that this could have been lifted from my own "notebooks." I never called them journals because it sounded like urinal and I never called them diary because it sounded like diarrhea. Seriously, that was my reasoning. I became too embarrassed by teenage me and ditched them all years ago. Sadly.

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