Beauty Secrets: Human Tears

One can be overwhelmed by the sheer array of skincare products available to ladies with disposable income who have not given up on the quest for beauty and youth.

My personal recommendation for a great product that will leave your skin looking fresh and fabulous is human tears. I had a great time testing these out last weekend between the hours of 1 and 5 a.m. on Sunday. Here are a few simple steps to get the most out of this amazing beauty treatment!

1. Become extremely drunk. I used almost half a bottle of Fireball cinnamon-flavored whiskey, which genuinely tastes like candy and will put you out of your right mind.

2. Hide your iPad from yourself, accidentally or on purpose.

3. Pick a fight with a close personal friend. It works best if you have some sort of sexual or romantic history with this person.

4. Demand that he or she tell you all of their feelings for you, and insist on sharing, with absolute honesty, your feelings for him or her. Together, recount the story of your friendship from the moment you met until this very moment right now, thoroughly chronicling your feelings, fights, and sexual encounters. Make sure to include a lot of hypotheticals about ways that you could have ended up happy together. Convince yourself and your friend that your only real human connection in this cold unfeeling universe is with him or her. One of you should propose marriage to the other, who should accept for about thirty seconds before calling it off. Make sure to touch on both of your parents’ marriages and how they have inhibited your ability or desire to be in a functional relationship.

5. At this point the tears should be streaming down your face. Wipe them away in a beautiful, tragic, circular motion, using the back of your hand to spread them over your entire face (including jawline, neck, and décolletage if desired).

6. Once complete, send your close personal friend home. Decide to watch a slow-paced BBC detective show on Netflix; stumble through your apartment looking for your iPad, which you will not be able to find. This will send you into a spiral of self loathing and the tears will resurface! Repeat Step 5.

7. When you wake up the next morning, your skin will have a healthy, pink, detoxified glow to it! If you need another fix, you can always call your friend and ask to rehash last night’s conversation sober. If you’re worried you won’t cry without the whiskey, ask to meet in a 24-hour IHOP and sit a few booths away from a homeless man dining alone. Wonder if your waiter has a family and friends. Decide that he doesn’t. Here you go again.

Julia Meltzer is a New York-bred, Los Angeles-based writer-performer who has her shit 100 percent together. You can follow her on twitter here.

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