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Thursday, June 20, 2013

28

An Open Letter of Resignation From Sideboob

I recently met with Sideboob about the current state of its career. Looking a little melancholy, Sideboob simply said, "I can't do this anymore," and asked me to relay this announcement to the public.

From the desk of Sideboob

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dear Media, Internet, and connoisseurs of famous breasts,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as "a thing," effective immediately.

In these fast-paced times, the exposed side of a woman's breast no longer causes the excitement of spotting a unicorn or a dog riding a scooter. Now it's more like seeing a regular horse or a frozen yogurt franchise.

You're probably saying, "Don't say that, Sideboob. You're still relevant." But I know what I am. I'm the left and/or right side of a boob.

Thank you for the opportunities for professional and personal growth you've provided me with over the years. Who knew that such humble beginnings—roughly 10-30 percent lateral visibility of a single breast, and sometimes two—could become one of the most important news stories there is? You made me feel like I wasn't just sideboob, like I was really something special.

I'm proud that I've left behind an enduring, if only partially visible, history in my brief time here.

On so many covers of Maxim, I was there.

Every time Gwyneth Paltrow took peripheral cleavage to an "elegant" place, I was there.

When Rihanna was featured in Kanye West's "All of the Lights" video, so, too was I.

When Miley Cyrus wore pretty much anything, I was there.

Even when it was an accident, I was there.

But we must all make way for the new generation of exposed body parts with very specific labels to indicate their locations. Underboob, this is your moment. With me out of the picture, you can finally blossom into the breast-related search term we always knew you could be.

I hope I will be missed, but if you need something to look at, might I suggest the majesty of the Grand Canyon, the beauty of the stars at night, or the side of a butt.

I'm very proud to announce my successor, Sidebutt. I think you'll find Sidebutt's qualifications very comparable to my own. Butts, and the sides of them, have arrived, and they're here to stay. So let's come together and look at just the sides of butts like we looked at just the sides of boobs. Will it be the same? Of course not. But it's called evolution.

I hope that you will not forget me and that I'll live on inside all your hearts forever. If I can be of any help during this difficult transition, you know where to find me.

(On the side of a boob).

Sincerely,

Sideboob

-30-

Previously: What It Sounds Like Your Coworker's Eating: A Gchat Log

Joanna Borns is a writer in New York City.

28 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

Delightful.
Sideboob, we hardly knew ye.

Emby

Dear all you motherfuckers,

I'm still going long and strong!!!

Whatevs,

Uninvited dickpic

-3===D-

Mandalas

@Emby Dear Dickpic,
Are there little dashes on either side of you or are you showing exaggerated ball cleavage and peeing?
Thanks!
A Concerned Citizen

iceberg

@Emby

I want to be alone, please leave me alone.
Sincerely,
Unintended snatch photos

Emby

@Mandalas It's a play on the -30- mark at the end of the story!

CooCooCaChaw

@Emby Favorite. comment. ever.

TheBelleWitch

I don't know, but I laughed out loud at "I know what I am. I'm the left and/or right side of a boob."

mmmcheese

@TheBelleWitch For me it was, "If I can be of any help during this difficult transition, you know where to find me.

(On the side of a boob)."

gumplr

"underboob", see also: "neathage"

fondue with cheddar

Sideboob, are you also retiring from showing every time I wear a sleeveless shirt, or are you making that your full-time gig? Because you deserve to retire so you should definitely do that. For yourself.

whizz_dumb

I must admit, while I am usually a fan of all things that cause me to look at a butt, my vision of a new pant that exclusively exposes the side of one's butt is a frightening yet believable vision of future fashion.

iceberg

@whizz_dumb we can also look forward to "underbutt" being a Thing, thanks to the previously mentioned "denim underwear" ;)

whizz_dumb

@iceberg That's where I am conflicted. I have seen the denim underwear and have been like, "Whoa. Pretty trashy. Didn't need to see that. But(t)...wow." --and that was a dude wearing them. A sidebutt hole cutout would be too... Aeon Flux(?), from a fashion sense. I guess I'm saying I prefer classic trashy butts to futuristic butts. Maybe that's a lie?

whizz_dumb

@Lily Rowan Thank you, I knew there was a current example out there, I was hovering over that section looking for a hyperlink.

RebeccaKW

@whizz_dumb I think of sidebutt as what Gwyneth Paltrow wore to that Iron Man 3 red carpet.

whizz_dumb

@RebeccaKW I just image searched "what Gwyneth Paltrow wore to that Iron Man 3 red carpet" and yeah, that makes more sense. I have a weird imagination when it comes to sidebutt.

RebeccaKW

@whizz_dumb I should have posted a link or something, but I wasn't sure about the integrity of the sites I found.

Gwdihw

Taint it a shame?

Girl Named Jack

"-30-" I'm dying. That is the most perfect thing.

whizz_dumb

I enjoy and appreciate this specific piece of creative writing. I like this style in general. That is all.

lasso tabasco

http://gofugyourself.com/billboard-music-awards-fug-carpet-black-and-white-and-wtf-all-over-05-2013/2013-billboard-music-awards-arrivals-11

ThatWench

This is a lovely piece, and an excellent read. Right now, though, I am dying from re-reading the coworker's eating log. (Oh, God, Eric, why are you eating a log?)

CasualElegance

This is just fantastic.

taintnuthin'

Ahhh - you would all do well to stay out of the public eye. Give them a little, and they will want a lot....more than they can stomach even. I know this to be true, for I am the taint

isaacmmcor

I like this one!

loriyes

ahahaha... sideboob!
a bit corney

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