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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

235

A Guide to Eating Very Particular Feelings

FEELING: The one where you got too drunk at a party and all you want is one cigarette, and someone finds you a cigarette or you go across the street to the bodega to buy 18 cigarettes you'll never smoke and two you will, and you're standing slightly apart from everyone and letting the nicotine run down your nerves as the alcohol runs up and you close your eyes and the horizons rush outward until the world inside your head is many times bigger than the one outside, and small on the edge of that vast and incalculable blackness you can almost make out the image of something you want to be.

HOW TO EAT IT: Weird ice cream, maybe blood orange or cardamom. The whole thing. Don't be coy. Also, go ahead and smoke the rest of those.

*
FEELING: The one where your feverish searching suddenly pays off with information about the woman that somebody left you for, or maybe he didn't exactly leave you for her but it was strange how fast he got over you or how much he was willing to change for someone else, and really more than anything you pity her for having to love him, but at the same time you sneer at things like the fact that she likes cheesy music or sleeps with stuffed animals, perfectly fine things that you hate yourself for judging, and the curiosity and pity and contempt and shame crawl one-by-one up your shoulders and out of the top of your head which has opened like a lid, until the one emotion that's left is the one you don't want to name.

HOW TO EAT IT: Wine, Gummi worms, more wine, and the broken-up crackers from the bottom of the Ritz box. More wine.

*
FEELING: The one where you've built an idea about the future like an intricate origami creature inside your chest, and slowly or suddenly the possibilities turn into impossibilities and for hours or days there's a rustling in your rib cage as the complex structure destroys itself, unfolding and flattening, unfolding and flattening pleat by pleat.

HOW TO EAT IT: Maybe just like an entire loaf of bread. Put butter on it. Put anything you can find on it.

*
FEELING: The one where something fits so perfectly into a space you didn't notice was empty that you're suddenly aware of the shape of it, this vacuum that you've been carrying around unnoticed for weeks, and mixed with your relief at finally being whole is the knowledge that the next time you let go you are going to feel it, you are never going to be able to ignore it again.

HOW TO EAT IT: Don't eat it yet. Just buy about eight pounds of Milanos for later.

*
FEELING: The one where you realize you'll never kiss a particular person again and even though it's so trivial it feels like grief, it feels like someone has reached down your throat and is turning you inside out.

HOW TO EAT IT: Straight bourbon until you're unconscious.

 

Previously: Romance By You, For You

Photo via julia_manzerova/flickr.

Jess Zimmerman increases the penis joke and Hitchhiker's Guide reference density of the internet. She tweets a lot about feminism and dogs and stuff at @j_zimms

235 Comments / Post A Comment

area@twitter

Hairpin is absolutely killing it this week.

"...for hours or days there's a rustling in your rib cage as the complex structure destroys itself, unfolding and flattening, unfolding and flattening pleat by pleat."

Oh God. So painful and so perfect and so good. (And yes, that can only be fixed with all of the bread. Or possibly high-quality mac and cheese.)

MrsTeacherFace

@area@twitter That was my favorite bit too; excellent imagery! I know that feel bro.

Ragged But Right

@area@twitter For SERIOUS. I come back from my holidays to this bit of delicious perfection. #1, man. Oohhhh #1 No-one has named that feeling quite so gorgeously before, and it is SUCH a feeling.

RK Fire

@area@twitter OMG I have been struggling with this for the past six weeks and I have not had any high-quality mac and cheese to deal with it yet! That's clearly the issue.

High quality cheese with fancy crackers may do the trick as well. Or something else that is both cheesy and crunchy. Maybe some thin crust pizza or some normal pizza with a bit of cornmeal on the crust.

KeLynn

Holy what, bread? That feeling is fed with vodka and staying up so late with the unfolding that the only thing you can find to eat, when you finally realize you should probably eat, is some shitty chili hot dog in the dirty restaurant that ignores the smoking ban.

Bread is for the bad days at work when your mascara smeared and your boss accidentally made fun of your work in a meeting. Bread is for things going wrong that will blow over soon.

YoungLeafedJune

@area@twitter Yes, oh god. Someone give me all the carbs while I curate a Netflix marathon that will replace my real feelings with pretend ones (+ glucose).

kickupdust

@RK Fire ok maybe this will sound bonkers, but potato pizza. needs: naan bread/pizza crust, potatoes, olive oil, s&p & thyme, cheese of choice (I use the vegan stuff). to do: cut potato into really thin rounds, toss in olive oil and seasonings, roast in oven until juuust a bit crispy. put cheese on crust, arrange potatoes on top (maybe w/some caramelized onions), then bake!

anyway, that's what I have when I need to eat feelings. bready, carby, potato-y, cheesy, crunchy salty goodness.

RK Fire

@kickupdust OMG THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC

The only thing that I can think of that is somewhat comparable are these chorizo and potato quesadillas at one of my favorite sports bars, served alongside plenty of sour cream.

Spaghettius!

@area@twitter Potato pizza is fantastic! I've made mine with pizza dough drizzled with some olive oil, topped with thin raw potato rounds and caramelized onions and some rosemary, more olive oil and lotsa salt + pepper. OMFG.

Spaghettius!

@Spaghettius! I should have added that this all goes in the oven.
I tend to eat my feelings in the form of sour cream & onion potato chips completely slathered in sour cream & onion dip.

Dr. Witchbaby

@Spaghettius! I make a potato pizza that is almost exactly like this, only with bits of goat cheese and bacon (bacon slices, cut into 1/4-inch pieces, then cooked in a skillet before going on the pizza) on it, too! I've never added rosemary, although I bet it's AMAZING on there. Next time!

E. Dimples

@KeLynn I'd have to disagree. If the feeling isn't so bad that you can still leave your bed, there's something therapeutic about making your own bread and beating ever-loving piss out of the dough. And homemade bread is on a totally different level from some store-bought stuff that doesn't come with free therapy. I did it while recovering from those feelings and as a bonus, sharing my bread gave me an excuse to talk to my now husband once I was ready and full of delicious bread month after month.

jams

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jams

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jamsbond

Weird ice cream, maybe blood orange or cardamom. The whole thing. Don't be coy. Also, go ahead and smoke the rest of those.

is bubblegum casting legitimate

jams

We originate a actually well-familiar restaurant giving baked furthermore and barbequed beef's appendage. Weight loss drops

jams

And even if you take your children to this place, they will not experience it the same way you did. You cannot recreate the familiar happiness for them. High PR Backlinks

Helvetica

Perfection.

adriana

I'm feeling all these feelings lately.
So... hungry...

crookedlegs

FEELING: The one where a Hairpin post succinctly and gorgeously dissects out those feelings that you stuck way down deep at the bottom of your heart and piled to-do lists and old clipped recipes over so you wouldn't have to look closely enough at them to give them names.

HOW TO EAT IT: Swallow more Hairpin like this whole, all the time, please.

raised amongst catalogs

Feelings 2, 3 & 5 are all in the house* right now and can suck it.
*The house of my hearrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

meetapossum

I am crying at my desk. Thanks, the Hairpin.

sunflowers

@meetapossum YEP. Yep. Ugh, this was perfect.

Amphora

...bad breakup, eh?

Judith Slutler

mmmmm, feelings.

iceberg

FEELING: Nostalgia/homesickness for a particular location gives way to the gut-punching, breath-stealing realization that the nostalgia is tied to a particular time period; that even if you were to go back to the location, it would not be the same as it was before. Nothing will ever be the same as it was back then. And even if you take your children to this place, they will not experience it the same way you did. You cannot recreate the familiar happiness for them.

HOW TO EAT IT: The largest block of Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate you can get your hands on. Pairs well with the tears that will slide into the corners of your mouth.

Judith Slutler

@iceberg

FEELING: Same.

HOW TO EAT IT: You can't even find anything to eat it with, because the only thing that would work is blue chips and salsa, and they don't have that where you are, because your nostalgia/homesickness is for a place across the ocean.

Sea Ermine

@iceberg Yes. Except my way to eat it is with french fries purchased at the Frankfurt Weihnachtsmarkt in 2002.

kallitropos

@iceberg I don't have a food for that, but I do have a name: hiraeth!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiraeth

iceberg

@kallitropos OMG that's amazing! thank you!

robbermaiden89

@iceberg
Wow. I am /have been feeling this for a while now (2 years, almost?). Part of me wants to move back... but it's not the same, and I have to power through. I've been trying to cure this with seaweed salad, and breadsticks from work. I want that feeling HERE. Why are some places instantly "home" and others aren't?

maybe partying will help

@iceberg

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

How my head and heart want to eat it but can't: horchata but only horchata purchased at 3AM while still tipsy.

Better to Eat You With

@iceberg And it's soooo sad when you go back anyway and it's empty of the people who made it matter and it smells weird.

RubeksCube

@iceberg Oh wow you just made me tear up. Ugh. Thank you, but ugh. This feeling sucks.

theotherginger

@RubeksCube iceberg. you are killing it. you spawned such a beautiful thread that describes my life. also, three children.

iceberg

@theotherginger aww thanks darl!

Hugs to all of you who feel the same; may you never ill-advisedly watch YouTubes of meaningful songs from your missed homeland while weeping and clutching tiny babies.

missupright

@iceberg I was doing completely fine and not crying because who cries at things on the internet on a sunny afternoon with lots of work to do and then I got to your post and I miss home so much and this is home but that was home and now I am crying and eating all of the chocolate.

literary_hippie

@iceberg This is perfect. But when you get through the chocolate, you switch to red wine and cold tater tots. Because that's the food of sadness.

tea sonata

Did you just cut me open and spread all my feels out on the Sharing Table? I think you just did.

tea sonata

@tea sonata
Feeling - All the opinions at once. Welling from an unstemmable source of "What are you, some kind of idiot?"

How to eat it - These words are crunchy, and probably slightly salty. Use them as your biscuity base, and smother with Nutella. Finish the jar using a spoon

lobsterhug

Oh, that first one. Now I want a cigarette with my best friend, huddled out of the wind next to a fire exit where someone has posted a no smoking sign.

adorable-eggplant

@lobsterhug Do not make me fall of the wagon (but oh the ground looks so soft and grassy).

lobsterhug

@adorable-eggplant Stay strong! The grass is covering rocks. That ice cream will be much more delicious.

I say as someone who quit but always bums from my friends when I drink. So, grain of salt.

adorable-eggplant

@lobsterhug Haha, thanks for the reminder! Yeah, I am weak willed when drinking. Luckily, I've wooed a bunch of friends over to the wagon (now with fewer rocks!) so there's a smaller pool of temptation/spare cigarettes that cross my path. But ah the allure of rebellious indifference to authority... hmm, maybe I'll just finish a whole pint and call that a victory.

kickupdust

@adorable-eggplant drinking always gets me too! (don'tthinkaboutitdon'tthinkaboutitdon'tthinkaboutit)

Mayor of Butt City

Excuse me, I'd like to lodge a formal complaint with the Bureau of Shit Getting Too Real.

katekari

@Mayor of Butt City Seriously. I had to get up and go hyperventilate in the bathroom for a few minutes.

bananalise

@Mayor of Butt City For. Reals. Snuck up on me from behind, too. Never saw it coming.

ladypants

FEELING: I sent a stupid drunk text to the object of affection last night and can't bear to turn my phone on and see how bad it is. The text was bad enough that I'm pretty sure he'll no longer be the object of my affection. See also: I'm such an idiot sometimes.

EATS?

tea sonata

@ladypants Anything, but it must be smothered in melted cheese.

iceberg

@ladypants a chicken pot pie? a beef & vegetable stew? something substantial and proteiny, I think.

Emby

@ladypants Your phone. Just eat your phone.

Emby

@Emby Text-mex?

raised amongst catalogs

@Emby Caliphonia roll?

Judith Slutler

@ladypants Entire bag of salt and vinegar potato chips.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@ladypants Give your phone to your most responsible friend and get drunk. Then have her read it to you in a Waffle House. Order whatever feels right based on how bad the text is. Upside: The menu is cheap, and they're used to crying.

par_parenthese

@Judith Slutler "Entire bag of salt and vinegar potato chips" is my coping mechanism for all unpleasant emotions.

angelinha

@ladypants Cereal with milk and chocolate chips.

grizzle_bees

@Judith Slutler Yep. My #1 go-to for emotional-eats.

oh! valencia

@Emby Thanks for the laugh Emby.

Cat named Virtute

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Please someone get me all the cigarettes and bourbon and bread.

martinipie

What do you eat when you suspect the boss you have an inappropriate crush on but whom you thought also kinda had an inappropriate crush on you is fucking another employee and you are confused and can't be sure if it's really happening or you are making it all up but you can't care too much anyway because you wouldn't actually want it to happen but it's making you feel really crappy anyway?

iceberg

@martinipie Three hot dogs. On pretzel buns.

chevyvan

@martinipie Oh no...this happened to me except with a coworker and not a boss. And they were keeping it a secret, so it was like one week he was totally into me and flirting with me, and the next week he was sleeping with her, and I still thought he was into me b/c he was the week before, and then I looked like an idiot b/c I kept flirting with him and inviting him to get drinks after work.

Anyways, Chocolate chip cookies from the Whole Foods bakery.

hedgehog

@martinipie I don't know, but it's made of booze and I'll come and drink it with you.

Lu2
Lu2

@chevyvan My life. I'm sorry it's yours, too, at the moment. You don't look like an idiot, though. You're someone who was unfairly given the wrong information. P.S. Eff them! ;-)

OxfordComma

@martinipie : Pickle sandwich. (Two saltine crackers, bread and butter pickle chip in the middle, doused in ketchup. Preferably of the high fructose corn syrup variety.)

Azaz the Unabridged

Feeling: The one where you are sitting in the reference section of the library getting unexpectedly choked up because you just read Anne Frank's diary entry likening grape juice to what she imagines wine must taste like since they're made of the same fruit and then you read a piercingly lovely entry on feelings and then Devotchka's "And the winner is" begins playing on Pandora and suddenly you're logging in and typing an extreme run-on sentence. And snuffling.
How to eat it: with caramel iced coffee and a plastic wrapped brownie hidden in your pocket and consumed in the stacks because this is a LIBRARY and you should not be eating! But it is so delicious. Good lord I love The Hairpin.

literary_hippie

@Azaz the Unabridged And now that track plays over this whole page. Everything on it. And it's perfect. (But the whole version of the song, the one that rips your heart out)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pfi1UQ_PKQI

Emby

Ooh, I may be doing #3 right now w/r/t a job I applied to! I've been building very elaborate fantasies about moving and working somewhere new, and chances are they will all come crashing down! I must invest in loaves of bread now while there's still time.

RK Fire

@Emby Are you me?

Judith Slutler

@Emby If it's in the place I think you're talking about, I will gladly tell you ALL the downsides of it if it doesn't pan out. This may give you a few less reasons to eat loaves of bread.

fondue with cheddar

My boyfriend has taken to buying Milanos regularly, and they are the perfect companion to my depression. The packages are so small that if I eat too many he will be disappointed because he loves them too, and I will feel ashamed because I really shouldn't be eating cookies for dinner.

Sometimes I do anyway, I just eat fewer of them and supplement with ice cream and/or Sun Chips and/or marshmallows. Ugh.

raised amongst catalogs

@fondue with cheddar Have you seen the crazy things they're doing with Milanos these days?! Specifically the Milano Slices in Salted Pretzel?

fondue with cheddar

@raised amongst catalogs I've seen those! I don't know that I would buy them, though. I feel like you could get something similarly good for a much cheaper price. I might buy them for company though because they would look so pretty sitting in a fancy dish.

pinniped

Oh number 1. All of them really but number 1 the most. I wish it were possible to shortcut to that feeling with a pint of cardamom ice cream instead of enduring several booze-soaked hours.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

The one where you have all these feelings but they are compounded because you gave up drinking them away, but really, you miss whiskey. Miss-key?

iceberg

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Peanut brittle.

adorable-eggplant

@iceberg Oooo peanut brittle! Any kind of toffee, really.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@iceberg I've been chowing down on cinnamon candies.

flapadactyl

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose (I misread that as cinnamon candles, and somehow it was fine and made sense and had emotional resonance too)

TheMnemosyne

FEELING: The one where you realize what you thought was an emergency exit is really just an infinitely long hallway that you will maybe never reach the end of, there are no doors, there are no windows, there is no light except the tiny pinprick at the end of the hall. The door has shut and locked behind you, and you will never be 21 again.

HOW TO EAT IT: Gin and tonic with lime, chevre with flatbread crackers. Bitter, sour, adult.

adorable-eggplant

@TheMnemosyne With a side of Kafka novel.

YoungLeafedJune

Feeling: You have just moved across the country, away from all your family and your preferred deciduous forest biome and to a scrubby (if mountains-adjacent) sprawl, and are less than jazzed about it. How to Eat it: Lots of homemade soup for some reason, though it makes zero sense given the wildfire-spawning heat. Bonus points for scorning the aggressively health-conscious prevailing culture with shit tons of potatoes and sour cream and corn and ham.

Better to Eat You With

@YoungLeafedJune I did this very thing fourteen years ago. Somehow, the thing to eat was instant mashed potatoes. And now that's compounded by the fact that instant mashed potatoes have never tasted anywhere near as good since.

smartastic

@YoungLeafedJune Ooh, but by the winter you'll be way less homesick, drinking hot cocoa apres ski and laughing at us all trudging through muddy snow with no real mountains to speak of.

astrangerinthealps

I had #2 except that the contempt was for the way she decorated his house in super-loud colors (she painted his bedroom, previously chocolate-brown, a sickly shade of lime), and I never got much past contempt, followed by relief and indifference. The drink for that was kombucha, all the different flavors.

Katie Walsh

All of this yes.

Feeling #2: Vodka and fruit punch, cigarettes, fire escape, pages and pages of journal scrawled on in magic marker.

God, I guess I used to be an emo tween. Say it with me now: "you couldn't pay me to be 24 again."

OxfordComma

@Katie Walsh : YOU COULD NOT PAY ME TO BE 24 AGAIN.

...

Except for some of the tasty boys I made out with that year.
It was a good year for whiskey kisses.

Flora Poste

I am currently drinking peppermint tea and listening to Fiona Apple whilst waiting for Feeling 3 to rudely interrupt my fantasies about a lovely boy I really like BUT HOW DO I MAKE THEM REALITY FIONA??

Oh, squiggles

This is perfect, for many reasons, but also because I've just been pairing my feelings with whatever calorie-dense food I could get my hands on like a plebeian rube!

Hmm, so what do you eat for that constant feeling of doubt about yourself, your place in the universe, and all of your thoughts, feelings, and actions?

Roasted almonds? Maybe with a bit of cheese?

Jinxie

@Absurd Bird A pot of strong black tea, taken with a splash of milk, accompanied by fresh bread and butter. Invigorating and comforting! Not much a good pot of tea can't fix (and those things tea can't fix can be fixed by whiskey).

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Absurd Bird I recommend that you eat everything. All of the things.

Things that I've eaten lately as part of "all the things": Insane amounts of trail mix. Petit ecolier cookies, but with dark chocolate, and you wish it was milk chocolate. Burgers on brioche buns. Chili (vegetarian, because what happened to the ground beef you had in the freezer? did the cat steal it?). Pasta, until you leave it unattended and the cat tries to eat it. Pie and ice cream. Nutella. Some more Nutella. Wine.

Spaghettius!

@Absurd Bird Almonds don't work. I just tried.
Dry cured chorizo and olives.

Antonius Block

Ugh, the last one made me gasp and burst into tears.

Feeling: #5 except for the end date is like eight weeks away, but you will be out of town for five of those weeks because you're an idiot.

How to eat it: cranberry-flavored red bull, apparently. Open to suggestions / comforting words, though.

happy go lucky scamp

@Antonius Block yup that last one just got me - even if it was more than 5 years ago since my last breakup it still got me...
I don't have any suggestions, just kind words and hairpin hugs

par_parenthese

HOLY SHIT. This is the most... HAIRPIN. GET OUT OF MY HEAD (no i was just kidding don't ever leave i'm sorry stay stay hairpin stay forever).

melmuu

Wait, so the answer to all of these is not nachos made from ingredients that can be found at your corner liquor store or (somehow even more depressingly) Walgreens?
Also: This is really beautiful.

up cubed

@melmuu: 7-11

par_parenthese

Feeling: Realizing that none of the men in your life right now are ever going to ask you out, or even flirt with/hit on/make out with you and that, even though you are content with your life as it is in many wonderful ways, the potential reality of spending a whole lifetime without a partner makes you feel like you're not just at the bottom of a deep hole, you are that deep hole, stretching on forever.

How to eat it: Painstakingly-crafted meals for one with well-matched wine, NOT three Lean Cuisines eaten sullenly in bed with the box of wine on the bedside table.

Linette

@par_parenthese Just wanted to say you're one of my favorite people on the 'Pin, and I am so sorry that this is the Feeling.

I believe with all my heart that if you want a good partner for your life you will find one. I'm sorry it's not happening as quickly as you would like, but I believe I believe I believe.

par_parenthese

@Linette OMG crying. And laughing. BC I Believe is one of my favorite favorite Broadway songs everrrrrrrr. You are the bestest. Thank you.

Linette

@par_parenthese I thought it was pretty well impossible to be sad while watching that. And also the food that goes with Book of Mormon clip-watching is so much tastier. Fruit popsicles and popcorn!

Rubyinthedust

@par_parenthese box of wine on the bedside table, glad i'm not the only one.

katiemcgillicuddy

@par_parenthese I'm way late to this post, but yo, ditto on what @Linette said. I always love seeing your name pop up in threads. Be good to yourself, friend, you certainly deserve it.

par_parenthese

@katiemcgillicuddy @Linette

bananalise

@par_parenthese "...makes you feel like you're not just at the bottom of a deep hole, you are that deep hole, stretching on forever." Yessss, oh my god, this. You. Yes.

up cubed

FEELING: The empty space you expect to be there when you break up with your boyfriend of almost a decade. Call him up and ask him to tell you right then if he plans to break up with you this weekend. When he says he isn't like that, wonder whether the emptiness is actually created when your life-cocoon breaks open and your wings open.
Eat with: grilled cheese and wine, start consumption only after 10pm.

berthamason

Feeling: The bittersweet sadness that occurs several months after you break up with a good, but ultimately not good enough partner, and are enjoying the lightness of casual sex a bit too much, and you realize you don't miss the ex nearly as much as you think you should, and maybe not at all.

How to eat: Thick, dark coffee, with lots of sugar, sweet and gritty, like the liason with your caller from last night. Paired with a brownie from the coffee shop on your street.

chevyvan

@berthamason I am hoping to fall into a convenient coma so I can skip right over the next few months and jump right into the lightness of casual sex and not missing my ex so much.

the little c

@berthamason

I'm currently pairing this with one-pound bags of very salty pretzel twists. Mmmm, tastes like singledom.

berthamason

@chevyvan All the hugs to you. The first few months are the worst, but there will be many wonderful new feels in your future.

If it helps- my thing to eat during that time was all of the chips, and wine that got warm from sitting in my room all night, watching bad TV.

I Want To Go To There

I can't say that I've enjoyed a week of posting on any internets more than I have enjoyed this hairpin week, absolutely solid.

I Want To Go To There

@I Want To Go To There also this post makes me feel all the feelings

redheaded&crazy

BRB gotta buy a bottle of wine (highest percentage for lowest cost please) and a loaf of bread. and a jar of nutella! and peanut butter!

I actually don't even have any deep feelings going on, this post made me hungry though.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazy and thirsty.

Phlomis

Either the Pin is nailing it this week, or the Wellbutrin is kicking in. Maybe both?

FEELING: the vast sense of relief from discovering that, while things may change, it looks like the Hairpin is still going to be a wonderful and sane place.

How to eat: a pint of icy cold hard cider (or 3), and something melty with salted caramel. Outside in the sunshine.

adorable-eggplant

@Phlomis Cider! That is the drink of all my happy feelings. Plus a tub of rice pudding and then I am in actual heaven on earth.

Phlomis

@adorable-eggplant Me, too! It's the drink for all seasons and all occasions. Here in Portland, OR, there is now a bar that serves only cider. Walls and walls of cider. Weekly cider tastings. It's like a dream of cider.

adorable-eggplant

@Phlomis Oooo, maybe I will have to plan a trip to your fair city.

We have a cidery in my town that just opened up that makes cider with champagne yeast that's bone dry and lovely (although I do love me some more sugary options as well), so I'm not in a cider desert by any means, but I'm open for new adventures.

grizzle_bees

@Phlomis That makes my gluten-free heart swell.

smidge

@Phlomis I'm late, but, what bar is this??

Phlomis

@smidge Happy to proselytize! It's Bushwhacker Cider, on SE 12th just below Powell/26. Are you going to the cider fest? It was great fun last year, even in one of those insane June sunny rain dumpages. cidersummitnw.com

SmartCookie

FEELING: That empty/not empty question mark when all your friends are pregnant or engaged even though those aren't things you want for yourself

HOW TO EAT IT: Solo dinner out somewhere way fancier than you normally go + all the pretentious cocktails

par_parenthese

@SmartCookie Damn if I don't love some pretentious cocktails.

adorable-eggplant

@par_parenthese I one time has a cocktail that was grilled thyme in a champagne flute with a splash of something? It was fabulous and pretentious and fabulously pretentious. So thirded.

par_parenthese

@adorable-eggplant THYME in cocktails omg. Growing up, the window box outside my bedroom window had thyme in it and the smell of the breeze blowing across it was the most divine thing ever.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@SmartCookie I love this idea so very much. Maybe I'll do this on my next day off! *fake cough* *fake sneeze* *sorry, office, I think I'm coming down with something*

Watts Up?

FEELING: Looking at Father's Day cards for your husband, who is the amazing and wonderful Daddy to your children and deserves the best card ever, and suddenly your heart collapses and so do your knees and you are loudly choking back tears in the Target card section because THAT CARD is the one you would get your for own dad, were he still alive. And all those immediate grief feelings are flooding your brain and heart and all over the fucking place until you look up, and relief overcomes you that no one else saw your total emotional meltdown at the Father's Day card section in Target.

EATS: That box of Thin Mints you've hidden from yourself in the back of the freezer? All of them. And drink them with a big glass of milk, because that was your dad's favorite treat.

PomoFrannyGlass

Things my feelings most frequently taste like: Reese's pb/chocolate seasonal shapes (or pb/chocolate gelato when the Reese's eggs/pumpkins/hearts are out of season), ham sandwiches with everything from Potbelly (when I have feelings at the office before lunchtime), and pepperoni pizza/cheesy bread/side of ranch dressing from Domino's (when I am so drunk or so sad that I have no shame at all).

CooCooCaChaw

@PomoFrannyGlass Oh my god, Reese's seasonal shapes! So much better than regular Reese's. Love those smooth edges.

itiresias

I'm about to smoke one of my 6-month-old cigs for that first one. Soon as I send off this job application.

4 and 5 feed into each other so much. I'm still feeling my way around 4 so I skimmed it, got to 5 and went nopenopenope not now.

milominderbender

FEELING: You were already broke and then dumbly got a very expensive speeding ticket that will not only cost a lot of money but probably also cause your insurance to go up.

HOW TO EAT IT: Leftovers. Tuna fish.

Beatrix Kiddo

FEELING: The one where you're in a happy, long relationship that could be IT, but that just means you'll never, ever have any kind of romantic or sexual anything with anyone else, so the little part of you that craves excitement and thrives on potential energy shrivels up into a cold, hard lump between the clavicles.

HOW TO EAT IT: Cookie dough. Don't even bother with the charade of baking it.

CooCooCaChaw

@Beatrix Kiddo Oh my god, exactly. This one and #5: the bleach and ammonia of feelings.

HOW I EAT IT: Champagne and chocolate chip cookies, together, ideally when you're already impaired. Seriously, try it.

KatCLyon

So, I created an account today because: #3. Today. Like, the timing is fucking scary.

I had a conditional offer for my first really good job. I found out today that I can't meet the condition. I got the offer over a month ago, and you know how I spent that month - of course you do. I applied for financing on my first car. I filled out university applications because I would finally be able to afford part-time tuition. I packed to move and found a subletter for my place. Actually more like someone stomped on my origami critter, or maybe doused it in lighter fluid and threw it on a grill.

And you know what I craved, wandering around in a daze, in the drizzly, grey city after I found out? Mac and cheese. Got home, didn't feel like cooking, so I drank wine. Mac and cheese for breakfast, maybe.

OxfordComma

@KatCLyon : Shit. I am so sorry.

lucy snowe

This article was the balls.

Ah! I want a better term for how awesome it was. Loved it.

Roxanne Rholes

@lucy snowe The tits!

lucy snowe

@Roxanne Rholes TITS!!!!!!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

What should I eat when I actually found a posting for a job I could potentially get, but every time I email my resume to the person that I'm supposed to email it to, it bounces back, and I feel all of my recent self-loathing turning into even more self-loathing, like a gremlin that I fed after midnight?

sheistolerable

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Chips. And if you've started drinking your feelings . . . by all means do the Google-fu to find their proper email, but wait till morning to hit send.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@sheistolerable One step ahead of you. I have the right email address, but it just doesn't want my email. I think I'm not getting through their spam blockers :(

par_parenthese

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) PHONE CALL. For sure. They need to know that their spam blockers are blocking potentially awesome candidates.

But practical advice is dumb, please have this beautiful creature for brunch with a bloody mary, and some bacon (make it in the oven so you don't have to fuss with it!) if you are into meat products.

par_parenthese

Except I put neither cinnamon nor vanilla in mine because those are not my favorite breakfast flavors. Fresh nutmeg and lemon zest are my jam, but you can totally leave all that out. Just not the salt. Salt is crucial. The only key components are eggs, milk (or your dairy sub of choice), and salt, and then something to sweeten it when it comes out. (Shoot I really hope you're not vegan or my advice is worthless. OH IF YOU ARE, bloody marys are vegan. Still do that.)

sheistolerable

This and the Fairy Tales post = the reasons why The Hairpin is the best part of the whole internet, ever. I FEEL SEEN I SEE YOU

sheistolerable

Re #2: is it weird that being in a happy partnership, I kind of miss having new exes-of-current-things or currents-of-ex-things to hate stalk? ON BALANCE, this life is better than the old one, but I actually kind of miss that particular feeling. Weird, right?

divot

@sheistolerable Congratulations. How wonderful.

kickupdust

@divot oh, that was mean.

@sheistolerable - I totally get what you mean! actual, SINCERE congrats! being happy shouldn't be something to be sniffed at.

adorable-eggplant

@sheistolerable I think it's the vividness of the feeling that's missable. Plus, it's just a touch rosier in the memory than in practice. I getcha.

allofthewine

@sheistolerable I think this is vaguely related to your points, but I'm happily engaged, but I miss first kisses and getting to learn someone new in that intimate way (not even sexually, you guys). To realize that I will never have that butterflies-in-the-stomach-should-I-make-the-first-move again is kind of sad in itself.

Emmettalie

The feeling at the end of a long day of life being just not quite what you somehow dreamed it would be when you were younger, but then you come home to the most true article, followed by that one comments section on the internet where everyone is perfectly lovely and completely supportive and nobody picks fights or brings up Hitler, and everyone is witty and warm like that one best friend you used to have but somehow don't have anymore because of no reason in particular except that sometimes in life your friends just drift away, but now you feel like maybe you could find another one, because look at all these wonderful ladies who think like you and maybe instead of spending all your time being melancholy and nostalgic for your early twenties, your life now will turn into something equally amazing and meaningful, but somehow totally different because, let's face it, you will never be quite as stupid ever again as you were in your early twenties.
How to eat it: A celebratory glass of wine, because you are a classy grown-up now, and one farewell clove cigarette before giving up both smoking and dwelling on the past. Also probably some Ben & Jerry's.

Blue skies

@Emmettalie I'm in my early twenties (23) and that helped because sometimes I really feel so young and dumb and like I don't know what I want. I know I am figuring it all out and I'm actually really lucky and have a good first job, my own place, etc, but like I'm so damn confused all the time. So I look forward to the amazing/meaningful combo.

stonefruit

I know this isn't even remotely the point, but I just noticed that those pistachios are kosher for Pesach. What!

Emmettalie

@stonefruit I think they're actually kosher parve (neither meat nor dairy). I'm pretty sure they spell out Passover on the kosher for Pesach stuff. (Plus they use the name Passover, because the goyim would get too squeamish at such a jewy word as Pesach)

stonefruit

@Emmettalie I don't think that's how it works. The default for OK (and OU, and Star K, and I think all the major kosher certifying agencies) is that when a product just has their symbol, with no other markings, the product is pareve. When the product is labeled with the symbol and a P, it's for Pesach. And these pistachios have the OK-P label.

KASHRUT! Oh joy.

fondue with cheddar

@Emmettalie I am a goy who loves the word Pesach. My dad and brother both married Jewish ladies, and their families usually say Passover. Why say that when you can save a syllable and say a Hebrew word with that fun "ch" sound?

stonefruit

@fondue with cheddar It is a lovely word! Plus sometimes you have a boss who isn't Jewish and asks you what "Pee-Satch" is, and that is also entertaining.

fondue with cheddar

@stonefruit HAHAHAHA pee-satch. That's great. :)

stonefruit

@fondue with cheddar I mean, bless her heart for trying, right? She knew very few Jews.

She had a lot of trouble saying it, too - it would usually come out as p'SACH (she could get the "ch" sound and the soft "a" sound, but couldn't maneuver the first syllable or figure out where the stress fell).

fondue with cheddar

@stonefruit I actually learned most of my Hebrew and Yiddish words from a boss who WAS a Jew. :)

Emmettalie

@stonefruit I'm practically the only Jew at the grocery store where I work, so every Jewish holiday my bosses come hunt me down for instructions on what to order and how to display it. It's always funny when semi-clueless co-workers or customers ask where our kosher food is. I always end up having to explain about hechschers and follow up by pointing out just how much food is kosher that you might not really expect. I learned to read labels growing up with a mom who kept a kosher kitchen. We do have a little corner of an aisle where we keep the matzo and gefilte fish and whatnot. I refer to it as the Shtetl (nobody gets it)

grizzle_bees

THAT LAST ONE. Christ on fire, has there ever been a more perfect way to describe the aching, gnawing feeling of a breakup? I remember being 17 and having broken up with a boy that I didn't even *LIKE* all that much (in retrospect, of course) and the thing that always punched me right in the feels was how GOOD he looked and how I couldn't make out with him anymore. UHHH THE NOSTALGIA, remembering a hurt from 12 years ago while at my desk at work, how do I eat for that??

grizzle_bees

@shart_attack I know I *AM* going to listen to every Saves the Day album back-to-back on full crank in my empty office and feel like I'm a teenager and unloved by everyone yet with so much love to give. THANKS HAIRPIN.

adorable-eggplant

@shart_attack Saves the Day. Man, yeah, nostalgia. Maybe I'll drive around aimlessly for a bit now. Feelings.

ayo nicole

"HOW TO EAT IT: Don't eat it yet. Just buy about eight pounds of Milanos for later."

Stop. This is too good. I was just thinking about what non-perishables I can binge eat, or what kind of cookies freeze well, for this exact moment. Because I'm pretty sure it would feel a lot worse if your anticipated binge food went bad like, the day before you needed it.

Hellcat

The one where you have to put down your quirky, beloved cat, and you know it was the right thing, yet you still feel so, so guilty anyway and cry and cry and find yourself absentmindedly petting a throw pillow as you stare at the TV, or thinking things like, "I would be putting a bowl of food onto the floor right now...". And for three or four nights in a row, your only sustenance is the lime your BF puts into your G&Ts. Ugh...

Whatnot

@Hellcat After years of lurking, I created an account because I have the same Feelings, only it was my beloved dog and it has been a week but I can't believe how much it still hurts [and the guilt, oh the crushing guilt, even though I, too, know it was the right thing] and what a hole has been left in my life. The spot where his bowls are supposed to be gets me every time I walk by.

And my sustenance is the lime in my margaritas. Here's to our beloved pets.

Blue skies

@Whatnot @Hellcat I had to make the call for our family dog, three years ago. It was absolutely the right thing and she was very ill by that time, but the guilt stuck around a while. Eventually it got better. It is sometimes still hard to walk in that house and not be greeted by our dog. But it does get better.

Hellcat

@Blue skies I'm actually possibly adopting two 12-week-old, long-haired boys tomorrow. It's fast (and, of course, I'm feeling guilty about that too, as if I'm hurting my cat's feelings somehow) but the shelters get pretty full at this time of the year, and part of me does feel like if I have a home to share, I should share it--that's what I did for the cat I just lost, and I should continue that. I'm going to be sad with or without kittens in the house; why not be sad while helping them too, I suppose. And the (allergic-to-cats) BF has surmised that I don't know how to live without a pet and that it will be good for me. Still, guilt...

omgkitties

@Hellcat The only not terrible spin I've heard on the relatively short lifespan of cats and dogs is that at least we are able to meet and love a few, otherwise we'd stay with one and so many would be uncared for.

Finger crossed for the adoption!

steenie

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dharmabean

HOW TO EAT IT: Straight bourbon until you're unconscious.

True story.

Emmettalie

@stonefruit I'm practically the only Jew at the grocery store where I work, so every Jewish holiday my bosses come hunt me down for instructions on what to order and how to display it. It's always funny when semi-clueless co-workers or customers ask where our kosher food is. I always end up having to explain about hechschers and follow up by pointing out just how much food is kosher that you might not really expect. I learned to read labels growing up with a mom who kept a kosher kitchen. We do have a little corner of an aisle where we keep the matzo and gefilte fish and whatnot. I refer to it as the Shtetl (nobody gets it)

srsly

bourbon for dinner it is.

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FEELING: Two months into the new job that got you out of the last, horrible job, and realizing that you are no better off, and in fact, will probably end up being a secretary for the Rest of Your Life simply because you are too damn scared to not have a steady job, no matter how awful it is.

HOW TO EAT IT: 1 pound of colby-jack cheddar, vodka gummi bears, and a large salami. Pairs well with cursing the decision to attend a liberal arts college and major in English.

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