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Monday, June 3, 2013

150

29 Recreational Wheeled Vehicles, by Sexiness

29. Segway
28. Roller blades
27. Roller skates
26. Scooter
25. Unicycle
24. Motorized bicycle
23. Small police dolly
22. ATV
21. Minivan
20. RV
19. Tricycle
18. Skateboard
17. Golf cart
16. Amphibious car
15. Bus
14. Dune buggy
13. Monster truck
12. Limousine
11. SUV
10. Van
9. Moped
8. Riding lawnmower
7. 18 wheeler
6. Bicycle
5. Tank
4. Motorcycle
3. Car
2. Tractor
1. Pickup truck

150 Comments / Post A Comment

anachronistique

Ohhhh I got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you got a brand new key!

Anne Helen Petersen

DUDES WITH WHITE PICK-UP TRUCKS: I am yours forever.

schrodingers_cat

@Anne Helen Petersen UMPH, white pick-up trucks. White pick-ups are for summer flings

Ellie

@Anne Helen Petersen The guy I lost my shit for to a greater extent than I ever have for every other person, creating all the problems in my life in the past year(and causing me to write about it a lot on the Hairpin), drives a white pickup truck. Having recovered from this obsession I am now scheming to buy it from him as he at one point had been planning to sell it. Now I'm wondering if it is some Samson type thing.

Mila

@schrodingers_cat I had a fling with a guy with a white pick-up truck when I was 17. He was the most mismatched of any dude I ever had a romance with. He managed a gun store and was a Republican. I was a nerdy hippie chick. I had just found out I didn't get into Stanford, and I was feeling really down and then I ran into him at a coffee shop, and a cute guy who I was a lot smarter than flirting with me felt like just what I needed. We had a week long fling that consisted of us yelling at each other about gun control and making out a lot. In his white pickup truck. Ah, memories!

area@twitter

She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy?

lora.bee

@area@twitter That will be stuck in my head all day now, and I am NOT complaining.

Judith Slutler

I was prepared to bitch and whine about anything that beat out "bicycle", but actually, WELL PLAYED.

tooschoolforcool

@Judith Slutler Except for Tank. I just can't passively accept Tank beating Bicycle.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@tooschoolforcool Except a guy on a Razor with an RPG beats Tank

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

And rock beats guy on a Razor with an RPG.

Good ol' rock...

OhMarie

I went to France last month for work and rollerblades are legitimately still a thing in Paris! I was shocked. I even said something to the French guy I was working with, like, "Oh, I haven't seen rollerblades in a long time in the US" and he said, "what, you prefer full roller skates??" as if there was no way we could get by without foot wheels.

KeLynn

@OhMarie - There is an 8-mile multi-use paved trail thing at a park closeish to my house. Last summer I went there to ride my bike and was shocked to see that in this small pocket of Ohio, rollerblades are still absolutely a thing. Only in this one park, though!

missupright

@OhMarie IN PARIS EVEN THE POLICE HAVE ROLLERSKATES. That's genuinely true- they equip the riot police with rollerskates so that they can move fast in times of emergency. I was in a protest last summer and just saw this pack of policeman zipping and zooming about. It was like living in The Future (as imagined in 1975).

OhMarie

I will say that I was pretty into it. Made me want to get out my rollerblades but they need some wheel grease or something.

cinnamonskin

@OhMarie Holy carp, I saw a man here in Nola on rollerblades last week. He was falling all over a busy street. I couldn't believe my eyes. "maybe it's for a movie?"

iceberg

really tricycle beats out roller blades and roller skates? I mean I guess roller blades say "I think it's 1994" but tricycle says "I am this many *holds up 4 fingers*"

unless it's an adult tricycle which please tell me is hipster sexy because I can't ride a bike and I want one.

Judith Slutler

@iceberg If I were a mother of triplets I would definitely not be seen riding any vehicle except a Christiania bike. Which technically is a trike. Just saying: Milford Sound in New Zealand THOSE COULD BE YOUR BERGY BITS

iceberg

@Judith Slutler OMG NEEEEEED!

Judith Slutler

@iceberg booo broken image can't fix :(

anyway, this: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_uUql0BF0HDA/SJrgFJtza4I/AAAAAAAAAXE/Gl-PZXmf5_Q/s1600-h/christiania.jpg

packedsuitcase

@iceberg Christiania bikes are the BEST! I loved seeing kids hanging out in them, having a blast. Bonus: super strong legs which I'm pretty sure = the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Superhero training, y'all.

iceberg

@packedsuitcase might have to wait until the BBs are a bit less prone to fighting, or at least less fighting dirty.

Judith Slutler

@iceberg but how will you fit them all in there when they're 25?

hallelujah

@iceberg I CAN'T RIDE A BIKE EITHER! Yayyyy stunted motor development!

Amphora

@hallelujah My people! Next week is Bike To Work Week and I feel so damn left out.

Verity

@Judith Slutler My mother (I am a triplet) had an adult-sized tricycle that she used to take us to playgroup on! There was a seat at the back that we could fit on. So, yes, this is clearly a thing.

A. Louise

Scooters should be much, much higher if we're talking about the Buddy/Vespa variety, not the Razor variety.

Pickup trucks are only sexy on the day you have to move.

empathicalist

@A. Louise - Especially if we are talking vintage Vespas, Lambrettas, etc. Yum.

KeLynn

@A. Louise - Seriously! (About the scooters, not the trucks - who are you??) Such scooters should be right below bicycles.

A. Louise

@KeLynn somebody who commutes quite a bit and gets cut off on the daily by - you guessed it, pickup trucks.

Not that I blame them, when I borrow my Mom's SUV to haul things I am QUEEN OF THE ROAD and will take my lane with Fire and Blood. (Ok, enough GoT references out of me today, I promise.) But they definitely lose their sex appeal for me based on that.

My gentleman friend also drives a Mini Cooper, which is possibly #1 on my list (before we even started dating - I saw him pull up on our first date and knew he was a keeper) so I'm on the opposite end of the size & style spectrum of attractiveness, I guess!

empathicalist

@A. Louise - My old rides

http://www.flickr.com/photos/embryoconcepts/8941618432/

How do embed images?!

KeLynn

@A. Louise Yikes! When I think of pickup truck guys, it's more Kentucky boys in work shirts and baseball hats who are more likely to let you cut in than cut you off. I will pay attention on my commute home to see if my stereotype is based on my reality!

A. Louise

@Francesca Fiore

Let's be friends. Those are some very stylish rides!

empathicalist

@A. Louise - Sigh, stylish no longer. After the complete and total nightmare that was Mini ownership, I'm moved on to what I think of as the mom jeans of vehicles - a CRV. Would have preferred an Element, but it didn't work out (Elements can carry a scooter in the back).

magnowlia

@A. Louise For real - I dated a guy with a Vespa for a while, when he switched it for this thing(http://www.totalmotorcycle.com/motorcycles/2012models/2012-Honda-CB250R3.jpg) I knew the end was near...

fondue with cheddar

I don't know, I thought it was pretty hot on when my boyfriend told me he could ride a unicycle.

I will let him know that moped made it to #9, though, because he feels a little self-consicous riding his around town sometimes (but it's so fuel efficient!)

narwhalsandwich

@fondue with cheddar was it...a motorized unicycle?

fondue with cheddar

@narwhalsandwich That actually sounds pretty scary! No, the unicycle and the scooter are two different things. I think he might still have the unicycle but I'm not sure.

Shelly Brisbin@twitter

@fondue with cheddar Agreed! I used to see a unicycle-riding dude around my neighborhood. Whenever he stopped someplace, women flocked to him to ask questions. I woulda been one of them, but by then, my husband had our tandem bicycle unlocked and ready to ride.

fondue with cheddar

@Shelly Brisbin@twitter Nice.

Sometimes I wish I'd known my boyfriend when he was in college, because he had so many sexy things going for him. Not that he isn't sexy now, but what you're attracted to when you're in college is not usually the same as what you're attracted to when you're older.

(Also, when my boyfriend was in college I was in grade school, so it would have been pretty gross if we'd dated. "Dated.")

up cubed

@fondue with cheddar Did he go to Harvey Mudd?

magnowlia

@fondue with cheddar My high school boyfriend rode his unicycle to school. He could also juggle.

fondue with cheddar

@upupandaway No, but maybe he should have. ;)

@magnowlia At the same time? *swoon*

Emby

0.

AMS
AMS

@Emby Oh geez. I've been on that thing before, in that very hallway! Can't remember where it was. Vancouver?

frigwiggin

I can't agree with the sexitude of pickup trucks, mostly because pickup truck drivers are assholes on the freeway. Barely a day goes by where one of them doesn't tailgate me relentlessly or zoom by at 95mph without using turn signals. I cannot abide.

iceberg

@frigwiggin also notorious honkers/catcallers, which, gross. (sorry not sorry for stereotyping ;)

whizz_dumb

@frigwiggin small pickup trucks or work tucks are practical and cool. But here in Northern California, dudes be drivin' huge ass trucks with nor-cal stickers and afflicted shirts on, accelerating super loudly because they think that makes them tough, but they aren't actually using that truck to haul shit so it is a pathetic display.

blueblazes

@whizz_dumb Compensating, compensating, COMPENSATING. As a lady who drives a pickup for legit hauling purposes, I cringe every time I see some poser in a lifted F-250 that has clearly never touched mud and has too high a center of gravity to pull anything. That truck cost $60k. Next time just spend the money on a damn penis enlargement and cut out the middleman.

whizz_dumb

@blueblazes PREACH! They're everywhere. There's very little difference between them and little boys playing pretend with their matchbox cars in the sandbox going, "VROOM VVVROOOOM! b-bb-b-bb-brrrr". 98% chance of sunglasses on back of neck.

Emby

I used to drive a beat-up old jeep, how's that do?

(Actually I still drive a beat-up old jeep, but it's a Cherokee now because it's better for hauling stuff for camping.)

iceberg

@Emby hot.

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg You are correct.

Judith Slutler

@iceberg approved.

fondue with cheddar

@Emby There you go, you just filled your Jeep with a bunch of ladies! Let's all go camping!

par_parenthese

@iceberg Room for one more? Bc HOT.

fondue with cheddar

@par_parenthese I'VE GOT A FIVE-PERSON TENT OH YEAH

Emby

@fondue with cheddar But only one sleeping bag, what to do :(

fondue with cheddar

@Emby Eh...who wants to use a sleeping bag in the summer, anyway?

gravie

As a derby girl I disagree with roller skates being 27th

DianaPrince

@gravie Seconded. Derby girls and the carhops at Sonic are hot.

QuadrophonicSound

@gravie I was going to say, clearly Edith does not frequent the Roller Derby. Our local league fund-raised this year by selling a... modest, but pinup-esque calendar highlighting players at various local sponsers.

Beatrix Kiddo

@gravie I'm not even a derby girl and I think roller skates are sexy. I feel like if you just shuffled Edith's picks and randomly rearranged them it would be a more accurate list.

amirite

@gravie Thank you! Also a derby girl, and I'm kicking myself that I wasn't in the comments defending us on Monday.

fondue with cheddar
laurel

@fondue with cheddar Hot.

iceberg

@fondue with cheddar AWESOME but not "wheeled".

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg Shit, you're right. It's a vehicle, but I forgot it said "wheeled."

Still hot, though.

AMS
AMS

1. Helicopter?

2. Just had a conversation about Segways last night (e.g. that moment when T-Pain was on stage on a Segway; also, youtubing "Segway accidents"). In the middle of us guffawing about the hilarity of Segways, one of my friends sheepishly admitted that she went on a Segway Tour. This means many many Segways in a line. And get this, she said that although she had no choice but get on the Segway, when she did, she felt like it was the Most Awesome Vehicle in the World. She felt like she was on a motorcycle, speeding down the highway. I think this totally explains why people look the way they look on Segways.

cosmia

@AMS My friend just won a Sedgeway tour from an Arrested Development party raffle prize, I am totally going with

AMS
AMS

@cosmia Full report needed, please

fondue with cheddar

What about recumbent bikes? I drive by a dude riding one every day and, while it's not exactly sexy, he's clearly enjoying himself and doesn't give a shit what people think, which is sexy.

large__marge

@fondue with cheddar Bonus points for sexiness if they're so far back they're pedaling with their hands.

laurel

@fondue with cheddar There's a young lady in my town with a degenerative nerve disorder who gets around on a recumbent quad. She is quite sexy.

fondue with cheddar

@large__marge Haha. Actually, they're shaped more like Big Wheels, where the pedals are in front of you rather than under your butt. But your image is hilarious!

fondue with cheddar

@laurel That's awesome. I wish they were more popular because they're so ergonomic.

meetapossum

#1 should be train.

BosomBuddy

@meetapossum Co-signed.

mlle.gateau

This list is far less controversial than the list about GoT men, though I have to ask, where does "cart drawn by miniature horse" fit onto this scale?

meetapossum

@mlle.gateau Just under "wagon pulled by a Hodor"

large__marge

I had a boyfriend who would rollerblade around in ripped light-wash jeans and a sleeveless T-shirt. In 2011.

whizz_dumb

If a lady were to ask me how she could look extremely attractive I'd answer, "Wear red pants and ride a bicycle".

iceberg

@whizz_dumb INTERESTING SIDEBAR: i expect the list order changes depending on gender and orientation, but maybe i'm just gender policing and heteronormative ;)

whizz_dumb

@iceberg I agree. I expect the list order changes depending on the individual author--no I get what you mean, just poking fun.

REITERATING DIGRESSION: red pants are hot.

olivebee

@whizz_dumb As someone who owns two pairs of red pants (two different shades and materials) and bike commutes....thanks, whizzdumb! I will now feel a bit more attractive whilst puffing and chugging my slow cruiser bike against the heavy Chicago winds.

KeLynn

@whizz_dumb - I spent all summer two summers ago trying to find the perfect red skinny jeans. It could not be done. Then last summer I wanted some but I was afraid I had missed the trend. And now I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but I swear they were EVERYWHERE in 2011 and NOWHERE in 2012 and I felt weird about that. But you have renewed my desire to find some. (Although I will not be bicycling in them.)

cosmia

Sedgeways aren't sexy and are yet the definitive mode of transportation for Gob Bluth? COME ON

Anna Jayne@twitter

@cosmia co-sign.

Li'l Sebastian

@cosmia Author of this post says:

hallelujah

No way, rollerskates totally have the capacity to be hot. T.I. in ATL, helloooooo!

meetapossum

Also, are rollerskates and rollerblades really considered "vehicles?" I say nay.

meetapossum

Ugh. Now I don't understand. Wikipedia seems to think they are, but I can't really agree.

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum vehicle: 1 a thing used for transporting people or goods, esp. on land, such as a car, truck, or cart.

Maybe? It is kind of a stretch, though.

meetapossum

@fondue with cheddar But then Wikipedia says "Most vehicles, with the notable exception of railed vehicles, have at least one steering mechanism." I guess that's what I normally associate with the word "vehicle." Rollerskates are just shoes with wheels. I mean, are ice skates a vehicle?

meetapossum

(I don't know why I'm so invested with this terminology.)

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum No, it's cool! I love analyzing words like this.

If most vehicles have a steering mechanism, that means a steering mechanism is not a necessary component, which means rollerskates are not necessarily excluded. And besides, there is technically a steering mechanism—the human body.

I'm just playing devil's advocate for the sake of argument. Technically they do move you from one place to another, but I agree they're not what I normally consider a vehicle.

meetapossum

@fondue with cheddar I wouldn't call the human body a "steering mechanism," though. The term "mechanism" implies some sort of separate machine from the operator. Obviously the "steering mechanism" in a car is the steering column, not the person AND the steering column.

meetapossum

@fondue with cheddar NB: Based on my definition, I also don't consider skateboards to be vehicles either.

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum True, it's not technically a mechanism. But it something that can be steered, whereas a train is not. Regardless, steering doesn't seem to be a component of what defines a vehicle.

I think we've played out this analysis, and I'm not invested in the side I'm arguing, anyway. Non-vehicle wins. :)

Mila

@meetapossum I feel like because you WEAR roller skates, they are more gear than vehicle. Where as a skateboard you ride on, ergo, vehicle.

meetapossum

@Mila I can get on board with that reasoning.

Probs

One of my Neighborhood Characters is a very slim, petite woman with a dyed-blonde ponytail who rollerblades all over the place wearing a black bodysuit, a baseball cap, and radio headphones.

whizz_dumb

I saw a grown man with a goatee and tattoos riding one of these in San Francisco yesterday:

anachronistique

@whizz_dumb in San Francisco

Of course you did.

Probs

@whizz_dumb Yikes. I occasionally see guys going to work here in DC on the normal, single pronged variety. The other day I was on a drunken rant about how only white, straight, middle class men would ever take a Razor scooter to work.

Diana

@whizz_dumb

What color was his utilikilt?

darklingplain

Riding lawnmowers aren't sexy, they're the vehicle of suburban dads who have actual tractor envy.

olivebee

@darklingplain Haha, I was in charge of mowing our lawn when I was in middle school/high school, and I used to ride the lawn mower around in my bathing suit top (and shorts) so that I could get tan while doing yardwork. In retrospect, I really regret doing this.

darklingplain

@olivebee Ha, I was also in charge of mowing our lawn but our yard was too small and hilly for a riding lawn mower, so I used to shove around the mower and sweat and swear a lot. It was not sexy (also possibly where my hostility towards riding lawnmowers comes from).

olivebee

@darklingplain Oh, yeah. I rue the day my dad decided that the push mower made nicer looking lines in the yard, so he made me switch to using that for our front yard (which was one big hill). So much [unsexy] grunting and sweating.

olivebee

I think skateboards should be higher on the list (though I might be biased because my husband and I starting dating in high school, when he was really into skateboarding).

Also, SUVs, especially Hummers, would be, like, #17090875 on my list. Get your goddamn gas guzzler off my roads unless you regularly commute with >4 children or soldiers.

Amphora

@olivebee Hey, my SUV was pretty sexy - it had a roaring manual transmission that I used to impress the meathead guido college students who tried to get in my way and it absolutely flew over bumps in the road! Totally safe!

The sexiest car though was my friend's grease-converted 1990-ish Mercedes.

Dandyliongirl

I wholeheartedly agree with the position of tractors on this list. However, amphibious cars should be in first place. How could anyone deny this sexiness:

par_parenthese

@Dandyliongirl Yes.

laurel

@Dandyliongirl Came here to say.

DianaPrince

@Dandyliongirl Also:

(James Bond is inside, in case you can't tell.)

Edith Zimmerman

@Dandyliongirl Easily?

Etruscan Duck

So my penny-farthing falls where on this list?

Amphora

@Etruscan Duck Right above the hansom cab. It's a bumpy ride on those cobbled streets either way!

BosomBuddy

The delorean should be #1, obviously.

titmouser

Let's get real. Roller blades are far hotter than a riding lawnmower.

Beatrix Kiddo

@titmouser Especially if you take into account the physical fitness of the user.

laurel

@titmouser

A. Louise

@laurel I don't dislike anything about this photo.

harebell

uggggh there is nothing remotely sexy about SUVs or riding lawnmowers. They should be # 19999998 and #1999999999 respectively.

brilliantmistake

1. Tyrion - limousine
2. Gendry - monster truck
3. Drogo - motorcycle
4. Jon Snow - scooter
5. Ned Stark - white truck
6. Jamie - SUV

Amphora

@brilliantmistake Baelor - unmarked white van with painted-over windows.

iceberg

@brilliantmistake Daenerys - Caddy convertible?

KeLynn

#100: This bike. There is a guy who rides this around Cincinnati and he kills me. (This is not a picture of the same guy, but just the same sort of bike.)

whizz_dumb

@KeLynn Oh god, here in Oakland there's a bunch of dudes who've taken this idea further (higher) and I can't help but get annoyed at them.

KeLynn

@whizz_dumb higher??? Good god, I get worried every time I see the guy on a two-high bike, I cannot imagine higher. I also am not clear how he dismounts??

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

How sexy is a rototiller?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

Nitro-burning funny car?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

Those annoying little pocket bikes that were everywhere until people wised up and banned them?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

A solar car built by STEM nerds, because even though it's solar and cool and all, several of them are probably hard core libertarians and most of them probably have an attitude about being in a "practical" field like STEM, and not - you know - humanities or whatever.

Xanthophyllippa

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict Naw. All the STEM students are too exhausted from their course loads to care about practicality, since they don't believe they'll ever graduate anyway.

lindseygrad

totally accurate. great job.

Rubyinthedust

"it's a girl my lord in a flatbed ford slowin down to take a look at me"

Professor Zero

1. Locomotive
2. CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

dr. annabel lies

Tricycle should be #1

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dayree

Wow, this is an awesome list you have come up with, over here. I must confess I always keep staring at a Segway when I see one on the street, but I never had the opportunity to mount one. The sensation of using one, even in regular speed, must be way cool. It is like sliding across big distances within minutes, it must be even more enjoyable to use it than driving your car. This list has really been a breath of fresh air, now I need to return to my used cars for sale in Pittsburgh PA offers. New year requires a new car, well, so to say it.

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