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Thursday, May 23, 2013

152

Why Did You Lose Him?

Usually I buy old knitting magazines for the patterns, but the March 1963 issue of Stitch magazine also featured recipes, horoscopes, and relationship advice—including this quiz, which tells you why all of your relationships have failed. (It seems likely that it was something you did.)

(Click here to enlarge.)

Jen Eatson is a woman on the internet.



152 Comments / Post A Comment

area@twitter

Why did I lose him? He managed to pull the stake in his hand out of the wall.

PistolPackinMama

@area@twitter I haven't trained him to come on recall for his name. And is he takes off running after a squirrel, he can be out of range before he hears me yelling for him.

Oh, sorry, that's greyhounds, not boyfriends.

fondue with cheddar

This could have been much simpler.
Part 1: Are you a stalker?
Part 2: Are you an asshole?
Part 3: Are you needy?
Part 4: Are you afraid of commitment?

fondue with cheddar

Ha, obviously I read the questions and not the answers.

Jill_Tata

Art. Pure art.@k

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

He was just so little and got lost among the clutter.

frigwiggin

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Poor winter boyfriends.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@frigwiggin It's like hair ties and bobby pins: no matter how many we have, we'll always lose them. And then we'll go get more, or borrow one from a friend.

SarcasticFringehead

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose And then you clean out your drawers when you move and find whole communities of them down there among the lint and dust bunnies, and promise yourself that this time you'll keep track of them, but you never do.

RNL
RNL

@frigwiggin If your winter boyfriend is little, you're doing it wrong.

fondue with cheddar

Why did I lose him? I forgot to plant that microchip under his skin.

Lili B.

@fondue with cheddar they're good at clawing those collars off with their feet.

TheRisottoRacket

Oh how appropriate, seeing as my boyfriend and I are probably breaking up today.

adriana

:(
Internet hugs to you

TheRisottoRacket

@adriana Aw thanks :(
I didn't mean to be so dramatic, I'm very angry with him right now. And he's very angry with me and I don't entirely understand why. It's just so dumb. I'm so crazy about him, but he thinks everything and I have to be perfect all the time and it's stressing me out and him out I guess.

Sorry to post jack! Rant over.

adriana

No worries! Threadjack away, it's what the Pin is for sometimes... Whether you break up or not, or whether or not you know exactly why, good luck, and the best advice I've come up from my own current messy breakup is "do you, girl."

whizz_dumb

@TheRisottoRacket Not like I'm great at saving relationships--and I'm not sure if this one should be saved because expecting everything to be perfect all the time is unreasonable, which is reasonably annoying--BUT if you haven't been blunt with him, saying or even emailing (since fights break out) something along the lines of "I'm so crazy about him, but he thinks everything and I have to be perfect all the time and it's stressing me out and him out I guess" might wake him up. I know there have been times that I needed something spelled out because I was too stupid to read between the lines, or my judgement was clouded with the emotions of arguing. If he isn't apologetic and genuinely attempts to stop being a projecting perfectionist...fire up the coals.

TheRisottoRacket

@whizz_dumb Thank you. The advice is very much appreciated! I'm really mad right now, so I've been reluctant to speak to him yet today.

But thanks so much guys :) Always loving da 'Pin.

TheBelleWitch

You definitely want to bait your guy, not trap him. That way, he'll take the bait back to his nest, where he'll die and be cannibalized by the others, ending your infestation worries.

... no wait, that's cockroaches.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@TheBelleWitch Lure him away from the other females using the specially designed mouthpiece caller; be sure to wear camouflage and hide your scent. When he gets close enough, raise your shotgun while still calling to him...

...no wait, that's turkeys.

Ophelia

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Build a weir in the nearest river, and then coax him into the water using a large inner tube and beer. As he comes through the weir...no wait, that's eels.

teaandcakeordeath

@TheBelleWitch
Someone recommended glue traps but honestly I think its just so cruel to the poor boyfriends. Imagine waking up one morning and seeing your boyfriend lying on the floor with his fur caught in that thing. It's much more humane to electrify him.

... no wait, that's mice.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Ophelia Marshal your mental powers and send out the call from your tower, inviting him to you with the promise of soul gems filled with souls of peasants and large predators, to bolster his spells. When he gets close, cast out your magical net, blocking the threads of the spirit world from intertwining with his life force. Once he's in your tower, retrieve your largest, darkest soul gem and begin the incantation...

...no wait, that's wizards.

teaandcakeordeath

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Plant a seed in him that will grow in to a magic tree tended by fairies, imprisoning him forever.

... no wait, that's Hexxus.

Ophelia

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Lie in wait in the dark with a shotgun, and make sure you use hard-core ammo...no wait, that's zombies.

teaandcakeordeath

@TheBelleWitch
Sell him for $25 so your mother can buy a train ticket.

... no wait, that's Jo March's hair.

Argh I have to stop!

E
E

@TheBelleWitch Put your face down real close to his, make soothing click click noises, while blinking slowly, put a little tuna on your fingers. When he starts to eat the tuna, then throw the towel over him quickly and bundle him up.

...no that's putting a scared cat in the cat carrier.

Ophelia

@E Excitedly wave a tennis ball in the air from up to 200 yards away and whistle...no wait, that's my dog.

Faintly Macabre

@TheBelleWitch Make up a saucy username like "LilMinx15" and flirt with him online, then convince him to drive three hours to your house because your mom has the car. Tell him to bring a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade and make innuendo about other hard things (but not calculus). Have a film crew and a man with creepy eyes waiting just inside your doorway.

...no, that's a predator.

MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION

@TheBelleWitch I love each and every one of you.

fondue with cheddar

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION Put out a bowl of bird seed and suspend an anvil over it.

...no wait, that's roadrunners.

MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION

@fondue with cheddar Quickly knock him out of the corner and into the bath tub using a broom (shake to make sure he doesn't get stuck), then turn on the water and rinse him down the drain.

...no, that's spiders.

TheLetterL

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION Go to a specially-arranged party where everyone else already has him and just start licking everyone or something until it happens.

…no wait, that’s chicken pox.

fondue with cheddar

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

melmuu

@TheBelleWitch Tickle his claws with a twig so that he'll back right up into your mason jar.

...no wait, that's crawdads.

Apocalypstick

@Ophelia To be honest, though, many boyfriends can also be lured by inner tubes and beer.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Apocalypstick You'd also get me in that deal, too. Boyfriends and Rose.

stonefruit

@TheBelleWitch So what you need to do is find something shiny or sparkly, and then put it inside a hollow tree trunk that's fallen down. Then you drill a smallish hole, it helps if you bend nails over the hole, that'll make it about the right size. When he comes by he'll see the shiny thing and grab it, but then he'll be trapped because he'll refuse to open up his fist and lose the shiny thing.

... no, that's raccoons in the Ozarks.

PistolPackinMama

@Ophelia Use the call that sounds like screaming rabbits and watch him come running, including over fences.

Oh wait, that's greyhounds.

TheLetterL

@stonefruit First of all, do not try to smother him with petroleum jelly. Instead, get a firm grasp near the head and pull straight out without twisting. Make sure to check to that he's completely in-tact.

...no wait, that's ticks

melmuu

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION Burn the whole house down.

...no wait, that's also spiders.

MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION

@melmuu Once when I was moving I saw a spider as big as my hand saunter across what had been my bedroom floor. If I had not already been leaving that would have done it.

happy go lucky scamp

@TheBelleWitch don't blink

... no wait, that's weeping angels.

Dirty Hands

@TheLetterL Genius.

If he tries to get away, grab him by a leg, the neck, or the horns, then harness him and lead him where you want him to go.

...no wait, that's goats.

Sea Ermine

Why did I lose him? I dropped my hairpin too close to his cage and he picked the lock while I was napping.

hallelujah

Winter boyfriends only have a four month lifespan.

tea tray in the sky.

@hallelujah Canadian winter boyfriends have a lifespan of up to 7 months!

Lili B.

Why did you lose him?

Judging from the above list, you said something about yourself.

pollypeachum

That's okay-you didn't want to be with a guy who still wore straw boaters in 1963 anyway.

stuffisthings

@pollypeachum Hello there, fellow weird-hat-noticer!

HereComesTheMetricSystem

@pollypeachum Men in barbershop quartets are notorious cads

Scandyhoovian

I could have sworn he was in my purse where I usually put him, but I guess I must have put him down somewhere when I walked inside with the groceries.

stuffisthings

BRB going out to buy a dot-screened suit, straw boater, and elf shoes.

pollypeachum

@stuffisthings Those fellas in barbershop quartets are real heartbreakers.

Megasus

Oh now I know where I went wrong. Pretty much all of my romantic interactions are made up of a series of ruses.

Mira

@Megasus Not a series of escalating dares? That's how you get a man to marry you.

Megasus

@Mira I'm not interested in that...but that is definitely the plan if I ever am!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Mira Downhill shopping cart races to marriage. But you couldn't seal the deal, due to a seal deal.

Mira

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose How am I ever going to find a maritime lawyer?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Mira "You're a crook, Captain Hook."

Mira

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose "Oh, a submarine-chaser."

fondue with cheddar

He was physically forgotten and then he slipped into my pocket with my car keys.

Emby

@fondue with cheddar As if everybody even knows what you're talking about...

Mira

@Emby Everybody hears the wind blow.

Faintly Macabre

@fondue with cheddar Instead of taking him dancing, you took him to a random doorway and fell asleep.

finguns

@fondue with cheddar I'd taken him for granted because he pleased me.

fondue with cheddar

@finguns I've had the song running through my head since my first comment, and I was "singing" exactly this line when I read your comment!

Is there a word that means "singing" in your head a opposed to out loud? If not, there should be. I'll bet the Germans have one.

PistolPackinMama

@fondue with cheddar I am mostly upset because he had diamonds on the soles of his shoes, and I was planning on hocking them today to make my rent.

fondue with cheddar

@PistolPackinMama So you're empty as a pocket, at least you've got nothing to lose.

raspberryfool

This always happens. I'll put him away in some kind of "safe" place and later have absolutely NO IDEA which of many possible files, drawers, etc was the one that arbitrarily seemed best in the moment. Guess it's an afternoon of sorting...

Sensory Homoncula

@raspberryfool
step one: put him in a safe place
step two: REMEMBER where the safe place is

Emby

This is absolutely the way I will say arrivederci in future breakups: with the doffing of my electioneering hat and a cool walk out the door. So long, squirt, it was fun but we both knew it would end this way sooner or later.

fondue with cheddar

@Emby With a gentle knuckle-punch to the chin.

Pie!

Little rascal figured out how to work the deadbolt. I turned my back for ONE MINUTE and the next thing you know he's running down the sidewalk in his Super Mario shirt and underpants, just going as fast as his chubby little legs would take him.

sunfastrose

@Pie! I love all the other replies in this thread, but this...this...is perfect.

fondue with cheddar

@Pie! Underpants!

Pie!

@sunfastrose Dawww thank you! (I have a lot of experience with this sort of mishap)

Pie!

@fondue with cheddar or as I like to say, underpaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaants!

meetapossum

@fondue with cheddar

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum UNDERPANTS DANCE

finguns

@Pie! Oh my word, this actually happened to me yesterday, but it was a fully dressed 5 year old and his friend who decided to cross the street and walk to the market by themselves. I'm not sure which was worse, the guilt or the shame when I had to call the friend's mom and admit they walked out the front door while I was on the phone.

Pie!

@fondue with cheddar

Pie!

@finguns aw! It's okay, it is part of their natural instincts.

iceberg

@Pie! now imagine you have three, and at least one of them is attempting this at any given time, particularly in parking lots.

par_parenthese

Look, it wasn't my day to watch him, ok?

par_parenthese

(Also I love all of you.)

Amphora

I used him as collateral on a sub-prime mortgage.

iceberg

jusst thumbs-upping everything in this thread and loving you all

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I want to live in The Hairpin world forever.

whizz_dumb

@iceberg Shesus these are all so good, especially all the "...no wait, that's _____."

fondue with cheddar

@whizz_dumb AAAHH I HADN'T SEEN THOSE. Fantastic.

fondue with cheddar

Of course he left her...look at all the dust on her floor! She is a worthless woman and should be ashamed.

iceberg

I haven't lost him per se, he's probably just down the back of the couch or something.

Ophelia

@iceberg Make sure you look before you vacuum under there.

(hahahaha. I never vacuum under there.)

whizz_dumb

@iceberg Have you checked your car, maybe the backseat...or the truck?

whizz_dumb

@iceberg She took me off and put on her sunglasses, shoving me in her breast pocket, which would've been fine except about an hour later when she opened the car door a bottle fell out and while she bent down to pick that up I slipped out and fell into some weeds, unbeknownst to her. I've been here in these weeds ever since.

PistolPackinMama

@iceberg Quit looking for him, and then next thing you know, he'll turn up when you least expect him. Like when you are getting busy with a new boyfriend.

Alternately, a roommate of mine said you always had to ask the spirits who stole him to bring him back. So maybe apologize to any pixies under your sofa.

Inkling

@PistolPackinMama
Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around. My boyfriend is lost, and cannot be found.

Ophelia

I keep all of mine in binders. Then I know exactly where they are. Binders full of men.

PistolPackinMama

@Ophelia Okay, I can die now, because this comment makes my life complete.

Slutface

His leash slipped out of my hands.

E
E

@Slutface right as the squirrel ran across the road? Ugh. So sad. You know that its down to their need to chase things, intellectually, but you can't stop feeling so guilty!

TheBourneApproximation

I forgot to back him up to the central server, and then my hard drive crashed.

iceberg

@TheBourneApproximation <3

Barton

He rolled under the fridge and I can't be arsed to get down and try to find him.

iceberg

@Barton ahhhhahahahahah

lora.bee

@Barton "OHHHHHHHHH WE ARE GONNA HAVE ANTS"

SarcasticFringehead

@lora.bee Barry, is that how you get ants? Yes it is, other Barry, yes it is.

smartastic

I just got dumped last week, and today my mom told me 'well, he's very athletic and you're not', as if that explains everything. BOYS! MOMS! UGH!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@smartastic ......so he could run and you couldn't catch him to put him back in his kennel, duh. (Sorry about your breakup.)

smartastic

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Exactly. And even if I could, he would probably use his big muscles to break out of the kennel, so not really worth it when you take the destruction of property into account anyway.

chrysopoeia

I turned around to look at him too soon and he vanished back into Hades.

E
E

Gave him to the bartender to keep my tab open, got too drunk, forgot to cash him out at the end of the night.

Handed him to my friend in the parking lot, and she dropped him down the storm drain.

happy go lucky scamp

@E he's in the bottom of my purse somewhere... i just have to keep digging.

Jaya

"Why is he leaving? I set cotton candy on the floor as bait and everything!"

whizz_dumb

"Did you always tell him where you wanted to go on dates?" INSTANT DEAL BREAKER! I'm joking, PLEASE DO THIS. I love when a date says exactly what they want to do. I can be proactive and decisive if need be also, but sometimes it's a relief to just be like, "great idea, let's do it." Either way, I will not get stuck in a "I don't know what do you want to do?" loop.

planforamiracle

@whizz_dumb ugh I was gonna say the same thing! I enjoy being around people who have preferences and opinions, and voice them nicely.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Didn't know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, and the other ladies won him in the poker game last week.

E
E

As he drove away on that rainy night
I begged him to go slow
But whether he heard, I'll never know
Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

themmases

Nasty, thieving hobbitses...!

NotBlairWaldorf

@themmases OMG aaaahahaha

fondue with cheddar

YOU GUYS I was especially depressed this morning, using all my energy trying not to lash out, fighting tears several times before I even got to work...and yet you have made me smile and even laugh today. I LOVE ALL OF YOU BE MY FRIENDS FOREVERRRRRR

honey cowl

@fondue with cheddar Agreed!!!! I have had a horrific couple of weeks but THIS THREAD makes it so much better.

fondue with cheddar

@honey cowl I hope things get better for you! HUGS

yourpretendfriend

@fondue with cheddar
same same same!! ♡♡♡♡ u pinners!

fondue with cheddar

@yourpretendfriend NOBODY IS A PRETEND FRIEND HERE

yourpretendfriend

@fondue with cheddar
haha it's my super aloof alias to cover up the fact that we are all actually bffs and will soon join together to overthrow the world/patriarchy shhhh

fondue with cheddar

@yourpretendfriend Wait, what are you talking about? I don't know any of you! WHAT EVEN IS THIS PLACE ;)

honey cowl

@fondue with cheddar Right back atcha babe!

MilesofMountains

I know I lent him to one of my friends, but I can't remember who! They all say it wasn't them, but I just KNOW it was one of them. They probably spilled coffee on him and don't want to admit it.

par_parenthese

@MilesofMountains That's it, I'm going to start making people sign him out if they want to leave the house with him.

Ophelia

@MilesofMountains You need to start writing your name on the inside of his jacket. (*rimshot*)

stonefruit

Look, it was crowded at the department store, okay?

cuminafterall

I dropped him in the toilet! Tried taking out his battery to let him dry, but to no avail :(

Fortunately, I had just backed up his memory so I didn't lose anything important.

hahahaha, ja.

@cuminafterall: Have you tried putting him in a bowl of rice overnight?

PistolPackinMama

@hahahaha, ja. Nicole suggests using silicate packages.

Linette

I tried to explain feminism to him. No one has ever been so lost as he.

stonefruit

Roanoke, man. That place STAY mysterious.

fondue with cheddar

@stonefruit I used to live in Roanoke! I barely remember it because I was really little. What does this post have to do with Roanoke?

fondue with cheddar

@stonefruit Ooh, intriguing! I will definitely read it after work.

Sensory Homoncula

@stonefruit
are you saying that you sailed back to England to fetch supplies, and when you returned THREE YEARS LATER you only found cryptic words scratched in tree bark?

stonefruit

@Sensory Homoncula CROATOAN

Oh, squiggles

Pawned him for beer money. I still walk by the shop and wave to him in the window though.

Rubyinthedust

i hope to someday meet my Ideal Dreamboat

RNL
RNL

Left him in a car2go, and the next person kept him for herself.

HereComesTheMetricSystem

Strong gust of wind, lost my grip on the line. He's probably just caught in an overhead power line a few towns over.

teaandcakeordeath

"And here we have six missing boyfriends...three dead in my service. One, too cowardly to return...he will pay. One, who I believe has left me forever...he will be killed, of course..."

par_parenthese

@teaandcakeordeath OMG I am so glad I came back to read this thread again because this made my day.

yourface

I just don't know! The weather was fine, he had enough food, water and provisions for months. Yet the next thing I know he's gone. None of his things have been touched, no note, no reason... and his dinner's still sitting on the table.

Edmon

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