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Thursday, May 30, 2013

427

The Over It Pie

Previously: The To-Do List Pie

Ann Friedman is directing her unrequited affections elsewhere.



427 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

'your internet presence seems too gay'

holy shit thats me

whizz_dumb

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Yeah, I'm in the clear from all the others (or am I?) but that one hits pretty hard.

par_parenthese

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood @whizz-dumb SHUTUUUUUUUUP GUYS WE LOVE YOU YOU DO NOT SEEM GAY HELLO <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

par_parenthese

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood See? ~blush~

OhMarie

@par_parenthese I was thinking that this was "too gay" in the literal "100% into dudes and 0% into ladies" sense. This has, uh....happened to a friend.

par_parenthese

@OhMarie Haha, it probably is. Which has... happened to a friend as well. (All the more reason for our lovely pindudes of the hetero variety not to worrrrrrry about it, maaaaaaaaan.)

whizz_dumb

@par_parenthese This is the best result I could find from a "blushing men" image search:

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb Aw, gingers. Bless.

PatatasBravas

100% ate a croissant; all needs were satisfied; the feeling passed.

annlf

@PatatasBravas THIS. FOREVER.

Judith Slutler

@PatatasBravas yassssss

jhonsons

lol so awesome@j

yeah-elle

5% saw you adjusting your genitals or digging in your ears, in public
95% mansplaining and/or overheard you saying something casually misogynistic

highfivesforall

@yeah-elle
50% you are surprised when women like nerd/science stuff
50% you are surprised when women drink beer

adorable-eggplant

@highfivesforall Women who ferment would 110% blow that imaginary dude's mind. Cannot wait to roll out my first batch of craft beer. Although, I haven't started because I don't want to spend money on a kit. :/

par_parenthese

@highfivesforall I've definitely gotten, "Oh cool, I didn't know if you'd want to go to a brewpub because all the women in my family are not into beer, whew, rad." Which is... less terrible. But yeah eff you dudes who are totally shocked that Not All Women Are Like This.

highfivesforall

@par_parenthese Yeah, at least that dude had a reason for believing you wouldn't like beer (although another 50% of my pie might be believing it is okay to draw general conclusions from anecdata) - but I actually got this comment from a coworker (who I did not at any time have a crush on) when we went out to a bar: "You drink beer? I thought all women were into fitness." I believe I laughed in his face. To be fair, he was not from the same country/culture as me, but still. Dude.

RebeccaKW

@yeah-elle Or that you know anything about sports (that's not ice skating or gymnastics). You can really freak a man out when you are drinking a beer and talking about the playoffs.

large__marge

100% you lied about your height on OKCupid, then proceeded to spend three weeks whining to me about how all the girls you talk to are lying about their weight

ach_so

@large__marge Oh my lord that's awful.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@large__marge god dammit short dudes quit fucking this up

ach_so

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I don't think it's short dudes fucking up, it's the vast majority of dudes lying about it.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@rosinator as a short dude i feel like i need to say 'ugh quit doing this its a horrible idea always based on casual sexist (women only care about personality! they dont care about physical attraction so its ok to lie!) nonsense yr making us all look like jackasses'

fondue with cheddar

@large__marge 100% realizing that your OKCupid profile pic was taken at such an angle as to make it look like you had some semblance of a chin.

fondue with cheddar

Not knocking people with no chin—it happens. But just take an honest picture, dude.

area@twitter

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood just as a holla to the short gentlemen out there: you can climb this tall lady like a tree any time. rowr

lasso tabasco

@fondue with cheddar The No-Chin people! This is definitely a Thing in my friend group.

Emby

@lasso tabasco I'm not exactly chinless, but I don't really have a pronounced one. It's part of the reason I grow a beard. Sucks, but one of those things you can't really do anything about. I hope I don't get judged too harshly for it.

themegnapkin

@Emby (as someone with an excess of chin, I will lend you some of mine)

fondue with cheddar

@Emby No, it's fine! It's just that it's something you shouldn't try to hide when you post a picture in your profile. If someone is shallow enough that they're not going to want to date you because you have an underdeveloped chin, isn't it better for all involved if they just skip your profile instead of wasting your time going on a date? It's like...if you're overweight you should post a picture of yourself that shows what you really look like, not a picture taken five years ago when you were thinner. If you don't represent yourself accurately it's going to turn people off even if they aren't shallow because it makes you seem untrustworthy.

(Btw, I totally banged no-chin OKC dude.)

lasso tabasco

@Emby NOT BY ME! I just have a lot of friends with no chin. I was meant to be one too, but then my parents were like NOPE and made me endure a yearlong torture process that resulted in a chin.

fondue with cheddar

@lasso tabasco Ugh, that sounds like a really painful surgery. There's a natural physical variation among humans; it's a shame that people feel they need to undergo surgery to be "normal." Not knocking it if it's a person's choice, but I hate that we live in a world where it's something people feel they need to do.

And besides, I've known plenty of sexy people with weak chins. My last boyfriend, for example!

themegnapkin

@lasso tabasco was it "orthodontic" surgery? In my age cohort, orthodontists were kind of pushy about wanting people to get it.

iceberg

@Emby The beard is a completely acceptable substitute for a chin, if done well and kept neat (which I know you forking well do)

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I love beards, so I heartily approve of this.

I knew a dude in college who had a very weak chin, but instead of having a beard he had mutton chops.

MilesofMountains

@area@twitter Seriously. I have such a thing for short dudes, it's starting to get ridiculous.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@iceberg i just shaved mine (to cosplay SHUT UP OK I LOOKED CUTE) and im shocked and saddened by my lack of chin. GROW FASTER PLZ

par_parenthese

@iceberg THISSSSSSS. Most of the men in my family lack chins and sport facial hair because of it. Also beards are awesome.

Urwelt

@large__marge Oh but you see, it's SHALLOW and UNREASONABLE to not be turned on by short dudes, because they don't have any control over it. But you could stop being fat if you just had enough self-control! It's not just the fat, it's that fatties have bad habits and no self-control and probably don't like hiking which is my life. And it's unhealthy! I'm biologically wired to only want to bone skinny girls, so really you can't help who you're attracted to, god (unless you're a woman who doesn't like short men).

area@twitter

@MilesofMountains I was making "pocket rocket" jokes on Twitter a few weeks ago. You short guys can come sit next to me any time.

large__marge

@Urwelt ...reddit? Is that you?

adorable-eggplant

@large__marge Wow I just had a horrifying vision of reddit embodied. DONOTWANT.

Urwelt

@large__marge Bingo. The OKC subreddit is actually does have some pretty decent advice for people new to online dating, but at the end of the day it's still... filled with redditors.

baked bean

@fondue with cheddar Be honest on your profile, I say, and you will more likely attract honest people. There will be people attracted to you the way you are and that's what you want.

Also to the dudes with the nicely-trimmed beards: keep it up.
Also I do not care about height I think short dudes are lil cuties.

fondue with cheddar

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Ah, my last boyfriend shaved his beard for Halloween with the same result. It grows so fast when you don't want it to, but so slowly when you do.

@baked bean Nicely-trimmed beards are the best. My dude had to shave his because he messed up trimming it and it made me sad. He just has a goatee now. I want him to grow it back but now that it's summer I don't know if he will anytime soon.

hallelujah

50% politics not sufficiently radically left
50% fucked your friend instead

Emby

Wait, what are comfort sandals? Aren't sandals by definition comfortable? Otherwise they'd be shoes.

-OR-

100% You don't know anything about shoes or shoe terminology.

Dirty Hands

@Emby May I suggest these non-comfort sandals?
http://michaelclogs.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/00723f-lip-152.jpg

Lily Rowan

@Emby You definitely don't know about women's shoes -- anything can be uncomfortable!

I confess that I have taken to wearing comfort sandals, and hope that most people don't judge me too harshly.

swirrlygrrl

@Emby I do have second thoughts about wonderful man I am seeing who wears those barefoot running things. We have agreed they must be kept out of my sight at all times, but can that last a lifetime?

OhMarie

@Emby Are they Tevas and other black rubber bottomed sandals with straps? Cause I hate those damn things.

City_Dater

@OhMarie

The Foot Backpack! Only appropriate for, say, camping, when I will never see them because I will not go camping.

I own my shallow: "75% saw you dressed like a toddler in brightly colored plastic-y shoes and cargo shorts."

lora.bee

@swirrlygrrl Those running things that are like toe socks but shoes?? Gaaahh, a guy I went out with on the weekend has those - I just don't want to see them!

baked bean

@City_Dater 100% saw you in cargo shorts.

lora.bee

@baked bean Or those pants that unzip into shorts.

baked bean

@lora.bee Ewwwww yeah that's worse I think. Like maybe you were wearing cargo shorts because it was laundry day and you just have them leftover from 2003, but you should have never purchased zip-off pants for any reason ever.

Hellcat

@baked bean Re. cargo shorts: But what is the "regular guy" (for lack of a better term) to wear shorts-wise? Is there a better option? I ask because my basic-utilitarian-jeans-and-t-shirt/not-interested-in-shopping-or-cultivating-a-"look" boyf looks good in them, I think. Then again, I don't mind "jolts" either (as long as they are cut from old beat-up jeans and not bought with those finished hems).

"JOLTS"? I meant "jorts"! JOLTS!

baked bean

@Hellcat I think slimmer-cut shorts without pockets (ETA- without cargo pockets, regular are fine) look a lot nicer. The pockets/baggy look has been around for way too long and just not very flattering. Fitted plz. If he's scared of anything too wild I'd go with navy blue, black, brown. Think a little cleaner-cut, dressier. Jorts are in with the younger hipster dudes, and I personally think they are fine, since I wear them (as a female). Just make sure they are also more fitted.

Hellcat

@baked bean He's sitting here right now in his neutral multi-gray plaid ones looking quite fetching (and convincing him that the plaid wasn't too crazy and wild sartorially was quite a feat! He's not very, shall we say, daring)--and they're not overly baggy, so that's good. However, he doesn't share my view that his faded, cut-off jeans are OK for anything other than painting and yard work an the like. I was always a sucker for the grunge-ish stuff though.

baked bean

@Hellcat My man only wears darks/neutrals. Mostly shades of grey and blue. That fit. And he looks really nice. All the time. No need to go bright at all.

Hellcat

@baked bean Mine's funny; he once saw a fairly standard guys' not-at-all-flashy shirt with those tabs on the shoulders--not even full-blown epaulettes, just that little detail--and, scandalized, he said, "Who wears that?" I laughed for hours at his shock. He doesn't look bad or anything; he's just not interested beyond knowing when he has to throw away socks and and boxers, and his job and life allow for jeans and t-shirts and boots (he does have a suit for suity times...but oh my goodness, getting him to at least try a jacket that's not half of a suit for semi-dressy occasions! It was the epaulettes all over again!).

baked bean

@Hellcat Classic is always ok, and you don't have to buy new stuff as often. Boots are great. Also plain dress shirts without the fancy details are just fine. Just make sure everything fits ;) Also plaid shirts drive me wild.

Hellcat

@baked bean Now that you mention it, I DO want to get him into some plaid shirts, and not just in the "manly version of a cardigan" way; I mean the buttoned-up-with-jeans way! (That's another thing; the idea of a cardigan on himself baffles him completely! Now I don't expect him to wear one--it's not his style--but he was so incredulous about it even though he's seen many guys in them). I'ma get him some maybe! Ooh, you're a splash of awesomeness in a horrid week, I tell you.

baked bean

@Hellcat I bet he'd do a plain dark blue shirt or a grey shirt too ;)

Hellcat

@baked bean Haha--yes, baby steps; we don't want to spook him with a sinister jewel-tone or (whispers) print. And I better stay away from those avant garde shoulder things.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Hellcat This seems like a good thread to ask when did "jorts" become a word? Because I'm pretty sure that jean shorts existed before then and were not repulsive.

baked bean

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) Also are they ok for girls but not dudes? Because no one gets mad at girls for wearing them? Or are those bad too?

Hellcat

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) This I don't know! I like to think I am stylish enough (I prefer that term to "fashionable," because "fashionable" seems exclusive to only what's mainstream-stylish right now) and, like I said, I have no problem with the old standard cut-off jeans for guys and girls (guys' should be at the knee though, and no higher, IMO; girls can get away with various lengths). Are jorts the neatly hemmed ones that my dad wears, the ones that were never "jeans proper" before being shorts?

I tend to wear my "jolts" cut off at right about where the front pocket ends, and they're usually so baggy that I can pee without unbuttoning them. Because I am sexy! Either way, I love those old standbys...with t-shirts, with drapey sweaters, to cover a bathing suit, whatever... and I miss my college days of cut-off jeans with tights and army boots. Awww, early-'90s me...

Amphora

20% Saw him away from drum kit
80% Wears bike shorts at non-biking times

up cubed

@Amphora That you bought at a thrift store (ask a grossed-out clean person)

Pinot

@Amphora Why are they always less hot away from their drums?

MoxyCrimeFighter

Anyone who isn't into breakfast can come hang with me. We'll sleep late and go to brunch, like civilized people.

rallisaurus

@MoxyCrimeFighter But wait...is it brunch with breakfast food? Because I'd just rather have lunch. Unless there's real maple syrup, because then I'm all over breakfast!

pajamaralls

@MoxyCrimeFighter I don't like breakfast as in I don't like getting up early. But breakfast foods? Hands down best.

Breakfast all day, err day.

pterodactgirl

@rallisaurus Lunch FTW. Unpopular opinion time: breakfast is almost always too salty or too sugary. The exception is Mexican breakfast! Mmmm chilaquiles....

rallisaurus

@pterodactgirl I'm a bagel person myself. Or french toast. Or toast. Really just carbs.
I just don't do the eggs/sausage/bacon thing and I can't imagine eating most breakfast foods at other times of the day. Like a pancake dinner? Not even maple syrup would tempt me then. But pad thai for breakfast? I'm totally there.

RK Fire

@pterodactgirl Yeah, I need a clarification: is the issue not being into eating early in the morning or not being into traditional breakfast foods? The soonest I can bring myself to eat after waking up is an hour, and while I like traditional savory American breakfasts, it's generally a once a month thing for me. Most of the time I just eat dinner leftovers.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@rallisaurus I'm firmly of the opinion that mornings are the worst and lunch is the best so brunch should always be lunch food; also, breakfast food is best at dinner-time. But in the spirit of freedom, I won't hold it against you if you order breakfast foods at brunch, much.

cosmia

@MoxyCrimeFighter Breakfast food is great. As for breakfast...ehhh, I'm incapable of eating anything before 11 AM at the very earliest.

Brunhilde

@pterodactgirl I was a short order breakfast cook for years and I say just say no to breakfast foods. My favorite breakfast is leftover chicken tikka masala on toast, or cold pizza. Fuck eggs and potatoes (unless it's that egg and potato curry that I make sometimes).

adorable-eggplant

@Brunhilde Can I get your tikka masala recipe? I am questing for the perfect one.

Brunhilde

@adorable-eggplant I've used the Cook's Illustrated one a few times but mostly I get takeout because it's so much better and easier.

adorable-eggplant

@Brunhilde I enjoy the cooking bit, but it's true that a takeout place in my neighborhood set the bar that I am constantly falling short of as far as tikka masala. My rice pilaf though is perfectly tweaked to my tastes, so I feel like it can be done with enough perseverance.

ETA: that party menu is making me super hungry. Dang.

baked bean

@Brunhilde Can I have your egg and potato curry recipe? Because I eat eggs every day.

Also I'm on team breakfast, preferably savory breakfast. And not at breakfast time, at lunch or dinner time. Breakfast burritos are my most common dinner, and breakfast food is just really fast and easy. Ham, sausage, and bacon are like the holy trinity of salty pork and should be respected. Also biscuits are the best kind of bready item. Ron Swanson, you my man.

Brunhilde

@baked bean It's based on this recipe, except I start with already cooked potatoes (sometimes I'll buy a bag of little potatoes on the weekend, roast them whole with olive oil & salt, or boil them, and then just keep them in my fridge to do things with later, like make parmesan wedges or smash them with roasted garlic or... this), and I use double the eggs and just scramble them and pour them in at the end. I like to eat this with plain yogurt and cucumber quick pickle (thinly sliced cucumbers soaked in seasoned rice vinegar and salt with a little minced onion and maybe a pinch of suger, soak for however long you have. An hour or two maybe? Just stir them up every once in a while so they all get down into the vinegary/cucumber juice salty goodness).

amzuki

100% overheard you saying that breakfast isn't your thing [ACTUALLY]

ach_so

@amzuki Dealbreaker.

Nutellaface

@amzuki My husband didn't like breakfast when I first met him but I force-fed him pancakes until he acquiesced.

fondue with cheddar

@amzuki What do we always say is the most important thing?

Munich Pixie Dream Girl

@Nutellaface Your avatar makes this comment 100x funnier. I'm just imagining the Swedish chef force-feeding someone pancakes.

Nutellaface

@lostinthesupermarket UM DEE GOSH BORK BORK EAT-A THE PANCAKE SNORKA SNORKA

raised amongst catalogs

@fondue with cheddar

Lumpy Space Princess

@raised amongst catalogs "I thought you meant of the things you eat."

RK Fire

50% started dating a friend who is an awesome person
50% caught them wearing crocs to the gym

ETA: 10% oh my dear lord, he is like, 7 years younger than you and has long hair, wtf are you even thinking? so what if he has fantastic facial features.

par_parenthese

@RK Fire HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA your edit *cries* *laughs again* *cries again*

fondue with cheddar

@RK Fire In that case, just bang him and move on!

iceberg

100% GIVE ME A REASON because this is very inconvenient

RK Fire

@iceberg YES

noReally

@iceberg That. Right there. Because you are carbon-based, and being crushless is like having wings.

Bittersweet

20% innate smugness
30% judges my life choices
50% the breakfast thing

planforamiracle

@Bittersweet oy, hot dudes who judge my life choices = JUST NOT FAIR!

also what your wrote above describes 50% of the dudes I've dated. >:(

ach_so

30% went on a bike ride in the sunshine and forgot about it.
70% the sex was mediocre.

whizz_dumb

@rosinator haha I was gonna say, "disturbing" no, "mediocre" maybe. This is why sexual recon can be beneficial or detrimental. Come on it was just one night, the drunken sex was not working out.

ach_so

@whizz_dumb Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever had a hook-up in common with a friend.
Maybe I need to change this so I can be warned about potentially mediocre sex??

yeah-elle

oh also

100% witnessed you being rude to waitstaff/cashier/other customer service representative/etc

cannot tell you how many times i have been like "oh this guy seems nice and he's kind of handso—wait wait red alert flashing beow beow sound the alarm beow beow danger danger"

area@twitter

@yeah-elle yes yes yes, that is a 100% instakill to me. NOPE!

grizzle_bees

@yeah-elle OR a shitty tipper. My ex used to leave 15% or less unless the service was SUPERB. Also, a co-worker suggested he read "Atlas Shrugged" because he would "probably really like it."

fondue with cheddar

@yeah-elle YES that is definitely a dealbreaker.

I was on an OKCupid frienddate with a dude who seemed really nice until he started yelling at the SEPTA (Philly public transit) ticket lady. Everyone turned and stared at us and I felt like running away.

par_parenthese

@yeah-elle Conversely: why I am NOT over you despite our otherwise utter incompatibility: 100% witnessed you be rad and fraternal and generous with customer service person and/or the kid who kicked his ball over in front of you at the park. *SWOON*

martinipie

@yeah-elle yup yup yup times EIGHT THOUSAND

juksie

@fondue with cheddar The people who work for SEPTA are lovely, this guy is clearly the worst.

fondue with cheddar

@juksie He WAS the worst! I honestly don't remember his reason for yelling at her, I just remember it was either a gross overreaction or completely unfounded. Probably the latter. I wanted to go home right then and there but I was in an unfamiliar part of the city and I don't know my way around Philly public transit except PATCO, and we were nowhere near there. This was before I had a phone with GPS.

Dirty Hands

100% you were a winter boyfriend and got put into storage until the first frost.

par_parenthese

@Dirty Hands I just realized I totally had a winter boyfriend in college? Last words, "Thanks for helping me pack up the car. Welp, bye."

YES.

pimentinha

@Dirty Hands So I tried this once and failed hard on the HTML, but let's try again...

Winter boyfriend? Well it's a good thing that...

Ba dum tss! Try the meatloaf, I'll be here all night.

Dirty Hands

And according to this pie graph, there's a 55% chance that someone who had a crush on me is now over me. Or is that not how it works?

RK Fire

@Dirty Hands Yeah, I'm clocking in at 30% here!

Emby

@RK Fire Were it not for the fact that I think the paleo diet is fucking absurd, I'd say I've probably lost crushes to all of these.

Sandals 4 lyfe, breakfast is overrated, we all have off nights from time to time, and uh I'm a regular commenter on The Hairpin. GOODBYE CRUSHES I NEVER NEEDED YOU ANYWAY.

Dirty Hands

@RK Fire I hope you're on the paleo diet!

hallelujah

@Emby Yup, probable 80% here. Although I like to think the sexual recon was more "yeah, we boned" rather than performance based, because I don't think men generally have those conversations in the same way. OR DO YOU??

RK Fire

@Dirty Hands Haha, that's exactly what I'm referring to--comfortable sandals and eating paleo. In my defense though, I generally half-ass it and 1) eat pizza, 2) consume alcohol, 3) eat some form of legume or starchy tuber, 4) have an insistent need to eat crunchy things on a weekly basis so I don't know if I can really "claim" to be on the paleo diet.

Emby

@hallelujah Oh we get reaaaaally into the details.

No we don't. "Boned" about sums it up.

whizz_dumb

@Emby Yeah, we at least keep it vague. My buddy who just fell in love told me the other day, "Dude it was intense...like some porn shit." Understood, reading you loud and clear.

hallelujah

@whizz_dumb @Emby Never change, dudely humans.

leonstj

@hallelujah Cam'Ron's "Hey Ma" is basically the most accurate account of a dude's after-action report to another dude friend there is:

What up?
I hit.
What else?
Plus dome.
Say word.

hallelujah

@leon s DIPSET DIPSET DIPSET DIPSET

leonstj

@hallelujah - ummm marry me?

iceberg

Or, 100% found out you vote Republican, sorry I just don't swing (vote) that way.

RebeccaKW

@iceberg 100% heard you use a racist term or make a bigoted remark toward homosexuals or anyone who isn't your specific religion.

noodge

64%: you mentioned that two girls "getting it on" is "hot"
(and you got that glassy-eyed inspired look at the same time)

spacevalkyrie

ANN FRIEDMAN ARE YOU MY SISTER because my sister (named Anne >.>) has the same exact handwriting as you and it is very eerie

Scandyhoovian

49% saw you reply to cold hard facts with "we'll agree to disagree"
51% heard you mention the friend zone and fake nerd girls in the same sentence at con

katiemcgillicuddy

@Scandyhoovian Those are both awful, but OH GOD THE FIRST ONE

area@twitter

@Scandyhoovian I was chatting up a guy in line behind me at Otacon years ago and he started to tell me about his previous night's trip to a strip club. Ohhhh! So close.

Scandyhoovian

@area@twitter This guy also wore socks with sandals and jorts, so.

par_parenthese

@Scandyhoovian "We'll agree to disagree" = "I'm going to lose this argument to a GIRL!!?!? ABORT, ABORT" 100% of the time, in my experience.

cminor

@Scandyhoovian That shit makes me so mad! JUST ADMIT I'M RIGHT! I WOULD DO IT IF YOU WERE RIGHT!

ETA: But, you're not. You're not right.

katiemcgillicuddy

50% referenced Bible to defend opinion
50% no, but seriously, just go read Leviticus and then get back to me, asshole

happy go lucky scamp

@katiemcgillicuddy Do you eat pork? Do you use a method other than demolishing your house to clean mold?
Your argument is invalid.

happy go lucky scamp

@katiemcgillicuddy I should have made it clearer that i'm also replying to the imaginary (work colleague 10m away) jerkwad that you are

bnna

Why do I need to move? 100% this pie chart is too true, especially the part about sexual recon from a friend. Or like when you realize the new barista you have crush on is the same person as your friend's psycho ex boyfriend that you've never met.

ach_so

@bnna I think that (the second scenario) happens a lot in smaller cities.

lasso tabasco

100% I sobered up.

Nutellaface

100% You got NICE all of a sudden.

Judith Slutler

25% you work in my field and I don't shit where I eat
25% OH WHOOPS,YOU ARE MY PROFESSOR
50% my boyfriend exists

Scandyhoovian

100% saw you say my good friend "would be cute if she were smaller"

whizz_dumb

@Scandyhoovian Okay if that is the same dude as your above 49% and 51%, he deserves to be on the receiving end of some violence--possibly involving a flamethrower.

Scandyhoovian

@whizz_dumb Thankfully not the same dude. IF that was all one guy... O_o

whizz_dumb

@Scandyhoovian Fweew! I didn't really want to become a person who has beaten another person up. But if anyone wants to intimidate juiceboxes who won't learn their lesson by being dumped, my buddies and I do swing a lot of baseball bats.

cosmia

That 30% is literally my 100%. AND it was always the same friend! We have the same taste in dudes, she is just way hotter than me.

Chesty LaRue

@cosmia I have a good friend whose tastes in guys and mine overlap not at all, but she is super hot, and thusly I get no attentions when she is around. But my bestie and I luckily have completely different taste in guys, as well as completely different looks, so we rarely overlap.

grizzle_bees

100% you admitted to owning a couple of Phish albums.

hahahaha, ja.

10% you (mid-20s) showed up on our first (and only) date at a trendy coffee shop wearing a Slayer t-shirt and cargo pants
20% you're thinking of going to grad school for "something outdoorsy" because you like being outdoors
70% you said that you heard grad school is easier than undergrad
three billionty % you identify as libertarian

(Requisite "some of my best friends are libertarians" yadda yadda etc. etc., but also, no. Not for me.)

cosmia

@hahahaha, ja. I saw this when the band t-shirt still said Tool and freaked out because it was an identical scenario to a terrible date I had four years ago.

adorable-eggplant

@hahahaha, ja. Oh dear. I coasted through grad school once (as opposed to my undergrad experience, in which I wrote a thesis for a professor who may as well have used thumb screws [instead she asked pointed questions designed to make you question not only your comprehension skills, but also your worth as a human being]) and would love to go back for geology or similar if it meant wearing cargo pants, collecting samples, and going on camping trips. So I am 30% awful.

But I am not now and have never been a libertarian, so whew.

hahahaha, ja.

@cosmia: Hahaha, I originally couldn't remember whether it was Tool or Slayer. But also, !!! You ALSO went on a date with a libertarian guy who thought grad school would be all easy peasy??

hahahaha, ja.

@adorable-eggplant: I mean, there were a loooot of other things wrong, the "I heard grad school is easy" thing was just icing on the cake. Coming from someone else it wouldn't have been nearly as offensive. But the whole date, I got a feeling that he was this guy who was still in college-mode, saying that he wanted to devote years of his life to studying "the outdoors" because he likes to hike on the weekends or something. And he didn't even say "geology" or "archaeological fieldwork" or something, it was just "the outdoors."

Also eggplants are like my favorite vegetable, so if an eggplant said to me "I want to study the outdoors" that would be perfectly fine with me.

adorable-eggplant

@hahahaha, ja. Yeah, I think it's a matter of perspective too. It's a different beast entirely to have found grad school pleasantly manageable, rather than smugly assuming that all grad school is a walk in the park (haha, puuuun).

Eggplants are my favorite vegetable too! Although this year I am trying to grow them in my garden, but they keep dropping their flowers (which are beautiful) because it's already slightly too hot. My neighbor down the street has gorgeous eggplants, but he over-winters his plants so has a head start. So basically, I'm having a bit of a love/hate thing at the moment.

EpWs

@hahahaha, ja. PREACH to the libertarian thing. (Five billionty % heard the phrase "Ron Paul is just a totally different kind of politician" come out of your mouth.)

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@hahahaha, ja. my gf's friends are all libertarian hipster hating metalheads.

i have the patience of a saint

cosmia

@hahahaha, ja. He was totally a libertarian who wanted to go to grad school! For journalism, though, not for "something outdoorsy", although he did like spending a lot of time listening to Filter and 30 Seconds to Mars (and Tool! don't forget Tool) outside in the rain.

MilesofMountains

@hahahaha, ja. Oh dear, I thought grad school was marginally easier than undergrad AND I have a degree in something outdoorsy (although now I'm sick of the outdoors but they won't let me stay inside!).

martinipie

@hahahaha, ja. I kept thinking everyone was beginning their sentences with "hahahaha, ja" and was wondering when everyone got so Swedish

hahahaha, ja.

@MilesofMountains: Did I go on a terrible date with you???

hahahaha, ja.

@martinipie: German, actually! I studied for a couple of weeks in Germany last summer and thought it was lovely how the German students would speak in their perfect English and then casually drop a "ja" once in a while. But yeah, haha, it does make it sound like everyone is jolly and some sort of European.

Amphora

@hahahaha, ja. Funny, that's exactly how my Wisconsin family talks too.

MilesofMountains

@hahahaha, ja. Potentially! If you were that guy who asked me what art I was secretly pining to devote my life to and refused to believe that "none" was the answer.

adorable-eggplant

@MilesofMountains I'd have gone with: "The art of war." *intense unflinching stare*

Matthew Gordon@twitter

@hahahaha, ja. While I tend to dress a little nicer on dates, I love both Tool and Slayer, and I think a woman wearing one of those T-shirts on a date would be a great conversation starter.

hahahaha, ja.

@Matthew Gordon@twitter: Well sure, and a more libertarian-leaning woman would have been more likely to fall for his charms as well. But alas! not I. It was not meant to be.

Anyway, I still feel like a band t-shirt (+ cargo pants) is not a great thing to wear on a first date to a decently nice place. I'm sure others will disagree with me, and I'm sure he would get along much better with someone like that.

frigwiggin

Man, I can completely keep crushing on someone regardless of their apparent sexuality if all other crush-stars are aligned. It's not like my crushes exist based on their likelihood to become a real relationship.

astrangerinthealps

80% Lost all respect when I learned the object of your unrequited crush
20% Can no longer pretend to care about your obsession with Hollywood.

area@twitter

100%- Gives you "The Fountainhead" as a birthday present

adorable-eggplant

@area@twitter "Thank you. I will put this in my donation stack for the public library."

area@twitter

@adorable-eggplant A coworker actually did this. I managed to suppress the wince and thanked her for thinking of me. When she left for her new job three weeks later, I went back and exchanged it for "Bossypants" and "Siddhartha".

EpWs

@area@twitter See above, where we are discussing libertarians. This is more subtle, though.

Judith Slutler

@area@twitter Remember the part with "The Fountainhead" in Dirty Dancing?! I just watched it again and died laughing - I didn't get it back in the day. That and the entire abortion subplot...

hahahaha, ja.

@Emmanuelle Cunt: Wait "The Fountainhead" has a part in Dirty Dancing? Why do I not remember this?? Did I block it from my memory???

Dirty Hands

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ourlightsinvain

Your internet presence seems too gay

wow straight people.*

*[catty sellout queers/narcissistic tryhard Manhattan gay dudes that straight girls admire/Lena Dunham/other]

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@ourlightsinvain Right? That seemed kind of not OK to me.

Quinn A@twitter

@ourlightsinvain Me too. "Internet presence suggests you're not into women" would have worked just as well and wouldn't have made me go "wait, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?".

ourlightsinvain

ikr. I know I always appreciate it when my sexual orientation is regarded as a personal disappointment to a whiny straight person on the prowl! I also always appreciate when my interests are stereotyped for the purposes of hipster-homophobic humor cause you can't be a real homophobe if you read Savage Love or whatever the fuck now.

whine on, you crazy diamonds.

Inkling

@ourlightsinvain
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@Mira it will help me be a better person.

Llllauren

100% my friend Evan finding your Grindr profile when I drunkenly decided that you were the one for me after 30 minutes of flirting with you at a party

ETA: You were so beautiful. And so not into ladies. But I hope you make some dude really happy someday!

avocadosandwich

@Llllauren thanks, evan

Llllauren

@avocadosandwich Evan has saved me from many a romantic mishap.

Briony Fields

100% I tell you I hate how beauty standards put so much pressure on women and you answer with "I know exactly how you feel/Men have the same problem."

par_parenthese

@Briony Fields

Pinot

@Briony Fields I just sputtered in rage.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

i was trying to come up with a "why we are not crushing on you" but if im honest with myself i can totally tolerate a lot of dumb shit

pimentinha

2% Wears an overcoat he never takes off during the date.
8% Aforementioned sandals, but with white ankle socks too.
90% Only kisses with short, birdlike, swooping in motions ~and~ won't meet up with you unless you buy the cheap brandy because he's broke

(These are not all the same people.)

Scandyhoovian

@pimentinha "Only kisses with short, birdlike, swooping in motions"

I pictured this, which I'm sure is horribly inaccurate:

pimentinha

@Scandyhoovian Not inaccurate at all! It was pretty much like that, only much faster. I'm not sure why it took me so long to kick that juicebox to the curb, but so glad I finally did. He just released a self-published PDF ebook of "visual poems" on facebook, and as far as I can tell, he just typed up a bunch of stuff in Wingdings. Let's just call that his other 10% to bring him up to an even 100%.

Scandyhoovian

Oh oh here's how the grad school crush died:

10% overheard you bragging about how you don't actually read the material
10% hearing you surf on other people's comments all year into teacher's petdom entirely without merit
80% heard you bragging -- BRAGGING! -- about how you were sucking up just so she'd write you a rec for the phd program you wanted to get into at the ivy league you called a "real university" while being a total jerk about the one giving all of us (and you!) a masters degree

(ps hearing he cheated on his written comps to pass them but failed his verbal comps 3 times in a row and then gave up was the best schadenfreude feeling I've ever experienced)

Diana

30% bad taste in books
70% bad taste in shoes (let's not stop at comfort sandals)
10000000000000000000% not that into breakfast ARE YOU A MONSTER?

I've never even considered the possibility that I might meet a man who "isn't really into breakfast." This is San Francisco. Brunch is a way of life. What do those dudes even do on the weekends? Oh god, I bet they go jogging in the mornings. Sorry, it's not me, it's definitely you.

martinipie

@Diana Bad shoes have turned so many of my appreciative full-body stares from :D to D:

par_parenthese

@martinipie Oh man, this is terrible of me but sometimes in church I mentally restyle the dudes sitting around me? There's one guy in particular who is EXTREMELY good looking but wears horrible walmart jeans and WHITE ATHLETIC SOCKS and WHITE SNEAKERS and like belts and polos to church every week and I just want to shove him into a corner and demonstrate a few options (after I've smacked him upside the head a few times because let me reiterate WHITE ATHLETIC SOCKS AND WHITE SNEAKERS). Like, you want to be a little classic, a little preppy? Please let me introduce you to relaxed-fit colored chinos and Sperry topsiders. And dark-wash jeans. And black or brown or some other color of shoe. And the concept that athletic socks are for athletic events, ONLY. And then let me introduce you to some ladies because they will be BY YOU.

martinipie

@par_parenthese I have been trying, with no success whatsoever, to give my dad a makeover my whole life. He dresses exactly as you describe and I want him to dress the way you describe as well...oh dad.

Regina Phalange

@martinipie The ladies over at GoFugYourself call that a "scrolldown fug." I have a friend who is the EPITOME of the SDF, and I just want to clutch him tight to my bosom and gesture frantically behind his back to our friends to go burn all his shoes.

Regina Phalange

@par_parenthese WWJW
(No, but for real, I'm in the congregant makeover game, myself. That Ryan Gosling gif where he claps Steve Carell's face and intones "Be better than the Gap" runs through my head a LOT during homilies.)

martinipie

100% you shaved off your beard

grizzle_bees

@martinipie THE HORROR

MilesofMountains

@martinipie 100% you grew inadvisable facial hair

par_parenthese

@martinipie Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

This recently happened to me in a good way because said dude was engaged. Damn, he looked good with that beard, though.

martinipie

@MilesofMountains In the game of beards, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

grizzle_bees

@martinipie YES.

martinipie

@shart_attack Imma just need you to follow me around enthusiastically agreeing with me on days when I doubt all my decisions is that ok with u?

par_parenthese

100% you text flirted with me for weeks and then started going out with a younger, thinner, ditzier acquaintance.

par_parenthese

Amended:

30% you text flirted with me for weeks and then started going out with a younger, thinner, ditzier acquaintance.
30% only liked your lips, on reflection.
40% am now friends with your sister; awkward.

par_parenthese

@TARDIStime It's happening again! I get notifications that you've replied and then click "reply" and the comment has disappeared!! What is even... I don't... WITCHCRAFT, I TELL YOU.

Linette

100% My therapist.

Thanks, therapist.

Pound of Salt

50% I spotted you on a really crowded subway train taking up two spots with your man bag.

yeah-elle

@Pound of Salt Yes yes yes, this. Plus: taking up way more than your fair share of allotted space by spreading out your body as much as possible, sitting with your legs spread suuuuper wide, using both armrests, feet up on the opposite seat, etc etc.

knockout

15% I saw you walk into a street sign once and that's all I picture when we make out.
35% You try to make conversation during Jeopardy.

martinipie

@knockout HAHAHA that first one! and the second is a killable offense.

par_parenthese

@knockout !!!!!!!! NO WE DO NOT TALK DURING JEOPARDY WHAT

knockout

@par_parenthese I regularly have to go over the rules when someone new watches with me. No, we do not blurt out the Final Jeopardy answer; we are not savages. We calmly wait the 30 seconds then reveal at the same time.

Amphora

@par_parenthese We only talk to shout the answers at the TV (another reason I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym between 3:30 and 4:00)

par_parenthese

@Amphora Yes, of course, we have to say the answers out loud. But social talking only happens during Wheel of Fortune because everyone can figure it out while they chit-chat.

laurel

100% you used the noun "female" to mean a human woman.

ach_so

@laurel What is up with that?

par_parenthese

@laurel Outside of a police report? Unacceptable.

Pinot

@laurel This was the final straw for the last crush.

MarianTheLibrarian

@laurel Aaaaaand, you just became my favorite person on the planet. It is my life's mission to stop people from doing that.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Haircut. It's always a haircut.

Hellcat

100% you said "rear end" instead of "ass" while talking to me on the phone. Yes, that's a stupid reason but, no, I could not have just dealt with it at that time in my life.

Inkling

100% Do he got a booty? He dooOOOn't :c

milominderbender

@Inkling I was logged out. I logged in to thumbs this up.

milominderbender

@milominderbender thumb this up? I don't know.

Inkling

@milominderbender
Sometimes boys never have booties and for this they must be punished.

maenadmadness

On Monday night, I went out to my favorite drinking establishment to meet my one of my closest friend's new ladyfriend. I had a lovely time. She was pretty cool. Whatever. All's well there.

While I'm at my favorite drinking establishment, I run into this guy that I've seriously had a crush on for like 10 years, but whom I had entirely consigned to the "never gonna happen" category of dudes. We get drunk together, and he takes me back to his. We talk until very late in the night, and I assume I'm gonna be couching it when it's time to go to sleep because he's made zero moves, and it all just seems friendly, not sexy. Anyway, I'm about to turn in for the night, and he moves in to kiss me, and we end up making out/heavy petting for another hour or so. Upon waking the next morning, he drives me back to my car.

Cut to today. I receive a FB message from him (I guess he didn't have my phone number?) saying that even though he and his ex aren't together anymore, he feels guilty about it, and "I hope I didn't offend you."

...

What the shit is that!?

Of course, I'm way too nice, so I message him back something about not being offended and hoping he's alright. Blergh. I know.

But seriously, crush over.

Little_Lakes

@maenadmadness Noooooooooooooooooo!! Bullet dodged, my friend.

themegnapkin

@maenadmadness "I hope I didn't offend you"?

Jolly Farton

@maenadmadness "I HOPE I DIDN'T OFFEND YOU"?!!???

Inkling

@Jolly Farton
That's SO rapey. Like you were secretly offended the whole time you were having sex but still the sex continued? What? Fuck yoooou.

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Megasus

I can't judge on the comfort sandals things, as I have to wear orthotic shoes. I would bump up paleo way higher. Not that I don't know lovely people who at that way, but they are the minority.

Pinot

30% Lazy pet owner to an adorable dog.
30% Still lived with his mom, who made him breakfast/dinner every day.
15% Poor communicator.
15% Casually racist about tourists.
10% (Last straw) Kept saying "females" because he knew it annoyed me.

ayo nicole

@Pinot UGH guys who say "females" should never get laid

katiethegreat

20% bad haircut.
80% "oh, I never really got into Harry Potter."

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