Romance By You, For You
Thanks to my friend Emily, I’ve just discovered Romance By You, a service that allows you to insert your name, love interest’s name, and sundry personal details into a romance novel. I’ve spent all day putting everyone’s names I can think of into bodice-rippers about werewolves, detectives, werewolf detectives, pirates, vampires, ER doctors, and medieval knights.
Here’s how it works, at least for the free excerpts: You’re prompted to enter the heroine’s name, hair color, eye color, sometimes the name of a female friend or pet, the hero’s name, and sometimes his hair or eye color or build. Then it provides you with something like this:
Huxley sighed. He longed to go to Eartha Kitteh, to comfort her, to caress her, but he could not, and so he remained outside, just below her window, watching and listening. He thought of her silky brown hair and dancing blue eyes. His mouth filled with the bittersweet taste of longing.
Only much longer, and often a bit sexier, but I used my dog’s name and Emily’s cat’s name and I didn’t want it to get too gross.
That’s just the free preview, though. Surely, once you shell out the money for an actual book, you’re allowed to personalize it more. Here are some passages I’ve put together for your use.
“It’s all yours now, my love,” he intoned, gazing fondly at her [hair texture] [hair color] hair. “For I am an oil baron, and you shall be my wife. That is, if your father [father’s name] will grant his blessing for me to marry you on you family’s estate at [hometown].”
“I must be getting over-tired,” she reasoned, putting the evidence she was considering down on the [material of woman’s coffee table] coffee table and deciding instead to have a drink of [preferred liquor or liquor alternative]. Very quickly, though, she realized she was being watched. Lord [man’s name] stepped out of the shadows, his [eye color] eyes ablaze, and the case was forgotten as she felt her heart beat at [rate 20 percent higher than normal resting heart rate].
“No, no,” breathed [man’s name], slowly undoing the [appropriate fastener types] of her [favorite item of clothing to wear on top half] and pushing her down on the [duvet color] duvet. “You’re not half so innocent as you seem. Don’t forget, we’ve shared everything with each other. I know all about the time you [early, vaguely embarrassing sexual experience] with [half-forgotten high school classmate]. I even know how much you like [woman’s preferred sexual position or kink, shared with man after three shots of tequila and a hit off the hostess’s joint].
Jess Zimmerman increases the penis joke and Hitchhiker’s Guide reference density of the internet. She tweets a lot about feminism and dogs and stuff at @j_zimms.