Friday, May 31, 2013


Romance By You, For You

Thanks to my friend Emily, I've just discovered Romance By You, a service that allows you to insert your name, love interest's name, and sundry personal details into a romance novel. I've spent all day putting everyone's names I can think of into bodice-rippers about werewolves, detectives, werewolf detectives, pirates, vampires, ER doctors, and medieval knights.

Here's how it works, at least for the free excerpts: You're prompted to enter the heroine's name, hair color, eye color, sometimes the name of a female friend or pet, the hero's name, and sometimes his hair or eye color or build. Then it provides you with something like this:

Huxley sighed. He longed to go to Eartha Kitteh, to comfort her, to caress her, but he could not, and so he remained outside, just below her window, watching and listening. He thought of her silky brown hair and dancing blue eyes. His mouth filled with the bittersweet taste of longing.

Only much longer, and often a bit sexier, but I used my dog's name and Emily's cat's name and I didn't want it to get too gross.

That's just the free preview, though. Surely, once you shell out the money for an actual book, you're allowed to personalize it more. Here are some passages I've put together for your use.

“But [man's name],” [woman's name] said tremulously, her [ring size] fingers clasped to her [skin tone] bosom. “Even a [college] graduate like me never dreamed of such wealth.”

“It's all yours now, my love,” he intoned, gazing fondly at her [hair texture] [hair color] hair. “For I am an oil baron, and you shall be my wife. That is, if your father [father's name] will grant his blessing for me to marry you on you family's estate at [hometown].”

Even as her hand traveled down his [body type] back, her [nail length] fingernails raking his sensitive spine, [woman's name] could feel the change in him. His skin became [color one shade paler than regular skin tone], and his canine teeth seemed to lengthen into hideous fangs. She was a devout [religion] and didn't believe in the occult – and yet there he was, the same [favorite item of clothing] but his handsome face now unmistakably belonging to a creature of the night. “[Frequently-used exclamation],” she shrieked. “He's a vampire!”

[Woman's name] shook her [hair color] tresses and [removed her / didn't wear] glasses. Why must Lord [man's name] be so infuriating, with his [timbre] voice and his witty quips in [other language spoken]? He may be a brilliant detective, but he wasn't perfect – he couldn't even [thing man doesn't know how to do]. Plus, he was so [physical quality of which man is ashamed]! So why was she unable to stop thinking of him, and how his hands would feel on her [favorite body part]?

“I must be getting over-tired,” she reasoned, putting the evidence she was considering down on the [material of woman's coffee table] coffee table and deciding instead to have a drink of [preferred liquor or liquor alternative]. Very quickly, though, she realized she was being watched. Lord [man's name] stepped out of the shadows, his [eye color] eyes ablaze, and the case was forgotten as she felt her heart beat at [rate 20 percent higher than normal resting heart rate].

“Oh, my love,” [woman's name] whispered as [man's name] ran his fingers over her cheek. “That was such a lovely dinner at [favorite restaurant for dinner], and you even got me that [present woman has always wanted] I've always wanted. But I'm afraid I'm much too fragile and innocent for [man's preferred sexual position or kink].”

“No, no,” breathed [man's name], slowly undoing the [appropriate fastener types] of her [favorite item of clothing to wear on top half] and pushing her down on the [duvet color] duvet. “You're not half so innocent as you seem. Don't forget, we've shared everything with each other. I know all about the time you [early, vaguely embarrassing sexual experience] with [half-forgotten high school classmate]. I even know how much you like [woman's preferred sexual position or kink, shared with man after three shots of tequila and a hit off the hostess's joint].

The pirate king [man's name] stood [height descriptor] and proud at the helm of his ship, the [man's mother's name]. “Come with me, [woman's name],” he called, “no longer as my prisoner, but as my love! Leave behind the [greatest frustration of woman's job], the [element of modern life or technology woman finds most mystifying], the demands of [child or pet's name], and the infuriating [infuriating thing husband does] that your husband does! Sail with me into the wilds of [place woman has always wanted to visit]! If you will give me [sexual favor woman enjoys or at least does not mind], I will give you the world.”

Jess Zimmerman increases the penis joke and Hitchhiker's Guide reference density of the internet. She tweets a lot about feminism and dogs and stuff at @j_zimms

27 Comments / Post A Comment

Judith Slutler

FARTS shook her FARTS tresses and FARTS glasses. Why must Lord FARTS be so infuriating, with his FARTS voice and his witty quips in FARTS? He may be a brilliant detective, but he wasn't perfect – he couldn't even FARTS. Plus, he was so FARTS! So why was she unable to stop thinking of him, and how his hands would feel on her FARTS?
“I must be getting over-tired,” she reasoned, putting the evidence she was considering down on the FARTS coffee table and deciding instead to have a drink of FARTS. Very quickly, though, she realized she was being watched. Lord FARTS stepped out of the shadows, his FARTS eyes ablaze, and the case was forgotten as she felt her heart beat at FARTS.

... that is how to do this, right?

fondue with cheddar

@Judith Slutler We had a MadLibs program on my dad's work computer (which was at home) when I was a kid, and computer games were pretty simple back then. There were only four stories, and we played so much we learned how to make the results come out the way we wanted. The cowboy one always ended with the bad guy getting shot and falling into a puddle of pee.


@Judith Slutler LOLing for days.


@Judith Slutler I am weeping with laughter. (Am I 12?)

fondue with cheddar

@Verity Farts are hilarious no matter how old you are!


@highfivesforall yessss I came down here to post this. "...his nothin' to write home about chest"


@highfivesforall I want to read the rest of that


@sunflowernut At least we have the alt-text.


@sunflowernut "um uh well uh" whispered Roast Beef breathily. Suddenly, Roast Beef's neighbor Ray music mogul and damned handsome man burst in like a rude jicama root into the dinner table of life. "Gasp! I am betrayed! To believe my best friend since BMX days and my lady friend who is the lady of my friend and barely is even a lady to me would dare to get mad-rutty on my gyroscopically-leveled pool table!"




So this must be how E.L James wrote "50 Shades of Gray". I understand now.

Setec Astrology

Favorite part: "... and [removed her / didn't wear] glasses."


@Setec Astrology
hehe good one.


I feel like this might be a good study tool, like

"He sighed heavily, more low growl than exhale. "I knew I should have looked you up in [capitol of Iowa], but my life was too hectic, spending all my time in the basement library studying the life of [Duke who united many of the German state in the late 1800s]." She turned to face him, one hand still clasped to the railing. "These things happen I suppose. I was going to leave anyway, I had an... ongoing dalliance with [Constitutional originalist nominated and rejected for a Supreme Court seat in 1987]."

Personally I think the latent potential of erotic learning is yet untapped.


@Danzig! This would make you a popular college tutor.


Surely I am not the only person who, as nearly-teen in the early 90s, managed to find a .txt file of Les Misérables, then utilized the "Find & Replace" in MS Works to replace "Marius" with his own name and "Cosette" with that of a crush (each step requiring the computer be left to run all night, as that F&R took hours to complete on my even then old & crappy computer)


@leon s Don't call me Surely.


She wiped the sweat off of his [part of his body], and sighed. "It's so hot today, I think we should [activity that would cool them off]." She moved over to the window to open it, but it was stuck. He saw her difficulties and laughed. She turned around and smiled at him, and said with a wink, "God, you're such an [expletive]." He shrugged and said, "Does that mean we're not going to do it?" She walked away from him, and said "I'll be in the [bath or shower], ALONE."


There used to be (is?) a website that did this with public domain classics. I absolutely have a copy of Sydwi of Green Gables on my LM Montgomery bookshelf - I did personalize most of the available characters with names of friends, but dude, I'm not an idiot. I totally kept Gilbert Blythe as Gilbert Blythe. (swoon)


@sydwi Sydwi with an "e"?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

idk, this sounds like a phishing scam for security questions, although I'd like to see how they'd work in [main character's mother's maiden name].


@Bus Driver Stu Benedict "My darling, it can never be. Your mother is of the [mother's maiden name] Clan? How could you forget the blood feud between our peoples? Don't you remember when [childhood pet's name] was left dead on the stoop of your [street you grew up on] home? That was our doing. This has gone on for [birthdate] years and it will go on for [social security number] more."

Obat Tradisional Diabetes@facebook

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Ioan Ignat@facebook

This article is amazing, i like the way you written it and i love the subject. Romance is what the people wants nowadays, and you can make your girlfriend happy by getting free facebook likes to his profile.

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