Things Eva Braun’s Best Friend Said When Hitler First Asked Her Out (Plus One Thing Eva Braun’s Best Friend Said After She Started Dating Hitler)

“Trust me — I am never wrong about these things.”

“Mein Gott, he’s an artist? Dreamboat Restaurant, table for zwei!“

“Dating an older guy is sorta like getting a Doktor der Philosophie … in life.”

“It is so freundlich that he’s close with his niece! Famliie ist everything.”

“A lot of young men were taken from us in World War I. You can’t be all ‘Fräulein Choosy’ about it!” 

“Ach! He likes hunds!”

“It’s just a date! You don’t have to marry him.”

“And even if you did have to marry him — what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I think you’re confusing ‘having standards’ with ‘being as cold as the Danube in Januar.’ ”

“Ja, but he’ll probably respect your ‘borders’!”

“Ja, but he might be really good in bed!”

“Ja, but sex isn’t everything!”

“Fine — let’s do the math. On the one hand, Deutschland is on the brink of war, Europa is mired in mass depression, and you’re a shopgirl about to hit the big ein-acht. On the other hand, the future Führer is standing in front of asking you to file his papers, travel domestically taking his propaganda photos, und share his en suite bathroom? What are you waiting for? Poland to fall?”

“Oopsensdasies! I was totes wrong about this thing. Meine fehler!”

 

Langan Kingsley lives in New York City and performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. You can comb through her thoughts on Twitter @thisislangan.

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