Monday, April 1, 2013


Things Eva Braun’s Best Friend Said When Hitler First Asked Her Out (Plus One Thing Eva Braun’s Best Friend Said After She Started Dating Hitler)

“Trust me — I am never wrong about these things.”

“Mein Gott, he’s an artist? Dreamboat Restaurant, table for zwei!“

“Dating an older guy is sorta like getting a Doktor der Philosophie ... in life.”

“It is so freundlich that he’s close with his niece! Famliie ist everything.”

“A lot of young men were taken from us in World War I. You can’t be all ‘Fräulein Choosy’ about it!" 

“Ach! He likes hunds!”

“It’s just a date! You don’t have to marry him.”

“And even if you did have to marry him — what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I think you’re confusing ‘having standards’ with ‘being as cold as the Danube in Januar.’ ”

“Ja, but he’ll probably respect your 'borders'!”

“Ja, but he might be really good in bed!”

“Ja, but sex isn’t everything!”

“Fine — let's do the math. On the one hand, Deutschland is on the brink of war, Europa is mired in mass depression, and you’re a shopgirl about to hit the big ein-acht. On the other hand, the future Führer is standing in front of asking you to file his papers, travel domestically taking his propaganda photos, und share his en suite bathroom? What are you waiting for? Poland to fall?”

“Oopsensdasies! I was totes wrong about this thing. Meine fehler!”


Langan Kingsley lives in New York City and performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. You can comb through her thoughts on Twitter @thisislangan.

50 Comments / Post A Comment


um, it is a rarity that I think this when on the hairpin... but I don't like this. I think it's rather stupid. Can somebody enlighten me as to what the point or humor in this is?


@joythemanatee Maybe it's for April Fool's Day?

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

@joythemanatee I read the whole thing in an exaggerated German accent, which always amuses me. Not much else was amusing though.

In other news, is your avatar a baby panda riding a rocking horse?? Because that would be amazeballs. As you may be able to tell from my username, I have a serious propensity towards cute. It's a problem.


@joythemanatee Yeah I thought it was KIND OF funny but not Hairpin quality funny. But I feel so mean saying that because this IS the Hairpin - what if the writer reads this and is like "wahhh I just thought it was kind of funny you guys!"


@ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ I think the 'exaggerated German accent' thing is why I found it mildly entertaining. "Oopsendasies" got a good giggle out of me.


@joythemanatee I thought “Ja, but he’ll probably respect your 'borders'!” was a decent line.


@joythemanatee Personally, I thought this was HILARIOUS, in a silly, silly way. "Dreamboat Restaurant, table for zwei!“ made me actually LOL. Different strokes, ya know?


@ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ It iiiis a baby panda on a rocking horse! I've only seen this as a photo, so I don't know how long he managed to stay on... And I can't believe your 'name' is a little kaola face! I love it!

And yes, right, April Fool's Day! That makes more sense. I always forget... ha.


@joythemanatee This is a different baby panda than your's on a rocking horse, and he does not stay on for very long, but is very cute (warning, audio pretty loud so mute your speakers):


@joythemanatee Yeah, I actually found it a little icky. Holocaust jokes aren't for everyone. But I'm sure there are things I find funny that other people find tasteless and not funny, so...


Well this should be interesting...


For some reason, I hear this entire list in Mel Brooks' exaggerated 'Springtime for Hitler' voice. Which, to be fair, makes it way funnier.


@Scandyhoovian EXACTLY what I heard too.


This could have been anything else


@jackietgregory Hoo boy, what are Things I Think About Myself Are Finishing Pretty Much Anything (you have cut to the core of me


@melis I mean I'm not picky but


So anyway, a weird baby thing that makes me laugh every time I think about it is The Quiet One's habit of adding an ahh syllable to the end of words when she's upset. Like, if she really wants her milk she'll be like "milkaaaaaghhh". Or this morning when she wanted to stay in her PJs instead of getting dressed: "Jamas-aaagghhh"


@iceberg The more I read about your babies the more I suspect I am actually one of them. (A baby, not one of your babies.)

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I love this.

Lily Rowan

"Deutschland? More like DOUCHEland, am I right??"

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose


fondue with cheddar

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I predict someone is going to change their username to Oopsendasies today.


@fondue with cheddar I hope so. It may be my new favorite thing to say.

Miss Maszkerádi

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I read it as "Oopensiedaisies" which sounded somehow even more fake-German? And also was the only funny thing about this. I mean I love a good howlingly inappropriate Eva Braun and/or Hitler joke, don't get me wrong, but this was.....feeble.


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Totally heard Christoph Waltz-as-Hans Landa reading that + the corresponding facial expression and cracked myself up


@martinipie That's the voice I read this whole thing in and I LOVED IT.


Nothing about the landing strip already being on his face?

Miss Maszkerádi

@Slutface see now THAT is comedy.


"What do you mean he hasn't taken you out for a steak dinner yet?"


See, my favorite part of Downfall was when Eva Braun was talking to the secretary and was like, "Hitler, am I right? I never know what he's thinking! I just can't figure him out!!" But I feel like that was funny, if perhaps unintentionally so, where this just leaves me kinda cold. Tut mir leid!


I, for one, thought pretty much all of this was LOL-worthy.


I hate to be pedantic*, but it's "mein Fehler," not "meine Fehler," because it's "der Fehler," not "die Fehler." Unless she meant "mistake" to be plural, which I do not think she did because that would sound odd in both German and English.

*This is false. I love being pedantic.


So this is my username now (I've only ever commented twice before, so not a major change)

Roaring Girl

@Oopsensdasies! Aaah, you beat me to it.

mrs psmith

I'm not saying that there's no such thing as a funny Holocaust joke, yeah, but this isn't it.


@mrs psmith exactly.


@mrs psmith Yes, I feel that like with most borderline-offensive subjects, it has to be really funny to make it work. This is not it.


@mrs psmith It's shaggy dog jokes.

mrs psmith

@Ellie I get that, but my feeling is that if you are going to shaggy dog joke ABOUT HITLER you'd better bring your fucking A-game.


long long ago when i was first exploring the internet, I found this sketch about typical film nazi types and it was incredible. I actually had a hard time re-finding a good link, but here you go: http://grasshopperliesheavy.blogspot.com/2004/10/so-you-see-captain-we-are-not-all.html Modern further internet tells me that this is from a British sketch comedy group Smith and Jones, and the sketch is on Youtube, but I think it's funnier written down (although that might just be because that's how I first found it...)

The Attic Wife

...actually, I found this really, really funny. Anyone else?

Hot Doom

@The Attic Wife ...yeah. I lost it at 'Table for zwei'.

The Attic Wife

@The Attic Wife For me it was 'Ja, but sex isn't everything!'

Did anyone else watch the Hitler Home Movies when they were on the History Channel? Oh god, did I just admit to watching Hitler's home movies? Did I just admit to watching the History Channel?


@The Attic Wife I lost it at, "You can’t be all ‘Fräulein Choosy’ about it!"
Also, yes, the home movies. The dogs.


@The Attic Wife I am often that person who says 'yeah this topic just isn't funny for jokes' (usually rape). Buuuuuuut I thought this was funny? I guess because I thought it was poking fun at stupid stereotypes of things women say to their single friends... including the declining of all responsibility for previous advice when it doesn't work out... :and because clearly no woman in her right mind would knowingly go out with Hitler:. I mean really. If Eva Braun wrote in to Ask A Lady or Ask A Married Dude would Pinners tell her that this Fuhrer dude sounds peachy keen? NO!!! We would tell her to DTMFA with fire!!!!


Oopsensdasies! I died. Totes hilars.


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