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Thursday, April 11, 2013

264

The Insecurity Pie

Previously: The #DreamLover Pie

Ann Friedman is at home in a pair of black leggings eating a Ritter Sport.



264 Comments / Post A Comment

Tuna Surprise

Can I share someone else's personal nightmare come true?

I was in Hawaii with my family. It was dusk and I was headed back to the hotel room to shower. I pressed the button for the elevator and when it stopped, I got in with two women who were already inside (one late 20s, other late 40s). While in the elevator, I kept thinking "Hmm, it smells a little funny in here" but I wasn't overwhelmed by the odor. The elevator stops on a floor lower than mine and the women get off (older in front, younger trying to stand close to her). As the doors were closing, I caught a glimpse of the older woman's backside and she had clearly just mega-sharted herself to the point it showed through her dress.

I felt so terrible for the lady. The hotel was otherwise so quiet at that moment but I just happened to ring for the elevator when they were trying to make their escape back to the room.

Verity

@Tuna Surprise At the GP surgery where I worked until recently, the toilet had a code that needed to be entered for the door to open (as, previously, local lorry drivers/passers-by had just wandered in constantly and taken advantage of the free toilet. And it was the only disabled-access toilet, so it was quite helpful for it not to be occupied by people who'd just come in off the street all the time). One day a woman came to the reception desk (a few metres away) asking for the code. Unfortunately, it was too late and she ended up pooing all over the floor of the hallway. Poor woman; she was mortified.

piekin

@Verity One time I took my truly horrible MIL to the zoo and she somehow managed to shit herself as we were walking around. I felt deeply sympathetic for about 30 seconds, until I realized it was karma manifested.

Bloodrocuted

@piekin I just really want to know how horrible she is for them to have the situation and you not feel bad.
Obviously I don't have my own story to contribute. Once my neighbor bled on my couch, but it was not a big deal, as I am best at bleeding on things already.

Alli525

@Tuna Surprise oh god once I was on the train home, and a woman was standing right by the door, and when she got off the train there was a puddle of blood right where she had been standing. I felt so embarrassed for her, but also really grossed out.

nutellaCinderella

@Tuna Surprise - Apt firstie.

RNL
RNL

Let me tell you a story: I was a server in a pretty nice but fairly casual bistro. We had this regular, a lovely woman in her 30s. One time she came in with a date. They ate dinner, paid the bill, tipped normally (not generously), left. Two minute later, she comes in, comes up to the bar, tells me she's bled all over her chair but can't clean it up because of her date. Leaves.

Well then.

New Hoarder

@RNL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNND this is The Hairpin I know and love and have been missing.

Amphora

Once I got post-abortion super-period blood on a friend's couch. I was too embarrassed to say anything and they haven't invited me back since.

fondue with cheddar

I got period blood on my white leggings in 8th grade during lunch and had to walk all the way to the other end of the building to get to the nurse's office. By the time I got there the bloodstains had spread nearly to my knees.

RubeksCube

@fondue with cheddar The first time I got my period was at a Girl Scout meeting. My mom was at work, so they called my grandmother. I was crying hysterically, but the troop leader took the opportunity to sit me down in front of the rest of the troop, explain what happened, and allowed them to ask me questions while I waited for my grandmother to arrive and rescue me. I will never forget how humiliating that was, even though in hindsight it was probably very educational for the rest of the troop.

Ellie

@RubeksCube OH MY GOD.

fondue with cheddar

@RubeksCube OOF. Yeah, it was great for everyone but you!

When I was in 4th grade they got all the girls together and taught us about menstruation. Before they showed us the filmstrip or movie or whatever it was, one of the teachers asked if anybody had gotten their period yet. ONE girl raised her hand. I felt so bad for that girl.

districter

@fondue with cheddar I got mine while at my grandmother
s over the summer and she told me this story of how her cousin was like frantically washing her underwear for a week thinking she was dieing before her mom was like, "Oh let me tell you about this thing women get." After I told my grandmom that they teach us all that in school now she was so relieved and impressed. And then I had to wear a incontinence pad until my mom got there since that was everything my grandmother had. ~ memories ~

fondue with cheddar

@districter Wow, how scary that must've been for her!

I remember once when I was at my cousins, I noticed a brown stain on her underwear, and I started teasing her, singing, "Heather pooped her paa-aaaants!" In hindsight, they were probably period stains.

themlemons

@fondue with cheddar This is why I will never, ever wear white pants.

insouciantlover

@fondue with cheddar In 9th grade I had it soak through my pad, through my jeans and even through the hoodie wrapped around my waist. I wore my backpack slung low to cover my butt and washed the blood out of the hoodie in the bathroom, then wrapped it back around my waist. I then realized that it looked like I had peed myself.

fondue with cheddar

@insouciantlover Oh, NO. Man, learning how to deal with a period sucks so bad.

Blushingflwr

@fondue with cheddar Honestly, that was the only part of puberty that I found difficult or traumatic. Learning how to know when your pad/tampon needs changing, figuring out how to do that without drawing attention to the fact that you're going to the bathroom more today than you normally do, etc.

BoozinSusan

@themlemons One memory I will (apparently) always carry with me is of being in 8th grade and getting my period unbeknownst to me. It's the free time between classes, and I'm doodling on the chalkboard of my Latin class in front of the (thankfully, only maybe 8) other students. One of my friends comes up, whispers, "You have blood all over your pants," and there I am, showing everyone, including a couple cute boys, a seat full of fresh blood.
Thankfully, the sweater-tied-'round-your-waist thing was somewhat fashionable at that point (1999) but SERIOUSLY. NIGHTMARE.

Hot Doom

@insouciantlover :(((
I think there is a specific level of personal hell reserved for middle school period trauma. Aside from shifting around uncomfortably in my chair in elementary school (I started my period the summer before 5th grade), to avoid having period blood come through the leggings I insisted on wearing, my worst period trauma involved a giant blood spot soaking through my light grey gym shorts in 7th grade. We had co-ed PE, and the boy I had had a huge crush on since 5th grade definitely saw the fist-sized red spot and said "I think you sat in something". Which, ok, that is way better than being like "BLOOD! YOUR BLOOD IS SHOWING". I still can't wrap my sweatshirt around my waist without a smack of period PTSD.

Faintly Macabre

@fondue with cheddar AAAAAHHH to all of these stories. My period is a bitch, but I am suddenly very grateful that it usually starts slowly and the only accidents I've ever had have been when I was sleeping in bed or a pad went askew. Especially because I got my first period at a competition where I was wearing all white.

dangerouslibrarian

@fondue with cheddar Ugh! This is bringing back the time in 9th grade biology when all I got this note saying: There is a stain on the back of your skirt and we know what it is. It was was signed by all the popular girls.

themlemons

@dangerouslibrarian Yeah, what is that about? When I was thirteen one of the popular girls told me very nastily that I had a large stain and "we all saw it." Gee... thanks?

Pyxis

@fondue with cheddar I used to work at an after school program for middle school. One afternoon two girls called me over to whisper to me that their friend had started her period, and it was leaking all over the bench. It was long after the nurse had left, and I had no idea what to do. I ended up running to the gas station across the street to get her some pads, while another staff called her mom. She never came back to the program after that. I really hope she got over it. I think that was everyone's nightmare.

Better to Eat You With

@fondue with cheddar Your story just triggered a totally embarrassing memory for me: I shared a room with my sister when we were kids. (She's 7 years older, my brother's 9 years older.) One morning when I woke up, she'd bled all over the sheets. I must have been 7 or 8--definitely pre-4th grade. I freaked out, ran and got my brother, crying, "Sissy's bleeding! I think she's dying!" My brother, who knows what's up, says, "No, it's okay, she probably just had a nosebleed" (which happened sometimes). To which I say, "No, no, it's on her underwear!"

My brother, not missing a beat, says, "She probably just had her head up her ass again."

BoozinSusan

@Better to Eat You With Your brother sounds SUPERB!

Better to Eat You With

@BoozinSusan Mean as a snake, but really, really funny.

hence_erstwhile

@fondue with cheddar OKAY. In the seventh grade I was at a friend's party, and my mother was really terrible (I have stories other than about how terrible my mother is, promise) and never talked to me about my period and how it would eventually get heavier, so I only brought one extra pad because that's all I'd ever needed, and because my mother had such an impossible time talking to me about it I assumed that periods were The Most Shameful Thing, so I wound up bleeding all over a really nice piece of upholstery at my friend's house. I turned it over to hide it when my friends left the room and then proceeded to have what in hindsight felt like the worst period of my life in their bathroom. I spent two hours cleaning up after myself as I bled absolutely everywhere -- the floor, the tub, it somehow got on everything -- and I was so afraid to use her older sister's pads because THEN SOMEONE WOULD KNOW, so I just DIDN'T, because I THOUGHT IT WAS THE MOST SHAMEFUL THING, MORE SHAMEFUL THAN ANYTHING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN, and I have no idea how I survived the night because it was totally a sleepover and I think the next morning I just finally used her sister's pads and I hoped to god no one would ever find out and I left and spent the rest of the day washing period blood out of all of my clothing by hand in secret in the bathtub because *no one could ever know*.

Turns out my friend's parents, who were amazingly cool, found the upholstery (duh) and called my mother. My mother would later bring this up against me as an example of my stunning incompetence as a human being. So I'm really relieved to read all your stories because I legitimately believed this was all my fault until this very day, and it's been many many years since then. So thanks for sharing your embarrassing period tales. This pie is so truly the insecurity pie.

RubeksCube

@hence_erstwhile OH MY GOD that is truly terrible. At least your friend's parents were cool about it. And no, it was totally NOT your fault - clearly this crazy comment section has proven that we have all been there. :)

fondue with cheddar

@dangerouslibrarian OMG why are the popular girls in middle school always so mean?

@Better to Eat You With Your brother! :)

@hence_erstwhile Wow, that's horrible. I feel so lucky to have learned about periods before I got mine, because when I first got it I was at home (thankfully) and I went in the living room and calmly said, "Mom, I just got my period," and she gave me a pad and showed me how to use it and it was totally not a big deal. I wish that were the experience everyone else had, because I can see how it can be scary as shit for a lot of reasons!

Alli525

@BoozinSusan Oh lord this is bringing back memories... once in 7th or 8th grade I was wearing a dark skirt with a floral gauzy overlay and I either got my period or overflowed my pad. It was rainy that day so the only thing I had to tie around my waist was NOT a sweatshirt but a bright magenta raincoat that my mom insisted on buying for me although I found those rubber raincoats to be sticky and muggy and also I hated pink.

All I remember from that day was crying all afternoon because my mom refused to come get me, or bring a change of clothes or something, and OBVIOUSLY everyone knew what was up.

itiresias

@themlemons It truly is bizarre. Burned in my memory is a time I was in gym class, and I was always super awkward and tiny and underweight (which I later realized was food allergy related, but whatever) and girls always rolled the waistbands of their gym shorts to make them shorter. I had done this, and was playing a game in gym, and the popular girls came up to me and one said "We all can see your ass, and there's not even anything there to see. It's disgusting." Middle school body shame is something I could never bear to wish on anyone.

@fondue with cheddar I feel the same way. My mom is hilariously over-enthusiastic and under-...useful, but I got mine at home, went in the kitchen and calmly said "Mom, I got my period." And she screamed, dropped the spoon she was stirring with, jumped on me and hugged me, and then turned around and went back to stirring the pasta sauce. I was like "...Can you...give me a tampon or something?" She burst out laughing and was like "oh honey, I stopped getting mine a few years ago. I don't have anything like that." "...Can you...drive me to CVS?" "Um, dinner's almost ready. Maybe Dad can afterwards? You should ask." I'll take funny over traumatic any day.

fondue with cheddar

@itiresias Haha! Your mom sounds awesome in a lovably eccentric kind of way. She reminds me of my boyfriend's mom.

does it need saying

@Better to Eat You With I felt the need to let you know that I actually just spit all over my computer screen from your brother's one-liner.
I read about the spitting all over things all the time and think to myself "whatever," so I thought I'd share.

I was also just recently impressed with my daughter and husband. My daughter's friend started at school and bled on her pants. My daughter called her dad who didn't have a car and they proceeded to get my daughter's pants to school so her friend would have something to change into. Yay, middle schoolers with feelings :)

squishycat

@BoozinSusan I am so glad that I hit puberty at a time when wrapping your sweater/sweatshirt/distressed jean jacket around your waist was an "in" thing, because I bled fountains and no one taught me like, that I would have to change my pad every two hours or that, you know, if your underwear shifts or the adhesive goes wonky, you will bleed on not-the-pad. How much I do not miss furtively checking the chair every time I stood up to make sure I hadn't bled through (which I did, so many times).

Killer Kitties

Personal Nightmare become Reality Pie Chart: Getting period blood all over new boyfriend's boxers during a morning tumble then continuing to date him for 3 more years: 100 PERCENT.

fondue with cheddar

@Killer Kitties AAAHH JINX look at my comment below! He's not a new boyfriend though, yours is much worse.

TheRisottoRacket

@Killer Kitties Hah, I did that to my boyfriend when I first starting dating my boyfriend and he just laughed and said he needed to buy new boxers anyway and it was the weirdest swoon moment ever.

victorian rose

@Killer Kitties Period blood on new dude's ONLY sheet set; fear I won't be seeing his bedroom again. 100%

TheRisottoRacket

@TheRisottoRacket Words. Ugh.

fondue with cheddar

Last week I borrowed my boyfriend's underwear because I needed to do laundry, and I got period blood on it.

eiffeldesigns

This is why I've decided to just not have a period anymore. Seasonale for the win.

Seriously. I haven't had a period in about 18 months. It's WONDERFUL.

Killer Kitties

@Kirs samesies from my Implanon implant, the freedom is AMAZING.

sophia_h

@Kirs But how do you deal with pregnancy paranoia? That's why I've never been able to do that, I'd be taking a test every single month out of anxiety.

eiffeldesigns

@sophia_h I just put my trust in the pill. I'm also very vigilant about taking the pill every day at the same time.

I've had one scare in the last 18 months- but that was only because I was having weird pregnancy dreams and wanted strange foods. I got a test because the dreams were creepy realistic and the one and only other time I was pregnant I had the same creepy dreams. Test was a big ol' negative though. YAY.

Amphora

@Killer Kitties Same with the Mirena IUD. It's seriously cut down on my (formerly near-constant) anxiety about this.

MilesofMountains

@Amphora Same here, and it's even better because I still get a phantom bloodless period to assure me I'm not pregnant.

bitzyboozer

@MilesofMountains Wait. What's a phantom bloodless period?!

fruiting body

@Kirs Yep, that was my thought, "someone needs a Mirena!"

Amphora

@bitzyboozer One day of light spotting and a cramp or two.

MilesofMountains

@bitzyboozer I still get grumpy the day before like I always did, then the next day I'm a bit crampy and bloated and sometimes spot a little.

up cubed

@sophia_h Dollar store or Amazon is great for cheap tests.

eiffeldesigns

@bitzyboozer When I did take my birth control pills "correctly" I'd often get bloodless periods. I was freaking out during the first one and had a doctor's appt that week anyway so I asked her to do a pregnancy test. She said she'd do it, but it probably wasn't necessary and asked if I had any discharge. I said, um, yes. And she said that sometimes you don't discharge blood. I just discharged mucus (GROSS, I KNOW).

Roaring Girl

@Kirs If I had any musical talent at all I would be writing songs about how great my Implanon is. Periods are the WORST EVER.

MopRocks

@bitzyboozer Right?! That sounds terrifying!

pixieg

@Roaring Girl Just to contrast this love, I was on the Implanon for about two years, and I had a period almost the entire time. I don't mean every month; I mean every day.
I'm so disappointed because that was the ONLY side-effect I had from it, but it was a biggie so I got it taken out.

swirrlygrrl

TMI but I want to share: was making out with man in apartment with very dry winter air. His nose apparently starts to bleed at some point, which I don't notice until he stops kissing me, looks at me in a horrified manner and tells me I have blood all over my face. I laugh, get a wash cloth and clean it off - no biggie to me. He is quietly hyperventilation interspersed with profuse apologies. I reassure him it isn't a big deal, and he tells me he's never bled all over someone before while making out. I tell him that I have bled on guys not ocassionally during sexy times.

Fast forward to a few weeks later: I bleed on him a bit due to good times and bad timing. He does not freak out, nor do I.

lora.bee

@swirrlygrrl One time in high school my boyfriend & I were frantically making out on my bed, and I somehow managed to smash my face into his nose and it bled profusely.
Teenagers: SLOW DOWN.

dormilona

@lora.bee I had someone go down on me who then got a massively bloody nose. There was blood EVERYWHERE (somehow on my boob?). I think I was buzzed enough not to freak out about, and was more worried about his roommate seeing me running around a in towel, cleaning myself in their bathroom.

baked bean

@swirrlygrrl This actually happens to my bf a lot, the nosebleeds thing.

BattyRabbit

@swirrlygrrl The first time I had sex with one of my previous boyfriends he got a nosebleed halfway through, but he didn't say anything about it, and I didn't notice because we had the lights off, so it was only later when I turned on the light to find something that we realized I was ENTIRELY COVERED IN HIS BLOOD. I got him back when my period unexpectedly started as he was going down on me, though.

swirrlygrrl

@BattyRabbit I loooooove it!

Valley Girl

Once in high school homeroom the teacher had a period stain waaaaayy up high on the back of her jeans. I was too embarassed to say anything to her and I still feel like a huge asshole for it.

laurel

Hydrogen peroxide for blood stains, rubbing alcohol for ink.

themegnapkin

@laurel Oxyclean for blood stains!

laurel

@themegnapkin Same diff.

sophia_h

I have horrible colorless cotton underwear that is probably 15 years old at this point for the days leading up to and during period, because I haaaaaate getting stains on underwear I actually like. But then I also use pads so I need sturdy underwear to hold them. Basically once a month I am like an old lady from Eastern Europe.

talaria

@sophia_h I bought a set of utilitarian black underwear from Victoria's Secret because I thought that would make me feel at least a little better. But I really, really don't know if it does.

sophia_h

@talaria I've just decided to embrace being comfortable and unsexy for a week at a shot. Tampons make me sick and once you've already got on a giant pad because of heavy flow, cute underwear is just kind of an afterthought. But then I also have period sex without apology and my husband doesn't care, so I'm pretty much down the unsexy rabbit hole.

BattyRabbit

@sophia_h I have a pair of extremely old (probably 10 years at this point, wow) underpants that are also my go-to period undies, except they are bright yellow with smiley faces on them, and I've just decided to pretend they are a drawn-out art-project homage to the Watchmen cover. Thanks for helping me think of them this way.

YouCan'tBuyACarWithCookies

@sophia_h Oh god this is hilarious. I'm going to buy some yellow underpants and wear them while I re-read Watchmen next time I get my period.

Bittersweet

@sophia_h I was the old Eastern European lady in high school, when I had trouble using tampons. Unfortunately I was also a serious ballet dancer, so I could tell you all the ways that leotards and tights and giant maxi pads don't mix.

martinipie

I got virginity-loss blood (Idek man, I bled a fuckton, did anyone else?) on my friend's chair while we were watching Daria and eating chocolate as a consolation measure (the virginity loss did not end well and I ran to her dorm room). She was great about it and gave me a maxi pad. <3

hallelujah

@martinipie SO MUCH BLOOD. I ruined a dorm futon with that shit. Sorry, college!

fondue with cheddar

@hallelujah Wow, that sounds horrible! I didn't bleed at all when I lost my virginity, but I think I bled a tiny bit regularly over a period of several years before that, which scared the hell out of me.

Porn Peddler

@martinipie I didn't bleed a ton, but I did bleed the first SEVERAL times.

sarah girl

Ugh, this is a little too real right now.

pityslice

Period blood on the walls! I don't even know how it got there, I dropped high school physics and took art instead. Hmmm...

Shara

Cave paintings.

martinipie

Also, I am wearing white jeans today specifically and only because I finished my period four days ago and therefore have NO CHANCE of bleeding. Still concerned about sitting in something though.

parallel-lines

That nice warm happy feeling your feeling right now in your dreams is because you're PEEING THE BED!

A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Help me, Beyonce!

Verity

@parallel-lines On a related note, if you dream about going to the toilet, you might also be peeing the bed. Don't trust dreams.

MilesofMountains

@Verity I did that once as a kid. Now when I get up in the middle of the night to pee I worry that I'm not actually awake and am peeing the bed.

frigwiggin

@parallel-lines I definitely pee in dreams sometimes and wake up with anxiety that I'm going in real life. It happened to me once while I was camping with my family and I just had to sleep in the wet sleeping bag because I was embarrassed and didn't want to wake anybody up at 3am. (I was like nine.)

parallel-lines

@MilesofMountains It has maybe happened....to a friend of mine.

iceberg

@parallel-lines "Help me, Beyonce" = I just lost my SHIT at my desk.

Roaring Girl

@Verity I have peeing dreams all the time (a lot of dreams about giant flooded bathrooms with very little privacy, IDEK), and have yet to wet the bed during one. So yay me, I guess?

Pyxis

@Verity I have SO many dreams where I keep peeing, but can't get any relief! As soon as I'm done I need to find another toilet. And for some reason, each one keeps getting exponentially more gross. It's the worst dream to wake up to.

Better to Eat You With

@frigwiggin I found out, well into adulthood, that I wasn't a bed-wetter. My older sister and I shared a bed, and she peed on me regularly throughout my childhood, and thought it was funny to tell me a few years ago.

(This is evidently the post where I dump weird childhood stories about my sister, incl. one about her period above.)

Edited to add: This doesn't make much sense unless you know that our mattress had one of those plastic covers on it so the pee wouldn't soak in and she evidently had a huge bladder. I would wake up in a puddle, completely soaked and freezing, and think it was my own fault.

thebestjasmine

@MilesofMountains ME TOO, I HAVE THIS WORRY EVERY TIME. Sometimes I pinch myself, hah.

does it need saying

@Roaring Girl & @Pyxis Agh! Yes! What is it about the extreme lack of privacy. I also dream about going to the bathroom and it providing no relief at all, so just a stream (ha) of repetitive, no relief bathroom going in weird bathrooms with little to no privacy and they are occasionally completely flooded like waist high or so gross. I just don't even know.

districter

Nooooooooooo I am about to go off birth control and am terrified of what my 'real' period will be like and this is everything I am worried about. Why would I even click on this.

Verity

@districter My worst period was one when I was on the Pill, which I don't even understand. I got the prescription and was ready to start taking it on Day 1, as advised, but my period didn't turn up for three months. I was panicked enough to take a pregnancy test even though my boyfriend and I had not had sex at that point. Eventually I just gave up and started taking it. When I had the first seven-day break, I know it wasn't a real period, but it was the worst one of my life - the cramps made me throw up and lie in bed whimpering with pain, and it was immensely heavy. I stayed the night at a friend's and found myself waking up every four hours in terror of staining her sheets, as I could feel that I'd filled the pad. So, don't worry! Birth control periods can be *much* worse than real ones.

iceberg

@districter my post-quitting-birth-control period was pretty much like the birth-control periods except slightly less clockwork.

Post-giving-birth-to-triplets periods are like a fucking Niagara Falls of blood every goddamn month.

cuminafterall

I just finished reading a novel in which one of the characters defrauded Catholics all over Europe by using her menstrual blood to fake stigmata every month.

Amphora

@cuminafterall OMG WHAT BOOK

martinipie

@cuminafterall yeah wait DO TELL

cuminafterall

@Amphora Aiding and Abetting by Muriel Spark. Not her best, but it's a quick, entertaining read.

Amphora

@cuminafterall I wrote a paper in college about women faking stigmata during the Renaissance (yay liberal arts) and it's amazing how easily they got away with it! Although I guess we know that from the Awl's wonderful woman-gives-birth-to-bunnies story.

owlegg

@Amphora Oh man, I would love to read that paper. I'm super interested in stigmata, and have been for a weirdly long time. Like, to the point where I put that as one of my "interests/hobbies" on my dorm room assignment questionnaire. Unsurprisingly, they gave me a single room at the far end of the hall.

Urwelt

One time I incorrectly inserted a Softcup (after successfully using them several times! be ever vigilant!) and bled all the fuck over myself. At WORK. Thank god I was wearing black jeans and sitting on a black chair and had access to a private bathroom where I could take off my pants and wash them in the sink.

Anyway, I got a Mirena a month ago, so hopefully I won't have to worry about that sort of thing any more.

Valley Girl

@Urwelt I tried out the Instead cup in high school and once during PE we were fencing and I guess it wasn't inserted right because I had a catastrophic equipment failure. I've been too wary to try cups since!

Amphora

@Valley Girl Oh no, in one of those white fencing suits? (follow-up comment: fencing in PE sounds awesome!)

fondue with cheddar

@Urwelt My heaviest days are really insanely heavy and I can't empty the cup quickly enough, so it always overflows. I have to wear a pad as backup, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Urwelt

@fondue with cheddar That sucks! Have you tried a Divacup or similar? I can't go a whole day at the start of my period, but I'm usually okay with 3-4 hours. I do use a pantyliner just in case though. At least it never betrayed me on the scale of the Softcup.

Valley Girl

@Amphora YES but they snapped over our clothes thankfully so I was able to waddle over to the restroom with no one ever being the wiser.

fondue with cheddar

@Urwelt Yeah, sorry...I've never used a softcup; I've got a Lunette. And it's the larger size, too! My period is really heavy, and I didn't appreciate just how heavy until I got the cup and could actually measure it. As it turns out, for the first three days I basically bleed as much each day as the average woman bleeds throughout her entire period! At least now I feel better about having so many accidents.

Coal Tar Epoxy

@Urwelt I tried softcups during my last period and lived in fear of this the entire time. My coworkers probably thought I was crazy practically running to the bathroom every hour to check on things.

Scandyhoovian

I feel like there could be a corresponding "Ask a Clean Person" chart with fixes for each wedge.

My own horrendous period blood story: I was in second period biology my sophomore year of high school when my uterus began its year of terrorism (long story) and I bled so badly and so quickly into the seat that there was a smallish puddle in it when I got up at the end of the class (I hadn't really felt it happen) and in my mortification I tied a hoodie around my waist and then put my backpack on the puddle and let it sit there and absorb it all before I walked out behind everyone else in the class.

Dirty Hands

@Scandyhoovian D: you win.

rimy

In seventh grade got period unexpectedly and was too clueless to know how to handle it; it went down the back of my skirt and I told everyone it was ketchup from the cafeteria; neither parent would pick me up from school; nor did mom even tell me much about periods other than when I got my first one, cracked the bathroom door open, just enough to put a pad and an ibuprofen on the counter, then hastily retreated; blushed every time I asked about periods and muttered something or other pituitary gland; I made super-sure to be brashly forthright with my three little sisters about EVERYTHING they could expect from puberty and they all had much better middle school years than I did. :(

laurel

@rimy I nominate you for induction into the Big Sister Hall of Fame.

stonefruit

@laurel seconded.

themegnapkin

@rimy why are parents so weird about it? My mother had one super awkward conversation with me in the dark while she was driving me home from basketball practice, then pads mysteriously began turning up in the bathroom for me. That was it!!!

datalass

@themegnapkin My mother was exactly the same, even down to the dark car conversation. Now, I'm about the age she was then and I just can't wrap my head around how you get to be an adult woman and still be so freaked out about menstruation.

meohmy

This is all very Seventeen magazine Trauma-rama circa 1999.

meohmy

@meohmy Oh but also, I've just started using a Diva Cup and taking trapeze classes. I also recently birthed a baby and had a Paragard IUD installed. Heavier postpartum bleeding + much heavier IUD bleeding + wonky cup insertion = blood spilling EVERYWHERE as I hung on the bar in trapeze three weeks ago. Ugh.

fruiting body

@meohmy wait till the first time someone's spotting you on a new trapeze move and you rip a giant fart in front of the class... totally awesome (not awesome)

zamboni

@meohmy oh my God. that's so embarrassing, but also cool in a special effects kind of way.

Bittersweet

@meohmy I'm envisioning Quentin Tarantino somehow using this scene to great effect in his next gorefest.

frigwiggin

Guys? I dropped my menstrual cup in the toilet yesterday. After I'd already pooped. :( I washed it but it's at home waiting to be boiled (I had a family dinner last night and didn't have time) and I'm wearing a cloth pad today.

frigwiggin

@TheBourneApproximation I know! I literally groaned, "Oh nooooo" aloud to myself when it happened. Thank god our work bathrooms only have the one stall.

Jolly Farton

@frigwiggin I'm sorry I LOLed :(

owlegg

@frigwiggin That happened to me during a model UN conference once (nerrrrd alerrrrt). I washed it off and put it back in. Surprisingly, I did not get any kind of vaginal infection.

TheBourneApproximation

Ugh. Last time this happened to me, I was sleeping on a beautiful white (very white) futon in a tidy little ryokan in Kyoto.

The moment I got back to America, I scheduled my Mirena insertion.

talaria

Definitely got period blood on brand new boyfriend's shorts when we were gettin hot and heavy. Definitely almost died of embarrassment. Definitely still almost die of embarrassment thinking about it.

"Um, don't look down, okay? Just please take your pants off and never look at them ever again."

He actually took it with surprisingly good humor?

ColdFinger

I... uh... might have tried indignantly to convince a store clerk in the Bahamas that the bathing suit I was trying on had been stained by someone else - only to realize that of course I had just stained it myself. (Yes, obviously, I bought the suit.)

area@twitter

I feel a little left out because I don't have a period horror story. Yet. (Silver lining to being anemic through most of my high school/college years?)

ETA: Oh shit, wait, I take that back. @ColdFinger reminded me of an incident involving a pair of shorts in the Eddie Bauer dressing rooms. Thank God I was going to buy them anyway.

MsLady

Oh, man, I have two period horror stories.

1. I got my period very young, I think the summer before 5th grade? I was super embarrassed to have it so early and none of my friends had theirs yet, so I almost never changed pads during the school day. Well, one day it was just too heavy and started leaking through my pants and smeared all over the seat of my chair. The only fortunate thing was that I was wearing black pants and a long shirt, so you couldn't see it on me, but I kept scooting to the edge of my little plastic chair and looking back in horror at the blood smears on the seat and praying to god that nobody would see it before the end of the day, and panicking about how I would get it cleaned off. It was on a Friday, and Monday morning, my chair was totally cleaned off. I was eternally grateful to the teacher or janitor who did that.

2. When I first started dating my husband, he had just moved to a new town and was living with his sister while he looked for an apartment, and I got my period during one of the nights I spent with him and got blood all over the mattress in their guest room. My husband is a medical professional, so I wasn't worried about grossing him out, but I was worried about ruining his sister's bed, when I didn't even know her that well. We ended up cleaning it as well as we could and then flipping the mattress over. After he got his own place, his sister just gave the bed to him.

Ellie

@MsLady Your #1 scenario happened to me (I was wearing khaki pants, but I could tell and I tied my sweater around my waist before I got up, so avoided that issue). It was during a Latin quiz and I said I wasn't feeling well so I could go to the bathroom, where I hid until the end of the class and, fortunately, school day ten minutes later. When I got back my Latin teacher had cleaned off my chair. I am still so grateful. I subsequently became really good personal adult friends with her (which I still am) but I've never brought it up with her for some reason. I mean, the some reason is embarrassment! But I should thank her.

owlegg

@MsLady I had a situation similar to story #1 happen to me in grade eight, when I bled through my fleece bell-bottoms (whyyy did I even own a pair of those?!) onto my chair during lunch. I somehow noticed in time and was able to wipe the blood off by scooching my fleece-clad bum around the seat. I don't think anyone noticed?

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@owlegg When I saw the words "fleece bell-bottoms" I laughed SO hard. I'm sorry???

Snowy Owl Love Killer

@owlegg Totally had this happen to me in 8th grade. I also owned fleece bell-bottoms...

Hot Doom

@MsLady Ugh, it's like a cruel traumatic unfairness of nature how young it's possible for little girls to start their period. Didn't the gods realize how mortifying it is!? Just mean.

erindubitably

As someone who spent the latter half of my appointment at the bank today worried that I was leaving a stain on their nice office chair, I totally concur with this chart!

parallel-lines

Having to explain the stain on the bed to your friend's mom in the fifth grade (congrats, you're the first one and everyone's bugging/telling everyone else) and watching her call your dad and yell at him to come pick you up. Dad shows up, freaks out and asks you if you want to go on the pill.

Stacy Worst

@parallel-lines OMG no, what? I'm sorry.

Tuna Surprise

@parallel-lines
What?!!!? That's outrageous. Sisterhood should trump all in these situations.

talaria

@parallel-lines I had a very similar thing happen to me and I was also in the fifth grade! I don't even think I explained it to the mother. And it was a gargantuan monster of a stain, too, and I was miserable that I was the only girl who had to use the sanitary bins at my elementary school (that I knew of).

Ladies Who Punch

@parallel-lines Seriously though. How amazing is your dad that he wanted to help you regulate your periods/not get teen pregnant.

leylusha

@Ladies Who Punch
I realize I'm a day late on this, but the thing is that the narrator was in fifth grade at the time. While it is cool that her father didn't just coldly pretend it never happened, and is obviously cool with women taking body matters into their own hands, an 11-year-old should not have to make that decision as soon as she gets her period. I feel like if that were how that humiliating scenario would have played out for me, I would have gotten the message that menstruation is some sort of bad, unnatural thing that needs to be handled with medication. Hope that's far from the case in the OP's circumstances though!

parallel-lines

@leylusha Huh what? My dad was just a dude who was faced with some screaming lady at 7 am on a Saturday morning and wasn't ready to have "the talk" with his grade school daughter just yet (he had three daughters, I think by the time he reached #2 he got better at it). I never got the idea that menstruation was "bad", I just got the idea that my dad wished he had a woman nearby to help navigate the situation because he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do/say.

breccia

I think that it's more reasonable to ask HOW MANY humiliating period stories someone has. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. If you don't have a humiliating story then congratulations, how wonderful, etc, but let's be real, people.

cminor

I've bled through so many pairs of jeans it barely even phases me anymore. Sometimes my Divacup runneth over and I HATE wearing pads so I just deal by emptying more often.

cminor

@cminor The worst time I bled through my pjs I was probably 13, on a trip with my dad, a friend and the friends dad. We were fishing in the U.P. and staying in a hunting cabin with no running water or electricity. Clean up was awkward.

Stacy Worst

Weird, I had a YM-grade incident this week, right before a meeting, and that's all I'm gonna say.

zamboni

My own period blood/"period blood" story (not for germophobes):

I went home with this guy I'd had my eye on for a while and quickly discovered that his house full of dudes was completely out of toilet paper. A while after we had sex, I went to the bathroom and noticed that my period had started, which was awfully strange since I wasn't supposed to get it for two weeks, and I didn't have a tampon on me for that reason. I considered going into the kitchen to look for paper towels, but it was down a very steep set of stairs in pitch blackness in an unfamiliar house, and I'd probably wake up our drunk mutual friend passed out downstairs on the couch when this hookup needed to be on the DL at the time.

I pee a LOT after sex, and of course, I was also bleeding. At first I managed by going through their bathroom recycling and using all the bits of toilet paper they did not pull off the roll, but I ran out of that stuff by like 6am. Thus, I ended up resorting to toilet paper in the garbage that was previously used by him or his several male roommates for god knows what, interspersed with wide-eyed staring at bathroom wall (and lying in his bed with my legs squeezed together staring wide-eyed at bedroom wall). Luckily I am not a germophobe or, apparently, a person with standards. When he woke up, we started making out and he seemed to want to do more, which I would have been very into if not for the mysterious font of blood I was trying to hide.

On our way to brunch, I mentioned that I needed to stop by a convenience store or pharmacy. I was a little embarrassed when he followed me inside a tiny brick pharmacy, but figured that he would generally understand lady plumbing. Unfortunately, because I'd paid for our cab home the night before, I did not have enough money to pay the elderly eastern European woman at the register for their cheapest box of horrendous cardboard-applicator tampons, and it wasn't enough to put on debit. Dude I hooked up with was being paid at the time under the table in $50 bills, which he then offered the cashier, who didn't have enough change in the till to take it. I pointed out that I only needed forty cents, and we all stood around until he rummaged through his wallet and found the change.

I stopped bleeding a few days later and then got my real period at a normal time because it turned out the other "period" was just from his giant dick. Anyway, he eventually turned out to be an asshole, but he did handle that pretty well and even slept with me again after taking me on a nice date.

LADY BLEEDING.

insouciantlover

@zamboni Let's hear more about that giant dick.

zamboni

@insouciantlover HAHAHAHAHA I SAW THIS COMMENT WHILE EATING A BANANA.
Uh, it was very wide, and pretty long, and very good-looking for a penis, and if it was up to me, we would still be pals. (Actually, I am pretty sure I am technically still friends with his dick, it's not like I made an enemy out of it.) The second time we slept together I was all "So, that other bleeding turned out to not be my period, so let's reapply lube frequently" and he just said, "Yeeeeah, that's not the first time that's happened."

insouciantlover

@zamboni Mmmmm good story. I do like a good looking wide penis. Also? You made me realize that I, too, have a banana!

hellmouth

@zamboni OHGOD. As someone who has dealt with a similar situation by ripping page after page out of an old, wrinkled, toilet-side issue of Sports Illustrated over the course of a night in a TP-free, dude-filled house, I just...

I've never felt more perfectly womanly than I do right now.

zamboni

@hellmouth WHOA, SOUL SISTER. In real life, everyone has been like "that's weird and gross," so this is affirming for me too. That's some true problem-solving right there. I have often been thankful for dude bathroom magazines, but not for that reason. So did you hide them at the bottom of the garbage, or ...?

@insouciantlover A banana a day keeps the potassium-filled opportunity for dick jokes close at hand!

Alli525

@zamboni That has happened to me too, the thing with the bleeding-post-giant-dicking, except even though he's one of my best friends and we talk about everything, his biggest insecurity is how big his dick is. Apparently boys used to make fun of him in HS locker rooms or something, which makes no sense, so I think he'd have a nervous breakdown if I ever said anything. The first time we ever hooked up, he was mortified to tell me he needed a Magnum. (I was thrilled.) BOYS. THEY MAKE NO SENSE.

Porn Peddler

@Alli525 I am terrified of hooking up with a dude and finding a dick that is even slightly above average...

Jolly Farton

But really, who are the jerks who would make you feel bad for accidentally getting period blood on something, especially if it was during sexy times? This isn't Superbad, and he's not in high school anymore (I hope).

When it happened at my boyfriend's place - got blood on his sheets after sleeping over - he just said "no no you don't need to be sorry, why would you be sorry for that" to my repeated apologies. Which is how it should be! Ain't like I was aiming for it.

Jolly Farton

@lilly pilgrim Not that I don't feel bad about it! But still

fabel

@lilly pilgrim Right? I am getting a bit sad at the amount of embarrassment in these stories when it's just something like, "I accidentally bled on a dude/dude's mattress during sexy times." Like, okay! That happens sometimes! Don't be mortified!

Of course, I always apologize & feel bad for the stains, but I don't ever remember a guy making me feel ashamed or even feeling ashamed myself. Even as youngins.

leonstj

@fabel - I mean, isn't the whole point of dating to end up in situations that are going to require you to do a little sheet laundry?

meetapossum

@lilly pilgrim I dated a guy who always had hydrogen peroxide on hand because he would get injuries from sports all the time and bleed on his own sheets. He never minded a little bit of mine! Just poured the peroxide and moved on.

Porn Peddler

@meetapossum I taught my dude how to clean period blood with peroxide and cold water because he was aaaaaalways DTF. I fucking love watching him remove bloodstains (fuck, what is wrong with me)

rimy

Also I'm pretty sure there's one period spot on every set of sheets I own. My boyfriend does not find it disgusting or embarrassing though - he likes it when I'm comfortably all-natural or what have you. For instance, also does not care when I don't shave my legs for a few days and doesn't like it when I wear tons of makeup. I really like that about him. That being said, I try not to be too gross and do shave my legs/preempt periods when possible/usually wear a little makeup to work and so on, so.

rimy

@rimy Super TMI: He will also have sex with me even if I'm on my period, EVEN if it's like the bloodiest day and will pull my tampon out WITH HIS OWN HAND which oh my god that grossed me out at first really bad but now I think he is pretty much the manliest dude for not caring.

Ellie

@rimy Oh man. I am sure this is also super gross to you but I think that is so fucking hot and I really want it (I think with my current person he probably would if I told him I was into it). In the same vein I read some Maud Newton essay about a guy who would put in his girlfriend's tampons for her and have not stopped thinking about it since.

fondue with cheddar

@rimy That's awesome. My last boyfriend was so icked out by periods that I couldn't not even talk about it with him other than telling him when it started and stopped.

Hammitt

@fondue with cheddar

Mine has this weird middle line. He takes extreme interest in how I'm feeling about it (as opposed to thinking, like SO MANY DUDES WHO HAVE THOUGHT THIS ABOUT ME, that I am whining about nothing, he seems to think there's like a nuclear holocaust in my uterus, which is great in that he brings me things and is super nice but not great in that I feel somehow dimished by it) He even said in a text the other day in response to my bitching about cramps and saying "you may not want to know about this": "I always want to know about your cramps."

BUT he freaks OUT about having sex during it. In an interesting comment on your dude being the manliest, he also thinks that this says less of him as a man that he doesn't want to do it. I think he will consider it the ultimate vindication of his masculinity when he can finally balls up and have sex with me during my period.

A. Louise

@rimy wow. Merit badge to your boyfriend!

rimy

@Ellie That's not gross to me at all - I have definitely come to appreciate his intense intimacy and acceptance of my womanhood -- not that I did at first (see above for example of my puritan upbringing).

I had an ex who made me feel gross/ugly/unfeminine for having stubbly legs occasionally, and whose sense of disgust was visible on his face at the thought of my menstrual cycle - if you are with this guy, leave and then burn with fire, for real. I still shave my armpits and legs and so on but being a woman does not mean being a prepubescent, ultra-hygenic, hairless, perfectly coiffed and manicured, scentless, sweatless doll.

sophia_h

@rimy Having a partner who is totally "whatever" about period sex is THE BEST. I'm the one who worries about staining our bedding, he's all "eh." Ditto about whether I wear makeup or shave anywhere at all. I could probably chalk it up to him being European, but I was also the first girl he ever dated seriously so I think I just set his standards for female grooming very low.

Edited to say: and now that I'm pregnant (yet commenting on the period post because that feels more like my "real" life than this does) it is really nice to have someone to whom I can tell alllll the weird details, because he isn't squeamish about it.

fondue with cheddar

@sophia_h Yeah, whenever I worry about whether my boyfriend will be grossed out by something, he says, "I watched all four of my kids being born; I'm not grossed out by anything."

quamquam vivit

@Ellie ...it is the hottest thing and feels so good.

subtleknife

@rimy Because I was so busy chatting with him I didn't think about what I was doing, my ex once got an eyefull of me putting my tampon in. When I realised what I'd done, I slammed the bathroom door shut and felt incredibly humiliated. But the thought of current dudefriend pulling out a tampon? Weirdly hot.

(And he might actually do it. Our first time? We'd been flirting on and off for two years, I was home on Christmas break from a Peace Corps mission, and we'd set up a movie night for two. My period arrived earlier that day, and I was all 'damn, no chance before I go back now'. On his end, he'd just got the worst cold in the world and was a snot factory. Still, making out commenced approx. 5 minutes into the movie, rapidly got hot and heavy, and when I broke the kiss to tell him I was on my period, his reaction was basically '...so?'. At the end of the night, his sheets were in the washing machine, and two days later I went back to the Third World with my first ever STI - his monster cold. And we've continued our hot period sex ever since, across two continents and three countries.)

(ohmigod, can't believe my first comment at Hairpin is about sex involving blood and snot)

Porn Peddler

@subtleknife This is a perfect (adorable, romantic) first hairpin comment, just so you know.

Ellie

Wow, I never realized how lucky I am. Except for the incident I describe above when I was 13, I have never not ever dramatically bled through anything in am embarrassing fashion (I don't think I've even dramatically bled through anything in the privacy of my own bedroom). Is it weird that this has never happened to me? Am I due for it? I'm not an especially heavy bleeder and I use exclusively tampons (I don't even use liners). Once in a while I get a few spots of blood either when I stand up in the morning and don't realize I got my period, or extremely rarely when I am taking an extended break before putting the next tampon in, or when I'm at the gym, don't feel like putting a tampon in and know I'm going to get a little blood on my gym underwear, but this is always wash-out-able with minimal effort. I've also had period sex many times and never got blood on the sheets or anything. At this point I'm wondering if I can control it with my mind or something?! I also realize this sounds like a huge brag so sorry. I do have embarrassing moments but they typically involve my bicycle.

mannequinhands

@Ellie I think it's different for different people! I once dated a woman who would never wear underwear, and her period lasted like 2 days and she could use the regular tampons with no backup. Me, I have to wear the jumbo tampons and use a backup pad because I bleed like I've been stabbed. I was so jealous of her! I started using the Diva Cup and it helped, but that was really my first indication that some people just have super light periods and can get away with little/no protection.

chloelikedolivia

In high school, I once bled so much that I bled through a super-plus tampon, a giant maxipad *and* my costume for the play I was in the middle of a dress rehearsal for. It was super fun hiding out in the dressing room, desperately trying to wash the very obvious period stain out of a hot pink 80's cocktail dress.

Also, in retrospect, I should have seen a doctor about that.

Hammitt

Three favorite stories, none of them mine (mine are all like "oh shit, I bled on my boyfriend/bled through jeans/bled through a friends borrowed jeans, but we all have those and the ones mentioned above are universally more hilarious than mine.) I'm putting them in order with my favorite last, but I honestly don't know which is best. I don't know, vote?

1. My mother, a political organizer in the 60s and 70s goes to a SUPER FANCY house in the Chicago Northshore Suburbs where a fundraiser is being held. Sits on their designer white couch, talks to them about logistics. Realizes what is happening. Asks them if someone would mind getting her a glass of water. Waits for them to leave the room, flips over cushion, never speaks of it again.

2. My mother, during the phase where she dated this super fancy pan-European man (really! he's English but lives in France and has family in Ireland? Thank God they stayed friends, because he is the reason for all the best free vacations I have ever had.) She is, mind you, from Omaha and not exactly schooled in fancy European ways. He invites her to his grandmother's country estate in Ireland - for reals - and the grandmother is, as my mother describes her, essentially Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess in Downton. In the middle of the night my mother awakens in her fancy country home bed, and realizes she has bled ALL OVER the sheets. Horrified, she gets up, gathers them all, cleans up best as she can and runs into the hall. She sees a laundry shute and stuffs them down there. Flash forward to breakfast, with the whole family/house party. She quietly approaches the Grandmother, and whispers that she has something she'd like to talk about. Grandmother then says, very loudly, "Oh, we know, dear, your sheets came to the kitchen in the dumb waiter this morning."

3. My sister, being tested for her (I think) brown belt in Judo (I think Judo, I know nothing about marshal arts, but I know this was a BIG DEAL.) She is the only woman in the class of giant dudes, in fact, the only woman in the room, she is about 25. She gets up, gives her speech and spars with her instructor in front of a class of reverently watching men. She finishes, is awarded her belt, and her instructor says "you may wish to go home and change now if you'd like" which is when she realizes she has bled a 4 inch mark through her white uniform.

SarahP

@Hammitt I'm sure your sister still finds #3 to be a really embarrassing story, but all I can think is badass.

eiffeldesigns

@SarahP I love your mother. Personally #1 is my favorite.

Georgia

This takes me back...

I once bled on a dude's bed during a one-night-stand in university. skedaddled the fuck out of there in the morning D:

A. Louise

@Georgia I once hooked up with an ex in college a few months later and somehow when I woke up in the morning it looked like a small animal had been mauled. I was apologetic, but he was an ex and had dumped me so I didn't offer to do anything because it just kind of felt good to be like, I don't care. And being a college dude I think he just threw the sheets out instead of cleaning them and only had one set of sheets, so he just slept on his bare mattress from then on out.

I'm really glad we broke up now that I think about all of this.

Amphora

@Georgia Those guys hardly ever wash their sheets anyway.

Georgia

@A. Louise Way to say something! I woke up early, discovered the situation, and just left.

A. Louise

@Georgia to be fair we woke up at the same time so I didn't have much choice.. although calmly getting up, putting my clothes on, and leaving when he was also awake WOULD have been totally badass.

SarahP

I once mentioned "period underwear" when I was with a group of friends. It was mostly guys, one other women. A couple of the guys were like "ewwwww, what's that?!" And I explained, and turned to the other woman for some back-up, and she was looking at me with the most horrified face it is possible for a person to make without screaming or running out of the room because she had no idea what I was talking about and has apparently never bled on her underwear and found the concept of stained underwear disgusting.

I'm just glad to be with my people here, now.

iceberg

@SarahP OMG fuck her seriously.

no, dpon't, I'm sure she's nice or whatever, i'll just be over here in my used-to-be-black giant undies with tiny bits of frayed elastic poking out everywhere.

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP She's as full of shit as the dudes who claim they never jerk off.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@SarahP What! Nonsense. Even if you don't typically bleed on your underwear, you would definitely have pairs that you would wear during your period just in case something happened, right? Good for her that her uterus apparently expels, like, caramel or some delightful shit.

sophia_h

@SarahP Oh, I hate so much when you're trying to commiserate over some unpleasant aspect of Being a Woman and the other person does not have the same experience at all and acts like you're a gross freak. I don't even like it when I'm accidentally that person, because, for example, I am not terribly diligent about all the forms of body hair removal, and I have to be like "sorry, wax burns are not part of my life -- but I bet they suck!!"

Ladies Who Punch

@SarahP My husband likes to turn to me every so often & say "somewhere the Queen of England is pooping right now:" Everybody poops. Deal with it.

laurel

@Ladies Who Punch Probably either London or Scotland.

Verity

@laurel Or Windsor!

SarahP

It is so nice to be among my people.

@MoxyCrimeFighter Nah, even caramel would leave stains, right? Just simple syrup.

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP If that's the case. the joke's on her. Imagine the yeast infections she must get!

MoxyCrimeFighter

@fondue with cheddar Worst Twilight Zone episode ever: a lady secretes simple syrup and has people begging to go down on her, but she can never have sex because she always has a yeast infection.

fondue with cheddar

@MoxyCrimeFighter Yeast infection? Or treaclemoniasis?

SarahP

@fondue with cheddar Yeah I'm pretty sure I gave myself a yeast infection just writing that.

Miss Maszkerádi

I got my very first period on the very first day of summer camp when I was, like, ten. I spent that entire week sneaking off to the nurse's cabin for pads and sobbing hysterically in her arms as I lamented my now lost-forever childhood and how things were All Different Now and the looming spectre of mortality. (gah, the poor nurse, she was about 20 and incredibly sweet but i probably freaked her the hell out.)
On the bright side, it saved me what would have been the most horrifyingly awkward mom experience EVER.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Miss Maszkerádi I think the third or fourth time I got my period was when I was at summer camp and I didn't bring any pads. In my defense, I was super-new to the whole thing and my period was not even close to regular. I remember crying and going to the nurse and getting these absolutely MONSTROUSLY HUGE pads. I think I even spent the night in the nurse's station because I was crying too much because I was embarrassed and I wanted to go home??? WTF was wrong with me, I was like 13! But yeah, I feel your story. Also, I should now be retroactively mad at my mom for not making me bring pads to camp, right?? Maybe that's why whenever I go anywhere overnight I tuck two pads and a tampon into my bag JUST IN CASE.

fondue with cheddar

When I first got my period the summer before 8th grade, I was going on a picnic at a lake. My mom bought me tampons to use (Tampax, because I guess she figured her OBs would be too difficult for me to handle as a newbie). I put one in and it didn't feel right, so I pulled it out and tried another one. Later I realized the tampon was sticking partway out and I didn't have another rone, so I stayed in the lake until it was time to go home. I wrapped my (mostly white) towel around me in hopes that nobody would see, and wouldn't you know I got to sit next to the boy I had the hugest crush on in the car. My towel was soaked through with lakewater-diluted blood by the time I got up. MORTIFIED.

does it need saying

@fondue with cheddar tangentially related. I just found out my sister in law had tried tampons, but they hurt really badly. Did you know it is possible to put them into your urethra? Yeah, me either, until we figured out that that is what she had been doing 8-|

fondue with cheddar

@does it need saying AAAAHHHHNOOOOO That just might be more disturbing than the rhinestone fingernail incident.

does it need saying

@fondue with cheddar Sorry. I should have put a warning on that. It makes me horror-kegel myself.

charmcity

Right now, it's "NOT getting my period: 110%" #adaylateandadollarfreakingout

fondue with cheddar

@charmcity DID YOU GET IT?

charmcity

@fondue with cheddar NOOOOOOOOO. But I have taken two pregnancy tests (a week apart) and both were negative. I skip a period once a year or so for no apparent reason, anyway. So I am no longer freaking out, I guess? But still a little. Blah, uterus. Thank you for checking in, because I haven't told anyone IRL!!!

fondue with cheddar

@charmcity It sounds like you're probably okay, then. But still, I hope you get the next one on time so you don't have to worry anymore! Do your job, uterus! Wait...don't do your MAIN job, just do your...busy work?

charmcity

@fondue with cheddar The concept of uterine busy work is tops. Hoping she/it is just on spring break.

fondue with cheddar

@charmcity Hopefully your uterus won't be binge drinking and puking all week.

sayitaintso

I got my period in 6th grade wearing white bellbottom Silver jeans. Just to clarify, this was in 1999, not 1979.

anachronistique

Bled through my giant pad, underwear and (very pale blue) shorts to form a puddle on a chair at the local rec center while rehearsing for a play with my crush present.

I DON'T MISS MIDDLE SCHOOL AT ALL.

sayitaintso

@anachronistique I don't know why but this reminds me of the gym scene in the movie Saved. "Hey, Hilary Faye, I can see your pad."

owlegg

@sayitaintso "I can see a little bit of it, right-"

I watched Saved again recently while working on a giant pinata and realized that I still know alllll the dialogue by heart.

sayitaintso

@owlegg Me too. I love Patrick Fugit and his overall adorableness.

anachronistique

@sayitaintso This actually makes me feel better, because that movie is the best. Maybe I'll put that on tonight.

piekin

Once I dripped period blood on the bathroom floor at my high school boyfriend's house that I somehow failed to notice and his asshole brother found it and acted super disgusted and offended UGH FIFTEEN.

brista128

The Lady Cup is awesome. Ever since getting one, my insecurity pie is pretty much just a tartlet of passing concern.

insouciantlover

I posted a story above, but then I realized that I could post dozens of stories about the Things I've Bled Through. I used to not be able to sit through a 45 minute class on heavy flow days. I've bled on (not my) sheets when I suddenly got my period while having a one night stand, I've bled onto bus seats during just an hour long bus ride, and the layers I've bled through are just ridiculous... tampon, overnight pad, underwear, jeans, sweatshirt, towel, socks (whatever sometimes it seems like a good idea to stuff a sock in there too WHAT THE HELL ELSE) and I have, on more than one occasion, considered ordering adult diapers online just so I don't FUCKING BLEED ON EVERYTHING. What could have been the worst was the time when I met a friend and his mom at a bus station and let them stay with me in my tiny European apartment, then sat up with them in my tiny cold kitchen talking and drinking well into the night and then standing up and hearing a "splat" and realizing that a HUGE globule of blood had escaped and since I was wearing a skirt, it had landed smack dab in between my feet on the floor, leaving no mystery as to where it came from. Friend's mom looked down, saw it, and looked up at me, and I met her eyes and gave her this "yeah, and what?" look and she didn't say anything. Granted, with a 2 gallon water heater my standards of hygiene had been seriously altered, but holy hell that could have been humiliating.

Anyway, I have a Mirena IUD now and these days are behind me. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT THE FIRST TIME I GOT A MIRENA IUD AND SO SHOULD YOU. *steps off bloody soapbox*

franceschances

@insouciantlover I ALSO HAVE A MIRENA AND NOW MY CRAMPS DON'T MAKE ME VOMIT!

insouciantlover

@franceschances I just got my period a few minutes ago and I didn't have crippling pain in my hips and lower back for the past three days to warn me! Nbd though because it's the lightest flow that ever spotted! MIRENAAAAAA!

adriana

@insouciantlover Me too me too! Even though now I get worse stabbing cramps that before, my periods are so so so light and yay no longer having to remember to take pills, MIRENAAA!

I smell burnt toast

"is at home in a pair of black leggings eating a Ritter Sport" is my life. MY LIFE. The Praline one??! I eat at least 2 a week.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@I smell burnt toast The chocolate mousse one is my favorite, but it's super hard to find (where I live anyway). When I visited Berlin I went to the RITTER SPORT STORE!!!!!!!!!!! and everything was Ritter Sport and nothing hurt and all the candy was cheap (cheaper than in the US) and they had these limited flavors that were really good (Bourbon Vanilla was amaaaaaazing).

Faintly Macabre

@Katzen-party WHAT. I didn't know there was a Ritter Sport store in Berlin! I was there for a few days last fall and I would have bought everything. I did buy about 10 of them at a supermarket, though, and was in heaven at how cheap they were.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Faintly Macabre There IS! And they even have this bar where you can have them make you a Ritter Sport bar to your exact specifications. I really regret that I didn't do that, but as soon as I thought about actually doing it, a bunch of people came in and the line for it got kind of insane.

drunkennoodle

So many!

Once playing scrabble with my best friend's husband after said best friend had gone to bed early, I bled all over their white kitchen chairs and then acted really weird by trying to wipe it off while I was still sitting on it. He was all "what are you doing down there??" and I was pretty much like "Do not look at me right now."

And then another bleeding all over relatively new boy's bed to the point that it looked like a total crime scene with red handprints everywhere and made even more embarrassing by him having previously been whispering things about how turned he was that I was so wet...sorry buddy! Thankfully he was cool about it, I honestly judge dudes who aren't. Sex is all about bodily fluids getting everywhere!

insouciantlover

@drunkennoodle omg you just reminded me of bloody hand prints on the wall from sexing doggy style... ahhhh I had to paint over them the next weekend.

ifsolitude

5th grade. It was my third or fourth period, and I was taking a ballet class. The outline of my pad showed through my leotard, and I was nowhere near being ready to tackle a tampon, so I went "commando," hoping that I could make it through the hourlong class without (visibly) bleeding through my black leotard and onto my white tights. Near the end of the class, I could see blood seeping down onto the very tops of my inner thighs, but it wasn't visible to anyone else. Then the teacher announces we'll be trying on costumes for the upcoming recital, in which I was cast as a swan. I was too embarrassed to tell her, or anyone, what was going on so I tried on the costume, I guess hoping my vagina would magically stop bleeding. Bright, red stains all over the white, feathered swan leotard, and I had to explain to the teacher, my friend, and my friend's mom, who was picking me up.

It was like a terrible metaphor for the end of my innocence.

Ladies Who Punch

The video that we had to watch about getting our periods was of these two girls. One slept over the other's house & happen to get her period. The non-period girl's mom took the time to explain what was going on & she just happend to have pancake batter on her. SHE MADE FALLOPIAN TUBES & A UTERUS OUT OF PANCAKE BATTER!!!!

Now every time I make pancakes I have this moment of "maybe I should make lady parts".

This memory has stayed with me forever but I sadly have no proof of it.

Lady Pennyface

@Ladies Who Punch AHHH I logged in just to say that I watched this too, in 5th grade! Sometimes I think I made it up but glad that someone else across the internet remembers this.

Ladies Who Punch

@Lady Pennyface This makes me really happy that someone else remembers this too! Do you feel the need to make Uterus pancakes too?

Also, I would LOVE a youtube link if anyone ever spots one. Ah, memories.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Ladies Who Punch Fallopian tubes and a uterus out of pancake batter? That is BALLER.

Also, (breakfast for) dinner idea!

BattyRabbit

@Ladies Who Punch I remember this video!!!! We watched it in late elementary school, then in high school would speak ominously of 'the pancake video' in front of the boys, and let them imagine how bizarre girl-specific sex-ed must have been.

knockout

@Ladies Who Punch Oh my goodness! We too watched this video and I love to bring it up in conversation. I also remember that the slumber party consisted of them trying on hats a la Blossom. How did the mom got the uterus/ Fallopian tubes/ ovaries so perfectly shaped? I tried to do it recently and it ended up looking like Mickey Mouse.

DandelionTacy

@Ladies Who Punch Ha! I wish I had seen that video, but ours was pretty awesome, it had the Broadway and movie casts of Annie. It was amazing!

Ladies Who Punch

@DandelionTacy Pretty please tell me they sang "My Period Will Come, Tomorrow! Betcha Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow, The'll Be Blood!"

Lady Pennyface

OK after a Google search on "period pancake fallopian," the person who wrote this defunct blog thinks that it was called "I Got It!" and was put out by Proctor and Gamble - which makes sense to me because it's based in Cincinnati and I grew up in SW Ohio. No luck searching YouTube so far. Come on, someone HAS to have uploaded this!

BattyRabbit

@Lady Pennyface
I've found it on WorldCat - there are two (2) libraries that have it on VHS: http://www.worldcat.org/title/i-got-it/oclc/27655382&referer=brief_results
Somebody ILL that shit.

laurag

Surely I'm not the only one who is surprised that having to change a menstrual product in a pitch-black porta-potty while tripping didn't make this list. I think of that as a quintessential menstrual nightmare.

Blackwatch Plaid

@laurag Oof, I had to change a tampon while tripping once. It wasn't in a port-a-potty, but it was in a stranger's house, while wearing borrowed clothes. Good times.

planforamiracle

@laurag Oh god. Emptying my diva cup in a cramped dark outhouse in the middle of the woods is one of the most terrifying things ever. don't drop it don't drop it don't drop it.

ETA: extra annoying that it's so terrifying, because other than that one thing, diva cup is AWESOME for bleeding whilst camping.

itiresias

@laurag Slightly ruined more than one music festival in my past. I haven't even been to many.

itiresias

@laurag Slightly ruined more than one music festival in my past. I haven't even been to that many.

drunkennoodle

ALSO, when I was studying abroad in London I messed up my birth control and basically had a phantom period that would come and go for about a month with no predictability. After bleeding all over this English dude's bed, he was like "why didn't you just tell me you had it??" and I ran away in terror. The next time I saw him I apologized for "my bodily functions" (I was 20, and much more prone to humiliation, less this is what bodies do, c'est la vie) and he said "you think I give a bloody damn?" I really enjoyed that wordplay.

milominderbender

It was the hottest thing when I told my conference hook-up (in a hotel room) "this isn't great timing... the sheets will never be the same again" and his response was "*shrug* they're not my sheets." It was the most not hot thing when we woke up in the morning and the bed looked like a crime scene.

Snowy

I am on the first day of my period right now and this is making me paranoid as fuck.

jamielee

In junior high one of my friends got a ride home with the most popular girl in our class: their moms arranged it because they lived near each other. And the popular girl's older sister was driving, because she had just gotten her license. This was a big deal for our entire little (nerdy, quiet) circle of friends. And yes, she totally got period blood on the popular girl's older sister's brand-new leather seats. In seventh grade. LIFE RUINING. She didn't know what to do, so she just got out of the car quickly without saying anything? And then the popular girl/her sister never mentioned it, which in retrospect was very cool of her. My friend was obviously still mortified. I completely forgot about this story until the pie chart.

hoo:ha

I was vacationing in Egypt a couple of years ago, in Dahab, which is near Sharm el Sheikh, which is where a shark happened to be killing two tourists that week! I was not reading the paper, and my boyfriend made our dive shop promise not to say anything to me so I would keep diving. I was also on my period. Just bleeding happily out into the Red Sea, tempting the tourist eating shark my way. When I found out... there were WORDS.

Cat Jail

Getting a call from your high school boyfriend telling you that his dog found your used pad in the trash and shredded it all over his bed in a fit of blood-crazed ecstacy.

Dogs, why are you the way you are.

Faintly Macabre

@Cat Jail Last summer, I agreed to dogsit a relative's wonderful but typically crazed Jack Russel. We talked for a while before she left my house, at which point I went upstairs to find that the dog had gone into our upstairs bathroom, pulled one of my used pads out of the trash, shredded it, and PEED all over it and our white bathroom rug, thereby getting a pee-blood mixture everywhere.

Luckily, she and I are close enough that I could mention it without awkwardness. She then told me that she once took him to a very demure/prim friend's house and he'd disappeared and then come back proudly carrying one of the friend's used pads. Her friend was mortified.

DOGS.

zamboni

@Cat Jail In highschool, one of our dogs would actually eat the crotch out of my as-yet-unwashed underwear that had period blood in it. She'd often bring it to someone afterwards, apparently under the impression it was a very helpful thing to do.

itiresias

@zamboni I love that.

We fostered shelter dogs in college. I had one roommate super bent on "saving the environment" and she refused to flush her used tampons. Every, single, dog, would dig them out of the trash and usually bring them to people. And we'd all yell, and she'd yell about water contamination, and we'd all get bloody tampons at our feet.

Does Axl have a jack?

My desk chair at work. Last year.

MaddieHayes

how can pie charts know me so well?

H.R. Vixen

Period blood, down my leg, while modelling nude for an art class.

pixieg

@H.R. Vixen I MUST KNOW MORE.

weetzie

Oh my god. The friend's couch thing happened to me. They were having a barbeque - I pretended it was ketchup, not because these particular friends would have been that judgmental about it, but because I couldn't bring myself to say "HEY SORRY I JUST BLED ON YOUR COUCH".

CopperOwl

woke up just knowing that when I stood up I would gush blood everywhere - grabbed a towel that was hanging on the footrail of my brass bed, slapped it between my legs and dashed downstairs to the bathroom only to find when I flipped on the light that my "towel" was actually my husbands favorite sweater.

Edmon

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Edmon

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