Thursday, April 4, 2013


On the "Facebook Phone"

You need to text your friend that you will be late to dinner. You pull your Android device from your pocket. You place your thumb on your face and unlock the phone. You see that your friend Elaine just had a babymoon. You wonder what a "babymoon" is. You scroll through the photos and realize that a "babymoon" is a very easy concept to figure out. You decide that you don't care about Elaine's new baby. You think about how much you hate the name Elaine chose for her new baby. You wonder how much they spent on their "babymoon" and think about how much your health insurance would be if you had a baby. You close the album. You see that Joseph just got a new job. You hated Joseph in college. You "Like" his change of employment. You see that dog you like. You wish you were petting that dog. You think about how lovely it would be to own a dog. You realize that owning a dog is not a possibility at the moment. You look up at the sky. You think thoughts you'd never reveal to anyone, not even your closest friend. You take a photo of the sky and make it your cover photo. You see people "Like" it immediately. You wonder what all of them are doing on their phones on a night like this. You see it's your coworker's birthday. You do not write on her wall. You look at your phone and see that it is now midnight. You missed dinner.

Welcome to Facebook Home.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

Noelle O'Donnell

Why would anyone want to be even further immersed in this hellscape of oversharing?!?! ahhhhhhhh.


Awesome! Really nice@v

Valley Girl

I canNOT figure out how to block specifics apps from my FB feed lately and it's killing me. I don't want to see everybody's damn workout humblebrags go AWAY i hate you

fondue with cheddar

Facebook Home, pssh. When are they going to make Google Home so I can use search queries to find all my shit?


Why... why is this. Why is this a thing. Why?


Perhaps I am dense but ... what IS a babymoon?


@alicia I think it's a trip you take before your baby comes, since it's the last time you can do that for a while or something? I hate that I even vaguely know what it is.

Miss Maszkerádi

@KeLynn I sort of imagined it was a trip that the new mom and baby took, some sort of magical earth mother goddess bonding experience to an exotic, healing mystical place like Stonehenge or Hawaii. Because it's never too early to start enriching your child's experience! (Wouldn't want them to fall behind!)


@Countess Maritza heh, I imagined it was one of those ultrasounds where the baby will stubbornly only show its butt.

Miss Maszkerádi

@FloraPosteHaste Oooh did you guys ever see "Call the Midwife" on the BBC (or PBS here I guess) last year? I still crack up at this one moment where this very posh, very awkward upper-crust midwife stammered "Ma'am, this procedure will be difficult, because your baby is presenting in the breech position..."
(strong Cockney accent) "' "e's doin bloody what now?"
Awkward posh: "um...he's coming out arse-first."

Ragged But Right

@alicia Oh man, babymoon photos are the worst set of ever. They usually appear when you're at your desk hungover, on the snowsleetiest day of the year. One picture of a woman in a bikini arse-deep in a turquoise sea taken from a bright white beach, one picture of two sets of feet looking over the fucking sea (one load of toes neatly manicured), one pic of two cocktails with the tagline "Virgin daiquiris, in case you were wondering!" (you were NOT), one pic of some sheepish looking dude in a white robe on a balcony, one pic of a flower in the sun, one pic of a naked heavily pregnant belly, double-selfie of people wearing sunglasses in which you can literally see reflected all the things you will never have and never be. I don't begrudge anyone anything! Except when I am work and they are not.


@Ragged But Right I have never heard of or been subjected to a "babymoon" but your description makes me very happy about that.


@Ragged But Right Oh my god, thank you so much. I can imagine it perfectly and I have never been gladder that I am just young enough for my friends not to be having children yet.

cashmere velvet candy cane

This is my nightmare. I'm gonna throw away my phone, Nick Miller style.


I wonder if this thing will do what my phone does -- I let it sync up all the contacts from my FB and then I manually entered phone numbers, and then when my friend deleted her FB account I lost all her contact information. DMV dumb dumb.


I like you, Bobby Finger.


An ad for it showed up in my Facebook feed and I marked it as spam.


I don't own a smart phone, therefore no facebook. Did I spell therefore correctly? I better google it.

Danny + cash advance loans

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