Quantcast

Friday, April 26, 2013

220

Good Boyfriend, Bad Boyfriend: The Game

HOW TO PLAY GOOD BOYFRIEND, BAD BOYFRIEND

PHASE ONE

Good Boyfriend/Bad Boyfriend is a fun new game I invented today that can provide you with hours of amusement — hours that would otherwise be spent doing dumb crud like work or socializing. There are two obvious facts you need to know in order to play:

1. In romantic comedies, the female protagonist often starts out with a BF who's a grade-A bozo and who eventually leaves him for a man who is hotter/cooler/purer of heart.

2. Some male actors have been in more than one movie over the course of their careers.

These facts lead us to the natural conclusion that there are male actors who have played both the Good Boyfriend at the End of the Movie and the Bad Boyfriend at the Beginning of the Movie. Phase One of Good Boyfriend/Bad Boyfriend is all about imagining that these two characters are one and the same.

For example!

In 27 Dresses, James Marsden is a babely wedding photographer who helps Katherine Heigl stop being such a whiny pushover by dancing on a bar with her in the rain (shut up, I only watched this movie because it was on TV one time and I was bored or whatever. I definitely didn't search several websites for an illegal stream of it and watch it while eating a whole bag of Rolos, slowly unwrapping one after the other so the crinkling of the wrappers wouldn't make me miss any of the awful dialogue in this horrendous movie). He's a great boyfriend.

But then in X-Men, the very same James Marsden is a toolish dweeb whose big power is that he has to wear dorky sunglasses all the time. Oh, why are you so jealous, Scott? There's no way Dr. Jean Grey is gonna ditch you for a fucking BAD BOY NAMED LOGAN who is SENSITIVE and gets in CAGE FIGHTS and has ADAMANTIUM CLAWS. OH JUST KIDDING SHE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT IS. 

(By the way, I know the X-Men movies aren't strictly speaking "romantic comedies." There's also some boring comic book junk about a plastic prison and exploding jets and whatever who cares, just give us more of the Jean Grey-Cyclops-Logan-Rogue-Iceman love pentagon already! God, I would totally watch a teen drama set in the Xavier Institute.)

So how did sexy photographer Kevin morph into stuffy nerd Cyclops? My theory: after a couple months of Katherine Heigl forcing him to take cute daily pictures of her in bridesmaid dresses for her fashion blog, he couldn't take it anymore and jammed a camera wire into his own eye sockets. The electricity in the live wire reacted with his eyes [? I dunno, science works in mysterious ways, okay? Get off my back] and gave him his Cyclops powers. He ran away from home and fell in with the rest of the X-men where he posed as a mutant-from-birth to fit in. However, the paranoia of worrying that the rest of the X-men will discover his secret sordid wedding-photography past causes him to overcompensate with bossiness and jealousy towards Jean. THE END!

Of course, your theory may be different. Therein lies the fun of this awesome game.

***

PHASE TWO

In Phase Two, we consider all female protagonists as one woman (because, really, with the amount of character development they get, they might as well be) with a string of boyfriends who seem like they might be nice guys but then turn out to be consistently terrible.

Example: In Baby Mama, Tina Fey gets over her Bad (Ex-)Boyfriend Will Forte by gettin' under Greg Kinnear, who's like this cool hunky man-of-the-people small business owner who loves making puns about fruit. Basically the dream.

But then in awful-movie-that-was-inexplicably-constantly-on-TV-during-the-years-from-2002-to-2010 Someone Like You, Greg Kinner is a tiny little weenie-man who cheats on Ashley Judd with her boss Ellen Barkin. Which is absurd, because Ashley Judd is a babe and Ellen Barkin like, swans around smugly wearing Greg Kinnear's giant button-downs and being insufferable for the whole movie. Ugh, she's exhausting.

Luckily, Ashley finds love in the arms of womanizer-with-a-heart-of-gold Hugh Jackman and wow I didn't realize until right now that I had such a thing for Hugh Jackman, but he's coming up an awful lot in this game and I might have to spend some time in Google Images considering this.

Eh, I dunno. I'll bookmark those pics for later and think about it. But so anyway, then Hugh Jackman is a terrible British cad in Scoop who actually turns out to — spoiler alert — be sort of a serial killer. You can't get much worse than that, boyfriend-wise.

So by this point, our Fey-Judd-Johannson-Everywoman has gotten over one guy who dumped her for being too into her career by dating a second guy who cheated on her with her boss, and then left HIM for a guy who tried to drown her. To death. As in murder. What is it they say about every relationship being a learning experience for the next relationship? Because this imaginary lady we invented for purely schadenfreude-y reasons is clearly learning nothing. C’mon, imaginary lady. Get it together. We just want to see you happy.

***

PHASE THREE

Finally, we have come to Phase Three (expert players only), in which you try to see how long a chain of bad relationships you can create. Ahem:

In Footloose, Kevin Bacon is the big city slicker who wants to tell Lori Singer how beautiful she is and take her dancing, so she ditches her abusive boyfriend (who, WTF, has the nerve to call Kevin Bacon a "pansy" for wearing a necktie? Idiot. Neckties are sexy, dummy).

But Kevin Bacon turns into a major Bad Boyfriend slimeball in Picture Perfect, which was a horrible movie that I hope no one else has seen, for their sake. HE gets usurped by Good Boyfriend Jay Mohr, who I personally think is a little blah, but hey, they can't all be Jackman, y'know? [Unsubtle wink that turns into eye twitch.]

Then in Jerry Maguire, Jay Mohr is fine okay not TECHNICALLY Renee Zellweger's boyfriend but I would argue that he occupies the same spiritual and emotional role in the film as her Douche Coworker. She leaves behind his smarmy brand of corporate bullshit in favor of Good Boyfriend Tom Cruise.

Who himself turns out to be a Douche Coworker in Tropic Thunder! And sure okay there isn't even really a girl character in Tropic Thunder BUT IF THERE WERE (oh God this game is falling apart but let’s just keep moving), she would absolutely dump Tom Cruise for the pure of heart protagonist Ben Stiller.

Then Ben Stiller is a Bad Boyfriend in Reality Bites, whereas Ethan Hawke is a sarcastic poetry-reciting grungy greasy-hair-having Good Boyfriend.

And Ethan Hawke has never played a Bad Boyfriend because he is perfect.

PHEW. We did it. A FIVE-FILM Good Boyfriend/Bad Boyfriend chain (with only two cheats, which we've previously established can be excused by the Douche Coworker corollary). Now that you know the rules, I challenge you to join the fray of this honorable game. If anyone can think of a longer chain, I will punish myself by watching the horrible romantic comedy of your choosing.

Although to be totally honest, I'll probably watch it either way.

Hallie Cantor writes for CollegeHumor and her blog and Twitter, and she really doesn't like Hugh Jackman as much as it sounds like she does, she promises.



220 Comments / Post A Comment

parallel-lines

Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: BONEZONE!

Hugh Jackman in general and in everything else: you're such a good friend, let's not ruin that.

Ethan Hawke is the epitome of worst boyfriend ever: the dude you dated in college who needed to rub it in your face that he was smart. He constantly reeked of cigarettes, never had a dollar to his name, wore filthy clothing and never had sheets on his bed and was condescending as all fucking get out. You dump him for a rower with a huge cock who does laundry on the reg.

iceberg

@parallel-lines yessssss Wolverine aka Mommy's favorite X-Man

parallel-lines

@iceberg I suspect we have the same taste in dudes: strong, burly, can carry you to safety, good hair, will defend you from your enemies. I like the cut of your jib.

I don't know why I'm so attracted to dudes who will protect me from things with their big burly man strength. I'm 5'8, definitely not some delicate flower and it's not like I'm camping alone in the woods.

alliepants

@parallel-lines I used to think I was less evolved or something bc I had the same preference... then I realized that guys who are athletes/athletic are just generally better-adjusted and less crazy than others. Basically, regular exercise and relatively low levels of vanity (burly = no diets) FTW.

Of course, then I realized that "burly" can also mean "used to be fat and is TOTALLY INSECURE and takes it out on you," or "has a lot of facial hair but is really just kind of soft and doesn't understand the fact that you like to be outside sometimes."

Okay so, the moral of the story is, I have instated an athletic-dude-only policy, burly or not.

breccia

@parallel-lines i just choked on my lunch

gonna use BONEZONE in a sentence at least once a day forever

sceps yarx

@parallel-lines When I first saw Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, I realized I was no longer a girl--I was a woman.
I still like girlie boys, but sometimes my ovaries have a different perspective, and I respect their opinions.

stavros

Thanks for the share!@m

TheUnchosenOne

Ethan Hawke played kind of a bad husband in Before Sunset tho.

wee_ramekin

@TheUnchosenOne Plus, now that we're no longer teenagers, I think we can all actually agree that Ethan Hawke is the bad boyfriend in Reality Bites.

I mean, fuuuuuck. There is no way on earth Troy makes a good boyfriend for anyone, ever. Fast-forward 6 months, and Leilana's all answering the phone "Welcome to the winter of our discontent" and sobbing. Amirite, people? Yes. I am rite.

parallel-lines

@wee_ramekin Ethan Hawke, the dude who married the nanny after cheating on Uma Thurman (?!??!). Professional greasebag.

alpelican

@TheUnchosenOne Also a sad, kinda bad boyfriend in Snow Falling On Cedars! But then, spoiler alert, he becomes the greatest kindest ex boyfriend ever.

Smallison

@wee_ramekin Totally the bad boyfriend! Ben Stiller might have been a clueless yuppie, but he wasn't a bad boyfriend.

Mad Dog

@wee_ramekin I just came here to say that. Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites is actually The Complete Worst. There is no way we end with him as the ultimate Good Boyfriend. I demand a second instalment!

I find that Reality Bites is the opposite of wine and cheese - it actually gets WORSE with (my increasing) age.

Lily Rowan

@wee_ramekin UR RITE

teaandcakeordeath

@wee_ramekin
The way he passive aggressively drawls "Im sensing vibes of the just been fucked variety" still gives me the icks.
Yes the girl youre not dating boned someone else. Dont be a jackass, Ethan.

parallel-lines

@Mad Dog Under 21 years old: he's so hot, and smart! He makes literary references and smokes unfiltered cigarettes!

Over 21: ugh, Winona what is wrong with you?! Go out with the dude with a job who can buy you dinner and doesn't treat you like garbage. Also, put on a bra okay?

wee_ramekin

@all I mean, to be clear, I'm not saying she should have stuck with Ben Stiller. The dude sold out her footage/dreams, and he was the reason Cliff's Notes were invented (at least, according to Troy).

I'm just saying that while neither one of those dudes was a good boyfriend for her, Ethan Hawke CERTAINLY wasn't the right choice. This is the part when she's supposed to realize that being single is infinitely better than being partnered to either of them.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin Then again, I guess we all have to have the Learning Experience™ that is dating a Troy.

parallel-lines

@wee_ramekin Or several of them (I am a slow learner)

lizardjellybean

@TheUnchosenOne Also, he played Hamlet once, in a movie, who's like the Tippity-top of the list of bad boyfriends- but Ophelia's alternative dude was...a river...soooo...

PaprikaPants

@wee_ramekin There is a term for Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites and I believe that term is "best/worst"

proudsquarepeg

@wee_ramekin dating a Troy really does mess with your world view in the best of ways though. Definitely thought college-me could be a kickass Leliana with all the romantic thoughts (you, me and $5!)... but then I just ended up going 'OH. OH NO, DO NOT WANT' by the end of four months of guitar playing, self-involved philosophical discussions in which I was never right (I was totally right, douchenozzle). THE WORST.

fondue with cheddar

@Mad Dog Agreed! I watched it recently and couldn't believe how much it changed for me. And my boyfriend watched it with me for the first time, and he didn't like it.

We actually watched Heathers together early in our relationship, and as we were watching it I saw it through his eyes, and I was like, "OMG he's as old now as the parents are in the movie, and there's no nostalgic value because he wasn't a girl in the '80's. He must think this is terrible." And he kind of did.

chrysopoeia

@Mad Dog But the music gets better!

give cheese some pants

@wee_ramekin I was turned off by Troy from my very first viewing (age 16), and I STILL ended up dating one. COME ON, SELF.

proudsquarepeg

@TheUnchosenOne Omg, yes. I think Heathers and Edward Scissorhands are very much "of their time." (Do the kids these days even know what an Avon Lady is?)

BUT in keeping with my old Winona viewing habits, rewatches of Little Women and How to Make an American Quilt hold up rather well. Professor Bhaer for Good Boyfriend!

Mad Dog

@fondue with cheddar Oh man, I can understand how maybe other people wouldn't like it, but nothing will turn me off Heathers. NOTHING! I was still a teeny-tiny one when it actually came out, but it still gives me the sadz when I ask, "What's your damage, Heather?" and the other person looks blankly at me and reminds me that their name isn't Heather.

fondue with cheddar

@Mad Dog Yeah, I will love it forever. I was a freshman in high school when it came out, so I was pretty much the target demographic. I think if you're of that age or younger it's great, but if you're much older I can see how one wouldn't relate.

sophia_h

Please please tell me that someone in this thread had their opinion influenced as to whether or not Ethan Hawke was the bad boyfriend in RB because of the Sassy magazine sidebar piece on Ben Stiller and how he was cute and funny and Winona totally should've gone for his pulled-together adult self.

slanket

@TheUnchosenOne Ethan Hawke played the pretend-good boyfriend who is actually a serial killer (and tries to murder what he thinks is his unborn child!!!) in some movie with Angelina Jolie!

bitzyboozer

@sophia_h I know exactly what you're talking about and personally I didn't agree at the time because hello, Ethan Hawke 90s alternateen grungeball fantasy bf, but it did give me conflicting feelings to be rebelling against Sassy.

See also the time Sassy said that Molly Ringwald should have ended up with Ducky in Pretty in Pink, because no. (God I remember way too much about Sassy.)

bitzyboozer

@proudsquarepeg I will only watch Reality Bites for the cheesy 90s nostalgia at this point, but I think Heathers totally holds up.

RebeccaKW

@slanket That would be Taking Lives and he is totally lovable at first and then he's all crazy psycho (but has actually been crazy psycho the whole time). And I really had the hots for the younger French Canadian cop.

sophia_h

@bitzyboozer I was a subscriber for just the last two years of "real" Sassy, and those were my seventh and eighth grade years so it was really more aspirational than applicable to my life, but since I used to obsessively reread those 24 magazines (where have they gone?? they're probably worth something now!) I had them practically memorized. I still remember buying colored mascara even though I didn't have blue eyes and couldn't get the "spooky, Kate MaComberish look" and Douglas Coupland novels later in my teens just because Sassy said so.

Mrs. Grundy

@wee_ramekin Just chiming in to say that I, too, believe that Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites is the worst of boyfriends. But I think I thought that even when was a teenager.

HeyThatsMyBike

@wee_ramekin Yes. My handle even honors RB and I approve this message. He is a terrible, manipulative boyfriend. But totally represents the types of idiots many of us fall for in our early 20s (But he's just a wounded dove! He's so INTERESTING! I can fix him!). Now that I am an old (I have been using this handle forevsies), it is like a great time capsule to watch in order to remind me about the fact that I HAVE changed since I was 22. Also, I live for Steve Zahn and Vickie and Lainey's parents in that movie. INGENUITY!

Masterful Margarita

@TheUnchosenOne Also, knowing Ethan Hawke personally, he is pretty much exactly the greasy-haired, pretentious, annoyingly aloof and kind of boring amalgam of the worst traits of his film characters. Which makes him The Worst Boyfriend Ever.

Princess Slaya

Can we play this game every week?

SarahP

I LOVED THIS. I also loved the litle hearts next to the ridiculous picture of Hugh ("Hooo-wee!" Jackson with the weird face. Well played!

antipretty

THIS IS THE BEST.

antipretty

@antipretty every time I think I've settled on the best part of this, I find something new.

The best is the writing on Ethan Hawke! No, wait, it's the collage of Hugh's face with your face cuddling in bed. No, wait! It's actually James Marsden's evolution into whiney Cyclops!

I love this so much.

iceberg

@antipretty Yes! I forgot to say, this is great A++ work Hallie Cantor!

teaandcakeordeath

@antipretty
My best part was the sad face when describing Cyclops as 'Not Wolverine'! And I love Cyclops. And Wolverine.

sceps yarx

@teaandcakeordeath that's when I started giggling so hard!

stonefruit

And James Marsden played a straight-up rapist in Gossip, so, yikes on him.

apples and oranges

@stonefruit But then a good boyfriend again in 30 Rock... do TV shows count?

dj pomegranate

@kangerine 30 Rock always counts.

Blushingflwr

I kind of want to see if I can make a chain with just Colin Firth movies. He is mostly a Good Boyfriend though. Except in Shakespeare in Love

apples and oranges

@Blushingflwr I think a British romcom actor chain would be very successful.

Smallison

@Blushingflwr He might be a Good Boyfriend, but he is Bad Kisser. So, for me, he moves into a Not Great Boyfriend.

themegnapkin

@Blushingflwr and in Circle of Friends, he is the worst!

Bittersweet

@Smallison Colin Firth is a bad kisser?!? I'm not listening, I'm not listening, lalalalala....

Mad Dog

@Smallison Is he a Bad Kisser? At the end of Bridget Jones's Diary, Bridget says "nice boys don't kiss like that" (Yes, they fucking do), which I assumed meant he was a Good Kisser.

Look, I don't want to live in a world where Mr. Darcy is not a good kisser, okay? I am really invested in my worldview remaining unshaken in this regard.

Blushingflwr

@Mad Dog If he is a Bad Kisser, I volunteer my services at helping him improve his kissing technique. I am willing to jump on that unexploded grenade for the greater good of all.

Blushingflwr

@themegnapkin I had forgotten he was in that! All I remember about that movie is Minnie Driver and Chris O'Donnell. It was before I discovered my love for Mr. Firth (Netflix once created a category for me called "Movies starring Colin Firth")

Mad Dog

@Blushingflwr You are a lady with an eye for opportunity. I salute you.

Smallison

@Mad Dog Oh, indeed. He doesn't move his lips AT.ALL. It's bad and noticeable in Bridget Jones, but it's even worse in Love Actually. He does this weird fish face, and sort of moves his head around. It is waaaaay awkward.

LooseBaggyMonster

@themegnapkin The rule for Colin Firth is Clean-shaven: Good boyfriend :: Mustache: Bad boyfriend.

Atheist Watermelon

@Blushingflwr I luuuuuuuurve me some Colin Firth, but: isn't Bridget Jones' Diary actually the only film in which he's a good bf? Jilted husband who kills his wife in the English Patient, crazy womanizer who breaks Meg Tilly's heart in Valmont, and, well, yes, Mr. Darcy, but I have the feeling Mr. Darcy might be a rather difficult boyfriend, let's face it... ;-)

Bittersweet

@Didldidi Bad Boyfriend in Another Country because he's in love with Marxism instead of Rupert Everett...

wee_ramekin

I....I didn't really understand this, but I also thought it was the funniest thing I've read in a while. So props to you, Hallie Cantor!

(Also, Hugh Jackman's face as he's coming out of the water is making me snerk my bevvy through my nostrils. Everything about that entire mish-mash of pictures is great.)

bitzyboozer

@wee_ramekin Yeah, phase two totally lost me. But I enjoy reading about the terribleness of characters in romantic comedies so it evened out.

eiffeldesigns

I loved this more than I probably should.

eiffeldesigns

And now I've been trying to think of guys who only play good boyfriends. So far the only one that pops into my head is Patrick Swayze. And I'm not at all surprised because Patrick Swayze is the best of the best.

dj pomegranate

@Kirs Patrick Swayze is The Boyfriend, forever.

meetapossum

The first time I saw Point Break I said softly, "He's like an angel" as they were skydiving. My friends laughed, but I was totally serious :(

MaddieHayes

@Kirs This is in my wheelhouse. Swayze is solid gold. Tom Hanks is never bad....

punzy

@Kirs Ah! In Keeping Mum he plays a sleazy tennis instructor/potential adultery partner to Kristen Scott Thomas who is married to Rowan Atkinson the vicar who is clueless but gets better. So does Rowan Atkinson ever play a bad boyfriend?

LooseBaggyMonster

@Kirs Except for Donnie Darko...but Swayze did have incredibly kind-looking eyes.

LaLoba

@Kirs wait a moment, isn't Patrick Swayze the bad boyfriend in Point Break if nothing else due to KIDnapping??

Scandyhoovian

I would totally watch a teen drama set in the Xavier Institute.

You know that feeling where you didn't know you needed something until suddenly YOU KNOW YOU NEED A THING?

I have that feeling right now.

iceberg

@Scandyhoovian The X Diaries

MandyMcAwesome

@iceberg YYYESSS!

mystique

@Scandyhoovian Someone needs to watch X-Men: Evolution, which is on Netflix right now! The only problem is Wolverine is not in a love triangle with Jean Grey :( But X-Men 2 & 3 can salve that wound, if you're not like me and burst out laughing at the climax of X-Men 3.

Also, the Justice League show had some serious romantic drama Batman actually says (in Justice League Unlimited, but it's a build up, you gotta watch everything) he can't date someone because "I have issues. LOTS of issues."

Also, I am a nerd.

anachronistique

@mystique X-Men Evolution!!!! God, I may act like I have nerd cred, but that is maybe my favorite X-men adaptation ever. Kurt and Kitty totally needed to smooch.

Gulfie

@Scandyhoovian The fanfic community grew three sizes this day

cosmia

@mystique I CAME HERE JUST TO MAKE SURE SOMEONE MENTIONED X-MEN: EVOLUTION IN THE COMMENTS. THE HAIRPIN, YOU NEVER DISAPPOINT ME.

D.@twitter

@anachronistique I was really sad when they stopped airing it. That and "Gargoyles" both need to resume STAT.

quatsch

@D.@twitter I feel like I missed out on something really great by refusing to watch Gargoyles when it was on because obviously they were grotesques, GEEZ. (I was a super cool child who had feelings on this issue.)

happymisanthrope

@mystique did X-Men: Evolution ever introduce Gambit? (AND WHY NOT!)

Justice League: I really only watch it because of Hawkgirl and Green Lantern.

iceberg

Man, I'm pretty sure I don't have the chops to play this game at even beginner level!

Ummm. Billy Zane in Titanic = TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND. Being hit by that giant iceberg taught Bad Boyfrined Billy Zane a few things. He washed up on the shores of Africa and began a new life as Good Boyfriend Billy Zane aka The Ghost Who Walks aka Mr Walker aka the Phantom. Despite his newfound fondness for purple spandex, he is super hot, and chivalrous! Later he took time out of his busy superhero schedule to advise his really really ridiculously good looking friend but was not listened to.

parallel-lines

@iceberg How was Billy Zane never in any of the Fast & Furious movies?! I feel like that is his niche!

owlegg

@iceberg He even starts out as the good/available/semi-age-appropriate boyfriend in Twin Peaks!

bessmarvin

@iceberg At some point he could have become Orlando Billy Zane, too, androgynous sea captain who woos Tilda Swinton?

chrysopoeia

@iceberg He was also a terrible boyfriend in Only You! And wore a hideous wig!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@iceberg "Put a cork in it, Zane!"

MandyMcAwesome

Wait - Wasn't Ethan Hawke the murderer on "Taking Lives"?

Emby

I sometimes worry I'm more like Cyclops than I'll ever know. I don't want to be Cyclops. But I'm so much the opposite of a sensitive cage-fighting adamantium-clawed bad boy...

That's it, I need to get into more cage fights!!!

adorable-eggplant

@Emby Or work on your aahcsent and aim for Gambit. Who, now that I'm revisiting this, looks a lot like Ethan Hawke:

Coincidence? I think not.

Bittersweet

(You guys I actually saw Picture Perfect in the theater with my husband, and not on a Saturday afternoon on Lifetime as is proper. I know, I know, it's awful.)

Plus, do we count James Marsden as the Bad Boyfriend in Enchanted, or is he just the clueless dweeby boyfriend who ends up being a perfect hunk of meat for Idina Menzel?

mystique

@Bittersweet I want a sequel where they come back to the real world. Even though Amy Adams was cute, as I've gotten older I want to be Idina Menzel's character, because James Marsden >>> McDreamy or whatever, and also...the real world >>> fake Disney.

anachronistique

@Bittersweet Marsden in Enchanted is his sub-niche Nice Dude Who Gets Dumped For Not Being The Hero; see also Superman Returns and Spider-Man 2. He's really good at that niche.

iceberg

@anachronistique see also the freaking Notebook worstmovieever

Lucienne

@anachronistique He's the Ralph Bellamy of the 21st century.

Smallison

@iceberg Oh my god, I'm so glad somebody else hates that movie. It's the WORST!!!

Spice&Snails&PuppyDogTails

@Bittersweet We could make such a long chain of just James Marsden.

I regret to inform everyone that I saw him in Bachelorette, where he is The Worst. And wasn't he the husband Reservoir Dogs remake? That probably doesn't really count as chick flick...

themlemons

@Spice&Snails&PuppyDogTails Bachelorette almost made my abandon my love for James Marsden, but then I remembered that a) he can sing, b) 30 Rock!, and c) he was in early episodes of The Nanny (credited as Jimmy Marsden, so adorable), and my world was righted.

par_parenthese

@Bittersweet Clueless/perfect for Idina Menzel, 100%. He's not a bad guy, just kind of a tool, and a major sex idiot.

Escapade Dunfree

@anachronistique I was just talking about how James Marsden is the consummate baxter yesterday! (The Baxter, for reference.)

Mad Dog

@Lucienne A+ classic film reference. He totally IS.

totallyunoriginal

@Bittersweet He was also a sweet teen dad in a show called Second Noah and he played the acoustic guitar SO MUCH. Thus he is a good boyfriend forever.

de Pizan

@totallyunoriginal No one else I know remembers that show, but my teen self absolutely loved Second Noah. Which left us too soon.

C.SanDiego

@de Pizan Oh my god that show so was good. I have more than once tried unsuccessfully to find it on the internet.

de Pizan

@C.SanDiego A few people have posted the whole series on youtube, but many of the videos have been pulled down. There is this though http://youtu.be/S_x4XeylU_8?t=5m3s.

LaLoba

@de Pizan the family with the million animals?!

totallyunoriginal

@LaLoba They had the million animals and all the foster kids! And a beautiful James Marsden. I was OBSESSED. My pre-teen heart fell hard for him.

This was pre-Google days so the only way I knew it got canceled was the fact that it just never came back. It was so good though!

Slutface

SOMEONE DO CHANNING TATUM! Wait, you can't because he's the perfect boyfriend in every movie and in real life. Today is his birthday too! Can we please get a post dedicated to Channing Tatum's birthday? Please include pony dance youtube video. Here, I found it for you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbIvOf0Xmzo

Crumbling Slut

@Slutface How have I not watched Magic Mike yet?! Gotta get on that.

Megasus

@Slutface He is NOT the perfect boyfriend in that movie he's in with what's her face. Side Effects. Also apparently today his birthday, which I found out while looking up what that movie was called.

dj pomegranate

I feel like there's a lot of potential for an incredible Hugh Grant transformation. He was in every rom com for like, five years. Good Boyfriend Sense and Sensibility ---> Cad boyfriend Bridget Jones?

Cad was a typo, but I'm keeping it because it is truth.

Mad Dog

@dj pomegranate I think Hugh Grant not only plans both the Good and Bad Boyfriends, but often plays both of them in a single film (see Two Weeks Notice and Love, Actually).

meetapossum

@dj pomegranate Good Boyfriend in Love Actually, Bad Boyfriend in life.

meetapossum

@Mad Dog Also in About A Boy!

Mad Dog

@meetapossum I think he's a pretty Bad Boyfriend at first in Love, Actually. I mean, he doesn't recognize when his lady love is clearly being SEXUALLY HARASSED and not, in fact, seduced by the American President, and then he "re-distributes" her because his jealousy can't deal EVEN THOUGH they weren't officially A Thing yet.

But then makes a dramatic love gesture and rides in the car with a paper mache octopus (Eight is a lot of legs, David!) and everything is basically forgiven.

meetapossum

@Mad Dog True! I think I forgot about the first part of the movie because they weren't actually A Thing. ("We're here!")

Lucienne

@dj pomegranate I sort of think he's a Bad Boyfriend in Sense and Sensibility, though? Just not as bad as Willoughby. (It sort of cracks me up that Greg Wise and Emma Thompson are a thing now.)

Lucienne

Also a bad boyfriend in Maurice.

Bittersweet

@Lucienne No, noooo...he makes a juvenile mistake in Sense and Sensibility by getting engaged to Lucy Steele (ugh). But he's willing to see it through because he's A Gentleman. Then when he's released from that engagement, he marries his true love, becomes a vicar and says LATER A-HOLES to his terrible family. That makes him Good (but Human) Boyfriend.

Bittersweet

@Lucienne Haha, I was just about to say that about Maurice. Bad boyfriend and bad husband.

Lucienne

@Bittersweet I mean, he works it out! But at the beginning he is that guy in a relationship who flirts with you and doesn't tell you he's in a relationship until MONTHS LATER. I mean, I know it was secret but.

Admittedly, everyone in S&S, book and movie, frustrates me. I'm not really unbiased.

Lucienne

@Bittersweet Ugh, CLIVE IS THE WORST. Everyone is like, Clive is sooo tragic but no, no, he's awful and also Rupert Graves, case closed.

Somewhere my love

@Mad Dog It's true, eight IS a lot of legs, David!
This post is not complete without mention of the Nativity lobster. The Nativity lobster: never forget.

themlemons

@Somewhere my love There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?

par_parenthese

@Mad Dog @meetapossum @Somewhere my love @themlemons If y'all haven't watched Love, Actually with the director's commentary on, you have missed out on at least half the jokes in that movie.

Somewhere my love

@themlemons Duh!!!

@par_parenthese Well, there goes my day...

Blushingflwr

@par_parenthese I know what I'm doing this weekend!

lora.bee

@dj pomegranate Good boyfriend in Notting Hill!

Bittersweet

@lora.bee Good Boyfriend who had to put up with Julia Roberts' shenanigans, though. Man, she was Terrible Girlfriend. I was actually convinced for a while that they wouldn't end up together at the end of that movie.

Atheist Watermelon

@Lucienne fwoooaaaarrrrr Rupert Graves in Maurice yess all of that please thank you

Mad Dog

I once watched almost the entirety of a 27 Dresses while waiting to get my annual checkup at a sexual health clinic. I legit do not know which part of that experience was more painful.

frigwiggin

This is beauuuuuutiful and I want to cry.

iceberg

Gerard Butler - Good Boyfriend in that time-travelling movie based on a Michael Crichton book (Google reveals it to be called Timeline) - He falls in love with a princess and stays in medieval times and is hot and good at swordfighting, but years of medieval lack of indoor plumbing / hygiene and reinforced patriarchal privilege turn him into Terrible Borderline-Rape-By-Proxy Boyfriend in The Ugly Truth.

punzy

@iceberg Or the Phantom of the Opera.

RebeccaKW

@iceberg Bad boyfriend in Dracula 2000. Even hottie Johnny Lee Miller (good boyfriend) could not save that movie.

BattyRabbit

I play Phase One with myself ALLLLLL THE TIIIIIIME
Lee Pace Good Boyfriend: Ned in Pushing Daisies
Lee Pace Bad Boyfriend: Thranduil in The Hobbit (not a romcom or even romantic but...shutup)
After being a dick to the dwarves Lee Pace Thranduil turns into 1977 Animated Hobbit Thranduil (http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mf5nyyHReq1qdrp0j.jpg) and the experience is so humbling that he realizes he was a dick and it extra-nice as Ned to make up for it (after he magically gets changed back to pretty somehow?...). Evidence: Ned's precious eyebrow furrow. It is caused by the weight of his past.
Am I doing it wrong?

themlemons

@BattyRabbit Lee Pace Thranduil is a terrible boyfriend to Richard Armitage Thorin in The Hobbit. I see it. (Erm, hopefully others also saw some homoerotic subtext there? Besides people on Tumblr?)

Megasus

@BattyRabbit BEST BOYFRIEND IN MISS PETTIGREW. I seem to recall he was also a Good Boyfriend in Wonderfalls too? Best/worst boyfriend in The Fall, I can't decide. Best butt in Infamous.

Bittersweet

@Megasus He was Clueless Boyfriend in Wonderfalls, who doesn't realize how hot Tracey Thorne's character is for him 'til it's almost too late! (Dunh-dunh-dunh!!!)

That reminds me how awesome Wonderfalls was, and that I should watch it again. What happened to the main guy in that show? He was a thing of beauty.

Megasus

@Bittersweet He was in the first season/part of the second of Being Erica, and still pretty hot.

yrouttasight

I affectionately refer to Hugh Jackman as Huge Ackman. Just thought you all should know that.

Also! "Cyclops is MY favorite X-Man" said NO ONE EVER.

adorable-eggplant

@yrouttasight Hahaha, true! Rogue > Beast > Wolverine > Storm > Gambit > Everyone Else > Cyclops (going entirely on my preferences as a preteen)

Blushingflwr

@adorable-eggplant oh, man, I had such a crush on Beast. And also Gambit. But mostly Beast. This is when my entire knowledge of The X-Men was based on watching the cartoons while waiting for the school bus in the 90s.

Melusina

@yrouttasight Cyclops was my favourite X-man as a pre-teen. I also had a thing for Geordi La Forge. I dunno.

yrouttasight

@Melusina I have a friend whose favorite X-Man is Cyclops. I like to give him some grief for it, but just know that it's not totally unheard of.

As for Geordi La Forge...well, you can't argue with LeVar Burton.

koume

@yrouttasight Tina Fey's "Jack Human!!" anecdote forevers endears all parties involved to me.

sceps yarx

@yrouttasight butterfly in the skyyyyyyy, I can fly twice as hiiiiiiiigh!

adorable-eggplant

@sceps yarx My first thought was just, "Aww song, why do you have to neg that poor butterfly? It's flying the best it can."

parallel-lines

Michael Sheen? Where does Wesley Snipes fall on the good/bad boyfriend spectrum

Megasus

@parallel-lines best/worst boyfriend

proudsquarepeg

@parallel-lines He has a habit of playing the Bad Boyfriend - Wesley in 30Rock, Thorne Jamison in Laws of Attraction, Paul in Midnight in Paris, Mark in Admission (...wow, I did not realize how much I apparently like Michael Sheen, huh)

If Miles in Bright Young Things ever got a boyfriend, then he might have been Good.

Catina Wig

@parallel-lines micheal sheen good boyfreind - blade 2, bad boyfriend 30 rock

Catina Wig

@parallel-lines wesley snipes always makes me think of that movie from the 90's where he cheats on his hot wife on vacation and then we he comes home his dog is obsessed with his crotch smell! but he'd be good bf in hmmm, rising sun?

Catina Wig

@Catina Wig OMG EMBARASSING i meant micheal sheen in underworld (i am redonk attracted to both micheal sheen in underworld and the bad guy in blade 2/hellboy 2 so my hormones created a typo)

RebeccaKW

@Catina Wig Michael Sheen as Lucius is the hottest thing ever and OMG the sex scene in Rise of the Lycans.

bessmarvin

Okay, am I the only one who prefers Reality Bites Ben Stiller to Reality Bites Ethan Hawke? Reality Bites Ethan Hawke is so lame, you guys. But anytime I say this to anyone it is like I am dead to them, immediately!

fondue with cheddar

@bessmarvin Reality Bites Ethan Hawke is who I preferred as a 20-year-old in 1994. Reality Bites Ben Still is who I prefer now. But I have always preferred Reality Bites Janeane Garofalo to Reality Bites Winona Ryder.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@bessmarvin I didn't like Ben Stiller's character that much, but Ethan Hawke's was such a DICK in that movie. I only saw Reality Bites once, on TV, and sometimes I wonder if I saw the same movie as all these people who think Ethan Hawke was a good boyfriend in it??? And honestly I may be misremembering the movie, but I seem to think it was sort of a Brian Krakow/Jordan Catalano type of choice (as in, realistically these guys would be terrible boyfriends in very different ways)...

sophia_h

@Katzen-party I was really into Brian when I was 12 and not at all into Jordan, which I think explains my subsequent teen years really really well.

Also Ethan Hawke whimpers that he just has this "planet ... of regret" over breaking up with Winona and when I first saw that movie I howled in laughter. I have made many many bad choices in life but luckily dating dudes like that was not one of them.

bitzyboozer

@sophia_h Oh man, I will totally cop to thinking that line was super sensitive and profound at the time. Sigh, teenage me.

sophia_h

@bitzyboozer Well, I didn't actually see the movie until a few years after it came out, so it might have worked on younger me. But like I said, I also thought Jordan Catalano was kind of mopey and lame, so I was an oddball kid.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@sophia_h PLANET OF REGRET, omg. Practically the only thing I remember about that movie now was when Ethan Hawke's character gets onstage and sings that awful Violent Femmes song to Winona Ryder's character and I was, like, crawling out of my skin at how terrible that was.

so what?

@bessmarvin I'm super late to this thread, but I fucking HATE Ethan Hawke's character in Reality Bites. He has zero redeeming qualities and he just makes me seethe. I actually just rewatched this movie recently and spent the whole time ranting about him and Winona Ryder and how terrible they are until my boyfriend said, "So... Why did you want to watch this again?"

On a more positive note, I think Steve Zahn's character is adorable.

Lucienne

Tony Leung: Good Boyfriend - Chungking Express, Happy Together, and In the Mood for Love, the combined pressure of which produced the Bad Boyfriend of 2046 and Lust, Caution. But then by the time Red Cliff comes around it's out of his system.

iceberg

@Lucienne ohhhh In the Mood for Love. so good.

dj pomegranate

@Lucienne Oh, man, Lust, Caution. Such a bad boyfriend, such a great movie.

Megasus

@dj pomegranate So much hot, bad boyfriend sex.

Chills

I feel like there needs to be a link in the chain to make it a circle!

themlemons

I sure hope someone said this upthread, but I scrolled down here too fast to see it. ETHAN HAWKE IS THE WORST BOYFRIEND IN REALITY BITES!!!!!!

Seriously, adulthood is watching that movie again and realizing that Ben Stiller's character is far more, I don't know, adult and kind and trying-to-help-her-with-her-career-in-a-dorky-and-misguided-way. And Ethan Hawke's character is a greasy juicebox who takes out his self-loathing issues on others.

bitzyboozer

@themlemons Troy is your 90s alternative cigarette smoking guitar playing fantasy dreamboat best, and your real life over 30 living in the adult world worst.

HeyThatsMyBike

@bitzyboozer Yes, this exactly.

ct3p0

Dammit! I loved every minute of this until the Ethan Hawke ending. Nothing against EH, except that he looks eerily similar to the worst boyfriend of my life.

proudsquarepeg

@ct3p0 It needs to end with Tom Hanks. Everyone knows that Tom Hanks is always a Good Boyfriend.

ct3p0

@proudsquarepeg YES! Tom Hanks. or a surprise twist lesbian ending.

ct3p0

@proudsquarepeg ...with reality bites Winona Ryder. And her daddy's gas card.

RebeccaKW

@proudsquarepeg Why am I thinking that Tom Hanks played a killer in some movie? What am I remembering? That seems so crazy b/c TH is great always, but I have some weird memory that he was a killer?

sceps yarx

@proudsquarepeg The Ladykillers? It's that weird Cohen Brothers movie where Tim Hanks plays an oily con man with a southern gentleman schtick. I think he's definitely Bad Boyfriend material.

proudsquarepeg

@ct3p0 He was a hit man in Road to Perdition (but a good dad!) and as @sceps yarx said, a conman in The Ladykillers (and yet a Southern gentleman!) I would wager both of them could be cases for good/worst status.

I am perhaps biased by the man's neverending supply of personal RL charm and niceness, which I swear makes it impossible not to root for his less than heroic characters. I suppose getting stuck on the island in Cast Away makes him a bit of a bad boyfriend (he worked on Christmas!)

He brought Meg Ryan daisies. And saved all the water for her. And felt magic when he held her hand. GOOD BOYFRIEND FOREVER.

lora.bee

@proudsquarepeg Good but kind of stalker-y boyfriend in Forrest Gump?

Crazy boyfriend in The Money Pit.

Best boyfriend to Tom Hanks - Antonio Banderas in Philadelphia. <3

LaLoba

@proudsquarepeg Bad Boyfriend material in Bachelor Party, when he is twenty and his charm potential was as of yet not fully defined?

rayray

@proudsquarepeg Yeah but is it just me that gets a bit mad at Meg Ryan for not appreciating Greg Kinnear in You've Got Mail? Lat time I watched it (the first time since I was a teenager i think) I kind of realised that they're both nice and felt a bit sorry for Greg. No wonder he's so uptight and kind of a bad/good husband in Little Miss Sunshine.

lora.bee

@rayray But he finds Republican tv interview woman!

proudsquarepeg

@rayray Greg Kinnear is criminally underappreciated in most things. He has enough facility as an actor to crank the charm from skeevy to adorkable but he never quite reached leading man status. Which is a shame, because he's YUMMY in a very approachable way.

That said, I still think he definitely counts as Bad Boyfriend in YGM because all the sweet, fight against the man!, nonsense was more about him then it was about saving the store. (Honestly, his character is like a prototype for a Portlandia vignette. He would totally use all those recycling receptacles and shame anyone who did not.) I feel like he is a version of Ethan Hawke's Troy, just more WASP-y and Republican leaning, with a 'zine instead of a band.

RebeccaKW

@proudsquarepeg Speaking of Meg Ryan movie boyfriends, what about Bill Pullman? I've always liked him, and I can't think of any bad boyfriend roles. Sleepless in Seattle-he wasn't a bad boyfriend. He was just...not exciting, I guess. Spaceballs, maybe? He was a good guy, I think, even if he was a bit of a jerk at first.

proudsquarepeg

@RebeccaKW Bill Pullman! @Lucienne upthread said that James Marsden was the Ralph Bellamy of the 21st century - but clearly Bill Pullman wins that forever - Marsden always twinkles a little, Bill veers dangerously towards Bellamy-esque drip-dom with some of his thankless roles.

Absent, wet hankerchief, not-as-dead-as-presumed husband in A League of their Own (like Geena Davis would be tamed by an aw-shucks guy!)

Good yet drippy, cuckolded, reluctant hero husband in Malice - he's boring until the end, when he just becomes this quiet bad-ass. Andy + Bebe Neuwirth FTW!

Careless, jealous husband in The Favor, though he does reform by the end. He's really lovely in that, actually - the dorky harmonica playing/blues singing kills me!

Good boyfriend in While You Were Sleeping - he leans and makes nice furniture!

Batshit, wistful boyfriend in Zero Effect - he does let her win, totally bittersweet.

RebeccaKW

@proudsquarepeg Oh, he was president in Independence Day. Helped save the world. Excellent boyfriend.

proudsquarepeg

@RebeccaKW Ooh, yes - not to mention a fighter pilot and soulful widower. Boy was definitely going to get some after the aliens blew up.

Lalochezia

@proudsquarepeg Ah, but Bill Pullman was a TERRIBLE boyfriend in the bizarre Ellen DeGeneres vehicle, Mr. Wrong - he is in fact the eponymous Mr. Wrong!

(I actually saw this movie IN THEATRES. Unsettling.)

RebeccaKW

@Lalochezia I will be adding this movie to my list of movies to never watch, regardless of how late at night and how bored I am.

Gulfie

Now I just want to have a huge Hairpin sleepover and watch terrible romantic comedies with all of you.

get it?

the problem now is that while I was set up to have a not very productive day at work, I feel I will instead do nothing all day but stalk Hallie Cantor's entire body of work and probably then get fired.

Catina Wig

my fave rom com good boyfreind is paul bettany in wimbeldon, was he bad bf in anything?

sophia_h

@Catina Wig Cheating by using IMDB, but he played Steerforth in a David Copperfield production, who is like, the worst boyfriend ever. If we're willing to call David Copperfield a good boyfriend (he does leave poor Agnes dangling for years, but it's because he's dumb), then Hugh Dancy played him and also a bad boyfriend in a Madame Bovary production. Dr. Bovary was played by Hugh Bonneville, who...hm, I'm behind on Downton, would we call Lord Granville a bad boyfriend/husband for the maid dalliance stuff? If not, he's got the typical English actor's long resume of period pieces, I'm sure he played a cad in one of them.

Lucienne

@sophia_h Daniel Deronda! Hugh Bonneville is terrible in that. (Maybe abusive? I don't remember very clearly.)

sophia_h

@Lucienne Ooh! But drat, recursive, because Hugh Dancy was also the good boyfriend in DD. I don't think this game works so well with the BBC set.

KatPruska

@sophia_h Bonneville played the creepy abuser Mr. Grancourt in "Daniel Deronda." Dude was the WORST.

sceps yarx

@KatPruska YES. I'm so glad I watched Downton before Deronda, because he is sooooo creepy I think it would have ruined Lord Grantham for me!

daisicles

@Catina Wig He played a child abuser in The Secret Life of Bees. The character's wife is out of the picture (Dead? Left? Something?) and I can't remember if he ever hurt her, but either way he'd be the worst. There'd be no best boyfriend with that movie, though. Best replacement parent figure?

frigwiggin

@Catina Wig Paul Bettany is best-best boyfriend in Master and Commander. Forever.

LaLoba

@sophia_h hahahaha Steerforth! He was hallucination BFF in beautiful mind,so sort of bad?

get it?

he was my favorite person ever as Chaucer in a knights tale, but possibly not a good boyfriend?

Catina Wig

@get it? ugh, he was a sexy beast in knights tale.

lora.bee

@Catina Wig WORD.

LaLoba

@Catina Wig I recall his nakedness vividly?

iceberg

Alan Rickman - great boyfriend to Kate Winslet in Sense & Sensibility, midlife crisis-y terrible cheaty husband to Emma Thompson in Love Actually. Best ghost-husband in Truly, Madly, Deeply.

Bittersweet

@iceberg Not a great boyfriend to Bruce Willis in Die Hard, though.

proudsquarepeg

@iceberg All the !!!! for Truly, Madly, Deeply. I blame Alan Rickman's voice for my teenage obsession with Pablo Neruda and that movie. Also best Reformed Wannabe Boyfriend in Severus Snape (always! he's such a dick but the always! breaks my heart every. time.) and Evil, Oversexed Boyfriend in Robin Hood.

Atheist Watermelon

@iceberg Alan Rickman in An Awfully Big Adventure, in which he finds out he's been having sex with his daughter... Does that qualify as a bad boyfriend?

RebeccaKW

@proudsquarepeg Yes, WORST BOYFRIEND in Robin Hood. Still cute, though.

iceberg

IIRC, Ioan Gruffud played someone's sexy young starving artist piece in I think it was some period drama a loooooong time ago, and then grew up into Sexy Nerd/Good Boyfriend Reed Richards in Fantastic Four.

iceberg

@iceberg I THINK based o imdb / dim recollection that the period drama was the Forsyte Saga.

sceps yarx

@iceberg ugh, I just watched the first episode of Forsyte Saga and it was TERRIBLE. Horrible people being horrible to each other, all the horrible time.

Emily Tamkin@twitter

This was fun! I got a chain of six. AHEM:

Campbell Brown loses Drew Barrymore to Hugh Grant in Music and Lyrics.

Hugh Grant goes on to lose Renée Zellweger to Colin Firth (yes—gotta bring in Colin Firth) in Bridget Jones.

But even Colin Firth loses sometimes. And this time, it is to Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia(!). (Granted, CF's character gives up the fight, because he is gay, but he relinquished Meryl Streep nevertheless.)

Pierce Brosnan is unable to tempt Sarah Jessica Parker away from Greg Kinnear in I Don't Know How She Does It.

And then—AS WE ALL KNOW FROM THIS PIECE—Kinnear loses to—HUGH JACKMAN (may he forever reign).

lora.bee

Someone Like You + You've Got Mail = ALWAYS on TV in the 200s.

Also It Could Happen To You, but not quite as much.

km1312

@lora.bee Also my personal favorite (not strictly a rom-com and also still on all the time, to my delight): The Fifth Element.

I've probably seen The Fifth Element more than any other film I don't own a copy of.

lora.bee

@km1312 That movie makes me so happy. "Multipass."

The movie I have seen more than any other I don't own a copy of - Shawshank Redemption, probably. Always on a weekend afternoon.

Bittersweet

@km1312 Ditto. It's like I'm required to watch it when it's on TNT, which seems like it's at least once a week.

theenviousmoon

I just want to point out that James Marsden in Bella Mafia would be a FAR WORSE boyfriend than James Marsden in X-Men.

ccmalls11

Wonderful.

Share a website with you ,

( http://www.ccmalls.net/ )

Believe you will love it.

We accept any form of payment.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account