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Monday, March 4, 2013

149

Welcome, xoVain

"I used to wear so much bright bright almost-neon blue eyeliner on my lower inner eyelids back in college that my snot was blue. True fact! It took me a while to figure out why."
xoJane has expanded into xoVain — a sister site dedicated entirely to beauty — and the lovely Jane Pratt introduces it with some funny stories from back in the day, but doesn't actually ever end up explaining about the snot. Or is it obvious? Does it soak into the eyes and slide down inside the nose? Anyway, poke around, there's lots of fun stuff.



149 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

dang i thought this was an xojane burn

Scandyhoovian

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Same. Curses!

Emby

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Well, it's not hard to turn it into one. "Welcome xoVain" is an anagram for "Coax vile women".

Or "lax-voice women".

fabel

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I share your disappointment.

parallel-lines

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood JAZZHATE!

(I did too, especially the part where they put Snooki in some grungy dress they dug up in the basement).

terrific

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I got so excited, and then so sad.

chetmaychua

@fabel That's why when you cry, you sniffle! Vietnam half day tours

lizardjellybean

Ooh, yeah, that totally could happen. My mom wore an eyeliner that she was allergic to once, when I was a kid, and her eyebrow swelled up, because it had gotten into her sinuses. Apparently your nasal passages sorta link up with your tear ducts? And go up into your eyebrow area too? Or at least there's an easy jump.I'm definitely not a doctor, or even remotely well-informed, but it seems like all your face parts are pretty much connected.

allendaniel

GREAT ATTITUDE!@a

Michelle LeBlanc@twitter

When I got my nose pierced the opposite eye watered profusely, apparently because the nerves are connected! I would like a diagram of these mysterious eyeliner travel paths though.

Emby

@Michelle LeBlanc@twitter

See that thing called the nasolacrimal duct? That.

Michelle LeBlanc@twitter

@Emby <3 <3 <3
and that's why the hairpin is great.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Emby
Tilt your head to the left. It's a map of a secret underground cavern with an entrance hidden under a copse of trees.

Emby

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll No it snot.

noodge

@Emby don't be so crusty

muralgirl

That's why when you cry, you sniffle!

anachronistique

@muralgirl Yesterday I cried so hard over the finale of My Mad Fat Diary that I looked like a leaky tomato because I'd rubbed my nose raw. (It's a great show!)

Vera Knoop

@muralgirl And a malformation of same is presumably why when I cry, I get horrible sinus headaches. Every. Single. Time. :(

yeah-elle

@anachronistique Oh god, I thought I was going to be fine? But then there was that one scene where Kester starts crying and turns away and I LOST IT. Completely. Crumple-faced ugly sobbing in front of my laptop. Professor Quirrell, stop breaking my heart.

anachronistique

@yeah-elle The part that started it off for me was "Who do you ring in an emergency?" And then it was NONSTOP SOBBING for the rest of the show.

gobblegirl

Yet another reason to never, ever, ever wear eyeliner on your waterline. It can damage your eyes, lead to serious infections, and apparently fill your nose with gunk.
Your eyelashes are there to keep things out of your eye. Let them do their job, people!

JessicaLovejoy

@gobblegirl But kajal! I wear it a couple of times a year and it gives me powers.

Mira

@gobblegirl Suddenly feeling better about being too much of a wimp ever to have managed it!

aphrabean

@Mira Likewise! I am officially giving up trying anymore. For my health.

Clara Morena

@gobblegirl I did not know that. I thank thee for saving my brown eyes.

Susanna

@gobblegirl Word.

I did it. Briefly. To attract a man. My eyes were itchy for months and months. I had to give up contact lenses. Thought it was an allergy. Split with said man. Wept. Woke up unable to open my eyes as the eyelids were so swollen...
Went to eye emergency room. It turns out that the waterline is full of ducts that produce oil that mixes with your tears and lubricates your eyes. I'd blocked mine with kohl. All the oil that should have been in the tears backed up in my eyelids until they were half a centimeter thick...
Oh, and once you get it, you're vulnerable to getting it again... Currently back on the eyedrops after getting excited about reading that whole "tightlining" thing here the other week...

:(

miss buenos aires

@gobblegirl But it looks really good! I never do it, but it does look really good.

Nicole Cliffe

I was re-reading "Emily of New Moon," because I am a child, and Emily is telling Aunt Elizabeth about leafing through her friend's dad's medical books (it's, like, the late 19th century), and Aunt Elizabeth is all ZOMG YOUNG WOMEN DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INSIDES OF BODIES, and maybe she was right.

D.@twitter

@Nicole Cliffe Yeah, but Aunt Elizabeth didn't approve of bangs, either, and we know how awesome those are, so. Viscera, ftw!

Nicole Cliffe

"A black wave breaking on your white brow." - Jarback the Creeper making me want bangs

aphrabean

@Nicole Cliffe Yes to all of the above! An aside: I also remember the exact moment when I reread the Emily books as an adult and was like ". . . Wait a second. . .Jarback? What did you just say to her?! Jarback?! GET AWAY FROM THAT CHILD RIGHT NOW."

Nicole Cliffe

@aphrabean Yeah, I actually have to apologize to everyone, because I had fond memories of Jarback, because, whatever, he was smarter than Teddy, who is just Gilbert-warmed-over-with-a-paintbrush, and interesting and would have taken Emily places, and on re-read he was already scamming on her when she was twelve. SO.

thebestjasmine

@Nicole Cliffe HE IS MY MOST HATED LITERARY CHARACTER. And I'm so glad you apologized because I've been sideyeing you ever since you defended fucking Dean Priest.

fabel

Yeah, I used to wear liquid eyeliner on my waterline & by the end of the day, I was blowing black ink out of my nose. It wasn't, like, a straight-up stream, but there were definitely black clumps in my nostril mucus.

frigwiggin

Ahhhhhhh, thinking about that makes me want to barf. So glad I don't wear any makeup ever, suddenly.

Beatrix Kiddo

@frigwiggin ME TOO. Eyeliner is terrifying enough even without knowing it could get into your nose.

D.@twitter

Aaaaand they're already abusing scientific results in order to (not) shill perfume. I’ve No Interest In Boning My Brother, And Thus No Interest In Wearing Perfume.
I get that it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but I find the whole thing deeply annoying. And is anyone else bothered by how subjective beauty journalism is? Advice-column writing has got nothing on this.
If I ran a beauty blog, product reviews would be based trials conducted by a group (statistically powerful sample size) of randomly selected women, some of whom would receive a placebo control. Their results would be subject to analysis to determine whether or not any noted improvement/benefit was statistically significant. Which would all probably be prohibitively expensive, forcing me to commit some kind of fraud in order to stay afloat. So maybe not. Anyway, until that happens, I'll continue trying random samples and visiting sites like makeupalley that have many, many reviews (which basically amounts to the same thing as what I described).
Btw--anyone wondering about the eyeliner can just google "sinus passageway," and you'll see that the oral/nasal/ocular passages are interconnected.

wallsdonotfall

@D.@twitter I want that beauty blog, dammit. Anecdotes and personal reviews are all well and good for weeding out the obviously terrible products, but I need more considered and rigorous analyses of the slap I put on my face! (Paula Begoun's good for skincare, but not colorful makeup.)

KatnotCat

@D.@twitter Weirdly, I just ended up on XOVain via another site, and that headline along with two other articles I skimmed all but gave me a rage stroke.
One was about wearing blue lipstick for day-to-day activities, which ok, fine, but "Emily suggested going to Starbucks, and Corynne totally wet-blanketed the fun by saying that I should go “to the place where people pick up their welfare checks.” She got too real-life with that one. I met them in the middle and decided on 7-11." The fuck?

The other article by the same writer was just like #sototallyedgy and try-hard as well.

rallisaurus

@D.@twitter I would totally read that blog! I get really mad that the best we have is like, Sephora reviews or makeupalley or I just take some lady's word for it? Where's consumer reports for makeup damnit!?

bb
bb

@D.@twitter hell, I would settle for some kind of scientific report on how long the stuff actually stays on you for once. Like, with pictures 1- 2- 4 hours later or something.

Clara Morena

@D.@twitter Oh yes, I am constantly tying to find ways to see if the products applies to me since I have beige sensitive skin.

Clara Morena

@rallisaurus This site ?

http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/

the angry little raincloud

@D.@twitter I think Sali Hughes at the Guardian is pretty good: she tests things, isn't shilling for advertisers, and all around seems to be more reliable than most other beauty sites. She's big on having things from a range of prices and supporting companies that cater to all women (not just white ones). I've followed many of her suggestions and I think my skin looks great these days AND I am fairly competent with eyeliner now!

It looks like the Guardian was tinkering with the format though: she used to do these great videos (filmed, apparently, in her own apartment, and the source of my eyeliner wisdom) and then they tried making them fancy and they weren't as good, and now there are no videos at all. But still, her short column is good.

D.@twitter

Sample articles:
"The effect of lotus extract in moisturizer: a multi-cohort study over a three-month period."
"Rescuing eyelash damage. Do additives in mascara really improve lash integrity and/or follicle health?"
"How often should you exfoliate for optimum results? A comparison among skin types."

KatnotCat

@D.@twitter I want a "Cook's Illustrated" style beauty magazine now!

KidPresentable

@D.@twitter But how would you do a placebo control of any cosmetic that's supposed to have visual effects, which is most of them? If we're testing blue eyeshadow and my eyeshadow is just plain mica, I'm not going to get a particularly powerful placebo I don't think.

D.@twitter

@KidPresentable Yeah, I mean, obviously the study would have to be designed around the product. Blue eyeshadow is blue eyeshadow; the placebo effect comes into play when you think that a particular cosmetic is superior for a particular reason. For example, suppose your eyeshadow claims that it will make your eyes pop b/c it has a special additive...let's say pulverized freshwater pearl. To test this claim, we could set up a study in which one group would receive eyeshadow w/ pearl, one would receive an eyeshadow /without/ pearl, but would be told that it contained pearl (placebo group), one would receive the pearl eyeshadow without being about any special eye-pop-inducing attributes (positive control), and one would receive non-pearl-eyeshadow, w/ again, not being told it was supposed to make the eyes pop particularly (negative control). Then, over a period of time, participants report their results. Various aspects like shadow consistency, duration, vividness, and of course eye-pop...ness...could be rated. This would give us information on both the overall efficacy of the product (did everyone like it?), and specifically the enhancing effects (such as they are) caused by the addition of pearl powder (did people with pearl powder consistently rate their eyes as more, uh, "popping"?).
B/c, I mean, it's pretty easy to figure out if you like blue eyeshadow or not...the question then becomes, what KIND of blue eyeshadow is best for you?

Brunhilde

@D.@twitter "The first rule of eye makeup is that you can never wear enough blue eye shadow."

timesnewroman

@the angry little raincloud I just logged in to give you the thumbs up, she is great. Also just in case you don't know she has a facebook group which via crowdsourcing I have totally changed my oily-skin-life. Also she is getting her own website sorted out this month so there should be some new videos soon :)

Ellie

What if you don't have an incest taboo, not having grown up with siblings? Can you still wear perfume?

D.@twitter

@Ellie Well, if you don't have siblings to commit incest with, the point is moot, no? But just to be safe...how far away do you live from your cousins? ;)

thatgirl

Honestly, this just makes me feel really, really sad about Cat Marnell.

sallyalbright

"And, as you know, if Genevieve does my make-up (when I do have something fancy), I leave it on for four days minimum, because it holds up and is that good." Can someone explain to me how that is not totally gross?

stonefruit

@sallyalbright No.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@sallyalbright And how are you supposed to smother your face in creams and potions before bedtime if you're trying not to disturb a fancy makeup job? Skincare is half the battle of looking good, and there's no point in having a bunch of elaborate makeup on your face if you're unable to stay properly moisturized, serumed, etc. Overall I feel like this is a good way to wake up with a rash and extra bags under your eyes.

gobblegirl

@sallyalbright I am shuddering at the thought of her pillowcases.

harebell

@werewolfbarmitzvah
Well, the photo of her as an adult did look pretty haggard/producty.
It doesn't seem like a good recommendation for listening to any of her "beauty advice." Though maybe I am allergic to phrases like "beauty advice" and therefore not the best person to talk here. (Also I apologize if that seemed an overly harsh criticism of her face, but it seems that's why she posted her picture in the first place?)

RubeksCube

@gobblegirl D: Oh god my inner neat-freak just screamed...

collier

@RubeksCube : "Dear Jolie : I wore my makeup for four days, and now I can neither get it off of my skin nor my fancy pillowcases. White vinegar? OxyClean masque?"

RubeksCube

@collier "Dear 4-Day Makeup Wearer: Buy new pillowcases. White vinegar might work on your skin, though you should probably try something more like an exfoliant first. Let us never speak of this incident again."

Olivia2.0

@sallyalbright Hippies.

Literally, that is all.

Faintly Macabre

@gobblegirl Yeah, I get anxious about my pillowcases if I don't wash my face before bed for one night, and all I have on my face is moisturizer (and dirt).

Miss Maszkerádi

@collier <3 u, bleachie.

Urwelt

@harebell I mean, she's 50. She looks like a 50 year old woman, yeah?

Jolie Kerr

@RubeksCube Pitch perfect. A++. Gold Bleachies all around.

parallel-lines

Y'all know she's bringing Cat Marnell back, right? Can she give me a beauty fix for perpetual eye roll syndrome

supernintendochalmers

I don't know... I'm not such an XOJane fan to begin with, but I don't really get their decision to make the beauty section a larger entity, besides potential revenue from selling products to us like every other women's magazine. Am I being too cynical?

sophia_h

@supernintendochalmers Thaaaat sounds about right.

terrific

@supernintendochalmers No, xoJane is literally the worst thing on the internet and all they care about is potential revenue and pretending to be SoOoOoOOoOOo different from other super la-ame women's magazines when they're doing the exact same thing but with a "rebellious spin."

I mean, ahem, I don't have an opinion on this whaaaaat

sophia_h

@terrific AND milking our early-90s Sassy nostalgia to boot! Luckily, that well ran dry on me years ago. Because I have the internet now.

Scandyhoovian

@terrific xoJane is awful. There's so much pointless dreck in there masquerading as 'edgy articles' and most of the time they just turn out to be "It happened to me: I wrote 500 words about what happened to me yesterday and it had no purpose." For every one good article there's about 50 bad ones, it is not worth the time or effort to read them.

NeverOddOrEven

@Scandyhoovian
Apparently that's why nobody read mine : (

Seriously. I exposed the biggest, most traumatic family secret, and got like 36 comments. When they did the end-of-year round up of The Best or Most Shocking or whatever, mine didn't even make the list. Even though it literally defined one of their categories.

I'm not saying my writing was amazing or anything, and I hate the way it was edited, but for taking as much of a chance as I did I'm pretty disappointed with the results.

queenofbithynia

@terrific I love you a little

Mind you I READ xojane, but I also read some pretty sketchy amateur pornography. but I repeat myself.

queenofbithynia

@queenofbithynia Except for Rebecca whatsherface who writes for them, who is the same person who does the how-to-dress-like-the-Hamburgler articles for the Hairpin, right? She is great and too good for them, can't the Hairpin just poach her right out of there?

Scandyhoovian

@NeverOddOrEven I'm sorry that happened to you :(

I really think the IHTM contest is being handled so, so poorly. There doesn't really seem to be a screening process, so there's all kinds of stuff being written about that isn't all that great, and (just speaking for myself, obviously) you just get sick of reading stories with no meaning so you just stop reading them. I skip the IHTM articles now. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

NeverOddOrEven

@Scandyhoovian
Thanks. Not that me writing it was super altruistic or something; I clearly needed to exorcise some shit and got something out of it.
And I'll always have the screen grab of my lone little face on the #murder page!

Miss Maszkerádi

@Scandyhoovian oh god XOJane is my biggest guilty pleasure/hate read/train wreck i can't stop rubbernecking at. There was literally an article the other day written by a rather plus-sized woman talking all about how she felt "shamed" and marginalized by public health initiatives encouraging stair-climbing. Most of the time I want to take most of the contributors by the shoulders and (lovingly) scream at them: "YOU ACTUALLY DO HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT HOW MUCH A FUCK TO GIVE ABOUT "SOCIETY"'S OPINION OF YOU."

Vera Knoop

@supernintendochalmers This way they can separate the sponsored paeans to beauty products from the rage-stroke inducing trollbait. What, me hate-read? NEVAR.

Vera Knoop

@Scandyhoovian Or "It happened to me: I did something horrible to someone else." Or "It happened to me: I heard that something happened to someone who lives in my building."

Miss Maszkerádi

@Vera Knoop "IHTM: Sometimes I'm really insecure about life." "IHTM: Nobody understands meeeee." "IHTM: I had a really boring day and it made me question the existence of true reality."

Vera Knoop

@Countess Maritza "IHTM: Sometimes I think I'm pretty and sometimes I think I'm not pretty."

Miss Maszkerádi

@Vera Knoop "IHTM: I put on makeup and felt guilty because of the patriarchy. Then I took my makeup off and felt like a schlub."

Miss Maszkerádi

@Vera Knoop "IHTM: I slept with a lot of strangers last week and am going to spend the next fifteen paragraphs talking about how completely not remotely regretting any of it in the slightest not one bit nope because SEX-POSITIVE FEMINISM did I mention I'm completely fine with all the decisions I made."

(ETA: Yikes, I also inadvertently captured the general grammatical skill of most of these.)

Vera Knoop

@Countess Maritza See, that's not even a stretch; did you read the one where the writer grew out her pubic hair, said it made her feel "sexy and French," and then shaved because she could tell her husband wasn't enthused about it? That's basically exactly how it went.

Olivia2.0

@Scandyhoovian IHTM: I've read every IHTM article on XOJane and all I got was an addiction to Cat Marnell's twitter...

Olivia2.0

@Countess Maritza That one actually made me super crazy too. Also, I think it was basically a chapter book, it was so long.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Vera Knoop GAH yes. Stuff like that (or basically all of XOJane, honestly) makes me write ragey opinion pieces in my secret diary about how the point of feminism seems to have turned from "we are women hear us roar and give us equality" to "let's all sit around and talk about what weak oppressed victims of society we all are and blame some nebulous patriarchy for our inability to make our own decisions in life."

the angry little raincloud

@Vera Knoop Oh. My. God. That "article" (what the hell does one call things on xoJane? posts? freeform mumbling that would have made Andre Breton sit up in appreciation of the unfiltered crap in people's brains?) was frankly one of the worst things I have ever read. I, of course, emailed it to a bunch of friends.

And the comments to a Dita von Teese beauty post were priceless. "Some of us want to look like old whithered hags! Patriarchy!" waaa waaa waa. My lord, it was my worst nightmares of being in a first-year women's studies course all over again.

I need to stop hate-reading xoJane. I've got books, good books, all around me...

Valley Girl

@Countess Maritza That was by Leslie Kinsel, who's been writing about body acceptance issues for a long time and is the only xojane writer I follow. I thought that there were some good points about ableism in there but in general everything I've read on xojane not written by Lesley or Marianne Kirby has been pretty dreck-y.

queenofbithynia

@Countess Maritza Since when is XoJane feminist? It doesn't even present itself that way. You might as well hate it for being the worst of libertarian philosophy, or the worst example of a plumber's association.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Valley Girl No, I think Lesley is a cool lady, I just thought that article was a bit ridiculous.

@the angry little raincloud WHY DO WE DO THIS. I have so many good books. There are so many sitting right next to me as I type that I want and need to read. And yet so much of my reading time just falls down dumb internet rabbit holes.

@queenofbithnya well, small-f feminist? There have been incidents of writers claiming *not* to self-identify as feminists and getting absolutely torn to tiny little pieces in the comments, so. Maybe not an explicitly 100% self-declared feminist website but pretty third-wave feminist space de facto?

Vera Knoop

@queenofbithynia Yeah, my critique of XOJane has nothing to do with feminism. I'm not even sure that most of the people writing for it consider themselves such. I just think it's full of ridiculous people with no sense of proportion.

Vera Knoop

@Countess Maritza I think we're hating XOJane from two different directions, but I'm glad that we agree that it's horrible! And that neither of us can stop reading it.
(Ok, I'm not so glad about that last part.)

Miss Maszkerádi

@Vera Knoop Similar directions with slightly different side-tangents, I think. "Ridiculous people with no sense of proportion" about sums up my general reaction to it. As does "OH GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN."

anachronistique

@Valley Girl Yeah, I basically only read Lesley and Marianne and occasionally s.e. smith. (Also, I... did not think the elevator thing was so much about feeling "personally shamed"? But I take the elevator every day.) And their comments are HORRIFYING.

queenofbithynia

@Countess Maritza yeah, some of the commenters are, but the commenters only exist to hate the articles. Except I guess they also all live in hope and expectation of publishing their own terrible articles there someday, too, so they can't leave? I think Oscar Wilde or somebody wrote an allegorical fable about just this kind of situation.

angelinha

@Vera Knoop Exactly. It's always like, the writer makes a point...but then instead of stopping the article, she goes on to blabber for 15 more paragraphs during which she always refutes her original point and leaves the reader wondering, what the fuck were you trying to convey?

Except Emily. I <3 everything Emily has ever written.

D.@twitter

@queenofbithynia Yeah, him or one of the Russians (Bulgakov came to mind) who gleefully skewered hypocrites.

MaxBraverman

@D.@twitter But XOJane has articles about how hard life is when you're in your 20s and no one else has written about that anywhere on the internet.

Vera Knoop

@Vera Knoop
Sooo Emily published basically this exact article yesterday. Sigh.

sophia_h

Any other curly girls have a heart attack reading that piece about the girl who spends an hour a day straightening hers? The before picture is like "nice, maybe get a better conditioner and scrunch with some mousse", and then you read all these paragraphs of hair torture to get to...average-looking flat straight hair that's still kind of frizzy. I just wanted to hug her and throw away everything in her bathroom.

On the plus side, I can show that article to annoying people who ask why I have not tried straightening mine.

RubeksCube

@sophia_h I used to do that when I was in high school. It took *ages* and gave me a constant case of split ends and dermatitis. Yeah...someone must have smacked me upside the head with a bottle of mousse in college, when I finally quit torturing my hair and embraced its silly wavy-curly-wildness. Poor hair.

Ellie

@sophia_h Yeah, despite my below comment I don't think her hair looks very good or that she should do that stuff to it(ESPECIALLY the wet to dry straightener, and especially a Remington, good god. I had a Remington thing for about three weeks between breaking my GHD and ordering a new one and nothing has made my hair look worse). I often bemoan how long my hair takes to dry and straighten, but for me, it's 35 minutes every other day to blow dry and straighten, with about a minute touchup every morning, and I thought that was a lot. I use heat protector and shine stuff and it comes out really shiny and nice, the ends do get fried and break off, but they were going to anyway, and I can get it trimmed for that.

MaxBraverman

@Ellie Why don't you just get a keratin treatment? It would save you a lot of time.

Ellie

@MaxBraverman I've thought about it a lot, but I'm happy with how my hair looks when I straighten it, the time commitment isn't hugely problematic, and given that they don't last forever and are really expensive, I'm not sure it's worth it. It would be incredibly nice to be able to let it air dry (i.e. I could get my hair wet swimming and not worry about it, have it get less unpleasant in the rain) but that's pretty much the only strong argument. I also finally have it all its natural color again and don't want to re-chemicalize. I feel like people have really mixed views on which treatments work and they don't all work the same way on everyone and with it so expensive, why risk it.

gobblegirl

She once missed an exam in University because she didn't have time to spend 3 hours putting makeup on to prepare for it? Then she trimmed it to a "manageable 30-minute daily routine"?
This woman is straight-up mentally ill. That is pathological.

KeLynn

@gobblegirl Is this where we can talk about how long our "routines" are? Because while 30 minutes for makeup every day sounds like quite a bit to me, 30 minutes for hair + makeup + skincare, especially if I wash my hair that day (which takes extra time on it own, plus the accompanying drying/straightening tasks of wash days), sounds pretty reasonablish to me.

Mira

@KeLynn It takes me about that long, 30-40 minutes depending on how fussy I'm being (or if I'm getting ready for, like, a long-haul flight OR AN EXAM, then about 7 minutes). I try not to think about how much of my life I have cumulatively wasted on this.

KatnotCat

@gobblegirl I'm confused as to how a person would need 3 hours to prep unless they were doing some extreme special effects makeup. I would be surprised if even Kim Kardashian getting prepped for an awards show approaches that.
How could it take so long? What could someone be doing?

Miss Maszkerádi

@KeLynn Yikes. I think the absolute longest I ever spent applying makeup was 15 minutes. It's usually a slightly harried 5 minute dash.

grizzle_bees

@KeLynn For some reason, I have a snippet from a Cover Girl commercial from the 90's always resurface when I think about this: "blahblahblahblah and it shouldn't take more than FIVE MINUTES."

professionalmess

@KeLynn Do you mean only beauty or overall getting ready to leave the house? I usually shower at night when I am a productive member of society, so I don't have a hair-washing/drying issue, and minus any eating or getting sucked into an internet void, I usually can be ready from waking up in about 30 minutes. Although once last summer I overslept and got ready in 7.

Mira

@professionalmess Oh, yeah, I should have clarified my 30-40 minutes was everything that happens between waking up and leaving the house, including finding something to wear and doing something vaguely presentable with my hair. (I also shower at night!) That's for a typical workday, not just going out for groceries or whatever. It still feels like too long, but I guess I feel better now that I know Jane Pratt's college (COLLEGE!) beauty routine took three hours. I don't think I even owned mascara in college.

bunB

@KeLynn Agreed- Once I'm out of the shower and dressed, it takes me about 30 minutes for skincare (5 minutes), makeup (5-10 minutes), hair blow drying (10-15 minutes), and miscellaneous primping (0-10 minutes depending on how focused I am that morning).

Hellcat

@bunB You are all my people! I'm also a shower at night/fast get-ready type and I feel like I come out of it OK, even if I do end up having to take an implement of some kind to my bedhead. What trips me up more is the clothes-picking (and the finding of tights without a damn hole in them that I swear was not there before), but I can still get up, do what I need to, and get out in about 40 minutes.

parallel-lines

This is not the first Jane Pratt venture that I cannot shit talk on facebook because my friends are involved.

None of them last long. That parody of Jane Pratt on Girls is not far off and the money is terrible.

anachronistique

@parallel-lines I always go back to the parody on Daria. Mean teens!

Ellie

On a different note, I am soooooo sick of people telling those who prefer to straighten their hair that they actually look better with the natural hair, are doing it wrong, are totally wrong about how they feel about their own appearance, are damaging their hair irreparably, etc. YOU don't have to live with it. Yes, it takes a really long time, and isn't as good for my hair as not straightening it would be, but I really prefer it and it's MY HAIR, not yours. Also, and I know this sounds ridiculous, I am sensory sensitive and needing to straighten my hair is a huge part of that for me. I would be totally miserable if I couldn't.

null

WORD. Straightening actually saves me a lot of time, otherwise I'd have to wash my hair every morning, wait for it to dry, and pray it behaves (l o l). I definitely think she's doing it too much, though. I straighten twice a week, wash every third day and try to have a natural day to give it a break. My hair is longer than hers and it only takes me a half hour, max.

sophia_h

@Ellie It really depends on what the hair is like and what it *could* look like if the person tried a different method. Obviously some people have hair that's closer to straight so pushing it in that direction works best, but if the owner of the hair is spending hours a week straightening it and still isn't happy with the results, that's when people suggest the much lower-maintenance curly girl methods, especially if the person is basing their "I hate my natural hair!" based on never having seen it taken care of that way. So many of us have discovered we had great hair and never knew it before.

Also, most people who get evangelical about natural hair methods have grown up feeling ugly in a straight-haired world and only now love their hair, which is why they want to help other people feel the same way.

sophia_h

@sophia_h But! Nobody should be pushy or rude about it, I agree.

synchronized
synchronized

@Ellie Thank you for articulating this so well! You make excellent points, and I'm going to refer to this thread the next time someone tells me I should quit straightening my hair and just walk around with a not-quite-wavy, not-quite-curly mass of frizz that resists all attempts at taming.

If others like their natural hair, that's lovely. But mine just drives me nuts most days.

MilesofMountains

"Perfume is lame so I'm going to lather on really strongly scented beauty products created by the exact same people who mix the perfume because that's not like wearing perfume at all, the way those lame sorority girls and finance bros do."

StLAmy

Huh, our smut filter at work won't let me access xoVain. This always makes me want to visit a website even more.

KeLynn

@StLAmy There is a rather chesty photo at the top right now, I'm at work and as soon as I opened it I had to shut it down because it was kind of NSFW.

A. Louise

@StLAmy all of the titles of the posts are strangely sexual too -

"You, Too, Can Date A Foot Fetishist Even If You Have Horrifying Toenails"

"Give Yourself A Handjob: Outline Nails"

"Five Days Of Tent-Pitching Pigtails: Day One"

WHY? Why do all of my limbs and hairstyles have to be cosmo-cringeworthy and arousing?

queenofbithynia

@A. Louise yeah but over on the main site, the articles are all like "cunnilingus: no fun, right?" and "intercourse: who likes it? nobody!" and so on, so you got to get your thrills somewhere else I guess.

Ellie

After xoJane, I am now seriously wondering if reading Jane magazine during the formative years of 13-17 somehow influenced me into my current state where despite, I think, having really high self-esteem, I nevertheless use how many men I can get to sleep with me as the ultimate yardstick of self-worth. Because I kind of think that's the message they are sending?

fabel

@A. Louise Tent-pitching pigtails?

Like, pigtails that will give boners to the penis'd? Why? Why would that even happen?

A. Louise

@fabel I kid you not - and then the subtitle goes on to say: "If you aren’t creeped out by guys who are turned on by pigtails, give these classic tent-pitchers a try."

WHAT. (http://www.xovain.com/hair/sexy-pigtails-cowgirl-braids)

I kind of want to come back to see days 2-5. If at least one of the options isn't vaguely phallic looking, I will be so bummed.

fabel

@A. Louise OH OH & then people in the comments are calling the author out on the "toddlers are effin' hot" line, & she responds by being like "JOKE, I made a joke?? duh!"

Like, I don't even. I don't want to even form an intelligent opinion on this whole thing, I just want to shout out ridiculous snippets from that whole post at each other & balk.

A. Louise

@fabel I was going to throw the Mason Disick thing in there but I was so incensed about terrible the whole thing that I just scoffed at my computer. I can't believe it's on the internet. I mean, I can, but I don't want to.

hallelujah

@Ellie WHOA. You totally just solved my "how did I get here?" mystery.

par_parenthese

@A. Louise TENT. PITCHING. PIGTAILS.

Try out these hairstyles if you want men who are attracted to infantilization to get boners looking at you WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

bluebears

I guess someone finally realized how lucrative shilling beauty products to young women is? But in a "totally cool" voice. Like Jane and Co are just like you guys! ZZZZZZZZZZOMG! I spent SO much money on X but I can't help it it just makes me feel GOOD! And that's what it's all about, feeling GOOD about yourself. (for a very substantial monthly investment)

Bootsandcats

@bluebears I read "I spent SO much money on X" as "I spent SO much money on Ecstasy", which made the rest of the comment delightful.

Products are basically a less efficient version of actually tricking your brain into happiness, right?

Miss Maszkerádi

@bluebears Especially when most of the comments on most of the articles are all "WELL I'M SORRY THAT I"M NOT AS PRIVILEGED AS YOU YOU IGNORANT TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY." Like, we're going to contort ourselves into rhetorical pretzels apologizing for every possible kind of privilege except having enough money to blow sixty bucks on a fucking lipstick.

Mira

@Bootsandcats No, that's only the Cat Marnell articles.

(too soon?)

bluebears

@Bootsandcats Ha. I would read THAT blog.

fondue with cheddar

xoVain, you probably think this song is about you.

Clara Morena

I just discovered Xo jane yesterday! Also the Mexican products and not a single mention of "Latin/Hispanic" version of Nivea?
Or Maja?
NOOOO

Olivia2.0

Also, I hope Jane is paying Cat royalities for basically just pimping out her (questionable) writing style to other beauty writers. For instance, this article http://www.xovain.com/skin/best-eczema-creams is CALLED I don't shoot up I just have eczema.
.................I HAVE ECZEMA AND IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SHOOTING UP. IT LOOKS LIKE ECZEMA.

I love a drug reference as much as the next gal but......stop it. Please.

D.@twitter

@Olivia2.0 Right? Day 1, and they've already referenced incest, porn, and heavy drug use. Where to go from here?

bunB

Speaking of Janes and beauty, where is Jane Marie lately?

Ellie

@bunB I know where she was recently! Sneak appearance on This American Life interviewing kids at an LA college! I recognized her voice and was all "JAAAAANE!" and then listened for her name in the credits.

formergr

@bunB Ah, that was her?! I was just listening to the TAL this morning on Stitcher while jogging-- the Coincidences show, right? It was a good one, and I loved that she said the producers saved all the stories for her as a surprise, so hence the unprofessional giggling. The giggling is what made it great!

PomoFrannyGlass

@bunB I mean, when I have a beauty question or need a new product I just look up what Jane Marie said about it here. Sorry, Jane Pratt, you're not up to snuff.

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