The Bestworst Guy

Please help me get over the Best/Worst guy possible. The worst: He was my boss. He is essentially married, and cheats prolifically on his lady, taking many mistresses. I was one. He might be involved in illegal activities. He is pretty bad news. He is what my mami would call amujerigo. He might be a sociopath.

The best: he has a gold tooth. He rings a metaphorical bell near his head when he hears a Calle 13 lyric he loves. He reads everything. He puts me on his lap and lets me use the wheel while he uses the pedals. He can cook. He makes me feel de-fucking-lightful. Listen, I don’t know if you get it, but this guy is lady crack. He raps in Spanish and French and is fearless and hilarious and amoral. He tells me I smell like sweet milk. He was raised on a farm. He’s big and beautiful and broad. He might be the most alive motherfucker I’ve ever met.

All right, A Lady, this cat isn’t going to leave his girlfriend for me, and I obviously can’t get him out of my head. I’m haunted. It was probably worth the freaking MINDBLOWING memories.

Any suggestions? I’m like a sick person over here.

I think the source of the confusion is that you have been misinformed about the identity of the Best/Worst guy. The Best/Worst guy lives in the late ’90s and is an 18-year-old DJ with beautiful forearms (like boy forearms always are, I now know, having been instructed by his) covered with a tawny tangle of hair on one side and worm-colored track marks on the other. That was a scattered few weeks half a lifetime ago and either he or his then-best friend is dead (I hear differerent things from different acquaintances) and while I don’t find myself smoking cigarettes on rooftops at dawn very often anymore, whenever I do, I think about giving him HJs. Let someone with a slower burn bite your earlobes. Quit that job. Good call on the memories, it sounds like you have this one mostly figured out.

NB: I am not messing with anyone, I think people get guidance when their stories speak to other stories.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

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