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Monday, March 11, 2013

354

The Bestworst Guy

Please help me get over the Best/Worst guy possible. The worst: He was my boss. He is essentially married, and cheats prolifically on his lady, taking many mistresses. I was one. He might be involved in illegal activities. He is pretty bad news. He is what my mami would call amujerigo. He might be a sociopath.

The best: he has a gold tooth. He rings a metaphorical bell near his head when he hears a Calle 13 lyric he loves. He reads everything. He puts me on his lap and lets me use the wheel while he uses the pedals. He can cook. He makes me feel de-fucking-lightful. Listen, I don't know if you get it, but this guy is lady crack. He raps in Spanish and French and is fearless and hilarious and amoral. He tells me I smell like sweet milk. He was raised on a farm. He's big and beautiful and broad. He might be the most alive motherfucker I've ever met.

All right, A Lady, this cat isn't going to leave his girlfriend for me, and I obviously can't get him out of my head. I'm haunted. It was probably worth the freaking MINDBLOWING memories.

Any suggestions? I'm like a sick person over here.

I think the source of the confusion is that you have been misinformed about the identity of the Best/Worst guy. The Best/Worst guy lives in the late '90s and is an 18-year-old DJ with beautiful forearms (like boy forearms always are, I now know, having been instructed by his) covered with a tawny tangle of hair on one side and worm-colored track marks on the other. That was a scattered few weeks half a lifetime ago and either he or his then-best friend is dead (I hear differerent things from different acquaintances) and while I don't find myself smoking cigarettes on rooftops at dawn very often anymore, whenever I do, I think about giving him HJs. Let someone with a slower burn bite your earlobes. Quit that job. Good call on the memories, it sounds like you have this one mostly figured out.

NB: I am not messing with anyone, I think people get guidance when their stories speak to other stories.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

354 Comments / Post A Comment

katiemcgillicuddy

I love that somehow "The best" part started with, "he has a gold tooth".

FulanaDeTallcan

@katiemcgillicuddy As lightweight ashamed as I am to admit it, for those of us who get boners for "bien callejero" dudes this totally makes sense. :/

katiemcgillicuddy

@FulanaDeTallcan Oh, I get it. I've got my own version of bestworst guy that may be different (a bit like A Lady's, actually), but probably just as bad. I just had to laugh a little that of everything on her "best" list, she started with that.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@katiemcgillicuddy
Step 1: gold tooth
Step 2: ???
Step 3: success with ladies!

BRB out getting a gold tooth.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll The first thing I think of is Harry in "Home Alone". So maybe that's my problem.

zamboni

@katiemcgillicuddy I don't want to alarm you, LW, but do you think you might be a magpie?

stuffisthings

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Too late, all of the former Soviet Union already tried that. Even with the fake leather jacket and fur hat it doesn't usually work.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@stuffisthings
"One night, we stayed up until dawn, telling each other about our 5-year plans."

katiemcgillicuddy

@stuffisthings Edited because I'm a moron.

KarimBen@twitter

@katiemcgillicuddy Love my job, since I've been bringing in $5600… I sit at home, music playing while I work in front of my new iMac that I got now that I'm making it online.(Click Home information)
http://goo.gl/w9bwV

PatatasBravas

KarimBen is just a worstworst guy. Somebody block this mofo.

katiemcgillicuddy

@KarimBen@twitter I dunno, earlier, someone told me their best-friend's sister's cousin's butcher got a chance to earn $9836 this-last/5 weeks and a little over ten-k next-month. it's certainly the nicest-job they have ever had!!1 I actually started 8-months ago and right away started making a nice at least $84, per-hour. I follow this website http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/32048987.jpg

FulanaDeTallcan

Intensity is not the same as intimacy. Intensity is not the same as intimacy. Intensity is not the same as intimacy. -Some lady who wrote an article on the internet that my friend forwarded to me when I was dating another bestworst dude. I repeat it over and over again like a prayer whenever I am tempted to do some shit like this again, and somehow ever since I've stumbled my way into some pretty good relationships... Unless I ever get to the opportunity to kick the shit outta my psyche and twist my heart into knots with Residente from Calle 13. Then it's whatever.

themlemons

@FulanaDeTallcan Thanks for this! An excellent thing to repeat over and over again on bad days.

par_parenthese

@FulanaDeTallcan YES.

samuraihellkitty

@FulanaDeTallcan I wish I could time travel back to the '00s just to give myself that awesome piece of advice. It would have spared me a lot of heartache.

Mila

@FulanaDeTallcan Haha! I distinctly remember writing to a friend when I started dating my husband that "it wasn't as intense" as the the last few [total shitheads] I dated, so I wasn't sure if he was really right for me. So what I am saying is some lady who wrote an article on the internet is SO, SO right! Thank god I got over the intensity rush, and found a greater intensity on the other side.

null

WHYYYY IS THIS LESSON SUCH A HARD ONE TO LEARN.

Filthyknitter

@FulcanaDeTallcan Thank you - I am filing this next to "Sex is what you make it - nothing more, nothing less" in my Mental List of Things I Wish I'd Known at Age 18. Come to think of it, the above was advice given to me by a BestWorst Guy (Best: 20 yrs older than me, married, Scottish / Worst: 20 yrs older than me, married)

anniemac

@FulanaDeTallcan AHA! Thank you for this. This explains a lot about a past toxic (but addictive and intense!) and current wonderful and healthy (very much intimate, not so intense) relationship. It all makes sense now.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

The following sentence made me think this letter was written by a child with a smart mouth: "He puts me on his lap and lets me use the wheel while he uses the pedals."

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@OhMyGoshYouGuys

Aaaah, you beat me to it!

parallel-lines

@OhMyGoshYouGuys That would explain why she smells like milk (just sayin')

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@parallel-lines
And he would know! He was raised on a farm!

(?)

BRB out being raised on a farm.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@parallel-lines Impressive vocabulary, too. She sounds really precocious, but I don't think her "mami" would like her using the F-word like that.Or the fact that she's dating a married dude.

H.E. Ladypants

@OhMyGoshYouGuys That sentence cued me into the fact that this was 100% written by a short lady. For a tall lady like me that sounds like absolutely nothing but intensely uncomfortable. Also the dude would not be able to see.

Bittersweet

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll My husband was actually raised on a farm. This makes him so sexy to me that I don't bemoan the lack of gold teeth, sociopathy or foreign language rapping.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Bittersweet
I was raised next to a farm, does that count??

thebestjasmine

@H.E. Ladypants Oh man please do not blaspheme short ladies like this. I am a short lady and I find the idea of this repulsive. (I'm also over 18, so maybe that's why?) BUT SERIOUSLY.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@thebestjasmine
What if he was amoral, though? I bet you'd sit on his lap if he was amoral.

Verity

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Or George Michael Bluth?

@thebestjasmine I am a short lady, and am not into this idea at all. I can only imagine thinking the whole time, "we're going to crash, and also I am crushing his legs and look ridiculous".

Inkling

@thebestjasmine
Yeah, I thought she was going to go into a relationship with her bestworst father? That with the milk smell and the farm reference made me think of childhood.

chillizabeth

@OhMyGoshYouGuys - As a Very Tall Lady myself, thank you for explaining that. I was envisioning his car was like Hummer-sized to have a roof high enough for that? On second thought, he might drive a Hummer.

Spooky Behaviour

@OhMyGoshYouGuys I thought it was an euphemism? And a confusing euphemism at that.

H.E. Ladypants

@thebestjasmine Oh no, I meant physically uncomfortable. Like, there's no way we'd both fit in the driver's seat uncomfortable. Like I would be bending over and hurting my neck uncomfortable.

I never meant all short ladies like to be treated like little girls. Like, not even a little!

adorable-eggplant

Perfect.

PistolPackinMama

@adorable-eggplant I KNOW RIGHT?!?! It is perfect.

This right here is SO TRUE: "I think people get guidance when their stories speak to other stories."

And now I want everyone's bestworst stories.

Lili B.

@PistolPackinMama This is why the 'pin is so amazing, because everyone introduces their stories to everyone else's stories and then they all get drunk together and stay up till four in the morning spilling their guts, metaphorically.

PistolPackinMama

@Lili B. The world is just full of people whose lives, when they tell the stories, are so, so amazing. I love it.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@adorable-eggplant Mine would out me to any lurking friends, but I will say that his bedroom had wall to wall mirrors and a gun in it.

He was more of a worstworst.

cei-face

@TheclaAndTheSeals ...Patrick Bateman?

Bittersweet

He is like lady crack, you say? Hmm...almost everything you've written about him makes me want to run screaming from the room. A Lady is right - move on, and keep the memories. They might make a good book or short story someday.

iceberg

@Bittersweet Hey, one Lady's trash is another Lady's etc. No judgies!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@iceberg
...is another Lady's booster seat for driving a car!

yunkstahn

@Bittersweet Whew, I'm not the only one who finds the description of the dude completely unappealing. (I'm always worried that somehow I'm less of a lady because the arrogant/charming bad boy does nothing for me--like he does for so many other ladies.)

The guy does sound like a real character, though, and those can be entertaining to observe.

wee_ramekin

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Hahaha, you are killing it on this thread.

Bittersweet

@iceberg No, hey, whatever works for her. I'm not trying to be judgmental (she said in a judgmental voice). I'm not sure the sociopath part is a good thing for any relationship, though.

Verity

@yunkstahn Nope, not just you. I do not get the bad boy thing at all.

par_parenthese

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Seriously just snorted bourbon out my nose. OUCH.

Blushingflwr

@Verity @yunkstah - Nope, me either. I used to be a sucker for a wounded puppy dog, but I've never been a fan of bad boys.

Mila

@Verity As someone who dated my share of "bad boys" I am trying to think of what the appeal was. First, it wasn't so much that they were bad boys, because there were plenty of bad boys I just thought were losers. It was that they were so charismatic that it made me overlook the giant red flags. Second, it was sort of exciting that I found myself doing things that play-it-safe me would never have otherwise done. Sometimes we want someone to be the person to push us out of our comfort zone. I certainly have lots of amusing stories from my bad boy days, now that I am happily married to a very nice guy.

Bitterblue

@Mila Perhaps it's not so much that they are bad, as they are so charismatic they can get away with not being good? So they don't bother. /speculation

werewolfbarmitzvah

Dudes like these are the human equivalent of hard drugs, and you have to fix the situation the same way you would fix a drug addiction. CUT IT OFF COLD. Leave that job and don't ever communicate with him again, and you'll have maybe 6 months to a year of suffering, but eventually you'll hit a point where you can look back and go, "ZOMG, whatta mess that was. Thank god I made it out alive."

iceberg

@werewolfbarmitzvah yep, cold turkey is the only way. you need time and distance to harden against charms.

theharpoon

@werewolfbarmitzvah I think everyone is ignoring an important angle here: what kind of job is this??? I have never had a job where a man like this would be my boss, and the idea intrigues me.

Anna Kate@twitter

@theharpoon Sounds like a creative director at an ad agency.

RubeksCube

@Anna Kate@twitter Soooo...Don Draper?

iceberg

@theharpoon I'm gonna guess chef. Or they're bartenders.

LeafySeaDragon

@RubeksCube i HATE mad men. i watched half of season one and walked away, do draper is an ASSHOLE

RubeksCube

@LeafySeaDragon It's strange - I agree, he's a total Ass With a Capital A, but I still find the show somehow compelling?? It's uncomfortable in a lot of ways to see what society was like, especially for women, at that point, so I totally understand the hate for it, and my friends and I are all split down the middle.
I think maybe I just like staring at John Hamm. And I always lust after Christina Hendricks' wardrobe, so there's that, too.

LeafySeaDragon

@RubeksCube i get it, and i know so mnay people love it, it was just painful for me to watch. i hate a lot of the same things about sons of anarchy (unnngggh the misogony) i still watch it obsessivley? it's just more palatable for my particular quirks.

aphrabean

@iceberg I was definitely thinking restaurant world, for sure.

RubeksCube

@LeafySeaDragon Oh definitely (I actually gave up on Mad Men after this past season...ah well). But in general, I think, Bikers > Ad Execs...

Euphonica Jarre

@werewolfbarmitzvah Bob? http://thehairpin.com/2012/01/ask-a-married-dude-bob-and-eli

Kulojam

@LeafySeaDragon oh, hallelujah, i'm not alone. I thought I was the only person who couldn't get through more than 4 episodes of season 1. I just hated it.

TheBelleWitch

Can we all just agree to be intensely skeptical of charming people? (Or in this case "charming" because the descriptions of both these guys make me want to set myself on fire ala Lucille Bluth.)

leonstj

@TheBelleWitch - BRB adding that advice to my OKC cupid profile.

Daisy Razor

@TheBelleWitch The first guy I ever crushed on instilled in me a lifelong distrust of charming people. It's the only good thing I got out of that crush.

Verity

@TheBelleWitch I wish I could like this more than once.

lenka_V

@TheBelleWitch, Daisy Razor The last guy I crushed on has caused me to distrust charming people. Ugh, charm.

cminor

@TheBelleWitch Charming men are my best/worst guy.

Vicky

He puts me on his lap and lets me use the wheel while he uses the pedals. Is this a metaphor I'm missing or just a tremendously stupid thing to do?

parallel-lines

@Vicky Is he a munchkin?

rosaline

@parallel-lines Is she?

meetapossum

@Vicky I've been trying to figure out how this works. Is she extremely tiny? How does she fit? Like, sitting sideways on his lap? Surely this is really dangerous?

katiemcgillicuddy

@parallel-lines Oh, maybe that's it, it's like when the Lil Rascals pull the "totem pole trench".

Jinxie

@meetapossum Back when I was Wee Jinxie, my pop used to do this sometimes, if it were just the two of us in the car and we were on backroads. It was probably an incredibly stupid thing to do but I didn't know any better at the time (though Pop should've, I guess?) - I just thought it was both scary as hell and tremendously fun and at tight now the thought of doing anything with a Dude that I did as an innocent child with my dad is giving me an anti-lady boner.

Inkling

@Jinxie
I KNOW, IT'S TOTALLY A DAD THING. Even then it'd be like maybe on the farm hauling firewood, not on the roads.

nyikint

@Vicky He's basically infantilizing this lady while having his cock rub against her ass.

EggsErroneous

@Vicky I paused there too and thought, oh, must be a bicycle...but it didn't seem to match the character sketch.

LW (magpie)

@Vicky Tremendously, tremendously stupid. And oddly, not terribly uncomfortable. Besides the cock on my ass.

TARDIStime

@nyikint

:O D: :(((((

fabel

Oh, did I have a bestworst guy. Sigh.

If you don't mind intentionally mind-fucking yourself a bit, try to actually cling tight to that idea that he's "might be a sociopath." So, no maybe about it! He's a sociopath. Just keep saying that to yourself. All those oh my fucking god, beeesssstttt things are just him attempting to make up for his lack of humanity.

There will be several times after you convince yourself of his sociopathic-ness where you go, "Wait. What if I got him all wrong?" but don't entertain that notion. Train yourself to go right back to, "Eh, nope. Definitely a narcissistic, doesn't-care-about-anyone-else-except-what-he-can-hope-to-gain-from-them sociopath asshole. And I don't wanna be associated with that! Because he'll bleed me dry!"

It's exhausting, but that's kind of how you do it (read: how I did it, basically)

hamiltonshotfirst

@fabel What finally (FINALLY) worked for me was "but what if he were doing this to my best friend / baby sister / hypothetical future daughter instead?" Which you'd think would be an intuitive reality check, but wasn't, for the longest time.

The first thing that came to mind was arson.

iceberg

@hamiltonshotfirst Ooh this is good.

parallel-lines

This lady is either dating Junot Diaz or this is Junot Diaz pretending to be a lady and catfishing the everloving crap outta us.

travelmugs

@parallel-lines Aww, it's just "literary voice Junot," not IRL Junot.

BoozinSusan

@travelmugs THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT, TOO. And I'm sorry, there appears to actually be little distinction between literary voice Junot and IRL Junot (@travelmugs, I'm guessing you've met him too?).

Tammy Pajamas

@BoozinSusan Please tell us Junot Diaz stories!!! I love him! (but maybe I shouldn't?)

Pheen

@parallel-lines oh my god, if you live/work in boston, you'll see junot diaz around EVERYWHERE, and he doesn't try to be a nice guy if you approach him, but that's sort of why i love him?

also got into a facebook tiff with him once.

grizzle_bees

@parallel-lines Really? Have to look him up on FB now.

Ellie

@Pheen Now I feel left out because I have never run into Junot Diaz.

BoozinSusan

@Tammy Pajamas Yes, he is around Cambridge half the year because MIT, but my story is this: I hadn't heard glowing reviews about him bc a friend of mine (who is Black and grew up penniless in South Carolina, and these details are relevant to this story) invited him to Yale to speak many moons ago, whereupon JD proceeded to lecture everyone there about how privileged they are and how they don't know hardship. My friend was like, "Are you kidding me? Assume much?" He was NOT a fan of his after that. He also complained that JD makes EVERYTHING about race and about difference, never about commonality among people of different races, which I found to be very true in the few hours I spent with him.

When I met him with two girlfriends of mine at a book signing, he invited us to dinner. They are both women of color, and at the signing he talked to them exclusively, like old friends (calling one of them "mi negra" which kind of caught her off-guard), and totally ignored me. That was a bit disappointing, but onto dinner. One of my friends, a beautiful Brazilian, brought him a book as a gift. He kind of shoved it aside. When we weren't even finished eating, he took a phone call and said, "Yeah, I'm done here. See you in five," right in front of us. After he left, my other friend surmised that he'd really just wanted to eat with our beautiful Brazilian friend and that's why he was odd at dinner.

And lo, the next day, my Brazilian friend gets an email about how good she looked, etc etc, and when she asked him later whether he liked the book he said, "God, forget about the book already" <_< (like they have larger, sexier fish to fry). This after he'd talked about his gf at dinner.

Truthiness compels me to also say that he was, largely, a friendly guy at dinner and I did enjoy a lot of our conversation, and he paid (MacArthur Prize FTW). I also love all of his interviews beyond reason and count "Drown" as one of the best books I've ever read, but from the Q&A at the signing and observing his behavior, I would definitely say that there is little air between his Don Juan character Yunior and Diaz himself.

And I hope he never reads this.

parallel-lines

@BoozinSusan Reading "This Is How You Lose Her" made me think the dude probably has a pretty serious juicebox streak.

BoozinSusan

@parallel-lines Yeah, he is a very strange bird. His charm level is off the charts, probably to compensate for other stuff?

Tammy Pajamas

@BoozinSusan Wow! Thanks for that! I think @parallel-lines is probably right, but I still can't help but love him (while reminding myself repeatedly never to fall for anyone like that). Ugh! But his writing! I love his work so much.
It's interesting that he clearly knows what he *should* be doing, yet (apparently) keeps falling into that same pattern of behavior. I also hope he doesn't read this, but now feel like somehow he will and would be both tickled and horrified if he started commenting.

Pheen

@BoozinSusan

oh man, i've never been out to dinner with junot diaz, or even had a prolonged conversation with him in person, but your account totally squares with my impression of him, especially how he interacts with women.

so my story is that i liked his public facebook page, which he updates constantly with political/sociological commentary. before election day, he constantly posted status updates or whatever about how disappointing obama was in letting the race get as close as it did at one point, and i replied saying that he was doing his best to close the enthusiasm gap, then. he DID NOT like that, and we sort of had this exhilarating/terrifying back and forth about it.

then i actually saw him in cambridge on election night and had my friend introduce me to him. all he said to me was "hi, thank you," and then went back to talking to his friends. i kind of loved it, because i felt silly about approaching him just to say that i was a fan, so i appreciated that he didn't even pretend to be interested in me beyond a polite acknowledgment.

BoozinSusan

@Pheen When you say he didn't like that, did he message you personally to debate? I've been on his FB page and gotten all his updates and I don't remember him replying to any commenter! Kind of wish I'd seen it!

Pheen

@BoozinSusan no, he would just add to the comment thread and tag my name in it. i have a theory that he doesn't reply to comments in which people are agreeing with him, and that he replied to mine because he wanted to defend/clarify his stance, and was typically blunt about it.

TARDIStime

@BoozinSusan Your whole story is awesome
@everyone on this thread, you are making my day!

RK Fire

@BoozinSusan Man, that beats my Junot Diaz story. A grad school friend of mine is one of the most beautiful women I've ever known, and she's Dominican and from Massachusetts. One day she updated her FB profile and I see a comment from Junot Diaz saying "DAMN GIRL."

...

That's all I got. And in Diaz's defense, she is definitely hot.. and brilliant and artistically talented.

mochi

@parallel-lines I saw him at a small local writer's festival. He spoke later on in the evening and slammed everyone that came on before him for taking to long and not being entertaining enough. You could tell that there was a lot of excitement around having this big-time writer there, and then he got in front of them all and told them that they sucked. I don't expect all talented people to be nice but just the same I did not wait around to get my book signed after that.

Megasus

Half the best attributes are actually worst.

Also this guy sucks, and you should be mad that he treats you and numerous other women this way.

iceberg

@Megasus I think her brain knows that he's the worst, she just wants to know how to get her heart/vagina to realize it too.

Megasus

@iceberg Yeah, being pissed at him on behalf of all the women he has/will do this too and also feeling really bad for his poor girlfriend is a pretty good stop. At least for me. There is no getting in my heart/vagina once I've decided to hate you.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I...I don't understand the driving thing. Is that a suave thing to do? I'm not judging, I'm just adjusting my worldview with this new info.

gobblegirl

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I think the lady is a wee bit of a thrillseeker. A thrillseeker who likes gold teeth, apparently.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@gobblegirl
...and is betting that she'll be around when he gets killed so she can take that tooth right out of his mouth and down to the place with the 'Compramos Oro' sign!

bocadelperro

I had a bestworst guy when I was a teenager.

He had shaggy brown/blonde hair and pretty green eyes and he was slender and had that muscles blossoming under leftover baby fat thing. He had lived for a while in northern scotland as a kid and told me stories about having to break the ice on the water bucket to feed the sheep. He was a drug dealer and he gave me LSD and cocaine and we watched crazy Italian movies. He was so smooth and I was head over heels even though he'd stand me up all the time.

He almost murdered me one night when he lost his temper.

travelmugs

@bocadelperro This all sounds like a Skins subplot! I'm glad you got out!

bocadelperro

@travelmugs I have never watched skins, but, yeah I guess the way I summed it up it does sound like the plot of a teenage soap opera. But it really happened, and it was way less glamorous in person.

up cubed

@travelmugs UK SKINSssss. I loved and was scared of/for the kids at the same time.

dabbyfanny

@bocadelperro I suspect that there is a higher incidence of best/ worst men in Scotland than ANYWHERE else in the world. They are charming and fucked up.*

*enormous generalization based on many years of observation.

Verity

@upupandaway I was around the same age as the kids on Skins when it first came out, and just found myself thinking "NOBODY IS LIKE THIS. And I hate them all".

rayray

@Verity I too was the same age as the first Skins kids (well, a couple of years older, but)! And I grew up in Bristol and used to get annoyed at the mind-bending journeys they'd take through the city that didn't join up or make sense.

trappedinabay

@dabbyfanny "It's shite being Scottish!"

Filthyknitter

@dabbyfanny ref higher incidence of best/worst men in Scotland - YES. Seconded, thirded and fourthed.

leonstj

Hmmm...I kind feel like dating a bestworst person at some point in your life is really helpful?

Like, obviously it sucks when you start going into work half an hour late with only two hours of sleep in your, four re-entry stamps on your wrist, still maybe a little bit drunk. It sucks when your friends are JUST TRYING TO RUIN the awesome, passionate, insane time you are having which they are just trying to sabotage because they are jealous (you tell yourself). Crazy people also sometimes straight up steal your shit, and you somehow rationalize it out, which, come on, that's insane.

But I don't think I would be capable of having sane, stable relationships without some of the bat-shit ones in my past - not saying everyone is how I am, but some of us just...we're like moths to the flame, and if we never get burnt once, we won't know from the memory of pain that being warm & cozy & a reasonable distance from combustion beats dancing in the flame, cuz the flame is (I mean, to me at least, and I feel like a lot of people, even responsible buttoned down ones) sexy as a motherfucker.

So relish your time w/ crazy, and then move on. You sound like you're on the right path already.

Better to Eat You With

@leon s I've always said everybody should have a year they're amazed to have lived through. I think this is what I meant.

wee_ramekin

@Better to Eat You With

Oh, hello 2009-2010.

fondue with cheddar

@leon s Ah, stealing. I dated a guy who stole checks from me and write them out to himself. And the cops couldn't do anything about it because he'd given me a false name. Man, was I stupid at 21.

up cubed

@leon s I know I keep bringing her up, but that TED sex therapist lady nailed this (roughly) "what turns us on in the bedroom is what we protest outside it"

Daisy Razor

@Better to Eat You With I don't know. I have a few friends who didn't live through that year, and I still haven't really forgiven them for it.

dtowngirl

@leon s

"though i do wonder
why you intrigue me
I recognize that an exceptional moth
is always drawn
to an exceptional flame

...

flames don't flicker
forever
and moths are born to be burned"

poem (for EMA) -- Nikki Giovanni. I recommend everyone go read the whole thing!

Verity

@leon s It just sounds so tiring! I don't know, maybe it's because I spent my childhood/teenage years reading rather than doing anything else, but I feel I had seen enough of that second-hand in books for it not to appeal at all, and to emphatically want the warm and cosy thing instead.

katiemcgillicuddy

@upupandaway Is there a link you can provide? I tried a few random Google searches, to no avail, and while I've read a number of other things that have touched on this, I would love to read/see a TED talk regarding it.

cminor

@upupandaway I've recently discovered that the nice quiet systems engineer I'm dating has a pretty strong kink. It's exciting to have both.

up cubed

@katiemcgillicuddy http://thehairpin.com/2013/02/security-vs-surprise

swirrlygrrl

@cminor Sounds like a keeper!!

katiemcgillicuddy

@upupandaway Thanks!

khaleesi

He's really not the best guy sweetheart and some part of you knows that. If he was the best guy, he wouldn't be cheating on his girlfriend with you and a bunch of other women. You need to get a new job, and cut contact off with him completely. This kind of guy is great for a fling, you get a bunch of good stories out of him and look back on him years down the line and think 'Oh he was fun'. But you don't give him your heart. Because this kind of guy? He has no idea what to do with it. He lives for the good times, the highs and the excitement. He's not the kind of guy you end up growing old with and who looks after you. That's the best kind of guy. And who knows you might be young and not ready to settle down. If that's the case then yeah this guy was fun but now that you're getting in too deep, think a part of you knows you have to cut and run.

.abbey

No the best worst guy was a graffiti artist with scars on his face that he only half answered questions about and perfect soft skin the colour of peach in the gap between his skinny jeans and his tshirt. He drew your names in silver spray paint on the gates to a factory and once his girlfriend threw a glass bottle at your head at a club. When you were together he turned his phone off so you two could "be really alone together" but sometimes he forgot and you'd see the missed calls from the girl he'd been supposed to see that night. He liked silk underwear so you bought silk bras in every colour and it was an electric blue one you were wearing in bed the night he left you. You thought he was perfect and loved his chipped teeth but for some reason whenever your friends met him they thought he was boring and didn't like the way he knew everyone in every club and always had cocaine in his pocket and spray paint on his finger tips and his fixie bike chain around shoulders. They didn't seem to get that that was every girl's dream.

And now you live thousands of miles away and that was years ago and last you heard he is still charming much younger girls by stealing them drinks in bars and cheating on his girlfriend and that gate got painted over and actually you don't even like cocaine or deep house or crying so much it felt like you might not stop and you wonder how you ever confused that feeling with that of feeling alive.

iceberg

@.abbey this, my dear LW. This. (thank you for sharing, @.abbey)

aphrabean

@.abbey I really appreciate everyone who is sharing their Best/Worst Dudes. I get it! I get that a lot of people don't! But this all hit me so hard I laughed out loud at my desk. I probably have also been a Best/Worst Lady at one point in time which is. . . humbling. Therapy is really helpful, as is not drinking, and not being in my twenties. (For me, anyways.)

aphrabean

@aphrabean I might have been just the Worst? But I'd like to think they got at least something out of it.

Danzig!

@.abbey everybody likes deep house, actually

Danzig!

@.abbey also, very well done!

cminor

@aphrabean I was thinking about this yesterday. I think I was a best worst lady in my first relationship.

Non-anonymous

Imagine a man saying "Sure, she's selfish, dishonest, manipulative and cruel; but on the *best* side, she has really big tits!" Well, this letter is the genderswapped equivalent of that.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Britta Sorensen@facebook
One tit raps in French, the other raps in Spanish.

stonefruit

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Seriously dude, you are killing it today. Killing it dead.

Non-anonymous

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I'm not Britta Sorensen, in case that's important.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Non-anonymous
Yes, I saw that comment was deleted. The spam filter works in mysterious ways! But I think the joke stands?

@stonefruit
Aw, thanks!

Non-anonymous

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Sure! The best humorous replies work no matter what post they're replying to.

hallelujah

Jane once posted a mixtape by my bestworst dude on the 'Pin. It was TERRIBLE. Like, months later I am still furious my internet safe space was infiltrated.

franceschances

@hallelujah RIIICH??????

wee_ramekin

@franceschances Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich!

hallelujah

@franceschances I wish. RIIIIIICH!!!!!

EpWs

@franceschances WHERE THE HELL IS RIIIIIIICH

alannaofdoom

I mean... YMMV (and does vary, obviously) and not to criticize someone for her taste in men, but "amoral"? Come on now, that's a deal-breaker. Also the prolific cheating.

elizabeast

Have a friend change his name in your phone to something like "BAD IDEA" or "THIS GUY IS RUINING YOUR LIFE". Also have that same friend spam filter his email address for you. (Sometimes you just can't do it yourself!)

Unbelievably effective.

travelmugs

@elizabeast I made my roommate do this once to "666." It was something out of a horror movie.

nervousrobot

@elizabeast I changed a dude's name in my phone to "Seriously what is wrong with you."

It worked pretty good.

elizabeast

@nervousrobot Crazy Person Don't Answer called me on Monday night and I did not answer. I mean, how could I?

Princess Slaya

The bestworst guy lived my college city when I was 22. He was ridiculously hot and had brand marks on three different parts of his body from his college fraternity (including one of his glutes) though the one on his chest was the best. He graduated top in his school for Finance or something (incredibly boring) but then went to NYC and lived for a few years to work 90 hours a week on Wall Street and having relations with all sorts of rich wives. I imagined that they were all young hot trophy wives of his old male coworkers. Then he came back to my college city and met me and we had a whirlwind of the sez for three intense months of debauchery until I broke it off because I THINK HE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION TO ME AND I DO NOT GET DUMPED. He wore expensive jeans and sneakers and glasses with thick black rims and hung out at the indie dance clubs and I would see him after I ended it and be sad, but pretend to be happy and go home with someone else, and then I tried to get my skirt back from his condo and his sister was there and I think I was kind of a monster.

I saw him months later on the new year and though I had a date, he tried to take me home. I got to reject him and there has been no vengeance as sweet ever since.

I wonder where he is now.

fondue with cheddar

@Princess Slaya YES rejecting a dude who wronged you is The Best. I have had the opportunity to do this on two occasions. The one dude (who probably started seeing his new girlfriend before breaking up with me because that was his MO) was hitting on me in the bar, trying to get me to sleep with him because his girlfriend was a lousy lay...that was golden.

Princess Slayer

@Princess Slaya Hello, twin.

garli

Can we all (all of us who are past our best/worst guys) just have a moment of silence and be happy that what ever infected our brains at that point has since passed?

wee_ramekin

@garli Pourin' one out over here.

The tone of this letter was so frantic and intense and chaotic and swung so manically from one extreme to the other that I actually felt like I'd just been tsunami-d with a wall of crazy energy. It hit me right in my gut.

And as I was backing away slowly, I remembered that I was exactly like this with my bestworst person.

Wishing you clarity and some heat-proof shoes as you walk through this fire, LW.

E
E

I've had two or three best/worsts and six months after you are out of those for good, you realize all the bests were actually serious worsts and you will cringe like you do when you look back on how hard you rocked a side ponytail in the 80s.

Secondly I didn't see this anywhere above me in the comments, but bestworsts tend to be based around something you want for yourself and the fact that if he has it and has sex with you, you are worthy of the thing you want. I call it aspirational dating. If you want to live abroad but never left your state, you will be unable to resist the sexy foreigner. If you want to be known as a feisty intellectual, he'll quote Marx and use the word "ontological" in casual conversation. If you are a good girl who longs to be bad, he'll have mistresses and drive his car too fast and get too drunk, and let go in all the ways you can't quite bear to. I know all the ladies I know have one of these men- men who take whatever you want to have or be wayyy too far, so you can try it out. Then eventually you do those things for yourself and you don't need this guy anymore, and he's just a stupid guy you used to be crazy about.

Judith Slutler

@E This is so true.

Lili B.

@E this is exactly what I needed to read right now *high five*

Inkling

@E
Didn't get this mentality until you said that. Thank you for the eye-opener!

Chareth Cutestory

@E You are a genius.

dormilona

@E This! Perfect. I have my bestworst person that meet up with for a drink about once a year and even now I get moony about him for a couple days after. But then I remember the worst things about him and how I am happier now, and he was a good phase/experiment but one that couldn't go on for very long.

@Chareth Cutestory: loooovveee your name.

Ellie

@E YES! YES! YES! This is Girard's theory of mimetic desire! It explains ALL of my past attractions! And, I think, most people's! I will talk about it to anyone who will listen! So glad to see that you too have independently hit on it! Like, I wasn't really in love with that guy, I just wanted to be someone who smoked cigarettes and had a coke problem and listens to the Pixies. (I would still marry this guy if he showed up on my doorstep, in a heartbeat.) And, I don't really like this guy I like now, I just want to be a graduate student and smoke and drive a pickup truck. And so forth.

E
E

@Ellie I think it doesn't necessarily explain ALL attractions, but it explains a lot of the times when people fall madly for people who treat them poorly. Anytime you think that person is perfect, and you can't find any habits to chuckle about, because nothing they do is dorky or ridiculous and you just lose it when you think about them, that's the time to check yourself to see if you want them to be a certain person, to date a certain you.

I think this is also tied into the whole concept of "settling" somehow. Something about how our cultural storytelling values the wild highs and lows and perfect moments and such, over meeting a person that matches you and makes you happy, and you can stand to be around a lot. Elizabeth and Darcy vs Jane and Bingley. Crazy passionate lovemaking followed by romantic separation over regular sex 2-3 times a week, followed by taking out the recycling.

This all leads me to the thoughts about the many people I know who don't go on second dates because of missing chemistry, and yet everyone they ever have chemistry with is a flaming dirtbag.

The End. No conclusion, just scattered thoughts, I'm not really on Lori Gottlieb's side, but...there's SOMETHING there to be tracked down.

Ellie

@E Oh, yeah. There are a good number of very nice people who I've been attracted to in a wholesome, equal-footing type way, and didn't totally lose it for, and I think that that is not really in this area, but something different (like, normal human attraction). But these crazy passions that make you feel awful, but are simultaneously the most exciting thing you've ever experienced, I think are all mimetic desire.

joythemanatee

The only way I can make sense of the pedal and wheel thing is pottery. They are doing pottery together, a la Ghost.

Can you quit your job? Because cutting things off completely is the only way I think I could quit lady crack.... but in any case, it sounds like your head already knows things are no good for you, you just need your heart/vagina to catch up!

Jenny Cons

The best worst guy was 29 when you were 23 and that meant a lot at the time. Same year in grad school but so many life experiences. The best worst guy would charm you with stories of him time on a boat in Panama, tease and flirt, but not go home with you if your roommate was there because then other people might talk, and he just wanted to keep it from getting complicated. The best worst guy would be your best friend and get you to open up about all your childhood trauma, but then would get mad at you because he was also seeing someone else and she heard gossip. The best worst guy was the most beautiful man you have ever seen, a great friend, and a total asshole that you are happy to hear is single and hates his job.

NotBlairWaldorf

On the subject of bestworst guys..

I feel like when you're trying to get over someone you are told to tell yourself "he's a sociopath (asshole, loser, poor man's Nicolas Cage)" but what if he is a genuinely nice dude?

I dated a guy for two years who I was absolutely sure was the love of my life and when he broke up with me my friends tried going down the super negative route but it didn't help because its simply not true! Sometimes perfectly nice people just don't reciprocate feelings and it makes it super difficult to just *write off as evil* and move on.

Or am I doing this wrong?

H.E. Ladypants

@NotBlairWaldorf No, I don't think so. A while back a friend of mine was going through a particularly harsh break-up and he told me he was so tired of hearing people rag on his ex because, "if she was that bad and I dated her for two years- what does that say about me?"

I think a lot of people bag on exes because a) either they genuinely didn't like them and it's all pent up stuff coming out (it happens!) or b) some people get catharsis from demonizing people who hurt them and people are just trying to do that.

I'm pretty much the same as you. I usually don't think poorly of my exes so it doesn't do me much good to bag on someone I still respect. On the other hand, just because you still respect someone doesn't mean you don't still feel awful after a breakup. I think the trick is just finding other cathartic things to do.

catfoodandhairnets

@NotBlairWaldorf He's not a best/worst dude. Your friends are just trying to make you feel better. He's an ordinary dude, not quite as great as you think probably, but one that just wasn't right for you. I think it's good to remember when you're tempted to believe that he was the absolute perfect guy that he had one major flaw -- he wasn't in love with you. That's a pretty big flaw. You wouldn't want to share a home with that flaw.

NotBlairWaldorf

@catfoodandhairnets DOOD. Yeah. Yeaaaaah. Good way of thinking about it.

PatatasBravas

"poor man's Nicolas Cage" is a terrifying thought.

dabbyfanny

@PatatasBravas SERIOUSLY

par_parenthese

@PatatasBravas I... seriously had a visceral squick reaction to "poor man's Nicholas Cage."

Blushingflwr

@NotBlairWaldorf I hate the "oh, he was an asshole" line. Because if he was such a total asshole, then why was I dating him? And why didn't you stop me? I mean, I have dated some guys who were not winners, and at least one who was borderline emotionally abusive, but I've also dated some guys who were good people who taught me things about myself and the world. Sometimes they were fucked up emotionally, sometimes it was just not a good fit. I would rather look on the bright side of the happy memories and the good things that came out of the relationship (e.g. one of my ex-boyfriends was a rebound and a terrible match for me, but he introduced me to my current social circle, and I'm grateful for that, even though we didn't work out). Sometimes relationships just don't work out, and that's okay. It doesn't mean there's a bad guy, it just means it didn't work out. And that can still hurt you to your core even while you still respect the person.

(Of course, sometimes when you break up with someone and get distance you lose respect for them because your passion isn't blinding you to their flaws and you notice all the shitty things they did while you were together)

H.E. Ladypants

My BestWorst guy was an international correspondent 12 years my senior with a charming accent, cute dimples, and a phenomenal ability to get exceedingly drunk and then write all night.

I think the part of the issue with BestWorst guys is that you can tell yourself "even if this is horrible, it'll make a great story later."

But I'm not sure if they do. Lovers can make for wonderful stories and experiences that you look back on later and go, "Hell yes, that person was a wonderful way to spend that night/week/month/whatever. Let me tell you about this one time..." Those are the lovers where you're both conspiring against time or your ultimate incompatibility or whatever and delighting in your shared ability to make something temporary and magic happen together.

But BestWorst dudes aren't co-authoring that kind of story with you. BestWorst dudes are using you to fulfill some idea or you're using them to fit some kind of image of a dude that you have and like, that never turns into the kind of story where you flush a little and talk about that poetic moment in your life because it's all just lust and smoke.

catspajamas

I married my best/worst guy. His eyes are like melted chocolate and to this day nobody can make me snort laugh like he can. The person upthread that said intensity is not intimacy spoke the REAL TRUTH! I wish 23 year old me knew that. However, if she did I would not have the pleasure of knowing a little girl that has the same beautiful melty chocolate eyes and ability to make me snort laugh. I do wish I could filter his emails and change his name in my phone to "Soul Crusher" but I don't want his daughter to see that. I may change him back to passive aggressive ringtone though. Suggestions? I was previously using Toxic by Brittney

Daisy Razor

@catspajamas I am not a Taylor Swift fan, but I feel like "Trouble" was written just to be that ringtone.

catspajamas

@Daisy Razor Well Played! I also am not a fan of Ms. Swift but, that song is winning me over. Damn, this thread has made me feel all the feelings. I fear I came off as bitter. I'm not, but the ouchies hit at the most random of times. He definitely was and is the Best and the Worst. It's just never in the past where is can get that uncomplicated golden glow when you have to continue to negotiate your relationship. I like the idea of putting a jaunty spin it.

Miss Maszkerádi

I have never found a stereotypically "bad boy" attractive. They literally just scare the daylights out of me. And then I go too far in the other direction and have had not one, not two, but three sweet, mild, safe, non-threatening guys turn out to be gay in the last two years.
Am I repressed? (Kind of serious question!)

Lumpy Space Princess

@Countess Maritza No way. It's just really easy to love nice gay boys. Congrats on liking sweet boys! Not enough people give them the props they deserve.

frigwiggin

@Countess Maritza Same here--although on top of that I have dated very few guys (I can count them on one hand), but they were all sweet/safe. Anyone with drug or anger problems is just frightening.

Verity

@frigwiggin Only one boyfriend ever, and he's lovely.

Verity

@Verity (Ugh, this sounds so smug. Sorry. I am still scared of bad boys, though.)

sceps yarx

@Countess Maritza I also like sweet boys. Agro guys give me the not-sexy feelings. I married a sweet guy and the funny thing is, a LOT of his ex-girlfriends are now lesbians. I know this makes him sound like the worst boyfriend ever, statistically, but I think he was so sweet and non-threatening (and femmy) that he was a comfortable partner for girls who were in the midst of working out their sexual/gender identity. Gender is complicated, and the gender queer aspects of my dude are in harmony with my gender queer aspects, so we happen to be a good match. I don't think you should change who you are or what you like, and I definitely don't think you're repressed. I think you just haven't met the right person yet.

martinipie

The bestworst guy was 19 when I was 16 and he had blue blue eyes that sparkled and knew how to treat a bee sting with tobacco and spit and seduced me in a walk-in fridge among industrial size cans of black olives and trays of cornbread I was supposed to be baking; he drove a beat-up green truck, liked to climb over fences, liked to call me in the middle of the night or the middle of the day whenever he wanted and I would go to him; used to come to my job and sit and watch; would not call for weeks and weeks and weeks; would take me to meet his famous grandparents right after telling me who they were; would not let me meet his mother; once biked all the way over a huge mountain carrying a wire dress form for me; made out with me furiously in his truck after an Animal Collective concert; didn't call me for weeks again, months sometimes; was surprisingly, amazingly looking back on it, not pushy about having sex, which we never did; made the most wonderful moaning sounds; was shooting a porn flick with his sexy best friend that he would not would not would not even tell me anything about no matter how much I asked; had a fake name; smelled like the best thing in the whole world; did the same fucking things with two other girls my age the next summer, but still wanted me too even though I got pissed; is now studying film in the South; still has a handlebar mustache; and could still probably get in my pants if he showed up and smiled the right way.

Sigggghhhh.

I Feel Like I Should Make a Literary Reference

@martinipie this is the one best/worst guy description that made me go "Yeah, I would not be able to resist that either." Which is funny, because he does not sound anything like my real best/worst guy.

leonstj

I just realized that, while I was not a BestWorst guy, there was definitely a period, let's call it 'College' for lack of a better name, where I was a GoodBad guy. I have never even really reflected a lot on my relationships at that point in my life (always just chalking it up to dumb college fun) but the posts here by other people have made me realize that I was a totally fun, total jerk for a few years there.

I had far more fascinating interests and hobbies than I do now (I still played music, though I could never commit to a band and so just jammed around town a lot), I was passionate about philosophy & poetry (annoyingly so, in that way that can only be charming if everyone involved is young & naive), and I was a big city artschool dropout in a much smaller city, going to a commuter campus public university.

I also partied way too hard, couldn't even commit to something as bullshitty as a band, and didn't take life seriously. I drove a muscle car and smoked, I lived off loans, and I could go a week at a time without ever attending class.

I was a selfish, petulant child. And it was infinitely easier to get the attention of ladies - though they were all also college age, and I was "interesting" then in a way in which, compared to many others, I am not now.

But coupled w/ my selfishness, there was also a lot of hurt. I was a disappointment to whoever would let me into their life solely because I thought there was no way they wouldn't eventually be disappointed even if I tried, so why bother trying.

I'm not asking for sympathy for shitty rad dudes, though. I'm joining all of the 'get away' chorus. Because everyone who ever says that fixer-upper dudes don't work out - I mean, I'm sure sometimes they do, enough monkeys+enough typewriters & all, but I sure as hell didn't. I was lucky enough to be raised in the rhetoric of 'recovery', and even though I wasn't an addict, I knew what was happening when I bottomed out, and I realized the change had to come from within - I had to want that change on my own, nobody could ever bring it to me - so please, other ladies out there, ya know, feel free to have fun w/ the jerks - jerks can be fun, and nobody should be judging, and not everything two people do in life has to be serious - but don't let it start to feel "real". Cuz jerks are jerks until they stop being jerks, and you can't ever control that, help that happen, or predict when it will. And honestly, I feel like breaking off w/ a large circle of people who knew/enabled the jerkiness is a critical step for the jerk to go through before reform.

I'm sure none of you are the ladies I was a jerk too, but I'm sorry.

H.E. Ladypants

@leon s It is a blinkingly bizarre feeling to realize you have been a bit of a trope, isn't it.

I used to be a manic pixie dream girl. All I can do is shake my head.

lasso tabasco

@leon s *swoon*

par_parenthese

@lasso tabasco I will join you in that swoon.

HoliandIvy

@leon s
I was the bestworst girl, and I want so much to apologize to them all.

leonstj

@H.E. Ladypants - Haha oh man, not only is it the worst, I realized as I got older that like, because of this obsession I had w/ movie/moviemaking and all, I spent like, most of the first 23 or 24 years of my life just changing from one to another.

Basically I was just Martin Starr from Freak & Geeks until I was 18, then moved away from my hometown and decided to try to be an Art School Bruce Springsteen (early bruce). I even wore a denim jacket & generally boots & my hair back in a bandana. It was ridiculous.

To be honest though...there are times, like this week, right now, where I do get kind of nostalgic. I know it was a bullshit shallow rejection, and in a few days when I spend a few hundred bucks making my monthly student loan payment and have my monthly "All of that fun was 8 years ago and you still owe 10k for it," moment I'll move on.

But right now, unable to sleep tonight, I'm thinking about when I used to walk up to a lady at party I thought might be interested and say "I've been standing still too long. I can't stay in one place, I need freedom. I gotta hit the road, I just feel trapped. I'm gonna go drive way out past city limits and just...I dunno. I'll figure it out later..." and invite her to ride shotgun, then just...drive off into the middle of nowhere, the stereo off to hear the silence, the windows down.

The stars. Legitimately not being sure if I was ever going to turn the car around, or if one night we were just going to keep driving, bail on everything we had. I'm not really surprised, looking back, that I never did it. But when I was a shitty dude, I honestly thought that one night I might. And I miss that feeling of freedom, I miss thinking I had nothing at all to lose. I mean, I prefer a real life and all, but still. There was a real feeling of freedom to that complete refusal to commit to anything ever.

Nutellaface

@leon s Nostalgia is a fickle bitch.

LeafySeaDragon

@H.E. Ladypants dude watching that MPDG scene in eternal sunshine where kate breates the guy hitting on her? too close for comfort.

Adult Footie Pajamas

@H.E. Ladypants I am still kind of a manic pixie dream girl. It's... I dunno. I chalk it up to living in Portland, dropping out of art school and working with plants. But my fiancé seems to like it.

Although now that I think about it, MPDG is an upgrade from B/W, which I totally was from 16-22.

Judith Slutler

As long as we're sharing: tall, lanky, Eastern European guy with perfect cheekbones, a great beard, exquisite taste in basically everything and a coke problem. He was even IN MY UNDERGRAD MAJOR which, I never date people in my field, but. We went dancing a lot and all of our mutual friends seemed to think it was my job to save him from himself??? Why was that a thing, again? Everyone was like "oh you are so cute together" and every time they said it, I got more and more annoyed with the whole situation. Then he stopped asking me to go out with him so often and I knew 100% that he was fucking other people, because he wasn't writing me good night texts any more. Eventually one night after work I came home to my apartment and my roommates were like "Hey so what is ___ doing tonight?" and I suddenly snapped and said I DON'T KNOW. I AM NOT IN CHARGE OF HIM. I'M BARELY EVEN IN CHARGE OF MYSELF! I was so done. We stayed friends and worked on the same projects but I was never tempted to touch him again.

The most odd thing was that the exact same story proceeded to play out between him and another one of my friends. And then, a third one of us fell for him and the same thing happened! Every girl knew about his previous history but couldn't resist. Dude was breaking hearts and notching bedposts all over town. I tell ya.

Ellie

@Emmanuelle Cunt Just wanted to comment that this is sooo close to my type. Esp. the coke problem part. Who can explain it?

lasso tabasco

My bestworst was mostly worst. I went to stay with him in the foreign country where he lived for two summer months, during which time he announced that he had a second girlfriend, and if I wanted him to stay with me I had to convince him that I was better than her. I never met her, but he left me alone quite often to go spend time with her, and told everyone I was his ex who just happened to be in town and needed a place to stay. He screamed at me about how I ought to be doing his laundry and scrubbing his floors, so I did. When he left to go see his other girlfriend I didnt get angry. When he forbid me from going to parties with him because he didn't want me to see his friends, I did not protest. I thought if I did everything the right way he would love me. The humiliation! I can't even remember anything good about him, every time I think of him I shudder. I don't know who was running my mind that summer, it all seems like a blur.

Lili B.

@lasso tabasco Jesus, where was ANY of the best here?

Lili B.

@lasso tabasco yikes OK that sounded pretty judgey and not nice. What I meant was, I hope you were at least a little bit happy with something.

lasso tabasco

@Lili B. No no that was not judgy! He had almost zero redeeming quealities! I guess I havent had a Bestworst... just a Worst. :(((

Bittersweet

@lasso tabasco The Best in this BestWorst equation is YOU, for being so great in the face of this giant bag of dicks. Kudos for moving on.

Lili B.

The bestworst guy was a painter who lived in a tiny house on an island in the middle of the North Atlantic and sold his impressionistic paintings and actually made a tidy living from that plus carpentry, and in the evenings we'd put on "Remain In Light" and drink red wine and he'd paint me and I'd try to paint him and we'd drink a lot of local beer and not go to sleep until 4 when I had work at 8 the next day. He planted vegetables and smoked but hated it when I bummed one but let me have one anyway. He was way too old for me and his little boy is closer to my age than he is and he has no capacity for discussing feelings and some of our acquaintances think he used to hit his exes and he did a looooooot of drugs when he was my age and is not what we would call "proactive".

Anyway I moved away but I still think about him, sort of sadly because I know it would never have worked out because I didn't want to live on that island and be a ready-mom but still sometimes I hear "Double Groove" and get a little nostalgic.

p1000

Let me save you some of my own suffering by advising that whoever you date after this guy from now until forever, you canNOT tell him about Best/Worst Guy. He won't understand. He will probably be upset with you. I've spent the past two years trying to make my boyfriend understand that the man I dated when I was eighteen does not necessarily reflect on my true morality/best self/current feelings about marital fidelity.

Judith Slutler

@p1000 Well who exactly was he dating when he was 18? I mean, shit, dude.

machinesss

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yeah for sure, maybe if every dude you've dated in the past was a best/worst guy, but one bad choice years ago does not determine who you are now.

MrComment

@Emmanuelle Cunt I'm gonna guess nobody.

thebestjasmine

@p1000 If you have to spend two years trying to make your boyfriend understand that (and why does he need to take two years to talk about a dude that you're not dating), then maybe your boyfriend is your bestworst guy.

p1000

@Emmanuelle Cunt his first girlfriend who then became his wife and then six years later became his ex-wife, and then he and I met. I...have dated many more people much less seriously than that! Not that that's a bad thing.

aphrabean

@thebestjasmine Yeaaaaah. My partner & I just joke about our best/worsts, and our past less than stellar behaviors, and once in while remark on how if we met 10 years earlier, we probably would not have gotten along one little bit. So! Something to think upon!

hallelujah

@thebestjasmine REAL TALK.

sceps yarx

@aphrabean I loooove to hear about my dude's crazy hot exes because it gives me a sense of power and winning. Not the best side of my personality, perhaps, but it makes me feel possessive in a sexy way. Also, if you really love someone, you will be interested in how they got to be who they are. BUT maybe it is also hard and angering to hear about someone being disrespectful to your favorite person. If @p1000's best/worst dude was mean and a jerk, maybe it makes her boyfriend too angry to talk about it easily.

Princess Slayer

My bestworst guy told me he had loved me for years and I made him want to be a better person and he told me I was beautiful when half my hair had fallen out because I was so sick and then a year later he also told me not to say hello to him if I saw him because he didn't want to have to explain me to whoever he was with.

wee_ramekin

@Princess Slayer

And he can go take a long walk off a SHORT FUCKING PIER, because FUCK THAT GUY.

I'm sorry darlin' :(.

Nutellaface

@Princess Slayer SET HIM ON FIRE.

SeaMoney

He carries a space pen on him at all times, as well as a pocket knife and a tiny flash light. He's tall, but not in a way where I think of him as a "tall person" and if he grew a beard it would have red patches in it. He's 30, and I'm 22. He was (and maybe still is) my mentor. He enjoys gadgets and science. And there is not actually anything going on with us. But we get beers, and hike and do projects. He has a girl friend. And he has to know. Right? And I'm caught between wanting to keep his friendship, wanting to strive to be more like him (I could be a person who always has a space pen in their pocket) and wanting to kiss him. And the way I feel is not his fault, and maybe what he likes best about me is the way it feels to be around someone who wants to be more like you and kiss you at the same time.

P.S. Please don't hate me

@SeaMoney
Oof. You do know the joke about space pens?

Ping

@SeaMoney I have someone like that (no space pen though).

lenka_V

@SeaMoney I feel this. Seconding that oof.

Tammy Pajamas

@P.S. Please don't hate me I don't know the joke about space pens. What is it? I also have an ex that carried a space pen. I had no idea that was a thing until reading this thread.

SeaMoney

@Tammy Pajamas I don't know if "people who carry space pens" is a thing either. The joke is that when astronauts discovered that their pens did not work in zero gravity NASA spent a million dollars developing a pen that did... Whereas the Russians just used a pencil. This is not 100% true, a pen company Fisher developed the space pen. (Which I know because you know, I've been considering acquiring one)

Tammy Pajamas

@SeaMoney Ahh! Thank you. And please don't kiss your space pen guy. When I dated my space pen guy, he had the effect your space pen guy does on other ladies. It caused some fights between us, even though he wasn't really doing anything to egg them on (they were writing flirty things on his (dating myself!) Friendster that he didn't really respond to) and just made me feel kind of bad, until I realized he was a good space pen guy (I'd bet that most of them are). Anyway, don't put him in a tough situation, just crush on and respect him from afar. Because right now he sounds like a Best guy, but if you get entangled with him, he might become a Worst guy.
<>

Tammy Pajamas

@SeaMoney Hmmm... I made a joke at the end there about getting off my soapbox now and my hips creaking in the process, but it disappeared because apparently I don't know how the Internet works.

LW (magpie)

Oh man!

Ok so I wrote this after a brief affair in the fall. It is like a time capsule of insanity. It is like, fresh-tennis-ball-canister-air-puff pure unadulterated crazy.

I'm delighted it is resulting in all these stories of bestworsts. They make me feel a little less alone in here.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@LW (magpie)
Hooooooooly shit you're gonna kill me.

But, do you read Junot Diaz? I HAVE TO KNOW.

LW (magpie)

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll

NO. But I'm not surprised I sound unoriginal. I'm...unoriginal.

p1000

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll pssst but what if LW is Junot Diaz as suggested above DON'T LET HIM KNOW WE'RE ON TO HIM.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@LW (magpie)
Don't worry about it. We're none of us very original. Diaz is, but he won a Pulitzer Prize and a MacArthur genius grant, which just goes to show how rare true originality is. I'm never going to win those, and you probably aren't either, but we can try our best to be kind to the people around us, and, when we make mistakes, get up and try again. That's enough.

Frankly, a convincing Diaz impression, even if unintentional, is something you can go to bed proud of.

TheRisottoRacket

I never dated a bestworst guy, but I was probably a bestworst girl before I starting receiving treatment for my depression and anxiety :/

aphrabean

@TheRisottoRacket Right? RIGHT.

LilRedCorvette

@TheRisottoRacket I want a separate thread about how good it feels to be a bestworst. It's like being in an action movie where you walk away in slow motion and drop a match and the building explodes behind you and you don't look back.

jule_b_sorry

@AitchBee I had a guy that we were bestworst to each other. He had interesting tattoos and wrote cute songs about me on his guitar and we would sometimes just hop in his car and drive in a random direction, drive all night around back country roads and stop at some strange mountain diner at 3am when we were hungry, just because we could. He gave me my first joint. He was pretentious and snotty and wrote terrible short fiction and told my I was too desperate and needy for him. He wanted to get married, but lived four states away with no plans to move to where I lived. I wore thick black eyeliner and dyed my hair blue and cheated on him constantly and justified it by saying it was because he made me feel sad about myself. I ran into him randomly years later, and he asked me apropos of nothing if I'd ever had an abortion. Then he asked me to put his lesbian friend up for a few weeks since she was new in town, who he then immediately started dating (turns out she wasn't actually a lesbian, I guess). The last time I saw him, he was standing across the street from my office, in a city I never thought I'd see him in, waiting for someone else who happened to work with me. It actually was gray and raining when I glimpsed him that final time, b/c nature is an ironic sappy bitch sometimes.

aphrabean

@AitchBee The original post made me laugh but this made me sort of go hot & cold because I fucking LOVE that feeling. I do. That's a better high than any of the bestworst interactions I ever head - it feels so good to just walk away whenever you want - some days when I'm, like, worrying over my mother-in-law-figure's total lack of retirement planning, I daydream about how it would feel to just shake free of everything again. What I've got now makes up for the loss of that freedom, but I do need some wilding (mid-thirties, monogamous, non-drinking-style)time periodically or else the itch gets too strong. "Why burn your bridges when you can blow your bridges up?" That thing.

celeec4@twitter

So...while I never dated him, reading through these comments have made me realize that a good high school friend of mine? Boy was totally someone's bestworst boyfriend.

...this explains so much about all the drama that went down in HS. So much. All over him.

par_parenthese

I feel like I might've gotten BestWorst guy out of my system in junior high when I briefly "went out with" a guy who spent the next several years writing me letters (which I did not open but now wonder if I should've sent them to the police?) from juvie where he was sent for trying to kill someone. So after that I had a long "nice guy" phase.

wee_ramekin

@par_parenthese

O_O

par_parenthese

@wee_ramekin Indeed.

Chel

I met my bestworst guy when I was 17. I was an overachieving, overweight high school senior, an evangelical Christian, and desperately trying to prove to myself that I was normal (not gay). I met him in an SAT prep course and thought he was amazing. Smart, good-looking, nice car. In retrospect, he was pretty average and I just wasn’t used to the attention. I knew my mother and church friends wouldn’t approve since I didn’t meet him through church. I ran into a school friend once when we were at the mall, my friend called him a ‘trendy-fuck’ and told me not to waste my time with him.

It was the best and worst six months of my life as befitting relationship with a bestworst guy. I felt so happy when I was with him and ignored the fact I was lying to everyone I knew and used that to excuse the fact he hadn’t introduced me to any of his friends or family. The beginning of the end was a pregnancy scare. I let him convince me that we should run away and get married in Vegas. My parents were out of town and it’s only a few hours away. He even bought us new fake ids for the occasion. I sometimes wonder if they were made up names and info or really belonged to someone who is now technically married to someone she never met. I also wonder why I never pressed him on how we could get married without using our real names.

My period started a few days later and the next week I got an email from him that his mom was sending him to live with his dad somewhere in the mid-west. A mutual acquaintance told me a couple of months later that he died in a car accident. And I spent my freshman year of college mired in a depression I couldn’t explain to anyone and failed out. (There were other reasons for the depression too, but that was a big one.) He showed up again when I was 21. I hadn’t learned my lesson before, but that time it stuck.

It’s been almost 12 years since I saw or heard from him. I recently realized I don’t remember his last name. And I don’t care enough to go back through journals and emails to figure it out.

phlox lombardi

My bestworst guy was a girl: took me on motorcycle rides, was taciturn and mysterious in the best/worst way, had just the best hands ever ugh. The moment I saw her for the first time I just lost my fucking mind. Total goner. Sigh.

MaxBraverman

This whole time I've been doing regular crack. I had no idea there was lady crack. Is it pink?

Does the fact that I've only been using regular crack mean that I'm going to grow a penis?

melimania

This is timely as I have been thinking about BestWorst guy way too much lately.

LolaMoco

The best/worst guy is putting himself through college as a handyman, is broad and muscled and the only blond guy you ever thought was sexy. He smells like old spice and tells you, after you put your hand in his pocket to retrieve his lighter that he never wears underwear. It’s the nineties, and he has a goatee, and in the current day you love that beards are back. He changes your oil, carries your books, helps you move, joins a student protest movement and helps you take over a campus building, even though before he met you he never even voted. Until him, you never understood the carnal nature of desire, the obsession with sex, and what it means to truly want someone in that way. He fixes his sleepy eyes on you, calls you first thing in the morning and last thing at night, kisses you every time you lean over to put on your seatbelt, takes to you a park with waterfalls, asks you to marry him but to wait a few years, explains that he can date other people to get it out of his system but you are the only person he loves, and doesn't want you to date anyone because someone else might fall in love with you, then dates your former best friend in secret. When you ask him what they talked about, he says "you," and offers to dump her if you come back to him.

Atheist Watermelon

@LolaMoco oooooooooooffffff... :-/

Atheist Watermelon

BestWorst guy is funny, and cute, and charming, and everyone likes him. He is your first love, your first real everything, but he blames you for being unable to come during sex, and says that your vagina is too big for him because he has only been with Asian women, who have smaller vaginas. (what?) He can make you laugh harder than anyone else, and is one of the best friends you've ever had, but makes you shower before he will do anything sexual with you, and treats you as though there is something wrong with you because you want to do it a lot. he tells you that he thinks he might be gay, but tells you, two weeks after your mother dies, that the REAL truth was that he fell in love with someone else while he was dating you (was, in fact, dating her at the same time, for half of your relationship) and now he knows how you felt because he was deeply in love with her but she cheated on him. He didn't break up with you sooner because "he felt sorry for you, since your mother was dying". You later find out through mutual friends- you're in the same field- that he told everyone at the school he went to after yours that you had faked your virginity with him.

Hella

@Didldidi SET HIM ON FIRE

trappedinabay

@Hella ALL OF THE FIRE

BoozinSusan

@Didldidi Just wondering... Is he, perchance, Japanese? In Japan you have to shower before sleeping together, it's just a cultural thing; plus, you mentioned all the Asian vaginas?

Atheist Watermelon

@BoozinSusan Chinese!

Michaela D@twitter

How about a bestworst ambiguous crush story? Ok.
I met him in his apartment the night he threw a party for a local band and made enough noise to get kicked out soon after. He was intensely philosophical, and verbally combative. He was supremely self-confident, and both the smartest and dumbest person I had yet met. We hooked up numerous times over the following weeks, despite his strange platonic bond with a girl he was living with out of a car, later van. I would spend nights over, and weekends partying in the desert. He gave me e from his dwindling cache from when he "used to" sell. I spent a few different days at my shitty cashier job with dilated eyes, dancing, amusing/bemusing customers. He would come into my store while I worked nights and steal vodka. I let him. One night in a random friends bed, after a day filled with drugs and drum circle nonsense he told me he loved me and wanted to elope. He later would go on to date an older woman with pink hair, and one night I drank wine with him and his brother, and after they left I burnt four cds and drove all night into the next state, and slept at a rest stop. The next morning I took a deep breath, took a few pictures of blooming palo verdes against the blue sky, and drove home in hungry silence.

Michaela D@twitter

@Michaela D@twitter Those pictures remain in a folder by themselves and the significance of them is only known to me.

Chareth Cutestory

I typed out a comment about my bestworst dude and then deleted it because it was way too personal. But for curiosity's sake, I just went back and read our Facebook friendship with wall posts from five years ago and holy crap, my face is flaming. I can't believe what an idiot I was!

cminor

@Chareth Cutestory That feeling is me reading anything personal I've ever written 6 months after I wrote it.

desjardins

My Bestworst guy was senior year of high school. We were in band together and my best friend had had a crush on him in middle school. Bestworst and I went to homecoming together as friends, and that turned into something else, which nearly destroyed my relationship with my best friend. He was tall, dark, handsome, and made me laugh. We were both in AP classes and had jobs - me as a hostess at a restaurant, he at a fast food place across the parking lot. We rarely saw each other outside of class, and I constantly asked him if all the drama was worth it. He insisted it was, but never gave me a reason why. On Valentine's day I brought over a pizza at midnight after my shift, and we ate it on the hood of his old green Volkswagon Beetle he was fixing up. The same Volkswagon that's axle would break as he was rounding a hairpin turn on the way to a rugby game, catapulting him out the windshield and the car itself into the lake. He didn't show up for our concert that night, and his best friend "thought I already knew" what had happened. We had been fiercely competitive, but playing his solos wasn't satisfying that night. He sometimes kissed me, though I always hoped for more. We finally broke up when I left for college on the other side of the country, though really we had been done weeks and weeks before.

A few years later I stayed at his place when I was visiting a mutual friend for an undergraduate senior recital. Bestworst and I gushed about our respective boyfriends. Former best friend is now a nun. Bestworst, Bestfriend, and I are finally quite happy.

sertra

The bestworst dude is not as attractive as you always thought he was. He has a horrible reputation and very few friends. He thinks he is gorgeous and charming, you did too. He tried to cheat on his girlfriend with you one time, he gave you drugs. They broke up and you started spending all your time with him and becoming more obsessed with how intelligent and earnest he was. He divulged secrets in a way that made you feel like he must love you. He has a drinking problem he refuses to deal with. His temper is scary but his childlike pleas for you not to leave would always make you stay. The bestworst dude seems like he needs you, you still can't let go even though you officially broke up. You're getting dinner with him this week.

Also he is pretty much Adam from Girls and episode 9 made you almost puke with recognition.

Michaela D@twitter

@sertra YES. Is all I have to say.

hollysh

I can't do it! Too many bestworsts, many because I was a bestworst at the time.

annev6

@hollysh In my experience they all start out as bestworst until their best gets old and then they're just the worst.

Angry Panda

I've never had a BestWorst because I was born boring, but love these comments. Living vicariously through the internet, that's me.

baby beluga

My bestworst guy drank White Russians and talked to me about poetry, passionately and condescendingly, at great length. I wrote passionate and tortured poetry about him. He stopped speaking me to without warning, between one day and the next, and then sent me a "Hey what's up" email after two and a half years of silence in which he mentioned Andrew Bird's music and said it made him think of me. I didn't respond.

jule_b_sorry

@baby beluga Oh man, I'm pretty sure we dated the same guy. Total jerkwad, that dude.

LeafySeaDragon

@baby beluga lol he was probably cheating on me with you.

Michaela D@twitter

@baby beluga I'm just starting to realize that "condescending about poetry/philosophy/politics" is a reeeal common theme in this thread.

cei-face

@baby beluga GOOD ON YOU THOUGH. Not responding is usually a hard thing. Responding hardly ever yields good results. Trust me.

Madeline Shoes

My bestworst was a chubby Pennsylvanian with a shaved chest who wore skin-tight pin striped pants and a fedora. He would invite me over for a romantic meal and it would be tuna helper and a bottle of something terrible from the sale-wine basket at the convenience store - I was 19, so anything served with wine and not cooked in a microwave was terribly impressive. He would cheat on me with freshmen at the college he had recently graduated from, and tell me it was his duty to "teach" them. After I finally was able to cut him off and get out of the 2-year cycle, he found me in a Starbucks and punched me in the face because he'd heard I went on a date with a mutual acquaintance.

I was in love with him at the time, but looking back the only good thing was that I learned never to be with someone like that. A couple years ago, I was really sick and he sent me an email that was like "Hey, you probably don't want to hear from me, but I heard you were sick." I ignored that, and have gotten facebook friend requests from him every year or so since. He moved to a city I'd love to visit, but now that he's there I just don't think I have the energy, even though it's been 6 years since I saw him. Also I just found out he finally came out of the closet.

sarah girl

My best/worst guy once told me, without a trace of irony, that the Apocalypse would be coming in our lifetimes and he and his best friend would be the heroes leading the charge against evil.

I can't really remember the best parts now.

LeafySeaDragon

a friend years ago sat down with me over coffee and had me write a list of my top ten fantasy boyfreinds. they were ALL BAD GUYS from movies. it was the only way my friend could think of to really make me understand that i had TERRIBLE taste in men. really, really, terrible.
alan or beeteljuice?
han or luke?
batman or the joker?

Mila

My best/worst guy: 6'4" broad shouldered, redheaded tattooed punk I met at a show in the mid-90s who offered me a ride home when I got in a fight with my date and he left without me. Showed up at my work the next day saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. Was the first guy who ever made me believe I was beautiful and gave me to this day some of the best compliments I have ever gotten that I still remember when I am having one of those days when I feel ugly. Listened to me like no one had ever listened to me and made me feel like I was the most intelligent, deep, interesting girl he had ever met. Even though he was kind of a man-whore, never pressured little virgin me to have sex, and actually made me feel safe to explore my sexuality in ways I was comfortable with (in other words, we had some HOT times together, even though we never had p-in-v sex). Taught me how to give a blow job. Made me do crazy things that a very square me never dreamed of doing. Made me feel alive.

And the worst: constantly stood me up, slept with my best friend. When I mentioned my mom had done heroin in her youth, asked me if she could score some for him. Put his hand on my butt when he was meeting my mom for the first time (that went over REAL well). Freaked out when a police car was driving behind us, and when I asked him why told me there was a warrant for his arrest. Taught my just-say-no self how to pack bowls because he couldn't very well do that and drive at the same time now, could he? Got in my first car accident with him (when he was driving high to his court hearing about his revoked driver's license). Asked me to keep a journal of my feelings after he broke up with me so he could use it for his writing (yeah, of course he was an aspiring writer).

Now, almost 20 years later, the good memories are still good, the bad memories are really funny.

annev6

My best/worst guy was English and had an affinity for classy old movies and Mad Men-style living (this was way before Mad Men though, so that wasn't annoying or hipstery yet, at least not to me). He also was a connoisseur of great wine and food and spoke fluent French and introduced me to hummus for the first time (if you knew how much hummus I eat this would be significant) and was far too old for me. The best meal I ever ate, to this day, was with him in London at a Moroccan restaurant where we sat on cushions and I'm pretty sure we ate something with pidgeon in it?

Anyway, he just kind of stopped calling me back and moved back to England permanently without saying goodbye, but was courteous enough to drunkenly IM me for years afterwards, as though being a fuck-up trying to navigate her early 20s wasn't heart-wrenching and confusing enough without some 30-something dude who WAS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED messaging her things like "I often wonder, what if?"

Ugh, let's all go get wasted.

I like to say he was all the karma I deserved and now the universe and I are even.

liverwortlaura

we'er both freshmen in college, but he is already the accomplished lover and muse of a 30+ married woman and artist who likes to photograph him nude. he falls in love with me, but continues to have whispered phone conversations with her, naked, directly after having sex, while I am still tangled in the sheets. His debit card pin is the last four digits of her phone number. He leaves his e-mail open one day and I see all the accumulated e-mails from her, including the one I click and open only to read, "I wonder if you'll ever tell your girlfriend how many times you've fucked me while being with her." He is tall and thin and wears only corduroys and handknit sweaters. He has long, tangled hair that is never washed enough and so he smells of dirty hair and wool and youthful body odor. He teaches me to make love like a 30+ woman, which I now realize was actually quite traumatic. He carved some sort of commitment ring out of beech wood, made me earrings out of blooming witch hazel, wrote me letters on birch bark, let me name the kittens, made love to me on dirt roads, in abandoned greenhouses, in treehouses, next to rock walls, on the hay in old barns. We bought sheep together. He made me feel beautiful, smart, funny. He planted 200 daffodils in the fall just to surprise me for my spring birthday. He instilled a love in me for fine french cooking. He, to my knowledge, never stopped sleeping with the artist. He left both of us for a 16 year old girl who was "better fit to be a farmer." He is still a child, still an alcoholic, still living with his parents and probably still smells horrible.

oh! valencia

@liverwortlaura OMG is this for real?

liverwortlaura

@oh! valencia those were the rules, right? I left out the marijuana dependence, the bad fiction he wrote, the multiple times we both left each other, the huge amounts of money I lent him, the fact that I still think about his parents much more often than I think of him...

Scandyhoovian

My bestworst guy was someone I thankfully got away from quickly. I was 16 and he was 18 and he was the quarterback of the next high school over. He bought unlabeled pills from some guy and always tried to get me to take them with him but then called me things like "innocent cupcake" when I turned them down. "You're my sweet good girl," that sort of thing. He also claimed a sex addiction and after two weeks started pushing his "sweet good girl" to be naughtier than she was ready to be at 16, and got really shitty when she wouldn't budge. Passive-aggressive behavior, flirting with the other girls (found out later he was actually doing this to at least 3 other girls around my age SIMULTANEOUSLY), not returning calls, but always super, super sweet and super, super dreamy when we were actually one-on-one (probably 'cause he just really wanted sex and was trying super hard to get it). I eventually broke up with him because I just would not have it, and a week later he showed up at the grocery store where I worked part time and waited around until I went on break and tried to assault me in the back where all the extra milk was stored. I screamed, he ran, I never saw him again.

edit: now that I think about this a little harder there's not a whole lot of 'best' about him to make him a 'bestworst,' really. He was just really freaking hot.

cminor

Currently, I'm in a new city for a limited time and will likely never be back. I've used this as an excuse to date/sleepwith EVERY best worst guy. ("It's only till May, what can happen right?" I say to anyone who will listen.)

But reading all of these stories has been amazing and also made me realize that most of my relationships were with best/worst guys (to some degree), perhaps because I can be sometimes be the best/worst.

packedsuitcase

Mine...well, I dated some terrible dudes. I have a WorstWorst for sure, but BestWorst? We were 17, so factor that in - he could barely string a coherent sentence together when writing, he could kiss me and make the world disappear, he was selfish, he broke up with me and then we immediately started hanging out again the next day, he had gorgeous brown eyes and the best arms I'd ever touched, he designed tattoos for friends, he spent my Chinese New Year money on a tattoo (I handed it over gladly so I could watch him get it), his life plan was "meet somebody, have a couple of kids, get divorced." But he'd talk on the phone for hours and make me laugh, and he knew just how to say my nickname to make the tight ache of missing him unknot itself and lazily swirl its way into desire that sat like good Scotch - burning and warming and completely consuming.

Now he's a college dropout (twice!) and works as a cook in Sydney. His emails to me all start the same way and only come when he gets dumped and his facial hair looks like he glued pubes to his chin.

Nancy Sin

S I D SHUT IT DOWN DEALBREAKER

Pound of Salt

Love this. The LW seems perfectly happy having daddy issues.

skeedaddle

My best/worst boyfriend was large-eyed sensitive soul with shaggy black hair and a great smile, a real talent for writing short fiction, creativity in the kitchen, a sense of adventure, and a penchant for filling the house with flowers even though I wasn't a flowers type of girl. He was also a raging alcoholic who drunkenly showed his penis to my best friend (not in a sexy way, more like in a confrontational way, while I was present), was incredibly passive aggressive, had questionable hygiene, refused to give oral sex, had a tendency to overestimate by leaps and bounds his musical talent, and truly believed he shouldn't have to work for a living. I once found about a dozen urine-filled two-liter bottles in his closet, too, a la Howard Hughes.

cei-face

@TheclaAndTheSeals ...Patrick Bateman?

Futon Revolutionista

The bestworst was a dirty-haired punk rocker I met on the bus. He was a 16-year-old dropout who worked at a factory; I was a 17-year-old straight-A student. The first time he looked at me with his blue blue blue eyes, I stopped breathing for a second. He showed me his new Crass records; I started listening to Rancid (not even in the same ballpark but I figured I had to start somewhere). We talked about social justice and politics and zines and I thought he was so profound. I postponed our first date because I had a big sociology project; he blew me off because there was an all-day show in a field somewhere and he didn't call for a week. In the meantime, I found out through a mutual friend that he liked to fuck 14-year-olds in bathrooms at YMCA shows and didn't shower. ("How did you not notice that he doesn't shower?!" she asked. I was that smitten.) I cried and moved on. Ran into him at the end of the summer and he told me he was moving to Santa Cruz the next day. We had a beautiful, perfect goodbye scene. I later found out he never actually moved - as usual, it was all talk. And Out Come The Wolves is still one of my favourite albums.

rayray

I find this thread endlessly interesting and also comforting - I thought my own bestworst was pretty bad and wanted to add it, but just reading these makes me realise past me is not alone in being a total idiot and current me is very lucky to be with someone who is just the best.

Crystallion

I am, unfortunately, still tangled up with my bestworst, but reading everyone else's stories eases my pain slightly.

sadiejo

Very late to the party, but I can't not add my story.

The bestworst guy has been in your extended friend group for a while, but you've never really spoken until you are paired together on a project. From that moment on, you can't spend enough time with him, even though you have a suspicion that he still has a girlfriend. You drink far too much and stay up far too late and neglect all your other friends all semester. He is a terrible influence - probably an alcoholic, definitely depressed, and several times he leaves in the middle of the night to go wander the streets. You are terrified. He is also a slob and his room and house smell constantly like garbage. That smell will become comforting to you. The next semester you go abroad and are inconsolable. You stay in your room gchatting with him instead of actually experiencing another culture.
Coming home feels like a miracle. You spend the whole summer in your college town with him, again drinking too much and staying out too late. For a while you are staying in the same house as his other maybe-girlfriend, and you once pass each other on the street as you are coming home and she is going to him. Of course, you hate her instead of him. One night, when he is very drunk, he tells you that he has been seeing her this whole time, and that he loves you. You only hear the love part. At the end of the summer, he tells you that he finally trusts himself to date you, and you are a couple for three glorious weeks until he breaks up with you because he is too busy and needs to focus on his school work. Soon after, you discover that he has started seeing someone else.
You spend the semester hating her. When finals roll around, he invites himself over to your place for study parties, which devolve into cuddling. He and the new girl break up. You date someone else, but it's just not the same. As graduation looms, you are drawn together again.
You see him once over the summer and he kisses you and you think that everything is going to change. Later, you go back to visit your college town and spend the night in his bed, where he is oddly cold. In the morning, a friend lets slip that he is in fact dating another friend of yours, a fact which he failed to mention before letting you in his bed. You blow up at him, feeling that this is finally the end. Before the weekend is through, you are speaking again and your anger has subsided.
In the fall, you get a series of late night, obviously drunken texts, declaring his desire to start over, do it all again, right this time. You know he's just drunk, but you can't help but be won over. But by the time you visit again, you have no desire to see him. You're finally free.

Oh God Please Don't Let Him Read This

After you broke up, your father told you that Bestworst Guy was the ugliest dude he'd ever met. You thought he was perfect, even though he was only four inches taller than you. You almost had the same hair, but let's not get into that. You were in high school, of course. He was older. The first time he held your hand, it meant so much that you looked like you were going to cry. Confused, he said to you, "Uh, I'm not a catch, or anything." At your request, he assigned you reading. You wonder, sometimes, if the copy of Philosophy in the Bedroom by the Marquis de Sade he lent you is still in your first therapist's filing cabinet. ("My mom found this, but I can't get rid of it, I can't.") He was your first almost everything. He actually told you, jokingly, "It tastes like ice cream." He'd been arrested. He got you high. You shaved, and it was awful. There was a night, with him, and also a her, when you started to figure out that you were bisexual. He broke up with you two weeks later. You had your first lady relationship. Later, you found out that the he and the she had been fucking the whole time.

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Your bestworst guy is tall, as yours always are. He is a surfer from Southern California. He is quiet, though personable, especially around friends. He easily makes a group laugh. He is confident, tan, and has blond streaks running through his brown brown hair. You love his shoulders. You kiss him between his shoulder blades after you make love for the first time. He professes his love for you all too soon. You are wary. He says you look like Aubrey Plaza. You just about faint. He says he can’t believe he found you, how compatible, how lovely you are. He offers you rides from work and waits patiently till you are done. You go on a camping trip with him. You make love in your tent in the early morning, panting, eating raspberries and wondering if it’s too early to drink beer. You meet his parents, his best friends, his childhood best friends. They all smile when they meet you. You warm to them immediately. You envision a future – the boyfriend you always deserved, you think. He pays for dinners, answers text messages promptly. You sigh in relief and finally, finally, you succumb. And that is when everything changes. He calls you less and less. The “goodnight” texts all together stop. He says he doesn’t feel like going out tonight, that he wants to stay home and later you find out he went out with a group of friends to a bar. He starts only calling you last minute, late at night, only when he is drunk. He sleeps with his back towards you. You are suffocating with desperation.

He starts telling you how he’d love to go to Burning Man because his friend said you just sleep with a bunch of hot girls while there. He tells you you should dye your hair blonde. He tells you to wear more knee high socks and short skirts. He buys you earrings for your birthday and when you tell him your ears aren’t pierced, he says “well pierce them.” His kisses grow cold. He starts flirting with other women at bars. He rolls his eyes when you say you’ve never heard of Spiritualized. He tells you all his other girlfriends had more hobbies than you. You’re changing so fast to suit him you no longer have time to eat. You grow thin and weak and feel yourself slipping from him. You’re begging for the affection you once so readily got. You’re begging for this not to end. You are drinking shots and shots of whiskey just to cope when around him, to not notice his glances at other women. And then on Halloween, he tries to sleep with your best friend. You throw up when told this by your best friend. He then sends you an email, breaking up, saying he needs more time alone to focus on himself. You throw up and cry and there aren’t enough cigarettes and alcohol in the world to quell your nerves.

You find out a month later through Instagram that he is seeing someone else. His Instagram is littered with pictures of her. The timeline overlaps with when you were seeing him. You cry so hard you can barely gasp for air. You try to move on, but you feel so defeated. You cringe when you see a surfer. Your stomach fills with knives. Your bestworst guy has moved on, and though everyone tells you he will do the same to this new girl as he did to you, you cannot help but feel small. As much as you try to rebuild yourself, your bestworst guy took a part of you that is now somewhere lost in the vast vast blue Pacific Ocean. Danger, people swimming and wading have drowned here, the sign reads. You focus on the word “here.”

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Now I need to find a new therapist. A prospect which makes me feel tired. build your own cat tree plans

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that is now somewhere lost in the vast vast blue Pacific Ocean. Danger, people swimming and wading have drowned here, the sign reads. You focus on the word “here.” buy youtube views

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whenever I do, I think about giving him HJs. Let someone with a slower burn bite your earlobes. Quit that job. Good call on the memories, it sounds like you have this one mostly figured out. 1 player games

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I get it. I've got my own version of bestworst guy that may be different (a bit like A Lady's, actually), but probably just as bad. I just had to laugh a little that of everything on her "best" list, she started with that. blog comments

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They ought to be charged criminally themselves. There is no incentive for them to obey the law if they are not. The exonerated men and women are expected to quietly accept their misfortune and disappear without expecting any relief. In a sense that is the expectation for all black people. We are known to be innocent but the system doesn’t care. 24 hour san diego attorney

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I repeat it over and over again like a prayer whenever I am tempted to do some shit like this again, and somehow ever since I've stumbled my way into some pretty good relationships... Unless I ever get to the opportunity to kick the shit outta my psyche and twist my heart into knots with Residente from Calle 13. Then it's whatever. ibcbet taruhan bola

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He raps in Spanish and French and is fearless and hilarious and amoral. He tells me I smell like sweet milk. He was raised on a farm. He's big and beautiful and broad. He might be the most alive motherfucker I've ever met. refrigerator repair

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@NotBlairWaldorf I hate the "oh, he was an asshole" line. Because if he was such a total asshole, then why was I dating him? And why didn't you stop me? I mean, I have dated some guys who were not winners, and at least one who was borderline emotionally abusive, but I've also dated some guys who were good people el eftersyn

john17

cigarettes on rooftops at dawn very often anymore, whenever I do, I think about giving him HJs. Let someone with a slower burn bite your earlobes. Medical Marijuana list

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That was a scattered few weeks half a lifetime ago and either he or his then-best friend is dead (I hear differerent things from different acquaintances) double glazed windows prices

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@Michaela D@twitter Those pictures remain in a folder by themselves and the significance of them is only known to me. tiket pesawat

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I think about giving him HJs. Let someone with a slower burn bite your earlobes. Quit that job. Good call on the memories, it sounds like you have this one mostly figured out. penis enlargement

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He might be involved in illegal activities. He is pretty bad news. He is what my mami would call amujerigo. He might be a sociopath. more about minecraft

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My bestworst guy drank White Russians and talked to me about poetry, passionately and condescendingly, at great length. I wrote passionate and tortured poetry about him. He stopped speaking me to without warning, between one day and the next, and then sent me a "Hey what's up" email after two and a half years of silence in which he mentioned Andrew Bird's music and said it made him think of me. I didn't respond. Dale Buczkowski

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Now he's a college dropout (twice!) and works as a cook in Sydney. His emails to me all start the same way and only come when he gets dumped and his facial hair looks like he glued pubes to his chin.Louisiana

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Didldidi Just wondering... Is he, perchance, Japanese? In Japan you have to shower before sleeping together, it's just a cultural thing; plus, you mentioned all the Asian vaginas? Check It Out

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The most odd thing was that the exact same story proceeded to play out between him and another one of my friends. And then, a third one of us fell for him and the same thing happened! Every girl knew about his previous history but couldn't resist. Dude was breaking hearts and notching bedposts all over town. I tell ya. vitamin c serums

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