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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

142

[Move/Do Not Move] Directly to [New City/Another New City]

A question from the advice "line":

So here's the basic situation: When I resigned my lease to my current apartment, I knew that it would be my last year in that city. Since then, I got into a long-distance relationship, realized that I didn't want to move to the city that I was planning on moving to, but really did want to move to the city where the boyfriend was (I should note: I had always kind of wanted to move to this New City, and rather fell in love with it over the course of the relationship). But whoops! Before my lease was up, we broke up, due mainly to the fact that we've always been long-distance, and that is really hard (have you heard? Long-distance relationships are really, really hard!), and also possibly due to the fact that I was taking birth control that was making me hormonal and just a wee bit (read: very) emotional and overly sensitive.

Well, when he broke up with me, I completely understood the reasons for the breakup and knew that it was the best thing for us at the time. I also knew that I still really, really wanted to move to New City anyway, we were on really good terms after the breakup and were both committed to remaining friends, and while I never wanted to be the kind of girl who would move somewhere just for the sake of a guy, I'm also not the kind of girl who wouldn't move to a city she really, really wanted to move to just because an ex (who she's on good terms with!) lives there as well. So I decided that I was going to move there, ex knows and is completely fine with it (and we've already talked about hanging out as friends when I get there).

So what's the problem? The move is five months away, and while I'm not moving there because of him (and would still have decided to move even if he was in a serious relationship with someone else), I can't. stop. thinking. about us getting back together when I move there. I almost wish that he would start dating someone else right away so that I stop stressing about it! But the combination of the facts that 1) the big reasons that we broke up are no longer going to be there, 2) the fact that we were both still in love when we broke up, and 3. I can't really date anyone here to get over him, because I'll be leaving soon make it so that it's really hard for me to get past him and move on. So I suppose my question is, how on earth do I stop thinking about this and worrying about it? I would very much like to not worry about wanting to date this guy when I move out there (especially if he gets involved with someone else, and seeing as it'll be several months before I get there, that's completely within the realm of possibility). Help me get over this so I can move out there and date lots of great new people!

Wait, no, don't move! Or do, but to a different city? Or to New City, why not! But since commenters here are as insightful as anyone I've encountered, anywhere, let's leave this one open.

(Also, as we maybe-sort of transition our advice columns, how would people feel about occasionally leaving single questions open-ended like this? Is that cheap? Interesting? Both/neither?)

And if you have a question you'd maybe like to see addressed in a format like this, please send them thisaway.

142 Comments / Post A Comment

FromTheFuture

Don't worry-- 3 months from now, when you've already got a lease signed in the new city and a bunch of job leads there, you'll start banging some guy in your current city that you've always wanted to get together with (but didn't bc you/he/someone had commitment/motivation issues.) Next thing you know, you will totally be over New City Boyfriend and living in New City pining for Old City guy.

At least that's what always happens to me.

whizz_dumb

@FromTheFuture This general thing happened to me. Why do the people you've always wanted suddenly start banging you when they know you're moving to a whole new city? After 18 months of long-distance relations, that person moves across the country to be with you, only to freak out because they are so far from family. So they move back, the end.

Bebe

@FromTheFuture My pattern was always: Step 1: Announce you are moving at least halfway across the country; Step 2: Every single guy in social circle with whom you have ever flirted or drunkenly made out with a little bit suddenly declares his love, and claims he was "too afraid of (his) feelings" to ever ask you out before (note - you may actually sprain an eye muscle what with all the rolling); Step 3: Move anyway, have awesome life, forget all about dude until you get an invitation to his wedding 6 months after he declared undying love to you.

Mariajoseh

@Bebe omg this happened to me! (not "every single guy" but "a guy") and 1 year later I'm still rolling my eyes

Megoon

@Bebe Omg I was going to say the exact same thing. "I'm moving" is basically the most alluring thing a girl can say. I got SO MANY free drinks/dinners/movies/makeout sessions the last time I moved - I thought of it as the city giving me a proper sendoff.

shawbaby

@FromTheFuture MY LIFE. And then I moved back to Old City a year later (NOT FOR HIM, many other reasons) after we pined for each other the entire time I was gone and he was like "meh, nevermind" and now we have on and off banged each other for the last two years.

Sigh.

Bebe

@Megoon I guess I forgot the step where you accidentally bang one (ok, maybe 2. fine, 3) of them before you leave.....

mayonegg

I was on the other end of this two years ago, and BOY did it not work out. He moved to My City (his New City) under the same pretense (he always loved it, fell more in love with it). We also gave it another shot briefly when he moved to My City, and it became apparent very quickly that we were not meant to be together for reasons other than "long distance is hard." Mostly, the reason was he is a manipulative sociopath (which you are probably not, so maybe this is completely irrelevant to you).

So, if you DO choose to move to New City, do not move to Same Neighborhood, and be prepared to have it not work out and be in the Same City and have Major Panic Attacks every time there is a slight possibility you could run into each other.

ponymalta

@mayonegg "He is a manipulative sociopath" is unfortunately relevant to so many failed romance outcomes.

zamboni

@ponymalta I clicked the thumbs-up button with what can only be described as a righteous fury, somewhat minimized by the fact that it's hard to convey that much fury by left-clicking a mouse.

iceberg

I like the crowdsourced answers. I mean, I usually like the proper answers too, but you know we're going to weigh in regardless. (I don't have any wisdom for this particular situation unfortunately).

Statham

@iceberg I was going to say, I like this too. I usually like a bunch of opinions so I can wade through and find points for both sides that are good.

AND ALSO because I like to thumbs up everyone I agree with. It's like an anonymous fistbump.

TheBelleWitch

@Statham I like this three, but would like to see a good mix of both, because the original answers often trigger some pretty cool discussions in the comments, as much as the original questions do.

This is my new username

@TheBelleWitch Yes, often the response in the article actually helps me figure out my feelings about the situation, whereas before I read the answer in the articles all I think is 'gee, that is a doozy" or whatever.

I kind like advice columns for that reason in general. Like probably whoever wrote into the advice column is maybe not going to follow the advice, but they are excellent for helping me figure out how I feel about things or teaching about warning signs and in general learning how to be a better human.

red pen

i'd like to put in another plea that you keep running traditional advice columns! i'm a big reader of advice writing, and i think i'm part of an audience demographic that may not be visible or obvious because we don't necessarily or often comment (except you, @This is my new username!): (analytical, anxious, reflective) people who are looking for information about how life works and why people do what they do and what people want--information about human nature. for people like us, the main draw in reading advice columns is seeing how people describe their problems, and what elements their situations they identify as problematic, and how that overlaps with or differs from what the advice columnist identifies as the problematic elements. this is what's so awesome about, for example, megan dietz's and heather havrilesky's advice writing. they're more interested in thinking about what makes a situation "wrong" or weird or painful than about answering the kind of "do this or do that?"/"who's the jerk here?" dilemmas that, say, dear prudence, dan savage, and the ethicist focus on. i think there are a lot of other people like me, who are reading advice columns to kind of store up perspectives and analytical stances for a rainy day.

aaaaanyway

@red pen Yes! There are! Well put.

Sea_Clearing

@iceberg Yes, I agree! I think that the comments are equally valuable as the answers, but they're valuable because they'll frame the answer in a different way, which is also really helpful (even if they mostly agree with what the advice-giver has to say).

Generally speaking, the advice columns are my favorite feature (of the many excellent features!) on the site; I read them pretty religiously. I know that a lot of the advice tends to be of a similar type, but a) I will openly admit that I love reading people's dirty laundry, which makes them fun, and b) I think that the standard type of advice that gets given out is... really quite useful, most of the time. I think especially to people in their early twenties (i.e. yours truly), seeing everybody get a dose of sympathetic reality-checking is really fucking useful, or at least it has been to me. My whole family is a shitshow of crazy people who don't talk about shit ever, so a lot of the (pretty straightforward) advice on here has actually seemed kind of novel to me, which is kind of scary, but also true. And as much as people joke about everybody's advice just being "therapy!" - well, most people do not go to therapy, or think they don't need to, or attach some stigma to it. But therapy is great! And hearing people reinforce that makes it easier, I think, to actually consider doing it - it definitely helped me, anyway.

So that is my vote for the advice columns, I guess!

excitedheart

@TheBelleWitch i agree with this very much, sometimes the questions are so far removed from my experiences that it takes the advice for me to examine my own opinion. when the questions leave me unsure of what i would do or advise someone else to do, i usually have a gut reaction that is for or against the response and that is very interesting to me.

taco-salad dot com

@Sea_Clearing The advice columns are probably my favorite part of The Hairpin too, I've missed them lately. And I'll reiterate that commenters are gonna comment regardless of whether there's an answer in the column itself, so I vote continue answering the letters!

runner in the garden

I guess I would say: crowdsourcing advice is better than bad advice columnists, but don't drop A Queer Chick or we will fucking cut you.

Edie W

I say go ahead and move to New City, if it is genuinely a place you want to be (which it sounds like it is), but do not go back to dating your ex when you get there. Set a limit (6 months?) before which you will not consider dating him. If you start dating him as soon as you get there that will have too much of an influence on your circle of friends / experiences / whatever in New City. You want it you be your (singular) place, not your (as a couple) place.

Also, as someone who has done long distance and not-long-distance with the same person, I agree that long distance is hard. But also keep in mind that long distance can be easier in some ways (depending on your and your partner's personality, style of interaction, how annoying his friends are, etc.), and so while getting away from long distance may fix some problems, it may introduce other, previously unforeseen ones.

Also (again; I am not a succinct thinker, apparently), I wouldn't let the fact that you are moving soon keep you from dating someone (or better yet, several someones) in your current city. Let it free you up to date people who seem fun or interesting but maybe not good serious-relationship prospects. That can be a really great way to meet new people and have new experiences without feeling like you not planning for the future right or whatever. As a current old(ish) married lady, I wish I had done more casual dating when I had the chance, rather than breaking up with guys who were fun and interesting as soon as I decided they weren't The One.

sox
sox

@Edie W Yes. What Edie says.

christonacracker

@Edie W Yeah -- sometimes long distance just means you find out they're a turd slower than usual.

Cawendaw

@Edie W Also, maybe it isn't the best time time to do the staying friends thing? Not that it never will be, but maybe you should consciously and thoroughly cut off contact with your ex until you're settled in to living in New City and have your own established identity and support network there, so that the relationship fallout doesn't taint the process. Maybe shoot him an "I still like you but I need some time to sort this out on my own" e-mail and promise yourself not to contact him until, say 3 months of living in New City. Having your (recent) ex be your primary social contact (or at least, first-thought-of social contact) in a new place seems like not the best idea to me.

Diana

@Edie W

As somebody who is a few months out of a long-term relationship and has never really done 'casual dating' before now, I second this advice. It took a while to figure out that it doesn't have to be 'one night stands vs committed relationship' but that there are lots of things in the middle which are fun and flexible and fulfilling, too.

hollysh

@Edie W You are so on the money. My move to New City (actually, New Country) was partially motivated by a long distance relationship (which is on-going). Even though the dude in question is wonderful and has been great at giving me my own space to explore and figure stuff out and meet new people, it has taken a lot longer to feel like I'm doing my own thing. It's harder to push yourself outside your comfort zone when you can lean on a (potential) significant other. Plus it will be extra crushing if he starts seriously dating someone else once you get there! Maybe instead of totally cutting off contact, you can agree to only meet up once a month or something like that until you've found your footing. Paramaters need to be set for this shit.

Bittersweet

@christonacracker I read what you wrote as the person being a "turd slower," meaning they'll stop your bowels or something. Which isn't as good as what you originally wrote, but it's still great because it's got the word "turd" in it.

v=ir

@Edie W
Is this letter the summation of season two from Downton Abbey? LW! Are you Mary Crawley? Mathew still loves you!!! Stay at Downton with horrible Edith!

v=ir

@v=ir But seriously, Mary Crawley, dont move to New City.

Litebrite Idea

@Edie W I laughed out loud because I did get involved with someone who should rightfully be called a "turd slower." Consistently tearing someone down does that definitely!

Inkling

@Bittersweet
Oh thank you, I thought she meant LDRs sometimes result in only boring overshare, like you'll find out they missed a poop.
This is our very own Rorschach.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I think that if the LW really wanted to move to New City on her own and for its own merits, there's nothing to be afraid of. The key is understanding one's own motives and being really honest with oneself about them. Because it's easy to lie to yourself.

And maybe you'll run into this guy and maybe you'll hang out/make out and maybe you won't. That's the beauty of moving to New City - new opportunities, new people, unexamined threads of adventure.

I say put on your Honest Pants, force yourself to understand the reality of the situation, and if that still means moving to New City, pack your bags!

martinipie

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Honest pants are the pants I like the least, but need to wear the most; crankypants are the pants I somehow slip into without even noticing.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@martinipie I often find myself slipping into my Judge-y Pants without actively trying to. Those get too much wear.

Hot Doom

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Yeah, my judge-y pants are totally worn out in the ass area for all the sitting and judging I manage to do.

shannanigans

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Exactly! LW needs to ask herself "If the ex told me he was say, engaged - would I still want to make this move?"

StandardTuber

Just make sure you rent month-to-month, and maybe put aside some plan-b money if you need to get outta there. Also, perhaps try to have a social life with others before you call him up. That will make you feel less like you need to lean on him to have a life outside of work, because you will know people.

And not to judge but it sounds like you might have fallen in love with the city because you were in love with him? If you go there and he decides he really doesn't like knowing that you share a ZIP code, are you going to have trouble with that, or will you be able to slough it off? I can only guess, and project, so TIOLI. But good luck with whatever you decide to do, seriously!

jbird

I have an overwhelming urge to tell you to not move to the new city. The amount you are thinking about him now is going to increase significantly when you move to new city. Plus there are lots of other great cities you could leave current city for. The tone of your letter just makes me think this is a bad idea. That being said, I once went to college across the country on a whim to follow a boy and the boy didn't work out but the college did. So what do I know.

juksie

@jbird Agreed!!! Go back and visit New City, without ever seeing the man in question. Still love it??? Then it's probably still a good idea. Go for it!
Also, if you are really worried about this, just move somewhere totally different! You seem open to it, and if this is the only really strong connection you have to New City, then the options are seriously endless. Assuming you are in America, this place is full of places its inhabitants consider the absolute coolest. (I'm from Louisville, so I am also going to urge you to look into the midwest, because our haters sell us short.)
The point is, ADVENTURE! Also, if you are thinking about getting back together with him, because that's what you actually want, and not just to move to this city, maybe talk to him about it?? Or don't speak of it ever again, and go somewhere new. Choices!

Inspector Tiger

@jbird ARE YOU FELICITY?

jbird

@Inspector Tiger I wish. My mother was concerned that my need to follow boy (who was named Ben -- WHAT) to college was at least partially Felicity driven though. On a somewhat related note, can we all talk about how Felicity ended? I still feel like I haven't found closure on that whole situation.

PomPom

Perhaps you are thinking of him non-stop because the idea of picking up and moving to a new place is kinda scary no matter what, and the idea that there may be a warm, familiar person there for you helps you deal with the idea of restarting your life in a new place. I mean, that's the kind of BS my tricksy brain would try on me if I were in this situation. The solution is just to catch yourself when you're spinning these "maybe we'll get together and it will be awesome!" fantasies and remind yourself that it's just a fantasy, that there must be other reasons besides the distance that you all broke up (I say this as a lady who is in a 4-year relationship, 1.5 years of which were spent long-distance), and New City is full of tons of awesome dudes who you haven't even had the chance to meet yet.

ponymalta

This seems like the same dilemma you would be in if you broke up with someone who lived in the same city as you and you had no plans to move, except that you would probably have reasons besides distance. But I think it's common if you break up but you still have warm feelings for someone to think about getting back together, and it's normal to fill the void of a previous relationship with fantasies about a prospective relationship (although in this case the void and the fantasy are the SAME GUY! I feel like there is a rom com plot in here somewhere). So, not helpful maybe, but just accept that the fantasies are normal, keep your expectations reasonable, remember that lots of things will happen to distract you in the next five months. If it's a big city, you could even go on some OkCupid/POF dates right away when you get there to remind yourself there will be dudes to date besides this dude.

Also- just in case you are like me- don't, immediately after getting there, drunk dial him late at night/text him romantic things/let the fantasy bleed over into awkward social interactions. If you're going to be friends, be friends. If you think you can't do it without trying to casually hold his hand whenever you are drunk together (I have done this to a "friend" I have feelings for) and you don't get any "let's get back together" vibes from him, just maybe keep your distance for awhile. Generally it is impossible to feign friendship with someone you still have a crush on.

sophia_h

I like the crowd-sourcing, but I also think that's going to happen no matter what the content of the column is, and I like reading well-written advice columns so I wouldn't want fewer of those in the world. OTOH, if there are questions that just need a wide range of answers and no one's personal, thoughtful take, it would be cool to see those pop up more often (Sars at Tomato Nation regularly does an Ask the Readers spot for questions about shopping, long-lost books, etc. that are better answered en masse).

sophia_h

@sophia_h Also, does this mean the Hairpin is looking for new advice columnists or Ask a Lady participants? Because I admit part of the reason I like the crowd-sourcing is that I've always wanted to write an advice column myself.

Diana

@sophia_h

Same! Gosh I love telling people how to fix their lives. (I'm currently homeless and underemployed, ask me about my life choices!)

Alli525

@sophia_h Me too! If there is a dearth of advice columnists, I volunteer as tribute.

Quinn A@twitter

Noooo, don't change the advice columns! They're my favourite thing, and I would definitely really miss A Queer Chick's advice in particular!

To the LW: if this guy left the New City tomorrow and you'd still want to live there, then go for it. If you want to live there solely because a part of you is hoping for a reconciliation, don't do it.

I have done three long-distance relationships, and they didn't work out because we weren't right for each other. I know people who've done longer distances for longer periods of time who are now happily married or engaged. Distance is definitely hard, but it is also not insurmountable. I could've made any of my long-distance relationships work if we had actually been right for one another - distance doesn't create issues so much as it reduces your motivation to work on them, in my experience. So yeah. Never change your whole life to fix a relationship that has broken.

Also, maybe don't assume that you can't get over someone without dating someone else? I used to give myself six months in between relationships, just to get right with myself. Once I was 95% better and just needed to sleep with someone else in order to get to 100%, I'd start dating again. It worked pretty well! And the people I know who are really comfortable being single all turn out to have healthier, happier, longer relationships than the people who line up a new partner before they break up with the old one.

theotherginger

@Quinn A@twitter yes. we must keep a queer chick, she is my fave.

Quinn A@twitter

@theotherginger Seriously, when Friday comes around and there is no new AQC column, I pout. My fiancee has heard me say "awww, there's no Ask a Queer Chick column this week!" at least four times now - so all the weeks I have been home when the open thread went up.

Kallie

@Quinn A@twitter Here! Here! Eventhough I am a straight female, I absolutely love reading Ask a Queer Chick. Don't get rid of it!

theotherginger

@Kallie it's because she gives the best, and most consistent, advice. Like, I have enjoyed many "a lady" and some "a dude" columns, but have enjoyed all AQC. Also would like the pin to resurrect handy femme and cleaning columns - or something similar (practical question-related rather than relationship-related)

does it need saying

@theotherginger Yes to these as well!

allofthewine

@Quinn A@twitter Yes! I know Hairpin is sad to have lost Jane, but we don't need to go get a radical new haircut to show her what she's missing. Keep all advice columns *and* maybe add an open ended one on occasion.

highfivesforall

@Quinn A@twitter Yeah I was basically going to suggest that AQC answer all questions regardless of topic, she is brilliant.

Also I totally agree with theotherginger, a forum for questions about how to do things around your house, or how to buy a car, or how to get all this damn cat hair off my sweaters that I can't put in the dryer, would be fantastic.

taco-salad dot com

@highfivesforall Try putting them in the dryer AFTER they have dried? I do that sometimes for de-wrinkling purposes when I don't want to shrink things...

Also @theotherginger yes I miss Ask A Clean Person :(

fondue with cheddar

@allofthewine Totally late on this thread, but I was wondering if Jane was one of the A Ladys (how the heck do you pluralize that?) I think the open question format would be good for the ones that don't fall into one of the existing categories.

RNL
RNL

What? You can't date because you're moving in five months? Wrong! Get online, be upfront about your timelines, and date/bang the hottest dudes you can find! Go with them to all the awesome places in your city that you haven't been yet. It's an adventure, I promise. Meeting people is a reward in itself, not (necessarily) the beginning of the grandest, longest, most committed love affair in history.

Coincidentally, that is also the answer to your question.

Aliceinwonder

Oooh! Ooooh!

One thing I absolutely think it a cool idea is engaging pinners in contributing content. I think that's a fantastic idea!

I will MISS Jane Marie's beauty videos (among other things, no more celebrity makeovers, so sad!) but I know there is such a wealth of talent and creativity among the hairpin ladies... I'd love to see some of what they got, beyond the comments (which, obviously, I loooove).

That said, I'd miss the springboard of an official "advice" to start the ball rolling. Although I would love to see the "main" answer/advice come from pinners, if people were up for that (not sure how that would work/if it would work).

:)

chillizabeth

Hold. The. Phone. FIRST you get rid of Friday Bargain Bin, and then Jane's makeup advice, and now advice columns?! If Ask a Dude ever goes away, I'll just lose all reasons for living (jk, but sort of?)

charlottecat

@chillizabeth I know. I'm getting worried... Just keep A Queer Chick, at least.

wee_ramekin

@charlottecat Yeah, I said this below, but I'll re-post: I'm not really sure why we need to "move away" from the advice columns. They're easily my favorite part of the 'Pin. I feel like I'm missing something...

Hairpinlove

@Hairpinlove

I also thought this was kind of interesting (it seemed to be vis-a-vie Harvard's social sphere in some way):

For a great example of a comments section that works, go to online magazine The Hairpin (here’s an example you can start with). Editors Edith Zimmerman and Jane Marie have worked hard to foster community in the comments section by setting an example in the comments of how they want participants to treat each other, and as a result of the social capital they’ve built they’re able to experiment with posting stuff that most online women’s magazines can’t get away with: experimental fiction, poetry, comics and articles with narrow or um, quirky focuses. And their readers love them for it. Somehow, their comments sections are doing the reverse of what comments sections usually do: they’re fostering creativity, critical thinking, and providing a space that gets excited about new ideas and supports conversation.

While I keep working on helping organizations to get comfortable with comments, I’ll admit that what The Hairpin has acheived is still rare on the internet: they’ve turned their comments section into a source of strength that helps drive interest and gives the editors power to do more of what they love.

Hairpinlove

Also, to the LW, totally agree with the get some dates lined up before you move thing. And also dive into creating a social circle asap. The dude who dumped you will either be a distant memory quickly, or something might develop, but either way you've created a healthy life of your own.

Instead of thinking about him, spend time thinking and planning what you will do to integrate yourself into the cultural life of the city. What classes do you want to take, if any. Any places you might like to volunteer? What meetups look good?

You can go ahead and nurse your secret hope that you and just-dumped-you guy will get back together (since you love each other), and maybe you will... or maybe some other amazing, interesting fun guy is going to show up on the scene. Either way it's an adventure, but PLAN for your own life (not revolving around the dude, except in your secret-fantasy life, because, hey, we all have one!) but plan for your real life with or WITHOUT him. Love your life, and he may (or may not, sadsville) be a part of that. But your life will rock and be fun and interesting, either way.

But I'd advise you, if you do move to the city, put some legwork in first. I think that's crucial, given the situation, that you line up some social activities so that you aren't relying too much on a relationship that is... potentially a bit fraught with some romantic drama. Sux to be unwanted/not have your affections returned, and no one needs that kind of hit to their self-esteem when moving to a new city. So line up some dudes who will be interested in you, even if your current not-guy isn't anymore. It's funny how, when you get some distance (not exactly accomplished by moving to the same town, but it's a big city) you can look back and think "wow, I was hung up on that relationship? That dude totally had issues, and I'd never consider said dude now, he totally wasn't right for me". Even if you still love that person as a friend. And, it's also a true fact, sometimes when you're needy things don't work out, but when you've got your own life going on, then easy-peasy things come to you (which, thanks a lot, life, for being such a paradox!)

noReally

If you are one of us who is made crazy by the pill, stop taking it, and your choices will seem much clearer.

The first time I started on the pill I dropped out of college.
The second time I destroyed my theretofore promising consulting career and had to start over with all new clients.
The third time I ended a five-year relationship, for reasons I couldn't fully reconstruct four months later.

juksie

@noReally destroying relationships when starting the pill is a passtime of mine, really.

Lily Rowan

@noReally Oh yeah! I had a Bad (for me) Pill once, and tried to break up with my boyfriend at the time -- I was so unhappy, and he was right there, so he must have been part of what was making me unhappy? Yeah, no.

taco-salad dot com

@noReally @juksie @Lily Rowan Have any of you tried switching from monophasic to triphasic, or vice versa? The monophasic ones make me absolutely cray cray but triphasic are totally fine, contrary to my doctor's expectations. And you'll notice the difference pretty much right away so it could be worth trying if you really want to stay on the pill.

Lily Rowan

@faceifer Oh yeah, I was on other pills for many years with no problems. I think the bad one (for me) was triphasic.

noReally

@faceifer Oh, yeah tri-phase too. Decidedly not fine, plus spotting.

Litebrite Idea

@faceifer Triphasics did me and maybe a few budding relationships in; I haven't been willing to risk a relationship to try another kind of pill!

taco-salad dot com

@Litebrite Idea I feel like a weirdo now that the triphasics are the only ones I can do, haha.

PatatasBravas

Move to new city! Live in new neighborhood! Meet new friends through work, volunteering, your busy fluttering new social life, your introverted love of relationshapes introducing you to new 'pinners, whatever!

Don't seek out old flame, though. If you run into him, fine, breezily say hello. But spend your energy loving a city that will not break your heart!

martinipie

@PatatasBravas Every time I see you commenting on stuff I really, really want some patatas bravas! Just had to tell you.

PatatasBravas

@martinipie If that is all the good I do in the world, it is almost good enough!

garli

Move, but don't be afraid to move again if you hate it. I've moved cross country 3 times and (and up and down coasts more) one of them lasted under a year because holy crap Miami was not a place I enjoyed on any level.

Slapfight

@garli 5 months in Ft. Meyers. Florida is a special place that is NOT FOR ME.

LadyDee

I was in a similar situation and I totally still moved to New City and 6 years later, I still live in New City and it's the best thing I ever did for myself. So I say do it.

I had a little bit of drama with The Dude at first but nothing too crazy and six years later, we still hang out sometimes.

To keep myself from being too over-thinky about the Dude when I was first planning my move, I instead obsessed over potential online dates and started emailing with fellas and had a couple dates set up before I moved. It was a helpful distraction.

Good luck!

weebleswobble

@LadyDee

That's awesome. I think it's important to remember that our exes are part of our history (forever!) and that oftentimes they can give us gifts that we never even realized. Maybe New City is his gift to your life, his way of contributing to your future whether or not he's actually a part of that future in a romantic way.

This happened to me (sort of): I used to be so uncomfortable with being around nature (city kid), then I dated a hiker and it slowly grew on me, then we broke up and I continued to do it as a way to feel connected to him in his absence, and now I love it and couldn't really imagine my life without the calming presence of the outdoors, bugs, dirt, and all. Now even when I have bad memories/feelings about this particular guy, I'm so grateful for what he gave me. Maybe that can be your New City story--that you moved for him but stayed for YOU.

Good luck!

thebestjasmine

Part of the reason that I like the Hairpin advice columns is because the Dudes and Ladies and Chick always have interesting and thoughtful things to say, and sometimes bring up things that I never would have thought of. Crowd sourcing is fun, especially with letters like this, but I would really miss the columns themselves.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@thebestjasmine Agreed! I like hearing what the advice-giver has to say, then hashing it out in the comments!

Kim's Kitchen Sink

I would be very sad if advice columns went away. I love the old format, and I love the responses from "a lady" "a dude" "a clean person" (love you jolie), etc.

I don't mind these types of "ask the comments section" ones as well, but I find conversation hard to follow...I don't see a way to easily subscribe to the comments so I just end up refreshing the page and scrolling around for new content (or LBH, just forgetting about it entirely, boo). Perhaps TheHairpin should follow the lead of its sibling sites TheWirecutter & Splitsider, and implement Disqus! (full disclosure, I work there. but I also freaking love it and use it on my own blog.)

wee_ramekin

@Kim's Kitchen Sink

No to Disqus! But yes to everything else you said!

I'm really unsure why we need to "move away" from advice columns. They are one of my favorite parts of the 'Pin, and by the amount of comments on each advice post, I don't think I'm alone.

What am I missing?

madge

@wee_ramekin http://www.theawl.com/2013/01/advice-is-futile ?

sox
sox

@wee_ramekin I realize I'm likely in the minority here, but I've been reading the hairpin since day one because I read the awl, and Edith was initially writing her Letters to the Editors of Magazines hilariousness in there. So I feel like I've really watched a huge evolution on this site- both in good and bad ways, which is just normal growth I would think. But particularly with the advice columns, I feel like the questions become repetitive and often times very heavy contentious debate...over the same thing that was contentiously debated previously?

Also, since I read the awl regularly, I did catch an interview/article over there around New Years ish (sorry, typing from a phone and finding/linking to it would take 400 years) where Edith talked about how her perspective on advice columns has changed in the past two years of doing them. Since she's the editor here, I think it's just as important for her to manage the content how SHE wants to, as it is for us to accept it...if that makes sense? Several blogs I've been reading-some for over 6 years- have been making major modifications lately and all I can think is that it's important to respect the direction they decide to go in as content creators. If Edith is feeling burned out on advice columns then let's not force the issue, is where I stand.

That said, it is all true that Ask a Queer Chick is the best advice column on here and answers more unique questions than the other ones.

Hope all this helps, Edith! And thank you!!! You know, for The Hairpin.

ETA: thanks Madge!

wee_ramekin

@sox @madge Ladies! Thanks for posting that link and for answering my query.

I read Edith's article, and I think I can see where she's coming from, but I also disagree with her final conclusion. And @sox, you're very right: this is Edith's site, and she can curate it however she wants. I will admit that since the advice columns have become less regular, I have also become a less regular visitor to the site; if the advice columns go away completely, then I'll probably be around even less (espeically A Queer Chick! My very first comment was on a Queer Chick article, and her columns are what hooked me on the site).

With that said, I enjoy the Hairpin for many things other than the advice columns, and I'm sure I'll continue to do so! So thank you, Edith, for the interesting content you provide and the awesome community you helped create.

thebestjasmine

@sox I mean sure, it's Edith's site and she can do what she wants to, but she asked us for feedback here.

sox
sox

@thebestjasmine Sorry if that came across wrong... I should rephrase to say that here's my feedback, and I am aware that I am in the minority in my personal view.

I guess for me it seems like the more specific columns like Ask a Clean Person and How to Be a Girl led to book deals, which is a freaking awesome outcome (yippee for you guys!) but also means that they haven't been happening. That basically leaves Ask a Lady, Dude, and Queer Chick. Frankly, I'm bored with the repetitive scenarios in Ask a Dude and/or Lady.

So maybe take my ambivalent feedback with a grain of salt, because I do realize that they are amongst the most comment (and likely page view?) generating content on the site, and can appreciate that most other Hairpin readers experience significant gain from the column.

juksie

@sox yeah my favorite advice columns are definitely the ones about specific things. AKA clean person/how to be a girl, though Queer Chick is so great because Lindsey is SO great. So I wouldn't be too sad to see the site move away from Ask a Dude/Lady. That really controversial Dude/Lady conversation makes it clear they are tiring of those questions. I'd be super excited if advice transitioned into more specific columns by specialists, and more general questions like this were outsourced to the masses.

packedsuitcase

@sox There is/going to be a Clean Person book? I am super excited about that. I am the opposite of a Clean Person (Dudefriend cleaned my kitchen while he was visiting and said, "Baby, do you ever move the toaster oven and clean underneath it? It was pretty dirty," and I kind of gave him this blank look that can be roughly translated to, "You can do that? Wait, are you supposed to? Because that would never occur to me. Ever." But AACP made it all seem reasonable and easy and like it could answer any question I ever had.

Lily Rowan

@Kim's Kitchen Sink PS: You can set it so you get emailed new comments on threads you have commented on.

Lily Rowan

@Lily Rowan Also, can we get a thread to talk about other advice columns more often? Because Dear Prudie!

Kim's Kitchen Sink

@Lily Rowan Yeah, somehow I turned that setting on, and now I'm getting All The Emails! That is good, but I'd rather just get replies to me, I think. Either way, Moar Email > No Email!

Alli525

@Lily Rowan Seconding this for like the millionth time! Prudie is the woooooorrrrrrrst... but I love hating on her.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

I was all for you moving to New City until I got to the third paragraph. You say in the second paragraph that HE broke up with YOU. Presumably he knew when he broke up with you that you were planning to move to New City? Either way, he knows now that you're planning to move there (and wants to hang out "as friends"). I just can't buy that the "big reasons" that you broke up are no longer going to be there! I mean, yeah, the distance thing will no longer be an issue. But sometimes people use the distance itself as an acceptable and easy-to-understand excuse for breaking up with someone when (of course!) there are really other reasons that are not so easy to accept and/or articulate. I just think it's not a good sign that you can't stop thinking about getting back together with this guy when it seems likely that he doesn't want to get back together with you.

But that said...cities are big places. If it were me and I really loved the place even when I consciously subtracted this guy from all the reasons I liked it, I might go for it. But I would probably (hopefully?) make a rule for myself that I would NOT rely on this guy for my social interactions or as the only friendly face in a new city, especially if he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get back together with me. I mean, it's fine to be friends with an ex, certainly! But if you're still hung up on him and he's not hung up on you? Ouch. I personally wouldn't want to do that to myself. And honestly...when I *have* done that kind of thing to myself? OUCH. I've regretted it.

weebleswobble

@Katzen-party

That's a good point about subconsciously subtracting him. Pretend he's going to move to a different place. Does New City still hold its appeal?

Also, I would second the advice about the social circle. If you live around an hour away from him, you can have your own life and still see him but be at a safe distance. I personally wouldn't want to live much closer than that because then it might be too convenient to be with him all the time and your New City identity might suffer because of it.

MilesofMountains

Move to New City, but don't hang out with your old boyfriend. You're not over him, and I'm not so sure distance was the only reason for breaking up. I'm no stranger to birth control-related moods, but "we broke up because I was irrational and I was sad and feeling hurt all the time when I was with him but I'm sure that has nothing to do with the relationship" sounds...iffy.

Maybe it's true. Maybe it isn't. Either way, I don't think it's healthy to lean heavily on an ex or current boyfriend when moving to a new city. You won't make new friends or you'll make his friends. You'll go to his hang-outs. Moving somewhere new is really hard, but getting to start over again as whoever you want to be is priceless, and you won't have that option with him as a major actor in your life. You don't even know New City You yet, focus on who you're going to be in your new life rather than obsessing on who you're going to date.

Quinn A@twitter

@MilesofMountains All of your points are excellent.

Slapfight

@MilesofMountains Agreed. Not to mention if he broke up with you for being too emotional I have news for you: You'll probably be pretty emotional after a move to a New City. You'll be lonely in the beginning. Move to New City! Online date, work at a restaurant, take fun classes to meet new, like minded folk. Don't hang with the ex until you're settled into your new life. He's not coming across as a super solid dude from this view anyway.

selyse

Have you ever moved to a New City before? I mean that in a sincere way, not a rhetorically sarcastic way. There's culture and identity shock involved (your mileage may vary). My advice to you would be to "use" your ex (in the best possible sense of the word!) as a valuable contact in your New City, but don't start dating him again - it will limit your exploration of your New City, and yourself.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

I say move to new city, but don't make your ex you're only friend. Look online for pin ups, book clubs, sewing circles, bike clubs, yoga classes, etc. You want to start meeting new people ASAP, when you get to new city. You can still keep your friendship with your ex, but keep it distant. Meet up for coffee/farmer's market once a month. But no late night dinners/spending the whole day together.

Also move as far away from your ex's neighborhood as possible. The physical distance can make it easier to no rely on him. Especially if take 1 hour+ one way to meet up. Plus you want to explore the city on your own, discover that cool little coffee shop that feels like your place to just chill. So go and have fun but definitely limit contact with your ex when you get there. Good luck!

Inspector Tiger

sooo, "possibly due to the fact that I was taking birth control that was making me hormonal and just a wee bit (read: very) emotional and overly sensitive".

That is past tense, but is it long enough ago? Are you still in that state of mind? Before making rush hormons-inspired decisions, maybe try to see your emotions through a rational lense, eg by talking to a good friend/therapist?

Everything else has already been said far more eloquently.

Plexia

Working on the basis that you are totally new to the New City and don't have many New City friends - Do not move to New City! Move to Another City.

From experience, you will start to hang around with Old Guy too much, and will invent Feeling for him to keep you company during the first three months of bitter loneliness that usually accompany city moves. And then you will worry that you're acting clingy and weird and feel bad about yourself when you get super excited to go round his for coffee on a wednesday because that means you have Wednesday Plans! And you will be jealous of all his friends who he gives too much attention to because, er HELLO you were there first! while also trying to steal them away from him (if they're cool) or feeling bad about self for hating them but still drinking with them because they are the ONLY peple you know, and what, you're gona drink alone? You drink alone.

THEN three months in it will be super awk when you find you have moved on but he's gotten used to all the attention you have been giving him - you've made cool new friends, and you do want to see him, but not as much and he invents feelings for you because he's become accustomed to your tuesday morning lattes and 'drop everything to meet' attitude and then you feel guilty fr dropping him, and you introduce him to your new friends, and he's weird and embarrassingly possessive and it SUCKS.

Then 8 months in you find the balance.

But why waste 8 months? Move to Another City.

weebleswobble

Um, I must be nuts, because I feel like I am the only person who is rooting for you to maybe get back with your ex. (Full disclosure: I just got dumped, so maybe that's where my head's at right now.)

IF you and the guy are on such close terms and can talk about presumably anything, I would be 100% honest with him. Tell him your hormonal issues are sorted out (as long as they are, which I really hope they are because I've been there and that toooootally sucks) and tell him that you were wondering if he ever considered getting back with you if certain things were different (and then figure out what those issues are and make sure you both continue to work on them). I would really only suggest this if you are both skilled communicators, otherwise there can be a lot of confusion and regrets and resentment on both sides. There's a chance that you guys are a great fit and that circumstances screwed you over the first time around, and I don't see why you can't try to give it another chance.

But if he's "eh" about it, or if he flat out refuses to consider a reconciliation, then don't take it to heart. It's fine to be friends but either way (whether or not you even choose to have the above hypothetical conversation) I wouldn't move to the same neighborhood as him. As some of the other folks here suggested, you need to feel secure in the city on your own and not depend on him in case things go sour. The last thing you want to be doing is looking over your shoulder at the grocery store because you're afraid of running into him.

I dunno if this will help you at all. I feel like I'm sort of rambling? But no matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

P.S. I recently read this Emerson poem about letting half-gods go so that the gods can arrive, and that puts a completely different spin on all of this. There's a big chance that in the several months it takes you to move and get settled in your new place, you will have met your proverbial "god" (true love/hotter guy/whatever) and you will realize just how much of a "half-god" your long-distance ex was for you. Ahhhh the excitement of it all! Have fun with it!

DeeDeeSkates

@weebleswobble Yeah, I kind of can't see why the possibility of dating the boyfriend in New City can't be explored? You're still on good terms, and you don't believe the obstacles are there anymore. Aaaaaand. . .if you bring this possibility up with him, and he's like, "no, no way, ugh, what's wrong with you," then you are really free to stop daydreaming/worrying about this and consider at your immediate life decisions with a clear head.

What I don't know about is the best time/way TO bring this up with him, and I'm sure that's a thing that needs to be handled sensitively, and I will allow other 'pinners to opine on that.

letterwriter

Oh, this was me! It's now about three months before the move, I've ABSOLUTELY been dating during the interim (whoops) and I'm still solidly friends with the ex but I've also been really excited about a whole new crop of people to date in the New City. So I'm feeling much better about the whole thing! (I guess I don't know if it was clear in the original letter-a big reason why I started dating him was because I loved the city so much and I think was using that relationship as an excuse to make the move). BUT ANYWAY don't fret-because I'm sure you all were, I have great powers over the internet populace-things should be okay on the relationship front.

PatatasBravas

@letterwriter YAYYYYY

does it need saying

@letterwriter Glad to see you are getting out there and that the New City was a bigger factor than was clear in the letter.

Lily Rowan

@letterwriter Awesome!

RK Fire

@letterwriter I'm so glad you got a chance to update us on how things went!

Buffy Summers

Putting in my vote (or maybe more accurately, my plea) to please keep the advice columns! They are definitely one of my favorite parts of the site and I'll admit to getting irrationally disappointed on weeks when they aren't featured (especially ask a married dude).. please please please! They really help me manage the stress of my day job (saving the world).

prometeu

When I had to move to LA after I got fired things seemed complicated and I did not know where to start. My friend found me a nice flat and I called the movers Phoenix to help with the relocation, they were very fast and delivered my stuff in one day. After I moved in my new apartment things started to get better, I even found job the next week.

sunflowers

So, I have no idea about what to say as a general thing, BUT - I will say that I was in a LDR for two and a half years, and thought that I was completely, totally in love with the city he lived in. He ended up moving back to live near me, but we discussed moving to his city in a few years. (Let's call that His City.) I adored His City. But then we went back for a visit and...it wasn't as great as I remembered. It was still great! I do still love it! And I think I would be happy I lived there. But I realized, when we visited, that so much of what I loved about the city were actually things that I loved peripherally, because I loved him and being with him so much. I was in love with the way I felt when I was in His City, because I was with him.

So if this translates into advice, it would be to visit New City once before you sign a lease there - if it is at all financially/timing-wise possible - to make sure that you really do love the city and not just the person you felt like when you were there.

lasso tabasco

I'm confused, had you already decided to move to New City before the breakup? In that case, I highly doubt the reason he broke up with you was because of the Distance. He probably just doesn't want to be with you anymore. Which SUCKS and hurts like hell, but c'est la vie. If, on the other hand, you decided to move to New City after the breakup, then MAYBE there is still a chance for you two to be together? But regardless, as someone said above, him dumping you because you were "overly sensitive and hormonal" sounds wonky. No one (worthwile) does that! So, I think all signs point to him just not wanting to go there with you, which, fine. Move to Mew City anyway! Find out for yourself! It will probably be a mess, but after it gets cleaned up New City an New Life might be the best thing you've ever done. And if its not, you can always move again! Good luck!

iceberg

Yeah I didn't mean that I don't love the advice columns - they are DEFINiTELY a huge part of why I love te Pin, and even when w don't like the advice from the original advice giver, it makes for a lively comments section.

Diana

I just wanted to chime in and say, for what it's worth, I've absolutely made major life decisions based in part on the advice I've read in the 'Pin columns. I read Edith's piece about the futility of advice giving and, respectively, I disagree with her very strongly. They're one of my favorite features of this website, and I think they open up all sorts of spaces for talking about other things. I'd be very sad if we transitioned away too far. I know they get repetitive sometime, but hey, human behavior is repetitive. As long as humans keep making the same mistakes over and over again, telling themselves that Their Case Is Different, there will be a need for advice columns and wise, sassy friends to drop truth bombs saying No, It Isn't.

Wilgrim

@Diana I think Edith also said she maybe wanted to go back to original idea of Ask A (blank) Person. The specificity (Ask A Clean Person especially) is what makes Hairpin advice columns interesting to me. When it is more generic with questions like these, I worry it is sort of diluting the Hairpin brand.

It's true the comments make up for that, and maybe it is more honest to crowd-source advice, but then I fear the Hairpin is taking advantage of the amazing Hairpin commenters. If it was a once a week thing like the Friday Open Threads, that would probably be OK?

teaandcakeordeath

I can understand why writing an advice column might feel underwhelming if you think no one will listen to your advice, or you end up with 200 comments of even more advice but I just love the answers in these columns. They are so well written and funny and some of the answers have been so helpful and beautifully put. And I love how creative they can be(hummus, spider and non clean person) and the really specific non relationship questions like asking a clean person or a handy femme.
Though in the Edith article she says that she envisaged more weird sounding questions which sounds fun too like 'why do you sit so weird on the subway'. Though ... how do you sit weird on the subway as I think I may be that person?

Filthyknitter

For my money, there is no right answer to this. Sounds to me as though you're just going to have to go ahead and make the move, and be prepared for it to potentially go haywire if you end up getting back together with you ex (and believe me, even if you don't actually get back together, you will DEFINITELY sleep with him). I think if you don't move, you'll always wonder "what if?". Good luck!

Scandyhoovian

Speaking as someone who has a great and long-lasting affair with advice columns and has always loved the ones on the Hairpin in particular, please please pleeeease don't take them away from us! They're literally my favorite thing here that isn't the FOT.

As for the advice, I would say go ahead and move to New City, but DO NOT use the ex as any kind of social circle creating apex or as a crutch for you in getting there. New City can be your place without an asterisk that reads "because of ex" for the rest of your life, so if you do move there, try to make it on your own without him. And if you eventually do go back and say, "Hey, I'd love to hang out with you/see you again," at least you've made a foundation for yourself in New City that doesn't hinge on his being there first.

LeafySeaDragon

@Scandyhoovian the advice colums are my top #1 fave thing about hairpin!!!!!!

parallel-lines

So...this is exactly how I ended up in NYC. I was dating someone, we broke up, I moved here, a year later we got back together....and then we broke up. Because all the reasons we broke up the first time were still there and because I realized that I had this whole awesome city at my fingertips and why limit yourself by staying in a relationship that wasn't really working. He ended it the first time, I ended it the second time and we didn't speak for five years.

The good news: we ended up friends, best friends. He was my maid of honor at my wedding. But if we hadn't ended up friends the city is big enough to avoid one another.

So move--for you, not for him. Have a contingency plan. Make your own friends, have your own place, make a good life for yourself. NYC can be whatever you make of it. If you love NYC you can have NYC but you have to make it your own.

parallel-lines

@parallel-lines Oops, I read New City at New York City because I'm one of those myopic NYC assholes who thinks everyone wants to live here. Anyway, same advice applies!

annev6

I say move. Worst case scenario you realize you really did do it for him, but he starts up with someone else, and you are heartbroken in a new city. That will suck, but it's also the kind of hole that CAN be crawled out of with spectacularly surprising and character-building results. Who knows who you will meet or what you will end up doing in the new city! As long as you're not giving up some cool opportunity elsewhere to do this, and as long as you approach New City with a willingness to do things outside of hanging with the mutual friends you have with Boy... I say, sky's the limit, kiddo! Take a class, join a club or a meetup, see some sights. Tear shit up.

I'm all for grabbing life by the balls and squeezing ever so gently until life bites your face because HEY STOP SQUEEZING MY BALLS. Then you patch up your face wound and SQUEEZE EM AGAIN.

Edit: Actually WORST case scenario is North Korea nukes us. So, anything that could possibly happen in this situation will not be The Worst Case Scenario. You're golden!

supernintendochalmers

I really think that once you're in the New City, your feelings for this guy will quickly fizzle out. There will be so much other stuff going on in your life-- a new job, new apartment, fun new neighborhoods to explore, new friends-- you won't have time to fixate on him like you are now. Also, it's easy to idealize someone when they're far away and "forbidden." It's possible that you could end up together, too, but just moving closer is probably not going to fix everything that led to your break-up. Just my two cents.

Megasus

My advice is definitely do what you want. Possibly being with a person or not should not have an impact on your decision if you truly love the place and think it will be a good fit for you.
BUT, if you really want to get over the ex, because it sounds like it's making you stressed, maybe you should distance yourself from
him, like, a lot. Like, don't talk for a few months at all distancing. And don't move to his neighbourhood, and make an effort to find friends outside your mutual friend circle when you move. It's great that y'all are still friendly, but this doesn't sound like it's really benefiting your mental health.
OR nut up and tell him that you want to give it another shot when you move, and see if it works better when you don't have the burden of long distance, if that's what you really want (and it kind of sounds like you do).

Blushingflwr

So, since it seems from her comment like the letter writer has things sorted, I will answer Edith's question.

I really love Ask a Queer Chick and Ask a Clean Person. I think those are great, mostly because (as someone else said) Lindsay and Jolie are both so great. The others can be hit or miss in whether or not I agree with their advice, but I love the comments sections. The Hairpin comment section is wonderful, and I don't know what deal you made with what devil to make it be this magical place, but it is fantastic to see such smart, articulate, respectful advice and discussion. Even when people vehemently disagree with each other, we still manage to be respectful, and that's great, and the comment section is a huge part of what keeps me coming back to the 'pin.

I think there is probably a middle ground. Definitely keep Jolie and Lindsay, and maybe rotate some others. Maybe one week do Ask the Hairpin Commenters, one week do Ask a Lady, one week do Ask a Dude, and one week do Ask a ______, where you round up questions that are relevant to a particular area of expertise (like you do ask an archivist, you could also have "ask a kinkster" or "ask a polyamorous person" or "ask a mom" or "ask an accountant").

annev6

@Blushingflwr Agreed, and I like Ask A Married Dude, too. And another one they could add that would be good, I think, would be Ask Someone In HR or Ask A Boss. I feel like there is an endless amount of workplace drama to be solved anonymously on the internet in this world.

Edie W

@annev6 Oooh, I think Ask A Boss is a brilliant idea.

Nancy Sin

This is going to sound mean, but I call shenanigans. I think there is a part of you that wants to be in that city because your dude/ex-dude is there. Unless you're in a very specific industry in which you HAVE to be in New York, I would consider another metropolis, because like many have echoed, if you still have feelings for him it's probably going to taint your experience and you may want to GTFO of a place you previously had romanticized feelings for.

leonstj

Ha I am so late on this. I think the advice is kind of whatever at this point - I mean, not that I dislike it or anything.

But I guess I'm thinking like - editors only can do a certain amount of work, and a site can only post a certain amount of content per week. And at the risk of making my second kiss-ass comment in a few weeks, as someone who isn't the target demo, I really love what Edith has done as an editor - maybe to me it's because I've always loved The Awl, and there are a lot of similarities (tonally, I guess? I dunno how to put it) but also enough differences that it's a fresh read.

I mean, I love what Edith & Nicole write, but everything no matter who wrote it also needs editors. And since they can only get a certain amount of time, I personally (again, as someone who is not at all target demo and maybe doesn't matter a huge amount) would totally not mind seeing the advice columns mostly 'go away' in the standard recurring formats if it freed up space/edit time for a couple more additional pieces of the same "longer than simple blog post, also not a 'longread'" length.

Maybe part of that is just selfishness! Because part of why I like the "Advice" column, or like, the Mr Wrong columns on The Awl, is that they are a really good length to read on a quick smoke break, and maybe jape around in the comments a minute.

Do they have a name? SmokeReads? More smokereads, please!

Lily Rowan

@leon s Oh god, sometimes I think I'm the only person who likes Mr. Wrong!

mollpants

Gurl, also, it's NYC. There's like, a million bangable people out there! Also five million not-so-bangable people! And so many places to live and work and hang out and drink and be that are not necessarily around or near your ex.

If you were moving to East Jesus, Nowhere, I think we'd all be a lot more concerned...but my sense is you'll be fine! Wahoo!

kfizz

My only real reaction is that this is cheap-ass. I had the word "cheap" in mind as soon as I saw no response, before I read the non-response. I can't possibly imagine why you're transitioning the advice department. Ask A Dude, Ask A Lady, and Ask A Queer Chick are among my favorite internet reads. (Some of the less-often ones were meh (but not all, some were great)). Please don't take them away.

ifsolitude

PLEASE don't get rid of advice columns! I loved when you used to do them more often (it was two or three times weekly at some point, I think), and keep rooting for MORE advice columns, not less. I like the ideas some have suggested upthread of doing more specific ones. But I like general romantic/life advice, too.

Also, whatever happened to the "the best time I..."? I liked that feature a lot.

Becky Martinez@facebook

Please, don't change your advice column structure! In fact, please go back to the way it was a year ago. You don't post columns nearly often enough (when there were more than one posted per week), and I miss Jane's girl advice. These open ended ones are okay from time to time, I guess, but please beef your advice offerings back up!

Lurkasaurus

NOOOOOOO keep the advice columns! They (and particularly Ask a Queer Chick) are hands-down my favorite part of the Hairpin. I may have reverted back to my username more than I'd prefer recently, but even if I'm too late to participate in the discussions, I never miss an advice column. I love reading all the various opinions of the brilliant Pinners in the comments, but having a response included with the question both guides the comment discussion (and provides more to discuss!) and helps me figure out my own opinion a bit more clearly. I agree with Becky above me that if possible, I'd like to see MORE advice columns again!

Muhammad Ahsan@facebook

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