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Monday, March 18, 2013

191

Jim Behrle Wants to Know

1. Jim Behrle: I am moving to New Jersey! And I will have my own room for the first time in a while. Is it OK that I plan to decorate my room like an 11-year-old boy? Would that be a turnoff to the ladies? Or just people in general? I'm 40 now and am trying to tuck my shirt in lately, but I'm just not sure that it's me. So I bought some posters: Vinny Testeverde of the Jets, Derrick Coleman of the Nets, Bobby Bonilla of the Mets, and Martin Brodeur of the Devils. Sports heroes all. I've had a Spiderman comforter for a while. And a Burger King pillowcase. Also I am thinking about glow stars for the ceiling. What do you think?

I think that's great. But I already know you, and that you're great. But anyone you liked enough to invite to your home would probably have figured that out, too. And they'd like your stuff, because they'd like you. Right? Especially if there were other pieces of furniture for contrast, like a nice table or something, or an antique chair. If people are turned off by the stuff you choose to surround yourself with, as long as it's not garbage, they're probably not worth your time. Flowers and plants also go a long way toward making things seem nice.

Although I guess the key to all of it is keeping stuff clean, and not having a lot of clutter.

Also glow stars are really cool, it's weird that they're mainly a kid thing.

2. I was thinking of losing a ton of weight. I did that once before, went from being 210 to about 170 a few years ago. And it was OK, but I had like cheekbones and stuff. But I felt a little too pointy and weak. I kind of like being a little tubby. It helps my humor. And I like my body. But I used to cut my hair when I needed a change. Or grow a big long beard. I can't do those things anymore. So maybe I could lose a bunch of weight. Because losing a bunch of weight and then regaining it by eating whatever I want all the time is kind of awesome. What do you think?

Hm. If you want to lose weight, why not, but if you're already comfortable with yourself, that would be why not. I think you look great. But I'm always trying to lose weight to find more cheekbones, although it's not like it really changes anything. I know what you mean about wanting to do things differently, though. Maybe moving will be a big enough change for a while. The weight loss/gain stuff sounds fun, but also kind of scary and potentially all-consuming. At least it would be for me, but my self-control is not great.

And bigger guys are more attractive than smaller ones, in my opinion.

3. What's a good place to meet ladies? I was thinking maybe church. But I need a new church, this whole Roman Catholicism isn't working out for me. So I need a new religion, hopefully one that allows for a little pre-marital sex or maybe just kind of looks the other way. I went to confession with a priest when I was 18 and admitted to masturbating, and he told me he wouldn't forgive me unless I promised to never commit that sin again. I cried hysterically. And that was it, that was the last time I ever went to confession. So like, no more of that. Ever. I do like getting the wafer. And I especially like shaking people's hands at mass. Strangers' hands. It's just so friendly to offer people peace. So a new religion. Possibly a cult. I'm kind of open to it.

Church sounds interesting. What about Quaker Meeting? Unless you think people would be put off that you were only there to meet people. But maybe not, and it sounds like it's more than that, anyway. I have no idea where to meet people. The last two places I met guys I liked were in a different country through a friend of a friend, and at a park, also through a friend, but then nothing happened for a year. And then I met a friend I like because I was scared of her for a long time, because she seemed so cool, and then one time at a party I complimented her, and then a few months after that I don't really remember how it happened but we were hanging out with a mutual friend, and then we started hanging out regularly, and now we're friends.

I guess people who scare me I've been inviting out to coffee. Well, no, I've only done that one time so far, but it was nice.

I don't go to church, but I think anywhere outside of the normal circles you move in could possibly be good. What about traveling somewhere new, even just close by, and asking friends to put you in touch with friends of theirs who live there? Not always great for romantic connections, but it could be fun or give you new ideas.

Don't join a cult, unless you find a really good and interesting one. Let me know if you do.

4. Is it a dumb idea to get a little tipsy and then send ladies e-mails that are just basically "I think you are awesome?" Sometimes that is all I write, especially if I think they are awesome. Because I do think they are awesome. Or is that creepy? Should I never bother people with my goofy tipsy emails?

No, that's really nice. I think you are awesome. And I'm sorry that this wasn't very helpful, but I'm hoping that the commenters will have some better ideas.

Previously: "I got a new pair of glasses the other day."

Jim Behrle tweets @behrle.



191 Comments / Post A Comment

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Yep, glow stars are cool. I got 'em in my bedroom.

Megasus

But I'm pretty sure cults are the best way to get ass. ESPECIALLY if you found your own cult.

ironhoneybee

@Megasus Relationshapes: The Cult.

Reginal T. Squirge

Yeah, I mean, it worked for John Hawkes in Martha Marcy May Marlene.

PatatasBravas

@Reginal T. Squirge NOT A FUNNY JOKE, VERY UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

PatatasBravas

Yes. And since obviously the entire internet revolves around my too soon/not soon enough decisions, I will send up a flare when you can commence with the jokes.

Megasus

@Reginal T. Squirge It also works in real life, all the time

Tulletilsynet

@Megasus
Do you have to found a new cult each time? Or is enough to have one cult with good discipline, like in Martha Marcy May Marlene?

Megasus

@Tulletilsynet You mean like, to get a different lady? Uh, no. Definitely not.

Tulletilsynet

@Megasus
It still seems like a lot of trouble. And then it's sort of the luck of the draw, am I right?

Jill_Tata

the sentiment is nice@k

fabel

I like the wafers, too. They are so fucking good & you can only get them at church !! Why? (But then again, I wouldn't want to get them anywhere else, I guess?)

steelyaja

@fabel Yeah, I just imagined myself eating a whole sleeve of them on the couch watching dumb tv in the middle of night and it just didn't seem ... like all the pieces fit together.

NeverOddOrEven

@fabel
I have a very, very vague memory of being very small and going to the place where nuns baked them, for some reason.
It didn't appear to be a retail operation.

nationalboneawards

@fabel Oplatki is the answer for you and Jim! Polish Christmas wafers, they taste exactly like communion wafers, except they are giant, pink and EMBOSSED WITH NATIVITY SCENES. (We don't, as a people, often enough indulge in glamorous, embossed foodstuffs, especially those that cost $2.45, IMHO.) Plus the idea is to break them apart and exchange them with strangers while offering blessings for the future, and then to eat the pieces that have been blessed to you, which is like taking the Catholic "peace be with you" handshake to a whole other EDIBLE level.

Mlle Mlle

@fabel whaaaa? I used to buy those wafers (retailles d'hosties) at the bodega (dépanneur) all the time, they came in nice old-timey red and blue waxed paper bags. Never realized this might be an "only in quebec" thing!

cminor

@nationalboneawards I love this idea. I still occasionally take communion because the new-agey spiritual connections with my friends feels good. (I am the atheist vice-president of an all inclusive campus ministry.)

meetapossum

@fabel Guys! You can totally buy Eucharist wafers online (unblessed, obviously).

Also, if you have a Catholic store nearby, you can probably get them there, too.

cminor

@meetapossum Will it taste the same if it's not really jesus?
(On the real though, for me the taste is all about context.)

meetapossum

@cminor I hear you! Honestly, I have no idea what a Eucharist cracker tastes like. I was raised Baptist, and while I've been to a Catholic mass, I never took communion there.

We just had cut up pieces of white bread. My cousins and I would eat the leftovers after church, and they were still delicious.

cminor

@meetapossum I wasn't raised Catholic either and I feel like I missed out on a lot of pomp and ceremony. Plus Methodists are BORING with a capitol B.

kellyography

@meetapossum I grew up Catholic and have always wanted to buy the wafers just to eat. I think about it every year or so, and may just go for it. So delicious.

OhMarie

@meetapossum Not to bash everybody else but they are terrible. It's like if styrofoam was made out of flour. They tend to melt in your mouth, in a bad way, so that they are all stuck to the roof of your mouth or in your teeth.

MarianTheLibrarian

@meetapossum yes yes yes! I used to buy them at my local Catholic store! Sometimes my friends and I (all attending a Catholic high school) would perform our own mini blessing. If there's a God, and S/He has no sense of humor, I'm quite possibly going to hell for that.

harebell

@fabel
Actually, if you go to the "Global Kitchen" exhibit at the NY Museum of Natural History, the gift shop sells all kinds of odd food items as souvenirs, including this Belgian candy that is basically 2 communion wafers glued together at the edges so that they look like a puffy UFO, and in the middle are these tiny balls of colored sugar. It was the most disappointing candy ever, but! if you want to eat communion wafers this is for you. It's got to be made by the same factory - they have the same sawdust-styrofoam texture going on.
We just couldn't figure out how it had gotten to be candy. Nostalgia? Post-WW2 food rationing that caught on?

baked bean

@cminor Thanks for pointing that out. My atheist boyfriend insists that Team Methodist (the one he grew up in) is the best. I've been to two services and so far have been unimpressed. I was happy with how short the services were though. Good to have pride I suppose.

MilesofMountains

@fabel You can definitely get them other places! My brother had a priest Halloween costume a few years ago (probably tasteless, but that's how he is). He tried to give some out, but people told him they were worried they'd go to hell for eating them, even once he pointed out that non-blessed communion wafers are just crackers and why would God care if they eat crackers?

adorable-eggplant

@fabel Obleas con cajeta! Yum! I think the non-blessed bit is the important distinction, as MilesofMountains points out. Now I want a snack. :/

adorable-eggplant

@harebell I don't know about the Belgian version, but I think the appeal is kind of like a rice krispy treat, but more subtle. Or at least that's what I think I like about wafer-based candies.

blueblazes

@cminor I think The Lord could be really good with some kind of holy tapenade... oh who am I kidding?! I would totally eat Him with peanut butter and/or that cheese that sprays out of the can.

Miss Maszkerádi

@everybody I am giggling so hard at this, thank you for making my shit day a bit better. :D Though I have to second the comments that the wafers are gross. I've taken communion exactly twice in my life and both times I got the stupid thing stuck to the roof of my mouth for about half an hour.

Bittersweet

@Countess Maritza Come to the Episcopal Church, we have really nice wheat bread pieces. And the wine is very tasty port. It's all about the alcohol with the WASPS, you know.

HoliandIvy

@Bittersweet
I am NOT episcopalian, but my ex-husband was, and I was going to recommend it too:
wafers and hand-shaking without the more...problematic elements of the current Catholicism.
And if you live in the northeast, the bonus is that many of the older churches are really beautiful.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Bittersweet my list of reasons to stop dithering around in ecumenical no man's land and just go Episcopal grows longer and longer.

meetapossum

@HoliandIvy "Catholic lite," as it was described to me by an Episcopalian college friend.

EpWs

@meetapossum "All of the ritual, none of the guilt."

Bittersweet

@meetapossum Yep, that's about right. The regular services are fairly similar between the churches. You just stop earlier in the Lord's Prayer in the Catholic church.

Onymous

@meetapossum So I was raised Catholic, 12 years or so. Episcopalian service was super weird to me because it was like listening to a song I knew except about half the words were different so just as I fell into the rhythm it would jar me loose.

up cubed

@fabel Was anyone else told not to chew on Jesus? Like let it dissolve in your mouth? Which always ends with the thing sticking to the roof of your mouth, and you spend the rest of mass trying to pry it off with your tongue? Just me?

Tulletilsynet

@NeverOddOrEven
I used to live near a bakery called S&M Communion Bread. But that was just old hardtack redneck communion bread. Related: Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. (Proverbs 9.17)

Emmylou Who

@starbitrary Up until maybe the age of 10 (12?) everytime we drove by the church at night and saw a light on in the rectory I pictured the priest sitting on the couch with a box of communion wafers and a goblet of wine, watching some tv. I casually mentioned it one time and everyone in the car laughed so hard I quickly realized how ridiculous that was. I still like that imagery though!

Jinxie

@upupandaway YES! You weren't supposed to chew the wafers, but they never really explained it to us why we weren't supposed to do that. I assume it was because it'd be disrespectful to Jesus or something? Which, I mean, it's all going to the same place anyway, so...

bluebears

I don't know.........One or two silly kid-like things in the bedroom is kinda cute and charming but a whole room that looks like the room of an eleven year old? Kinda yikes. IMO.

Signed,

A woman in her thirties

PS: Tipsy emails telling people you like them is the best.

NeverOddOrEven

@bluebears
Yea. Decorate like an 11 year old (I married a guy who does), just make sure you decorate like a man who likes to decorate like an 11 year old, and can also afford real furniture.
Hobbies!

cminor

@bluebears For me it's not the childish nature, it's just the implication that between now and your adolescence you've bought nothing new and developed no new tastes. And because I don't believe that is the case, just be aware how it comes off.

Also I'm not much of a sports lady, but framing your posters would go a long way to bring your youthful exuberance into adult enjoyment.

In closing, 1. Don't let your bedding turn to tatters, no matter the pattern. 2. Glow in the dark stars on everything 3. Frame your posters.

OhMarie

@bluebears I'm thinking that as long as you have frames (not even nice frames, those cheap thin plastic ones are fine) that you can pull this off.

Judith Slutler

@NeverOddOrEven exactly!

bluebears

@cminor

"For me it's not the childish nature, it's just the implication that between now and your adolescence you've bought nothing new and developed no new tastes. And because I don't believe that is the case, just be aware how it comes off."

Yeah. Agreed. I mean honestly I really have almost no criteria about a dude's decor but a bedroom that looks like a collection of all his favorite shit from 6th grade is kind of odd.

Also don't be a slob. But that's a personal one because dirty looking sheets make me want to barf.

bluebears

@OhMarie I agree. Frames go a long way. For some reason.

bluebears

@NeverOddOrEven I totally get what you're saying.

NeverOddOrEven

@bluebears
A crate of comic books and shelf of figurines is silly, but next to an eames chair it's hot, you know?

gtrachel

@bluebears I'm not okay with the Spiderman comforter and even less okay with the Burger King pillowcase. I guess this guy and I shouldn't date. I agree that some childhood-ish touches can be sweet, but um, it sounds like that is not what's going on here. I would be so creeped out if I walked into this bedroom and I would find a way out as quickly as possible.

Judith Slutler

@gtrachel Yeah, the bedding... no. The bed should be about grown and sexy activities / aesthetics. Also a human being needs at least 2 sets of sheets, three are optimal!

hallelujah

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yup. Grown ass man bed is absolutely necessary. I'm not fucking anybody or anything on top of a cartoon.

leonstj

@bluebears - I think "kid stuff for grown men" is tough, because I'm a grown man, and I really love illustration.

Unfortunately, old timey medical / bird books are really expensive, so I like to buy cool childrens books. BUT I am constantly terrified that people will see a full shelf of kiddie books (I mean, i have two big bookshelves, so it's not like it would even be a significant percentage of my books, but still) and think I was some kind of weirdo, so I have limited my kid books to the absolute classics (Harold & The Purple Crayon, a Beatrix Potter Collection, a RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME Little Prince Pop-Up book - that kind of thing).

Same w/ movies. I love the shit out of alice in wonderland (mostly because, logic! it's what i did my degree in), but that is ESPECIALLY problematic, considering lewis carroll & his general creepiness, so I will NOT be getting any prints of tenniel woodcuttings or the statues from central park for my walls even if i want to.

katiemcgillicuddy

@cminor I have mentioned this before, but it is totally relevant to this convo, dudefriend has a totally grown-up-man house...and then you find the picture/playing card of Eli Manning in the bedroom which I haaaaate...but accept because it is framed. He won him two Superbowls, so I let it slide.

Hellcat

@OhMarie "Frame it" is my philosophy for just about everything hanging on my grownup walls. Framing makes it OK! Add a matte, and you're a real sophisticate with eclectic tastes. Yes.

PatatasBravas

@leon s No, no, the kid books part is fine. Great!

BUT if you have a twin-sized mattress, using Burger King sheets, and the frame is one of those plastic car shapes - I'm out.

TheLetterL

@leon s Oooh, old timey medical/bird books. *swoon* Ernst Haeckel prints? But, yes, seconding @PatatasBravas in that it sounds like you're doing a good job.

Vera Knoop

@cminor "tatters, no matter the pattern" belongs in Nicole's poetry thread.

Inkling

@cminor
That is exactly the thing. It's as grossly immature as the random creepy emails are. You encounter it and you're like "am I taking advantage of this boything/what concepts or words have I already said that he doesn't know".
It makes a dude, at best, a Ride It and Hide It except no one likes having sex on patriarchy cartoons so it's just a Hide It.

E
E

@bluebears ...Yeah I'm iffy on the 11 year old kid's room thing. I think you gotta translate it up to adult. Jim if you went home with a grown 40 year old woman who tucks her shirt in occasionally and the bedroom is pink and purple, and there are about 500 stuffed animals on the bed and those posters of puppies in flower pots...would it feel like a good place to get it on?

So I think you need to find a way to upgrade each thing. If you love sports, have a few posters, but not an overwhelming amount- stop before she thinks you'd leave her lying in a pool of blood if your favorite game was on. Maybe go for something like old timey vintage posters of the teams you like? Instead of the glowy stars, how about a framed star chart? And the bedspreads...I'm leaning towards no- maybe go for bright colors or something else.

The thing is, you shouldn't have some kind of completely joyless room that means nothing to you. But 11 year old kids basically decorate to the lowest standard of taste-kids don't know if they like antique or modern, they just want shiny stuff and lots of it. Wink towards that if you are a playful person, but find ways to make it an adult's space- in reality adults get BETTER stuff than kids do, and that should be a little bit about treating yourself that way too. You don't have to be OLD and have all eames and a cigar storage area to have a good space that feels comfortable to be in- a good chair, nice sheets, etc.

RebeccaKW

@E I agree. Maybe use the spiderman blanket as a blanket, but have a plain comforter on top. Primary colors would be fine, as long as it was clean. Get rid of the Burger King pillowcase and buy at least 2 sets of sheets. They don't have to be fancy, just clean. No woman wants sexy time in a grungy bed. Totally on board with the framing of the posters. You are an adult, you can afford to spend a few dollars on frames from Walmart. I think it's fine to want 'boyhood' items, but that you need to use them in grown-up ways. And include grown-up items, like real books that you have read on bookshelves. Actual curtains, not sheets thumb-tacked to the wall. No woman wants to date a kid, but most are happy to date a kid-at-heart.

ohyeahmetoo

@leon s I have the same worry about my (relatively small...so far) kid's book collection! Now that I have a niece I figure she'll work as an excuse in a pinch (which is actually how I justified [to myself] most of the book purchases) I would totally love it if I went to some dude's house and they had kid's books.

Agree w/everyone about the frames. I think a ton of kiddie stuff would be a turn off for me, but if there are enough adulty things in the mix, no big deal. Especially if the kid things are something you genuinely like and aren't just collecting to try and create some false nostalgia for the childhood you wished you had but didn't.

Princess Gigglyfart

Glow stars are cool. Star Wars bedding is better than Spiderman, but as long as you have good stuff on the bookshelves, the ladies will be impressed.

dj pomegranate

@Princess Gigglyfart Bookshelves are key.

adorable-eggplant

@Princess Gigglyfart Star Wars bedding would be an automatic, irrevocable NO from me. But then again I'm a Star Trek lady, so that's just how I roll.

Princess Gigglyfart

@adorable-eggplant You can be a Star Trek lady and a Star Wars lady at the same time!

gobblegirl

The last question: It's sort of creepy.
Serious answer, though I'm not sure if I'm meant to give a serious answer in response to this surrealist ballet of a post: sending that email to a girl, is not a good idea.
It is going to come across as a cowardly come-on. If you are trying to hit on them, just hit on them. And if you don't want to, don't confuse them and make them uncomfortable.
By all means tell your awesome friends that they're awesome - but do it face to face. Even in a text can work. But in an email that only says that? They are going to think you're sitting in a dark room, saying their name over and over. It's not a good look.

Beaker

@gobblegirl Man, I was trying to figure out exactly why I thought it was creepy, and you nailed it.
For some reason, drunk texting is funny and drunk emails are sketchy as fuuuuuck.

Midie

@gobblegirl

Agreed.

Sounds creepy and lame.

(but unlike the others I don't think it's any better in a text)

NeverOddOrEven

@gobblegirl
Depends on intentions for me, and his aren't clear here.

Totally platonic? Email away. I encourage it. I have a very old friend who likes to do stuff like that very randomly, and it just makes me so damn pleased every time.

Romantic? No. It's on the creepy side, and as gobblegirl said, cowardly. Not a good look for you. Also a bit childish, which when combined with #1 really isn't working in your favor.

gobblegirl

@NeverOddOrEven I think it's going to be hard for the girl to tell if it's platonic, and if she's confused she'll be uncomfortable. So just to be safe, don't do it.

NeverOddOrEven

@gobblegirl
Good point. I was assuming a mutually understood and reliably platonic situation vs something that could be open to misinterpretation.

mooseketeer

@gobblegirl I had a very platonic male friend once who would call up the day after hanging out just to tell you how much fun he had. It was the best thing ever. If he sent emails, it would be less awesome. If I thought at all that his intentions were not platonic, it would be the least awesome.

melis

Guys, I am perhaps a bit slow on the mark here, but do we know that the last LW is male? Because that might change the tenor of things.

Reginal T. Squirge

I thought all questions were from the same LW.

meetapossum

@melis They're all from Jim Behrle!

melis

@meetapossum WAIT THEN WHO IS ANSWERING THEM

Reginal T. Squirge

How strange and confusing.

highfivesforall

@melis Are these not all from Jim Behrle? I just assumed they were, since Edith said she knew him in some of the responses besides the first one that says "Jim Behrle:".

melis

@highfivesforall NO you are right I am just dumb and was thrown off by how the first one started with "Jim Behrle" as if someone were addressing Jim Behrle, and I thought "Jim Behrle wants to know" could refer either to his wanting to know your questions or wanting to know answers to his. Also these seemed like a lot of different questions for one person. Also I'm very sleepy and probably will take a nap soon.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@highfivesforall I do remember writing them all and Edith answering them all

melis

YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES MAN

highfivesforall

@Jim Behrle@twitter But maybe you dreamed that part, we may never know the truth.

Vera Knoop

@gobblegirl "Hey"

Lily Rowan

Jim Behrle! My impression is that the only 40-year-olds at church (most churches) are married with kids. You can definitely meet ladies at church, but maybe not for dating, is what I'm saying.

If you like Catholicism, I recommend trying the Episcopalians or the Methodists. Similar services!

And send people emails saying they are awesome whenever you want.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Lily Rowan In my experience, there are lots of divorced men at church looking to get down. Mostly 50ish so a 40-year-old might have good luck. Gotta find the right church, though.

I'm going to generalize hugely here and say that Unitarian Universalists are DTF. (UU Pinners, feel free to yell at me.) But UU isn't close to Catholicism if you're looking for a Catholic lite vibe.

Kristen

@Lily Rowan He could be a Unitarian!

OhMarie

@Lily Rowan Get yourself a big church and they might have an actual group for grown-up single people. (As a former Catholic I think that both Episcopal and UU are good choices, depending on how much you care about the actual God/Jesus/etc part being in your services.)

cminor

@Lily Rowan Maybe he should be a Unitarian Universalist? I can't get into it, but my friend loves her Unitarian church.

cminor

@TheclaAndTheSeals @Kristen Beat me to it!

Lily Rowan

@OhMarie I have tried that in a couple of churches, with no luck. (Either on the friendship or romance tip.)

@TheclaAndTheSeals I had never thought of UUs as being DTF! And am cracking up at the thought of using that as the main criterion for picking a church! (Not that I wouldn't.)

ms. alex

@Lily Rowan UUs are pretty awesome and laid-back, but I can't speak to the dating factor, as I've only been to a UU church as a married lady.

Alternatively, if he wanted to maybe take a kind of weird route, a Mormon Midsingles ward might be an interesting option. The congregations are made up entirely of unmarried Mormons over thirty, and everyone who isn't divorced is pretending to be a virgin but lots of them are probably not, and they tend to have more women than men. And most of them really really want to find someone. It's part of the magic of a religion that basically treats people like children until they're married and have kids.

Audley

@Lily Rowan As a former Catholic, I second the Episcopal recommendation. The liturgy's really similar but people can use birth control and gay ladies can be priests.

harebell

@Lily Rowan
My brother met his wife at a church group, so this can work! (My brother also had to get baptized as an adult, because the rest of us in the family are heathen pagans, and happily so, but that's another story).

It was a Methodist church. Nobody involved was divorced. However, it was a neighborhood just outside of a big city where there were lots of single people his age, and therefore also a fair number of single 30somethings at his church "young people group" or whatever they called it.

RNL
RNL

@Audley Yeah, I'm Canadian, so I say "Anglican", but I third the advice!

There was an Anglican divinity school were I did my undergrad, and those guys dated/fucked like crazy, but were all super nice to each other and had great energy. If I wasn't raised Orthodox Atheist I might've joined 'em.

Somewhere my love

@RNL Ah just realized Episcopal is Anglican but without the England! Yes, then this is a very good rec for Catholic-lite.
But it's more fun if you get to pray for the health of the Queen each service, just sayin'.

Bittersweet

@somewhere.my.love I would be totally into praying for the Queen's health at my (U.S.) church, but I'm guessing some of the more staunchly rah-rah Americans in my congregation would object. Politely, of course, because we're Episcopalians.

T A@twitter

@ms. alex I feel like unless you really want to marry a mormon woman, it's kind of mean to go to a Mormon singles group. An unmarried woman is really under pressure to get married, so picking her up for casual sex is kind of harsh.

ms. alex

@T A@twitter Well, no, one shouldn't pick those women. But some people there would be interested in casual sex; you'd just have to figure out who because they're probably not going to be super open about that. That's why I said it'd be weird direction to take.

But yeah. Now that I talk to mostly former Mormons, it turns out people (single Mormons) have more sex than you'd think.

cherrispryte

Protip: Put glow-in-the-dark stars on your light switches! Then when you come home late at night and are too drunk to remember where your lights are, you don't have to go groping the wall for an extended period of time while simultaneously trying to take off your coat and shoes and also not wet yourself.

Glow stars are the best, in other words.

(HA YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE SECOND QUESTION AND I DIDN'T SAY A DAMN WORD ABOUT IT. EXCEPT FOR THESE WORDS.)

Nicole Cliffe

@cherrispryte heeeee

sox
sox

@cherrispryte I might've once actually wet myself while doing this dance, but I can't confirm either way...however, I will now be making a put stop for glow stars on the way home.

tea sonata

@cherrispryte I do this. I also do this with corners of tables so i dont bump into things that want to hurt me.
As I wear glasses, when the lights are off and I've moved to a new place, these shiny smudges in the dark seem random but GOD DAMMIT they are useful.

Vera Knoop

@cherrispryte You're awesome. I might be a little tipsy.

Inkling

@cherrispryte
That's a lifehack I will be using. Inspired!
(I was also like "time to restrain, everyone knows your opinion on fat dudes, so there I won't say it except I should mention my restraint they will be impressed")

whizz_dumb

I have similar ideas about my interior decorations. My living room is pretty solid, save for my old Cubs blanket. My bedroom has 2 posters that came folded up in record sleeves (indie rock bands), they're put up with thumb tacks and that makes me think it's immature. Framed stuff is just so much better.

Judith Slutler

@whizz_dumb I'm not a fan of frames tbh. I like the binder clips and nails method of hanging things up.

whizz_dumb

@Emmanuelle Cunt I like that idea. Simple, yet, eloquent. I guess it's the thumb tacks that are, well...tacky.

Judith Slutler

Re: #2, wouldn't it be easier to say... try out some new stuff clothing-wise? Because if you lose a bunch of weight you'll have to buy new clothes anyway. Signed, someone who only watches what she eats because she likes her current collection of pants so much

cminor

@Emmanuelle Cunt I am currently wearing pants 2 sizes too large (with no plans to replace) because they still stay up and look okay and they're just for occasional work wear (conservative office). Plus if I gain some weight they'll still fit.

jbird

You need to buy new bedding. I'm sure a lady who really likes you isn't really going to care, but just do it anyway. If you are really attached to your Spiderman comforter, you can always keep it and have it as a nap time / sofa blanket. You could ask a nice lady who you meet at Episcopal church / a cult to help you pick something new out. Or maybe that would be weird. Yeah maybe just ask a friend or go by yourself. Also, you could put your sports sounding people posters in frames to make them look a bit more grown up. Just some thoughts. Good luck with your new place!

gobblegirl

@jbird God yes. You need to own grownup sheets, and more than one set. Please.
If you have spiderman sheets she is going to assume you never change your bed. Sorry to be dropping such unpleasant truth bombs, but I'm right.

mooseketeer

@jbird oh yeah, spiderman blanket on the couch would be awesome! Spiderman blanket on the bed, lazy.

baked bean

@jbird Are butterfly sheets for an adult female inappropriate? Because... that's what I have. And sometimes I use my Peanuts pillowcase, I accidentally drooled on Charlie Brown (sorry Chuck).

Judith Slutler

So here's a decorating question: buy a white orchid for my room, y/n?

NeverOddOrEven

@Emmanuelle Cunt
Yes! I've always wanted one, but just know I'll kill it or the animals will destroy it, and they're expensive.

Judith Slutler

@NeverOddOrEven Are they really that easy to kill...?

bluebears

@Emmanuelle Cunt I have one in my living room and it's beautiful and has lasted a good two years at this point.

bluebears

@NeverOddOrEven I have three cats! They're not into it. I don't know why.

NeverOddOrEven

@Emmanuelle Cunt
Dunno, but we seem to have our ways.

cminor

@Emmanuelle Cunt I've been wanting an orchid for a while too, and I think I just need to tell my self, even if I kill it, at the worst I'm out $40 and I got to look at a pretty flower for several weeks.
What's bad about that?

jilt

@cminor $40 is even way too much for an orchid, unless you're going with something really rare and exotic. If you just want to try the idea out, $20 will do it.

cherrispryte

@cminor The Whole Foods orchids tend to be pretty hardy and pretty cheap, in my experience. And they're somewhere around $20.

harebell

@Emmanuelle Cunt
Yes!
They are beautiful and oddly hardy - and they blossom again on their own! Even though I neglect mine terribly when I go on long trips, it not only survives, but this February it budded and 5 new blossoms bloomed, no fertilizer at all involved. They have so far stuck around for nearly a month now.

As you probably know, the key is to occasionally drench it in water for 5-10 minutes and then let all the water drain out completely in the sink before your put it back in its pot. Unlike other plants, they don't like to sit in moist soil or water -- they just like to be drenched by the occasional torrential monsoon downpour.

RNL
RNL

@Emmanuelle Cunt YES! Buy one where most of the buds are closed. Put an ice cube or two in the pot every two weeks or so. It will have flowers for months. Think of it this way: even if you kill it, you have like 3 months of pretty flowers first. Cut flowers cost the same, and only last a week. ORCHIDS FTW.

I love orchids very much, and today my boyfriend sent me birthday orchids at work and it's great and really I'm just taking this moment to brag.

OH get an orchid and read the Orchid Thief. It's great!

MilesofMountains

@Emmanuelle Cunt They are so hard to kill! I'm hard on plants and I had one in continuous bloom for over a year. It's looking a little ragged now, so I'd suggest not accidentally tricking it into doing that, but it was so worth it. Just don't baby it: make it wait until it's really dry before watering it and don't give it too much light.

cminor

@jilt @cherrispryte Rounded up a bit after a quick internet search but having just been to Whole Foods I can confirm that they are $20

Reginal T. Squirge

I'm drawing so many boyfriend metaphors from this thread re: orchid care.

Hellcat

@Emmanuelle Cunt I saw something called a lavender mist orchid (at Home Depot of all places) and it was the most beautiful thing; I actually stood there and read the whole thing about how to take care of it, worrying the whole time about accidentally ruining it. I didn't end up getting it though because, for whatever reason, after the bright blue flower dies, it comes back white... which is nice too, but it sort of stifled my excitement.

I am not sure why I told this story other than the flower was so, so beautiful and I got excited. Carry on...

RNL
RNL

@Hellcat Next time buy it! Life is short.

jilt

@Hellcat This got me interested, so I googled it. Turns out the Lavender Mist is just a white orchid injected with blue dye! From an orchid forum:

"Using a small needled syringe, inject blue food coloring into the base of the spike of any white phal. within a week or two prior to the bud opening (depending on how much color you want--veiny or within the whole petal)."

Kind of robs it of specialness, but also means you could keep the look. The same forum also said that if you inject black dye, the flower separates it out and you get multicolored petals. I'm tempted to try it...

Hellcat

@jilt OHHHH! Holy crap, that did not even cross my mind (oh, duh me!) because the color was just mesmerizing--I've always been a sucker for deep blue. But why not--maybe I'll go back and nab me that orchid!

Lumpy Space Princess

@Emmanuelle Cunt man, screw that whole foods noise. you gotta trader joe's in your town? their orchids start at $7.99. Who cares if you kill that!

Hellcat

@Lumpy Space Princess You just reminded me of something! Two weeks ago, for my mom's birthday, I ordered a small bamboo plant with maybe eight stalks (?) in it. That thing, through FTD or ProFlowers or whatever, was $80! Then, on the same day I saw the beautiful blue orchid, I also saw a similar bamboo plant (at Home Depot) for about $12! What the hell? I was all fired up to demand an answer from the place I ordered it and then I forgot. Maybe I should because what the hell?

Lumpy Space Princess

@Hellcat Give em hell, Hellcat!

PaprikaPants

Definitely become a Quaker. It's the best. You'll meet the greatest ladies, and they don't judge you for anything, even joining a church to meet women.

ETA: They also shake hands at the end, and are really into peace.

whizz_dumb

@PaprikaPants I'm temped to search "quaker ladies" now. Peace be with you.

whizz_dumb

It's a flower: "Houstonia caerulea. This small perennial wildflower is about 3-6" tall, consisting of a rosette of basal leaves and one or more flowering stems with opposite leaves. The basal leaves are about ½" long, medium green, elliptic or oblanceolate in shape, glabrous, and smooth along their margins. The unbranched stems are light green, 4-angled, glabrous, and more or less erect. The opposite leaves, which are widely spaced along each stem, are ¼" long or less, medium green, linear-elliptic in shape, glabrous, sessile, and smooth along their margins..."

baked bean

@PaprikaPants I've been tempted to check out the Quakers, but I'm in the wrong part of the country I think.

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb Every time I hear "Peace be with you" (um, every week), I think in my head, "And also with your mom," because I am twelve.

H.E. Ladypants

@PaprikaPants I go to Quaker Meetings! Really they are the best.

EpWs

@par_parenthese Since I was raised both Episcopal and Star Wars (at the same time) I hear "May the Force be with you" and want to respond with "And also with you."

Momster

@PaprikaPants Yes to Quakers! If he tries out a meeting in NJ he might go to the one my parents attend and he could become friends with a couple of very nice 64-year-olds! WHICH I'M SURE IS WHAT HE WANTS. A bonus: when new people come to my meeting (which is large and always has visitors/newcomers) and introduce themselves everyone else says "welcome!" and sometimes that's just nice to hear a bunch of people say to you all at once. Also Quakers are all into loving everybody, so, you know. I think you could pretty easily find a Friendly someone to "Hold in the Light" if you know what I mean.

Bittersweet

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My priest has this joke in the signature line of her emails.

ba-na-nas

@PaprikaPants Yes to Quaker meeting! Also, if you think you're in an unfriendly part of the country (like Texas!), you might find that Quaker meeting is a really good place to meet like-minded people.

Story #2

If you are into offering people peace, I recommend Islam. Perhaps not go good for meeting ladies, though. (Though there are nice liberal mosques you can go to, where you can meet awesome ladies. Not sure where they are in Jersey, though.)

Jim Behrle@twitter

Also: I kind of want to get either a bunk bed for my room or one of those race car beds. Aren't twin beds sexier than a big huge bed the size of Lichtenstein? Because then you practically have to cuddle.

leonstj

@Jim Behrle@twitter - I think what is the best, bed-shapes wise, is to get one of the beds w/ the tall furniture towers sticking out of all of the corners.

They are good because ladies think "oooooh, this is a grown-up w/ romantical man furniture" (I think that's what they think, my bed is just one of those rollie metal frames, a boxspring, and a mattress. it's full, not twin, icywi hairpin). SO, it is good for the ladies.

At the same time, you can also run strings or whatever from tower-to-tower, and hang up big blankets or dropcloths or something over it, and then, BOOM, instant fort. OR, you can lay in bed w/ one of those planetarium projectors resting on your belly, and your bed is now a planetarium. Those things are like, $60, which means you do that like, 4 times, and it's already cheaper than if you were just a regular at the for real planetarium (although, they don't have laser light shows, unless maybe you or someone you know is a bar/bat mitzvah dj, in which case, you could borrow the lasers there for your laser light shows).

Reginal T. Squirge

@Jim Behrle@twitter

It's always a good idea to take a way a woman's options until she has no choice but to be close to you.

RNL
RNL

@Jim Behrle@twitter Bunk beds, and make her sleep on top.

PistolPackinMama

@Jim Behrle@twitter Surrealist ballet answer: a dog bed for a very large pup would entice ladies to curl up with you. One of the really big ones, for like, great Danes or whatever.

Real answer: I would be slowly backing away from a race car bed. And wondering what kind of inhibitions you had that you hadn't bought yourself a grown-up bed if you had a single. Also, I overheat, so no to forced cuddling for comfort reasons.

Re: weight. You'd better just do whatever strikes your fancy there because someone will think whatever option you choose is hot. Maybe check with a pro first, because kidneys and health and things. Recreational weight loss is not worth it if it means you spill ketones and reek like nail polish remover all the time.

T A@twitter

@Jim Behrle@twitter Get a big bed. A big, comfy bed with lots of pillows and nice, clean sheets. You could have Spiderman wallpaper, and I would not care(I'd even be impressed) but if you try to force me to sleep in a twin bed with another person, I will suddenly remember that I have to go to church early to prepare the altar (Episcopal!).

re:Weight loss- yo-yo dieting is bad for your health. If you are bored, buy new clothes or go on vacation.

antilamentation

@Jim Behrle@twitter If you want to go down the novelty bed/bedding route, have you googled Tauntaun sleeping bag?

Because if I saw one of these on someone's bed, I would just have to climb into it to try it out. I'm just sayin'.

Also once you have checked out the Tauntaun sleeping bag, google AT-AT bed. Look, a racing car bed is kind of a known quantity, if you see what I mean. We all know what one of those is. There's not much surprise factor (beyond the age thing.) But how many people would be expecting an AT-AT bed? At any age? If you want to be surprising, I suggest you go the whole hog and go AT-AT.

kimberussell

Is this one of those articles that is either satire or trolling depending on how hard you squint at it?

cowgirlinthesand

@Jim Behrle@twitter My ex got a king size bed shortly before we broke up and it was terrible. All spooning ended, and while we definitely broke up due to him cheating, I would never go bigger than a queen again! So yeah, go with a twin if that makes you happy. If the girl doesn't like cuddling, it wasn't meant to be. And a car bed sounds pretty "racy" so with the right lady, I'm sure it would really, you know, "get her motor going"...

Tuna Surprise

Apparently, I've dated Jim's twin brother already without knowing it. My experiences with Bizarro Jim, as relates to your query, as follows:

1. When we started getting it on, he slept on a futon in his momma's living room. And it was broken. If he got up suddenly, the futon would tip me off the other side onto the floor. Lesson learned: desire to bone overcomes all obstacles.

2. Bizarro Jim went from 180 - 200 and back again. I prefer 'em skinny. But also admit that a little padding is nice. Not really a dealbreaker.

3. Bizarro Jim belonged to a small (some may say cultish religion) and let me tell you, HE CLEANED UP! We used to joke about how he could start his own cult and only have lady followers. In fact, I once went to church with him and one of his lady-followers basically had a meltdown because she saw the two of us together. Long story short, it ended up with her being slapped with a restraining order.

4. Bizarro Jim uses the neg. Also, sarcastic humor in general. Try hitting her with something that will make her laugh rather than make her blush.

cherrispryte

@Tuna Surprise Were you dating Gaius Baltar?

par_parenthese

@cherrispryte I laughed REALLY, REALLY loudly at this and then felt super exultant because I FINALLY GET BSG JOKES

km1312

@cherrispryte Ack Gaius Baltar is absolutely a devotee of The Game

EggsErroneous

3. A Good place to meet ladies is the laundromat where you're washing your conversation starter Spiderman "nap time/couch time/reading books in the park time bedding" AND your "1200 thread count feels so good against naked skin master bedroom bedding."

4. Life is too short not to let people know how great you think they are. As long as your motive is "I want this person to know how great I think he/she is."

Yarnybarny

Church is a great place to meet ladies! If a single man in his 30s or 40s started to regularly come to my church all the single ladies (there aren't a huge amount but more than a few) would be so, so happy. Myself included. Not because I would immediately be attracted to him, because I might not be, but because it would prove that there are single guys out there that are open to having a religious outlet in their life. This is the same for my volunteering gigs. Sometimes I feel like single guys must be spending all their free time alone, playing video games in a basement somewhere. Super depressing.

RNL
RNL

@Yarnybarny Um, yup, they are.

Midie

A guy who rents an apartment in my house has lots of toys and action figures, and, while I'm not looking for love, I think it's very charming.

He has them set up all nice on a shelf that he installed, and just generally maintains the place well, so it comes off as endearing and not childish, in my opinion.

par_parenthese

@Midie Oh totally, I think display quality is the difference between "Legit Grownup Hobby" and "PAGING DOCTOR FREUD."

Oh, squiggles

1. Full on 11yo bedroom is a turnoff, because women aren't really into children who look like full grown men, despite what the movie Big (starring Tom Hanks) might have led you to believe. I think you can find a good balance though. Nice bedding is a good idea, soft and clean. Frames for the posters, as already suggested, is a good idea. There is nothing wrong with showing off prized possessions, or things that highlight your interests, but how you choose to display them can make a huge difference between looking like an adult with well rounded interests and looking like someone stuck in the past/overly childish.

2. From what I understand, yoyo dieting isn't that healthy. Sounds like you like yourself the way you are, which is an amazing gift, don't give it up! Once again, I like the previously posted idea that you play around with wardrobe/style choices to change up your look. Since a previous set of questions involved new glasses, I would say try getting a few different pairs (if this is financially feasible), in different enough styles, so that you can play around with switching those when you feel the need for a change.

3. Personal feelings about religion aside (I'm not a fan), I don't think joining one to meet ladies is a great idea. Maybe try a volunteer group? Do some good for the world/meet people who also want to do some good?

4. I fall into the group who believes that it's always a good idea to tell someone something nice! Although, it can be tricky, since it may come across as a come-on, so just be aware of that, if that's not what you are trying to do. And since it sounds like you are only sending these emails to ladies (why don't the fellas get any love?) it seems like you might be wanting more out of the email, than just letting them know that they are awesome.

sox
sox

Re: meeting ladies. Go to a Hairpin meetup? You seem pretty popular around here.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@sox I went to one! I ended up just talking to Lauri Apple, who is awesome

sox
sox

@Jim Behrle@twitter Like church, my child, you must go regularly. Don't give up, don't give up; you could be lucky in love.

chrysopoeia

https://www.facebook.com/groups/nychairpinners/ Join our church.

raised amongst catalogs

@sox It's hard to be lucky in love.

caddyr

I guess it all depends on whether you want to date a someone close to your own age or you want to date a girl straight out of college. The younger 20somethings will find all the childish stuff charming. The 30something ladies looking to get serious with someone will leave without even making out with you. Anyone who's turning 40 and seems to live in a state of perpetual adolescence won't seem like a catch to a woman who's been around the block more than once. But if you want a whimsical MPDG, go for the quirk.

Miss Maszkerádi

A nice High-Church Episcopalian parish would probably be a decent bet, if you like stained glass and incense and the formal ritualy aspects of church. Episcopals/Anglicans these days are sort of like Catholics with significantly less bullshit.

antilamentation

I have glow-in-the-dark sheep stuck around the top crosspiece bars of my four poster bed.

In or around the bed are several San Francisco Giants-related cuddly toys (2 pandas and an elephant.) Some of these are gifts from the boyfriend.

Around the new year I got a load of Buster Posey baseball cards off eBay and split them with the boyfriend, some for his collection and some for mine. Also last year he got me a little card album just for my almost complete set of Topps 2012 Opening Day Mascot Cards, some acquired when we were at a sports collectors convention in Baltimore last year, some from eBay. I'm just missing Mr Mets now.

In conclusion if you find someone who digs the same things you dig, no problems. And also GO GIANTS!

Lumpy Space Princess

1) a. people are right about framing the posters. b. maybe if you invest in nice quality clothes it will look more mature and compensate for you not tucking in your shirt. c. an ex of mine strung the glowy stars up with clear fishing line at all different heights and it looked really beautiful and magical and 3-d. do that with your glow stars. d. just leave the lights off if you don't know her well.

2 + 3) don't do shit like that to your body, it's not healthy! if you want to lose weight 'for fun', start going to the gym and nutritionist and whatever healthy people do, and make working out your new religion! you can meet all kinds of sessy ladies at gyms and marathons and stuff like that. and probably your nutritionist will be a sensitive lady who sees the inner you and happens to like comics so she cooks you healthy delicious meals before you do it on your spiderman bed and she takes the burger king pillowcase ironically because otherwise it makes her cringe too much, but she thinks you're great otherwise.

4) I thought this was an awesome idea until I read all the commentors who thought it was creepy. : / Maybe add a disclaimer sentence to the email? The only other problem I see is that whenever I've gotten something like this, I get really excited that maybe someone and I have clicked on a deeper level, and I usually write some long email back, thinking this is the go-ahead for revealing all kinds of inner stuff, and then when I inevitably get little or nothing back, I feel embarrassed and worse than if I'd written back nothing. so keep that in mind, for your more sensitive friends.

Good luck on your move, Jim!!

fondue with cheddar

Jim! Where in New Jersey?

I second people's suggestions about framing your posters. I'm your age and I still have posters from college in frames decorating my house, and people compliment them! And to be honest, if they're all sports posters (one of each sport, even!) it looks totally grown-up and themey; whereas a poster of Bobby Bonilla alongside Bruce Li, Optimus Prime, and Eddie Van Halen looks more like an 11-year-old's room.

I also second people's suggestions about the Unitarian Universalist Church. A friend of mine joined a few years ago to meet people and to explore different religions. She found it a very open and welcoming environment.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@fondue with cheddar Jersey City!

fondue with cheddar

@Jim Behrle@twitter Damn. There are lots of North Jersey 'Pinners but very few (if any) down here in the South. I was hoping you might tip the balance. In any case, you appear to be in good company. :)

km1312

"bigger guys are more attractive than smaller ones," YUP.

Scandyhoovian

1: Frame the posters. Ditch the Burger King pillowcase. Nerdy sheets are OK (so long as you're not a Brony, I think that MLP would look creepy in a grown man's bedroom) but maybe pair them up with solid colored duvet covers and pillow shams to adult it up a little bit.

2: It's your body, do what you want. Yo-yo weight is not something I would aim for or call awesome because of the health implications, but I am not you. Re: health implications, you do not seem to care, so do what makes you happy.

4: It would seriously depend on who sent the email whether or not a single-line "I think you are awesome" would creep me out. Err on the side of caution with that stuff.

Tulletilsynet

I know this is New Jersey, but do you have an artisanal chamber pot?

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