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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

679

If '90s Dude-Crushes Were Food

Katie Walsh and Mary Miller continue to ask themselves the most important questions.

KW: Chris O’Donnell was my first crush in Batman Forever.
MM: School Ties was mine, for him. Definitely a good one. He fell off the face of the earth!
KW: I saw him at LAX one time and was like OHMAHGAAHHH!
MM: SHUT UP. Was he hot? Was he short?
KW: He was very dadlike. Surrounded by kids, a dog, luggage — but hot.
MM: Of course.
MM: Cute, but he’s the Cream-of-Wheat of men. The American Cheese of men?
KW: The grilled cheese on white bread with American cheese of men.


MM: ...dipped in ranch. Of men.

KW: What's Keanu? Quinoa or something. 
MM: Quinoaneau Reeves!
KW: Something vaguely "exotic" but boring. Like Keanu.

MM: I had it so bad for him when Speed came out. He was the whole WORLD.
KW: Keanu in Speed and Chris in Batman Forever were when I understood HOTNESS.
MM: It was a beautiful time. Okay, what about Brendan Fraser? Beef stew?
KW: Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

MM: LOL. I’m dying over here. DINTY MOORE.
MM: What is it, even? "Hello my name is Dinty. Dinty Moore."
KW: What's Dinty short for?
MM: Dinton?
KW: What about ... Jared Leto?
MM: Jared is ... oh man. I just got nervous thinking about Jared in the '90s.
MM: I mean, my vote would be an ice cream sundae. What about you?
KW: Actually for some reason I thought sushi. I think I'm just thinking about what these men might eat.

MM: And I am like, what would they BE LIKE TO EAT.
MM: But yes, he would eat sushi I bet. I miss '90s Jared so much.
KW: He was dangerously hot.
MM: What about ... JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS! Runts?
KW: Oh God. Mac and cheese with hot dogs.

MM: Aaaaaahh! Brilliant. Also: yum, I want that right now.
KW: ... that sounds really good.
MM: Luke Perry is huevos rancheros.

KW: Jason Priestley = turkey sandwich. And a coke and a bag of chips.

MM: I can't type, I'm crying.
MM: And Ian Ziering is...
MM: Gatorade.
KW: Yellow Gatorade.

MM: And an energy bar. YELLOW GATORADE!
KW: A peanut butter Powerbar.

 

Katie Walsh and Mary Miller are writers based in LA and Portland, respectively. They share a love for dudes and foods.



679 Comments / Post A Comment

Anne Helen Petersen

Clearly Jared Leto is a pack of cigarettes and cup of diner coffee.

gobblegirl

@Anne Helen Petersen I was just thinking cigarette and poptart! Any sort of disgusting quasi-food that you regret immediately after eating.
Alternately, something where you question the code-compliance of the facility in which it was prepared, like midnight street poutine.

EpWs

@gobblegirl There's a poem in here, I can feel it.

bitzyboozer

@Anne Helen Petersen The thought that immediately came to mind was tater tot nachos. Totchos.

sox
sox

@gobblegirl I actually thought late night Taco Bell drive thru....

martinipie

@Anne Helen Petersen I feel like he WANTS everyone to think he is cigarettes and coffee, though, and is really a Hostess donut.

cminor

@martinipie Gary Oldman is cigarettes and coffee.
Jared Leto is gas station ice cream.

RubeksCube

@cminor YES and YES.

gobblegirl

@martinipie The common denominator in all these suggestions is "bad ideas and sadness." I think that's appropriate.

Mary Miller

@bitzyboozer Totchos! @martinipie "...is really a hostess donut!" #ded

Beatrix Kiddo

@Anne Helen Petersen Jordan Catalano always did drink his coffee "black, with three or four sugars."

Sella Turcica

@Anne Helen Petersen My gut response to Jared Leto was Chili Cheese Fries. Like from Sonic or a really greasy diner. Soo bad for you, but kind of, easily accessible. Approachable. He was the only guy I had an immediate food response to on the first scroll through. But it was strong.
Wow I want chili cheese fries now.

batgirl

@Anne Helen Petersen Actually, that would be Ethan Hawke, circa Reality Bites.

You, me, five bucks, good conversation. Right?

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Keanu in Speed and Chris in Batman Forever were when I understood HOTNESS.

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Sassafrass

I love grilled cheese on white bread with American cheese! And Chris O'Donnell in Batman Forever - I think that may have been my first hollywood crush awakening as well. Actually reading this makes me realize my lust may still be in the late 90s. Explains a lot about my dating life, lol.

Anne Helen Petersen

@Sassafrass We need to talk about Mad Love.

Sassafrass

@Sassafrass Also, well done. This was a very warming, comforting read. Like tomato soup... to go with the grilled cheese.

Sassafrass

@Anne Helen Petersen Yes. Mad Love, so perfectly named, so perfectly representative of it's time. Seattle, flannel, Chris O'Donnell, Drew Barrymore, angst, love. It was great.

Elsajeni

@Sassafrass Yeah, that sandwich sounds the most delicious to me out of anything in this post, and that picture of Chris O'Donnell awakened a crush I had completely forgotten about.

teaandcakeordeath

@Sassafrass
Can I also submit 'Circle of Friends'? (Though his charachter was sort of a juicebox)

C_Webb

@teaandcakeordeath And his irish accent was atrocious. LOVE that movie. EVIL IRISH ALAN CUMMINGS.

meetapossum

@teaandcakeordeath Circle of Friends is when I fell in love with Chris O'Donnell.

chrysopoeia

@meetapossum And he falls for the chubby girl! This movie seriously spoke to me.

meetapossum

@chrysopoeia Exactly! I identified with Benny so much.

becky@twitter

@Anne Helen Petersen i wanted him to stare at me through a telescope. actually, was drew barrymore in that movie the first manic pixie dream girl?

teaandcakeordeath

@meetapossum
You mustn't mess me about. I know I may look like a rhinoceros, but I've got quite a thin skin really.
Oh Benny, why aren't I brave enough to say this? Oh because it always makes me cry.

meetapossum

@teaandcakeordeath I'm actually tearing up reading that. Bennnnyyy.

jams

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Jill_Tata

This is beautiful !@k

breccia

This is the most accurate post about anything, ever.

PatatasBravas

Katie and Mary are speaking truth to power.

iceberg

@breccia right? I want to come up with one but I just don't think I'll be as on the money as these clearly are. I was like *nods* at ALL of them.

teaandcakeordeath

@breccia
I sort of want to eat all of these foods as an homage to how good the post is (and Im hungry. hungry for 90s crushes.)

RK Fire

@PatatasBravas I have gotten really tired of the phrase "truth to power" but I think you've hit upon the only context that I think is acceptable.

PatatasBravas

@RK Fire It can only be used well when used absurdly.

EpWs

Important, possibly vital question: who is the Qream of men?

raised amongst catalogs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Kevin Federline?

MoxyCrimeFighter

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Justin Bieber.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Pharrell Williams, its cofounder?

JessicaLovejoy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Literally any man with a thumb ring or long nails? Congratulations, you're a disgrace.

EpWs

@raised amongst catalogs This is a SOLID choice. Oily, not quite relevant. Lacks the targeted marketing towards the ladies, though. Biebs is also solid but lacks the irrelevance (sadly).

PatatasBravas

JAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA send for our Qream Qaptain!

MoxyCrimeFighter

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher OH OH OH, nope, Harry Styles just got a giant butterfly tattooed on his chest, it's Harry Styles, IT'S HARRY STYLES. I know tween girls love him, but they would also probably like Qream if someone gave it to them.

sox
sox

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher TI has my vote.

Lucienne

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Present day Jared Leto.

Mary Miller

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Kevin Richardson from The Backstreet Boys.

Edith Zimmerman

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If Qream were actually guilty-pleasure delicious, it might be Riff Raff. But it's not, so ... KFed isn't bad ... but we'd need someone going for more class ...

pajamaralls

@Edith Zimmerman What is Riff Raff, though? Is there a food colorful enough?

Jolie Kerr

@Edith Zimmerman Rob Kardashian?

PatatasBravas

@Jolie Kerr OH MY GOD

Mary Miller

@Jolie Kerr wins!

Jolie Kerr

@Mary Miller That helps to take the sting out of Katie Hairpin chat-post cheating on me with you. (Threesome next time?)

Mary Miller

@Jolie Kerr Aaaah, but Katie and I chat-posted together on here way back in 2010!!! #dudes #pubes

Jolie Kerr

@Mary Miller Let's snap her in half like a wishbone and each carry our part of her around in a pocket, or wee drawstring purse.

Related: Seth Green = a wishbone

EpWs

@Jolie Kerr BAM. Rob Kardashian, on the NOSE.

raised amongst catalogs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher This is one of those times when I feel grateful and humbled just to have witnessed greatness.

MoxyCrimeFighter

Gerard Butler: taco meat with too much cumin.

Bittersweet

@MoxyCrimeFighter ...and a liberal sprinkling of cheese.

LacunaKale

I need to know about the food choices inspired by the Rolling Stone X Files cover.

C_Webb

@LacunaKale I associate the X Files being on the air with having people over in my first very own apartment, which would mean I was serving barely-roasted chicken, lentil soup, and awesome chocolate chip cookies with melted caramels in them.

JessicaLovejoy

Rider Strong - banana rolled in Nestle Quik powder

Mary Miller

@JessicaLovejoy Genius.

NeverOddOrEven

@JessicaLovejoy
OH MY GOD WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT TO DO THIS?
And here I am, spending $5 on a box of Banana Babies.

anachronistique

@JessicaLovejoy actual tears of laughter, omg.

EggsErroneous

@JessicaLovejoy Oh man. Memories of my bff and myself cracking each other up with "Rider Strong, all night long."

par_parenthese

RIP: Par_, killed by this post.

(Also, NOBODY HAD A CRUSH ON IAN ZIERING. NOBODY!!!)

Oh, squiggles

@par_parenthese Who could stomach yellow gatorade and a peanut butter powerbar?

MrsLlama

@par_parenthese *quietly raises hand*

I totes did! Although some of it might have been my innate need to be a pretentious contrarian.

Mrs. Grundy

@MrsLlama I did things like this too. It's like saying Danny is your favorite NKOTB. It is just not in any way possible that you think he is the cutest, but you refuse to say Jordan or Joey, because then you would be just like everyone else and you are DIFFERENT.

Slapfight

According to my dude: Luke Perry is not huevos rancheros... He is bananas foster
with the alcohol burned out. Since you don't want Dylan to go back on the bottle." THIS is why he is my dude.

Alli525

@Slapfight Does he have an identical twin brother/cousin/relative, preferably not evil, for me? That IS the perfect dude.

Slapfight

@Alli525 Sadly, he is an only child.

lucy snowe

If Brendan Fraser is Dinty Moore beef stew, then I'm guessing Dinty Moore might have some nutritious and flavorful surprises once you open the stupid can.

Ever see 'Gods and Monsters'? I thought he was really good in that. And 'Blast From the Past' is one of those surprisingly delightful movies, like 'Galaxy Quest', where your expectations are very low going in but you come out grinning.

Hm. Beefy.

par_parenthese

@lucy snowe BLAST FROM THE PAST I will love that movie forever IT IS PERFECT. Sissy Spacek and Christopher Walken and Alicia Silverstone and "Oh my lucky stars, a negro," and "I thought only hookers drank those." "Well, I know mom sure likes 'em," and "Thanks for always being so happy!"?!? And Nathan Fillion is in it!! SO GOOD.

lora.bee

@pare_parenthese "I love Lucy!"
"Who doesn't, she's hilarious."

Ahh, that movie.

Lyssachelle

@lucy snowe Gods and Monsters was good, SO GOOD.

Which makes me wonder, what would Ian McKellan be???

iceberg

@Lyssachelle a glass of port and a really good chocolate truffle?

cminor

@iceberg Lee Pace is my glass of port. Mmmm port.

lucy snowe

@Lyssachelle Hmm. Old whiskey in strong coffee.

Though I do love a good port. Maybe a bit sweet for him, though.

Bittersweet

@cminor Lee Pace. Lee Pace! Lee Pace.

cminor

@Bittersweet Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day!!!

The Littlest Elf

@lucy snowe I stand by "School Ties," although he's not the best thing about that movie.

(The best thing is Matt Damon as the antagonist, who does what he does out of...jealousy? Bigotry? Snobbishness? A sense of betrayal? Some weird triangulated desire thing, foreshadowed by the use of "Three Coins in the Fountain" during the dance sequence? No, ALL OF THE ABOVE.)

(Also, "Smokey Joe's Cafe.")

MaxBraverman

Carrot Top was Pop Rocks

Mary Miller

@MaxBraverman aaaahhhh!

NeverOddOrEven

@MaxBraverman
Were talking about crushes here. No. Stricken from the record.

Oh, squiggles

Justin Timberlake...Arby's curly fries

area@twitter

@Absurd Bird Slapping my thigh and chortling.

Mary Miller

@Absurd Bird area@twitter Same.

teebs

@Absurd Bird Ramen noodles

Oh, squiggles

@teebs It's the hair, isn't it?

MaxBraverman

Matt Leblanc was Baked Ziti

Reginal T. Squirge

Surely, a meatball sandwich. Surely.

Reginal T. Squirge

Strike that. Sloppy joe, obvs.

Valley Girl

@MaxBraverman @Reginal T. Squirge These answers start great and get subsequently better.

Reginal T. Squirge

This might be the first time I saw a list like this and was really glad only white dudes were mentioned (yeah, I know, Keanu kinda/sorta, etc.). I started reading and was worried it was going to get real racist real fast. Or maybe that's just where my mind goes?

Oh, squiggles

@Reginal T. Squirge Why did you think it would get racist?

Slapfight

@Reginal T. Squirge Lenny Kravitz = hemp granola and a bottle of Patron Silver. And you eat that granola by the fistful, cause goddamn it's good.

iceberg

@Absurd Bird I also would like to know this.

nonvolleyball

@Absurd Bird because it's the internet. & after enough times of being horrified by seemingly unintentional internet racism, you start getting uneasy anytime the conditions are right.

(I had the same reaction, & also the same relief after I read through--although I do endorse the Lenny Kravitz addendum.)

Reginal T. Squirge

Yeah, what @nonvolleyball but, to be more specific, I was worried it was going to be like, black dude --> soul food; asian dude --> asian food; hispanic dude --> hispanic food. Not a knock against the authors at all. My mind just went there but they did a great job of avoiding that!

Reginal T. Squirge

@Slapfight did a great job, too!

iceberg

@nonvolleyball you know what I am worried is really racist? I actually can't think of any non-white 90's crush dudes, off the top of my head. Current ones, like, a billion, but not 90's ones.

cminor

@iceberg I think that this is probably more systemic of the lack of POC in hot guy roles. (Or any roles at all for that matter.)

nonvolleyball

@iceberg does Mario Lopez count? I feel like he counts.

...the other character who popped into my head was Aladdin, but I'm thinking no on that one.

Reginal T. Squirge

@iceberg

You just really, really hurt Will Smith's feelings (and also basically all rappers).

iceberg

@Reginal T. Squirge OH MY GOD Will Smith! But of course he was more goofy back then, not as crush-y. He'd be some kind of Little Debbie cake.

And yes, Mario Lopez. Something with cheese for that guy. Maybe a corn dog dipped in Velveeta.

RubeksCube

@Slapfight This is my favorite so far...YUM.

Judith Slutler

@iceberg What about Denzel? Was he 90s? Or, for the younger Pinners, maybe Levar Burton? (I'd say steak + potatoes, and a peanut butter sandwich on wheat toast still warm from the toaster, respectively.)

Reginal T. Squirge

Denzel is timeless.

Oh, squiggles

@Emmanuelle Cunt I was thinking Denzel was a perfectly cooked steak with a glass of red wine. Classic, wholesome, and something to sink your teeth into.

adorable-eggplant

@SuperGogo I did. Although my main squeeze from the 90s was Denzel as Don Pedro (as a super-nerd and lover of older men), so much so that I just spent 15 minutes trying to find this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFouXO9hIbE OH MY GOD it still makes my ears warm.

OhMarie

@Emmanuelle Cunt @Reginal T. Squirge I was watching Flight the other day and thinking about how people just aren't into Denzel like they used to be. Am I wrong?

Will Smith is definitely something sweet, but I'm thinking more like a breakfast food--pancakes with syrup? Cinnamon french toast?

RK Fire

@cminor Denzel Washington? Or does Denzel transcend the decades and act as a Hot Guy of the Late 20th Century? Also: Jaleel White as Stephan (hahahahaha), Jaime Foxx.

Someone else has to come up with the food though, 'cause I'm totally blanking out here.

adorable-eggplant

@Absurd Bird Yes! And a side of potatoes gratin with gruyere. Much Ado put him on the radar for my 9 year old self, and that came out in '93.

ETA: Much Ado also ensured that I would NEVER had a crush on Keanu. He was the worst.

ETA2: I have rewatched that clip an embarrassing number of times. Every second is perfect, and I <3 you too, Emma Thompson.

Oh, squiggles

@iceberg Aw, I totally crushed on 90s Will Smith! Hmm...Krispy Kreme donut with sprinkles?

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant Denzel as Don Pedro was the perfect casting choice. I mean you just know that Beatrice must have been crazy about Benedict, because WHO TURNS DOWN A PROPOSAL FROM A PRINCE WHO IS ALSO DENZEL WASHINGTON?

gobblegirl

@Reginal T. Squirge I have a feeling Denzel is too much of a grownup. He just seems generationally/tonality outside the crushable demographic. Neither he nor very many rappers, were made into posters you could tear out of teenager magazines (which is the type of celebrity on the rest of the list).
Will Smith would be some kind of exciting carnival food, I think. Cotton candy, but in a good way.

iceberg

@OhMarie Yes, but like, Ihop pancakes with the weird super syrupy strawberries? 90's Will says, for me, something that's awesome, but JUST a little too processed and a little too sweet if you eat too much of it.

cminor

@adorable-eggplant OH MY GOD. I completely forgot about Much Ado Denzel. Yeah that would solidly put him into a '90's crush zone for me. I must have watched that movie 40-50 times. It was on a tape with Disney's Robin Hood and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang an family member recorded for me.

Getting side tracked for a second: what food is Robert Sean Leonard? Fruit Salad with mandarin oranges?

Lucienne

I actually think Will Smith is something like mozzarella sticks. Or kettle corn.

Reginal T. Squirge

@OhMarie

Speak for yourself!

@gobblegirl

You obviously never had a subscription to Word Up! magazine.

Reginal T. Squirge

(Salt N' Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine)

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt It boggled my mind that she would say no. It did seem incredible.

Coming at that scene as an adult, it strikes me as an issue of class. Like she couldn't really except because he's too far above her in station, and yet... Ok, well, I must be extra hormonal today because I've gotten a wee bit weepy. He just wants the best for her and respects her for her mind. It's so damn romantic and tragic. Wooooorld why do you have to be that way??

OhMarie

@iceberg Oh, you are onto something here. I also like the wholesomeness of the fruit.

Jinxie

@iceberg Oooh shoot what was the name of the hot dude who was in that Janet Jackson video?? I can picture him (mmmmmmmm) but his name isn't coming to me. First name begins with a "T", maybe. Anyway, he was a super-hot POC from the '90s! Though, admittedly (and unfortunately), not a huge star.

Slapfight

@Jinxie Tyson Beckford. Honey Comb cereal and an extra spicy Bloody Mary.

katiemcgillicuddy

@RK Fire Jaleel White as Stephon would be a turkey sandwich doused in Acqua di Giò.

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant Of course, she then got to marry a guy who also respected her for her mind, and with whom she had crazy crazy chemistry. But of course that was only in the play, because Kenneth Branaugh is a jerkface ;_;

(I think we would've had hella Much Ado sleepovers in the 90s)

Jinxie

@Slapfight YES Tyson Beckford! And that food combo is both perfect for him and very '90s.

Jinxie

@Jinxie And now I'm tempted to spend my lunch hour hunting down a box of Honey Comb.

PatatasBravas

@Slapfight Not gonna lie, I still have a crush on Lenny Kravitz.

Jinxie

@PatatasBravas Have you seen the Hunger Games movie yet? It totally justifies your crush. I would even go so far as to say golden-eyeliner-wearing-modern-day-Lenny is way hotter than '90s Lenny.

PatatasBravas

Circa 1999 I had a huge crush on Oded Fehr/"Ardeth Bay" from The Mummy. Much much better looking than Brendan Fraser.

Unsure of food and drink pairing though!

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt I suppose. Cold comfort when she could've had Don Pedro. He's got humility and grace. I'm not a huge Benedict fan because he's too jaunty; don't even get me started on Kenneth, irl. >:[

Maybe for my next birthday I'll do a wine, cheese and Much Ado sleepover. It would also make for a great pinup.

cminor

@PatatasBravas There is no need to lie. He's more than crush worthy.

Judith Slutler

@PatatasBravas Lenny Kravitz is definitely still a hottie.

adorable-eggplant

@adorable-eggplant Oh and speaking of actors who played roles alongside Emma Thompson (clearly the common denominator in tiny eggplant crushes), Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon anyone? From the '95 adaptation, so I'm still on topic, folks.

sox
sox

@adorable-eggplant LL Cool J is for sure the best flavor of ice cream - probably Nutella swirls in dark chocolate? - on a perfectly hot day that optimizes the melting speed to licking ratio.
Thinking about this has caused me to consider ice cream in lieu of lunch, and possibly to feel a bit hot and bothered...
Reginal, I hope you don't find this racist because of the chocolate because I mean it ins very genuine way, and I think LL would approve too.

iceberg

@PatatasBravas OMG Oded Fehr. YES. My mind is going, like, haloumi and fresh tomatoes, but is that racist?

chrysopoeia

@OhMarie I immediately thought sour patch kids for Will Smith in the 90s.

cminor

@adorable-eggplant YES. Colonel Brandon! So shy and adorable. He was one of my top 3 childhood crushes.

When he was reading poetry to Marianne? I die! I was always so sad that she seemed to have lost her spark but I knew that Colonel Brandon would bring it back.

iceberg

@sox he makes me think of caramel swirls in high quality vanilla icecream, but that's probably racist, I don't think yours is though!

chrysopoeia

@adorable-eggplant Um, you mean the best Sense and Sensibility adaptation of all time?! Might actually be my favorite movie.

Reginal T. Squirge

@sox

I genuinely applaud everyone in this particular thread for disussing dudes and their corresponding foods while still being not-racist. Congratulations all around.

Oh, squiggles

@sox I dunno, as per his Hey Lover lyrics, I'm pretty sure he's vanilla ice cream.

PatatasBravas

You guys it is making me feel weird and blushy that you're all supporting my unceasing crush on Lenny Kravitz, because I was so sure I was alone during the 2005-2012 era.

someone tell katie to tell edith to tell jane to tell lenny that patatasbravas thinks he's hot!

RubeksCube

@PatatasBravas I totally support your unending crush on Lenny Kravitz, because I have it, too. We should have a support club...
And yes yes yes to Oded Fehr...good god.

eiffeldesigns

@PatatasBravas I was going through my storage unit the other day and found some postcards of Lenny Kravitz that I had hanging in my locker when I was in high school. That man is the hotness. You were definitely never alone in your crush.

Sella Turcica

@chrysopoeia I love sour patch kids for the Fresh Prince (as I will always know him in my heart). They are the total '90s food and he is the total '90s crush, edgy, but sweet.

Beatrix Kiddo

@Emmanuelle Cunt If it makes you feel any better, apparently Denzel is a jerkface in real life, too.

adorable-eggplant

@Beatrix Kiddo What? Nooo! Never pull back the curtain of crushes!

katiemcgillicuddy

@adorable-eggplant Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

Slapfight

@PatatasBravas @ kids @RubeksCube @Jinxie Mr Kravitz only improves with age. Much like (gold) tequila. Which is coordinates nicely with that Hunger Games eyeliner.

Slapfight

@PatatasBravas re: Oded Fehr. I want to say lemon flavored Greek yogurt (cool, refreshing and creamy), strong coffee with a shot of Sambuca. I get an anise vibe from him.

PatatasBravas

@Slapfight BOOM. Spot on with the coffee and Sambuca.

Hopeyglass

@iceberg Omar Epps?

anachronistique

@Hopeyglass Eggs benedict?

wee_ramekin

@Hopeyglass I...I can't think of a food for Omar Epps, because I just want to bite him. You know that muscle that dudes have along the side of their bodies, right above their hip bone? Teeth. In it.

Unnngggh, he broke my heart in Love & Basketball.

rowrow

@Reginal T. Squirge i totes had a picture of Tyson Beckford in my locker, but to me he seems like a plate of grilled chicken breasts. "healthy" but bland? or a protein shake. his identity is entwined with his ridiculous body in my mind, forever and ever.

and what about Tyrese? it's so cliche, but i can't think of anything but honey. that voice. the things he did to my loins.

katiemcgillicuddy

@wee_ramekin Based on this comment, I think we might be the same person.

PatatasBravas

@katiemcgillicuddy relevant to the thread's interests, then?

although hoooooo boy there are some good NSFW ones out there on google!

Jinxie

@PatatasBravas Helllooooooo nurse!

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas That...is not Omar Epps. BUT OKAY, I guess :P.

Yeah, so! Do you all see that muscle that's about 3 inches above this fella's belt-loop? THAT. THAT RIGHT THERE is what the wee-est_ramekin wants to sink her teeth into. I like to think of it scientifically as the "Beginning, or Top, of the Man Cleavage".

Nggggh. I would bite that so hard, I'd leave a mark. (Only with permission and enthusiastic consent, of course.)

ALSO, what if his pants just...fell off? How would that be?

katiemcgillicuddy

@PatatasBravas I want to take off his jeans and wash them on his abs.

wee_ramekin

@katiemcgillicuddy I mean, what's holding them up?! They're so low on his hips!

Guuuuhhhh, never mind. I know.

PatatasBravas

but it is lenny and i loooooooooooove himmmmmmm and I thought it nicely illustrated what you and @katiemcgillicuddy were talking about.

HERE HAVE AN OMAR EPPS TOO WHY NOT

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas Where is the picture?! You promised me a rose garden! (wut.)

PatatasBravas

@wee_ramekin I can see it! I never promised you a rose garden, she said, quoting the title of a book that made her cry.

(were you joking i cannot tell)

adorable-eggplant

@PatatasBravas I think there might've been an html whoopsie, as I cannot see the picture either (not that I'm desperately refreshing the page just in case it magically appears or anything pathetic like that at all).

katiemcgillicuddy

@PatatasBravas Yes, for a second I thought you meant to respond to someone else, and then I realized no, it's those hip bones/side muscles/whateverwhocares that are just s;dlfhgskdfh'sdkf.

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas I can't see it, and for that I weep.

I don't actually know where that saying is from, I have just heard it and thought it would be a good thing to say in this situation. But since I have no idea of the context, maybe it was bad?

ETA: Now I can see it! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...ungggggh.

adorable-eggplant

@wee_ramekin I only know the Lynn Anderson song, and it seemed apropos in that context.

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas Oh nooooo! I can't see it any more! Or the one you just posted.

Mary Miller

@PatatasBravas hubba hubba x 500 to this Lenny pic.

PatatasBravas

@adorable-eggplant I SHALL NOT BE DETERRED

although tragically the sexiest google image i could find is the one with the screwed up html

TRYING AGAIN

katiemcgillicuddy

@PatatasBravas I WANT TO PLAY HIM FOR HIS HEART.

Seriously, if you haven't seen "Love and Basketball" drop everything you are doing and Netflix that shit.

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas Mostly though, I just want Omar Epps to look at me like this:

wee_ramekin

@katiemcgillicuddy AND WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER AT THE DAAAAAAAANCE when she is dancing with another guy!!! Aaaaaaaaah, no, I cannot. I just cannot deal with this.

If we ever meet IRL, you and I are watching Love & Basketball and no one BUT NO ONE will stop us.

PatatasBravas

@katiemcgillicuddy I am legitimately mad that you all can't see the original image I selected, because it was huge and glorious and full of hi-def abs.

katiemcgillicuddy

@wee_ramekin Oh my goddddd it's like the most underrated movie EVER and YES, if we ever meet IRL we are going to watch it, on a loop, for an entire day.

katiemcgillicuddy

@PatatasBravas DON'T WORRY I AM FINDING ALL OF THE PICTURES ON MY OWN.

ETA: I GOT EXCITED AND FORGOT HOW GRAMMAR WORKS.

sox
sox

@PatatasBravas Strangely, I can see them just fine in my email notifications? And though I settled for my green curry leftovers at lunch, now I am definitely stopping for aforementioned ice cream. Even though its like 40 degrees out there.

EpWs

@katiemcgillicuddy I realize this is forever ago, but the turkey sandwich one is making me ugly snort-laugh.

lucy snowe

@Reginal T. Squirge I had some lovely dreams about 'Mississippi Masala' era Denzel back when I was pregnant. I wish he'd come back. He gives good dream.

Better to Eat You With

@Reginal T. Squirge Denzel as Easy Rawlins.

jamsbond

I saw him at LAX one time and was like OHMAHGAAHHH!
seo service

Sharone

Can we talk about 90s-crushes-as-foods for that all-important history nerd/fangirl subculture of people that were really into the Young Riders? I mean, they are all obviously sarsaparilla, but I feel like Stephen Baldwin would also be turkey leg that leaves barbecue sauce all over his face. For example.

Oh, squiggles

Kevin Bacon isn't bacon, and that's a shame.

Mary Miller

@Absurd Bird You're right! I consider him to be more...like...shoestring potato chips??

Oh, squiggles

@Mary Miller Ruffled potato chips with sour cream and onion dip?

oh! valencia

@Absurd Bird Do people have crushes on Kevin Bacon?

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@oh! valencia I do! Kevin Bacon now though, not 90s Kevin Bacon. Also, I have a crush on every boy.

EpWs

@Oliver St. John Mollusc +1 for Kevin Bacon, +1 for Teen Girl Squad reference.

lucy snowe

@oh! valencia Does a crush on Kyra Sedgwick count? That's only one degree of separation.

Lily Rowan

Y'all know Chris O'Donnell is back, though, right? Your grandma watches him and LL Cool J on NCIS: LA!

Sassafrass

@Lily Rowan I did not know this! But am happy that I do now. I think I can sit through a few episodes to check him out. Thank you!

catfoodandhairnets

@Lily Rowan My grandma DOES watch NCIS!Is this a thing?

Lily Rowan

@catfoodandhairnets Well, it's a highly-rated show on CBS, so the odds are good!

Alli525

@catfoodandhairnets AHH mine does too!! I was visiting this weekend, and she busts out Scrabble and NCIS and looks at me like I shouldn't be shocked. And then we hung out in the hot tub watching the stars.

Basically: my grandma = coolest grandma.

pajamaralls

@Lily Rowan For the record NCIS:LA is leagues better than regular ass NCIS.

iceberg

@pajamaralls Mr. Iceberg calls the original CSI "CSI: Generic" but I like "regular ass" better!

Lily Rowan

@pajamaralls How could it not be?? Doesn't it have Linda Hunt instead of Mark Harmon and LL instead of that one white guy?

They just don't show enough of it on USA.

City_Dater

@Lily Rowan

A perfect storm of '90s crushes! Except LL Cool J is still swoon-material and I have apparently grown beyond Chris O'Donnell.

pajamaralls

@Lily Rowan Indeed it does! Linda Hunt over Mark Harmon and his turrible haircut forever.

Lily Rowan

@pajamaralls Seriously, what is with his haircut? It does feel retired-marines to me (based on a whole lot of not-much), but still.

lucy snowe

@Lily Rowan Oh. Here I'm going to have to disagree. I can't get enough of that Mahk Hahmon, making a boat in his basement. And Pauley Perrette? Ziva? I love me some Ziva.

lucy snowe

@lucy snowe But then, my television tastes run grandmotherly at times, so...

lindackerite

@lucy snowe Ziva forever!

lucy snowe

@aheapingspoonful Ziva, or I'll be a monkey's ankle!

What, it's uncle?
That doesn't make any sense.

parallel-lines

Andre Agassi: a plate of buttered spaghetti.

Mary Miller

@parallel-lines lol

gobblegirl

@parallel-lines It's actually fake spaghetti, but he put it there because he's ashamed of the bare plate underneath.

pterodactgirl

@parallel-lines buttered spaghetti that you find out twenty years later was FULL OF METH.

iceberg

@pterodactgirl this is making me laugh harder and harder every time I scroll through.

drydenlane

This is awesome, and so spot on. Does anyone know if that's the right URL for Mary? It redirects to a site in Cyrillic, so I'm guessing no?

Mary Miller

@tamara Thank you! :) My personal site is here: http://ratsoff.com (hopefully the link with my name works better now too? Let us know!)

drydenlane

@Mary Miller Yup! Got it.

iceberg

Kurt Cobain - scrambled eggs with like, cigarette ash and Tabasco?

ahh I give up.

Mary Miller

@iceberg Moons Over My Hammy on special at Denny's?

Jinxie

@iceberg A clove cigarette and a stale cup of coffee, was my thinking. I loved me some Kurt back in the day (well, still do, but not with the fervor of a 14-year-old) but it seems odd to associate him with actual, edible food.

TARDIStime

@iceberg this sounds perfect!

adorable-eggplant

@iceberg My favorite food combo used to be a baked potato omelet (which is an omlete with hash browns, sour cream, and chives mixed in), a cup of black coffee, and a cigarette. Am still a bit nostalgic for that one sometimes.

TARDIStime

@adorable-eggplant That baked potato omelet sounds so fucking good, I totally get why you would need a cigarette after.

Elsajeni

... Aw, man. This post drove me to IMDB to look up the name of an actor I had a crush on, and it turned out to be Brad Renfro, and then it turned out he died very young a few years ago, and now I'm sad.

Mary Miller

@Elsajeni Bwad Wenfwo! The Client! #RIP

Elsajeni

@Mary Miller I had strong feelings about him in Tom and Huck.

does it need saying

@Elsajeni Mine was Jonathan Brandis, and he commited suicide 10 years ago, I was surprised and sad to find out. I was so hooked on him and the kid from Terminator... Edward Furlong.
A nice bite or two of Twinkie and a Spicy Slim Jim respectively. The first is nice and sweet but doesn't really stay with you and the second is hot but then gives you heartburn.

avocadosandwich

@Elsajeni Delurking after many long years of lurking to say OH SHIT, NOW I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT JONATHAN BRANDIS AS WELL. That's really sad. Seaquest crush.

teaandcakeordeath

@does it need saying
I only heard that Jonathan Brandis was really famous and died last week so this post is spookily timely. I've been wanting to find a place to say this and this seems right:

I will always love you Bastian from The Neverending Story: Part II!

Slapfight

@does it need saying Super sad. He committed suicide after his part in Hart's War got cut. Crushed on him since It.

Slapfight

@Slapfight I mean the movie It. Not his suicide. :(

TARDIStime

@thisthread
re: heartthrobs who died young, would you all consider River Phoenix to be an 80's crush or a 90's crush, considering he died in '93?
If 90's; suggested foodstuff?

iceberg

@TARDIStime really expensive fancy muesli (granola, Americans) with like, cranberries and almonds in it, and a cup of that coffee that comes from civet shit.

teaandcakeordeath

@TARDIStime
Yeah definitely some vegan Whole Foods light but tasty salad thing made of ingredients too exotic for me to name but are basically fancy sprouts.

@iceberg
I dont care how good it tastes, why do people feel the need to drink something shitted?

martinipie

90's Johnny Depp: really good flan.

I dunno, guys, it was immediate so I trust its validity!

themegnapkin

@martinipie I come up with Creme Brulee for him, so I think we're on the same track.

does it need saying

@themegnapkin Yeah, he definitely needed something a little crunchier than flan, but in the same family. mmm...

Katie Walsh

@martinipie Immediate reaction is the only way to do this magic.

sceps yarx

@martinipie ahh, I was waiting for someone to nominate Depp...he was always the celebrity in my pre-teen M.A.S.H game. And after his 30 years of crushworthyness, I think creme brulee is perfect. It's a classic! Smooth, easy going, Smokey...

Theda Baranowski

Chris O'Donnell has the same birthday as me, something that excited me very much when I was ten.

FulanaDeTallcan

Benjamin Bratt on Law & Order= frybread taco, a limon agua fresca and a few sips of your older brother's beer.
Ted from Hey Dude: The burnt marshmallow goo that goes on top of sweet potatoes, but not including the sweet potatoes.
Fred Savage: Chicken nuggets but with a dipping concoction that you made out of packets of bbq sauce, ranch and honey dijon so you feel like it's something special all your own.
Joshua Jackson: Pastrami with excellent pickles and a soda water.
James Van Der Beek: Movie nachos with far too few jalapenos and a long strand of someone else's hair stuck in the cheese.

Mary Miller

@FulanaDeTallcan This is beautiful.

Amphora

@FulanaDeTallcan Aaaah Joshua Jackson! I just had to go look him up and learned that he also played Pacey on Dawson's Creek (which I was too much of a contrarian to watch at the time). He was so cute in The Mighty Ducks! And the Mighty Ducks 2 which also had Mike Vitar who was in the Sandlot! I watched a lot of sports movies about ragtag gangs of misfits.

Valley Girl

@FulanaDeTallcan TED FROM HEY DUDE now we're talking about some classic '90's crush!

@Amphora I am shamed and saddened that a. I had to look up Mike Vitar to find out if he was the gorgeous Benny Rodriguez from The Sandlot b. That I didn't think of Benny FIRST AND FOREMOST BECAUSE ULTIMATE '90S DUDE-CRUSH, OBVIES

Amphora

@Valley Girl According to IMDB he doesn't act any more, so I can't pretend I knew his name either. But the combination of sweaty and dusty and floppy hair was Killer. He would be a ballpark hot dog and/or a wad of Big League Chew.

(also I totally read Hey Dude as Salute Your Shorts and was grossed out)

(also omg your username is hands down my favorite 80s movie)

log lady

@FulanaDeTallcan Oh, you mean Ted from Hey Dude AKA Blossom's on-again-off-again boyfriend?! Also, one of my earliest crushes was Pinsky from Salute Your Shorts, who later grew up to be in Rilo Kiley with Jenny Lewis

Oh, squiggles

90's Leonardo DiCaprio... grape jelly on white bread?

NeverOddOrEven

@Absurd Bird
With a glass of milk. 2%.

TARDIStime

@Absurd Bird Basketball Diaries Leo: Black coffee and a rollie w/a side of cocaine.

iceberg

I am putting way too much energy into this, because I love it so much. 90's Anthony Kiedis, anyone?

martinipie

@iceberg Carnitas burrito and really cold beer.

martinipie

@iceberg Also jeebus h he was so PRETTY back then.

christonacracker

@iceberg rubbery pepperoni pulled off of reheated dominos.

christonacracker

@christonacracker I am basing this entirely on that video where his pecs waggle in slow motion

JessicaLovejoy

@iceberg Slim Jims and tequila shots.

martinipie

@JessicaLovejoy Hell yeah. Why is he so...meaty and boozy?!

Jolie Kerr

Flea would be that jar of peanut butter that Puck from The Real World: San Francisco stuck his dirty finger in.

Oh, squiggles

@Jolie Kerr I love everything about your comment.

Hellcat

@JessicaLovejoy Your comment reminds me that, when I read this earlier, I kept seeing "Chris O'Donnell" as "Chris Cornell"... who, incidentally, is couscous and spicy, somewhat fancier than is typical (perhaps handmade) beef jerky.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

Kirk Cameron is a Lunchable. Seemed wholesome and fun to your younger self, but now looking back, you question your taste.

Lyssachelle

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Or maybe a Sunny Delight! Seems good for you, but is really really BAD.

ironhoneybee

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Or maybe something from Chick-fil-A?

Ophelia

What about Jonathan Brandis??

Kool-aid and a baloney sandwich comes to mind for some bizarre reason.

Alli525

@Ophelia I always had him as something a bit dreamier... a fluffernutter sandwich or something.

GOD I was sad when he died. I'm still upset, as a matter of fact... he and Taylor Hanson were the ones whose posters I "practiced kissed" when I was a pre-teen. And now Taylor is 30 and Jonathan is gone. Good grief.

chrysopoeia

@Ophelia I ate baloney sandwiches after getting out of the pool as a kid, this strikes me as incredibly appropriate for Jonathan Brandis.

Ophelia

@Alli525 I think it's the fact that I associate him with soccer, and I also associate my friend Amy from elementary school with soccer, and her mom used to make us that for lunch? But I could roll with a fluffernutter.

FlufferNutter

@Alli525 Fluffernutter! If I am to be associated with a 90s dude, Brandis seems like the perfect fit.

Lucienne

I can't think of a sufficiently incandescent but tragic food for Leslie Cheung.

Lucienne

@Lucienne Saif Ali Khan is the bottom of a bag of potato chips, though. When you're like "I need to stop eating these" but you're so close to the end that it would be a dick move to put them back in the cupboard for someone else to hopefully take out. And this happens every time you eat potato chips!

RK Fire

@Lucienne Just googled him... JESUS CHRIST.

Lucienne

@RK Fire I'm not sure which one you're talking about, but "JESUS CHRIST" is applicable to both, oddly enough. Of course, the inflection will be a bit different ...

RK Fire

@Lucienne Well, initially I meant Leslie Cheung because I was multitasking, but I just had the time to google Saif Ali Khan, and... wow.

Chareth Cutestory

@Lucienne I love Saif Ali Khan!

NeverOddOrEven

Rider Strong - Seven Layer Dip?
Why is that coming to mind? Something spicy or heavily seasoned, possibly with beans...

NeverOddOrEven

@NeverOddOrEven
Damnit; forgot he was already done. And well. And I commented on it.
30 more minutes until lunch...

NeverOddOrEven

@NeverOddOrEven
Watch me end a sentence without ellipses. I can do it!

chrysopoeia

@NeverOddOrEven I accidentally shamed Rider Strong at a restaurant once. I wish I had noted what he was eating.

Mary Miller

@chrysopoeia We need to hear this story.

chrysopoeia

@Mary Miller It is the worst. Basically a friend of mine worked at a cafe, called me up one day and said you'll never guess who came in today and bought corn fritters - Rider Strong! Then, on my way to meet a different friend for dinner, I ran into Rider Strong on the street, literally RAN into him because his posse was taking up the entire sidewalk. At dinner, I started recounting these two separate stories to my friend, but some loud-ass table behind me kept made it hard for me to talk without shouting. Finally, I get to the punchline of the tale, slam my hands on the table and yell 'IT WAS RIDER STRONG'. The loud table behind me went silent and I realized why one of the voices had sounded familiar. It was Rider Strong.

Mary Miller

@chrysopoeia Ohhhh this is amazing

oh! valencia

@chrysopoeia my jaw literally dropped. that is incredible.

katiemcgillicuddy

@chrysopoeia Have you ever heard Tig Notaro's bit about Taylor Dayne? It may be relevant to your interests.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st4opohRZ_A

Judith Slutler

@chrysopoeia Oh my lord that is incredible. IT WAS RIDER STRONG

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@chrysopoeia BEST STORY EVER

OhMarie

What about 90s Joseph Gordon Levitt? I was super in love with him as a preteen.

I'm trying to think of something childlike, but with promise of sophistication. Maybe a grilled cheese with a sharp cheddar instead of american cheese? Tomato soup on the side, that kind that comes in a can but is real tomato soup with tomatoes in it instead of the Campbell's kind.

Mary Miller

@OhMarie This is bringing me so much joy.

Katie Walsh

@OhMarie A bowl of Chex cereal.

martinipie

@OhMarie Or Saltine crackers with Red Delicious apples and mild cheddar as a kid, which later turns into a really fancy crackers, Honeycrisp apples and super-sharp cheddar habit as an adult.

OhMarie

@martinipie A++++

anachronistique

@martinipie Crackers from a local bakery, apples from a farmer's market, and artisanally crafted cheddar. (As an adult.)

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@martinipie You win the internet! That was one of those holdover snacks I still ate in college because I just couldn't think of a way to improve on it = perfect description of JGL as well.

christonacracker

Jonathan Taylor Thomas - teddy grahams and a warm capri sun

EpWs

@christonacracker This is the most accurate thing on the internet.

NeverOddOrEven

Matthew Lillard - Fish tacos.
And Devon Sawa is one of those desserty whipped cream fruit salad things that your aunt brings to a potluck.

cminor

@NeverOddOrEven Fish Tacos = Perfection

RK Fire

@NeverOddOrEven DEVON SEWA! Man, I haven't thought of him in YEARS.

Lexa Lane

@NeverOddOrEven He's on Nikita now. He grew up *nice.*

Puppy in a cup

@NeverOddOrEven I was never a big fan of his, but in googling him just now, I found this: How Devon Sawa in Casper Caused My Sexual Awakening

NeverOddOrEven

@Puppy in a cup
My memory isn't that sharp, but I'm pretty sure that's how it went down for me.
And man, was he awesome in SLC Punk. Also starring Matthew Lillard. And therefore one of the Greatest Movies of All Time.
Also very quotable.

OhMarie

@Lexa Lane Damn, you are so right! What is up Devon Sawa?

Katie Walsh

God I love the ones you guys are coming up with!!!!

Mary Miller

@Katie Walsh ME TOO AAAHHHHHH

Oh, squiggles

Thanks for coming up with the idea for us to jump on!

martinipie

WHY COULD I DO THIS ALL DAY

Oh, squiggles

@martinipie ME TOO!

It combines my two loves: food and hot guys

Onymous

Ethan Hawke. Discuss.

iceberg

@Onymous 90's Ethan - reheated generic-brand hawaiian pizza.
Present Day Ethan - like, reheated fancy gourmet frozen pizza
oh man that's so mean but i just really dislike him.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Onymous Chinese take-out.

Lyssachelle

@Onymous Supermarket California roll.

Katie Walsh

@Onymous very strong coffee and a danish.

Katie Walsh

@katiemcgillicuddy oh I like yours better!

Buffy Summers

@Onymous Artisan biscotti!

Ophelia

@Onymous slightly stale wheat crackers with grocery-store-brand goat cheese.

Mary Miller

@Onymous The Snickers bar he stole from work in Reality Bites because "the establishment owed him Snickers."

wee_ramekin

@Mary Miller The winter of our discontent?

katiemcgillicuddy

Johnathan Jackson: very thin, crispy onion rings.

RNL
RNL

I have a Chris O'Donnell story!

I was maybe 23, working in a restaurant and partying pretty hard. Four of us girl servers/bartenders went out for dinner in Yorkville, a fancy neighbourhood in Toronto. We got pretty drunk, and by dessert we looked over and Chris O'Donnell was eating dinner by himself reading Golf World. We got pretty excited and started yelling " Mad Love!"

We tried to buy him a drink. He very politely declined, and pulled out his wallet to show us pictures of his wife and kids. It was pretty hot. He was nice! And soooo uninterested in 4 drunk hot 22 year olds.

JessicaLovejoy

@RNL Maybe he acts so rarely because he's too busy with his Dreamy Husband and Father Coalition duties.

TheLetterL

Skeet Ulrich? Anyone?

Katie Walsh

@TheLetterL Beef jerky?

NeverOddOrEven

@Katie Walsh
Yesssssss.

JessicaLovejoy

@TheLetterL Roast beef on Wonderbread, but the bread got all soggy.

PatatasBravas

@TheLetterL His name grosses me out, I'm sorry. I just can't take it in a sexy or edible direction.

PatatasBravas

skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet

TheLetterL

@PatatasBravas You could always call him by his given name: Bryan Ray Trout. Yeah.

As my 13-year-old self would tell you, eyes welling, Skeet came from his nickname Skeeter, given to him by his Little League coach, because he was puny from being such a sickly child. (Also, my 13-year-old self would have you know that the same interview listed his life's ambition as raising horses in Montana. *hands clasped*)

Mary Miller

@TheLetterL HIS REAL NAME IS BRIAN RAY TROUT?!?!?

TheLetterL

@Mary Miller BRYAN RAY TROUT! (The extra "y" means extra dreamy)

Jinxie

@TheLetterL Yxtra Dryamy?

Jinxie

@Jinxie Wait, that makes, like, no sense at all.

TheLetterL

@Jinxie Yxactly! ....And I feel like this is not the thread to worry about things making sense.

NeverOddOrEven

Can we reverse engineer some of these? I feel like someone needs to be Ritz Crackers and Easy Cheese. And a beef jerky. Caprese? Baguette and brie. And so far we have no salads.

Oh, squiggles

@NeverOddOrEven He's not a '90s crush (or maybe?) per se, but Ryan Gosling is obvs kale salad.

Scandyhoovian

@NeverOddOrEven Did anyone actually have a thing for the guy from Sugar Ray? 'Cause he'd totally be Ritz Crackers and Easy Cheese.

RK Fire

@Absurd Bird Yes. In the future when we are doing Hot Guys from the 00s and 10s, Ryan Gosling = [organic] Kale Salad [from the local farmer's market] should be there.

Puppy in a cup

@NeverOddOrEven Caprese = Rodrigo Santoro (Karl from Love Actually)

NeverOddOrEven

@Scandyhoovian
My "Best Friend" in 7th grade did. Bought that damn CD and put Fly on repeat. Did the same thing with Jamiroquai and Virtual Insanity.
I hated it.
She was also my first fist-fight.

Sassafrass

@NeverOddOrEven I tended to eat Easy Cheese with Pringles, but this reminded me of cheese Combos which if maybe dipped in ranch or something might be Jason Mewes. Which is likely a debateable crush but one I had nonetheless.

NeverOddOrEven

@Sassafrass
Nope; I can get behind it.

oh! valencia

@Scandyhoovian Mark McGrath? I sure did.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Scandyhoovian He's on Celebrity Wife Swap now if you need your Mark McGrath fix (and who doesn't) (don't ask me how I know that).

teaandcakeordeath

David Boreanaz - Red wine with a grown up sounding lamb something (maybe a tagine) eaten by candle light.

martinipie

@teaandcakeordeath Only S1, S2 Buffy David Boreanaz, though, because then he turns into like, a Honeybaked ham :(

iceberg

@teaandcakeordeath That's so interesting, because he is totally a ballpark hot dog for me. I mean, a big, good-tasting one, but still.

Oh, squiggles

@martinipie ahahaha!

iceberg

@martinipie PERFECTION.

teaandcakeordeath

@martinipie
S1/S2 Angel was exactly what I was thinking of!

@iceberg
That really is interesting as my brain can't conceive of him as a hot dog. (wow that's an unexpected sentence)

EpWs

@martinipie This had me snorting into my sleeve at work.

Verity

@iceberg This had me laughing uncontrollably at my computer (as did @martinipie's comment).

I think David Boreanaz is a steak but ... not necessarily a very good steak? With chips.

NeverOddOrEven

Beck! Man I had (have) a huge crush on Beck.

Pad thai pizza or a burger with peanut butter on it. Something that is so strange it seems a little forced, but is actually brilliant in execution.

allofthewine

@NeverOddOrEven I feel like he'd have to be tofu pad thai, just to prove something to someone.

Hellcat

@NeverOddOrEven I don't know about Beck equalling that food but I do know that I now want that pizza you mention!

I once unknowingly stood next to Beck for a good long time. It was at a Beck show, but he wasn't on yet. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the guy next to me was holding a shirt on a hanger, which seemed odd, while watching the opening act (which might have been Cibo Matto). I didn't want to look right into the face of Hanger Guy and by the time I noticed it was Beck, he was walking up the stairs, shirt in hand...

NeverOddOrEven

@Hellcat
Oh my lord; if I ever get a time machine, I am there.

Hellcat

@NeverOddOrEven And I'll meet you there... and this time, I--we--will talk to Beck!

sceps yarx

@NeverOddOrEven Beck!!!! My first rockstar crush!

Lucienne

90s Gabriel Byrne is armagnac. (I am thinking more Miller's Crossing than Little Women.)

Jinxie

@Lucienne Gabriel Byrne in Little Women = unflavored oatmeal, because only amoral hussies want brown sugar and cinnamon in their hot cereal. A truly good lady would be satisfied never needs seasonings.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Jinxie @Lucienne thank you guys, I thought I was the only freakshow who had the hots for him! Even in Little Women. All the Gabriel Byrnes!

Lucienne

@Oliver St. John Mollusc I totally think he is hot in Little Women! (I generally don't love Christian Bale.) But he's way hotter in Miller's Crossing.

Bittersweet

@Lucienne Gothic Gabriel Byrne would be absinthe and a jelly doughnut.

sceps yarx

@Jinxie The funny thing is, Victorian conserva-hippies really DID believe that about seasonings! Bland food promotes mental and physical "continence"....

Buffy Summers

Andrew Keegan, guys! Cool ranch doritos and gushers???

panquecito

@Buffy Summers Aghhhh, Andrew Keegan kindred spirits! Gushers are such a 90s food, too.

Mary Miller

@Buffy Summers YES

Ophelia

@Buffy Summers and maybe a little bit of your older sibling's stolen beer?

Sella Turcica

@Ophelia Stolen Zima. Zima.

panquecito

Can we talk about Andrew Keegan? I don't know what food he would be, but it took a lot of work to figure out his name. Yep, I searched "90s bad boy actors" on my work computer, and I'm not sorry about it.

Mary Miller

@elenachicago I feel like Andrew would be Dunk-a-Roos

chrysopoeia

@elenachicago Andrew Keegan is Sunny D drunk straight from the fridge, because he don't give a fuck.

meetapossum

@elenachicago I was just thinking about Andrew Keegan this last weekend because I was trying to think of actors from Camp Nowhere.

whimsy

@meetapossum
CAMP NOWHERE! Holy good lord I love that movie... especially at the end where they fake all the different camps. I just delurked to get all excited about that!

RNL
RNL

Christian Slater. Help. Gas station pepperoni? I love you Christian.

chrysopoeia

@RNL Corn Nuts.

sox
sox

@RNL Sunchips.

Puppy in a cup

@RNL Ooooh I am going to pull from @NeverOddOrEven and say Beef Jerky, because, woodsy?

Mary Miller

Randall Batinkoff is an albacore tuna sandwich (packed in water, not oil) with sour cream & onion potato chips on top. In other words, perfect and everything I ever wanted.

Slapfight

@Mary Miller He was mah favorite!

Mary Miller

@Slapfight QUAL-I-TY

adorable-eggplant

Do you know who was left of this list, but was undeniably the hottest man of the '90s? Jet Li.

iceberg

@adorable-eggplant Ohhh, but is he 90's though? I mean, Romeo Must Die was surely his intro into Crush-land in America at least, and that was 2000.

What food would he be though?Something healthy and light because action, I think.

Katie Walsh

@iceberg I feel like Jet Li is a salad with grilled chicken.

adorable-eggplant

@iceberg I was cray cray about him in Once Upon a Time in China, and that's '91, although he did just keep getting hotter and hotter, so granted.

adorable-eggplant

@Katie Walsh Or maybe something warmer, like soup? I'm not actually good at the dude to food conversion. I just have the crushes.

ETA: Speaking of '90s action hotties, hello Yuen Biao and young Jackie Chan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLZSKhuFDnY

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant Jet Li = club sandwich?

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt Hmm, or like a perfectly ripe avocado on a warm tortilla with a dash of lime and some big granules of salt (and maybe some arugula) served with a cool glass of reposado tequila. Which is healthy, yes, but also delicious.

Or maybe a club sandwich, but like the most perfect version of a club sandwich.

iceberg

@adorable-eggplant a salad with avocado and shrimp and a wedge of lemon... and nothing else.

This is actually a "salad" that is (was?) available at Doyle's Seafood Restaurant in Watson's Bay, Sydney, and I still remember it years later. Americans, don't get snobby about this, because to you, "salad" means "shredded meat mixed with mayonnaise".

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant Oooo that sounds so good... that I can really only assign it to Idris Elba.

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt Fair enough, then Jet Li will be this loaf of whole wheat bread that I have just taken out of the oven, which I will tear a hunk from and slather with honey. Oh plus a mug of black coffee on the side.

And yes, I said slather. It's getting hot in here.

Side note: You guys that just reminded me and all of a sudden I thought I'd forgotten about Nelly (my thirteen year old self would've never forgive my 28 year old self for that) but then I looked it up and Country Grammar came out in 2000, so whew, not overlooked, just part of a different era of hotties)

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant hahahaha YES

Also for some reason I feel like all my rap / R&B crushes occured in the 2000s, maybe because that was when I actually started using the Internet and seeing pictures of musicians?

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt For me it was the window when I went from middle school to high school, which is an important step in the blossoming of any young lady and her crushes.

That said, since this is a safe space on the internet, I'll admit that I had a crush on Usher in the 3rd grade. All my friends did, you couldn't not have a crush on Usher and be cool, in so far as being cool in 3rd grade is a thing that is possible.

TARDIStime

@iceberg Where is the lettuce?!?!?!

adorable-eggplant

@TARDIStime I think the contrast is to crab salad, which does have mayonnaise, or so I've heard. I'm not from the northeast coast, so that's not something I've ever actually tried.

TARDIStime

@adorable-eggplant ooooooohhhhhh. *is slow on the uptake today*

chrysopoeia

You guys, Joshua Jackson. My mind is drawing a blank. Creamy corn chowder? I'm just picturing him in warm sweaters.

teebs

@chrysopoeia I keep thinking clam chowder, but I don't know if that's also because of sweaters and Capeside. 90's Josh Jackson- warm yummy chowder. Josh Jackson today- miso soup.

EpWs

@chrysopoeia That boy is a top-notch cheeseburger, I think.

teebs

David Duchovney was rich coffee ice cream.

chrysopoeia

@teebs YES. I was waiting for this.

teebs

@chrysopoeia He was my first "man" crush. When I was 12, he was the epitome of sensuality and masculinity.

chrysopoeia

@teebs Mine too, if you couldn't tell from my avatar. He was smart on top of hot in a masculine but non-aggressive way. He's still on my laminated list.

PatatasBravas

@teebs Totally Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream.

Lucienne

I'm trying to think what Sherilyn Fenn would be. I feel like chocolate is too obvious.

teebs

@Lucienne A damn fine cup of coffee.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Lucienne I don't know, she may be the one person worthy of being straight up "chocolate".

Jolie Kerr

@Lucienne A slice of cherry pie, but not in a gross sexual way.

lucy snowe

@Lucienne A cut-glass tumbler of creme de menthe.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Lucienne Homegirl is absinthe.

teebs

Brad Renfro?

Scandyhoovian

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is most definitely one of those fried chicken tacos you get at Mexican places run by white people.

teaandcakeordeath

@Scandyhoovian
Ohhh I was thinking one of those burgers thats 'Hawaiian' because theres a slice of pineapple in it.

Scandyhoovian

@teaandcakeordeath Hahaha yes he is totally either inauthentic half-assed "ethnic" food... or he's one of Sandra Lee's "semi-homemade" bundt cakes.

teaandcakeordeath

@Scandyhoovian
I bow to you Scandyhoovian.
I once did a Buzzfeed quiz of 'Who is your perfect 90s hearthrob boyfriend' and got Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Apparently we were perfect as we both 'like fun'.

Scandyhoovian

Also I feel like the boy bands should coordinate. Like you have to mix them together to get the full picture. I'm not the best at this but I will try. Like... the Backstreet Boys:

Nick: Mashed Potatoes
Brian: Turkey
Kevin: Cranberries
AJ: Gravy
Howie: ...green beans?

And NSYNC:

Justin: Shrimp
JC: Crawfish
Chris: Rice
Joey: Okra
Lance: Spices

OhMarie

@Scandyhoovian Howie is Stove Top.

Scandyhoovian

@OhMarie 98 Degrees is that stuff you throw away when you try to cook a Christmas dinner yourself but you just don't have the skills and you end up ordering Boston Market.

Mary Miller

@Scandyhoovian lmfao

OhMarie

@Scandyhoovian Oh like the turkey is all underdone when you cut it and the potatoes boiled over on the stove and now they're all waterlogged!

pajamaralls

@Scandyhoovian I'm okay with Howie being green beans because both Howie and green beans are my favorite. But Nick can't be good homemade mashed potatoes - he has to be the worst of the worst gluey instant mashed potatoes.

I was staunchly opposed to Nsync, but Chris Kirkpatrick as Rice is dead-on.

PatatasBravas

@pajamaralls I can't stop laughing about the rice. What even is rice? It has no taste! How can someone be rice? I have no memory of Chris Kirkpatrick, so he's being rice really successfully for me!

pinniped

@PatatasBravas The crazy-haired one with the highest voice! Aka the *most* memorable to 12-year-old me! JC had more of a bland rice face IMO.

excitedheart

@pajamaralls HOW DARE YOU nick carter is a perfect angel! but he would not be a thanksgiving food. he would be circus peanuts.

blueberry mary

The Hansons are totally a 3-pack of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets. Both were a topic of discussion at my middle school lunch table.

Scandyhoovian

@blueberry mary It's funny, Isaac used to look like maybe he was the one at the bottom of the 3-pack after it got left in the bottom of your backpack and squished a little, but now he's the pretty one, and it might be Zak that's the squishy one.

wee_ramekin

So....why did I get all the way to the bottom of the list to find STILL NO MENTION of Freddie Prinze, Jr.?

This is disgraceful.

RK Fire

@wee_ramekin You're totally right. *hangs head in shame*

He was never my thing, but he is definitely 90s-tastic. Also: what about Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin? Or is that too close to the end of the 90s?

adorable-eggplant

@wee_ramekin Rachel Leigh Cook outshines him. Look I found evidence

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin I feel like Freddie Prinze, Jr. is sushi. Because it's healthy and filling and delicious and kind of adult-seeming but also a little femme.

Enrique Iglesias is something overly sweet. Like...like a creme brulee, I think.

Ricky Martin is probably raspberry gingerale.

Queen Elisatits

@wee_ramekin bagel bites you made yourself after school?

RK Fire

@wee_ramekin Re. Enrique Iglesias: what about tiramisu?

Someone should be tiramisu, damnit!

wee_ramekin

@RK Fire YES HE IS TIRAMISU! Because tiramisu looks like it might be sort of substantial, but is actually just really fluffy and super sweet.

Queen Elisatits

@RK Fire Antonio Banderas is tiramisu?

wee_ramekin

@Queen Elisatits Nooooo! Antonio Banderas is (was) the kind of hot that Enrique Iglesias could only aspire to. He was actually sexy and masculine.

I feel like Antonio Banderas is like....hm. Like a prime cut of beef. Like a tenderloin, or something. (I am not good at beef cuts.)

PatatasBravas

@Queen Elisatits No no no Antonio Banderas is sea-salted caramels, rich and creamy and a little bit gourmet in a mainstream Homegoods/TJMaxx kinda way. Still so good.

PatatasBravas

Like, I want it all in my mouth and will revel in how luscious it is, and my mom feels the exact same way about it.

Queen Elisatits

@PatatasBravas & @wee_ramekin I concede to the salted caramels

wee_ramekin

@Queen Elisatits I also concede. That description is perfect.

Man, he dampened my rame_panties in Zorro when he dressed up as a rich landowner and danced with Catherine Zeta-Jones at the party. YUH.

Amphora

@wee_ramekin Antonio Banderas and Pierce Brosnan. Guess I was into older men as a 12-year-old?

PatatasBravas

@Amphora I am puzzling over Pierce Brosnan. WHAT FOOD?

adorable-eggplant

@PatatasBravas Salmon and capers with a lemon wedge and sprig of parsley.

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas I feel like...something British that doesn't make sense to Americans (even though he is Irish)? Like, a "digestive biscuit"...something along those lines.

PatatasBravas

@wee_ramekin I feel like he's more savory than a digestive biscuit? Or at least there's more to him.

SCONE PLUS CLOTTED CREAM? Seems exotic to an American but is really quite accessibly yummy.

adorable-eggplant

@PatatasBravas But the sprig of parsley represents the mustache. You can't leave off the mustache in the food Brosnan.

PatatasBravas

Kippers and a tomato?

wee_ramekin

@PatatasBravas Fairy cakes? (The fuck are "fairy cakes", anyway?)

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin Bubble and squeak?

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin Bangers and mash?

Now I am just saying things that make no sense.

PatatasBravas

Goddammit I guess that crush is still live, too.

PatatasBravas

I like the scone plus clotted cream; sweet and rich and a perfect mouthful. Tasteful. Uppercrust, for afternoon tea, but you want to lick your fingers after.

TARDIStime

@wee_ramekin I think Ricky Martin is like, Bombe Alaska or something flambeed?

PatatasBravas

@TARDIStime Bananas Foster!

TARDIStime

@PatatasBravas If I couldn't have bombe alaska, I was going to say knickerbocker glory, but yours is better.

TARDIStime

@wee_ramekin Fairy cakes - cupcakes with LOTS of hundreds-and-thousands sprinkled on them.
In Australia we have fairy bread, which is just white bread with butter and hundreds-and-thousands: it is the ultimate kids' party snack.

adorable-eggplant

@TARDIStime hundreds-and-thousands = sprinkles! I had to google that. I'm learning so much about food and crushes: this thread is awesome.

TARDIStime

@wee_ramekin Fairy cakes - cupcakes with LOTS of hundreds-and-thousands sprinkled on them.
In Australia we have fairy bread, which is just white bread with butter and hundreds-and-thousands: it is the ultimate kids' party snack.

TARDIStime

@adorable-eggplant Sorry, not sure why that happened - couldn't delete.
As a fun aside, in Aus you can now get sausages made of kangaroo and they are branded in the supermarket as "Kanga Bangas" (re: your bangers and mash statement). I love it forever.

RK Fire

Any thoughts on Christian Bale circa Little Women? I'm not a HUGE Little Women enthusiast, so my memory of Christian Bale as Laurie is probably off. However, a food that starts of pleasant and sweet that has the potential to evolve into something with a darker edge (Batman movies, the Machinist) would be interesting.

Queen Elisatits

@RK Fire your memory is not off, Christian Bale as Laurie was pretty important to little me. But I have no idea what food he would be.

Mary Miller

@Queen Elisatits @RK Fire POPOVERS

chrysopoeia

@RK Fire Halloween candy.

RK Fire

@anachronistique Great minds... ! Also, I think chicken caesar salad could be compelling because older Christian Bale could be cajun grilled chicken over charred romaine or something.

Lisa Frank

@RK Fire Christian Bale in Newsies, anyone? I'm thinking like a mixed berry tart..sweet, but also sour.

eiffeldesigns

@RK Fire I've had a crush on Christian Bale since Empire of the Sun. And Newsies! NEWSIES!!!

He was always a little on the complex side... trying to think of complex foods and completely failing. The only thing I can think of is mole- at first a little sweet, but the depth of flavor is intoxicating. Also, not to everyone's liking, but those of us who love it, love it with a passion.

RK Fire

@Mary Miller Oh man, so I only had my first popover six years ago and they are magical.

RK Fire

@Kirs Mole is a completely acceptable answer!

@all I've never seen Newsies...

anachronistique

@RK Fire Right, my thinking is that as an adult he's the kind of salad where the ingredient list makes you go "what EVEN" but then it tastes astonishingly good. Or something.

AND HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN NEWSIES.

eiffeldesigns

@RK Fire YOU HAVE TO SEE NEWSIES.

I'm assuming we are all around the same age here (29-38ish)- how could you be a teen in the 90s and not be subjected to it at least once at a slumber party?

RK Fire

Now that I think about it, I didn't go to many slumber parties. Strict immigrant mother =/= slumber party fun and a lot of teenage social activities. Not saying that I didn't go out at all, but somehow I did miss it..

Mary Miller

@RK Fire YOU. MUST. SEE. NEWSIES. "Open the gates and seize the day!" (That's Newsies giving you encouragement to watch.)

PatatasBravas

CAN WE HAVE A PIN-UP FOR NEWSIES

wait wait IDEA since we are all in different time zones, we should coordinate for a FOT? like an internet book club, but with movies we watch on Fridays, and part of the thread just becomes a reaction and GIF party?

this might be ridiculous in which case I apologize, I just drank damn near a liter of chai

meetapossum

@PatatasBravas YES, CAN WE PLEASE??

breccia

@PatatasBravas OH SHIT NEWSIES WHAT
NEWSIES IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOVIE OF OUR GENERATION.

FOT newsies please! Can I call the role of Kid Blink? Cause obviously there will be singalongs.

pinniped

@Kirs I fall outside of that age group, yet we watched Newsies in my middle school history class...#winning

Spot Collins 4-eva! "Brooklyn!" "Soak 'em for Crutchy!"

anachronistique

90s Christian Bale: chicken caesar salad?

DoMark

How about Scott Wolf from Party of Five? My first thought was a plain baked potato from Wendy's.

Scandyhoovian

@DoMark I just laughed way too hard.

iceberg

@DoMark Yes. ETA- it's the "from Wendy's" that sent me over the edge.

Jolie Kerr

@Scandyhoovian I just laughed so loud that I went right into a snort-laugh. I'm alone, and still am so embarrassed for myself.

No!Ra!

@DoMark Scott Wolf is totally ants-on-a-log, with chocolate chips not raisins (GRODY). He's a wholesome, and yet blandly fun, after school snack. (Note: He's ants-on-a-log with raisins when Bailey's being awful.)

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@No!Ra! ANTS ON A LOG! I AM DYING.

tea sonata

Oh Oh oh, Heath Ledger in 10 things I hate about you.

tea sonata

@tea sonata Something barbequed, I should add.

Judith Slutler

@tea sonata Shrimp on the barbie, in tribute to his incongruous accent?

teaandcakeordeath

@Emmanuelle Cunt
Yeah rustic, masculine but with a surprisingly sophisticated side like grilled kale? Smoked aubergine?

Judith Slutler

@teaandcakeordeath Grilled asparagus with balsamic vinegar marinade

OhMarie

@tea sonata Like a BBQ flavored chip, or does it have to actually be something barbequed? Maybe like mustard BBQed wings?

teaandcakeordeath

@Emmanuelle Cunt
Dang I could eat a meal of Heath Ledger right now.

Scandyhoovian

@teaandcakeordeath Christ Jesus, Heath Ledger sounds delicious.

TARDIStime

@teaandcakeordeath Served with craft beer.

EpWs

@TARDIStime Perfect

TARDIStime

@TARDIStime bonus points for whoever makes a beer-flavoured-nipples appetiser.

Verity

@tea sonata Barbecued pork ribs? Or really good chilli, with smoked paprika and dark chocolate.

Scandyhoovian

Jason James Richter (FREE WILLY!) is most definitely a boston creme doughnut.

in the sense that I loved him the most and I love boston creme doughnuts the most

Scandyhoovian

@Jolie Kerr Hahaha while I agree with the sentiment there, I am not actually on Deadspin!

Scandyhoovian

This might be my favorite 'Pin post of all time. I cannot stop laughing.

Also I'm hungry, so now I'm mentally saying things like "I wouldn't mind a bit of Antonio Banderas for dinner... with a side of Sherilynn Fenn."

martinipie

@Scandyhoovian Omg, I know, I keep snorting to myself at work. I love this thread and all it has wrought!

Scandyhoovian

@martinipie My other question is, what does it say about me that I think I'm really good at this? Comparing people to food? Is this something you can have a natural talent for, and if so, how do I apply it to my professional life?

pinniped

@Scandyhoovian I personally seem to have a knack for deciding what animals people could be. Not as delicious, sadly.

aphrabean

Has anyone done 90s girl crushes? Did I miss this? Mine are all so embarrassing, I cringe inside too hard to be able to even think of food. ANGELINA JOLIE IN FOXFIRE THERE I SAID IT.

aphrabean

@aphrabean Strawberry Boones and those little flavored cigarettes from the headshop that make you dizzy b/c you're just learning how to inhale properly.

PatatasBravas

NO CRINGING, LET'S DO THIS THING!

Jolie Kerr

My '90s girl crush was D'Arcy from Smashing Pumpkins. I believe if she were a foodstuff she would be a finely shredded salad of jicama and purple carrots, dressed with some sort of citrus.

fallopian princess

@aphrabean OMG, yes. Angelina Jolie in Firefox + Gia + Hackers!

PatatasBravas

lol like the Leto and JTT people weren't cringing already

Scandyhoovian

How are we not discussing the hotness of the early ER days?

'Cause GEORGE CLOONEY, Y'ALL, IS HE NOT S'MORES?

PatatasBravas

@Scandyhoovian S'mores is flawless: warm and melty and crispy edges, chocolate for that wink he throws, the stability and support of a graham cracker perfectly broken along the perforated middle to make symmetrical squares.

area@twitter

@Scandyhoovian George Clooney is single malt scotch to me, now and forever. Smooth, smoky, both sophisticated and dirty as a growl. (ETA: This is later Clooney, though. Like "Ocean's Eleven" and onward.)

DoMark

@Scandyhoovian Perfect. So it isn't quite the '90s, but if Clooney on ER is s'mores then Clooney on Roseanne is just the graham crackers. Mmm-hmm.

teaandcakeordeath

@Scandyhoovian
He IS s'mores!

Carter/Noah Wile is like a lemon ice lolly. Very light but very sweet.

EpWs

@Scandyhoovian HE TOTALLY IS.

Rose_H_Tyler

I don't have anything to add because the commentariat has already covered all my 90s crushes, but this is just SO BRILLIANT!
Please please do 00s and 10s crushes next @Mary Miller and @Katie Walsh.

iceberg

@Rosetyler yes please

OhMarie

@Rosetyler I'm more into this than I could ever have guessed and I definitely need more installments.

anachronistique

@Rosetyler I want to see an 80s edition. THAT would get interesting.

Bittersweet

@anachronistique Definitely. I had more crushes in the 80s (because I am old).

TARDIStime

@Rosetyler +1+1+1!!!!
00's next, please.

TARDIStime

@TARDIStime I'm excited about 80's, though - I want to know what Michael J Fox looks like on a plate.

adorable-eggplant

@TARDIStime I already have my '00s crush picked out.

MrsTeacherFace

Am I the only one who had a crush on Nicholas Brendon, Xander from Buffy? He was just the right amount of hilarious and awkward and nerdy, and I wanted him to marry Willow and live happily ever after.

He would probably be... spaghetti with meatsauce that is going to obnoxiously get all over my white shirt.

TheLetterL

@MrsTeacherFace You are not alone. No, you are not.

Spaghetti with meatsauce is perfect.

anachronistique

@MrsTeacherFace PERFECT. But what about Seth Green?

Scandyhoovian

@anachronistique I think Seth Green is a bagel.

iceberg

@anachronistique Seth Green!!!! Crunchy Cheetos (I LOVE crunchy cheetos, DO NOT judge).

ETA. no, @Scandyhoovian is totally right, Seth Green is a bagel. But a really good fresh one. That II want to sink my teeth into. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

teaandcakeordeath

@anachronistique
I see Seth as fajitas. FA-HEE-TAAAAHS!

Scandyhoovian

@teaandcakeordeath I feel like I should clarify my bagel.

I mean like, he is clearly the mythical New York bagel that former New Yorkers living in other areas wax lyrical about to all their friends that no deli bagel outside of New York can even compare to even a little bit, even if it's the best bagel a non-New Yorker feels they have ever eaten.

He's THAT bagel.

anachronistique

@Scandyhoovian With lox and a schmear.

Jolie Kerr

@anachronistique Ahhh haaaa upthread, not having seen this, I pegged Seth Green as a wishbone!

teaandcakeordeath

@Scandyhoovian
oooh. good bagel.

Verity

@MrsTeacherFace You are not. And spaghetti and meatsauce (meatballs, maybe) is completely right.

Seth Green is something sophisticated and exciting, but comforting. For some reason, I am thinking tarka daal - slightly spicy, but soothing and lovely.

anachronistique

Tom Everett Scott circa That Thing You Do!: black coffee and apple strudel. (Because it's foreign.)

anachronistique

Johnathon Schaech is linguine with clams.
Ethan Embry is salsa con queso from a jar.

(Steve Zahn is anchovy pizza.)

Katie Walsh

@anachronistique All of these are perfect. You have the gift.

anachronistique

@Katie Walsh I am literally blushing.

Mary Miller

@Katie Walsh @anachronistique Seconded.

bananalise

Ryan Philippe needs to be something.
And somebody needs to be Vienetta.

teaandcakeordeath

@bananalise
Macarons?

wee_ramekin

@bananalise Ryan Phillipe is caramel-flavored popcorn.

rowrow

@bananalise those banana marshmallow candies. or the 'strawberry' ones, covered in the red sugar. you think they're delicious as you eat them, but they leave a weird chemical taste in your mouth.

Mary Miller

I feel we'd be remiss in not mentioning the ultimate '90s Dude Crush, John F. Kennedy Jr. He's obviously Baron of Beef, am I right? #RIP #<3

PatatasBravas

@Mary Miller I don't understand this at all.

Mary Miller

@PatatasBravas I was just thinking about the most top-shelf thing you could eat?

Katie Walsh

@Mary Miller Prime rib, creamed spinach, scotch.

PatatasBravas

Right but JFK Jr. was very, very dead and also kind of a jerk? and if we are doing crushes of the 90s it just confuses me.

Now, if we are doing "Historical Figures We Weirdly Had Crushes On" for the next edition, I AM GOING TO BE SO PUMPED FOR THAT

Mary Miller

@PatatasBravas Well, he died in 1999, so IMO he counts. And he was involved in pop culture. And I don't think he was a jerk! He is my top '90s crush and also just all-around crush. BUT TO EACH THEIR OWN.

Scandyhoovian

@PatatasBravas LORD BYRON

PatatasBravas

@Mary Miller MY BAD I MISREAD YOUR COMMENT for regular ol' JFK and now it is too late to delete :(

I am sorry. Here is a present to make up for my stupidity:

PatatasBravas

you'd think i'd have noticed the obvious incongruity between "is someone's 90s crush" and "had been a mouldering corpse for 30 years during the 90s" but apparently not, shamefaced

PatatasBravas

@Scandyhoovian The historical figures one would be so much fun! Also fictional characters would be a good one!

Mary Miller

@PatatasBravas Totally understandable. But...oooh you chose a good pic of JFK Junior!!! *~*~DAT HAIR~*~*~ (I wish I could insert the Emoji face with the hearts-for-eyes here!)

PatatasBravas

@Mary Miller That is at least four inches of volume. At least! How?!

Mary Miller

@PatatasBravas Good hair genes!!!

http://i49.tinypic.com/1osux4.jpg

Mary Miller

@Mary Miller Shoot, I tried to photo-comment but it didn't work. How do I photo-comment?

PatatasBravas

@Mary Miller Get the image location (control+click) and then copy/paste that into
the little img src recipe at this link.

Mary Miller

@Mary Miller Yesssss! SUCCESS TO THE 'GOOD HAIR GENES' PIC! Thank youuuuuu!

EggsErroneous

I want a grilled cheese so badly right now. Or a man. I'm so confused.

Jinxie

@EggsErroneous Why settle for just one or the other?

area@twitter

@EggsErroneous WHY NOT BOTH.

iceberg

@EggsErroneous I would eat a grilled cheese sandwich off of 90's Tyson Beckford's washboard abs.

I am so gross.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@iceberg TYSON! I am also apparently the only person alive who remembers Ian Somerhalder from his 90s modeling days. My 26-year-old friend is like "he's so hot in Vampire Diaries!" and I'm like "HE'S LOOKED LIKED THAT FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS WTF."

adorable-eggplant

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Maybe he really is a vampire.

Lucienne

@Oliver St. John Mollusc I don't remember him from 90s modeling, but I have watched Young Americans. So, actually, I'm kind of bitter about how Vampire Diaries haircut.

EpWs

@iceberg Jesus, who wouldn't?

iceberg

90's Billy Zane you guys. The eyebrows. Dark chocolate Ghirardelli squares, I think.

wee_ramekin

@iceberg IT'S A WALK-OFF.

anachronistique

@wee_ramekin Listen to your friend Billy Zane! He's a cool dude!

(I would say pineapple upside-down cake, though.)

Mary Miller

@iceberg My vote is Mounds, like Almond Joy but with no almonds.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@iceberg OH HOLY SHITBALLS is he hot in Twin Peaks!

TARDIStime

@Oliver St. John Mollusc This reminds me: what food is Kyle McLaughlin?
If we're going circa Twin Peaks, it has to be scrambled eggs on toast with the perfect black coffee, doesn't it?

Queen Elisatits

GUYS! Paul Rudd?

anachronistique

@Queen Elisatits I was about to ask if anyone had done this! Clueless Paul Rudd reads as supermarket Brie on a squishy baguette to me.

adorable-eggplant

@anachronistique This actually makes me like him more? As in, I just thought to myself, "Maybe I should give that dude a second chance."

Queen Elisatits

@anachronistique paired with a supermarket white wine?

PatatasBravas

@Queen Elisatits HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES

adorable-eggplant

@Queen Elisatits It just occurred to me: what if these guys are reading this thread? Paul Rudd, chime in here on what varietal of grape you'd be! Chardonnay? Pinot Gris?

MarianTheLibrarian

@Queen Elisatits My heart just skipped a beat at the thought of 90s Paul Rudd. I just bought The Object of My Affection several weeks ago. I hadn't watched it in years and years. I can't reign in my overwhelming lust for that man.

TARDIStime

@adorable-eggplant Sparkling Moscato.

adorable-eggplant

@TARDIStime I love Moscato and pizza with green olives, but that is too much of a guilty pleasure to be Paul Rudd.

TARDIStime

@adorable-eggplant a guilty pleasure enjoyed BY Paul Rudd, circa Clueless?

adorable-eggplant

@TARDIStime Oh man, that's probably the case... Darn you and your relatability, Paul Rudd.

anachronistique

How has nobody done Ewan McGregor? Didn't Trainspotting come out in '94? And he was super cute in Emma in spite of the world's worst wig!

iceberg

@anachronistique Haggis! Bahahahahahhahaha. No, a fancy sandwich on ciabatta, with that bullshit hippie lettuce (arugula?) and sundried tomatoes.

anachronistique

@iceberg This is even better due to the use of "bullshit hippie lettuce." <3 u, bergie!

tea sonata

@anachronistique
In Trainspotting he is pub nuts, soaked in a puddle of beer dribbled onto the bar.
In Velvet Underground (1998), however, he's not food, he's cocaine. Or cheap vodka.

stonefruit

@iceberg "bullshit hippie lettuce (arugula?)" this is excellent. Excellent!

anachronistique

@tea sonata Velvet Goldmine cannot be reduced to mere foodstuffs! (It's one of my favorite movies, though, omg.)

lucy snowe

@anachronistique Ewan Macgregor's hotness defies decades.
I will looooove hiiiimmmmm... until my dy-y-y-y-ing--

lucy snowe

@lucy snowe maybe... figgy pudding with hard sauce and lots of flaming brandy.

Better to Eat You With

@lucy snowe My husband used to get told he looked like Ewan McGregor all the time when we were younger, and I got Renee Zellweger. So when Down With Love came out it was...weird.

lucy snowe

@Better to Eat You With I thought that movie was cute.

You two sound adorable!

Sassafrass

Also, Dazed and Confused? One of my all time favorite 90s movies... I feel like Matthew McConaughey in that movie is like a perfect classic cheeseburger and fries, and cheap cold beer. While Wiley Wiggins (who was my number one crush in that movie - I tended to pick the character closest to my real age, of course thinking that bettered my chances IRL should I meet them) would be... a cherry popcicle on a summer day.

Mary Miller

@Sassafrass YES! And Slater is a pot brownie, riiiiight?

Sassafrass

@Mary Miller Of course!! duh - why didn't I think of that? "it'd be a lot cooler if you did..."

ironhoneybee

@Sassafrass Yes! I was just coming down here to point out that no one had mentioned the London Twins. TWINS. So much material to work with there. Some potential thoughts:
-The McRib and a side of fries
-Eggplant Parm and Spaghetti
-2 White Castle Sliders
-1 Jello Pudding cup, and then, later, another Jello Pudding cup

Sassafrass

@ironhoneybee White Castle Sliders!

tea sonata

YOU GUYS, Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire.
A bunch of red grapes.

And Hugh Grant? Maybe? This guy is the Cheese Platter, never mind the brie. Or some kind of wedding buffet mixed nibbles thing.

Jinxie

@tea sonata Cucumber sandwich with the crust cut off. And a cup of tea.

Sassafrass

@tea sonata What about Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It?

adorable-eggplant

@Sassafrass Or Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting?

tea sonata

@Sassafrass I've not seen it, but judging by a Google Image Search, all I can think is fish cooked on a campfire. Which has spoiled it for me.
Anyone else got a better suggestion?

Mary Miller

@Sassafrass Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It is fresh whole-roasted river trout. Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting is...beautiful. I mean...Brach's pick-a-mix caramels.

adorable-eggplant

@Mary Miller Or Garrett popcorn, the Chicago mix-- even though the movie was set in Boston so maybe that's sacrilegious.

Or a hot Cider. Yeah, hot Cider.

Sassafrass

@Mary Miller Yes, the trout was the obvious choice. I feel like I like Brad Pitt in that role more than trout, maybe something rebellious like brownies with chili? I don't know, that doesn't seem quite right.

Totally down with your pick-a-mix pick for Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting. Dreamy...

Amphora

@adorable-eggplantaked beans and a shot of whiskey.

Amphora

@adorable-eggplant ooh yes Garrett popcorn! Sweet or salty, it's a surprise!

TARDIStime

@Sassafrass I LIKE Matt Damon now, but I LOVE 90's Matt Damon.
I miss him. He was this perfect mix of being sweet and sexy at the same time.

Amphora

@Amphora this is what I get for trying to reply on my phone while trying to stay upright on the train.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

Did I miss Christian Slater somewhere in here? He was my jam (oh who am I kidding he still is TRUE ROMANCE FTW). I feel like he's kettle corn or something -- sweet and salty, yes ma'am.

EpWs

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Scroll up a bit! Consensus: corn nuts.

lucy snowe

Okay, so I was just thinking about Bill Pullman:
http://thehairpin.com/2013/03/all-the-songs-from-the-soundtrack-of-the-1982-film-adaptation-of-annie-discussed#comment-495048

I think I've got it:
chicken pot pie. Savory and satisfying, cute and unassuming.

And Will Smith, up thread?
A devil dog.

raised amongst catalogs

@lucy snowe "Okay, so I was just thinking about Bill Pullman" = STORY OF MY LIFE.

lucy snowe

@raised amongst catalogs mmmm. Pot pie.

raised amongst catalogs

@lucy snowe The pot pie is a powerhouse of steamy comfort! I would also compare Mr. Pullman to a buttermilk biscuit, piping hot from the oven, with butter and a drizzle of honey.

lucy snowe

@raised amongst catalogs Ah! Brilliant! He is a tasty biscuit.

teebs

This was my favorite post of all time.

Better to Eat You With

Thank you all for this. I really, really needed it today.

adorable-eggplant

@Better to Eat You With Why look who has the perfect user name for this post. ;)

Verity

Working out food-related associations is reminding me of Arrested Development.
"What do you think of when you hear the words Sudden Valley?"
"Salad dressing, I think. But, for some reason, I don't want to eat it."

sceps yarx

River Phoenix: angel food cake?

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