Brought to you by the excellent Mariel Fiedler.
art, gifs, mariel fiedler, open thread
So out of the blue I got a text from my ex this afternoon after not communicating with him in any way in years. Apparently the place I went to get my bloodwork on Tuesday still has his number on file. I don't know why, but they called him instead of me. So he told me they called but then he's all "Hope everything's going good" and "Happy Easter" and ":)" and I said thanks but did not reply in kind because fuck yooooooou.
@fondue with cheddar I can't stop reading my ex's blog. I don't actually want any kind of relationship with him. He's crossed the line too many times communication-wise. There's been too many "Hope everything's going good :)" That immediately turn into "Why are you shoving your happiness in my face?!"
Out of the blue texts make my stomach turn.
@cminor I can't stop reading my ex's twitter, but it's mainly just reminders of why we broke up in 140 characters or less, so maybe that's healthy?
@lookuplookup Yeah, I can't really get a fix on why I do it, but it also doesn't seem to be harmful.
@lookuplookup At least it's succinct...? :-/
(Once my ex wrote me a long letter and slid it under my door. At night.)
@cminor I read his for awhile, as well as the "friend" he left me for. Their relationship sort of crashed and burned in the immediate aftermath, which was the ultimate schadenfreude, but then they got back together. But before long I just didn't care. I got on with my life and focused on myself and thanked my lucky stars that I was out of that terrible marriage. It doesn't so much hurt me to hear from him because I sure as hell don't want him, it's just that he's not in my life and I like it that way. I don't want to be reminded of him, and I certainly don't want to talk to him. I don't want him to be all nice and friendly because it makes my not being nice and friendly seem like I'm being a bitch. But honestly, after all the things he did and all the hell he put me though, merely being neutral toward him is generous.
@lookuplookup Haha, I'm inclined to believe that that's healthy. ;) If I ever need a reminder of why it's good that I'm not with him anymore I can always go back to his old livejournal (which is still up!) where he wrote this open letter to all our friends and everybody reponded and I wrote an open letter back to him and dirtylaundryrama. He unintentionally made himself look like an ass, which made me feel even better about the breakup.
@fondue with cheddar There was no drama quite like LJ drama...
@fondue with cheddar I can't stop looking at my ex's new girl's various social media postings of them (Vine, for god's sake) even though I don't want him back and she seems lame and I would never leap into anything serious after 2 weeks and/or plaster a burgeoning relationship all over the internet. I downloaded a sober-days counter on my phone to help me quit.
@dj pomegranate UNDER YOUR DOOR AT NIGHT? That is like one step away from Marky Mark in Fear territory. The closest my ex came to that was a late night drunk email that featured the sentence: I hope we don't see each other for long enough that I can be an adult (A BULLSHIT THING, BY THE WAY, THAT is USED BY SOCIETY TO ELIMINATE THE NECESSARY EMOTIONS TO EXIST*). I have this email starred in gmail as another easily accessible reminder of, "Damn I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you whiny little rat face."
@PomoFrannyGlass The sober days counter is such a good idea!!! While I don't think I have an unhealthy relationship with my ex's social media presence, it's also certainly not a thing I need in my life.
@PomoFrannyGlass I get it, though. Reminding yourself that she's lame makes you feel better about the breakup. I mean, even if you don't want the guy and are glad you've broke up, there's still a part of you that wants validation. At least that's how it is for me. But it's not healthy. The sober days counter is a good idea!
@fondue with cheddar The sober days counter totally came from an old Hairpin post about heartbreak and using a calendar and gold stars to keep yourself from contacting/internet stalking your ex! I just needed something I could keep with me all the time.
@lookuplookup Whoa. Whiny little rat face indeed!
Yeah, I gave up trying to "just be friends" with my ex when he didn't understand why sliding long letters under my door at night was a poor communication technique. ("My therapist said that it would help me to write down my feelings!" "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEND THE LETTERS, YOU IDIOT.")
@PomoFrannyGlass It's brilliant!
Speaking of which, I don't really go on my Facebook, but when I do I keep getting those damn friend suggestions of them because we have so many friends in common. Does anyone know if there's a way to block people from showing up there?
@fondue with cheddar I think you have to block the person entirely, in Privacy Settings.
@PomoFrannyGlass Okay. I hardly ever use Facebook, and it seems like every time I do everything's completely changed and I have no idea how to do anything!
@fondue with cheddar I use Facebook every day and I feel the same way. It's not you, it's Facebook!
@dj pomegranate Oh, I know it's not me because people who use it regularly complain about it, too!
@lookuplookup I heard this -- "Damn I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you whiny little rat face." -- and started trying to shoehorn it into the Sophie B. Hawkins song "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover." It didn't quite scan but now I have that song stuck in my head.
@fondue with cheddar Yes, I think there is an easy way to stop getting a friend suggestion! Hover your mouse over the suggestion, and you should see a grey X show up in the upper right corner. You can click on the X to remove the person, and in my experience, then they don't show up anymore.
@lookuplookup I made it my new years resolution to STOP.READING.HIS.TWITTTER.
Well it was stop reading two people's twitters. I'm still good on one, but the other fucker decided he wanted to be friends again after 3 years of not talking to me and my resolve went out the window.
@PomoFrannyGlass Holy crap that heartbreak post was the best thing ever. I had it bookmarked during a really rough breakup last year and I pretty much re-read every day.
@fondue with cheddar
just saying hi, guys!
@rosaline That's good to know, thanks!
Are there any 'Pinners who live in the Bay Area who are into CouchSurfing/BeWelcome/Hospitality Club and might be interested in hosting a fellow 'Pinner in mid-April? Ideally in San Francisco, Oakland, or Berkeley closeish to a BART stop, but wherever as long as I could get around without a car.
I'm a seasoned CS host and surfer (since 2007, 41 positive references, no negs or neutrals, I can send you my profile), but a combination of the shitty new CS site/search and many of the people I've requested being unavailable, I'm having trouble finding someone. I just joined BeWelcome as well but there are not as many folks on there so it's been even harder.
It'd be for one night on 4/11 when I get in from the airport, and then the 4/14-4/17 (I'll be with a friend in Davis in between). I would not be very needy, I have a long list of shit I'd like to amuse myself with -- but I'd totally want to make/buy you dinner or a drink or something as a thank you if your schedule allows. If you're into it, let me know and I can give you more details (through CS or BeWelcome if you prefer or just email).
And, for those who aren't into the hospitality exchange thing: anyone got recommendations for Bay Area must-sees and -dos?
@mustelid Learn from my mistakes: Bi-Rite Creamery and Tartine are on the same block.
@Clare Duly noted *drool*
@mustelid Do not have a big enough couch for someone to sleep on, but long time Bay Area native here! Here's assuming you've never been and want to hit up the sites:
Fisherman's Wharf: Awful. I mean yes, there are sea lions there, but that's something to see at the end of a run on the Embarcadero, not make a big trip for.
Alcatraz: May seem like a big tourist trap, but it's actually well done and I very much enjoyed it. Book those tickets in advance though!
Golden Gate Park: Nice museums (deYoung if you like art, CalAcademy if you like science/animals/possess childlike wonder) and a great place to spend a sunny day
MoMa: Usually has very nice exhibits
Chrissy Field/Presidio/ Golden Gate: You have to go see the bridge, and hopefully the weather is nice. These are all lovely spots (I also like Baker beach a lot if you can get to it - apparently it's where nudists hang out but I have only seen a coven of witches there (not kidding, they had a cauldron on the beach)).
Mission: This is where the cool hipsters hang out. Grab some delicious food from Bi-Rite and Tartine and hang out in Dolores Park and see who has the weirdest outfit on! Also, there is great food in this neighborhood, way more than I can possibly recommend, and bars too!
I'm sure whoever you end up staying with will also have great ideas!
@Clare And if the line for the "regular" ice cream at BiRite is too long (I mean, it WILL be long, but whether or not it's "too long" is up to you.) go to the soft serve window. They only have 2 flavors at a time (always vanilla, and one other that changes every day) but holy god is it good. In fact, skip the regular stuff and go straight for the soft serve.
@Beaker Neat trick re. the DeYoung - if you don't want to do the museum (it's expensive!), you can still access the tower! When you go in, there's an elevator bank to the right of the long ticket desk; take the elevator to the top where there's a big viewing room. Glass all around so you get a 360 view and on nice days you can even see a (wee) bit of the Golden Gate Bridge. And there's a gift shop.
@Clare Uh, as are Delfina, Delfina Pizzeria, and a new ramen place that looks quite good. (Learn from mine too.)
@stonefruit I'd also advise heading down towards Mission St. as well. It's, um, a little grittier BUT there's Mission Chinese at 18th and Mission which is fantastic, and burritos aplenty. And pupusas (Balompie at 18th and Capp!).
@Jinxie YESSSSSS Balompie at 18th & Capp! My brother and I like to go their for our annual "it's Chanukah, gotta eat some fried food" dinners.
@mustelid Yes! Happy hour at La Mar is fabulous if you like seafood and pisco cocktails. It's Peruvian, and has wonderful ceviches and causas with are delicious, cold mashed potato cylinders with some of the freshest, sweetest crab on top (sounds crazy, but it's amazing if you like crab). Also, House, on Grant Ave in Northbech does some fabulous Asian fusion. I know, fusion, blah, but seriously, what they do is glorious, they have yummy Japanese rice beers, and for SF, it's not crazy expensive. They fill up quickly, but it's great for lunch as well as dinner, and less crowded.
I'll also add to the Bi-Rite pile-on. Their sundaes are like whoa.
@mustelid Hey! I'm an undergrad at UC Berkeley and I live in a co-op house with 60 other female-identified people (for realsies) that is located right next to campus/15 minutes away from the BART station. We are allowed to have guests for up to one week and, if they contribute a little bit of cash to the house, guests can also eat our food (we have dinners 5 nights a week and plenty of food in the pantry and fridges). Unfortunately, there is no space in my bedroom (a double) for a third person, but we have two extra rooms with comfy sofas that guests always sleep in that I could definitely reserve for you. Also unfortunately, I have a physics midterm (bleh) on the night of 4/11 and after I will probably escape to see Foals at the Fillmore, but I could definitely have someone let you in and show you to where you would be sleeping (everyone in my house is SUPER nice and awesome). So, if you're interested, feel free to e-mail me at email@example.com
Also, I grew up in San Francisco so I would be glad to recommend plenty of fun things to do and see.
@mustelid OMG!!!!!!!I know A ton of fun places
USS Hornet museum GO WITH A DOCENT! they are soo funny and know so much about Naval history.
FENTONS!!!!!!!!!!!! nommy icecream!
Go to SF aquarium!
Japanese tea Garden! It's soo lovely and cool
@ALL OF YOU Thank you so much! My "Bay Area April 2013" GoogleMap is bursting with pinpoints now. I don't expect to be able to do everything, but I know if I find myself lostish on a random street with no idea what to do, there will probably be something nearby that I've saved.
@forcingasmile Thank you so much, you are incredibly awesome! I sent you an email. If you are not on CouchSurfing or BeWelcome already, you should totally sign up for it -- your house sounds perfect for it.
Hi Hairpin! Nice to see you all and I hope you're doing well.
I made them! I actually made the homemade crème eggs from last week! They weren’t difficult, but they were a PROJECT. I am still finding chocolate splatters in my kitchen. But they are tasty! All my co-workers loved them. You should definitely make them. Or just spend .70 on the real ones. It’s all good.
-I used orange blossom honey and agave instead of the golden syrup and ended up adding a little more orange blossom water than the recipe wanted. I also didn’t bother making yolks. It worked out just fine. (Take that, recipe!)
- Keep a close eye on your mixer; the filling is basically the color and consistency of Silly Putty at room temp, and my hand-mixer started getting that overheated motor smell before I gave up and used a spoon.
-You will probably need longer than you think to adequately chill the filling. Let it chill. No, really. Let it chillllllllll.
-For the chocolate, I would actually advise against using chocolate chips. The filling itself is already hummingbird levels of sweet. So, I skipped the recipe and doctored up melted baker’s chocolate to make it palatable but not toooooo sweet, and it worked nicely. I used coconut oil because it hardens when chilled.
@TheLetterL YUUUUUM. Thanks for reporting back! I would probably have used bittersweet or baker's chocolate to balance out the sweetness, too. I'm glad it worked! :)
@fondue with cheddar It reminds me of Shel Silverstein!
@Valley Girl Haha! I can see that.
Friday Sample Sale, formerly the Bargain Bin. This week: Easter and pope shoes.
@Daisy Razor I share your weakness for holiday tea towels and actually snorted at "Resurrection Chic!" :)
@Daisy Razor YAY. Sample Sale with bonus recipe! You are the best!
@Daisy Razor That fascinator is to DIE for. Rather than buying it, though, I might attempt to DIY a recreation. I hosted a DIY Fascinator crafternoon with some friends last year in preparation for a Derby party and it was tremendous fun. (Even if I find few opportunities to wear a bright green hat covered in glitter and netting.)
@Daisy Razor This is wonderful! Keep doing it. Also, deviled eggs are the most delicious ever.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher oh right: there's also a BACON DEVILED EGGS recipe. First made for the Boston Hairpin deviled egg pageant, in fact.
@theLetterL I am so glad I'm not the only person under 60 who loves tea towels! They're just so kitschy and colorful.
@jinxie A DIY fascinator party is a great idea! I've been completely amazed by the range of stuff you can get at big craft stores.
@Daisy Razor I love this, thanks! Trying to rationalize why I need two pairs of driving moccasins, the blue ones I have already and these awesome red ones.
@Daisy Razor Those eggs were SO GOOD. It's almost Spring! Should we do it again?
WHY DID JOLIE LEAVE US FOR JEZEBEL?!
@minijen I'm guessing the money/larger audience?
@Lily Rowan - I guess we'll just have to be graciously happy for her, and sad for us. The commenters are just to vicious to engage.
@minijen My hope is that Jolie will be a civilizing influence on them. (A girl can dream, I guess?)
@minijen I WAS WONDERING THAT. SO UNHAPPY.
@minijen Oh yeah -- I hope that didn't sound snotty, just factual. I am thrilled if she's making bank with her cleaning magicks!
@Lily Rowan - Not at all, it was just an intro to talk about how much we'll miss her HERE:) Obviously, not the end of the world, since I still read Jezebel, I just have to ignore the comments.
@minijen I MISS HER.
Maybe she can visit us sometimes?
It needs to be backyard barbecue weather now!
@chrysopoeia - Come to FL, it's the only reasonable time of the year! 75F today, and a brick 50-60F tonight, perfect for bbq and fire pits.
@minijen Yes! Florida needs more Pinners! I'm sitting here with my door and all of my windows open, enjoying a breeze.
@Mandalas - Get it while it's good, because it'll soon be so hot you want to vomit. But green! It'll be very, very green and pretty.
@chrysopoeia When that Willie Nelson article in Texas Monthly was going yesterday, someone noted that TM recently hired a barbecue editor. A barbecue editor!!! That's almost as cool as Willie Nelson.
@minijen Oh, how I know! Summer down here was a learning experience.
I'm getting out of work early but due to my lack of technology elsewhere will have to miss the FOT :/ Total best/worst.
Have a sunny weekend, fellow pinners!
@A. Louise I wish I was getting out of work early, but getting to participate in FOT is an okay consolation.
iceberg! Did you see this triplet cosplay? http://www.themarysue.com/brave-family-cosplay/ Cute.
@Lily Rowan - I thought of iceberg, too! Three little kilts, all in a row...
@Lily Rowan KILTS AND SNEAKERS
@Lily Rowan Hahaha adorable!!! Oh man if I had the time and money (and costume-making talent), soooo many costumes.
ETA: “All night they insisted on saying hi to all of the little girls dressed as Merida saying ‘it’s our sister.’” bawwwwwwwww
@Lily Rowan Just when I'd decided DINK was the way to go.
@iceberg I feel like for the Brave ones, mostly you just need the orange hairspray!
Who can help me find gifs of people (on tv or not on tv, whatever) on bikes or buses? Googling is proving not very successful.
@Li'l Sebastian Are you doing the animated gif search on google?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher what is that even??
@Li'l Sebastian Google image search lets you sort by image type now, including "animated!" Click the "search tools" tab up at the top of your page of image results, hit the "any type" tab, and click the "animated" button.
@Li'l Sebastian Does this help?: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/bike%20gif
@Li'l Sebastian I usually add "gif" to my search to narrow things down but I didn't know there was actually an sorting option! Tumblr is also a good place to search directly for gifs since that's what all the Google results are anyway.
Weird situation I find myself in: I'm going to the doctor this afternoon even though I'm not sick, and I'm HOPING that they tell me something's wrong with me. (I have a sneaking suspicion I have thyroid issues, but obviously need the doctor to confirm.) If nothing is in fact wrong with me, it means that this feeling blergh is...permanent? And that's no good. So, um, anybody been here?
(Sidebar to nerves: I know that they'll probably order bloodwork, and man, does my phobia of needles hate bloodwork.)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Last semester my doctor and I suspected I had thyroid issues but it turned out to be severe stress (all my symptoms miraculously went away when I handed in my last assignment and cut down on my work hours!).
So even if it isn't thyroid or otherwise test-able, it could be something solveable. Good luck.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Ugh, needles. Ugh, doctors. I went to the doctor this week for a non-serious health issue that I have had for like, three years. Pro: I finally went! It was not Awful! Con: In my haste to escape I did not fully receive the help I needed.
My disinterested doctor asked me very few questions, did not examine me and when I went to get my "prescription" it was actually a recommendation for an over the counter remedy that I have already tried with no success. TEW learn from my mistakes! Not that I always do!
But it wasn't as emberassing/scary as I though it would be, so I'm going to go back (maybe tommorrow! haha yeah right).
Focus on how awesome you are being just for TRYING to work on a personal problem? 'Cause this stuff is really, really hard.
We'll all be here on the thread if you need a distraction :)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I have thyroid ish, and sometimes it's still ish-y even when I'm taking my medication perfectly and my thyroid profile all tests out normal. :( But! Most of the time the meds really help. I totally understand the feeling of hoping there's something wrong. I've gone to get tested several times when my energy level felt off, hoping to come up with whacky numbers on a test that are easily fixable with a pill. Sometimes that's been the case, sometimes not. I have greatly improved my thyro-problems by taking my medication with distilled water, so the junk in my tap water won't leech out the good stuff, and by switching to a cocktail of T3 and T4 (liothyronine and levothyroxine), instead of just the T4 they normally prescribe, which made no difference to my test results but significantly improved my mood and memory. Be forewarned, if your labs do show a thyroid problem, you won't feel instantly better once you start taking the medication. It took about 6 weeks to start making me feel better initially, and I remember feeling really sad that the meds weren't a magic insta-better bullet. But I did get much, much better! Best of luck to you; I hope your doc finds a way to fix your blergh, whatever the cause may be. Oh, and whenever I have to have blood drawn, I stare fixedly in the opposite direction and chatter at the lab tech about whatever I can think of to take my mind off of it. It helps!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher UGH I know exactly what you mean. I have been thyroid-y since I was 17, and I was SO happy to get told there was something wrong with me.
But don't give up if it's not thyroid and it doesn't show up on standard blood tests. When The Blergh happened to me again, and my thyroid tested normal, I resigned myself to that forever, but it turned out I had late-stage Lyme disease. (This is NOT what is going to happen to you, I FERVENTLY hope, but it could be something equally real and less horrible, so just don't give up on yourself! You know best if there's something up.)
@gobblegirl I have been a stressed out Wordsnatcher (hi, job!) but I'm hoping that's not it, because the job isn't going to change any time soon, sadly. I'm glad yours got figured out!
@Saskquatch I hope your issues get worked out soon! Doctors can be so frustrating.
@Jennifer Culp This is all so good to know, thank you--especially about pills taking a little while to get things worked out. As far as blood draws go, I know myself well enough to know that I have to be drugged to do it. Seriously. They asked if I wanted to try and do a draw today and I started panicking and tearing up. It succcccks but, thankfully, Valium.
@ellochka LYME DISEASE? Ooof, you poor thing! I'm glad they got your Blergh figured out. I hope to get mine figured out soon.
@everyone Thank you for the support and the help! Doc said it sounds like we should definitely test for thyroid and sent me home with a scrip for Valium and an appointment for labwork next week. Will keep y'all updated, and check next Friday's FOT for Valium'd Up Wordsnatcher. It is never not entertaining--last time we did this, my high ass was so excited that the blood draw actually happened (previously I had flipped out and the blood draw failed) that I wrote the phlebotomist a thank you note. And mailed it.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Sending you good wishes! My mum was blegh for ages - she didn't even realize it, just thought was was how she is - and it was her thyroid and she tells me now everyday how great she feels with her little pills.
@loren smith My mom's had thyroid issues since she was in her 20s, and hers are well managed with pills! It's always good to hear.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher A medically laid back Wordsnatcher! Wooooooo! Party @ the phlebotomist's!
I'm on the road for the next month or so, with sporadic internet access so I came back to say good luck! I'll send good thoughts your way!
Signed, an internet Saskquatch
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Even if the tests come back normal, there are ways to deal with tricky borderline thyroid issues. Acupuncture did wonders for me -- and it's not like blood work at all -- teeny tiny needles that you don't even feel because they are so much thinner than regular needles, which have to be hollow to let liquids pass through. I used to regularly fall asleep for 20 or 30 minute naps during my acupuncture sessions -- and it helped hugely.
@Saskquatch PARTY AT THE PHLEBOTOMIST'S INDEED. Sadly I have no mobile internet access but my mom is coming with so I have a sober driver and also someone to hold my hand. (I basically turn into a freaked-out toddler, it is embarassing.) Thanks for the support and good thoughts, have fun on the road!
@harebell That's good to hear! I don't handle acupuncture well, unfortunately, but if tests come back borderline/non-treatable-with-meds, I'll definitely look into alternative routes. If you don't mind me asking a very nosy question, what sort of symptoms were helped by the acupuncture? (DEFINITELY FEEL FREE TO NOT ANSWER THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If you have results that are a bit "we can't really find anything wrong", what worked for me was going to someone who has a Hemaview machine. They take a tiny pin prick of blood (they use the same doover thingy that they use for testing blood sugar levels in diabetics), put it on a slide and look at it under a microscope (it's hooked up to a computer screen, so you can look, too). It does things like measure the size of your blood cells, shows you whether you have inflammation in your system or not, and shows you what your cells are actually doing (mine were all stuck together and looked like stringy caterpillars). None of this stuff shows up in the bloodwork done by a GP, but it answered a lot of unanswered stuff for me, like why I was dizzy so frequently (my blood cells were too small and couldn't carry enough oxygen - treatment: eat more proteins and fatty acids).
A+, highly recommend.
@TARDIStime HOLY SHIT THAT'S A THING? That is MAGIC. Maaaaagic magic. Thank you so much for telling me about it, and if I end up on the fence, I will seek one out.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher PROTIP: it's technically called live blood screening, so if you include the search terms "Live Blood Screening" on Google, you may increase odds of locating someone who can help.
Also make sure you ask the operator to take pictures/screenshots of your blood cells during the session - they can email you the photos so you have them for posterity.
I received a message on Facebook from this girl that sparked my divorce, apologizing for her roll in all of the horrid stuff that happened. I haven't talked to her in 5 years because she was the source of so many feelings. The message made me cry. Time and apologies make so many things better.
Mostly time... but you know, apologies are really great too!
@Mandalas They really are. Apologies are freeing for everyone, in addition to being, um, free!
@Nicole Cliffe For real, I have harbored so much anger at this girl, despite my best efforts to move on with my life. She made things so much better in my head!
@Mandalas So, I stayed with my current SO after some cheating on both our parts. It was years ago, and I know some people staunchly believe you cannot have a relationship after that..but we've done it. Anyway, I definitely still have some unresolved anger towards her. I know I'm supposed to be all sisterhood, let's not fight over him, but I'd be lying if I said I was okay with her. I'd feel so much better if she would just simply acknowledge her part in the whole thing. So I'm glad you got something positive out of that.
@Mandalas Wow, that's awesome. I'm so glad it was a relief for you!!
@par_parenthese It was. I don't think I'm going to become her friend again or anything but I've let go of a lot of the hate I was holding onto.
@Mandalas So glad for you. This is how I think of forgiveness - it's not that you condone (or even accept) the wrong that was done to you, but you work to put down the anger and bitterness and hatred that's crushing you.
This week has been really fucking tough, no way around it. I am looking forward to a few things this weekend: brunch! and seeing Bonnie 'Prince' Billy for free in a little record shop! But I am also dreading so, so much.
@yeah-elle Deep sympathies. I hope the brunch and the music go some way to assuaging all that dread. And hopefully the things you dread won't all happen.
I have been having anxiety and depression issues for a while and have been planning (but have not made actual moves) to see a therapist. My boyfriend was being distant when I tried to talk to him about it, and finally said last night that he thinks psychology is "quackery."
I don't know what to do.
@frigwiggin - DTMFA. Sorry, that may be a little extreme, but I just don't understand when people don't believe that depression, anxiety and the ilk are "quackery". You may be able to educate him, and bring him to realize that just because he hasn't experienced it, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but...that's not really your job. Your job right now is to heal YOU, his job is to love and support you. Even if he doesn't believe the way you do, he could still be supportive.
@frigwiggin I don't know what to say, but I'm so sorry.
(I have a raft of unproductive responses that I have deleted on the grounds that I'm sure you are thinking them too and don't need the pile-on. Primarily I am just so sorry to hear this.)
@frigwiggin Looking forward to hear other pinners advice, because I find myself in a similar situation. This is the first time I've felt *ready* to do therapy in the two times I've seen a psychologist. The other times were once when I was a child and once in college. My boyfriend hasn't said the word "quackery," but seems sort of uncomfortable with the entire idea. Blahhhhh
@frigwiggin Oh wow, oof. Well, don't let that dissuade you in your search for help. That's important. I think it's important that you make it clear to him that you personally find it helpful and that it is essential to your health, at this point, and maybe you can frame it in a way he might better understand, ie: "Just like with physical ailments, it's important for me to seek objective help from a professional."
To me, what's more of a problem than him calling psychology "quackery" is...what it implies. If psychology is quackery, then how are you supposed to get help with mental health issues? Does he think mental health issues don't exist? Or that people should be able to "snap out of it" and are just being lazy or weak if they can't? If you get any whiff of that from him, someone needs to bust out that drawing of the dinosaur with the red flag.
@frigwiggin Is he willing to concede that anxiety and depression exist? Maybe ask him what solution he sees for these conditions. Perhaps gently confronting him with your inability to help yourself (We'd all like to get rid of our depression under our own will power but: depression. It's kind of why we can't do that.) will help him be more supportive and help you understand why he thinks psychology is "quackery". (I'm thinking he just assumes he doesn't know anyone with psychological/mental disorders.)
@frigwiggin - Again, sorry if that was harsh, but this is just really upsetting to me. I've lost so many friends over the years...In at least one case, a friend's parents didn't believe his pleas for help, and he pulled the trigger.
@frigwiggin Fuck those abelist assholes. Just going to leave it at that.
ETA: I was considering going back and taking the high road, but really, like @minijen points out above, depression, anxiety, etc. are real and they kill. I am all for being thoughtful about which schools of therapy suit you/your particular set of challenges and I certainly have my preferences, but to dismiss the whole field as 'quackery' I just cannot even begin to say how unquestioningly privileged that is. Therapy and the therapeutic method (journaling and all that jazz) can help a lot of people. Maybe these folks should be doing some introspection on why they feel so threatened that they have to belittle people who do seek help. Hmm.
@frigwiggin Oh, dear, I'm sorry. That was a horrible thing for him to say to you. I have no advice, but I just want to encourage you to take whatever steps you need to make yourself well, whether or not your boyfriend approves of your methods. I have to wonder what he thinks you SHOULD do about your anxiety/depression - or does he not believe you're suffering? Either way, I think he's being tremendously unfair. Please don't let what he's said/how he's acting keep you from taking the step(s) you need to.
@frigwiggin Step 1 is see a therapist anyway. It can be so good!
@minijen I don't think it was too harsh! I agree, very upsetting.
I think you should go see a therapist. They help a lot of people.
Love you a lot,
@frigwiggin That is really uncool of him and I'm sorry.
I have also recently started seeing a therapist, and it has been really helpful. I think you should do it, and if you can, identify a supportive friend or family member as a helper to assist you search for a therapist that takes your insurance or is in your price range, make appointments, or even just follow up with you to see how your search is going -- whatever sounds like it would work best for you or what you know is going to be the hardest to accomplish.
Also the hardest part about the therapist search is that the first one may not jibe with you. It sucks after putting in all that work to find them to not go back but it is worth it to find a therapist you like. Like I said, if you can engage a helper to do some of the work that is SO HARD when you are depressed, that may help.
@frigwiggin That is awful.
I can't help but think that such a sweepingly dismissive response must come from a personal bad experience with the field. Does he know someone who has been in therapy and felt harmed by it, or tried to get therapy himself without good results? The people I've met who talk this way are often coming from trauma, and it's true that our culture does sometimes hold up "therapy" as a panacea for what ails you, so people can come to it with a lot of faith and then get disappointed/hurt by the system. I believe it works, overall, but the truth is, as with everything on this earth, not everyone has good experiences. (I still definitely, definitely think you should go).
I don't think it's your responsibility to educate or counsel your boyfriend - it's his responsibility to support you emotionally with what you need - but maybe knowing where this attitude comes from might help you to understand what kind of conversations to have.
On the other hand, if he's just going off of some dumb study he read on the internet, he needs a damn good talking to.
@frigwiggin Oh, gosh. First off, I am very sorry about all of that (hugs!), and I know therapy was a huge factor in helping me out of my anxiety & depression, so I definitely think you should make moves toward seeing someone.
Second, in order to keep things from getting negative between you and your bf, I would ask him what he thinks is a good suggestion for trying to get healthy mentally if psychology is, in his opinion, nonsense. I mean, I obviously think he's wrong, but I'm curious what he would suggest you do. Because if he doesn't have a good answer, then say, "well, psychology has helped numerous people through mental illness, and so I think therapy is something I'd like to try."
@frigwiggin Email me? It's in the sidebar.
@frigwiggin - Lily Rowan is right, first practical step is get thee to a therapist. If you do want to have a conversation with him about the subject, I've found it helpful when trying to teach others about therapy that it's kind of like going to physical therapy. You go in, identify problems on the emotional/mental spectrum, and find ways to address and alleviate. Some of it is mental exercises (meditation, CBT, etc), some of it is lifestyle changes. You are learning skills to help you address legit physical, mental and emotional issues.
@frigwiggin I'm sorry that your boyfriend isn't being supportive. I really think you should go anyway. I recently started therapy myself and it's been very helpful, but it's also not that big a deal. You just go and talk to someone for an hour, they don't try to "shrink you" or make you hate your parents or dig up repressed memories unless you signed up for that. Maybe that idea is what your bf is reacting against?
Also, I dawdled for a long time trying to find a therapist, and that was dumb. Just go with the first one with availability who takes your insurance. If you decide you don't like them later at least you'll be able to get a recommendation.
@frigwiggin Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation! It can be hard enough to mobilize yourself to get out there and seek some help, you don't need the people you care about the most trying to invalidate you.
I had an ex who was a big naysayer when it came to being in therapy mainly because he had a really bad experience with counseling as a kid (it was part of his parents' separation & was suppose to help determine what type of custodial rights should be granted to each of his parents). He definitely felt like therapy/counseling was useless, self-indulgent, and for whiners who couldn't solve their own problems. In my experience, at least, he was totally wrong about that (and also pretty much everything else he had an opinion on.)
Stay the course. Do what's best for you. Give therapy and shot and, if it helps, let it keep helping. Maybe your dude will find the wherewithal to reevaluate his feelings on therapy if he sees it working for you (it's possible he's just never knowingly encountered one of the ZILLIONS OF PEOPLE for whom therapy has been a life changing/saving experience). If not? I'd lose him hard and fast.
@frigwiggin Oh, this is tough. Only you know if it's time to DTMFA, but in the meantime, can you treat the subject of therapy like religion? As in, this is something you believe in and that you want to explore, and he needs to be supportive and respectful because he supports and respects YOU, regardless of his own feelings on therapy?
@frigwiggin if I were you, I would go to therapy, and speak with your therapist about strategies for how to deal with your unsupportive boyfriend. I think a lot of people dismiss therapy/psychiatry without a good understanding of how it works, and your therapist can educate you on how to address that with him.
@frigwiggin Have an honest discussion about how horrible that makes you feel. And tell him to get on board - at least on the outside - or get out. Does he want you to get better? Does he even recognize your condition as a legit medical issue?
I'm more concerned about that last point - if he thinks that the treatment is quackery, what does he think of the ailment?
And obviously, see the therapist. I am currently searching for one myself, on the advice of my GP. She recommends therapy over medication in my particular case, though we are experimenting with a combination of the two right now.
Please take care of yourself. It is priority number one. That means surrounding yourself with people who want you to get better. I hope your boyfriend can realize how he's hurt you, and be more supportive in the future.
@frigwiggin Everyone has made very good points here. Also: would he prefer...that you DON'T get help? Does he want you to stay this way (unhappy)? That maybe is not a great sign.
@frigwiggin ugh. I find a lot of people think psychology means freudian dream interpretation and "repressed memories" and have no idea that it also includes cognitive behavioral therapy, coping strategies, and just communication/mindfulness strategies in general. I suspect he doesn't actually know what psychology is.
@frigwiggin Just to share an alternative experience to therapy, a few years ago when I was too under (and now un)insured to afford therapy and my depression became overwhelming I went to my GP as a last ditch effort and got medication that gave me back my life. It wasn't my first try on anti-depressants but it was the time that made the biggest difference. To be mad cliche, it was literally like when Dorothy opened the door to Oz and suddenly the world was in color for the first time.
I would love to go to therapy and learn better emotional coping techniques, but if it wasn't for the pills that lift some of the toxic cloud out of my brain I probably wouldn't be around any more to bother trying. There's a real goddamn chemical imbalance in depressed brains and the treatment isn't quackery whether it's SSRIs or talk therapy. Boo on your bf!
@frigwiggin Man. If *he* doesn't believe in therapy, then *he* doesn't have to go see one.
Also what everyone else said and best of luck.
1) You go get some therapy, lady! You do it! It's so good.
2) Your bf cares about you, so he will LOVE that you're feeling better when you're in therapy. Could take him a while to get around to admitting that the therapy helps you, if he's been socialized to think things like "emotional bootstraps!" and "never trust a doctor!" and "FEELINGS ARE FAKE!" But it will be hard, I think, for him not to be happy that you're happier.
3)If you're uncomfortable having a long talk with him because of weirdness re: quackery, then just cut it off at the knees when it shows up. "...quackery." "Wow. I'm going to therapy to get myself happier, which should be good for you too! I need you not to say disparaging things about therapy in the meantime." YOU DON'T OWE HIM AN EDUCATION ON THIS and YOU DON'T OWE HIM A LONG DISCUSSION if it's not what you're feeling up to.
4) If he chills out on this matter enough, consider inviting him to a session? Even just one joint-session so he can see that therapists are not, like, twirling their mustaches and literally cleaning out your pockets, but are professionals.
5) Use the Pin as a steadying presence in favor of therapy! YOU DO IT! ROCK ON!
@frigwiggin honey i'm so sorry. *internet hugs*
@frigwiggin Obstacles to getting help suck so much. It is thaaat much worse that yours is someone who loves you and (presumably) wants you to be happy and healthy. Please do move ahead with your plans and hopefully he will see the good it's doing for you. Depression and anxiety are the worst and you absolutely don't deserve to be stuck struggling with them because of someone else's opinions!!!
@frigwiggin :/ that sucks. Sometimes when I am depressed or read about others being depressed/stuck in bad behavior spirals I will admit that I will mentally yell at me/the other person to stop being weak - be strong and pull yourself out of it!! Snap into action! Noooowww! BUT I know that is the WRONG reaction. Sometimes it takes an intervention to pull you out of what's bothering you. If you don't put that burden of 'please help me now, I need help' on your therapist, you're going to wind up putting it on other people (like your boyfriend) and they might a) suck at giving help or b) feel overwhelmed by your need and back away slowly. If by some miracle you get c) someone who cares enough to sacrifice their time and effort pulling you out of the muck, you're damned lucky. But the thing is, that's what professionals are for. They are paid to invest time and effort into helping you difficult and taxing as it may be. I got a c) in my boyfriend but we broke up several times and went through a LOT of stress because of it and I wish I had put my burdens on someone else.
... I'm probably not helping much - just lots of sympathy.
@frigwiggin Go to a therapist. Relay how great and not quacky it is to boyfriend (I'm going to assume he's coming from a place of ignorance and not assholery here).
So I have a pretty heavy background in psychology, and I'm surprised how often this still comes up. The way I explain it to my class is that your brain is attached to the rest of your body (we forget that!) and things that go on inside your brain affect the entire rest of your body. If you had sore throat for two weeks, you'd go see a doctor, right? Because clearly that sore throat isn't going away on its own. Well if you're having anxious or depressed thoughts for an extended period of time, similarly, you should go see a thoughts doctor. It's really no different from that, and I don't know why people assume therapy is something it isn't all the time (i.e. some kind of BIG DEAL).
Also therapists are not just reserved for people in dire straights or anything - I saw one for a while when I had some family stuff I was trying to work through and really just needed an objective sounding board. It was tremendously helpful. Go do it! And if your bf is a good guy, he'll quickly understand (and see!) how and why it is helpful (and also not a big deal at all!!! I think everyone should see one at one time or another!!! I mean, the outcome can be a big deal, but the actual act of going to one is so not).
@Valley Girl Yeah, telling people to snap out of a chemical imbalance is in line with telling people they should just snap out of the flu. Or gonorrhea. It just doesn't work that way. I'm a huge proponent of biological (i.e. medicine) AND emotional therapy - so I hope you get to a point where you can utilize both as you'd like to do!
@HeyThatsMyBike Oh, the not a big deal part is so important! People always write into Carolyn Hax asking "does my problemrise to the level of needing therapy?" and I alwasys think, Do you have insurance and some time? Go to therapy! Why not?? (There are more barriers without insurance to cover it, obviously.)
@Lily Rowan Exactly! Therapy is awesome. Everyone should get some (assuming you have the means to pay for it/have it covered)!
And - pro tip - if there is a university near you with a clinical psych program, chances are you can go to see interns (graduate ones - like they've had at least 4-6 years of training already at this point) and post-docs and such at a reduced rate. I know that near me, they used a sliding scale at one such place, and saw students from my neighboring university that doesn't have a clinical psych program (and has a totally overwhelmed counseling center) for $15 a session. Always worth looking into if you are uninsured or your mental health coverage sucks on the insurance you do have.
@frigwiggin I'm so sorry and just have to reply tho I am so late! The first thing you have to do is get the care you need. It's going to be tough to do so without his support, but maybe you can find alternate forms of support to help you keep up with the process. What you're doing is hard and it's ok to tell him that his attitude is making it even harder. Keep us posted and take care!
just leaving this here for anyone who didn't see it in the other thread.
@iceberg AHAHAHAHAH this page cannot load fast enough.
@iceberg Holy shit that is awesome.
@iceberg Thank you thank you! That made my afternoon!!!
@iceberg Oh my god.
I really like the milk one.
@iceberg That is amazing.
I wish I could give you all the thumbs up. Please have this in the meantime.
@Prostitute Robot From The Future OMG how did you know?! OMG I am just leaving that browser window open forever.
@iceberg My life is now complete.
Omg, it's perfect!
@iceberg oh my god this is my new favorite tumblr
@iceberg Dear Lord, the Joseph Gordon Levitt one!
@Chareth Cutestory JGL is my FAAVE.
@iceberg Well that's it. The internet is over now. Nothing can best this, everyone go home.
Question: when trying to deal with a friend whose behavior is starting to drive you crazy, is it best to just disengage or to confront the person and hope that helps? We're talking a fundamental aspect of their personality here, not just "hey, why are you always chewing with your mouth open?". I think just putting distance between us is best. Wise Hairpin, share your knowledge on what to do with Self Absorbed or Tempermental people (I have one of each in my life right now-yippee).
@Beaker I tend to disengage in those situations.
Real Life Example time! I had a "friend" whose flaws - she was a social climber, she only selected friends she thought would benefit her/her career in some way, she spent a lot of time talking about how amazing/talented/beautiful she was - were just not going to go away or change after a lifetime of being coddled by her mother, and I didn't have time for that. We haven't talked in nearly 6 years and my life is the better for it.
@Beaker There's no cut-and-dry answer here, since every situation is different, but generally speaking I tend to err on the side of disengagement rather than confrontation. If the problem is, as you say, a fundamental part of their personality...are they likely to change at all, let alone quickly? I know I avoid confrontation more often than I should but in some situations it really is better and kinder just to leave things be and remove yourself from the situation.
@Jinxie You're right - it does depend. I sort of have to maintain a relationship with these people (they are fellow grad students and we were once really close - we share a circle of friends, etc). It's hard to cut them off entirely, but yeah, I don't think they're going to change. I guess my real issue is how to disengage without cutting someone off entirely
@stonefruit ugh, that sounds like the worst. I'm glad you're rid of that!
@Beaker In my experience, someone who is truly self absorbed wont immediately notice your absence, if you want the friendship to die away, that one is easy.
I don't know about someone who is Temperamental. In what way? Are you good enough friends (and are they stable enough) that you can say, "Hey it really bothers me when you react this way."
That being said, I am THE WORST at confrontation. So I can dish out advice all I want but when one friend (my roommate actually) was ignoring me and not inviting me to things, and then turning around and saying stuff like, "Oh you were there right? Why not? You were invited." (Obviously if I wasn't there I wasn't invited.) I just did nothing. If she didn't want to be friends with me I didn't want to force her. I was afraid of her saying nothing was wrong and then continue to (in my view) reject me.
@Beaker For that situation (I was once in a similar one), I'd suggest maybe only inviting them to events where there are more than 10 people/mutual friends. That way you're not dramatically cutting them off which might lead to a "whhhhy aren't we friends anymore" but you don't really have to spend real time with them beyond a "hey, how's it going!" I was lucky in that the particular person didn't even seem to notice, so he's never confronted me -- maybe if that happens just say you've been busy and absent yourself from the conversation?
Part two is that when you invite mutual friends to things, you make it clear that you want to spend quality time with them so they don't bring the downers along.
The other nice thing is once I cut down the time that I was around him I found him a lot more tolerable to be around when I saw him with mutual friends.
@cminor I think the self-absorbed one likes to take advantage that I listen. She'll tell me all about her problems because she knows I generally respond to it. I am trying to stop that though, so over time it should dwindle.
We should be able to have that conversation, but it's hard to phrase it in a way that doesn't sound mean or putting all the issues on her. What I would like to say is "Hey, I know you get stressed out about things, but sometimes you take it out on me, or ignore me when I'm around and you think someone more interesting is present. It makes me feel like we're not equals and so I've started hedging my bets and not initiating contact with you." But I feel like that comes off as: YOU ARE NUTS SOMETIMES, SEND HELP.
Also, I started making actual use of the page on Facebook where I've lazily been posting art for the last year or two. I have so many wants to make all of my living by selling my art but I've always been so bad about pushing myself on other people. Last month I was just like, screw it, treat this like a job and it will become your job.
And it's working now! And people have bought my art from me!!! I mean, I've sold stuff before but it's either been commissioned work or smaller drawings! People are buying my larger drawings now!! I'm so excited for myself!!
@Mandalas This may sound kind of schmaltzy, but whatever, I'm saying it sincerely: This is so inspirational! Congratulations on your success!
@yeah-elle I appreciate all of the congrats!
@Mandalas That's like a dream come true for me, so many many congrats from me! I'm always making little art pieces and doodles and have fantasized about selling them one day - maybe one day I will! (I want to see your art now but u totally don't have to post a link or anything :) )
@rimy Sure, here's a link to the Facebook page (assuming I post the link correctly).
@Mandalas Those are beautiful! Thanks for sharing :)
Is anyone else a little bit obsessed with "Arrow"? I was hesitant going in because it's on the CW which isn't known for being the best network but now I'm immensely enjoying it from week to week. There's just something about it that I find captivating.
I could watch Stephen Amell working out every day. And Felicity! I love her too much for words (and don't care for Laurel, as much as I try to).
@Helvetica It is so weird to me that Green Arrow got a damn TV show.
@Helvetica I am definitely into Arrow (and I laugh at myself for it, because it's kind of a silly show), but yeah...I like it a lot! Also, if you can, io9.com does a fantastic, and usually hilarious, recap of it the next day. It makes me giggle every time.
Also, ditto to just watching Stephen Amell work out every day. I am happy with the gratuitousness of his workouts.
@RubeksCube Haha, I just read their recap and you're right, it was immensely fun.
For all I care, Stephen could just work out the entire episode and I would be blissfully happy.
@Helvetica Someone should make a montage of those scenes. You know, for the good of humanity...
Thank so much to everyone who gave me suggestions for subverting the sad lunch desk situation! This week I got really into "farmer's lunches", but am going to try out some of your tips next week.
In general, I'm trying to step up my work life game. In addition to packing better lunches, I'm trying to dress a little less like Juliana Hatfield playing a homeless teenage ghost on My So-Called Life and a little more like an actual salaried human being. Any suggestions for places to pick up good work basics? I am particularly in need of tops (which I am very fussy about) -- preferably neutral colors with 3/4-length sleeves. I can't really do button-ups because no matter what they always gap awkwardly. I work at a museum and people here have no problem with me dressing a little weird (at least I wear shoes, unlike some of our curators), so I am also taking your suggestions for skirts with bold prints and funky jewelry.
@lookuplookup - For tops, I general head out to the outlets for LOFT, J. Crew, Banana Republic, all of those places. I've had some decent luck (but it can be hit or miss) finding stuff at Ross, TJ Maxx, Marshall's, etc. If you are chested in such a way that button downs always gap, look for a cami-bra. It's cooler and fits more smoothly than a full camisole. You can wear it under v-necks, wrap style shirts and dresses and occasionally can even make a button down work.
@lookuplookup If it's OK for you to wear plain color T-shirts at work (like that they don't have to be "blouses") I recommend American Apparel. I truly hate American Apparel and what it stands for, but they seriously have the best T-shirts ever. I have two plain-color long sleeved t-shirts from there which are by far my most worn t-shirts and are still in fantastic condition after 2 years of incessant wearing. My workplace isn't especially formal and I typically wear a plain color T-shirt or sweater and a skirt to work. Banana Republic and Ann Taylor outlets are also great bets I think.
@lookuplookup Try looking at Kohls! That's usually one of my first stops for work clothes. They have a decent amount of basics, plus they have frequent sales!
@lookuplookup Forever 21 is killing it now. It's not an ideal store, obviously, but I was dragged in recently and, if my job included heat, I could totally see myself doing a new, interesting work wardrobe from the stuff I saw.
@lookuplookup If you don't mind the awful ethics (I have this debate every time I shop... cheaper clothes, supporting terrible companies... ugh) Forever 21 has a new Basics line with these great jackets. A good way to make a basic outfit a little nicer is to add a fitted solid jacket/blazery thing (Manhattan jackets?), over a tee and a funky printed skirt.
@lookuplookup Target has surprisingly amazing work basics! 98% of my work wardrobe is from there. The key is that you cannot tell what it will look like until you put it on. What I do is go up and down the aisles and grab everything that looks semi decent in 3 sizes. Then try them all on and you should come up with a solid weeks worth of work clothes. They also have skinny belts in the accessories section that work great around the waist of a dress. I wouldn't do blazers/suit jackets from there (I got mine from Zara,which also has great work stuff it's just less affordable) or pencil skirts (I got nice ones at Banana Republic in 09) but Target is good for dresses, blouses and cardigans.
@lookuplookup Yes to all of these! All great suggestions! As a general rule, don't ever buy anything at Banana Republic if it isn't at least somewhat discounted. They have a sale like every day, so if whatever you like isn't on sale that week, it probably will be the next week (and sign up for their emails - you'll get coupons for full-priced merch even if what you like doesn't go on sale). Same goes for Kohl's, of course!
I'm a bit of a bargain hunter, and I also highly recommend the new Joe Fresh collection at jcp of all places. Really cute basics that are extremely inexpensive. I bought a cute spring cardigan from it the other day. Lots of fun prints, which you mentioned liking, too.
Also H&M is great if there is one near you - and they have a new thing where you can get a 15% off coupon if you bring in a bag of clothing (from anywhere - in any condition) to donate. They've also got that new "Conscious Collection" of more sustainable fabrics if that is something that interests you.
As for the funky jewelry - all of the places people mention actually have great jewelry sections (F21 and Kohl's are personal faves), but also check out Charming Charlie, Francesca's, Urban Outfitters, and Jane Marie's secret jewelry treasure trove, Chico's!
@lookuplookup I just discovered Joe Fresh and I am OBSESSSSSSSED. OBSESSED I SAY. Pretty much all of their stuff is awesome, and it's inexpensive too ($30 for a one-piece bathing suit???)
I saw Emmylou Harris on Wednesday night and SHE IS AMAZING. I want to be her best friend and also go on tour with her and listen to her sing all the songs.
@dj pomegranate Did she do "Two More Bottles of Wine"? Tell us everything.
@dj pomegranate I always confuse her songs with Maria Muldaur's. Is that fair or unfair?
@Nicole Cliffe No! But she did my personal favorite, "Tragedy," and a bunch from her new album with Rodney Crowell, which you should all listen to immediately. She also made everyone in the world cry by singing "Back When We Were Beautiful."
@dj pomegranate I am so, so, so jealous. Emmylou. <3
Today at work, we had a breakfast-themed potluck and I made 2 pans of a dozen cinnamon rolls--one was plain, and the other was rolled up with bacon in the sugar mixture (accompanied by a maple cream cheese glaze). Because attendance was so low today (holiday weekend-ish), I've got about 8 plain and 4 baconies left to bring home. Yesssssss.
Related: I bought a waist cincher to wear under my wedding dress & I've got mixed feelings about it.
I am doing a three-day hippie-yoga-visualizations ski clinic this weekend with the RAD Kristen Ulmer (which I bought two years ago, and found out I was pregnant three days before it started, hence the delay), and my last ski clinic was three years ago and I broke my leg instantly, so, um, here's hoping I do not break anything or find out I am pregnant?
@Nicole Cliffe That sounds awesome except for the skiing part! And I say that only because I've never gone skiing and I'm a little afraid of it. Have fun and don't break anything.
@Nicole Cliffe Wow, how late does the ski season go in Utah? That sounds fun! Don't break any of your parts!
@Nicole Cliffe Do you visualize not being terrified of flying off a mountain? Cuz I could use some of that shit.
@Nicole Cliffe Have fun! Super jelly!
Joyeuses Pâques, mes amies!
@gobblegirl Veselé Velikonoce to you too!
@gobblegirl & Countess Maritza Happy Easter! I'm petsitting a friend's rabbit this weekend, I have my own Easter Bunny! :-)
Guys! Meeting boyfriend's family this weekend.
one, WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO MEET YOUR BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY?
two, tell me horror stories about meeting your bf's families so i will feel less crazy?
@pterodactylish What's the weather like? Jeans + cardigan. Like work-casual lite might be a nice safe pick.
@adorable-eggplant it is COLD. but also easter. i wish it were spring dress weather. i am a pro at sundresses. winter clothes, not so much.
@pterodactylish Depends on where you're meeting them, but a safe bet is a really cute (flowy, not tight) skirt or dress with a cardigan or blouse or blazer. And tights with boots if it's cold!
For things not to wear, see me at age 17, when I met my then-boyfriend, now-husband's parents. Chuck Taylors, torn jeans, and some emo band t-shirt. Ah, high school. Luckily they loved me despite my angsty fashion sense.
@pterodactylish Maybe cardigan + easter-y skirt + tights? I'm officially out of my depth on giving fashion advice.
@pterodactylish Clean hair and blush. "Oh, she's so pretty & not corpsey-looking!"
@pterodactylish Oh, god. I met my boyfriend's parents just days before having a colposcopy to figure out what was going on with the irregular cell cluster on my cervix and BOY DID THAT SUCK. In addition to being all wigged out about my stupid body, I was terrified of meeting his parents who are so old, rich, and white that they think I'm "ethnic" for being a third-generation Italian American and kept talking about "how really, really amazing" it was that I was able "to pursue an education beyond high school."
@pterodactylish On one early visit to their house, I clogged a toilet. One time I also blew a fuse with a hairdryer. Clearly I have problems with bathrooms.
You're gonna be fine!!!
1. This depends a lot on what your boyfriend's family is like, and also on you! (Sorry, that is really unhelpful.) In general, I would tend toward the classy/conservative side of things, particularly for a more traditional/conservative family, but you're absolutely not required to abandon all sense of your personal style and dress like a church matron.
2. A. Be confident! Your boyfriend likes you a lot for who you are. You have a lot of credit with the family already for that (or should, anyway, if they are decent people).
B. If you are naturally on the shy side (e.g. me), have a chat with your boyfriend beforehand. Ask him to take the lead somewhat in the interactions, and work together to identify some common ground and/or some nicely non-controversial topics to discuss.
@lookuplookup NOOOOOO! REally? i just can't.
@blueblazes Yeah I read the high school part and looked like this o.O and then couldn't even think of how to respond. Speaking of tiny elite cocoons, have y'all read this: http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2013/03/29/33188/
@pterodactylish I'M ALSO MEETING MY BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY! I'm wearing a green casual dress, tights and flats. Don't be nervous! If it goes horribly we can come back next week and commiserate together!
@pterodactylish not a "first meeting" of the parents, but once when I was visiting my hs boyfriend (who had moved several states away), his parents dachshunds took used tampons (mine, obviously) out of the trash and decided to ROLL ON THEM on the ANTIQUE PERSIAN RUG. Just so many levels of embarrassed. made a stellar impression, I'm sure.
@blueblazes Yeah, I really couldn't either. I've been with this guy for over a year & have only managed to be in the same room with his parents twice. They are basically the Howells from Gilligan's Island.
@pterodactylish I met my boyfriend's dad when he was dropping some things off at bf's apartment. Bf's dad proceeded to draw a dick in the dust on the television. Considering how softspoken and polite my own father is, I was rather taken aback.
As long as you look presentable and are polite I'm sure it'll go just fine!
@pterodactylish The first time I went to my boyfriend's for Christmas (I'd met his parents before, but this was in the first year of our relationship) we dashed downstairs quickly after having sex so we didn't miss the Doctor Who Christmas special. I had been in a hurry making myself look presentable, and my dress was tucked into my tights at the back. His brother kindly pointed it out.
Oh, my boyfriend has also just said that I should share this anecdote: his dad's brother and sister-in-law didn't meet my boyfriend's mum until six months into his parents' relationship, as they were "in mourning" for his first marriage. When they eventually met, at Christmas, his mum was so nervous that she got very drunk, and her partner's sister-in-law ended up having to hold her hair back as she vomited in the toilet.
@Verity In regard to your second anecdote: this is the only way to welcome new people to the family.
@pterodactylish My boyfriend's (large, hairy) dad was sitting in his chair in nothing but cotton short-shorts when I met him. My mental image from our first meeting is of his man-boobs.
@4and20blkbirds it's a DICK IN THE DUST
a dick in the dust, girl
(sung by justin timberlake and andy samberg)
This is probably a very long shot, since most people do not remember the names of hotels they've stayed in, but does anyone have any recommendations for places to stay in Barcelona and Florence?
My husband and I are finally taking our honeymoon (2 years late) this summer to those cities, and so we are looking for hotels that are around (or less than) $100 per night, but at the same time, we want honeymoon-worthy hotels. Not like a hostel or some hole-in-the-wall with bedbugs, but not necessarily the swankiest, fanciest thing either.
Or, if you've never been to either of those places, then I'd love some suggestions on websites that are really helpful in finding good, international hotels. Thank you!!
@olivebee I was about to say Airbnb, but then I realized honeymoon/sexytimes. Anyone have experience trying to get biz-zay in their borrowed Airbnb digs? Does the site have best-practice policies about that?
I went to Barcelona for college study-abroad and we stayed here the first few days of the program: http://www.hotel-rialto.com/en/habitaciones/
Can't imagine the school spent a butt-ton of money putting all 15 of us up for 3 nights, but the accommodations were very swanky-feeling, and it couldn't possibly be closer to all the action.
@olivebee I had a very happy happy stay at the Hotel Cestelli in Florence a couple years ago. Romantic and special-feeling, five minutes from the Uffizi, and about $80 a night. Have a great trip!
@nic'kalmus@twitter I stayed in an Airbnb in Barcelona, and while we had a good experience overall, the apartment was a low point. It was very clearly owned and operated by real estate agents, and no one actually lived there, so there were all these minor problems with the apartment (no salt, all the knives were dull, a single towel in the whole place). I think that might be a thing now in very touristy cities? So maybe be careful before you use the service there.
@olivebee Ahh, I did Florence on the cheap so I can only recommend hostels. Clean and safe, but definitely not honeymoon material.
Florence is AH-MAH-ZING. You are going to have such a great time!
@olivebee My sister & I used Feelbarcelona.com to book & had a great experience. There are a ton of apartments to choose from. We stayed here, to be specific. We loved being a little off the beaten path & having a place to settle into with a kitchen & plenty of space. Ours was like $65 a night, which was amazing. Have so much fun! Sagrada Familia is probably my favorite place on the planet (thus far).
Okay, update on the jalapeno-flavored pretzel bits. The big Walgreens is no longer ordering them and the bag I bought was from the last shipment. But I talked to an employee named Tanya and she is going to bring up with her manager that they are best snacks ever and that they must be made available for purchase again. Thanks, Tanya!
While I was waiting for my new bestie Tanya to figure out the pretzel sich, I read the Town & Country profile of Allison Williams. Aah what is with her eyes in that cover photo?? (I will not post the picture here, too scary.)
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I'm mesmerized by her blouse thing. It looks like the top of an 80's prom dress.
I hate/love it and I want to own/wear it.
@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Having food delivered to me by UPS is something I have not yet done. But, for these pretzel bits, I may cross that bridge.
After almost 2 weeks of pain and multiple bitchy phone calls, I finally had my iud, which had slipped out of place, removed on Wednesday.
THE BEST PART: it wasn't simply out of place, it was embedded in my utero-cervical area, and took several pieces of me with it when they were finally able to get it out.
Now I am without birth control because hormonal birth control don't get along at all. My midwife jokingly suggested "pull and pray". Then she giggled. And left the room without any better ideas.
It's been a shitty week.
@noodge Condoms, right? I mean, that's probably better than nothing. And wow, that sounds like a really tough situation all around. Hugs.
@adorable-eggplant After your internal wounds heal can you do spermicide + pull&pray?
@adorable-eggplant hahahaha, ah, that's funny. I mean, isn't that the number one reason people get married? so they don't need to use condoms anymore? hahaha. ha. heh. hm. :-/
@cminor have been considering that. anyone have any experience with a diaphragm?
@noodge Cervical cap. They're not common these days but I think PP still does them.
@noodge This is the most irresponsible advice in the world, but my husband and I used pull-and-pray for a year. It worked like magic.
Science kinda backs me up on this (PDF) ... but you've got to be perfect at it. And maybe have some Plan B on hand.
@TheBelleWitch I would not give this advice to anyone. But I often employ the pull and pray (I keep track of my likely fertile days and avoid them) and am still not pregnant.
As previously explored: I am a big old hussy.
@TheBelleWitch Thank you so much for the PDF! I read the whole thing. I definitely do that too. :/
@noodge TODAY SPONGE. I am evangelical on this subject. It is the best way to go if you don't want to do hormones or condoms.
@noodge I literally made :OOOOO face for 30 seconds when I read the sentence about your UID shoved up in your nether-regions. I am so sorry, that sounds awful.
@cminor Ha, I didn't even take the avoiding-fertile-days precautions. We are both terrible role models, etc. I think it has a lot to do with partner's trustworthiness, plus your own ability not to convince yourself you're pregnant every month because of your dreadful irresponsibility and so forth.
@noodge I'm pretty sure they make spermicide that you don't need a diaphragm for, although it's tricky to find. I used to order it online. That is, unless I was misreading everything I was actually supposed to have a diaphragm with it.
@TheBelleWitch It definitely helps a lot that I have a very regular period cycle so I know when to be extra careful. Also, communication and partner trust is key.
But yeah, I'm a terrible role model. Haha. I would not recommend following my example, and I do intend to pursue getting an IUD.
@cminor My mother pretty much out of the blue told me that pull and pray is the only birth control her and my father have used in their 45 year marriage. They also have four kids. She insists we were all intentional, but I am not convinced, and also really wish she hadn't felt the need to tell me anything at all about their sex strategies.
@noodge I was in this boat last year. My IUD was fucking MISERABLE and getting it out finally made me feel like a sane human being again. I've been doing pull out/rhythm method with spermacide here and there if I'm ovulating but I'm also probably infertile. My doc also refused to give me a diaphragm because it's "retro".
@PomoFrannyGlass Where do you get yours? I haven't seen them in a pharmacy in YEARS.
@parallel-lines Hmm, they are in most pharmacies in NYC, but I know you can also order them online (which would also be cheaper, the only drawback is they are kind of expensive).
Yes! DIAPHRAGM. Very easy to use, much more pleasant than condoms, pretty foolproof.
You just have to get measured for one so that it's the right size -- ladies who've given birth usually need a larger one. Works like a charm. It's what my GP gave me when we found out I shouldn't be on regular birth control, and I can't figure out why they are apparently so rare to come by nowadays. Maybe because some of the old kinds had a string hanging down like a tampon which could give you UTIs. But the modern kind don't have a string -- it's rather like what the diva cup sounds like, instead -- and there's no problem at all with UTIs. Actually, the real reason is probably just that you pay once for the diaphragm and then you're good to go for years and years -- perhaps buy some spermicide from time to time, but otherwise don't have to pay any more money to the pharmaceutical complex -- unlike IUDS, condoms, and the pill.
@noodge I've had the Billings Method recommended. It's all in a book just called The Billings Method. No hormones or barriers required, but you have to track everything like crazy and be meticulous.
hi i have a 3ds xl now so lets be friends with friend codes or w/e
I FOUND OUT MY FAV BAND WONT PLAY IN BOSOTN ANYMORE BC THE LAST TIME THEY WERE HERE PPL WERE REALLY MEAN TO THEM????
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Did you see this?
@PomoFrannyGlass do you see why i hate boston so?
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Oh I am from the Boston burbs and lived in Brighton/Cambridge for 3 years after college. I have a total love/hate thing with it (it seems so charming and chill from Brooklyn! But then I visit and I'm like, oh, right. Also boring and depressing.) Too many good things about Boston have died recently, though. The Phoenix closing was the worst - I was an intern there many moons ago.
@PomoFrannyGlass YES everything that is worth staying for and believing in is dying or dead and its expensive as hell to live here anyway.
I totally forgot how being in love makes you neglect ever single thing ever that is important in your life! holy shit my house is a mess and I haven't had underpants for days and my cat hates me but I don't currrrrr
@christonacracker Being in love is better than underpants!
@gobblegirl most things are better than underpants, truth
@gobblegirl Being in love makes underwear a moot point!
@christonacracker ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WE ARE MARRIED GODSDAMMIT
@par_parenthese noooo just emotionally (never)
@par_parenthese I luv you bb
@christonacracker You know, I think it's fine? I mean, who says we can't add a human to our feline-punctuation-rainbowbright marriage?
After a couple weeks of coming to FOT to whine I am coming to brag: This week, I got a freelance gig that I was DYING for (think ghostwriting but not really and on a way more exciting concept than Sweet Valley High, sorry SVH and its writers!) and had drinks with a dude who wants to have drinks again next week but I can't really tell if he's interested or if we're just becoming friends.
@PomoFrannyGlass Either way (interested vs friends) sounds like a WIN to me!
DC Hairpin Contingent: Can you recommend an apartment building that is (1) Quiet (2) Cat-friendly (3)Bug-free (4)Not run by terrible people?
@Vicky Hm. Those one are usually stupid expensive. I've settled for 1, 2, and 3. I can deal with terrible landlord when the rest is ok. Good luck!
@Vicky Hmmmm. My apartment is generally quiet, bug-free, and run by... well, not great but not aggressively evil people. Alas, no kitties :(
I had a great apartment near H Street/blocks from Union Station that was pet friendly and cheap (by DC standards). http://www.capitaleastapartments.com -- it is NOT SWANKY. the website is a LIE. but it is a decent apartment!
@allofthewine Also, they own a few other buildings in the area so if they don't have availability, keep asking.
Does anyone have much experience with Amsterdam? I'll be there in a couple of months, and I'd like to use some of my hotel points to stay a few nights at the DoubleTree, but it's right next to the central train station. Is that an ok area? Safe/walking distance to things? The area looks rather industrial/not pretty on Google Maps, but it would be free, which is always nice.
Also, general tips on Amsterdam and the Netherlands are much appreciated!
@KatieBarTheDoor Free is good, but you could stand to wander in a ways from the train station. That way you could stay somewhere on a canal/closer to the museums and such.
Amsterdam is great! Go to the flower market, and the Van Gogh museum (my boyfriend said he did this high and very much recommends it; I was with my 12 year-old sister and definitely NOT high and also enjoyed it a lot). Visit Anne Frank's house if you're a history buff (get there early). Renting bikes is fun and sort of terrifying (almost got hit by a tram, so don't do that). Foodwise, get some stroopwafel for dessert. We also had delicious Indonesian food (since it was a former colony), and if you wander away from the main streets, you can find some local spots to enjoy.
Have a great trip!
I live in the Netherlands!
Wow, that hotel looks swanky. I guess I haven't been in the area in a while, because I don't recognise the building. Amsterdam is a fairly safe place to wander around, though. I like the Zeedijk area for all the Asian restaurants and the Negen Straatjes for shopping.
Oh, and definitely try Indonesian food yes :) And pancakes (pannenkoeken) for dinner.
@KatieBarTheDoor @Beaker I remember being right around there (recently) during the early morning to catch a train, and I have zero memories of it feeling sketchy (this coming from someone who was 21 and female and doing a lot of solo travel at the time).
Also, @Beaker is right. DEAR GOD you are taking your LIFE INTO YOUR HANDS renting a bike there. When you're a pedestrian, everyone whizzing along on bikes looks so peaceful, but when you join the hordes, WATCH OUT. (But it was super fun anyway.)
@KatieBarTheDoor When my bestie and I did our ten year friend-iversary trip to Amsterdam, we ate here and loved it
@loren smith I second the recommendation for Bazar! Delicious.
@KatieBarTheDoor My favorite Amsterdam restaurant is called Wilde Zwijnen. It is in a hip,non-touristy neighborhood and a good place to eat actual Dutch ingredients and be around actual Dutch people. (Both are pretty hard to find in the center of the city, in my experience.)
Has anyone been to Puerto Rico? I am thinking about going there in June because you can fly there really cheap on Southwest. They fly into San Juan so I would probably want to be there.
I basically want to sit on the beach and do absolutely NOTHING but read, do crossword puzzles, be alone, and have a really relaxing time, for maybe like 4-6 days. So suggestions of other destinations to go would be welcome too. I don't need anything fancy but I don't need it to be adventurously cheap, just pretty cheap to fly there.
@Ellie I was just in San Juan! It was great. You can totally just sit on the beach, but seriously, do some cultural stuff, too? At least go walk around El Morro and the Old City one day.
@Lily Rowan Thanks! Yeah museums and old buildings are my favorite thing ever so I don't think I would end up not doing any cultural things even if I tried. It's just that all the other places I've been I can't help treating like academic quests and trying to speak the languages etc. so I really want to do something that is more like an actual vacation.
GAME OF THRONES GAME OF THRONES GAME OF THRONES
Also, I had a half day at work, so I'm about to eat falafel and start drinking.
@meetapossum SO EXCITED FOR THIS SEASON! So much shit goes down in that book, and I can't wait to see how they adapt it for HBO.
@meetapossum - I just posted this to my FB page. If you're a watcher, and not a reader, no worries, it was just entertaining.
Just in case anyone hasn't read Emily Nussbaum's review:
The last paragraph is astonishing.
I'm both a reader and a watcher! I love that song, and I like the "Write Like the Wind" song after ADWD came out.
I'm also going to go to the GoT exhibition next week so I can see how tiny everyone is and sit in the Iron Throne.
@meetapossum It premieres on my birthday! BEST PRESENT EVER.
@meetapossum SO EXCITED. Also, I am making dragon eggs. Yes I am. But they will not be made in time for the premiere, which kind of makes me sad, but ah well. They're still fucking DRAGON EGGS.
GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE!
The partners at the firm I work with are all off at a retreat, so I got tipsy on my lunch break and now, whoops, it's almost 4, how did that happen?
...also my new-ish boyfriend of four months is inviting his ex, who just broke up with her fiancee, to move in with him & his roommate when their third roommate moves out this summer.
To what degree do I need to be cool with this? Because my rational self says "whatevs, man" and my tipsy emotional self says "PANIC."
@Roxanne Rholes you do not need to be cool with that AT ALL (unless she is an ex from when he was 13 or something)
@Roxanne Rholes Blegh. How long have they been exes? How serious was the relationship? I always try to be Cool Girl but I don't know about that one.
@Roxanne Rholes You have full permission from this 'pinner to not be "cool" about that at all. How about how this is not "cool" of your boyfriend to do in the first place?
@supernintendochalmers I'm not sure how long, or how serious. He has told me previously that most of his relationships have not lasted very long, but also that they are really good friends. I've met her once, and he is always like "oh man, this lady is so great." Which I totally understand, because I am friends with my ex (of four years, and okay maybe it's partially because he has been storing my motorcycle in his garage for the winter, but whatever.) Also she has a pretty serious incurable illness? I don't know if that matters but it somehow makes me feel like I am being...unfair, in my nervousness?
@Roxanne Rholes I second supernintendochalmers' questions. Unless the answers are "very long" and "very casual," though, this doesn't pass the sniff test for me. Things can get very weird very fast with exes all up in your space (especially an ex who "just broke up with her fiancee").
Right? Okay, thank you. Thank you for making me feel less crazy.
Everyone just keep saying these things, so that at some point when I finally snap and speak up, I can say, "see? My internet friends back me up!" Haha.
I don't know, I feel like I am generally pretty understanding about shit like this but...moving in together? I get that you want to help someone who's in a really tough space, but...this is Boston! There are a million apartments open at any given time. Also, when I told him that a friend of mine was looking for a place to live and could maybe team up with this girl in looking for a place, boyfriend was pretty much just like "oh, no, that probably won't work." Uuugh.
@Roxanne Rholes We need that red flag t-rex up in here!
@franceschances I'm on it!
:> = P
(Red flag t-rex emoji. The equal sign is the little arms.)
@adorable-eggplant Haha, thanks, guys. Feeling a little less crazy. Now I just need to figure out how to say this to him!
@Roxanne Rholes Honey, you need to be exactly zero percent cool with this. This is not a cool situation AT ALL. The newness of your relationship does make matters awkward - you're probably not at the "it's her or me" ultimatum stage, but you can be like "yo I am UNDERSTANDABLY and QUITE REASONABLY NOT COOL WITH THIS" and it's his job to either not do it or to MAKE it cool by for example spending time with you with her so she fully understands he is with you now etc etc.
@iceberg Y'all! I just wanted to let you know that I ended up calling this guy yesterday. He's been out of town for two weeks and I wanted to get the conversation over with before picking him up at the airport last night. I told him that I totally dig that he is wanting to help someone who is in a tough place, but that if they ended up living together this summer, that may or may not be something I could handle, and that a lot of women would see this as a red flag, and some women would just get the hell out of Dodge ASAP. He said that it doesn't look like it would happen anyway, but also that he wouldn't do it if I didn't like the idea. So, hooray! Thank you guys so much for assuring me I'm not crazy, I'm so happy to have the conversation be done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
(Then I picked him up at the airport and we got, ahem, reacquainted all night, and now I am extremely sleepy. Also, he shaved his beard off, and I hate it, but I'm not going to push it right now. FACIAL HAIR FOREVER!)
Cat owners, my kitty has decided to chew off all her fur. I think it's dry skin or allergies rather than anxiety because she does it sort of frantically and even while she's purring in my lap. I am going to switch her back to the natural litter in case that's the culprit (they ran out of my old kind last month), but what if it's just dry skin? She already gets expensive stinky canned food.
@christonacracker I had a cat that would lose fur when she had fleas.
@christonacracker It could be inflammation of some kind. My poor baby is inflammatory in all sorts of places (mainly her gums, so we had to remove all of her teeth), and now she has started scratching behind her ear till it bleeds. I took her to the shelter at which I volunteer, since I can't afford regular vet trips, and they said inflammation is probably the cause of all of her ailments. The best remedy for that is steroid shots. They're not too expensive, and the cat only has to get them maybe twice a year. I would definitely ask a vet first, though, since chewing/licking hair off is most often a sign of anxiety.
@Mandalas No fleas, I've inspected her thoroughly.
@olivebee thanks! vet is coming over on saturday, but I have the feeling it's going to be a vague answer.
@christonacracker My poor baby was like this too. He bit and scratched himself raw sometimes :( With him it turned out to be a LOT of allergies, which we weren't expecting, because nothing about the environment/diet had changed. He had to get steroid shots every 6-8 weeks on and off for the rest of his life.
@christonacracker My parents cat started doing this after a midly traumatic incident and she had to go on kitty prozac for about 8 weeks until she was no longer compulsive about it. It could have started as anxiety and now just moved to a compulsion, so that might be an answer. We tried a cone before drugs but she just chewed the cone off, so kitty prozac might be the answer. Good luck and I hope she feels better!
@christonacracker OH HI. I was just talking about my neurotic, fur-chewing cat on the Hairpin earlier. He also does it when very calm (the vet says he has OCD). Talk to the vet if the litter change doesn't help. Chances are the vet will assume allergies at first (and give you steroids to give for a month or so). If that doesn't work, it could be OCD or general anxiety, and the vet will probably give you kitty Prozac. Good luck!
@christonacracker My cat is doing that too. She doesn't have fleas, and it's something that happens to her quite a lot (she gets bald patches), but this is worse than usual; she has bleeding scabs and keeps licking them. We tried medical grade manuka honey ointment, but it's probably bad enough that she needs to go to the vet (although if it's stress, that'll make things worse - she hates it. And when she's gone before for this, they just give her steroids that make her fat and grumpy.) Anxious cats are hard work.
This is a public service announcement! This weekend, consider watching some games and thrones that are not Game of Thrones:
Netflix Instant is gonna have alllll of Adventure Time, apparently!
@yeah-elle OMG REALLY FUCK THERE GOES MY WEEKEND.
@Wombatina SNOW GOLEM SNOW GOLEM SNOW GOLEM I'm just gonna make snow golem noises all weekend in anticipation!
@Wombatina ugh well also rumor has it, it might just be season 1? BUT STILL.
@yeah-elle FUCK YEAH I'mma force my brother to watch it all.
@yeah-elle Is it the same people who do Super Jail because I fucking love me some Super Jail.
@yeah-elle Oooh good I need something to entertain me while I pack.
@yeah-elle YES! This just made my day
@yeah-elle Oooooooh nooooo! I have no excuse to not watch anymooooorreee! *Enters Netflix time warp*
@yeah-elle WHAAAAAT OH MAN.
I'm not usually an open threader (and I'm using a diff account than my usual because...paranoia i guess? i don't know) so I hope this isn't poor form busting in here seeking insight, but I'm interested in the Pinners' thoughts/experience into something I'm deliberating right now. Ya know, if anyone has any insights they'd like to share with a stranger.
I'm struggling with whether it's time to move in with my boyfriend of 4 years. We've chosen not to so far. We live 1 block apart, and I live alone and he lives with his 10-year-old daughter who he has 50% of the week (Wed - Sat). Long story short, I like having my own space (i'm 35 and have never lived w/ a boyfriend), and he's come to like having his too, though I think he's a bit more comfortable with the idea of co-habitating than I am (he did it for a decade with the mother of his kid). We've both enjoyed having our own spaces so close to each other for these years. I also don't want kids of my own and never imagined I'd be in love with someone who has one. It just didn't occur to me. I know that sounds silly.
Sometimes we loosely flirt with the idea of moving in together. Getting to the point...aside from the usual things to consider when shacking up, I have a hard time figuring out how to wrap my head around what it means to be living with a partner's kid. To be clear, she and I get along great and she's an awesome kid. But how do I fit into that? They are a unit, and here I come, this outside person with feelings and opinions and quirks of her own, all up in their space. How do we figure out my role? Am I a parent? I don't feel like a step-mom. What does it mean to be living with a kid who you aren't exactly a step-mom to? Or am I step-mom by virtue of living there? What is a step-mom anyway? What is my role? How does it work?
I'm so confused. This probably sounds absurd and it's kind of embarrassing. Anyone else have experience with this and want to share thoughts?
Wow, thanks for reading my personal novel. Brevity is not my strong suit.
@thismachine I really have not dealt with kids in the mix at all, but it really sounds like considering your role as a live-in ladyfriend is sort of secondary to the bigger consideration of what your role is in this small person's life overall. You don't mention whether you have made or intend to make a permanent commitment to your dude -- and while that isn't a requirement to get involved in the life of a kid, it doesn't sound like you are totally on board with having a role at all. I don't know, you seem to be happy with the present situation, and unless you really WANT to take on a bigger role in the kid's life, I don't really see why you should take on that responsbility unless you know this is a permanent committment. But I'm pretty naive when it comes to kid stuff.
@thismachine I don't have experience with kids, but I would guess that by moving in you are going to play some significant role in this girl's life. She may not expect you to be her mother, but you won't be "an outside person" disrupting their "unit" as you wrote. I would assume the motivation for moving in together at all is to show a new level of commitment and making a new unit of the three of you. So you should be prepared to be there for the girl for emotional support and to help with duties (like picking her up or helping her with homework or whatever)
@thismachine Ugh I wrote a long comment and then my browser crashed boooooo. Factors to consider: your desires as far as level of involvement in child's life, your Dudes expectations of level of involvement in child's life, likelihood of child's mother getting possessive/upset re said level of involvement, Dude and child's-mothers parenting style/s, the degree to which you get on with child. I personally don't think that simply beig there requires you to be a stepmom. My dad's wife came into my life at about that age and I've always just called her by her first name. I love her - we get on great and we are friends, but I would never call her my step-mom. She's just not a mother person. Plus I already had a mom. I would venture to say that she fills more of an Aunty type niche, or a "dear friend of parents", emotional-relationship-to-me wise.
Does anybody here know how to use 8tracks? I have been trying to use it to put together that sad-songs playlist some other pinners collaborated with me on a million billion years ago, but mostly the library seems to have bad covers or bad remixes? I don't know if I'm searching incorrectly or if the actual best thing is to already have the tracks myself for uploading.
@frigwiggin I wanted to use 8tracks this week but then realized I'd have to upload my own music onto there or something (or... download from youtube musics, then upload to 8tracks) and it was just ridiculous so no. Maybe try Grooveshark?
@Dirty Hands I tried Grooveshark the first time around, and it didn't add like 90% of the songs to the playlist! I didn't notice until I'd gone really far through the list and went back and check and was like, "oh...there are only five songs on this playlist" and I got mad and gave up. IS THERE NO SOLUTION?
@frigwiggin Oh man I have no idea how it works but last Sunday my friend and I stumbled upon a great 90's party music playlist that made for great background grooves while we sewed.
im working on not being girl crazy anymore and im so bad at not being that
I went on a date with a dolphin last night. It was great, we just clicked.
@Decca I sort of hope that, as well as being the setup for a pun, you DID get to meet a dolphin yesterday.
@Decca Thank you for being. <3
I would just like some sympathy here for a minute. I moved to a new town 6 months ago for my husband's postdoc. I am 3 months pregnant. I am working a temp job because my PhD was shit and my advisor won't recommend me for any jobs. I just cried about that at work when someone asked me why I don't want to do research anymore.
Ok. Life is mostly really good, except for new town/pregnant/no career adding up together and I die. Why isn't it 5 o'clock yet???????
@mooseketeer That sounds really rough!! Just hugs. And maybe do some really indulgent things when you get home. Like bath with fancy bath bomb and/or really nice walk in the park and/or buy an album of really good music.
What I'm saying is treat yourself. :)
@mooseketeer I am pregnant, unemployed*, and moved six months ago to an area where my only two (married) friends are maybe available once a week if I'm very lucky. *lots of huge and sympathy*
*I do legal contract work but have had such long gaps between projects I'm basically unemployed. And still in huge debt!
@sophia_h thanks guys! I think I just needed someone in the internet to feel sorry for me for a minute.
Sophia_h, I am trying hard to join pregnancy related groups to try to make friends, but I think I'm mostly going to have to go friendless until my temp job is up and I have free time again. Moving to a new is so effing hard, and I didn't realize how much of my socializing/getting to know people involved drinking too much until I suddenly can't anymore.
I've been so busy and not getting enough sleep it feels like that summer I had 2 shitty jobs, an internship, 2 college classes, and mono. This time it's a full time job that I can't do hungover, managing and playing on a baseball team, and playing mandolin in a mostly female singer/songwriter band (that all of a sudden has a few shows booked), which I will promote here now: listen to these demos that I don't play on but Jenna's really good.
I'm a little sick of the term humblebrag but I did just complain about being tired from being so busy doing things I really enjoy doing with a bunch of rad people. Oh well.
This probably will sound lame, but I'm going to say it.
For the past two weeks I've been kind of sick, so every night after work I've been putting my jammies on and curling up on the couch doing marathons of FELICITY.
I never watched it much when it was originally on, but now that I'm almost 30, oh my god, I totally appreciate it and it's turning into my favorite show. And now I miss the 90s. The episode I was watching last night involved Noel giving a young Amy Smart a Palm Pilot for Christmas!!!
I'm also enjoying The Americans with present-day Keri Russell.
@OhMyGoshYouGuys I don't think it sounds lame at all, because if I thought that I'd also have to think that I AM LAME BECAUSE I AM WEIRDLY COMFORTED BY WATCHING FELICITY. I also didn't watch it when it was on tv.
@raised amongst catalogs I knew I wasn't alone. It's a total comfort watch.
@OhMyGoshYouGuys I was in college at exactly the same time as Felicity and watched her sophomore and senior years VERY loyally. It is incredibly soothing. Also sometimes I see Keri Russell in my neighborhood and then I can pretend Felicity is real and I live in that version of New York.
For any plus-sized ladies around here who have an interest in fashion, I am doing a giveaway of Aimee Fleck's fatshion advice book DAMN GIRL THAT STYLE IS FAT because I think it's pretty great and has cute illustrations of fat girls (POC fat girls, even) wearing cool clothes, and her positivity and encouragement in the face of so much media that says fat women don't deserve fashion is great.
this week was long and annoying. mean coworkers are the absolute worst. but on an upside i signed up for a class to help teach kids swim lessons - so that helped. that and the glass of champagne i'm drinking.
@megeliza Kids learning how to swim is adorrrrrable. (Actually, kids learning any sport is adorable.) You have inspired me to look into this for the summer!
Mean coworkers ARE the worst. :(
@dj pomegranate i found it at the Y... just an orientation to be an aid because i don't have the time to take the full class to instruct--- good luck!
Hairpin, I miss you :( <3
I had a dream that my dog asked me to take her to the pool using only the vocabulary that she can understand in real life. I finally relented to her ceaseless demands and when we got there she dived in and swam along the bottom of the pool, resurfacing for air, and diving down again. I woke up feeling like she is trying to tell me something... but what??
@rimy I just googled "dream my dog communicating with me" and I see that to dream of being "led" by a dog means that you are comfortable with yourself. Not too shabby, right?
@raised amongst catalogs That's awesome! And so are dogs.
Guys! I need the Hairpin music brain. I'm putting together my wedding playlist and I need songs of any/all genres that will get people moving on the dance floor. (Right now it is pretty 80s-heavy, which is not a bad thing, but maybe needs some variety?)
The Go! Team is pretty infectious.
@dj pomegranate FOOTLOOSE one time I requested that at my ex-favourite club and the DJ who I'm pretty sure hated me (probably because I made requests like footloose I guess) responded: "are we at a wedding?"
SO THEN last summer I requested it at a wedding and the dj played it SO THERE JERKY DJ PERSON SO THERE.
@redheaded&crazy pshaw variety away from 80s heavy whatever
everybody dance now (artist unknown by me) and stronger - kanye west are also guaranteed dance floor pick me ups.
@dj pomegranate Marvin Gaye, "Got To Give It Up Pt. 1" will turn your special occasion into the funkiest, sweetest dancing-est jam in the history of the world. I have it on right now and am dancing in my chair. My body yearns to be free, what can I say.
@raised amongst catalogs The funkiest, sweetest dance jam in the history of the world is what I want this party to be! Yesssssss!
@raised amongst catalogs And this is 80s but seriously, who cares -- Raspberry Beret. DO IT.
And "Happy Together" by The Turtles. Do that, also!
And if you want to step into the 90s, why not add some Color Me Badd? (Showing my age.)
Oh my god. Stevie Wonder. "Sir Duke."
Mary J. Blige?
Blur? "Boys and Girls"?
@dj pomegranate The Zombies? The Hollies? I CAN'T STOP LET ME JUST DJ YOUR WEDDING
The Rolling Stones, "Let's Spend The Night Together"
@dj pomegranate I got a ton of compliments on my wedding playlist because I mostly chose fun oldies.* Runaround Sue, Crocodile Rock, So Happy Together, American Pie, Ain't Too Proud to Beg, Shout, etc. There are so many. I recommend putting So Happy Together (by The Turtles) on Pandora and writing down the (upbeat) songs that come up on that playlist.
*To be fair, I am a 25-year-old who loooooves oldies and classic rock. Young people might be more inclined to dance to pop music.
@dj pomegranate Can I suggest some Al Green and maybe also some like 60s girl group fun?
@raised amongst catalogs We have the same taste, apparently!
@dj pomegranate If it were my friends, I would definitely have "The Choice Is Yours" by Black Sheep on there.
I feel like 60s-70s funk is good for a wedding crowd, too. "September" by Earth Wind & Fire, for one.
@olivebee I was just thinking, "Man, she's got fantastic taste in music..."
@Lily Rowan Oh my gosh, YES, EW&F! And The Gap Band, "You Dropped a Bomb On Me." Lord, I could do this all day.
@everyone I am loving these suggestions. We do have September by Earth, Wind & Fire on there, and some Al Green (you can't go wrong with Al, ever), but all these other suggestions are making it MORE AWESOME. Everyone come to my wedding and dance all night!
@dj pomegranate Wheeeeee!
@raised amongst catalogs You are not wrong about "You Dropped a Bomb on Me"!
@raised amongst catalogs YES to "Got to Give It Up"!!
Also the Temptations' "Get Ready" is my go-to jam for appealing to an all-ages crowd.
@Lily Rowan I have actually stopped talking in mid-sentence and thrown my drink to the ground when "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" started playing -- so strong was my need to be dancing immediately.
@dj pomegranate Ooh, ooh! Also, all of the wedding-appropriate songs from That's My Jam. I mean, maybe not Knockin' Boots.
@dj pomegranate Daft Punk, One More Time. YOU'RE GONNA CELEBRATE AND DANCE SO FREE.
@dj pomegranate John Butler Trio, Funky Tonight!
@dj pomegranate Hey Ya by Outkast. Impossible to listen to without wanting to dance.
Also, all of the Motown/soul. Heatwave by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas! Do You Love Me by the Contours! Money by Barrett Strong!
@Verity YES to everyone that says Motown/Soul. That shit will make EVERYONE happy and dancey, no matter the age. Plus the idea of getting everyone as obsessed with this shit at me is always exciting.
"Work to Do," by the Isley Brothers
"Stand!", "I Want to Take You Higher," by Sly & the Family Stone.
"Higher Ground," by Stevie Wonder
"Take Me In Your Arms" by Kim Weston
"Third Finger, Left Hand" by Martha and the Vandellas is actually about getting married!
"Nowhere to Run," "Tear it On Down," "Dancing in the Streets," "Jimmy Mack," by Martha and the Vandellas (you get the idea: almost anything by them)
"Can't Get Next To You," by the Temptations
"Reach Out I'll Be There," "Standing in the Shadows of Love," "I Got a Feeling," "Bernadette," by the Four Tops
"Pride and Joy," Marvin Gaye
"Twenty-Five Miles," Edwin Starr
Most Rolling Stones songs get me wigglin but that might be just my desire to have Moves Like Jagger (although I dislike that song)
@dj pomegranate For a later-in-the-evening, drunken huggy dancefest song, "Common People" by Pulp is always great. And at the last wedding I went to, everyone was up and grooving to "Baby Got Back" and that really long song where you "slide to the left...now slide to the right" and do lots of clapping. (Sorry, can't remember what it's called.)
@Bittersweet it's the "Cha-Cha Slide" which is basically mandatory at weddings/bar mitzvahs/etc
Also I started a weekend kickball league thing and I was looking forward to showing off/flirting a little and traipsing about in warm springtime weather but actually I kind of hate it. The whole point is to relive your elementary school years, except drunk off your ass. I suck at kickball and I don't enjoy beer pong pregames that much, sadness. So not my bag, but I'm still gonna do it because it gets me out and social and that's healthy, right? Right?
@rimy It's good to get out and do active stuff but if people show up wanting to play baseball and you are on a baseball diamond, I ask that you relinquish the field. Since you said it's not your bag, can I talk shit? Well I'll just share what my buddy said, "I'm so sick of KICKBALL. Just drink. Form a coed drinking team and let us play an actual sport." It is frustrating and kind-of ridiculous. Seems like an excuse to drink with the opposite sex outside of a bar. Call me Hater.
@whizz_dumb I just re-read my original comment and it comes across really self-obsessed which wasn't my intention (not sure if you read it as such)... just, blah. I think my real problem is I joined up because someone asked me to & I was happy/flattered that they wanted to spend time with me and I was also hoping to make new friends. But I'm not really clicking with anyone in the group (they are mostly my friend's friends) and that's sort of frustrating and makes me feel down about the whole thing. I really do want to make new friends though, so I'm thinking I'll keep trying it out to see what happens? Is anyone really friends with people they don't click with?
@whizz_dumb oh wait I get you now - yeah it's dumb to use it as an excuse to get wasted, true. I don't care much about kickball - it's fun, but I'd prefer to at least get wasted with people I like and can have awesome convos with (instead of guffawing loudly/drunkenly over inane jokes). argh I probably sound like a snob but I really want to meet people who I can invest in and truly be friends with. Maybe I should go to a Pinup but I worry that would be awkward. Avoidancy! (& thats enough about me for a while! sorry for dumping)
@rimy I think you guys are playing the wrong kind of kickball. I know that's the point of a lot of leagues, but we just have a pick-up game every other Sunday and switch up teams after every 6-inning game (pick new captains, they pick new teams). It keeps things from getting too competitive. Some people drink, but mostly we just have stupid fun and get drunk afterward.
But to @whizz_dumb's point (hey, buddy!), we play on the edge of the park and not at an actual field which is really dumb.
Basically, come to NY and play kickball with us!
@rimy Sorry you're not clicking with anyone. I'm not discouraging your attempts to make new friends, it'll happen, keep trying but don't force it. That's my vague advice. I was just hating on kickball as a thing that 20-somethings do in general, because they have specifically prevented me from having my own fun--so who's self obsessed now? Me. Anyway not a focused attack on you, nor you meetpossum (I hope we're still buddies after this).
@rimy Yeah, maybe go a couple more times, and if you still don't click, don't go? I think it can be more harmful sometimes if you tried to force certain kinds of socialization because you'll start to get bitter towards the other people involved.
@whizz_dumb No, I totally hear you on that part! Like I said, we don't use a baseball field or anything. I think the only people's fun we've ruined was sunbathers, but the park is huge. Also, sometimes we have random new people hanging out in the park join us! But if there's some sort of sign-up system at the field, it's your own fault :-p
@meetapossum The whole thing is super-competitive - it's eight weeks long every Sunday - the final week is a championship game and if you win that you go to some kind of regional tournament. We've lost both games we've played so far due to drunkenness/jollity/general not-taking-it-seriously-ness (which I'm fine with!) and the other teams have been pretty serious about it. But yeah I guess I'd prefer to be having my own fun, or at least meeting cool people *sads*
I gave myself an amazing french manicure for the first time ever using lilac purple as the base. I'm killin Easter this year. If I can bake a cake for my grandmother's birthday without dropping egg shells in it AND get out of going to mass on Sunday I'll be three for three. (three for three what idk)
@redheaded&crazy I've always wanted to give myself a french manicure but I've never tried because I can't even get the hang of plain old painted nails. I always bang into something before they're dry, and/or it all flakes off the next day. I'm impressed by your skill and I bet the lilac looks lovely!
@redheaded&crazy I always have mad respect for peeps who can not just paint their own fingernails, but paint them all fancy-like. Last time I tried I wound up with a smear of nail polish near my elbow.
@redheaded&crazy Your nails sound beautiful! As for the eggs, if you crack them into a separate bowl and let them sit for a few minutes, any shell bits that might have fallen in will make their way to the bottom of the bowl, and they'll stay there when you pour the eggs into your batter! Magic!
@redheaded&crazy In other egg news, using the jagged shell halves to fish out little bits of shell works really well. I've been trying to teach myself how to crack an egg one-handed, so I've been using this trick a lot lately!
Also I love my hippy-dippy yoga teacher who told us to set an intention while staring at the monster moon and touching the middle of our foreheads to activate our yin. Apparently the moon represents Aries or something, so to channel that energy you have to do lots of fire poses? idk!! I totally did the intention/forehead yin thing while taking the dog out at night and I have to say it was silly but kind of fun.
I went to the mall and bought a dress at Anthropologie that was more expensive than I want to admit, but it was on sale (all full-priced dresses at Anthro are 20% off!!!) and I had a Visa gift card so it wasn't that bad. I felt like a bombshell/goddess/pin-up girl when I put it on and now it is mine and I can't stop looking at it.
@raised amongst catalogs I just dropped a bunch of money on new shoes and tattoos, so don't worry, myself = treated.
@olivebee My person!
@raised amongst catalogs I got a Sephora gift card for my birthday a few weeks ago and after spending that time hemming and hawwing I plan on making the purchase this weekend. I totally use gift cards in that weird mental space of "Okay, this order would've normally been 150, but is now 100! I FEEL BETTER!" Also bought myself some boots, sunscreen, and a new brush set. Treat yo self.
@Kikimora You seem like an expert in the art of Treat Yo Self. What kind of boots?!
@raised amongst catalogs Yeah...I kinda am. Ankle boots. Winter/rain isn't going to let up any time soon in my part of the world, and I've been wearing riding boots to work for about 6 months straight. I can't have any skin exposed on my feet because of OSHA regulations at work. I'm hoping they fit under my jeans, because normally no matter how much I want to stuff my jeans into ankle boots it looks bad!
@Kikimora Oh, cute. I like the "smog" color a lot.
@raised amongst catalogs I bought myself an expensive eyebrow pencil because it's better than all eyebrow pencils. I am also taking a wonderful cooking class soon, which I paid for long ago so by the time I go, it won't even feel like I'm paying for it at all.
@raised amongst catalogs AH I BOUGHT TWO DRESSES! I had a gift card, just got paid, and 20% sale on two dresses I have lusted after for months? Yes, please.
I have a tumblr with my friend about the ridiculous stuff Anthro sells so I know pretty much everything they have (good and bad) and am now dying to know which dress you got? Is that creepy to ask a stranger?
@raised amongst catalogs I wanna see your pretty dress! Can you link it?
In the spirit of the thread, I'll add that the other day I treated myself to a new pair of metallic gray flats (for work) and cute (I think) Birkenstocks and they just arrived and I am in lurve.
@Kikimora Eeeee I have those boots too!! In black. They are sexy as fuck. You will feel awesome in them.
@Kikimora OH and regarding the "fitting under jeans" thing, I usually just roll a lil cuff. I think the style of the boot with the cuff works well.
@Beaker @Jinxie I am so happy to tell you which dress! It's this one.
I can't even tell you how stoked I am about this dress. It makes me feel like Joan from Mad Men, but maybe dialed down a bit? Ugh, love.
@baked bean Ooh that's good to hear! I may try the cuff roll, thanks!
@raised amongst catalogs Ooh, I'm sure that neckline is very flattering! Get your hair in an updo and work it!
OKCupid updates? I had a really promising first date! Was asked out on a second date! We'll see where this goes.
Also am hanging out this weekend with friend/crush I hooked up with recently, who said that he wasn't interested in being involved with someone and then has continued to indicate extreme interest in me. But I'm letting words speak louder than actions on that one. I like him a lot, but don't want to wait around for someone to get his shit together.
@Emma Peel Words over actions. ALWAYS.
@Emma Peel My update is that I think I was talking in an earlier Open Thread about how after weeks of bitching about not wanting to sign up for it I finally did. It worked out really well with the very first person I met from there, we have seen each other multiple times, live really close to one another, the greatest sex ever, etc. So, um, I take back my bitching I guess.
In response to your second paragraph, I've been having this dumb saga all year with someone who kept telling me he didn't want to be involved with me and then intermittently saying really leading things and acting as if he were interested, and it has been a total nightmare, so I agree with "words over actions."
@Emma Peel Yay for promising first date! I also recently had a promising first date, had a pretty okay second date, now I'm just kinda 'meh' about the whole thing. He's nice, and decent to talk to, but the sex is really underwhelming (yes I'm slutty and don't care about waiting until the 3rd/5th/whatever date to have sex). There's just nothing that's making me go, "ooh, I really want to see this guy again." So I'm not sure if I should even make an effort to see him again.
I'm trying to do casual dating for the first time ... ever (always either in a committed relationship or just doing one-night-stands) and it's proving difficult to navigate.
Also I'm seeing a guy this weekend that I'm pretty sure I'm in love with, he just moved from 1000 miles away from me to 200 miles away from me, so I'm driving down to see him. We met in college and became a 'thing' 5 days before I moved away, and have been Skyping/calling/texting all the time for almost a year. I AM VERY EXCITED TO SEE HIM. Everyone else is heading home for Easter, and I'm driving to Chicago to have sex in a YMCA.
@Emma Peel Still have only gone on two dates with people I wasn't attracted to. At least the bit where I wasn't getting any messages at all stopped. Having a hard time getting over being just as afraid of rejection on the internet as in real life.
In "real life," I made an effort to talk to lots of guys I didn't know at a party my friend had last weekend, with no memorable results except a guy who was so unbelievably rude to me (abruptly turned his back to me in the middle of what I thought was a great conversation to talk to a prettier girl who had just walked up to get a drink, she eventually mentioned she had a boyfriend, he begrudgingly turned back around to re-engage me but finally got around to mentioning HIS girlfriend!) that I'm still somewhat agog.
I have lots of coping mechanisms for not trying and thus failing by default, but I don't have as many for trying and still failing, so the last few months of putting myself out there have been pretty difficult. I was sleeping with this dude in December (only the second guy I ever slept with and the first one I liked) who basically nexted me on New Year's Eve (at a party he told me he'd be out of town for), and I've been seeing him around with his new girlfriend a bunch lately and it makes me feel really shitty and sad.
@Ellie hey, that's awesome! congrats!!! fuck that other guy forever (or rather, you know, don't).
@zamboni wowww fuck that dude at the party. i don't understand how people, even people who are drinking and trying to get laid, can fail to grasp even a modicum of politeness.
@supfreckles drinking and trying to cheat on their girlfriends whose existence they will only invoke for convenience, apparently? (his girlfriend sounded pretty cool, which is alarming. break up with this asshole, cool girlfriend!!)
@zamboni I think making efforts to talk to people in real life is great (and something I try to do more too) but man, no good deed goes unpunished, because wow what a horrible person that guy sounds like! At least he showed his true colors straight away and you didn't have to waste any more time considering him?
@zamboni Ha ha ha that guy is TERRIBLE!
What I tell myself/others in situations like that - at least you got to stop talking to him. He has to be himself (ugh) all the time - 24/7!
And that girlfriend of his - imagine DATING this guy. How shitty will she feel when she realizes she's been giving her time to this tool?
@Queen of Pickles @Ellie Ghanks guys! yeah, it only took him about forty minutes to warm up to Full Juicebox Power, like a finicky tube amp, for which I am grateful.
Fingers crossed that his girlfriend is also some kind of living nightmare so that they cancel each other out.
Hey runners, best running shorts for chub rub prevention? I gained some weight (sigh) and my shorts are riding up and making it look like my crotch is hungry--glide stick ain't doing shit. HELP! I have a 5K coming up and the weather is getting too nice to be wearing leggings...
@parallel-lines Hopping on this thread because I have this same problem and I have yet to be able to find a way to fix it that isn't "wear the capris/leggings in the hot weather," which is sad.
@parallel-lines I am also in this boat. I just tend to wear the capris. There has to be a better way, right?
@parallel-lines bikram yoga shorts?
@parallel-lines You could try triathlon shorts. They hit about mid thigh, are tight like bike shorts, and usually don't have bike short padding. Plus they're designed for running!
@christonacracker I have the grossest, fattest cellulite ridden thunder thighs :( I don't even wear those when I occasionally do bikram yoga--I feel like the sexual harassment would be insane. Stupid giant thighs--you are the bane of my existence.
I tried these shorts but the tight inner liner just rides up as bad as regular shorts: http://www.amazon.com/Nike-Womens-Compression-Running-Short-Orange-Medium/dp/B005OBBLNU/ref=sr_1_23?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1364646776&sr=1-23&keywords=nike+running+shorts
@parallel-lines (don't know if you guys will see this but,) Nike makes a pair of shorts that are sorta like bike shorts-- they hit mid-thigh but are tight and grippy at the bottom and do NOT ride up. I would look for longer shorts like that.
I also have gained a bit of weight and don't know what I'll be running in this summer :/
The person I'm seeing told me this last week (right before the first balloon Open Thread!):
"Fear is a balloon tied to the fence of your life . . . You can release it, and it remains there, decorating your fence, blocking your view of the world beyond. It's not until you examine the string (that looks totally different from the balloon and that you never consider to be part of the balloon) and trace it to its root to untie that you can ever truly let go of your fears."
Hoping someone might have been in a similar situation at some point and have some wisdom for me...
I have depression that I have been allowing to fester for way, way, waaaay too long because of fear/shame/perceived impossibility of getting help, and more practically because I am unemployed and on my mom's shitty contractor insurance that offers no mental health benefits. Even with all of that, though, my life is stagnating and it is just becoming too much of an issue to ignore. A friend who also has experience with depression suggested that as a first step I could go see a primary care doctor, who would be covered under my insurance, who could prescribe me antidepressants. So I found one in my network and called the number; everything seemed to be going fine until the receptionist asked me why I was scheduling an appointment. I said "wellness checkup" and he responded "Oh so you mean a Pap smear?" No, no I do not mean a Pap smear (??!?). That was the most general term I could think of and I had no other ideas, so I said "well, I guess psychiatric?" Big mistake. He launched into a lecture about how Dr. Whoever does not perform psychiatry because she is not a mental health professional, she is a PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR, like I am 5 and do not understand what words mean. I got extremely embarrassed, mumbled an apology, hung up, and sobbed for the next 10 minutes.
So...obviously I said something wrong. I saw someone else mention above about getting antidepressants from a GP, so I know it is theoretically possible, but how do I get a freaking appointment??? Do I have to lie (I mean, I guess my ear has been kind of bothering me lately...) my way into an appointment and then just try to bring it up? Should I just bite the bullet and pay God-knows-how-much-money-I-don't-have out of pocket to go to a real live psychiatrist (and who knows if the prescription would then be covered)? Getting shot down after I FINALLY screwed up my courage and reached out for help is so discouraging :(
@Lurkasaurus Oh my god. That was SO THE WRONG thing for that person to have said. I have had my primary care doctor suggest Prozac when I went in to complain of shortness of breath. Primary care doctors, if anything, OVERprescribe anxiety/depression meds. YOU DID NOT SAY ANYTHING WRONG. I am so sorry that person made you feel embarrassed.
I support you FULLY in this, for what it's worth. Call back and if you get the same person, ask to speak to a nurse. If he asks what it is regarding, say that it's confidential and you prefer to speak to a nurse. If that doesn't work, TELL ME and I will call for you.
You did the right thing in reaching out for help and it makes me SICK that someone got in your way and made you feel awful in the process. Please don't give up. HUGS TO YOU.
@Lurkasaurus My GP prescribes my antidepressants. Mainly because I greatly prefer psychologists to psychiatrists for talk therapy. Call and schedule a checkup. You shouldn't be pressed for more details, and if you are, just say you want a general checkup (which won't hurt anyway, and perhaps you and your GP can investigate some potential medical causes of depression, like thyroid disorders etc.) If the receptionist is pushy, be strong. A checkup is a perfectly adequate explanation of what you want.
And I don't know where you are, but LOTS of places have low-cost therapy available at training centers. I know it's a little scary to be working with a trainee, but I am one, and I can vouch for the supervision we get. Also, I think we're even more concerned about not fucking up than some seasoned professionals!
ETA: I would really, strongly recommend that you try to find some kind of therapy in addition to drugs. Scores of studies show the most improvement that way. Just taking the drugs could help, but someone to talk to who can help you reframe and just check in with you regularly is of massive value.
ALSO ETA: Lots of clinicians will work with you on a sliding-scale fee basis. Ask around. I know from experience how hard it s to scrape up the motivation to do that, but it's the best way for you to take care of yourself.
Don't give up, you can do this.
@Lurkasaurus In happier news, it is my birthday this weekend, and I'm getting my hair cut and going out to dinner with my best friend at a place where they bring you a dick-shaped banana split as a birthday dessert and having a big ole party. Things are not all bad in Lurkasaurus-world :)
@Lurkasaurus First, *hugs*, it blows so hard when you push yourself to do something that's emotionally difficult and then get smacked down by someone like that. Second, call again, and say you just want a physical. If that doesn't cover it, say you've been feeling tired and rundown and want to look into it further. You do not owe the receptionist any more details. When you see the doctor, tell them the same thing, plus that you're feeling very unmotivated, lost interest in stuff you used to like, everything seems grey, ie all the usual stuff which are classic signs of depression. The doctor should discuss either medication or a referral to someone who will do that -- and if they just tell you to get more exercise and sunshine and see friends, say you did that and it doesn't seem like anything you've been doing on your own can help these days. You may have to be pushy about it, but I really hope you can get some help.
@Lurkasaurus Yes, that guy is clearly a dick! Your primary care physician is SUPPOSED to also ask you about your mental state, because that's part of primary care. They are able to prescribe antidepressants, but if they think you would benefit from the treatment of a specialist, then they will give you a referral (as they would to a dermatologist or an ENT, etc.). That is HOW primary care WORKS! I am really mad on your behalf.
@Lurkasaurus That's awful and I'm sorry you had to listen to that. It's best to be clear about what you want, so if the doctor doesn't prescribe anti-depressants you find that out now. I recently talked to my GP about anti-depressants and had to answer the same question when I called for the appt. I think I said something about medication, but I was also shy/embarrassed to say what I wanted. I did get the apt and was prescribed some meds though!
This is hard to do but say that you want an appointment so you can talk to the doctor about medication for depression. If the receptionist gives you trouble, ask to speak to the doctor. If that doctor doesn't prescribe anti-depressants, can you find another GP that will?
I know you feel discouraged, but try again. Getting the right medication can help you feel better and when you feel better, you are more motivated/have more energy to make other changes that will help alleviate the depression.
Also, look in your area for sliding-scale mental health training clinics where you might be able to find a therapist at a low cost.
Keep trying and Good luck:)
@Lurkasaurus this makes me so sad. so sorry --- keep trying and stay stong! *hug*
@Lurkasaurus I am also angry on your behalf! I just got back from my doctor (asking about thyroid issues, actually) and one of my symptoms is a kind of low-grade chronic depression and she asked if I was interested in taking something for it. So primary care doctors can totally do that! When I called I said I just wanted to talk about some weird symptoms I've been having lately, and you can do that too.
Good luck, please let us know how it goes!
@Lurkasaurus Ugh. That person on the phone was an ass. You can schedule a physical - like, an annual check up but not an annual, you know? - and generally a doc will listen to you about not being able to sleep, interact, eat or whatever depression is doing to you. GPs prescribe antidepressants. That's how I get mine.
I know it's a bear, but I think you've got to try again. You deserve it, and someone will help you.
@Lurkasaurus That was me above! I can only echo what everybody has said. In my experience I've not gotten much besides a quick prescription dashed off (like raised amongst catalogs says they don't really hesitate to offer) so you might need to be a little assertive about asking for a referral or looking for another resource if you do want something else.
Also, this might might seem obvious to anybody but me but if they ask if you're suicidal they probably don't mean having suicidal thoughts but actively wanting to kill yourself RIGHT NOW and needing immediate, more intense help.
@everyone Thank you SO much for your kind words and advice! I don't know if I have the intestinal fortitude to call the same place back, but there are several other options in the area that take my insurance that I am going to try. Also, I agree with those of you who recommended therapy as well as meds, and I do plan on getting into therapy. I'm hoping that medication will improve my motivation to the point that I can face the process of finding an affordable, effective, compatible therapist, because on my own I just haven't been able to.
@Lurkasaurus Nthing what everyone else has already said about that receptionist being a jerk. I don't have much else to add except that I have significant telephone anxiety and it helps me to write out scripts that account for several possible responses on the other end, including having to leave a message, so that might help in setting an appointment, if you're like me and get flustered on the phone. Write out what you want to say (e.g., Hi, I'm a new patient I want an annual check up and I have some general health questions but I'd like to talk to a GP to get referrals before blindly trying to guess which specialists might be right for me. Why no, I don't just need a pap, there are other parts to me to check out besides my vagina, but thanks juicebox, etc.) and all the ways you can get the conversation back on track to getting an appointment so you're fully prepared for any other jerk receptionists (though let's hope there aren't any more in your near future, and maybe that guy was just having a shitty day and taking it out on his job).
I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. My hair is currently about to where the top of my bra cups sit, and I'm thinking a long bob that comes just above my shoulders? My face is round so I don't think chin-length will do, but my hair is abundant and very fine, so it doesn't look good after it gets about as long as it was two months ago, because it just lies there all limp and sad.
Also, it is Easter this weekend, which always leads to a hilarious thing. See, husband's family has this traditional (I think Ukranian? He's a mishmash of all the northern Euro/Scandinavian nations so their traditions are a big blend of 'whatever was most dominant in each household on either side') sweet cheese stuff at their Easter meal that is called "paska," which in my native language (Finnish) means "shit." All day long I get to hear about people smearing it on their bread and talking about how delicious it is, and all I can think in my head is "tee hee hee, shit." I have had three years of practice at keeping my amusement to myself during serious Easter proceedings, but this year is the first year my entire side of the family has been invited to join in. I have warned them well in advance that this hilarious crossing of languages is happening and hopefully my family won't offend husband's family by laughing immaturely at the cheese all day. FINGERS CROSSED!
@Scandyhoovian I had a long bob for a while and loved it! I'm sure you will rock it. Have fun this weekend. :)
@Scandyhoovian We have the same hair. Layers are the answer. I have a fat face and a double chin and a big forehead, and layers fixed the problem. The length that works for me seems to be just above the shoulder/base of neck or right on the jawline. And I have her take the layers up really high (like the hair at the crown is 3" or less) so that I can kinda fluff it up on the top and make my face more long and less round.
There was still about 10 days of sad when it was at mid-neck and started looking like bloodhound ears and made my face fatter than ever.
Also, now I know a new word in Finnish. Thanks!
@Scandyhoovian My hair is pretty much exactly the same, and I have a round face. Bobs are awesome! I prefer just below chin level, but a bit longer looks good, too. I find it looks way better when I have it fairly short and the back and longer at the front.
My friend wants to go to the Archer Live Show, but it's at the price level where I'm not going to pay unless it's going to be completely awesome. Anyone see it? Is it completely amazing yes/no?
Hairpin! I successfully donated stem cells to my dad on Tuesday!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose WOW! Good for you!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose YOU ARE AWESOME
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose YESSSSSSSSSSS! So glad to hear it. You are a superheroine!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
That's great news! I wish him the best!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! You are amazing!
Life is kind of sucky right now, but my favorite team just signed this hot and talented guy to a nine year deal, so at least I have that to look forward to until I'm 40.
@sophia_h He has such a perfect baseball name.
@sophia_h Buster Posey is the BEST. If my team did not also have a super awesome catcher I would be even more jealous.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose And such a great one for switching up. Puster Bosey! Busty Poser!
@bitchycrosstownexpress I love Yadi too. :)
@sophia_h Busty Poser, oh man. That's a great stripper/drag/roller derby name.
@sophia_h I'm glad there's no shortage of actually awesome dudes on the Giants, because I've given up expecting Brian Wilson to do anything but grow his damn beard out. (And even the beard's not looking good anymore.)
@Jinxie I know, they just keep churning them out! Personally I am sad Tim will probably be gone next year, since he's my favorite, but I guess it'll be okay in the end.
(Random, but we don't happen to have a mutual friend with the initials RKWP, do we?)
@sophia_h I don't think so? I'm trying to remember if I know anyone whose name begins with "R" and I'm coming up with nuthin'. Is he/she a knitter? Because that's how I've met most of my friends here.
@Jinxie Nah, I just wondered because she's got a friend named Jinxie who's a Giants fan.
Today is the first day this week that I've been able to actually get work done. Probably because no one else is in the office and I don't have to answer questions every 5 minutes. I wish there was a way to bank OT hours without actually having to work OT.
Oh, and a friend is doing a turkey dinner on Sunday! Which I didn't know was a thing people did for Easter. We always had ham. Not that I'm complaining, turkey is delicious.
@The Angels Have the Phonebox My dad made a turkey for Easter last year, and I was all, EASTER IS A HAM HOLIDAY. Then I ate the turkey and it was good. Whatchagonnado.
@maebytonight Friend is saying that ham for Easter is an English thing? I'm pretty sure my Irish Catholic granny would take offence to that. I was really looking forward to scalloped potatoes. Whatcahgonnado indeed.
@The Angels Have the Phonebox I know lots of USian people for whom it is a ham holiday. My friend's mom, however, invited us over for turkey. In my family we always had lamb (because we'll use any excuse ever to have lamb, haha) but I don't know too many lamb-lovers around here! I am planning to get some shanks for myself or something.
@The Angels Have the Phonebox Is it? My family doesn't really celebrate Easter (both parents atheists, one of whom was brought up Catholic), but if we eat anything special, it's lamb.
@Verity Lamb makes way more sense but is sadly ridiculously expensive in Canada :(
@frigwiggin My dad just got the leg of lamb this morning and is about to start shoving rosemary and garlic into it. Mmmmm.
SPEAKING OF DAFT PUNK
Have we discussed Random Access Memories? If we have I apologize, but I've been super busy at my third job in two months :|
@Clare I am SO EXCITED. I don't know how I can wait until May for it. :(
Halfway through my notice period today and I CAN NOT WAIT until this is not my job any longer. It's kind of just starting to dawn on me how much inane busy work they make me do because no one else wants to do it. Although hilariously, it's also starting to dawn on my coworkers that they are going to have to take back all of that busy work. I feel kind of bad, but I also kind of don't.
After weeks of ineffectually hitting things with a stick, my druid is finally 5th level! WILDSHAPE! Any other 'pinners still play 3.5 D&D, or druids in general?
@Girl Named Jack My d&d days came to an end with 2nd ed, I am lolold.
@Girl Named Jack I'm more of a paladin lady myself -- I only ever played one druid, and somehow reached the end of the campaign having NEVER EVEN ONCE changed shape. (I don't know, it just never came up?) I did cast Flame Strike a lot, though. Best druid spell in my opinion.
@Girl Named Jack I am running a Pathfinder game, which is basically 3.5 with the serial numbers filed off. At least so far, we just started so it might be different once you get beyond the basics.
My old game group used to play 3.5. I was a cleric. Our group dissolved when we tried to switch to 4th edition and one of our higher-strung players hated it so much she stormed out. Good times.
Who here loves vlogbrothers?! I have a huge fantasy crush on John Green -- I love that he exists and I love boys like him. But also he is amazing and I want to be him and Hank Green when I grow up!
I recently reread Paper Towns and was hit for a six at how great it is -- I really like how he goes into the idea that the "stable life" can be a life of greatness and happiness, just because of the people around you. And it's not bad to want that (a revelation I realize Hannah from Girls also had).
@mystique JOHN GREEN <3 <3 <3
@mystique I also have a huge crush on John Green, which is incredibly inappropriate considering he is twice my age and married. But the crush persists.
@mystique I am madly in love with John AND Hank. I want to marry both of them flrghglhrlhglr
Sigh, Hank, you manic pixie dreamgirl.
@cashmere velvet candy cane He's twice your age?! He's so young!! GAHHH WHAT! But also, have you seen the video where he talks about asking out the Yeti? It was so cute and sweet :)
@mystique My favorite is the one where he cooks with his son. "What are you, a communist?" "Um, yes!" "Well, that's a surprise." *heart explodes*
I am still sad for being friend broken up with. Hairpin, please hit me with delicious recipes or friend break up stories! I will appreciate every word.
@Bloodrocuted Oh no, pal. I'm sorry your heart hurts. I went through a really tough friend break-up in college, and thought I'd never really get over it. I still haven't - which, I think is OK - but the pain is duller. I actually ran into her and she apologized for being a douche (it was her deal, not mine), but I was delighted to find I didn't really care either way because I knew I'd be fine, regardless. Hopefully you can get to a point where you realize, "Hmmm, I'm pretty cool and Ex-Friend is definitely missing out. Oh well. Their loss."
But it takes time. Like everything else, I guess.
@Bloodrocuted I've been broken up with! Here are my stories.
One was this girl B. B is nerdy and weird and interesting and I'm lonely in my second year of college because I live away from my freshman year friends. B and I talk and hang out regularly, until one week in the second semester when I come by her dorm room several times and see her roommate but never her. Then I get a long fb message saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore because I'm scaring her and her roommate by visiting so much. By far one of the worst feelings I have ever had was reading that message, not just because it sucked to know that she wasn't that into being friends with me, but also because it freaked me out that I had this problem of being really obviously needy (which is still something I struggle with). Oh well -- she was a little bit racist (she kept asking me to make Indian food for her) and thought that director who raped a little girl should be excused "because he's an artist." Which she believed because she herself was an artist. Yiiiikes.
This one is more hopeful -- I had feelings for this guy and kept texting him and it was fine...until I got frustrated and kept texting him when he was ignoring me and asked him why he was that way, and he said he didn't have feelings for me and said my texting was too much. Then a month later I apologized and he did too. Now I contact him a lot less, but I also don't expect contact back as much. But we still talk and hang out and it's fun.
@Bloodrocuted I went through this BIG TIME about a year ago (though it was a year long process of slowly being cut out of her life). It hurts. A LOT. And I'm not over it, but... I will say that the pain has lessened in time and I don't really miss HER, I just miss the idea of this friendship that I once had. The truth is, if someone is willing to burn bridges that way, then they are kind of heartless. It's just a mean thing to do, you know? This isn't exactly a positive, but over time I've come to the realization that I don't want to be best friends with someone who can treat another person like that. And it's actually kind of comforting. And guess what, I've met a bunch of other people in the last year who are all AWESOME, and like me, and ex-friend can suck it. :)
@Bloodrocuted I had a tough friend break-up a few years ago and it was really hard for me. She was always sending me friendship ultimatums, threatening to friend-break-up with me. It was frustrating because she was always accusing me of being flaky, which I admit I was, but I was a lot younger than her and didn't really have my shit together yet. And she was really insecure so that made everything worse. Eventually I forgot to text her happy birthday (albeit during a period of great emotional turmoil in my own life), and she sent me a mean text and another friendship ultimatum, and we just kind of cut off our friendship cold turkey after that. In retrospect, I realize how irresponsible I was, but the truth was our friendship was causing me a great deal more anxiety than it should have and she was really negative and petulant and rude whenever we hung out. I've come to realize that while I should have been a better friend, it wasn't worth it to keep up with someone who was giving me that much stress.
Also, I remember listening to the "Frenemies" episode of This American Life and hearing them say something about how friends that we feel ambivalently about actually cause more stress than just straight-up enemies. That was kind of a turning point for me, and I actually finally started to feel justified in leaving her behind.
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That's so nice! Did you like that she apologized or was it no longer important to you at all?
@mystique Aw, those two are sad. When you get negative reactions from being "needy", it messes up your perception with normal social interactions. That's tough. Make sure you're not overly excluding yourself.
@maebytonight That sounds awful, but also like you learned a lot! Thank you for the hopeful scenario.
@Chareth Cutestory She sounds like a future abusive spouse, good on you. I would like to find that episode, it sounds great.
Thank you for the stories! They make me feel a lot better. I have never seen a discussion about friend break-ups except here, where everyone is thoughtful and interesting and do not deserve friend breakups.
Unfortunately (?) she is not bad at all, just bridge-burning, so I cannot be mad. She said she had feelings for me and they "made it hard to stay friends". Which is like being invited into the NFL: very lucky and wonderful for a lot of people, but I don't know football and have never thought of football and if I tried to football I would probably hurt everyone.
@Bloodrocuted Not sure how to do HTML link magic so I will just leave this here: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/389/frenemies It's a good one.
Sorry for your friend situation, I hope things get better soon!
@Bloodrocuted Yeah, it took me some time to realize that different people can take different amounts of communication. Plus, we didn't know each other well.
But I wanted to say: You can be mad all you want! Have all the feelings you have, though of course don't throw them her way :) Hope you feel less worried soon!
@Chareth Cutestory Thank you! I will listen to it tomorrow.
@mystique Thank you! You are very kind. :)
I went out with my colleagues for the first time last night, got a bit tipsy and made out with TWO of my colleagues. Is this dreadfully unprofessional?? This is my first proper job so I don't know quite HOW bad this is!
Do y'all have any awkward/dreadful/wonderful tales of workplace liasons?
@katiethegreat So it depends if you're at the same level at work. If it was your superior or you are their superior or anything, that is an HR nightmare. If you are all admins or whatnot, as long as you can play professional at work, it's kind of ok. My employees have done this, and as long as they can hold it together, I do not care. I wouldn't make a habit of it though, as less drama at work is better.
@katiethegreat I have done the same thing, thankfully it was a co-op job and they were other students. Apparently there were rumors that I hooked up with one in the bathroom. He went on and married another one of our co-workers. Oh Fort Mac, I miss your shenanigans sometimes. But yeah, I wouldn't make a habit out of it.
@snowlate I am the lowliest of the low at work, and while one of them is in a position where he sets me tasks to do etc, I'm hoping it will be ok since neither of them works from my office that much! Other coworkers were equally badly behaved: one guy got thrown out of the nightclub, so my misdemeanors might not stand out too much!
@katiethegreat I had a yearlong secret relationship with the guy in the next cubicle over at my first office job. The secret part made it workable (we were in different departments, that also helped). Also, he was totally anti-social and never talked to anyone, so no one noticed when we were fighting (which was often) and giving each other the silent treatment. I will say this: he was a terrible boyfriend and a toxic person, but when he turned on the charm he was irresistible, so I was very relieved when he moved to a different floor and I didn't have to see him every five minutes.
@katiethegreat I had sex with a coworker after our last holiday party. Yep.
I HAAAAAAATE when you're working on a project at work, and someone in charge of you and/or that project makes you do it a certain way that you vehemently disagree with (not on an ethical standpoint, just a usability/making a good product standpoint), but then no one else knows you were forced to do it that way so then everyone who sees your project thinks YOU are the stupid one.
@KeLynn Preach it, sister. The website I wrote and the website that now exists? They come from different planets 3/4 of the time. ARGH.
@KeLynn bahaha this is my life all the time! although when my boss tells me to do something i disagree with and i'm at least 80% sure it will never get back to him/he won't remember once it does, i just do it my way. i may lack foresight.
After three years of being incredibly torn, I finally broke up with my boyfriend. Whom I loved. A lot. And he loved me and treated me so well. And it was all great and everything. The problem was that he has a son, and even after three years, I couldn't get comfortable with it and couldn't see a future where I was really committed to being a step-parent. I didn't feel happy about our future, and I felt anxious, guilty, scared, guilty again... all the time. It wasn't fair to either of us, so finally we broke up. We'd been separated for a few weeks at a time before, but this breakup is the real deal.
I realize this is the most cliche and common problem MAYBE EVER but I just... I am having such a hard time getting over him. He really was just, the greatest guy. Why couldn't I make it work? I feel like since I was the breaker-upper (although it was kind of mutual in the end, but it was all my issues) I shouldn't be so heartbroken. I feel like my world is, you know, OVER, and other dramatic things.
I don't know what my question is. Just, everything hurts, all the time, and I miss him, and how do you fall out of love with someone when all you want to do is go on loving them forever? I already know the answer: keep busy, new hobbies, blah blah blah. I am trying, I swear. Maybe my real problem is that I don't want to be over him.
Thanks to all of you for providing lots of comments and things that make me smile every day, though.
@maebytonight Oh sweetie. I am so sorry ='( I have no advice or words of comfort. I feel you and I'm incredibly sorry to hear you're going through this. Surround yourself, as much as you can, with girlfriends?
@maebytonight I'm so sorry. But I totally disagree - the breaker-upper is absolutely allowed to be heartbroken. Sometimes I think it even hurts more.
@KeLynn I appreciate your saying that. It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life and yeah, I just am full of feels.
@ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ Definitely going to do my best with that. It's been kind of tough making friends after moving back to my college town (everybody has moved awayyyyy) but I'm involved in some theatre groups and starting to make some friends... it helps lots. Thanks for your comment!
@maebytonight Oh man, I am so sorry. Hugs and good thoughts heading your way.
Listen: you are allowed to grieve. You instigating this breakup doesn't leave LESS of a hole where a relationship and all that surrounds a relationship used to be. Let yourself go through that process. It's healing. Go out, distract yourself, do all those things too, but you have permission to spend every weekend for awhile in your sweatpants on your couch drinking wine and watching entire seasons of shows and crying. Not that I know what that's like. Nope.
@par_parenthese entire seasons? entire shows?
@par_parenthese Thank you so much... I am totally in that "sitting inside watching entire seasons of TV shows" phase. Very, very much. And it kind of helps, but I suppose time will help more.
I totally forgot about the Friday Open Thread and I was going to talk about weird issues I'm having with my boyfriend and how I'm thinking about introducing an open relationship-y phase but now the idea is just making me sad.
@cosmia :( I'm sorry. We're still here over the weekend if you want to talk about it! (Or at least I am...)
lizzie bennet diaries has ended my life is over everything is over
@cashmere velvet candy cane Okay that was maybe a little dramatic but I AM REALLY GOING TO MISS THIS SERIES.
@cashmere velvet candy cane I can go on living so long as P&P remakes, in all their forms, keep being made. That was bad grammar, but you know.
@cashmere velvet candy cane Can we talk about the kiss from last week?! SO HOT.
@Chareth Cutestory so so so so hot *fans self*
@cashmere velvet candy cane I haven't watched the last ep. yet, and I'm afraid to because once I do there's no avoiding the fact that it's over. :(
@cashmere velvet candy cane I AM DYING FROM SADS
But seriously, that kiss was like universe-destroyingly hot. I may or may not have spent an hour watching just kiss gifs yesterday. Because DAMN.
@cashmere velvet candy cane oh man the last episode--there's a reveal towards the end that is just GREAT. I won't spoil it for you but I was laughing and gasping at the same time!
@Chareth Cutestory Can we talk about his tie and the way she grabs his tie and just yay
@Shayna So much tie porn.
@Shayna Exactly! The tie was the hottest part! Brb, encouraging my boyfriend to wear ties and suspenders all the time.
I had a crappy week and I don't even know why. Nothing actually went that wrong, but I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. Early PMS, I guess? But now I'm going to go for a run and get endorphins and sunshine and all of that stuff. Give me your favorite running/workout music, Hairpin! I'm sorely in need of an update.
Do you have a smartphone? I don't, but sometimes I borrow my boyfriends and then just use playlists other people make on spotify or on 8tracks.
@Chareth Cutestory I really like pounding pavement to the Heartless Bastards.
@Chareth Cutestory this is embarrassing, but Sara Bareilles gets me moving every time.
So does OK Go, but that's not at all embarrassing.
@stonefruit Confession: I like to sing OK Go songs to myself while riding my bike. Especially Needing/Getting.
@frigwiggin That is not a confession! That is just good taste.
I use Get Over It when I need to snap myself out of wallowing and into productivity. And White Knuckles makes me dance.
@Chareth Cutestory i have been running to incubus a lot lately, which is crazy because i'm no longer 13 years old, but it really works! loud, fast, angry, etc., plus hilarious bad lyrics!
@Chareth Cutestory I like Daft Punk for working out/bad moods because it makes me feel like I am a machine. A powerful, unstoppable machine.
Thanks for the suggestions, everybody!
So I have continued watching Being Human, and I'm right at the end of season 2, and I have a very important question: OH MY GOD IS ANYONE EVER GOING TO BE HAPPY EVER AGAIN? Am I ever going to see any of these assholes smile again, or am I completely screwed?
(you guys tried to warn me why didn't I listeeeennnn)
@Elsajeni UK or US version? Because I might have some bad news for you...
@miss buenos aires Oh dear.
(To actually answer your question: UK version, because:
I mean, come on.)
@Elsajeni Ha! Well, then I can definitively say that no one is going to be happy ever again. But you have some very impressive eyebrows in your future.
I just want to say you guys are the best. I love reading these threads and am constantly in awe at how interesting, funny, and emotionally intelligent you all are.
Because the community is one of the things I love most about this site, I'm curious if there's any move to updating the comment section to something like Disqus?
@ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ I like our current comment system but I rely a lot on my email updates rather than a centralized profile system like Disqus'. I've had a hell of a bullshit time trying to wrangle profiles in that system, too.
So I've been working in retail management for *gulp* 8 years now and I'm awesome at it, but I hate it and it makes me cry (out of frustration and disappointment in myself, not from customers, cuz f those guys)! So I'm going back to school, adult education style, to get my masters in a field related to but more practical than my stunning liberal arts degree. PROBLEM: I can't get a boring office job to (literally) save my life! I've been applying to office manager and operations controller positions for a year with almost no bites. Now I'm afraid that I'll get this shiny degree and promptly be working in retail for the rest of my life, slowly withering on the inside. I'll start wearing circles of blush. The future does not look bright, people. How did you get out of retail? How did you change careers?
And anyone else develop later life allergies? I'm all the sudden allergic to peaches and it's cramping my juice style.
@snowlate Have you considered a temp agency? YMMV, but I had great luck doing temping. It gave me the office experience, the agency saw I was reliable, and worked hard to get me a permanent position. It was really important to keep in touch with them weekly and also to communicate with them if your assignment sucks.
@Kikimora I'm super nervous about giving up a regular, full time job with healthcare and the like. I'm trying not to rely on certainty but...
@snowlate I hated my job with benefits so much that I saved up so that I could pay for COBRA for at least six months when I quit. But I was desperate, so that gamble may not be for everyone.
@snowlate Not quite the same situation; I recently finished grad school and realized that I didn't really want a career in what I got a degree in, and trying to get a simple office job has been a nightmare since I don't have relavent experience. Because obviously I should have been working full time on top of working on two degrees simultaneously. I've also gone the route of temping and it's working out pretty well! It's not a ton of money, but it's covering my loans, and my agency also offers benefits!
@snowlate Some career resources: Ask A Manager, 5 O'Clock Club.
My 2 cents - It's a reeeeeally sucky market, and every single person I know who's gotten a job since the recession has only gotten a job in 1 of 2 ways:
1. They knew somebody, introduced themselves to somebody, had a friend who worked there, had a friend of a parent, networked with a stranger, met someone at a party who knew someone, and that's how they got the interview. They had to be SUPER AWESOME at the interview, and have a SUPER AWESOME resume and cover letter, to get any further.
2. They started on a temporary basis, through a temp agency, and were hired full-time because people knew them and liked them.
That's it. Online applications don't work unless you are made of silver bullets and/or applying for a position that nobody else is applying to. At least in my experience.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS you can start networking now! Informational interviews! The above two resources are GREAT for learning how to network. It's really really important.
You can do it! I know it's shitty because you're having to "rebrand" yourself after many years, and some people might give you the side-eye because you don't fit into their perfect little box of what an office manager looks like, but there's so much you can do to start to spin it in your favor. And that's all it is, "spin". The people who don't choose you aren't gods - they don't know jack. It's all about finding ways to show them that you've got the skills and experience they're looking for. Rebranding yourself, networking, and things like that are learnable skills.
Also, not to be harsh, but I would STRONGLY caution you to think twice about grad school. At least, do your best to contact some recent grads from your program and ask them where they are now. Unless it's in a very specialized field (mental health, law, the sciences, etc), or you're looking to make the jump to an upper-level managerial position, a master's doesn't seem to do much more than a BA these days. Much more important is relevant experience. Volunteering/temp agencies/etc!!
- Signed, someone who worked as a barista for four years before taking a series of temp jobs, reading her ass off about networking/yadda yadda yadda, finding her passion (higher education administration) as well as a FT job doing that. I'm not an expert, but I've seen a lot!
After spending a weekend at a conference a couple weeks back and having an awesome, amazing, uplifting, inspiring time, I came back to:
Thursday of last week: I had to scream two people out of the arcade because they were flagrantly violating so many laws and store rules, including one of them leaving their (tween) kids in the car in the parking lot directly out front.
Wednesday of this week: I got screamed at, berated, and insulted (the guy even repeatedly pointed out my mild acne! WOW STAND-UP GUY) by a 45 or 50 year old man because I treated him like I treat every single customer and did not...hand him the keys to two locked pipe cases. It escalated so so so quickly and goddamn I should have called the cops right away.
I can't believe I still work here. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT U PORN STORE
In other news, working at MG's co-op is going great. I'm making a vegan, peacock-themed engagement cake in a couple of weeks (omg)
@Porn Peddler sorry about your shitty week. I just flashed back to being a kid and really wanting to go to the "Adult Arcade" because I wanted to play Street Fighter II. My mom was as amused as she was annoyed.
How do you guys express your stress? For me, I get tired. I could lie in bed allll day and just dream the stress away. I'm asking this because my mom is in the hospital and I hate visiting her. I love love love her, but I feel like a terrible daughter for wanting to shut down when I get to her room. Plus my way of getting stressed clashes directly with my dad's. He gets anxious and manic, which makes me want to crawl in bed all the more. Huh, this was kinda disorganized, but thanks for listening to me vent :)
@Palmetto I think I do the same thing as you and I was in a pretty similar situation to yours a couple of years ago. I curled up in the chair next to my mom's hospital bed and sorta napped/daydreamed several times a week to avoid the impulse to bolt. Felt guilty about not being more proactive, but the guilt just made me want to crawl under something all the more. So, yeah. You're not a terrible daughter. You're just coping, I think. :)
I just finished rewatching Mad Men season 5 and I really think everyone else should too. I had actually mostly forgotten what happened and entirely forgotten how great it was. April 7th cannot come soon enough! I need all of those people back in my life, making me sad/excited/jealous every week. I'm really considering getting the DVDs so I can watch the commentary even though all the episodes are on Netflix all ready
@Tropical Iceland GAHHH SO EXCITED FOR SEASON 6!!!
OMG GUYS! I just made cookies with mini cadbury cream eggs!
picture here: http://pinterest.com/pin/259097784784689318/
I will now spend the rest of the evening in a sugar coma....zzzz
@PaperbackLady Mmmmmmmmm YUMWANT.
That .gif is mesmerizing.
so ive been dying to get on here and thank anyone who really did put out positive vibes in my job search efforts! now i have two!! i felt like it wouldnt be possible but it was! also i need to put out into the interwebs that life is weird etc, you feel me. now i have to smoke and lurk!~!~!~! happy friday everyone!
I GOT A JOOOOBBBBBBBB! I start my new job on Monday. Game of Thrones AND Baseball start new seasons on Sunday. I just took a five day trip to Arizona to watch spring training. I move back to San Francisco next weekend. The Giants just signed Buster Posey for nine more years. I am cashing in all my PTO. I am eating a free macaron right now. EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MILHOUSE. HAPPY FRIDAY!
@Diana nine years? christ. glad things are going well for you!!
@Diana Here's a song for you, then: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08tYrBCgXlU
I am on my first vacation in a good little bit, and so far, the universe is rejecting it out of hand:
-Expensive tickets for shitty seats for Leonard Cohen were accidentally recycled as part of a hasty cleaning binge to make way for a house guest (Don't recycle, don't even start.) They were already ticket broker tickets, and could not be replaced, so additional expensive tix for yet shittier seats had to be bought.
-Even though we had agreed to not take any new foster cats until after this trip, there were like 3 hoarding situations in a row that My Favorite Charity had to deal with, so my husband and I took in a mama cat and kittens. They are adorable, no regrets, BUT mama cat's face swelled up out of nowhere a few days ago, resulting in nightmarish kitty logistics to get her treated by the shelter vet, then an outside vet, then a kitty dentist, then additional arrangements to have the pet sitters get the cat family from the kitty dentist.
-On the way up the side of a big hill/small mountain in West Virginia, the car stopped accelerating, then the engine locked up, then it started smoking, as we sat by the side of the road staring at a sign for a place called "Lost Creek." Good news: it's one of the beater "company cars" that my husband's work supplies him with whenever the previous crappy car is destroyed in some way. Bad news: it's the timing belt! $2,000 to repair, so his job may just scrap it there, so there will be future complications to our lives as a result.
OH WELL THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT SOME KIND OF CABIN IN THE WOODS SCENARIO WE WILL BE FINE VACATION WOOOO
@frenz.lo Dude that sounds rough as hell, BUT have fun at Leonard Cohen, don't think about the money, and thank you thank you thank you for fostering animals! You will have a great vacation. Should you ever make it out of Lost Creek. Just kidding, but what a name!
My mood has been so weirdly up and down this week (possibly related to coming off antidepressants, possibly just because brains are weird). On Monday I missed my train to work and cried, felt really irritated with everyone all day, got into a Facebook fight with an acquaintance and then cried some more. The last few days have seen me feeling great, even though work is stressful (and I am with my boyfriend now for the long weekend, which is excellent). Moods are so weird.
Last night at the bar a very drunk older man tried to dance with me and I looked him right in the eye and said "NOPE NOPE NOPE." Then I ran away. One beer later I realized I was quoting that octopus GIF people post here a lot. I was channeling it so hard. Thank you, Hairpin, for giving me the perfect response.
BASKETBALL. My bracket is completely destroyed, but Louisville is my one hope. I'm really crossing my fingers for a Louisville-Kansas final because I want to see that Cardinal defense against that Jayhawk offense. Sports fans, what's happening with your teams? Ready go.
guys, my depression is baaack :( this time with obsessions and loss of appetite! i'm also finding myself in slightly dangerous situations with people i don't know and drugs, guys i should definitely not be fucking, etc. i am feeling okay for the first time today, but i know it's because i'm going out tonight and getting drunk, thereby creating the potential for more dangerous/thrilling circumstances, which i've been doing for pretty much the past 14 days straight (i took a break last night to sleep 13 hours). i know that part of the answer is probably to stop partying and just cool down for a bit, but the thought of staying home and trying to find ANYTHING to keep me occupied when i can't even seem to enjoy a fucking episode of 30 rock is just too horrible. help me please :(
@fuck fuck fuck Argh oh man awful. Yuck, depression you are the worst.
Are you going out with friends? Can you tell them in no uncertain terms to keep you away from guys you should not be fucking? Also, find a counselor stat? Also possibly call a counseling hotline if you need to? Also, and most importantly: hugs.
@fuck fuck fuck Oh darling. I know that thrill thing, I know it. I have no good advice except the boring advice of sloping what you know is right. Do you have a friend you can ask to kind of rein you in if they see you going down that path?
@iceberg DOING what you know is right. WTF, iceberg?!
@fuck fuck fuck Oof, honey. Big hugs. Echoing the advice of par_par and iceberg--do you have a person or crew you go out with that you trust, and can you talk to them about this? Sometimes it helps to have people help steer us when we can't steer ourselves.
@fuck fuck fuck That sounds more like a manic episode, I'm thinking? I just had a fun four day one after years of being on meds. It majorly snuck up on me and I burned some pretty big bridges. For me, it always starts with not sleeping, followed by that deep down hunger to fuck shit up. I just want to drink and sleep around and drive fast cars and burn it all down. And the obsessions of ridiculous proportions that are SO embarrassing afterwards(texting my husbands schlubby best friend, convinced that we have 'something' ...yikes!) I don't know if you've been diagnosed or treated for Bipolar ever, but I'd look into it if you've only ever been treated for depression. Hang in there! Get some sleep and try to be kind to yourself.
One of my friends whom I've had a teenage-esque crush on for a while is now single. So now that shit is TEMPTING. I'm crazy about that guy.
But, I'm in a (hour-distance, see each other on weekends) LDR. Which is going pretty ok. Like I'm crazy about him and stuff. And as far as long-term things goes, he's much more compatible than the friend. Like with "what we want out of life" things, and we've talked about our Future and we want each other to be in it.
Anyway, I just wish I could give the friend a spin. I feel like it'd be a blast. But it wouldn't be forever, and my current relationship probably will be (if I don't end it for a stupid reason like this).
@baked bean Maybe you can use those feelings of potential to brighten up your current relationship? I dunno, that's what advice columns always suggest.
Ugh but I have that friend and he's single now but he's far away now! Gah.
@mystique Gahh. And I like the friends-first thing so muchhhh. It works pretty well usually.
One thing that helps curb the desire is that he is a good guy, so there'd be no him trying to steal me away or anything. Which.... is just another attribute of his that makes me want him. It was just easier to tell myself no when he was also in a relationship.
I am mad at my boyfriend so I plan on eating stuffed-crust pizza in his bed as revenge. It'll help me to move on.
@mystique gahhh okay I just googled how old John Green actually is, and he is not twice my age (he's 35 to my 20 (I guess I am younger than most Hairpinners? I have no idea)). And yes, I have seen that video and it is THE most adorable thing.
My week has been crazy. Accidentally remembered why I still have lingering feelings for my ex. And that he still has them for me. And we got together and oops. But situations are not good to date again, nothing's changed. He's still way too far away and I can't do long distance. Or even a serious relationship-- ours had been open, but still emotion-intensive.
Just. Ugh. Inconvenient situations.
Other than that, I've got an official diagnoses and help- major depressive disorder with anxious elements. And Zoloft and buspirone. It's glorious. I'm super anxious (... yes, the side effects of the medicine to make me not anxious makes me anxious, the irony is glorious) about the side effects though. Anyone have experience? You can email me at doves wing at hotmail . com without the spaces and obviously with an at sign if you don't want to discuss it here or anything.
@Shayna I've never taken Buspirone but I was on Zoloft for a few years and I remember the most prominent side effect being a sort of "flat" feeling, which is sort of hard to describe. It wasn't apathy and it wasn't fatigue, it was just... flatness. In retrospect it was probably just as much a product of my frequent and powerful insomnia as a teenager.
@Danzig! Heh one of the things the doctor I saw said was that sleep deprivation has a little cadre of symptoms that also look like depression and when you have both they exacerbate each other...
That's interesting though, I'd test it, but I'm also an intense insomniac.
Amid everyone's bigger problems, does anyone have a clue what spraycans of thermal water are actually for? You know, like the little metal cans Evian makes? A mini one came with the fancy sunscreen I bought last week. I sprayed it on my face, and it...felt like spraying cold water on my face. Why does this exist?
@Faintly Macabre HAHA, that stuff cracks me up. I will say that the doc I used to work for sold it in his skin care center, and there were people who had VERY sensitive skin who swore by it and used it instead of toner. LaRoche-Posay was the brand we sold.
It feels pretty nice on a sunburn, too, but, uh, wouldn't any cool water feel good on that? Ahhh, still laughing about canned face water. Hoo boy.
@raised amongst catalogs It is LaRoche-Posay brand! I bought their fancy sunscreen because it's cheaper here than back home and I'd heard so many good things--including from my dermatologist. (Question 2: does LaRoche-Posay hypnotize all dermatologists into loving their stuff, or is it actually better?)
But why couldn't they buy distilled water or fancy mineral water and splash that on their face? Were their faces too sensitive to touch, and they instead had to spray water on them and then shake their faces around to dry them? And plain water doesn't seem like very effective toner! Oh, so many questions.
@Faintly Macabre Ok, I'm going to be honest - I'm REALLY into those little cans! I mainly use them on planes, when you start feeling all dried out and puffy and horrriiibllee. They feel glorious! Also I've found a quick spritz to be good at setting makeup and giving you a nice glowy look, rather than totally matte. Assuming that you're going for the Madonna-in-her-ray-of-light-amazing-skin-phase look.
@Faintly Macabre LR-P is actually a great brand. Their sunscreens in particular get high marks! I can use them on my sensitive face and I don't break out. Because of the price, though, I think I sometimes use LESS than I should because I am trying to "save" it. Not good.
That LR-P water is THERMAL SPRING WATER and they advertise it as being in "microdroplet" form for better penetration into your skin. I don't know any science but that seems...silly and possibly untrue?
@TinaBelcher I never thought about them for setting makeup. I am all for glowy, so I may have to try it. I think I still have a can of water around here somewhere...
@Faintly Macabre I heard it's good for airplanes but you have to moisturize afterward or else the water evaporates and dries you out more.
@Faintly Macabre It is THE BEST. I feel rather guilty to admit this, but I love them. I use about two of them during a hot summer for 1) spritzing myself when it's to hot to live and also my boyfriend because he reacts like a cat that's, well... sprayed with water, hihi 2) if my skin gets all dried out and feels too "stretched", very soothing.
Advice for living/travelling internationally, please! I have a pretty awesome, but difficult decision. I have two friends living in rural Taiwan, who are planning to leave at the end of this year, and they've been asking me to come visit them. Also, my mother and my aunt are planning a trip to Latvia to visit my grandfather's home country and to see the half sister neither have ever met, and are ALSO asking me to go with them. I can really only afford one or the other. I've pretty much never traveled anywhere, and the whole idea seems slightly intimidating. How do I choose?!
@MilesofMountains Which of these countries has more things you want to do? Also, who do you think makes a better traveling companion? It sounds like Latvia has more to recommend it as a destination (how many first meetings with long lost relatives are you going to get, really?) but if being trapped with your aunt and mom for however long would be more than mildly annoying normally, it could get seriously unpleasant in the practicality-enforced closeness of a trip abroad. This applies to your friends in Taiwan, too, of course, but it's perhaps more solvable in that case because they'll be your hosts, and if they try to handle you too much you can just say thanks for the guidance, but I think I'd just like to explore on my own for today. This is harder to do with traveling companions, since there's the dependence goes two ways.
On the flip side of that, I guess, which of these trips is less replicable? Will visits to your half-aunt in Latvia become a regular thing you could go on later? Are your friends in Taiwan there for the long term, or at least out of the country for the long term? Could you visit them again a few years from now if you save your pennies? Basically since you have to lose one of these opportunities, which one could you un-lose later, and which will be lost for good?
While I have you here listening to me bloviate, I'd like to take a paragraph or two to talk about philosophy: in the Cawendaw school of travel, all plans must be made to make memories, and all experiences must be fun. What I mean by the first thing is that as far is as practical you should seek out things you think will make an impression on your memory. Often this means things you haven't seen before, but don't seek out the unfamiliar if you're already bored by the idea if it (e.g. Worlds biggest ball of twine but you have no interest in twine). Follow your curiosity. Also record things in a way you think will be memorable. I find notes more evocative than photos, so if souvenirs or rubbings or scrap booking or movies or whatever works best for you, make sure you bring the necessary equipment.
Now to the part about everything having to be fun: this is a piece of advice my professor gave me my year abroad and I've tried to keep to it. You have to commit yourself to having fun, and if you have an experience you're iffy about try to err on the side if enjoying it. Now obviously this doesn't apply to unpleasant or uncomfortable situations, but if it's something like a weird food or a piece of traditional music that sounds like the death throes of a cat with laryngitis, will yourself to enjoy it and usually you will. By the same rule, if you go abroad expecting to be homesick and disappointed, you will be. The thing about negative emotions is that it's easy for them to become a contest, especially if you're in a group. If someone else is bored and jaded it's easy to be even more bored and jaded, or at least a similar amount of bored and jaded because bored and jaded is apparently what we're doing on this trip and you don't want to stand out, do you?
Resolve to have fun no matter what (again, as long as you are safe and comfortable). Get lost? Fun wandering adventure! Lose half your luggage? Shopping adventure! Miss the train? Alternate transport quest adventure! Can't read the menu? Point and hope for the best adventure (this assumes you have no food allergy worries; if you do, before you leave have someone write "I am allergic to X" in the applicable language on a card or a piece of paper you can show to waitstaff). It is all an adventure and you are awesome for doing all of it.
Try to mix knowledge and improvisation. This goes for both you and your hosts, whoever they turn out to be. Make use of their experience and whatever touristy information services you feel excited about (I personally like wikitravel because it's practical and doesn't build your expectations too high), but also try to make your own mark on the trip. Depending on your ambition and how much you actually like to plan, that could mean going halfway across the country, or insisting on visiting that shop over there for no good reason. Even if the trip isn't yours, exactly, do something to make it yours.
Now for the purely practical which you also didn't ask for buy I'm giving it to you anyway because I am a terrible unforgivable narcissist and in love with the sound of my own voice: if you don't know how to shop for something in another language, bring it. This mostly applies to toiletries, but to a lesser extent electronics, too (iPod adapter cables and such). Speaking of adapter cables, find out what the power standard is and what appliances will/ won't work. Also find out if you'll need plug adapters and get some if you do. Never be without emergency money or your passport. If you can't make yourself understood in spoken English, try written English. If that fails, never underestimate the power if gestures and expressive sound effects. If you are unsure of the etiquette, imitate the people around you. Keep your socks dry. Have fun! Tell us all about it!
DID SOMEONE ASK FOR STRONG OPINIONS ON GOING ABROAD?
Dang, my phone battery's dying. If I don't write a huge text dump by tomorrow, though, assume that wild horses have dragged me away, because nothing else could.
It's Spring Break, so I went home and I drank some beer and I played Bioshock: Infinite (piyl: The Matrix, Inception, Beauty and the Beast) which was good. Insane and GORGEOUS and good. I fretted about my receding hairline, got a haircut that was not flattering, signed up to volunteer at the Denver Rescue Mission and they managed to lose track of their coordinator both times I showed up. I've spent the last week arguing with nerds over the violence intrinsic to revolutionary movements and internalized prejudice. And the weather's been amazing. I have put work out of my mind and am relaxing. It's quite nice.
I also talked to my parents about changing programs and / or schools, which would be the second time in as many years that I've done so (schools, not programs). In a bizarre reversal of routine, my mom heard me out and was supportive of my reasons for doubting the path I'm currently on, and my dad got frustrated because what I'd rather be doing (relatively simple and direct practical programming work) is beneath me and my intellect. So they're trying to persuade me that all the reasons this program is a mistake are not reasons.
Hope everyone quit smoking and danced with someone this week.
@Danzig! Ooh! Two Thoughts: I think receding hairlines are hot. I'm really into maturity and I totes associate that with maturity. So. AND I haven't danced with anyone this week so let's dance, Danzig! :D
*hopes you're dancing otherwise this is weird*
*stops caring and dances more*
@Danzig! Oooh it's so good to hear you liked the new Bioshock game. I've been wanting to get it because the trailers made it look awesome but I wasn't sure if it was all hype.
Also, if you end up quitting the program you're in don't feel bad! People get so down on people quitting grad programs but it's such buckshot, there's nothing wrong with realizing a path was bad for you and changing it. If you had a job you didn't like no one would mind if you quit that. Maybe start looking for programming jobs, in an area that you'd like to live in, and apply from within the program, that way you can get hired and then quit and go straight into a job.
I just scrubbed, mopped, cleaned and bleached the linoleum kitchen floor of a college apartment (occupied by three male undergraduates plus me), whose floor was not previously cleaned since May 2012. It is now shiny. It took one hour and twenty minutes. I'm very proud of myself.
@Ellie great feeling, isn't it? The trick now is, getting somebody else to do it next time.
Ugh, I know it's super-late in the thread but whatever, I am tipsy and Open Threads are lovely and my first relationship ever ended this week after a year and a half. I KIND OF knew it was coming but... it's still hard D:
On the bright side, my BFF made me watch The Princess Bride yesterday (I know, I know, how did I get to age 22 without having seen it?) and it was SO WONDERFUL.
(Also, Game of Thrones!!)
@alicia I'm always sort of bemused by people calling late-PM Friday "late in the thread", it usually stays active through Saturday with replies bouncing around through Sunday or Monday!
Sorry to hear about yr breakup, but it sounds like you're in a good place despite the hassle.
My boyfriend of a month and a half (we'd dated for a couple months before we got together) and I just broke up, and I feel relieved and awesome. He is smart and so handsome and has the coolest interests and hobbies, but our communication styles didn't match and it was wearing both of us down and added stress and anxiety to our lives. So this feels great!
@Lyesmith I'm going through almost exactly the same situation right now but I don't feel relieved or awesome! I feel really sad! Really sad :(
@Gulf of Finland I'm a bit sad about it today (although I was very relieved the night we had the conversation, and the entire day yesterday), but in a general "will anyone ever love me the way I want to be loved" way. The thing is that feeling terrible about the relationship was worse than not being in it anymore, and with the peculiarities of my personal issues following the fucked up train of thought of "he doesn't express he likes me - he doesn't like me - I'm not worthy of being liked" and him having struggled with expressing himself his entire life, our issues were not compatible but exacerbated each other in a bad way. And frankly, the damage my self-esteem took wasn't worth it for what I was getting out of it. He's a great guy and we both told each other we think the other person cool/smart/awesome in many ways, but we just can't make each other feel good in a relationship. I'd rather have an awesome friend than an unfulfilling relationship where I wonder why I can't make this wonderful person feel happy - and vice versa!
@Lyesmith Yes! Yes. This is the conclusion I've come to after two days of thinking and thinking about it. I'm not mourning this specific relationship with this man; I'm mourning the fact that I'm once again being reminded that I may never find the sort of partnership that I'm looking for, or that it may take much longer than I'd like. But I'm already more comfortable because I've realized that my partner and I were both playing pretend. He was pretending he could communicate and share his life when, in reality, he's a very private independent person, and I was pretending that he was the sort of person who I wanted to make a huge part of my life.
As much as I don't wish this sort of deal on anyone it's really reassuring and calming to know that someone is going through what sounds like such, such a similar situation. I'm ultimately very happy for both of us - you, Hairpin stranger, and I - for knowing what we need and knowing we're better off this way.
@Gulf of Finland Right, precisely. Wanting to be wanted and cared for in a relationship is a pretty basic prerequisite, and you and I get to have those needs, and to have them fulfilled. Other people also get to want partners with needs and communication levels that match theirs, even if it won't be you or I.
For my ex, being told he was distant and wanting to talk about feelings made him feel pressured instead of more open, and I found that I was starting to try to make my needs seem smaller and to be less "demanding", which is so preposterous, because mutual affection and attention and care shouldn't be a demand but a pleasant experience for both parties. Once I felt he lost interest, I couldn't sustain interest myself.
In fact, I'm kind of burned out on dating right now - not because the guy I broke up with wasn't awesome and I'm glad to have met him, but because there has to be a more low-key way to connect to people that doesn't result in such an emotional whiplash (for both people). Maybe I should just stick to making new friends for now.
@Lyesmith I had to tell myself over and over that my needs are legitimate and not some problem to be solved.
I'm in the same place. As anxious as I get not knowing the next time I'll be able to sleep next to someone, I need to be single for awhile right now.
Today I helped my boss download an app. His first app, for the iPhone. He's 65, and curses loudly at his phones from behind his cubicle. He likes it when I laugh at him, though - literally, out loud - and ask him what's wrong, because then he can segue into one of his long stories.
I spent about three hours today listening to stories. No joke. I have literally no other work to do right now, though, because it's our slow season. (We work in a small department.)
He is so silly! Oh, boss. He actually growled at his iPhone today. "I think I accidentally took a picture of the floor again."
And then he told me about the time he accidentally spent the evening with the author of The Godfather books without knowing who he was.
@Queen of Pickles This whole thing made me chuckle indulgently. Your boss is kind of a delight.
Every week I vow not to overshare/whine about pregnancy on the FOT, and nearly every week I break this vow, so I'm really sorry for what I'm about to do....I was told nearly a month ago that I did not have gestational diabetes and that I'd just have to go to some kind of diet class because my last reading on the long glucose tolerance test was slightly high. Two days before my last OB appointment (yesterday), a nurse called me, told me I was "glucose intolerant," though not a gestational diabetic, and that I'd have to go to the class (fine) and also see an endocrinologist for instruction on how to use the finger sticking machine. This bummed me out because a) "glucose intolerant" just means "gestational diabetic" all over the internet, and b) I had this abusive, controlling diabetic ex-boyfriend and finger sticking machines give me nasty flashbacks of events I'd rather forget, and c) they'd been letting me skip around jubilantly doing nothing and having white rice and the occasional modest cookie for nearly a month, and suddenly my situation is apparently much more dire AND it will be some time before I get further instruction about it.
I went to my appointment, and a different nurse told me I had "impaired glucose tolerance," NOT "glucose intolerance," and that since I'm in (tfuitfuitfui) good shape and my family has no diabetes in it and only one number was high and slightly high at that, I may not have to test my blood for very long (like a matter of weeks), and may be able to control things solely with diet. So then I was checking out, and the admin lady tried to set me up with an endocrinologist for the day before that one (basically, she seemed quite confused and not all there, mentally), acted bewildered and annoyed when I asked about the diet class and would not give me a definite answer, and told me I would also have a meeting with a pediatrician before the baby is born, though she could not tell me why and got very annoyed when I asked (the nurse and OB had not said anything about this). She got another, slightly smarter-sounding woman to explain to me in a sort of placating-the-lunatic way that the prenatal pediatrician was for gestational diabetes, but even SHE couldn't tell me why or how. I mean, I guess there are fetal nonstress tests, but surely they could SAY that if that's what's going to happen? I think OBs do those anyway....
I'm also annoyed because I had the same results as a recently pregnant family member (in the US though, not here in Canada) who was only told not to ingest lots of sugar at once (no blood testing, no nothing). And because it's Good Friday and I won't get any answers about what a prenatal pediatrician does or why I need one until Monday at the earliest (googling just yielded more scary fetal conditions having absolutely nothing to do with GD, let alone what I have). I'm also quite anxious that I'll have to fight to get them to send me to the diet class (I've fallen through the cracks in the otherwise awesome Canadian health system before, and experience has taught me not to sit and wait for everything to work out), and that some idiot (not my nurse or OB but someone else) wrote "peds" instead of "diet" in my file and that it'll take a long time to straighten the mistake out. I also wish there was more information out there strictly for impaired glucose patients since it's not the same as GD, and not just barely readable-to-the-layperson studies that describe doomsday scenarios (when the actual statistics are, if you can read to that point, 2-3 people per 1000 experiencing said doomsday scenarios). Also, why are people in the medical establishment so surprised and annoyed when patients want to know what's going on? I mean, we're pregnant PEOPLE, not pregnant COWS. Besides all this crap, pregnancy is actually a lot of fun, but DAMN.
@siniichulok How insanely frustrating! I was diagnosed with GD a couple of weeks ago, but nearly all of my blood testings (I have to test 7x a day, yeesh) have been normal, and my PCP called to tell me that my bloodwork looks normal and that I should take my diagnosis with a grain of salt.
It sounds like you already know what to do and how to take care of yourself; I think the same diet advice that you read for diabetics would still apply to your situation (small meals, combining different kinds of macronutrients, no "white" foods like sugar/flour/rice) and certainly can't hurt, healthwise, no matter what your situation is. (She said blithely, knowing nothing about impaired glucose tolerance.)
The most frustrating thing here is the parade of incompetent medical professionals, but it sounds like you'll be okay, healthwise. And the finger-pricking isn't too bad!
@siniichulok Ohhhh mama, do NOT get me started on the anti-information bullshit in the medical establishment, especially when it comes to pregnant women. Remember those ads awhile back about asking your doctor questions after a checkup? They made me want to throw anything not nailed down at my screen, because SERIOUSLY, I mean it's great to encourage people to ask questions, but a) we have this like doctor-worship (well, expert-worship) complex in the West to the point that anyone who questions a medical professional is automatically a crackpot hippie weirdo who probably believes in the healing power of purple crystals, etc., etc. stereotypes, and b) how hideously unfeminist does a doctor have to be to basically pat his patient on the head and tell her to just do what he says like a good little girl? Frickin hulksmash, man. *tears hair out*
Also, a quick google tells me that IGT can just mean your body doesn't react well to that horrible sugary drink on an empty stomach? Isn't it just a borderline reaction to the GTT that doesn't quite get to the level of GD? Because I feel like fear of litigation makes OBs prone to be overly cautious about GD even though the GTT is like the most extreme way to test for GD EVER and results in a lot of false positives.
Can you take someone with you to your next appointment to be a support for you to insist on knowing exactly what the issue is, and your treatment OPTIONS (not requirements; it's your body and your baby and your decision)? I've done this for friends a couple times. I think it's helpful to write down in advance exactly what you want to know as well. I don't think you have to fight, necessarily, just let them know that you want to be informed before you make ANY medical decision or go on ANY treatment.
And meanwhile... I agree with @miss buenos aires -- sounds like you know how to take care of yourself. And hugs to you for the stress craziness. :(
Internship/job hunting is so stressful.
Everyone wants an actual college student (not rising college student) with a 90 day work commitment.
I start college in mid-August I can't do that.
... anyone know anyone hiring for pretty much anything not math or science related in the Boston area? I make a great go-fer or PA. I can use social media, type, write well, and drive. Also pretty good with people.
@Shayna I'm not sure where you're looking but my first advice is to not pay too much attention to the work commitment requirements. If an employer is requesting 90 days, and you're only available for 80, or 60, apply anyway. Just don't mention it in your cover letter. Scheduling is usually the last thing to address in internship/employment situations. THAT SAID, I actually DO know of a nonprofit in Boston (my former employer) that hires interns for short- or long-term, and PAYS them (such a rarity in nonprofit world). Tasks vary from the administrative, to the marketing/publicity-skewed, to writing/drafting, and social media. Email me if you'd be interested: claire [dot] gunner [at] gmail.
@tea for all Oh my goodness, really? I will absolutely email you, thanks!
Also that's interesting about the scheduling, I didn't know that.
Maritza's Weekly FoT Catharsis Rant: So I've always had a tendency to be way, way too hard on myself. Sort of a classic perfectionism gone sour, nasty self-talk, etc. And it's becoming more of a problem lately and really holding me back from - EVERYTHING - I want and need to achieve. And I'm trying to start seriously working on it. BUT THE STUPID THING IS now, when I start having these nasty self-insulting thoughts...I feel bad for having those thoughts....and essentially end up in a doom spiral of beating myself up FOR beating myself up. And then beating myself up over how stupid THAT is.
So like. Gah. I'm not asking for advice (because, I know, lots and lots of therapy is my only hope - I don't have the time or money for that right now, I'm trying to just get a handle on myself, reading some books, talking to wise friends and family when I can) just sort of needed to blurt. And if anyone else does the same thing, high-five.
@Countess Maritza Beating yourself up for beating yourself up? Oh, high fives all around then.
@Countess Maritza What I needed was a strategy, that I built up over time, to ground myself and break the circuit of my thoughts. You have to be able to (a) step back and recognize when that spiral's happening, (b) recognize that it will pass and you will feel better, (c) recognize that your thoughts aren't true (the hardest part) and (d) have a way of distracting yourself. I know it seems like there's nothing that will but once you start something it's easier than you'd think. Put a good game on your phone, sing along to music, etc.
@Countess Maritza I do the same thing all the time. One thing that helps me (and my mom, from whom I inherited these tendencies) is to listen to Pema Chödrön's books on tape, preferably while soaking in the tub. She has some very good tips for breaking cycles of negative thought and developing a more loving and curious attitude toward oneself. I know this may all sound a little too new-age, but she has a great down-to-earth manner that really works for me.
@B.Pym I've just started reading Csikszentmihalyi on "flow states", which feel a little more applicable to my situation (I'd prefer to focus on channeling my energy into work and feeling better through that, rather than try to achieve inner peace *then* get good at my work, if that makes sense) but I'll make a note of Pema Chodron anyway. A little new agey woo is nice now and again :)
@Countess Maritza Grrrrrl, high fives from me too.
And I basically want to steal everything that @Danzig! wrote, and add in under (c) to replace untrue thoughts with true thoughts. So yes, those thoughts are not true, now what IS true? Sometimes this is a good place to bring in a friend when you can't remember what's true about you and life and the world.
@Countess Maritza Sad high five of commiseration.
@Danzig! That's a really awesome coping strategy. Good on you, and good on you for posting it here. I'm yoinking this for myself for the future...
Hey friday. Not a lot of cheer in Spring it feels like?
I was out dancing late last night when I got a text from an ex who I had all the feelings for, except instead of crumbling in a corner and bawling, I replied with a "fuck off" and continued dancing. Today, I feel GLORIOUS!
@Best pun ever. That is awesome. Carry on.
@Best pun ever. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
@Best pun ever. YOU GO, BEST PUN EVER. FOUR FOR YOU, BEST PUN EVER.
@Best pun ever. You are my hero!!
Not sure anyone will read this now, but ... I'm feeling like rubbish now and I need to get this off my chest ...
So it's a friend's birthday tonight, big party at his place (happening right now!). This friend is a dear friend of my partner's, more an acquaintance to me personally (although I like him well). Partner and I were hanging out at home, just chilling and preparing to go over there. But as we were leaving, things went bad for me. I have anxiety issues for which I take medication and which I usually manage well, but ... somehow I freaked out majorly.
It's a vicious cycle - I get anxious, then upset, then angry at myself for being upset, then more upset, etc etc. And I don't even know why! I was being totally irrational, and I knew that and I felt even worse, and blah blah blah, the banalities and ugliness of such a situation.
And my partner didn't know what to do. At this point we were well en route, on a main street in town, and I just couldn't stop crying.
After a while my partner left and I went home. Now I'm chez moi, wondering why the hell I was acting that way, why I couldn't have gone to a party where I actually would have enjoyed myself, why I create such drama (even if unintentional). Am I secretly sabotaging myself? am I so self-centred? why do I manufacture this drama? There was nothing, no point to any of it, and now I'm home alone and calmer, but feeling awful still.
UGH. UGH. I just hope that someone can hear me.
@supercat I'm sorry that happened to you, supercat.
Here's the thing, though. Emotions don't always make sense because they often aren't related to the actual situation you're going through. The party may have triggered your anxiety, but it didn't cause it, and trying to connect the two will only make you feel frustrated and helpless.
If you're not in therapy already, I strongly suggest you look into it. A professional will dig deeper with you to find out where your anxiety is coming from and help you manage it. Personally, I find it useful to separate myself into two people, Rational Me and Emotional Me. While Emotional Me doesn't make sense a lot of the time, I have learned (still learning!) to change the voice of Rational Me from "What is wrong with you, you dumbass, why are you reacting this way over nothing?" to "Hey now, it's okay. These feelings are terrifying, but that's all they are - feelings. They can't hurt you".
@supercat It seems that what exacerbates your anxiety is feeling guilty about it and second-guessing your motives about why you're doing it (drama? sabotage? self-centered?). But the real reason you are doing it is because you have an anxiety disorder. It's real and it's not something you're doing to get attention, and you deal with it like you do with any medical issue - with medication and therapy. So maybe you need to accept that you have anxiety, but also to forgive yourself for it. You seem to be awfully hard on yourself about something that's out of your control. And being hard on yourself about it makes your anxiety worse. It's a vicious cycle! So the next time you have an anxiety attack, just sink into it. Ride it out. Accept that sometimes, you are going to feel these emotions and that they're not your fault. And if you stop beating yourself up about it, you will be better equipped to manage it in the long run. Best of luck to you!
P.S. You get to be a person who struggles with issues and who still deserves love and care and isn't any lesser for it. And sometimes, the person you need that love and care from is yourself.
@Lyesmith @Best pun ever. Reasons #4823 and #4824 why I love the Hairpin. This is seriously smart, kind, generous advice and I love y'all for giving it.
@supercat I don't know if you'll see this rambly reply or not (I'm always so late to the FOT party) but I wanted to say hooooo-ee I have been there and thank you for posting and I hope you are already feeling better! In fact I was almost there tonight with a party... I am lucky to have a partner that has learned to help me chill out when it is turning ugly, rather than freaking out/making it worse. I used to date someone that was not shy about letting me know how inconvenient my anxiety was at times like this, and now I am with someone who treats it like no big deal (in a good way). Things have gotten better for me since I've taken some steps to reduce the general stress in my life wherever possible (along with pro help) and now I can have nights like tonight where I melt down only a tiny bit while getting ready and then recover and feel very self-congratulatory at the party, instead of nights of shame-weeping about an anxiety tantrum until I am sick. On those nights of shame-weeping I went through a lot of fruitless 'why am I like this I must be a secretly terrible person' punishment, and a big gift I was given was to hear how many of my friends and others had similar meltdowns from time to time. It helped me to feel less out of control and less abnormal (and a lot less like they would think I was secretly a terrible person). I also started putting my finger on some of special triggers (for me, situations in which other people are in control of my schedule/activities), and that helped me prepare a bit better.
Hugs and good hopes to you! I hope you have some loves around you but please accept my internet ones anyway!
@supercat This is super late, but your feelings are legitimate and real and they're okay and taking care of yourself is okay too! You're not self-centered, you have anxiety attacks. They don't always happen for a reason (although it's nice to pin them on something because frankly having panic attacks for no reason at all is almost more irritating and seemingly irrational).
Hope you feel better!
Here is a question about feeling ungrateful. In general, I feel like my family knows me very well. But when it comes to gifts, it's like a relentless onslaught of vegetarian cookbooks. I've gotten at least five cookbooks in the last year and a half. For Xmas, my sisters bought me a gift certificate to a fancy vegetarian restaurant, and I said something about how much I appreciated it because I already had so many great cookbooks and this was a lot less work. Then I just got that restaurant's cookbook for my birthday. It's a nice cookbook, but like I said, it is a *fancy* restaurant, and I don't have a smoker, a chinois, a food mill, any of the fixings for molecular gastronomy, an ice cream machine, a candy thermometer or the patience to roast anything for 24 hours. I guess I just kind of feel like it is a lazy present for a vegetarian (even though I do like to cook).
How can I let my family know in a very, very nice way that I don't need or want any more cookbooks?
Actually, I kind of want the new Martha Stewart cookbook, but that would only confuse the issue.
@miss buenos aires Ask them for specific non-cookbook things you want instead? (You could start by asking for a smoker, a chinois, or a food mill, if you actually want to make those recipes.) Of course this requires that you're organized and want Specific Things when Christmas and birthdays roll around, which isn't usually true for me.
I felt sort of awkward after I bought Yotam Ottolenghi's "Plenty" for my dad, and then discovered that almost all the recipes have rare or expensive ingredients. I hope he actually uses it.
@miss buenos aires I would ask for something specific that you DO want. Not hint, ask. It's not rude to ask, it's only rude to pout if you don't get it, and I know you won't do that. Most people (me, for instance, who hates shopping) are relieved to have some of the guesswork taken out. Given a genre of gift they still have choices to make that will personalize it as their gift to you.
Shoot for something in the same price range/ease of buying so you're likely to get it. A different type of book? Dvds? Flowers? Gift certificates for the fancy greengrocer or bakery? Power tools? You see where I'm going with this.
They want to get you something you like - they just get a creativity short circuit about what to get and go the default setting of cookbook.
These are excellent suggestions... I actually do have some things up my sleeve that I want to ask specific people to buy for me (my sister: a ribbon belt; my mother: a high-quality garlic press, the kind of pepper mill that you can just squeeze instead of rotating), but I kind of forgot to be proactive about it, so that's on me. I did call my parents to tell them about a play I really wanted to see, and my other sister ended up getting me tickets, so that worked out well! I also don't want to come off as presumptuous.
@miss buenos aires
Yeah, ask for specific things! I asked my brother to give me a thermos that didn't spill and I could throw in my bag, and he was like, WHAT, DOES THAT EVEN EXIST, and I was like, mua ha ha ha, and then he found it and bought it and it is the awesomest thing ever.
And resell those fancy new cookbooks on Amazon! No guilt, girl. Possessions fade/go away, heirlooms break, family sticks around. Buy something you'll use.
@Queen of Pickles Wait, what thermos is that?!
@miss buenos aires Set up an Amazon wish list! My dad loves giving gifts but is really terrible at picking them out, which meant we routinely got chia pets for Christmas. I sent him the link and he was pretty relieved because it took out the guess work for him and he liked knowing that he was getting something I would definitely use.
@Priscilla Peel Any of the steel ones by Contigo!
@Queen of Pickles also, Plenty is awesome! easier to cook from in a diverse urban area, but many recipes are not as hard as you would think, and the fanciest equipment required is a blender.
Ugh, I could be posting this to any number of social media accounts, but the FoT is so friendly and anonymous, you know? I would just give anything for a full night's sleep right now -- I haven't had one in about a month. It started because my hips hurt in the night, even though I'm not really that big for mid second trimester, so I bought a foam mattress topper and a funky pregnancy pillow which worked for like, two nights. Now I wake up at 3-4 am every single night with my hips bugging me and having to pee, and then if I am lucky I go back to sleep by 6. I've tried every good sleep thing I know of, I go to bed at 10:30 every night (I'm tired by 9 but worried I'll just wake up even earlier), and Benadryl used to make me sleep through the night but it's quit working. I also have to get up by 9 to drive my husband to work if I don't want to be stranded without the car. I haven't had more than six hours in weeks and I am a bad napper (plus I don't want to take away any of my night-sleeping potential), so I'm just draggy all the time.
And these hours suck so much. My hips hurt and go numb so there's no comfortable position, my stomach hurts because I have all these GI problems, and my brain won't shut up. I'm not working, so I know that contributes to not being exhausted enough to just sleep through the night, but I can't even exercise much because I get sciatic low back pains. Instead I just lay here and stress over how badly my body is dealing with being pregnant, plus every other little thing on my mind.
The only good thing is I guess in a few months I will already be prepared to not sleep. Sigh. :(
Also, my pregnant friends have had good luck with heat therapy, like a rice bag or similar warmed in the microwave, on their achy joints. And naps don't have to interfere with your nighttime sleep! If you can fall asleep before 1 pm and wake up before 2 pm, it shouldn't make you sleep less at night.
@sophia_h I know this is not really what you are asking, but does your back pain allow you to swim? Everyone is telling me that swimming is the best exercise. (Unfortunately pool access can be expensive and inconvenient...)
Thanks guys -- I do have a hot pack, I just never want to go all the way downstairs in the night, but I might have to try that. And swimming would be fine, I'm sure, I just don't have a pool in my apartment complex anymore. It is a thought for when it warms up though!
@sophia_h Is there a way to make the hot pack accessible upstairs? I cannot think of a way of doing this that doesn't involve a microwave upstairs, but depending on your particular hot pack something might be workable? I hope you're feeling better soon!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher could you cl a second microwave if you don't want to move yours? like, a tiny one possibly in a bathroom near your room? or your room?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Or use a hot water bottle and have a kettle next to your bed to heat the water?
@sophia_h Get a massage? If you have health insurance that covers chiropractic visits, you might be able to get it covered. If paying out of pocket, find a therapist who specializes in prenatal massage.
Or prenatal yoga? Or both?
Meditation might help with quieting the brain/insomnia.
@Absurd Bird I am thinking I will try to dig up a prenatal yoga DVD I like, because it looks like preventing the pain is the only way to get sleep. Once it hurts, I'm up.
And I am the workd's worst meditator. I can't get my brain to calm down, and then I start stressing, and it turns into a spiral of getting more anxious about it until I have to stop.
So I doubt anyone is going to make it all the way down here, but ... any success stories about getting and staying sober more than a few months? Tips (other than not drinking?)
@sullafelix Emily McCombs has written a bunch on xojane about her sobriety - I think she's just passed 5 years.
@angelinha thank you so much will check it out!
Aaaaaaaaaah I missed the FOT because I was on a bus to my hometown, and then as I stepped off the bus my ankle FOLDED and I fell on my face and almost passed out. (The sensation of almost passing out was new and interesting!) So now I am at home and making my local friends come to ME rather than tromping around my dear adorable hometown and wearing my dad's aircast over my skinny jeans. (Ankle problems: running like the bulls in Pamplona in my family.)
Hope everybody is having a good Saturday!
@anachronistique Ouch! Um yes please rest up and watch that ankle!
@anachronistique FUCKING ANKLES, MAN.
I am so late to this thread but I had to share. I live in Germany and I was hanging out with my host family and they were showing me the Süddeutsche Zeitung Magazine, and right in the middle of the magazine is 2 pages of women laughing alone with salad! Like, a direct ripoff of the Hairpin post. Most of the same pictures and everything. I was like OMGWTF.
So yeah, someone on the staff of a German magazine definitely reads The Hairpin.
@Uncommon Hussy I live in Austria (hi neighbor!) and I feel like a lot of that stuff is happening. Like once I saw a late night comedy show, and they were copying Craig Fergusons routine. Exactly. I'm not sure how they can do that and get away with it, when everyone has access to the internet nowadays, and can see that copied stuff. I mean, just the two of us are living proof.
@Uncommon Hussy Though a French guy copied Craig Ferguson a few years ago, and Craig Ferguson called him out and then had him on his show. (Linky to Today story) I wonder how he'd feel if he found out he now has an Austrian copycat?
@Uncommon Hussy Hahahaha, I actually wrote SZ a strongly worded email about that
I feel so selfish whenever I come to FOT to whine because so many of you have Legit Things To Discuss and I'm all "waaa my friends don't like me" but, to be honest, some of my friends don't like me. One of them in particular, although similar things have happened with others. So, basically, when a friend doesn't email you or talk to you as much as they used to, and cancels your plans or comes up with an excuse to get out of making any, you should just move on and stop trying to be their friend, right?
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) I think it depends a lot on the friend and their circumstances--and yours! Some people are busy busy busy--one of my closest friends is in law school and works her tail off and isn't free very often, but we do what we can. I've had other relationships lapse because people cancelled/flaked on me multiple multiple times and never put a lot of effort into rescheduling. So mostly it comes down to (a) are there legit excuses and (b) how much effort is this friendship worth? (I am sorry your friends are being butts!)
And you know this, but just as a reminder: you can talk about ANYTHING on FOT, always and forever.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher <3 u.
Okay so circumstances are that yes she is busy but yes she does seem to have time for tons of stuff that does not require her to spend any time talking to me at all.
a) There are legit excuses, and usually they're true and other times they're things that seem true, only to be disproven thanks to the power of social media, and no I'm not even purposely checking to see if she's lying to me. It just comes up.
b) I DON'T KNOW. But if this is the second or third time that I'm really upset about her acting this way, despite the fact that we used to be sorta close, I'm guessing it's probably not worth much.
I should probably admit that I've cancelled on her, too, recently, but it was definitely for legit reasons - family obligations with relatives I don't see much. (But more often than I see her, it turns out.)
And now for something less whiny: my dad turns 70 on Monday! And we're taking him out for lunch to celebrate and not at all throwing him a surprise party with his friends and a fancy cake and posters of photos of him and a menu featuring some of his favourite foods...
This is my first FOT and my god I'm all of you you're all me I love you.
@Gulf of Finland we love you/ourselves too.
So I know most people won't be on here tomorrow, but I'll give it a go anyway. My boyfriend of six months and I were chatting today and he said that he doesn't like the terms 'boyfriend ("Because I'm a man!")/girlfriend' and 'relationship.' He much prefers 'partner' and 'partnership.' He's in his mid 30s and I'm just trying to figure it out and hope it's not his way of saying that he's not that serious about us yet. Opinions?
@Mad as a Hatter! I feel like partner and partnership come off a lot more serious than boyriend/girlfriend/relationship actually. Personally, I hate the term "boyfriend" as well (it feels juvenile when it comes out of my mouth), so I am on the same page.
@Porn Peddler Thank you for replying! I think it's just something I need to get used to, no one has ever called me their partner before. He's hard to read on some stuff so I always feel like I'm over analyzing everything he says.
@Mad as a Hatter! I agree with the peddler of porn. but also talk with him about it, make sure you understand what these words mean from his pov. according to my friend's grandfather, if you have been dating for 6 mos or more, you are a partner.
@Porn Peddler I totally agree with this! "Partner" sounds, to my ear, just as committed as--or more committed than--boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't think it means anything bad!
Hey, so, I have what might sound like a terribly shallow question, BUT: I have naturally ash blonde hair. I've been dying my hair red forever, since 10th grade. Usually on the darker/more auburn side. It works really well with my coloring, and I have vague memories of blonde kind of "washing me out." Recently, to switch things up, I experimented with dark black/brown. I think it looks alright, but in several months of brunette NO ONE has said anything along the lines of "Wow, that looks incredible!" so I don't think it's doing much for me. Before switching back to reds, I'd like to try a detour through blonde maybe just to test it out, but I am genuinely a little nervous about blonde stereotypes. Am I crazy for that? I'm chronically underemployed at the moment, actively in the middle of a lot of job interviews and really really hoping for better employment soon. So I'm hyper-paranoid right now about that initial five-second impression thing. It's possible my tow-headed fellow readers are rolling their eyes at me for this (and I'm really sorry! I don't mean to insult in any way!) but does consistent blondness mean actually having to deal with dumb blonde stereotypes? I just don't really know. I'm probably just over-thinking this. Thoughts?
@applesaurus I'm a brunette and have never dyed my hair, but I have a friend who loves to color her hair, and who has had everything from very blond, to red, to dark brown hair. She *definitely* noticed that men noticed her more/treated her differently when her hair was blond. I think she both liked and disliked the attention. On the one hand, she was getting noticed more and that was great! On the other, she did say that she felt like people had a certain not-so-positive perception of her (perhaps a derivative of the "dumb blonde" stereotype?) when she was blond.
@wee_ramekin thank you! I think there's a lot of fascinating potential in looking into different ways the same person might be perceived in public just by changing a single major variable; hair color here. I dunno, though, sexy interactions with the mens are very far down on my list of priorities at the moment and wooing potential employers much higher. So I think I should probably just stick to something I'm comfortable with, at least for now, since if I change it dramatically and feel weird about it, that in and of itself might come across in interviews.
@applesaurus I used to dye my hair all different shades of red, and I got a lot more attention - negative, positive, sexy with the mens - as a redhead than as a blonde. Now I'm back to my natural blonde color, and the only "dumb blonde" stuff I get is if I actually do something dumb "oh, haha, you did that dumb thing because you're blonde, haha." But no one ever means it and it doesn't bother me.
@Kulojam thanks! just wondering, did you just let your hair fade/grow back into a natural range, dye it yourself, or go to an actual colorist? Normally I do my own coloring and brows, and with certain reds I feel I could just let it fade/grow out subtly straight into my natural color. With the dark brown I've got in there now, I'm thinking I'll either taper through auburn into blonde or MAYBE go the professional route.
@applesaurus I was a die-hard home colorist until one truly disastrous attempt at highlights about 8 years ago. So I went to a salon, where a lovely Russian lady fixed it, and subsequently guided me through my forays into red. The only reason I stopped with the red was because it faded so dang quickly and was getting to be a very expensive habit. So when I decided no more red, I let it fade to my natural color (a dark blonde) and got quarter-head highlights (the front quarter of your head - the face-framing bits -are highlighted). I always make sure to stress that I don't have the moneys/patience to be highlighting my hair every 6 weeks or whatever, and the stylist does it all subtle so i can get away with touchups every 4-6 months, depending on my cash situation.
Wow, is this ever not a good weekend. I have had to quit the sports blog I hang out because I finally expressed what I knew were unpopular opinions on a couple of players, and let myself get drawn into answering people, and even though I worked really hard to be diplomatic in my phrasing, these dudes know they don't have to and were rude as shit and basically implied that my interpretation is based on emotions (ie I am a girl) and I was a newbie who didn't get to have opinions.
Soooo I guess it's back to emailing my friend about baseball instead. I really hate dude spaces on the internet.
@sophia_h I literally did that exact same thing a few years ago. I can't look at my formerly beloved English Premiere League team the same way ever since, now that enough of its fans were complete jackasses to me over the interwebs. :(
@sophia_h oh noooo!!! I have been really lucky about the internet sports spaces available for me/my teams but what you describe is basically my greatest sports-on-the-internet fear and I am so sorry it happened to you.
Some late-weekend musings, upon deciding to stop being a mental wreck and reading some stuff on performance psychology (aw hell...call it what it is, a self-help book). The exercise it had me start with in the section on improving one's perspective, was to keep track of and actually write down every instance of negative self-talk that flits into my head throughout the day - not just notice them, but write them down on paper. Ehhh....there were a lot. Without getting into the details it actually is startlingly helpful even in one day to put them down on paper, face them, realize the patterns of thought and the general absurdity of it all......I mean I've got a ways to go but I think I can actually do this this time.
But it got me thinking. I know so many other people too for whom the absolute hardest thing to do, is to be kind to their own self. People who are generally polite, generous and kind in dealings with other people are absolutely vicious to themselves, either purely inside their heads or spilling over into physically destructive things as well....and it all just suddenly struck me as so fucking bizarre - WHY do we do this?! From an evolutionary point of view it seems like it would doom a species pretty quickly for individuals to have such a strong predilection for turning against themselves and self-loathing to the point of self-sabotage and destruction? What is is that causes a living creature, presumably possessed of a basic survival instinct and fundamental will to live, to loathe itself?!
@Countess Maritza You said it. I've thought things about myself that I would find appalling if they were said to another person. I don't know why this is.
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