(Except this one, for the most part.)
1. I was born in 1832, and I never met anyone with a food allergy. Why do all these kids have food allergies now? Weak characters.
2. My great-great-grandfather was deathly allergic to peanuts and carried an EpiPen he fashioned himself out of a whalebone.
3. Only white people have allergies. No one in Africa has allergies.
4. Me and my children are all black and none of us can eat trace amounts of gluten without pooping blood for a week.
5. All kidding aside, though, there are totally way more allergies now.
6. It's the Purell. Kids need to play in the dirt! Kids need to eat dirt. Kids need to physically have dirt inserted into their mouths and sleep on a bed of live chickens under a canopy of dead pigs.
7. If these mothers had eaten or not eaten the foods while pregnant and then skipped the epidural and breastfed for 3.5 years, the kids would be fine.
8. I ate or didn't eat the foods while pregnant and requested that someone jab me with a fork during labor and breastfed my son while he was on his first date, and he still can't see an ad for Sea Monkeys without needing to be hospitalized for his shellfish allergy.
9. When someone tells me they're allergic to something, I like to slip a little in their food to see if they're faking it.
10. SHUT UP, #7. But, are they faking it?
11. About 70% of the time I get a smug sense of satisfaction, and 30% of the time I get to hear sirens, which is my fetish anyway.
12. No, really, though, there are way more allergies, right?
13. It's the vaccines. In my day, we were too busy fighting off polio to give a shit about eggs.
14. My cousin isn't really allergic to cilantro, she just pretends to be in restaurants because she thinks it tastes like soap.
15. She thinks it tastes like soap because she has a weird gene thing I read about. Also, your cousin is a bag of dicks.
16. No, but, seriously, why are there all these allergies now?
17. It's that our immune systems are no longer busily trying to keep our tapeworms in check and the devil finds work for idle hands.
18. The real problem is that we keep all these wussy kids with their food allergies alive instead of letting them die off like nature intended.
19. You know who else suggested things like that?
20. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
21. This thread has been closed for review by a moderator.
Previous installments in this series include The Comment Section for Every Article Written About PETA and The Comment Section for Every Article Ever Written About Artificial Sweeteners.