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Thursday, March 14, 2013

104

Current and Proposed DVR Recording Options for 'Law and Order: SVU'

CURRENT

1. Record both new and first-run episodes.

2. Record all episodes until DVR is 100% full.

PROPOSED

3. Record only if any missing children are returned to their families before DICK WOLF CHUNG CHUNG.

4. Record only if not part of a dull four-episode crossover domestic terrorism arc.

5. Record only if filmed prior to Detective Elliot Stabler's sudden off-screen departure from the series at the beginning of Season Thirteen.

6. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler holds a victim against his chest in a gesture of warm, paternal sympathy.

7. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler is wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt that shows one or more of his tattoos.

8. Record only in the absence of a character with diminished mental capacity who doesn't know what they are doing and cries helplessly on the stand.

9. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler punches a perp in the face and calls him a "sicko."

10. Record only if Detective Olivia Benson and Detective Elliot Stabler have a moment of potential sexual tension.

11. Record only if episode features sexual tension between Detective Olivia Benson and Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot.

12. Record only if the guilty perpetrator is successfully prosecuted.

13. Record only if the imprisoned trans rape victim is not murdered immediately upon arriving at Rikers Island.

14. Record only if the storyline is ripped from the headlines you, personally, are likely to have followed.

15. Record only if all children survive the episode.

16. Record only if we see some of Detective Elliot Stabler's home life with Kathy and the kids.

17. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler goes undercover as a blue-collar worker and wears slightly different clothes than usual.

18. Record only if the dedicated detectives and the individuals who prosecute these crimes do not do things that make you feel uncomfortable as a progessive with serious concerns about the manner in which our justice system fails minorities.

19. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler and Detective Olivia Benson have to pose as a married couple and touch each other slightly, but hesitantly. Hesitantly at first, but then they relax into their roles. He's trying to think about Kathy and the kids, but only Detective Olivia Benson really understands what he goes through every day, trying to keep these sicko perps off the street. She looks pretty in that dress. Softer. Think about Kathy and the kids. Wait, why is Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot here? And what is she wearing?

104 Comments / Post A Comment

PatatasBravas

The fact that you included

Record only if the guilty perpetrator is successfully prosecuted

and

Record only if all children survive the episode

are why I cannot watch this show at all, ever, it makes me too sad.

Mira

@PatatasBravas That's why I'm a proud shallow viewer of SVU. It's way too depressing if you actually think about anything (luckily the show does not require you to do any thinking), so I ignore the crimes and just admire Alex's pretty, pretty hair and how hot Benson was in all her leather-jacketed glory (Seasons 1-4 only).

shantasybaby

@Mira My husband is my fragile spirit than me and he really had to toughen up in order to toelrate my SVU addiction. Now he loves it!

Also, Record if Stabler is put in solitary confinement and becomes BFFs with a cockroach.

Danzig!

@PatatasBravas Just watch the episodes they have on endless loop on multi-hour flights, I think they choose them to be as unlurid as SVU gets (which is still quite lurid, mind)

C_Webb

I AM DYING RIGHT NOW, BUT FEELING VALIDATED AS I DO SO.

And YES, I'll take all the Stabler, Benson + Cabot, hold the organized crime, dead kids, and trans-murdered-at-Rikers (just saw that one and wept).@C_Webb Also, I'm watching them in order ... someone please explain to me why the woman who replaced Cabot has a mullet?

C_Webb

@C_Webb Also, I'm watching them in order ... someone please explain to me why the woman who replaced the blond Asst. DA has a mullet?

C_Webb

@C_Webb Also will never again watch the one where Martha Plimpton keeps her dead little sister's finger bone in her purse. DONE NOW, SORRY.

JessicaLovejoy

@C_Webb Damn MP. What's your damage? (She was also a serial killer on Criminal Intent which at least lead to one of the best "sisters are doing it for themselves" scenes where Eames escapes captivity by unscrewing a hook she's hung by, crossing wires on an electric door to bust it open, and climbing a wall with the aforementioned hook to get to a window where she alerts a helpful doggie to her predicament. All while her Big Damn Genius partner runs helplessly around New York throwing Lionel Luther into walls.)

C_Webb

@JessicaLovejoy And Mary Steenburgen as the evil mom. (This is probably not the time or the place to say that I thought she was kind of below par as Avery's mom in "30 Rock," except when she was banging Billy Baldwin.)

Mira

@JessicaLovejoy EAAAAAAMES. Eames is no joke my favorite. She is such a secret badass.

Are there any SVU episodes with Cabot that don't feature mad sexual tension between her and Benson? Anyone who doesn't believe they were totally doing it should watch the last ten minutes of "Loss."

(I love SVU even though it is objectively terrible, sorry I'm not sorry.)

meetapossum

My favorite is the one where Carol Burnett gueststars and Matthew Lillard makes an appearance as her dim nephew/lover.

A. Louise

@C_Webb ONCE was too many times for this episode. So creepy.

Ophelia

@JessicaLovejoy If that was how that show always went, I would be a Criminal Intent junkie. As it is, I can't stand Vincent D'Onofrio's character, so I just don't watch it.

mwittier

@meetapossum I believe it is an Actual Law that he must always be referred to as "Scream's Matthew Lillard.

But, yes.

meetapossum

@mwittier SLC Punk's Matthew Lillard?

shantasybaby

@Mira For real, I'm so glad OTHER PEOPLE noticed this tension with Cabot and Benson! My girlfriend and I actually role-played as them beacuse it was so hot (and for somer eason Olivia was wearing alot of leather duster-like jackets and my girlfriend had one...I guess that was an acceptable butch lady look of the early 2000's.)

Mira

@shantasybaby Haha that was like THE butch lady look of the early 2000s. Not that I spent most of 2004 reading fanfic about them or anything.

MaxBraverman

Record only if Wet Hot American Summer.

melis

@MaxBraverman Also Oz. Also that kind of disappointing episode with Lee Tergesen but at least they threw us a bone by giving us that forehead touch.

fondue with cheddar

@melis YEEESSSS. I'm rewatching all of Oz with my boyfriend who had never seen it before, and last night we saw the first Keller episode. I squeal with delight when he first appears. Every time.

olivebee

Record episodes that feature now-prominent celebrities when they were younger and unknown. Or, conversely, record episodes that feature household name celebrities doing their inevitable stint as a criminal (or criminal's mother) on SVU.

C_Webb

@olivebee Record episodes in which you soon remember what else you saw the random character actor in and feel all smart. Skip episodes in which your efforts to look up said character actor fail and you don't sleep all night trying to remember where the fuck you know them from.

olivebee

@C_Webb BINGO. Omg, I lose so much productivity (and sleep) when I can't focus on anything but WHO IS THAT DAMN ACTOR AND WHY DO I KNOW HIM/HER AND IMDB, YOU SUCK!!

Lyssachelle

@olivebee I know some actors who have been on the show (sometimes multiple times different characters) and I get SO excited and immediately have to drag someone into the room so I can slap them repeatedly on the arm and "Look! Look! It's ________! I KNOW HER...."
If you're a NY actor, you've been on at least one of the L&O's.

fondue with cheddar

@Lyssachelle The only NY actor I know was not in an episode, but her story was. Well, technically it was her friend's story. My friend was a witness to her murder.

Nutellaface

@fondue with cheddar That's truly terrible and I don't think there's a sensitive way to ask this but I'm going to anyway...Which episode?? (I'm sorry. I'm really sorry).

QuadrophonicSound

@C_Webb I feel like I do this more on Criminal Intent (maybe because I watch a shit-ton of Criminal Intent on weekends, though).

A conversation I have had:
Quadro: Who is that guy, who is that guy... *type type type* OH! He played Miles on Murphy Brown.
Boyfriend: Who?
Quadro: Miles? On Murphy Brown?
Boyfriend: I have never seen a single episode of Murphy Brown, sorry.
Quadro: WHAT?

If you're me and my parents and watch a lot of old TV, the variations on this game are "Who is that actor (on this episode of Perry Mason)" and "Was s/he on Perry Mason."

fondue with cheddar

@Nutellaface No worries.

I haven't seen the episode, but here are the details as I remember them from her telling of the story. Two female college students (or close to college-age) went to a bar in NYC. They got in an altercation with a dude, it got loud, and the dude killed one of them (stabbed, I think). I know that's not much to go on but it's all I know.

The court proceedings were very painful for her, as you can imagine. To have that wound reopened again by incessant commercial promos for a Law & Order episode based upon it was pretty traumatizing. Her experience sort of made me hate the show. :(

katzenklavier

@olivebee Record only episodes that feature actors from Twin Peaks in equally creepy roles?

JessicaLovejoy

Record only the one where Detective Olivia Benson props up a knee high boot and demands "LICKIT!"

Anna Jayne@twitter

@JessicaLovejoy I just watched that one.

shantasybaby

@JessicaLovejoy Record only if Detective Olivia Benson is dosed with magic mushrooms and says "I'm not the one who stabbed the captain with the pickle!"

Anna Jayne@twitter

Record only if Ice-T is confused about something.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@Anna Jayne@twitter we've all seen this, right?

Nicole Cliffe

@Anna Jayne@twitter BEST THING DON'T EVEN NEED TO CLICK THROUGH

heyderpette

@Anna Jayne@twitter oh my god, this is the greatest youtube video I've seen this week. This month, even!

HeyThatsMyBike

@Anna Jayne@twitter Related: Record only if someone can't stop unloading crates while talking to Ice-T and Richard Belzer.
(I can only find the 22 minute video version of this but hopefully we've also seen, "Tony Ramirez? Yeah, I remember him. Used to work here Tuesdays.")

HeyThatsMyBike

@HeyThatsMyBike Here it is! First video.

HeyThatsMyBike

@HeyThatsMyBike Note: this is a 4 minute version that I found. Sorry for three posts for one link. But it's worth it!

red pen

@Anna Jayne@twitter i think i could straight-up RECITE it. ugh love it so much!

Alli525

@Anna Jayne@twitter I am silent-laugh-crying at my desk ahhhh

Danzig!

@Anna Jayne@twitter Did I tell you all about the time I was a grad student at John Jay College in NYC, where they film a lot of SVU, and I ran into Ice-T once? He brushed past me and said "what's up" and I was all "heeyyyeyy" because I wasn't expecting to see Ice-T that day much less be in close physical proximity to him

Scandyhoovian

Record any and all instances of Benson being the one to lose her cool instead of Stabler, because those are the best episodes, bar none.

Also record any instance of Benson having a new haircut because I need visual references to bring to my stylist (CAN I HAVE ALL HER HAIRDOS except maybe the shortest one, I don't think I could do that one).

shantasybaby

@Scandyhoovian Record if Stabler or Benson get too close or let it get persona. Record if Stabler says to a perp "They're gonna love you in Rikers" and/or "I have a daughter your age" (because he has, like, 20 kids.)

Nicole Cliffe

He has literally six thousand kids, to be precise.

Fear Biter

Ah, but #13(Fallacy)is the best/worst episode and I just can't quit it! That's when I first discovered Katherine Moennig and never looked back.

antarcticastartshere

THE ANIMAL SMUGGLING RING ONE.

Also I am clearly in the extreme minority here, but ADA Casey Novak >>>> ADA Alex Cabot. She plays softball and I want her hair.

C_Webb

@antarcticastartshere I just looked up pictures; seems her hair gets a hell of a lot better along the way. I shall reserve judgment.

Nicole Cliffe

As we speak, I am watching an episode in which they are tracking down a serial killer targeting sex workers (how novel!) and her hair is really pretty now.

Nicole Cliffe

Oh, and J Walter Weatherman is playing a random cop extra!

J Walter Weatherman

@Nicole Cliffe Whaaaaaaat??

C_Webb

@Nicole Cliffe I love it when they bring coffee and donuts to the prostitutes ("I'm not going to bust you; here, have a donut and in return provide valuable information."). I also love the nun who watches out for them and KNOWS EVERYTHING.

antarcticastartshere

@Nicole Cliffe Yeah I forgot it was awful at first, but then it got good! And I think there's an episode where she threatens a particularly scummy perp with her softball bat?

JessicaLovejoy

@antarcticastartshere That was monkey in a basketball, right? Who hugs Cragen? Of course it was, unless I dreamed it.

Mira

@JessicaLovejoy Oh yeah, that happened. Cragen/Gibbon is my OTP.

antarcticastartshere

@JessicaLovejoy YESSS. I will never forget the first time I saw it and Cragen started unzipping that basketball and I just started hyperventilating, "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod" AND THEN A GIBBON.

antarcticastartshere

@antarcticastartshere Basically any episode that is not actually about sex crimes is amazing/hilarious.

Pound of Salt

@antarcticastartshere I also like how Casey Novak was first on the show playing a rapist in season 3.

Alli525

@antarcticastartshere How is it that there have been 11 comments so far in this thread, but NONE OF THEM mention the moment where Stabler is undercover (in a wifebeater) and Benson shows up at the same time as the smugglers and she has to pretend to be a prostitute and comes out with just her bra on.

That is my favorite episode ever.

Mira

@Alli525 What about then when Stabler gets shot TWICE IN THE CHEST and then goes to the hospital and is RUNNING AROUND AT WORK THE NEXT DAY? So incredible! It's like the writers got shitfaced and were like, "Okay, what makes even less sense than having the Freaky Sex Cops investigate terrorism cases? Go!"

large__marge

@antarcticastartshere Cragen/Gibbon is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

pajamaralls

@antarcticastartshere Yass. ADA Novak

Animal smuggling has Big Boi and one of the best non Ice-T lines in the history of SVU - "Bitch seen more nuts than a can of Planters"

fabel

@antarcticastartshere YESYESYES Casey Novak. I was coming down here to say, Nicole, replace Alex Cabot with Casey Novak & we're in total agreement here.

Lyssachelle

I'd like to add "Record only if the crime is solved." There's only been a couple of these, but especially that episode about the professor who maybe raped his student, maybe not, and then they ended before the verdict was read?

HORSESHIT.

meetapossum

@Lyssachelle YES. How "Lady and the Tiger" of them.

eiffeldesigns

Record only if Stabler's annoying daughter makes no appearance in the show.

Those episodes are the worst.

meetapossum

@Kirs I actually kind of like the episode where Kathleen (I think?) breaks into a house, and Stabler's got to go visit his mother so she can convince the daughter she's bipolar.

pajamaralls

@Kirs Is that the one where Stabler kicks his mom's sandcastle over?

meetapossum

@pajamaralls Yes!

pajamaralls

@meetapossum ahaha. I find that way funnier than I should.

whateverlolawants

@meetapossum I love that episode and I can't defend it. I like the story Stabler's mom tells about driving down the snowy streets of NYC and getting in a car crash.

muggles

I'm SURE they have the technology to at least "Record only L&O:CI episodes with early Vincent D'Onofrio," right? I mean, I'd prefer an "Actively warn me when I'm unwittingly watching the opening scene of a Chris Noth episode" but I'll take what I can get.

lucy snowe

@muggles Yes! And also, warn me when bland redhead is on instead of Eames. I think bland redhead may have been shooting for a Dana Scully vibe, but instead she is awful.

JessicaLovejoy

@lucy snowe The Bishop episodes are fun because Goren won't stop poining out how she's no Eames. Plus one of those episodes ends with someone wailing "SHE'S NOT A JEEEEEEWWWWWW!" which is second only to one that ended with someone wailing "EGG CUP! EGG CUUUPPPP!"

Stay crazy, CI.

Mira

@JessicaLovejoy EGG CUP!!!!!

Valley Girl

@JessicaLovejoy MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A JEWESS! EGG CUP! EGG CUP!!! EGG CUP!!!

("egg cup" gets a lot of play in my household)

lucy snowe

@JessicaLovejoy Hahahahahahaha!

For some reason, that reminded me of that Sedaris story where his dad replaces their beloved German shepherd, Madchen, with another, that they named Madchen 2. Then his dad spends the second dog's whole life tsking and shaking his head sadly and saying things like "Madchen 1 would never have done that."

ktyfrl

www.munchmybenson.com

ktyfrl

www.munchmybenson.com

Danzig!

@ktyfrl www.takebensontothemunch.net

large__marge

Record if it's early in Ice-T's acting career and he still wears zoot suits to the office.

Redheads have even more fun

#7, a million times.

Every time I go to NYC, I tell myself I'm going to come home with a hot Irish NYPD detective. Not that it does any good.

Ophelia

@Redheads have even more fun I live right by a police precinct if you want to visit. Once, a hot(ish) detective bought me a bagel at the coffee shop, but he wasn't Irish.

pajamaralls

There should be a "Record if it's the episode where Stabler's head gets knocked into the car window and he's temporarily blinded and has to wear those little glasses in court."

Not that it's one of my favorite episodes or anything.

FulanaDeTallcan

-Record only if Big Boi/Antwan Andre Patton/Sir Lucious Left Foot, Son of Chico Dusty gets eaten by a hyena.

pinniped

Record only if there are NO SUICIDES in the episode. I swear! Every damn time they open a door! :(

and it's not even my birthday

Is it just me or do artists and intellectuals always get explicitly mega-shitted on on L & O? The poet/professor/editor/art historian/painter/pottery teacher/dance director is always set up as a reputed paragon of humanism but then it turns out they have to kill to keep it up.

RobinHanded

Nicole Cliffe, whenever I see your byline, my brain does a little Snoopy dance because it knows I'm about to feed it something deliciously quirky and hilarious. And as an added bonus, the comments community you attract is filled with people who entertain me so much I would be willing to clean my house so that I could invite them all to dinner.

Also, while SVU has been a source of solace in times of work-related stress (Oh yeah! Olivia & Elliot have worse jobs than I do!), my heart belongs to CI, Eames, and every minute of every Goren ever.

wee_ramekin

NICOLE, you forgot the most important requirement, which is clearly:

"Record if the episode features BD Wong in any way, shape, or form. Even if someone just mentions his name or existence, record. Scream when his name comes up in the opening credits. Record. RECOOOOOOOOORD!"

Sass

@wee_ramekin YES!
(Also, ADA Barba from the current season gets the same reaction.)

katzenklavier

@wee_ramekin ESPECIALLY the one where B.D. Wong says "That offends me as a physican AND a homosexual"

I forget the context, I think it has to do with NAMBLA...

Nutmeg

@katzenklavier BEST EPISODE. Also the one where they arrest that pseudo psychologist during a therapy session and BD Wong is all, "If anyone needs therapy- licensed psychologist, RIGHT HERE" (okay I'm paraphrasing)

wee_ramekin

@katzenklavier Hahaha, yes! I love the episode where he starts an explanation with "As a proud, gay man...". I think I screamed at a pitch theretofore unknown to the human ear at that one.

Goddammit, I love BD Wong so much. As an actor, and as a homosexual.

wee_ramekin

@katzenklavier

LOL, look what I just found:

whateverlolawants

@katzenklavier Is it the one about the professor who is against homosexuality but his son is gay and his high school girlfriend's mom tells the dad?

katzenklavier

-Record only if Detective Munch mentions his ex-wife/JFK/Jewishness
-Record only if Cragen surlily informs the detectives that Homeland Security is shutting down the case
-Record only if detectives are utterly baffled by the internet
-Record only if the rapist insists that he loved the victim and Detective Benson snaps "Oh yeah? Is that what you said before you RAPED her?"
-Record only if it's the episode where a grown woman poses as a teen runaway to seduce high school football players and they react with overblown horror and disgust when they discover that she's like TWENTY FOUR

Danzig!

@katzenklavier re: #3, just track down the Benjamin Bratt-era L&O where they track down a murder fantasy forumgoer who DID A REAL MURDER.

Rough transcript of a scene w/ Ben Bratt and a computer nerd suspect:
"You're into computers right? This internet thing is a big deal. What do you use? AOL, Aladdin?"
"Yeah, I use DOS."
"Funny, I figured you for a Linux guy"

It's real glorious

whateverlolawants

@Danzig! I might have that episode on a VHS tape.

whateverlolawants

I think the episode about the African child soldier who is then targeted for war crimes prosecution was the episode when L&O:SVU just got too sad for me. But all of these comments are making me remember the good things and think I can ease my way back.

Also, I blame all L&O franchises for exacerbating my fear of discovering a body, since almost every episode begins that way.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

I'm making this into a drinking game! I have been way deep into original recipe L&O and am making up my own drinking game along the way. Current rules include "drink when Robinette makes the stank face in response to a defendant being sexist/racist" and "drink when Cragen says 'Am I missing something here?'" I also found one online that included the amazing rules "when Stone addresses a defendant as 'sir," switch to Chivas Regal" and "drink when Logan's hair arrests the entire female audience."

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