1. Record both new and first-run episodes.
2. Record all episodes until DVR is 100% full.
3. Record only if any missing children are returned to their families before DICK WOLF CHUNG CHUNG.
4. Record only if not part of a dull four-episode crossover domestic terrorism arc.
5. Record only if filmed prior to Detective Elliot Stabler's sudden off-screen departure from the series at the beginning of Season Thirteen.
6. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler holds a victim against his chest in a gesture of warm, paternal sympathy.
7. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler is wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt that shows one or more of his tattoos.
8. Record only in the absence of a character with diminished mental capacity who doesn't know what they are doing and cries helplessly on the stand.
9. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler punches a perp in the face and calls him a "sicko."
10. Record only if Detective Olivia Benson and Detective Elliot Stabler have a moment of potential sexual tension.
11. Record only if episode features sexual tension between Detective Olivia Benson and Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot.
12. Record only if the guilty perpetrator is successfully prosecuted.
13. Record only if the imprisoned trans rape victim is not murdered immediately upon arriving at Rikers Island.
14. Record only if the storyline is ripped from the headlines you, personally, are likely to have followed.
15. Record only if all children survive the episode.
16. Record only if we see some of Detective Elliot Stabler's home life with Kathy and the kids.
17. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler goes undercover as a blue-collar worker and wears slightly different clothes than usual.
18. Record only if the dedicated detectives and the individuals who prosecute these crimes do not do things that make you feel uncomfortable as a progessive with serious concerns about the manner in which our justice system fails minorities.
19. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler and Detective Olivia Benson have to pose as a married couple and touch each other slightly, but hesitantly. Hesitantly at first, but then they relax into their roles. He's trying to think about Kathy and the kids, but only Detective Olivia Benson really understands what he goes through every day, trying to keep these sicko perps off the street. She looks pretty in that dress. Softer. Think about Kathy and the kids. Wait, why is Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot here? And what is she wearing?