Who is That Masked Woman? (You.)

A real winner wrote into The Guardian to explain a dilemma:

I am a 23-year-old man and am obsessed with celebrity culture. Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I insist that she must wear a mask of one of the female celebrities who really turn me on, such as Billie Piper or Kimberley Walsh. My girlfriend isn’t too impressed with this, but goes along with it anyway. However, when she wants me to have sex with her when she is not wearing a mask, I don’t think I can, because I can only get turned on by the celebrities.

Now, the first sentence of the official response began “fetishistic sexuality is essentially based on a neurological pattern…” instead of “oh, what? Jeez. Urgh,” so obviously he should get his advice from The Guardian and not randomly horrified onlookers, but a few questions do come to mind:

1. Where does one get a decent Billie Piper mask?
2. Is it, like “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” Billie Piper, or “Doctor Who” Billie Piper?
3. Exactly how good in bed would this guy have to be for you to wear a celebrity mask?
4. Would it have to be so good that you wouldn’t even form short-term memories?
5. What if your partner had a mask fetish, so he could only have sex with you while wearing A mask, but it could be a mask made of your own face?
6. Did you know who Kimberley Walsh was without Googling?
7. If you decided to “go along with it anyway,” would you tell your friends for the support, or would you take it to the grave?
8. Do you perform oral sex while wearing the mask, or if he asks, do you just stare at him quietly until he retracts the request?
9. Something something “Eyes Wide Shut.”

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