Previously: The Ladylike Pie
Ann Friedman's favorite movie is 'It's Complicated.' Really. She has never created an online dating profile.
online dating, the internet, ann friedman, pie charts, valentine's day
"My favorite movie is the Big Lebowski and I love to drink whiskey!"
Do you also love to eat? Whether it is the place deep in Brooklyn that sells the best slice around or a four-star restaurant?
Do you feel just as comfortable in a ballgown or in a baseball cap?
@Brunhilde to paraphrase mindy kaling, "'favorite movie' is a tier."
@Tuna Surprise Hold on, need to reference the original "Ask a Dude" letter...
@Tuna Surprise The thing people notice first about me - LEGS LEGS LEGS LEGS
@Brunhilde LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLONDE WHISKEY BLONDE LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLONDE WHY ARE OTHER WOMEN SUCH BITCHES LEGS BLOND LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLOND LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLOND LEGS BLONDE LEGS BLOND LEGS BLONDE LEGS
@wee_ramekin (Also, clearly I am confused about how to spell "blonde". Or is it "blond"? I am asking seriously, and not even for a friend.)
@wee_ramekin My understanding is that ladies are blonde and gentlemen are blond.
@Brunhilde Are you a spider?
@Lu2 No, y'all. She's referencing the insufferable first letter-writer in this 'Ask A Dude'.
@wee_ramekin OH! Duh. I must have been traveling internationally when that happened.
@wee_ramekin When I read in a lady's profile, "I can hang with the guys, I don't really get along with other females" or the likes, well, that's when I click go-back. Hating-on an entire sex is fucked up but when it's your own sex...it's still fucked up.
FAVORITE, though? Really? Of all time?
@melis I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
@anachronistique I never cared for GOB.
You're my third least favorite JDate.
@Tuna Surprise You lied to me! You said my father was my father, but my uncle is my father. My father is my uncle!
@melis TCM showed "Gone With the Wind" and "Rebecca" back to back last night and I actually said aloud to no one, "Happy Valentine's Day, melis."
How much we love to hike/travel/be outdoors/"stay active".
How we're really just laid-back/chill/kind of a geek (LOL)/looking for someone to explore the city with.
How we'd like to meet someone who "takes care of themselves"/has a great sense of humor/is nerdy/isn't into drama.
Oh you guys, I can do this alllllllllll day.
@wee_ramekin How we're just as comfortable in jeans as a tux?
How we're tired of the bar scene?
How we love The Wire????
How we have no idea what's the first thing someone notice about us (LOL), you tell me.
I just want to meet a guy who loves to laugh.
How we're totally over our exes/only drink socially/never do drugs.
@wee_ramekin I'm tired of games. --Can I play?
@wee_ramekin - I just realized my #1 lie is that my "smoking status" has been "trying to quit" for.....2 years!
I do try to quit once a month or so though!
How they love staying in as much as they love going out.
@leon s I put "hiking" as a favorite activity because I thought I didn't have enough hobbies. I've been hiking once in the past six years (and I always get bored and want to turn around and go home less than halfway through the trail).
@wee_ramekin When I still lived in my home city, the "show me the city" people started making me kind of mad. I'm here to date*, not to offer free guided tours!
*Well, in theory. More there to get shpilkes over whether to reply to messages or not.
I just feel like if I read one more profile where someone lists the countries that they've been to and humblebrags about how they're "always thinking about - and saving up for! - the next place they're going to visit", I will pull my own intestines out through my nostrils and stuff them in my eyeballs.
Why does everyone love to travel so much? Why I am so annoyed by it?!
@wee_ramekin I think it bothers me in the same way that the "I love food" thing bothers me. We all love food, we all love vacations. You know why? Because we're all human. Now tell me something about yourself that isn't so goddamn obvious.
No one in my family including me is or has ever been a member of the Type I Diabetic Party.*
Hollow Laugh to "takes care of themselves." If I were a size six, 5'6" I expect many dudes and some ladies wouldn't give a damn if I, say, wore 5" heels every day of my life and thus ruined my spine/feet/calves.
*note: blatant lie
@lisma "I love listening to music and hanging out with my friends."
@wee_ramekin I love to travel and *gasp* live internationally, but when I had an OKC profile, I didn't mention it. In general, traveling/not traveling is based on privilege, not excitingness. I've met a few people who could travel but didn't want to, but a lot more who had barely left my state because they couldn't and dreamed of doing so. Guys who bragged about it seemed like they'd try to get in a dick-measuring contest with me, and I don't have one!
@Faintly Macabre Exactly! Bragging about travel really reveals someone's class faster than almost anything else. People raised in the upper middle class privilege-bubble see their ability to spend thousands of dollars of their (or their parents') money on travel as some kind of indication that they are more curious and knowledgable about the world. I can't stand it. If you can travel, you're very lucky, now shut up about it! I didn't travel "internationally" or for pleasure (or any reason other than having to move around the country due to my dad's jobs) until I was 30. Not because I didn't want to, because I didn't have the money. And even now I only do it once a year at most, because...I don't have the money or the vacation time. And I'm still lucky that I get to do it at all, and most of the people I grew up with aren't able to but are just as smart and curious as anyone else.
hehe really? we'll see about that.
@wee_ramekin I'm really good at sarcasm.
Mine is Legally Blonde, DON'T JUDGE ME.
@iceberg Why would anybody judge you, that movie is amazing.
@iceberg Have you seen the musical? It is even better. Srsly.
@iceberg My roommate in college (who is still my friend, and normally a smart person) had memorized most of that movie but didn't get the pun in the title until we watched it together.
@iceberg That's in the top five most quoted movies in this house.
@par_parenthese What are the others in the top 5?
@par_parenthese I once went out with our fedex guy and my sister was like, "OMG did you nab him with the bend and snap?"
Then when it didn't work out I had to tell her my snap was all over the place.
@sunfastrose I met the cast of the Australian musical - instantly fell in love with both David Harris and Rob Mills. Super Charming. And cute (pic at the bottom of this blog post because pics or it didn't happen, obvs):
Also adore the Greek Chorus! Such a great inclusion for a musical, particularly one featuring a Delta Nu girl!
@iceberg My favorite movie, legitimately, is Babe. I will never apologize.
@frigwiggin You're great - those mice? LOVE THE MICE!
So I Married An Axe Murderer and Wayne's World are way up there (I came of age in the 90s, what can I say?), and O Brother Where Art Thou gets a lot of traction too. Maybe Clueless? Probably Clueless.
The scene in Wayne's World where they're singing along with Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my favourite scenes in a move like, ever.
@iceberg Babe! That movie brings me such joy. My favorite is the duck - or is it a goose? Anyway, "christmas is carnage!" gets shouted a lot in my house around the holidays.
@iceberg Why would you apologize?? That movie is fantastic.
@frigwiggin Oh man, I love that movie. My husband and I randomly sing "Blue Moon" in squeaky mouse voices, and I'm tearing up right now thinking about the scene when Babe is sick and the farmer dances for him.
CHOICE MOMENTS FROM DIANA'S ONLINE DATING HISTORY:
- very first user to view OKCupid profile: maymurderyou
- opening message, no additional comment: "I used to live on a road named Diana."
- "what's wrong with fedoras"
- "hey sexy"
- this spam message reads like outsider art: "Golden girls are chill, people tell me im like a Joey with some Chandler qualaties, but im more of a Smokey with hellof Chillndler qualaties lolol. Mos def not Ross tho, Ross is a total titty baby, total gamma at best, could b as low as an epsilon.
Srsly tho, i love that place golden girls near the airport. I kno a guy who spins there tusdays and thursdays, so some of the girls there are chill with me. I can totes get us in if u want to go somtime, i find xmas is the best time of year 2 hit up golden girls cuz its like hella festive an shit. Even tho religion is just like a construction of the media an i read hella books by ayn rand an other brillyant alpha male philosofers, i apreshiate the real joys of the season, espeshialy tusdays and thursdays when Damon an his ol lady are working. "
- matches me up with an ex-boyfriend
- matches me up with a neighbor
- matches me up with the creepy ex-friend who wouldn't stop hitting on me until I ended our friendship
- "why don't you like fedoras"
@Diana You're LYING about that Golden Girls message though right? I mean that's got to be at least a troll.
@Diana Ayn Rand, brillyant alpha male philosofer.
@Diana How does that spam guy exist?? What is he talking about with "Smokey with hellof Chillndler qualaties"?? Or "titty baby"??? How does he know enough of the Greek alphabet to get to epsilon but can't spell "apreshiate"??
@Amphora This is my question, too! I was rather impressed by his command of epsilon vs gamma and so forth.
ETA: Maybe Greek is his first language and he learned English from television or something!
@Lu2 Nah, then he would be able to spell "philosofers." On the other hand, he does use "hella" a lot...
@Amphora !!! Best pun ever!
@Diana wait wait wait. I know I'm late, but was his name actually "MIGHTmurderyou" was he in the SF area and was he actually really charming and cute?????
Sometimes I think my problem with online dating is not lying ENOUGH on my profile.
Also, I was just enjoying Ann Friedman's column in CJR this morning.
@Lily Rowan I started being really honest on my OKC profile and the fields are even more fallow than they were before. I feel better about it, though? I don't know if it's school or the amount of failed dates I undertook in NYC but I can't muster the energy to go out and find people on the site. I'm real lonely but I feel like all I've got ahead of me are unspoken, withering judgments. There was one very sweet woman but she's halfway across the world, basically.
Happy Valentine's, everyone! http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xILm9Eohji4#!
@Danzig! - You should just be absurdly honest. I changed mine once to include things like "If we're going to do stuff together, you're going to hear the same jokes a lot. Anything I say that someone laughs at I will definitely repeat next time I'm in front of new people. Also, we will end up spending far more time sitting on the couch, one of us watching a tv show, the other passive-aggressively playing Words With Friends because we hate that tv show than we will 'going on dates' if the relationship makes it past the 1 year point." Etc.
People that I was joking, and it got the most responses I've ever gotten.
Awww, honey! I would've gone out with you if you were actually 5'10!
But in all seriousness, lie more on your profile and do more pre-screening before dates! If all else fails, you can wear cowboy boots!
@Tuna Surprise Heh, I am actually 5'10"! My grandpa down south keeps a wall in his closet where he marks the height of his grandchildren over time, from when I was first walking up until today. I seem to have peaked at the upper end of 5'9" :P
@leon s OMG, I might copy that precisely for my own profile.
Danzig, I am CONFIDENT no place is harder to date than New York, if one is not a Captain of Industry-type or a model-type (or both).
Valentine's day can fuck off, though, really.
@leon s If I weren't getting married, I think we'd make a pretty good team.
@Lily Rowan - AHhhhh I just found where I had saved it. This is my favorite part:
"On the weekends, we will take turns drinking with each others friends. I'll accept that you don't like half of mine, cuz I don't even like some of those people. I'll like your friends, but they'll start off thinking you can do better, and then once they get to know me and realize I'm totally worth it, you'll be nervous they'll be trying to steal you away (just kidding, no they won't, you're stuck with me now and we're just sticking together cuz change is a pain in the ass at this point, and it's not so bad anyhow)."
There was some normal nice stuff in there, not 100% self-deprication, but blaaaah boring.
@Tuna Surprise I SHOULD lie more, right? Or embellish things? But then I feel like I'll show up and they'll discover I'm boring (which has happened!). I wish I knew how to pre-screen, though I've only been on one really abysmal date. The rest were just, well... After a few times you can say "oh that's just how these things go" but it keeps happening, and the common denominator is me.
I'm blaming my bad moods on the weather today, and the fact that my kitchen cabinet has strong reservations about the IRL woman I would like to ask out.
@Danzig! Nah, dude, it really is "just how things go".
Case in point: I have been on more OKCupid dates than I can count, and have never ever had a relationship with someone I met there. Heck, I've never even felt a quiver in the loins or heartstrings for anyone I've met through the site. However, when it comes to IRL, I have been in two relationships (that's probably lower than average for a 28-year old, but whatevz) and have dated and put my face on the face of a few more people.
It really is just a numbers-game, I think. Don't get too down on yourself.
Never lie; the people who make money off dating sites (including the horrifying souls who help the unimaginative write their profiles, for a fee) push for half-truths and lies of omission because their goal is to get subscribers "lots of dates." As if meeting 15 people you can't stand is somehow better than meeting 2 or 3 people you really like. Tell the truth -- in a funny, friendly way -- and you'll be surprised how much better the whole thing goes.
@Danzig! To play the numbers game, invest some effort in good pictures. And tell your kitchen cabinet to go line itself with shelf paper or whatever. The only way to find out if going out with someone is a good idea is to go out with them.
@wee_ramekin heh, I should really get less invested, yeah?
@City_Dater Indeed, which is why I made some major revisions to my profile, initially. I feel more at ease talking to people but I'm getting fewer replies. So it goes.
@laurel Solid advice! I do need to take new pictures of myself.
The only reason my kitchen cabinet gives me pause is that she knows my heart better than anyone. But I intend to give it a try! She'll support me.
Apropos of nothing, is asking someone out via text is generally considered lame?
@Danzig! - Date anyone ever is my advice, dude. If you think there's a chance someone might be interested in a cup of coffee or spirits, go for it. And just, ya know...I feel like people put too much into first dates.
Don't hope for a relationship or a 'spark'. Hope for an experience meeting another person, and you're a lot less likely to be "let down". Most pairings of people won't amount to anything, but I honestly believe - a not insignificant amount of evidence not withstanding - that most people are, at their core, decent and nice.
I'm shy and absurd, so I know how hard it is, but still, yes! Always go on the date!
@Danzig! I don't think text invitations are lame.
I'm with Leon. I don't see how you have anything to lose by having a drink with someone you (think you might) find appealing. I mean, I suppose it could be the worst drink of your life. It could turn into After Hours, endangering your life and your sanity, stripping away the veneer of civil society and revealing a squirming mass of overwrought, menacing characters in a series of increasingly bizarre, dangerous situations.
But it'll probably be just a drink. And maybe, if you're both lucky, fun.
@laurel I've only had one or two (out of MANY) first dates that were less entertaining than sitting at home watching TV, so that seems like a win to me. Oh, actually three, but they turned into stories for better nights out, so.
@leon The smoking is definitely something I can't bring myself to lie about. If you can't deal with a smoker, it won't work out. (Edit: which I now see you said in a different thread, but whatevs.)
@Lily Rowan I'm a fan of keeping iffy first dates super-short with a built-in exit strategy. 'Well, this was lovely, but look at the time. I have a dinner engagement and simply must dash!'
@Danzig! Texting to ask out is fine, IMO. I've been asked out by text and I've never thought anything of it. I figure I'm pretty shy around the guys I'm interested in AND I don't really like talking on the phone (omg, traumatic sadie hawkins dance experience, i WISH we had texting back in the 90s) so why should I hold a dude to a different standard? Also, go on all the dates. I agree with Leon, I think most people are good and at the very least, you get an experience and a story out of a date, even if it is ho-hum and goes nowhere.
@laurel I don't want to be the Naysaying Voice of Doom here, (oh heck, why stop now?) but the thing you lose by going on a date with everyone is...all of your time. You could go on a date every night of the week and never be done going through All the People. And, most of those dates are going to be some version of traumatic or sucky or boring. I've got things to do, man! I mean, I've got, like, exercise classes to go to and plays to see, and yeah, sometimes I need to sit at home and watch my teevee. I have a full time job. It's all just too much!
And re: people lying on their profiles, ironically all the lying is what makes it now impossible to successfully screen dates. Everyone is claiming to be the same generic verson of a Datable Person and you can't tell a damn thing about what they are really like from their profiles. Also a lot of guys post ancient or fake pictures of themselves. Oh, but god forbid I checked the "fit" box under body type and then the guy decides I'm too fat to possibly be fit, I got excoriated for that one! (He couldn't tell from my recent, accurate pictures whether he would find me fat in person, I GUESS. *NYC dating = THE WORST, FOREVER.*
Dude Version: Height - 100%
My favorite movie is Clueless and I don't care who knows it.
@totallyunoriginal it's a great film. I would have reservations about someone listing 10 Things I Hate About You #sorrynotsorry
@totallyunoriginal It might be my favorite Jane Austen adaptation. So good.
@Danzig! Take that back, 10 Things I Hate About You is wonderful.
@Verity JGL AND Heath Ledger, I mean, really!
@TARDIStime I feel like they were the best part of the movie? And Allison Janney.
I think it had a lot of potential but didn't trust its audience.
@totallyunoriginal <3 Allison Janney.
SHE should have been sexiest woman alive in 1979 because men who make me laugh are sexy (Woody Allen has made me laugh, but not WITH him...), so women who make me laugh are also sexy.
@Verity never! Death to 10TIHAY! And the Taming of the Shrew in general, really.
@Danzig! them's fightin' words, boy...
My husband and I have the same favorite movie (Charade) and watched it on one of our first dates together.
Either that, or he was (and still is, I guess) lying about it; he was in the friend zone (ugh I hate that phrase & its connotations) for quite some time, and all the pizza and paying for my ticket at plays wasn't going anywhere. But Charade worked!
@ms. alex Charade! I had never seen that movie, and then someone accidentally spoiled it for me by telling me about that ... you know, the object. She saw it was on TV, I said, Oh, let's watch it! And she said, "It's the one where it turns out to be ___!" :(
@Lu2 Oh, Charade's appeal has nothing to do with plot.
@Lu2 Maybe it's because I really like to know how movies are going to end, but I agree with laurel! The end is great and all, but I don't think knowing it is a big deal. You should still see it!
Plus, this happens: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzj93iMdJE1qdwjb5o8_r1_250.gif
@ms. alex and laurel--Oh, you're kidding! That's great to know. I thought the whole thing was ruined. Thanks!
@Lu2 It stars Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, how could it possibly be ruined?
@ms. alex And also this happens.
@laurel Charade's appeal is Cary Grant washing his suit in the shower.
I lie about my blood type all the time. When guys find out you're O, the "universal donor," they just start right up with the slut-shaming.
@Lu2 To hell with the negs!
@laurel I'm O-negative! I neg them right back! ;-)
@Lu2 Maybe they thought you said "the universal boner"?
I have a few extra pounds but say I'm curvy.
@MaxBraverman mm-hmm, I'm just not saying where the curves are. Some of 'em might be where you wouldn't expect them.
@MaxBraverman do you want some Skittles? how is Guacamole?
@lisma A bunch of kids threw Skittles at me when I got the vending machines back in my school so I gathered the Skittles up, put them in Ziploc bags and brought them home. I can eat 10 a day. I don't need anymore Skittles right now, but I will let you know when I want more.
Guacamole is sleeping. Have you seen or heard from my sister?
@MaxBraverman Haddie is really busy with school right now, and she's been hanging out with this guy on her floor. She may or may not come home again.
The first person I have ever actually asked out on OK cupid.....turns out to be my close friend's older brother. WHAT.
Does not mentioning that you have type 1 diabetes count as a lie of omission? If so, this pie chart is basically me.
@VDRE I dunno. But I put "insulin" in my 6 things I could never do without, figuring people who care would get it.
Gonna toss it out there that the movie I am ALWAYS in the mood for is Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
I will also freely admit that I didn't understand everything that happens in that movie until I watched it about 3 times.
ETA: Mr TARDIStime is always in the mood for Mighty Ducks 1-3.
Lying By Omission 100%
I am equally comfortable in blue jeans and little black dresses, which is to say: not at all. I am profoundly uncomfortable in every situation in which I find myself, like a flayed mollusk ripped from its shell. As I take long walks upon the beach I find myself wanting to walk out into the surf and never return, as I cuddle by the fire I wonder “if I put my hand in these flames would I feel it? Would I snatch my hand away or would I just burn?” The very world chafes upon my skin and I scream inside, all of the time; whether I am wearing blue jeans or a little black dress does not matter, as I am always the walking corpse of myself.
Are you copyrighting this or are we singletons free to use it for our eHarmony profiles?
I LOVE It's Complicated, except on repeat viewings you really just realize how privileged everybody is like omg meryl streep you already have MY dream kitchen why do you need to have a kitchen extension the size of my dream house?! why is everybody so SMILEY and LAUGHY all the time?! why can't I smoke weed with MY father-in-law?!
@redheaded&crazy wait maybe you realize that on first viewing. but I didn't realize that on first viewing because I'm slow on the draw.
@redheaded&crazy ahh meryl's AWFUL kitchen...my favorite part of it's complicated is its accompanying wikipedia article and this quote: "Most scenes take place in the protagonist's home and interior courtyard, and as such the architectural details had to be fastidiously worked out, but the rooms were kept bare to reflect the character's functional tastes and limited budget." I wish I had that limited budget.
@redheaded&crazy I just bought "It's Complicated" this week when I saw it for $9! People do not know how good it is.
Though my father-in-law IS a lot like Steve Martin, so I am lucky.
Argh, I've been trying to follow Ann Friedman on tumblr and it won't work. Why tumblr, why are you denying me this?!
I honestly don't think I lie about anything on my profile. Perhaps certain things aren't 100% accurate at all times (e.g. sometimes I work out 5 days/week, sometimes I work out 0 days/week), but there's nothing intentionally dishonest. Well, okay, my default photo is 9 years old and I'm wearing contacts in it, but there are more recent pictures on there too.
Maybe someday I'll read other dudes' profiles but I don't think I'm ready for that level of stoking my own ego (intentionally staying humble, and yes, bragging). Dudes' profiles are that bad though right?
EVERY PERSON IS "open-minded and down-to-earth". UGH
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